#pretty sure i made him up tbh
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At this point I often forget which parts of Destiny lore I know are actual canon or just from a very good fanfiction, like-
Do guardians live in their ships instead of The City?
Did Andal Brask use fancy soaps?
WAS TEVIS LARSEN EVER REAL???
#pretty sure i made him up tbh#at this point#anything's real if you're delusional enough#destiny 2#destiny the game#andal brask#tevis larsen
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someone said gwaine was MERLIN’s knight rather than arthur’s and now I’m sobbing like yea………..yea :’)
#every major decision he made revolved around merlin tbh#like he respects arthur sure but merlin is why he stays#geez maybe merwaine is who I need to be shipping like hdkfgmfndj#I also like mercelot but I think merwaine is slightly better??#lancelot knowing about merlin’s magic is pretty high up on the list#but that’s also why I think gwaine would have actually been pretty perfect as another person to know#afaik he didn’t particularly have any issues with magic at least early on#it would have been perfect#it’s also pretty perfect that even without knowing merlin’s magic he comes along with him on his solo quests#just purely by trusting him#sigh…….i love them#merwaine#bbc merlin#shrew's text posts
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Childhood Antecedents of Multiple Personality - Richard P. Kluft
Q.10 Have you ever gotten angry at other people? I don't think I've gotten angry before. Isn't it kind of disgraceful to get angry?
#milgram#mikoto milgram#Mikoto#mikoto posting#im pretty sure i actually read a lot of this book awhile back but. well. the dissociation do be dissociating bc i dont remember 95% of it#BUT! i DO remember this one specific excerpt!!!! i remember thsi very well#and i remember when i first saw this interro answer i was immediately reminded of this excerpt#but i couldnt remember Where i had seen it so i thought maybe i was just going crazy or something and had made it up--#BUT I FINALLY FOUND IT#''however she had two alternates--'' TRIKOTO CONFIRMED!!??! 😱🤯 /j#tbh mikoto is kinda funny bc he seems fake as shit (and i mean. ig technically he is) and ppl clown on him for it#but in reality he just has DID and doesn't even know hes being fake 😭#its really funny bc its very relatable#mikoto: ive never really gotten angry i dont think :0#john beating up someone behind him with a bat in pure unfiltered rage: so true mikoto youre perfect sweetie
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trouble in.. paradise?
you may not want to be here my friend.
#see i didn't think it would happen this way#hell i had dialogue written out for a story post#but?!#this was 100% autonomous i only made her buy drinks and watch NYE tv#just sitting at my pc at 4 in the morning cackling like a witch while watching the circus#simblr#starsignchallenge#in my mind she initiated the midnight kiss as revenge not thinking it'd ever go this far#bc river has already accepted that there's no room for him in her life or even their son's life; everything that happened was just#a mistake and a moment of weakness on both of their ends.#she was not expecting anything drastic to come out of it. especially not a whole child./!@#it happened Off ScreenTM bc i wasn't sure if i was even gonna follow that storyline but like. well. tbh why not#raf is a bit of a pushover and lived in conscious denial for years but suspected something was up when his son came out green eyed#LMAO#also she looks so pretty. sorry bisexual moment. im looking respectfully.
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behold! a beast!
#two refs bc i didnt know which one was better for visibility#anyway! this guy! if you remember him uh. congrats! you're either a very old follower or saw him from some sketches i posted#this guy has been living rent free in my head for years#im pretty sure he either precedes even sihika and shire? either that or i made him slightly later than them#dont remember tbh#anyway. the little guys around him are spirits! he nurtures and protects them :)))#hes usually found around lakes (more specifically spirit lakes (which are. Lakes. Where spirits reside. Incredible ikr))#but if you see him you either SOMEHOW fucked up REALLY badly or uh. He likes you i guess#he only goes in his true form when angry#otherwise he stays in the common one bc he doesnt want to scare the ghosts/people/whatever#im done yapping i swear#tahokk#btb - beyond the blizzard#did i ever use this tag#who knows probably not#oc stuff#tamyart#oc ref
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Books of 2024: ORDINARY MONSTERS by J. M. Miro.
Swinging from a teeny tiny read (A SHINING) to this behemoth, which weighs in at 658 pages (that's like. uh. nine (9) SHININGs, never mind about the word density per page).
Did I know this is the first book in a trilogy? No. Did I know the trilogy is not yet complete?? Also no. Will that stop me from reading it now anyway??? Wow, you guessed it: No.
I'm always down books featuring corvids in the cover art and kids with mysterious powers, AND the "man made of smoke" that the jacket promises sounds Very Intriguing. All I know going into this book is what the jacket tells me, though, so I'm excited to be surprised!
#books#books of 2024#ordinary monsters#jm miro#book photography#my photography#okay yes listen#LISTEN!!#i may or may not also have bumped this up the list because a.) the shadowy man made me think of Welcome and#b.) i think there's dimensional fuckery of some sort???#i'm not totally sure but i think i saw a page shot of it somewhere#and yeah the random bit i flipped to in my flipping mentioned being afraid of a hotel and that's uuuuh. relevant#AND it's stylized like NORRELL AND STRANGE and i did love that#i got a new hardback as a remaindered copy for like. $12.#that's pretty good and i had a coupon so i figured Might As Well#i really am hoping i get some driscoll vibes out of this too tbh#it's on my Driscoll Adjacent Stack anyway so we'll see if that's real#i was not feeling particularly inspired with this photo but i was also racing fading daylight and tbh i don't hate how it turned out??#can never go wrong with a tree and some greenery i think#a slug started crawling up my ankle as i took this though which was ????#dude where did you COME from i was WEARING SHOES!!!#YOU WERE SO SMALL!!!#he's outside again now don't worry#(i may or may not have noticed him until i was inside but. now he's outside)
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Do u not ship tatum and brown 💔
#ur answer#LMFAO TO BE SRS THO#i do ship them but i also dont#like i like the ship i think it's rlly cute#i just dont feel the urge to write for it myself or comment on it#ill see pics of them and be like aww!! the cuties!! married !#but like thats all tbh#i dont have the personal compulsion to explore their relationship in depth on my own time#now that dowsnt mean i know nothing abt them. i know bits n pieces but only from moots#not from research done on my own accord#and bcs i dont have that solid backbone to play off of#i dont feel comfortable personally to write stuff for them if what im mainly playing off of are small bits#to make a big whole thing#then ill feel like it's a disservice to those that DO know the whole thing so i just leave it to the more experienced ya feel?#theres a lot of blogs who DO do that research and thats awesome! i do research too! judt on other things#everyone has their own cups of tea they like to sip and they like to down#i like to sip on some ships but ull Know when i down a ship bcs . ya. ill be the iceberg baby#it's like my opinion on favs like zach lavine#hes pretty and i can see the reason for being a fan but personally im just a fan of other things !#a bigger fan* i mean. i like him. but do i LIKE like him? cant say for sure bcs i havent made the effort to get to know him fr#and i dont feel the need to bcs i just dont and thats ok! no need to make any violent defense up when theres none needed#altho i do feel like sometimes a ship like jt and jb can run the risk of the curry lebron thing where#a lot of ppl jump into writing it bcs pretty light man paired with powerful seeming/looking dark man = wowziezowa#and thats all it ever is to them#so i Do tend to avoid Some media of it. but again. unforch. this follows a Lot of the popular ships between a light complex&dark one#do i think theyre super cute ? yes! do i find their found family adorbs! ofc! in a way i ship them and in a way i dont#i am just a creature at the end of the day#soggy :(
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Old ass oc that looks so very prehevilcore
#His backstory is extremely funger too#Note: i wrote this when i was 12 probably#Basically he went insane for whatever reason i forgor why exactly and killed a guy who was suspected of serial killings and the guy killed#His sister and he like cooked up the guy and served it to his family or smth and he was eventually tried and deemed criminally insane so he#Was sent to a mental ward where they did NOT help his mental situation#He was abused regularly by the staff and other patients and grew more and more violent as his mental started to deteriorate further#He was drugged up to keep him from attacking people but that resulted in him getting extreme hallucinations that made him claw his eyes out#So#Yeah#Im also pretty sure last time i touched this character i decided to make him a weird immortal ghoul thing that forever haunts the institute#But i dont really remember#Or care too much about him tbh#But i might rework him in the future to funger him up#Fear and hunger#Fear and hunger oc#Fear and hunger termina
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Why is Wilson the only male character in Don't Starve Together who can grow a beard so magnificent it keeps him warm?
I'm so glad you asked! My wife has a theory and it is the correct theory and I will accept no substitutes:
You see, Wilson is Trans, and despite having other ways he could have accessed testosterone, he considered himself enough of a scientific genius to create his own Super Testosterone (patent pending) to speed up the process!
The good news is, it worked!
The bad news is it does bring about what Wilson dubbed "Super Puberty," and he still has the acne scars to prove it!
Also, he now grows such an intense beard that it can keep him warm in the cold!
Which was mostly just a nuisance that involved spending a lot of time and money on high-quality shaving kits, but it became a lot more useful once he suddenly had to survive in the wilderness!
#original#I came up with the idea of super puberty but otherwise this is all Ryan's ideas#dst#wilson dst#super testosterone also made him grow several inches and dropped his voice so deep that it scared people because it sounded demonic#so he had to whip up another thing specifically to return his voice to a regular human level just so people stopped running away from him#don't starve#don't starve together#wilson p. higgsbury#of course the voice heightening potion made his voice too high so then he had to make another voice deepening invention#and all in all it was a very weird month#Wilson don't starve#Woody is also trans but he took normal fucking testosterone so his beard grows at a regular rate and density#pretty sure they're all trans actually tbh#woody dst#woody don't starve#we can thus infer that Wilson probably has a massive cock 😅#BUT NOT AS BIG AS WILLOW'S#ahem. thank you for coming to my TED Talk there will be no refunds.#Wilson basically didn't go in public for the first month he was on testosterone because he briefly turned into a Wolfman#a tragic downside however of super testosterone is it does nothing for your muscles absolutely nothing.#so Wilson is still a pathetic wimp. just the way I like him. XD
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we used to be a Decent village.....they used to bring at least one original band and a cover band for la nit de foc i rock&roll..... maybe even two original bands..... now if we are lucky they bring two cover bands.... three if theyre feeling spicy😭😭😭
#and we have our resident dj whos actually made it big and im pretty sure works at catalunya radio#they bring him for ALL the parties. we had a big party like a month ago and of course they hired him#and i think the last one that was done in the village as well#and for festa major??? hes been performing at our fm for at least 5 years but probably for longer#hes ok ig hes not too bad.....#im just gonna be up to my ears in trumpets from before that and idk if i want that tbh :/#z xarre
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well that was something
#angryborzois rambles#holy shit this is a long story#basically as a class we all went to this historic place on the top of a mountain (we had to do a long hike to get up there)#and a friend and i decided to stay afterward to mess around#my friend wanted to reenact kny scenes so i was like ok lets do it (shh we're idiots with zero brain cells)#and the place was pretty cool to hang out in soo why not#but soon it started thundering in the distance so we decided to start heading down the mountain#it was all shits and laughs until we made it down the mountain (tho we heard a weird noise once and got scared bc what if its a boar)#once down the mountain we had to navigate the woods around the area to get to the station#it was a very long route and on top of that it started pouring heavily#and anyway we walked for a long ass time in the rain when we encountered a suspicious person#it didnt help that before we saw this guy we saw a poster for a wanted criminal in the area#the guy was way ahead of us but we sensed bad vibes from him so we tried to let him walk ahead but he just...waited for us??#(he was in the direction we needed to go)#for a couple minutes we tried to trail way behind him but every time we stopped to let him walk on he would suddenly stop and stall#after a while we completely stopped for a few minutes to observe and in response he hid in the bushes?? so we decided something was def up#we were very alarmed and we quietly snuck out of his view and then ran for it#i genuinely worried that maybe we were gonna get killed in these woods#we backtracked a little and took a different path that went in the direction we needed to go#i was a little concerned because at one point the path had an intersection that merged with the first path we were in#but i didnt want to risk cutting through pure woods and i wanted to be at the very least on an animal trail than anything so no choice ig#and so we quietly snuck past the intersection but thankfully no one was around#a few minutes after that we heard a weird radio voice?? so we freaked out and ran the rest (prob unrelated but u can never be too sure)#and after a while of pure stress we made it out of the woods and to civilization#i was drenched but oh boy i was so happy#my friend and i agreed though that it was fucked up that we had to be more scared of a human than the wilderness#but everything after that was fine#im honestly glad it was pouring though because i think it helped cover the sounds of us getting away#well tbh i have a feeling he prob saw us get away but just didnt bother chasing bc the paths were muddy as hell and he was kinda far#but yeah that was def smthing
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#it's... really interesting working around these parts sometimes#i'm pretty sure only myself and 1 other person actively go to church from my work#but there's a real undercurrent of faith which is sometimes lowkey syncretist and sometimes pops up unexpected#tbh sometimes a stronger belief in the supernatural than my own#today in the staff meeting one of our nurses said 'hey i can feel we're all drained the energy in this room is not what it was we're all#burned out post covid#so i called a chaplain this morning can we get him in to bless the building'#and like. the ultimate reason she made this happen was our coworker broke her arm yesterday#like i think she had been feeling it for a while but was like 'right i need to make this happen'#...not something i would have expected as a solution?#the particular name she mentioned is a retired minita in the haahi mihinare church who happens to be a patient here#sure?
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It seems like everyone is scared to acknowledge the fact that Norton drugged Alice in the chamber and then turned into scary monster Norton.... Ppl look at Norton and all their feminism flies out the window.
#tbh i thiiiiiink#he went there to kill her in the first place#bc he accepted a job to kill some girl#which he kept trying to convince himself was morally okay bc shes rich#and norton hates rich ppl (valid)#and im pretty sure it was the journalist...#but also it seemed like orpheus was trying to help him??#but there was like that short disorented flash where he strapped her to that chair#and made her drink that psychedelic drug#and then after she drank it he didnt look like normal norton anymore#anyways#i think character analysis on his would be so much more.... dimensional#if ppl stopped acting like hes just some innocent victim#like he can be a victim and a perpetrator at the same time#thats one of the reasons i love him so much bc...#it shows both sides#a real look at what being the victim of an abusive world can do to someone whos not willing to lie down and take it#who bucks up as much if not more than the ppl/systems abusing him#but in the process of doing that#he becomes the perpetrator to other peoples victimhood#and its just an evil cycle#its what his character is all about#thats why hes always so evenly split as someone to be pitied but also someone to be judged#ive written so many lost analysis' about him#the only thing i have left is a nortnaib fic i wrote as a character study#which is so dead on to how hes been acting in the animations we get of him
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Poked my head into some of @mysticdragon3md3′s thoughts regarding popularity with DimiClaude fanon and am happy to say I’m here to Talk (tee em).
I also saw the post from the user saying why they were falling out of love for the ship, and... yeah. The people they’re talking about, the generalized group of people who do certain things, definitely bother me as well.
I love that you pointed out Claude is not flirty and is just playful. It’s not the DimiClaude fandom alone unfortunately with that though - it’s the entire fanbase that views him as a flirt. And, according to Twitter, a slut. Yeah. Yeah. I know what they... “mean”... but it is still not him.
Them being annoyed with each other is also fanon and a very strange one. Never in Houses did Dimitri come across as being annoyed or bothered by him. In fact, they have friendly banter! Dimitri doesn’t get specifically exasperated at Claude, but that’s just more so how he is as a person and he sometimes doesn’t understand playfulness. That said, he does not berate Claude the way he berates others. There’s one instance I can think of where he berated Claude and that was in the DLC when they were talking to Aelfric for the first time.
In Hopes, same deal in AG. In fact, he’s quite fond of Claude in AG. GW itself was a well discussed mess in a lot of ways, and even then as a ship they didn’t have a lot of negativity. If nothing else it was an odd opposite, because even as enemies when Claude admitted he couldn’t defeat Dimitri alone, Dimitri just basically laughed, smirked and walked away. That’s like... the worst of their relationship in GW and it’s extremely mellow.
I think part of the problem some dmcl fans are facing are the fanon version of the ship rather than what they’re like in canon. It is definitely true that part of the dmcl fandom has absolutely warped the ship into being something it really isn’t and never was in canon. There’s also this whole thing about Dimitri being the dominant, feisty one with Claude being the uwu blushy one and it’s just... not them. Not as a pair canonically, and not individually. When Dimitri gets “dominant”, he’s, uh, not in a good mental state. It’s a mental illness that makes him like that and personally I’ve never appreciated seeing people use it for a kink for a ship. Normally I’d say people can like what they want, but I get the feeling a lot of dmcl fans have absolutely pushed their views onto others and driven fans away.
I will also say have absolutely, 150% come across those kinds of fans. The ones who refuse to listen to anyone else, but if your headcanons don't vibe with them then you’re just completely “wrong”. Not only do they portray the canon characterization poorly if portraying it at all, but they tend to also bring it down a racist route, which is... beyond ironic considering they should be the last ship that deals with that based on their characters and stories.
Engage kinda went wonky with a good few things regarding the previous lords, so I don’t see Dimitri being like that as some kind of definite canon. Actually, even in Heroes their interactions are friendly and calm. The “worst” banter they had was their swim alts, while on the opposite end we have the brave alts who apparently hang out together outside of the castlegrounds, and for so long that they can’t be of any help in a search for someone (which like lol how long you gotta be gone to have no idea and can’t help at all lmao).
I think people see outside-Houses canon scenes like those and just... decide it’s their actual canon. Dimitri is not, in any way, actually mean to Claude in canon. That is unfortunately a very popular fanon. In Houses especially, when Dimitri doesn’t know Claude well in the mock battle he’s more like ummm hey Claude your defenses are open what are you even doing, more than being like ugh Claude you’re so annoying. In the real version of that mock battle though, a good few months had passed and their battle quotes are significantly more approachable and they clearly have respect for each other. Dimitri knows Claude likes to fuck around and be goofy sometimes, and he picked up on that and played along with it in the JP version (in the English version he simply picks up on it, but there’s no anger whatsoever and it’s just more oh okay I get it).
As far as Engage goes, ultimately I just see it more as an extremely condensed version of their mannerisms, and yes, they for some reason, especially in the localized versions, try to keep up the whole rival shtick when Dimitri never even felt that way about Claude, and he never gets truly annoyed at Claude. Ffs, in canon Dimitri literally drops everything after retaking his home from the Empire/TWS, and runs to go save Claude. Literally. The next day. While Claude is a little tsun about it (!), Dimitri is just “come on let’s go hurry hurry no slowing down pick up the pace we are saving Claude”, and that’s basically him the entire chapter except with the Arundel specific stuff. When he talks to Claude one on one, there is literally not a single shred whatsoever in any plausible way or in any damn universe any tension from Dimitri to Claude. He just wants to know he’s okay and relaxes once he knows Claude isn’t hurt. I mean literally, no, like... that’s them, in canon, in their Natural Habitat together and I have no fucking clue how the portrayal of them in fanon got so insanely warped beyond recognition.
Also, Engage kinda dropped the ball with a lot of stuff with the other lords. Hell, they’ve been unable to keep Ike’s character consistent throughout all of his non-canon appearances (Awakening didn’t seem too bad, but Fates was pretty awful for example. They can’t seem to really understand the character they’re writing anymore, and idk if it’s just because the writers have changed and such/aren’t the same as Tellius’ games had, or they just don’t care to keep him consistent).
They also try to make Sigurd sound wise and super helpful in every single solitary iteration of him outside of FE4 which is honestly just obnoxious as fuck lmao. Sigurd was naive, foolish, overly trusting, and far too kind and gentle for his own good. It ultimately was what led to him following orders blindly, having blind faith that his king was righteous and would give him the right orders (without realizing the court was very much in disarray during his absence and with several other prominent court figures away because of the war). Sigurd was too quick to believe in the good in humanity and that things would work out, and it led to him not realizing how wrong he was until it was way too late and he had to take shelter in a foreign country to avoid having to fight the same people’s armies who had the court’s ear.
Basically Sigurd is nothing like they write him to be in every. single. solitary. iteration. outside of FE4.
(SPOILER here just in case you care lol. Or anyone who is reading this. Or if you’re someone who somehow does not know about the biggest known spoiler in the whole game) He has one little section of potential dialogue (i.e. it’s triggered by a very specific condition) that shows somehow ghosty Sigurd has grown more wise and understanding ??? while being dead ??? and somehow learned while being dead that the world do be full of grief and Stuff. (END SPOILER)
So they pretty much took like, two lines of dialogue from FE4 and made it Sigurd’s entire fucking character forever in every single game he’s been in since. If nothing else, let that be your insight on never to trust content you see outside of a character’s original game. At that point it’s simply fanservice because they don’t even know their own characters. If they wanted to write even a semblance of Actual In Game Sigurd’s Personality And Not Two Lines Of Dialogue That Are Completely Optional And Quite Honestly HIDDEN, it would be very easy and reasonable to do so. They choose not to, and then we get what they did with Houses’ lords.
Another portrayal I see too often is that Dimitri and Claude... argue??? I won’t lie, their Heroes summer alts was the very first time they even seemed to “argue”, and it was mostly just goofy nonsense that means nothing because they’re literally alts in swimsuits, and it wasn’t really them being vicious at each other. Meanwhile in canon, they’re always very calm and able to talk through their problems - even in fucking Hopes in the GW route. Even in the worst possible circumstances for them to be in, that is, as enemies, they were still able to talk it through. Barring Claude’s written in idiocy so he could be a mouthpiece for Edelgard and do her bidding by invading the Kingdom (which was literally nothing but plot convenience because Actual Claude would’ve reasoned his way out of doing that), even in the worst possible situation, they still called a truce and still worked things out verbally, calmly and peacefully.
Point being, this whole cat fight dmcl portrayal isn’t even remotely close to their canon selves, and normally I’d say, you know, like what you want and enjoy your ships how you want... but it’s pretty much almost entirely the people who view the ship that way that uh, attack people who don’t agree with them or insult them/laugh at them for seeing the ship differently. These are the people who make you feel bad, for enjoying a fictional ship of two pixelated characters kissing, because you don’t like the concepts in their head more than the way you’ve interpreted the canonical characters.
To be totally frank, I have a visceral hatred for the fanon portrayal of dmcl because it makes Dimitri out to be terrible and makes Claude some kind of punching bag for Dimitri in various forms. There comes a point where it’s like, you ship something and then there’s the point where you ship two characters you made up in your head, who aren’t the same characters you first started to ship, because you’ve warped them so extensively that they became nothing but a person’s OCs with their faces and some similar backstory elements at best.
#DCB Comments#not sure what else to put this as but yeah... the dmcl fandom is not that large tbh and#what it does have is extremely divided and a lot of the fans can be completely ignorant of how poorly they handle Claude#especially in a franchise that already poorly handled him re: Hopes#but also I know exactly the kind of people you're talking about... and they're also hypocrites so.#they're the ones who shit on others for having different views of the same ship and decide you are inarguably ''wrong'' for your takes#also mind you if you call 'em out for that they get uwu mad and it spirals from there bc then they gotta vent to their#uwu friends who do the exact same things they do. can you tell I'm literally speaking from actual experience?! :D#like yeah I get it... a lot of the dmcl fandom in particular is gross about Claude#I personally prefer Dimitri as a character for a lot of reasons but when I began shipping them I didn't love Claude /as/ much as now#shipping them got me to look more into Claude as a person and I started loving him more as well#thanks to loving this ship I got to know him more and understand him more /and/ that made me love the ship more#also like it's one thing to have AUs and modern AUs in fics and stuff... bur just don't do... you know... things worth side eying#also if you have to change the dynamic of the ship to make it how you like it then you... probably don't actually like the ship itself#it's the same as with people warping characters to create a personality put onto a face#it's what a lot of Edel stans even do. they make up who they want her to be instead of seeing her for who she is#and they like the made up version of her more than the actual version so in that sense they don't really like who she is in the canon#not all of them are like that and some DO like her for who she is (which could be... arguably WORSE in her case lol)#but it's the same thing with ships. they alter the dynamic and just want to use the pretty faces#which by itself would be fine ig. confusing af to me but fine. not fine anymore though when it starts becoming an actual fandom problem#ppl take ''fandom drama' too lightly most often imo. I don't think ppl realize this kind of bullying over the internet#has a lasting impact and that seeing words on a screen doesn't make them any better or worse than how they'd be irl#in a sense it makes it more cowardly if anything bc ppl fear no repercussions for what they say :/
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Read tags at own risk
Very curious if this is a common experience (only answer skeleton if the first 3 don't apply)
#cw: death#my first real brush with what death was was when I was actually on my way from a funeral to the burial of one of my distant relatives#we were stuck in traffic and decided to move to another road to try and get around it#we actually ended up on an intersection we’re the accident happened#it much have happened only minutes prior#it was a crash with a white Honda civic and a motorcycle#the dude on the motorcycle was face down on the ground#his helmet was still in and his shoe was off#the asphalt was even darling around him and on a definite line behind him#I thought it was odd no one was around him#you know like checking on him to make sure we was okay#he was so still#and then my dad who was a police officer at the time said#“oh that guy is dead” and that’s when it hit me#that was the first time I ever realized that death comes for everyone#whether we are old young sick or healthy#it can come for you#I think it made me pretty morbid tbh#though I still get that deep pit in my stomach when thinking about#and I’m really not ready for it yet#I think I’ve mostly accepted that as a part of life#I mean momento mori is a thing for a reason#I think it’s an important reminder#so you can still live and be happy#to do the things you love#cause remember#one day you must die
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It’ll be Okay in the End
By: J
cw; selfharm, generally negative thoughts, blood (etc everything that comes with sh)
lopt essentially has a silent breakdown and mason comforts him or smth idk im not good at summeries,
[Note; this was wrote out of my own desperation for comfort, not romanizing sh, i do not encourage or believe anyone should do this to themselves, seek help.]
i uh, actually had a easier time writing this than most things, probably because ive been essentially replaying this whole scene in my head for literal years! i for once wasnt upset when i wrote this, i was very tired tho! uh i have alot more to say but hawaii part ii lopt is taking over my brain again, so im gonna go do that! have fun with my depressed 100% projected loptson ig!
•
lopt was in ‘his’ so called room, scribbling away at some paper,
mason was rather concerned, hearing frustrated noises constantly, what sounded like pencils breaking,
they had been “partners” officially for 3 months now, mason had always cared about lopt to an extent, partner or not, but this was… odd.
sure lopt had his own life, hobbies, but he didnt care to keep /that/ much from mason, especially whenever he asked,
but, this was different.
lopt had came home from wherever the fuck he was- hell if mason knew details- annoyed, he stormed off to some room, when mason tried to ask what was wrong he only blew him off saying that “its none of your fucking business, you wouldnt get it anyways”
•
lopt was scribbling away in his notepad, despite being a god and literally being immortal, he still couldnt force creativity to come to him,
it was his fifth time trying,
most drawings resulted in poorly scribbled out lines,
he had went out to try and get inspiration for “some project” though he didnt really /have/ anything to work on, starting a new drawing always seemed to be a block for him,
he sat down his broken (6b) pencil, (rather violently but he didnt want to acknowledge that) and got up, he knew somewhere in him, that he needed a break, he walked out of his room to get water, but his mind wouldnt leave him alone,
constant thoughts about how awful his art was spewed around
“youre not “talented”, youre worthless”
“itd be better to quit now”
“just rip up the damn papers, theyre ugly anyways”
“imagine- you could just go and alleviate all this pain, just with that knife-“
he tried to push down his thoughts,
grabbing a cup from the cabinet and filling it with water,
the knives in the butcher block seemed so… tempting,
most of him /knew/ that he shouldnt- that it was wrong, that mason would be disappointed- disgusted, if he found out about his thoughts,
but, he couldnt help it,
all memories of the nights he got up from their bed to take part in something that would disgust his partner made him sick.
questions runned through his head as he sipped on his water, leaning onto the counter
“would he be sad?”
“would he care?”
“would he call me names?”
“tell me how pathetic i am?”
“leave me?”
“would he hate me?”
“tell me how ugly my body is”
“tell me how he hates the scars”
“tell me just how much he despises me”
the voices grew louder wither every question,
saying that he wanted mason to hate him,
that he did hate him,
in the very back of lopts mind, in the tiniest corner, he knew it all wasnt true, that he was being dramatic over nothing,
but even then, the memories of all the times he loved someone- all the times he didnt question if they hated him, what they all said to him,
he felt like doubting himself was the only way to have them not leave,
to not abandon him,
he took a deep breath before sighing, realizing his cup was empty, he decided that he had enough of a “break” and that he needed to start “working” again,
•
mason was sitting on the couch, some random tv show playing for background noise, when lopt wasnt “there” it was almost too quiet, in a way, mason had grown to love how loud and chaotic the house was with lopt- even if thery were the only two people in it.
he seen lopt walk into the kitchen for around 8~ minutes before he trudged his way into his room once more,
he didnt know excatly as to what lopt was doing,
granted whatever it was had to have been important, he didnt usually spend 3+ hours in a room alone silently, it started to make him worry, was lopt sick? just why did he seem so upset when he came home? is he okay? did he hurt himself?
•
lopt sat down at his desk once more, staring at the scribbled page, a sphere, he couldnt figure out how to shade it properly on the background,
he sighed turning his attention to the top left drawer,
he stood up walking over to his dresser, pulling out another drawer, he took out a roll of bandages, and some tissues,
he knew that he shouldnt, that it was essentially pointless, that hed feel better soon enough,
but that fear crept back up,
“what about last time you didnt? remember? it got only worse because you didnt”
he rubbed the sides of his nose bridge, the voices were annoying, they knew that he was gonna, even without the encouragement.
he sat back down at his desk, sitting the tissues to his right and the badages to his left before pulling out the left hand drawer,
he rummaged through it, various miscellaneous items, before coming across a box,
a red box, seemingly quiet old, with yellow letters reading “do it” on the front,
he took one out, ‘unwrapping’ the razor blade,
straight edge,
he stared at it, contemplating just what hes doing with his life,
“i cant draw, i cant write, i cant make people happy, i cant make music, i can only recite the tales others have told, im worthless, im doless, i will never amount to anything or anyone in my life, god or not, human or not, this is deserved, if i cannot create, then i at lease deserve to bleed”
a mantra he told himself, attempting to poorly justify his actions,
•
mason listened at the door, hearing nothing, no pencil, no walking, almost no breathing, he didnt know everything about lopt, sure, but he knew that he didnt look well off, and what boyfriend would he be to his partner if he wasnt concerned?
they had an unspoken rule to always at least knock before walking into the others space, granted they had seen every part of each other, it was just a courtesy they had,
though, something felt off,
mason felt as if he shouldnt knock, that lopt was hiding something,
all those sleepless nights where lopt comforted him abundantly, he had felt him get up, a few times he had caught lopt in the basement, he didnt know just what he was doing, he always hid something,
he didnt want to break any boundaries sure, thatd be rude and disrespectful, but, he had a weird feeling in his gut that it was for lopts own saftey,
“please forgive me for this” he muttered to himself,
sharply inhaling before opening the door,
simply greeted by lopts back.
•
lopt heard the door open, he had three lines going diagonally down his right arm, bleeding, he fumbled the razor, dropping it onto the floor, it had gotten rather dark by now, so it probably wouldnt be seen, he attempted to get the tissues, he had always been a great liar,
“ill just say i accidentally cut myself, if he asks what i was doing with a weapon, ill deflect and say i was being stupid”
it seems like he fumbled the tissues for a bit too long.
“hey”
mason said over his shoulder,
he moved his left hand to cover the cuts,
“o-oh, hey, whats wrong?”
“hm, well, i mean nothing? i guess, what are you doing?”
“i- you guess? is something the matter?”
mason had noticed he was oddly covering his forearm,
“you ignored my question.”
“huh?”
“i asked what youre doing.”
masons tone sounded alot more pissed off, granted he wasnt, just concered more than anything,
“o-oh i um, ok dont laugh but uh- i was trying to draw”
“and why are you covering your arm? are you hurt?”
“i- huh? wh- no, no! i uh, may have also been playing with a blade and accidentally scraped myself, nothing much”
“let me see”
“what?”
“let me see your injury”
lopt was taken aback, all of his previous partners never asked to see his wounds, scars sure but never his wounds, even if they werent self inflicted, he was shocked, he hadnt planned for this.
“i- i assure you dear, it isnt anything to worry about-“
“let me see it. are you hiding something?”
in that moment lopt felt small, like a child almost, weak, helpless, he didnt know how he could get out of this without mason either finding out or being suspicious of him.
“i- here”
lopt moved his left arm to mason, there were a few small cuts on it, though rather old looking,
lopt moved his right arm off the table, into the shadows to not call attention to it.
“uh huh, now the other?”
lopt seen his eternal life flash before his very eyes.
his mind went on autopilot and raised his right arm, he usually would fight but, he knew itd be pointless, mason would just worry more, thus making him keep a closer eye on lopt, he didnt want to feel selfish, not like that,
“oh my, i- oh my god,”
mason was shocked, he had suspected that lopt had hurt himself in the past, granted the scars,
but, he didnt think he still did it, sure the weird behavior, but it never really dawned on him until that moment.
.
mason had brought (more like dragged) lopt to the bathroom, running the slits under cool water, putting pressure to hopefully get the bleeding under control, he opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out another roll of bandages,
he stood behind lopt washing the blood off, still slightly in shock,
“why?”
“huh?”
“why do you do this?”
masom questioned, fully aware of the long list lopt was about to give out,
“i- well, i dunno..”
lopts voice trailed off before starting again,
“i mean, i dont even know why i do this, it just feels good? like i can do something right? it makes me feel like im not worthless”
mason hummed for a second before choosing his words
“do you feel normally that youre worthless?”
“i guess so, i dont know why, i have the best boyfriend, my life is great, i just dont know..”
“mmhm, what were you trying to draw?”
“i dont know. does it matter?”
lopt shot back
“well, you seemed frustrated at it, so im sure it’s important to you yeah? so then it’s important to me”
mason brought his hands around lopts wrist, rubbing it slightly attempting to calm him down
“i- i dont know, i just, i feel frustrated, so i tried to draw, but drawing makes me feel more frustrated, so i did this- an- and n-now-“
lopt began to stutter, tears swelling up in his eyes, mason had only seen him cry on a few occasions,
“shh- shh its okay, i know what youre saying, breath, okay?”
lopt inhaled deeply, feeling masons left hand move to wipe the tears away,
he didnt even know why he was crying,
mason bandaged lopts arm slightly tight,
“shh, now, you wanna talk about this? or wait a little bit longer to calm down?”
“c-calm down”
“alright alright, shh youre okay, see?”
mason lead lopt into his bedroom, taking lopts hand under the covers as he had done for him every sleepless night,
lopt could feel his eyelids starting to droop, the warmth of his boyfriend comforting him, the love of his boyfriend comforting him,
he shoved his head into masons chest, finding it to be the most comfortable spot out of the entire bed,
mason ruffled his hair, slowly stroking his hand on his neck,
“y’know, you may be a god,
and you may be immortal, but,
ill be with you for as long as you need, in this life and after”
lopt didnt respond, just slightly nodded his head before burrying it deeper into masons chest,
maybe tonight wasnt so bad after all,
spending time with mason- no, his boyfriend, was never bad.
lopt faded in and out of sleep, trying to fight the melatonin being produced, just to feel the sweet touch of his boyfriends skin, before he completely felt himself drift away, he heard him speak,
“I love you, i love you so much, never forget that, in this life and the next, ill always love you, lopt.”
#j writes badly#no beta we die like jirou#WOOHOO 2.056 WORDS WORTH OF DEPRESSION YIPPE!#im pretty sure this is the longest ive wrote tbh#ironic bc a 300 word ‘essay’ is still so hard for me to do 💀#actually kinda proud of this. i might make a follow up. prob not tho#im not the best a writing comfort.#j funfact; i was originally gonna write mason talking to lopt and comforting him a whole lot more but i got really tired while doing so and#fell asleep#YES THE RAZOR BLADE BOX IS A REFRENCE TO MY OWN. I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANOTHER RAZOR BLADE BOX IN MY LIFE OKAY??#im realising how my irl weapons seep into mt writing more rhan it should#unironically i barely had to correct my own spelling which js werd bc like.#i was tired?? and i generally dont type well??#ahh whatever tho i wont complain#another j funfact; i made the excat drawinf i described lopt making when i was thinking of how to make this all work!#this is also originally titled ‘harsh reality’#but i think im gonna save that for another time#OKOK ILL HUSH NOW HAVE FUN IG??#(the url/link for this one is funny i swear)#HI EDITING 13:48 J HERE.#THR WHOLE THINT ABT “i didnt have to correct much” WAS A FUCKING LIE DEAR LOPT#THERE IS SO MANY MISTAKES#THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING EMBARRASSING OH YM GOD#I FIXED MOST OF THEM I THINK 😭😭 OH YM GOD NEVER LET ME BE CONFIDENT ABT NOT FUCKING UP AGAIN THIS NEVER WORKS OUT#HHHHHG THERE WAS SO MANY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IM ACTUALLY IRL EMBARRASSED 😭
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