#probably on his disregard for his own health and safety without her around | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

serensama · 5 years ago

Text

To Release #2

Zen needs to let MC go.

Years ago, I had asked the amazing @promiscuous-jalapeno to write a HC for me when I was too scared to write my own and she did an amazing job- tore me right up it did. I asked her shortly thereafter if she minded if I tried to do it and she was kind enough to encourage me. Nearly 4 years and I’ve finally done it.

Trigger warnings: Character death, mentions of blood and aneurysm.

This is for my friend, my sister- Susana. I don’t know how to let you go. But one day I will. And one day I will see you again. Rest well until then dear one.

This is for my baby, my puppy Meiko- run free my little one. I know you’ll be waiting for me too. Keep Susana company and keep her safe until we catch up, okay? Good Boy.

- It wasn’t a particularly long or difficult day when it happened.

- They were wrapping up the film and just going over the last few scenes that Zen wasn’t thrilled with; ever the perfectionist he didn’t want sub-par acting from him or his co-stars, he loved his fans too much to offer them nothing but the best.

- The director hadn’t called cut but everyone had started to make a commotion on the set and forced the actor to stop and look around. A crowd had congregated near the catering table, someone calling for the onsite doctor for one of the crew who had seemingly fainted.

- The director walked towards the people and when she got close enough to see what or who the cause of the ruckus was, she spun on her heel and screamed out to him.

- Zen turned towards the sound of his name and saw his director calling him over with frenzied hands, urging him to quicken his pace and pointing towards the throng of people- “… It’s MC.”

- The actor had pushed one of his colleagues out of his way, apologising to them in his head as he bounded over to where the director had motioned to. He easily pulled people away to let him through when he finally got to eye of the masses, his MC laying on the floor in a heap. Her arms were thrown askew and her legs in an odd angle, a trickle of blood from where she caught her head against the edge of the table forming a pool of the rich, dark liquid beneath her.

- Zen hissed curses at the idle idiots around him, just standing there slack jawed staring at his girlfriend instead of doing anything else.

- With a gentleness he only ever showed to her, he caressed the inside of her wrist softly careful to not jostle her in case she hurt her neck or back with her fall. “MC, baby, please wake up, let me see those beautiful eyes again,” he cooed, praying his voice was enough to coax her from her unconsciousness. When she furrowed her brow but remained wholly unresponsive, he tried once again, convinced he could reach her. “Come on baby, I know you. You’re probably screaming at yourself for falling and being careless- especially with so much to do. So do it, kick your own ass and wake up. You can do this. Show me how strong you are MC.”

- Her eyelashes began to flutter as she sluggishly began to move.

- Zen exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding and a collective sigh of relief was released on set. Everyone knew and loved the ivory haired star but the only thing he was ever pedantic about to a fault was the health and safety of his manager, his girlfriend- his ‘whole world’. He couldn’t care less if all they gave him was warm water for lunch so long as she was well taken care of and comfortable.

- The doctor finally reached them and quickly rushed the remaining stragglers away from the couple, even managing to push Zen back when he said he needed more room to make sure MC was okay, the young man hovering around them, pacing worriedly about the sidelines like a mother hen.

- He watched on as the doctor patched her up, wincing as the thread and needle cinched up the gash- silently threatening the doctor to do a good job and not leave MC with a scar. However the more he thought of a scar on his girl got him a little excited, it would make her look mysterious, dangerous, his every own femme fatale- a physical representation of her inherent bad-assery for all the world to see.

- Zen could feel the tension in his shoulders relax as she slowly stood up and accepted whatever direction the doctor was giving her. He practically sprinted to her side when the older man gestured for him to come over, his long, toned arms carefully gathering her to him and pressing soft kisses to her skin, ignoring the scent of dried blood mingling with her sweet perfume. “… and make sure she doesn’t fall asleep again until you’re at the hospital and she’s in their care. Your blood pressure is pretty low and you’ve looked paler as of late, have you been getting enough iron lately MC?”

“Mhmm.” “Mm. Okay. Well go get those tests and make sure nothing too serious happened with that hit on your head. Make sure you watch out of her Zen,” the doctor instructed with a terse nod before taking his leave.

- A few moments passed with Zen still holding onto MC, lips still against her brow. He wanted to remember what it felt like to hold her and feel her breath against his skin, the warmth of her body, the sting of the pinch at his… the hell?

- Crimson eyes looked down to see MC pinching at his arm.

- “AIR!” she finally managed as she pried herself away from him, her mouth open and gaping for the precious gas to enter her lungs once more. He chuckled as he allowed himself one final self-indulgent kiss on top the crown of her head and stepped back, letting her find her own footing and collect herself.

- “What happened Jagi?” he asked, tucking an errant strand of hair back up into her messier messy bun. “Do you remember anything?”

- MC grimaced as she thought back, trying to remember anything before waking up to a blistering pain in her head and the sounds of hushed whispers all around her, and the large worried eyes of her lover peering down at her. Ignoring the pounding at the base of her skull and the way her world was just slightly off kilter, she focused on the chain of events that led her there.

- She had been looking over his schedule and worrying herself over how to get to one interview to another with only twenty minutes to spare across the city during peak hour traffic when she felt a sharp pain at the back of her eyes, acute and with such intensity she had to put her planner on the table and steady herself and then… nothing.

- Zen frowned not liking what he was hearing. At first he thought that she had neglected herself again, probably forgetting to eat something during the day because she was so fixated on him and his commitments she disregarded her responsibility to herself- it wouldn’t be the first time. Although this time, it felt different. Apart from the fact that he had practically force fed MC lunch with him not two hours earlier, he didn’t like the way she had been acting in the days leading up to this episode. She had been more exhausted than normal, crashing into bed often without having a shower which was something she was loathe to do, always yelling at him for doing it if he stumbled home from the set late at night. She was irritable and short tempered, yes she was a fire cracker and he loved her for it, but he could see she was being snappish for no good reason and that just wasn’t his MC.

- That and his dreams. Dreams he suppressed because they didn’t sit right with him, didn’t make sense, didn’t want to make sense of it. So he didn’t. It didn’t make sense that he would be in the middle of a choreographed number, with MC front row and centre watching him and he would do a turn and then she was gone. Just him alone on the stage, with people waiting for him to continue. It just didn’t make any sense.

- He would focus on what was real and happening in front of him and he would take things one step at a time instead of jumping to conclusions from stress addled dreams. Yes, that was it. It was the stress of this new movie. It was going to be the biggest one to date and with so much riding on his performance, there was no doubt that was what was causing such terrible images to play out before him the minute he closed his eyes.

- “Let’s get you to the hospital okay Jagi?”

- He almost throttled the doctor in the ER. How the hell did he dare say such things. He was going to ask for a second opinion and then a third. He wasn’t going to stop until he heard the right opinion, the only one that mattered. That MC was just fine. MC was going to live- anyone who said otherwise was going to taste the heel of his boot.

- “I know it’s difficult to hear but as it stands it might be best to start making some arrangements just in case-”

“You need to stop talking Doc,” he ground out behind his teeth, both hands squeezing against the metal of MC’s hospital bed. “Zen,” she chided with a disapproving look but with a gentle hand on his arm. “Let him speak.”

He shook his head and crossed his arms in front of him like he was trying to intimidate a better diagnosis out of him instead of the bullshit he was already sprouting.

“Not unless he goes back and does those tests again and comes back with some different results, because those are wrong,” he replied pointing at the chart the doctor held in his hands. To his credit the older man didn’t flinch too badly at Zen’s bullying, probably used to all kinds of bargaining from people in the ER. “As much as I wish they were wrong… they aren’t. I’m afraid there isn’t much else that can be done- what we’ve found is an intracranial aneurysm and at the size it’s managed to get we need to do emergency surgery or it’s at great risk of rupturing. All I’m saying is that the surgery comes with risks- as if it does rupture during the surgery she could have a stroke or receive permanent brain damage and, as such, she should get everything in order in case the worst were to happen-” “What we need you to say Doc is that the surgery is going to save her life and everything will be fine,” he snapped pointing at him menacingly. Zen tapped on the clipboard and then into the doctor’s chest to get his point across.

- The doctor sighed and gave MC a pointed look which she wordlessly responded with a nod, still disoriented from trying to catch up with what the man had just said. “Can you believe that guy? What kind of bed side manner was that? Jumin would be classified as downright cuddly compared to that guy,” Zen bristled, a shiver climbing up his spine as he thought about both men. MC sighed as she grabbed Zen’s hand, squeezing it to steel herself for what was to come. “The last thing you need to hear before impromptu surgery is hey- you’re probably gonna kick the bucket so make sure you know who is going to get your china.” “Jaehee is going to get the China. Saeyoung my shoes,” she grinned, stroking at the smooth skin on the back of his hand absentmindedly. “Yoosung said he wanted my gear from LOLOL, V will have my sketchbook and Jumin all my cat paraphernalia. You can keep my lingerie.”

- MC was giggling until she looked up at Zen’s face, his downturned mouth and sparkling eyes clearly showed a man who was not impressed with the jokes she was telling.

“Zen, Oppa, it’s going to be okay,” she soothed, bringing his forehead to touch hers, rubbing her nose to nuzzle him. “I need you to tell me it’s okay, that we’re going to be okay.”

“You only ever call me Oppa when you want something,” Zen pouted as he returned the action, he took a deep breath in and stilled himself. MC was in his arms and she always would be. “Hey, hey I promise Jagi you are going to be fine. You are going to go in there and that aneurysm thing won’t be able to win against you, nothing can whenever you make your mind up. You’re my girl. You’re wonderful, feisty. My take no prisoners warrior queen- you’re going get out of this completely unscathed.”

- MC sniffed and pulled back, clasping his larger hands with hers, her lips twitching at the sight of it.

“But…”

“No buts, that is until you are given the okay from the doctors that you’re all good after the surgery. Then this ass is mine,” he playfully growled, grabbing a handful of her rear to lighten the mood. MC laughed, an almost strangled noise through her tears and pecked him chastely on the lips.

“But-”

“MC I know in my gut that this isn’t the end of you okay, I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to you, you know that right?” he said earnestly as he looked into her eyes.

- “I know but-”

“But what?”

- “My hair!” she wailed much to his surprise. “They’re going to shave a huge patch of my hair off and I’m going to look like an idiot!” she continued, fat tears rolling down her face.

- Zen stared at her nonplussed before throwing his head back in laughter. This woman was strong. She wasn’t afraid of death. She feared for her style. She was his match in every way.

- Before they took her in to prepare her, he asked a favour with the nurses at the station who wholeheartedly agreed to assist him in his quest.

- Without a second thought or the slightest hesitation he cut off his pony tail and the nurses shaved off his signature ivory locks. MC screamed in protest but he would have none of it.

“It’s you and me MC. Whatever you do, I do. Your hair will grow back with mine and we will do all of this together. So you make sure you get out of this surgery and we can get back to living our lives together,” he negotiated as they started to wheel her away. “Promise?”

“Promise!” she called out to him, holding up a pinkie finger as they rolled down the corridor.

- Everything was hazy and everything felt heavy when she prized her eyes open, but she saw her handsome Zen and knew he was saying something sweet to her and all was right in the world. She could hear him saying something, she couldn’t quite make out exactly what but she knew they were comforting and probably stupid. Ah Jagi, you look so ravishing in that hospital gown or I got you baby girl or MC! You should have heard how you raved about my skills in bed as you came down from the anaesthetic! They need to keep me in the hospital to do all sorts of tests on how it could be possible for a man to be so beautiful and so talented in the bedroom- they say it’s some sort of genetic wonderment, I say it’s all because of you.

- “Thank you for coming back to me.”

- They said they did the best they could with what they had, that she would need constant supervision for the time being and they needed to keep close observation on the aneurysm to see if their intervention measures worked. That meant for the first time in a long time Zen willingly cancelled his schedule, all of his schedule. He didn’t attend any interviews or photoshoots, no fan-meets or even any online streaming events- his only goal was to care for MC. Even when she realised it was the premiere of his biggest feature film to date, the project she had fought so hard for him to get and he worked so diligently for- nothing would sway him. His place was with her and she just needed to get over the fact that there was nothing more important to him than her.

- “Zen, don’t be a fool.”

“I’m not. That’s why I’m staying here.”

“Zen! After everything we’ve done to get to this point, you need to be there!”

“I don’t need to do anything but be here with you, you’re the only reason I’ve gotten anywhere these last 5 years!” he yelled back, clearly not budging from his stance. MC was about to retort with a snappy comeback but as she did she got a sharp pain in her head and got woozy, prompting Zen to rush over and pick her up like she were a doll and place her back on the bed all the while apologising for yelling at her and hurting her and if she really wanted him to go he would, whatever would make her feel better.

MC let out a small sniffle and outstretched her arms towards him prompting the man to lay beside her and hold her to him, his immense warm radiating into her, his body comfortable against her like a weighted blanket luring her into sleep.

“Don’t go. Stay with me.”

“Always.”

- For a time after that, everything went well.

- Her check-ups were positive and things seemed to be under control.

- Then the headaches started. Not just the kind that a few ibuprofen could handle but the kind that had her crying, pulling at her skin to stop the pain. Then she had difficulty focusing her eyes at times. It was when she was falling down and forgetting how she got on the floor that he –

“I’m here Jagi. I’m right here. Don’t be scared… oh please… please don’t cry.”

- Those dreams had come back again. And once again, he swept them away because he refused to accept them. He would change the outcome. He had already saved her once, he would do it again. He just needed time.

- The doctors were useless. Absolutely useless. He punched one right in the face, it was a miracle he didn’t sue him. Perhaps he had felt sorry for MC and paid heed to her pained pleas that he not press charges against her carer. Or in truth, perhaps he felt sorry for him, the mess of a man on his hands and knees on the floor begging him to take his life instead of hers. As if the doctor had that kind of power to grant his wish. He would never know.

- MC urged him, begged him to back to work. She would be fine. She could stay with her mother and he could pick her up and it would be fine-

“Whatever you do. I do, remember? If you’re staying here, then so am I- stop trying to get rid of me,” he scolded before attacking her with his wondrous fingers, finding every single ticklish spot on her to force her to forget such treacherous thoughts.

- He had taken a liking to making her breakfast every day and actually eating with her, a luxury that they couldn’t afford during his normal timetable; she usually grabbed a large coffee for both of them to tide them over until they got on set to snack whatever they could before sharing lunch together… when possible. How they didn’t sit down more often to eat together all those years beforehand was baffling to him, it wasn’t something he was going to take for granted again. Moments with her just truly enjoying each other’s company with some good food as they sat in their pyjamas- he wouldn’t take it for granted anymore.

- Some days he let her cook when her symptoms weren’t too severe and he wasn’t petrified she was going to chop her finger off accidentally trying to make a bowl of cereal. Zen had to duck from her attack of dry Cheerios when he had made the mistake of saying so out loud. Not that he minded, without his long hair it made cleaning himself up much easier.

- He took the opportunity of being mostly unrecognisable to the public to go out and enjoy what they could. Going to the movies like a normal couple and tenderly making out in the back row when she felt up to it like some loved up teenagers. Going window shopping and having her try on outfits she had planned to wear for his future premieres and seeing her being fawned over by shop assistants made him beam with pride. None of those dresses would ever out shine her beauty for him… but the smile she gave him as he told her she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen when she donned a particularly dull dress, stole the air from his lungs.

- Zen liked to take her out for walks around the city or they’d drive out somewhere nice to take in the sights of whichever town or park they found themselves in- until she grew too tired and he would carry her on his back like she weighed nothing, never once complaining if he had to carry her for five minutes or fifty.

- Once the snow started he rented a cabin for the week and they lounged about naked as the day they were born; at times indulging in each other and others just lying in each other’s arms in silence. Words didn’t mean too much when Zen could understand everything her eyes silently confided in him. They said she loved him, that she was grateful to him and that with him, she was safe. That she was happy.

- It was on their way back to Seoul that she had her first seizure.

- She plummeted onto the ground, thankfully covered with fresh soft snow to cradle her fall. Zen tried to talk her through it, to keep her in a safe position until help arrived and the fit ceased. Seeing her so helpless, her body betraying her so completely and him utterly powerless to help her- he wanted to scream but this wasn’t about him, it was about her and he needed to focus on her. It couldn’t have been more than two minutes until she stopped shaking and her limbs started to relax under his hands and her breathing returned to normal.

“Z-Zen?”

“I’m here Jagiya.”

“I… I’m cold,” she said turning her face to look up at him. Zen looked into her eyes, he could see what she truly meant.

- Zen, I’m scared.

- Me too MC, me too.

- The doctors did their tests. She looked so small in her hospital gown. So small and tired.

- Their interventional measures… they were no longer working.

- “There’s nothing else we can do.”

- They walked together hand in hand down the stark white hallways of the hospital not saying a word, neither knowing how to proceed. He was feeling too many emotions to even begin picking out which one he was actively experiencing at any time, he could only imagine what MC was feeling. He felt a quick squeeze of his fingers and found MC gazing up at him, with clear eyes and a weak smile on her lips.

“Let’s go home Zen.”

- There’s nothing else we can do. Let’s enjoy the rest of whatever time I have.

- He waited until she was asleep and went into the kitchen and pulled out six pack and drank, one after another, nothing able to sate the growing chasm in the pit of his stomach. When he had finished that pack he quickly checked up on MC who was still resting soundly and decided to walk down the street to the nearest convenience store and pick himself up another pack or three of any available alcoholic beverage to drown some of his sorrows. He was entitled to it god damn it, he just needed to feel nothing at all, no confusion, no to too many things to process at once - just a drunken stupor he’d regret in the morning. That’s what he needed.

- He had gotten there and filled a little cart with so many beers they threatened to topple over, so he did the only reasonable thing and drank a few right there in the store. He could hear a few people whispering about the weird guy in the back chugging down drinks like the end of the world, joke’s on them, it was ending. A world without her in it was no world worth living in.

- “Yo. Slow it down man,” he heard a familiar drawl say. He did not want to see him. He didn’t want to see anyone. Zen drained the final drop out of the bottle and turned back to see white and pink and an inordinate amount of leather. Reaching down into his cart, he picked up another can and cracked open the tab, nodding half-heartedly towards the younger Choi brother before downing another- oh shit, there it was. Blissful ignorance rushing through his veins. “Seriously man what the fuck, get a hold of yourself.”

“You know what Saeran, just fuck off okay,” he said, or slurred, who the hell knew.

“No I don’t think so,” he said waving off his friends that he had originally entered with. “What’s going on with you? Why are you doing this?” he asked, managing to pull the cart of drinks away from Zen’s hand.

“Fuck. Off. Choi,” he spat out before polishing off his drink. Saeran clucked his tongue and shook his head in pity, he didn’t need to be a genius to know that the man before him was hurting. He knew because he had felt a very similar pain before. He had tried to drown that pain and could easily recognise it in the man before him.

“Yeah yeah I heard you. I will. After I get you back home,” he said pulling at Zen’s arm and shoving some money on the counter to pay for the consumed beverages. Zen yanked his arm away from Saeran and almost lost his footing, his natural grace the only thing saving him from falling head first into the rack of glass bottled condiments.

“I’m not ready to go back yet, don’t touch me, I’m fine-”

“Sure drinking at a convenience store at 3am in the morning on a Tuesday dressed in your pyjama pants and a shirt and slippers is really the epitome of fine-”

“I don’t need this right now-”

“And that’s why I’m helping you-”

“I don’t want your god damned help-”

“And that’s why you’re getting it. Come on, don’t make this harder than-” Zen had pushed him back and sent him flying into the front desk, startling the attendant. Saeran muttered an apology and stood in front of him, feet grounded once more in case he decided to attack him once more.

“Just leave me alone, okay.”

“I can’t. MC would kill both of us if I did,” Saeran explained with his palms raised to the ceiling as if he were trying to reason with Zen that he truly had no other choice but to stick around until he finally submitted.

“MC won’t be around long enough to do anything to either of us,” Zen whispered, tear-laced lashes fanning across his cheeks as he closed his eyes, the alcohol loosening his tongue and heightening his emotional outburst. Saeran swallowed his shock for the moment, his mind quickly digesting the new information Zen had just given him. He didn’t think she was that bad but by seeing the normally suave and cocky actor looking like a homeless man trying to kill himself with alcohol was enough to know that he wasn’t being melodramatic about it. MC was going to die and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Saeran clamped his lips together to seal any shuddering breaths he had wanted to take, or any pathetic noise he was bound to make after hearing one of his closest friends was not long for this world. Breathing deeply from his nose and exhaling strongly through his mouth, Saeran nodded to himself as he made up his mind.

“All the more reason for you to get home to her.”

- Zen had wanted to fight him, to pick up another drink and just sit in the corner of the store and pretend just for a little bit longer that this wasn’t happening. But it wasn’t the truth. It was happening. And every second away from MC felt like another needle to his heart. If he didn’t have long left with her, no matter how long it was, shouldn’t he be with her as much as humanly possible?

- “Saeran… can I still get that ride?”

Saeran smiled and dangled the car keys from his right index finger.

“Sure. But if you puke in car I’m telling ‘Young you did it and you can be at his mercy for stinking up his baby.”

- He stumbled into their apartment and wandered back into the bedroom. MC still asleep.

- Zen tiptoed into the room and watched over her prone form, the rise and fall of her chest enough to ease the dread in his heart that she had left him while he was away drinking himself into oblivion. Slipping under the covers carefully, he cautiously took her into his embrace and allowed the tip of his nose to trace at her warm, soft skin, still clinging to the scent of their soap from their bath together earlier in the day.

- Everyday. Every minute. Every second. Always. He would never leave her side.

- MC was getting worse, even though neither of them was saying it, it was obvious her health was in decline. The pain in her head so strong that she couldn’t make a sound as she buried her head in her arms and shook on the bed, her mouth open to scream with no sound but stifled noises from the top of her throat able to come out. Sometimes even the softest ambient light hurt her and she would encase herself in total darkness, letting herself succumb to self-pity and allowed herself mourn the loss of what could have been.

- Still Zen tried his best to maintain the most normal of lives for her. They would eat in bed by candlelight. He would push her in a wheelchair around the city and he would put on fashion shows for her as she was too tired or weak to do it herself. They would watch black and white movies because they hurt her eyes less and they would drive- drive for hours sometimes just to see the world pass by and pretend that nothing else mattered but the two of them.

- “Hey Jagi?” he called out to her as he washed the dishes from lunch.

“Mmm?” she hummed back, sitting up in bed as she tried to read a book. It was a good day. Her vision wasn’t swimming and she could focus. It was so nice to be able to see Zen again.

“It’s a really nice day outside, you feeling up for a quick walk?” he chimed, turning off the water and made his way back to their bedroom to lean against the door frame. His hair had grown back much faster than hers she noted, the longest strands able to reach the end of his ears whereas she only managed to have the shortest of pixie cuts come through upon her head. She half joked she looked like an egg and Zen answered that it was no wonder he enjoyed heating her up and eating her. She scoffed at him and slapped him the next morning when he boiled up some eggs and drew their likenesses on the shells.

MC tested her limbs, first her arms and then her legs, everything seemed fine and she thought she could even walk a little on her own today- she was so sick of being stuck at home and being coddled between the couch and the bed, the bed and the dining table, the dining table to the bathroom. She wanted to feel the grass beneath her feet, if only for a moment. Feel the sun on her face without having a window between her and the rays. Hear children playing instead of trucks go past their house. Yes. Yes she wanted to go for a walk.

- Zen had helped her into the bath with him; he carefully washed her hair and scrubbed her back, pressing kisses on every new spot his hands had just cleaned. She was so relaxed she almost fell asleep until he asked if she had changed her mind about their outing and she sprang back up like a puppy being asked if they wanted to go out. Perhaps she was just like that. Not the way she’d imagined wearing a collar and lead with Zen but at this point she’d take whatever adventure she could get. Zen questioned the amused expression on her face but she refused to let him know the reasoning behind her secret merriment. She didn’t want to give him any ideas.

- She asked which park they were going to and he answered the one that was closest to them. MC pouted as he helped her get dressed in a pretty sundress she hadn’t worn for almost a year and a light cardigan to keep any chill away from her. She decided not to sulk too much, he probably chose the location because it was close to home and if she needed to go back if she had any symptom flare ups, she would be grateful to be back home as quickly as possible.

- The drive there took no longer than a couple of minutes and after finding a carpark quickly Zen had prepared to get her wheelchair out only for her to stop him, telling him that she wanted to try to stretch the cobwebs out of her legs to which he only smiled back and nodded. MC looked out of windscreen, there was some sort of party being held not too far from them. She could see some kids running and some people all gathered around and enjoying themselves and she felt an envious smile slip across her face. When was the last time she’d been well enough to attend a party? Goodness, nearly four months at least. Yoosung had practically cried when she and Zen had entered through the door, the blonde man clearly very drunk, enhancing his already tearful welcome.

- “Do you think we could steal some cake from that party over there?” she cheekily asked Zen as he opened her door and helped her stand up, her legs giving a tentative wobble as she acclimated herself. Her boyfriend smirked and had that devious glint in his eye that she only knew too well.

“Why don’t we go over and ask?”

- MC’s eyes widened as she realised that he absolutely meant to do as she asked. She swatted at him impatiently, telling him he was an idiot and that she didn’t mean it, she was just joking and…

- Those kids were her niece and nephews running around.

- The people congregated around were her mother and father, her sister, the RFA and some of Zen’s co-stars from their last project- this was for her?

- Jaehee came over with the biggest smile she had ever seen and placed a crown of flowers on her head and supplied her with a modest bouquet of wildflowers made up of her favourite blooms from their numerous nature walks, before kissing her on the cheek and walking away.

“What… what is… what is all this?” she asked, her heart constricting at the sight of all her favourite people around them, all smiling and some even crying. She turned to where Zen had been only to find her father come up behind her, his face ruddy with emotion as he offered his arm out to her. The other hand motioning for her to look ahead as she Zen positioning himself at what looked like an altar covered in the same wildflowers, Saeran behind him and Jaehee on the other side.

- MC could barely breathe, her heart soaring at the sight of the man she loved more than anything, waiting for her at the end of the aisle. His beaming face lighting up the area better than the sun ever could, his eyes fixed only on her and nothing else. He simply mouthed the words will you marry me and she nodded, so hard she thought she would her head would fall off, causing his smile to grow even more as he held out his open hand to her- just waiting for her to come to him.

- MC released a choked laugh as she clung onto her father’s arm, her other hand wrapped around the bouquet tightly to confirm this wasn’t just another dream, this was happening and it was real.

- When they finally reached Zen, her father placed a kiss on her temple and whispered words of love in her ear before taking a seat next to her sobbing mother. She took his hand and yes, thank god yes, it was all real.

- The ceremony was short, it had to be to ensure she would be able to endure it but she didn’t care. She would have stood there for days on end if it meant being able to marry the man beside her. Neither of them could take their eyes off each other, both having to be prompted by the wedding minister to answer “I do”.

- Their first kiss as man and wife was tinged with the salt of both their tears but nothing tasted sweeter to them. Not even the cake that MC had ‘stolen’ a slice of.

- The drive home, MC couldn’t stop smiling at the light glinting off their matching plain white gold bands, simple and elegant just like Zen was, the meaning behind the ring far more important than the kind of ring it was.

- He had promised a whole week of it just being them, no doctors, no visitors, nothing she didn’t want to do. It was just going to be her and him, the occasional bowl of cereal and their bed.

- Married life was much as the same as life before, nothing apart the signing of paper and rings to prove anything was different between them. However the knowledge that he was officially her husband and she his wife, it added a pep to his step, a deeper renewed vigour to continue to care for her no matter the outcome.

- She slept longer than normal, but after the excitement of the last couple of days he couldn’t blame her for being tired. She at least wasn’t complaining of pain anymore and her eyes weren’t too bad for the most part.

- It was into the second week of their elongated honeymoon after he had done his best to alleviate her sore neck as they sat on the couch that MC turned to him, her eyes wide with revelation.

“What is it Jagi?” he asked, massaging her head and relishing the feel of her soft hair on his palm. She hummed appreciatively and leaned into his touch, earning her a smile from her husband.

“We never had a first dance, at our wedding- we didn’t get to dance!” she said dreamily, still mesmerized by feel of his hands on her. Zen hadn’t wanted to push his luck during the wedding, he didn’t want to exert her too much and cause a random headache to appear or cause her any embarrassment if her legs tired in front of their guests, he knew how much she hated showing anyone her weakness- even him. Maybe him most of all. Though here, in the confines of their home, with only him and her, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to indulge in their first dance.

- Zen put on their favourite song on his phone and stood up with a flourish, executing his most perfect bow to his wife, his hand outstretched to her once again as she sat before him on the couch. MC laughed as she demurely bowed her head and slid her hand into his. He carefully helped her off the seat and locked his free arm around her middle, the curve of her waist fitting perfectly into the crook on his elbow. He had started to sing along to the music knowing how much MC enjoyed hearing him sing to her, MC joining in as much as she could in the parts she was sure her voice wouldn’t crack in. Zen didn’t care even if it did, he loved singing with her, off key and off pitch- it never mattered. The woman he loved was singing with him, nothing would ever sound as good as their voices together.

- Zen skilfully lifted her as he spun around, putting her feet on top of his as he could feel her start to waver in her steps, her hands griping his own so tightly.

“I’m so glad you’re my husband,” she said as she lay her head against his chest, suddenly too heavy to keep up on her own. Zen chuckled and pressed a kiss against her forehead as he continued to dance for them both.

“I told you Jagi, it’s going to be me and you forever.”

“Always, right?” she asked quietly, closing her eyes to listen to the sound of his heartbeat, so strong in her ear.

“Always,” he affirmed, bringing up her hand to kiss the back of it before placing it against chest beside her face. Only for it to fall down loose beside her.

- Zen stopped for a moment, it wasn’t the first time her limbs had failed her but never so suddenly.

“Jagi, you getting tired on me?”

- ��

- …

- “… Jagi.”

- …

- “… Jagiya.”

- …

- He couldn’t loosen his grip on her. He knew if he did her whole body would fall within his embrace and… to see her listless… lifeless… that wasn’t his MC. That wasn’t his wife.

- So Zen cupped the back of her head with his other arm lifting her up against him, her feet dangling above his as he continued to sway them back and forth to the music. And long after it finished.

- “I’m… I’m so glad to be your husband MC.”

- When his feet ached so much he could no longer stand and his arms burned to the point of numbness, both of them fell to the ground, his face buried in her chest as he cried the tears of man who would never learn to dance with another again. His feet only knew the beat she set for them. Zen would dance with her again one day but until then, they would remain still. Until he found her again.

- Always.

#mystic messenger #mysme fanfic #zen #zen x mc #hyun ryu #mysme headcanon #angst

92 notes · View notes

michaeljacksoncaptaineo · 4 years ago

Text

Today in History

On January 26, 1984, Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial.

UPI:

JAN. 28, 1984

Michael Jackson hospitalized after fireworks mishap on set of Pepsi commercial

ByJEFF HASEN

LOS ANGELES -- Superstar Michael Jackson, hospitalized with burns from fireworks that ignited his hair during filming of a commercial, was quietly discharged from a hospital Saturday against his doctor's recommendation.

Dr. Steve Hoefflin said he believed it was best for Jackson to stay at Brotman Memorial Hospital, but reluctantly agreed to his release at 12:30 p.m. PST (3:30 p.m. EST). Hours earlier, he had told reporters Jackson would be hospitalized 'for several days.'

'We recommended that Michael stay, but we determined this could be done as well out of the hospital as in the hospital,' Hoefflin said. 'Despite our recommendation, he felt he did want to be treated as an outpatient.

'He was quite happy. He felt better after a good night's sleep. He's in excellent health and was showing very rapid signs of recovery. He's very pleased it was not more of a severe burn.'

Hoefflin said he did not know where Jackson planned to go.

Jackson, 25, was dancing down a stairway at the Shrine Auditorium Friday night in a scene for a multi-million dollar Pepsi commercial when a special effects smoke bomb apparently misfired and set his pomade-slicked hair ablaze.

Nurse Pat Lavalas, the burn unit supervisor, said Jackson was in good spirits Saturday morning and he received many telephone calls, including get-well wishes from singers Teddy Pendergrass and Stephanie Mills.

'He left in good spirits and his condition is good,' she said. 'He didn't speak about the accident to us. He watched 'American Bandstand' this morning and people were getting his autograph.

He sang a Stephanie Mills song in the bathroom. He stayed in bed and opened telegrams, and he got a big kick out of one from a fan that said, 'I know you're hot, but this is ridiculous,'' the nurse said.

Just hours before Jackson's secretive departure, Hoefflin told reporters the singer was in satisfactory condition with second-degree burns and a small third-degree burn on the back of his head.

'He's in moderate pain, he's much more tired than we anticipated. He needs sleep at this time,' Hoefflin told reporters at a hospital news conference.

He said Jackson may require reconstructive surgery.

Jackson, the country's top singer, won seven American Music Awards earlier this month and picked up a record 12 Grammy nominations. Hoefflin said Jackson will be able to attend the Feb. 28 Grammy presentations at the Shrine 'if he feels up to it.'

A spokesman for Jackson said the singer requested that a tape of the accident be made public as soon as the film can be processed.

'Michael wants to make certain that his fans know exactly what happened,' Larry Larson told reporters at the hospital.

Asked if Jackson was contemplating a lawsuit, he said, 'There's no indication at this point.'

Hospital officials said the medical center had been inundated with thousands of phone calls since Jackson arrived and a spokesman pleaded with the public to stop calling, saying emergency calls could not get through.

The singer's 'Thriller' album topped the music charts last year, placing an unprecedented six singles -- including 'Billie Jean' and 'Beat It' -- in the top 10 and spawning several popular videos.

The accident Friday night occurred before a horrified audience of about 3,000 people who won tickets to the taping from a local radio station.

One witness told United Press International that Jackson removed his jacket without breaking stride and tried to put out the fire.

'There was supposed to be an explosion for his big entrance,' Daryoush Maze, 25, an extra in the cast, said. 'As he went off, an explosion went off and there was blue smoke all around his head and neck. There were no flames, just blue smoke from the stuff he had in his hair.

'It seemed like it was part of the show. He was doing it very professionally, still dancing. He's a good trouper.'

About a block from Jackson's boyhood home, nearly 1,000 people clad in their Sunday best jammed into a small, stuffy basketball gym to hear the candidate speak.

After a church choir sang a few hymns, Jackson's mother, wearing a deep blue dress and a 'Jackson in '84' button, triumphantly introduced her son to the throng.

Jackson took the stage and led the audience in his familiar 'I am somebody' chant.

'Our mission is justice at home and peace abroad,' he told the townspeople. 'I've watched the growth of this city and this state and I see the need for more growth.

'We have the need this day to have a spirit of redemption and reconciliation -- to rise above historic divisions that have stunted our growth. This is a period for us to beat our swords into plowshares.'

Jackson spoke of Greenville as once being the textile capital of the world, and noted the slump in the industry today that has put thousands out of work.

He called for an end to the 'dislocation of the textile industry.'

'This generation must realize when a plant closes, it closes without notice. Men cannot feed their families; mothers cannot nourish their children. That kind of reckless economic conduct must challenge us to open a new economic order.'

Jackson also visited a small bar that sponsors a softball team Jackson played on during the 1960s.

The presidential hopeful was the team's starting first baseman.

'He's a long-ball hitter,' said Charles Chiles, a patron of the establishment who remembers Jackson's days on the softball field.

Jackson also climbed onto the fender of a brown Cadillac parked near the bar during the afternoon and urged about 200 onlookers to register to vote.

'You can help me and you can help yourself,' he said. 'If we register to vote our children will not have to grow up as we did. They can get jobs. They can develop and grow.

'We can not only hang around on the corner, we can own the corner.'

Moonwalk book page 235-238:

Later one of the doctors told me that it was a miracle I was alive. One of the firemen had mentioned that in most cases your clothes catch on fire in which case the whole face can be disfigured or you can die. That’s it. I third-degree burns On the back of my head that’s Almost went through to my skull, so we had a lot of the problems with it, But I was very lucky.

What we now know is that the incident created a lot of publicity for the commercial. They sold more Pepsi than ever before. And they came back to me later and offered me the biggest commercial endorsement Fee in history. It was so unprecedented But it went into The Guinness Book of World Records. Pepsi and I worked together on another Commercial called” The Kid”, And I gave them problems by limiting the shots of me because I felt the shots they were asking for didn’t work well. Later, when the commercial was a success, he told me I had been right.

I still remember how scared those Pepsi excuses looked the night of the fire. They thought that my getting burned would leave a bad taste in the mouth every kid in America who drank Pepsi. They knew I could have sued him and I could have. But I was real nice about it. Real nice. They gave me $1,500,000 Which I immediately donated to the Michael Jackson Burn Center. I wanted to do something because I was so moved By the other burn patient I met while I was in the hospital.

“ I have a plan to spend most of 1984 working on some movie ideas we had, But those plans got sidetracked. First, in January, I Was burned On the set of a Pepsi commercial I was shooting with my brothers.

The reason for the fire stupidity, pure and simple. We were shooting tonight and I Wassupposed To come down a staircase yes magnesium flash bombs Going off on either side of me and just behind me. It seemed so simple. I wanted to walk down the stairs and these bombs Would blow up. We did several takes that were wonderfully timed. The lighting effects from the bombs were great. Only later did I find out that these bombs Were only two feet away from either side of my head, which was a total Disregard of the safety regulations. I was supposed to stand in the middle of a magnesium explosion, two feet on either side.

Then Bob Giraldi, the director, Came to me and said, “ Michael, you are going down too early. We want To see you up there, up on the stairs. When the lights come on, we want to reveal that you’re there, so wait”

So I waited, the bombs went off on either side of my head, and the sparks set My hair on fire. I was dancing down the ramp and turning around, spinning not knowing I was on fire. Suddenly I filled my hands reflexively going to my head In an attempt to smother the flames. Are you feeling down and just tried to shake the Flames out. Jermaine Turned around and saw me on the ground, Just after the explosions had gone off, and he thought I was shot be someone In the crowd — ‏because we were shooting In front of a big audience. That what I looked like to him.

Miko Brando , Who works for me, was the first person to reach me. After that, it was clhaos. It was crazy. No for me could probably capture The drama of what went on That night. The crowd was screaming. Someone shouted, “ Get some ice! “ There were fantic running sounds. People were yelling,” Oh no!”. The emergency truck came up And before they Put me in Isow the Pepsi excutives huddled together in a corner, looking terrified. I remember the medical people putting me on a cot And the guys from Pepsi were so scared They couldn’t

even bring themselves to check on me.

Meanwhile, I was kind of detached, despite the terrible pain, I was watching all the drama unfold. Later they told me, I was in shock, but I remember enjoying the ride to the hospital because I never thought I’d ride in an ambulance with the sirens wailing. It was one of those things I had always wanted to do when I was growing up. We got there, They told me there news crews Outside, so I asked for my glove. There’s a famous shot one waving from the stretcher with my glove on. hooting tonight and I Wassupposed To come down a staircase yes magnesium flash bombs Going off on either side of me and just behind me. It seemed so simple. I wanted to walk down the stairs and these bombs Would blow up. We did several takes that were wonderfully timed. The lighting effects from the bombs were great. Only later did I find out that these bombs Were only two feet away from either side of my head, which was a total Disregard of the safety regulations. I was supposed to stand in the middle of a magnesium explosion, two feet on either side.

even bring themselves to check on me.

https://youtu.be/DkMNn7TA0pg

youtube

#mj mjj mjlegacy mjisthebestofthebest michaeljackson bahamas #moonwalker #mjfanandproudofit #neverland #pepsico #pepsiad #commercial #hair #realking #royalty #kingofpop #mjthehusband #applehead #mjisinnocent #Youtube

3 notes · View notes

glolovescats · 5 years ago

Text

A story of me and my history. My experiences.

CW - trauma, sexual assault, mental health struggles (ADHD, BPD, OCPD, Depression, PTSD, Autism??), self harm, addiction, psychological abuse

I’m 27 years old, non binary, AFAB. I am the older middle child of 4, all of my siblings are brothers.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) and most recently PTSD.

My first psych evaluation was when I was 5 years old, and I have recently found the notes from that evaluation and they point to early onset BPD traits as well as ADHD. Though it is stated repeatedly throughout the notes that they could not complete a full assessment because I refused to participate in any activity or or engage with anything that I deemed “too difficult” instead spending more time on the things that I was comfortable with such as painting.

My favourite lines from the assessment are as follows:

“If she is not motivated by an activity, she trends to wander off physically and mentally. However if interested, she can concentrate for long periods of time.”

“*Deadname* was a great talker and loved to tell stories on and off topic. She had a keen sense of her own capabilities and was often self-critical of her work stating ‘it does not look good.’ It was very difficult to change her mind and she appeared to want to be in control of the situation.”

I remember after this assessment being medicated for ADHD for a few months. My parents called them my “hyper pills” because if I was hyper it meant I probably hadn’t taken them..... yikes.

After those few months, for whatever reasons my parents took me off the medication.

I have had a very intense oral fixation since a very young age, biting my nails for as long as I remember and being a thumb-sucker, not just during sleep but during awake hours as well, until I was 9 years old.

When I was 11 I began self harming, as a way to release my emotional energy and tensions and soothe myself.

When I was 13 I told my mom about my self harming, at which point she sent me to a psychiatrist again. I was again diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication, which I remained on until my second year of college when I decided I didn’t want to be medicated anymore. As a teen, I continued to self harm but hid it from my mom as she was very critical and cruel in her reactions to it. Anytime I had emotional outbursts (which was, fairly often) I would be asked “have you taken your meds today!!?” as if that would solve everything going on. I spent many hours curled up in a ball in my closet crying, sobbing, feeling like I was going to explode, then hurting myself to calm down.

When I left home for college, I developed anorexia. I stopped cutting myself, but began hitting myself repeatedly until bruises formed, then maintaining those bruises over long periods of time as a new form of self harm. It was also in this time that my love of cannabis started to really form (I had enjoyed it as well as a teen, but in limited capacities as I lived with parents who I had to hide it from, and they were quite controlling over my social life and free time)

After 2 years of college, my first queer partner, whom I still feel very fondly for and maintain a very strong friendship with, noticed not only my eating disorder but also my self harm habit, and convinced me to seek help. A few months later I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, and put back on medications. I was 19 then, I am 27 now and still on that same medication, though the dose has varied throughout the years depending on my emotional state.

I went through some other relationships, some healthy, some less so.

I became more and more in love with cannabis. SPending what little money I had on it. “Borrowing” some from friends and lovers. Smoking when I woke up, in the afternoon, and before bed, sometimes throughout all hours of the day.

When I was 23 I fell in love with a man named Derek. It was the first cis man I had ever truly fallen in love with, and that love became... toxic. Obsessive. At the time I would have called it passionate but I know now that it was very unhealthy. I put everything in my life aside for him. I risked pregnancy not because I wanted a child (I never have) but because I wanted to make sure he would never leave me. This is also when my love of cannabis solidified into an addiction. I was using it to cope with the pain of being so desperately in love with someone who, wasn’t very good at catering to my needs, to put it lightly. He was a dealer at the time, this was before it became legalized in Canada so dealers were still very much needed. So I always had access to it, and for free or cheap. We would wake up in the middle of the night and go smoke a couple bowls before heading back into bed. We smoked all day every day, it was what our relationship revolved around. We would also take large amounts of MDMA on the weekends and go out dancing from midnight to 8 or 9am at the after hours clubs, then go home and smoke to ease the come down. This gave me a love for MDMA which is a terrible thing for someone with low serotonin to begin with.

Nearly two years into our relationship, my friends started to notice that I wasn’t being treated well, that I was always hurting, always longing for more from him, and always pushing aside my needs to accommodate him. They begged me to leave him. I was having breakdowns, even with my antidepressants. I was self harming again. I was having rage blackouts. I was hurting. A few months later, he broke up with me. I begged him not to. I promised I could be right for him. We just had to try. He didn’t want to try.

Now, 4 years later, I’m so glad he didn’t. Yes, my heart was shattered in that moment, yes it sent me on a spiral, but I see now how toxic the relationship was and he is not anything like the person I would want to be with for life.

At that time I was living in towns on the outskirts of Toronto, but his dumping me gave me the push I needed to move to into the city, which I did, y months later. March 15th 2017. Moving to Toronto meant more freedom, more access to all the things that made me happy - a queer community, a polyam community *I discovered Polyamoury about 2 months after our breakup and realized how much I needed it*, more job opportunities, more diversity and acceptance. It also meant higher rent, higher weed prices as I was now buying from dispensaries, higher transit costs and generally higher cost of living. Some of my new friends were sex workers and it... appeared enticing for me. however I didn’t feel close enough with these friends yet to ask details about safety, vetting, standards, etc.

Well, I decided to get into sex work for myself, without really knowing what i was getting into. I’m not going to get into much detail here because my PTSD stems directly from these experiences and I don’t want to trigger myself right now. But I spent 2 years working as a Sugar Baby and Full Service Sex Worker. I did not have standards. I was driven by my need to maintain my weed habit - which was at least 2 grams/day - so on average about $600/month or more. I didn’t take safety into mind more than letting my roommate know the given name and phone number of the person I was meeting up with. This led to... a lot of fucked up situations. A lot of pain and trauma. I was constantly high, which allowed my to dissociate while these things were happening to me and suppress the memories quite quickly. By this time in my addiction, I was never NOT stoned. On top of that I would occasionally take MDMA before or during a date to maintain a peppy mood and appearance. On March 1st 2019, after realising that I wasn’t even making money off of all of it, I was driven far into debt by trying to maintain appearances and a lifestyle that i just couldn’t afford, and a realization that I was dissociating whenever I was being intimate with a client OR a friend or loved one... I decided to leave the industry. It’s been over a year now.

In the first year of my living in Toronto I saw a psychiatrist about my mental instability, my rage blackouts, my obsessiveness. I was diagnosed with BPD and put on a mood stabilizer, which I admit has helped a lot in terms of my heightened emotions and rage problems.

During those first 2 years in Toronto, I was also in a queer, polyam relationship with a person named Laurel. At first i was drawn to their softness, their creativity, their ability to be vulnerable with me and others. Eventually, that vulnerability became co dependance. They used me as a crutch, they took all of my emotional energy for themselves and never gave any in return. While I was being traumatized, I was also supporting them through their mental health struggles and ignoring my own. They had a bad habit of disregarding and stomping all over my boundaries. even after we would discuss them and i would make compromises. I was being abused by this inherently toxic person (I say that, having many friends who have witnessed and felt the toxicity from this person as well). By April 2019 I was drained, I was traumatized, I was falling into a pit and being pushed down even further by the person who claimed to love me. When I tried to set boundaries I was met with threats of suicide, manipulating me into staying with them longer. But eventually I started to see through it and I just couldn’t anymore. I ended it. Which was met with a lot of cruelty and more manipulation to the point where eventually I had to just block them from every form of contact and move on.

Throughout the year after that, my weed habit maintained, and got even more intense, going up to closer to 3 grams/day and including concentrates and edibles as well. I was always high. Always numb. I couldn’t remember anything. I couldn’t focus during conversations even if I was really interested in what we were talking about. I couldn’t stay awake, I would pass out while hanging out with friends, while on public transit, in movie theatres.. anywhere. I could hardly get out of bed in the mornings and when I did I would go straight for the bong.

I was constantly fatigued and I felt numb. I didn’t want to believe my precious cannabis could be doing this to me though, so I begged my doctor to refer me to a psych to discuss changing medications, assuming it was my meds giving me these side effects. That psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCPD, saying that he believes this is what has always caused the depression and anxiety, and he also diagnosed me with CUD - Cannabis Use Disorder - essentially a fancy way of saying I’m an addict and my drug of choice is cannabis. He told me that he would not touch my meds until I either drastically cut back my usage or stopped altogether.

I was devastated, I hated the idea of having to not smoke weed anymore. And I knew I would HAVE to stop altogether because my many many many attempts in the past to cut back were never successful. I knew then that I was an addict, just like my alcoholic father, my alcoholic and cocaine addict younger brother. I knew I had the gene too.

I discovered MA - Marijuana Anonymous, which is like AA or NA but for stoners. My dad had been sober for 11 years with the help of rehab and AA so I figured I would give it a shot. I smoked my last bowl on February 29th, I went to my first meeting on March 1st. I haven’t smoked or consumed any cannabis products since. It’s over 4 months now. I also made the conscious decision to be sober from alcohol as in the past my attempts at smoking less weed led to drinking more alcohol. I know I need to fight my addiction as an entire entity, not just as one substance.

In the past 4 months I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. Not only with sobriety, but with the pandemic hitting Canada mid march, forcing me out of work and stuck at home, it’s had both positive and negative effects. My first month of sobriety I was fairly manic, I wasn’t as hazy and groggy and fatigued, I had also just started taking Vyvanse - a stimulant - for my ADHD. So I was very motivated and I was cleaning and creating and doing all these things I could with my free time. Then about a month and a half into it I started to get physically depressed - I say it that way because my mind felt ok. IO wasn’t having catastrophic thinking or suicidal ideation or desires to self harm - but I was feeling very avoidant and sleeping and napping so much more. Two months in, my memories that I had been suppressing with the constant high started to come through to my conscious. Sometimes they were childhood or teen memories, which I could mostly cope with. But then came the memories from the sex work. The traumatic experiences. The shame that surrounds them. I was having invasive thoughts. I would lay my head down to sleep and suddenly be in flashbacks. I had known for a long time (about a year, since leaving the industry) that I was triggered into panic attacks by intimacy and touch, but I didn’t know exactly what was causing those panic attacks. I just knew that touch made me feel so unsafe. Well, now I knew why. One night I called my sponsor, crying, stuck in a loop of flashbacks and memories and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. And then the words just flowed out of me, I said “I think maybe I have PTSD”. Luckily for me, I already had a follow up appointment with my psychiatrist scheduled for the next week. I told him everything that was happening, that I was remembering things but then getting stuck in flashbacks and shame and cycling thoughts. He then diagnosed me with PTSD. He suggested we go back up to a slightly higher dose of my antidepressant while maintaining my other medications (I’m still on the mood stabilizer and the stimulant) and urged me to find ongoing therapy. My sponsor had sent me a link to a group of psychotherapists who work on a low budget sliding scale, so I referred myself to them and within 48 hours had a free 50 minute consultation scheduled.

Where am I now?

Struggling with the invasive thoughts which make me feel depressed, but knowing where they stem from is helpful. Awaiting my therapy consultation which is in a couple of days, hoping it’s a good match and that we can start speaking weekly or every other week depending on cost.

For a while now I’ve been trying to decipher whether I really do have ADHD< BPD and OCPD all blended together, or if I’m really autistic, because so many of my traits and symptoms overlap with autism. I’m doing my research now on traits of autism and seeing where I identify. I doubt I would ever get a diagnosis, as doctors would rather believe we have all these other disorders rather than autism (stigma), but to know where I feel I fit would be helpful. I have some friends on the spectrum and I’ve reached out to them to discuss as well. My youngest bother is autistic but he really fits the “autistic teen boy” stereotypes which I do not. And I understand that autism can present very differently in different genders and different people. Personally, I believe I may be Autistic and have PTSD. But I will continue to pursue ongoing therapy, as well as DBT therapy, to address my behaviours and see where I can learn to cope better.

I am probably the most single polyam person you could meet. I have no intention of dating, though I do have a couple crushes I intend to grow strong friendships with, until I have learned to cope with the PTSD and intimacy triggers. In a way it’s as if I am currently feeling asexual, because even the thought of kissing someone I like triggers me into a panic. But I don’t believe that I will feel this way forever so I don’t use asexual as an identifier or label for myself. I am not working, though still technically employed, my job is in the travel industry and we don’t expect to have enough meaningful work to return to until at least the fall. When i do return to work I’ll be doing so remotely, as will most of the employees of our company. So I have less transit expenses, less time constraints, and more freedom to focus on myself and my personal development. I’ve made this tumblr to explore and learn more about autism in adults. As well as to have something to do and distract myself with when i start to enter a depressive cycle. SO this blog will be a mix of mental health and neuro-divergent info posts, along with cute animals, selfies, travel photos, and maybe a little shit posting - as a treat.

Welcome, and thank you for reading my story. If you have any questions or relate to any of it and want to chat, my inbox is open.

2 notes · View notes

pyropsychiccollector · 5 years ago

Text

Naezono Week, Day 7: Promise

The Ultimate Pop Sensation looked down at the gift curiously.

“A ring...?” She echoed faintly.

The Luckster in front of her rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly.

“I know it’s not much, and might even be a bit cheesy, but I wanted to make my promise more… concrete. Y’know?” Makoto laughed in embarrassment as he tried to find the right words. “Anyone can ‘say’ they’re gonna help you get out of here… But I guess… I wanted something to back my words up.”

“… And you settled on a Love Status Ring?” Sayaka wondered aloud, still eyeing the gift in her palm.

Makoto’s face flushed at that. He waved his hands defensively and spluttered nervously.

“I-It doesn’t have to mean anything you don’t want it to…! I just… we don’t have a lot in here that’s, well, ours.” Pink dusted his cheeks as he looked off to the side. “I know just giving out a prize from that machine in the shop is a bit… thoughtless… B-But something about it seemed… right.”

Sayaka blinked as she looked up at the Luckster curiously.

“Seemed right…?” She echoed. Makoto nodded absently.

“Y-Yeah…” His blush deepened, but he raised his head to meet the idol’s eyes. “… You’re my friend, and I care about you. I don’t know much about love, but I still want you to find that special someone, someday. And since there’s more chance of finding that person out there than in here… I thought… it could be like a beacon of hope until you get out of here? Ehe…”

As the Luckster chuckled nervously and averted his gaze downward once again, shuffling his feet, Sayaka continued to stare at him with awestruck eyes. She had not expected this from the shy, average-looking boy. When she had wrung that promise to help her escape no matter what out of him, she was perfectly fine at taking him at his word. Inadvertently making him promise that in the first place was already more than enough to suit her goals, which were growing more and more desperate by the minute. What more could she ask, with him wrapped around her finger as he was?

… But here it was. Makoto going above and beyond her expectations, yet again. The Luckster didn’t just care about her safety and health… he wanted to secure her happiness, too. In any way he could, even if it came off as borderline romantic. Most girls that were as popular as her would have taken advantage of the poor boy without a second thought, if they were in this position. Disregard his genuine feelings, snub him. Some rotten soul might even use Makoto, had he bared his heart like this to them; as an idol, one of the popular crowd, some really shady possibilities sprang to mind.

… And therein lied the rub.

Sayaka needed Makoto. Her idol group was at risk, and she needed to escape immediately. As risky as murder was, having a scapegoat circumvented at least part of the problem that Rule 6 hinted at – being found out by their peers. Makoto promised that he’d help her, no matter what; she didn’t doubt that he would cover for her when push came to shove. He would feel conflicted because of the lengths she went to… feel hurt that she used him… But she would have his support. Of course she didn’t want to betray him in such a way. She’d rather not betray him at all.

She looked at the ring in her palm with a furrowed brow.

… Why was he making this even more impossible?

“Well… I guess it’s getting late, so we should probably get some rest!” Makoto remarked, after a while. Sayaka blinked as she realized she’d been lost in thought.

“Hey, Makoto… Before that…” Sayaka looked up at him suddenly with a beaming smile, catching the boy off-guard. “Would you mind doing me a favor?”

“S-Sure…” Makoto hesitantly agreed. “What’s up?”

Sayaka held her hand out with the ring still in her palm.

“I want you to put it on me.” The idol chirped, giggling at his nonplussed expression. “I just want to put it on the right hand, y’know? You can help me, right?”

Makoto spluttered a little at the request, but feebly he nodded and moved to comply, picking up the ring.

“S-Sure… Uh, let’s see… right hand…” Makoto’s brow furrowed as his free hand grasped one of the idol’s, and he hesitated. “Erm…”

Sayaka giggled at how careful he was… He really was sweet.

“Careful now~…” The idol teased. “With the ring on the right hand, I’m searching for love… With the left hand, well~…”

Well, she didn’t really need to say it. Judging by his increasingly frantic expression, Makoto didn’t need the additional pressure. But still, the idol found it so fun, teasing him. It definitely took her mind off of more stressful matters.

Her eyes bugged out a little when he took her other hand, in a fit of panic… and slipped the ring onto her ring finger. It was clearly a hasty decision on his part, but he breathed a happy sigh of relief now that the choice was out of his hands.

“That should do it…” The Luckster said bashfully as he let go of her hand and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well… I’ll see ya tomorrow!”

Sayaka couldn’t even utter a “good night” in her frazzled state, gaze locked firmly on the ring on her hand. Even after several minutes she stayed rooted in place, lost in the whirlwind of her mind. Steadily, Sayaka released a shaky breath after a while… a fond smile tugged at her lips, in spite of everything.

“Oh, Makoto…”

~*~

Weeks later…

“You look pretty happy.” Makoto couldn’t help grinning as he walked up to her, holding two cups of tea in his hands. Sayaka gratefully accepted one. “Munakata get a lead on your idol group?”

Sayaka hummed thoughtfully at his guess. It was a fair assumption; she’d been hyper-focused on searching for them, after escaping Hope’s Peak.

“… No, not yet.” Sayaka answered honestly. She sipped her tea with a serene expression, and then flashed him a pleasant smile. “You still make the best tea, Makoto…”

The Luckster just rubbed the back of his neck modestly.

“I dunno about that… I’d still say I’m average at it, like everything else.” He chuckled sheepishly.

Sayaka’s smile shrank a little at his modesty. She still needed to work on that with him, like so many other things…

“You’re not average at everything, Makoto… Not just anybody can defeat Junko Enoshima. Or get Togami to be less of an asshole. Or keep everyone together in the middle of a crisis.” Her smile grew back when she saw the Luckster shuffle his feet awkwardly. “You did those things, Makoto. No one else did – and I don’t think they even could. Not even calm, collected Kirigiri.”

“I still think you’re giving me too much credit…” Makoto muttered. “I mean, between you and Kirigiri…”

Sayaka just shook her head, clacking her cup on the table before looking back up at him with a serious gaze.

“Not in there. Makoto… more than once, I was ready to just give up and commit murder like Junko wanted. That’s not an exaggeration.”

“But…! You held yourself together!” Makoto argued back, faltering at the self-depreciating smile she flashed him.

“All that time being antagonized by Monokuma and our crazy classmates, and you never wondered how?” Sayaka giggled softly before turning her gaze out the window. “I never would’ve made it out if you hadn’t been there with me, Makoto. I’m sure it was the same for the others… But it was especially true for me.”

Makoto blushed a little at the way she confessed that. Her tone was soft, heartfelt, vulnerable… The idol was baring her heart to him here.

“Well… it’s the same for me.” Makoto argued, a hand over his heart. “I wouldn’t have made it without you… without everyone… I don’t think anyone could live through a crisis of that magnitude by themselves.”

Her smile turned bittersweet as she turned back his way.

“I think you could’ve soldiered on without me…” She clutched at her chest, gaze slightly turning downward. “If you’d died in there… I would have broken, without a doubt. But you… Makoto, you’re so much stronger. I just know you would have carried on just fine.”

The idol’s breath hitched as Makoto soothingly placed a hand over her hand that was resting on the table. She looked up into his eyes in surprise.

“If we’re talking like that…” Makoto chuckled self-depreciatingly. He argued soulfully. “Maybe I would have soldiered on, but I wouldn’t have been ‘just fine’… You’re special to me, Sayaka. A part of me would literally die with you.” He argued soulfully.

Sayaka’s eyes softened. She interlaced their fingers together, and she didn’t miss the irony that it was the hand with the ring on it.

“Makoto…” Her tone was tender. Raw. She was truly touched by his words, feelings, and actions. And it brought her back full circle to what she’d been thinking, before he’d brought the tea…

Makoto had kept his promise. He had helped her escape. Had helped them all to escape, the ones who survived. He’d made that error with the ring… though in hindsight, Sayaka supposed it wasn’t much of an error on his part, so much as it was her underestimating her feelings at the time.

“… Hey, Makoto…? I’ve got a present.” The idol abruptly spoke up.

Makoto blinked owlishly at the sudden declaration.

“F-For me?”

She nodded.

“Close your eyes~…” She chirped. The boy hesitantly complied, and he felt the idol grab his other hand before slipping onto it. “Okay~! You can open them again.”

Makoto did so, and he was stunned to find the Love Status Ring… on his left hand. He did a double-take when he saw the ring he’d given Sayaka still on her own hand. Okay, a Love Status Ring.

“S-Sayaka…?” He trailed off hesitantly, noticing something else.

She’d placed her gift on his left hand.

“It’s only fair~…” The idol beamed contentedly. “You proposed to me first.”

“P-P-PROPOSED?!” The flustered boy spluttered. He then realized… he’d switched the left and right on Sayaka’s hands, facing her.

He’d placed the Love Status Ring on her left hand. On her ring finger no less.

“I’m not mad,” Sayaka placated the mortified Luckster. “I’m relieved I don’t have to shift it from one hand to the other… Because I have you, Makoto. I don’t need another.”

The pop idol then stood up and wrapped him in a warm, affectionate hug. Makoto rigidly reciprocated, too awestruck by the words and actions of his best friend. He reeled all the more when she actually kissed him. On the lips. Not too short, but definitely not long enough for Makoto to reciprocate. Sayaka drew back her head, but didn’t let up on the hug.

“You promised to help me. To even keep me happy. Now… I want to promise you the same. Okay?” Sayaka smiled brightly, and Makoto felt so empowered by such a simple action. He strengthened his half of the hug and returned her smile with a small one of his own.

“… Okay.”

.... They both knew this promise was a mutual one they would be keeping for the rest of their lives.

~*~

... Weeks late, but here Day 7 is. I just wanted to write SOMETHING for the last day. XD

#Danganronpa #Makoto Naegi #Sayaka Maizono #Makoto x Sayaka #Naegi x Maizono #Naezono #Naezono Week #Naezono Week 2019

24 notes · View notes

rorynne · 6 years ago

Text

Reckless

Pairing: Doctor!Bucky Barnes/Barton!Reader

Summary: You aren't really known for making the best life choices. But maybe Doctor Barnes can convince you to be a little less risky?

Warnings: Doctor!AU, mild swearing, vague depictions of injury and general doctoring.

Word count: 1.6k

A/N: This was inspired by two asks sent to @bucky-plums-barnes that i just really wanted to see made into a fic. So here it is, unbeta’d and barely proof read. Dont say i didnt warn you

You weren’t hurt, sore, maybe, but you were not hurt. You winced as your friend hit a pothole in just the wrong way, okay maybe you were a little more than sore, bruised. It wasn't even the worst thing you've done all week, you just... landed wrong, that's all. It's definitely not as bad as that time with the fire pokers. Natasha shot a frustrated glance at you in the rear view mirror as she drove, “Who the hell has the brilliant idea to jump off a two story building sober?”

“Clint dared me, what the hell was I supposed to do? Be a coward?” You defended as Natasha sent her poisonous glare to the man sitting in the passenger seat. A man who probably has collected as many scars and injuries as you have over the years, you two were not known for good decision making.

“Hey!” Clint threw his hands into the air, “Don't drag me into this I wasn't the one that jumped.”

“Yeah you did you went first!”

“Why do I associate with you two?” Natasha groaned as she pulled in front of the hospital. “Clint, carry them inside so I can find a place to park,” she ordered and Clint jumped into action, very carefully pulling you out of the back seat. You winced as a shock of pain pulsed through you when he touched your ribs, yeah, bruised.

The wait for the ER wasn’t nearly as long as you expected it to be, probably because Clint ended up carrying you into the hospital, alerting all of the nearby staff. It only took about ten minutes for your name to be called. A nurse forced you into a wheelchair as she seen you attempt to limp to the examination room, much to your dismay. She quickly got to work taking your vitals and taking you to get x-rays done before wheeling you into your examination room.

“Seriously, I think everyone is getting far too worked up about this, I feel fine,” you said to Clint and Natasha as you waited for the doctor.

“You didn't see how your head hit the pavement.” Clint said, making sure not to meet Natasha’s glare.

You threw your head back in frustration causing the dull ache in your head to explode into a burst of pain. You hissed, holding your head in one hand before finally adding, “Yea but it stopped bleeding, that's all that matters right? This is a complete waste of time.”

As if to answer your question, the exam room door opened, and in stepped a young doctor with steel blue eyes and brown hair tied into a messy man bun. Well damn, if the ER doctors were going to be this cute maybe it wasn't a waste of time. “When I seen ‘Barton’ on the chart I was expecting Clint’s name next to it. You didn't tell me there was two of them Natasha.” The doctor said, shaking his head as he looked at the charts.

“Hey, I already had my monthly visit to the ER, doc.” Clint protested before gesturing to you, “Now it's their turn.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow as he looked between the two of you, “There was far too much to unpack in that statement than we can get to today.” He sighed before sticking out his hand to you “I’m Doctor James Barnes, but you can call me Bucky. I've already patched your brother up on a number of occasions. How are you feeling?”

You blinked once or twice before shaking his hand, “I feel fine, I’m just a little bruised is all. I promise you Dr. Barnes, these two are just overreacting.”

Bucky glanced at you incredulously before looking at Natasha who was thoroughly unamused at driving her friend to the ER at three in the morning. “Does a general disregard for their own health and safety run in the family?”

“No.” You and Clint answered in unison.

“Yes.” Natasha said, arms crossed.

Bucky sighed, “Well, you have two broken ribs according to the x rays, but your ankle isn't broken so that's a plus.” He shined a light into your eyes, causing you to wince in pain as your headache pulsed angrily. “Do you know what year it is, doll?”

You paused, distracted by the nickname, “Uh, what?”

“What year is it?”

You grew slightly distracted again as you noticed the sway of two dog tags hanging from his neck, “2019?” You almost guessed, forcing your attention back to his question.

He nodded at the answer, checking things off on his clipboard, “Any head pain, nausea, dizziness?”

“I hit my head on the pavement, Of course it hurts.” You shrugged, sounding a bit snippier than you intended. “I mean, yeah but I’m okay, I walked it off.”

He raised a concerned eyebrow as he moved to your ankle. “How did you even manage all of this?”

“Yes Y/N, Tell the nice doctor how this all happened.” Natasha frowned, leaning back into her seat. You flushed slightly as the ridiculousness of the plan set in.

“Well, I mean, Clint and I were watching some parkour videos, where people jumped off high ledges and stuff.” Bucky’s eyebrows shot up in horror as you started your story, completely distracted from treating you ankle. “So we tried jumping from the roof of our apartment building. Turns out it's harder than it looks.” He looked at you dumbstruck, before opening his mouth and closing it.

“You could have broken your neck and died. You're lucky that you're even sitting here for me to patch you up doll.” He frowned, as he started to wrap a bandage around your ankle. “You've got a sprained ankle, two broken ribs, and a concussion out of the deal. You shouldn't be so reckless.”

You winced as he tightened the wrapping, “I've walked away from worse. Normally I just don't bother coming in unless I don't stop bleeding, or something is bent wrong.”

“You shouldn't be walking at all,” he argued, growing slightly frustrated by your disregard for your health. “You could have seriously been hurt, and honestly you should be coming into the ER for much less than this.” You bit your lip at his pleading face, he looked like a kicked puppy as he scolded you for your recklessness. Did he really have any right to be this damn cute? The answer to that was no, but you sure as hell weren't complaining. “Next time you get hurt like this, promise me you aren't going to try to walk it off? I already know enough reckless punks to last me a lifetime.”

He looked at you with his kicked puppy face and you felt your stomach flutter. “I promise.” You mutter as he helped you up and handed you a set of crutches. Maybe coming to the ER wasn't so bad after all.

You started to become a regular face at the hospital, much to Bucky’s relief and dismay. As it turns out, you are more reckless than your brother, often finding yourself in Bucky’s exam room once or twice a week, each time earning a thorough scolding from him on making good choices. Every once in a while his lectures would be peppered with pet names and flirtatious remarks that sent your heart a flutter. When he wasn't available to take care of you, his friend Steve would make sure to patch you up then usually minus the scolding.

Slowly, Bucky started to expect you to come in on certain days, usually the weekend, late at night seemed to be when you had your brilliant daredevil ideas. When you came in at different times, the other doctors and nurses were all sure to let him know you were okay. He took solace in knowing that, as long as you were coming in, that meant you were at least breathing.

A solace that was cracked when one week, you just didn’t come in. No one had seen you, or Clint, all week causing Bucky to grow concerned. Had you just not gotten hurt? At this point he wondered if that were even possible for you. Had you fallen back into not going to the ER? That was possible, but you always seemed happy to be patched up by him, would you really just suddenly stop? Inevitably his mind fell to the worst possible outcome, one that Steve had to repeatedly remind him probably wasn't the case.

It only got worse when two more weeks passed without you showing up. Bucky felt like he was losing his mind. He was practically sick with worry, trying not to do something stupid himself, when the head nurse handed him a medical chart. “Your patient is in room three.” She smiled slyly before moving onto the next task in her day. His heart leapt to his throat when he seen the name on the chart.

The relief he felt seeing you as he opened the exam room door was unimaginable. You looked up at him sheepishly with a badly swollen wrist, He was just glad you weren't dead. “Where on earth have you been doll?” he asked, quickly getting to work on bandaging your sprained wrist.

“You kept telling me that I should be less reckless, so I decided to try it out.” You have a slight chuckle of a laugh and scrunched your nose before you continued. “Turns out it's boring.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “You're gonna give me a heart attack doll. Do you know how worried I was not seeing you for three weeks?”

You stared at him biting your lip. “You know,” you said eventually, “there's other ways to be able to see me that don't require a trip to the hospital.”

He paused, looking up from bandaging your wrist before nodding and giving his flirtatious smirk. “Do you want to meet up for lunch this week doll?”

You grinned at his invitation. “Sounds like it'll be more fun than spraining my wrist trying to climb a wall.”

His jaw dropped. “You did what?!”

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky #marvel fic #bucky x you #bucky x y/n

94 notes · View notes

stories-in-the-stars · 6 years ago

Text

The Fallen and the Wandering

Surprise, surprise :)

Posting this today because tomorrow I might be too busy.

As always, please check reblogs for links to Ao3.

~*~

Chapter 11

There was not much time to waste. Adam’s first concern was for those people who had come to gather around him, fearful but willing to help. Shiro, Keith, and the others were unceremoniously shuffled to the side as Adam discussed what should be done. The storm outside was showing no signs of flagging. If Keith was any judge of it (and if Shiro’s expression was any indicator), it seemed as though the storm was only intensifying. He wondered vaguely how Adam intended to get so many people to safety in such a tempest.

Another flash of lightning. Thunder followed only two seconds later.

Adam waved his hand at the people who had come to deliberate with him, and turned towards Keith and the others. His expression was grim.

“We have to leave,” he said. “Terrell probably noticed this storm, and given that she has the power of the sun and Jupiter, I wouldn’t be surprised if she could sense us all being together. Whether I like it or not, I need to go with you.”

“I thought you trusted her to keep her word about leaving you alone?” Lance taunted.

“I said I had no reason to doubt her--that doesn’t mean I trusted her. I know that she’s… flighty, to say the least. Subject to her own whims. This whole time neither of us had had any reason to doubt the other, but now she likely knows that you’re all here with me, and unless I completely throw you all under the bus, she’s probably not going to believe that I’m not up in arms with you all,” Adam explained with a huff.

“That’s all well and fine,” Veronica began. “But are we really going to try flying through this storm?”

Adam considered that. “We should split up. At least temporarily.”

Allura leaned over to whisper something to Romelle, who nodded along. Everyone else looked at them expectantly.

Another flash of lightning. Only a second passed before thunder followed, less of a rumble than a crack. Time was running out.

“There’s a place Romelle and I both know,” Allura said. “If we do decide to split into two groups, we can each lead a group there.”

Both Adam and Shiro looked reluctant, though Keith was willing to bet it was for vastly different reasons. Shiro, to his credit, gathered himself with remarkable speed and divied up the group with brisk efficiency. Allura led the larger of the two groups, with Lance, Veronica, Pidge, and Shiro himself. Keith himself was reluctant to be splitting up the whole group--what if Terrell found one group? Whether they had control over their powers or not, there was safety in numbers.

Lightning flashed and was followed by thunder in less than a second. By then, they were ready to leave.

They stepped out into the swirl of wind and icy rain that stung. Romelle trounced over to Allura and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek, abruptly reminding Keith that they were together. Romelle said something to Allura that Keith couldn’t make out through the sounds of the storm, but Allura smiled, so he assumed it must’ve been something soft and laced with love. A quick press of their lips, and the two of them parted, gesturing to their respective groups to follow them.

Romelle’s golden hair was like a shining beacon in the dark, making it all too easy for Keith, Hunk, and Adam to follow her. They flew in speedy silence, occasionally checking behind them to make sure they weren’t being followed. Around them, the storm began to dissipate. The sheets of rain faded to a drizzle, the gale withering to practically nothing. It left them damp and freezing, and Keith hoped that this secondary location that Allura and Romelle had thought of wasn’t too far.

Keith pulled up beside Romelle. “Where are we going?”

“A relative of Allura’s,” Romelle answered. “He lives in the countryside, so he’s a bit difficult to find unless you know where to look. Should be safe enough for us, hopefully at least long enough for us to dry out.”

Hunk pulled up on her other side, agreeing enthusiastically. “I had no idea all this planet business meant getting absolutely soaked. This is why I don’t like field work.”

He turned to looked back towards Adam, who was looking particularly downcast.

“Didn’t you say that you have some control over your powers?” Hunk asked him.

“Things get tricky when planets are near each other,” was all Adam said.

To that, Keith could agree. On that note, it was a miracle that the storm wasn’t worse with how many planets they’d managed to gather in one place. He drew back to fly beside Adam. His intention was to say something, anything, but he couldn’t manage to find the words to say. What did you even say to someone who let everyone that cared about them believe they were dead?

“Did you know I was a planet too?” Keith finally asked.

Adam nodded, but failed to elaborate. Noticing Keith’s frustration, Adam frowned. “What?”

“You could’ve let us know you were alright, at least.”

“We’ve been through this already,” Adam said. “You know, don’t you? That once you’re aware, your powers begin to manifest at an exponential rate. Before, they only manifest when you’re in a particularly volatile emotional state.”

“But you and Shiro had argued before--what made that argument so bad that the two of you accidentally called up a storm?” Keith inquired.

Adam grimaced. “I… suggested that maybe a relationship between us wouldn’t work after all.”

Keith said nothing for a moment, mouth agape with shock.

“You--but you guys--”

“Keith, I’ll admit, the idea was selfish on my part, but it wasn’t without reason. You know as well as I do how careless Shiro is--”

“Was,” Keith corrected. “After you disappeared, he took a supervising position. He hasn’t done field work since then.”

Adam scowled. “Figures. I’d been telling him to take that position for months before I disappeared. You know as well as I do how careless he was about his health.”

Keith nodded reluctantly.

“I hated seeing him treat himself the way he did,” Adam continued. “It’d keep me up for hours at night, worrying that he might take it too far one day--I couldn’t handle it. And when I found out what we are… I couldn’t--as much as I wanted to see him again, make sure he didn’t worry, I was too worried that he might think he had to go back in the sky, noble idiot that he is.”

“Sounds familiar,” Hunk joined in.

“What do you mean?” Adam asked, while Keith tried his very best to glare daggers at Hunk.

“Well,” Hunk began, very knowingly ignoring Keith. “Keith here found out that Lance was the sun, and that he’s a planet, and decided to shut us all out. He didn’t fake his death or anything, but he was pretty mean there for a while.”

Keith cringed. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I thought it was for the best, but I’ll admit that my methods were… bad.”

“To say the least,” Hunk added with a nod. “But I forgive you. I just wish your first thought hadn’t been to handle it all alone.”

Keith didn’t reply. He gazed down at the shadowy landscape that raced past them. He wondered if doing things differently might have delayed the inevitable. Even now, he didn’t think so. After all, it was Terrell who had triggered the onset of this mess. If it hadn’t been for her, who knew how long he might’ve been able to keep it secret. How long might he have lived alone?

Romelle had drawn back to join the conversation, if passively. She was still flying slightly ahead to lead the way, listening all the while.

“I think you were right to break up, in such a situation,” she suddenly said to Adam.

Keith blinked, a bit taken aback by the sudden change of subject. “What are you talking about?! You didn’t even know them when they were together--”

“Maybe not,” Romelle said. “But it sounds like Shiro was too focused on other things to care what sort of effect his actions were having on Adam. Certainly he should be allowed to live his own life, but if that life was only going to cause Adam pain, Adam had every right to leave. Although I’ll admit, faking your death was a bit extreme.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Adam objected.

Romelle snorted. “I know, I know. Still, I can see your reasoning. If Allura decided to wantonly throw herself into danger at every whim, I don’t know that I’d stick around to watch her crash and burn.”

“And not be there for her when she does?” Keith demanded. “If she were to, that is.”

Romelle shrugged. “Love is a complicated thing, but also not. It’s like a series of choices. There’s emotion involved of course, but… it’s a choice, ultimately. If Allura did something dangerous once, I’d ask her not to do it again, because I worry that she’ll get hurt. If she does it again, I ask her again. If she keeps doing it, regardless of how worried I become about her, she’s choosing to disregard how I feel. And if there’s no reason for her to be doing that, then…”

She shrugged again. Keith, meanwhile, was frowning.

“I don’t understand,” he admitted.

“I think Romelle’s talking about the kind of love that keeps people together,” Hunk offered helpfully. “You’ve got that initial infatuation that draws someone in, but a relationship doesn’t work on that alone. Right?”

Romelle nodded, smiling. “Precisely.”

Hunk glanced sideways at Keith, who ignored him. This wasn’t exactly the turn he’d expected this conversation to take, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He wasn’t sure how to feel about a lot of things lately, it seemed. Adam, too, didn’t look too keen on the topic. Romelle made it sound so simple, for all that she claimed it sometimes wasn’t.

Romelle flew ahead again, dipping down to get her bearings on where they were. Hunk accompanied her in the interest that none of them should be alone, even for a few moments, leaving Keith and Adam flying alone in a not-so-companionable silence.

“So,” Adam started. “You and the sun, huh? What was his name again?”

“Lance,” Keith answered, averting his eyes. “And we’re not together.”

Adam snorted. “Sure you’re not. You guys are worse than when me and Takashi first got together. Kind of ironic though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Of all the planets to fall for the sun, it’s the one that’s farthest from it. Or was, anyways.”

When Keith only stared, Adam continued, “Do you not know which planet you are?”

“No--I mean, I could probably figure it out if I took the time, but, well, I just haven’t had the time,” Keith stammered.

“You’re Pluto,” Adam said simply. “Although, it’s strange, if you think about it. Just before the fall, Pluto was classified as a dwarf planet, but people still look for it as though it is. None of the other dwarf planets have been given such consideration--I wonder why that is.”

Keith opened his mouth, though he had no idea what he wanted to say, but stopped short as they zipped by a wisp of a cloud. A knowing look passed between them, and they canted their brooms downwards to find Hunk and Romelle. Not a moment later, Keith felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end in a terrifyingly familiar way.

“Move!” Keith screamed just as Hunk and Romelle came into sight.

No sooner had they scattered than a crack of lightning, white hot and deadly, whipped through the air right where they had been. Distantly Keith noted that it wasn’t that much different from her usual lightning. What then, he wondered, was the point of having the power of the sun?

He wheeled around to face Terrell as she flew up to them. Adam sidled up beside him, with Hunk and Romelle not far behind. Dimly lit by a lantern full of stars, Terrell’s expression was displeased to say the least.

“Adam,” she greeted coldly. “We had a deal.”

“We did. We still do,” Adam insisted.

“Do we?”

“I haven’t done anything to breach our agreement.”

Terrell’s frown deepened. “Really? Looks like you decided to play the good guy at the first opportunity you saw.”

Adam said nothing at first, his lips pressed tightly together. It was just as he had said, Terrell wasn’t believing him. Fighting her, however, was not something any of them wanted to do. Keith had no idea what Adam was capable of, but Keith’s own powers were passive. Good at evading and hiding, but lacking in any offensive capability. If he had something more effective, he had no idea what it was, or how to use it.

Still, dark as it was, there was nowhere to hide in open skies. Clouds were closing in with the conjunction of Adam and Terrell, but enough lightning would flush them out if they tried to hide within them.

“They’re not trying to do anything,” Adam tried to convince her. “Even if they wanted, they wouldn’t be able to.”

“You know me better than that, Adam,” Terrell snarled back.

“They told me you have the power of the sun now--even with all of us together, are you really that afraid we might be able to interfere with whatever it is you’re doing?!” he attempted.

That was, apparently, the wrong thing to say.

Terrell didn’t even have to raise her hands. Arcs of lightning sparked from all over her body. The clouds around them swirled threateningly, looming large. Their group leaned back on their brooms, trying to put some space between them and her, all while knowing that fleeing was futile. Keith chanced a glance at the ground below. Nothing but darkness; it was too far for anything to be distinct. Too far to fall from, regardless of the supposed invulnerability of planets to falling. Keith gripped the handle of his broom, bracing himself for the worst.

The worst never came.

Terrell took a deep breath, and the lightning receded. Keith exchanged a look with the others.

“You’re right,” she said, stunning all of them. “You’ve done nothing wrong, and even if you wanted to do anything, you wouldn’t be able to.”

She spoke softly, almost talking to herself, or so it seemed to Keith. She nodded slightly, as though the logic was only just starting to make sense to her. Her eyes met Keith’s suddenly, and she scowled.

“You, on the other hand,” she started, sparks flying once more. “You’ve been in my way at every turn. If it hadn’t been for you, I’d have had my way a lot sooner.”

Keith glared right back at her. “I thought you said I was nothing compared to you.”

Terrell’s expression twisted into something like fury, and this time she didn’t hesitate to raise her fist and hurl it through the air. Keith rolled out of the way, hoping to the stars above and below that the others did the same. It occurred to him once again that Terrell’s power wasn’t all that different from before. What sort of edge did the power of the sun give her?

Not that Keith was ungrateful for the apparent lack of a power boost as he dipped and twirled around the dangerous tendrils of electricity. Fighting Terrell was difficult enough as it was.

Adam called out to the others, “I can manipulate the clouds to give us some cover, maybe even make it rain icy to make it more difficult for her to maneuver, but it won’t be enough!”

“She’s only concerned about me, maybe if you guys--!” Keith started to suggest, only to be firmly cut off by Hunk.

“No way, man! We’re not leaving you behind, no matter how much of a good idea you think it is!”

“I’m not trying to be all noble again, I just don’t have any better ideas!” Keith shouted.

Hunk drew level with Keith as they dodged Terrell’s wild attacks.

“How do I use my powers?!” Hunk demanded.

“What?”

“You found me first because Saturn is your best bet against her, right? So tell me how to use my powers and maybe we can get out of this!”

“Stay still!” Terrell shrieked.

“It’s hard to explain, even if we weren’t actively under attack right now!” Keith said to Hunk.

“Your power will usually revolve around some sort of idea!” Adam interjected suddenly. “My powers are centered on emotions, particularly passionate, deep feeling! Once you find your center, you can find what you can do!”

“That’s great and all, but that doesn’t really help us now!” Hunk replied.

A panicked cry pierced the air before Adam could explain further, and Keith’s stomach dropped. Below them, Romelle had not been quick enough in dodging a streak of lightning. It caught the tail end of her broom and sent her into a rapid downwards spiral. Keith made to go after her, the image too frighteningly familiar, but a barrage of lightning blocked his way. He shouted incoherently, his own power rising up unbidden within him. He made to charge at Terrell directly, to get her to stop shooting lightning everywhere, only to find that Hunk was way ahead of him.

Their collision happened in such a way that was at once far too fast, but also somehow in slow motion. Terrell didn’t notice Hunk coming until it was too late. She brought up a hand to defend herself, her palm alight with electricity. Hunk paid the lightning no heed. He barrelled forward, drawing back his own fist, which, as far as Keith could see did not contain any sort of special power whatsoever.

Keith tried to call out to Hunk, to warn him off such a reckless action. He was too slow. Or was Hunk too fast? He couldn’t tell. Especially not as Hunk’s fist plowed right through the electricity and connected solidly with Terrell’s hand.

First there was a blinding white light.

Second, too many colors at once, more colors than Keith had ever seen in one place in such vivid intensity.

Then, the sensation of his body being flung backwards, acutely reminding him that he was still dangerously high up in the sky.

Finally, there was darkness.

(Before the fall, it was known that the world humans knew was balanced on the precarious edge of a galaxy, within a quaint solar system that orbited a not-so-remarkable star.)

Keith shook his head, trying to reorient himself. He had been quiet sure he had been falling, but now it seemed he wasn’t. Had he already hit the ground then? He tried to move some part of his body, any part--surely there would be overwhelming pain if he had hit the ground, right? No part of his body responded. He blinked--or at least, he thought he blinked. He tried to look around, to see where he was, what sort of condition he was in, but there was only darkness.

(By all accounts, the solar system was nothing special--not to an outside eye, anyways.)

Keith strained his eyes, looking for something, anything--he found it in the form of a bright point of light. Others followed, steady and brilliantly colored, but none shined as brightly as the one Keith had first spotted. As before, and as he always would, Keith imagined he could feel it’s warmth, even from this distance. The darkness, at once so pressing and yet so empty, chilled Keith down to the bone. Even the idea of warmth helped to soothe Keith’s shivering.

(Planets and planetoid objects revolved reliably around an average star. There were many stars like it. It could’ve been suggested that there was something special in the fact that it was a solitary star, where many were part of a binary system, but this too was not uncommon. By all accounts, the star and it’s planets were nothing special.)

(Nothing special at all.)

Keith reached for the bright light. It was important to him, he remembered. How or why didn’t matter, all that mattered was that he wanted nothing more than to be close to it, even if it burned him alive. Something deep within him, something that felt older and more familiar than a memory, urged him to stay put. It would not do to stray from the path he’d been assigned, it told him. Keith hesitated. Right, he was a planet. He couldn’t stray from his orbit, even in following the irresistible pull of gravity. Inertia, he distantly remembered from school. Inertia pushed him forward, while gravity pulled him back.

(The planets and planetoid objects, unexceptional and average in their existence, plodded along as they were bid by the known laws of the universe. It could be predicted, if there were anyone who thought it worth their time. Such was their nature, to be predictable, reliable.)

(They were completely ordinary in comparison to celestial objects more distant and more grand.)

(But those were there, and this was here.)

(Keith was here.)

(Where were the others?)

Keith gasped sharply and pulled up on his broom just as he was about to crash into a modest suburban household. His feet scraped the roof and he hoped that this was one of the abandoned suburban neighborhoods as he rocketed back upwards, eyes searching the skies for his friends. Adam was flying towards him, Romelle safely clinging to him on the back of his broom. Neither Hunk nor Terrell were anywhere to be found.

“What happened?! Where’s Hunk?!” Keith shouted.

“I don’t know!” Adam replied. “My guess is that he managed to use his powers and they interacted with Terrell’s, causing… whatever that was.”

“We have to find Hunk,” Keith insisted, heart in his throat.

No sooner had the words left his mouth than Romelle cried out happily, pointing to a dark and distant horizon where they could just barely make out Hunk’s form flying towards them. They flew to meet him halfway, and it was just as well that they did: Hunk was dazed from the blast, and Keith worried he might fall off his broom. He urged Romelle to continue leading them along; the sooner they got to safety, the better.

There was no sign of Terrell as they zipped away. The clouds had completely cleared.

Even so, Keith couldn’t help but glance back over his shoulder every once in a while as they flew along. He stayed close to Hunk, who still hadn’t shaken off whatever it was he’d done. Or rather, what he and Terrell had done. He tried to mumble an explanation to the others, but it took all the energy he had left to just stay on his broom. All he’d managed was that it felt like his powers were essentially the opposite of Terrell’s, in a way. Keith offered to let him ride on the back of his own broom, but Hunk had politely declined.

“I can manage, for a bit longer,” Hunk assured him.

They flew and flew for what felt like hours. Once, Keith suggested they double back for a bit, to make sure that they hadn’t been followed, but Adam pointed out that that could also put them at risk of being spotted. Reluctantly, Keith let it go. They flew and flew through the darkness. If it wasn’t for the few stars shining steadily in the sky, Keith would hardly be able to tell up from down. As it was, he had absolutely no idea where they were. Romelle, however, seemed to know exactly where she was going. Even if she had gotten lost, however, Keith still had his star. From time to time, he reached into his pocket to make sure it was still there, just in case.

After what felt like hours, Romelle had them descend. There were no lights that Keith could see. In the distance, he could barely make out the silhouette of a mountain range. The air here, farther from the shore, seemed colder. There was a bite to it that seemed harsher. Keith shivered underneath his jacket and thought longingly of the cozy warmth of his apartment.

He wondered if Lance had managed to stay warm enough.

As they got closer to the ground, Keith finally spotted a lantern (an actual oil lantern, instead of a lantern filled with stars), hung right outside the door of a very cozy looking house. As far as Keith could tell, it stood alone in the shadowed valley. He could see no lights through the windows. When they landed, however, something shuffled in the biggest window at the front, letting light spill out. Allura was the first one to run out, arms open wide and her hair trailing like a comet behind her. Romelle ran to meet her, her golden hair a perfect match to Allura’s silver.

Keith watched as they collided, twirling in tandem and heaving immense sighs of relief. Beside him, Hunk, supported by Adam, waited patiently. Keith averted his eyes as Romelle and Allura held each other close, Romelle no doubt explaining what had taken them so long. Her hands were fondly tangled in Allura’s silver locks, and Keith looked away, his cheeks burning. It felt like he was intruding, to look openly at such gentle intimacy.

From the open door, Shiro stepped outside, followed shortly by Veronica, Pidge, and finally, Lance. Keith didn’t allow his eyes to linger, flushed as he already felt. Romelle’s words about love being a choice echoed in his head insistently. Keith debated whether he should listen to them or not. There was no denying that there was some semblance of feeling, something that curled warm and soft behind his ribcage that pushed, rather than pulled. Pushed him to bring Lance close, tell him everything that happened since they last saw each other, make sure that he was staying warm.

But doubt was an ever-present and insistent undercurrent to Keith’s thoughts. What if, when all was said and done, he stopped feeling the way he did? He couldn’t bring himself to break Lance’s heart a second time.

Keith let himself be ushered inside with the others, where a man with the most impressive moustache Keith had ever seen greeted them enthusiastically in spite of their sudden intrusion. He closed the door behind them, locking it tight. He herded them into the living room, which looked almost too small for all the people trying to cram into it now. Once everyone had flopped down and claimed a seat, however, it seemed cozy, welcoming, even with everyone pressed shoulder to shoulder. Keith tried to not think too much about how warm Lance felt against his side, and he certainly didn’t let himself believe that Lance was leaning into him.

“Everyone,” Allura said once they were all comfortably settled. “This is my uncle, Coran. We should be safe here for some time, while we figure out what to do next.”

“Pleasure to meet you all,” the chipper man greeted.

Everyone briefly introduced themselves, and just when Keith thought that Coran would ask what was going on, he asked if anyone wanted something warm to drink. Several of them answered that, yes, that sounded very nice. Keith himself declined. More than anything, he wanted to sleep. Fatigue weighed heavy on him, and now, warm and comfortable, his eyelids were drooping against his will. He nearly did fall asleep, while a few of the others spoke in hushed tones, a gentle murmur that made Keith feel at ease. He jerked to a sudden wakefulness when Coran loudly returned with drinks for those who wanted some.

Lance looked at him, a questioning expression on his face. “Hey man, are you alright?”

“Yeah, just tired,” Keith mumbled, nodding a little. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to will away his exhaustion. How many hours had it been since that small nap he’d shared with Lance?

“So, not that I don’t love seeing my favorite niece and all her friends,” Coran began. “But I must admit I find myself rather curious as to the reason for this sudden visit.”

Everyone shuffled awkwardly, some gripping steaming mugs tightly. More explanations. More questions asked that they wouldn’t know the answers to. Coran looked at them all expectantly, looking from face to face for an answer.

It was Veronica that spoke first, impatient with the silence. “We’re all planets, apparently.”

All eyes snapped to her. It was the truth, of course, but to hear it so abruptly put was jarring, to say the least. Keith looked back at Coran, expecting bewilderment, even denial. What he did not expect was a melancholy expression, where just moments before Coran had been delighted and jovial. Even his moustache seemed to droop a little.

“You knew,” Keith said.

Coran closed his eyes and sighed deeply. On the couch, Allura leaned forward, suddenly concerned.

“Coran?” she questioned.

“I knew,” Coran confirmed with a solemn nod.

Everyone seemed to be holding their breath. The air in the room, which had only just been so inviting, was now taut with expectation. Coran looked thoughtful, deciding his next words carefully.

“I know because I was there where the moon fell to the earth,” Coran began. He looked to Allura. “When you fell to the earth.”

He took a seat for himself and laced his hands together. His brow was creased with so many lines, Keith wondered if Coran had ever intended for Allura to know.

“Before the fall, your parents and I were enthusiastic, if amateur, astronomers of sorts. And there was a grand happening that was to occur, the likes of which no one in written history had ever observed, because it’s an event that only happens once every ten thousand years--a grand syzygy,” Coran explained.

“Uh, gesundheit?” Lance offered.

Keith nudged him sharply with his elbow, but Coran chuckled good-naturedly. “A syzygy is the alignment of three or more celestial objects. In the case of the grand syzygy, all the significant members of the solar system were to be in alignment. All the planets, including Pluto, which at the time had only very recently been declared to be a dwarf planet, and the moon, and of course the sun, would form a perfect line with each other. Allura’s parents and I were eagerly looking forward to it, you see. We’d seen solar eclipses, lunar eclipses, and all manner of other extraordinary astronomical events, but this was something that we would quite literally never see again.”

“There was no indication beforehand that anything unusual would happen,” Coran continued after a brief moment of deliberation, twirling his moustache thoughtfully. “We watched the planets eagerly for weeks before hand, tracking their movement until the day came that they would all be in alignment. When that day finally arrived, it was like watching a solar eclipse. Totality was only supposed to last for a few minutes, but if I remember correctly, the syzygy itself was only supposed to last for a minute, if that.”

Coran’s eyes misted over, looking nostalgic for a moment. “Had I known that would be the last time I would see the sun in the sky…” He shook his head before he could get too lost in the memory. “Anyways, it happened as soon as the eclipse reached totality. The fall, that is. At first, we thought it was a meteor shower, and thought ourselves exceedingly lucky. Then, a bright flash just about blinded us, and the next thing we knew, it looked as though the sky was falling. Imagine that!”

“When the bright light subsided, the eclipse was gone--just, gone. We saw the moon, as though it was just sliding off the sky, turn into nothing but light, which then barrelled straight for us! It was Alfor, Allura’s father, who realized that it was far too small to be any ordinary meteor. While her mother and I tried to find cover, Alfor ran straight for it. We thought he’d gone mad! But then he raised his hands and caught it, and what should he bring back over to us but a little baby girl, with hair as silver as the moon?”

He paused, letting the information sink in.

“Why did you never tell me?” Allura asked in a tremulous voice.

Coran frowned, the lines in his face belying his age. “We wanted to. We were going to, initially, but then…”

“Then?” Allura pressed when Coran trailed off.

“Well, we came to love you of course.”

Coran paused again, eyes glimmering with some bittersweet thought or other. “You grew up just as any other child would. We watched you closely, knowing what you are, but we quickly came to see you as you. A lively, determined young girl at the whim of her emotions, which were turbulent to say the least--and, oh, did we love you. We loved you so much that we became afraid. Afraid that one day you would have to return to the sky and leave behind the human life you were establishing for yourself. We, of course, had no idea how that would even work, or if it was even possible at all. All that mattered to us was that you were happy just as you were. So we kept it from you. And for that, I am sorry. I’m sure your parents would be too, if they were still here.”

Allura leapt up from her seat and hurried over to Coran to embrace him tightly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she insisted, sounding close to tears again.

The room was silent again as they hugged, and again Keith felt as though he was intruding. Beside him, Lance looked pensieve.

“Did you know about me?” Lance asked suddenly.

Allura pulled away, looking back and forth between Coran and Lance.

“We suspected that you might be the sun,” Coran confirmed. “Alfor in particular insisted that there were many signs that pointed to it, but even without them you always had a certain look in your eye that suggested there was something within you older than any of us could comprehend.”

Lance hummed, and pressed his lips together tightly.

“Lance?” Allura inquired.

“You should’ve said something,” Lance stated quietly. “I get not saying anything about Allura, but I’m--I’m the sun. The earth needs the sun, it’s dying and it’s going to bring everyone with it and putting the sun--me--back in the sky would stop all that.”

“Lance, no--” Allura started.

“We didn’t want to do that to your family,” Coran calmly replied. “We felt we had no right.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Lance said fiercely as he stood. Keith’s side felt unusually cold. “This is the sun we’re talking about, you should’ve said something.”

“It’s also you we’re talking about!” Veronica interjected, every bit as agitated as Lance.

“Veronica, don’t--”

“Don’t what, Lance? Don’t care about you, my brother, who I’ve known my entire life? Someone I’ve looked after for years? I’m not about to stop caring now just because you think you need to throw yourself away for the sake of the world!” she shouted.

Lance huffed with frustration. “You don’t get it! This is bigger than me, or you, or any of us! Yes, I am prepared to give myself up for the sake of the world, because it’s the entire earth we’re talking about! Do you know how many people are on this planet right now? Does it not matter to you that they have lives too, that they could be living happily too were it not for the fact that their home was literally freezing over and breaking down right under their feet?!”

“This isn’t some fairy tale where everyone gets a happy ending just because we want it,” Lance continued in a softer voice, one that wavered slightly as he pressed on. “This is real life. I’m not trying to be all self-sacrificing just for the sake of it. I’m trying to do what’s right.”

Silence followed Lance’s passionate declaration. Even Veronica was too stunned to say anything. The fact of the matter was, Lance was right. It would be far too selfish to keep the sun from the world, all so that they could keep a single person by their side as the world crumbled to ice and dust around them.

Pidge fidgeted in her seat. “What if there was another way?”

“If there’s another way, trust me, I would love to hear it,” Lance admitted earnestly. He glanced at Coran. “You wouldn’t happen to know of way to put the sun in the sky while I stay here, would you?”

Coran solemnly shook his head. “I wish I did. But perhaps, if we looked…”

“For how long?” Lance interrupted. “For how long would we look? How long would we delay the inevitable?”

“Lance, I get it, we have to save the world, but you’re our friend. To let you go just like that, when we don’t even know if there’s an alternative… It feels like giving up,” Hunk said.

“What makes you so sure you’re still the sun?” Keith suddenly asked, standing to face Lance.

They were almost the same height, Keith noted vaguely. He wondered who was taller, of the two of them. He wished they had time for such trivial things.

“I just know,” Lance answered, not looking Keith in the eye. “And anyways, Terrell was very specific in her wording, she wanted the power of the sun, not to be the sun herself, probably for this very reason.”

“Then why did you bother coming with me?” Keith demanded, shifting himself so that he was directly in Lance’s line of sight. “You could’ve stayed at the Bureau, let them put you in the sky, but you didn’t.”

“Because Terrell is running around getting ready to do who knows what with all that power! I’m not going to leave the earth with that kind of mess!” Lance insisted shrilly.

“So you have a plan for how to stop her?”

“Of course not, I have no idea what--”

“Then why are you here?!”

“Because I’m scared!” Lance shrieked. “I’m scared, of course I’m scared! I don’t know what’s going to happen when they put me back in the sky! Will it be like dying?! Will I still be conscious?! Will I forget everything I’ve done and everyone I’ve met?! There’s no way for me to know and that terrifies me, but I can’t let that keep me from doing the right thing! Maybe I am right now, for just a little bit longer, but--but--”

He didn’t once look Keith in the eye, for all that Keith wished he would. Lance took a deep breath, trying to compose himself once more.

“While we look for a way to reign in Terrell, we can look for an alternative solution. But as soon as Terrell is no longer a threat…” Lance trailed off, letting the implication hang in the air and sway morbidly in front of them all.

It was Shiro who spoke first. “Alright.”

Nearly everyone whipped towards Shiro with a cry of protest. His expression was that of grim determination. He didn’t flinch from everyone’s loud protests. Even Lance looked surprised at Shiro’s easy agreement.

When everyone quieted, Shiro spoke again, “All that means is that we have to find a different way. We will find a different way. In the meantime, we’ve all had a long day, some of us longer than others. We should get some rest, and then decide where to go from here.”

Reluctant as they were, everyone seemed to agree. Coran’s home had quite a few spare rooms, but not enough for everyone to have their own. Hunk and Pidge were agreeable to sharing, and Veronica, who had become quickly partial to them, decided to join them. As they padded up the stairs, they were already speaking in hushed tones about something Keith couldn’t make out. Shiro and Adam retreated to a corner of the living room, where they both looked stormy, but the weather outside remained clear. Whatever they were talking about, they were determined to keep it quiet this time. Romelle and Allura stayed with Coran for a few moments longer, lingering in the kitchen and holding their toasty mugs close. Lance joined them for a spell, only hovering on the fringes of their conversation and saying nothing. Romelle wrapped an arm around him and hugged him tight. He left after only a moment, practically dragging himself up the stairs.

Keith, meanwhile, was left alone. Just as well, he thought. There were still some loose ends for him to tie up after all. He trudged upstairs, fatigue dragging back his every step. The door of the room where Hunk, Pidge, and Veronica were staying was slightly ajar. They were still talking, their chatter floating out into the hallway. Keith caught snippets of their conversation as he approached the door.

“--don’t think it’s any coincidence that you and I were dragged into this too,” he heard Veronica say.

“I agree, but you said you’re Lance’s older sister, right? If we’re all planets, wouldn’t we all be the same age?” Pidge questioned.

Veronica hummed. “It would.”

“Maybe your family was the same as Allura’s, and told you guys you were different ages to keep you safer?” Hunk suggested.

“Maybe.”

Keith tapped gently on the door.

“Hey, Pidge, can we talk?”

She agreed, and they stood in the dark hallway together, with both of their arms crossed. A moment of silence passed between them. Keith knew what he had to say, and why it needed to be said, but actually saying it was another matter entirely.

“I’m sorry,” Pidge suddenly said.

Keith blinked. “What are you talking about? I’m the one that’s sorry--”

“I’m sure you know that the Bureau let most of the solar task force go,” Pidge interrupted. “It wasn’t because they found out that I’d been snooping, and I would never seriously believe that you would rat me out.”

“You… lied?”

She nodded. “I--I was just angry, because you were already pushing everyone away and I knew you’d probably do the same to me and I just wanted to help, and I thought that if I made you angry enough you’d let something slip and then you’d have to let me help, and I just--I don’t know--”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Keith insisted. “I’m sorry too--if I hadn’t gotten it in my head that going at it alone was the best way, you might never have felt the need to do that. In a way, I’m kind of glad that you were willing to try anything at all.”

“Doesn’t make some of the things I said right,” Pidge muttered. “I don’t think I can ever remember a time where I ever felt so angry and unable to do anything about it.”

“I honestly thought you were going to fight me,” Keith admitted with a hollow laugh.

Pidge laughed too as she let her arms fall to her sides. “Honestly, I probably would’ve if you hadn’t still been injured. I don’t know what came over me.”

“You’ve always been a firecracker,” Keith teased gently, reaching over to lightly muss her mess of mousy brown hair.

She laughed in earnest and batted his hand away, saying, “You’re as bad as my brother!”

With the air sufficiently cleared between them, they bid each other good night. That left Keith with one last person to talk to--or at least, one last person to apologize to. Luckily for him, Allura came up the stairs just as Pidge left.

“Allura, hey, I was just--”

She held up a hand to stop him. “You don’t need to apologize to me.”

“I feel like I do.”

“No, you don’t,” she insisted. “I would’ve done the same thing, had I been in your place. Perhaps not quite in the same way, but… You did what you thought would be best to keep Lance safe. You knew that if he knew, he would do… well, what he tried to do. What he’s still trying to do. I would do anything to keep that from happening, selfish as it sounds, but…”

Romelle, who had come up the stairs in time to hear Allura. She placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I don’t think it’s selfish to want to keep someone you care about alive.”

“Even at the cost of the entire world?” Allura asked.

“I don’t know,” Romelle admitted. “But you know me, I’m optimistic. I think we should always act on love over logic.”

“More than optimistic, you’re a romantic, a hopeless one at that,” Allura teased.

“Well, this is a hopeless situation after all. What else is there to do?” Romelle answered with a smile.

Keith, meanwhile, was in desperate need of some sleep. “Are we good then?”

“Oh! Yes, of course,” Allura said sheepishly. “Although, there is one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“Be honest: how do you really feel about Lance?” she asked.

Keith felt his breath catch in his throat. “I--it’s hard to tell.”

“How do you mean?” Romelle piped.

“He’s the sun,” Keith huffed, scowling. “And apparently I’m Pluto. Whatever pull I have to him--”

“Wait, are you telling me you think that gravity is still relevant in our case?” Romelle interrupted.

“Why wouldn’t it be? Think about it, nearly everyone that’s a planet--or a moon--is close to Lance in some way. I guarantee you that if Terrell hadn’t been found out the way she had, she’d still be working at the Bureau. Even the biggest planet was still a lot smaller than the sun. You think it’s just a coincidence that we all ended up close to Lance in some way?”

Allura and Romelle exchanged glances with one another.

“Perhaps,” Allura began slowly. “Gravity put you in Lance’s path, and perhaps it kept you there, but whatever you did once there… you do realize that was your choice, right?”

Keith looked away from them, grateful for the darkness that (hopefully) hid his burning cheeks. Romelle sighed dramatically, slinging an arm around Allura’s shoulders.

“And I thought we were bad before we got together,” she lamented.

“We won’t bother you about it again, Keith, but… maybe consider that things aren’t as complicated as you’re making them out to be?”

Keith’s eyes snapped back up to Allura. “Who told you that?”

“No one, why?”

He shook his head. “It’s nothing, I’m just… tired. Exhausted actually.”

“Last door on the right,” Allura directed him.

Keith thanked her and trudged down the hall. It was strange, he thought, that this level of exhaustion wasn’t enough to quiet his racing thoughts. He knew he would fall into the bed as soon as he saw it though--he made a mental note to at least take his shoes off before doing so, but when he opened the door, he froze. Someone was already on the bed.

In the back of his head, Keith had known that he would be sharing a room with someone, and that that someone would likely be Lance, given the nature of his friends and the fact that it seemed only natural to allow Romelle and Allura some privacy with one another. That wasn’t what gave him pause. What caused him to stop in his tracks right in the doorway was that Lance was still wide awake, sitting at the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.

He looked up when Keith opened the door. Even in the low light, Keith could see that his normally bright eyes seemed dull.

“Oh, hey, Keith. I suppose you want to sleep, you’re probably beat. I’ll just--”

“Stay.”

Lance blinked. “What?”

Keith stepped into the room all the way and closed the door behind him. “Stay. Please.”

“I don’t want to keep you up.”

“Then you won’t.”

Lance considered Keith’s words for a moment. “What if I want you to stay awake a bit longer?”

“Then I will.”

Lance shook his head. “Sorry, no, you need sleep, we both do. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

He stood and walked towards Keith, and Keith thought that he intended to leave. Much as he didn’t want to, Keith stepped away from the door. If Lance wanted to be alone, then so be it, but, given that he was already here, Keith wanted nothing more than for him to stay.

Instead of reaching for the door, however, Lance reached for Keith, helping him out of his jacket.

“Quit moving, I’m just--” Lance muttered under his breath. “I know you get warm easily--you were going to fall right into bed without even taking your shoes off, weren’t you?”

“I was,” Keith insisted as Lance slid his jacket off of him.

Lance scoffed. “Sure you were.”

A few moments later saw them tucked into bed, facing each other and still bantering back and forth about whether Keith would’ve taken his shoes off if Lance hadn’t reminded him to do so. There was only a few inches of space between them; their hands were almost touching. Eventually, they both fell silent, but neither of them closed their eyes. Now that he was lying down, Keith wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and let sleep take him. It pressed behind his eyes and made his head ache slightly. It would take no effort at all to fall asleep at this point--but he stayed awake.

“Aren’t you tired?” Lance whispered.

“Yes.”

“Then go to sleep.”

“What about you?”

Lance sighed, averting his eyes from Keith’s.

“What’s wrong?” Keith pressed.

“I told you earlier, didn’t I?” Lance answered, shutting his eyes tightly. “I’m scared.”

Keith moved his hand to cover Lance’s. His thumb moved back and forth across Lance’s knuckles in what he hoped was a soothing motion.

“We’re going to find another way,” Keith assured him.

“How can you be so sure? There’s so many things we still don’t know,” Lance said, his voice almost inaudible.

“Because we care about you, Lance,” Keith replied. “We’ll do whatever it takes to keep you here with us.”

Lance smiled a small and woeful smile, turning his hand to lace his fingers with Keith’s. “And who do you mean when you say ‘we’?”

“All of us,” Keith said. Then, in a smaller voice, “Me.”

Lance hummed, his eyes half closed. They were quiet for so long that Keith started to drift off, his eyelids fluttering against his will. He hadn’t realized that they had been closed for some time until a gentle touch across his cheek startled him into wakefulness again. Lance’s hand jumped back, his eyes wide and looking right at Keith.

“Sorry,” he apologized in a soft voice. “Thought you were asleep.”

“‘S fine,” Keith mumbled.

Lance’s hand returned to trace the line of Keith’s jaw, in a way that could only be described as reverent. His fingers lightly danced across the sensitive skin under his ear, and then tangled themselves in his hair as they always did. Keith let himself relax under Lance’s ministrations, his eyelids growing heavy once more. Lance seemed more than content to lightly pet at Keith until he fell asleep. Keith, for his part, would’ve been more than content to let him, if he wasn’t so worried about Lance not sleeping.

“Keith?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

Keith’s eyes snapped open again, certain that his face was so red it was a beacon in the darkness. Lance was still looking at him, eyes still dampened with melancholy, but now with a touch of warmth to them. Keith swallowed hard. What was he even supposed to say to that?!

“You don’t have to say anything, I just wanted to say it. Sorry--”

“Don’t be,” Keith interrupted, shuffling close to wrap his arms around Lance. “Maybe I’m confused about how I feel right now, maybe even a little scared, but I do know that I care about you a lot, and I want to be in your life, even if only for a little while. I’m happy to hear you say you love me, it just--I just--”

“Don’t know if you can say it back yet?”

“Mhm.”

Lance hugged Keith tightly, burying his face in the crook of Keith’s neck. “That’s okay. It’s enough to have you here, now. Even if things don’t work out--”

“Don’t say that.”

“Even if things don’t work out,” Lance repeated forcefully, his hands grabbing fistfuls of Keith’s shirt. “At least I’ll have this.”

When Keith’s eyes fluttered shut for a third time, he didn’t resist.

#klance #voltron #vld #voltron legendary defender #fanfic #fan fiction #the fallen and the wandering #tfatw #chapter 11 #creesh.txt #yeehaw

3 notes · View notes

thedevilsantvocates · 7 years ago

Text

MORE Sex, Love and Robots. A Darling in the Franx Analysis Part 2

Now we wanna clarify an interesting detail that we spotted in our Part 1 post. For those who haven’t read Part 1 yet you can click on right here to catch up with us in this crazy train of thought and discussion.

We all know the city is just underneath the surface level of the dome and not literally, but it’s still funny to see this trope still fairly common, alive and still giving people brainfarts.

“wait but..underground? But doesn’t it move? But it’s in the dome? Skyscrapers?Bu...buuwat.”

Last time we left off we were talking about Zero Two and her interactions with Hiro. We can tell you from the get go that Hiro isn’t as much of a solid character as Zero Two is, which is kinda very disappointing, and you’ll see this with other characters that haven’t gone through proper development (yet).

We are introduced to Hiro as he pounders on his inability to pilot EVAs a Franxx with his partner Naomi and getting a boner. This isn’t some teenage angst, this is literally a boy thinking about how his limitations are affecting his teammates and his life purpose, and without being able to fulfill it and not having any other reason to live logically, he falls into a deep depression and describes himself as a Jian bird; a Chinese mythological bird that has one eye and one wing. Due to this condition the birds have to find pairs that they largely depend on to fly, kinda like how 2 pilots are necessary to ride a Franxx and successfully “fly”.

-”2 birds that make 1...Doesn’t it remind you of something else?

HECK YES WE DID. With the power of love.”

When he was a child though, he was considered a prodigy as he would be quick to question his controlled environment, scored high on the tests he was given and gave the children in his plantation individualities by giving them proper names made with their number codes. When he meets Zero Two and has a wider look at what the “Cage” really is, he decides to escape with her but ultimately fails at the attempt and gets his memory wiped clean, turning him into the empty shell of depression we get at the beginning. What we disliked about Hiro is the fact that his personality ends here, at least as a stand alone character. His interactions with Zero Two gives us a peak on how desperate he is to fulfill his duty as a parasite and help out his squad, even sacrificing his life for it and causing him to make life threatening decisions. What snaps him out of this toxic conduct however, is how much not only Zero Two relies on him but how his whole team needs him and how he can’t afford to die if someone genuinely needs him, which is the first time he’s ever felt that as he had been a constant failure. All in all what makes Hiro an interesting character is simply the relationship he harbours with Zero Two so far.

The next character on the list would be Ichigo... we say this as we feel the death stares from the thousands of Ichigo haters that made a scandal over episode 14, waiting for us to say something negative about her or completely trash her as a character. Sadly, for those of you who fit the description, we won’t be doing that because 1) This is a serious and objective (as objective as we can get) analysis where, if we need to trash someone, it’s because they really don’t make sense and are not considered people; just trash because 2) She is not a bad character and specially not a terrible person.

We know what you’re thinking; Ichigo DOES let her flaws get the best of her. She’s an anxious, selfish wreck that takes advantage of Goro and Hiro on an emotional level, tends to meddle in other people’s choices, sometimes putting her interests and feelings before anything even at the cost of everyone’s well being and is generally not honest to her squad, or even to herself, about her personal motivations. She constantly tries to get Zero Two removed from the squad even though Zero Two is the only pistil that Hiro can ride with, as well as the fact that her presence greatly increased the team's battle effectiveness and her perfectionism makes her stress over any and every mistake which has interrupted the flow of important missions, leading to moments like this:

...And it makes sense.

But while we list these characteristics and your hatred towards her does not change, we also want to clarify 2 points that reveal major details about her:

Firstly, she’s the leader of Squad 13 and the responsibility of hiding her own feelings to prioritize certain agendas causes all this inner stress, anxiety and perfectionism in the first place, as she has to carry the dead weight of commanding on her back at such a young age. This also explains why she’s generally not honest and usually has her panic attacks inside the Franxx, where only Goro can see her, who effectively knows how to calm her down and acts as a positive influence in her decisions as both are mature and quick to share their true feelings and opinions with each other, making their relationship relatively more healthy than any of the others on the team.

Secondly, you know who else has a hard time making decisions between harming the people they loves and harming herself? Who also is selfish and sometimes puts their objectives before others and ends up hurting everyone on the way?

That’s right

Zero Two.

...Jokes and fanon aside, it’s also this girl:

You know who else? Real, normal people. So trashing her for her reactions is a lil toooo much. It becomes justified later on since Zero Two almost willingly killed Hiro before she eventually came to her senses and treats him like a tool. We need to remember that Hiro has been Ichigo’s friend and crush for probably most of her life, as well as one of the only remaining friends she has; imagine you are in her situation and you are seeing someone you are clearly in love with self-destruct over an addiction they have, you just want them to notice how much of a better partner they would be if only they’d give you a chance….That, hit a very hard key for us on a very deep emotional level and you can’t help but hear this song in the background once you think about it. Hiro and Zero Two had harboured an abusive relationship no matter how rose colored you want to paint it.

Speaking of Ichigo and relationships, we stated that her interactions with Goro were very mature, communicative and understanding. Ichigo, while not openly admitting it, likes to ride with Goro as she feels at ease with him and they complement each other perfectly; she as a leader has to take stone cold decisions that might seem cruel, but behind the scenes this genuinely wears her out emotionally. He is the emotional assistance that looks after everyone’s well being and works as a strong pillar of trust for her when she’s weak. Since the start, Goro is shown always worried about the others and gives as much support as he can, so much that he was fine with Ichigo doing a test-ride with Hiro and despite being in love with her, he is just fine if she just sees him as a partner. His flaw is essentially the fact that he is so giving and selfless, to the point where loyalty between his 2 best friends Ichigo and Hiro starts to become emotional baggage as he realizes he is in love with Ichigo, while the latter is head over heels for Hiro. We also HAVE to comment on how beautifully the love triangle was resolved: Goro decides to confess to Ichigo regardless, and is relieved in realizing that he loves both of them equally and values their individual choices, which was just SO sweet that once the episode ended our tears were just cubes of sugar.

Goro is the true MVP.

Moving onto our next set of characters, we’ll be talking about Mitsuru and Ikuno.

Mitsuru was a very interesting character for us and getting to understand him was one of our favorite parts. He is introduced as that one arrogant friend in our group that is an unlikable pile of steaming hot pride with a stick up his butt (more or less like Zorome as they both constantly bashed on Hiro for his “inferiority”) that likes to think highly of himself, disregards his partner entirely and blames all his failures on the people around him.

*sips milk* *stares down at plebs*

As the episodes progress however, we realize that as a child, Mitsuru was fragile and he was deemed not apt to pilot a Franxx for his condition. This stresses him out as he was a great admirer of the prodigious child that was Hiro, and since his dream was to pilot alongside him, he had to push himself into taking the lethal Elixir Injection, that has a 15% survival rate, and came out miraculously alive, only to be greeted with a now empty shell of the former Hiro who had long forgotten about the promise they both made to each other after the memory wipe. This devastates Mitsuru and he grows into the lil sour boy we see in the series; never wanting to be looked down upon for his weakness and hides this by being a snob, unable to trust anyone but himself to do the job right. We also get that because of his fragility and how strongly his self loathing weighs on him and it makes him constantly gamble on his own health and safety to obtain power. He knew the Elixir Injection had the slimmest chances of survival, yet he took the risk. He knew Zero Two was the infamous “Partner Killer”, yet he rode with her and took the risk, in a desperate attempt to amplify his self worth and prove that he was a match for his now fallen idol. Then again, we all knew how well THAT went for him:

Genius

We found that scene complementary in general but what we disliked was how it had a lack of build up to it, making it feel rushed and completely out of the blue. It’s only later on when we truly understand why these events took place, but it had the potential to be presented in a more... Fitting and understandable manner.

While he and Ikuno are not particularly fond of each other, they have similar backstories to their ways of being and mannerisms, making them easily communicate with simple glares, nods and small talk while also acting as professional as possible. Ikuno wanted to be able to pilot a Franxx with Ichigo while Mitsuru also wished for the same thing with Hiro. For different reasons however, that didn't happen, and it left them crushed. Ikuno so far has not gotten proper character development, at least not as much as Mitsuru and the rest of the people we’ve mentioned so far, which we would just LOVE to see later in the series as she has soooo much untapped potential to dive into. We know that she’s a very reclusive, quiet and literate girl partially due to her orientation and how hostile her environment is towards such thing. In order to fit in and fulfill her duty as a parasite, she is forced to pilot alongside a stamen. While we know we should only focus on the Anime since this is a review of the Anime and not the Manga, we feel that the Manga had added an extra depth to her much earlier into the series:

The reason she “suddenly” couldn’t connect to Mitsuru before he decides to pilot with 02, was because she was given a pep talk by Ichigo before that same mission, distracting her, unable to sync up.

Then she realizes she needs to fix this problem to avoid being a burden for the team, so her resolve of coping with these conflicting feelings she was having was to do this:

This was not explicitly presented in the Anime, but in the Manga they explain that the only way she can possibly connect to Mitsuru is while fantasizing about Ichigo, which adds a little more depth to how real and relatable she can be as a character, as they display an actual coping method people use to escape their undesired current relationships, in contrast to her blandness so far in the Anime, where she only occasionally appears and conveniently disappears into the background like a satellite.

Their unstable relationship will end with the partner switch that was being foreshadowed with anticipation, thus we will be covering Kokoro and Futoshi... In paaaaaaaart 3! If you read this but not the previous part, here’s also Part 1 for a much more throughout enjoyment! And including Part 4 and Part 5.

Since this is an ongoing series, episodes 14-24 will be discussed on the series finale so we can pour in more thought and time into it. Meanwhile, we will point out things here and there about the recent episodes, mostly meme about it OR recommend other anime, manga, books and this game from this year (boi o boii).

#darling in the franxx #darlinginthefranx #ditf #darling #darling in the franxx analysis #analysis #meme dump #Mitsuru #ikuno #hiro #Zero Two #02 #002 #ichigo #goro #darling in the franxx review

53 notes · View notes

orbemnews · 4 years ago

Link

E.P.A. to Review Attacks on Science Under Trump WASHINGTON — The Biden administration is taking the unusual step of making a public accounting of the Trump administration’s political interference in science, drawing up a list of dozens of regulatory decisions that may have been warped by political interference in objective research. The effort could buttress efforts to unwind pro-business regulations of the past four years, while uplifting science staff battered by four years of disregard. It is particularly explicit at the Environmental Protection Agency, where President Biden’s political appointees said they felt that an honest accounting of past problems was necessary to assure career scientists that their findings would no longer be buried or manipulated. In a blunt memo this month, one senior Biden appointee said political tampering under the Trump administration had “compromised the integrity” of some agency science. She cited specific examples, such as political leaders discounting studies that showed the harm of dicamba, a herbicide in popular weedkillers like Roundup that has been linked to cancer and subsequently ruling that its effectiveness outweighed its risks. The broader list of decisions where staff say scientific integrity was violated is expected to reach about 90 items, according to one person involved in the process. It currently includes well-known controversies like the ricochet of decisions around Pebble Mine, a proposed copper and gold mine in Alaska’s Bristol Bay region, as well as rulings around relatively obscure toxic chemicals. “Manipulating, suppressing, or otherwise impeding science has real-world consequences for human health and the environment,” the E.P.A. administrator, Michael Regan, said in an agencywide email message on Tuesday. “When politics drives science rather than science informing policy, we are more likely to make policy choices that sacrifice the health of the most vulnerable among us.” He asked employees to bring “any items of concern” to the agency’s scientific integrity officials or the independent inspector general and pledged to encourage “the open exchange of differing scientific and policy positions.” “I also promise you that retaliation, retribution, intimidation, bullying, or other reprisals will not be tolerated,” Mr. Regan wrote. The E.P.A. was the epicenter of some of the administration’s most questionable decisions. Mr. Trump’s first administrator, Scott Pruitt, removed the agency’s web page on climate change (which has since been replaced); fired and barred independent scientific advisers who had received grants from the E.P.A. (a policy that a court ultimately found to be illegal) and then replaced them with many industry representatives; and rolled back scientifically-supported policies such as limiting pollution from trucks with rebuilt engines after meetings with executives and lobbyists. Mr. Pruitt’s successor, Andrew Wheeler, faced accusations that he repeatedly ignored and shut out his own scientists in decisions such as issuing a rule curbing but not banning asbestos; declaring the health effects of chlorpyrifos, a widely-used pesticide, “unresolved” despite years of agency research proving its danger to infants; and pushing through a policy (which has since died in the courts) to limit the type of health and epidemiological studies that could be used to justify regulations. Former Trump administration officials said the effort by Mr. Biden’s E.P.A. to discredit their work, which they maintained was conducted with robust scientific discourse, was its own brand of politics. “Every decision we made in the Trump administration was rooted in science and was based on both advice and concurrence with the career scientific team,” said Mandy Gunasekara, who served as Mr. Wheeler’s chief of staff. “Not all of them agreed, but that’s with any team.” Jonathan H. Adler, director of the Center for Environmental Law at Case Western University, said he shared some of those concerns. Understanding how many people could die at a certain level of exposure to a chemical is science, he explained. Deciding whether that risk justifies lowering the threshold for that chemical’s use is a policy judgment. “The line between what’s science and what’s policy is not always well guarded,” Mr. Adler said. Michal Freedhoff, the E.P.A.’s new acting assistant administrator in the office of chemical safety, agreed in a recent interview that disagreements over how science should inform policy are common in every administration. But, Ms. Freedhoff said, what she discovered shortly after she joined the agency in January went well beyond that, and beyond what she was expecting to find. She said she has had briefings meetings in which scientists have hesitated to explain how and why certain decisions were made during the Trump years, only to learn of multiple instances in which the researchers were told to disregard data or certain studies or were shut out of decision-making altogether. Ms. Freedhoff also said career scientists and other employees had been forced to spend an “inordinate” amount of time helping politically connected companies obtain favorable classifications for their products. The E.P.A. declined to specify the companies involved or their political connections, saying that some of the decisions were under review. But officials said one decision related to the claims that a small company could make for its pesticide. That involved at least three meetings with Trump administration appointees — unusual for what should be a routine staff-level decision. In another instance, Biden administration officials said, career scientists were required to spend a significant amount of time helping a company that wanted to have its product classified in a way that required less E.P.A. oversight. Let Us Help You Understand Climate Change “The involvement and the direction that the career staff were being given really crossed a line,” Ms. Freedhoff said. Those smaller interventions, which she said she discovered only after taking her post, led her to write a March 10 memo to her staff outlining some of the more high-profile scientific integrity violations that had been made, she said. The memo urged employees to speak out “without fear of either retaliation or being denigrated” if they had scientific opinions that did not align with the new administration’s decisions. “Unless we very clearly change direction and reaffirm the agency’s commitment to scientific integrity, transparency and decision-making about the best available science,” the agency will face continued skepticism from the courts and the public, Ms. Freedhoff said. Alexandra Dapolito Dunn, who served as head of the chemical safety office under Mr. Wheeler, said she was hurt by Ms. Freedhoff’s memo. “When someone like me reads a memo like this there’s a little bit that feels a little personal,” she said, “because even though it’s not written about me, I believe many of us who were appointed to the administration worked really hard to value the staff and to value the science.” She said the examples Ms. Freedhoff cited involved differences in scientific opinion, not violations of scientific integrity. One such decision involved pulling back on an Obama-era plan to regulate the solvent trichloroethylene, or TCE, until a new assessment was conducted. Emails first reported by Reveal News showed that when the agency concluded in 2019, as it had in the past, that TCE was unsafe because, even at low levels, it could deform the hearts of fetuses, the White House directed major changes to override the findings. Ms. Dunn, however, said the changes to the report followed a robust discussion among scientists and peer reviewers about the cardiac study. Choosing to emphasize some opinions over others “doesn’t necessarily mean there is a lack of integrity in the process,” she said. “It means there are differences in opinion.” Mr. Adler said uncovering malfeasance and learning from past errors was important, but also cautioned against “endless recriminations” and the “environmental equivalent of a Truth and Reconciliation Commission” at the E.P.A. He was referring to the restorative justice body assembled in South Africa after the end of apartheid. William K. Reilly, the E.P.A. administrator under the first President George Bush and a critic of both Mr. Pruitt and Mr. Wheeler, said he disagreed. “There’s no precedent for the attack on science, the sweep of it, the blatancy of it that we saw in the last administration,” Mr. Reilly said. He said a public reckoning was precisely what the E.P.A. needed now. “Although it could look like politics, and probably does to the Trumpies, it’s a reasonable adjustment to what has to be a major transformation,” he said. “It’s a response both to the reality of the scientific abuse that occurred and also important to agency morale.” Source link Orbem News #Attacks #EPA #review #Science #Trump

0 notes

theboatbuilderswife · 7 years ago

Photo

IMPORTANT CANON DIVERGENT PSA

( The list is now entirely up-to-date again so I thought this deserved a repost, because yes, in my canon Helga is still very much alive ❤ please keep in mind that I will use my canon divergent for EVERY interaction/thread taking place in s4/5 or any of the seasons that are still to come. STEAL or dare to claim any of these hcs as your own and I know where to find you. Seriously, they’re not yours. )

Why have you chosen to do this?

Truth be told, Angrboða‘s unnecessary death was more enough for me to go canon divergent almost immediately. A lot of things just felt extremely ooc regarding Floki and Helga’s s4b timeline, and especially the whole Tanaruz thing left me feeling unusually uncomfortable, because that was not the Helga I’d grown to love so much. In my eyes her death was pointless, like so many other deaths on the show, which is why we both have decided to go fully canon divergent when it comes to these seasons.

So can you tell us a little more about your canon divergent?

The most important thing I want you to know is that in this canon divergent Floki IS the God Loki. This has always made most sense to us and it was actually canon in the first comics and extremely hinted at in the first scripts ever written for the show. However, keep in mind that no one knows about this except for Helga and their children, unless Floki tells it them himself; even Helga didn’t know about this till Floki told her about his true identity after the events at the seer in 4x04! Angrboða did not die from her fever, and Helga gave birth to a blind son, Váli, not long after Floki got released from the caves. ( more detailed explanations per episode under the read more. I would really appreciate it if you read it when we interact in a s4/5 setting. )

What if I am not interested in your canon divergent?

I can understand that some people might think the whole Loki thing is a bit too much ( even though there is a 95% chance your muse is not aware of this, and really the only thing that changes is your muse’s knowledge regarding their children ). I will make no exceptions however, simply because I refuse to acknowledge the direction in which Hirst has taken this series regarding Helga and Floki. If you keep ignoring my use of my canon divergent in our threads that take place in s4 or s5 I will simply drop our thread. Please note that s1-s3 are still totally canon, since Helga only got pregnant with Váli at the end of s3 and she wasn’t aware of Floki’s real identity at that time. You are always welcome to come plot something during these timelines if you prefer that, and of course I also have numerous AUs and other verses I’m more than happy to use ❤

So what does change in your canon divergent?

more detailed explanations per episode under the read more. Please read if our muses (will) interact in a s4/5 setting. also please keep in mind that everything shown in the series still happened as it did unless anything different is told here or discussed beforehand.

4x01 - 4x03.

Helga learned she was pregnant with a second child during the first raid to Paris (at the end of s3), this was also the reason why she ‘forgave’ Floki after avoiding him for so long. Back in Kattegat it became obvious very quickly that Floki was targeted, but with Helga already 7 months pregnant they really couldn’t do much. Helga and Angrboða were allowed to take a small home next to the hall and Angie was nursed back to health by the other healers when she fell ill. Helga still gave up much and joined Floki in the cave to take care of him, despite his pleas not to. Both were severely hurt and weakened when they got released and stayed at the healers for a couple of days. The healers told Helga the baby probably hadn’t survived as they couldn’t feel anything move anymore. Helga refused to believe this and begged Floki to take her back home together with Angie. Even though hurt, Floki agreed and they went home a few weeks before the yule celebrations would start. Helga’s condition grew worse, and at some point even begged Floki to get the child out of her, slowly realising the healers must have been right. Despite all Helga did gave birth. Váli was born too early, blind and very weak just like his mother, but alive. It was then that Floki’s mortality began to weaken at the sight of his dying wife and son and Loki started to awaken; having spend so much time amongst mortals that he was slowly losing his true self. Unknown to her Floki healed Helga.

4x04 - 4x05.

Convincing Helga, who is now in better health, to return to Kattegat to see the seer the small family moved back to the home Helga and Angie stayed in before. After Floki’s visit to the old one he realises that he can’t keep it a secret any longer and tells Helga about his true identity. Helga of course doesn’t believe him, thinking he truly has gone insane after his punishment and again secludes herself from him, taking their children. Floki gives her space and time, but also tries to show her that he speaks the truth, showing her small things, even shapeshifting to keep and eye on her and his kids. Eventually he even shows her his true form (which is pretty much still his own look, only his height changes to 8′ and his lipscars become visible. He will only take his true form when they are alone, fearing to be discovered). Helga slowly gives in, knowing there is no denying what she sees in front of her and their relationship slowly, carefully starts to flourish again to what it once was. Both agree to travel with Harald and Halfdan when the second raid to Paris is announced, only this time they take both children, not able to leave them behind.

4x06 - 4x10.

Arriving in Paris Floki sets up a tent just outside camp, making sure he could be with his family in private whenever he needed. During the attack on camp Helga made sure Angrboða took Váli and followed the Ragnarssons into safety before she got attacked. After Floki found her their children also rejoined them. Floki tried healing Helga, but after Helga woke up she tried to convince him not to make it too obvious, and still leave most of the healing up to herself.

during the timeskip.

To us the timeskip took 8 years. In this time only a few things happened. Based on the comics Uppsala got burned down just before Ragnar left. Floki swore revenge against this blasphemy, and helped building the temple back to its former glory. Helga indeed got sick after a couple of years as was hinted in s4b, and this was the reason for Floki to decide to leave this world for a short while in search for Iðunn and her apples, practically begging the goddess to give him one in order to save Helga and allow her to stop ageing, but therefore also revealing his location to the other Gods if the Goddess would reveal his secret. Helga had to think this over for a while, but accepted nonetheless, knowing she would never be able to let death take her away from her family.

4x11 - 4x15.

Nothing much changed here, only of course that the children were present during Ragnar’s visit and during their stay in Kattegat. They also decided that they would come to the Mediterranean, staying with them while confronting Rollo in Frankia. Still being children they were not as treated as brutally as Floki and Helga however.

4x16 - 4x17

Helga might have mentioned wanting another child to Floki on the ships, but he would just have grinned, only doubting about wanting to put another child on this world when everything around them is changing as he already fears Christianity slowly taking over their lands. He would definitely not have disregarded it however. Arriving in Spain Floki never would have let his family out of sight, and never got distracted by the mosque, maybe only by the gold glistering of its roof. Helga took pity on the girl after her mother was killed by Harald, but only made sure she was brought to safety and was not amongst the women captured before returning to her family. Once back in Kattegat they stay in the small home they usually stay in when their family resides in the village for a longer period of time. Both welcome Ivar, but it is Váli who panics when he is able to feel the hostile vibe still lingering around the other boy, knowing he has harm in mind, even though it is not directed towards their family.

4x18 - 4x20

It is clear Floki will be going back to England to avenge his old friend Ragnar. He wishes for Helga to stay behind, but his dreams are plaguing him, dreams of other lands. It becomes clear to him that it is time to leave Kattegat, knowing people would soon get suspicious with Helga not ageing. He does not wish for his family to come to England, but Helga insists. It is then that he tells her of his plans. Helga is confused, hesitant, but she too knows that her time in the village will soon come to an end. During the attack on Aella Helga stays with the children at camp, only visiting Ragnar’s ‘resting place’ later together with her husband, both saying their last goodbyes. After all that Floki and Helga speak again of leaving, finally coming up with a plan that will allow them to without others even dare questioning them; Helga will fake her death. They try to keep it hidden from both their children, but Váli notices, and runs away at some point, still able to feel his mother’s pain from when she gave birth to him and not wanting to see her get hurt. Floki finds him, and assures him everything will be fine and that Helga doesn’t really get hurt, at least not something he could not heal. Helga follows him to the village, having left Váli in the care of his big sister, staying close to the boats, unseen. A song is the sign that she is ready, luring Floki towards Helga as he is able to hear it from afar. He helps her cutting her throat, just above her collar and enough to make it look convincing enough that she was attacked. He carries her around, even changing her clothes, making sure people would see her face before he heals her again in secrecy, replacing her body with that of a dead saxon woman. Helga flees, covered in robes, but still watches from the shadows how Floki buries the woman, knowing Björn is watching from afar. It is terribly painful to see him like this, and Helga waits by the grave till her husband returns to her, knowing he has spoken to Björn, and that word will spread that he is leaving with his children; to everyone Helga seems dead.

5x01 - 5x03

Floki builds them a new boat fairly quickly while Helga keeps herself hidden from everyone, hardly ever daring to show herself in public unless entirely covered so she would not be recognised. It pains them all to leave, and Helga even cries when Floki tell her about Ivar’s plea for the man to stay. She is hidden under a few blankets when the boat leaves, but even she can feel the power Floki feels when old friends chant his name; a strong worship he had not felt in years. Their journey across the sea is a difficult one, especially for Helga. She feels grief for everything and everything they had to leave behind, and even their children feel it at some point. Food and drinks are scarce, something that weakens the family greatly, and especially Helga starts to distance herself again in her sorrowful mood. They reach new land, but Helga refuses to move. Her body is still too weak, and she longs to return home. Their children too feel the effects of their long journey, but Floki can’t force himself to sit still and do nothing. He is irritated, tired, hungry, but still he begs his wife and children to stay with the ship while he searches for food and explores this new found land. He finds the waterfall and shares a vision with Váli, knowing this is indeed the land he had seen in his dreams. Before he can return to his family he is struck by another vision, or so he thinks. It is Hel who he sees in the waterfall, knowing she is trying to make her presence known to her father with her rather macabre visual tricks. Exhaustion from their long travels almost takes over at that point, but he is delighted by what he saw because his family is with him.

5x04-5x10

A few days pass and the family slowly regains their strength. Realising they are the only ones on this massive island Floki knows that they can not keep this all to themselves. He knows there are plenty of people who wish for a more quiet life, and that is exactly what he wishes for this island; to be one without a king or queen, for people to farm, and live in peace with the Gods’ names still on their lips. His boat rebuild they sail back to the mainland where first they decide to visit Uppsala one last time before they continue their journey to their old home where Helga and their children hide while Floki returns to Kattegat to find people willing to journey back with them. He is saddened to see what has become of the old village, and with Lagertha’s foolish attempt to stop him. Nonetheless he finds families worthy of following the God’s path, and builds new boats with the promise of new land. With pain in their heart they destroy their old home before they leave, and bury all their valuable belongings they can’t take with them in hope to one day return again in another lifetime. Once reaching the island the family is quick to seclude themselves again, though Floki keeps an eye on the settlement, eager to watch it grow with his guidance while he builds a home for his own family, a large farm where Helga can plant her gardens anew, and their children can keep plenty of animals. Helga and both Angie and Váli are quick to make friends amongst the settlers, helping to solve useless quarrels, and to maintain the peace on the newly discovered island. The family finds happiness again, and solitude spending their time as simple farmers, though their old professions are not forgotten, and practised plenty to assist in the development of the settlement.

#vikings rp #vikings roleplay #vikings #floki #indie rp #✿ .VERSE; canon divergent | ‘ myth is after all a neverending story ’#// yeah s5 is not much. but let's be real here. that whole storyline was crap. we did our best haha #// and as always any questions are always welcomed c:

16 notes · View notes