#probably that's part of the reason im so scared of being myself and shit

[autisticshadowthehedgehog]

im gonna preface this with i KNOW that it’s stupid. i KNOW that it’s dumb and pointless and ultimately in the grand scheme of the world it’s not gonna amount to anything. i know in ten years- hell, probably ten weeks- i’m gonna look back on this and cringe at how much i cared about something so insignificant and silly. that doesn’t mean that NOW i don’t feel like shit. cause right now it feels like the end of the world and no amount of logic and reason is going to change how i feel. KNOWING that this is due to autism, clinical anxiety, and my period being set to start soon doesn’t make my brain calm down. it just makes me mad at myself for wanting to cry over something stupid. all that to say. i’m so, so scared that the third sonic movie is going to be bad. i feel like i’ve been the positive person about it for MONTHS, maybe years at this point, and i feel like i’m hyping myself up as well as everyone else. so it makes me feel like it’ll be my fault if people don’t like the movie. i KNOW that i had no part in making it and putting so many of my emotions on a fucking kids’ movie is ridiculous when there are, not to be cliche, SO many more important things to worry about on this planet. maybe it’s because i had a breakdown on election day and so now i’m doom-spiraling. but like. i guess my fuckign hyperfixation on comfort media is the only thing keeping me afloat until i can get out of this shithole, IF i even can. which i know is stupid and bad but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to sob at work. and i know that it doesn’t matter so don’t fucking tell me that. i get it. i’ll probably delete this post in an hour and pretend it didnt happen because it’s embarrassing and childish but i just need to get my feelings out before i explode on someone.

my fuckign happiness shouldnt be riding on a kids’ movie that we all KNOW is gonna make massive changes from the source material. it really shouldn’t. and i’ll have something else to care about in a week. but god.

im about to have a mental breakdown

[hzrnvm]

emotional. happy, pissed off, all that.

[hollowblxxd]

[ AU / Speculation for me ] [ I CAN FIX IT .... NOT FOR YOU ]

Okay so because I am a man who hates to see things end badly Im here writing a sort of... fanfiction for myself that cleanse up the mess of Mouthwashing. No disrespect to the whole game but this is my thoughts Some warning for mature subjects and obviously possible spoilers for Mouthwashing!

Basically I thought about the idea of Jimmy being dealt with before he could complete his plan against the crew and it all stems from the idea that there's actually a secret cryopod on the ship. We see only 4 in the main part but there's 5 people on board, which even if you want to argue Pony Express doesn't give a shit, I think its somewhat reasonable to assume that should there be an emergency there would in fact be enough cryopods for everyone to get into so that a potential crew can be saved. This secret cryopod is obviously ONLY used in the case of an emergency and is ONLY known to exist by the captain. Aka Curly. Curly realizes that Jimmy is getting too unhinged and crossing far more lines than hes ever seen him do before. Though Curly fears and cares for his unfortunately stupidly manipulative friend, he realizes he has to take action against Jimmy to ensure no harm comes to the remaining crew. So Curly basically tricks Jimmy into thinking that he's going to be revealing a secret to Jimmy, something only "a captain and his co-pilot can know" before taking Jimmy to this secret cryopod. Since technically having a "potential psychological unsound person" on board DOES class as an emergency and with no "brig" available for holding, Jimmy is put in there. His last moments is Curly's well deserved "betrayal." Thus now Jimmy is a festering sleeping mess inside the cryo-chamber, grinding thru a horrific nightmare where he gets his revenge on Curly, where he gets control of the ship while spiralling further and further into outright INSANITY in some jacob's ladder style purgatory as his mental state is forever stuck "coping" with his anger, his guilt, his fear, his hatred, his selfishness and so on and so forth. Basically everything that happens in the events of Mouthwashing is a already crazy's man nightmare-ish delusion as he awaits judgement day, aka the time when he leaves the pod and has to face the justice he deserves. Meanwhile with Jimmy put away in hold, the crew get a chance to breath. Jimmy overbearing nature eases everyone tension and though it was a hard decision it was a well made one. Its not all perfect however because Anya takes all of this quite hard feeling guilty that it got this far. She does attempt to end her life which she is luckily saved from by Curly and the rest of the crew. Since Anya is now sick, Daisuke has to take over acting as Nurse, following Curly and Anya instructions on how to make this all easier. Anya is safe around Daisuke and his bright optimistic personality is really fitting for a nurse, never once does she feel ashamed or scared and for once feels a sense of relief and freedom. Her commenting that Daisuke would make a good nurse which Daisuke takes to heart since he still obviously struggling to find "what hes good at" Curly temporarily takes up the role of being an engineer with Swansea since, Curly as the lovely captain SHOULD know his ship inside and out too and hey, even as a bonus, he may even show Swansea how to steer a ship. This ends up with Curly and Swansea having a good man to man bond. In the end, Anya recovered free from her abuse and regains her personality and happiness, Daisuke discovers his passion for medical work happily taking college recommendation from Anya, Swansea learns a bit about riding a ship and thinks "hey I could probably do good as a space trucker" and Curly also detached himself from the parasite that is Jimmy who constantly been trying to drag him down! So there, I fixed it. But not for him.

[suffarustuffaru]

The fanbase is scaring me, the redesigns brought up some weird people that are REALLY passionate about Liliana being half naked

Like theres a whole war going on on twitter rn and the poor character designer got harassed

My problem is with the amount of people upset with this, like i knew we had a bunch of pedos around because of the way tappei writes the girls, but damn i didnt think there were this many of them 💀

yes ive heard about that....... im answering your ask late oops haah but i hope the situations a Bit better..... the toxic parts of this fandom give me a headache but my usual motto is to stay off twitter, touch grass, ignore people, and then hold onto my own viewpoints unless proven wrong alsjdflsdj but like. yeah this fandom is a bit tough to stay in when it comes to certain circles (for example the amount of people low quality shitposting / ranting about the fandom or whatever on rezero ao3 atm in the past days/weeks is. mm. interesting). not my first time being in larger fandoms that make you sometimes feel like youre fighting in the trenches (you could name off a few big fandoms notorious for being toxic that date back to like 2016 and odds are ive been in a couple lajdlf) but yeah seeing people complain about liliana and capella's designs and then overly fixate on emilia's boobs when these three characters have more to bring to the table than just that and theres lots and lots of good things to say about the s3 trailer and their designs..... mm. yeah. im squinting hard at a few of the things ive heard on that. but anyway!!

like the new designs are an Improvement. In General. like ok, as a boob haver myself ("boob haver" is the funniest phrase to me alsdjfls but it is true nonetheless, i am one) i do not give a shit about emilias larger boobs like ok?? her boobs are bigger?? she is still my fav ever and sometimes it just happens when youre still a growing teen/young adult and emilias back to her more revealing main outfit when she wore a different outfit in s2 so the difference in chest size is really not that much. but liliana and capella? those are Improved designs. i think ive talked abt the treatment of underage characters / characters who appear underage on my blog before (and i definitely couldve worded myself better then but i stand behind the fact that some of the stuff otsuka and tappei do regarding this in rezero is just Unnecessary).

could designs like emilia's still be improved on in other ways? yeah 100%, just in the sense that there could probably be changed a bit to fit her slightly more timid and soft spoken personality. or you could take different directions on it in general if you wanted. ive seen some great redesigns of her main outfit!! though her main outfit in of itself is pretty nice to look at imo and its iconic and well-known for a reason. im of the personal opinion that i wish it was a little less revealing in the same vein that her s2 main outfit was (i like that outfit a lot!!) but its still a really solid design overall.

i had some faith after seeing the anime designers fix up typhoon's original design to be More Appropriate, and i love how the essence of liliana and capella's designs were kept the same. like its not just that theyre a little less revealing (and even then, theyre both still showing a lot of skin!!! which is good!!! i like the improvement while keeping the main stuff the same), but stuff like liliana's pants aren't transparent (probably to make it easier to animate?) and the yellow/orange gradient in capella's hair looks great!! they also both look more like grown women which is a bonus. unless youre Weird about this shit which is unfortunately a small percentage of the rezero community. like you cant win with those sort of people ig, bc capella's boobs are bigger too ljasdlfj youd think that win more people over.

also i appreciate capella's sports bra bc unlike elsa's outfit it Actually looks like it's supporting her chest. if youre someone with boobs and you dont have a flat chest, youre gonna need support when being active or itll Hurt. and elsa Does Not have proper chest support okay. ill forever wince remembering elsa's design in that sense HAH....

anyway but i digress. i got no clue what to do with toxic people in fandoms despite spending a lot of time lurking in large fandoms with loud toxic people haah.... its hard to do much about it especially with increasingly declining media literacy rates everywhere.... the notorious misogyny/homophobia/etc that can happen sometimes in anime communities.... that sort of thing. i kinda just avoid it when it comes to rezero in specific, or briefly talk about it on here, or rant about it to myself in my head or chat with pals about it in private if it really frustrates me that much!! and id say im a pretty patient person hah... im not frustrated often. and the fandom is not all weird people of course and i can attest to that as ive chatted with a lot of people here... ive also seen a lot of people leave due to the fandom's Issues which is. totally fair tbh.

and i think rezero is often a "baby's first fandom" so to speak... i dont mean that in a bad way of course but its more like its the first exposure to fandom and fandom etiquette and fic etiquette and that sort of thing when it comes to english circles. or at least its a pattern ive noticed, so my theory is that that occasionally that combines with toxic fans and then you get a few people complaining about the community and how bad our fics are on rezero ao3 ig lajdlfjsdlf. which is false by the way :<< and an annoying misuse of ao3 as a free creative archive :<<

but ultimately i hope the rezero character designer's alright (and honestly theyve done super super great work - like the anime Did Not need to give emilia a bajillion outfits and go above and beyond with improving liliana, capella, giving the suwens and their hometown a whole unique aesthetic, etc). and also while i have stuff to criticize with otsuka and tappei... and the toxic parts of the fandom hah... i still enjoy rezero apart from that and the uproar with the designs has not chipped away at me too much!! ive been in this fandom long enough i guess lmao i just roll with punches at this point T^T but i also just try to look on the bright side a lot in general so ;-;;;

these are the sorts of things i like to be aware about but i dont like to get myself super involved with it (since itll probably make it worse and/or make me stressed for no good reason lmfaoo) and i wont let it enjoy the parts of rezero that i do enjoy a lot (which is to say like. the other 98% of rezero hah). so. getting off twitter is the biggest godsend i promise lajdlsfj.

but anyway!! yeah i dont have much organized thoughts on all of this, this is just me rambling my feelings on it. hope this all makes sense anon <3

[kenthenugget]

Dear Watcher....

This is going to be about the youtube channel Watcher and a recent video that they released earlier today, so if you dont watch the channel, or older content produced by Ryan, Shane and Steven at Buzzfeed, this is not going to make sense to you. This only going to be for those who are a fan of Watcher, or are fans of Buzzfeed Unsolved so if you are, that's great!

Earlier today, I got a video notifcation from the channel titled, "goodbye youtube", and it was definitely not something I wanted to see. There is a recent trend this year of youtubers retiring or taking a break this year and I was scared this was that scenario. And it kind of was but way worse. Basically, the guys over at Watcher are going to be posting on their new streaming service called....Watcher. And, no, it is not a late April Fools joke, that's actually what their doing. Initially, I was in a state of shock after I watched through the entire video. I, no joke, went through the 5 stages of grief upon viewing this announcement and was thrown through a loop to where I struggled to focus on sketching one of my comic pages. So much so that I actually made a deviant blog post about it the moment I finished watching the video (most of the content from this post will be copied and pasted from that blog so declaimer I guess). After having some time to absorb this information, I have to say that Im really disappointed with the guys over at Watcher. Like Im not mad to where Im completely done with their content but.......WHY!?

I think at this point in time that a lot of people, myself included, are burnout with the whole streaming boom we've had for the past 5 years in no part thanks to those greedy bastards at Disney....but thats another story. I miss the days when there were only 2 to 3 main streaming services and not 5 billion other services that you need to buy in order to watch a show you like that was on Netflix but it now locked behind a pay wall. Streaming services used by a novelty concept but are now not looked upon in the best light. So for the them to announce a streaming service now is definitely a bad look, especially because the content before was free to access. I feel like creators will always have an uphill battle when it comes to content that was initially free being locked behind a paywall, because you're potentially isolating your audience and bringing up the question of weather your audience if loyal enough to give you money to enjoy your content. Now, like I said, I love and respect the people at Watcher, but I dont know if I'm willing to take money out of my wallet to watch the next season of Ghost Files. Especially in this economy, where in some parts of the country a big mac now costs 20 fucking dollars, and with inflation going out of control.

Now its not like I don't understand why they're doing this. Ever since its founding in 2019, Watcher has always had troubles with money, with most of their shows not being profitable enough to make ends meet (I know that sounds bs because most of their vidoes get millions of views but this is coming from one of the founders Steven, in an update video from a while ago so idk, views probably mean jack shit in the grand scheme of things). And the fact that they started around the pandemic didn't help things either. Unlike Buzzfeed, Watcher is a much smaller company so any loss that happens is felt much more than if it was a larger one. In the video itself, they mentioned that most of their money came through youtube ads and sponsorships, which, while alright if you're an independent creator, may not be enough for a company. And then there's the fact that YouTube can remove or demonetize videos out of nowhere and for the dumbest reasons so its not a very stable sight to base your income off of. So I can understand why they felt moving on from YouTube was a good idea. But..........I think there were better ways of going about it than creating their own fucking streaming service. Like, in one of their update vidoes, they said most of their shows werent making ends meet so maybe cutting back on the production of said shows to make them not as expensive to produce would be a good solution. In their announcement vid, they talked about wanting to maintain their high production value for their shows without going under but (and I dont mean this to slight them) I dont think they understand why they popped off in the first place. For me, Im not watching Ghost Files or Mystery Files for high production value and fancy graphics, Im there for Ryan and Shane. Same reason I loved Buzzfeed Unsolved, which compared to those shows is much more bare bones. I get wanting to step up your production value from what you had at Buzzfeed but if you have budget out in certain places which would entail having a season that doesnt look as good as the previous season, that's completely fine. Im sure me and the rest of fans wouldn't have minded a downgrade because at the end of the day, the fancy sets and graphics are window dressing to why we're truly watching.

I also thinking letting us know ahead of time would've possibly softened the blow. Watcher is in a very interesting situation because there's a much closer relationship between them and their customer base as opposed to traditional companies. So they really could've been like "hey! We're thinking about having future content be on our own streaming service because doing business through YouTube is fucking us over. What do you guys think?". One explanation as to why they waited until now instead of a few months ago when this idea was sparked could've been because they knew they would get backlash and they were going ahead with the streaming service idea regardless of fan input, which might be the reason. But if that's the case, they probably would've had the comments and likes disabled from the start. Right before I started typing this, I checked the video to see if the comments were disabled and they are thankfully still there. Im someone who always wants to see the good in people (which is definitely a character flaw of mine and while defiently lead to me being at the end of an abusive relationship........another abusive relationship but lets not go there), so I think this might be the case of Ryan, Shane and Steven, thinking the streaming service was a good idea and not reading the room properly.

At this point, Im hoping that they dont do things that could make this situation 10 times worse: a) removing the existing content (Mystery Files, Puppet History, etc) off the youtube channel and having it on their streaming service. If you are going to have new seasons of those shows behind a paywall, at least have that content still up for those who want to support but cant purchase the service......b) respond to the critism in a negative way. I think things would be made worse if they lumped genuine fans who are concerned with the new direction with the trolls and haters, and double down on this new direction. Im hoping this situation ends up being a slip up that they can learn from and not being the beginning of the downfall of the Watcher gang. No joke, I think Ryan and Shane are the only youtubers who have avoided any sort of drama up to now. Youtubers I once respected over the years from Tobuscus to Leafyishere to H3H3 to Idubbz to even fucking Dream have all fell from grace in one way or another, and Im hoping the ghoul boys dont join that list....

[cowardlybean]

Hey. The Times They Are A Changin’ by @bandtrees and @tigsbitties amiright (muffled face down on the floor)

more (some unsettling things) beneath the cut :3

(Image 3 is my favorite sequence from an animation for TTTAAAC I’ve been working on, so here it is just in case I never finish </3, image 4 is me thinking about Mob’s house. If. That makes sense.)

OH MAN. OH MAN OH MAN. this fic has altered my brain chemistry in a way that has doctors baffled and leaves tragedy in its wake!!!!!!!!! Absolutely a masterpiece I’ve reread it 3 times now and every time I notice a new detail, there’s just SO MUCH CARE put into it. I think I could write an essay about every page of this fic LMAO it honestly blows me away, huge kudos to everyone who was a part of the project!!!!

Especially the multimedia aspects, they were so much fun to find and in some cases decode (Scared the SHIT outta myself with Breathe I think it’s one of my favorites). the youtube videos were so cool as well

Realizing a third of the way in that things will never get better was such a gut wrenching experience, and by the time I realized just how deep the hole Mob dug himself into was it was absolutely too late for anything to happen (the end of act 1 was horrific in the most amazing way. So many things stuck with me: the state Reigen was left in compared to how he was, Ritsu’s “surgery”, Dimple losing his best friend, Shou’s report to the police, Minori’s conversation (if you can call it that) with Mob?? Bone. Chilling.

One of the parts that has been sitting in my gut is Reigen’s fall, where he starts to ramble through fragments of old times. I genuinely thought he was calling out to Mob until just as the same time Mob did I recognized the words and it hit me like a HAMMER. I don’t know how to put it into words but Reigen rambling on like a broken record tore me apart, and then it gets WORSE. I only realized on my second read that the intro of the fic. (Correct me if I’m wrong) IS REIGENS PERSPECTIVE OF MOB SEVERING HIS TENDONS???? Holy fuck. Holy FUCK. The vague semblance of consciousness written there is so deeply unsettling I’m absolutely OBSESSED with it. ESPECIALLY THE FACT THAT EVEN IN THAT STATE HE STILL WANTS MOB TO BE HAPPY (the cheer ^^ mob bit) and idk if I’m interpreting right (this is gonna be so embarrassing if I’m not) but him recognizing the filthy jacket as well. Taking me OUT. AND. AND THE FACT REIGEN NEVER SPEAKS AGAIN AFTER THAT?????? (I could be wrong oops)

The mental states of every character in the fic are written so chillingly well. I can understand how Mob spirals, the anger and grief Tome feels, Shou's spite and anger, Teruki's conflict, Dimple's loss of his best friend, Serizawa's waning optimism, I can't name every character in this fic but they are ALL characterized so well. There's no needless conflict that make them OOC, there's a reason behind every little tragedy building upon themselves and creating a giant disaster that deeply affects the entire cast. Not to mention how its not just the loss of Reigen and Ritsu, but the loss of Mob too. If they were to have died on impact, its unsettling to think that things may have turned out better than this.

There’s a lot of things I wanna say that would basically be restating the fic (dimple losing his best friend, teru shaving, and the irony of ritsu’s powers being taken away by mob) so instead of writing 20 more paragraphs I’ll ask some questions I’ve been mulling over (ofc yall don’t have to answer if it’s revealing too much or smth)

Does Mob actually end up getting investigated or arrested? The formatting of the social media posts and texts makes them seem as if they're evidence and so does the ongoing "interview?" with Shou throughout the fic

In the party, is Reigen saying he doesn't like citrus a reference to the lemon sour :eyes:

I'm probably missing something but im curious about the metaphor around Reigen and a stray cat (hair clinging to Mob's clothes, comparing him to a stray cat finding a place to die, comparing him to a cat outside Serizawa's door)

If I'm not wrong and the "glitchy" sections at the beginning and end of the fic are Reigen and Ritsu's povs respectively, is their mind constantly like that or is it just in the specific circumstances where they have a small burst of consciousness?

last (thats a lie im definitely drawing more fanart in the future) but not least, some notes from when I was re-reading

[delphientropy]

please read our DNI before interacting. thank you!

actually, i honestly wanted to talk about our innerworld and system functions in general for a while. so im gonna talk about my system experiences for once i guess

for as long as we realized we were a system (which must have been around a year or less now) we always doubted ourself because our system was just... weird. thats why i never talked about it. i was very afraid of being fakeclaimed.

we do split from stress and trauma, and some of us do have jobs, but oddly, so many of us dont have any jobs at all. it seems like i, the host, do almost everything and am the sole provider of the system, and if i went dormant, everything would probably just collapse.

our innerworld is SO fucking weird. we have no idea whwere our dormant alters go- or most alters, really, because not that many alters have any access or memory of any innerworld. the sections in the innerworld are categorized by source (oddly, source plays a huge part in our system functioning for whatever reason), and even then its all so fuzzy and messy and off.

it all looks like the incomplete worldbuilding of a kid. loopholes, unanswered questions, random splits and no roles, nothing is organized and everything is chaos- bad memory, basically only one alter is doing everything ever and hes fucking stressing out (and nothing we can do about it because he cant voluntarily leave), random islands in fucking space— what about the oxygen? it really just screams made up fantasy world some child made. like our entire system is run by some small imaginative kid whos obsession for fiction and fantasy and chaos and yet also control while being disorganized.

ive been told many times that our coping mechanism is to avoid. forget. distract. comfort. thats why we have a MILLION fictives. its like a machine in the back of our mind, always humming, always making more fragments that act like characters we know and find comfort in. nah they dont have a role theyre just. there. it doesn't make sense. theres no gatekeepers, rarely protectors, just fictives. fictives with no roles just fictives and fictives and more fictives. one day itll work. every problem will go away if we just make more fictives, the machine whispers. if we just have more comfort, all of it.

i guess it all ties into our kind of trauma and our other disorders which cause chaos and disarray. everything is unexplained. the random pain. dormancy. the entire innerworld itself. its seems complex and structured on the outside, and it sure is creative, but theres no structure. its a kid throwing multiple concepts together to make a really dumb world and a dumb story with it.

if i could make it organized and make it function, i would, but i can barely see it. i cant make up shit and suddenly our brain functions normally. i cant pretend like our innerworld doesnt have patches and holes and never answered questions. i cant trust anything and suddenly it all works. thats why i dont like a lot of the advice im given. "just trust that your alters wont fuck it up and youll switch more!" i do trust them. there are some i trust with my entire being. but i just cant switch. it wont let me leave. im that inner childs favorite character, favorite doll, that needs to be out of the toybox at all times.

im so scared to try and get diagnosed or just any kind of help. because im sure i sound absolutely bonkers when you read all of this. but its a frustratingly bad functioning system. and currently, the only option i have is to just stay in front and do everything. i initially thought i had PDID for this reason, actually. im like the ""main alter"" but i certainly dont have any control over our world. i dont know what to do. and with how therapists keep abandoning me, i wish i could just heal and figure it out by myself. but i cant.

[blackvahana]

Right, so, today we confront the beast which is a funny af way to start this

Ive needed to confront the things that lead me to resonating with Kos and uh I need to do that now. Last night, I was drawn to a specific place... here's the thing. I know theres a self, and things under the surface, and so on that make me latch on to Kos and her hamlet and so on... i know shes been kept at the forefront of my mind - or at least on the back burner - because I have to get back to and into developing what exactly it is in me and around me that resonates through her face as a mask of mine. So when I talk needing to fulfil things... Im not trying to be Kos, Kos has just been used as symbolism and a face for parts of myself I havent brought to light yet

Theres a place in my mind that.. see, the both difficult and now much easier task of peeling the mask from the truth comes into play here, it was really hard before, now its hard to know how to speak on this. Theres a place I know intimately that knows me, that knows the sea, that has Mira rising from the depths, that... yeah. Lev's right about this leading outside of English and on-plane languages too far to even try tying it back. Its not a place, is a place.

Either way. So Levs helping me get back into making "nymphs", I still havent come up with a name for them. Effectively: He described them as shed skin cells of aspects (aspects being, again by him, external selves/other bodies) which become little beings, like gametes whose other halves are the world... He kind of faltered with that last bit in the way of him acknowledging an inaccuracy he wasnt wording, the inaccuracy seemingly being better covered if I say "they're gametes, they dont have an other half, theyre held in the womb of reality" - they dont have consciousnesses of their own. The Mira are some, so are the... specific storm sirens I was drawn to - specific as in Im sure there's other spirits that fit that but certain sirens are a part of myself - and uh. probably the "manifested" Choir are too. Its an on/off switch for me, this is an art Im intimately familiar with outside this life - Lev again compares it to making gametes like puberty switches on reproduction, you can switch on this external "reproduction" - but i just havent wanted that to be switched on lmfao.

Ive also been needing to actually let go and allow energetic wellsprings to form in ANVD. Every time Ive been guided to push unchallenged, unmetered, undiluted springs of specific aspects - the Sun, Creation, Waters of Life(/part of Mother of All), etc - I have toned it back severely, added a thousand layers of webbing to slow whats brought in, only allowing whats... well. a pathetic amount of shit through. I know why im doing it lmfao I. yeah. anyway. but... this goddamn place thats supposed to be a spring of something...

This place. All the salt in ANVD - because for some reason I keep seeing supersaturated fluid and salt crystals everywhere - is partly leading back to this place. The (specific to this place) spring is tied to the "nymph" making in that I think the Mira are supposed to spring (haha pun unintended) from here, and - see. Im haunted. We're talking nymphs and I push out of my mind the relation between the slug women and Kos. We talk about a beach and a people that know me especially in unrestrained aquatic form and. its a little harder to ignore. we talk about the Mira springing up from somewhere specifically probably and hopefully fruitfully and. you see how this is getting harder to ignore

Its not even about the fiction, genuinely. its not to do with bloodborne, its. I brought up The Inevitable the other day lmfao. the fact that Ive been both chasing myself for years down a specific path and directly, without chasing, following that exact path like its in my blood. is. alright. it genuinely is alright. thats the scary part: im no longer scared of the self around the corner

Either way. I need to tie ANVD to energy wellsprings. lev very specifically said the spring in this place - wherever this place may be - is an aspect of mine undiscovered, as in... its not Sun, not Sky, not Day, not Madness, and its not my base energy, but its still a "body" - its an aspect, not a body - which. means. probably. that uh. that Mother of All and the Sun as the infinite energy wellspring of - its. its one of those moments where I look at my unincarnated selves and go oh yeah I am a version of you.

...... which. lmfao. my god. how many times do i have to say "if I fear it for no apparent reason tied to morals or genuine immediate danger its probably because I am it" why oh why I wonder have I been weirdly fearing and toning back these becoming a thing over there. anyway. well that tells me what I need to go do now

[fictionkinfessions]

listening to glass animals on loop yearning for Some Guy......... yeag

fuuucking Pesterquest/Friendsim. homestuck/hiveswap. beforus also even tho thats fanmade, my canon is fucked /silly

anyways here's some random thoughts;

charun was so fun where is my buddy

I was not an artist then but i became one. i blame charun AND amisia AND remele but mostly charun.

im going in trollcall order. or at leasy trying to.

tagora was a bitch but he was FUN and had GOOD INTENTIONS PROBABLY. i dont drink coffee anymore but now im making myself wanna try it again

tirona was. certainly someone (i will not write characterhate. daily affirmations.)

skylla gave such good hugs i miss her

I WAS A SOUTHERNER THEN AND I AM A SOUTHERNER NOW SKYLLA WAS HOOOME

konyyl looks intimidating. i promise she is nice.

source; her route in friendsim i forgot the volume name. also me mems.

fozzer. fuck doc scratch.

bronya was my mom. bronya was great. i wanted to bake her cookies.

DIEMEN WAS ALSO GREAT I WANTED TO TAKE HIM TO THE MEAT ISLE OF ANY GROCERY STORE

cirava. i wanted to introduce them to glass animals. genuinely so cool also what. give me ur cool. im lacking.

TYZIAS. MY MOIRAIL. I MISS YOU. SHE WAS SO COOOL :( <>

lynera fucking scared me but she was COOL

vikare. he would be so obsessed with how i have a stepdad that flies airplanes in this life. i would take him to this flightschool

azdaja is fucking funny to just. watch. hes like a bug in a terrarium to me [with love /p]

REMELE KICKS ASS I LOVE HER /p one of The Friends ive ever made. would join in a heist again.

folkyl gets a fucking generator. i dont know if that would work. but i wanted to give her one back then and i still do.

i swear to arceus if i showed kuprum 4chan hed love that shit. immediate;y. HE TYPES LIKE A GREENTEXT TJAT IS HIS TYPING QUIRK i am so tired

zebede. (i will not write characterhate. daily affirmations. part 2.)

amisia i miss you i want to see your art again i can do anything in regards to advice now

also i fucking feel you, girl

daraya. i fucking feel you. i was worried then and i am worried now. i hope u and tyzias stayed friends also

BARZUM AND BAIZLI GAVE ME HEART ATTACKS EVERY FIVE SECONDS BUT I MISS THEM SO BAD. the fuckin goobers. they were so silly i think they should be able to do whatever they want

me too marsti me too. i miss talking abt nothing with her

nihkee was fucking terrifying and the only solace was that i too drank so much milk. not with PROTEIN SHAKES IN IT BUT YOU GET THE POINT.

boldir i had no idea what your deal was in that life but now for some reason you're just like 500% Neater. i dont know why

CHIXIE ONE OF THE FUCKIN "COUNCIL OF BESTIES" CHIXIE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH /p I HOPE YOURE GETTING ON WELL

mallek. this mf is the reason that, after pesterquest memory rememberance, i got snakebite piercings. in cerulean. in other words im fucking gay. matespritcore. I MISS MY WIFE TAILS I MISS HIM A LOT /ref (p.s. i cannot apologize for being weird abt Mallek xoxo)

tegiri I MISS YOUUUUU NUMBER TWO IN THE COUNCIL OF BESTIES. chat everytime i watch anime i remember his fucking face. WHY are you in my HEAD you stinky man /lovingly. i watched kamisama kiss and i think if id watched it in my past life i wouldve showed it to him. pensive emoji. also i was still autistic abt miku back then, and i really wanted to show him vocaloid

elwurd go to therapy /lovingly

MARVUS NUMBER THREE IN THE COUNCIL OF BESTIES. i MISS you you CLOWN. you funny stupid goofy ass rapping CLOWN. i can rap just a little bit and i keep hoping he'd be proud of me. friendship

chahut the Unofficial member of the council. girl i remember having an axe you gave me and i miss that shit I LOOKED SO DUMB HOLDING IT. SHORT ASS PURE WHITE GOBLIN HOLDING AN AXE ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY ENTIRE BODY. THATS WHAT I LOOKED LIKE. i want this energy again. come back and give me an axe COWARD /silly

polypa....... i-have-two-hands-moirailliegance ass situation. tl;dr moirail polyamory. I MISS YOU. i want to sit on a pile of pillows again and ramble about my feelings i cannot describe how bad i miss that. its embarrassing

lanque got grounded for a solid month when we met and i found it fucking hilarious and i still do. me and my new friend who i DEFINITELY did not become friends with because of my MOM. /silly

wanshi HELLOOOO HIIII I MISS YOUUUU :( I MISS SOLDIER PURRBEASTS TOO WE HAD SUCH A FUN BOOK CLUB. reading warrior cats in your honor. watching moonkitti in your stead. etc. etc.

i do not miss zebruh (this dislike does not extend to zebruhs here. hi. he was literally identical to canon in my canon and. i did not fucking like him DKNSLM.)

galekh. im so sorry for the you-know-what-list incident but i was cLUELESS and looking back it is SO FUCKING FUNNY IM SOBBING. you were great i hope you and tagora had a wonderful kissmesisitude idk

i do not miss ardata sort of. yess she locked me in a basement and kinda tortured me but. first friend :(

KARAKO'S TROLLCALL IS JUST "WHO IS THIS?" IM FUCKING CRYING /silly

KARAKO my favorite fucking FREAK. this mf climbed up to my watchtower-hive instead of using the door. this mf scaled FLATT WALLS and I NEVER LEARNED HOW. idek if he can read but i miss him. feral creechur /loving

last but not least; Stelsa. ohmyarceus STELSAAA :(((

emotion.

Stelsa was so fuckin fun she MADE ME GET MY SHIT TOGETHER!!!

so sorry. my shit is not together anymore and it stopped being that way when doc scratch Yoinked my ass... apolocheese.

i try to take care of myself mostly bc Stelsa Would Want Me To shes like the angel on my shoulder /silly

tl;dr um fuck doc scratch i miss my friends and moirails and matesprit :(

~ [#❤️‍🩹💤]

x

[bambaooo]

30.

I know for a fact no one is on here anymore, but doing this has been on the back of my mind for about a week or so.

But I just turned 30. My last almost 15 years of life have been recorded to some extent on here. From my 20s to now my 30s life has been fucking nuts. From going to feeling invincible, to feeling that like everyday is a new challenge of what im going to go through. I remember in like elementary school and middle school, i was like embarrassed of being on the younger end for my class. I would always lie and say that i was born in 93 instead of 94. Such a weird thing. and before i turned 21, i wasnt pressed on going downtown to the bars and clubs cause i know when my time came it would be fine. But gdamn, my 20s are gone. I cant help to reflect on the life ive lived. From college, to my first real job, first time living on my own money, relationships, covid, grad school, and to the last major things of buying a house and getting engaged. like what tf am I doing, in the back of my head im still that one kid that eats a shit ton, works out alot, and smokes hookah. But in reality im not that person anymore lol. i used to be very resistant on change but, i know its inevitable but it does still bums me out a bit. I think it bummed me out before because up until recently, ive been very deprived from my friends. I felt bad reaching out, and I felt like i was being a burden hitting them up. But like now, id rather reach out and see them rather than feel like im missing out. But ive seen more friends in the past few months than I feel like i have in the past few months combined. I know social connection is a big part of being healthy, but i didnt realize it was like that for me. But it makes sense, for almost almos the whole time i was in richmond, i was constantly around friends. but as a real adult that shit is kinda hard, gotta cross reference everyones schedules and shit. but like honestly its better than nothing, and i dont think i could do that shit for a extended amount of time lol. and life is just so fucking different know, fucking mortage and house stuff. and still trying to exercise regularly and be an adult.

i almost never want to plan anything for my birthday cause i dont like that feeling of being a burden or w/e. But it just happned to be that arvin moved back home and we got lunch the day before with matt. and that night we hung out at a hookah bar. Ive been so scared with the random health shit ive been dealing with but hookah actually calmed me down a lot for some reason. and Im trying really hard not to get back into the habit of smoking on a regular basis. after smoking for 10 years man, that shit would fuck me up. not the smoking, but feeling reliant on something. Shit addiction is fucking real. Im blessed to be able to pull myself away from shit like that, but i know in the back of my head i know that shit would feel so nice lol. Even when i was vaping, that shit didnt hit as good as a hookah lol.

but yeah life is different. getting settled in the house, gonna plan for a wedding of some sort in the near future, trying to get the house figured out. life is just fucking wild to me right now.

the 20s i definately learned a shit ton. I feel fucking old talking like that, but like its fucking true. the kids in their 20s now have like no idea how to live like we did. i hope i can get to a point where i can be good mentally and physically to live life a little bit of what i used to. I always hear that the 30s is like your 20s with more money, which makes me hella excited. but yeah, im 30 now, idk the next time ill be on here. ill probably come on here once in a while until it dies off forever. I lowkey want to go back into my shit and read some stuff, but i honestly cant bring myself to dig through that shit lol.

until the next.

[fraternum-momentum]

Okay, so let me ramble abt making the last comic, cause that was an absolute behemoth to work on, and I have a lot of thoughts in my head. Man, I don't know how those webtoon artists do it every week. They scare me now.

This is super long btw, so get cozy if you want to read :]

Starting off, I actually got this idea from my lil 'ol diary I keep by my tableside :] I like writing down what I feel so I can see it in a more concrete(?) manner, helps me cope i think. One time, I really did cry for someone because I guess I just really liked them a lot. Having crushes is fun, but catching feelings isn't.

I always get this giddy feeling of being head over heels for someone. Every interaction is so exciting. Intoxicating even. And I couldn't get enough of it, but after that few seconds of bliss I immediately think to myself that all these scenarios in my head will never happen, not in a million fucking years. I just preemptively reject myself without ever telling the person what I feel. I know what the outcome will be anyway, and I'm afraid of what will happen if I did say anything. It's just too risky.

The second half is completely made up tho, I will never ever kidnap someone... unless? (For legal reasons, I will have to clarify that this is a joke, Thank you.)

Now onto the comic itself!

The composition is probably the easiest and the most fun part. I love, love, love, how versatile you can be in the webtoon format. Figuring out how to transition the panels is super fun, and it sucks that most of the webcomics I see on tapas or webtoon, etc. are just sticking to those boring box formulas over and over again when it has so much potential, although there are exceptions like, for example, Lore Olympus. While it has it's fair share of flaws when in comes to other aspects, you can't deny the artist's talent esp when it comes to knowing how to place the character in an illustration, (again) the compositioning etc etc. (ep. 8 is p good. They stick to the box stuff during dialogue but gets more experimental in some parts. I haven't been keeping up with it, so idk any other good eps)

One of my only big regrets is that I wish I had made the space between the '...but I love it." and "And soon..." parts longer. I think it changed scenarios way too fast and your eye immediately moves onto the next piece of text,, but eh, it is what it is, and I can't be bothered to edit it so ig I gotta learn to live with it.

It's still messy in,, a lot of parts actually, and I still can't do lineart to save my life, but i kinda tried just cleaning up the sketches instead???? I mean, it kinda works, but it isn't really smooth so,, And there are small mistakes here and there that I could've fixed or colored stuff in properly or whatever. But at that point, I'm just done with it. No more. Am tired and want to draw other shit now. Maybe boobs n dicks n pussy-

Oh actually i have another comic in my wip folder that I started before the sad Kylar crying one. Here's some of the thumbnails for it:

the fucking lisa simpson looking ass face just cracks me up every time I see it LMAOQJSJQJ I just wanted to show it to u but stay tuned for that ig

I eventually want to make little comics like this for other characters as well! Like Sydney, who is also one of my favorites cause of the whole religion aspect to them, and I would like to tackle that topic with yet another super personal experience of mine that for some reason I'm comfortable with sharing with a bunch of ppl lmao

I also really want to make a full on nsfw one, like gut rearranging, carnal fucking, hardcore banging,, ok ill stop. But I do need to do more,, uh, "research" on that,, i swear it's research, i have no clue how im gonna draw it. Hell, I already struggle with drawing people fucking and imagine adding cool transitions to that. Guess even my masochistic tendencies extend to this shit too.

And I think that's pretty much it? I'll probably just stick to b and w or monotone with a few accent colors because i just know that it would break me if i did a fully colored one.

Okay, thank you for reading this ramble, I'll go ahead and answer some asks now,, Here's your prize though!

[felixmoonstar]

Hii, good night everyone, im here once again to show you another bit of my art, i think i may start to post weekly so if you are interested ill probably post again every week in a time between tuesday and friday, cant say with precision as i have some art blocks sometimes like everybody, but anyways, ill leave a song that i think that matches my text, explain why i choosed that specific song and also leave my inspirations, also as always im open to constructive criticism, so, enjoy^^

The Limbo forest.

I woke up in the middle of the forest in the dark, a limbo so deep that the only reason I could know I was in a forest was the branches hitting my face, as neither the sun, moon, nor star was visible in this pitch black. Just darkness and constant slaps from the branches, other than that, I couldn't know anything else close to me. At first, I was terrified by the lack of vision, the fear of the unknown, of what would happen soon, fear of not knowing, but after a few hours without having an idea of ​​what was happening, I ended up getting used to it and my anxiety decreased considerably. Before I could calm down, I walked the whole time, getting slapped by branches, getting scared by the noises I made when I stepped on fallen branches that I couldn't see, falling head-on into several trees, and all kinds of general things that I couldn't see. could happen if I was in a dark room, there was just one problem: unlike a room, I wouldn't just have to worry about pieces of lego or banging my finger on the corner of a table, here I was constantly taken by my surroundings, which in addition to increasing my anxiety and pain, it also increased my hatred for this place and my miserable condition, so after a few hours of emotions dominating my mind, rationality returned and I started to ask myself "if I'm in a forest, where are the animals ? Is this place so shit that no animal has managed to adapt to it? ... the biggest problem seems to be the lack of light, but many animals can see in the dark..." then I looked at the sky again, and to surprise of anyone, there wasn't even a celestial body in the sky yet, and I only realized that now. *just now. In addition to being naturally desperate, I was even more confused for not having realized this before, and I wondered what else I was missing. Thinking about losses, I started thinking about what I was missing by being here, precious time with friends? A meal? A robbery? I would never know, and I didn't even want to think about it much to preserve my remaining mental health. After reflecting for a few hours sitting and crying, I started to recover myself and started walking again, and to my surprise, I found what I assumed was an exit, a distant remnant of light, so I didn't waste any time and simply ran in that direction, to my happiness and surprise, in fact it was the world that I knew, the sun was in the sky and I didn't understand how this was possible, but I didn't even try to find out why, not for now at least, I just reflected on what could be found in that "forest" in which I found it.

So, first of, i choose "introduction to the snow" as the best music for that piece of writting because one, i love Tally Hall and miracle musical is bassicaly a Tally Hall spin off, and second, i thought it gave a nice feeling of not knowing about where you are, and i feel a strange when listening to this music, i love this music but it give me a weird feeling in a good way, plus, "alone at the edge of the universe" Is bassically what i wanted to describe when writting this.

Now, what was my inspiration? When writting this, i was feeling completly hopeless and that was like a vent to me, so whats writted is how i was feeling at the moment, i enjoy putting my emotions in my writting, then feeling overwhelmed is for me, something that makes the process way easier.

Long story short, thats one of part of my art, one that im really proud about and that like all my other art, is full of myself in it.

[pixeljade]

Okay i've tried like 20 times to word this in a way that'll go as gently as possible but I dont think im gonna be 100% successful bc autism, so im just gonna post this and hope yall dont take it in bad faith:

Theres a lot of younger queers (especially AFAB ones) who still hold TERF ideology and the main reason I see them failing to let it go is because they cant embrace sex positivity.

Which like. I kinda get. I mean if I was AFAB and I grew up with creepy toxic masculine dudes constantly sexualizing me while i was still a child, and the pressures of family to reproduce, and all that shit that comes with being AFAB, i'd probably be scared as shit of sex. Heck I'm a *little* scared of it myself since I was sexually assaulted twice before I was 18! But I feel like thats something to fight against, because like...sex is healthy! Sex is good! Sex is the cause of literally all of our lives!!!!

And I'm not saying you have to have sex or anything, god no, I'm on the ace spectrum. I'm saying you have to be normal about sex, because sex is a part of life! Its ESPECIALLY a part of the queer community! And as much as it should be more welcoming to ace people, I also think demanding it be entirely chaste in order to welcome ace people is stupid and selfish and unhealthy.

"So whats this have to do with TERF ideology though?" Well, reader, I'm glad you asked, because "sex is scary" is the first step in the TERF ideology road! It usually goes "sex is scary" -> "men are scary" -> "anything with a penis is scary". And basically every queer person, at least on the surface, is against this. But under the surface, I find it all falls apart, especially amongst AFAB people. AMAB queers are expected to perform femininity to fit in, and almost always if it is the sort of space where femininity is scrutinized, it is expected that the feminine must also be chaste. I feel like thats no accident. It feels like any mention of sexuality from an AMAB person has them thinking about how we have a penis, such a lewd horrible thing, and then its like...instantly we become less womanly to them. They've let their fear tie femininity to a lack of sexuality, which is a TERF idea!

This also is what leads to more censorship of transfem people. As the recent bannings of transfem people on this site continue, I see a lot of posts saying stuff like "You wouldnt have this problem if youd just stop posting sexual content", even being reblogged by supposed allies.

And you might be thinking "well I'm AFAB but I'm trans, so, this doesnt apply to me. Theyre talking about actual TERFs!" And no, you're wrong. I see transmasc people who pull this shit ALL THE TIME. I recently had a transmasc friend cringe and tell me that the fact that I liked Asumi-chan Is Interested In Lesbian Brothels was a red flag because it was "clearly for the male gaze" which is absolutely TERF behavior. I also see a lot of transmasc people being dismissive of transfem fears in the current trans political situation. Its seemingly almost always a specific brand of UwU cottagecore transmasc that does it too, and a few of them I've even caught admitting they "used to be a TERF" which, I'm glad you no longer associate with them, but I'm telling you you still have shit to unlearn. Dont tell me this is out of my lane, either, its no different from if someone pointed out I still had toxic masculinity to unlearn! Which has happened, and I've examined mine. Why do you find it so unreasonable to examine yours?

Anyways thats all for now. Please do better. I shouldnt have to deal with this shit while the government is trying to kill me.

[idyllic-affections]

🌻 its cruel of anyone to push someone away from their own culture just cuz they dont fit the "standards" or whatever other shit 💔 ohhh u dont know the language— stfu first of all learning a language is hard. im bilingual and its hard for ME to learn any other language. i had german and spanish in school and i simply could not learn any of them and same goes for any other language i tried to learn on my own!! i learned nothing in the end even tho ive been learning english since first primary, meaning i already should have some experience in learning a new language. but i dont. and second of all no one should ever demand proof from anyone that they are a part of this culture or whatever like!!

it’s not only annoying but also fucked up that people have the sheer audacity to set stupid requirements for OTHER PEOPLE'S identity. one's identity can be so hard and sensitive of a topic and having someone try to police u in this matter, try to tell u that no sorry u dont know the language/culture so u cant call urself that— i genuinely have no respect for people who act like this

and third of all idk man if someone came to me and said "hi i want to learn more about poland and the culture because i have polish family" (because suurprise!! im polish too!!!!) id be more than happy to tell them everything i know. even if i might not be the best knowledge source AHAJSJDKDK they dont know polish? or anything abt poland?? they just learned their family is polish??? it simply doesnt matter this person wants to learn more about themselves and im more than happy to cheer on them and hope that theyll learn everything they want. and that theyll never feel excluded out of something they deserve to have place in

this got a little long but as u can tell i got very passionate about this topic 😭😭😭 it annoys me so hard how unhuman some people can be

SOO TRUE it's so invalidating ESPECIALLYYYYY when it's always other latino or hispanic people telling me. bro please. i am doing my best here 🙏🙏

i tried for years to learn spanish and it NEVER clicked in my brain. i know basic spanish and basic french (i had to take a foreign language class a few years back so i took french 1) that's it. Please. learning a language takes so much practice and patience and the issue with learning spanish is that my pronounciation will inherently be more "white" because erm. yeahh. english is the only language i've ever spoken fluently. and for some reason, there are many native spanish speakers think it's funny to make fun of mispronounciations? so now i'm scared to practice because of that. 🫶 it's not cute or funny and it's never been in intended an affectionate way. but i am also mentally ill and neurodivergent so that probably doesn't help AJKSFBJSLSHNFM idk man but it is NOT "all in good fun" it's EMBARRASSING!!!!!

IT'S GENUINELY SO FRUSTRATING why should i have to prove my ancestry to you? like. first of all that's really none of your business and second of all i literally do not have to prove anything?!?!?!?! no-one does?!?!?!?! no-one is somehow any less of their heritage simply because they don't know much about it. literally. it is so upsetting why can we not just let people live peacefully fr.

SOOO REALL i need to ask about it again because my maternal family is generally very open about this kind of thing, and it's easy to communicate with them because there is no language barrier between us. i would love to know more about myself. because my culture is something i deserve to have a part in, you know? it's literally in my blood. it is something i always was and always will be, and i feel like i have a right to want to learn about it.

nooo it's okay!!!! i completely get it. i feel like it's becoming very common for people to be less and less human. and it makes sense, given... you know. politics and everything lately. not to be political /lh but there is just a little too much hate being spread and i dislike that so much. many people have forgotten how to be kind and it's just???? very sad and upsetting.

[anarchy-flagz]

im coming back to the internet!

update post? im coming back to tumblr, insta, yt, etc again. soon i will be back to making up terms and posting the silly little flags.

anyway i need to talk about why a certain hashtag has been removed from many of my posts. and the reason i was gone in the first place. look, im not going to sugarcoat it, i was in an abusive relationship. im not going to go too much into detail but this person was very controlling over me and my system and was abusive to me and all our headmates. to people worried where me and all my friends went, this is what happened. i didnt want to say anything about it online while i was still with them because i was scared of them (and i still am.) i had purposefully not questioned our relationship until one of my headmates brought it up that their not going to change. which in all honesty they didnt. but looking back at the posts i made then, it was obvious something was wrong. firstly i had to break one of my blog rules of not giving credit to creators of terms/flags since terms belong to communities, not people. they always wanted credit for whatever they made, so i gave it because i didnt want to fight about it. also as sone may have noticed, my flags got very desaturated in color. they had this thing for really desaturated colors to the point where some of the flags they made couldnt even have the number of stripes counted because the colors was too hard to see. well he got mad at me for anytime i put even slightly bright colors in my flags. i know some of them are too bright, which is a topic for another time. but they was being somewhat ridiculous with it, making me change the colors on flags even if i already desaturated it. there was also one time they said my flag was ugly and remade it, which made me feel really horrible because i like the flags i make and for someone that i loved to say they hated it made me cry. i dont really care much if people want to remake my flags or hate on them, its just when someone that was close to me did it, it really hurt. also im going to keep this part short because i really dont wanna have to bring up other stuff they did but basically i never felt like they accepted me for who i am. it was not liking me because of i have too many genders and pronouns or because my orientation is uhh weird. like oh yeah make fun of me because my labels are stupid or becausse i put too many pronouns and shit on my personal google doc. also the um.. roleplaying (not going to elaborate on this.) they knew how much i care about making terms and flags but yet they ruined it for me. at one point i gave up on making terms and flags and even archiving flags or even adding things to my gender horad because i completely lost my confidence in all of it. shortly after that i started loosing my will to live. one day after something happened that pissed him off he quit talking to me and didnt break up with me. thats unrelated but it still makes me angry. i didnt want to leave them because i didnt want to admit to myself that i screwed up by getting together with this person. only reason i ending up leaving is because one my headmates did it. after that i realized something. i never loved them. dont go and find this person. just avoid them. if you see them out in the wild, just walk away. just please dont tell them i said anything or that im back online because im trying really hard to avoid them. i dont feel safe being anywhere near this person so i really dont want them slithering back to me. i know their not a very pleasant person to be around and that they do have a history of not only abusing us, but others to.. but please dont ask me for now atleast to make any type of call out post. its not safe me. hell, even posting this probably isnt safe. but im not going to hide this. because im not just going to suck up to them and cover for them forever. anyway have a good day/night everyone and thanks to anyone who read all the way through!

[ifeltfree]

Yeah, of course I'll talk with you about it. I'm sorry to hear you're recently diagnosed. I'd say it gets better, but I'd be lying. What does change is that you get tougher, more resilient. If you're lucky, you have people around you who understand and support you well. The seizures never stop being terrifying.

It's an awful disease and one that is extremely misunderstood. Isolating is the right word, for sure. I was diagnosed at 16, so I know how hard it can be to have it as a teenager/young person as well. It feels like it's stealing from you. It is. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Your feelings are justified.

As far as how I cope? Poorly, for a long time, but recently things have been looking up. I was seizure-free for about five years before a recent set of breakthrough seizures (I crashed my car too, lol what a time), so I'm relearning how to deal with the fear and paranoia.

Logistically, I've done a few things:

I was able to get my job to let me work from home 3/5 days of the week.

I sleep. A lot. I still hang out with people and I have a lot of friends, but I had to accept there are things I can't do.

I spend a lot of time in quiet. Overstimulation doesn't help. I found this out the long way - took me forever to realize shutting up one or a few of my senses cut down the brain activity (I'm dumb).

I don't drink. I used to drink - probably too much. Substance abuse and epilepsy don't mix. That wasn't the reason for my breakthroughs, but I do have a little sobriety app. Kinda fun, honestly.

I talk to my friends about it.

That last point is something that I'd never done before this year. It's hard, of course, but I think it's helped that my friends now know I'm having crises of sanity, faith, philosophy - whatever - every day of my goddamn life. It's impossible to live with this disease and not think about what's real, what's not, if I'm losing time, what exactly is a soul...you understand.

Also, seizures are impossible to describe, but I try. That helps as well. Horrifies my friends, but they've said it's ok to talk about.

Every seizure I've had (barring these last ones, or I'd have killed myself) has stolen my personhood from me. I'd wake up as a different person, and then I'd just...live in a stranger's apartment, wear a stranger's clothes, wake up in a stranger's bed. After about a week, the feeling starts to fade but nothing ever goes back to that first reality. That disorientation is, for me, one of the worst parts of epilepsy. It's fucking scary. And if you go through that, I am so, so sorry.

If you want to talk about this more, let me know. I'm much less serious than I seem, and I write like this because I'm overeducated after being scared shitless by my brain. So.

Anyway, feel free to publish this and I hope you feel better soon.

Also, tell your tattoo artist what happened - they'll thank you for not coming in, and they also need to know you're not a flake. Don't want to make them responsible for an unconscious body when they don't have to be! :)

thank you for talking to me more about this. you worded a lot of this really well and its reassuring to know its normal to feel that way that i do about it all. my family thinks im exaggerating it so sometimes i question if im blowing things out of proportion.

anyway, thats terrible that you crashed your car. thats such a huge fear of mine and i cant imagine going through that, im so sorry. its so unfortunate that you have to miss out on things, but im glad you figured out what works for you to keep you in better shape. im gonna try and be mindful about the things you mentioned and see if they make a difference for me, thank you

i dont have much of a support system, most of my friends stopped talking to me after college and i find it hard to meet new people where i live. its significantly harder to cope with shit like this when youre on your own. im sure you get it. and i totally understand what you mean by losing your sense of self. it feels like everything is foggy, all the time but even worse on days i have seizures. it almost makes me mad cause its not fair that after everything else that comes with it, i have to have a diluted watered down personality too.

again thank you for this. ill definitely reach out if the urge arises and you definitely can too. im always open to talk, about anything