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topazadine · 9 months ago

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A Primer on Dyscalculia: The Learning Disorder You Weren't Told About in School

I rarely see people discussing this learning disability, to the point that many believe it doesn't exist (ie, saying math is the universal language and everyone understands it but just doesn't try) so I thought I'd explain a bit about what it is.

Dyscalculia is a learning disability characterized by difficulty with math, numbers, and some systematic learning that requires the use of memorization and application. Like its relative, dyslexia, it is not that someone is "stupid" or "not trying hard enough" to learn math; our brains are essentially wired not to absorb information in this form.

Common symptoms of dyscalculia include:

Inability to do basic math problems

Struggling to count, often using their fingers to count

Difficulty using multiplication and division

Challenges with visualizing heights, lengths, and widths

Difficulty counting change

Struggling to read a clock or divide time into reasonable measurements

Challenges with memorizing numbers, dates, and sequences

No one is actually sure how many people have dyscalculia because it is rarely diagnosed. Right now, estimates are around 3% to 7% of the population, but this is likely a vast underrepresentation.

Educators still believe the myth that everyone can do math and that those who say they can't are just refusing to apply themselves. This causes lifelong problems for dyscalculiacs because if not treated early enough, it is nigh-on untreatable.

Many people with dyscalculia may complete math problems in unusual and time consuming ways. For example, if you asked me to divide 145 by 5 without a calculator, this is how my brain would have to do it:

100 by 5 (20)

20 by 5 (4), then multiply this by 2 (8), then divide 5 by 5 (1)

And finally, add up all the results (20+8+1) to get 29.

Numbers that are not easily divisible or "chunked" like this would be nigh-on impossible for me to do in my head. I wasn't able to memorize the times tables and in fact needed a laminated times table well into elementary school (think 5th grade).

I distinctly remember feeling like everyone else was on the helm of the USS Enterprise when they could so easily shout out answers to simple multiplication or division problems, and I was always the last person to do those stupid times table sheets. Sometimes I couldn't even complete half of it by the time everyone else was done.

I failed 3rd grade math class and had to be assigned a tutor. This was despite getting all As in every single other class. In fact, I failed multiple math classes during my academic career.

Since my grades were so high in other classes, I had to petition to be put in a remedial math class. Everyone assumed that because I did well in things like English, science, civics, and so on, I must have been able to do what my peers could.

A college-level physics class was the hardest class I have ever done in my life, and I have a Master's degree in International Relations, which requires a lot of very dry and complicated political theory. That is the A I am most proud of because it required far more effort than anything before or since.

No one told me what dyscalculia was or identified a problem throughout my entire time in education. I had to seek out resources myself in adulthood before finally learning what my problem was. This, of course, led to significant "math fear" and self-esteem issues, especially in a society that is obsessed with STEM.

This learning disability can have far-reaching effects and impact things that other people may not even consider. There are many connections between systematized learning and math.

Dyscalculiacs may also have trouble with:

Learning languages

Playing musical instruments (because sheet music and tempos are a form of language + math, though it is possible to learn by ear)

Reading maps, including general world geography

Estimating distances

Navigating a new place because they can't make "mental maps"

Dancing (due to the sequencing)

Reading diagrams

Remembering step-by-step instructions without a cheat sheet

Completing complex tasks that have a lot of steps

Starting a project that necessitates doing things in a certain order, such as building something

Cooking or baking (because it requires measuring and matching measurements to specific ingredients)

Repeating sequences, like a phone number

Remembering numbered streets or highways (like I-480, 5th street, or etc)

Playing games that require counting or keeping score, like Yahtzee, card games, and so on

Completing spreadsheets with numbers

Of course, not every dyscalculiac will struggle with all of these things because there are different degrees of severity. Many also learn tactics to compensate. For example, I never learned sheet music but did well in choir because I memorized all the songs entirely by ear.

I have developed visualizations of common routes I travel and can navigate to them by remembering the landmarks I pass. If you tried to ask me specific step-by-step directions of anywhere, I couldn't tell you, but I can tell you that you'll pass a KFC on your right if you're going east (parallel to Lake Erie), and then you will turn left at the big shopping center.

There are plenty of adaptations that everyday people use which are lifelines to dyscalculiacs in ways that other people may never recognize. Formulas on spreadsheets, conversion websites, built-in calculators, and turn-by-turn navigation apps are all examples of accommodations that appeal to everyone but are especially important to dyscalculiacs.

So, the next time you scoff and say "everyone can do math, they're just being lazy" or "cooking is easy" or "anyone can learn a second language if they want to" or "using a calculator is cheating" and so on:

Recognize that you are ignoring a very real learning disability. These statements are ableist.

Such rhetoric is equally damaging as anti-dyslexic statements like "everyone can learn to read," "open dyslexic fonts are ugly," "audiobooks are cheating," "video lessons are lazy" and things of that ilk.

Ableism takes many forms, many of which people refuse to recognize. Difficulty with math is a widespread problem, and it often has nothing to do with trying hard enough or refusing to learn. I remember breaking down in tears trying to do my times table; I would spend hours trying to understand them.

These issues are NOT a lack of willpower or application. They have to do with real neurological deficits. Please be kind to those who can't do math, and stop assuming we're lazy.

#learning disability #learning disorder #neurodivergency #neurodiversity #neurodivergent #dyscalculia #actually dyscalculic #disability #disability rights #invisible disability #disability justice #accessibility #disability awareness #disability advocacy #actually disabled #disabilities

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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Am I the asshole for watching a movie as a family without including my dad? Writing it out, I think I know the answer, but this has still been bugging me.

Around Thanksgiving I (30s) visited home. It was also a trip to see for my mom (late 60s) for her birthday, so I was there for a few days longer than a Thanksgiving trip would normally account for. My brother (30s) and his wife (30s) visited for her birthday too. My dad (early 70s) was there as well. They've been married over 30 years. Originally I'd planned to take everybody out to see a movie as a birthday present for my mom...but it turned out there was literally nothing at the theater that my mom was interested in at all. The town is pretty small, and the options were limited. So instead, we started out with a nice dinner, and family board game run-through of a trivia game we all thought we'd have some fun with. My mom ended up winning, which is rare and was not deliberate, and it wrapped the game up way faster than we'd anticipated.

My dad immediately went back into the living room after the game ended, openly a little annoyed that mom had won a trivia game based on something he considers himself the family expert in. He watches old reruns of the show he's seen a million times on a loop every day, and it can be pulling teeth to get him to do anything else. It was just a fluke, but something the rest of us considered a pleasant surprise since none of us had expected she'd win. But he was annoyed. Given that it was still early, Mom suggested we find a movie to watch online, so we could all wind down before bed with something the whole family could enjoy.

Dad said no. Now this feels like important context: I...have a lot of problems with my dad. I love him, but he can be extremely emotionally immature. Downright verbally abusive at times. And very petty. I'm in therapy in no small part due to some of the insecurities he instilled in me over the years. I've worked hard to set basic boundaries with him. He also has multiple medical issues, and I'm pretty sure he has untreated depression and other mental health problems he refuses to acknowledge that contribute to him flying off the handle at a moment's notice. That, combined with the fact that my mom will 100% never, ever leave him, because she was raised in a very specific mindset that she's never been fully able to shake...means my brother and I usually have to grit our teeth when he starts ranting/yelling/complaining during a visit, or we'd just end up ruining the day for our mom. She's done so much for us, and we just wanted her to have a good visit. So, that's what I did for most of the trip. I breathed deep when my dad openly mocked my stutter, and refused to get in a fight about it. I stopped myself from getting visibly upset when he tried to feed my cat table scraps even when I told him the cat needs a special diet. On other days I tried to watch his old shows with him, and ignored the sexist comments he'd make about the female leads, all for the sake of keeping the peace.

But, it was Mom's birthday. And she wanted to watch a movie.

And Dad said no.

He refused to give up his marathon of old westerns from 60 years ago to watch a new movie with his family on the big tv in the living room.

My mom seemed disappointed, so I suggested we watch one on my laptop in the kitchen instead. Without my dad, if he really wanted to watch his show instead. She agreed, and my brother, his wife, my mom and I filed into the kitchen, sat in less-than-comfy chairs, and watched a fantasy heist film that I'd thought they would all enjoy. And they did. My brother was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the movie (I'd already vouched for it being good, none of the others had seen it previously) His wife kept making notes for her dnd campaign. My mom found it hilarious, and liked that some actors from another show she liked were in it.

My dad stayed in the living room, watching his marathon.

Partway through the movie, he came in and asked us what we were watching. We told him, and he passed through the kitchen for something he needed, then said that we were being too loud. More context: the kitchen is right next to the living room, but my dad turns the tv up so loud in there it can get physically painful to be in the room with him. He refuses to get hearing aides, and only recently relented on subtitles. He also has a habit of screaming at anyone who tries to talk for a long time when his shows are on and they're in earshot, even if they're in a different room. We thought he couldn't hear it over his tv, and so when he said something we said sorry and that we'd try to keep it down, but we could already barely hear it through the laptop speakers. We already had subtitles turned on to make sure we didn't miss anything. When we told him that, he got even more annoyed. He asked how we'd like it if he turned the tv up so loud we couldn't understand anything, then proceeded to go into the living room and do just that, just as I was trying to figure out how much more we could lower the volume without losing our whole experience. We called in that we were already turning it down, and he finally turned his volume back down as well. We finished our movie, turning the volume down during action scenes and up during speaking scenes so we could actually hear the dialog. We enjoyed the rest of the film, and then people started getting ready for bed, and my mom went to check on my dad. She told me a few minutes later that he was hurt that we'd watched the movie without him. That he felt left out. I told her that he'd had multiple opportunities to join us, and that is was his choice not to watch with us. And honestly, the fact that he wouldn't give up the real tv for a couple hours so she could have a birthday movie was really upsetting to me.

She still seemed to feel bad that he was left out, and I'm a little worried that he might've sulked for days afterwards, leaving my mom in an even more stressful environment after I left. Am I the asshole for insisting my mom get to watch a movie on her birthday? And would I be the asshole if I told my dad off for what I consider to be extremely selfish behavior?

Also before anyone asks, no, I'm not cutting him off. It's literally impossible to do that without pretty much cutting off my mom as well, and she absolutely doesn't deserve that. And yes, I've offered up my apartment as a place she can stay if she ever needs to. Repeatedly. She hasn't taken me up on it yet.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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wirewitchviolet · 1 year ago

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I am so sick of poverty.

I am doubled over right now in my broken chair layering my clothes up because it's 20 degrees out and I can't afford heat. I haven't eaten anything tonight because I can't afford food. Things could be worse. I still have electricity. I still have a roof over my head, for now, in a bad neighborhood where I'm too terrified to ever set foot outside and I'm constantly having to deal with screaming, car alarms, and sirens. I have no real way of paying my rent, and haven't in some time. I just keep begging and getting one-off help from people and eventually that luck is going to run out. I genuinely did not expect to still be alive this month, I don't know if I'm going to be a month from now, and I genuinely cannot picture anything that can change my situation.

I'm just sitting here right now thinking to myself, "why is my life like this?" and I really hate how the answer really just is that I'm trans.

If you don't know what that means, and statistically you don't, that means I was born with a really quite boring fluke medical thing where my endocrine system makes certain chemicals in the wrong ratio which, if untreated, completely messes me up with really gross and disgusting physical symptoms and causing all sorts of awful brain issues that make it basically impossible to live... BUT, there's really cheap readily available supplements to get those where they should be and then you're fine. So in a halfway reasonable world, this would just be like how some people need glasses or a hearing aid or any other sort of medication people might need to take for something.

But, we don't. We live in this super messed up world where because being trans is such a rare and uninteresting thing, a tiny handful of weirdos, for reasons beyond my comprehension, have this all-consuming obsession with doing everything in their power to harm trans people, and have spent literally their entire lifetimes spreading utterly bonkers propaganda, lobbying lawmakers, getting onto medical boards, and just acting as traditional good old fashioned stalkers, with the net result being this swirling miasma of false information, stigmatization, mistrust, and of course, depriving people of necessary medical treatment.

One of the nastier specific effects there is that you can't just get the aforementioned medications you need to live a normal boring life as a trans person. There is this whole wild and wacky hazing ritual built into international medical standards where you're literally required to humiliate yourself in public for a good year and make damn sure everyone around you knows you're trans, and can properly make your life hell for it.

So back to my little story here. I'm trans, I decided I would in fact like to have some sort of bearable life with a functioning brain and a minimum of weird gross physical problems, and had to announce this to the world. IMMEDIATELY, I have stalkers out the wazoo. I'm getting death threats. Family isn't speaking to me. Friends aren't speaking to me. People I've worked with/for my whole life cut all ties with me. I just had to sort of start life over from nothing well into adulthood.

And you know, I managed that. I've worked as a journalist and a game designer my whole life, those skills aren't the worst for working on your own, things were starting to get off the ground. This despite/because the whole thing with neo-nazis coming out of the woodwork and attacking trans people both with life-ruining tactics and, you know, guns. But, you know, as fate would have it, some people who don't do proper research put too much stock in some cover stories suggesting that they're actually targeting journalists, and when it shakes out to the contrary, decide to absolutely crush the trans people whose lives are actually in danger and are reporting on this... while at the same time the worst TERF in America is literally getting trans journalists blacklisted, stalking people, teaming up with neo-nazis, all that good stuff.

Anyway, as it happens, basically all the people I've met in rebuilding my life care enough about staying on the good sides of some of the above people, and are all too happy to completely throw me under the bus, not only cutting all ties with me but also starting some horrible rumors and leaking my closely guarded personal details to some particularly frightening people, forcing me to flee my home with just what I can carry out in a day... multiple times. And of course, again, I've lost more or less all of my friends, my ability to find work, and I have the setbacks of sudden homelessness and someone skipping out on a joint charity project with all the donations people had made, burning down all the vital operating resources to boot.

And this of course is all before the whole bit where the site formally known as Twitter spontaneously kicked me off with no chance to exchange alternate contact info with anyone, because wouldn't you know it, the new owner has an irrational hatred of trans people and has neo-nazi stalkers of mine kissing up to him in a way he's weirdly protective of.

But wait, there's more! All these fascist stalkers monitor me at all times to make sure I can't get any work of any kind, and I'm forced to live purely off direct patreon donations and government programs. But that gets into some other fun problems. Stalking comes with identity theft, evading would-be murderers involves changes of legal name and address. These confuse a lot of government databases, so I lack a valid social security card in there somewhere. Also causes problems with paypal. And with medcab programs. And then there's good old fashioned medical discrimination. I haven't seen a dentist in years because the last couple I've been referred to outright discriminate against trans patients. I need some surgery performed, and my health plan keeps telling me I can only see surgeons who have almost no experience if I'm lucky, and a history of horribly botched procedures otherwise.

Oh, and the reason I have no food? I WAS on an assistance program, but in the yearly audit, someone noticed that my rent significantly exceeds my income. You would hope seeing that they'd realize I'm REALLY in trouble and if anything give me more money, but hey, one of those weird bits of propaganda about trans people is that we're all sex workers, so the people handling this case leaned into that bias and are insisting I must be withholding income information with some vague insinuations on what they're speculating, and denying me access to food, BECAUSE I'm losing access to shelter.

So yeah, if people could just be normal about trans people, I'd have no stalkers, still be able to work, see doctors when I need to, and if I had shortfalls still, at least be able to eat. As is... yeah I might just die in the next big cold snap while I try to beg money off people to cover my rent and buy a few cans of soup.

Sorry to be a downer. Patreon link if you want to try to help.

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tehshelaroxx · 19 days ago

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I decided I'd do some spring cleaning and did a little work in my closet yesterday and sadly, this fell into my vicinity out of nowhere and the frame it was in broke as it crashed to the ground. I'd put it away because it's been hard to look at for obvious reasons...

I nearly burst into tears watching the frame break in half and the bittersweet memento falling to my closet floor. I tried to make myself take it as a sign to part with the past and throw away the things she made me and gifted me...but I just can't. It's hard because I can't stand to look at it knowing what I know now but it also remains such a tender spot in my heart.

I may not have meant anything to her in the end, but she sure had me convinced I meant something at one point. I guess people are good actors like that and I'm sure I wore rose tinted glasses a lot throughout the course of our second run given I was so mentally ill and untreated, but she could have fooled me. I always loved everything she made me and it always made me feel so connected to her to have something she put time and energy and thought into, and as much as I guess I should toss it and other things out, I just can't. She was my whole life for more than 25 years and I loved her since we were kids.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever been through and I've been through A LOT in this lifetime and have so much trauma I'm having to work through in therapy to prove it. It feels like how I imagine it feels to miss sight for those who are born with it and then tragically lose it altogether. It feels like an extension of myself has been cut off of me with her exit. She took what love I gave her and is giving it to some dude she met online now. She's about to give him the life I always dreamed we would have together. My friends say I dodged a bullet but I just don't feel like it. I feel like I've had the breath knocked out of me.

I feel like I've lost it all and have to build my life from the ground up.

I'll never understand how people can live with themselves. Pretend to love and care about you so fiercely one minute to hating you the next and blocking you across the board in hopes you won't catch them in their dishonesty and disloyalty. The thing is, I caught all that long ago...it's just the accepting it that's hard to swallow.

I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about her and dreaming about her. I wonder if I'll ever stop subconsciously waiting for that text, that phone call to come through that most likely never will. I wonder if all my love was for nothing and if I'm trapped loving someone who will never love me as much as I did (and still do) her, even when she did me wrong.

I have never been perfect. I will never claim to be perfect. I wholeheartedly see and embrace the fact that I too were the problem at times. I also am genuinely remorseful for the person I've worked hard to grow out of being. I used to be so miserable that I inadvertently made everyone else miserable. Personal growth has been such a blessing and I'm so proud of how far I've came. I just wish I could have been the person I am now sooner. I wish I could have saved the life I wanted to spend with her but will never have now. I fumbled that.

But I'm also so very grateful I'm comfortable with openly owning who I am as part of the LGBTQIA+ community in a rural area that doesn't always appreciate our presence. I didn't have to run to hurriedly make a life with a man I don't really even know to keep up "appearances" to outwardly prove that I wasn't some form of sapphic so my family and community would accept me and help me out. I didn't feel the need to go make a life that I don't want with someone just to prove a point and fill a void quickly so I wouldn't have to process loss. Instead, I asked for help from my doctors and my friends and loved ones to get back on my feet and came to embrace who I am because fuck what other people think. Chances are if someone doesn't like you, they're not gonna like you whether you're straight, gay, aromantic, or whatever...that's not even gonna be a factor. Plus we're 30+ years old! It's more than okay to live the life we want to live and love who we want to love no matter what anyone else thinks or says! I refuse to keep up appearances and tend to other people's expectations of me to the point it makes me miserable and it's the best thing I've ever did for myself.

I guess I can hope that one day she'll be forced to reflect on her life and the choices she's made and the opportunities she missed to wholly embrace who she really is deep down, fuck what anyone else says. If there's a God of some sort or we'll say deities, I know they'd love us just the same for who we are no matter what garbage we were forcefed as children to kickstart Christian guilt. And I guess between ourselves and whatever we believe in (or don't) that's all that really matters, right?

Lastly, I chose to keep this sentimental item and put it some plastic and stored it away for safekeeping for now. Because still yet, my heart goes on.

If you're still here, thanks for reading. I'm going to go have a drink now. Love and hugs and best wishes to you and yours. Always.

#personal #dont read im stupid #dont reblog #yammering again #tw depressing thoughts #cw depressive thoughts #keep holding on #note this is not the whole story im vague for reasons and also itd take an entire day to give you 25+ of lore lol #25+ years worth of lore lol**

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passthepittcola · 3 months ago

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okay so fictionkinfessions is doing this ask game right now called death counts and it's meant as how many people have died because of you, but i'm not fully. awake because i woke up in the middle of the night and read it as "how many times have you/yourself died".

and i find that more interesting and also less anxiety inducing to talk about so. yap time boy. under a cut because it's Long and also i assume not everyone wants to read about my obituaries lmao.

from least to greatest, just for the funsies, mostly. :)

crowley (gomens): never / nigh impossible

i was an angel and then i was a fallen one, a demon! in the christianity sense, that is. the only ways to truly kill me were by holy water or by getting smited by, like, god or jesus. i don't think any of the angels had the power to properly smite demons (other than Maybe metatron?) because otherwise i think ud demons would have been. smote? or maybe it was smitten, idr. anyway yeah we would've been zapped more often if that was the case.

raph (tmnt 1990s + 2018), aizawa (mha) and daryl (twd): never!

as far as i can remember, i never died in any of these canons. i assume i Did in the future/at some point, but i can't remember that far forward 🤷‍♂️.

stan pines: technically, just once, but it wasn't a true death.

you all remember the memory gun we-have-to-in-order-to-save-the-town thing, i assume. well. yeah. that was. blank. best way to describe it. stan pines was dead, for all intents and purposes, until i suddenly wasn't. i mean, sure, i was hospitalized a few times during my drifter days, but any "dead for a minute" things i had from surgery or whatever don't reeeally count, so. shrugs.

andy (cargo 2017): just once.

i got bit and turned into a zombie over the course of both my memories and in canon source! it was terrifying and not fun in the slightest, but that terror was overshadowed by the fear of not wanting to hurt my child, rosie, and thoomi. it was a peaceful death, though. i can thank thoomi for that. she really was a sweetheart, and she saved my rosie. i can't ever thank her or her people enough for letting my baby live.

alastor (hazbin hotel): twice!

i died as a human (terrifying! do not recommend). after that, i spawned as a demon in hell. as a new demon, i didn't immediately have great power kr anything, i had to build up to that. demons could be killed and would respawn infinitely unless killed by angelic blade/holy light, and i was killed once as a demon before vowing to become powerful and never let that happen again. i don't remember now how it happened! it became insignificant.

d.i hardy (broadchurch): about 1-10 times

i had pretty severe heart problems that were almost completely untreated (because i was a stubborn fuck and also thought i deserved it) for quite a few years. but the last year before i started actually going to get help was the worst, and i was hospitalized multiple times and had. more than one heart attack, to say the least. i also almost drowned and died from like, pneumonia once, which was what spawned those awful fucking heart problems. yikes!

doctor leonard mccoy: around.. maybe 10-20 times.

it was never a normal death, i never bled out or had an organ failure or something human. it was always like, my atoms disintegrating or some fucked alien disease that did me in for a hot minute. thankfully whenever it DID happen, the others were able to get me back quickly, and while there was a loooot of pain, i don't remember most of the actual dying parts thankfully!

klaus hargreeves (tua TV): hundreds of times? rough estimate being 300-400

for the most part, about 3/4ths of my deaths were from substance abuse, so i didn't feel or remember most deaths. didn't even realize i could die and get back up until much later! i also did stupid shit like jumping off buildings and willingly getting run over by cars- this also killed me but, again, i didn't realize and thought i was just lucky. i also died a lot from bullets during the vietnam war. i don't recommend that either!

logan (wolverine): hundreds of times. as a rough estimate.. 500-800?

obviously, i lived a lot longer than i did as soldier. about 200+ fucking years. but i could still feel pain, and it was not fucking fun. so i did my best to avoid it, but it still happened. most notable being the time my heart stopped briefly when i got that metal (adamantium) injected into me. god, that was SO fucking painful, i don't recognize. don't agree to get metal to cover your entire skeleton, kids.

RED soldier (tf2): thousands(?) of times!

goud lordt. all i gotta say. i died a LOOOOT. thank you dell conagher distant relative for creating the best possible way to stim EVER. in match, i realistically died 5 to over 30 times. and for some weird reason i REALLY liked it. i thought it was fun! so much so, that even out od match i was doing dumb shit like seeing how much paint thinner i could drink and finding out what it felt like to blow up from fireworks (that and other explosive deaths were my favorite lol). also, i was autistic and had a VERY low pain register (and with that came low senses in general), so that only made me more willing to seek out aggressive pain as stims! i also probably briefly died to grey manns bloodsucking robots and was revived by medic like everyone else was, AND was killed and revived during a lot of medic's experiments. he liked to use heavy so he could have someone to talk to while doing surgery or whatever he did; but medic used me for more gorey/bloody stuff (especially if it was testing for something) because again, i had a low pain register and also wasn't bothered by gore very much, meanwhile heavy Was bothered by gore and that's why he started talking to medic during surgeries lol.

#probably more than a little morbid but really fun also ^_^#ptpc post #kin memories

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knowyourbmovieactors · 2 years ago

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OCTOBER HORROR MOVIES 2023 #17 THE NIGHT HOUSE

Out of the blue, Beth's husband kills himself with a gun she didn't even know he owned. She never suspected anything was wrong with him, but as she sifts through the things he left behind in the house that he built for them, she finds a lot of things she didn't know about him. This includes a lot of photos of strange women who all look a little bit like her. And then, an unseen presence begins making itself known in the house.

This movie has a lot in the plus column. First and foremost, Rebecca Hall is fantastic in the lead role, running through all the maddening, conflicting emotions experienced by someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. She's just really great in it, and I could recommend it for that alone. The other thing that I really enjoyed is the way that they made that malevolent presence come to life without actually showing it. At first, its silhouette is suggested by framing pieces of furniture and architectural details in the house so that they form the rough outline of a person. It's a really clever way of recreating that feeling that you saw someone out of the corner of your eye. As the movie goes on, though, the entity begins to actively bend the lines of the house around itself, forcing otherwise normal doorways, stairs and trim to give a very specific outline to its emptiness. It's a really neat visual trick, and I applaud the effects crew for their creativity.

But, as good as the filmmaking craft on display here is, there are two things that I couldn't shake from my brain. The first one isn't a spoiler, so I'll get right to it with no warning: her dead husband was an architect. Why should that bother me? Well, have you noticed how goddamn many guys in movies are architects? How about Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle? Did architecture play a major role in the plot? Nope. I bet you didn't even remember that was his character's job in that film. How about Keanu Reeves in The Lake House? Or Woody Harrelson in Indecent Proposal? Liam Neeson in Love Actually? Wesley Snipes in Jungle Fever? Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Baby? Matthew Broderick in The Cable Guy? Even Charles Bronson's character in the Death Wish series started out as an architect. I could keep going with this list for a long time (Matt Dillon has played an architect in at least two different movies), but suffice it to say, at some point, screenwriters settled on "architect" as a shorthand to say "stable upper middle class man who doesn't normally shoot or punch things". Almost never does this occupation actually play a role in the film, and I think by now there are more fictional architects in movies than there are actual architects in the real world. Now that I have noticed it, it can't not see it. The Night House makes sort of a big deal out of the fact that Beth's husband designed their lake house, but that fact actually doesn't matter all that much in the end. He could have been a web designer, a pipe fitter, or a chiropodist, and the movie would have been the same. I understand that this annoyance is my own cross to bear, but now that I have shown it to you, will you continue not noticing it?

So, here's the real meat-and-potatoes problem with this movie (and it's a major spoiler, so turn your heads if you're squeamish): her husband had been secretly murdering women because of a malignant spirit that the wife carried back with her after surviving a near death experience as a teenager. When you start to unpack that as a metaphor, it sure looks an awful lot like the movie is saying that untreated trauma from your past can infect the people you love and destroy them. This is the same problem I had with the movie Smile. It suggests that you can never recover from past trauma, and that if you have it, you should just crawl into a hole and die, because you're only going to hurt more people. It seems like The Night House means well (as opposed to Smile, which just felt edge-lordy and cruel), but I have to restate again that this is not a template for how trauma works. Screenwriters, my dudes, listen: when you find yourself wanting to create some metaphor for untreated trauma, maybe run it past a real therapist first. Also, while you're at it, maybe run it past a real architect, too.

Sorry for all that ranting. The Night House is actually a pretty good movie, at least if you can avoid thinking about those two things. Obviously, I can't.

#horror movies #movie review #the night house #architects #rebecca hall

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thebibliosphere · 2 years ago

Note

I know you aren’t a doctor, but is there anything else that, to your knowledge, tends to get diagnosed by alt-doctors as CIRS?

So this is probably going to piss some people off, but I genuinely believe that CIRS (which as I've talked about before as being... questionable as a diagnosis) is more likely to be a mast cell disorder.

The science and reasoning around CIRS and the obsession with "toxins" and mold is just too vague, and I say that as someone who was at one point diagnosed as CIRS and went through the whole process only to be met with HEAVY resistance from my alt doctors when I wanted to know WHY something was "toxic" and why I wasn't improving despite doing what they recommended.

They couldn't explain it. Thing Just Bad. And if I wasn't improving, it was my fault for not removing enough "toxins" from my environment.

Well, turns out some of those things weren't universally "toxic," I just have an immune disorder (MCAS) that makes them toxic to me, where my body thinks harmless things are a threat-- including my own hormonal cycle!

There was mold killing me, though, that was indeed making my mast cells unstable and sending me into anaphylaxis on a regular basis and causing all kinds of neurological problems. Mast cell stabilizers and removing the mold from my home did more good for me than any of the CIRS treatments.

(Important note: not everyone with MCAS experiences anaphylaxis as a symptom, and it is not a requisite of diagnosis.)

MCAS is not the only form of mast cell dysfunction either. There's also mastocytosis and Hereditary Alpha tryptasemia. You can read more about them at The Mast Cell Disease Society. (There are also different types of MCAS for anyone interested.)

Other things I've seen alt-doctors misdiagnose as CIRS over the years include:

Dysautonimia (high rates of comorbidity with MCAS)

Fibromyalgia (some recent research suggests that mast cells play a role in the onset of fibromyalgia)

ME/CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome)

ADHD

Autism

Celiac Disease

Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Disorder (which I also think is mast cell related, tbh.)

Pernicious Anemia (the other thing that was killing, because my untreated MCAS was stopping me from absorbing nutrients from my food)

Chronic migraines.

SIBO (which can lead to secondary MCAS)

Various different mood disorders

Interstitial Cystitis (also a common symptom of various mast cell disorders)

And I'm sure a couple more I'm just forgetting right now.

Basically, there are a lot of things CIRS could actually turn out to be. But my money is on some form of mast cell fuckery.

#chronic health tag #mcas

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idiacide · 3 years ago

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could you elaborate on further on floyd's part? I'm pretty sure everyone in twst has issues but I always thought that Floyd was more on the stable side in comparison to the rest, so it made me curious about what his possible issues are (i have a vague idea for jade's something something about control and the need to be in it.) But like only if your comfortable! Btw can I be curious anon? Thanks!

See now you’ve gone and done it, you’ve enabled me to talk at length about my boy. You probably were NOT asking for a 5k word analysis of Floyd (including a line reading of his vignettes). But apparently that’s what my brain decides to churn out. So without further ado

Shark Dissection: A Floyd Leech Analysis Essay

Some brief disclaimers: I actually do agree with you that overall Floyd is one of the more stable boys here. I don’t think he’s walking around with some great well of untreated sadness and neglect. Like many people, he’s simply got some issues rattling around his brain that have gone kind of unaddressed and unprioritized, and the longer they go without comment the more likely they are to cause problems that seem inexplicable. Additionally, there’s admittedly some level of self-projection occurring here. In terms of behavior, I’m not much like Floyd. But the way his brain works makes sense to me, feels familiar. In a way, he takes a lot of the impulses and feelings I have and acts on them in a way I wouldn’t have the nerve to irl. This also means that I see a lot of myself in the way that he handles his own internal state.

I have ADHD. Floyd, while not canonically diagnosed, has a lot of behavioral overlap with typical ADHD diagnostic criteria. Part of that package is emotional dysregulation. The ADHD brain isn’t particularly good at regulating anything, and that includes feelings. My entire life I’ve had this thing where if you ever asked me how I was feeling, I honestly couldn’t tell you. I might even get irritated with you for asking. How am I supposed to know what I’m feeling, or why? I just know I’m going through it, and its not gonna stop until I can either distract myself or someone comes along to lift it. I have to figure out what I’m experiencing after the fact, rather than just basically be able to understand the cause and effect of my own brain chemistry. Floyd’s frequent mood swings and “irrationality” track a lot with stuff that I’ve been going through my whole life, and unlike me I don’t think Floyd has the language or the desire to fully understand why he is the way that he is. This combines with some elements I see in his past to create some issues with developing consistent relationship attachments that he hasn’t acquired by virtue of biology or proximity.

All this to say: I don’t consider my reading of Floyd the end all be all. I’m too bound up in it to say that I’m being objective. But I do think there’s a lot of textual evidence for the things that I do see in him, so take that for what you will. So let’s get into it.

It all starts from Jade and Floyd’s way of relating to other people. More specifically: they kinda don’t? The twins have a habit of seeing other people as more tools for their own entertainment than actual people deserving of notice. I’d argue a lot of this stems from their childhood, based on some things Jade says in his birthday card:

Could you tell us a memory you have about your birthday?

A memory....Oh, yes. I’ll share a story from my childhood.

It wasn’t just our relatives that would come over for our birthday every year-but associates from our father’s work as well.

And they gave us a mountain of presents.

What kind of things did you get?

All sorts of things: sweets, seaweed eye masks, and strange toys one could only acquire on land.

However, among those things were luxury substances clearly no child would need.

It seems those presents were from desperate people trying to gain our father’s favor...er, rather his trust.

Our father always made sure anyone who sent us those deeply meaningful gifts also left their signatures...

On a document which read, “This gift was given to you out of good faith, and we will not request anything in return for it.”

Even our father had a tendency to worry at times, just like our mother.

Well, they do say that married couples take after each other...It’s good that they get along well.

...Just what kind of household do you two come from?...

Heheh, this is simply a family-run line of work. We do all sorts of meaningless business with all kinds of people...Its very normal.

I’d argue we see two things at play here. One, a family tendency to toy with people, particularly desperate people. Jade is recounting this all with a clear sense of amusement, like it’s an old in-joke. More than that, his father seems to be toying with his “associates” through his sons birthday, making them sign documents assuring that its an honest gift when they all know the actual purpose. Two: Jade and Floyd serving as spectators to larger actions. Jade doesn’t even remember their birthday as being strictly “about” them. Rather it was an event through which they got to participate in the family business and get a little more insight into their father’s dealings. Again, his amusement here is important. For many kids I think there’d be a sense of hurt feelings, or concern, or even pride. But for Jade (and one has to assume, Floyd) this is simply another entertaining circumstance of his life.

I’d argue this stemmed from the home outward, resulting in the twins not being particularly encouraged to see other people as. Well. People. Rather, they approach them like they’re game pieces. This isn’t necessarily malicious. In Azul’s case, what drew them in to Azul was the contradiction between his crybaby nature and his ambitious talent for magic and exploiting others. They thought he would be fun to watch, and so they did, eventually developing a friendship with each other that seems to feature at least some level of trust. However, it definitely showcases this tendency to be driven by curiosity before empathy.

This continues at NRC. Jade and Floyd definitely have amicable relationships, and yet there aren’t truly a lot of people that they trust outside of each other. Floyd ESPECIALLY demonstrates this. He uses playful nicknames, both as a way of telling people apart and a way of subtly putting them down. He picks his favorite targets for bullying and teasing based on who will give him the biggest reaction, and lets his whims dictate how much he wants to engage with any given activity. He won’t put himself out of the way for pretty much anyone but Jade or Azul. There’s no one else in his life for whom friendship trumps his own convenience and entertainment, at least not consistently.

There’s a side effect to all of this though: when you see people as playthings, it’s hard to feel like you can actually trust them with your own emotions. This seems to bother Jade less. Jade doesn’t seem to deal with particularly strong emotions, even playing into the fact that he doesn’t have any around his brother. And as Bean Day demonstrates, he is perfectly capable of having friendly and amicable relationships with other people when he feels so inclined. Jade may sometimes put people off, but you get the sense that if he ever wanted to reach out he would be able to find someone to listen.

Floyd is different. Floyd has emotions which are frequently large and uncontrollable. More than that, he really doesn’t seem to have anywhere to take those emotions when they strike. His entire life, whether by nature or nurture, he’s taught himself that the only people he really needs to care about are his brother (and Azul), who as previously stated doesn’t really seem to experience emotions in the same way as Floyd and thus is often just as at a loss about how to cope with them as anyone else. Thus, the only avenue he seems to trust to make him feel better is to mess with people...or to lash out at them.

So let’s talk about where those emotions stem from. Floyd’s emotions get read as unpredictable for a pretty good reason. They can shift on a dime with almost no warning, and suddenly everyone around him has to deal with the consequences. I don’t really blame any of them for wondering what the hell his deal is. However, I think when talking about Floyd’s emotions, it’s useful to separate the cause of the emotion from the scope of the emotion.

The scope of the emotion, as I’ve already stated, can be attributed to ADHD/ADHD-like issues with emotional dysregulation. As I’ve stated, having ADHD means that your brain doesn’t effectively filter your emotions to give you an idea of what a rational response looks like. As bewildering as it can sound, there are plenty of days where I just can’t connect the dots that what’s irritating me is a project I’m working on. I just know that I’m furious and everyone around me seems to be contributing to it. This doesn’t mean I get an excuse to treat people however I want, obviously, but it does mean that when I’m in the middle of it it can be difficult for me to realize that I’m getting angry at something that isn’t the root cause of my problem. It ALL feels like a cause. Additionally, this kind of behavior is often even harder to contain for people who are undiagnosed, because they don’t know enough about themselves to recognize that they’re being irrational. They may often assume that everyone would act this way in their situation, even if that’s not true. So, my argument is functionally that Floyd is experiencing perfectly rational emotions. He’s just experiencing them to a degree that is unusually destructive, and doesn’t know (or, admittedly, care) to stop himself from acting on them.

As far as the cause goes, while obviously there’s not one cause for every switch, it’s often pretty useful to piece out when you take the time to scrutinize his internal state. I’m gonna go through his vignettes now to point out where the switch happens, as well as why I think it happens.

School Uniform (R):

Floyd, while bored at the library, spots Riddle hunting for a book and decides to antagonize him, holding it over his head and making him chase him around the library for it. However, near there end, we hit this beat.

Floyd: C'mon! Catch me, catch me! I'll give you the book if you do!

Riddle: AUGH! STOP RUNNING AROUND! I AM DONE WITH YOU! Jade has never once pulled these silly pranks, and he's had every opportunity as a classmate! How twins could be such complete opposites, I'll never understand!

Floyd:...

Riddle:Why must you always, ALWAYS...?! Tell me, Floyd! What have I done to deserve this mistreatment?!

Floyd: Ugh. I'm bored.

Riddle: WHAT?!

Floyd: I'm out. Here⁠—take the book.

Riddle:What...just happened? I can't tell if I upset him, or if that was yet another one of his mood swings. *sigh* I've had enough of that man's caprices for a lifetime.

Riddle’s frustration here is 100% understandable here, and I don’t blame him for snapping like he does. Floyd is being a brat, and he’s doing it to bother him. However, I’ve spoken before about how I don’t really think Floyd enjoys being compared to his brother, and this vignette is a huge part of the reason why. Riddle’s not really saying anything different from what he was before. He’s shouting at him, getting upset, theoretically giving Floyd exactly what he wants. But he’s thrown a wrench in the works, asking Floyd implicitly why he can’t be more like his brother, and suddenly all the fun’s gone out of it for him.

It’s important how he frames it here too. He doesn’t say he’s upset. He says he’s bored, and tosses back the book. Again, I don’t want to poor meow meow Floyd too much here. But bothering Riddle is the endgame. There’s no reason for this to suddenly be boring for him...unless boredom is not actually the reason for him leaving, just what he decides to attribute the feeling to. He’s offended, maybe even legitimately hurt that a person who he considers (however unwillingly) a friend has just implied wanting him to be something other than what he is. He’s been rejected, and rather than confront that I think what he’s doing here is rejecting him right back. At least for now.

PE Uniform (R):

Floyd: Huh? What's up, Crabby? You're staring at me. Wanna join in?

Ace: I had no idea you were such a baller. You had three people after you, but you slipped around 'em like... I dunno, an eel or something! I'm seriously floored, dude.

Floyd: Aw, it's nothing special. If you thought that was cool, then check THIS out.

Ace: Ooh, ooh! What're you gonna do?

Floyd: Patience, Crabby. Stand there and watch. Lead up with a dribble and... Slaaam dunk! Yeah BOIII!

Ace: Whoaaa, that was crazy! You're tall AND you can jump that high? I call shenanigans! Ha ha.

Jamil: I'm with Ace on this one. You just jumped high enough to literally look down through the hoop. How did you even manage that?

Ace: You could totally go pro. Maaan, I wanna learn to dunk like that!

Floyd: I got a thing for swimming, obviously, but I like running and jumping too.

Ace: On that note... Would you be on my team for today's practice game?

Floyd: You wanna tag-team those chumps, eh? Sure. Why not?

----

Floyd: I'm bored.

Ace: What?

Jamil: Come on, the match has started.

Ace: Hold up, Floyd. What happened to those crazy skills you were just showing off?

Floyd: Uuugh, this is such a draaag. I quit.

Ace: What the heck, man?!

Floyd: I'm not in a basketball mood.

Ace: But you were totally in the zone like three seconds ago!

Floyd: Yeah. I had fun, and now I'm done.

Ace: Dude, quit being so lazy and make with the dunking already!

Floyd:You are REALLY starting to get on my nerves. How about I squeeze you until you can't whine anymore?

So we have here, pretty standard Floyd shenanigans. He’s having fun, until he isn’t, and then he makes that everyone else’s problem. Again, Ace isn’t in the wrong here for reacting as he does. From his perspective Floyd just flaked out on him and threatened him for asking that he do the thing he said he’d do. Floyd’s being a dick, regardless of the emotions he has around it. What I find most interesting about this interaction though, is specifically how Floyd responds to Ace’s praise. He’s surprisingly quick to undercut his own achievement, waving it off as nothing special even as he eagerly shows off for a little more of it. He reacts enthusiastically to Ace hyping him up, though he treats his own talents like something normal (“I like running and jumping”). Even agrees to be on his team, and I’ve mentioned how rare it is for Floyd to commit to something for someone else. I see this as an example of the “anxious” half of the mixed attachment. Floyd wants to be validated without having to beg for it, enough to jump into things quickly when he’s found an unexpected source of it.

And then a sea change occurs. Sudden mood drops or abrupt lack of interest isn’t exactly unusual with ADHD (though, it happens to Floyd a little quicker than most). Despite having fun with Ace he’s clearly ready to drop the task and move on to something more fun. When Ace (a little understandably) reacts with frustration, that’s when Floyd gets aggressive with him. The avoidant half kicks in. “Oh, so I’m just a dunking machine to you? Well fuck you too then.” He places distance between them to avoid having to really untangle his own feelings on why he’s suddenly demotivated, and also seemingly to hurt Ace for turning on him.

Labwear (SR)

Woof, this one is probably the clearest demonstration of Floyd’s emotional vacillation. Sorry for the back to back long quotes I’m gonna be doing here but. It’s relevant.

Crewel: Floyd Leech, would you care to explain yourself?

Floyd:......

Crewel: You're turning in my quiz completely blank. I can only conclude that you crave a taste of my signature discipline.

Floyd:......

Crewel: How long are you going to stay silent? Even puppies bark back when spoken to.

Floyd:...Aroo. There. Are we done yet, or did you have more barbs to sling my way? All this nagging is really harshin' my vibe.

Crewel:......You're bold, Younger Leech. I'll give you that much.

Floyd: I ain't "younger." I ain't "older," either, but c'mon.

Crewel: I suggest you exercise more discretion in deciding who you bare your fangs at.....you BAD DOG!

So here again, we see those consistent themes: Floyd’s frustration at being asked to explain himself when his motivation suddenly drops, and a connection drawn to Jade that seems to needle at him. Crewel seems to be assuming their birth order based on maturity here, which Floyd objects to very quickly. Almost like it bothers him that Jade was brought up at all.

Jade: Oh, hello, Floyd. Heading back to the dorm? ...What's wrong? You're glowering.

Floyd: Professor Beakfish chewed my head off and assigned me a fifty-page apology essay as punishment.

Jade:"Beakfish"? Like the black-and-white striped beakfish? Oh, you must be talking about Professor Crewel. What did you do to incur his wrath this time?

Floyd: Literally nothin'. I didn't feel like takin' a quiz, so I left it blank. I'm not the only guy with low grades in that class, so how come I'm the only one he singles out?

Jade: Didn't you score a perfect 100 on your last test? Of course he'd think you were slacking on purpose if you went from a 100 to a 0.

Floyd: Maaaan... This is lame.

I think it’s notable that Jade says “he’d think you were slacking on purpose”. Implying to me that he seems to understand that on some level, it’s not necessarily in Floyd’s control when he chooses to put in effort or not (though he acknowledges Crewel is coming to a pretty logical conclusion). Floyd leaves pretty shortly after this to be alone, too irritated to even confide in his twin, after which he has this exchange.

Savanaclaw Student: Hey, who thinks they can just bump into me without apologizin' or— Erk! F-F-Floyd!

Floyd:......

Savanaclaw Student A: S-sorry! We didn't know it was you...

Floyd: ......

Savanaclaw Student B: Look, uh, we don't want any trouble, so...

Floyd: Huh? Nah, don't feel like starting any.

Savanaclaw Student A: Wait, really?

Floyd: I said it's cool, okay? So how about you scram already before you make me wanna ruin YOUR day, too?

Again, we have another repeated pattern here. Floyd’s more likely to get aggravated when someone starts interrogating his motives. Its scope is unreasonable but its cause, at its bare essentials, is understandable. When you’re in a bad mood you don’t want someone to pester you with questions.

What ultimately turns Floyd’s mood around in this vignette isn’t some deep meaningful affirmation, and pretty essentially the most likely person to give it to him in this situation, Jade, doesn’t try. He’s in avoidant mode. He’s going to resist all forms of praise or encouragement and assume ill-intentions. What snaps him out of it, finally, is Ace and Deuce hitting him with color changing magic and him finding it so funny that it instantly snaps him out of his funk. His motivation is kickstarted again, and with it I’d argue a desire for affirmation:

Floyd:Aha ha! I didn't know you could be so incompetent at basic baby magic! You guys are hopeless! Look at this complete mess of colors I've got going from head to toe. Pinks, blues, yellows... What color were you even going for? It's kinda funny bein' this colorful!

Deuce: He's laughing? Does that mean...he's in better spirits now?

Ace: W-we're saved!

Floyd: Now I wanna give it a whirl! Heck, I'll give you guys some color-changing pointers while I'm at it.

Deuce: Who is he, and what has he done with Floyd...?

It seems like a whim, and to some extent it is. I doubt Floyd is really making many cognizant connections between this and his argument with Crewel earlier. But I think its important to understand: what put him in a bad mood was rejection, being chewed out and having it assumed that he’s being intentionally dense and not trying hard enough. What snaps him out of it is giddily spectating someone being actually incompetent, and realizing its something that he can not only try for himself, but help them do as well. That takes him right back up to his peak, and as a direct result, he stops avoiding people.

Ceremonial Robes: (also I couldn’t find an upload of the official translation for this vignette so. Here’s the link to the fan translation I ended up using: https://twistedtranslations.tumblr.com/post/614193938568495104/floyd-leech-dont-wanna-12)

So what does a positive interaction with Floyd look like? As I’ve said again and again: I really don’t wanna fault anyone I’ve previously shown for how they reacted to him. At the end of the day how Floyd feels is no one’s responsibility but his own, and the ways in which he lashes out are specifically designed to provoke and upset people. He can hardly complain when people get, well, provoked and upset. But I think the ceremonial robes vignette showcase an excellent example of someone finding a way to engage with him that actually produces positive and even productive results.

Kalim: If you like music that much, you should enter the light music club! We can play together.

Floyd: I’m fine.

Kalim: But you like musical performances, right? It’d be a waste to quit.

Floyd: I don’t like being told by a human what to do… And right now, moving my body is the most fun. Lately I’ve been interested in dancing! Now that I have two tail fins, it’s been so entertaining. Sometimes I can’t even tell the difference between left and right.

Kalim: Tail fins? Left and right�� ah, do you mean your legs?

Floyd: Yes, legs! Moving your legs is fun, so dancing is fun as well. I love fun things. I don’t want to do boring things. Applies to everything.

Kalim: I also love fun things! They’re the best! That’s why even if I love music, I also love dancing… You know, our hobbies are kind of the same, huh?

Floyd: Huh…you think so?

Kalim: Yeah, do you want to try performing together next time?

Floyd: Aha. With me? Okay, but I think you’ll be surprised at how good I am.

Kalim: That’s fine, I’ve heard a lot about you. You should definitely show me how you dance.

Floyd: If I feel like it.

----

Kalim: Ah, here you are! Floyd, do you have a moment!?

Floyd: Huh, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to hold a party for the great observers?

Kalim: That’s where I have a problem. The guy who plays the main drum has gotten a cold and can’t participate today. We’ve tried to rehearse without the drum but the song doesn’t feel authentic without the percussion… And that’s when I remembered you.

Floyd: Me?

Kalim: You said you had experience with the drum. Don’t you want to show off your technique to everyone? I’m sure performing together will be fun. Come on Floyd, let’s liven up the party together!

Floyd: Huh? Don’t wanna.

Kalim: …Huh. What do you mean you don’t wanna?

Jade: Pf. Floyd, it wouldn’t hurt you to be more polite in your refusals.

Floyd: I don’t wanna do things I don’t like.

Kalim: But didn’t you tell me it was fine when I offered you earlier to perform together?

Floyd: I told you I didn’t like being ordered around by humans, didn’t I? And you know, I don’t feel like matching with y’all.

Kalim: You don’t have to force yourself to match the other guys. If you do things like you do, that’s fine as well.

Floyd: … For real?

Kalim: Of course! As I said before, having fun at a party is essential! The guests and the entertainers should both have fun.

Floyd: Okay, then I’ll do it.

Kalim: Really?!

Floyd: Yeah. As long as I can do whatever I want.

Kalim: You really saved me, thank you, Floyd!

Floyd is trying to fall into his usual habits, being intentionally difficult, squirming out of things he otherwise promised to do, and insisting on having his own way. In this state of mind even Jade struggles to get him to do anything. But Kalim somehow intuitively hits on the way home. He reaffirms Floyd’s desire to have fun, and encourages him to do his own thing without worrying about whether its correct or not. Floyd even seems a little thrown off by it, confused that Kalim doesn’t have more of a problem with him and surprised by the extent to which he seems to identify with him. As a result, he agrees, as long as it can be on his own terms, and the performance goes shockingly well...

....For a while!

Floyd: … Eergh! Just hitting stuff is boring.

Kalim: U-uh, Floyd, why did you suddenly throw your sticks away!

Floyd: You were the one who told me I could do what I wanted. I feel more like dancing than playing drums.

Kalim: It’s true that I said that, but… Why did you abandon your instrument?!

Floyd: You’re supposed to have fun at a party, right? Everyone should stand up and do whatever they want~

Kalim: … Haha, ahaha! Man, this became super lively and fun. Floyd’s really dancing without worries. Okay. A party shouldn’t be like this. Come on everyone, sing and dance! Don’t hold back on enjoying this bustling party.

Floyd: Oh, you guys finally stood up. How about I’ll strangle you if you don’t get excited?

Jamil: What a terrible fuss. Certainly, a party should be enjoyed… But there’s a limit to everything.

Azul: Floyd’s drumming was popular in his home town. It had a rhythm that made you move your body just by listening to it. Well, the guy himself broke out in dancing all the time… It was always troublesome.

Jamil: If this isn’t a chaotic situation. Aah, how will I explain this to the principal…

Azul: Do not worry, I shall help you. That’s why I came.

Jamil: Why do I have the feeling it won’t be free of charge. My head hurts… I also feel like dancing and forgetting everything.

Kalim: Isn’t this fun, Floyd!

Floyd: Yeah. Dancing is enjoyable after all. … Let’s get fired up even more!

Floyd’s being difficult again, temporarily flummoxing Kalim. What’s crucial here though, is that Kalim doesn’t become upset with him. He does the best thing one can do with Floyd, and rolls right with the punches. For as chaotic as it is, it genuinely seems to improve spirits at the party. Even Jamil, stressed and overworked, seems to get into the spirit as he accepts there’s probably no stopping this train. As a result, Floyd’s investment doesn’t waver. He continues to have a good time. Even the threats, though they seemingly aren’t avoidable, seem more playful than actually angry. It’s a rare interaction with Floyd where everyone walks away a little bit the better for it.

Concluding notes:

So to restate my points: No, I don’t believe Floyd Leech is secretly a sad little boy so tormented by the cruel world. Floyd gets pretty much the reaction one would expect from his behavior. He doesn’t put in the effort to explain himself, or to control himself, and as a result it’s not really fair to expect other people to do the work of untangling his feelings for him. Additionally, I think for the most part, he’s genuinely a pretty happy guy. He has his low points, like anyone, but by and large I think we seem him being pretty content with his life and relationships as they are. Some people don’t need to resolve every issue they have to achieve some sort of equilibrium. I’d argue that Floyd is very much one of those people.

However, in service of a broader analysis: I think often times, we act the way that we’re treated as much as we’re treated the way that we act. Even by the people who know him best, Floyd is often treated as inexplicable, irrational and even frustrating to deal with. For as true as those statements often are, I think it has influenced his own relationship to his internal state. He lacks the kind of cognitive structure necessary to unpack why he feels a certain way, or what he needs to do about it. Oftentimes, I think he’s even a little out of touch with what he’s feeling. All negative emotions get looped under the same category: bored. And being bored is the worst thing there is for someone like Floyd. It’s an itchy, powerless feeling that makes you feel suddenly adrift. What was just working for you, making you happy and excited to be where you were, has suddenly turned on you, one way or another. And now, its hard to even get excited about moving on to something else. What if that turns on you too.

As an extension of this, to quote the old song, how can you know who you are till you know what you want? Floyd is cued enough into himself to know when he’s lacking something, but because all bad feelings are boredom, the only solution left is to sulk or to make something happen. It doesn’t matter what his brain is actually crying out for (validation, stimulation, comfort, privacy). He just has to make something happen (even bad things), or go hide in his room until he can’t take the quiet anymore. Then, when the dust is settled, everyone’s mad at him, and he still doesn’t know or understand why he’s feeling/felt this down. It’d be tragic, if it also weren’t often so, so funny.

#twisted wonderland #twst #floyd leech #long post #analysis #curious anon

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wistfulcynic · 3 years ago

Text

in December 2008 i moved permanently from the USA to the UK and promptly got an ear infection. It was intensely painful, like an ice pick through my skull. i took some OTC painkiller and lay in bed, moaning and miserable.

my (English) husband looked at me like i’d grown a third head.

“if it’s that bad why don’t you just go to the doctor?” he said.

“i--i can go to the doctor in this country!” was my reply.

at that time, it had probably been 5-6 years since i’d seen a doctor. Not since i stopped being on my dad’s insurance. Even when i’d had my own insurance (via my grad school institution as part of my teaching assistantship compensation, the same insurance as the professors had. Probably pretty good. Still too confusing and scary for me) i never felt like i had the spare cash to cover a copay, was always afraid that what i needed wouldn’t be covered by the insurance. i ignored an abscess in my mouth for weeks until it finally burst in a geyser of pus you definitely don’t want me to go into further detail about, because i was worried that would count as dental and i didn’t have dental coverage.

you get the picture. Health care in the US sucks hard.

when my ear was infected, my husband phoned his local GP surgery (with which i was not registered, i was an immigrant on a spouse visa, only arrived the previous week), got me an appointment later that day. They saw me, diagnosed me, gave me a prescription for antibiotics for which i paid (i think, at the time) roughly £7. Cleared up in a few days.

all i paid for was the prescription.

some years later my husband made me go to the doctor again. i was having random symptoms i wasn’t even sure were symptoms, a weird laundry list of stuff that could be connected or could be nothing. i went to the GP with this list, worried that they’d take one look at a heavyset woman and immediately go “lose weight fatty!” or “diabetes!” They did not. The doctor was a young-ish woman who listened carefully to everything i told her, looked at my list of symptoms, and said “we’ll test for other things, but I’m 99% sure this is a problem with your thyroid. i’m going to start you on some medicine while we wait for the test results.”

prescriptions were by then something in the neighbourhood of £8.

a few days later i got a call from the lab that had run my blood tests. They told me that my thyroid levels were through the roof, so high they were actively dangerous. Cardiac arrest was a likely outcome if it was left untreated. They advised me to get a prescription immediately, and were audibly relieved when i told them i already had one.

if i’d not been living in a country with free-at-the-point-of-service health care, i would not have seen a doctor. The NHS saved my life.

why am i going on about this? Well. It’s because NHS workers have planned a strike for later this month, and the press are already on the attack. Fearmongering about how this will throw the system into chaos, patients will go untreated, etc etc blah blah all with the very unsubtle spin of “blame the workers. Blame the strikers. They’re putting your lives in danger.”

zero mention of how dire the situation is in many hospitals. Not enough nurses (because Brexit among other reasons) and the ones we do have are overworked and underpaid. Too many patients not enough beds. Old buildings, old equipment.

none of which is a problem with the system. The system’s great. The system works. The problem is the predatory Tory government who would love nothing more than a privatised, US-style insurance-based healthcare system off of which they and their cronies can profit. The problem is how the government has been starving the NHS of funds for over a decade, under the guise of “austerity” and how we all need to muck in together. Except them, obviously. They’re different.

the problem is absolutely not the people striking because they, like nearly all of us in this country, are shamefully underpaid. Because they deserve compensation for their hard and dangerous work. Compensation they are not being given, despite their attempts at negotiation.

whenever collective action happens there are always people eager to blame the workers. Greedy nurses, refusing to treat us when we need them because they think their pay is more important. How dare they? They have a responsibility to do their jobs! i am urging all my UK mutuals and anyone who reads this not to be taken in by these spurious arguments or any spin doctoring from the news rags. Side with the workers! Side with the nurses. Side with the people who want the NHS well-funded and thriving. A robust national health service is a universal good. Ours is creaky and wobbling but that is from mistreatment, not because the principle is unsound. i promise you, however frustrating you find the NHS, an American-style system is far, far worse.

#national health service #britain #strikes #collective action #political #NHS #saira has Thoughts

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worldformula · 3 years ago

Note

I am asking about the aitsf au 👀

And I am answering! I’m gonna go down a bullet list of things I don’t think I’ve mentioned about our AU! Specifically about the siblings because my inbox is mostly about Ryuki + Saito lol so this will be a long one! Thank you for letting me go on and on about this AU seriously I enjoy it very much.

AITSF / AINI SPOILERS.

Warnings for violence, child abuse, and some seriously bad family dysfunction.

Saito has a scar around his neck, which he covers with a black choker (this is me trying to justify why he appears to be wearing two turtlenecks) (I know it’s because his model is weird but who cares). He got this from a childhood accident where Uru got angry and pushed him as they were swinging with ropes and he nearly got strangled to death. The scar is from the rope burns as he struggled. Uru wasn’t actually ever afraid of him until that day because Saito beat him up so badly for it that they had to get separated by the guards. This was also before Iris.

Following that, there is an ending where Uru finally gets to kill him (of course, it’s strangulation. Finish what you started, Uru.) but it’s also a bad one. Pretty much any ending where Saito gets killed is a bad one. But also you can imagine how insane A-Set stan Twitter is going to look following the news release that Iris’ brother killed her other brother (who killed her mother).

There was a period of 6 months where Uru and Saito just did not see each other, following Manaka’s murder. While So tried to figure out what to do about Saito, he just locked him in his room (though obviously he was let out for like, assessments and basic care) and had guards make sure no one went near (but mostly to make sure Saito didn’t get out). Uru did not know about this at all and was told he was sent away for health reasons.

Between the untreated physiological brain disorder making him upset and the distress of being stuck in The Room for so long, he developed a fear of being trapped / unable to escape. Once he was let out he moved rooms entirely and avoids The Room, which is left intact with proof of his tantrums / meltdowns (broken CRT tv, messed up walls and floors, etc).

Iris and Uru have no idea why he’s antsy about it and it bothers him immensely that they don’t have the same fear of being trapped as he does, even when he used to lock them in closets whenever he got angry with them.

This is also why he chooses to put So’s body in something as small and morbid as The Vase (it’s the vengeance babey). I have this headcanon outside of the AU but it fit really well into here, so this is the room where Hitomi shoots and kills Saito in her final girl bad ending. We love karmic retribution.

If the siblings just unionized against So, they could easily kick his ass and live like normal people. But they aren’t ever going to do that because Saito is so poisoned by the belief that he’s better than the others because he’s the true born son and they’re all inferior to him (which is undermined by the fact that So is more restrictive of him than the others + Saito himself knows he’s on thin ice constantly and is insecure about it).

So doesn’t really like any of his kids because he’s the root of all evil but if he had to pick a favorite it is actually Iris. Because Saito has a body count and Uru is deeply insecure to the point of being pathetic but at least Iris is a nice young woman who is doing literally everything she can to stay out of it. Tbh she’s slightly spared from the mind games by the sheer age gap between her and her brothers.

Despite literally all of this dysfunction, for the most part they all get along tentatively. Saito’s made himself the top of the pecking order, Uru follows Saito’s lead (but is extremely unhappy about it which is why he ends up violently repressed, susceptible to cult indoctrination, and trigger happy), and Iris respects them both from a sad distance.

The problem is that they occasionally have pretty good moments together so no matter how bad it gets, those few moments make them forget about it. Saito in particular occasionally does stand up for them against So. He was the one who convinced So to let Iris be an idol, for which she’s grateful. But he stands up to So on their behalf as a sort of power move, because neither of them have ever really stood up to their father the way Saito is able to (further establishing to them that he’s the favorite of them all).

On a lighter note, Uru in this AU is actually naturally a brunet and bleaches his hair blond. On a darker note, the combination of coloring his hair like Saito and the fact that he dresses like him (turtleneck + blazer) surely doesn’t mean anything about his self image relating to his older brother now does it.

That was 11 bullet points which I think is enough from me. Thank you!

#anonymous #ask #aitsf au #aitsf spoilers #aini spoilers #sorry for being saito centric it’s because I love a project

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olderthannetfic · 3 years ago

Note

I wasn’t baiting I was being serious. I had a CC scream at me because I sent them an ask that made them uncomfortable. instead of telling me it made them uncomfortable they ignored me so I spammed them asking what was wrong with my ask and that’s when they started screaming at me to leave them alone and that I wasn’t entitled to their attention and I should take a hint. This triggered my RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) and I lashed out at them and now they did a callout on me my life is ruined. This is why I hate boundaries.

Ouch, nonnie. That whole situation sounds super unhealthy and awful!

I don't think boundaries are the issue here, however.

They and you would both have had feelings regardless of their stated boundaries. It is inevitable that we sometimes get rejected, and being rejected hurts.

From just this brief description I, of course, cannot understand all the nuances of the situation, but even just from this, I'm seeing some bad signs:

You "spammed" them instead of waiting for them to answer an ask? Most people don't like being bugged about their unanswered asks because it tends to trigger feelings of guilt and anxiety and/or they just hate the topic in the ask. You can check in once to make sure it's not Tumblr eating messages; after that, you should assume they saw it but prefer not to answer (which is their right). Even if this doesn't seem intuitive to you, you can memorize this rule. You've learned a painful lesson and that sucks.

(And no "I get anxious when I'm ignored" is not an excuse. If you're so anxious you can't function, that's a job for your therapist, not the CC who is ignoring you.)

But also, they screamed at you right away? This could just be a you problem. It's hard to tell from your description. But if this is also a them problem, it sounds like they may not know what their boundaries are until someone trips over one. They may be vulnerable and not someone who can easily tolerate the internet limelight.

A hair trigger for posting callouts tends to point to someone having untreated PTSD and other shit they need support for. It's not your job to support them, of course. You don't need to be happy about being yelled at. Nobody likes being yelled at.

But let's keep a sense of perspective: maybe there are things wrong with them that they also can't help and that make them lash out too. It might not just be about you.

Your life is ruined? No. Your life is not ruined. You are hurt, but this isn't The End.

That's just your brain lying to you.

You feel like crap, and that sucks, but you can still feel better in the future. You can still make new friends. You can still be in fandom or follow CCs or whatever else.

I was canceled, and it was traumatic. I still have some PTSD from it that turns up occasionally. I am still always finding random friends-of-friends who act like joining in on a years-old cancellation will protect them and wash them clean of sin. (Spoiler: if you hang out with people who need someone on the chopping block to feel good, eventually, that person will be you. Just saying.)

But I also have 10x the fandom friends I did prior to it. I've ditched a whole set of people who are stuck in feelings of being left behind and defensive. I've met a ton of new people I never would have in the past, so I both know a lot more about parts of fandom I never saw before and am able to tell a lot more people about fandom history and how I see fannish norms.

My personal boundary is that if you come up to my face, I can and I will respond... if I feel like it. Or not, if I don't.

I'm not going to let "boundaries are the problem" fly on my blog even if it's something your traumatized brain wants to be true and insists on. Maybe it makes you feel bad to hear that this is a symptom of your current trauma and not reality.

Too bad.

Hearing my opinion is the price you pay for sending me asks.

Go practice some self-soothing, anon. Watch a comfort show. Hang out on some other part of the internet that isn't where this CC is. Play a mindless phone game to anesthetize your brain when it wants to obsess. Go to bed at a consistent time and wake up at a consistent time. Get 8 hours of sleep. Eat healthily. (No, I am so not kidding. Food and sleep have a profound effect on emotional shit.)

You're here on my blog, an adult space, so whomever you are, you're old enough to set some mental health-improving boundaries for yourself. One could be not trying to interact with this type of CC so that you can avoid this type of situation. Or one could be sending one ask and then immediately going jogging or to a movie or to class so that you can't sit there fussing about why it hasn't been answered yet.

The CC doesn't owe you anything, but you owe some things to yourself. RSD is genuinely hard to handle. Be kind to yourself. There are ways to cope, at least to a degree.

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rebeccccccaaa · 4 years ago

Text

🅑🅐🅓 🅑🅞🅨

__________________________________

🅢🅣🅔🅥🅔 🅡🅞🅖🅔🅡🅢 🅧 🅡🅔🅐🅓🅔🅡

🅡🅔🅠🅤🅔🅢🅣: Aa, idk if your requests are open, but I *love* you sex pollen fics! I was wondering if you'd be able to write one with a dom reader? I don't mind what character, but they get affected by the pollen and are really subby ect? ❤️✨

🅦🅐🅡🅝🅘🅝🅖🅢: brief graphic violence, Smut 18+ (slight bondage, degradation, begging, dom!reader, edging, male masterbation, overstimulation, mommy kink, dom/sub), kinda fluffy aftercare for steve

🅐🅤🅣🅗🅞🅡’🅢 🅝🅞🅣🅔: girl i am not dominant! omlll i hope this was ok, i really tried to step out of my comfort zone a bit with this one but i don’t know if it’s dommy enough :( but i hope it’s what you were hoping for :) it’s long but i think it’s worth the read teehee

__________________________________

“Steve are you alright?” you asked him as he emerged from the greenhouse. He was thrown through the glass roof by high tech Hydra weapons. There was yellow dust clouding his nose and eyes and it looked uncomfortable.

“Yeah, let’s finish this mission and get back!” he started running with you.

Hydra agents flooding in the room stalling you and Steve from getting back to the quinjet. As you were fighting you looked over to Steve to make sure he was still doing alright, you noticed how much more aggressive he was fighting. He smashed their heads in and broke their bones; it was much more violent than how Steve normally fought.

That was something you expected from Nat or Bucky, their lives were violent before the Avengers but Steve was all about stealth and less casualties so seeing him so brutal and cruel was somewhat frightening.

“Steve. Steve!” you pulled him from his rampage.

“What!”

“What’s going on?” you yelled.

“Nothing! Let’s just get back to the quinjet,” he huffed and left.

The ride back home was quiet except for the heavy breathing and grunting that came from Steve practically every minute. You wanted to yell at him for being an annoying little shit but you knew he would rip you apart if you yelled at him again.

Suddenly you received a phone coming in from Tony Stark.

“Hey Tony. We’re on our way back already,” you said.

“Good. We uh, we noticed the Hydra Greenhouse was destroyed, did either you guys go in there or fight anyone in there?” he asked; one the Shield agents reported it to the Avengers Tower.

“Oh yeah Steve was thrown in there through the roof but he's fine now, I think. He’s being extra mean to me though,” you sassed, making Steve roll his eyes as he was eavesdropping.

“Mean? How?” Tony asked.

“Well, he’s being really aggressive. Dude got so angry all of the sudden,” you responded.

“Ok, we’ll talk again you guys get back,” he said and hung up.

When you guys landed Steve had a stern expression and walked uncomfortably to the lab where Tony and the rest of the team were waiting. You and Steve had been sent on the mission alone and it seems like something happened that everyone but you two were aware of.

“What’s going on?” you asked.

Tony and Bruce walked up to Steve and inspected his face. He still had bits of golden pollen stuck to his eyelashes and the tip of his nose. Steve swatted Tony’s hand away and practically growled in anger. His jaw was clenched so tight the muscle bulged from his head.

“He got hit,” Thor said.

“Got hit with what?” Steve saidly rudely.

“The pollen. Hydra confided a greenhouse in Moscow, where you guys were, to experiment on a specific species of flowers found in other galaxies for… breeding. It makes the victim completely lust driven until they well, breed,” Bruce explained.

“What?” you started laughing.

“Is he gonna be impossibly horny now?” you smirked, making Steve roll his eyes.

“The effects can be detrimental to humans when untreated but since Steve has the super soldier serum I’m not sure what could happen,” Thor spoke up.

“How are you feeling Steve?” Nat asked, walking up to him.

“I’m fine,” Steve said.

“Maybe we should take some tests?” Bruce asked.

“No, no, no! Guys I’m fine,” Steve bargain.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked him.

“Yeah, if I start feeling weird, I’ll come back to the lab, deal?” he said; everyone was skeptical about him considering you reported that Steve became suddenly more aggressive than ever before. It might’ve had something to do with the effects of the pollen.

“Maybe you should just stay. Tony and Bruce can monitor you and you won’t-”

“Nat, I’ll be fine,” Steve interrupted.

“Ok.”

Steve wasn’t fine.

It’s been a few hours since you and Steve got back from the mission and Steve was in excruciating pain. He felt so embarrassed he could even walk to the door without desperately wishing the floor would open up and swallow him.

He had a boner and there was no way in a million years Steve was gonna let anyone catch him like that. Steve spent almost two hours in the shower alone fisting his cock desperate to cum and make it go away but nothing was working.

He even thought about you and you were getting him close but to have you in person would’ve been the cherry on top. Since the stupid enter his system images and thoughts of you and you alone were the only thing he could think about. But there was no way you’d ever have sex with him, even if his life depended on it.

Steve wasn’t really particularly nice to you. And today especially the pollen making him horny as fuck for you made easily aggitated because he could’t get a release. And the serum amplified everything, so he got instantly hit with the effects but played it off thinking it wasn’t going to feel this awful by now.

But again, that didn’t stop him from thinking about your body and how beautiful you were to him; even way before today. Steve always thought relationships should stay out of a workplace especially one so demanding like yours. He knew it was stupid because Wanda and Vision were doing alright, and so was Tony and Pepper.

He told himself that only because his relationship with Sharon was quite awful. But he wanted to try again and try a relationship with you. He wanted to make you laugh, wake up next to you and make breakfast with you together. Maybe even dominate him? Steve had always wanted to try that but Sharon was very vanilla; and you were quite the controlling person, it was sexy as hell he thought.

A knock on the door pulled him out his thoughts of you. He pulled his sweatpants up and opened the door just a crack to avoid practically flashing his guest with his very prominent boner.

“Hey just checking in. it’s been a while since you left the lab, and no one’s seen you come out of your room,” it was you. Steve almost moaned at the sight of you but kept somewhat composure processing what you were saying.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” he stuttered.

“You’re alright?” you said condescendingly.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he pushed out.

“You’re fine,” you whispered, crossing your arms.

“You know the walls are thin,” you smirked.

The small smile on his face dropped because he was sure that you heard his little escapades in the shower.

“So here’s my offer, since it was my name you were so desperately moaning I can either fix your little, well, big problem or I can walk away and tell Tony and everyone else that not only are you experiencing the symptoms of the sex pollen plant that you supposed notify Tony and Bruce in the first place but that you’re also so desperate to fuck me as much as you pretend to deny it,” you spoke smoothly.

Steve breathed out heavily before opening the door defeated letting you in. You smirked excitedly walking into Steve’s room. You would be lying if you said you weren’t completely head over heels for the guy. And that beard you convinced him to grow wasn’t helping your attraction either.

“Strip,” you commanded.

“Pardon?” he quirked an eyebrow.

“Steve, oh baby, tsk, tsk, tsk,” you shook your head, walking up to

“What?”

“You're going to do everything that I ask you to do and the minute you disobey me, I walk out and let you suffer,” you whispered to him, “Got it?”

He nodded. Probably more eager than he meant it to be, which made you giggle.

“So as I said before, strip,” you repeated.

Steve took his shirt off followed by his sweats leaving him in his boxers in front of you.

“Don’t make me repeat myself,” you said sternly.

Steve took his boxers off leaving him completely in the nude; his cock stood tall against his stomach and you were impressed. The sight of him made you grow wet but you are so going to have your fun with him before you even think about taking even your shirt off.

“Get on your knees,” you told him.

Steve didn’t hesitate to kneel in front of you; his dick getting harder with each passing second. The pollen started to affect his mind more now that you were in his proximity. His mind was getting cloudy and all he could start to think about was your delicious scent that made him want to simply ravish you unconditionally.

“How are you feeling?” you mocked him.

“Please,” he whimpered.

“Please what?”

“Please touch me,” he begged.

“Aw, you want me to touch you? Like a little slut? Huh?”

Your words made him whimper and moan.

“Well, someone was being a bad boy today. First you yelled at me when I was trying to help, then you lied to Tony who was also trying to help, and then I find out about your pathetic little crush on me. I don’t think you get what you want just yet, baby.”

You grabbed his chin and sat him on the bed you kneel in front of him, his dick in front of your face aching to be touched. Steve resisted the urge to move his hips towards as you resisted the urge to touch him and pleasure him. But like before, you wanted to have a bit of fun.

“Hm, I want you to keep begging me,” you stood up abruptly, making Steve whimper.

“Please, Y/n, I need you to touch, please it hurts.”

You squinted to eyes unimpressed.

“Mommy, please,” Steve’s hands reached out to you and pulled close. You almost got upset for him touching you without your permission but when he lifted your shirt and pressed delicate little kisses in your tummy you almost caved.

“Mommy; I like it,” you pushed his shoulders down so he laid on the bed.

You walked back a bit putting distance in between you and took off your shirt leaving a bra on; one you had specifically put on because it made you feel the sexiest. Steve’s eyes widen slightly before drooping completely admiring the skin you put on display for him; even if it's just your shoulders and stomach for now.

“Touch yourself,” you commanded.

Steve reached down and quickly stroked his cock; his hands moving up and down rapidly chasing his release. You moved your hand to your breast and squeezed one just to tease Steve some more; biting your lip seductively.

Steve’s moans got louder and with you standing right there teasing him and mocking him, he was finally, after hours of trying to climax, he was finally reaching the edge. You watched him closely and when his hand began to stutter you spoke up.

“Stop.”

“What?” he breathed out.

“You heard me.”

You did this for an hour and a half. Now you sat naked on the sofa chair in his room rubbing your fingers on your clit about to cum for the third time while Steve still had yet to cum. They were tears running down his distressed face. Whimpers and whines and moans choked out of him as he was being edged for far too long than he’d like.

“You ready, my fucking man whore,” you stalked up to him.

“Please, mommy. Please fuck me, I need so bad,” Steve reached for you with shaky hands.

“You’re so fucking cute when you beg,” you mocked, straddling his hips.

Steve’s hands rubbed your thighs and you lined his cock with your entrance. You sunk down and moaned already so sensitive from your previous orgasms. Your hands rested against Steve’s chest as he screwed his eye shut; an overwhelming sensation coming over him.

You rocked your hips back and forth rubbing your clit against his pelvis bringing you close to your final orgasm. Steve whimpered under you and moaned beautifully. His hips bucked up into you ferociously hitting a particular spot that made you moan loudly and high pitched.

“Fuck, Stevie. Your cock feels so good,” you leaned down to whisper.

“Fuck I’m so close,” he cried.

“You wanna come? You wanna come inside me?” you teased.

“Please mommy, let me come, please,” he begged.

“You gonna be a good boy if I do?”

“Yes!”

“Go on, baby boy. Come for me.”

Steve came with a shout of your name and you felt the hot spurts of cum coating your walls making you come in time with him. Steve's chest had a layer of sweat of the flushed redden skin. He panted under you, his body shaking vigorously but his face had a small smile and his hands rubbed your back and cheeks when you fell forward after climaxing.

“Holy fuck, I think that did it,” Steve chuckled.

“I had a great time,” you laughed.

You got up and went to his bathroom to grab a washcloth soaked with warm water and a bit of soap. You went back to Steve cleaning his pelvis and dick that slick with yours and his cum. His body was still trembling but not as drastic as before, and when you placed the warm washcloth on his skin his body jerked lightly.

As you cleaned him you pressed soft kisses to his stomach and chest making him sigh in content. You went back and cleaned yourself privately and came out with a new washcloth slightly less warm to cool his skin down since his body got very hot from being edged for the past hour and half and not even being able to get close all day before you came.

He stayed still, eyes focused to the ceiling feeling solace by your soft touch cleaning him up. When you finished you gathered your clothes to dress yourself so you could leave him to rest and then the next pretend like nothing of this happened.

“Hey wait,” he said, making you look at him trying your best to cover your modesty. You played a part and now that the small agreement was over you felt a bit shy under Steve’s gaze who still looked at you lustfully.

“Don’t you wanna stay?” he said softly.

“I didn’t think you wanted me to,” you smiled sadly. You did genuinely like him; even when he wasn’t particularly nice to you sometimes. But you didn’t think he felt the same way even after the effects of the pollen. You thought maybe he only desired you because you were the first person he laid eyes on when he got hit with the pollen.

“The pollen wore off, doll. Come to bed. You tired me out,” he laughed and moved in hands gesturing you to come to him.

“Why are you still being weird then?” you smiled softly.

“Get your ass in bed with me so we can cuddle; fuck you’re so stubborn.”

“I’m just trying to figure out why you’re so obsessed with me all of the sudden,” you teased.

“Doll, I’ve been obsessed since I laid my eyes on you,” he said closing his eyes, which made you gasp dramatically.

“You were dating Sharon when we met!”

“Sh! Go to sleep,” he buried his face in your neck.

“Ugh, bad boy,” you playfully hit him.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll get even with ya next time, and we’ll see who’s being bad then,” he whispered sensually making you excited. Maybe the pollen wasn’t such a bad thing.

Taglist:

@mathletemadison

#steve rogers #steve rogers smut #steve x reader #steve x y/n #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve x you #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x female reader #dom!reader #sub!steve rogers #sex pollen #steve rogers sex pollen #marvel smut

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informationsorter · 4 years ago

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Let's talk about self diagnosing.

(This is purely a personal opinion piece.)

CW: Descriptions of hypothetical physical injury.

So I'm going to start off by immediately settling your minds - I believe self diagnosis can be both good and bad. I’m not here to judge, gatekeep, or vilify. *************************************************************

A quick overview of the sections: 3 problems/examples. 5 questions/opinions.

*************************************************************

Determining that you have an issue, does not mean that it is the only issue.

Lets start with a hypothetical example where the self diagnosis is obviously correct:

- You've fallen down the stairs. - You can see a bone sticking out of your leg. - You deduce that you have broken your leg.

This is almost certainly accurate, as there is no healthy explanation for the visible evidence.

However, this may not be the whole story.

What we’re really doing in this situation is identifying symptoms and possible/probably causes.

The symptoms are: - Pain. - Visible evidence of a broken bone. - Visible evidence of wounded skin. - Probably experiencing shock - Pale, cold, clammy skin. Shallow, rapid breathing. Anxiety. Rapid heartbeat. Etc.

The probable diagnosis: A broken leg bone.

When you arrive at the hospital, they will do an x-ray. They may discover additional injuries, for instance the bone may be broken in several places, a tendon may have been severed.

Their treatment of your issues relies on the full knowledge that they are able to learn via their tests. If they (somehow) were to treat only your broken bone and the flesh wound, you would likely end up with further health problems as the extra broken bones were not set properly, and the severed tendon would not heal on it's own.

This is a rather ridiculous example of course, but that's why I started with it.

You may believe that you know what the issue is, but if you do not have the right equipment/training, you may not be able to identify the full extent of the issue.

Even if you know what the issue is, you may not be able to determine the full impact of it.

For example: - You notice that whenever you eat citrus, your mouth and tongue start tingling/going numb. There may be also be symptoms such as sweating, feeling faint, swelling of lips/tongue. You conclude that you are allergic to citrus. You act on this by avoiding citrus. That’s all fine and reasonable. However, with this information you only know that you have a reaction to citrus. You don’t know the full extent. Are you mildly allergic? Are you at risk of anaphylactic shock? Sometimes you do not need to know the full extent (in this example you can simply avoid lemon). But sometimes you DO need to learn everything you can about it, in order to live the best life possible.

Especially when the issue is not something easily avoided such as a minor food allergy.

You might group all of your symptoms together, leading to you accidentally obscuring one issue by presenting it as another.

(An example using some of my own symptoms & past trauma experiences.)

You have diagnosed yourself with autism based on the following symptoms:

- Difficulty forcing eye contact with others.

- Inability to read the invisible social cues that neurotypical’s can see/read.

- Discomfort/anxiety in social settings / large groups.

- An extreme feeling of mental shutdown in response to loud noises/music.

These could indeed be symptoms of autism, however they can also be symptoms of other issues in play.

For instance, discomfort or anxiety in social settings could be due to an anxiety disorder.

The loud noises/music may mimic sounds from traumatic events - initiating flashbacks or fight/flight/freeze instincts.

You go to a therapist.

Your therapist listens to your concerns and symptoms, and looks for other explanations for these symptoms.

This is to ensure that the diagnosis they give you will be accurate, and thus the treatment you receive will be the most effective treatment possible for you.

If you did not go to the therapist with this, you may have been able to deal with the autism symptoms fairly well, but the anxiety and PTSD would go untreated. Your problems would not go away, because you weren’t treating ALL of your issues.

When do I believe it is acceptable to self diagnose without seeking professional verification of your self diagnosis?

- When the issue/symptoms do not affect your life in any substantial way;

- When the issue is self evident;

- When there is no indication that there is an unseen element;

- When the issue does not require urgent or extensive treatment.

Eg: Mild allergy to citrus, which can easily be avoided in your daily life.

In this sort of case, I believe it is important to stay aware of the symptoms and immediately seek a professional opinion if there is a change in severity, frequency, or perceived cause, of these symptoms.

Eg: One day you have a drink that had a lemon wedge on the rim, and the symptoms are far stronger, or appear far sooner, than they used to.

Or:

One day you have the same reaction, but you did not consume any citrus.

When do I believe that it is helpful to ask a professional to confirm/refute your self assessment?

Always.

There may be situations where the professional can’t offer any treatment (eg: a mild food allergy, where avoiding it is all that can be done). But if you feel anxiety over the uncertainty of it, and you want a professional assessment, diagnosis, or testing, you are of course entitled to it.

Whether it pinpoints a cause, or rules out a cause, finding out for sure will increase the chances of you receiving appropriate treatment.

Additionally, professional tests and assessments can identify previously unnoticed symptoms and/or issues.

(Such as additional injuries in example 1, or separate disorders in example 3.)

Do I believe that you should tell your health professional that you have self-diagnosed / self-assessed your symptoms?

Yes.

Especially with mental health issues, where your therapist’s assessment of you may be affected erroneously by them noticing that you are holding something back.

They may believe you are uncomfortable with them, or have some trust issues which you may not have.

If you simply tell your therapist that you have recorded your symptoms and searched for answers on your own, the therapist will be able to make a more accurate assessment of you.

It also gives them a good starting point, as they immediately know that the issue is concerning to you, and that you are ready to seek help for it.

Any health professional worth their training should be able to understand that you seeking explanations for your symptoms is natural, and should be willing to look into something that you are concerned about.

Eg: I told my GP (physical health doctor) that I was concerned about a specific lung condition which seemed to fit symptoms that I had been experiencing for over a decade. He listened, he asked further questions, he performed tests for the condition I had brought up, and he performed tests for other possible explanations.

In the end he determined that I did not have that condition, and we went from there.

Why do health professionals dislike self-diagnosis?

The issue with self diagnosis is that a patient can become convinced that they have something that they do not actually have.

This can lead to the patient: - Misinterpreting symptoms - Ignoring symptoms which do not fit their self-diagnosis - Unintentionally manifesting somatic symptoms which fit the self-diagnosis (this refers to a patient believing they have a condition, and their body beginning to show those symptoms. This is not the same as purposefully faking.) - Refusing testing for something other than their self-diagnosed issue - Refusing to accept that there may be a different issue - Refusing to accept that there may be additional issues - Resorting to self-help remedies which may be ineffective or actively dangerous to the patient

They aren’t just being difficult or elitist - they are concerned that your self-diagnosis may impact their ability to accurately diagnose and help you.

This is a particular concern when the health professional doesn’t know you well enough to be able to determine how much your belief will impact your symptoms, or whether you will be open to treatment if they determine a diagnosis which conflicts with your self-diagnosis.

Your health professional has YOUR health and safety in mind.

(If you believe this isn’t true, you should seek a second opinion.)

Should your health professional just accept your self-diagnosis?

It is your therapist’s duty to independently assess your symptoms, and possible causes for those symptoms.

It is not an attack on you, it is not a sign of distrust.

Think of it like scientists - they don’t just say “oh well that guy’s experiment showed these results, so they must be correct.” They go out and duplicate the experiment to check their results against the original results.

Yes, it’s not a perfect metaphor. No two people’s life experiences are the same. No two people’s brains will react identically to the same thing.

But the spirit is the same - in both cases, doing the extra work is to ensure that the stated result is accurate, NOT to discredit or demean the person who originally stated it.

What if you are certain you have a certain issue, and will not be persuaded otherwise?

I urge you to rethink this, and open your mind.

You want to heal from whatever it is that is interfering with your best life.

You want answers.

You want validation that such-and-such issue isn’t a personal failing but a neuro-divergency.

Those are great goals, but the best way to find the truth is to be open to explanations that you may not like.

And the only way to know it’s the truth, is to be honest and objective about yourself.

#CW: Descriptions of hypothetical physical injury.#did #osdd #self diagnosis #therapy #actuallydid #actuallyosdd #actually neurodiverse #actually autistic #actually multiple #long post

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arcticfox007 · 4 years ago

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Suptober Day 1: Harvest

This is my first time doing Suptober and I probably won’t do every day (and am already a day late) but I thought it would be a good creativity boost and looking through all the other work it seemed like a lot of fun! Thanks to @winchester-reload for organizing this :)

Check it out on AO3!

Castiel hadn’t meant to overhear the conversation. He was supposed to be on break, but had volunteered to reset room 5 for the next patient because he knew his friend Alex had been in dire need of a break. Cas was only a volunteer, spending his junior year of college shadowing various medical professionals to get a better idea of what a career in medicine would really be like. When Alex had suggested shadowing one of the doctors she worked with, he’d readily agreed, knowing that his friend spoke highly of both Dr. Barnes and Dr. Fitzgerald.

He’d already spent the past few hours shadowing Dr. Fitzgerald (or Garth as he insisted on being called) and had seen enough to realize that Family Medicine was understaffed and struggling to do the best they could for their patients given the absurd constraints on their time. Garth was currently seeing a patient who didn’t want a stranger in the room, so the doctor had told Cas to grab some lunch. Cas had intended to do just that when he saw Alex making frantic phone calls at the front desk. When she’d hung up, she’d looked at the end of her rope, explaining to Can that one of the other nurses called out and she couldn’t find anyone to cover for them.

Which is how Cas ended up in room 5 wiping down the surfaces and pulling a new paper cover over the bed. Cas knew all about patient privacy, but really, the conversation easily carried into the room when the man who must be one of Dr. Barnes patients had decided to continue talking to her out in the hallway. The man had a compelling voice and by the time Cas realized he was eavesdropping it was too late to avoid it as leaving room 5 now would have only made the unsuspecting patient realize he’d been overheard.

“Um, and, I’m really sorry about this doc, but I probably can’t afford the bill for today’s services right away.”

“Dean, just call Meg like I told you. Our pharmacy here is amazing at finding co-pay cards for these types of medications.”

“I will talk to her, I swear. It’s just when we had to switch insurance plans the new one says the co-pay for that grade of medicine is $100 a dose. I’m honestly not sure I can make that work Dr. Barnes.”

“I understand, but you need this medicine Dean. Your RA will flare right back up without it. If that happens you eventually won’t be able to work at all. Even skipping doses is ill-advised, letting the inflammation persist could eventually cause permanent damage to your joints.”

“I get it doc, I do, but $400 a month? It’s basically choosing between eating and my ability to move without pain.”

“Dean, just talk to Meg. We will figure something out. At least promise me you’ll take the Humira every other week. I know it didn’t manage your symptoms well at the lower dose before, but it was still better than letting the RA go untreated.”

Dean must have responded to Dr. Barnes in some way Castiel couldn’t hear, because after a few moments the sound of footsteps echoed down the hallway, fading as they moved towards the front desk. Cas hurried out of room 5, the trash bag hanging unnoticed from his wrist. His heartbeat sped up as he worried that he wouldn’t catch a glimpse of “Dean” before he left the office. Cas didn’t really know what he was planning on doing, just that he couldn’t stand the thought of this man resigning himself to pain all because the healthcare industry was such an awful mess that it would burden someone with choosing food over medicine. Something about the way Dean had sounded reminded him so much of his sister, Anna, right before she had left Castiel forever. That feeling drew Cas forward to meet a man he didn’t know. Cas couldn’t solve Dean’s money problems, Cas couldn’t force the government to change how healthcare was run in the country, Cas couldn’t even make Dean’s medical issues any better – but he could meet this man and maybe make him smile for a moment. Maybe, if he was brave enough, he could offer him some sort of friendship so maybe he would have one more person to help him through his struggles. Cas had been too young to understand how alone Anna must have felt but he knew more about it now. Helping people like Anna was what had drawn Cas to medicine in the first place.

Turning the corner Cas was startled to see what could only be a 6-foot flannel-wearing freckled god. The man was Hollywood beautiful and for a moment Cas forgot what had brought him rushing around the corner in the first place. The sound of Alex pointedly snapping her fingers brought Castiel back to reality as he broke of his inappropriate staring. He felt his skin heat up rapidly as he blushed.

“Did you finish room 5, Castiel?” Alex stared at him expectantly. Silently, Cas handed over the trash bag and muttered something about taking his lunch break outside. Too embarrassed by his very obvious admiration of the man that must have been Dean, Cas didn’t think he could talk to him in front of Alex. He rushed out the front door in the hopes that the autumn air would help him pull himself together. He didn’t know why he’d felt so compelled to talk to a man who’s private and very personal conversation he’d overheard. He was almost glad that his humiliating gawking had saved him from speaking to the guy. After all, what would he have said anyway? The air alone wasn’t helping Castiel’s composure, so he began pacing in front of the building.

“I mean how do you go up to a stranger and tell them they aren’t alone and that good things do happen? It’s not like it wouldn’t embarrass the guy to know I overheard him talking about his money problems…” Cas froze as he heard someone clear their throat behind him.

“Uh, hey man. I actually came out to ask you something else, but I think this just got awkward.” Cas took a deep breath already knowing it was Dean standing behind him. Cas’ habit of muttering to himself when anxious had gotten him into trouble on more than one occasion, but never quite as badly as this felt. Sadly, his fervent wish to turn invisible on the spot was being ignored by the universe and he found himself staring into striking green eyes while wondering how he could possibly salvage this situation.

“H-hello Dean. I’m Castiel, and I can’t apologize enough for overhearing your conversation with Dr. Barnes. I swear it wasn’t intentional, I was cleaning out the room you were standing near and – “

“Whoa, hold up buddy. I’m not mad or anything. I mean, it wouldn’t be my topic of choice to start chatting up the hot new guy at my doctor’s office, but you clearly work in healthcare, I’m sure you’ve heard the same thing from lots of folks.” Cas’ brain froze a bit when Dean referred to him as hot, but then it caught up with what he was actually saying.

“Er, actually I’m just shadowing Dr. Garth for the day, but yes, I have heard stories like yours. My sister, Anna, went through something similar. That’s why I wanted to say something to you but wasn’t sure what. Then I actually saw you and, well, you saw. I’m not really good with subtlety. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable.” Dean threw his head back with a barking laugh and Cas found himself staring at the beautiful man yet again.

“Having someone like you checking me out definitely doesn’t make me uncomfortable. If it makes you feel better, I came out hoping to ask if you’d be interested in going to the Harvest Festival tonight. I have to work for a bit at my store’s booth but if you were free around 7, I’d love to talk with you more. Even if it’s just whatever you wanted to talk to me about before.” Dean smiled flirtatiously at Cas, and there was no way to resist that.

“Yes, I’d love to! Where should I meet you?”

They exchanged information quickly, and parted ways with matching smiles. Cas would get his chance to tell Dean how his sister gave up her fight with cancer because she knew her treatments were bankrupting the family. He’d tell him how he’d was hoping to be a doctor himself one day to maybe help someone else like Anna win their fight despite the shitty healthcare system. He’d also tell Dean that he’d chased him down the hall because he’d desperately wanted to tell him that maybe they were strangers, but that he hoped Dean didn’t give up and that he’d be willing to be there for him if having a friend would help.

Now though, Cas thought maybe he’d already made Dean’s day a bit brighter, and he looked forward to getting to know the handsome man better. Maybe his impulse to offer his friendship to a stranger wasn’t as insane as it first seemed, and if Castiel was reading things right perhaps friendship wasn’t the only thing they had to offer one another.

#suptober21 #arcticfox007writes #Destiel #Destiel fanfic #castiel #dean winchester #supernatural fic #yeah I know I barely worked in the prompt #my bad

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