#probably just my bpd talking but i just wonder if i might

[shoyoist]

okay so !! i'm in touch with a local artist that makes really cute crocheted dolls and keychains, and i need someone to tell me how good of an idea it would be if i got crocheted doll versions of me and my girlfriend. like these for example ⬇️

[zebulontheplanet]

I woke up with a lot of hate from anons so let’s clear some things up.

All that I talk about is professionally diagnosed except one diagnosis I have (which is POTs) is unofficially officially diagnosed. Which means the doctor hasn’t written it in the chart but is treating me for POTs.

I can talk about my PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED BPD if I want too. Before I said it was probably a misdiagnosis. Now I’m saying that I might be wrong and I think I should hear people out about it.

Another thing. Having the amount of diagnoses that I have IS. NOT. NORMAL. it is not normal to have 10+ conditions. However, it’s possible. It’s REALLY POSSIBLE. Because I am here, and I do have 10+ diagnoses and I am professionally diagnosed, and I know people who have about the same as me or even more! Because being disabled has this wonderful thing called comorbidities. Which I have a lot of.

Another thing, me being able to type well doesn’t mean I don’t have an intellectual disability. There are many people who have intellectual disability who go on to do amazing things! Who have families, who have kids, who are married, who have successful businesses, who have done all these things! And there’s people with ID who have not. That’s ok. We need to stop lumping people with ID in one single category and instead realize it’s a very large spectrum of capabilities and strengths.

Another thing, i have a lot better things to do then come on here and fake having disorders. I have a life. I have family. I have 5 siblings living at home and I’m the second oldest so you can imagine how busy I am. I DO NOT need to come on here and fake having conditions and disabilities. I come on here and talk about disabilities I DO HAVE because I want to share about them in my free time and I enjoy it. I don’t have to, I don’t care what other people think. I’m just here to have fun.

One last thing. I’m laughing at all you anons that sent me hate because I could really not give a fuck. I’m gonna go on with my day and talk with my boyfriend and hang out with my aunt today. So…fuck off.

Also, being autistic does not excuse you from ableism. Have a nice day!

[the-s1lly-corner]

I’m hoping this is the inbox- pls help I’m used to just reading what’s in the tags on tumblr and never requesting anything 🥹

I hope you’re having an amazing day/night/whatever time of day it is for you-!!! I just found your blog and I am so happy I did!! I’ve been binge reading it but the fact that I found someone who writes for Creepypasta???? I’m??? In luv??? (platonically ofc) may I request some LJ with a fem!reader who has bpd and he’s their fp, carries his little music box everywhere she goes and always “talks” to him in public, not caring about any crazy looks she gets from people?

Also politely asking to be 🩶 anon (if you’re taking any ofc-)

Laughing Jack x fem!reader w/ BPD who has him as her FP!

UEUEUEUE im so happy to hear you love my writing sm ehehehe! always thrilled to hear people enjoying my stuff/that it makes them happy! i hope you enjoy this, i havent written a reader with BPD before so i hope this is decent! also also youre doing wonderful; requesting i mean! i dont think theres many rules against how youre meant to request (every blog is different though!!)

honestly i think hes genuinely thrilled to be taken around and about with you in his little box! usually hes sitting in his box waiting for an unfortunate soul to take it home; its been like this for... a while now... so actually being able to go around and see things is a nice change of pace! plus it makes him feel more included in your life rather than just being an "at home friend"

i think in the beginning youre going to have to ask him to pipe down a little since he might talk a little too loud... like near yelling because hes just so excited

loves helping you shop :)! quick heads up though he might beg you to buy stuff you guys dont need

general silly ideas aside, i think hed be chattering the entire time so you two probably always have a conversation going on whenever you guys are out

probably sneers at people who give you looks tbh, will probably trip them if they decide to be a little ruder and mutter something under their breath while theyre passing by you... i mean they cant prove anything! they just tripped on air! jack totally didnt swipe one of his long arms out and tug their ankle back!

the only downside is that jack cant do much outside of talking and sneaking stuff around since him just fully popping out his box might blow his cover, you know? doesnt mean he doesnt have the urge to jump out when he sees you getting a little stressed out or overwhelmed about your surroundings or when someone is being particularly cruel

though i dont doubt hes remembering faces; i mean at the end of the day hes still a clown that specializes in torment, do i really need to say what hes cooking up in his brain?

no in cases where you're beginning to struggle hes probably going to try to quietly urge you to disconnect and take a breather

keeps your favorite candies on him at all times and slips them into your hand, probably does the same to any stress/fidget toys you may or may not have.. though i do hc he can just materialize certain things and i can easily see that sort of thing falling into something he can just yoink into existence

very good at reassuring you of your worth and how much you mean to him; this is a general thing but i think he makes it more of a point if self image is something you particularly struggle with

who would have thunk it, the clown with abandonment issues is good at reassuring others that hes not going to go anywhere

[polyamorouspunk]

Curious what your thoughts are on ppl being "obligate" polyam?

I ask because I've been debating if maybe I might be because I feel so in love with my gf rn, but... I still feel like I'm missing something. Like. She feels like a single flavor of food that I like. But, as much as I do I couldn't live off of just that one thing yk?

It scares me though, because she's explicitly monogamous, so I can't really go out and explore and try it out to see if it's for me without losing her. I don't really know what to do. Or how much longer I should stay still feeling like this. Or if I should just dismiss it as baseless anxiety and just let myself enjoy being with her.

I'm so scared to break her heart.

And like, how can I do this? How can I seriously be considering losing her just to try something I don't even know if I need or will even like.

It feels wrong, I love her this is stupid. But I just can't seem to dismiss it. I mean, I'm literally typing this in the middle of a New Years Eve party because I just can't get it out of my head.

I think what you’re calling “obligate” polyam is what I call “inherently” polyam, where, it’s like, I WILL fall in love or at least crush on other people and want to date them at the same time no matter what, it’s not a choice it’s just how I feel.

I started this blog as an outlet for my anger issues which I now realize probably stem from my bpd and just to talk about polyamory- correct the RAMPANT misinformation people were spreading, but also, to talk about the stuff no one else seemed to talk about. I’m really lucky that my polyam mutuals post about all the wonderful things about polyamory- the love, the amazing partners, the memes, etc. But that left me needing a space to talk about what I felt the most- shame.

I came out at 17 as polyam and it was awful. I was terrified I was going to lose my partner over it. I was filled with this awful feeling of being a horrible person for not “loving my partner enough” and so worried they were going to see it as them “not being good enough for me”. I mean I was seriously broken up about it.

But my partner took it in stride. We made it work. But I still felt this deep shame that ended up leading me to decide to be monogamous just for them after a while.

I even started dating my now-again-gf while dating my primary partner at the time, and although she literally dated me while I was dating someone else and quite literally knows I run this blog, I still haven’t re-brought-up the fact that I’m polyam, and that’s 100% hanging over my head, especially with how infatuated I am with someone else right now, though we’ve talked about that a little.

I’m really lucky I have people like @eevyerndracaneon and the people in my polyam discord server to talk openly about the shame and guilt that I still to this day feel about being polyam despite running one of the biggest polyamory blogs on this website.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned though, it’s that monogamous people can be a lot more open-minded than you’d expect. I’ve never actually dated anyone polyam. All of my partners have been monogamous. And all of my monogamous partners have been fine with me dating other people while also dating them.

And a few years ago, my brother came out as polyam! And it was even harder for him than coming out as gay! And once again I was lucky enough to ride on the tailwind of him coming out first as the older one and also come out as polyam. Even my best friend and I have talked about dating and having an open relationship in the past.

It’s funny, and wild, how many polyamorous people you’ll meet out in the open once you come out too. My first semester in college, I was sitting in front of two older trans guys when I heard them talking about polyamory, and shyly I turned around and asked if they were polyam and they said yes, and they were the first polyam people I had met (that I know of).

Just a few months ago I was at a concert and sat next to a group of 3 people that were all really touchy and flirty, and since they were all really obvious about it I just asked if they were all dating and they explained their polycule to me and I was just like… me! That’s me! Me too! And they were SO happy to meet me back!

A lot of the other polyam blogs on here will tell you the same thing: it’s unrealistic to expect one person to fill every single want and need you have, and can put a lot of pressure on that person to do things they maybe aren’t comfortable with.

It’s not as unusual and shameful as you might think. It’s really all about conquering that inner polyphobia, which can be really hard, and is a process. Hell, I’m 24 now, and run this majorly successful polyam blog, and I’m STILL in my discord server like “guys idk how to tell my gf I’m polyam… again… uh… imma just not rn”.

Only you can decide what the best course of action for you is. I know I’ve lived fine with choosing monogamy and feeling like I’m missing out on some of my wants/needs as a sacrifice for a wholesome relationship I wanted to keep. A compromise, if you will. I also know that not coming out to my partner as polyam was eating me up inside at the time. And that when they did end our relationship and I was able to be with someone else I did realize things I was missing from that relationship and how GOOD it was to finally have those things.

Be optimistic. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, really, it’s that there’s more of us out there than you think, even if we go by different names, but also that monogamous people really can be open-minded and willing to share a partner.

[muffinrecord]

Himena's magical girl story was really good but also really terrifying and I don't mean the part where Himena tells Sasha, "If you wanted me to, I would kill your uncle for you tee-hee."

The earlier bits where she has anxiety about if her friends were leaving her was absolutely anxiety-inducing for me, but mostly because... I've had friends like this and we do not mix whatsoever. Personally, I'm the kind of person who needs her space. If I couldn't hang out with someone and they sent me a thousand texts and phone calls: that would be the last time I'd ever talk to them because you bet your ass I'd be afraid of them. The Hiko bits in particular made it hard to watch. It was suffocating!

I think Hiko genuinely loves her, probably. But god. Imagine if he wanted to escape her and was lightly rebuffing her this whole time out of politeness, then he started getting bullied... and then things got worse, and he couldn't escape his bullies or Himena. Then he commits suicide to escape the whole situation. AND THEN SHE BRINGS HIM BACK IN HER FUCKING BRAIN.

This is peak nightmare fuel for me specifically. Being stuck in someone's head. Without my permission. Forever. I'd beg Himena to kill me again a second time, probably.

Oh but to add, I stand by my earlier comments on Himena, that I don't think she's a bad person. Like for me she is terrifying, but that's cause of my own issues specifically. I think she's a person who really needs therapy and validation. I think she's been alone and ostracized and surrounded by fake friends for a long time, and it's led her to a lot of pain. She's so scared of going back into that whirlwind of pain that she's willing to do anything, be anything, as long as she never feels it again. And I think that's a very human thing to feel, whether it means you're scared of losing people or if you're scared of being around them.

I have a few thoughts that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder but... that one can get stigmatized badly and I hate to put that on the character that tried to genocide all of Kamihama at one point. BPD gets enough shit online, I don't want to add on "hey this homicidal character looks like u lol," you know? :/

She also seems very teenager to me, and not just in the manner she speaks. Girl hasn't experienced enough of life yet to realize that sometimes people are just busy and it's not all about you. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

...

Actually, having said that-- you know, there are a loooot of people online who dislike Himena, who act like Hikos. But having met a few of them, they tend to have a lot more in common with Himena than with Hiko-- particularly with that self-centeredness. If you don't talk to them every day, they think you hate them and lash out and want to hate you more. Anything you do is a sign meant for them to interpret. That sort of thing.

It makes me wonder if (some of) the Himena haters look at her and see an aspect of themselves that they don't like.

Anyways, I definitely recommend watching her Magical Girl Story. Some parts of it feel a little exposition-y, but it's all good and it's an interesting dive into her brain. I'd actually be really interested to hear from someone who can relate to her more than I can and what they think of her MGS.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I have a question about having a favorite person (BPD) .

I'm wondering if there's a psychological reason behind all of my favorite persons being people that I'm not close with and where there's only a one sided emotional bond (from me)?

When I hear other people with BPD talking about their favorite person it's always a partner, best friend, or somebody they're generally closer with where there's an emotional connection already established on both sides. Meanwhile for me it's always people I don't even talk to often, mutual friends, somebody who would only consider me a confidant and probably doesn't think about me at all in their life. It's almost like my brain chooses an unreachable person that I can cling on, and then it creates an unrealistic image of them in my head because I LITERALLY don't know them well to already have a clear image.

I tend to try to get closer to that person because I'm convinced they're the one to save me and then I end up creeping them out completely and they cut me off. I feel like when it's a person you're already close with, you can explain why you act that way towards them and they'll listen, but in my situation i don't even have the chance to. I just end up being a stalker. I've never heard of anybody with this fp pattern like me

Hi anon,

I think you might be describing a parasocial relationship. PsychToday defines it as "one-sided relationships in which a person develops a strong sense of connection, intimacy, or familiarity with someone they don’t know, most often celebrities or media personalities. These relationships exist only in the mind of the individual, who experiences a bond despite the lack of reciprocity." Parasocial relationships are not related to BPD but can be exacerbated by it. This is different from having FPs. Not everyone with BPD has FPs either. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[tarpitbell]

10:30 (February 3rd) / *5:27 / *9:14 / *1:38 / *2:46

This is the journal(ish) I've talked about before. Or, I'm going to be treating it as a journal. This is just my vent account though.

My main blog ( @sotogalmo ) will only reblog the most important posts, while the rest is going to stay on this blog.

Very “semi-personal” entries are going to be under the “read more”. I do advise for you to not interact with those posts if the tags trigger something (but I cannot fully stop you from reading my posts). — all of my posts are (kinda) 'semi-personal' though. But some time I know I'll make some non-personal entries, some day.

I suggest you turn on the setting to see the day on my posts, since the time can be weird for others. But it's alright if you don't do that.

But do know, that my typing quirk is setting the time on top. If that bothers you, then I suggest you don't hang around here or my main blog(I do that there too).

I might already say that this is a vent blog for @sotogalmo , but this will also just be more exploring who I am, finding some terms that might fit and such. Almost a lot of my posts would be me wondering about my identity (as of now, I feel I might be a therian? Feline to be exact; maybe a domestic cat, probably a Maine Coon? — But I also might say I "kin id" with Satan from Obey Me! Shall We Date?, but I'll get more into his character to make sure I'm not making a mistake on what I said, but as a small overall of what I got from him from past interest in said fandom, I do heavily relate to him. Maybe even Itzusumi from Dungeon Meshi too, I'll get into that fandom to know if I do)

And just general rambles. (I'm also questioning therian; and my Theriotypes— Maine Coon cat, husky, bleeding heart dove, and probably more? (I feel like there's more due to some shifts with scales and such). Also with being a copinglinker too)

I might even think I have other mental illnesses. But I'll make sure of that with my therapist (I most definitely have some sort of derealization/depersonalization of sorts, maybe OCD? maybe BPD? depression of a weird kind, etc. but I'm just a weird girl)

Emojis: to explain why my posts are the way they are ↓

🕵️‍♂️🌂 -> Shuichi Saihara, DRV3

🌘🕵️‍♂️🕳️🧿 and 🟦🤖 -> Avoid/Detach Eye & Blue Robot.

⚡🔥 🐍🧶👾-> Raph, TMNT12/TMNT:MM, Needlem0use & Nemesis/Surge, Satan.

🔮🩹 -> Casey Jr, ROTTMNT: Movie

🫧🩺 -> Gaster mixed with rise Leo?

👁️‍🗨️⛳🧩 -> Tony Becker: GGY FNAF

🐕‍🦺🐕⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐🌕 -> Servant.

🕷️🌸🦚💞💞 -> Voice of the Smitten & Angel Dust(ish)

🍝🍊 -> THE GREAT PAPYRUS!

🧸🌀 -> CC

Shuichi: remembering, finding out, piano music & stars. Justice seeking and friendship.

Avoid/Robot: detachment, wanting to be detached from a situation/feeling detached from a situation. Feeling robotic or even sounding robotic/too formal. Only when talking about trauma(or just anything serious)

Raph/Needlem0use/Nemesis/Surge/Santan: my anger part. Quite obviously and is most present almost all of the time. Many faces for that part but you get the idea

Casey: family issues part. Finding comfort in ROTTMNT/how families are portrayed in ROTTMNT.

🩺🫧: mentality, “fascinating”, “oh! my apologies!”, old timey quotes(??), fancy talk part

Tony: Casey & Shuichi mix. Tony is all about how families work and how friendships work. Mainly will be talking about siblings and what I have left of them in my mind

Servant: how I act in school/me just following rules

Smitten & Angel Dust: love, desires, relationships(romantic), sexual & emotional intimacy part of myself. Also sin, since that connects very much to desires (for me). Validation as well

PAPYRUS: only(maybe?) in all caps. Bravery, autism autisming. General excitement!! Very expressive part of me

CC: little me/me feeling little. Mainly just gonna be emojis of plushies or talk of toys. Ig (if something so serious happens and I regress into them)

I separate a lot of my feelings to be their own characters. And then those characters would be then influenced by other characters. And then they just become different parts of me. That's why I use their names and such. — maybe this means, I'm probably a copinglinker !

[ourkingdomofcards]

sometimes i wonder if i might have quiet BPD or something. i'm not saying i really think i do because i haven't done nearly enough research for that, but sometimes it becomes apparent to me that the way i tend to think about relationships and people in general is. Not Normal.

i feel like i have very up and down feelings about people that aren't dependent on who in my system is fronting. i get all bitter and upset that i "lost my friends" bc we don't always talk anymore but then the second they give me attention i'm like YAYYYYYY MY FRIENDS because it means they don't hate me. y'know.

like someone shows one sign they may have been briefly upset with me and i wanna kms because i feel like i'm a horrible person and i must've done something and god i'm just the fucking worst. i'm so terrified of losing the people i love, i feel like i need to try and be perfect so they won't stop loving me back. one thing goes wrong (even if nothing actually happened and i'm just misreading the situation) and it's over. instead of getting angry at them or asking what's going on, my walls go up and suddenly i don't care to talk to them anymore. i never want them to leave me but when i feel like they have i just shut down and go on with my life like i don't care but it eats me alive on the inside.

so i've never been the "clingy" type, but i feel like i kind of am, i just keep those thoughts to myself because i don't want to bother anyone. if they take too long to answer my texts i get pissed off and decide that they probably hate me or i did something to upset them...

i'm not looking for anyone's opinions on me or my experience. i'm just saying that if anyone has any resources about quiet BPD they wanted to link me to so i can do some more research, i would really appreciate it. thank you tumblr you're awesome 🙏🙏

[borderline-culture-is]

Alrighty, thank you. I'm gonna try to keep it short. I have bpd and am aroace. I recently came to the conclusion I'm greyromantic (took me a long time to figure out because I thought it was because of my bpd). And about 4 months ago I split "because of" my now ex-fiance (we're ldr by the way, had dated for over a year), because she said that I didn't care about her sexual assault, while I had basically been there for her literally 24/7 and have comforted her constantly and had many sleepless nights to help her through her trauma and I care a lot. After 2 months she finally felt a bit better and no longer suicidal. Since she said that and since my split, I thought I might as well drop the bomb and came out to her as greyro. We decided to take a break and broke up 2 weeks ago, and since a bit before that I'm no longer capable of feeling romantic love for her no matter how hard I try or force myself. I'm wondering if this could be related to my bpd or if it's me being greyro? Before she hurt me like that and "made" me split, I felt romantic love for her every other day and now it's just nonexistent. I've read about the romantic moodswings people with bpd can experience and I'm wondering if you might know if that's the case or not? The split (actually, what she said) and the fight still affect me a lot, and my ex told me she felt unloved by me for months, because I haven't been able to show her or feel a lot of love since my split. It just felt wrong and forced. And since 2 weeks before we broke up I didn't feel any love for her at all any more, even though I did want to. I did notice my bpd "symptoms" calmed down a LOT since we broke up. But now I'm not sure if this not feeling any romantic love any more is bpd or me being aroace.

I had already purchased a flight ticket to meet up with her in January, I bought it before the split even happened. We do want to talk about things and go over things but because of my greyro a normal relationship definitely isn't gonna happen any more. Before our break we talked about a possible queerplatonicrelationship, but I want to make sure she gets what she needs out of that and that I actually improve my feelings for her. Right now I'm just hurt all the time, every picture of us together triggers me, I don't even want to think about her any more, it sucks.

Thank you for taking your time to try and help me with this, it means a lot

-🐦

Okay

I think that the sudden lack of romantic love feelings isn't a greyromantic thing, I think it's def an emotional response to what happened (so probably BPD)

I think we say this because of the BPD flare-ups and such calming down a lot after breaking up, that sounds like maybe now that you aren't together anymore, the things that were hurting you stopped, therefore making those BPD responses not needed anymore (deemed by the brain).

I say that cause it's a traumagenic disorder, and it'd make sense that your brain would both kinda cease the love and BPD responses once it perceives the hurt and danger to be over per se.

I think you could heal from this. It'd just take a lot of work and cooperation from both parties, me thinks.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, brain is mush rn. If you want us to try n further elaborate when our brain is less mush we can 👍 i hope things work out ok, you got this OP 💪

-🌸+🪶

[sharpth1ng]

Love debaser, love that you’re a psych major. I am also so that’s awesome. I feel like tbh that’s probably why you’re good at characterization as well. I was wondering how you can tell in general if someone is autistic vs bpd? You’ve talked about Billy’s psych before, and I am just wondering if you can talk about it generally too.

Thanks so much! Essay incoming:

So I would say take all of this with a grain of salt, I'm not a clinician- I work with clinicians but this isn't my specialty and personality disorders should really be diagnosed by specialists.

But generally the best evidence we have about the development of BPD is genetic vulnerability (Things like emotional sensitivity and impulsivity can have a strong genetic component) in combination with an invalidating or unsupportive social environment. What counts as a trauma for someone depends heavily on what their level of sensitivity is, and also what resources they have to deal with it, so the idea is that bpd is essentially something that develops when someones emotions and needs are invalidated consistently from a young age.

It becomes hard to trust other people and also your own feelings, and you may learn that you have to do things like lying to get the help an support that you need, or that your emotions are so large and you have so little support for them that the only way to cope is to harm yourself. All this is to say that bpd, trauma, and invalidation are closely tied together.

Now moving on to the connection with autism, because theres a not insignificant number of autistic people who are also diagnosed with bpd. This may be a slightly sweeping statement, but at least for myself, being an autistic child was inherently traumatizing. I was constantly subjected to sensory hell in school, around other kids, and particularly at meal times, and my meltdowns were perceived as intentional tantrums. On top of this I would lose the ability to speak sometimes and this was also taken as an intentional behaviour.

Because there are so many things neurotypical people don't even notice that are traumatic to autistic folk (like fluorescent lights or an unexpected change of plans) we are constantly invalidated, especially when we are young. Basically here I'm just trying to explain why the overlap exists.

No on to differentiating the two, this is a useful diagram:

The real answer here is that we're still really trying to figure out exactly how these two disorders interact and how to differentiate them and in my opinion theres a lot of terrible research in personality disorders, and a lot of unqualified people giving out diagnosis (don't trust your family doctor to diagnose you with a mental disorder, they at most got like a month training and psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors study this stuff for for 6-8 years).

There is also some evidence that autistic people who were assigned female at birth are more likely to be diagnosed with bpd than people who were assigned male at birth who have the same symptoms, so there might be a gender bias in the way that diagnosticians perceive people too.

There are some bigger differences to look at though, so things like sensory symptoms (sensitivities but also stimming), special interests, neurodivergent body language, literal interpretation and introversion are more common for autistics. In contrast, people with only bpd are more likely to have a history of childhood abuse or neglect, heightened sensitivity to perceived social threat (which some autistic folk may be oblivious to), drastic emotional up and down, and personality instability, where they frequently change values, hobbies, opinions, friendships, ect. (while in contrast most autistic people are pretty consistent on those things.)

One of the most important things is to figure out why behaviours are happening- for example, self harm and substance abuse are common for both groups, but for autistics these behaviours are often a way to compensate for sensory overload and anxiety, while for people with bpd they are a way to deal with feelings of emptiness or overwhelming emotion.

Another example would be difficulty in relationships- for autistic people this often comes from an inability to spontaneously produce neurotypical social behaviours, so a lot of us miss cues or copy and paste behaviours to try and blend. In contrast many people with BPD have an unstable sense of self, so their social behaviours can seem "disorganized" from the outside, and they may miss read situations because they constantly looking for threats so they can try and protect themselves.

Personal history is also important- if someone has a deep distrust of people because they were neglected as a child, this may point to bpd, but if they have a distrust of people because the weren't able to read their peers and got severely bullied for special interests in elementary school, then this may point to autism.

And again, some people do have both! But it's honestly really difficult to differentiate them without seeing a diagnostician over a long period of time. Its super important though, effective treatment for an autistic person is different than effective treatment for people with bpd, and for people with both its different as well.

I hope this is somewhat clear! I don't want to simplify any of this because it actually is really complex and I just want to be honest about that.

[stinkrascal]

A couple things I was wondering is how did you figure out you had BPD? I know there's a couple disorders that can often get diagnosed beforehand, so I guess how did you know there was more going on? Secondly, what kind of therapy do you feel was the most helpful, if any? I have issues keeping a therapist because they tuxedo mask away after realizing I already have CBT down (which only kind of helps me). Thank you for being open about BPD! I feel like there's so much unnecessary stigma.

hiiiiii!! sorry i didnt reply yesterday i spent all day writing my silly sims stories 😴 i will talk about my experience under the cut!! ty for being curious about it!! <3

umm tbh i was diagnosed in a really weird way lol. so, like, where i went to high school was a really conservative and religious town, and when i was a freshman in high school i was one of the only trans/lgbt kids that was vocally out at my school. there were more of them, my friend group was basically all lgbt ppl, but i was the only person in my school who would demand staff to call me a different name/use different pronouns. but anyways so my lgbt friend group was being bullied pretty badly so our school hired this counselor training in lgbt issues that would talk to us individually about our experiences as lgbt kids who were bullied and such. it was actually really cool you know! but anyways i was one of the students who had to participate in this and the lady who was talking to me realized that i was, like, a really troubled kid lol. and on top of that i was failing all my classes and i had been struggling in school my entire life (like consistently making report cards with at least 5/7 of the classes being failed type of shit) sooooo they basically had this like idk meeting with my parents? where they were super adamant that they take me to a doctor and put me into therapy bc i was struggling really badly and yeah. after that my parents put me into therapy and got in touch w a doctor and i got some treatment and eventually a bpd diagnosis. but yea it only happened cuz of my school forcing them to take me ha.

the truth is i didn't really suspect anything was wrong with me because the way i grew up, i thought everyone acted like me 🤷‍♂️ i think the only time i started really thinking i might have bpd was when i got my first boyfriend at 16, that's when my codependency and attachment issues really started to manifest, and those have always consistently been the bpd symptoms i struggle the most with. but even back then i didn't really know what bpd was, so it wasn't like i was specifically thinking i was suffering w bpd. more so that i knew something was Off about me but i couldn't really explain what it was

unfortunately i haven't gone to therapy in a long time :( and the last time i went it wasn't for bpd treatment at all. so i really can't say what could help you there in terms of therapy. i did group therapy during my bpd treatment but it didn't really help me much.

you're probably not gonna like this answer lmao but i use weed to medicate my intense mood swings and that helps a lot. also just being able to recognize when i need to cool off and being able to use my words to tell ppl that i need to be alone for a minute to clear my head, that helps too. basically just being mindful of ur changing emotions and giving yourself room to feel those emotions and allow them to pass u, without feeling guilt for this, and without projecting those emotions onto other ppl bc at the end of the day it isn't really anyone else's fault that u feel the way you do.

also just try to give ppl the benefit of the doubt in general, ik my bpd makes me SO sensitive like for example. ik we make jokes about this but you guys im not kidding, my favorite mutual reblogging a post from someone else instead of me hurts my feelings so bad some days i have to just log off and go cry about it. CRY ABOUT IT YOU GUYS! it's really awful and totally not grounded in reality 😭 but like it's there, it's something i experience and deal with, and it isn't anyone's fault that it happens, it's just the cards i was dealt with.

so instead of projecting that feeling onto my beloved mutuals and being like Ohhhhh so you actually hate me! You actually want me to kill myself! You've actually never cared about me ever, person I've had two conversations with in total! yeah instead of working myself up for something so silly... i just try to put myself in other ppls shoes, try to remember that when i do things it is not with malicious intent and most people are also not doing things with malicious intent. bc for me, my bpd tends to dehumanize ppl... they arent people with nuance and depth and complex and at times contradictory lives, theyre my Favorite Person, person who does no wrong, person who could never do any wrong no matter how hard they try, and that's dehumanizing, that's unfair to the person!! so by humanizing the other person, by remembering we are all people with rich inner lives and struggles and most of us just want to do our best even when we slip and fall... it helps calm me down from those spirals where im like, ohhhhh god everyone hates me because they didn't reblog a text post from meeeee!!! lol

[askaborderline]

Hello. I had a friend for about three years who split on me out of nowhere and has ghosted me… I was wondering if you had any advice on how to handle someone splitting on you.

On the opposite note, ive been feeling myself split on one of my fp’s because they have been giving me minimal replies and talking to me less and less. I know it’s probably a lost cause for the friendship but I was wondering if you had advice on splitting on others as well?

And last, related to the other, do you have advice for coping with friend’s becoming distant? It seems like it happens no matter what I do, and I feel like theres no hope for long lasting friendships for me… I feel like im only there to be a hyper fixation or a fad, and then they get bored with me…

I am scared of lashing out when upset and cutting the friendships off altogether. Thankfully ive been using the BPD skills from your blog to control my actions, but its still hard to handle when it’s something that happens repeatedly…

Honestly, it sucks to hear and it sucks even more that it's true, but the truth is that even "normal", neurotypical people lose most of the friends they make. It just takes the right combination of people to stay together for basically their whole lives, one that's pretty rare, and a lot of these things don't last, and that's fine. The problem is that with BPD, it gets really hard to see it as anything other than evidence you're unloveable or whatever, and it's even harder to keep permanent friends bc people are scared away by "freaky disorder", but you will find some if you keep looking.

You're doing good by focusing on BPD skills! I'm sure that is helping a lot.

When someone is splitting on you, I've found it's often good to give them space. This applies to you splitting on people well. Usually some distance from the situation proves really illuminating, and it helps stop either party from saying pretty regrettable things. Also keep in mind that splitting is often temporary, so try to leave room for your friend to come back - they may not, so do not build it up as a certainty, but leave them the opportunity if you want them in your life still. Splitting is not always permanent, especially if the reason is not too huge.

As for your distancing friend, I would honestly just directly ask them about it. It may have nothing to do with you - they may just have less energy than before, they might be busier, they might be buried under work, etc. There could be a large number of reasons, and it's better to just ask instead of trying to mull over the possibilities with their input. I will say that most relationships tend to "calm down" a bit after the initial buzz of meeting - the "honeymoon phase" things applies with friendships too, and just because everything isn't as energetic as before doesn't mean you're a mere hyperfixation or they're going to abandon you. You've just become part of their routine, instead of being an unusual thing, and that's actually good I think :)

I hope everything gets better for you.

[intimate-reaper]

I used to be a part of few servers, on the clear web, no hacking or dark web or even onion, very easy to find blogs from a host called Mastodon. And from there, there were groups for people to talk about their experiences with paraphilic disorders and I mainly used it to spread general check-ins and wholesome memes. Because the Internet sucks and I wanted to have a happy safe space for people like me. Because I was really struggling to accept my thoughts and attractions, that stemmed from abuse, and the conflation that having a paraphilia meant that you were a harmful and abusive person. I never want anyone to go through the exploitation I went through - and I wasn't exploited because someone was attracted to me. I was because someone wanted to abuse their power over someone vulnerable in age and mind and situation. I probably have made a few distasteful, vague posts about wishing I could act without causing harm, or saying that I found certain physical traits attractive, without any threats (intentionally). And I obviously did not share or downplay abusive content, I kept things safe for work. I wanted support. I felt people deserved that, especially if someone who is a minor was also struggling at least seeing an adult paraphile live a happy, normal life with optimism and a support network and goals might help them. I don't have the source but most pedophiles learn they're pedophiles when they're only 14. I don't want children who are only 14 to kill themselves; it should go without saying. But I started to notice a disturbing trend of people who called themselves "pro contacts", which essentially means abusing this support platform to solicit minors for abusive activity. I don't want to go into details because it's triggering and gross, but it's pretty much just explicitly advertising that any minor can message them for sexting and that if you are a minor you are in threat of being harassed by them. I hated these people. Why would they try to take away my safe space, where I could simply have a break from being stigmatized? Where they would rather harm others? Three people who I knew from the websites, repeatedly making off-putting and dangerous rhetoric in pro contact posts... Probably more than 3, and I'm about to look through my blocklist archives... Were exposed - unsurprisingly - for sexual exploitation material. I knew this would happen. And now entire groups, entire servers are being called into question by social media and law enforcement. I'm glad I left. I hated these people. I didn't want them in my community. And the one person I respected so much, too much (parasocial, and unfortunately had to leave due to splitting/bpd), was compared to a Nazi for just... Reporting these people. Trying to keep the community I needed safe. We didn't agree on everything. I still respect that person a lot even if we don't talk. But I miss what that space could have been. I wonder if there's anything that person could have done differently or how their side of things are going. Do they still have a server, a group at all? I don't know. I don't want to ask. Obviously this situation has been stressful to learn about accidentally. I recognize these abusers. They tried to be my friends. I feel gross. It makes me hate myself even more. I feel hopeless wondering if this is how this is always going to go. No wonder people hate me so much.

[fierceawakening]

Like, I have PTSD. I self-diagnosed after reading books like Herman's Trauma and Recovery. Even then, the way I asked for help was "Hi, I'm Fierce, I had this experience happen to me and these things have troubled me since. I know it's not the classic traumatic experience but do you think it's possible I could have PTSD?" I was so clearly right my therapist laughs about my having doubted.

But nowadays, whether it's something I looked up or an algorithm or something else, everything I get recommended on Youtube is "Is it PTSD or CPTSD? And did you know CPTSD is comorbid with a lot of personality disorders?"

If I was relying on social media now and not on hundred page books twenty years ago, I think I very easily could've decided I have CPTSD and BPD, just because the way people talk on socmed really downplays "the regular one" and makes it sound like if you experienced anything more chronic than One Big Event, PTSD is Inadequate to Describe You.

So... yeah. I am not against self-dx, me doing it is probably why I am currently not dead. But I think there's a weirdly anti-intellectual bent to some of the way people talk about it and downplay looking for official confirmation, and I worry that distorts some things.

(Again, not an expert here either, but I often look at Tumblerians saying that we've all got narcissism wrong if we assume someone who has it might be manipulative and wonder, have WE all got it wrong, or are young people self-dxing and minimizing the "lots of people like this are abusive" bit because they're not abusive and don't have another word for what they actually are?)

i'm against accusing random tik tok accounts of faking their mental disorder because it is impossible to authentically express anything on tik tok, much less to authentically express your tourette's syndrome.

[whitecatcrime]

mental health thoughts after the last reblog

you know, i wasn't sure if i should post this here, but i just reblogged a post related to it, so here we go. i still feel vulnerable posting these thoughts, so i still might delete this later. btw this is also kind of long. sorry.

note: i definitely feel like i'm probably over reacting to a lot of this, but do feel free to correct me on anything.

ANYWAY, okay, how do i start talking about this? i'm no fan of the DSM, but i've been doing research on something, and it lead up to doing research on psychotic disorders and disorders with psychotic features. back when i was in my teens, i was diagnosed with MDD "possibly with psychotic features" before i knew much about psychosis. i was told that my narcolepsy was causing the weird brain stuff that could be related to that because, well, it can cause psychotic-like symptoms. but anyway. i should get to the point.

during the time i got that psych exam, and during years surrounding it, i was dealing with catatonia (based on what a therapist said), hallucinations that really stressed me out (mostly episodic), and weird beliefs (the example i like to give is the time where i believed an imposter took over my partner's body because i've talked about it enough tor remember it, even with my shitty memory), and more. i would either have few-hour long episodes that happened when my BPD stuff was acting up or longer ones that were more more random (i think).

anyway, i don't really bring these experiences up to psychs because they usually change the subject or are like "you don't seem like someone who's psychotic." (reminds me of the psychiatrist that looked at "R/O BPD" on my exam results and was like, "you just don't seem like you have BPD. i can tell as soon as patients walk into my office!" and therefore didn't even look for it. (and then another psych, later on, said i fit the criteria, but whatever).

back to the point. it's been really hard to tell if what i'm experiencing is depression or negative symptoms. after upping certain medications, i don't think i've experienced the "depressed mood" symptom for a long time, which makes my psych nurse wonder if i'm even experiencing depression. (though i know that you don't need the "depressed mood" symptom to be in a depressive episode, so idk.) but one thing i've noticed is that the symptoms of depression i do experience are also negative symptoms. plus i experience negative symptoms that aren't criteria for depression. whatever these symptoms are have potentially taken over my life more than most things.

but one big detail is that i stopped experiencing positive symptoms (except for when i'm on weed). i was out of an episode for a few months (longer than usual), and then started an atypical antipsychotic, and now i haven't experienced them in years, whatever the reason is.

it could be the medication, but i don't think that usually makes positive symptoms... go away completely? i've also been researching residual psychotic disorders (or the "residual stage" of schizophrenia for example), which aren't in the DSM-5 (they were in the DSM-4, but i'd figure it's still a phenomenon), and i've only spent like 5-7 hours researching total, but it seems to... fit? but obviously there could be something i'm missing.

i'm not claiming i fit the criteria of anything i've been talking about. it really just makes me wonder how what's going on would be labeled. i hope i'm not too ridiculous for wondering about this.

[brendanthestrange]

What's Happened Whilst I've Been Gone

CW/TW; Unaliving mention, hospital / medical talk, mental health episode/s, medication, stalking, harassment.

So, it's been a hot minute since I posted and that's because I've just been trying to process and think of how to word what happened whilst I haven't been posting. My last post was very vague but it's because I wanted to take a break from social media and... well, hide. I was only active on discord, talking to my friends and the people I trust. But before we get into that I should probably talk about things in order.

In a previous post, I mentioned having a week long BPD / EUPD episode and needing to stay with friends. I got worse. It got so much worse. February was a very tough month, as everything that could happen to ruin me, did. I ended up having to stay with my friend (R) and her family for nearly two weeks.

During those two weeks, I was feeling very sui//cidal and whilst R and her family know I fear death too much to do something, they were concerned that this time was different and that I would do something. R's mum was a professional chef and has top-of-the-line kitchen knives, they were hidden from me, as was any bleach or toxic chemical. Eventually, things got too much and I tried to have myself sectioned.

Sectioning is where you are in a mental hospital for constant monitoring and support. I had been told by a friend that you can actually section yourself, you don't need someone to take you. However, when I arrived at the hospital, they refused to take me because of where I live - my area was out of their field (which in my opinion is ridiculous). They were also incredibly disrespectful - I sat there in tears, telling them how much I wanted to die and they found things to laugh about (not about me, but still) and so I left.

Sitting in R's mum's car, I told her "It seems I have to be ready to do something to get help."

Truth be told, R and her family are one of the things that keep me going everyday. She's my childhood best friend and now is my best friend in my adulthood. I'm very grateful to have them in my life and I cannot thank them enough for the support they give me during my times of need.

Eventually, I was seen by my local crisis team who I also cannot thank enough - without them, I dread to think where I'd be right now. They offered me therapy, psychology sessions and started me up on a new medication called Olanzapine. Thing is with Borderline Personality Disorder, it can't be medicated - it's a condition that is benefited by therapy, but not CBT therapy that most places will offer. BPD is helped by a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, "‘Dialectical’ means trying to understand how two things that seem opposite could both be true. For example, accepting yourself and changing your behaviour might feel contradictory. But DBT teaches that it's possible for you to achieve both these goals together." (cited from the link embedded).

However, Olanzapine has proven to be a wonderful help to my BPD - my episodes are less intense and last for a short span of time, my sleep is getting better in being at a regular, earlier time - all that fun stuff. Unfortunately, I do still suffer with realistic, intense dreams and nightmares.

Moving on. During this period of time, I was somewhat dating someone who we'll call E. E and I had a difficult relationship as we were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend status, just "seeing each other" as we Brits put things. This was because E was in the process of divorce and their ex would stop them from seeing their kids if they found out E was starting to see someone. At first, I understood and wanted them to prioritise their kids but soon then realised that things were never going to seem to move healthily - I was always going to be a secret. I called things off with E, explaining I wanted their kids to be number one, I felt like they were still in love with their ex but I still wanted to be friends as we got along well and had similar interests after some time to myself to deal with current personal affairs.

E understood and accepted what I said... or so I thought. Whilst talking with R's mum about everything, E called me. Usually E only calls me if something's happened.

"Would you come and meet me if I was nearby?"

E had turned up at my best friends house. E knew where R lived as they had walked me there on one occasion but luckily, they had forgotten which one was R's house. Taking R's mum with me, I met them at the end of the street - I told them that this was creepy and that I wasn't comfortable with them just turning up to my SAFE SPACE UNANNOUNCED, they then said that they had lost custody of the two younger children. Why? Because they told the ex about me AFTER I CALLED IT OFF.

I told them that it was a bit silly to do that, especially now that I had called it off with them. I told them I wasn't interested in pursuing anything with them and that because they had turned up unannounced, I was extremely uncomfortable. After parting ways, I had received tumblr messages, emails and tiktok DMs from them begging for me back because they realised too late that they actually loved me and wanted something.

I called the police. I had asked for space and that was disregarded, I then asked for cut contact and that was disregarded as well. All of this was stalking and harassment. The messages on the socials were incredibly concerning, especially "Love makes you do stupid things like break boundaries."

[shudders]

But yeah, I might have missed a few things but this is the main of what happened whilst I was gone. I've also moved house and now have a new laptop so hopefully I can keep things updated a bit more frequently now. Thanks for taking the time to read this <3