#prolly gonna use this as a diary more than anything honestly

[pochitastudies]

INTRO POST UUHH HI

hello !! my name is kidde, i'm from canada and currently trying to prepare to take my GED test ! (also learning french for funsies)

starting basically from scratch so it's gonna be a ride LMAO. i was "homeschooled" although ,,not really. due to lazy parents

because of that I am kind of on my own atm with trying to find resources and stay motivated so that's where i thought this would help :] ! been kinda lurking the community for awhile n it seems chill & p rad lol 🦧

[thattimdrakeguy]

ROBIN 80TH ANNIVERSARY - REVIEW!! - The GREAT, the okay, the meh, the wait what, and the freaking awful

None of the stories I’d consider bad in this besides the Super Sons one.

They have flaws, some don’t have any but aren’t that great, and just weird choices, with some disappointments.

I’m just gonna be honest about each story because that’s all I can do.

--

DICK GRAYSON’S FIRST STORY: Really freaking good.

My favorite story is probably the first one:

Like the art is the best in the whole issue, and the only real flaw is how mean they made Bruce through-out it.

It’s yet again another story of how and why Dick quit (I guess he didn’t get fired this time) being Robin, but it’s just nice. Nice pacing, timing, dialogue, good art, and because the people working on it are 80s writers and artists, it keeps it feeling classic.

Which is great for a little showing of the 80s world, and I’m no big 80s DC guy at all, but it’s a really nice flashback for that.

One thing that was disappointing but I won’t count as a flaw (since it’s really not, just a wasted opportunity) is that this kid didn’t end up being Tim:

It looks like a young Tim, it’s drawn by the first artist on Tim’s Robin ongoing, written by his creator, it’s about the history of Robin, and he’s an overeager Robin fanboy-- like why wasn’t this kid Tim? He even has that dorky bowlcut Tim had when he was little, just less 80s styled.

A missed opportunity honestly.

The story though shows Dick’s compassion, talent, frustrations as he became his own man, his views on Robin, some of his sense of humor even. So his characterization is pretty great, but it is written by the man that grew Dick his own unique character to begin with, and it’s great to see this story keeps it up. (Prolly gonna find out this is an old script, but hey, it’s a good one.)

A weird retcon story, but it’s a nice callback to the 80s, and I think it’s really well-done beyond Bruce being a controlling grumpy prick to the point it feels like parody.

--

DICK GRAYSON’S SECOND STORY: It’s just alright.

Where the first story is a flashback to the 80s, this is a direct flashback to he 90s, with the writer and artist that started his ongoing solo.

And it’s good. Like I had a lot of fun reading it, good heroics, feels of it’s era, but like the last story that’s the fun.

There’s nothing really to say about it besides it’s good. There isn’t anything too standout about it.

--

DICK GRAYSON’S THIRD STORY: It’s forgettable.

I forgot this was a thing in this, and it just feels like a waste of page.

It’s in no way bad that I seen, but it’s so very bland and one note. Titans fight and Dick acts as leader. Very generic.

The art’s really good though.

--

DICK GRAYSON’S FOURTH STORY: It’s better than that last one at least.

Unlike the last one, this feels like it at least has a point to be here, and it actually feels like it makes sense to be in he 80th anniversary as well.

I’m not a personal fan of the “Grayson” series, it just sexualized Dick too much honestly, made him cheesier again a bit, and the writing was a little on the off-side in a way that just made it all feel empty besides a few moments, but I never read the whole series to be a great judge on it.

But also because of that, I have no idea who these people are for this story to be grand. What makes it feel like it’s worthy of being here though is trying it back to the history of Robin like the first story with these little bits.

Without these moments though, you wouldn’t have a clue why this is there.

Also Dick just suddenly wears this:

Which is super duper off-putting. But Oh-ho gotta have sexy Dick in there somewhere I guess. Just-- wow, was that super sudden.

--

JASON TODD’S STORY: It’s good but this kid doesn’t look right.

The story is very simple and sweet, and I think it works a lot given Jason and Bruce’s complicated relationship.

It’s even written by Judd Winnick who did Under the Red Hood, which is awesome.

But who is this kid they keep calling Jason exactly? It irrationally bugs me, because all the art has been super spot on till this story. They even write him well, but it just genuinely doesn’t look like post-crisis Robin Jason.

Like to show what I mean--

You read it and this is how the kid speaks.

Super snarky,

a bit of a rude edge to it,

practical sounding but rough teen-ish still

yet still mature enough to feel like he can handle himself.

So you might place this around when Jason was 15 given he’s Robin, and when he was 15 and when they gave him a unique design finally away from a generic silver age Robin, he looked like a young body builder--

Like this is what Jason Todd looked like when they settled his look away from a Dick clone:

A young body builder type, strong jaw, working out, mature features for his age

So who the heck is this?

Like this isn’t what Jason looked like besides pre-crisis, but this is post-crisis Jason. They already settled what he looked like during that 80s run, and this isn’t it. He’s not supposed to look like a generic silver age Robin anymore.

Even beyond it not looking like what Jason’s supposed to, it doesn’t fit the dialogue. He’s written as a practical, snarky, yet in his own way still mature teen. Soooooo why’s he look 5?

It’s so off-putting and it bugs me.

However, beyond that, I really like the story, and at least the artist was good at drawing adult Jason.

Them representing Bruce’s and Jason’s complicate relationship of distant but still caring is something I really enjoy. It’s so much more true to character rather than acting like Jason is just a part of the family like nothing ever happened.

More of that dynamic for them, please.

--

TIM DRAKE’S FIRST STORY: It’s pretty good, but it’s missing something.

Not the highest praise ever, but I do like this story. I enjoy it’s setting at Tim’s school. High school was a constant setting for Tim’s comics in Robin, and they rarely ever treat it like that so I enjoy this story bringing it back.

I really enjoyed the connection  between extracurricular activities and what he does as Robin. It’s that blend of relatability and heroics that really made Tim work as a character. So that’s also great they brought back.

One of my favorite things that they bring up is Tim being into eSports, cuz it reminds me of how much Tim was into video games. It’s a very modern version of him being into the arcades in the 90s. Which is great.

However a downside is that it doesn’t really focus on Tim as a character like the other stories did with the other Robins.

Nothing about his never give up attitude, his insecurities, his underdog likability, how hard he is on himself, or things like that.

In-general this story says nothing about his personality besides a mention that he’s geeky. Which is a pretty big let-down because it keeps it from being any better, despite it already being good.

Freddie William’s art is also very hit or miss. It’s so crude sometimes, and Tim seems so buff compared to before in his actual Robin run. It’s very displeasing given that his early Tim work was top 5 Tim art material. However I still enjoyed that they brought him back even if he can’t draw Tim as well anymore. Tim’s still good in the babyface in most panels at least.

BUT-- this is still a pretty good Tim story. It’s just lacking.

Like it just should’ve been more about Tim as a character since it’s a Tim Drake story.

--

TIM DRAKE’S SECOND STORY: It’s honestly just pretentious.

Tim doesn’t talk like this. Tynion has a melodramatic tone to his characters that works great for characters like Batman, I’ve actually quite liked his Batman run so far partially because of that, but it doesn’t work for Tim.

This is not what Tim talks like. It’s so very unnatural sounding for a kid. Yet Tim talks in this incredibly dramatic tone except for a few light hearted spots, when I feel like it should be the opposite.

It’s also trying hard to be a character study, but again it’s so unnatural. It sounds like a fan describing their view of the characters, not the characters themselves. Like since have these guys became each others therapists?

And then he has Dick say these things that makes Tim seem like a Gary Stu and the greatest most talented guy ever.

Also having Tim hang out with Jason when Jason’s using guns even though Tim’s insanely against that sort of thing.

They even have Damian talk like a typical fan person who dislikes Tim based off of superficial things for a bit.

The fact it treats that Detective Comics Rebirth part of Tim’s character history as uber important is also a bit pretentious of the writer given he wrote that too. Despite Tim only being in that run for like three arcs and wasn’t even in-character for most of it.

Best part of it, is the vague acknowledgement that Tim didn’t want to be anything else but Robin to me.

Otherwise it just reeks of awkwardly written fan fiction.

Honorable mentions of quality though, is Dick and Tim being brothers train riding, and Damian’s mini-adult coming out. I’m so sick of them making Damian a generic kid sometimes that I actually liked this part even if it’s through a snarky filter.

--

STEPHANIE BROWN’S STORY: Better than expected, it’s actually pretty good.

I actually really liked this story. Overall I think Steph’s actual Robin run sucked, this is still a good story if I can get past the era it’s set in.

Unlike Tim’s stories, this actually uses her character.

How reckless she can be without it being super exaggerated, her attitude, love that they brought back the diary format for her inner-monologue too. 

There’s not much to say besides I’d actually consider this one of the best stories in the thing, except for the fact Steph clearly disobeys Batman and she was said to get fired for that. That’s a decent plot holes for me.

I super love the detail of Tim being so small that Steph can’t fit in his uniform. That cheered me up.

Them bringing back her Robin era artist was also great. Unlike Freddie Williams, their art actually really improved.

DAMIAN WAYNE’S FIRST STORY: The genuine worst story in it.

It’s so-- baaad.

Fan service can work if it’s in good quality. Like being in-character, or a nice homage. The train riding in Tynion’s story was that.

This isn’t that.

Damian and Jon didn’t get along right away, not even soon enough for this “mostly” part to feel right as a joke, because they obviously didn’t get along mostly right away. They fought a lot. They even show it on the full page them fighting, but they downplay how long they did fight just for fanservice. It took a long time, and even when they did it was still contrived.

Then they have Damian and Jon in the same class, when they aren’t the same age for that to make sense..

They even have Jon help Damian on his tests when it’s constantly shown that Damian is a brainiac who wouldn’t need that.

It’s literally even in the history summary at the end that he’s highly intelligent. So he probably wouldn’t even ever need a study partner considering he’s even said to have actual PHDs anyway. Which makes the study partner thing just plain out of character.

There’s also panels that straight up feels like oddly specific deviantart fetish art, which is so nasty. Especially considering that I know damn well that’s there’s pedophiles who make this same kind of oddly specific fetish art on there. So much so I had to stop using the site cuz of the anxiety it gave me.

And they downplay how mean Damian can be too Jon so much that it irks me.

This is the worst story in the whole comic, genuinely. Nothing good is in it, besides some decent enough art.

It’s certainly pandering to it’s fandom, but to certain parts it really shouldn’t be.

(This sort of stuff was still happening in their miniseries. Jon really shouldn’t want this as a brother. That’s stockholm syndrome.

--

DAMIAN WAYNE’S SECOND STORY: It’s better than the last one, but somethings missing still.

Unlike the last one avoiding talking about Damian’s actual character besides to play it down. This one actually uses it.

It’s just so quick, and empty feeling at the same time that it’s missing something. A bit like an inverse of Tim’s first story. Tim’s story had the setting and interesting story format, but no real character, while this has a lot of usage of the character but no interesting setting or story.

A lot of Damian’s character is that he’s not a natural Robin as far as attitude goes. He isn’t a typical Robin, and I enjoy how they play into that rather than be afraid of that. It’s what makes this actually work for me.

Although it makes you question why he’s still Robin, I consider that a good thing, because YOU SHOULD. You want the character’s to actually acknowledge things as if they’re real and not just ignoring things.

He’s not typical, he’s unique for better or worse. That’s Damian, and that’s what you should show of him.

This goes into why Damian’s the exact opposite of what a Robin normally is. That’s great.

But it’s missing anything memorable about it. However I think that’s cuz it leads into a future issue of Teen Titans which gives it a reasonable excuse.

I’m really hoping it leads into something.

Although i have a feeling they sadly might do the same thing as typical and ignore Damian’s actions more. Avoiding any genuine feelings.

--

OVERALL

It’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Only two stories I’d actually call bad, which is a lot less than I thought With just occasionally sloppy art, not even what I’d call back, but just crude or not drawing the character accurately which will annoy some more than others.

When I heard of this book I got so worried, but only two stories is actually almost relieving how little that is given the potential ego-driven things they could’ve done, which only those two stories then.

To me, I say it’s worth a pick-up, just rip out a story or two to keep it friendlier to revisit

Mostly was just really missing that extra heart in a lot of the stories.

[rap-liine]

50 questions tag

tagged by: @nervousatthenightclub omg sorry this took so long but thank you!!!

1. What takes up too much of your time? prolly tumblr tbh

2. What makes your day better? just getting time to myself to chill and watch stuff

3. What’s the best thing that happened you today? a bunch of stuff actually!! i got a bunch of compliments on my outfit + hair, maintained first place in my gymnastic competition in gym, got my daily approval from my favorite teacher, finished the oreo ripple icecream i didn’t know we had until my sister told me and i discovered red oranges are a thing apparently 

4. What fictional place would you like to go? oooohhhh maybe Alagaësia (the place where the Inheritance Cycle is)

5. Are you good at giving advice? yupp

6. Do you have any mental illness? nope

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no

8. What musician inspired you the most? honestly i think the entirety of bts was really a big inspiration for me to get deeper into dancing and other things but hobi especially motivated me, and even though hyunjin’s backstory is super inspiring i don’t know how it helped me personally yet

9. Have you ever fallen in love? huh even 9 year crush don’t count as love imo

10. What’s your dream date? i’ve never really thought about it but probably a fancy dinner and a walk through the city at night after 🌌

11. What do others notice about you? i try to be optimistic and upbeat 24/7 so I really hate being around negative ppl, even tho ppl hate me for my smarts idgaf about them and genuinely care about my education, although im v confident im also v grateful for everything, and can cut people down but im really caring (mom friend literally everywhere) and i know what i want and i get it done

12. What is the annoying habit you have? ok my mom can fight me on this but burping isn’t that bad ok

13. Do you still talk to your first love? no? he moved but even before not really

14. How many ex’s do you have? 0️⃣

15. How many songs are on your playlist? pandora ain’t letting me see the full list but either way a lot of what i listen to isn’t on there, so im gonna take a guess and go at 500? it’s different for each playlist tho

16. What instruments can you play? i’m relearning piano and i want to pick up guitar

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? lmao one of my best friends and trust me they’re all ugly

18. Where would you like to go before you die? either mecca for religious purposes or greece/rome/brasil

19. What is your zodiac? virgo ♍

20. Do you relate to it? yES omg it’s like a 98% match

21. What is happiness to you? the emotional, physical, and spiritual contentment of a person OR (bc i think i understood this wrong) being with people i love, the feeling of accomplishment / pride, reading books that take you away from reality, debates and physical exercise

22. Are you going through anything right now? only high school my dude 🤙

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? even though this technically wasn’t my choice but eating nutella sandwiches for lunch every day and not getting into team sports as a kids 😭

24. What’s your favorite store? MARSHALLS, HANDS DOWN

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? women are absolutely entitled to the rights to their bodies and men should have no say whatsoever in this aspect, but at the same time don’t use it as an excuse to hoe around and constantly get pregnant

26. Do you keep a bucket list? not really, but i have an idea of some things i want to do in life

27. Do you have a favorite album at the moment? stray kids’ miroh (liSTEN TO IT)

28. What do you want for your birthday? silver/grey adidas soccer sweats, a new pair of black sneakers, and a permanent ps account

29. What are most peoples first impressions of you? 1) looks bc (majority of) ppl aint blind and 2) im super energetic and outgoing and just really friendly in general, 3) confident and a bunch of other things

30. What age do you seem according to most people? okkk literally all adults think im 5 years older than i am but?? i’m not 20 believe it or not

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on my dresser next to my bed or charging on my cabinet

32. What word do you say the most? the duh lmao prolly bruh or either of the second two words

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? no one older than me but maaaaaybe sixteen

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? no on younger than me past a few months

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? teaching but HUH i do not have to patience to teach kids

36. What’s your favorite music genre? pop (more specifically the kind with a k before it)

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? i’d stay in the US

38. What is your current favorite song? hmmmm beside the ones that will always be my favs then maze of memories by stray kids

39. How long have you had this blog for? only a few months but i made so many amazing mutuals already!! 💫

40. What are you excited for? my april trip to spain & morocco with my best friend and my move into my new private school in late august

41. Are you a better talker or listener? uhhh both?? i love talking but i’ve always been a human diary so i can't really chose

42. What is the last productive thing you did? finish four pages of my history hw 🙃🙃🙃

43. What do you want for Christmas? nothing bc i ain’t christian

44. What class do you get the best grades in? omg my grades are lowkey sad rn they’re all a minuses but!! i do really well in p much everything but us history honors, bio honors, and spanish ii are two classes i love and excel in

45. On a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now? gotta say a 9.3 bc im regretting all the sugar i ate today

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? working in a lab in boston

47. When did you get your first heart break? if you don’t fall in love you can’t get hurt :0

48. At what age do you want to get married? hmmmmmm i don’t wanna have a huge gap between me and my children but i also want to have a stable successful career first, so i’ll say before 30 ig

49. What career did you want to have as a child? veterinarian but then i realized that meant looking at sick animals all day and i went n o p e

50. What do you crave now? a gym bc i wanna exercise

tagging: @sonqmingi @parkseonghwa (whenever she comes back from hiatus), @lqhhj, @forhyunsuk, @ultvisual, @cuteez, @ateezsbitch @taengyo @astarlightmonbebe and ofc anyone who wants to!!

[dreammutual-remade]

high school!mark

request: highschool!mark if u love me plspls

 word count: 5.5k

a/n: lucky that I love u anon hehehehe !!!!! also wOW I didnt mean to make this so god damn long itS REALLY JUST THESE GOD DAMN HIGH SCHOOL AUS IM WEAK FOR THEM OKAY. look at this cutie hOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO RESIST

mark, renjun, jeno, donghyuck, jaemin, chenle, jisung

warnings: the usual intermittent cussing and probably an inappropriate joke or two

this au is my Ultimate Weakness it makes me soft as hell alright

………………….

LETS DIVE IN

okay so your mom has a job that forces your family to move around….. A LOT

and while you’ve gotten used to it for the most part it still sucks having to leave people behind and make completely new friends once every couple of years

this time you’re moving to a new school for your SENIOR YEAR and you’re livid

bc like ??? it’s senior year and you have exactly zero (0) friends since you’re new,,, yet again

you Threw A Fit when you found out but your mom was like shut up you ingrate soon you’ll be in college and won’t even have to worry about it

so you, an ingrate, shut up :/

you move in a month before school starts and the house is nice and your room is cute so that’s a plus !!!!!

you hang up some pictures and organize all your cute little trinkets you’ve collected over the years aw

you’ve even got a lil succulent garden growing on your windowsill

ITS CUTE AS HELL OKAY

alright so you’re gonna go explore around town because you , don’t know where anything is and you wanna find some good spots to hang

you take the bus into the middle of town because who tf is tryna drive themselves amirite ladies

support ur local bus driver

anywhom this isn’t a HUGE town but it’s one of those cute towns where you can pretty much walk anywhere you need to go

(god i wish that were me)

so you spend all day just, walkin

you find a library and pick up some books …….

both for decoration and reading okay

and you find a couple of restaurants and write them down to try later along with some coffee shops and whatnot

eventually you’re tired and prolly a lil sweaty bc it’s summer and you’re outside and ugh

so you find a nice big park and a tree and sit down at the base of it to read and mindlessly sketch things in the margins of your book

whEN OUT OF NOWHERE

someone shouts

“HEY WATCH OUT”

and you look up just in time to dodge a sOCCER BALL HURTLING TOWARDS YOUR FACE

it bounces off the tree and rolls a couple feet away

“uhhhh holy shit” - you

you just kind of sit there astonished for 5 seconds before you get up to get the ball and look around for who saved your LIFE

and there’s boy jogging toward you looking extremely embarrassed

you meet him halfway to hand him the ball and he’s like

“oh mY GOD i’m so sorry i told them to settle down but they never listen to me and jisung just ??? doesn’t know how to not take everything seriously and he lost and got pissed and kicked it and we didn’t even kNOW you were over here and also i’m so sorry”

you smile and tell him it’s fine and hand him the ball

you go to get back to your tree and he’s like hey uh you there uh wait up

god he’s awkward

and you turn around to face him with an expectant look

“so um, what’s your name? i haven’t seen you around here before and like in case i ever gotta make this up to you you know ??”

cute

you tell him your name and stick out your hand to shake and he grabs it very hesitantly and tells you his name is mark

he has , very warm hands and they’re only slightly bigger than yours but that’s still cUTE

MARK HAS BABY HANDS I DARE U TO SAY HE DOESNT

he says he hopes you enjoy your book and he’ll make sure the boys don’t disturb you anymore than they already have

you wave as he goes and he gives you a smile over his shoulder and his cheeks are tinged pink and wOw this boy is a cutie patootie

you go back to your reading but now instead of doodling you’re just writing his name or drawing his big doe eyes or his smooth hands

(((((let’s pretend we’re all good at drawing okay god knows i can’t do much more than a stick figure)))))

the boys leave after an hour or two and you leave pretty soon after then because the sun is setting and you gotta be home for dinner

basically your mom wants to make sure you aren’t kidnapped and/or lost in a new town

which, to be fair, is not that unlikely

you have your headphones in and you’re leaned against the bus window half asleep as you go

bitch wake up youRE GONNA MISS YOUR STOP

it’s the same bus driver who saw you get on and honestly there aren’t a lot of people on the bus so he makes sure you get off

“hey you, girl back there, hEY! this is your stop girly”

you thank him profusely and tip him because uhhhh u gotta get home and like Not Lost

you skip home with your bag of books and miscellaneous items you found at the thrift store!!!

you bought a little figurine of a dragon and she’s beautiful her name is saraphina because why not

that’s completely irrelevant i’m so sorry

i have ADHD

anywhom

you walk in and you’re all like hey momma !!! how goes it !!:3

and your mom is Sus™️ because why are you in such a good mood

and you’re like !!! cause i had a good day okay love u bye i’m going to my rOOM

don’t let her question anymore or else she’ll dig out that you met a Cute Boy

you go to your room and get out all your purchases and organize them while you still have the motivation to do so

and yeah

you use one of the blank notes to start like a lil drawing diary of sorts ???? like just to draw stuff in whenever you’re inspired or you see something pretty

and you definitely saw smth pretty today ;))))))))

hint: ITS MARK

you try to draw him from memory but it doesn’t look quite right and like :(((((( how sad is that what if you don’t even see him again

the rest of the month passes pretty quickly in the same fashion

by now you’ve befriended the bus driver and he tells you all the cool secret nooks and crannies of town for you to go find

he’s also your bff pretty much he always tells you about his daughter and all the cute things she does and you just talk about your life in general and he gives you advice

congrats you’ve unlocked Wise Uncle

he gives you directions to this teeny TINY flower shop where you befriend the old lady who works there by bringing a muffin everytime you go by

she trades you for a seasonal flower and makes a big deal out of tucking it behind your ear herself

basically you find all the cute old people in town and make them your friend because.

THATS CUTE

ADDED BONUS OF LIKE 17 PARENT FIGURES TO GIVE YOU ADVICE

this is accidentally straying into art hoe territory i hope y’all are okay w/ that

school is starting really soon and you’re nervous but also used to this so it doesn’t affect you as bad as normally

also you did meet some people so you aren’t going in with no friends but like, pretty close to no friends

on the first day of school you ride the bus and you see ???? mark ????? on your bus ????????

so you get on and do your daily greeting of the bus driver

his daughter lost her first tooth AW

you fake cry and he says “mood” and you lose it because you’re pushing internet culture onto this unsuspecting middle aged man skdkdkkd

you pat him on the shoulder as you walk back to find a seat but there are none because for some reason the bus is busy this early in the morning ????

you wouldn’t know lmao summer sleep schedule had you up at 10 at the earliest

so you go to stand and hold onto one of the poles in the center

(nearby our boy mark LEE)

mark looks up from his phone

these god damn millennials always on that damn phone

and he sees you and he’s like wHOA what’s up uhhh Soccer Ball Girl

and nice you remembered his name bUT HE DIDNT REMEMBER YOURS

but then he’s like nahhhh just kidding i remember ur name hey y/n !!!

you talk otw to school and find out you’re both seniors at the same school and how you’re excited for sports games and like, GRADUATING

mark keeps trying to offer you his seat but you refuse and he pouts everytime you say no :((((

good god just take the seat look at the sad baby boy :((((((((((((

there is an, occurrence

at one point the bus goes over a bump and you stumble a little and mark reaches up to catch you before you literally fall on him

his hands fly out and grab you by the hips to steady you since he’s sitting and you’re standing and he can’t exactly reach your shoulders sO YEA

or at least that’s his explanation in his head huehuehuehe

his hands linger for MAYBE 10 seconds before he whips them back into his pockets and blushes while you thank him

you: are also blushing

the bus driver: completely did that on purpose

when you get off the bus your Second Dad tells you good luck and pats you on the head and mark is like ???? do you know him

and you’re like yeah that’s my man maurice we’re buds

and he’s like ???? i’ve rode that bus all my life to school and i’m not buds with him wtf :/

“srry you’re not as lovable as me!! jealousy is a disease <3”

and he laughs his dorky laugh

you highkey are smiling so big because this boy is so cute and he’s walking close enough that your shoulders brush every once in a while and he has a silly laugh and AW

as you walk into the school marks group of Boys starts waving him over excitedly and he turns in their direction but then stops when he sees you aren’t following

“hey whatcha doin???”

“well uhhh those are Your Boys you know and i’m, i don’t, really, uh they don’t know me”

“aw cmon they’ll love you!!! look ill just introduce you and if they’re terrible and annoying you can leave”

“........ i gue-“

but he’s already grabbed your hand and is pulling you over to them

“sup fellas this is y/n and she just moved here this year so don’t be too overwhelming.”

the smaller one with the highish voice chimes in

“aww but overwhelming is my only setting”

“then just don’t be yourself, chenle”

“heYYY it’s that girl i almost killed in the park !!! so sorry about that by the way”

he introduces them to you one by one and they all shake your hand

jisung is the one with the big ass yaoi hands and also the one who almost ended your young life

jaemin is the one with pretty smile

jeno is the one with the squishy eyes

renjun is the Art Hoe of the group you can just tell

he’s wearing some got damn overalls you gotta befriend him immediately

donghyuck is the one with beautiful skin and a v high voice you’re highkey like hey but can you dROP THE SKINCARE ROUTINE and he’s like “i just wash my face every day xoxo :*”

you quickly learn who is a piece of shit and who isn’t

you figure out who has classes with you and then set off for the day !!

mark has gym and economics with you but those are after lunch :(((

he squeezes your shoulder before he leaves and says good luck though so you’ll survive

you have art with renjun first and this boy is your bestie already

he’s such a sarcastic shit and he too likes drawing random things and vandalizing school textbooks with artistically correct memes

he also has the AUDACITY

“so, you and mark already ;););)(;);)))”

“i uh don’t know what you mean by that”

“you SO do!!!!! you guys walked into school together everyone probably already thinks you’re a thing”

“oh shit really??? ah i feel so bad”

“is that a bad thing???”

“i mean yeah i’m not tryna Tarnish mark’s reputation”

“that is some self hatred bs he would be lucky to have you !!!!”

“renjun you don’t even know me that well yet”

“i know enOUGH”

you just uhh change the subject which renjun def notices but like

who cares

renjun apparently also goes to the same flower shop as you !!!

you find out because you see him drawing the front of it and you’re like heY i’ve been there my girl edna works there !!!!! she insist i call her grandma tho

and he’s all oh sHIT that’s my girl too !!!!!!

long story short edna is now your shared grandmother

now THAT is some uwu shit

you go about your day and it’s lunchtime and yOU uh don’t know where to sit :(

you see a girl that you met who works at the little coffee shop you like so you set off in her direction and you’re almost there when jeno and jaemin walk up and sling an arm around your shoulder from either side

“hEY BUDDY” -jeno

“SUP SQUIRT” -jaemin

and they start steering you in another direction towards their own table

“god of all nicknames you had to give me sQUIRT”

“yes it’s because you’re cute and small like squirtle”

“that’s a god damn reach if i’ve ever seen one but okay”

you get there and they practically TOSS you into the seat next to mark

he winces and gives you and apologetic pat on the back before starting the conversation

“alright so who actually did the summer reading”

as the table bursts into Absolute Ruckus you just kind of sit back and watch

mark notices you being quiet and while renjun and chenle are arm wrestling he leans over to quietly be like

“hey you doin okay over there? are they too much”

“oh not at all i’m just takin it in lmao”

“yeah that’s understandable. they’re easily the most entertaining group of people you’ll ever meet but also i’ve wanted to strangle every single one of them at least once”

“what are you 30??? you talk about them like you’re their mom”

“i mean someone’s gotta do it”

you and mark talk all throughout lunch and head to gym together since that’s next

exercising right after eating ??? sounds like a GREAT plan thanks so much public school system !!!!

you go to pull out your bag of gym clothes but ??? all you’ve got is shorts ?????

S H I T

you start whining because you’re like aWW i’m gonna get in trouble :(((((

and he’s like here i have like 12 shirts in here because i always bring too many and then leave some when i got soccer practice i gotchu

(he gives you the clean shirt that hasn’t been sitting in his locker <3333 what a guy)

you thank him proFUSELY and then go to the girls locker room to change

the shirt is too big and you don’t wanna look like a Bag so you tie a lil knot in it in the front

you don’t look like a thot tho you just look Cute As Fuck

some girl in the locker room lets you borrow a hair tie and off we go !!!

it’s the first day so everyone literally just stretches and sits around talking

you’ve hashtag LOST mark and you don’t have any friends yet so you’re just chillin talking to the girl who gave you a hair tie because she seems nice and you got nothin better to do

you’re explaining to her how to take care of a succulent /properly/ when mark catches a basketball that was headed right for you yelling a watch it !!!! over his shoulder

he turns to you and giggles a little, nudging your foot with his

“you’re just a danger magnet aren’t you”

“i mean danger is my middle name so”

“uGH get your ass over here away from all those freshman hoodlums who think they can play”

you wave bye to your friend because there’s literal fear in her eyes at the sight of mark ??

you ask her what’s wrong later and she’s like oh it’s not him i just have a crippling fear of boys

(that’s a mood)

you and mark pass a volleyball back and forth and fuck around pretty much all period

this is actually the one (1) sport he isn’t good at thank GOD you were worried he had no flaws

at the end of the class you ask him if he wants his shirt back and he says, and i quote,

“nah you and your thot knot can keep it, looks cuter on you anyways”

you smack his arm for calling you a thot but then thank him anyways for the shirt and for calling you cute :))))))))

econ passes the same way except normal clothing and no sports

although mark does throw a wadded up piece of paper on you that says u want 2 hang w the boys n me after school ? if yes then breathe if no do a backflip

this headass boy

you throw it back so it bounces off his forehead and then nod to confirm you will

you don’t have any of the boys in your last class and you don’t where to meet up so you just kind of loiter by your locker since jeno’s is pretty close to yours and maybe they’ll meet here ????

luckily jisung spots you and is like hey what r u doin here aren’t u hanging with us after school??? cmon

you follow him out to the parking lot where they’re all gathered around jeno and jaemins vehicles because apparently they’re the only ones with actual cars

rip

they start waving too excitedly when they see you and mark smiles all big

wooOOO baby boy already has a crush on you :3

they’ve apparently already decided to go to chenles house because apparently he’s fuckin loaded

you don’t believe that for a sECOND because he’s wearing crocs and an old ass polo shirt but

we’ll see

you mark and renjun ride with jaemin while the Babies ride with jeno since he is able to ignore them being crackheads in the backseat and drive his vehicle without crashing

apparently they’ve cause multiple vehicular accidents ??? possibly the reason renjun doesn’t have a car ???????

who knows

y’all have a blast in jaemins car tho playing tokyo drift from the third fast and furious movie if u haven’t heard that shit plEASE GO LISTEN WHAT A SONG HEHEHHEHHEHE

you pull into this BIG ASS house and you’re like no fucking way dude

and everyone else in the car simultaneously says

“i know right ???”

y’all pull in and go inside and it’s real nice holy SHIT

chenle comes in cackling followed closely be jisung and more sedately by jeno who looks ready to fckin die

you pat him on the shoulder and go you did well, soldier

he salutes solemnly before breaking out into the smile

y’all know the one

you UWU right there on the spot but hold yourself back from poking his cheek and cooing

chenle then SCREECHES and yells

“WHO IS TRYNA PLAY JUST DANCE”

and everyone crowds into his living room

somehow the couch is big enough to fit all of you comfortably that’s fckin impressive

you play just dance for 3 whole ass hours and now you’re Tired and Ready To Go Home

there’s a bus stop nearby and you insist upon walking since jaemin already have you a ride here and you didn’t even have gas money to give him :(((

mark goes to since you have to catch the same bus

you hum as you skip around the sidewalk and he walks behind you smiling fondly while you twirl around

he recognizes the song and whistles along and wow !!!!

Harmony™️

when you get to the stop you’re like 5 mins early

so to entertain yourselves you play rock paper scissors and each time the winner gets to flick the loser on the forehead

mark is a sweet boy so he flicks softly but you go all out

wouldn’t be surprised if he had a bruise tmrw girly u need to chill

you sit on the bus together when it arrives since there’s actually room now and he slumps down low until his head is pretty much rested on your shoulder

(our man maurice sees and is like GET IT GIRL but only so you notice and you make threatening hand motions at him)

you’re not sure if he’s asleep so you stay extra still just in case

and no one needs to know you rested your cheek on top of his head

but when it gets to your stop you’re like mark? mark lee??? mork ???? wake up ??? and you nudge him a little with your shoulder and he sits up and rubs his eyes aW

he slow blinks at you and goes

“hm?”

and you’re like i uh gotta go now

and he’s like :/// okay i’ll see you tomorrow and stands up and gives you a half hug before you go

maurice is DYING in the front you’re going to kill him

you walk home with a smile on your face and again your mom is suspicious of your good mood but you’re like aw it’s nothin just had a good day at school made lots of friends !!!!!!

as summer turns into fall you make more friends but you mostly hang out with the boys because they’re funny and nice to you and also Mark is there and we love our boy

you guys all attend football games together and go absolutely ALL OUT for whatever the theme is

for example: the theme was halloween and you all dressed as god damn SMURFS

it was legendary there was not one bit of you all that wasn’t covered in blue paint

jisung almost fought some girl who thought he was from the movie Avatar until everyone was like jisung cHILL OUT ITS NOT HER FAULT YOURE VERY TALL AND COMPLETELY BLUE

and well

can’t argue with that

it gets chillier though so you all bring blankets and cuddle most of the games

all of the boys suspiciously aren’t cold at first until you and mark share a blanket

they’re so obvious GOD

with each time y’all share you get more relaxed around each other until eventually mark has one arm slung around you and your legs are hooked over one of his thighs while y’all Snuggle

renjun waggles his eyebrows at you every five minutes and you discreetly give him the finger every time

little ASSHOLE

college applications are due like. right now

you all apply to a nice university close by as a backup/safe place and then apply to more brazy places just to see if you can get in

everyone’s been real stressed lately so you’re like !!!!! hey imma throw a friendsgiving party !!! yeehaw !!!!!!!!!

and you invite all of them over

“everyone bring smth and i’ll bake a ham or smth,,, i swear to GOD if all of you show up with store-bought pumpkin pie. i will kill you and then myself”

“what’s with you and pumpkin pie?”

“jUST. don’t”

((((srry i’m projecting my hatred of pumpkin pie onto u reader heheehehheh))))

everyone comes over and it’s really chilly so you have a fire in the fireplace and you have a couple of your gal pals over too

your mom is nice enough to leave y’all alone for the night and she’s not hurt since it’s not real thanksgiving

we stan moms

you bring out the ham and someone has brought green beans and mark ,,,, tHAT ANGEL he brought cornbread stuffing do y’all know what i’m talking abt

OOO THAT STUFF IS GOOD

and there’s sweet potatoes and apple pie and all the Thanksgiving Essentials

jisung wanted to be a dick so he brought cranberry jelly

“why don’t you have some:) cranberry preserves:) , jisung” -you, every 30 seconds

everyone sits down to eat and it’s LOUD so you’re like shut UP !!!!!!!!!!

“every1 say smth ur thankful for :3333”

“my family !!!!”

“you guys <3”

“awW BOOO” - everyone, while throwing things at jaemin

“my life !!”

“that i’m happy”

“gay” -chenle

“minecraft”

anyways no one took it seriously until it got to mark

“i’m grateful y/n moved here :))))))”

everyone goes KSKDDIDI and you blush and you’re like okay ily mark JSKKD

everyone EATS A LOT and then you go sit in a pile in the living room

you go to make hot chocolate for everyone and when you come back it’s , interesting how there’s only room for you next to mark . hm

you pass out the hot chocolate and everyone reaches Maximum Sleepytime

at this point you’re too tired to give a fuck and you just flop onto the couch next to mark and curl up into his side

he puts his arm around you to pull you close and this mf presses a tiny barely there kiss to your temple

you look up and like talk with your eyes

did u just

i did

oh

yeah

and then you just settle back down

it’s too crowded in here for any Moves to be Made

bUT YALL BEST BELIEVE WHEN ALL THESE YOUNGINS GET OUT UR HOUSE

you’ve got the karate kid on bc ??? who doesn’t love the karate kid and all of your cutie friends are asleep in various places

but once it gets super late you start waking people up and going hey i love you but your mom called mine like 8 times you gotta gO

you make sure everyone is awake fully if they’re driving and to text you when they got home safe

at long last

you’re alone

in your house

with mark

actually where is mark

mark has disappeared ?????

you start looking around for him and find him in your room ???

“you snoopin thru my things ??!?!??”

he jumps and is like uHH but you’re like nah you’re fine idc

so he continues and he was really just lookin at what kind of books you have and the little drawings and paintings and knick knacks everywhere

you just sit on your bed and observe him

let’s be real he’s nice to look at and you’d be perfectly fine doing this for uhhh the rest of your life

he pulls a book off your shelf and starts flipping through it until he pauses at a page

and his face blooms into this big smile and he looks hella giddy

and you’re like uhh hey whatcha lookin at there bud

and he just keep smiling and it’s a little smug now wtf

“when were you reading this?”

“oh uh i don’t know i got it this summer at that cute little bookshop”

“was it, by chance, the day we met?”

“i mean maybe??? why ????”

and he shows you the page and it’s tHAT oNE WHERE YOU WERE DOODLING BITS OF HIM AND WRITING HIS NAME ALL OVER IT

FUCK !!!!!!!

you immediately turn tomato red and snatch the book in to hold it tightly to your chest

“uhhh i do that with uhhhh eVerYONE I MEET”

“aw i thought i was special:((((”

he’s creeping closer to you this whole time until he’s INCHES AWAY

he gently pulls the book out of your hands and places it aside before grabbing your wrists and uncrossing your arms

“personally, i think it’s really cute”

you blush even more this man knows what he’s doing

you mumble a thanks with your eyes trained on his fuzzy socks what a dork

he releases one of your wrists to push your chin up so he can look you in the eyes

“do you really do that with everyone you meet?”

“,,,,,,, no it’s just you”

“alright cool”

and then he wraps his arms around your waist to pull you close til you’re pressed together chest to chest AW

he nudges his nose against yours and you close your eyes because your god daMN HEART IS POUNDING AND YOU CANT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THOSE BIG PUPPY EYES

he presses the sweetest and gentlest of kisses to each cheek and then to the top of your nose

he presses one last lingering kiss on your forehead before he tilts his chin down to press your lips together

it’s so soft and innocent wow i’m going to SHED TEARS WRITING THIS

and he pulls away and you press your face into his neck in embarrassment

he chuckles a lil and rubs your back, leaning his cheek against your head

“hey, you down there”

you say “yeah?” but your voice is muffled by his neck and it’s more like eh ???

“my girlfriend y/n will you be ???”

what the fuck

you pull your head back so you can look at his face which is turning steadily redder

“uh what”

“shIT uh i meant will you uh bemygirlfriend”

your confused expression turns into a shit eating grin and you’re like

“what was that :)))) i didn’t hear you :)))))”

he groans and rests his forehead on your shoulder and pitifully whines out

“please be my girlfriend :(((((“

you pick his face up and hold it between your palms and he pouts playfully

“well how could i say no to that face”

and you smooch him right on those lil pouted lips

“yes i’ll be your girlfriend”

he smiles real big and smooshes you against him aw

wow so now you’re mark lee’s gf

LUCKY BITCH

lowkey you get a few threats but as soon as mark catches wind of that he stands on the statue in front of the school and announces that if anyone has a problem with you they’ve got a problem with him !!!!

and he looks like: ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

you drag him down while apologizing to everyone in the general vicinity

mark is. veRY CLINGY NOW

i mean no complaints here it’s just

wow

you’ll be standing at your locker when BAM mark is wrapped around you from behind and you get a hey baby how’s ur day right in your ear

in gym class he restrains himself since the coaches are always like LEE KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF

but he always whines after and is like

:((((( but you look so cute in my shirt i wanna squish you

whenever mark comes over you force him to let you draw him at least once

each time it gets easier since you’ve started to memorize the details of his face and the knuckles of his hands and the shape of his shoulders

a lot of times he just comes over to watch movies and talk

he’s not an eloquent guy

(“you all look like pretty grass :)))” - mark lee)

but he gets what he needs to say out and he enjoys listening to you talk about whatever’s on your mind

you’ve started a glow in the dark star sticker collection to put on your ceiling and each time he comes over you put a constellation up there

so you’ll lay in bed and turn off the lights and just stare at the ceiling and try to name them all

soon you’ll just get sleepy though and press your face into his chest

he uwu’s every time :((((

after he’s done being astonished by his Baby™️ he’ll wrap his arms around you and stroke a hand up and down your spine wow

Real Relaxation Hours

your mom will come home and find y’all asleep and then SHE uwu’s and it’s just one big cute MESS

he loves to kiss you right as he’s leaving like he’ll lay one on you then RUN to the bus stop

p.s. maurice is on y’all every day saying he called it AY

his other favorite kisses are when he catches you off guard and just turns you around and kisses you and you’re like

I’m Confused But I Like This

lots of sweet pecks throughout the day and then longer slower stuff when you’re home and alone and relaxing

leaves hickeys on your neck literally just to be annoying

it’s oKAY THO DONT TELL HIM YOU LIKE IT

months pass and youve said your first “i love you’s” to each other and renjun is always like so when y’all gettin married huh

you both SMACK him simultaneously

but lowkey you would marry mark he’s the best and you love him so wHY NOT

but it’s early and you know that and you’re happy with what you have now :))))))

pls love and support our hardworking baby mark lee he is doing his best and i love him goodnight

[vin-robles]

Journal Entry 01

“Dear diary journal SHIT.

     “I really hate how both of those sound. Makes me feel like some dumb kid who can’t use her damn words. Which I guess is accurate considering how hard this is for me. But whatever. Qessyn was nice enough to give me a datapad so I’m not bored to death having to stay down in the guts of this ship with someone I don’t like very much.

     “Anyway. Yeah. So I guess I managed to get kidnapped by raiders. Try and figure that one out. I don’t remember how it happened. Hell, I don’t even remember the last week and a half, or much of what happened before it.  All I know is, right now I hurt like hell all over, I can’t really talk or keep anything down, and damn it I want my clothes back. I’m stuck staying in Sendak’s room right now and the blanket Qessyn gave me isn’t thick enough to be much good against how cold it is in here. Doesn’t help that half my fur’s gone. She said she had to cut most of it off my back so my skin’d heal properly. Don’t care for all those details. I just hate feeling naked like this. Really, really hate it.

     “Back to Sendak, though... I’m still not sure I believe it, but, Qessyn said he was the one who brought me back here. Like, he actually walked all the way out to a raider hideout, beat the shit out of everyone in it, and brought me home. It’s... weird. I always felt like he thought he and the others’d be better off without some filthy non-Galra hanging around and weighing them down. Dunno if she’s just lying to me to make me feel better about him or what... Can’t really remember enough about the last few days to tell if she is.

     “Don’t really wanna think about it too much. Hard enough keeping my head up. Took me a varga just to type this out and all I really wanna do right now is sleep. Maybe I’ll remember something later.”

Journal Entry 02

     “For the life of me I can’t figure Sendak the hell out. On the outside he’s just a total asshole who seems to hate everyone’s guts. Always figured he’d actually be happier if the rest of us just up and died or something. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with anyone but himself. Whatever good that does.

     “But then he went and tracked me down. I dunno. Maybe he figured I was gonna eventually crack and give up his location or his identity or whatever, or maybe Qessyn just threatened him. (With what, I couldn’t say. She’s about as threatening as a baby pipingo.) But, I mean, all that aside, wouldn’t he just say say something like ‘We’re better off without her’? I know Hack’d at least agree with that. Maybe not Qessyn, considering she’s the one who busted me outta that prison ship in the first place. But still. It’d make more sense to just move on than to waste his time and energy busting into an enemy camp for one person.

     “Who the hell knows. I’m trying not to over-think it cause it probably isn’t even as deep as all that. For all I know he was prolly just bored. Seems to happen a lot around here. I’ve only been conscious for a couple days and I’m already sick of just lying here. I wanna get up and get back to work, but none of them will let me out of here. Not even Qessyn. Not that I’d get very far if I tried. I still can’t even really stand on my own. So I guess walking is out of the question. Or literally anything else.

     “Anyway, speaking of Qessyn, she’s here to change my bandages and see to that new gash on Sendak’s head. She said he got it while he was trying to rescue me. Idiot. Shoulda been watching where he was going.”

Journal Entry 04

     “I feel like I’m starting to remember some things. Stuff about where I was held prisoner. About the people who were keeping me there. The stuff they did to me...

     “Honestly, I’m surprised I even made it out alive, let alone with my sanity. It really wasn’t long at all, but they kept hounding me and beating me all cause they figured I knew something valuable.

     “Joke’s on them, I guess. Still, I’m trying not to think about it too much. Bad enough I got scars all over my back. Don’t need ones in my head, too. Qessyn says they don’t look too bad but, I know she’s lying. But it’s not like it really matters. Nobody’ll know the difference once my fur grows back in, except me. Not trying to win any beauty contests or anything. It’ll be fine.

     "...On a brighter note, my strength is starting to come back. Sendak’s been forcing me to get up and walk around, which is hard because I’m not really able to support myself yet and fucked if I want him holding me up. I hate even having to be in the same room as him, but it can’t be helped. Hack and Qessyn have to hunt and he’s the only one left to keep an eye on me. Won’t let me out of his sight most days, saying he doesn’t want me wandering off and getting my ass into trouble again.

     “Like I’m really stupid enough to do that. He acts like I’m some brainless kid. For all I know, that’s what he really thinks, too.

     “Whatever. Doesn’t matter. What he’s thought never mattered to me. Qessyn worships the ground he walks on, but I don’t see what the big deal is.

     “Nuts, I can’t wait to get back into my own damned room. I want my privacy back, and I’m sure he wants his back, too. Just a couple more days, I think.

     “Yeah, that’s all I need. Everything’ll be fine then.”

Journal Entry 05

     I guess I had a night fright or something... I don’t remember much about it. I just... I just remember seeing a bunch of dark shapes, then waking up freezing to death but sweating bullets. My back was on fire. Felt like I was right back in that cell, strapped to the floor...

     “Sendak was... right there. I dunno why, but he was. He... didn’t say much. Didn’t say anything, really. Neither did I. He just kind of let me lie there with my head in his lap til I stopped shaking and fell back asleep.

     “It was weird. Not... not bad weird. Just... weird. He was warmer than I’d expected him to be. Like, even with all that fur, he’s just one of those guys you’d expect to be ice-cold right down to the core. But he wasn’t.

     “Whatever. Must’ve helped, cause I slept so heavy that I didn’t even notice when he got up and left. And when I woke up I had a couple more blankets on me. Guess Qessyn heard me complaining or something. Good enough. Least I’m not cold anymore.”

Journal Entry 06

     “Sendak’s been gone ever since yesterday. Don’t know where he went. Don’t really care. Qessyn seems to be worried, but that’s just Qessyn being Qessyn, I think. Girl’s completely head over heels for the guy, so I guess she’d worry about him even if he was in plain sight. More power to her or whatever. I think she could do better.

     “Anyway, with him out of the way I finally managed to drag myself back to my own room. Starting to feel a little more stable on my legs, but, not enough to actually get myself into my hammock without help. I must’ve tried at least five or six times before Qessyn had to come and pick me up off the floor. I settled for makin’ a bed for myself out of the window seat. Least there I can look out at the water.

     “Awful lot of bugs, though. Season must’ve changed while I was gone or something cause it feels like there’s twice as many as before. I’ll have to build a trap once I can trust myself around my tools again. Still hard to hold onto stuff. Still got no energy. I’m finally able to keep food down again, but only barely. Guess it doesn’t help that the only stuff I seem to be able to eat is all just kind of bland and boring. No spices or anything. Screws with my gut.

     “What I wouldn’t give to be able to chug a bottle of hot sauce right about now...”

Journal Entry 08

     “It’s been kind of lonely around here. Sendak still isn’t back from wherever he’s got off to.  Qessyn and Hack have been busy either hunting or fixing crap around the ship. A bad storm hit us a couple days ago and basically speared a tree right through the hull and into the main corridor, so they’ve been having to deal with that.

     “I tried to help. Qessyn wouldn’t let me. Hack was a little more sympathetic to how damned stir-crazy I’ve been going, so he let me chop off a few limbs before I had to stop for a while. Then that was that. I was by myself again cause they had to get work done and I was just gonna be in the way of that.

     “It sucks that it’s taking me this damned long to get back to feeling like myself, but... It’s hard. I haven’t been sleeping right. Even in my own room, it’s a crapshoot as to whether I’m gonna have another of those frights. And without anyone there to calm me down, it’s just me, alone with my thoughts. Which is the last thing you want when you’ve just had the shit scared out of you all over again, and literally everything in your room looks like it’s gonna jump out and take a swing at you.

     “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of wish Sendak would come back. I... I don’t feel safe right now. And he’s the only one who actually saw that place, and what I went through there. But... what does it matter when I can’t even really talk to him?

     “This sucks.”

Journal Entry 09

     “Sendak came back this morning and I already kind of wish he was gone again. Yeah, it was too quiet without him, but having him here is nigh unbearable.

     “He brought a bunch of medical supplies back with him, so that’s great and all. But he hasn’t let up on me about how I’ve done literally everything wrong since he left. You should be exercising more. You should be eating more protein. 

     “What protein? It’s not exactly like we’re living on a mountain of meat, here. Course, he kind of fixed that, too. Sort of. Not sure what he killed, but it was big, and somehow he managed to drag it back with him. Worst part was though, he tried to get me to drink its blood. Said it was full of nutrients or some snake oil garbage like that. It’d make me ‘feel better.’

     “I called it for the load of crap that it was, but he still hasn’t given up on getting me to drink that stuff. Hopefully, he’ll forget about it by tomorrow, but I’ve got my doubts.

Journal Entry 12

     “He just won’t get off my ass, and I swear I’m gonna boot him in the nards one of these days, if he even has any nards to boot.

     “I think I liked Sendak better when he minded his own business. You know, when he stayed down there in his room all day, drinking the Woods only knows what trashcan-grade booze he can get his hands on. He reeks of the stuff so bad some days that I gotta wonder if he isn’t using it for colon coloan perfume or something.

     “It’s not the smell that bugs me, though. It’s that he’s up in my business so damned much. Pushing me around, telling me what to eat and when, when he barely seems able to take care of himself in the first place. He dictates my diet, forces me out of bed to get exercise at the most awful hours. I mean at least he’s letting me sleep in my own room again, but that doesn’t mean he’s let up on all the other stuff.

     “What sucks is, it’s actually working... I’ve started to feel a lot better. I’m up and around. I’ve started going out to hunt again with Haxus. It feels like things are actually starting to go back to something that resembles what’s normal around here. And I’ve gotta thank Sendak of all people for that. Rather choke on a poison spinefish than do that, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I’m better because of him.

     “Whatever. He’s observant. I’m sure he doesn’t need me telling him about my whole ‘miracle recovery’ when he was the one who facilitated it.”

Journal Entry 14

     “Woke up with those nightmares again. Still vivid as ever, if not more so. That part sucks, but, I’m starting to remember more about the whole thing. I remember seeing Sendak there. I remember him saving me...

     “I still can’t believe it, really. I think deep down I actually thought it was just Qessyn giving him credit for something she did, but, it wasn’t. It was actually him. I’m still not sure what to think.

     “I tried to go see him, but just like I figured he’d be, he was asleep. I didn’t leave, though. I, uh... I went in and just kind of curled up next to him. I just feel a little bit safer with him around, I guess. Makes sense since he’s the reason I’m still alive right now.

     “I don’t think he liked that very much, though. He was gone by the time I woke up. Probably didn’t want to be around me. Don’t really blame him. I’m kind of a jerk to him most days. But we’re jerks to each other. It’s just what we do.

     “I kinda gotta wonder, though... What would it be like if we actually got along?

     “Maybe I’m just talking stupid... Whatever. It’s not important. We do just fine hating each other like we do.”

Journal Entry 16

     “I caught Sendak trying to leave again today. Asked him where he’s been disappearing to. He didn’t wanna answer, but I pressed him on it against my better damn judgment.

     “He didn’t really say much of anything. Just gestured for me to follow him. Which I did. For a few hundred feet before we got to a skimmer he must’ve swiped from somewhere. Seen more than a few raiders on one of the things, but I didn’t realize you could control them one-handed. 

     “He drove me into the city on that thing. The ride was rough as hell but it was better than slogging two miles through nothing but swamps and then another eight through impassable jungle. 

     “We didn’t go that far in. Just into the outskirts, really, to some dive I guess he’s been hanging out in when he hasn’t been back at the ship. Real slummy looking place. Prolly hasn’t been cleaned in years if I had to guess, but we weren’t really there for the food, anyway. We were there maybe half a varga when some greasy looking guy (greasier than the rest, at least) just kinda stumbled in through the door, drunk as hell.

     “Sendak asked me if I had a gun on me - first thing he’d said to me all damn day. I didn’t, so he just kinda shoved a pistol into my hands and got up to go confront this dude.

     “Well, uh... long story short, he just up and grabbed this dude and dragged him out back. I dunno if he was shaking him down for info or what.

     “Guy tries to throw a punch, to which Sendak just kinda grabs him by the front of his coat, jacks him up off of his feet, then he turns and tells me to shoot the guy.

     “Me? Why me? I got nothing against the guy. I don’t even know what he’s done, but Sendak just up and tells me that if I don’t shoot him, he’s gonna paint the wall red with this guy’s skull. So in the interest of being at least a little merciful I just shoot the guy in the head before he can scream any more and attract someone’s attention. Not that it would’ve done much. This isn’t the kind of place where people respond to someone yelling for help.

     “But anyway... yeah... Turns out this guy was some murderer who had a 50,000 GAC bounty on his head. That’s not... That’s not really a lot, all told, but I guess it was the reason Sendak was able to afford all those medical supplies he brought home. He’s been out collecting bounties. Which is stupid because for all he knows he could be seen by someone and that’d be it. Game over. He’s caught, someone follows his trail to the rest of us and we’re all done for.

     “So far that hasn’t been the case, though. He’s done this a few times and nobody’s so much as looked at him crooked cause I guess he’s got them all scared. They should be, really. Or they would be if they knew what he was.

     “So, that was a lot. I guess I’m still kind of riding high/reeling from everything. Not hanging out with him, I mean, though I guess that was kind of... nice? Like he let me in on some big secret or something. I kind of want to do it again, but I know he’s probably just gonna tell me ‘no’ if I ask, so I’m just gonna leave it. For now, at least.

     “It was just nice to not argue with him for once. Too bad it’s probably never gonna happen again.”

Journal Entry 20

     “I’m not sure, but I feel like something changed when I went into the city with Sendak a few days ago. We still don’t talk all that much but it seems like he’s been a little more patient with me. I’ve been well enough to start hunting with him again, and it hasn’t been near as difficult. He shows me how to do things instead of just insisting on doing them himself. And I don’t feel as self-conscious around him as I used to.

     “It... It feels like so much less of a chore, now. It’s actually... It’s actually fun?

     “Maybe I’m just delusional because I’m happy not to be bedridden anymore. Feels like it’s been a deca-phoeb, but it’s only been... what, three movements since everything went down? I think I lost track somewhere along the way. Whatever the case, I’m just relieved to be useful again, instead of depending on everyone else for every little thing.

     “Guess that’s all I’ve really got to say for now. We’re gonna head back to Neo Shousis in a few and see if we can’t pick up a couple more bounties. Maybe I’ll grab a few things for Qessyn while I’m at it. I feel kind of bad cause I’ve been hanging out with Sendak so much more. I mean, it’s not like anything is going on, but it still feels weird when she’s the one who’s got the huge crush on him.

     “I just don’t want to make her feel like she has something to worry about.”

Journal Entry 27

     “I think I might have to stop going into the city with Sendak.

     “I mean, nothing’s happened. We haven’t fought. If anything, I’d have to say things are kind of going too well. We’re working well together. We’re taking down a lot of small fry criminals and bringing in a lot of money. But... I... I don’t even really know how to say this.

     “I feel like I’m getting too close to him.

     “I never thought I’d actually say that, but, it’s true. I should hate his guts for what he is and what the empire did to my planet and to my family. But I don’t... At least, not as much as I thought I did. He- He’s just another guy. Another person, like me, just trying to get along and not get killed in the process. And I... I don’t know. I like being around him, but...

     “...We got caught in a rain storm today, on the way back to the ship. A really heavy one. Bad enough that we had to pull over and take shelter. He opened up his cloak and pulled me under it to keep me dry, and we must’ve sat like that for at least a varga or two, just him and me.

     “I guess that in itself isn’t bad, but, it’s how it felt that worries me. My heart... I haven’t felt it just race like it did in ages. Not since I was a lot younger, when I had my first big crush.  I can’t do that again. I can’t do that to Qessyn. Sendak is her dream, not mine. I have to detach now, before I regret it.

     “Maybe I should trade with her, and start hunting with Haxus again. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

     “Yeah...”

[plushybread]

just wanted to say hiii~

its nighttime and im bored and started thinking about my life in the past and how much has changed. ppl getting married, having kids, working on their careers, finding themselves.. basically living their lives.

i use to feel left behind and not going foward. i felt like im still a kid unsure of myself and what to do. but now i accepted that all i need to do is live life memorably. enjoy my time here even if im not doing anything important. enjoy my interests and hobbies and take things slow.

right now im rlly into fashion/clothes and i couldnt care less what i do with my life as long as i have swaggg hehe. but since im lowkey poor i cant always afford the latest thing i b eyeing (i wish i was one of those rich girlies from nyc that go to fashion school or something *sigh*). i have small hobbies like collecting stickers, fun art and jewelry from small artist businesses, etc. i remember owning a school planner all of us kids were forced to use had one page dedicated to stickers i recieved or found. so i guess me collecting things isnt new. all i want is pretty things to decorate my life with (i want future generations of my family to know that i was THE material girl).

ppl knew me for being an “artist” and always drawing but honestly, im tired. idk why i feel sooo much fatigue to do things. i get off of work and i just want to rest. and now that i think about it, i rlly have to do this shtick for the rest of my life to survive. work. nooooo!! anyways, i dont rlly draw that much and i’ll only draw if i get a small tiny spark of motivation. when i was younger i intented to b one of those artists that promote their work and sell their art. but making my hobby as a job would prolly not work for me.. so in short, i draw occasionally.

i’ve been living in another state for about 2 yrs now and im glad i did (otherwise i’d be stuck in my hometown even more depressed than i ever was). i’ve met new ppl, experienced fun things and honestly i feel soooo much more confident than ever before!!

so i guess thats the end of my lil diary/update entry hehehe.. nobody is gonna read this lololol. i’ll prolly post here more if i dont feel like annoying my twitter mutuals alot haha. or i might lie and neva post here again! muah!

[floating-on-blog1]

10/5/17: Up-and-up

So...I guess in the last post one thing I didn’t really elaborate on was the breakup. And it’s an important thing in my life, recently; so I guess I should talk a bit about it.

Last Friday, like one day less than a week ago at this point, I broke up with my (now) ex. Honestly, though I’m the one who pulled the trigger on ending it, she pushed me to do it. She clearly didn’t want me there anymore. I was still very, desperately in love with her, willing to do just about anything to keep things going, but she was just shitting on my efforts for no apparent reason. So, I guess, I just couldn’t keep that up. She wanted me gone anyway.

Honestly, the days since have been super rough.

I already talked a little bit about my drunken birthday in the last post. And that sucked. But unfortunately, it just kept sucking after that. Monday was shit, Tuesday was shit, and Wednesday was shit. In fact, on Wednesday, after being unable to just hold it all inside myself for so long, I asked her best friend if we could talk a bit (I was friends with her too, but I have a feeling we’re not gonna have a relationship going forward. My ex got claim to her in the breakup, so to speak lol). And I just poured out everything to her. How alone I feel without my ex, how my friends all seem to be too busy to see me anymore since this semester started, how I had the shittiest birthday of my life by far, and just how worn down I was. Honestly, she tried her best to be there for me but didn’t have much to say.

In fact, I even learned from her that, well, my ex came to the conclusion that she had never loved me anyway. Just the relationship.

And I mean. That’s devastating.

It was a gut punch. I just felt even worse that night, if it was possible. I felt so worthless, tossed to the side, and used. Eventually I just told the friend that she shouldn’t be expected to deal with my problems, and just stopped texting her.

Aaaaand immediately texted another friend, who, on my birthday, told me if I ever needed to talk, she was there. So I was ready to cash in. I just unloaded everything about the relationship that I was so strung up about, which she knew almost nothing about. And she was supportive, and gave me some advice and ideas to move forward. So that’s helpful. At the time, i felt dismissive of that like everything else, but in retrospect, it’s allowed me some mental clarity I didn’t have before.

So this morning I woke up feeling terrible like usual.

Natural progression of feeling worse and worse until I get to class and am able to focus somewhat on the lecture, numbing my brain a little bit. I just started feeling worse and worse as class went on, and honestly once it was over I was just left empty again.

I thought, you know what, I dunno. Maybe I can get help. I need someone who can support me, and idk where I can even find it. I don’t wanna bother my friends. So my thought was, maybe I’ll look into counseling. My university offers it free, so I got onto their website. Took a self-evaluation test, said I might be experiencing depression symptoms. But w/e, this just started. It prolly isn’t even long term.

Honestly, I didn’t have the guts to go and actually set up an appointment or something. It feels like an admission of weakness. Ironically, i don’t feel strong enough to admit that i can’t just handle this with me and my friends. Feels like admitting I don’t have friends or something.

So then I took my friend from last night’s advice and checked out some student groups at my college. I got online and crawled through the directory of them, and emailed two interesting ones: a volunteering group (honestly, maybe doing something good and surrounding myself with people who wanna do good will give me some purpose in my life), and a slam poetry group (I’ve always loved the idea of it...never had the guts to put myself out there for it though). I felt better already, just imagining some hypothetical future where I can have a slick-ass poem prepared to get on stage and deliver it to a crowd of attentive, like-minded hipsters. I’m a narcissist, and I’m soooo ready for that.

And the rest of the day just got better. My roommate and I traded ridiculous jokes about our terrible programming homework, and later I went to work out with one of my friends, and he asked if I felt comfortable talking about my breakup.

And honestly, finally, I was comfortable. I did want to talk about it.

I told him just about everything I’ve told this blog diary, and a bit more. He listened and was understanding, and was happy to hear that today, I was doing better. He had noticed me being down, and I’d mentioned to him the previous day that things just felt rough. It felt good to finally open up.

Tonight, I thanked my friend from last night, and talked a bit more with her. I knew her in high school, but only occasionally texted her now. It seemed like she was doing really well in her college in a different state, which was great to hear about. And I told her how much better I was feeling, and how her advice had been helpful to me and let me recover a bit. And she was really happy to hear that, and I was just really happy to finally feel a bit more free. I don’t feel a slave to my worst emotions anymore. They’re still there, a bit, but they aren’t controlling me. They’re smaller. And me, inside my soul, I’m finally bigger than them again.

I feel like it’s time to remake myself.

I wanna double down on this slam poetry, or something else artsy. I wanna get even more hipstery. I like all that pretentious shit, tbh. I wanna be in it, and just indulge. I wanna meet new people, too. I want all sorts of interesting new friends. I want to get out of the computer science tech crowd and find different types of people—and not just dudes! There’s waaaayy too many men in computer science, for the record, and I know I’m just contributing to the problem...but I actually really like programming, so sue me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Well, anyway. That’s how I’m doing. I’m better!

And somehow, I never made a sad blog. I think I just didn’t want my second only blog to be a total downer. Maybe you’ll still get one soon! We’ll see. It’s 2AM here—have a good night!

[sheerhope]

extended diary thing / holy lucky streak batman

if you dont wanna hear about my bitchass personal life and you wanna continue thinking i have a good girl persona and dont have wild sex scroll past this for more joji and aesthetics ty

ladies and gents these past couple of weeks have been goddamn magical. i can’t describe it any other way. we need to count the blessings god have given us up untill this point in life bc frankly idk if i can keep track anymore

seeing people i thought i would never see: a domino effect of blessings:

alright so britbong crush who i mentioned in previous posts (if youre reading this: hi lmao) says hes gonna be a speaker at this tech thing. super dope and i’m supportive but also like “dude we’re gonna be in the same country but opposite sides smh” SO i tell my homegirl mikayla about this and shes like “no youre going you apply for scholarships and get there” and i’m like “fat chance also plane ticket and hotels” and shes like “idk do it anyways”. so i do that, apply for this scholarship, get in , room with my other homegirl fiona, and get my flight crowdfunded. how the hell this all fell into place perfectly i will never know but i thank god and also those gofundme-ers. yall make dreams come true.

thats only part one of this several-part story, comrades.

it was everything i imagined and more. i hung out with him. i talked with him, held hands with him, sang and rapped with him, hacked with him, played ping pong with him, ran all around the city and showed him the cutesy touristy things. also wild wild sex. never ever will forget that lmao. but yeah. thats just the TLDR. 

day one was awk bc we were just getting to know our IRL selves but i think the peak was probably ping pong. just being a goofball with him and networking. he also held my hand in the lyft back to french montanas unforgettable and i wont forget that. okay lol

day two i actually got some damn sense and ditched the heels and wore flats. also lyfted instead of a 30 minute walk to the piers. rest of the day was hacking on this project we were working of there (cant name it bc it would prolly give away the conf and his name and im not gonna do that bc opsec af). i went to go drop off stuff at his place after. i’ll keep it SFW and simple by saying we ended up being late to a party last nigh bc we were too busy in his room lmao. that freaked me the fuck out tho bc he was on some “i just wanna be friends and see how this goes” bs and i was like “ehhhh do i really wanna hookup or just be straight up and say i don’t want anything but us for real”. ranted to some female friends about this at a party but by the time i was back at his place he was cool with making it legitimate. and i was over the moon.

day three my dude. (he got his first in&out!!!) we went to apple and cuddled on caltrain and swapped music. (i finally got my odwalla lmao) and then me and my fam went out to stanford to my long lost sister from the other coast. we left and took the train back and i shit you not there were fireworks out the window. bitch if this isnt a chickflick i don’t know what it is. then and i took my stuff from fi’s place to his place for uh... obvious reasons lmao. <insert lewd activities> i swear we tried to watch tv tho.

day four we coordinated outfits omg. idec if i sound cocky for a moment but i had the cutest ass outfit it was like a flowery dress and denim blouse okay ANYWAYS he looked amazing and like the only guy in the world to me and yeah lol <insert montage of running around doing touristy shit and looking badass. lombard, golden gate, ghiradelli, etc.>. i also tried boba for the first time which was cool. i got my sushirito and he got his frosted lemonade. we made it FB official then ran off to caltrain to show him google. imagine a cute ass couple riding around on google bikes and taking pics everywhere. that was us lol. we also had to call 911 on these people fighting but we’re gonna ignore that lmao. best night once we got back though. we had m&ms and white wine and watched video game reviews on youtube and cuddled. it was the most romantic thing ever. can’t even describe it, but i’ll never forget that moment. it was a perfect blend of #adulting but also just being childish and ourselves around eachother

day five worst day but it still was a damn good day bc i got to spend it with him. in&out for breakfast, saw sea lions, then went our separate ways for flights. we went to bart together before splitting off  and i hugged him tight before he left and he comforted me saying he’d see me again,  but when he got on his train and it left i legit started crying because i thought “damn this is it, i’m not going to see him again forever” which i know now is bs but like, its still a long time yknow?

overall 11/10 trip, makes me smile and tear up thinking about it. legit it was like a fairytale or movie or chickflick, every goofy moment too. (inb4 i go total white chick mode)

Other shit thats dope but not quite as dope as that:

new kitten named boots. hes p dope. 

new job at summer camp in a week or so. also dope. scared bc uncertainty but who knows, could be better than expected. 

startup got our app on the app store. i’d link but opsec. 

maybe will snag a gig for the fall but idk yet.

but yeah life has been good to me. too good. new tech, new bf, new cat, new job, new success. I thank God honestly, this luck streak is too abnormal to be anything but that.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, 4.14.2007 + 4.15.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week. today: buttrock confessions

4.14.2007

40) "Ticks," Brad Paisley

So I watched the whole entire CMAs instead of Game 7 of the World Series and don't regret a single choice I made (the game went into extras, you don’t really have to watch baseball until the ninth inning tbh), and it struck me how much of a dorky theatre kid Brad Paisley was. He's objectively a great guitarist, like hokey as this song is and as little I know about music I think that's a dope fucking guitar line, but gosh darn, he was trying so hard the whole time at those CMAS! And that puts a song like this in perspective, because, like I said, it's hokey as fuck, but if you can just understand that Brad Paisley's sense of humor is that of someone who understands that being funny is a way to be Liked and is trying his best to be Liked, it sort of comes together and you can brush it off.

75) "We Takin' Over," DJ Khaled ft./T.I., Akon, Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Lil' Wayne, Baby

FUCK DUDE LIL' WAYNE USED TO BE GOOD. Like OK I think we all know I wanted to come here and be like "look at the humble beginnings of the meme man! He wasn't such a meme in these days!" but then there was a Lil' Wayne verse where he wasn't fucking around with Auto-tune, he was just rapping, and he was such a good fucking rapper that I'm actually angrier at the two "verses" he had on those Nicki Minaj songs a couple weeks back. It's not even one of his more notable verses, I don't think, it was just a normal 10-year-old Wayne verse, but I'm still here like, what a treat, a Lil' Wanye feature I don't mind! How lucky we were in 2007!

78) "Little Wonders," Rob Thomas

it is good to remember things that are nice! the lyric video i watched for this song ended with this message from the editor: "Believe in yourself, follow your dreams, and never, EVER give up =)." i would have much rather someone had just repeated those words over and over for three and a half minutes than listened to this song. DANNY ELFMAN?! fuck are you doing here, danny elfman? are you lost?

79) "Hey There Delilah," Plain White T's

There is nothing I could say about this song that would be worth saying.

82) "I Tried," Bone Thugs-N-Harmony ft./Akon

a'ight, see, now i feel better about bumping pink and jordan pruitt from the top 20, because it won't be some buttrock heroes what bumps 'em, it'll be a legit impressive, heartfelt song. i'm kinda surprised i don't remember this! now i just gotta contend with the fact most of both top 20s are gonna be dudes. but like most of these songs are dudes. this week is all dudes. next week is a 7:2 dude-to-lady ratio. last week was 2:1. maybe less dudes? idk, recency bias is doin' work, but at least two weeks from now, we're gonna get some dope tunes.

87) "Get Buck," Young Buck

HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING BEAT THE TUBA HAS NEVER HAD A BETTER DAY IN ITS LIFE. OK, this is the first 2007 track I think has been unjustifiably forgotten by time. “Say OK” hit me, but I think that was just a moment for me. This is objectively a classic, this fucking beat, man. Young Buck doesn't add a ton to the proceedings, but he doesn't ruin anything, his gruff, shouty flow is perfect for the beat, and I'll admit, I got a dark chuckle out of the "I can serve Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown" line. This was fuckin' rad, y'all, the best "new to me" song I've heard so far. Seriously this beat, how have we not found a better home for it, how did no one else latch onto it. A strong silver medalist in the "Southern rap songs with the word 'buck' in the title" category.

89) "A Woman's Love," Alan Jackson

Alan Jackson, last seen walking out on Beyonce's performance at the CMAs, is here singing a jaunty tune about how one time he fucked.

91) "Love Today," MIKA

i mean it's just a good song, man, i dunno. i'm allowed to just say when a song is solid and something i can jam to, right, when i don't think i have anything to justify? it's low-rent scissor sisters. I'LL TAKE THAT ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. solid week.

95) "Forever," Papa Roach

...oh goddamnit i love this song. No, you don't... Lemme explain. I need to explain, so lemme. So, I listened to a lot of the local buttrock station in my teens, because that's what the radio at the auto shop where I worked was always tuned to, was 93X. And, I dunno, there's a lot of bullshit I forgot and a lot of shit too horrible to purge from the mind, I've heard the acoustic version of Staind's "Outside" more times than any man ever should, but there were some songs where the Stockholm Syndrome hit, and you were like, "Well, maybe Chevelle isn't ALL bad." This was definitely the point where I was like, "Hey, this is the one decent Papa Roach song!" I was legit angry when I realized this was that song, I forgot I ever loved a Papa Roach song, I was 10000% sure this was a cover because there was no way I was going to go anywhere but IN on this song, but no, this is a song I shouted in the shower at least five times. I'm so disappointed in myself right now, but... But, yeah, this is, I can’t quite place where they cribbed the verses from but they cribbed well, the chorus is shouty and fake-deep like all the great buttrock songs, and I love that ending, the “one last kiss” thing over that bass line, without reservation. We have to be true to who we were, and who we are is never fully removed from who we were. I hate this. I hate having to admit this. THE ONE PAPA ROACH SONG I FUCK WITH, AND IT HAS TO BE PART OF THIS PROJECT. I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT A KENDRICK LAMAR SONG SOON, AND HERE I AM, FUCKING WITH A PAPA ROACH SONG, THROWING MY CRITICAL AUTHORITY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER.

97) "Breath," Breaking Benjamin

I have less reservations about loving a Breaking Benjamin song, though, because Breaking Benjamin wasn't fake-deep like Papa Roach. ("My feelings for you are forever." God, that's stupid. I love a very stupid thing.) No, Breaking Benjamin was legit dark, they were a buttrock band I knew was OK because my friend who ended up going to a semi-prestigious art high school of some renown was into them. Is it the same song as "The Diary of Jane?" Yeah, kinda, there's more than a little resemblance, "THE DIARY OF JANE" IS A LEGIT GREAT SONG AND BITING THAT SONG IS A SMART MOVE.

At least Papa Roach couldn’t crack the Top 20. 2007: gaining strength! 20) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 19) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 18) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 17) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 16) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 15) "I Tried," by Bone Thugs 'n Harmony (4.21.2007) 14) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 13) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 12) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 11) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.21.2007) 10) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 9) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 8) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 7) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 6) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 5) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.21.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007)

4.15.2017

22) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar

I mean, with the way I do this thing, everything that's been said about this song has been said, and I'm hella late to the party, trying to get another round of Pin the Tail on the Donkey started. "You didn't have fun without me, I'm about to have fun WITH you!" No Bob! we already played that game Bob!. "BLINDFOLD ME!" I think it's vitally important that Kendrick Lamar remind everyone that he's the best MC alive right now, because he is, and gosh, he just fucking raps for four minutes. Barely a hook, just Kendrick Lamar verses and flows for a solid four minutes, and I'm really curious how many rappers could sustain a song for four (mostly) uninterrupted minutes just on their own. Minimalist production, it's just your voice and your words. I'd put Danny Brown in that category, but it'd be a bleak-ass four minutes. I want to put Killer Mike in that category, but I have to think there's a reason he works best in a duo. I'd want to listen to what four minutes of undiulted Young Thug would sound like?, but more out of curiosity than belief in his ability. And I mean Kendrick's the only one in the popular consciousness who could do it, no fuckin’ question, there's no one in the mainstream rap world anywhere NEAR his level. (Kendrick Lamar is barely mainstream, of course, and that fact is a source of much consternation on this song, like there's no way the entire Kendrick album breaks the Hot 100 like the entire Drake album did, but he was in a Tay Tay song the one time and that's enough.) Just listening to Kendrick Lamar rap is one of the most thrilling songs I've heard for YAS 2017. Honestly, I'm ranking it too low in the Top 20, but only because I have to think better things are on their way and am wary of that recency bias wave.

49) "XO Tour Lif3," by Lil Uzi Vert

Congratulations on being the modern rap song which followed "The Heart Part 4!" You were always going to suffer in comparison, and while I regret that it happened to you, I hope you understand it had to happen to someone. I mean, this is a three-minute song, and at some point I got bored enough that I forgot I was supposed to be paying attention to come up with an observation and/or a joke and did other things. Not even shit I needed to take care of, I checked Facebook and thought about getting a glass of milk until he started saying all his friends are dead, like what?, oh okay I guess that's how this song ends then, OH FUCK well prolly not worth dipping back in if I got that distracted.

61) "Speak to a Girl," by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

So over the last four weeks, only three women have had tracks debut on the Hot 100. That's pretty cool. One of the three dudes who wrote this song, about what a girl REALLY wants from a man, was also a co-writer on Jason Derulo's "Wiggle," which is, I mean, I'm going off Wikipedia, I'm hopeful this is too awful to be true, but if it isn't, how does that dude sleep at night? What does that dude believe in? Who is his god, just, to what moral authority is our man Joe London holding himself accountable? Do Not Trust Joe London. Another of the songwriters worked with a band called Confederate Railroad. Country music is the coolest. I'm so proud to like this genre.

66) "Still Got Time," by ZAYN ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR

First of all, we need to take a minute to discuss the sheer disrespect for the concept of caps lock expressed by ZAYN and PARTYNEXTDOOR. This is a mumblecore pop song, and I must insist these dudes cease using all capital letters until they prove they're capable of expressing excitement. Other than that gripe, though, I dunno, I didn't have a bad time! I enjoyed it about as much as I did "Running Back" a few weeks ago, it didn't light this Tuesday evening on fire, but it was a chill groove, and I appreciated the B+ to which all involved contributed. Also, new favorite Wikipedia line: "Shane Lindstrom, professionally known as Murda Beatz." One, professionally known. Two, imagine ever asking someone to call you Murda. Gosh, what a stupid fucking stage name. (Stage name? Backstage name? Why do you need an alias bro you're a fucking producer, you don't get to have a fake name, the fuck makes you think you can have a fake name. Even Swizz Beatz rapped sometimes, what is your goddamned problem Murda Beatz.)

2017′s Top 20! I lowered “Run Up” again. I miss it dearly but I can’t pretend I liked it more than “Green Light.” 20) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (4.8) 19) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 16) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 15) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 14) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 13) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 12) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 11) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 10) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 9) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 8) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 7) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 4) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) how the fuck did “swalla” make it two weeks Also, I know there was a new Iggy Azalea song, and I’m just gonna say, if having to listen to 21 Drake songs was the price I paid to not have to hear 1 Iggy Azalea song, I will have been glad to have paid the toll. That is a reasonable trade, one I would never say no to. Boy I hope it doesn’t debut next week! Also: “iSpy” in the for-real top five! That’s so dope! I’m happy for that song!

Who won the week?

2007 had the stronger showing this week, and let’s be real, I think it’s out-paced 2017 at this point. 2007′s at the point where “Get It Shawty” is hanging on by a thread while “Grace Kelly” and “Outside Looking In” are outside looking in. 2017 needs to step its game up. We’re two weeks from “Umbrella.” Is that so much to ask, is for just one instant classic era-defining monster jam that shatters the world? Come on, 2017! 2007: 2 2017: 1