#probably worse for me due to adhd

[amaretto-mp4]

This is me with my final year uni proj! I’m making really slow progress but I’m telling myself each step makes a difference regardless. The anxiety just mounts to insane levels the longer I leave it; though it feels relieving in the (very) short term.

Also with sns: taking a longer break from my main ig page initially left me with a lot of fomo; even seeing the unread notifs piling up now is just 💀 but overall I’m def mentally in a better place from taking this semi-hiatus of sorts, and just being active on my priv for the time being.

Also self care SUCKS most of the time. Like it’s not fun at all. It’s doing the stuff you don’t want to, like cleaning your room, submitting that form, going to the gym that first time, having that conversation you avoided or making that call. It’s doing stuff that lets you unwind and stop worrying, and most of the time, that involves confronting and overcoming something you really would rather avoid.

[yuribalisms]

One of my biggest pet peeves are my coworkers who work in different departments getting sent back to mine and saying shit like “oh I could NEVER do your job I just have the WORST adhd I would go insane it would KILL ME you are SO LUCKY you don’t have adhd while trying to do this miserable awful terrible fucking job uwu” meanwhile I’m standing there glaring at them, with my adhd that is so debilitating I have been cautioned against ever living by myself, and against going back to school without extreme accommodations, having worked this job for almost a year 🙃 like how about you uuuhhhhh shut the fuck up

[chu-diaries]

100 days of mental healthcare: day 100/100

Well, it's over! I genuinely can't believe it's been 100 days since I started this challenge (even more than 100, since I skipped a day or two when I couldn't post).

For those who just arrived, I started this challenge in April, the day after my birthday, when I was really in bad health. I had severe panic attacks about 4 times a day, which made me unable to do anything. I dealt with constant suicidal thoughts, I barely slept anymore and I was spending everything I had on doctors, self-knowledge courses and therapies. I found myself with two options: the first was to invest in medications that would make me dependent and drugged, but that would fix my brain. However, there was a risk that I wouldn't get the dose or medication right in time and my situation would get worse. The second option was longer and more difficult: studying how my body, my brain and my limits worked, and then adjusting day after day what wasn't going well. You know that I chose this option and that I created the 100-day mental healthcare challenge to track my progress on this.

In these 100 days I learned a lot that I want to share here. As we are all unique and different human beings, you may not agree with what I applied in my life, but I ask for respect and empathy, because all of this saved me. Also, some points have a scientific basis in research I did and books I read.

1. mental health and nutrition

This was one of the first things I learned. I realized that when I was hungry, my body didn't give me clear signals. Probably due to my autism and ADHD, I was always disconnected from my body's needs and didn't know how to identify hunger (which I expected to be something like a growling in my stomach, but it never was that way). What actually happened was that, instead of hunger, I had a critical increase in my intrusive and suicidal thoughts, which made mealtimes much worse than they should have been. Our mind is more vulnerable when the body is not properly fed and hydrated, and many of us neurodivergent people will not feel hunger like neurotypicals do. Our body wants us to move to find food, so it sends us successive stimuli through our brains to fight for our lives and, well, eat. Some of these stimuli can be very negative and, instead of propelling us forward, they drain our energy and make us even more depressed, which also doesn't happen to the same extent with neurotypicals, who deal with this type of thing much better. To avoid this, I started eating every 3 hours, and not because a doctor told me to, but because I realized that my crises happened with this frequency. By eating regularly and preventively, my body stopped depending on this resource to nourish itself and I became more mentally stable.

2. mental healthcare and intestinal system

The gut is not our second brain for nothing. The health of our mind is completely connected to the health of our gut. You have certainly heard the phrase “you are what you eat” and it is true. What surprised me most in my studies was discovering that neurotypical and completely mentally healthy people develop mental disorders if their gut microbiota is altered. In other words, we must nourish our gut to maintain our mental health. The more diverse our microbiota is, the better our mental health will be. This means eating various foods per week, as colorful and natural as possible, because food industrialization is also partially responsible for the number of mental disorders that exist today.

3. mental healthcare and eating meat

This is a difficult topic, since I was a vegetarian for many years, but I want to share what I learned with you. The incidence of mental disorders is directly associated with the levels of omega 3, taurine and tryptophan. Omega 3 is a good fat and essential not only for maintaining memory, but for all of our cognitive functioning and, although it can be supplemented in a vegan way, it is not as accessible to everyone in the appropriate dosage as fish. Similarly, meat has high levels of taurine and tryptophan, which regulate anxiety and depression and improve sleep. For many years I did not eat meat, supplementing protein with vegetables and whey, and for all those years I suffered from anxiety and depression. I never imagined that my blood type would also suffer more from this lack of protein: blood type O struggles more to maintain mental health and ideal mood levels with vegetable proteins. It is a blood type that needs animal protein. Going back to eating meat was not an easy decision, but I decided to test it out: even though I ate a small amount of animal protein per day, my cognitive function improved a lot in these past 100 days. I became more mentally stable and stronger, my mood improved, my gut responded positively and suddenly the things that haunted me were no longer so big. I never thought that mental health and animal protein had any connection, but I was very surprised to discover that eating meat (or not) influences our mind.

4. mental healthcare and intrusive thoughts

Well, I studied psychology, but it was a theory that didn't deal with intrusive thoughts. In these 100 days I discovered this term and delved deep enough to understand that we all have intrusive thoughts. Neurotypicals deal with them better, while neurodivergents deal with them much worse. Unfortunately, I suffered a lot with these thoughts and suffered even more trying to understand why this was happening in my head. If you suffer from intrusive thoughts, start by understanding that they are not real and that they do not come from you consciously. An intrusive thought is something that crosses your mind and is similar to a scary radio station that you accidentally connected to. It does not belong to you. I learned to think (and I like this theory) that this is a way for the brain to prepare itself for various possibilities, even the most absurd and impossible ones. We are animals and our body wants to survive, so I understand that the brain explores various probabilities to always be prepared, no matter what happens. Of course, for anxious and depressed people this has the opposite effect and makes us want to die. Over time, you learn that you can’t control when these thoughts appear, but you can control how much power you give them. I deal with obsessive intrusive thoughts every day, but each day I’m becoming more and more able to not get emotionally involved with them. “It’s just a glitch in my brain,” I think, taking a deep breath.

5. mental healthcare and joy (which is worth more than solving problems)

I've always had a very fast-paced mind, cluttered with things and addicted to solving problems. In recent years I thought I should focus more on relaxing and opening up spaces in my mind, but I discovered that an empty mind can be treacherous for neurodivergent people. Our mind is, in fact, addicted to solving problems. That's how our species evolved and prospered. Our mind has an organizational structure that seeks, through connections and associations, to process past and future events, resolve pending issues and find solutions for what was left behind. We do this with everything, even with things that are not in our control. I spent a lot of my life trying to solve what was going on in my head and I was unsuccessful because I wasn't the one who created this situation. Although solving problems is a pattern of the mind, it is a sweet illusion. Many things are not actually solved, we only think they are. I discovered that the time I invested trying to solve mental problems that I did not create could be used to create happier foundations to strengthen myself. I learned that it is actually joy that heals, not obsessively thinking about the problem until it is solved. Every time I focused my energy on doing something good, laughing or contemplating nature, I became a little stronger and remembered who I am. I won't deny that I felt guilty - the cognitive rigidity of autism screamed at me that I was ignoring my problems and that I was creating a silly fantasy world. Even so, I fought to break out of this pattern. It is still difficult. But today I believe that I’m meant to be happy and that cultivating moments of joy makes life worthwhile.

6. mental healthcare and feeling useful

Feeling useful is essential for mental health. We all want to be part of something and be recognized as necessary. In these 100 days, I decided to resume some volunteer work within my community and I also opened a new company, with handmade products, so that I would also have the opportunity to produce something that was not only in the intellectual field (handicrafts are very good for those who suffer from anxiety). Having a dynamic routine in which you have an important role is great for mental health and your sense of self-authority. Also, getting in touch with other people's personal stories helps to decentralize our gaze from ourselves, which is very useful if you suffer from OCD. As tiring as it may be, the more diverse activities we do, the better our cognitive function becomes.

7. mental healthcare and moving the body

It's interesting that to take care of your mind, you need to get out of your head and move your body. Many of the tensions accumulated in our minds can be released by running, walking or playing some sport. It doesn't matter what it is, but move your body. We were not designed to stay still, but to do various strength, balance and endurance exercises. Our ancestors walked for days in search of shelter and food, and that's how our bodies evolved. Especially for those who suffer from anxiety, high-impact exercises not only help regulate your mood and release neurotransmitters, but also generate a stress spike that will do your body good for the rest of the day. When we trigger these spikes, our body answer quickly and creates new pathways to respond to stress, which helps us better deal with anxiety, depression, instructive thoughts, etc. Our sleep also improves, as we use our stored energy and tend to think less before going to sleep.

8. mental healthcare and sleep hygiene

I have always tried to force myself to be silent. I forced myself to meditate for many years, without much success, but after the panic attacks returned, meditating and being silent were torture. It was as if I made room for all my inner demons to dance in my mind and I always felt worse. I recently discovered that neurodivergent people struggle more with silence and that it does them a lot of good to distract their minds with sounds, images and other stimuli that allow them to emotionally engage with something real and outside of themselves. I see that it is a controversial topic, but I no longer believe in sleep hygiene without screens and complex content. My best nights of sleep were those in which I distracted myself with something until I fell asleep or listened to someone talking until I fell asleep. So if you want to test what works best for you, know your limits and do not blindly obey the orders that someone has set. Maybe you work better at dawn, maybe you only need 6 hours of sleep, maybe you are different from the average. Your life's work is to discover yourself and be true to it.

9. mental healthcare and developing self-authority

This was very important to me. I have always had low self-esteem and I have always believed in others more than in myself. I sought answers and cures for what I suffered from various doctors and therapists, but all of this only made my situation worse. I became dependent on diagnoses, consultations and sessions that never really helped me. At a certain point I decided that I would educate myself on the subjects that bothered me. I studied, and studied a lot, about psychology, neurology, neuroscience, nutrition and about the functioning of the body as a whole. Today I no longer accept any diagnosis about myself because I have developed my own authority. I am the authority when it comes to myself, you know? I don't need others to tell me what I am feeling because now I know what it is and where it comes from. I also know, fortunately, how to solve it. When I go to a doctor or have an exam, I know what I am investigating and what I need to achieve. It is very sad that today medicine is just a search for money and that you only get good care if you pay a lot for it, so it is important to get educated about yourself so you won’t fall into standardized speeches that will lead you to the ever-increasing consumption of pharmaceuticals and drugs without, in fact, looking at the cause of the problem.

10. mental healthcare and time

There are things that only time can heal. There is nothing like letting time pass. A few months ago, all I could think about was how I wanted to end my life and it was tormenting to think about living for even one more day. Waiting for time to pass was difficult, but I was rewarded. Time has a way of overcoming some things if you allow yourself to create new memories, new connections and new laughs. If you are suffering a lot, wait a few more hours. Live one more day. Let time pass and life bring you better things.

See you guys again on my next challenge (maybe a productivity one?). Thanks to everyone who liked and reblogged my previous posts! 💕

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for debating hiring outside help for my husband and I's house because we can't keep up alone?

For context: My (26 Fae ftm) husband (28M) live very happy and healthily together. While I'm unable to medically transition due to a bunch of reasons we'll get to, he has been nothing but a solid rock in my life and the one person that has always been on my side. Through dragging me out of an abusive household to helping me with my chronic illness, he's been an absolute angel despite dressing like the devil himself (he's goth). So I don't want any hate on him.

He is ADHD and I'm Autistic. Yes, hello, we are that couple~♡ This does cause us some issues tho as he is unmedicated and I'm just struggling in general with sensory issues for certain chores. So far we keep each other some what afloat, having him do chores that my sensory issues can't handle and my doing ones he can't focus through.

However, as previously mentioned I'm chronically ill. I won't get into many details but it's basically I'm internally bleeding at random intervals. And before people think I'm talking about just my period, no it's so bad that I have once had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion due to this internal bleeding and had times when I was bleeding for over 4 months straight.

My husband and I because of this condition are pretty much struggling financially. I can work but it makes me extremely fatigued since I'm essentially working with constant Anemia. It gets bad enough some days that he can't wake me up without over an hour of effort, even after I've slept 10hrs. The fatigue is REALLY bad. He works just as much as I do, sometimes more because his work is so shortstaffed and he likes to pick up extra shifts to try and save up for the surgery that would hopefully fix everything.

This has culminated though in us both being extremely exhausted near 24/7 for the last year-ish but we have finally hit a break. I recently got a huge pay increase (nearly $200 a week increase) so we are hopeful for the first time in months. We're starting to pay down my extreme medical debt and being able to just go get dinner when he doesn't want to cook.

Here's where I may be kind of TA... Despite this hope, my condition recently did get worse. I've now gone another 3 months still bleeding and having to suffer my Anemia symptoms and medication. This has caused me to fall massively behind on what should be my chores, and while my husband doesn't begrudge me it, it has caused our home to start becoming very, very unhygienic. As someone who grew up with a clean freak mother, it kinda upsets me. He's focusing more and more on me and less on the house so even his chores are falling behind too.

None of that is his fault. He loves me so much he wants to help Me first but it has gotten to where we are both going "we really need to clean the house..." but neither of us have enough battery to do so. Me becuz of my condition and he becuz he's stuck caring for me.

We have enough that we might be able to afford to hire a cleaning service to help us out, but it would cost us some of the freedom and paying down medical bills. I think it'd only be a temporary thing, once I recover from my current episode, we can probably get better... but I don't know how long it will be.

On top of this I'm worried paying for this service will further put off my surgery as we struggle to save up for it again... We've already had to tap into that savings cuz my current episode lost me 2 days at work.

Is it unfair for me to ask to use our new extra money for essentially my not wanting to have to bother doing basic chores? I know I'm tired but I've lived with it so long I could and should probably just push through.

What are these acronyms?

[tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors]

im such a big fan of the linda public school vs homeschool debate i think its a really interesting conflict, because obviously roman was homeschooled and it wasnt really beneficial towards him (which virgil could probably sympathise with regarding all of his mortal friends being terrified of him briefly), BUT also trying to tell logan or even patton that public school is the best option for their fae child is so obviously gonna be a problem, and then even when roman saw how logan was treated he didnt see how young it started and how much it was ingrained in him that he was wrong, and virgil didnt really see any of the worst of it so trying to commicate why its such a concerning idea is going to require bringing up some unpleasant things. but ALSO linda is not logan ((is it fair projecting his experiences onto linda or by trying to protect her are they gonna cause a complex anyway where she internalises being fae is wrong?)) or roman or patton or virgil and either choice could be uniquely beneficial or damaging just based on how she responds to her environment, which is impossible to actually determine without some trial and error, and id bet good money they dont want to risk the "error" part at all

just a very cool and interesting debate i feel, i enjoy how everyone has so many reasons to be so emotionally invested

thank you so much, you get exactly the vibe i was going for. the dichotomy of roman and virgil who were so so lonely as children due to isolation, versus logan and patton who were so hurt because of bullying, putting them in two very different camps as to what's best for their kid, makes it SUCH a hard conversation to have. they pretty much start having it the moment she's born and it continues for the next two years, and its the closest to genuinely angry they ever really get with each other. because theyre all really stubborn, but they rarely disagree on something this important so vehemently.

compounded by the fact that they dont yet know if she's going to age more like a fae or a human, and that being a visibly-6yo in middle school would theoretically make that issue exponentially worse

tentatively, im thinking that she will be homeschooled until she goes to college, and also that thats kind of one of the reasons why she doesnt do as well as she hoped. she had structure (in a house full of autistic people, you bet she had structure) but also a lot of freedom over dictating that structure, and the freedom to deviate from it when she needed to (in house full of ADHD people, you bet she was allowed to go run around in the yard whenever she needed a break).

so in college the combination of 1. less structure in the sense that she has less support network and people to hold her accountable and 2. less freedom in the sense that you can leave whenever you want in college, but the class doesnt stop and wait for you to come back, means she doesnt have the skills to make it really work for herself, especially compounded with the fact that she's emotionally much less mature than her peers

and that fucking sucks, for her and for LAMP. because you can debate for years, and you can do your best, and you can do everything right, and your kid might still wind up with baggage because of something you did. something you did and believed in your heart of hearts was the best thing for them.

the world is big and full of sharp things and you cant actually wrap your kid in bubble wrap. the bubble wrap is also full of sharp things, in this metaphor that immediately ran away from me.

all you can do is just keep stocked in bandaids, and hold their hand while you put it on.

[lily-janus]

Being Needed

Order up for @kieraelieson for the Sleepy Bean Fanfic Cafe' event on @tsspromptmonth who wanted, Canonverse Logan/Virgil. A soft hurt/comfort sick fic. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: Logan helps Virgil and Thomas... and maybe himself too

Characters: Logan, Virgil and Thomas

Relationships: platonic Analogical

Word count: 902

Trigger warnings: anxiety attack, low self esteem, sickness, food mention, let me know if I missed anything!

"Thomas? Are you listening?” Logan tried his best to keep his voice its usual neutral tone, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.

Due to Thomas’ ADHD, Logan got used to him spacing out at times during their scheduling conversations. Today it seems to happen more frequently, though, so much so that Logan doubts he even listened from the beginning.

…Thomas still didn’t respond to his question, and when Logan looked at him closely he noticed that his eyes seemed unfocused. He raised his hand in front of Thomas’ face and snapped his fingers in hopes of shaking him back to reality.

It seemed to work as Thomas flinched and finally looked at Logan with a new focus. Frowning, Logan asked, “are you well, Thomas? Should I check on the others?”

“I ah…” Thomas struggled to speak, his breathing heavy for some reason, his forehead sweating a little, it almost looked like…

“Thomas, are you having an anxiety attack? I remember you researching signs of silent anxiety attacks, you seem to be showing most of those symptoms.” Logan said urgently, becoming more and more worried.

Thomas gripped his chest, right above his heart, and simply nodded “check… Virgil…” Thomas managed to say between labored breaths, closing his eyes and feeling the wall next to him with his hand, trying to ground himself.

As much as Logan didn’t want to leave Thomas like this, he knew he was right, Virgil was probably the core of this problem so the best way to help Thomas at the moment is to help Virgil.

Nodding, Logan sank down and sank up in the mindscape, heading straight to Virgil’s room and knocking on his door, loud enough to be heard but, hopefully, not too loud that it’ll startle him.

“Come in…” he heard a weak, hoarse voice calling from the inside, making his worries increase.

He closed the door behind him as he went in towards Virgil’s bed, seeing him crawled out in a ball on it, whimpering quietly.

“Virgil? What’s wrong?” He asked softly as he bent near the bed.

“I don’t know!” Virgil wailed, gripping his spider plushy tighter, “I just woke up today and… everything hurts Logan… I think I might be sick” he let out a cough as if to emphasize his statement.

“May I check your temperature?" He asked calmly, knowing how Virgil feels about physical touch at times.

Virgil nodded weakly and Logan gently placed his hand on his sweaty forehead. “As I suspected, your temperature is definitely higher than is recommended. You are indeed sick, which would explain Thomas’ state.”

Virgil turned to his side to look at Logan at that statement, “am I… hurting him again?” His voice is so weak and he sounds close to tears.

Logan shook his head, “no Virgil, anxiety would always be a struggle, that is something that no one, especially not you, can control. It would make sense that the worse you feel the stronger Thomas’ anxiety becomes, but that is something you can’t help. Best you can do is give yourself time to heal.”

Virgil still looked guilty but he nodded, “I’ll just rest today then… I don’t wanna bother you or the others, this’ll-” he sneezed, “pass” he finished.

Logan shook his head, reaching for a tissue box next to Virgil’s bed and handing him one. “It’ll pass quicker with help.” He pointed out, “and I would hope that, by now, you know that your needs, or anyone else’s, are not a bother.”

Virgil didn’t respond, simply blew his nose and threw the tissue in the bin beside his bed. But he didn’t object to Logan helping either.

Logan got up, “I’m going to make you breakfast and tea as I’m assuming you haven’t eaten today yet.”

Virgil shook his head, “just tea… not hungry.”

“Hungry or not, your body needs energy in order to heal properly, I’ll return shortly.”

Virgil grumbled but didn't protest farther, so Logan left to do as he said.

As the food was cooking, Logan sank up to check on Thomas, finding him on the couch, doom scrolling on his phone.

“Thomas?” He asked gently, though the question still startled Thomas as he jumped, almost dropping his phone.

“Oh… Logan… How's Virgil?” He asked when he calmed down a little.

“He appeared to be sick, I’m helping him recover, distraction is not a bad coping mechanism but please do try some grounding and breathing exercises as well.” He was about to sink back to the mindscape when Thomas grabbed his arm.

“Thank you…” he smiled weakly at him.

“Oh um… of course, Thomas, it’s my job to make sure you are functioning properly.” Logan quickly recovered from his intial surprise.

“I know, I appreciate that.” Thomas squeezed Logan’s arm with another smile, looking relieved, then let go and closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly.

As Logan rose back up in the mindscape and finished preparing Virgil’s food and tea, he felt an unfamiliar warmth spread through his chest.

That same warmth increased when Virgil thanked him for the food and… for being there for him, shaking his head fondly after Logan pointed out it was part of his job.

It felt… good to be needed again, he didn’t realize just how much he missed that feeling. As he watched Virgil eat, he allowed himself a tiny, genuine, smile. He can still be useful after all…

[basshole-astard]

hey you, blogger. do you find yourself in incredible pain daily? even weekly? despite being in your 30s, or younger? despite doing everything that's ""supposed"" to help?

On top of being in incredible pain, can you or could you at any point in your life:

bend yourself into funny positions like putting your foot behind your head

can bend down without fanfare and put your palms COMPLETELY FLAT on the floor

do your elbows bend a bit backwards? how about your knees?

you can bend your pinkies backwards 90 degrees

you find your joints are incredibly weak and garbage; wrists often in pain despite doing stretches; shoulders/neck always hurting no matter how good your posture is; can’t get down on your hands and knees because doing so is Ow Ow Oof Ouch

you have gastrointestinal issues that you cannot link to food in any way (yes, for real,)

headaches/migraines – especially unexplained, but even if you do have an explanation (for real)

never had enough room in your mouth for your teeth

vision prescription gets better and then gets worse again and you find yourself very confused about how??? why????

have really bad allergies including “I can’t use x soap it gives me a rash for some reason” or other similar “coming into contact with certain things makes me break out” (it’s called MCAS, it’s often comorbid)

stand up and your heartrate spikes and/or you get dizzy (that’s called POTS, also comorbid)

Then, hi, you might possibly have something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS; specifically the hypermobile subtype (hEDS), which doesn’t yet have a known genetic marker and goes wildly underdiagnosed in patients, partly because the things they test for hypermobility are pretty limited, partly because doctors don’t know what it is, partly because doctors would rather diagnose you with a different condition (if arthritis or fibromyalgia diagnoses/treatment didn’t help, well...!) because if it sounds like a horse it’s PROBABLY a horse (but it could be a zebra)

Of course having any one of these does not an hEDS diagnosis make, but if you have multiple on my above list? Multiple of the list I am including below the cut? It’s worth looking into. You can continue on reading to see my brief overview, or you can head to www.ehlers-danlos.com to do your own research; they’re a great resource!

"I have a lot of these but not all of them" that's still worth looking into! I've only got five on the above list, and i definitely still have hEDS! Even three is worth considering!

more symptoms and info below the cut, if you want to hear it from a fellow blogger who was diagnosed at 25 and found the diagnosis Extremely Eye Opening as to why i was always in pain and Various Other Issues

---

General hEDS info: EDS itself is a genetic disorder that affects your connective tissue, which in general makes your joints weak and your ligaments weaker. hEDS is the most common subtype, in which you have a lot of EDS traits AND hypermobility BUT none of the genetic markers for the 12 other EDS subtypes.

“Wait, but this thing I can do is normal, my whole family can do it!” or “my mother’s side of the family is all like this!” hEDS is genetic. It’s possible to have it if your parents don’t, but VERY unlikely. So unlikely, in fact, that having immediate family history of hEDS is one of the 3 main diagnostic criteria for it. (You can still get diagnosed if you hit the other 2, but they only ask for 2/3.)

“Surely it can’t be so hard to diagnose that doctors don’t notice it!” my sister did not find out until she was in her 30s, because one of her friends has hEDS, and when my sister was bemoaning how useless doctors were, her friend was like “....hey those sound like MY symptoms, have you considered you might have hEDS?” (Which, due to it being genetic, is how my mom and I found out we also probably had it.) Also, much like ADHD, doctors are wary of diagnosing people with it, afraid they’re just trying to get the “good” meds.

“What good does a diagnosis/research even do me?” 1) an explanation for why you’re in pain all the time 2) knowledge so you can avoid doing things that would hurt you (you have to be SOOO careful with most forms of exercise!) 3) it’s a disorder that warrants higher pain meds than what you can get OTC, so if you are seriously in a lot of pain all the time, and would like to not be...

I’m gonna put a more in-depth list of symptoms below. If you have any five of them, I highly suggest you poke around www.ehlers-danlos.com and do your own research, because even if you aren’t in a position to get a clinical diagnosis right now, even suspecting you MIGHT Have it is useful, either for an explanation for all the things that seem wrong with your body that couldn’t otherwise be explained, or to know that... hey, you should really be careful with what kinds of physical exercise you’re doing, because your risk of injury for some sports is WAY higher than it is for people who don’t have hEDS. More on that below, as well.

-

Symptoms list time:

*THIS IS ALMOST DEFINITELY A MARKER OF hEDS*

hypermobile joints

unstable/weak joints

joints that dislocate frequently

CHRONIC PAIN

stretchy and fragile skin (classic EDS marker, but can show up in hEDS): do you bruise easily? Do cuts take forever to heal?

your parent(s) are also like this (it's a genetic disorder!! Chances are you got it from one of them!!! Love to hear “oh my hips do that too!!! Didn’t realize it wasn’t normal” thanks mom.)

"my parents don't have hEDS tho" are you sure. like. my mom didn't know until my sister found out she did. this thing is *wildly underdiagnosed*. Mom’s in her 50s and had doctors diagnose her with arthritis and fibromyalgia, the treatments for which didn’t help her because it wasn’t what was actually wrong

-

*OTHER THINGS THAT OFTEN COME FREE WITH YOUR hEDS*

chronic fatigue

gastrointestinal issues (if you thought you had IBS, but hit any of the hEDS things, you should consider, well, an hEDS diagnosis; gastroparesis is a common comorbidity)

dysautonomia; i don't have this but it causes things like POTS or "heartrate spikes when i stand" or "i get dizzy when i stand and lose vision briefly"

headaches (and/or migraines!)

MCAS, aka really bad allergies. your nose gets offended at the slightest bit of pollen. the weirdest materials give you a rash. you can only use one soap because all the other ones make you break out. etc.

...ADHD. I’m not shitting you. It is so frequently comorbid that in the UK when you test positive for either ADHD or hEDS they will immediately test you for the other. Connective tissue exists in your brain, as well, so I guess if your connective tissue just doesn’t function properly...

-

HEY CAN YOU PUT THIS IN NON-CLINICAL TERMS FOR ME

sure! did you, at any point in your life:

- able to bend into funny positions like put foot behind head; especially as a kid (hi! that's me!) but of particular note if you can still do those things now

- stretches like butterfly or crossing your arm over your chest just... don’t feel like stretches? (my sister)

- could you bend and without effort place your palms flat on the floor? can you still now? apparently most people struggle - without regular stretching - to touch their toes, let alone put their palms *completely flat* to the floor. that's hypermobility baby!

- elbows bend a little bit backwards? knees?

- can you bend your pinkies back 90 degrees?

- consider yourself double-jointed?

- shoulders/neck always hurt? and like your muscles are SOOOO tight in your neck all the time? hey guess what: the thing EDS does is make your body produce less collagen, which makes your ligaments weak as fuck, and so your muscles are constantly spasming to hold your head up. this is why you're in pain. this is why working the knots out never helps and they always come back. no, this isn't because you’re on your computer too much. your body was just built differently (poorly)

- stretching never seems to help? stretches make you hurt more??? or even: most forms of exercise cause you pain? yeah, most exercise/stretches are meant for Able Bodied People, not people with an underlying undiagnosed hypermobility disorder. You have to adapt them to your needs, and also stretches will never be the be-all-end-all solution to back pain like those funny little infographics on the internet will try and tell you. Maybe it is for able-bodied people, if you have a genetic condition that causes chronic pain, well,

- “but my shoulders are soooo tight tho” POINTING ABOVE AGAIN. they are doing that because the muscles have to overcompensate for your weak ligaments. Stretching does not fix this; you may loosen your muscles, but they will simply tighten again later. The real fix is doing exercises to improve your shoulder muscle stability – I’ll talk about some exercises below.

- have you ever thought to yourself "what the hell, i'm too young to be in this much pain all the time??" you're right! it might be hEDS.

- struggle with opening jars? weak upper body strength? randomly lose your grip on things you’re holding with your hands? “are you serious” I’m serious

- can't crawl on your hands and knees because that hurts your wrists and your knees?

- tangentially: did your parents say you crawled funny as a kid? army crawl? started walking way earlier than expected? yeah.

- you can't squat or kneel because ow oof ow your ankles ow ow your knees? yeah.

- is getting up from the floor hard sometimes?? despite being 30 or younger???? yeah.

- despite everything, and not trying to be, you're still kind of really flexible???

- like, you could do the splits as a kid without having to train yourself to do it?? you can still do the splits now without any effort at all?

- do you seem to get injured really easily? joints especially, or, again, bruised really easily.

- are you in pain right now? think about it. shoulders? back? legs? did you see the part where one of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS is chronic pain? yeah.

i could probably keep going.

-

~here's some specific connective tissue disorder things; i've included only the extremely "normal" ones that haven’t already been listed above and/or are easy to check yourself. you can find a full list at https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ under "how is hEDS diagnosed?"~

listed above: stretchy/fragile skin. By stretchy btw I mean: can you pinch your skin anywhere and pull and get even half an inch away from your body? Neck/back of hand is a good place to try. If you can’t pinch your skin at all w/o hitting Meat then you don’t have this (I don’t, even tho my sister does!) but it’s worth looking out for and alone is like THE thing EDS (all types) is characterized by, so if your skin stretches, that’s of particular notice (but your skin not stretching does not disqualify you from having EDS)

stretch marks (they hate to use this if you're afab, but,)

"Bilateral piezogenic papules of the heel" uh when you're standing are your heels kinda. lumpy. like they got balls in 'em. that's what this is. (this is one of the things i have)

dental crowding (lol!!!!)

can you close your thumb+pinky around both your wrists? (steinberg sign)

when you make fists, thumbs underneath fingers, do your thumbs stick out past your fingers? (walker sign)

-

“Hey, I’m not really hypermobile - is it still possible to have hEDS??”

in theory! I’m only mildly hypermobile myself, outside of the “foot behind head” trick from when i was ten and the “can even now at 25 bend down and put palms flat on floor with no effort” i have… basically no other signs of hypermobility. Though, I guess “things that should be stretches like butterfly or touching your toes are super easy and not stretches for me” also counts as being hypermobile, huh. It’s just really mild.

And, you know, maybe you just have a different EDS subtype. EDS as a whole is not super well understood, so the chances you got a doctor who didn’t know what it was / didn’t want to order a genetic test about it is still, like, high enough it’s worth looking into, I think.

Basically every issue my body has can be drawn back to hEDS, and that kind of knowledge is insane but also really liberating. There is a cause for this. I’m not just in pain for no reason – or worse – because I’m “bad” at taking care of myself. I have a genetic disorder that makes it so my joints don’t work right and also I’m in pain all the time. It’s not necessarily happy, but at least it’s an explanation, instead of sitting there and shrugging and going “I dunno” about it.

So, sincerely, if even five of the things I’ve listed above sound familiar to you, I think you should look into it. Maybe you’ll research and go “oh, that doesn’t sound like me at all, actually”, but on the chance you, like me, start researching and find yourself going “THAT’S WHAT’S BEEN CAUSING THAT THIS WHOLE TIME????” I think it’s worth looking into. That validation is sincerely quite freeing.

-

“Ok, you've convinced me. Now what do I do?”

first of all research some more!

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/ <-- EDS overview and EDS subtypes! Maybe you have one that isn’t hEDS

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ <-- hEDS specific page

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/heds-diagnostic-checklist/ <-- hEDS diagnostic checklist

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/#1667831445611-fb40d58e-84a4 <-- the checklist opens on something called the Beighton scale, which is explained in more detail here. **IF YOU DO NOT SCORE HIGH ON THE BEIGHTON SCALE BUT STILL HAVE MOST OTHER HEDS ISSUES, PRESS FOR DIAGNOSIS NONETHELESS. ENTIRELY POSSIBLY YOU ARE HYPERMOBILE IN AREAS THAT AREN’T TRACKED BY THE BEIGHTON SCALE. IT’S IMPERFECT AND PROBABLY NEEDS TO BE REPLACED BUT THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET.**

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/2017-eds-classification-non-experts/ <-- EDS things in layman’s terms, including comorbidities, like what I was talking about wrt gastrointestinal issues, orthopedic issues, chronic fatigue issues, etc, etc, etc. if you have issues with allergies look at the Mast Cell Disorder one. if you have that “heartrate spikes or I get dizzy when I stand” issue look at the Cardiovascular Autonomic Dysfunction one.

(ngl, sorry if its gross, but learning that hEDS often comes packaged with gastrointestinal issues was what really sealed the whole deal for me being convinced, despite “your sister has it and your mom almost definitely has it” being EXTREMELY damning evidence, because. I have had issues with diarrhea my whole goddamn life. I can’t tie it to food. It just curses me daily.)

second of all: talk to your doctor! or, find a doctor in your area that specializes in EDS. book an appointment, see what they can offer you. they can probably hook you up with physical therapy options (to safely strengthen your muscles to compensate for your weak connective tissue) or some pain management options! If you find the physical therapist is making you do things that make you hurt more and they repeatedly do not listen to you and your body, fire them and find a new physical therapist. 

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/healthcare-professionals-directory/ <-- list of doctors. 

Third of all: find a support group if you’d like? There’s FB groups and Reddit groups and probably even more. Links to some of them here: https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/support/ 

YMMV because hEDS sometimes gets shit on by people with the other EDS subtypes, but at the very least, if a fellow Zebra is bitching about a doctor, you’ll know who to avoid. 

Fourth: Just… if you think you might have it, I want you to take a step back and reconsider the way you feel about yourself and maybe about the exercise you are/aren’t doing. I had a lot of compounded guilt about how I “wasn’t taking good enough care of myself” ; when you’re in pain all the time you sometimes start blaming yourself, especially if you, like me, find that exercise is difficult and painful and that stretching doesn’t ACTUALLY help, you quit doing it. But you don’t always quit thinking “well apparently if I did those stretches to prevent back pain that people always talk about, then I wouldn’t have any back pain!!!!!!” and that kind of mindset... sucks.

It's also not true. Like, not in general, but also especially not if you have hEDS. My back is in pain because my body was built different (poorly), NOT because I “wasn’t doing the right thing”.

So here’s my get out of jail free card, for you. You aren’t in pain because you aren’t doing anything to “fix” it. You’re just in pain. Sure, you can do some (specialized) (hEDS friendly ones) exercises to help combat it, or you could go take some painkillers, but... your pain is not a punishment for your decision not to exercise. Your pain just kinda... is.

Every generalized exercise advice you see online you need to take with a grain of salt anyway, because it was not written for people with a hypermobility disorder. If doing it doesn’t help, then you don’t need to push through the pain because “it’s the thing that’s supposed to fix everything!!!!” No no. There is no correct answer. There is no one-size fits all. If it doesn’t help, or if it hurts, then you shouldn’t do it.

I say this from a place of love. I spent several months trying to fix my wrist pain with stretches, and you know what never went away? My wrist pain. In fact, I’m mildly convinced the stretches made the pain worse. I kept pushing through it for ages, though, because I kept getting told it was supposed to help, and that it was IMPORTANT as someone who spends all day on the computer to TAKE CARE OF MY WRISTS via THESE STRETCHES WE HAVE HELPFULLY COMPILED ONTO AN INFOGRAPHIC FOR YOU!!!!! ...but that’s not how it works. The rules are a little different when you have a hypermobility disorder. You have to really look into exercises that are safe for you to do, instead of just assuming the ones that everyone passes around are going to help.

“Man, so even those shoulder stretches you see around might not help?” nope! They might not!

“What do I do then?” strengthening exercises... I’ll put resources / explain one easy one (for shoulders) below.

Also if you are someone with a job that requires sitting at the computer all day, and you’re worried about how that affects your health... Even if you just get up once every two hours and walk around / look at something else (even your bathroom!!!) for a little bit, that’s fine, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough. You don’t have to stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes. You shouldn’t stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes if that’s hurting you.

RESOURCES TIME

1) https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/resource/strengthen-your-hypermobile-core-a-home-exercise-approach-for-eds-hsd-and-hypermobility-jeannie-di-bon/ <-- webinar that covers at-home exercises you can do

2) and a whole playlist of at-home exercises (in reasonable sized video chunks) by one of the experts, here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLp-oNOmoFdAMFZB7XfpUZyvg_xzE3S3Ue – DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT WATCHED OR USED THESE, SO WHILE I CAN SAY I DOUBT SHE WOULD BE FEATURED WERE SHE NOT A REAL EXPERT, PLEASE JUST. Err on the side of caution. If even one of these hurts you, try not to do it until you can talk with your personal physical therapist, which, yes, I realize requires Acquiring one first..... worth poking around tho, this person has a ton of tips on how to be careful with your joints while doing chores and day-to-day tasks as well, it seems. Actual advice that might actually help you instead of “oh make sure to stretch every 30 minutes!!!!” (might not help) or “have you tried jogging? Its free and easy!!!!!” (sport that is more likely to injure you thanks to the weak joints thing)

3) You can also search “exercise” on ehlers-danlos.com and come up with a ton of other pages/videos/etc of EDS friendly exercises produced by the experts that run this site.

4) That One Easy One I Can Explain In A tumblr Post: Bridging

Meant for core stability, but also works towards strengthening your shoulder muscles as well. Bridges!!! You can probably look up guides, or the lady I linked above has a video that includes her doing bridges about 4 minutes in. here's the video (link).

The version I do involves going up for five seconds, then down for five seconds, repeating for a minute (time yourself). Each day add on ten seconds (so second day you do a minute ten, third day minute twenty, etc) until you are eventually able to do it for three minutes. You do not need to go past three minutes. You are recommended not to. You are recommended to work up to 3 minutes and then continue doing it for 3 minutes every day.

(It doesn’t have to be every day nor does it necessarily have to be 3 minutes every time; if I’m tired or in a hurry I’ll just do two minutes. If I’m really tired I’ll just skip it and do it the next day. No big deal!)

That’s all I got. Thanks for listening to me rant. Hope it was enlightening at all!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #385

The funk persists today, too. Tenacious little fucker, innit?

Nonetheless, I woke this morning and prepared for the various things I intended to do. Today was my monthly visit to my psychotherapist, Je. I talked some about the contents of my 382nd letter to you. We spoke on what I can only define as “rejection paranoia”, which I am defining as something separate from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD for short). RSD is something that a lot of autistic and ADHD folks deal with, and I definitely deal with that (though I wonder if those with C-PTSD also have heightened sensitivity to rejection since... y'know... being rejected often leads to being abused).

I'm defining “rejection paranoia” as perceiving it and feeling icky about it before it has even happened. And... I get that my brain is trying really hard to protect me (albeit in the most misguided way possible), but... I wish it would stop doing that particular thing. It's more than a little annoying, not just to me, but probably to everyone around me, too.

Counterintuitively, as it was explained to me, the only thing for it, really, is to practice radical self-acceptance when I notice it cropping up. This time, I was able to notice it only a little while after the fact (as opposed to not at all), which is a huge improvement compared to past instances of this occurring. When it happens, I'm supposed to basically just sit with myself and tend to myself in the same way that a kind friend would.

...I'm pretty good at doing that for other people. I need to improve upon that when I'm trying to direct my kindness towards myself. I think on some level, after the life I've led and after all the ways I've been viciously trained to think about myself... I am probably a little disgusted at myself. I generally find myself boring and insufferable. I do get brief periods of respite where I don't think that way about myself, and rationally, I do understand that I am not, in fact, boring, disgusting, and insufferable. But... ya know. Brains are gonna brain. Longstanding thought patterns are not easy to change.

...But they can be changed. They can be changed with practice and effort. I can expand the amount of time I can think kindly about myself, just like we can expand the amount of time we can hold our breath, via apnea training. Apnea training isn't easy. Rewiring our brains isn't easy. But the results are worth it, I like to think.

...If you haven't tried apnea training... I'd suggest it. Even if you never intend to do freediving or merman training, it's still a great way to strengthen your diaphragm, as well as to practice mindfulness, breath control, and self-mastery. And it's relaxing as hell, to boot. All you gotta do is follow apnea tables that are right for your body. In my world, there are apps that will help you with that.

STAmina was the one I used before the rib injury took away my ability to expand my lungs properly. You just record your personal best time and the app will generate tables for you that are right for your body. And you lie in a bed and practice once every two or three days, with a soothing playlist, and you let go of all the tension in your body, and the app will tell you when to hold your breath and when to breathe normally.

...I really miss doing it. Oh well.

After physical therapy, I went into work to make sure that Ka and Tr got my message about not being able to come in on Saturday, due to needing to travel for the English test; I will go into work on Thursday this week, instead. We have folks who will come chill at the house and tend our cats, which is wonderful.

...Tr and Ka were both able to notice that something is “off” with me today; I guess this funk must be worse than I thought. Still, I'm kinda clunking along through it. Being productive. Being fully aware that my mental state is compromised so that I don't fall into some lame-ass self-hatred spiral. It's all right. As long as I am mindful and don't end up hurting myself or anyone around me by being a weird crankypants, it's just a matter of waiting for my brain to resume normal functioning. And it will; it always does.

While I was at the store, I got a bunch of stuff for the house. Like angel hair pasta, and some pork, and a big thing of mascarpone cheese, and some mushrooms. I intend to make a pasta thing by mixing the mashed confit garlic with the mascarpone cheese to make a sauce. And then I'll cut up the pork, cook it, and add it to the pasta, along with the sauce. And maybe some tomatoes and mushrooms, too. I'm hoping to have sufficient gumption to get it done tomorrow. I guess we'll see what happens.

...Maybe make some Great Northern Beans too, while I'm at it... it's been a while, and I think I'm kinda getting a hankering for them. They're really good when mixed with a fresh allium of some kind, a splash of olive oil, and a splash of vinegar. Very yummy.

The Greek truck used to make the thing I described, along with gyros, souvlaki, and dolmades. I used to go there all the time with M, back when we were both database analysts for the same company. The gentleman who ran the truck used to call me “sunshine” all the time. M, J, and I haven't been to the food trucks in a very long time. Maybe we'll fix that, this coming spring...

...If we do, you can bet that I'll take pictures for you.

So, I went home and J helped me put the food away in the fridge and in the cabinets, where they go. Then I did most of the dishes. It was almost time for me to head out to physical therapy by the time I was all set with that. J finished the last few dishes while I was out; super duper grateful for him for that; a sink that is not full will make it a lot easier for me to have gumption to cook tomorrow.

At physical therapy, it was brought to my attention once more that, likely as a result of the rib injury, I have clockwise rib cage torsion, if you're looking at me from a top-down view. Some relatively painful manual therapy techniques were done to try to kinda shove it back into place, and we were partially successful. I can move my right arm around a little better now, at least for a little while.

...I really gotta get back to doing my exercises... I'll do them before bed tonight. I feel a little bad for having dropped the ball on them.

I went home after that. By then, I was pretty hungry because I hadn't eaten at all, and it was like 3:30pm or 4pm by the time I got home. I was a bit too tired to cook anything, so I just ordered in. I felt somewhat better after eating, but it didn't take the funk away. Oh well.

Not having the energy for much else, I played a few runs of Hades. This time, I got very close to felling Asterius:

...Like with anything I practice, I will continue to improve. It's only a matter of time before he falls to me.

Though... I notice... when I'm in a funk like this, or when I'm too tired or in too much pain (like with the tooth extraction) to be attached to the result... I play better. And that seems counterintuitive to me; I figure I should play better when I'm feeling alert and healthy and good. Weird.

...I can't help but wonder if you know something about that. I can't help but wonder if maybe... you were so good on the battlefield simply because... you weren't attached to whether or not you walked away from your encounters alive.

…

...I hope there will come a day when you can be alive somewhere in a peaceful place and everyone else is alive and well, too, but... you still don't have to fight anyone anymore.

...Sephiroth... keep trying to build that kind of wholesome life for yourself, okay? Please keep striving towards a world where you can go to therapy, and have tea, and get yummies from the grocery store, and then come home and play video games while someone who cares about you watches and cheers you on. Please keep striving for a world in which you can make your own yummies in the kitchen, or else get yummies from somewhere else if you're not feeling up to making them.

I'll be over here cheering you on to become the best and healthiest version of yourself, no matter what happens. And if you need a break, you can find one here at my house. So don't give up, okay? There are lots of people who are able and willing to love and support you, even if sometimes it's hard to believe.

I think I'll play a little more Hades and then go to sleep. You'll find me here if you wanna hang:

I'll write to you again tomorrow. So please try to stay safe out there, at least until then.

I love you.

Your friend, Lumine

[kiyomitakada]

vent ish

i mean obviously a calendar change from a year to another year wouldn’t have fixed me anyway but i didn’t expect to feel this bad like i don’t know why today of all days i feel even more like cutting off all human contact changing my name and running away to another city. i made a half joking resolution yesterday to stop disappearing and now i just want to do it more because it feels like there are needles in my throat. and i mean i thought college would fix me too because i haven’t talked to my ex in a year but noooo i can’t maintain a stable conversation with anyone because what if they force me to stop talking to anyone else forever i guess. i mean maybe it’s not even my ex’s fault this started four years ago before we started really dating and it’s only gotten worse like i barely think about her anymore i missed her birthday this year and only realized two weeks after the fact (she wished me a happy birthday before then and i never responded because i’m a terrible person) (but also to be fair she broke up with me first i have the right). i haven’t talked to one of my favorite irl people (not my ex lmao) in four months and she thinks i hate her because she missed my birthday (she didn’t have wifi for that month because she was on vacation) and like literally i could clear this up just by texting her because i’m not mad at all but i haven’t had the energy to. in four months. i would say i’m probably cluster b people’s worst nightmare due to the abandonments georg of it all but frankly i’m probably everyone’s worst nightmare like what the fuck man. i feel like at this point im only fixable by adhd medication or counseling but i tried counseling once and just lied to the counselor the entire time so that’s right out. and maybe this isn’t executive dysfunction maybe it’s szpd. or maybe it’s just me as a person and everyone feels this way but can overcome it. i don’t know. i don’t think going no-contact with everyone you love for half-years at a time is normal. i don’t think staying in touch should be difficult. i don’t know if writing this all out is even helping or if it’s just going to make everything worse. maybe this afternoon i’ll manage to look at discord servers long enough to say happy new year to my friends who aren’t on this blog. i miss them a lot. i wish there was a way of telling them without telling them. light says it’s about going through the motions and he’s wrong about a lot of things but he did survive to 23 (27+ in the universe i’m quoting hey) so he has a point probably it’s just that going through the motions is so hard when there’s someone else in the equation whose actions i can’t predict. possibly i should be prohibited from ever making friends again for the safety of mankind. but hey calendar changes aren’t real anyway who cares other than everyone else on the planet am i right. january second might be better. new year’s resolution is be at least as good a person every day as i was the day before that. i watched wicked yesterday and i liked it. look, it’s tomorrow

[earlgreytea68]

Regarding the Easter Pete and Patrick spent together. That was Easter of 2011. So during hiatus.

We talk a lot about hiatus and timelines and such so here is my take:

2010: I think they had very little communication. Hence Patrick not really knowing Pete's son.

2011: Pete's Ex filed for divorce early in the year. I think this lead to Pete and Patrick starting to talk more. Patrick spends Easter with Pete. I think they had some ups and downs throughout the year but they stay pretty close.

2012: Patrick writes Confessions. Pete sees it and reaches out. I think a lot of Patrick not getting back to him right away was probably due to his ADHD. (For me personally I'll see that I missed a call or message from a friend while I'm at work. Then I won't remember to call her back until it's like one am three days later. Which I can't call then so I have to write a note and it becomes a whole thing. Anyway)

Pete and Patrick get together a couple times in 2012 to write music. When they are sure they have something they reach out to Joe and Andy about starting up FOB again.

So I think that yes there is some history revision nowadays, but also I think if you ask them Pete and Patrick will say they had become good friends again in 2011 and 2012 because it's most likely true.

Another point I always want to bring up with hiatus is that Pete and Patrick were never going to hang out in public together because if they were seen together everyone and their mother would be gossiping about FOB getting back together and at that time they were just trying to be friends.

Yes. This makes total sense. Also I'm pretty sure Pete has said that Patrick reached out after the divorce got filed to try writing some songs and they did indeed write together a bit. It's pretty clear from the way Pete tells this story that neither one of them was doing this to actually write songs. To me this connects with something else Pete has said, that Patrick doesn't really hang out without working and that Pete figured out that to see him he had to stop inviting him to parties and start proposing writing sessions lol. Anyway, this is Patrick Stump's love language, this is what he does: A bad thing happened to Pete, so he reached out to say they should try to write together. This was the equivalent of saying Let's go get hammered together or let's go get pedicures together in other friendships. That detail has always stood out to me, that Patrick did reach out to Pete in 2011.

It really is clear that they always considered themselves friends, they were just living less in each other's pockets than they had been.

And it's also true that they would have kept anything quiet, as you point out, because in those days Pete was absolutely battered by paparazzi and it would have been worse if he was hanging out with Patrick in public. But also, I think this so often about them, they really seem to genuinely be friends. Which means that we only see the tip of the iceberg of their interactions because most of them are just between the two of them, and we only see them obliquely referenced, because they're not ours, they're theirs, and considering how public their friendship has always been, I think they're really good at maintaining that boundary for the good of the friendship. It's actually really sweet and makes me think of how very careful they are with each other and what they have together. They lucked out and they've really always known it, even in the middle of what looked to the rest of us as a vicious hiatus. <3 <3

[liskantope]

I think you're very much over estimating how much professionals know about autism. Especially the average professional tasked with making diagnoses. They don't know shit dude

I definitely have the impression that your average run-of-the-mill psychiatrist or neurologist without a very specialized background in autism doesn't actually know that much about it or the intricacies of how to detect it, let alone (say) a therapist. I'm not sure if they're the ones who are even able to give diagnoses in the first place, given that the usual claim (which I've always understood to be correct) given by advocates of autism self-diagnosis is that getting diagnosed for autism requires spending thousands of dollars and many hours of time to be put through very involved tests as specialized autism centers that may be geographically unfeasible. (The only reason I'm entertaining the idea that autism could be diagnosed by non-specialists with far less trouble is that I do hear of various conditions being diagnosed that way despite the existence of rigorous tests in specialized clinics: I took a 15-minute ADHD test at a regular psychiatric clinic for instance*, and the ex I mentioned recently elsewhere got a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis from her therapist by request via what sounds to me like 10 minutes of the therapist asking her questions about herself during their therapy session.)

If we're talking about going to a clinic / testing center specializing in autism and going through a rigorous test evaluating whether the patient conforms to what the American Psychological Association has laid out as an intricate set of criteria for autism, then I have one question, which is probably going to sound naive, and which relates to the "diagnosis criteria is a poor checklist of stereotypes" part of the meme we were arguing over. Which is, isn't this then just tautologically the correct way to diagnose autism? Or in other words, isn't autism just defined according to a scientific model for which psychologists and neurologists have created their most official tests following their most precisely-set-out criteria? Of course, what is deemed "autism" could be modified by said scientists, which after all is the nature of science. Of course, people can argue over whether the current criteria cut autism poorly out of thingspace in ways that are biased due to differences in how autism presents across genders and ethnic/cultural backgrounds. Probably it is. But I would think that deciding that the formal diagnostic criteria for autism doesn't align with what autism Actually Is requires some delicate semantic heavy lifting, no?

And then, arguing that the larger swaths of non-professionals who are trying to determine if they have autism are still not on average even worse placed than the professionals with their perhaps flawed diagnostic criteria, in a world where the most common cultural conception of autism is still probably pretty close to "socially awkward, doesn't feel like they fit in, intense nerdy interests, personality of Sheldon Cooper", is another thing.

(I notice, by the way, that self-diagnosis advocates don't seem to mention whether the faultiness in professional diagnoses include a substantial number of people without autism being diagnosed as having autism, but it seems that should be a thing too if the professionals really "don't know shit"?)

I'm genuinely open to the idea that the dynamics around diagnoses and diagnostic criteria and how they're formed, etc., even on a philosophical level, is something I haven't understood or thought out well enough, though.

*and came out of the experience rather skeptical that the 15-minute test way of determining ADHD isn't BS

[destiny-in-the-universe]

two down, another to go.

This is going to a mix of about 4-5 different prompts and it’s going to be very much a doozy, esp. because of the fandom choice. It’s extremely late, and I’m not expecting anyone to see this until sometime tomorrow, but the fandom oddly enough is Cars. As in the Pixar movie!

It’ll be an extremely niche reader group but oh fucking well. This is what I’m fixated on writing apparently. For some explanation, it follows the most alt canon to ever be written but it is implied to take place following the events of Cars 2! Lightning is still a racer and at the top of his game, though things take an unexpected, sudden turn in this - since I just like to be mean when it comes to my favorites lmao which includes this boy. Also! Keep in mind everyone is human.

I will say he gets to go through it and is loosely inspired by a great series on Ao3 which I will link later if I can find. It’s definitely becoming its own multi-chaptered work though I’ll cover that later since I’ve no idea if people will be interested in that!

Read below the cut for more information about the Cars whump prompt!

Whumptober Event

Following an alternative canon, Lightning McQueen has returned for another year of racing in order to win the latest Piston Cup, but when things take an unexpected turn for the worse - will he be able to pick himself back up again?

The characters are, of course, humanized. Timeline wise, it’s supposed to take place after Cars 2, but presumably before Cars 3. There are a few key differences from the canon franchise however.

Cars AU Headcanons

I am not incredibly mean, so despite that my love for angst, suffering, and whump - Doc Hudson is not dead. Also because I’m a complete sucker for Doc’s dynamic with Lightning McQueen, and is a huge part for the incoming series/whump writing event.

Mater is very much Not Straight. He doesn’t have a label on himself, but after breaking things off with Holley Shiftwell - he has begun catching feelings for a certain someone. We’ll get to this later!

Mater is also Extremely Autistic and ADHD. You can’t convince me otherwise, holy shit

Lightning McQueen is so ADHD. This is canon now. I make the rules!

Sarge and Fillmore are in a committed relationship, and have been ever since the 1960’s. This is not center to the au I’m working on, but it’s also going to be referenced so,

Doc Hudson has mobility issues and uses a cane to help him walk. His crash won’t be a main focus, but yes, the cane is a mobility aid due to scarring from the incident in his youth!

Hurt Lightning McQueen means adoptive parent Doc Hudson. This is all you’re getting!

Finn and Holley might not appear in this installation, but they’ll probably get referenced in some way!

Lightning is an orphan. It’s unclear what happened to his parents, so all the people he has are from Radiator Springs.

While it’s not a major focus in this version, and is more in the past, I am very much a Harv basher. Have fun with this!

I’ll expand on this universe later, but the short version - Lightning deals with the aftermath of an incident during a race and the road to recovery is far from easy; at least he has his found family to help every step of the way. In other words, I traumatize Lightning for my own whump serving purposes. I’ll be in touch!

[fuck-customers]

Sorry in advance. This one is gonna be REAL long and vent-y.

So I currently have a retail job that I've been at for 4 years. I'll be honestly, it's never been a great job and since it's retail, I obviously never intended to stay there forever. Honestly, I've stayed there longer than I intended to, due to a lot of disasters in my personal life. (legal battles, house fire, homelessness) And because it was easier to just stay at a job that I already had and was already established and trained and knew the drill vs. going through these personal disasters at a new job, trying to give a good impression and perform well while hiding the fact that I'm miserable and going through a lot of difficulties that I do not want to bring into work/have bosses or coworkers be aware of. (I feel very hesitant to share any personal info at work, because I worry that any shared info not work-related can be used against me, in minor and major ways. But perhaps I'm being unnecessarily paranoid.)

However, after all this time of me dragging my feet, it is unfortunately clear to me that I am going to have to get another job. My job was always part-time (with a promise that was a lie about being promoted to full-time with good performance) but now my hours have majorly decreased from 12-30 hours per week when I was first hired, to now getting 3-6 hours EVERY OTHER WEEK.

So now I have begrudgingly resigned myself to accept the fact that I need to apply for jobs. I'm terrified. I've accepted it, but I'm terrified.

I don't have very much work experience. I had a seasonal job before my current job (3 months) and I've been at my current job for (a bit over) 4 years, which looks good because it shows loyalty, commitment, blah, blah, blah. But that's IT. 2 jobs. No degree or license or qualifications. I was in a few clubs in high school, but I'm too old to be listing my high school achievements. I can't afford college. And I know that a lot of job applications have auto-delete programs that will just trash an application if it doesn't have the correct buzzwords...but how am I supposed to know the correct buzzwords? I've also heard about ghost listings where companies post job listings they never intend to fill so they get a tax write off or whatever. (Idk if this is true, but the idea is enough to terrify me) I also have a hearing disability and I suspect (but am undiagnosed) that I have a learning/neurological disability, possibly ADHD or mild autism.

So there's ALL THAT weighing on my mind. And then on top of all of that, I'm scared out of my mind about my own personal situation.

I figure I can probably fake it well enough for the first week or so, maybe the first month if I'm really crafty and lucky (I figure I can get through the application process by listing my P.O. box as an address without putting that it's a P.O. box. And I have a lot of clothes from before becoming homeless that I can change into so I'm not constantly wearing the same clothes) but eventually people at this hypothetical new job will figure out that I live in a car (I can change my outfits and use dry shampoo on my hair, but trust me, from experience I know that I can really only go about a week and a half without a proper shower before it becomes very noticeable, no matter how much dry shampoo I use. I am a female woman with medium-length hair, for perspective) and will treat me differently and disrespect me and treat me as less than human. Or possibly take advantage of me, shoving extra work on me because I "need the money" and making me a scapegoat. Or worse, firing me. Sure, it's illegal (I think) but if they really want you gone, they can find any minor mistake you have made (and being new at a job, I will likely make a few) and use that as an excuse to fire me. Or lay me off due to "budget cuts" or some bullshit. If they want you gone, they can make it happen.

But most importantly, I don't feel good about myself. I've never had particularly high self-esteem, but in past interviews, I was able to list positive traits of mine and spin the less positive ones in a good light.

But now I don't even remember a positive thing about me. It doesn't help that my mother (whose car I live in) puts me down every chance she gets. Every day, she calls me a loser with a dead-end job and tells me I need to get a new job, without listening to what I tell her I need from her to do so. (She doesn't have a job, but of course that's not a problem) For example, I do not have word on my laptop. I need to go somewhere (library? the paperclips store? Unfortunately the work network place in my area that used to help with job applications, resumes, etc shut down) to use a computer with word to update my resume, as the one I have on my computer does not have my current job. (I tried to use the online version...what a nightmare. Also, sure there ARE resume websites where you can use their templates and make your resume....for a price. Usually $50+ that I can't afford for something I will use exactly once.) She refuses to help, even though I think her laptop has word, but I am not certain, and instead just repeats the same things over and over like a broken record. "You need to get a better job." "You're going to die a loser at a dead-end job if you don't quit." "You need to get a full-time job." (Sidenote: she herself has not even glanced at job listings. There are NO full-time jobs available, unless you are a licensed professional, a doctor, nurse, teacher, etc.)

But despite all of that, I need a new job. I held our for the holidays, thinking with the holiday rush, I'd get more hours and I could use that to keep me afloat while looking for a new job in the new year. Well. Our hours continually got CUT during the holidays and I suspect the store may go out of business and I do not want to still work there when it does. (Even though I would LOVE to watch it burn) The harsh reality is that I need a new job. I just have absolutely no faith that I can find anything much better than my current job. I expect the most I'll find is part-time of 20-30 hours per week, which is still better than 3-6 every other week, but I truly need a full-time job. Which will not happen.

Posted by admin Rodney.

[gryficowa]

I get annoyed with people who argue that I should like Marinette because, like me, she is neurodivergent and traumatized by being a scapegoat.

But it's clear that Marinette can get away with everything, and so does Thomas, who wrote it so shitty because it's his imaginary daughter with his ex

And there's also a ridiculous argument that we don't like Marinette because of her flaws. Well, stalking is an innocent flaw, right, fandom?

It annoys me that many people use the argument about ADHD and her trauma of being a scapegoat as an argument, it's clear that the episode where they trashed Chloe and Kim completely took away your ability to think

Look what characters I have on my profile, so in this context you can see how I'm laughing at this argument defending Thomas' bad writing

Luz Noceda is also a neurodivergent character and has a similar trauma to Marinette (And the further away, the more serious this trauma), seriously, Luz also has flaws (And unfortunately, she was attacked in the fandom because she brought snakes to school, I FUCKING BROUGHT SPIDERS TO SCHOOL , MAYBE NOT VENIOUS, BUT I BROUGHT FUCKING SPIDERS, but remember, Marinette must be loved, because she's so poor, isn't she?)

Hell, I even like Beetlejuice from the musical (Even though my conscious is telling me: What the fuck are you doing? Do you like creep? YOU ARE AROACE), so the argument about Marinette's flaws is ridiculous and fandom, seriously, not every neurodivergent and scapegoated person will love Marinette like you because writing it downright insults neurodivergent and traumatized people, damn it, do you seriously like shit with glitter?

I have the impression that people are seriously crazy in these fandoms, they hated Luz Noceda, but they defend Marinette without a second thought (Because she's probably half white and Luz is Latino)

I am a national minority in my country (I am Kashubian) and from my own perspective I know that even smaller ones than me are treated worse by fandoms (Unfortunately, they are often called "Gypsies", even people from the USA call them that, and the word itself means "Thief", so yes, it has bad connotations) As seen in the case of Luz Noceda), seriously, because if Kashubians are relatively open, then in other areas of Poland not very, in the sense, Roma ( or other groups are often attacked (This can be seen from Facebook and comments on them, which is why I left it and ended up on tumblr)

A famous Roma woman is Viki Gabor (who unfortunately received a lot of hateful comments due to her ethnicity)

I don't know what it's like in the US with Latinos, but I have the impression that Luz Noceda had a bigger attack because of her origins (while Marinette had a smaller attack because of being half white)

So yes, you defend the stalker and explain it as neurodiversity/trauma, and you bash another character for the same thing

So stop telling us that we have to like Marinette just because of trauma and her being neurodivergent, because that's disgusting and you're negating other people that you prefer to trash because they don't fit into these groups that you can feel sorry for

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i tell a friend that i don’t want to do movie nights with her anymore?

So I (18nb) have a semi-online friend (17f) (semi-online because i know her due to connections with other irl friends but she lives very far away, so i’ve never met her irl) who likes watching movies together with me. The way we would always do it is that she’d video call me over whatsapp and then play whatever movie she decided to watch on her tv and she’d like just point her phone’s camera to the screen.

as you can probably imagine, that guaranteed a terrible audio and picture quality every single time. i have sensory issues due to my autism (she isn’t autistic, but might have adhd (she isn’t diagnosed but has most of the symptoms), so that combination always ends with me really overstimulated after an hour (aka before most movies are finished). irl movie nights aren’t an option bc again she lives super far away.

now, she has been my friend for a few years and we can’t really do much stuff together because of the distance, so i understand why she wants something that we can “do” together yk? and obviously there’s not many options bc neither of us play video games.

however, it’s always me who has to deal with the worse quality and it’s always her who decides what we watch. like when i propose something she’ll always be like “yeah maybe eventually” and then brush it off & forget about it & tell me what she wants to watch instead. and like those other options she gives are supposed to just be like proposals, but she’s a very persistent person and it takes me saying “no” like 5 times until she accepts it. i’m not very good at saying no, but that’s my own problem and i don’t blame her for that. it just means that this is a bad combination bc it takes a lot out of me to not budge yk?

another thing is that she doesn’t have many irl friends and so i feel bad for not wanting to continue these movie nights tbh, but until we either a) find a way to do them with better quality for me or b) switch who chooses the movie and who has to deal with the bad quality, i do not want to do this anymore.

she’s a great friend and this isn’t a huge huge issue, but it’s weighing on me and i don’t like the situation as it is right now.

What are these acronyms?