#probably just my bpd talking but i just wonder if i might

[relivethisdream]

I probably have BPD but I’m in my last year of high school so idrc about that rn

[zebulontheplanet]

I woke up with a lot of hate from anons so let’s clear some things up.

All that I talk about is professionally diagnosed except one diagnosis I have (which is POTs) is unofficially officially diagnosed. Which means the doctor hasn’t written it in the chart but is treating me for POTs.

I can talk about my PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED BPD if I want too. Before I said it was probably a misdiagnosis. Now I’m saying that I might be wrong and I think I should hear people out about it.

Another thing. Having the amount of diagnoses that I have IS. NOT. NORMAL. it is not normal to have 10+ conditions. However, it’s possible. It’s REALLY POSSIBLE. Because I am here, and I do have 10+ diagnoses and I am professionally diagnosed, and I know people who have about the same as me or even more! Because being disabled has this wonderful thing called comorbidities. Which I have a lot of.

Another thing, me being able to type well doesn’t mean I don’t have an intellectual disability. There are many people who have intellectual disability who go on to do amazing things! Who have families, who have kids, who are married, who have successful businesses, who have done all these things! And there’s people with ID who have not. That’s ok. We need to stop lumping people with ID in one single category and instead realize it’s a very large spectrum of capabilities and strengths.

Another thing, i have a lot better things to do then come on here and fake having disorders. I have a life. I have family. I have 5 siblings living at home and I’m the second oldest so you can imagine how busy I am. I DO NOT need to come on here and fake having conditions and disabilities. I come on here and talk about disabilities I DO HAVE because I want to share about them in my free time and I enjoy it. I don’t have to, I don’t care what other people think. I’m just here to have fun.

One last thing. I’m laughing at all you anons that sent me hate because I could really not give a fuck. I’m gonna go on with my day and talk with my boyfriend and hang out with my aunt today. So…fuck off.

Also, being autistic does not excuse you from ableism. Have a nice day!

[the-s1lly-corner]

I’m hoping this is the inbox- pls help I’m used to just reading what’s in the tags on tumblr and never requesting anything 🥹

I hope you’re having an amazing day/night/whatever time of day it is for you-!!! I just found your blog and I am so happy I did!! I’ve been binge reading it but the fact that I found someone who writes for Creepypasta???? I’m??? In luv??? (platonically ofc) may I request some LJ with a fem!reader who has bpd and he’s their fp, carries his little music box everywhere she goes and always “talks” to him in public, not caring about any crazy looks she gets from people?

Also politely asking to be 🩶 anon (if you’re taking any ofc-)

Laughing Jack x fem!reader w/ BPD who has him as her FP!

UEUEUEUE im so happy to hear you love my writing sm ehehehe! always thrilled to hear people enjoying my stuff/that it makes them happy! i hope you enjoy this, i havent written a reader with BPD before so i hope this is decent! also also youre doing wonderful; requesting i mean! i dont think theres many rules against how youre meant to request (every blog is different though!!)

honestly i think hes genuinely thrilled to be taken around and about with you in his little box! usually hes sitting in his box waiting for an unfortunate soul to take it home; its been like this for... a while now... so actually being able to go around and see things is a nice change of pace! plus it makes him feel more included in your life rather than just being an "at home friend"

i think in the beginning youre going to have to ask him to pipe down a little since he might talk a little too loud... like near yelling because hes just so excited

loves helping you shop :)! quick heads up though he might beg you to buy stuff you guys dont need

general silly ideas aside, i think hed be chattering the entire time so you two probably always have a conversation going on whenever you guys are out

probably sneers at people who give you looks tbh, will probably trip them if they decide to be a little ruder and mutter something under their breath while theyre passing by you... i mean they cant prove anything! they just tripped on air! jack totally didnt swipe one of his long arms out and tug their ankle back!

the only downside is that jack cant do much outside of talking and sneaking stuff around since him just fully popping out his box might blow his cover, you know? doesnt mean he doesnt have the urge to jump out when he sees you getting a little stressed out or overwhelmed about your surroundings or when someone is being particularly cruel

though i dont doubt hes remembering faces; i mean at the end of the day hes still a clown that specializes in torment, do i really need to say what hes cooking up in his brain?

no in cases where you're beginning to struggle hes probably going to try to quietly urge you to disconnect and take a breather

keeps your favorite candies on him at all times and slips them into your hand, probably does the same to any stress/fidget toys you may or may not have.. though i do hc he can just materialize certain things and i can easily see that sort of thing falling into something he can just yoink into existence

very good at reassuring you of your worth and how much you mean to him; this is a general thing but i think he makes it more of a point if self image is something you particularly struggle with

who would have thunk it, the clown with abandonment issues is good at reassuring others that hes not going to go anywhere

[legallybrunettedotcom]

”people are going to change their mind about you the same way you change your mind about others” real and very true!! i was wondering tho if u have advice about like. how to cope with this reality??? maybe it’s my bpd but the pain of somebody changing their mind and leaving (despite me knowing and respecting that this is their Right to do so) just…….. feels like my whole body’s on fire. hurts so bad. how does one bridge the gap between the logical knowledge and the emotional understanding???

I probably have it easier in this interpersonal regard because I don't form attachments and thus don't get hurt. I am kind of always aware a relationship, whatever it is, can end any moment. We could be having the best time ever and you still might never want to talk to me again, or me to you.

I wasn't trying to invalidate anyone's feelings and emotional turmoil. An emotion is neither valid nor invalid, we have little control over the emotions that arise in us. It's something irrational. Same with our automatic thoughts. There are such horrifying and intense things that exist in a person's brain and heart, and we can all agree it's about what we do with them, our behaviour, how we react.

I know I run for the hills when I don't like something or someone so I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't allow others that. Patience should be practiced and people should be given multiple chances (ofc there are some exceptions to this), but overall I don't want others to be miserable. Nothing about me is special, why should I demand this person stays with me and stays unhappy? But also maybe it has nothing to do with me, a candle just goes out.

I don't think we really have to bridge the gap between the logical knowledge and the emotional understanding, they can co-exist. As much as we are rational beings we're also irrational beings and we should nurture both of those aspects.

We hurt so much in so many ways. It feels like fire, like you want to tear your skin off, like you want to vomit your entire being, there's such intense pain present and there's just nothing we can do about it. It happens without our acceptance. I personally do believe time heals wounds. You find a way to distract yourself, you think about it less, it still lingers, but it feels more dull and you can live with that. I kinda think life is about sitting in the uncomfortable for a while and then seeking distractions from it, like I am experiencing all this inner turmoil, and now what will I rationally choose?

Like with so many things, I can't offer an easy way out, but I think the fact that you can recognize the other person's right to leave is already a big step, many people don't respect that. How to cope with this reality? I know I have trouble coping with my reality and I won't lie, I just don't accept it. I don't know you, you know your life the best, what you do, so I think, time and time again, the coping mechanism become the things in our everyday life. A walk and a shower won't fix someone who is extremely depressed, but they are building blocks and you try to find as many of them to put on top of each other.

[mcytblrconfessions-but-badder]

So a few years ago I was chatting with my friend about mental health and he told me about what it’s like to have BPD. As we were talking, he was making hints that I could possibly have it. I do trust his word as we’ve been friends for a long time and with him being medically diagnosed, my friend could potentially tell who has BPD (not saying he can armchair diagnosis anyone, just saying he has better insight than me)

Now I’m sitting here thinking like nah bro, I don’t check off being reckless and impulsive or having a high sex drive and blah blah blah. Then he brought up about having a favourite person and he said “have you ever felt connected with a celebrity that the moment they do something ‘wrong’ or ‘different’ your brain switches like a light switch from viewing them as good to scum of the earth? Doesn’t matter how small the change was, the switch will happen.”

And I responded back with no, that’s not me. He then said that celebrity is just a placeholder and it can be anyone from friends to family to even streamers and YouTubers.

And I sat there wondering to myself, going “oh no”

Now you’re probably reading this and thinking “being parasocial about online creators doesn’t mean you have BPD” and I agree with you, there’s a lot of factors and checkpoints for this disorder.

However, it’s not normal to sit here and think that Ranboo is annoying and boring now because he simply rebranded or that Gem is irritating to watch when she’s on screen because she said something that could be interpreted as ‘mean’ or ‘sassy’

I used to love these creators but a small switch happens and BAM! My brain then considers them scum of the earth and I try to fight back these thoughts. I know that Ranboo isn’t terrible because he changed from enderman to twink or that Gem is horrible because she said something that I didn’t personally like.

But trying telling that to a brain that can switch on a dime.

Anyway it made me reflect past friendships I’ve had with people and yeah, I don’t just switch with YouTubers and streamers lmao.

Is my friend right in that I have BPD? Who knows I haven’t gone to get diagnosed. Is it funny that the realisation might be because of minecrafters? Yes, yes it is.

.

[muffinrecord]

Himena's magical girl story was really good but also really terrifying and I don't mean the part where Himena tells Sasha, "If you wanted me to, I would kill your uncle for you tee-hee."

The earlier bits where she has anxiety about if her friends were leaving her was absolutely anxiety-inducing for me, but mostly because... I've had friends like this and we do not mix whatsoever. Personally, I'm the kind of person who needs her space. If I couldn't hang out with someone and they sent me a thousand texts and phone calls: that would be the last time I'd ever talk to them because you bet your ass I'd be afraid of them. The Hiko bits in particular made it hard to watch. It was suffocating!

I think Hiko genuinely loves her, probably. But god. Imagine if he wanted to escape her and was lightly rebuffing her this whole time out of politeness, then he started getting bullied... and then things got worse, and he couldn't escape his bullies or Himena. Then he commits suicide to escape the whole situation. AND THEN SHE BRINGS HIM BACK IN HER FUCKING BRAIN.

This is peak nightmare fuel for me specifically. Being stuck in someone's head. Without my permission. Forever. I'd beg Himena to kill me again a second time, probably.

Oh but to add, I stand by my earlier comments on Himena, that I don't think she's a bad person. Like for me she is terrifying, but that's cause of my own issues specifically. I think she's a person who really needs therapy and validation. I think she's been alone and ostracized and surrounded by fake friends for a long time, and it's led her to a lot of pain. She's so scared of going back into that whirlwind of pain that she's willing to do anything, be anything, as long as she never feels it again. And I think that's a very human thing to feel, whether it means you're scared of losing people or if you're scared of being around them.

I have a few thoughts that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder but... that one can get stigmatized badly and I hate to put that on the character that tried to genocide all of Kamihama at one point. BPD gets enough shit online, I don't want to add on "hey this homicidal character looks like u lol," you know? :/

She also seems very teenager to me, and not just in the manner she speaks. Girl hasn't experienced enough of life yet to realize that sometimes people are just busy and it's not all about you. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

...

Actually, having said that-- you know, there are a loooot of people online who dislike Himena, who act like Hikos. But having met a few of them, they tend to have a lot more in common with Himena than with Hiko-- particularly with that self-centeredness. If you don't talk to them every day, they think you hate them and lash out and want to hate you more. Anything you do is a sign meant for them to interpret. That sort of thing.

It makes me wonder if (some of) the Himena haters look at her and see an aspect of themselves that they don't like.

Anyways, I definitely recommend watching her Magical Girl Story. Some parts of it feel a little exposition-y, but it's all good and it's an interesting dive into her brain. I'd actually be really interested to hear from someone who can relate to her more than I can and what they think of her MGS.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I have a question about having a favorite person (BPD) .

I'm wondering if there's a psychological reason behind all of my favorite persons being people that I'm not close with and where there's only a one sided emotional bond (from me)?

When I hear other people with BPD talking about their favorite person it's always a partner, best friend, or somebody they're generally closer with where there's an emotional connection already established on both sides. Meanwhile for me it's always people I don't even talk to often, mutual friends, somebody who would only consider me a confidant and probably doesn't think about me at all in their life. It's almost like my brain chooses an unreachable person that I can cling on, and then it creates an unrealistic image of them in my head because I LITERALLY don't know them well to already have a clear image.

I tend to try to get closer to that person because I'm convinced they're the one to save me and then I end up creeping them out completely and they cut me off. I feel like when it's a person you're already close with, you can explain why you act that way towards them and they'll listen, but in my situation i don't even have the chance to. I just end up being a stalker. I've never heard of anybody with this fp pattern like me

Hi anon,

I think you might be describing a parasocial relationship. PsychToday defines it as "one-sided relationships in which a person develops a strong sense of connection, intimacy, or familiarity with someone they don’t know, most often celebrities or media personalities. These relationships exist only in the mind of the individual, who experiences a bond despite the lack of reciprocity." Parasocial relationships are not related to BPD but can be exacerbated by it. This is different from having FPs. Not everyone with BPD has FPs either. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[taursierbell]

10:30 (February 3rd) / *5:27 / *9:14 / *1:38 / *2:46

This is the journal(ish) I've talked about before. Or, I'm going to be treating it as a journal. This is just my vent account though.

My main blog ( @sotogalmo ) will only reblog the most important posts, while the rest is going to stay on this blog.

Very “semi-personal” entries are going to be under the “read more”. I do advise for you to not interact with those posts if the tags trigger something (but I cannot fully stop you from reading my posts). — all of my posts are (kinda) 'semi-personal' though. But some time I know I'll make some non-personal entries, some day.

I suggest you turn on the setting to see the day on my posts, since the time can be weird for others. But it's alright if you don't do that.

But do know, that my typing quirk is setting the time on top. If that bothers you, then I suggest you don't hang around here or my main blog(I do that there too).

I might already say that this is a vent blog for @sotogalmo , but this will also just be more exploring who I am, finding some terms that might fit and such. Almost a lot of my posts would be me wondering about my identity (as of now, I feel I might be a therian? Feline to be exact; maybe a domestic cat, probably a Maine Coon? — But I also might say I "kin id" with Satan from Obey Me! Shall We Date?, but I'll get more into his character to make sure I'm not making a mistake on what I said, but as a small overall of what I got from him from past interest in said fandom, I do heavily relate to him. Maybe even Itzusumi from Dungeon Meshi too, I'll get into that fandom to know if I do)

And just general rambles. (I'm also questioning therian; and my Theriotypes— Maine Coon cat, husky, bleeding heart dove, and probably more? (I feel like there's more due to some shifts with scales and such). Also with being a copinglinker too)

I might even think I have other mental illnesses. But I'll make sure of that with my therapist (I most definitely have some sort of derealization/depersonalization of sorts, maybe OCD? maybe BPD? depression of a weird kind, etc. but I'm just a weird girl)

Emojis: to explain why my posts are the way they are ↓

🕵️‍♂️🌂 -> Shuichi Saihara, DRV3

🌘🕵️‍♂️🕳️🧿 and 🟦🤖 -> Avoid/Detach Eye & Blue Robot.

⚡🔥 🐍🧶👾-> Raph, TMNT12/TMNT:MM, Needlem0use & Nemesis/Surge, Satan.

🔮🩹 -> Casey Jr, ROTTMNT: Movie

🫧🩺 -> Gaster mixed with rise Leo?

👁️‍🗨️⛳🧩 -> Tony Becker: GGY FNAF

🐕‍🦺🐕⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐🌕 -> Servant.

🕷️🌸🦚💞💞 -> Voice of the Smitten & Angel Dust(ish)

🍝🍊 -> THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

🧸🌀 -> CC

Shuichi: remembering, finding out, piano music & stars. Justice seeking and friendship.

Avoid/Robot: detachment, wanting to be detached from a situation/feeling detached from a situation. Feeling robotic or even sounding robotic/too formal. Only when talking about trauma(or just anything serious)

Raph/Needlem0use/Nemesis/Surge/Santan: my anger part. Quite obviously and is most present almost all of the time. Many faces for that part but you get the idea

Casey: family issues part. Finding comfort in ROTTMNT/how families are portrayed in ROTTMNT.

🩺🫧: mentality, “fascinating”, “oh! my apologies!”, old timey quotes(??), fancy talk part

Tony: Casey & Shuichi mix. Tony is all about how families work and how friendships work. Mainly will be talking about siblings and what I have left of them in my mind

Servant: how I act in school/me just following rules

Smitten & Angel Dust: love, desires, relationships(romantic), sexual & emotional intimacy part of myself. Also sin, since that connects very much to desires (for me). Validation as well

PAPYRUS: only(maybe?) in all caps. Bravery, autism autisming. General excitement!! Very expressive part of me

CC: little me/me feeling little. Mainly just gonna be emojis of plushies or talk of toys. Ig (if something so serious happens and I regress into them)

I separate a lot of my feelings to be their own characters. And then those characters would be then influenced by other characters. And then they just become different parts of me. That's why I use their names and such. — maybe this means, I'm probably a copinglinker !

[borderline-culture-is]

Alrighty, thank you. I'm gonna try to keep it short. I have bpd and am aroace. I recently came to the conclusion I'm greyromantic (took me a long time to figure out because I thought it was because of my bpd). And about 4 months ago I split "because of" my now ex-fiance (we're ldr by the way, had dated for over a year), because she said that I didn't care about her sexual assault, while I had basically been there for her literally 24/7 and have comforted her constantly and had many sleepless nights to help her through her trauma and I care a lot. After 2 months she finally felt a bit better and no longer suicidal. Since she said that and since my split, I thought I might as well drop the bomb and came out to her as greyro. We decided to take a break and broke up 2 weeks ago, and since a bit before that I'm no longer capable of feeling romantic love for her no matter how hard I try or force myself. I'm wondering if this could be related to my bpd or if it's me being greyro? Before she hurt me like that and "made" me split, I felt romantic love for her every other day and now it's just nonexistent. I've read about the romantic moodswings people with bpd can experience and I'm wondering if you might know if that's the case or not? The split (actually, what she said) and the fight still affect me a lot, and my ex told me she felt unloved by me for months, because I haven't been able to show her or feel a lot of love since my split. It just felt wrong and forced. And since 2 weeks before we broke up I didn't feel any love for her at all any more, even though I did want to. I did notice my bpd "symptoms" calmed down a LOT since we broke up. But now I'm not sure if this not feeling any romantic love any more is bpd or me being aroace.

I had already purchased a flight ticket to meet up with her in January, I bought it before the split even happened. We do want to talk about things and go over things but because of my greyro a normal relationship definitely isn't gonna happen any more. Before our break we talked about a possible queerplatonicrelationship, but I want to make sure she gets what she needs out of that and that I actually improve my feelings for her. Right now I'm just hurt all the time, every picture of us together triggers me, I don't even want to think about her any more, it sucks.

Thank you for taking your time to try and help me with this, it means a lot

-🐦

Okay

I think that the sudden lack of romantic love feelings isn't a greyromantic thing, I think it's def an emotional response to what happened (so probably BPD)

I think we say this because of the BPD flare-ups and such calming down a lot after breaking up, that sounds like maybe now that you aren't together anymore, the things that were hurting you stopped, therefore making those BPD responses not needed anymore (deemed by the brain).

I say that cause it's a traumagenic disorder, and it'd make sense that your brain would both kinda cease the love and BPD responses once it perceives the hurt and danger to be over per se.

I think you could heal from this. It'd just take a lot of work and cooperation from both parties, me thinks.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, brain is mush rn. If you want us to try n further elaborate when our brain is less mush we can 👍 i hope things work out ok, you got this OP 💪

-🌸+🪶

[stinkrascal]

A couple things I was wondering is how did you figure out you had BPD? I know there's a couple disorders that can often get diagnosed beforehand, so I guess how did you know there was more going on? Secondly, what kind of therapy do you feel was the most helpful, if any? I have issues keeping a therapist because they tuxedo mask away after realizing I already have CBT down (which only kind of helps me). Thank you for being open about BPD! I feel like there's so much unnecessary stigma.

hiiiiii!! sorry i didnt reply yesterday i spent all day writing my silly sims stories 😴 i will talk about my experience under the cut!! ty for being curious about it!! <3

umm tbh i was diagnosed in a really weird way lol. so, like, where i went to high school was a really conservative and religious town, and when i was a freshman in high school i was one of the only trans/lgbt kids that was vocally out at my school. there were more of them, my friend group was basically all lgbt ppl, but i was the only person in my school who would demand staff to call me a different name/use different pronouns. but anyways so my lgbt friend group was being bullied pretty badly so our school hired this counselor training in lgbt issues that would talk to us individually about our experiences as lgbt kids who were bullied and such. it was actually really cool you know! but anyways i was one of the students who had to participate in this and the lady who was talking to me realized that i was, like, a really troubled kid lol. and on top of that i was failing all my classes and i had been struggling in school my entire life (like consistently making report cards with at least 5/7 of the classes being failed type of shit) sooooo they basically had this like idk meeting with my parents? where they were super adamant that they take me to a doctor and put me into therapy bc i was struggling really badly and yeah. after that my parents put me into therapy and got in touch w a doctor and i got some treatment and eventually a bpd diagnosis. but yea it only happened cuz of my school forcing them to take me ha.

the truth is i didn't really suspect anything was wrong with me because the way i grew up, i thought everyone acted like me 🤷‍♂️ i think the only time i started really thinking i might have bpd was when i got my first boyfriend at 16, that's when my codependency and attachment issues really started to manifest, and those have always consistently been the bpd symptoms i struggle the most with. but even back then i didn't really know what bpd was, so it wasn't like i was specifically thinking i was suffering w bpd. more so that i knew something was Off about me but i couldn't really explain what it was

unfortunately i haven't gone to therapy in a long time :( and the last time i went it wasn't for bpd treatment at all. so i really can't say what could help you there in terms of therapy. i did group therapy during my bpd treatment but it didn't really help me much.

you're probably not gonna like this answer lmao but i use weed to medicate my intense mood swings and that helps a lot. also just being able to recognize when i need to cool off and being able to use my words to tell ppl that i need to be alone for a minute to clear my head, that helps too. basically just being mindful of ur changing emotions and giving yourself room to feel those emotions and allow them to pass u, without feeling guilt for this, and without projecting those emotions onto other ppl bc at the end of the day it isn't really anyone else's fault that u feel the way you do.

also just try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt in general, ik my bpd makes me SO sensitive like for example. ik we make jokes about this but you guys im not kidding, my favorite mutual reblogging a post from someone else instead of me hurts my feelings so bad some days i have to just log off and go cry about it. CRY ABOUT IT YOU GUYS! it's really awful and totally not grounded in reality 😭 but like it's there, it's something i experience and deal with, and it isn't anyone's fault that it happens, it's just the cards i was dealt with.

so instead of projecting that feeling onto my beloved mutuals and being like Ohhhhh so you actually hate me! You actually want me to kill myself! You've actually never cared about me ever, person I've had two conversations with in total! yeah instead of working myself up for something so silly... i just try to put myself in other ppls shoes, try to remember that when i do things it is not with malicious intent and most people are also not doing things with malicious intent. bc for me, my bpd tends to dehumanize ppl... they arent people with nuance and depth and complex and at times contradictory lives, theyre my Favorite Person, person who does no wrong, person who could never do any wrong no matter how hard they try, and that's dehumanizing, that's unfair to the person!! so by humanizing the other person, by remembering we are all people with rich inner lives and struggles and most of us just want to do our best even when we slip and fall... it helps calm me down from those spirals where im like, ohhhhh god everyone hates me because they didn't reblog a text post from meeeee!!! lol

[intimate-reaper]

I used to be a part of few servers, on the clear web, no hacking or dark web or even onion, very easy to find blogs from a host called Mastodon. And from there, there were groups for people to talk about their experiences with paraphilic disorders and I mainly used it to spread general check-ins and wholesome memes. Because the Internet sucks and I wanted to have a happy safe space for people like me. Because I was really struggling to accept my thoughts and attractions, that stemmed from abuse, and the conflation that having a paraphilia meant that you were a harmful and abusive person. I never want anyone to go through the exploitation I went through - and I wasn't exploited because someone was attracted to me. I was because someone wanted to abuse their power over someone vulnerable in age and mind and situation. I probably have made a few distasteful, vague posts about wishing I could act without causing harm, or saying that I found certain physical traits attractive, without any threats (intentionally). And I obviously did not share or downplay abusive content, I kept things safe for work. I wanted support. I felt people deserved that, especially if someone who is a minor was also struggling at least seeing an adult paraphile live a happy, normal life with optimism and a support network and goals might help them. I don't have the source but most pedophiles learn they're pedophiles when they're only 14. I don't want children who are only 14 to kill themselves; it should go without saying. But I started to notice a disturbing trend of people who called themselves "pro contacts", which essentially means abusing this support platform to solicit minors for abusive activity. I don't want to go into details because it's triggering and gross, but it's pretty much just explicitly advertising that any minor can message them for sexting and that if you are a minor you are in threat of being harassed by them. I hated these people. Why would they try to take away my safe space, where I could simply have a break from being stigmatized? Where they would rather harm others? Three people who I knew from the websites, repeatedly making off-putting and dangerous rhetoric in pro contact posts... Probably more than 3, and I'm about to look through my blocklist archives... Were exposed - unsurprisingly - for sexual exploitation material. I knew this would happen. And now entire groups, entire servers are being called into question by social media and law enforcement. I'm glad I left. I hated these people. I didn't want them in my community. And the one person I respected so much, too much (parasocial, and unfortunately had to leave due to splitting/bpd), was compared to a Nazi for just... Reporting these people. Trying to keep the community I needed safe. We didn't agree on everything. I still respect that person a lot even if we don't talk. But I miss what that space could have been. I wonder if there's anything that person could have done differently or how their side of things are going. Do they still have a server, a group at all? I don't know. I don't want to ask. Obviously this situation has been stressful to learn about accidentally. I recognize these abusers. They tried to be my friends. I feel gross. It makes me hate myself even more. I feel hopeless wondering if this is how this is always going to go. No wonder people hate me so much.

[fierceawakening]

Like, I have PTSD. I self-diagnosed after reading books like Herman's Trauma and Recovery. Even then, the way I asked for help was "Hi, I'm Fierce, I had this experience happen to me and these things have troubled me since. I know it's not the classic traumatic experience but do you think it's possible I could have PTSD?" I was so clearly right my therapist laughs about my having doubted.

But nowadays, whether it's something I looked up or an algorithm or something else, everything I get recommended on Youtube is "Is it PTSD or CPTSD? And did you know CPTSD is comorbid with a lot of personality disorders?"

If I was relying on social media now and not on hundred page books twenty years ago, I think I very easily could've decided I have CPTSD and BPD, just because the way people talk on socmed really downplays "the regular one" and makes it sound like if you experienced anything more chronic than One Big Event, PTSD is Inadequate to Describe You.

So... yeah. I am not against self-dx, me doing it is probably why I am currently not dead. But I think there's a weirdly anti-intellectual bent to some of the way people talk about it and downplay looking for official confirmation, and I worry that distorts some things.

(Again, not an expert here either, but I often look at Tumblerians saying that we've all got narcissism wrong if we assume someone who has it might be manipulative and wonder, have WE all got it wrong, or are young people self-dxing and minimizing the "lots of people like this are abusive" bit because they're not abusive and don't have another word for what they actually are?)

i'm against accusing random tik tok accounts of faking their mental disorder because it is impossible to authentically express anything on tik tok, much less to authentically express your tourette's syndrome.

[catnipcrime]

mental health thoughts after the last reblog

you know, i wasn't sure if i should post this here, but i just reblogged a post related to it, so here we go. i still feel vulnerable posting these thoughts, so i still might delete this later. btw this is also kind of long. sorry.

note: i definitely feel like i'm probably over reacting to a lot of this, but do feel free to correct me on anything.

ANYWAY, okay, how do i start talking about this? i'm no fan of the DSM, but i've been doing research on something, and it lead up to doing research on psychotic disorders and disorders with psychotic features. back when i was in my teens, i was diagnosed with MDD "possibly with psychotic features" before i knew much about psychosis. i was told that my narcolepsy was causing the weird brain stuff that could be related to that because, well, it can cause psychotic-like symptoms. but anyway. i should get to the point.

during the time i got that psych exam, and during years surrounding it, i was dealing with catatonia (based on what a therapist said), hallucinations that really stressed me out (mostly episodic), and weird beliefs (the example i like to give is the time where i believed an imposter took over my partner's body because i've talked about it enough tor remember it, even with my shitty memory), and more. i would either have few-hour long episodes that happened when my BPD stuff was acting up or longer ones that were more more random (i think).

anyway, i don't really bring these experiences up to psychs because they usually change the subject or are like "you don't seem like someone who's psychotic." (reminds me of the psychiatrist that looked at "R/O BPD" on my exam results and was like, "you just don't seem like you have BPD. i can tell as soon as patients walk into my office!" and therefore didn't even look for it. (and then another psych, later on, said i fit the criteria, but whatever).

back to the point. it's been really hard to tell if what i'm experiencing is depression or negative symptoms. after upping certain medications, i don't think i've experienced the "depressed mood" symptom for a long time, which makes my psych nurse wonder if i'm even experiencing depression. (though i know that you don't need the "depressed mood" symptom to be in a depressive episode, so idk.) but one thing i've noticed is that the symptoms of depression i do experience are also negative symptoms. plus i experience negative symptoms that aren't criteria for depression. whatever these symptoms are have potentially taken over my life more than most things.

but one big detail is that i stopped experiencing positive symptoms (except for when i'm on weed). i was out of an episode for a few months (longer than usual), and then started an atypical antipsychotic, and now i haven't experienced them in years, whatever the reason is.

it could be the medication, but i don't think that usually makes positive symptoms... go away completely? i've also been researching residual psychotic disorders (or the "residual stage" of schizophrenia for example), which aren't in the DSM-5 (they were in the DSM-4, but i'd figure it's still a phenomenon), and i've only spent like 5-7 hours researching total, but it seems to... fit? but obviously there could be something i'm missing.

i'm not claiming i fit the criteria of anything i've been talking about. it really just makes me wonder how what's going on would be labeled. i hope i'm not too ridiculous for wondering about this.

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[murdocktm]

actually now that i've been awake properly for a moment i'm thinking about this harder. thinking about matt swallowing his feelings & certain aspects of himself, trying ( & often failing ) to divide himself in a way that makes him more palatable ( the most obvious example of this is matt & daredevil but there are other instances of this as well )

thinking about him pursuing flings w women for most of his young adult life but sometimes he catches himself listening to a masc's heartbeat too long, the way his breath passes through his lungs, wondering what it might be like to be closer - only to try & distract himself from tht path because he has this inclination that he feels one way so he cannot feel the other.

thinking, also about how his faith might get in the way of his actualization? though i don't think any specific anti-queer rhetoric was shoved down his throat, i do think that he's probably caught bits & pieces of it over his life growing up in the catholic church, catching people's prayers whispered under their breath.

i think it might leave him feeling a certain way if any of it was related to the subject. the bpd post is coming soon but one of the major points is matt finding value in himself in how certain people view him & it could definitely tear him down a little in this regard to catch the feeling tht he could be viewed as less than for it.

i think a big part of him realizing his bisexuality is connected to foggy, though that is a whole post on it's own. foggy was the first person he felt mostly comfortable with, there were pieces of matt he didn't want foggy to see. the fighting, the training, his past & more of the things he keeps to the daredevil side of himself. but his sexuality was never one of those things & i think the openness in which they were able to experience that lead to a different sort of openness within matt?

also i think him experimenting in college started w foggy, i know i've talked abt that briefly before but i do think there would be a certain vulrebility in that acceptance of self & each other matt would struggle to find w anyone else. but this goes for a lot of parts of him that he didn't understand, i'm just thinking specifically abt matt & bisexuality rn

unless writing w another spider-man i might treat my spider-man as canon. he's not mcu compliant but we write canon here. bcs there is something v fun to me about the potential of spider-man being a very openly queer, trans man that has become a huge part of the queer community & a inspiration to matt.

something abt them already having this really solid foundation of understanding in what it takes to do what they do makes matt value his experience intensely / encourage him to advocate for his sexuality / just generally have a bit more self acceptance on that part. i still think he would attend pride events as matt murdock, not daredevil, bcs there is also something v fun to me about matt struggling w understanding if matt is the mask or daredevil but allowing himself to be apart of a space & community that takes him either way.

like, matt & his journey to accepting his sexuality is complicated & hard for him often but i don't want it to be something that is full of sadness. i think there is like such beauty in queer self-acceptance & the joy that comes with it. i just think that matt never makes it easy to be happy lmao.

I fell back asleep but i was dreaming abt Matt going to pride events

[windvexer]

When I was researching symptoms of blocked chakras I realized that all the “signs of blockage” were literally just signs of my various mental illness and even my autism. Obviously no disrespect to those who believe in them, they can do whatever the hell they want, but I haven’t seen any one else talk about this and I’m wondering if I’m the only person who’s noticed at this point lmao

You are not the only one!

Those chakras you are reading about aren't chakras. The blog whose resource I used to link out has been deactivated :'( that'll teach me to not reblog

But uh, yeah. They're not chakras at all. You're reading about New Age concepts lifted from Buddhism and Hinduism, propagated by people who don't know what they're talking about. These religious and spiritual concepts are perverted into pseudo-science content for the "wellness" industry.

It definitely doesn't stop there! Commonly listed symptoms of things like being an empath, indigo child, starseed, or twin flame very very very very often are common symptoms of anxiety, depression, BPD, and other actual medical conditions.

If these lists aren't telling you that your anxiety means you're actually an ascended 5th dimensional alien being reborn as a human to do sacred work, the list is probably telling you that incredibly normal human experiences - like, preferring genuine friendships, sometimes feeling awkward, or enjoying walks in nature - means you're actually Born Special.

It doesn't take too much effort to see how this is Very Dangerous. As soon as they've got you convinced that your BPD symptoms are actually you awakening to your deepest truest soul mate who has the power to heal you, all you need to do is stop running away from your truth (aka, stop taking your meds!) and spend all your money on essential oils (the ones affiliate linked by the person who got you to stop medicating), and bobs your uncle, you've got the start of a really really really bad downwards spiral on your hands :)

But that downwards spiral is to be expected - that's your spiritual awakening, and it means your life is about to get better than ever! You just need to think positive and stop vibrating negativity into your future - remember, THE LAW means you will attract everything you think about. So if you think you might have a mental illness, you do! The cure is to believe you don't :)

Ugh... yeah. We all know about this shit going on. The "cause and effect aren't real, science is fake, and you are literally god so just choose what reality exists" community is very strong on tumblr.

Especially be wary of any group that tries to make their shit sound scientific. Magic ain't science and people who realllly want you to believe it's science have something dangerous to sell.

Stay away from all of 'em. No good comes from marinating in those murky waters. With all the glitter on top, you can't see the crocodiles lurking down below.

@maddiviner is a breath of fresh air in this regard, providing many useful and educational posts on the topic:

The Way the Magical Community Treats Mental Illness

Untitled post about the intersection between mental illness and magic

Esoteric Empathy Rant

Untitled post about "shaman sickness"