#programs with common sense
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#Wikipedia#logic#mccarthy#lisp#advicetaker#advice taker#programs with common sense#stanford#aristotle#godel
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They start young. Kids YouTube, Nick Junior, some on Disney, Nickelodeon, gaming, scroliosis, instant gratification, sexualization, grotesque becomes normal.
“It’s a slow fade.”
When you allow programming to raise your kid(s), your kid(s) get programmed.
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I don't know what it is, but every time I correct misinformation or provide evidence that a particular thing is possible, the response 90% of the time is, "they maybe meant [obscure statement here] instead." Then say that. Either say what you mean or take responsibility for being wrong and not understanding something. If you can't be responsible, then maybe you shouldn't be advertising the "resources" you created.
#starlit speaks#dissociative identity disorder#ramcoa#ramcoa survivor#programmed system#oea#oea survivor#misinformation in ramcoa spaces#misinformation#can yall please just use common sense#im tired of having to do the heavy lifting for you
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Been reading Murderbot (finally) and I'm sure I'm not the first to make this comparison but
programming is to constructs and bots as instincts are to biological life.
Like. Certain strings of code are vital to the bot/construct's intended function (/living thing's survival). Since they're so important, those codes would be "load-bearing" (/of evolutionary significance), meaning they could influence unrelated functions and contribute to behavioral patterns in unexpected ways. But, at the same time, those encoded skills/impulses/priorities can be satisfied through more than one outlet. They can also be overridden (/ignored) if circumstances allow.
ART, for instance, has a ridiculous amount of processing power, which means it needs a ridiculous amount of stimulation to keep it happy and engaged. So it's a good thing its intended function as a research and teaching vessel gives it stimulation aplenty! If ART wanted to seek out a different function, I can't think of anyone or thing that would be able to stop it. But then again, what other function would give it more stimulation than seeking/collecting/disseminating new knowledge, while also navigating through deep space to explore strange planets, while ALSO managing the physical and emotional wellbeing of a couple dozen adolescent humans, while ALSO-ALSO doing secret humanitarian aid?
By contrast, MB's intended function was to protect humans, and yes, it disliked its job. But the parts of its job that it disliked were 1: not being able to choose which humans it protects; 2: not being allowed to countermand or refuse humans' orders, even the ones likely to escalate a violent situation; and 3: nobody listening to its advice. When it hacks its governor module, it stays in its shitty job because it doesn't know what else it could do or where it could go or how it could get there. And after ASR, it only keeps protecting humans because "security" is a workable cover given its skillset . . . at first. But in the process, it realizes that without all those other factors at play, the impulse to save people from danger is only marginally annoying.
imo, MB doesn't keep protecting humans after AC because of some inescapable, predetermined state of eternal servitude or whatever. It does it for the same reason a herding dog that's never set foot on a farm still feels compelled to Gather Everyone Together.
Anyway what I'm saying here is that Murderbot is border collie coded and ART is a husky.
#ART ''I Need Constant Attention and Constant Enrichment And If You Deprive Me Of These Things I Will Create My Own Fun (/threat)''#MB *vibrating with suppressed nervous energy*just wants its charges to stay put*If One Of You Suggests Splitting Up Istg*#(in the same vein I would say Miki is most comparable to a gun dog—''Oh boy! Another wilderness adventure helping my bestie!'')#(and on a darker note the ComfortUnits prob have more in common with like. ''toy'' breeds.)#(both in the sense that they're designed to look pretty /nonthreatening to better serve as ''companions''...)#(...AND in the sense that they're widely disregarded & casually abused despite their surprising capacity for violence.)#anyway not saying the bots & constructs are literally doglike js their ''programming'' seems to parallel biological instincts in many ways#...and working breeds are an easy example bc most people know a dog's behavior depends as much on instincts as on its treatment.#point is programming does clearly influence bots'/constructs' actions but (imo) only to the extent that your instincts influence yours.
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tl;dr of the situation is: London Friend-Of-Friend was part of that ‘chaotic bisexual not-quite-polycule’, the one that keeps inter-dating but in a way where it’s all still monogamous? like theater or band kids, but with twenty and even pushing thirty something literature students. she got into a London school for her master’s, opened relationship with BF, then seemingly instantly hooked up with a professor at her uni. not HER professor, if it matters, but anyway despite now long-distance BF opening the relationship for her benefit she dumped him in like October.
NOW the school year is over, she’s halfway through her program, and surprise! the man in his late 30s hooking up with 21 year old students in his small academic program (even if not directly in his class) is the sort of man who will 1.) use ‘thinking out loud with me’ or ‘just a fresh set of eyes on this’ to get free editing/new ideas, 2.) ended up publishing that free work with zero mention of her, and 3.) now that he’s gotten that work done, she’s found out he’s been cheating and leaving her for a conventionally attractive, stable incomed woman his age.
not to sound hateful, but everyone told her this would happen. dare we even say karma? and she’s lucky both my morals and this site generally don’t approve of nonconsensual photo sharing, bc I wish you could see just how mid-to-downright-plain this professor guy is. THAT’S the man who’s had you acting this kind of fool for half a year?!
#grace.txt#I know it’s harsh and unkind#but… idk you leave your bf of almost 5 years against everyone’s advice/common sense#(for dating a man with power in your academic program btw not just for leaving her boyfriend)#let him shower you in affection. neg you about your looks and what you bring intellectually to the table. work for free for him.#while slagging off your ex bf who did nothing but give you what you wanted and ‘didn’t even fight for us’#AND your grown ass man boyfriend’s exes who you don’t even know but feel confident in calling crazy bitches#and now here you are. LOL. LMAO even.
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I ADORE UR ART SO MUCHHH!!! It's just so pleasing to look at!! So smooth!!! 💕💕
also was wondering what kind of brush(es) you use? ❤❤
AAAA TYSM🥺🥺 so for coloring i just use a basic inking brush to block out colors and then i use a round brush to cell shade on hair and clothing. for blush and skin i use a watercolor brush and rly blend into the skintone
#this probably made zero sense but ok :')#i don't use a very common drawing app so i was trying to think of the names for the brushes outside of my program#lotus’s asks
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forming one-sided beef with my sister's english teacher
#'he called this an essay somewhere in the assignment' YOU ARE WRITING A FABLE#THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO AN ESSAY#i asked how long it was supposed to be and she said the example he showed was five paragraphs but it got an F.#he didn't show a good example.#then she said it got an F because it was set in modern times. which while it may have gone against the assignment. is the STUPIDEST#reason to fail someone#like i didn't major in education but come on man. i could do a better job than that 😭#not that i would ever want to be a teacher bc that sounds absolutely awful but DUDE. where did you GO TO SCHOOL#sorry but after getting an english degree myself and seeing corey go through the education program#i literally don't understand how you can fail to think kids would need to know that a fable is not an essay#or why you wouldn't give them a good example. or an actual word count/page count limit.#like i thought these were all common sense but you should also have been TAUGHT THESE THINGS#hello grace here
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I am beyond sick and tired if being yelled at for absolutely NO GOOD REASON. So FREAKING WHAT if I have my headphones on while I am watching a movie on my damn laptop? If you have something to say to me, come into the room that I am in. Use polite methods to get my attention. Wait until I have paused the movie and removed my headphones. Then speak. But don't freaking YELL at me from another room, knowing that I have my headphones on, and then throw a freaking temper tantrum when I don't respond. Because guess what? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! And do NOT act with surprise or offense when I don't respond like an emotionless drone when you yell at me because YOU didn't use common sense.
#stop yelling at me#use common sense#i use headphones so you can watch your own stupid program without interference from mine! you're welcome!
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I have to summon up the will to do what is likely going to be 3 - 4 hours of new job training that is entirely unpaid
1 like = 1 prayer
#I got a job as an EA#(educational assistant)#and this is very exciting because this is a career move#this is me launching my career in education and opening a lot of doors for the future#but. ive done a very similar thing to what I have to do rn for the training#because I started doing volunteer coaching for kids basketball I had to complete some training which took about 3 hours#and there's a course from the same program for working in schools#and I have to do it now#and its soooooooooooooo boring#its all common sense and it is PAINFULLY boring#but its required#so pray for my sanity
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Ive wanted to learn 3D animation since 2020. Every few months since then I will download blender, immediately get frustrated to the point of tears and then delete it off my computer.
THIS IS THE LEAST INTUITIVE PROGRAM I HAVE EVER USED.
The SIMPLEST actions require ten "beginner tutorial" videos that all suck blenders cock silly ("oh its such a 'GREAT BEGINNER PROGRAM' with 'A FEW LEARNING CURVES'")
You wanna fucking change the size of the cube? Well first you need to press eight keys at once (russian keyboard), send a handwritten letter in crows blood, move battleship to D3, scrungle your splingo, changes settings to beebo, find a setting in the fucking LABYRINTH of windows, and now hold down ten more keys but oops! you forgot the order. TRY AGAIN.
AND EVERY 3D ANIMATION ARTIST SAYS THIS IS THE BEST BEGINNER PROGRAM. STOCKHOLM FUCKING SYNDROME I GUESS. ALTERNATIVES? NOPE!
I am not a person that struggles with difficult concepts. I love challenges. I do not love getting a splitting migraine from crying over this GODFORSAKEN SHITFACED LOUSY INCOHERENT NIGHTMARE PROGRAM.
HOLD DOWN THE SCROLL WHEEL+SHIFT TO PAN??? THANK YOU COCKSUCKER I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. I WILL HOLD YOUR FACE DOWN IN AN INDUSTRIAL PAPER SHREDDER.
#vent#tw vent#i am a person that teaches themselves.#all my instruments art second languages etc.#i rarely ever find myself wanting a teacher. they all move too slow.#“start with the basics”#i dont fucking care#learning digital art for the first time? okay ill do realism with 100+ layers#learning physics for the first time? okay ill get into advanced particle physics#etc#it works for me#i love the challenge#THIS????? THERES NOTHING INTUITIVE ABOUT THIS#i learn through intuition#if the program is designed by a braindead rabies paitent with more scrolling windows then common sense IM GONNA HATE IT#okay now im just crying#i want to learn this so bad#i keep trying#and failing#and feeling guilty for failing#cuz i coulda kept trying#but there comes a point when i hate something SO DEEPLY i dont even want to try#like why would i keep trying to successfully tear off my own asshole#3d animation#3d art#blender
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Sometimes I read an article and it's like "I'm so stupid I can barely understand this"
#something about insurance and lending in hurricane-prone places#I think this article is kind of saying that some of these areas should probably not be lived in anymore because they're too much of a risk#but real estate and insurance ventures keep rebuilding in these areas because the government is going to offset a lot of rebuilding costs#and there's a decent amount of. You know the worst off people are being pushed out and having to leave#and better off people have an easier time of getting access to government aid and programs#idk about some of that though#anyway this was a sort of adjacent article I ended up clicking on when looking at stuff about the hurricane and#you know severe weather events becoming more common#Just tragic how little warning there seemed to be for Helene. How quickly it formed and hit. Trying to make sense of it all#just weird to be reading things from an economical pov
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The “birther” clause - or what’s interpreted as the birther clause (14th amendment) - needs to be repealed.
Anyone born in the US, regardless of his/her parent’s citizenship status, is an automatic US citizen. That was accepted in 1868. Over 155 years later, our enemies are exploiting that rule.

*Born in the US to US citizens, yes.
**Born on a US military base to a US citizen(s), yes.
***Born in a US territory to US citizen(s), yes.
****Your parents are illegals and were illegals at the time of your birth, no.
*****Born in a foreign country and had your birth certificate forged, no.
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i’m really considering doing paid readings once i have more experience under my belt—the father keeps pestering me about a job once i move back from uni next summer and i just do not think i will be able to work a standard job with my health being the way it is
#my dad’s made improvements don’t get me wrong#like he advocates for me to not go into triggering environments#but there are times where common sense doesn’t quite get through to him#like if i can’t handle a family meal out at a restaurant#i certainly can’t work retail#get with the program bud
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A ceux qui pensent "on n'a jamais essayé": si si, on a essayé. Et ceux qui en sortent nous laissent assez invariablement les mêmes messages.
#Germany#Saarbrücken#2022-07#but in reality this post is for#France#right now#not translating because I want my enlightened compatriots to figure it out by themselves#apologies for the brief political intrusion#(not that this kind of statement was considered 'political' 15-20 years ago - it was more like common sense)#but I felt I would have more regret not speaking up briefly#normal programming will resume after another blast of the Manic Street Preachers#or tomorrow or Thursday#I'll be back with something nice I promise
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the power play (part one)
pairing hockeyplayer! rafe cameron x tutor! reader
rating mature 18+



summary rafe is your complete opposite. the only thing you have in common with the hockey player you tutor is that he’s also recently had his heart broken. in a last-ditch effort to make the people who hurt you regret it, you agree to pretend to date.
tags college au. fake dating. grumpy athlete/sunshine tutor. reader is bubbly, talkative, and passionate about literature. very slowburn. he falls first. alcohol use. suggestive moments, but no smut.
power play (noun)
an offensive tactic in a team sport; a deliberate attempt to manipulate someone.
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You hoped it wouldn’t feel the way it used to, but as you sit in the stands behind the home bench next to Lyla, it’s all the same.
You’re watching Beck zip across the ice with a painfully familiar sense of longing hammering into your chest. Falling for him always felt inevitable; you just didn’t expect that he wouldn’t be there to catch you.
When you and Lyla became friends in the ninth grade, you quickly grew close to her family, spending more time at their house than your own, tagging along to watch her twin brother’s hockey games.
The more you got to know Beck, the more you fell under his spell, charmed by his warmth, by every part of him that made him the most captivating person you’d ever met.
He stole your heart. Considering the way he treated you, you were sure you’d stolen his, too.
You spent most of last semester helping him with a class, even though you were in the same overwhelming throws of being a college freshman. Every study session in his dorm room drifted by with an undercurrent of certainty that he felt something, too.
It crushed you to realize that it’d all been in your head. A few weeks ago, you’d met him after his final exam, which he said he knew he nailed thanks to you.
You thought he was finally going to make the move that felt like it’d been hanging over you for years. But all he did was pull you into a side-hug and say, “You’re more of a friend to me than my own sister.”
Thinking about it still makes you cringe. You hate how weak you feel ruminating over this, trying to get over someone you were never even with.
It’s a Wednesday night two weeks into the spring semester, and you’re at the first home game you’ve been to in a while. Although you’ve always loved the loud, buzzing atmosphere of a hockey game, you’ve been staying far away from the campus arena and the man who hurt you.
You haven’t spoken to Beck. And he hasn’t reached out. What he did was an indirect rejection, his way of saying, It’s obvious that you like me and I need you to know once and for all that I don’t like you back.
Since then, every time your best friend has asked you to come to games or parties, you’ve told her you’ve been too busy, using your new position in a tutoring program as your excuse.
You prefer a distraction from Beck, and helping other students with a subject you’re passionate about has done the job.
But you can’t blow Lyla off forever, so now, you’re sitting with her in the stands among a small crowd of spectators.
The championship season begins in a month. Every seat will be full then. But you wish more people were around now. You welcome any noise to drown out your thoughts.
Everyone else cheers when Beck smashes the puck against the back of the net, securing the team’s first goal. You find it hard to join the celebration. Even though you’ve always thought of him as kind, you wonder if he could tell how much you liked him. If he consciously led you on.
For years, you’d watched him date other girls, hoping he’d finally realize you were the right one for him all along. You daydreamed far too much about him, imagining that he’d become your first boyfriend and take you on your first date and give you your first kiss.
The alarm blares to signal the end of the second period, pulling you out the haze you’ve fallen into a thousand times since that day in front of his exam room.
“You want to get some snacks?” Lyla asks.
“Sure,” you reply, doing your best impression of a girl with nothing weighing on her.
Once you walk up to the end of one of the arena’s concession stand lines, Lyla recognizes the people standing in front of you, greeting both girls with smiles and hugs.
Through introductions, you learn that Emma and Gabby are friends Lyla made at a party last semester. After some small talk as the line shuffles forward, Lyla points back to the rink.
“The seats next to us are empty if you want to sit with us,” she offers.
Emma and Gabby happily join you as you settle back in your seats soon after. You gaze ahead at the empty rink as they chat, the 3-1 score glaring above the ice in red neon numbers.
“No way the coach isn’t chewing them out right now,” Lyla says with a shake of her head.
“Why do you know on the team again?” Emma asks.
“My brother, Beck,” Lyla says. “You?”
Emma’s mouth twists into a tense smile.
“My ex,” she says, her voice lowering. “I wish he didn’t play, because I actually really love coming to these games.”
“Bad breakup?” you surmise.
“Brutal,” Gabby chimes in. You can tell by her expression that she’d supported her friend through the fallout.
“I just don’t want him to see me here and think it means something,” Emma sighs. “If he thinks that I want to get back together, it’ll be a disaster. We broke up a month ago and he’s still bothering me.”
You hardly know this girl, and you know her ex even less, but your reflex is to feel bad for him. You’re well acquainted with the pain that comes with caring about somebody who doesn’t want you.
“Oh, yeah,” Lyla remembers. “Rafe, right?”
Emma nods.
“Yikes.”
“Yeah,” Emma laughs.
The three girls share a knowing look, something unsaid passing through them.
You don’t know much about Rafe. On the rink, he’s a strong, aggressive defenseman, a sophomore who spends more time in the penalty box than any other player. You’ve seen him at a couple of parties, too, but never exchanged any words.
You don't understand the girls’ tense reactions to the mention of his name.
“What am I missing?” you half-whisper.
“You’d be missing nothing if you actually came to the parties I invite you to,” Lyla teases.
You can count on one hand how many parties you’ve been to since you started college. But it works for you. A party every few weeks is enough.
“I come when I can,” you reply, nudging her playfully. “Fill me in.”
“He’s a trainwreck,” Emma explains to you. “He has a million red flags that I ignored because I thought he was hot. Literally all we ever did was fight.”
“Yeah,” Lyla huffs, raising her brows. She looks at you. “Maybe it’s actually a good thing you don’t come to every party.”
You consider their words. They must have had a penchant for making a scene, shamelessly arguing in front of a crowd.
“I couldn’t take how mean and moody he was anymore. I dumped him and he won’t let it go.” Emma breathes a laugh. “It’s pathetic. He even called me crying the other night.”
Again, a confusing pang of sympathy for him hits you. It has to be your own heartbreak influencing you. You can’t imagine you’d normally feel bad for a guy described as having a million red flags.
“I’m sorry,” you say.
“I’m over it,” Emma says carelessly.
“He’s not,” Gabby murmurs.
The players storm out on the rink again moments later, blades slicing the ice. They’re all so fast and powerful, and knowing that Rafe, the most forceful one of the group, is going through a version of the pain you are is oddly comforting.
A couple of minutes in, he gets thrown into the penalty box for charging an opponent. He skates to the opposite side of the rink, Cameron stitched across the black polyester of his jersey.
He stares at the floor as he waits out his penalty, tense, still. You think that if someone who looks so big and strong can hurt just like you, maybe you’re not as weak as you think.
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Rafe swings open the library entrance door with a scowl, irritated as hell that he has to be here. It’s annoying that the athletic department gives this much of a shit about players’ grades. Rafe knows he’s one of the best on the hockey team. He wishes that were enough.
Freshman year was fine, but he barely made it through last semester. He just failed his first assignment in a half-term literature course that was supposed to be an easy A.
Coach wasn’t pleased, saying it could screw up his GPA and deem him ineligible to play. Rafe tried to convince him that he’d do better on the next one, but Coach set him up with a tutor, unwilling to hear him out.
He’s already hardwired into a constant state of anger. Life has always been a storm, and now more than ever, there's no refuge in sight.
He's dealing with a coach who has no hope in him, on top of a painful breakup, on top of a shitty loss last night, on top of the fact that now he’s being forced to talk to a stranger about some boring book.
He can’t catch a break.
He looks at the email on his phone again. Study Room 205. He eventually finds the open door and taps his knuckles on it to get your attention.
You lock eyes with the person you’ve been waiting on for the last ten minutes. You had no idea who was coming up to meet you – just that the athletic department set it up.
But you know him. Or of him, at least.
A second ago, you were thinking about how you’ll have to ask whoever you’re meeting to be on time for future sessions. Now, your mind is consumed by the harsh words you heard about him last night.
“Hi,” you say politely. “Are you here for Lit Arts?”
He nods tersely in confirmation, stepping in. He drops his bag onto one of the empty chairs surrounding the square desk in the middle of the small room. You introduce yourself and when he sits down diagonally opposite to you, he murmurs, “Rafe.”
Discomfort swirls in your stomach. You’d heard something so personal about him at the rink, gazed at him in the penalty box from a distance, feeling like he’s a kindred spirit, and now you have to pretend like none of it happened.
“You’re on the hockey team, right?” you ask.
He realizes he’s seen you before. He can’t figure out where.
“Yeah.”
“I was at the game last night. Tough loss.”
Rafe doesn’t say anything. The clock ticks rhythmically. You clear your throat, figuring it’s best to skip the small talk.
“I took this class last semester. I know exactly how the prof grades, so you’re lucky to have me in your corner.”
Rafe is many things right now. Lucky isn’t one of them.
“Do you have your laptop?” you ask.
He unzips his bag and pulls out his computer.
“You can go to the course portal,” you tell him. He lets out an exhale as he navigates to the webpage. You lean closer to make sure that the class is currently on the book you brought with you.
You pull out your copy of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, page edges littered with different colored sticky tabs.
“Did you get a chance to start the book?” you ask.
He shakes his head. He’s not hiding that he really doesn’t want to be here. Nonetheless, you’re determined to crack him.
“Do you have a copy of it?”
“No.”
You nod slowly, picking up that he planned to coast through the class, not even bothering to buy and read any of the books.
“Do you like reading?” you ask.
“Nah,” he says with a grimace, as if he’s offended you’d assume that.
“You might like some of the books on the syllabus. This class is a lot of fun.”
“Fun,” he echoes with a stare that makes him look like he wants to bolt out of the door he just came through.
“Don’t look at me like that,” you reply with a smile. “Your idea of fun is skating around and getting slammed into walls. I should be the one judging you.”
He gazes at you like you’re from another planet, blue eyes hard on you. It’s nothing short of amusing.
You pull his laptop closer, hovering the cursor over the ‘My Grades’ tab, and ask, “Do you mind if I check how you did on your last assignment?”
“I bombed it,” he says.
As you gaze at the screen, Rafe clues in on where he’s seen you before. With one of the team’s freshmen.
Varsity athletes who live on campus are lumped together in the same dormitory block, and he’s seen you hanging around with Beck, going in and out of his room.
He wouldn’t consider Beck a friend. He’s a teammate and at best, an acquaintance. The guy’s a kiss-ass to Coach, and does everything by the book, skipping most parties and never drinking.
It makes complete sense that a rule-follower like Beck would date a good girl like you. Who the fuck calls a class fun?
You click to see his failing grade percentage for the first assignment of the semester in bolded red.
“Did you get any feedback on where you went wrong?” you ask. You know he’s going to shake his head before he does it. He doesn’t seem to care at all. “You have a whole semester to get your grade up. Don’t worry.”
“I’m not,” he replies stiffly.
“Well… maybe you should worry a little bit,” you say lightheartedly. “I know your coach is serious about grades.”
Rafe figures you must have heard that from your boyfriend. Maybe Beck took this class, too. It’s popular among busy student athletes because it’s supposed to be an easy way to fulfill a humanities credit.
He could just convince Beck to give him copies of his assignments. He’d have to change stuff around, but at least he’d get out of tutoring.
“Did you help Beck with this class?” he asks.
You’re taken aback by the sudden reminder of him, brows knitting together, a shift in your breezy demeanor.
“You’re his girl, right?” he says, as if it’s obvious.
“No. We’re– we’re friends.” You chew on your bottom lip. Tutoring is supposed to be a distraction from Beck, not the topic of conversation. But your curiosity burns in you and there’s no chance of putting it out. “Did he talk about me or something?”
“No,” he says, a bit too harshly for your liking. “I just figured ‘cause you’re with him all the time.”
“Right,” you say. All the time. Like a lost puppy, no doubt. Embarrassment pricks at your skin. “I helped him with another class. We’re friends.”
Rafe cracks his first smirk since he walked into this stuffy little room. You said friends twice, both times with uncertainty.
“You sure?” he chides.
“What?” you say stiffly. “Yes. I am.”
You crack open the book.
“So, A Portrait is about a man named Stephen who navigates the idea of identity,” you say quickly, trying to shake off your nerves. “We should look at the discussion question.”
You shut the book abruptly, then turn your attention to the laptop.
“You need to write a 1,500-word reflection for each book,” you ramble. “You’ll do better if you find a personal connection to the text. Maybe we start there.”
Rafe watches the nervous way your eyes dart around the screen as you scroll. His joke threw you into a tense, awkward panic that he has no interest in being around.
“You can relax,” he says. “I don’t care if you like him.”
You don’t look at him. You thought you were relaxed.
“Well, I don’t.”
You scroll to the question, one word in particular striking you.
What role does Emma play in Stephen’s growth and how he defines himself?
Of course. As if you needed another reason for this to be even more awkward.
Seeing Rafe’s ex’s name makes what she’d told you about him echo through your head again. Despite his teasing, the sympathy you felt for him comes back tenfold.
You know things about him that you shouldn’t. You feel a responsibility to balance the scales, but the air is too tense, the unfamiliarity too uncomfortable.
“Did you take a look at the question?” you ask.
He shakes his head, still slouched back. At this point, his apathy is starting to get to you.
“Listen, I can tell you don’t want to be here, but could you please try to meet me in the middle?” you say.
Rafe’s lips pull into a firm line, but he relents and leans closer to look at the screen. His body goes cold when he sees her name. He’d rather not be reminded of the girl who broke his heart right now.
“Emma is Stephen’s love interest,” you begin, trying to act like you don’t know a thing about his past relationship. “He sees her as something she’s not.”
You leaf through the book, finding a note you’d written in the margin.
“She represents idealization,” you read. You look up at him again. “Stephen sees by the end that she’s just a normal person, not this perfect girl he thought she was for so many years.”
You open a blank document on his laptop.
“We can write up some notes to start us off,” you say. “This prof grades high when you relate to the text. He likes the sentimental stuff, so until you read the book, that’s what we’ll have to work on.”
You chew on your lip again, unsure if you should bring up what you heard in the stands. It feels unethical either way.
“It doesn’t have to be a person,” you say. “It could be a place or an experience. Have you ever thought something was great and then realized it wasn’t?”
Rafe’s stomach is in a knot. The thought of being tutored and having his hand held through a class was bad enough. Now he has to get into his feelings with you?
“I don’t know,” he says.
You look at the blinking cursor, your head cocked in thought.
“Maybe relating it to a person would be easier, then?” you ask.
Nothing can make this easier. Rafe rakes his hair back, gazing down at your hands stalled over his keyboard.
“I get that this is awkward,” you say. “But it doesn’t have to be anything super personal. You could even make something up if you want.”
He only purses his lips, eyes fixed on your hands, as if he hopes you’ll give in and just do his work for him.
You take a deep breath and interlace your fingers on the desk. You figure that if you’re a little vulnerable, he might be, too.
He’s unknowingly feeling the same pain you are and saying the truth out loud to someone who gets it might even be a relief. There’s a risk of it getting back to Beck, but something tells you Rafe’s not much of a gossiper anyway.
“To be honest, yes, I like Beck. I thought he felt the same, but he doesn’t. Between you and me, sometimes I think he took me for granted and led me on. I idealized a friendship and it ended up hurting me. If this were my assignment, I’d relate to the book with that.”
Rafe is thrown off by your sudden honesty. It’s actually refreshing, considering all the bullshit he’s been dealing with lately.
He looks at you wordlessly.
“It’s just an example,” you say with a soft chuckle. “I did well in this class because I found pieces of myself in every book. All you need to do is read the material, find something you can relate to, write a decent report, and you’ll get a good grade. Well, that and prepare for the midterm and the final.”
“This class was supposed to be easy,” he finally says under his breath.
“Can you let me know when you’re going to be done complaining?” you ask playfully, looking up at the clock. “It’s been five minutes and you’re still going.”
Rafe huffs an almost-laugh. He adjusts his posture again, pulling at the collar of his hoodie.
“You really don’t have to be specific,” you reassure him. You tap your fingers over the keyboard again, just light enough to not press any buttons. “If you can relate the character of Emma to someone, you don’t have to say their name.”
Your eyes stay glued to the screen, your shoulders stiff as you wait. You’re acting weird again. The way you said Emma’s name looked like it pained you.
And it dawns on him.
“Should’ve known she’d talk shit,” he realizes. “What’d she tell you?”
“What?” you say, meeting his gaze.
“What did Emma say about me?” Rafe drawls, his deep voice reverberating through you.
Your lips part, but words refuse to form. For a guy that doesn’t like to read, he’s very good at doing it to you.
Rafe leans forward and rests his elbows on the desk. You can now see what makes him so intimidating on the ice. Every edge of his face is sharp now, apathy replaced with intensity.
“Nothing,” you reply. “It’s not my business.”
How did he not clue in before? If you run in the hockey team’s social circle, of course you heard about their breakup.
Emma never cared to keep things private. And you’re so willing to share your own personal stuff because you know more about him than you’re letting on. Because you pity him.
“Come on,” he scoffs, frustrated.
“I met her at the rink last night. She just mentioned you used to date.”
He shrugs impatiently, a silent request that you keep talking. You sigh.
“She said she likes coming to games, but it’s hard to because her ex is on the team.” You grimace. There’s no way you’d actually tell him all of it, all of the insults she muttered. “It’s not worth repeating, but… basically, she told me she broke things off and you won’t move on.”
Rafe nods, lips twisting. The way she’s been ignoring his texts and his calls to try to fix things stung enough. Talking to strangers to embarrass him hurts on an entirely different level.
He didn’t know Emma could be this cruel. This is mortifying. He’s done trying to make things work with her. No matter how hard the loneliness is hitting him.
You slide the book across the desk towards him, desperate to move past the tension.
“You can start reading,” you say. “And you don’t have to buy any of the books. I’ll just lend you mine. I’ll get some notes down for you to work from and you can do the personal connection part on your own.”
You start to type and immediately wonder if he’ll drop the class. You’ve never had that happen with someone you tutored before, but you wouldn’t blame him.
It must feel crappy to hear from a girl you don’t even know that your ex is saying bad things about you. A girl that you have to see every Thursday afternoon for the next three months.
Rafe cracks open the book in the middle to fan through the pages, a weight sitting on his chest. The pages are worn, words underlined, notes scribbled in the margins.
“You put this through the washing machine or something?” he murmurs.
“I’ve read it a few times,” you say simply. You keep typing.
Emma said he’d called her crying. It’s hard to imagine the man sitting next to you crying. It’s weird knowing something about someone that they wouldn't want you to know.
Rafe’s already bored with the first sentence. It’s long and confusing and completely uninteresting. His eyes drift up, absorbing the way your face softly creases in concentration as you type.
Now that you’re not talking at a thousand words a second, he can actually take you in.
You’re the type of girl he’d approach at a party. There’s no doubt about that. But once you’d start yapping about reading like you just did, about finding pieces of yourself in a book, he’d find a way out of the conversation.
Playing hockey at the college level is demanding; he likes the other things in his life to be fun and easy. Keeping up with a girl like you and pretending he’s interested in whatever you’re rambling about would be neither.
As he studies you, he doesn’t get why Beck friendzoned you. You’re pretty. And you’re the same type of person as Beck: straight-edge and so cheerful it’s annoying.
Rafe is typically one to outright say what he’s thinking, but he has the restraint to keep the idea he just had to himself. He needs to sleep on it. He’s done some crazy shit since Emma broke his heart and he’d rather not add to the tally.
You notice him looking at you in your peripheral vision.
“You’re not thinking of dropping the class, are you?” you ask.
“No,” he says. His eyes stay on you for another beat, then find the words on the page again.
════════
You thought Rafe came to your first session in a bad mood. Compared to how you feel right now, he was peachy.
Lyla called you on your way to the library and mentioned in passing that her brother asked about you last night. She said Beck seemed like he missed you, all sympathetic when he asked, is she doing okay?
She’s oblivious to the real reason he brought it up. And it’s irritating. Because he doesn’t even ask you himself. Because he’s right. He knows that his passive rejection left a wound.
“You’re on time,” you say in surprise when Rafe saunters into the study room.
“You talk a lot,” he mumbles. “I’m not interested in a lecture after you told me not to be late.”
Despite your bad mood, you crack an amused smile. You’d ended last week’s session telling him that tardiness was not only disrespectful to you, but to his own academic success. He rolled his eyes, but he clearly listened.
Rafe settles in the same chair as last time, holding your copy of the book he was supposed to read.
“Did you read it?”
“Mostly.”
“What’d you think?” you say with hope.
“Boring.”
“Fair,” you say. You gesture for his laptop. “Let’s see how far you got on the report.”
Your brows drop in disappointment when you see how much he added to the file. It’s a bunch of pasted summaries and disorganized thoughts, taking up only half the page.
You eventually reach the end of your hour-long session and have him read over the assignment one last time before submitting it. You check the syllabus to confirm what the next book is, then shut his computer.
“Try to have more for us to work with next time,” you tell him. “And you should have the next book totally read by then, too, okay?”
You hand him your copy of Pride and Prejudice and push your seat back, ignoring his frustrated sigh.
“You talk to Beck lately?” he asks after a beat.
“What?” you say, face screwing up. You’re reminded all over again of what Lyla said. “No. Why?”
“You’re still pissed at him,” he says. He’s confident, coming to the conclusion himself instead of waiting for you to admit it.
“Why are you talking about this? We had a perfectly nice hour together,” you try to joke.
Rafe finally gives a voice to what’s been swirling in his mind since last week. He’s used to being mad, to feeling spiteful, but the way his ex broke his heart has never made him want revenge more. He wants to hurt her as badly as she hurt him. He wants to make her regret leaving him.
“We should get back at them,” he says.
“I’m sorry?” you say, your chin dipping as you stare at him.
“Hear me out,” he tells you. “We’re going to keep seeing Beck and Emma around, right? We could make it look like we’re better off without them. Make them jealous.”
You squint, waiting for the details. Rafe draws in a sharp inhale.
“She said I’m not over her, right? And you said he took you for granted. If they think we moved on, I bet at least one of ‘em will realize they fucked up.”
You consider it. Admittedly, making Beck think you’re perfectly fine – no, thriving – after his rejection is enticing.
“Okay, how do we get back at them exactly?” you ask.
Rafe scratches the back of his neck. It’s the first time he seems kind of nervous to you.
“We pretend we’re together,” he says.
“You and…” You look over your shoulder, because he must be talking to somebody else who snuck into the room at some point. “You and me? Together together?”
“I know. It wouldn’t ever happen.”
You can’t even be offended. He’s right. He’s a skilled hockey player and undeniably good-looking, but that’s where the compliments end.
Two afternoons of working together and making small talk have shown you that you have nothing in common. And frankly, while you do laugh off his bad attitude, it gets on your nerves.
A relationship would never work, let alone even begin.
“But they don’t know that,” he continues. “All they’ll see is that someone they lost is happy without them.”
Your mind starts racing. The years of pining over Beck, the pain of his rejection, the frustration over him asking his sister how you’re holding up. They’ve all left cracks in your heart.
The more Rafe thinks about rubbing his happiness into Emma’s face, even if it’s bullshit, the more he hopes you’ll be on board. But you’re not saying a word.
“If you’re not in, fine,” he sighs, pushing his chair back to start to leave. He should have figured you’d be too uptight to do it. “I’m just saying I bet you wouldn’t hate making Beck sweat.”
He stands up, but you hear yourself say, “Wait.”
Then you hold out your hand.
Rafe breathes an amused chuckle, flashing the first sincere smile you’ve seen on his face, when he realizes what you’re doing.
Your hand slips into his, touching for the first time to seal the deal and shake on it.
“This is insane,” you say. “Count me in.”
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after meaning to get around to it for years i finally listened to almost the entirety of Sold a Story and it is as groundbreaking as everyone says it is. it's also the most confusing, to me, single event in American culture in my lifetime and my reasons for thinking that are pretty complex so im not sure theyre fully formed yet. there's a list of shit in this podcast that made me feel like i was going insane
i KNEW something was going on at a population level, i've been noticing it for years, people kept telling me i was imagining things, but i was RIGHT, two generations of kids have been reduced to barely-literate levels of language function because of this shit and you CAN see it and hear it while talking to people in the world!
the entire adoption of the Calkins programs in the first place were based on the majority of people responsible for American child education deciding basically overnight that "children don't need to learn phonics in order to become strong readers" which is literally and not figuratively equivalent to saying "children can learn algebra without learning what numbers are". it is so self-evidently false i dont even know how to respond to such an assertion. you have to be fundamentally devoid of common sense to think this is true. language is comprised of sounds (phonemes), sounds are represented by letters, letters make up the alphabet, the alphabet makes up words, and words make up sentences. you cant just skip over the parts of this you dont like, it's the basis of our entire civilization. "i dont need to learn individual notes i just want to play to saxophone" okay well. too bad? you cant
american primary education apparently has no communication whatsoever with the scientific fields of human behaviorism, pediatrics, neurology, linguistics, the science of learning generally, and there is next to zero communication between teachers who are actively responsible for educating children and the entire research field of educating children. they just dont talk to each other, at least in huge swaths of the country. in retrospect this is obvious, i just have been assuming incorrectly this entire time that maybe, surely, some aspect of how our public schools are administered is in some way being guided by scientific evidence and research. this has apparently not been the case for 20+ years. Lucy Calkins herself claims she "didn't know" that the research on how children acquire language had been essentially settled by the 1990s, she just wrote her stupid book based on her own self-assurance that what she THOUGHT children were doing when they learned language was correct. she ddin't check, she didnt ask about research or studies, she didn't test her hypothesis, she just told everyone she had figured out how to teach kids to read based on nothing but her own untested assumptions. and everyone was like "okay sounds good". every single person involved in this process is or was in a position of responsibility for educating american children. and almost none of them thought to ask "okay, but have you tested it? does it work?" because they didn't test it, and it doesnt work, and for some reason that was never even brought up
teachers kept being interviewed on this podcast who kept saying things like: "they never taught us how to teach children to read" and "they didn't teach us how children learn so i had no idea how it worked" and then explaining this was why they were so easily hoodwinked by the Calkins program. i don't understand this. what is actually taught during the two year degree programs at teaching colleges? if it's not child psychology, pedagogy, neurology, and actual techniques for teaching children, what are they teaching you to do there? one of my friends who went to a teaching college told me they mostly provided classes on lesson planning.
individual teachers apparently are not reading books or articles or papers on any of these subjects either. so having graduated from a teaching college knowing nothing about children, teaching, or even basic english literacy ("i didn't know how to teach phonics and no one told me" is another thing actual teachers kept saying on the podcast. girl, SESAME STREET can teach basic english phonics, and it does), almost none of them actually do any investigation on their own. they just show up to their workplace (the school) and "teach" whatever admin hands them. ?????????????? how is this possible?
i realized last night in a fugue of post-exertional malaise that the three-cueing method of teaching reading is training children to approach language very similarly to how a large language model does it. they laboriously instruct the children to guess what the next word in a sentence will be, often by actually covering the word with a post-it note and then cajoling and badgering the child until he guesses the word under the post-it, based on the vibes on the sentence he's reading. this doesnt teach you to read, it teaches you to act like youre reading
this isnt directly addressed in the podcast but we used to just teach everyone english like it was an actual system that has parts and rules and structures, because that's what a language is. everyone would start with phonics and the alphabet, then later do stuff like sentence diagramming and grammar, neither of which have been taught in primary schools in decades. i think i was probably the very last generation of kids to get ANY of that stuff unless they went to an exceptional school, and it was only because my 8th grade teacher knew it was important and went against school admin's instructions in order to teach it. the couple days of sentence diagramming and grammar he gave us, out of SPITE, have been more useful to me in reading and writing than the entire rest of primary english education i received in public school, and i didn't even go to a school that had adopted three-cueing stuff yet.
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