#probably worse for me due to adhd

[amaretto-mp4]

This is me with my final year uni proj! I’m making really slow progress but I’m telling myself each step makes a difference regardless. The anxiety just mounts to insane levels the longer I leave it; though it feels relieving in the (very) short term.

Also with sns: taking a longer break from my main ig page initially left me with a lot of fomo; even seeing the unread notifs piling up now is just 💀 but overall I’m def mentally in a better place from taking this semi-hiatus of sorts, and just being active on my priv for the time being.

Also self care SUCKS most of the time. Like it’s not fun at all. It’s doing the stuff you don’t want to, like cleaning your room, submitting that form, going to the gym that first time, having that conversation you avoided or making that call. It’s doing stuff that lets you unwind and stop worrying, and most of the time, that involves confronting and overcoming something you really would rather avoid.

[fifteensjukebox]

i know im just having A Day but a conversation just ended w me feeling like i overstayed my welcome which made me feel like i simply shouldn't have bothered but i was asked to contribute !!

it's like. this was a spoken conversation but it's comparable to when u send one more text that's not actually adding anything to keep the conversation going and the person understandably doesn't reply

except my response felt necessary to me i can't just leave the conversation where it was left when the last thing said to me clarified something why shouldn't i have the opportunity to say "yeah i was going based on this incorrect information"

admittedly i am talking to one of the busiest people in existence at the moment (engineering student with midterms and a music career) but why does every conversation we have feel like this at the end

[whereserpentswalk]

Thinking about how well Worm handles disability, especially compared to most other things in its genre. The way lifelong injuries are treated as a normal part of being a cape. The fact that Taylor is blind for awhile and it's not treated as a tragedy, and how when it's healed by scapegoat it's not treated as some sort of redemptive miracle, but just a thing that happened. Defiant's wounds still being something that effects him even though he has tinker magitech. Kid Wind having adhd and being helped by meds but then having to go off them due to side effects. Taylor seeing paralysis as a fate worse then death being seen as a her thing and not an objective fact (and probably being from trauma during the leviathan fight). Genesis's disability being something the people around her care about a lot more then her. Labyrinth and Bitch both being basically neurodivergent from their powers (labyrinth being essentially high support needs, and Bitch being essentially low support needs) with both being able to live fulfilling lives with people who care about them (also that scene with someone trying to baby talk Bitch near the end really hit home for me).

Also, Dragon, despite not being literally disabled is a very good disability allegory. People who don't know she's a machine often think she's disabled. The way her father put so many constraints on her because he didn't trust her, because of what she was. The way so many human characters see her right to live as something up for debate. The way Saint calls Defiant's attraction to her a fetish because he can only comprehend someone loving her as being some strange abnormality. The fact that teacher thinks it's ok to put constrains on her basically because he physically can. Defiant and her being intimate by testing how well they can feel sensations. Even just the way Saint talks about her not being able to truly feel emotion, but saying she tricked herself into doing so, is reminiscent of how some people talk about people with Cluster B disorders. And beyond that, the fact that all of the people who dehumanize her are framed as unquestionably in the wrong. Hell, she had a trigger event so even the eldritch horrors affirm her personhood.

I realize the discussion of Dragon was longer then I planned. But yeah, worm has much better disability rep then anything else I've seen in the superhero genre (probably because it's written by a disabled author).

Also I'm pretty sure you have to be neurodivergent to read a 1,672,617 word long internet book about the sociopolitical ramifications of superpowers. /j

[arreat]

more Poolverine shit cause the hyperfixation is not fading

Logan has issues with abandonment and being alone, anyone who knows anything about his past could probably guess this. So when Wade W Wilson barrels into his life to drag the sad alcoholic out of his miserable world, invites him to live together, and gives him what is essentially a new lease on life, it’s a little bit of an understatement to say Logan got a little attached to Wade.

Now this would all be fine and dandy if Logan didn’t have a shitload of trauma and all, but hey I wouldn’t be writing this if things went smoothly would I?

While with Wade, Logan has gotten irreversibly attached to him. The banter, the domesticity, and the feeling of being accepted by someone is something Logan hadn’t felt in a while. He can’t ever get fully drunk due to his dealing factor, but god, Wade’s kindness and adoration makes him feel like he’s pretty fucking close. But as the two spend more time together, Logan is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to do something that will disappoint Wade and damage their relationship. What if Wade kicks him out, or even worse, slowly realize the Wolverine isn’t actually worth helping? Logan can’t help but think that one day Wade will stop being impressed by him since he’s no longer useful, just a sad, washed-up, alcoholic tool that’s only occasionally handy for timeline saving.

So, Logan makes himself useful. Cooking for the two, cleaning the living space, trying to find a job to cover rent, taking care of the dog, Logan does it all in a desperate attempt to stay in his perception of Wade’s good graces. Wade certainly doesn’t complain about it, offering to help on occasions but being refused by a grumpy Wolverine.

What brings the status quo all crashing down one day is a simple comment from Wade before they’re about to head to bed,

“Hey peanut, you consider ever moving out?” Of course to Wade, it was just a harmless question, giving Logan an out in case he preferred living without a chatty ADHD cancer tumor and a blind woman in a cramped area. So when Logan suddenly tenses aggressively as his breaths become more laboured, Wade is confused. Suddenly, all of the possible things Logan has done “wrong” flashed through his head. Was it because he accidentally stabbed Wade while sleeping? Was he too harsh on the merc, telling him to shut up? Did he snore too loud, or did Wade just get sick of the close proximity? For all the joking Wade did, Logan couldn’t get a proper read on what he actually meant. The Wolverine slowly stood up and faced Wade, voice barely audible and breathing harshly.

“Wade. Are you telling me to move out?”

“You doing ok there peanut? Feel your water break or something?” Wade joked weakly, surprised by the sudden change in Logan’s demeanour, failing to lighten the mood. In fact , the deflection made Logan’s expression even worse, as he thought Wade was just being nice and not explicitly stating he wanted him out of here. At this moment, Logan realizes he is not above begging to stay with the merc. He can’t bear to look at Wade as he stammers,

“Please don’t make me leave, I promise I’ll be useful to you, tell me what you need me to be. Please.” Logan rasped, slowly staggering towards the merc, hands desperately grabbing at Wade’s arms. The merc tries to speak, but gets interrupted.

“I can be useful Wade, you need help taking hits? Is it something physical you want with me? You’re always joking about my abs and “tits” and shit, you want that?” Logan pleads in an increasingly maniacal tone. Wade, horrified at Logan’s statement interrupts.

“No what- what are you taking about? I’m not forcing you to move out, Logan, it was just a suggestion!”

Logan still can’t bring himself to face Wade, suddenly ashamed at his words. He attempts to turn and leave, but is stopped by Wade as the merc continues.

“Pookie look at me, yes I know difficult task, but I need you to know I’m being serious when I say you don’t owe me anything.” Wade says.

“I don’t know what perception you have of me, but I would never coerce you to do something that you weren’t into because you felt the need to repay me for god knows what reasons. Consent is mandatory AND very sexy. In fact, I’m very happy to have you living with me, I just asked to make sure YOU wanted to live with ME.”

Wade rambles on while reassuring Logan, but at this point poor wolvie is overwhelmed with the idea that Wade actually wants him here? It’s a novel concept that someone would want Logan just for being Logan. It was never about who he was as a person, only the role he could fill. Bad guy, good guy, the Wolverine, a weapon, all his life he tried to live up to labels and expectations, thrown away if he didn’t meet them. He always needed to impress, to be useful to get people to stay.

Tears gently rolled down his face as Wade brushed them away softly, guiding the two to bed. “Shhh it’s alright honey badger, we can talk more about this in the morning. You’re tired, let’s get you to bed first” the merc whispers as he walks.

The two eventually go to bed, Logan falling asleep tucked against Wade while listening to his heartbeat Both had their arms wrapped tight around each other, Logan finally feeling safe in someone’s embrace for once.

(They then had a healthy conversation about stuff and yeah this post is getting too long and the author doesn’t want to write more dialogue rn 👍)

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for debating hiring outside help for my husband and I's house because we can't keep up alone?

For context: My (26 Fae ftm) husband (28M) live very happy and healthily together. While I'm unable to medically transition due to a bunch of reasons we'll get to, he has been nothing but a solid rock in my life and the one person that has always been on my side. Through dragging me out of an abusive household to helping me with my chronic illness, he's been an absolute angel despite dressing like the devil himself (he's goth). So I don't want any hate on him.

He is ADHD and I'm Autistic. Yes, hello, we are that couple~♡ This does cause us some issues tho as he is unmedicated and I'm just struggling in general with sensory issues for certain chores. So far we keep each other some what afloat, having him do chores that my sensory issues can't handle and my doing ones he can't focus through.

However, as previously mentioned I'm chronically ill. I won't get into many details but it's basically I'm internally bleeding at random intervals. And before people think I'm talking about just my period, no it's so bad that I have once had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion due to this internal bleeding and had times when I was bleeding for over 4 months straight.

My husband and I because of this condition are pretty much struggling financially. I can work but it makes me extremely fatigued since I'm essentially working with constant Anemia. It gets bad enough some days that he can't wake me up without over an hour of effort, even after I've slept 10hrs. The fatigue is REALLY bad. He works just as much as I do, sometimes more because his work is so shortstaffed and he likes to pick up extra shifts to try and save up for the surgery that would hopefully fix everything.

This has culminated though in us both being extremely exhausted near 24/7 for the last year-ish but we have finally hit a break. I recently got a huge pay increase (nearly $200 a week increase) so we are hopeful for the first time in months. We're starting to pay down my extreme medical debt and being able to just go get dinner when he doesn't want to cook.

Here's where I may be kind of TA... Despite this hope, my condition recently did get worse. I've now gone another 3 months still bleeding and having to suffer my Anemia symptoms and medication. This has caused me to fall massively behind on what should be my chores, and while my husband doesn't begrudge me it, it has caused our home to start becoming very, very unhygienic. As someone who grew up with a clean freak mother, it kinda upsets me. He's focusing more and more on me and less on the house so even his chores are falling behind too.

None of that is his fault. He loves me so much he wants to help Me first but it has gotten to where we are both going "we really need to clean the house..." but neither of us have enough battery to do so. Me becuz of my condition and he becuz he's stuck caring for me.

We have enough that we might be able to afford to hire a cleaning service to help us out, but it would cost us some of the freedom and paying down medical bills. I think it'd only be a temporary thing, once I recover from my current episode, we can probably get better... but I don't know how long it will be.

On top of this I'm worried paying for this service will further put off my surgery as we struggle to save up for it again... We've already had to tap into that savings cuz my current episode lost me 2 days at work.

Is it unfair for me to ask to use our new extra money for essentially my not wanting to have to bother doing basic chores? I know I'm tired but I've lived with it so long I could and should probably just push through.

What are these acronyms?

[lily-janus]

Being Needed

Order up for @kieraelieson for the Sleepy Bean Fanfic Cafe' event on @tsspromptmonth who wanted, Canonverse Logan/Virgil. A soft hurt/comfort sick fic. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: Logan helps Virgil and Thomas... and maybe himself too

Characters: Logan, Virgil and Thomas

Relationships: platonic Analogical

Word count: 902

Trigger warnings: anxiety attack, low self esteem, sickness, food mention, let me know if I missed anything!

"Thomas? Are you listening?” Logan tried his best to keep his voice its usual neutral tone, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.

Due to Thomas’ ADHD, Logan got used to him spacing out at times during their scheduling conversations. Today it seems to happen more frequently, though, so much so that Logan doubts he even listened from the beginning.

…Thomas still didn’t respond to his question, and when Logan looked at him closely he noticed that his eyes seemed unfocused. He raised his hand in front of Thomas’ face and snapped his fingers in hopes of shaking him back to reality.

It seemed to work as Thomas flinched and finally looked at Logan with a new focus. Frowning, Logan asked, “are you well, Thomas? Should I check on the others?”

“I ah…” Thomas struggled to speak, his breathing heavy for some reason, his forehead sweating a little, it almost looked like…

“Thomas, are you having an anxiety attack? I remember you researching signs of silent anxiety attacks, you seem to be showing most of those symptoms.” Logan said urgently, becoming more and more worried.

Thomas gripped his chest, right above his heart, and simply nodded “check… Virgil…” Thomas managed to say between labored breaths, closing his eyes and feeling the wall next to him with his hand, trying to ground himself.

As much as Logan didn’t want to leave Thomas like this, he knew he was right, Virgil was probably the core of this problem so the best way to help Thomas at the moment is to help Virgil.

Nodding, Logan sank down and sank up in the mindscape, heading straight to Virgil’s room and knocking on his door, loud enough to be heard but, hopefully, not too loud that it’ll startle him.

“Come in…” he heard a weak, hoarse voice calling from the inside, making his worries increase.

He closed the door behind him as he went in towards Virgil’s bed, seeing him crawled out in a ball on it, whimpering quietly.

“Virgil? What’s wrong?” He asked softly as he bent near the bed.

“I don’t know!” Virgil wailed, gripping his spider plushy tighter, “I just woke up today and… everything hurts Logan… I think I might be sick” he let out a cough as if to emphasize his statement.

“May I check your temperature?" He asked calmly, knowing how Virgil feels about physical touch at times.

Virgil nodded weakly and Logan gently placed his hand on his sweaty forehead. “As I suspected, your temperature is definitely higher than is recommended. You are indeed sick, which would explain Thomas’ state.”

Virgil turned to his side to look at Logan at that statement, “am I… hurting him again?” His voice is so weak and he sounds close to tears.

Logan shook his head, “no Virgil, anxiety would always be a struggle, that is something that no one, especially not you, can control. It would make sense that the worse you feel the stronger Thomas’ anxiety becomes, but that is something you can’t help. Best you can do is give yourself time to heal.”

Virgil still looked guilty but he nodded, “I’ll just rest today then… I don’t wanna bother you or the others, this’ll-” he sneezed, “pass” he finished.

Logan shook his head, reaching for a tissue box next to Virgil’s bed and handing him one. “It’ll pass quicker with help.” He pointed out, “and I would hope that, by now, you know that your needs, or anyone else’s, are not a bother.”

Virgil didn’t respond, simply blew his nose and threw the tissue in the bin beside his bed. But he didn’t object to Logan helping either.

Logan got up, “I’m going to make you breakfast and tea as I’m assuming you haven’t eaten today yet.”

Virgil shook his head, “just tea… not hungry.”

“Hungry or not, your body needs energy in order to heal properly, I’ll return shortly.”

Virgil grumbled but didn't protest farther, so Logan left to do as he said.

As the food was cooking, Logan sank up to check on Thomas, finding him on the couch, doom scrolling on his phone.

“Thomas?” He asked gently, though the question still startled Thomas as he jumped, almost dropping his phone.

“Oh… Logan… How's Virgil?” He asked when he calmed down a little.

“He appeared to be sick, I’m helping him recover, distraction is not a bad coping mechanism but please do try some grounding and breathing exercises as well.” He was about to sink back to the mindscape when Thomas grabbed his arm.

“Thank you…” he smiled weakly at him.

“Oh um… of course, Thomas, it’s my job to make sure you are functioning properly.” Logan quickly recovered from his intial surprise.

“I know, I appreciate that.” Thomas squeezed Logan’s arm with another smile, looking relieved, then let go and closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly.

As Logan rose back up in the mindscape and finished preparing Virgil’s food and tea, he felt an unfamiliar warmth spread through his chest.

That same warmth increased when Virgil thanked him for the food and… for being there for him, shaking his head fondly after Logan pointed out it was part of his job.

It felt… good to be needed again, he didn’t realize just how much he missed that feeling. As he watched Virgil eat, he allowed himself a tiny, genuine, smile. He can still be useful after all…

[tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors]

im such a big fan of the linda public school vs homeschool debate i think its a really interesting conflict, because obviously roman was homeschooled and it wasnt really beneficial towards him (which virgil could probably sympathise with regarding all of his mortal friends being terrified of him briefly), BUT also trying to tell logan or even patton that public school is the best option for their fae child is so obviously gonna be a problem, and then even when roman saw how logan was treated he didnt see how young it started and how much it was ingrained in him that he was wrong, and virgil didnt really see any of the worst of it so trying to commicate why its such a concerning idea is going to require bringing up some unpleasant things. but ALSO linda is not logan ((is it fair projecting his experiences onto linda or by trying to protect her are they gonna cause a complex anyway where she internalises being fae is wrong?)) or roman or patton or virgil and either choice could be uniquely beneficial or damaging just based on how she responds to her environment, which is impossible to actually determine without some trial and error, and id bet good money they dont want to risk the "error" part at all

just a very cool and interesting debate i feel, i enjoy how everyone has so many reasons to be so emotionally invested

thank you so much, you get exactly the vibe i was going for. the dichotomy of roman and virgil who were so so lonely as children due to isolation, versus logan and patton who were so hurt because of bullying, putting them in two very different camps as to what's best for their kid, makes it SUCH a hard conversation to have. they pretty much start having it the moment she's born and it continues for the next two years, and its the closest to genuinely angry they ever really get with each other. because theyre all really stubborn, but they rarely disagree on something this important so vehemently.

compounded by the fact that they dont yet know if she's going to age more like a fae or a human, and that being a visibly-6yo in middle school would theoretically make that issue exponentially worse

tentatively, im thinking that she will be homeschooled until she goes to college, and also that thats kind of one of the reasons why she doesnt do as well as she hoped. she had structure (in a house full of autistic people, you bet she had structure) but also a lot of freedom over dictating that structure, and the freedom to deviate from it when she needed to (in house full of ADHD people, you bet she was allowed to go run around in the yard whenever she needed a break).

so in college the combination of 1. less structure in the sense that she has less support network and people to hold her accountable and 2. less freedom in the sense that you can leave whenever you want in college, but the class doesnt stop and wait for you to come back, means she doesnt have the skills to make it really work for herself, especially compounded with the fact that she's emotionally much less mature than her peers

and that fucking sucks, for her and for LAMP. because you can debate for years, and you can do your best, and you can do everything right, and your kid might still wind up with baggage because of something you did. something you did and believed in your heart of hearts was the best thing for them.

the world is big and full of sharp things and you cant actually wrap your kid in bubble wrap. the bubble wrap is also full of sharp things, in this metaphor that immediately ran away from me.

all you can do is just keep stocked in bandaids, and hold their hand while you put it on.

[noirandchocolate]

I haven't been following for long so I know jack shit about your Kohga but! I'll gladly ask things because I love comparing headcanons and getting to know people's visions on characters (especially kohga I love him)

Biggest things first that I'm always curious about - his age! Is he immortal for some reason, if not what's his relationship with his family? Is he the same guy in botw and aoc??? (I know they're two different timelines but like. ykwim)

Who taught him his magic?

Does he know about the monks in the shrines?

Why even worship Ganon? Does he believe that he'll be left alive when the world is destroyed, or is he so consumed by revenge/indoctrination he wants to see it destroyed, no matter if it's him along with it?

Does he have free time for hobbies? If so, what does he like to do?

Does he have a favourite animal/creature? Why?

How did he survive the fall into the Depths? Did he survive the rocket, too?

Did he dye his hair?

You mentioned embarrassing childhood/teenager stories. PLEASE give those I'm so invested in this guy's humanity (lowkey feel like it's almost required for every single yiga member to cartoonishly slip on a banana peel at least once)

Did he have any childhood friends? Who are the people he holds closest nowadays? (Excluding Sooga)

Speaking of Sooga though, what's his most treasured memory about him? What's been the most memorable gift given, the most impactful moment shared?

How does Kohga celebrate his own birthday? Separate from the clan? Or is the clan's adoration enough?

Why does he live in the desert actually like why is the yiga clan there

Has he ever been on the brink of death outside of any canon events? What happened?

Any interesting scar stories?

What's a memory he'd rather forget?

What's a memory he'd rather forget not because it was traumatic but because he just feels embarrassed about it?

And the opposite - what's a memory he would permanently engrave in his brain if he could?

Anything he's personally done that is genuinely very fucked up and morally wrong? I imagine he's killed on more than several occasions but is there anything worse?

Weirdest/most interesting rule he's made in the yiga clan? And what's the story behind it?

Has he ever modified existing rules? If so, why?

How much does he leave the hideout? What makes him go outside?

If he was anything other than a cult leader, if he just lived in some random village as a regular guy, what would he want his job to be?

I want to ask so much more but my brain is erroring, might come back to your askbox if I manage to untangle my thoughts (and if I don't forget due to adhd)

Wowww awesome you sent me a whole banana bunch's worth! I think I'll break up my answers across multiple posts and save some for another time if you don't mind because a lot of these are REALLY good and I want to do them justice! <3 (Seriously thank you for your curiosity! I want to write a lot!)

My particular Master Kohga is AoC-timeline exclusively. He's just turned 52 years old today and is not currently immortal! I do think that in the BotW timeline, Master Kohga was alive at the time of the Calamity and I think it's still the same dude wanting to kill Link 100 years later. My personal headcanon is that BotW Kohga was a regular-aged, non-immortal dude at the time of the Calamity and then figured out de-aging or age-freezing within that intervening 100 years. MY Kohga, in AoC timeline, who only just lived through the Calamity, hasn't done that (yet?). He's in his prime! His Foxy Fifties! He's doin' just fiiiiine!

Kohga learned a lot of his most powerful magical techniques from his Nana, while he was a child! And he got basic stuff that all Yiga learn (teleportation, seeing through a wooden mask, illusions/disguise) in part from her, in part from his father, and in part from the Clan's teachers. He's also come up with a bunch of stuff himself!

Oh Kohga and the Clan know plenty about the Sheikah monks. They probably have more ancient records than the Kakariko Sheikah do, since they're descended from those among the Ancient Sheikah who didn't abandon their tech, weapons, and lots of their heritage. Actually, I may eventually be writing fanfic about Kohga getting to speak with a monk, to whom he has a particular connection he wasn't aware of... But for now, I'll say the Yiga know that their original Master Kohga, 10,000 years ago, was the grandson of Monk Mogg Latan on Satori Mountain!

On the subject of worshipping Ganon, this is a very ymmv topic and I don't mind other people's headcanons, but my headcanon is that the Yiga don't worship Ganon or the Calamity! It's not a religion, and there's no indoctrination per se. The Yiga grow up learning their history and the Clan's goals, sure, but there's no like. Brainwashing involved, in my hcs. (Any more so than one would say the Kakariko Sheikah and Hylians are 'brainwashed' to fear and dislike the Yiga.) Personally I think their hatred is only fair, given the persecution of their ancestors. Anyway, it's not worship, for Kohga, it's respect. Why respect the Calamity? Because it's akin to a force of nature, capable of sweeping clean the unjust slate. The Yiga have wanted the justice of revenge for their fallen kin and the betrayal of their ancestors' loyalty for 10,000 years. Kohga, the latest in a line of Masters Kohga before him, had no reason to question that an entity embodying hatred for the Royal Family would be able to achieve that revenge. And yes. He thought the Clan would be special. That he would be special. That after all that time, he was going to be the Master who actually assisted the Calamity. He thought they'd be spared. He was wrong. He has to live with that. It's...hard. He struggles sometimes. But...he has to live with it.

Hobbies include!! Playing and composing for the shamisen! Renku-style poetry circles at parties! Messing around with ancient tech! Disguising himself to go to Gerudo Town and be a cute menace! And of course. Napping. <3

Kohga doesn't really have a favorite animal and if you asked him this question he'd say 'boar' without thinking too hard and then be like 'Oh. You don't mean to eat.' He likes various animals--he thinks bright little birds are fun to watch, he's getting along well with the Clan's new dogs, he has a Yiga's common penchant for frogs, and foxes make him think of his mama--but there's no critter that he points to and thinks 'that's my best guy' about.

Hair dye, huh? You see my Yiga are very strict about who can see their real appearance (I'll just link to a post explaining instead of doing it again). But! One small thing. That I will tell you. Because Kohga isn't really secretive about this. Is that his hair isn't dyed. It is beautiful inky black coils naturally~~ <3 <3 <3 He takes incredibly good care of it.

Gonna skip a few here 'cause I want to do longer answers for them when I have more time.

BIRTHDAY TIME!! A Master's birthday is a Clan-wide celebration! It's not as formal of a thing as Ascension Day, of course, but everybody who's home at the Karusa Complex on the day is treated to a BIG meal and the Clan's usual-style party out by the chasm (season permitting). Kohga loves his birthdaaaay because unlike with Ascension Day where the celebration is just as much about the office of Master as it is about him as an individual, his BIRTHDAY is HIS day ALONE. He gets tons of presents (many of them bananas and art projects from children). Everybody pays even more attention to him than usual (which is saying something)! He gets all his favorite food at dinner! And he just loves a good party no matter what it's for. This year is his first birthday as a married man, too, so he's having extraspecial fun with Sooga, too. Many kisses and such, ehehe.

The Clan's in the desert because Karusa Valley is naturally protected and was the best place the fleeing, persecuted Sheikah who would become the Yiga could find to shelter themselves from pursuing Hylians. With punishing, trackless desert to the south and the brutal, sheer cliffs of the Highlands to the north, it was a perfect hideaway 10,000 years ago, especially after gates with magical/tech wards were built to hide the Valley's southern entrance. (Kakariko Village wasn't the only 'hidden settlement of the Sheikah' following the genocide.) Finding an even more ancient Gerudo site to start with was pure serendipity, but the Clan has in the millennia since excavated more and more of the Highlands' insides to link up caves and build their own, creating a Complex that's highly defensible and quite cozy if one doesn't mind a complete lack of windows in one's home...

Kohga's never been actually injured so badly that he almost died, but one accidental near-death experience he had as a young man was something he now laughs about with hindsight. When Kohga was about...I want to say 21, 22? He and another Footsoldier were assigned by Daddy Kohga to go scout out a group of Hylians on Koukot Plateau, above Gerudo Canyon. Reports had been made that this group seemed to be amassing lumber there, and Kohga's father wanted to know what they were doing. So Kohga and his buddy, disguised as burly Hylian dudes to fit in, stole a pack donkey from some Gerudo merchant and wandered into these guys' camp. They found out what was going on, that the group was going to build a temporary camp there while doing some stone-quarrying, but would be leaving after a couple seasons. But that's not what's important. What's important is that while getting this info, as well as personal info on and descriptions of everyone present like a good little spy should do, Kohga also got actually drunk with them instead of just pretending to be, and uh... One thing led to another with a bunch of escalating macho tests of strength and physical dares, and Kohga literally fell into the Canyon. And was drunk enough that. He momentarily forgot he can float and teleport. And he broke his leg pretty bad hitting an outcropping on the way down before realizing. And letting himself land softer on the ground. This scared the CRAP out of the Hylian stonemasons--because Kohga literally should have been dead and somehow wasn't--AND Kohga's partner--because oh sweet stars and ancestors above that was the Heir, the Heir just FELL OFF A CLIFF. Luckily the dudes were also drunk enough that Kohga's buddy convinced them they should just like, forget about it, don't tell anybody or they might get in trouble, and he'd just, go down via this nice scaffolding here and get his friend onto the donkey and uhhh, they'd go home... And Kohga was a huge baby about recovering with his stupid broken leg after his goofy shenanigans, and now he tells this story like it's the funniest damn thing ever.

With that I have run out of time to answer things for today but! Thank you sooooo so much for asking so many and I will answer more of them another time, promise!!

[starrybouquet]

GET TO KNOW YOUR MUTUALS ✨

Thanks for the tag @sluttyhenley!

what's the origin of your blog title?

it was a richard dean anderson quote forever, but i just changed it! i am fully in the jag brainrot phase, so now it's a quote from mac about the baby deal. (yes, they canonically made a platonic baby deal. it makes me insane)

otp(s) + shipname(s):

in order of acquisition:

janeway/chakotay aka JC from star trek voyager

sam/jack aka SJ from stargate sg1

harm/mac aka HM aka "harm and mac" from jag

i generally hate portmanteau names, ESPECIALLY for ships that predate the overwhelming use of portmanteaus. use initials or "ab" or "a x b" as god intended, for fuck's sake

favorite color:

blue!

song stuck in your head:

rich girl by gwen stefani. yes, yes, i know, i don't know why i'm like this either

weirdest habit/trait:

why don't you ask me about my normalest habit/trait

hobbies:

fandom-ing (writing, giffing, editing, hopefully fanbinding soon), sports-watching, uhhhhhhh. sleeping?

if you work, what's your profession?

academia

if you could have any job you wish, what would it be?

starship designer at utopia planitia

something you're good at:

i'm great at math

something you hate:

morality police, most teenagers

something you collect:

sports memorabilia

something you forget:

what don't i forget

what's your love language:

laughter, yes-and-ing

favorite movie/show:

favorite movie: star wars iv or top gun maverick

for tv: all time favorite is probably star trek tng but right now spiritually it is JAG, my beloved insane show

favorite food:

uhhhh what? um, junk food. potato chips. any chips. ice cream. chocolate. dessert. i dunno.

favorite animal:

turtles

what were you like as a child:

very obviously neurodivergent and also would not shut up. like, ever. i really haven't changed very much.

favorite subject at school:

depends on the grade tbh

least favorite subject:

PE. i was never athletic and as i went thru puberty and gained weight it got worse

what's your best character trait?

i care, sometimes too much, and if something needs to be done i'll do it.

what's your worst character trait?

hubris.

if you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be?

i'd like an easy way to fix my eating habits and lose some weight. my adhd has been really bad lately and anything more than literally popping smth in the microwave/toaster oven has felt like too much effort, but i also desperately need to get healthier due to various health issues that have cropped up. sometimes adhd sucks.

if you could travel in time, who would you like to meet?

oh i can't answer this bc that would absolutely doxx me, but if we're friends feel free to ask me in dms/on discord

tagging: @odakota-rose @sententiousandbellicose @curator-on-ao3 @lannisterdaddyissues @doodledraw @ladywaffles @geneeste @tommyjop @assignmentimprobable and anyone else who wants to play!

[archivalofsins]

🏳️‍🌈

💎

media hyperfixation ask game!

🏳‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

Ah, I'm kind of boring when it comes to headcanoning. I tend to leave it to fanfics. Oh though with Mikoto I do to an extent headcanon him as Ainu or have speculated it a bit in private before. Simply because I think it would be interesting.

I headcanon Mu as having some african ancestry just due to her background and what she says about her hair in MINIGRAM EP38 "Natural Disaster". Plus I think she flatirons her hair and styles other people's hair as well.

Oh yeah and I think Mikoto may have adhd or other diagnoses outside of the dissociative identity disorder.

I could see myself favoring ace/aro interpretations of his and Kotoko's characters in particular. Though that's just because I'm demisexual and really don't care for romance much myself. However, they both kind of treat romance as more of a thing one can use or has to do with not much personal interest outside of that. Contrarily I think that Mahiru and kazui may have just been polyamorous.

Hm, I kind of take it as fact at this point and forget it isn't. So, I guess I do headcanon Futa as being decent at cooking. Like I could see him cooking the food for his household since he's just a student but his sister and father both work. Like I could see him laying out his college schedule to help with that stuff.

In that sense I think Mikoto is quite rusty with cooking. Like he can do it for others but doesn't really do it for himself. So he's bad simply from being out of practice. Probably from mostly getting takeout due to being on the go or at work often. I also think he tries to keep his room tidy at all times just in case he does have guest one day. Same with Kotoko except she just uses her supplements to account for the difference. She's probably the sort that says things like "Everybody say they'd have so much free time if they didn't eat. Well why don't you then? You don't have to eat we have supplements for that. It seems like you're not that committed to making the time. You just couldn't live without your creature comforts... Weaklings."

Then see like someone having a quick snack on the street and have her stomach growl slightly. Maybe she eats like one good proper meal a day during what little down time she sets aside. Let's be real though she's not setting time aside. It's probably at best once a week.

Amane probably cooked for herself. I mean her mom let her lay that close to a television after all. Just gonna throw out there that the guy probably was snitching to Amane's mom but disparaging her inattentive parenting. Which is why she got beat so bad. I view her mother as the opposite of Haruka's i.e she doesn't pay attention to any of the good things Amane does it's a given that she should be doing those but she will definitely highlight and harp on the bad be it through long lectures or more physical methods. She rubs her face in the bad stuff ramping up punishments then probably says some shit like I only do this because I care and it's the only way you'll know how wrong you were, or you don't sound sorry. Something many abusive parents and individuals in general do.

I think that Amane didn't have a lot of friends and was known as weird within her school. Mostly due to how her families beliefs may have clashed with the lifestyles of her peers. I bring this up in another post I'm still working on.

Well I guess since the cat is out of the bag. This isn't a headcanon anymore and I mostly kept it to myself. But I tend to keep my feelings to myself often and say things that aren't the whole truth because I'm quite certain the people around me won't care. So, it's better to let them down through omitting things and removing the chance for them to get to know me than me be honest and see that they never really cared to know to begin with. Due to my own nature when it came to this I suspected that Kazui would just feel worse and worse the more innocent he was and he wouldn't be able to continue being blase about it. So I was really happy to see his trial three art.

Like Yuno he wants people to chase him, track down the real him, and see the bad in him. Because to know someone fully is to recognized they're flawed. That they can't always be the definition of normal or good. So to continually put that on someone who knows enough about themselves not to like what they see man it's really awful isn't it. That's the damage that unconditional forgiveness causes. If no one judges you the only person left to do it is yourself. If everyone is so accepting it makes a person wonder are you just being nice, do you like me too much, is there something that's stopping you from understanding the sort of person I am. Why do you view me as so good when I look at myself and only see the things wrong- Ah, I get it I just lied to well again. What a let down, Milgram is such a let down I thought someone would finally get it well I shouldn't have dreamed.

Also me the whole time as someone who has this problem, "Ha-ha loser say it, say it, come on be emotionally vulnerable admit your crimes to be seen as the person you are like you want. You won't though will you because that puts the ball in someone else's court and then when they reject you it hurts all the more. So you want them to work for it so they're less likely to reject you. Ha loser- *sobbing it hurt itself in reflection*. You're such a fucking loser Kazui... I'm not hurt by this I- I'm fine."

Man I was so happy (emotionally devastated) that was confirmed I am not feeling a way about that. But this is what Yuno meant,

23/09/02 (Yuno’s Birthday)

Kazui: I heard you’ve been helping Shidou-kun out. ……er, sorry if this comes across as rude, but it’s kind of unexpected. It always seemed like you didn’t care that much about other people.

Yuno: Hmm? What’s with that all of a sudden. I mean, you’re right, I don’t care much. But if there’s someone dying in front of you anyone would do what they could to help, right? And anyway, aren’t you the same? You usually don’t care much either, right?

Kazui: ……I wonder. This old man isn’t as much of a thinker as you are. I mean, until now I’ve been in an environment where it’s all about having physical strength. So I’ve never really thought about stuff like that.

Yuno: Haha, we’re the same in that we’re both liars too. I guess the difference is the reasons we lie. You care about yourself, so you lie to protect yourself. I don’t care about anyone at all, including myself.

You care about yourself, so you lie to protect yourself.

"It’s better to be a let down, than to be let down yourself."/ "I'm so dumb why did I have to dream..."

If headcanons are just things that you add in to pad the story out in your head then I have so many. I like to think about what the prisoners families are doing as well. I like to think about if their parents are looking for them, if someone in their family sent them their, if they're happy they're gone, do they even know they're missing or not where they were last.

I headcanon Amane as being in a orphanage outside of Milgram. I don't think her father ever came back. I think like maybe her mother lied about her father going to spread their religion to cover up a divorce or maybe she killed him who knows. But sometimes I imagine he's out there with an entire new family living peacefully not thinking a thing about Amane. Mostly because I love angst and the focus on family at the end of Magic intrigues me.

That sort of abandonment would strengthen the comparisons between her and Haruka the prisoner that can kill anything smaller than him foil being the prisoner who can kill anything bigger than her is very fun. As well as the fact Haruka wants to be obedient but Amane seems to naturaly do her own thing and have trouble with listening to rules especially if they don't make sense to her or appear unhelpful like the praying to heal the injury.

With Yuno I think she's a bit of helicopter family member. Like she's always checking in on family and being a little overbearing or too concerned. She picks up stuff her family members need while coming off of work and when she does stay home for the day she looks over the house, her grandparents do the cooking most of the time and are still probably quite active, she runs baths for her mom right before she'd get home from her commute, and she helps out her brother with his studies. She's not just like this with family but friends. She checks in with them to see i they're doing alright, if they're having a hard time with studies she'll try to help and make it fun, she tries to match their mood and needs basically.

I think Mahiru is a good dancer. She might have said it was just for her women training. If you're going to be a bride then you have to know how to dance gracefully at your wedding. But she just got into it and knows a lot of dance styles maybe even enjoying dance aerobics. I think her parents are really quiet private people but they were like that couple that was perpetually high school sweethearts even as adults giving her an unrealistic expectation when it came to love.

I Futa and Kotoko definitely read manga this isn't a headcanon to me. However I think Amane and Mu would sneak to read it but Mu would act like she doesn't read any of that stuff. I also think Mu likes to play a little dumber than she is around her friends. I.E she likes to act less emotionally mature to fit in with them and she doesn't like when people call her on that. Mu to me seems like someone who wants to appear less deep than she is in order to protect her heart and feelings like Kazui.

Because if nothing is serious than nothing is wrong. If it's all just out of boredom was it really done with ill intent or ignorance. It's easy to say it was all fun and games but it's even easier to see when the game is no longer fun for everyone but people don't like reckoning with that thought.

Contrary to what others may believe about her i think Kotoko actually has a good few friends outside of her work and that she's more outgoing around people she doesn't view as evil. I wouldn't be surprised if she still had connections in college despite her bad reputation in the news. I think there'd be a few people swearing she wasn't that sort of person and possibly saying good things about her family. I think this mainly because of her expression in the fourth anniversary art and her birthday art. She does have natural charisma she simply just hates everyone here and is wary of them and Milgram.

Shidou, I don't have many headcanons for. I think he'd like watch a lot of tv for some reason but that's about it. Like he'd like a lot of live action dramas and from time to time have date nights inside and watch things with his wife and kids together then watch something with just him and his wife after the kids fell asleep. I don't think he was a distant father just one with a job who more so did the fun stuff than the day to day care. But I like to think his mentality is a bit reminiscent of Mikoto's father or boss and that's why Mikoto immediately clocks him as hard to speak to.

I wouldn't say those are particularly important to me though. They're just personal interpretations that make my time with Milgram a bit more fun.

Though with the Case Study of Vanitas I am really attached to aromantic demisexual Noe reading.

💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

Well a fun fact is the mangaka of Fullmetal Alchemist put a fun little piece of art in the first volume of the case study of vanitas and there is a picture of the fma cast and ph cast together. It is very fun.

But if this is referring to me and the characters I enjoy. Though I haven't mentioned him in all of these because I don't have many headcanons for him Denji from Chainsaw Man literally saved my life like pretty sure if I didn't come across that story when I did I would not still be here. As someone who has faced a good bit of exploitation in my life from people I've trusted and liked it was comforting to see such a raw depiction off those things and how harsh the world can be and the depiction of illiteracy was great as well.

Literally when I was depressed about real life events I just went and bought a Chainsaw Man boxset despite the debt it'd put me in and feel marginally better each time I look at it. Me constantly looks at boxset on bookshelf, "Denji we're really in it now." Looks to Mikoto merch on same shelf,

Mikoto: You should make them all pay.

Me: I've learned one thing from Milgram never do anything that will make it a little more likely for you to go to jail. So not today justified anger.

This is funnier if you know the art of him on my bookshelf is literally just his birthday big button so he is just not doing anything to warrant this thought I just know in this situation he would start killing. Like immediately or at least far earlier than this.

[basshole-astard]

hey you, blogger. do you find yourself in incredible pain daily? even weekly? despite being in your 30s, or younger? despite doing everything that's ""supposed"" to help?

On top of being in incredible pain, can you or could you at any point in your life:

bend yourself into funny positions like putting your foot behind your head

can bend down without fanfare and put your palms COMPLETELY FLAT on the floor

do your elbows bend a bit backwards? how about your knees?

you can bend your pinkies backwards 90 degrees

you find your joints are incredibly weak and garbage; wrists often in pain despite doing stretches; shoulders/neck always hurting no matter how good your posture is; can’t get down on your hands and knees because doing so is Ow Ow Oof Ouch

you have gastrointestinal issues that you cannot link to food in any way (yes, for real,)

headaches/migraines – especially unexplained, but even if you do have an explanation (for real)

never had enough room in your mouth for your teeth

vision prescription gets better and then gets worse again and you find yourself very confused about how??? why????

have really bad allergies including “I can’t use x soap it gives me a rash for some reason” or other similar “coming into contact with certain things makes me break out” (it’s called MCAS, it’s often comorbid)

stand up and your heartrate spikes and/or you get dizzy (that’s called POTS, also comorbid)

Then, hi, you might possibly have something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS; specifically the hypermobile subtype (hEDS), which doesn’t yet have a known genetic marker and goes wildly underdiagnosed in patients, partly because the things they test for hypermobility are pretty limited, partly because doctors don’t know what it is, partly because doctors would rather diagnose you with a different condition (if arthritis or fibromyalgia diagnoses/treatment didn’t help, well...!) because if it sounds like a horse it’s PROBABLY a horse (but it could be a zebra)

Of course having any one of these does not an hEDS diagnosis make, but if you have multiple on my above list? Multiple of the list I am including below the cut? It’s worth looking into. You can continue on reading to see my brief overview, or you can head to www.ehlers-danlos.com to do your own research; they’re a great resource!

"I have a lot of these but not all of them" that's still worth looking into! I've only got five on the above list, and i definitely still have hEDS! Even three is worth considering!

more symptoms and info below the cut, if you want to hear it from a fellow blogger who was diagnosed at 25 and found the diagnosis Extremely Eye Opening as to why i was always in pain and Various Other Issues

---

General hEDS info: EDS itself is a genetic disorder that affects your connective tissue, which in general makes your joints weak and your ligaments weaker. hEDS is the most common subtype, in which you have a lot of EDS traits AND hypermobility BUT none of the genetic markers for the 12 other EDS subtypes.

“Wait, but this thing I can do is normal, my whole family can do it!” or “my mother’s side of the family is all like this!” hEDS is genetic. It’s possible to have it if your parents don’t, but VERY unlikely. So unlikely, in fact, that having immediate family history of hEDS is one of the 3 main diagnostic criteria for it. (You can still get diagnosed if you hit the other 2, but they only ask for 2/3.)

“Surely it can’t be so hard to diagnose that doctors don’t notice it!” my sister did not find out until she was in her 30s, because one of her friends has hEDS, and when my sister was bemoaning how useless doctors were, her friend was like “....hey those sound like MY symptoms, have you considered you might have hEDS?” (Which, due to it being genetic, is how my mom and I found out we also probably had it.) Also, much like ADHD, doctors are wary of diagnosing people with it, afraid they’re just trying to get the “good” meds.

“What good does a diagnosis/research even do me?” 1) an explanation for why you’re in pain all the time 2) knowledge so you can avoid doing things that would hurt you (you have to be SOOO careful with most forms of exercise!) 3) it’s a disorder that warrants higher pain meds than what you can get OTC, so if you are seriously in a lot of pain all the time, and would like to not be...

I’m gonna put a more in-depth list of symptoms below. If you have any five of them, I highly suggest you poke around www.ehlers-danlos.com and do your own research, because even if you aren’t in a position to get a clinical diagnosis right now, even suspecting you MIGHT Have it is useful, either for an explanation for all the things that seem wrong with your body that couldn’t otherwise be explained, or to know that... hey, you should really be careful with what kinds of physical exercise you’re doing, because your risk of injury for some sports is WAY higher than it is for people who don’t have hEDS. More on that below, as well.

-

Symptoms list time:

*THIS IS ALMOST DEFINITELY A MARKER OF hEDS*

hypermobile joints

unstable/weak joints

joints that dislocate frequently

CHRONIC PAIN

stretchy and fragile skin (classic EDS marker, but can show up in hEDS): do you bruise easily? Do cuts take forever to heal?

your parent(s) are also like this (it's a genetic disorder!! Chances are you got it from one of them!!! Love to hear “oh my hips do that too!!! Didn’t realize it wasn’t normal” thanks mom.)

"my parents don't have hEDS tho" are you sure. like. my mom didn't know until my sister found out she did. this thing is *wildly underdiagnosed*. Mom’s in her 50s and had doctors diagnose her with arthritis and fibromyalgia, the treatments for which didn’t help her because it wasn’t what was actually wrong

-

*OTHER THINGS THAT OFTEN COME FREE WITH YOUR hEDS*

chronic fatigue

gastrointestinal issues (if you thought you had IBS, but hit any of the hEDS things, you should consider, well, an hEDS diagnosis; gastroparesis is a common comorbidity)

dysautonomia; i don't have this but it causes things like POTS or "heartrate spikes when i stand" or "i get dizzy when i stand and lose vision briefly"

headaches (and/or migraines!)

MCAS, aka really bad allergies. your nose gets offended at the slightest bit of pollen. the weirdest materials give you a rash. you can only use one soap because all the other ones make you break out. etc.

...ADHD. I’m not shitting you. It is so frequently comorbid that in the UK when you test positive for either ADHD or hEDS they will immediately test you for the other. Connective tissue exists in your brain, as well, so I guess if your connective tissue just doesn’t function properly...

-

HEY CAN YOU PUT THIS IN NON-CLINICAL TERMS FOR ME

sure! did you, at any point in your life:

- able to bend into funny positions like put foot behind head; especially as a kid (hi! that's me!) but of particular note if you can still do those things now

- stretches like butterfly or crossing your arm over your chest just... don’t feel like stretches? (my sister)

- could you bend and without effort place your palms flat on the floor? can you still now? apparently most people struggle - without regular stretching - to touch their toes, let alone put their palms *completely flat* to the floor. that's hypermobility baby!

- elbows bend a little bit backwards? knees?

- can you bend your pinkies back 90 degrees?

- consider yourself double-jointed?

- shoulders/neck always hurt? and like your muscles are SOOOO tight in your neck all the time? hey guess what: the thing EDS does is make your body produce less collagen, which makes your ligaments weak as fuck, and so your muscles are constantly spasming to hold your head up. this is why you're in pain. this is why working the knots out never helps and they always come back. no, this isn't because you’re on your computer too much. your body was just built differently (poorly)

- stretching never seems to help? stretches make you hurt more??? or even: most forms of exercise cause you pain? yeah, most exercise/stretches are meant for Able Bodied People, not people with an underlying undiagnosed hypermobility disorder. You have to adapt them to your needs, and also stretches will never be the be-all-end-all solution to back pain like those funny little infographics on the internet will try and tell you. Maybe it is for able-bodied people, if you have a genetic condition that causes chronic pain, well,

- “but my shoulders are soooo tight tho” POINTING ABOVE AGAIN. they are doing that because the muscles have to overcompensate for your weak ligaments. Stretching does not fix this; you may loosen your muscles, but they will simply tighten again later. The real fix is doing exercises to improve your shoulder muscle stability – I’ll talk about some exercises below.

- have you ever thought to yourself "what the hell, i'm too young to be in this much pain all the time??" you're right! it might be hEDS.

- struggle with opening jars? weak upper body strength? randomly lose your grip on things you’re holding with your hands? “are you serious” I’m serious

- can't crawl on your hands and knees because that hurts your wrists and your knees?

- tangentially: did your parents say you crawled funny as a kid? army crawl? started walking way earlier than expected? yeah.

- you can't squat or kneel because ow oof ow your ankles ow ow your knees? yeah.

- is getting up from the floor hard sometimes?? despite being 30 or younger???? yeah.

- despite everything, and not trying to be, you're still kind of really flexible???

- like, you could do the splits as a kid without having to train yourself to do it?? you can still do the splits now without any effort at all?

- do you seem to get injured really easily? joints especially, or, again, bruised really easily.

- are you in pain right now? think about it. shoulders? back? legs? did you see the part where one of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS is chronic pain? yeah.

i could probably keep going.

-

~here's some specific connective tissue disorder things; i've included only the extremely "normal" ones that haven’t already been listed above and/or are easy to check yourself. you can find a full list at https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ under "how is hEDS diagnosed?"~

listed above: stretchy/fragile skin. By stretchy btw I mean: can you pinch your skin anywhere and pull and get even half an inch away from your body? Neck/back of hand is a good place to try. If you can’t pinch your skin at all w/o hitting Meat then you don’t have this (I don’t, even tho my sister does!) but it’s worth looking out for and alone is like THE thing EDS (all types) is characterized by, so if your skin stretches, that’s of particular notice (but your skin not stretching does not disqualify you from having EDS)

stretch marks (they hate to use this if you're afab, but,)

"Bilateral piezogenic papules of the heel" uh when you're standing are your heels kinda. lumpy. like they got balls in 'em. that's what this is. (this is one of the things i have)

dental crowding (lol!!!!)

can you close your thumb+pinky around both your wrists? (steinberg sign)

when you make fists, thumbs underneath fingers, do your thumbs stick out past your fingers? (walker sign)

-

“Hey, I’m not really hypermobile - is it still possible to have hEDS??”

in theory! I’m only mildly hypermobile myself, outside of the “foot behind head” trick from when i was ten and the “can even now at 25 bend down and put palms flat on floor with no effort” i have… basically no other signs of hypermobility. Though, I guess “things that should be stretches like butterfly or touching your toes are super easy and not stretches for me” also counts as being hypermobile, huh. It’s just really mild.

And, you know, maybe you just have a different EDS subtype. EDS as a whole is not super well understood, so the chances you got a doctor who didn’t know what it was / didn’t want to order a genetic test about it is still, like, high enough it’s worth looking into, I think.

Basically every issue my body has can be drawn back to hEDS, and that kind of knowledge is insane but also really liberating. There is a cause for this. I’m not just in pain for no reason – or worse – because I’m “bad” at taking care of myself. I have a genetic disorder that makes it so my joints don’t work right and also I’m in pain all the time. It’s not necessarily happy, but at least it’s an explanation, instead of sitting there and shrugging and going “I dunno” about it.

So, sincerely, if even five of the things I’ve listed above sound familiar to you, I think you should look into it. Maybe you’ll research and go “oh, that doesn’t sound like me at all, actually”, but on the chance you, like me, start researching and find yourself going “THAT’S WHAT’S BEEN CAUSING THAT THIS WHOLE TIME????” I think it’s worth looking into. That validation is sincerely quite freeing.

-

“Ok, you've convinced me. Now what do I do?”

first of all research some more!

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/ <-- EDS overview and EDS subtypes! Maybe you have one that isn’t hEDS

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ <-- hEDS specific page

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/heds-diagnostic-checklist/ <-- hEDS diagnostic checklist

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/#1667831445611-fb40d58e-84a4 <-- the checklist opens on something called the Beighton scale, which is explained in more detail here. **IF YOU DO NOT SCORE HIGH ON THE BEIGHTON SCALE BUT STILL HAVE MOST OTHER HEDS ISSUES, PRESS FOR DIAGNOSIS NONETHELESS. ENTIRELY POSSIBLY YOU ARE HYPERMOBILE IN AREAS THAT AREN’T TRACKED BY THE BEIGHTON SCALE. IT’S IMPERFECT AND PROBABLY NEEDS TO BE REPLACED BUT THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET.**

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/2017-eds-classification-non-experts/ <-- EDS things in layman’s terms, including comorbidities, like what I was talking about wrt gastrointestinal issues, orthopedic issues, chronic fatigue issues, etc, etc, etc. if you have issues with allergies look at the Mast Cell Disorder one. if you have that “heartrate spikes or I get dizzy when I stand” issue look at the Cardiovascular Autonomic Dysfunction one.

(ngl, sorry if its gross, but learning that hEDS often comes packaged with gastrointestinal issues was what really sealed the whole deal for me being convinced, despite “your sister has it and your mom almost definitely has it” being EXTREMELY damning evidence, because. I have had issues with diarrhea my whole goddamn life. I can’t tie it to food. It just curses me daily.)

second of all: talk to your doctor! or, find a doctor in your area that specializes in EDS. book an appointment, see what they can offer you. they can probably hook you up with physical therapy options (to safely strengthen your muscles to compensate for your weak connective tissue) or some pain management options! If you find the physical therapist is making you do things that make you hurt more and they repeatedly do not listen to you and your body, fire them and find a new physical therapist. 

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/healthcare-professionals-directory/ <-- list of doctors. 

Third of all: find a support group if you’d like? There’s FB groups and Reddit groups and probably even more. Links to some of them here: https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/support/ 

YMMV because hEDS sometimes gets shit on by people with the other EDS subtypes, but at the very least, if a fellow Zebra is bitching about a doctor, you’ll know who to avoid. 

Fourth: Just… if you think you might have it, I want you to take a step back and reconsider the way you feel about yourself and maybe about the exercise you are/aren’t doing. I had a lot of compounded guilt about how I “wasn’t taking good enough care of myself” ; when you’re in pain all the time you sometimes start blaming yourself, especially if you, like me, find that exercise is difficult and painful and that stretching doesn’t ACTUALLY help, you quit doing it. But you don’t always quit thinking “well apparently if I did those stretches to prevent back pain that people always talk about, then I wouldn’t have any back pain!!!!!!” and that kind of mindset... sucks.

It's also not true. Like, not in general, but also especially not if you have hEDS. My back is in pain because my body was built different (poorly), NOT because I “wasn’t doing the right thing”.

So here’s my get out of jail free card, for you. You aren’t in pain because you aren’t doing anything to “fix” it. You’re just in pain. Sure, you can do some (specialized) (hEDS friendly ones) exercises to help combat it, or you could go take some painkillers, but... your pain is not a punishment for your decision not to exercise. Your pain just kinda... is.

Every generalized exercise advice you see online you need to take with a grain of salt anyway, because it was not written for people with a hypermobility disorder. If doing it doesn’t help, then you don’t need to push through the pain because “it’s the thing that’s supposed to fix everything!!!!” No no. There is no correct answer. There is no one-size fits all. If it doesn’t help, or if it hurts, then you shouldn’t do it.

I say this from a place of love. I spent several months trying to fix my wrist pain with stretches, and you know what never went away? My wrist pain. In fact, I’m mildly convinced the stretches made the pain worse. I kept pushing through it for ages, though, because I kept getting told it was supposed to help, and that it was IMPORTANT as someone who spends all day on the computer to TAKE CARE OF MY WRISTS via THESE STRETCHES WE HAVE HELPFULLY COMPILED ONTO AN INFOGRAPHIC FOR YOU!!!!! ...but that’s not how it works. The rules are a little different when you have a hypermobility disorder. You have to really look into exercises that are safe for you to do, instead of just assuming the ones that everyone passes around are going to help.

“Man, so even those shoulder stretches you see around might not help?” nope! They might not!

“What do I do then?” strengthening exercises... I’ll put resources / explain one easy one (for shoulders) below.

Also if you are someone with a job that requires sitting at the computer all day, and you’re worried about how that affects your health... Even if you just get up once every two hours and walk around / look at something else (even your bathroom!!!) for a little bit, that’s fine, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough. You don’t have to stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes. You shouldn’t stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes if that’s hurting you.

RESOURCES TIME

1) https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/resource/strengthen-your-hypermobile-core-a-home-exercise-approach-for-eds-hsd-and-hypermobility-jeannie-di-bon/ <-- webinar that covers at-home exercises you can do

2) and a whole playlist of at-home exercises (in reasonable sized video chunks) by one of the experts, here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLp-oNOmoFdAMFZB7XfpUZyvg_xzE3S3Ue – DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT WATCHED OR USED THESE, SO WHILE I CAN SAY I DOUBT SHE WOULD BE FEATURED WERE SHE NOT A REAL EXPERT, PLEASE JUST. Err on the side of caution. If even one of these hurts you, try not to do it until you can talk with your personal physical therapist, which, yes, I realize requires Acquiring one first..... worth poking around tho, this person has a ton of tips on how to be careful with your joints while doing chores and day-to-day tasks as well, it seems. Actual advice that might actually help you instead of “oh make sure to stretch every 30 minutes!!!!” (might not help) or “have you tried jogging? Its free and easy!!!!!” (sport that is more likely to injure you thanks to the weak joints thing)

3) You can also search “exercise” on ehlers-danlos.com and come up with a ton of other pages/videos/etc of EDS friendly exercises produced by the experts that run this site.

4) That One Easy One I Can Explain In A tumblr Post: Bridging

Meant for core stability, but also works towards strengthening your shoulder muscles as well. Bridges!!! You can probably look up guides, or the lady I linked above has a video that includes her doing bridges about 4 minutes in. here's the video (link).

The version I do involves going up for five seconds, then down for five seconds, repeating for a minute (time yourself). Each day add on ten seconds (so second day you do a minute ten, third day minute twenty, etc) until you are eventually able to do it for three minutes. You do not need to go past three minutes. You are recommended not to. You are recommended to work up to 3 minutes and then continue doing it for 3 minutes every day.

(It doesn’t have to be every day nor does it necessarily have to be 3 minutes every time; if I’m tired or in a hurry I’ll just do two minutes. If I’m really tired I’ll just skip it and do it the next day. No big deal!)

That’s all I got. Thanks for listening to me rant. Hope it was enlightening at all!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #385

The funk persists today, too. Tenacious little fucker, innit?

Nonetheless, I woke this morning and prepared for the various things I intended to do. Today was my monthly visit to my psychotherapist, Je. I talked some about the contents of my 382nd letter to you. We spoke on what I can only define as “rejection paranoia”, which I am defining as something separate from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD for short). RSD is something that a lot of autistic and ADHD folks deal with, and I definitely deal with that (though I wonder if those with C-PTSD also have heightened sensitivity to rejection since... y'know... being rejected often leads to being abused).

I'm defining “rejection paranoia” as perceiving it and feeling icky about it before it has even happened. And... I get that my brain is trying really hard to protect me (albeit in the most misguided way possible), but... I wish it would stop doing that particular thing. It's more than a little annoying, not just to me, but probably to everyone around me, too.

Counterintuitively, as it was explained to me, the only thing for it, really, is to practice radical self-acceptance when I notice it cropping up. This time, I was able to notice it only a little while after the fact (as opposed to not at all), which is a huge improvement compared to past instances of this occurring. When it happens, I'm supposed to basically just sit with myself and tend to myself in the same way that a kind friend would.

...I'm pretty good at doing that for other people. I need to improve upon that when I'm trying to direct my kindness towards myself. I think on some level, after the life I've led and after all the ways I've been viciously trained to think about myself... I am probably a little disgusted at myself. I generally find myself boring and insufferable. I do get brief periods of respite where I don't think that way about myself, and rationally, I do understand that I am not, in fact, boring, disgusting, and insufferable. But... ya know. Brains are gonna brain. Longstanding thought patterns are not easy to change.

...But they can be changed. They can be changed with practice and effort. I can expand the amount of time I can think kindly about myself, just like we can expand the amount of time we can hold our breath, via apnea training. Apnea training isn't easy. Rewiring our brains isn't easy. But the results are worth it, I like to think.

...If you haven't tried apnea training... I'd suggest it. Even if you never intend to do freediving or merman training, it's still a great way to strengthen your diaphragm, as well as to practice mindfulness, breath control, and self-mastery. And it's relaxing as hell, to boot. All you gotta do is follow apnea tables that are right for your body. In my world, there are apps that will help you with that.

STAmina was the one I used before the rib injury took away my ability to expand my lungs properly. You just record your personal best time and the app will generate tables for you that are right for your body. And you lie in a bed and practice once every two or three days, with a soothing playlist, and you let go of all the tension in your body, and the app will tell you when to hold your breath and when to breathe normally.

...I really miss doing it. Oh well.

After physical therapy, I went into work to make sure that Ka and Tr got my message about not being able to come in on Saturday, due to needing to travel for the English test; I will go into work on Thursday this week, instead. We have folks who will come chill at the house and tend our cats, which is wonderful.

...Tr and Ka were both able to notice that something is “off” with me today; I guess this funk must be worse than I thought. Still, I'm kinda clunking along through it. Being productive. Being fully aware that my mental state is compromised so that I don't fall into some lame-ass self-hatred spiral. It's all right. As long as I am mindful and don't end up hurting myself or anyone around me by being a weird crankypants, it's just a matter of waiting for my brain to resume normal functioning. And it will; it always does.

While I was at the store, I got a bunch of stuff for the house. Like angel hair pasta, and some pork, and a big thing of mascarpone cheese, and some mushrooms. I intend to make a pasta thing by mixing the mashed confit garlic with the mascarpone cheese to make a sauce. And then I'll cut up the pork, cook it, and add it to the pasta, along with the sauce. And maybe some tomatoes and mushrooms, too. I'm hoping to have sufficient gumption to get it done tomorrow. I guess we'll see what happens.

...Maybe make some Great Northern Beans too, while I'm at it... it's been a while, and I think I'm kinda getting a hankering for them. They're really good when mixed with a fresh allium of some kind, a splash of olive oil, and a splash of vinegar. Very yummy.

The Greek truck used to make the thing I described, along with gyros, souvlaki, and dolmades. I used to go there all the time with M, back when we were both database analysts for the same company. The gentleman who ran the truck used to call me “sunshine” all the time. M, J, and I haven't been to the food trucks in a very long time. Maybe we'll fix that, this coming spring...

...If we do, you can bet that I'll take pictures for you.

So, I went home and J helped me put the food away in the fridge and in the cabinets, where they go. Then I did most of the dishes. It was almost time for me to head out to physical therapy by the time I was all set with that. J finished the last few dishes while I was out; super duper grateful for him for that; a sink that is not full will make it a lot easier for me to have gumption to cook tomorrow.

At physical therapy, it was brought to my attention once more that, likely as a result of the rib injury, I have clockwise rib cage torsion, if you're looking at me from a top-down view. Some relatively painful manual therapy techniques were done to try to kinda shove it back into place, and we were partially successful. I can move my right arm around a little better now, at least for a little while.

...I really gotta get back to doing my exercises... I'll do them before bed tonight. I feel a little bad for having dropped the ball on them.

I went home after that. By then, I was pretty hungry because I hadn't eaten at all, and it was like 3:30pm or 4pm by the time I got home. I was a bit too tired to cook anything, so I just ordered in. I felt somewhat better after eating, but it didn't take the funk away. Oh well.

Not having the energy for much else, I played a few runs of Hades. This time, I got very close to felling Asterius:

...Like with anything I practice, I will continue to improve. It's only a matter of time before he falls to me.

Though... I notice... when I'm in a funk like this, or when I'm too tired or in too much pain (like with the tooth extraction) to be attached to the result... I play better. And that seems counterintuitive to me; I figure I should play better when I'm feeling alert and healthy and good. Weird.

...I can't help but wonder if you know something about that. I can't help but wonder if maybe... you were so good on the battlefield simply because... you weren't attached to whether or not you walked away from your encounters alive.

…

...I hope there will come a day when you can be alive somewhere in a peaceful place and everyone else is alive and well, too, but... you still don't have to fight anyone anymore.

...Sephiroth... keep trying to build that kind of wholesome life for yourself, okay? Please keep striving towards a world where you can go to therapy, and have tea, and get yummies from the grocery store, and then come home and play video games while someone who cares about you watches and cheers you on. Please keep striving for a world in which you can make your own yummies in the kitchen, or else get yummies from somewhere else if you're not feeling up to making them.

I'll be over here cheering you on to become the best and healthiest version of yourself, no matter what happens. And if you need a break, you can find one here at my house. So don't give up, okay? There are lots of people who are able and willing to love and support you, even if sometimes it's hard to believe.

I think I'll play a little more Hades and then go to sleep. You'll find me here if you wanna hang:

I'll write to you again tomorrow. So please try to stay safe out there, at least until then.

I love you.

Your friend, Lumine

[kiyomitakada]

vent ish

i mean obviously a calendar change from a year to another year wouldn’t have fixed me anyway but i didn’t expect to feel this bad like i don’t know why today of all days i feel even more like cutting off all human contact changing my name and running away to another city. i made a half joking resolution yesterday to stop disappearing and now i just want to do it more because it feels like there are needles in my throat. and i mean i thought college would fix me too because i haven’t talked to my ex in a year but noooo i can’t maintain a stable conversation with anyone because what if they force me to stop talking to anyone else forever i guess. i mean maybe it’s not even my ex’s fault this started four years ago before we started really dating and it’s only gotten worse like i barely think about her anymore i missed her birthday this year and only realized two weeks after the fact (she wished me a happy birthday before then and i never responded because i’m a terrible person) (but also to be fair she broke up with me first i have the right). i haven’t talked to one of my favorite irl people (not my ex lmao) in four months and she thinks i hate her because she missed my birthday (she didn’t have wifi for that month because she was on vacation) and like literally i could clear this up just by texting her because i’m not mad at all but i haven’t had the energy to. in four months. i would say i’m probably cluster b people’s worst nightmare due to the abandonments georg of it all but frankly i’m probably everyone’s worst nightmare like what the fuck man. i feel like at this point im only fixable by adhd medication or counseling but i tried counseling once and just lied to the counselor the entire time so that’s right out. and maybe this isn’t executive dysfunction maybe it’s szpd. or maybe it’s just me as a person and everyone feels this way but can overcome it. i don’t know. i don’t think going no-contact with everyone you love for half-years at a time is normal. i don’t think staying in touch should be difficult. i don’t know if writing this all out is even helping or if it’s just going to make everything worse. maybe this afternoon i’ll manage to look at discord servers long enough to say happy new year to my friends who aren’t on this blog. i miss them a lot. i wish there was a way of telling them without telling them. light says it’s about going through the motions and he’s wrong about a lot of things but he did survive to 23 (27+ in the universe i’m quoting hey) so he has a point probably it’s just that going through the motions is so hard when there’s someone else in the equation whose actions i can’t predict. possibly i should be prohibited from ever making friends again for the safety of mankind. but hey calendar changes aren’t real anyway who cares other than everyone else on the planet am i right. january second might be better. new year’s resolution is be at least as good a person every day as i was the day before that. i watched wicked yesterday and i liked it. look, it’s tomorrow

[destiny-in-the-universe]

two down, another to go.

This is going to a mix of about 4-5 different prompts and it’s going to be very much a doozy, esp. because of the fandom choice. It’s extremely late, and I’m not expecting anyone to see this until sometime tomorrow, but the fandom oddly enough is Cars. As in the Pixar movie!

It’ll be an extremely niche reader group but oh fucking well. This is what I’m fixated on writing apparently. For some explanation, it follows the most alt canon to ever be written but it is implied to take place following the events of Cars 2! Lightning is still a racer and at the top of his game, though things take an unexpected, sudden turn in this - since I just like to be mean when it comes to my favorites lmao which includes this boy. Also! Keep in mind everyone is human.

I will say he gets to go through it and is loosely inspired by a great series on Ao3 which I will link later if I can find. It’s definitely becoming its own multi-chaptered work though I’ll cover that later since I’ve no idea if people will be interested in that!

Read below the cut for more information about the Cars whump prompt!

Whumptober Event

Following an alternative canon, Lightning McQueen has returned for another year of racing in order to win the latest Piston Cup, but when things take an unexpected turn for the worse - will he be able to pick himself back up again?

The characters are, of course, humanized. Timeline wise, it’s supposed to take place after Cars 2, but presumably before Cars 3. There are a few key differences from the canon franchise however.

Cars AU Headcanons

I am not incredibly mean, so despite that my love for angst, suffering, and whump - Doc Hudson is not dead. Also because I’m a complete sucker for Doc’s dynamic with Lightning McQueen, and is a huge part for the incoming series/whump writing event.

Mater is very much Not Straight. He doesn’t have a label on himself, but after breaking things off with Holley Shiftwell - he has begun catching feelings for a certain someone. We’ll get to this later!

Mater is also Extremely Autistic and ADHD. You can’t convince me otherwise, holy shit

Lightning McQueen is so ADHD. This is canon now. I make the rules!

Sarge and Fillmore are in a committed relationship, and have been ever since the 1960’s. This is not center to the au I’m working on, but it’s also going to be referenced so,

Doc Hudson has mobility issues and uses a cane to help him walk. His crash won’t be a main focus, but yes, the cane is a mobility aid due to scarring from the incident in his youth!

Hurt Lightning McQueen means adoptive parent Doc Hudson. This is all you’re getting!

Finn and Holley might not appear in this installation, but they’ll probably get referenced in some way!

Lightning is an orphan. It’s unclear what happened to his parents, so all the people he has are from Radiator Springs.

While it’s not a major focus in this version, and is more in the past, I am very much a Harv basher. Have fun with this!

I’ll expand on this universe later, but the short version - Lightning deals with the aftermath of an incident during a race and the road to recovery is far from easy; at least he has his found family to help every step of the way. In other words, I traumatize Lightning for my own whump serving purposes. I’ll be in touch!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i tell a friend that i don’t want to do movie nights with her anymore?

So I (18nb) have a semi-online friend (17f) (semi-online because i know her due to connections with other irl friends but she lives very far away, so i’ve never met her irl) who likes watching movies together with me. The way we would always do it is that she’d video call me over whatsapp and then play whatever movie she decided to watch on her tv and she’d like just point her phone’s camera to the screen.

as you can probably imagine, that guaranteed a terrible audio and picture quality every single time. i have sensory issues due to my autism (she isn’t autistic, but might have adhd (she isn’t diagnosed but has most of the symptoms), so that combination always ends with me really overstimulated after an hour (aka before most movies are finished). irl movie nights aren’t an option bc again she lives super far away.

now, she has been my friend for a few years and we can’t really do much stuff together because of the distance, so i understand why she wants something that we can “do” together yk? and obviously there’s not many options bc neither of us play video games.

however, it’s always me who has to deal with the worse quality and it’s always her who decides what we watch. like when i propose something she’ll always be like “yeah maybe eventually” and then brush it off & forget about it & tell me what she wants to watch instead. and like those other options she gives are supposed to just be like proposals, but she’s a very persistent person and it takes me saying “no” like 5 times until she accepts it. i’m not very good at saying no, but that’s my own problem and i don’t blame her for that. it just means that this is a bad combination bc it takes a lot out of me to not budge yk?

another thing is that she doesn’t have many irl friends and so i feel bad for not wanting to continue these movie nights tbh, but until we either a) find a way to do them with better quality for me or b) switch who chooses the movie and who has to deal with the bad quality, i do not want to do this anymore.

she’s a great friend and this isn’t a huge huge issue, but it’s weighing on me and i don’t like the situation as it is right now.

What are these acronyms?