#prepare right now to be sick of me
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PECABETHS FIRST CHEEK KISS IS COMING HOME
#prepare right now to be sick of me#im going insane#AND WE STILL GET MORE#percabeth#percy jackson#annabeth chase#percy and annabeth#pjo#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson the lightning thief#pjo tv#percy series#pjo tv show#walker scobell#leah sava jeffries#leah jeffries#percy jackson sea of monsters
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Till has to have known Ivan had a crush on him right. He's not that oblivious. He didn't think Ivan was trying just to bro it out with him like bros do right. He didn't think they were just pals palling around. He didn't think that his very much straight friend Ivan was just asking for a kissy right.
I feel like this Alien Stage Friday post is going to come back to haunt us later
THIS ALIEN STAGE FRIDAY IS GONNA HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!1!!
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Honestly, I don’t know WHAT is rattling around in Till’s skull.
He may not know that Ivan likes him in the same way that he likes Mizi, but I hope he doesn’t think this is average bro behavior 💀
Kissing your guy friends isn’t just “guys being dudes” Till! That’s guys being gay!! (Or bisexual, at the very least)
And also, what the FUCK Ivan?!?
You think the guy who considered KISSING YOU as a BIRTHDAY PRESENT doesn’t care about you AT ALL????? 🤨
Till wasn’t in Anakt Garden chatting it up with fucking Acorn like “Yeah bro when’s your birthday? I’ll kiss you on the mouth as a gift, no tongue tho.” IT’S JUST YOU.
If any other guy even thought about asking Till to kiss them, he would probably punch their lights out. Actually, I’m surprised he didn’t punch YOUR lights out!!
But the fact that he didn’t means SOMETHING!!!
You think Till wouldn’t be TRAUMATIZED over you SACRIFICING YOURSELF FOR HIM after KISSING HIM LIKE YOU ASKED FOR YEARS AGO?????????? LIKE HE’S NOT GONNA REMEMBER THAT SHIT?????????
#they make me SICK#i hate them (i’m unfortunately lying)#this completely recontextualizes round 6 in a way i was not prepared for#i’ve taken so much psychic damage at this point#i need to be heavily sedated for the next 72 hours#sorry if this is all over the place#i’m word vomiting all of the thoughts trapped in my brain right now#also sorry for so much caps lock#just imagine me screaming those words for emphasis#alien stage#alnst#alien stage friday#alnst friday#alien stage ivan#alnst ivan#alien stage till#alnst till#alien stage ivantill#alnst ivantill#ivantill#and you don’t have to squint this time#ivanttakethis shut up about ivan challenge: impossible#ivanttakethis answers#ivanttakethis talks too much
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I was just ambushed within the turbulent halls of my own mind by some headcanons about rye ingellvar's childhood that did 15000000 points of psychic damage to me and my heart personally and also made me almost sure of how I want to play it all at the end (very very differently from how I imagined going in!). some 'oh holy fuck this changes everything' rocking my own world bullshit going on in my neurons right now I'm reeling
#I'm sorry to say that despite what I expected I think the dread wolf might be going down violently on my first run???#not because *I* love solas any less but because of who rye is and some of the twists I know happen down the line#which does make for a neat thing b/c I meant to play the crow I'm going with second as initially incredibly hostile#and then growing to feel for him and redeeming him at the end.#so if rye starts out very reasonable and sympathetic and then is brought to 'haha. no. fuck you forever for that in particular' at the end#...a pleasing cosmic symmetry in it I must admit. perfect and also makes me feel a bit sick#I'll try to put together something coherent eventually but for now#it's sort of a 'my name is ellaryen ingellvar you killed the guy#that my brain went 'close enough welcome back beloved and much missed deceased father figure' over. prepare to despair and die'#I think just the killing part might not have done it but everything that comes after? rye is a chill guy until he finally decides#that enough is fucking *enough*. and that was the most enough of all time for them#it also explains rye's accent (one of his primary caregivers growing up was a dwarf)! so many birds with one stone here#also I am so fucking sad now and I did it entirely to myself. I love fiction I love games (embarassingly genuine)#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#oc: ellaryen ingellvar#thank god that the romanced solas playthrough is the second one tho that does make things less dire haha#adaar would have given it the good old college try to get solas to change his mind right to the end I think#but even his capable hands and politician's mind could not hold back the sheer beware the fury of a patient man storm#that is about to hit solas for the shit he just pulled. I think rye and solas are -- as it turns out -- TOO alike in many ways#...solas buddy I'm so sorry I'll come back for you on the second playthrough and make it right I swear fhsak#it's just that a second dead dwarf dad has joined the chat to haunt the narrative (and this time it's fucking personal frfr)#it's almost scary how quick I've gotten attached to my rook tho. I've waited A DECADE to save this bald elf man from himself#and then rye shows up with steel in his normally kind eyes going 'no. I want that fucker *dead*'. and I just go anything for you babyboy#I'll see what we can do. unspeakable stuff
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Yesterday was Super Bowl Sunday, and this is one of the AU’s I have been working on and I plan on making it a series on my A03 and on here. I also had the pleasure of talking about it with one of my fellow moots @crismakesstuff :3. So like…. What if Nolan played football? 🏈 *nervous laugh* *gets booed off stage*
Prepare to be sick of me with Sports AU’s , I am a MAJOR fan, and it’s the off season now, and I have time.
#invincible#art#sketch#invincible fanart#procreate#invincible au#nolan grayson#digital art#sports au#this is what happens when invincible goes on a mid season break#fans get bored and start making up shit#prepare to be sick of me and my sports references you guys will NOT understand#*purchases a NFL for dummies book for my poor followers who don’t understand*#this is what happens when im gone for like a week#i also miss the NFL right now#207 days until week one#and I miss invincible#at least Invincible is sooner#also nolan would be a SEXY mofo#please please please just hear me out on this#nfl#nfl art#nfl au#nfl crossover#invincible crossover
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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sweet sweet re:kinder community... I would like to ask y'all how you came upon the game and your experiences with it because i wanna know. im genuinely so curious to hear about other people's experiences and little opinions about this game because of how wild the game is (/pos) I'd love to hear it. do ramble to me about it
#re:kinder#not art#so in my case i once saw someone talk about it in a video and some scenes with the very vague context really struck with me#i was like wow...that is so sad... i wonder what goes on#but the thing is i watch videos talking about games like that ALLL THE TIME while im multi-tasking so i FORGOT FOR A YEAR?!?!?#until one day i was sick in pain on my bed could not move. and then it came to me. yes. “RE:KINDER. I SHOULD PLAY IT.” LIKE OUT OF NOWHERE#i will never understand how i dying of pain remembered a game i saw once BY NAME AT LEAST A YEAR LATER when jve heard of so many games#and you wanna know why it stuck with me. i saw in the video an image of the “as if id be reborn as a princess” line#i did not know the context but it was devastating#AND WHEN I PLAYED THE GAME when that scene game i was shocked to silence😭😭 BECAUSE I BASICALLY WENT COMPLETELY BLIND??#I DID NOT KNOW THE LITTLE KID WOULD BE THE ANTAGONIST???? AND THAT HE WOULD HAVE SUCH A SAD STORY??#like. i saw the sad coming i knew it was bound to happen yet i could have never been prepared for how hard it would hit me#I HAD TONS OF FUN but at first when i finished it i was so confused and so lost i was like welll.....what a game... TOO STUNNED FOR WORDS#then i thoughr of it for 20 minutes and bawled my eyes out and realized it was art#so when i got to my second playthrough i CRIED LIKE CRAZYYY😭😭 I WAS BLOWN AWAY IT REALLY HITS YOU#personally it admittedly hit close to home and while it made me bawl my eyes out it was also very comforting i felt very understood#AND IT WAS CRAZY FUN TOO i was not bored once the first time i played through it i was sleepy but i was so excited to keep playing😭😭#its funnt becayse i was initially apprehensive about playing cuz im sensitive to stories where sad things happen to kids#but i played it regardless because i was like “but what if its one of those scary media that hit close to home and i enjoy”#AND I WAS RIGHT. BUT NOT ENTIRELY BECAUSE I DID NOT THINK IT WOULD HIT AS INTENSELY AS IT DID😭😭 IT WAS MYCH MORE THAN EXPEVTED#many ways in which it impacted me but if i started listing them i would not shut up . so for now it is enough#IN SUMMARY WOW.. WHAY A GOOD GAME!! PLAY RE:KINDER!!!#i rambled more than i intended to i do apologize
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only way i got through the day was hallucinating megumi beside me the entire time
#IT WAS SO COLD TODAY#wind was blowing so intensely#i kept picturing megumi walking beside me when i was outside n giving me his jacket#everytime i got distracted i could just hear his voice telling me to focus hehe#i should mention it was my first day back after a week of skipping classes cause i was sick#it was all just a haze but i got through it with hallucination megs !!#we did it guys#anyways he accompanied me to every single class#ngl i literally stepped foot in one of my classes and then#my teacher was like safi great you’re here !! we had a test yesterday that u missed btw n u can make it up right. this. instant!!#and i was like um. okay.#internally panicking#but the test seemed pretty easy so i hope it went well#it was super short too like a little quiz#but i was so surprised help#my friends told me about it n i really thought she’d give me a few days to prepare or smth#anyways guess who’s home now hehe > <#gonna eat smth yummy so i stop feeling dizzy and then lay in bed and do some homework#i have so much#megs is nagging me to finish it#if you read my entire rant then ily and if u skimmed it then ilyt#but if you didn’t read a word and skipped to the end then just know that megumi is flicking your forehead really hard rn#꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱
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You will be missed so dearly.
It's like a hole has been torn into very structure of the station, and we're all just standing around it reeling from the shock.
It was good to cry with everyone. It was good to put up black ribbons. It will be good to say to curious outside voices, "We are in mourning, please do not badger us."
A man missing forever.
You had the brightest future ahead of you. You would have risen to be one of the greatest. You already were for us.
I will miss you dearly. We weren't personal friends, but we were colleagues, and I will forever cherish every minute I got to work with you. Your dry humour was the highlight of many a day. Your work ethics set an example I want to follow. You lived and breathed medicine, you were loyal, 100% dependable at all times, smart, diligent, literally wise beyond your years - what do you mean, I was a DECADE your senior?? Also the absolute funniest person around, no contest. Driest humour. Wittiest comments.
I wanted to listen to you talk more and I wanted to learn from you more. I can't believe I won't get to.
You were indispensable, and I think that hole in the structure will remain. We'll learn to live with it. With something being blown out in a blast. It's good to clear the rubble together, I think this helps.
I'm crying again.
Rest in peace.
#mourning#death cw#soryuchan's personal issues#maybe this sounds overly dramantic but when you work what we do your colleagues become your comrades in arms become your family of sorts#also that might be my personal hangups but it was so validating that grown men could just openly cry and sob and hug without judgement#it's good to mourn together#better would be not having to mourn at all#i can't believe this#also my heart goes out to the station chiefs who had to keep it a secret for several hours to prepare a less chaotic announcement#they pretended business as usual and i was only wondering WHY one of them seemed so curt and angry on the phone with me#turns out it wasn't anger at me at all but someone trying not to break down shouldering the responsibility of no chaos breaking out#it's good i was sick in bed when the announcement came bc i know myself. i would have put the car off the road in shock probably#damn why why why why why i can't believe this#also very validating to share the feeling of 'no I'm fully expecting the car door to open and him jumping out right now'#honestly it's so good to have someone to mourn with#daaaaamn this is all so unfair#going through the motions of posting my remaining whumptober stuff for formality's sake now#but then i will need a break from everything
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Taylor releasing new music tomorrow, I’m prepared to cry about Dazai and Chuuya again
#ohhhhhh#oohhh skk we’re really in it now#right in time for the new chapter#I’m sick#prepare to be SICK of me#HITS DIFFERENT!!!!#AND A VAULT TRACK#bsd#bungo stray dogs#skk#soukoku#bsd dazai#bsd chuuya
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Violet and Xaden are Gwynriel coded and thats why im so obsessed with them
#violet sorrengail#xaden riorson#gwyneth berdara#azriel#gwynriel#violet x xaden#the fourth wing#welcome to my latest obsession#prepare right now to be sick of me#acotar#a court of silver flames#azriel x gwyn#shadow daddies xaden and azriel
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i get my gcse results in about 19hrs and i am not okay with that, but i am okay with oversharing on the internet, so here's what I think I'm gonna get: (prediction, (mock grade))
English Lit: 6 (5)
English Lang: 8 (9)
Maths: 3 (5)
Science: 5-5 (7-7)
History: 7 (7)
Sociology: 8 (9)
Textiles: 8 (raw mark was 173/200)
most of these are lower than my EAP grade, but I have 0 faith in grade boundaries and honestly I'll be beyond shocked if I even get this good
#the fact that teachers can find out before me is sickening#there's not a single part of me that doesn't feel sick right now#i am fully preparing myself to resit maths and maybe science#gcses just aren't it 5000% would not recommend#anyways heres to hoping i havent failed everything#bibliophile-bi#gcses 2023
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oh my god am i so fucking tired
#work ended two hours ago but still just so so tired#to be fair it was my first shift back in two weeks after that GODFORSAKEN cold#tales from diana#i was very anxious to do this last night. i had a hard time falling asleep#didnt get as much sleep as i wanted but i still did sleep#i had a half-day kindergarten job originally but when i got there they switched me to full day fifth grade#and it sure was a full day of fifth grade#theyre doing this thing right now in the fifth grade where they switch classes and go to the different teachers#to prepare for middle school. i get it i get it it's a good system#but i did have to teach a one-hour writing class three times to like sixty kids in total#it's a lot. AND i had to do a lunch duty god forbid#tomorrow im subbing full-day for a different kindergarten teacher and since im goin there i doubt theyll send me anywhere else#unless i guess someone else abruptly calls out sick but like. uhhh i just wanna do this k class ive been w them like 4 times this month#theyre easy i know these kids they dont scare me#and in early childhood ed theres always like at least a para or two#in the older grades im lucky if theres one para but today there were none#all day. goooood im tired
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yesterday was. a lot
#was sick on saturday right. slept from 4pm to 10am the next day#had a convo with my sister that turned south#and because of the weather being awful my SAD combined with that and sente into a depressive episode#had a breakdown over my relationship with my family and their (not. great acceptance/treatment of my autism)#cried for hours until my mum and dad sat down to have a talk#i vented stuff i have wanted to say for like. 2 years now. both understood and talked to my siblings about it#brothet completely understood#think my sister kinda understands#which is better than i expected because i was fully prepared for her to just. not give a fuck because i have trouble communicating with her#and now i feel kind of better?#i did. purge a fuckton of motorsport stuff from my blog because it was related to the conversation we had#but was one of many many many things that compiled into a very uncomfortable atmosphere for me in house#my mum is gonna try harder not to use the r slur which is a relief. my sister has agreed not to make fun of me when i do hear it#and become upset about it. they understand why i am upset about specific people they support and talk about in front of me#and i made sure to let them know i understand that they have diff opinions on people who have said hurtful things about disabled people#because they none of them will ever come from a place where those words hurt them#but still let them know how that affects my.... i dont wanna say trust? like my comfort in being autistic vs masking with them#which ive often been forced into doing and am still unlearning#most importantly theyve now accepted that i am autistic#that my diagnosis was not officially completed/given because the doctor advised against it. because it makes things way harder#really im just happy that i wont get comments from my sister about not actually being what i claim i am/have because they.#really upset me esp when these things that i am (autistic+adhd) and have (ocd/anxiety/depression) are linked but have been confirmed#multiple times by multiple doctors#idk i just hope things get easier from here. i can tell my family werent aware of how much this stuff was affecting me so im glad we talked#because keeping that inside was. exhausting
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had beef with one of my coworkers today 😍
#— ai rambles#imagine what kind of an asshole you have to be to make me mad lmao#anyway at first i thought she was just a slow worker yk and that’s ok!! but turns out she’s just fudgeling all day long and work keeps#piling up and it’s either me or my other coworkers that have to do HER job#i was absolutely furious today when the office was full and i had to work on two contracts at the same time#and asked her (super friendly btw) if she’s able to take care of one simple car sale contract#and she was like ‘well leave the docs there i’ll get to them once i finish this thing for tomorrow’#what is this thing — nobody knows 😍#and it’s for tomorrow???? while you have clients right now RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU 😍#and i snapped at her bc i also have appointments tomorrow i have to prepare for but priorities!! and common sense#people are here right now!!! waiting for you to spare 20 mins of ur precious time so they can stall their car 😍#sell *#half of the time i have no idea what she’s doing and working on tbh and we’re not a big office like usually everyone knows what each one of#us is working on but her tasks are always a mystery a myth if you will#not very proud of myself for my choice of wording things but i was so sick of it atp and she snapped back at me but took the clients#lmao so i feel fulfilled
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My partner is off to the office soon to play online games with their friends. I had planned to write a bit, or at least try to. But honestly? This day has sucked and I'm emotionally exhausted. I think I'll just go to bed way too early and deal with waking up in the middle of the night when it happens. Tomorrow will either be better or worse but that's future me's problem. Current me no longer gives any fucks.
#vent post#this hasn't been the worst week of my life but it's been pretty shitty#tornado hit near my house the other day#we got lucky and only had some really strong wind and thunder but it was closer than I'd like#my cat died and another is acting weird tonight and i really don't want to have to go back to the vet already#I'm going to give her some kitty electrolytes tomorrow and some recovery food that's been recommended and see how she does#i was late to my appointment today and I'm not sure how i feel about this doctor#they didn't really listen to me but they at least partially listened to my partner#they did however send my for lab work to test for everything which is nice#but also sucked because i wasn't mentally and physically prepared for a blood draw and now i feel like crap#I'm glad i got it out of the way today because it gives me less time to be anxious about it but also it sucks#dropped off our tax papers and I'm fully expecting a phone call tomorrow because i think i missed one#picked up dinner tonight as a treat and decided to try something new and couldn't eat it#it wound up being so spicy i got sick#so now my stomach is messed up on top of everything else#things will get better but it's hard to see it right now#maybe some sleep will help#maybe I'll get lucky and won't dream
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bigass vent over general life things
things in general are really not great i don't really have any optimism for the future or making a life for myself. like i don't really have any drive or ambition to look forward or work towards anything good/meaningful because as time goes on there are going to be really bad life events that i just don't think i can keep facing anymore. and theyre going to be worse. i'm just dragging along life solely on the basis that i was plopped here to just Exist and that's my task at hand that i'm reluctantly upholding. just exist until it's over
#when i say 'i'm 25' 'i'm going to be 26' it does not feel right coming out of my mouth. i do not feel just 25 or 26 i feel far far older#mentally and physically#when i'm around other people my age i just feel on a completely different plane of experience from everyone else#idk. i've always been a naturally anxious and socially stunted person & def have some kind of lingering trauma that keeps me from connectin#w people. but also having no family members or relatives anywhere near my age (~17 yrs older than me at the least) while i was growning up#probably did something to me as well. my entire life has just been witnessing family members decline and die like dominoes over the course#of 25 years. like i know all about end of life care and legal paperwork and shit like that. i know what grief is like and#seeing how it affects people. i know the stages of dread and worry and numbness & guilt-ridden relief that comes with being terrified 24/7#for an ailing family member over the course of years. knowing what it's like to grieve people who arent dead yet but you know it's coming#and then when the inevitable happens it's horrible. but also you're so exhausted from the strain that you're mostly numb. and then you feel#a sense of relief that the worst is over they're not suffering anymore you don't have to dread it anymore. which obviously makes you#question if you're some kind of deranged asshole for feeling that way. idk#25 for me has been a very eye-opening age where i'm fully realizing how fast time passes. i thought i was at around 18-20 but i was really#just first becoming aware of it.#i know how to view the world from that lens bc that's all i know. i only see life as a preparation for the end#instead of a beginning. or at least see it as a beginning at this current point in my life#covid/lockdown has definitely been a source of mental drain on me as well. the constant fear and paranoia of getting sick AND what sort of#long term consequences i could have due to getting it twice. and what i could have if i get it more than twice#add that with the general social and political climate right now and it's just...so very bleak. home life is bleak & outside world is bleak#vent
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