#postpartum is another journey entirely

[bed-chemist]

ommmmg can u write something with nicolas being a new dad x reader wife 🙏🙏🙏 maybe them visiting his family during a short trip and him being sooooooo daddyyyy 😭😭 after seeing him in those GH pic with this baby …. 🥵😮‍💨 i just need a dad imagines with him since there isn’t any

❝Juno❞

─⋆♡ summary: You’re married to Nicholas Chavez and you bring your newborn baby to meet his grandparents.

─⋆♡ warnings: pregnancy, postpartum depression, fluff, allusions to sex but no smut, Daddy!Nicholas Chavez, Y/N used a few times, 1st person POV. as always i’m always learning so correct me if i missed something!!

─⋆♡ an: based on this ask & shoutout to that person because this was super sweet to write. there’s no public info on his parents and i felt weird looking for it so here’s some Chavez grandparents content. since this may be your introduction to me, i do write in first person, just inserting Y/N. 2nd and 3rd person are absolutely insufferable to me and make me wanna die. with that being said, i’m glad there’s no shortage of those fics on this website. my masterlist is the pinned post on my profile and i hope you all enjoy this imagine! ★ ˙ᵕ˙ liv

The journey to Nicholas’ grandparents’ house is filled with quiet anticipation. We haven’t visited in a while, not since Colette was born. I can’t help but feel a mix of excitement and nervousness at the thought of introducing Colette to her great-grandparents, Nick SR and Betty. Nicholas always speaks of them with such affection, often recounting tales from his childhood spent at their cozy home. They were instrumental in raising him, and their influence is deeply ingrained in who he’s become. Now, I’m eager to see how they’ll respond to our little family, especially to me as a new mother.

The sun is high in the sky as we pull into the gravel driveway, which crunches under the tires. The house is a charming, white colonial-style home with flower boxes beneath the windows, bursting with vibrant blooms. It looks like something out of a postcard—quaint and welcoming. Nicholas squeezes my hand as he turns off the car.

“You ready for this?” he asks, his brown eyes twinkling with excitement.

I smile, though my heart races. “As ready as I’ll ever be,” I respond unwilling to let his hand go for the last time.

I eventually gain enough strength to go a second without touching him. We both step out of the car, and I unbuckle Colette from her car seat, carefully lifting her into my arms. She’s dressed in a soft, pastel onesie with tiny flowers embroidered on the front. Her big espresso colored eyes, so much like Nicholas’, blink up at me as she squirms a little in my hold. I kiss her soft forehead, breathing in that sweet baby scent that always seems to calm my nerves.

Before we even reach the front door, it flies open, and Betty appears on the porch. Her face lights up in a radiant smile as she hurries down the steps toward us. She’s a small woman, but she moves with surprising speed and agility, her silver hair tied back in a loose bun.

“There she is! Oh, it’s about time!” Betty exclaims, ignoring Nicholas entirely as she comes straight for me and Colette. Her arms are wide open, and she pulls me into a hug, careful not to crush the baby between us. “You, my darling, look even more beautiful than the last time I saw you. And this precious girl…” Her voice trails off as she gazes at Colette with shining eyes. “Oh, she’s just perfect.”

I laugh softly, returning her hug. “I’ve missed you, Mrs. Betty and thank you.”

Betty steps back, her hands still on my arms, her attention fully on Colette. “No, thank you! You brought another little angel into our family,” she says, her voice thick with emotion. “You’ve made me the happiest great-grandmother.”

Nicholas, standing off to the side, grins as he watches the scene unfold. “Hey, Grandma,” he chimes in, clearly amused. “Good to see you too.”

Betty waves a hand in his direction without even glancing his way. “Yes, yes, Nicholas. We’ll get to you in a minute.” Her eyes shimmer as she reaches out to gently stroke Colette’s chubby cheek. “She’s absolutely precious,” she coos. “She looks just like Nicholas did when he was a baby.”

Just then, Nicholas’ grandfather steps out onto the porch, his tall frame casting a shadow as he approaches us. His blue eyes light up when he sees me holding Colette. “Well, if it isn’t our favorite girl,” he says with a warm grin, pulling me into a quick hug before peering down at Colette. “And look at this—another beauty in the family. You’ve done well,” he adds, giving Nicholas a nod of approval before clapping him on the shoulder.

“Well she is 50% of me so…” Nicholas’s twinge of jealousy for his favorite girls peeks out.

“Oh, hush, Nicholas,” Betty replies, waving a hand at him dismissively before turning to me again. “Come on, dear, let’s get you inside. You must be exhausted after the drive. And you must let me hold this precious girl as soon as you’re settled.”

Inside the house, the smell of freshly baked bread wafts through the air, mingling with the scent of herbs and flowers. The living room is cozy and welcoming, filled with family photos and knick-knacks that speak of years of love and memories. There are pictures of Nick as a little boy, his brother, and even one of us on our wedding day.

Betty leads us to the couch, offering to take Colette for a little while so I can rest. “She’s such a calm baby,” Betty remarks as she cradles Colette in her arms. “I remember Nicholas being a little firecracker at this age—always kicking and fussing. But you, my dear, are an angel, aren’t you?” she coos, her voice full of love as Colette blinks up at her.

Nick Sr. settles into an armchair nearby, watching with a contented smile. “Betty’s right,” he says, his voice warm. “Nick was a handful. Always running around and getting into trouble. I don’t know how we managed to keep up with him.”

Nicholas chuckles, settling beside me on the couch and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Yeah, I’ve heard those stories a few times.”

“I bet you have,” Betty says, her eyes twinkling. “But look at you now—such a wonderful father and husband. We’re so proud of you.”

My heart swells at their words, and I feel a wave of gratitude wash over me. It’s clear how much they love Nicholas and how deeply they cherish their family. Their affection extends to me as well, making me feel welcomed in a way that eases the nervousness I had felt earlier.

Betty carefully passes Colette back to me, and I can’t help but notice how her eyes linger on us—on the way I hold my daughter, the way Colette nuzzles into me. After a moment, she glances at Nick Sr., sharing a look that seems to speak volumes.

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Betty says suddenly, rising from her seat with a bright smile. “We have something to show you.”

She disappears into another room, returning moments later with a large, leather-bound photo album. She hands it to Nicholas with a wide grin. “These are pictures of you when you were about Colette’s age. I thought it’d be fun to compare.”

Nicholas takes the album and begins flipping through the pages, his eyes lighting up as he sees the photos. “Oh wow,” he says, pointing to a picture of himself as a baby, bundled in a blanket. “Look at that, she really does look like me.”

I lean over to see the photo, and sure enough, the resemblance is striking. Colette has inherited her father’s dark hair and expressive eyes, and there’s something about the way she smiles that’s undeniably Nicholas Chavez.

Betty beams. “She’s got that same spark in her eyes that you had. And those cheeks! I could pinch them all day.”

I can’t help but smile as Nicholas flips through more photos—Nicholas as a toddler, covered in mud from head to toe; Nicholas on his first day of school, looking serious and determined; Nicholas holding a toy sword, pretending to be a knight. It’s clear that his grandparents were there for all of it, capturing every moment with care.

“Look at this one,” Nicholas says, laughing as he holds up a picture of himself as a toddler, sitting in a high chair with spaghetti sauce smeared all over his face.

Betty chuckles. “You loved spaghetti. Still do, if I remember correctly.”

As we continue to flip through the album, Betty excuses herself and motions for me to follow her into the kitchen. I hesitate for a moment, unsure of what she wants to talk about, but her kind smile reassures me.

Once we’re alone, she turns to me, her expression soft and full of understanding. “I just wanted to tell you that you’re doing a wonderful job, Y/N,” she says, her voice gentle. “Being a new mom is hard, and it can feel overwhelming sometimes. But from what I’ve seen, you’re handling it beautifully.”

I feel a lump form in my throat at her words, the unexpected kindness bringing a surge of emotion. “Thank you,” I say quietly. “It’s been… challenging at times. I have moments where I wonder if I’m doing it right.”

Betty reaches out and takes my hand, squeezing it gently. “Those moments of doubt are normal. Every mother feels them. But you have such a natural way with Colette. She feels safe and loved with you—that’s the most important thing.”

I nod, blinking back tears. “It’s just… sometimes I feel like I should be able to do more. I get so tired, and Nick’s been amazing, but…” I trail off, stopping myself from revealing my biggest insecurities.

Betty’s eyes soften even more. “It’s okay to ask for help, dear. You don’t have to do it all on your own. If you ever need anything—advice, a break, someone to talk to—you can always come to me. I’m here for you, and so is Nicholas. We’re all family now,” she offers.

Her words wrap around me like a comforting embrace, and for the first time in a while, I feel a sense of relief. “Thank you,” I whisper, grateful beyond words.

Betty smiles and gives my hand another gentle squeeze. “You’re doing wonderfully. Just remember to take care of yourself too, okay?”

I nod, my heart swelling with appreciation for this woman who has welcomed me into her family with open arms. As we walk back into the living room, I feel lighter, the weight of my doubts lifting just a little.

Nicholas looks up as we enter, his eyes softening as they meet mine. “Everything okay?” he asks, his brow furrowing slightly in concern.

I smile, feeling a warmth spread through me. “Yeah,” I say softly. “Everything’s perfect.”

As the afternoon fades into evening, Betty leans forward with a warm smile, her hands clasped in her lap. “It’s been so wonderful having you all here today,” she says, her eyes soft as she looks between Nicholas, me, and Colette. “Why don’t you stay the night? It’s been far too long since we’ve had a full house, and we’d love the chance to spend more time with you.”

Nicholas turns to me, his voice gentle as he asks, “What do you think? We don’t have anywhere to rush off to, and it would give me a break from driving back tonight.”

I hesitate for a moment, weighing the offer. I think about Colette’s bedtime routine, the packed bags in the car, and my own exhaustion. But as I glance around at the warmth of the house, Nick’s grandparents’ eager faces, and the calmness that seems to settle over everything, I feel myself relax. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a change of scenery, and the idea of spending more time here—surrounded by family—sounds like exactly what I need.

“That sounds wonderful,” I say, smiling at Betty. “Thank you. We’d love to stay.”

Betty’s face lights up, and Nick Sr. nods with a wide grin. “Perfect,” he says. “We’ve got the guest room ready, and I can set up the bassinet in the guest room next to it. It’ll be like old times, having a little one in the house again.”

Betty stands, already making her way toward the kitchen. “I’ll put some tea on for later. You two make yourselves at home.”

Nicholas squeezes my hand, a smile spreading across his face. “See? It’s going to be a nice, quiet night—just us, Colette, and the best grandparents ever.”

The evening unfolds comfortably from there. Betty and Nick Sr. share stories about Nick’s childhood over cups of tea, their voices light with laughter and nostalgia. As the night deepens, we finally make our way to the guest room. It’s cozy and inviting, with a soft bedspread, and warm lighting.

Colette falls asleep easily after nursing, making for an easy bedtime routine. Nicholas and I kiss her on the forehead goodnight once we’ve got her situated in the bassinet. We separate briefly to prep for bed and when I’m finished, I crack open the door to the en-suite bathroom.

Nicholas looks up from a script, setting it to the side of the bedside table. My feet patter over to him and he pulls back the duvet for me to climb in. “I’m so tired,” I note as I slide between the sheets.

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to his body. “I know, baby. Maybe my grandparents will watch her in the morning so we can sleep in,” he theorizes lowly, but I can still feel the bass of his voice rumbling from his chest into my back.

I sigh, letting my eyes flutter closed. It’s been an emotional day, and I’m ready for sleep. “It’s okay if they can’t. I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you too, Y/N,” he breathes out with his lips kissing my ear one last time.

My body lets me drift into sleep, hearing nothing but Nicholas’ breathing and the faint sound of crickets outside. But that peace is eventually interrupted by the familiar sound of Colette’s soft cry filling the quiet room.

I blink awake, momentarily disoriented, unsure of where I am. The dimly lit room feels unfamiliar, and for a brief, groggy moment, I can’t remember how we ended up here. But then the memories come rushing back—the visit to Nick’s grandparents, Betty’s kind words, the warmth of the evening.

With a heavy sigh, I sit up in bed, my body aching with fatigue. I haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep, and Colette’s cries, though soft, feel like they’re pulling me out of the little bit of rest I’ve managed. The sheets feel cold, and for the first time tonight, I realize Nick’s arms aren’t wrapped around me as they usually are.

The bed dips beneath me, and I hear the soft thud of feet padding across the floor. “Shit,” Nicholas mutters under his breath as he comes into view. I lift my head, watching him groggily fumble with the baby monitor to turn down the volume.

His chocolate tinted eyes meet mine in the dimly lit room, his face softened with a sleepy smile. “I got it, baby. Go back to sleep,” he murmurs, his voice thick and gravelly.

I don’t resist as my head falls back onto the pillow. Nicholas tucks the duvet around my shoulders, his touch warm and reassuring, and leans down to kiss my forehead before slipping out of the room.

As my eyes flutter shut once again, I can’t help but feel immense gratitude for him—for understanding, for seeing me. Nicholas has always been an amazing partner, but since Colette was born, something has deepened. Maybe it's the way he’s embraced fatherhood, those tender daddy traits emerging in him day by day.

I don’t know how long I drift in and out of sleep before the bed dips once more. This time, I turn over to face Nicholas, only to find him kneeling on top of the duvet, cradling Colette in his arms. He gently rocks her, and his brown eyes, full of apology, meet mine. “I'm sorry, babe,” he says softly. “She’s hungry, and I checked the fridge and my Grandma must’ve given her the rest. We’re out of pumped milk,” he gives his valid reason for disturbing me.

With a tired sigh, I push myself up, scooting back against the headboard. “It’s okay,” I reply, motioning for Nicholas to hand Colette to me. “It’s not your fault I don’t pump fast enough for her.”

Nicholas shifts closer, still kneeling, his eyes warm with reassurance. “It’s not your fault either, baby girl,” he says tenderly. “You’re doing everything right. She’s just got my appetite, that’s all.”

Nick’s words bring a smile to my face as I take our little girl in my arms, feeling the love and support that radiates from him. Colette’s small body relaxes the moment she’s nestled in my arms, and I adjust my position to help her latch on. Instinctively, her tiny mouth finds its way, and I feel that familiar pull as she begins to nurse. The room is quiet now, save for the soft sounds of her feeding and the gentle rustle of the duvet as Nicholas shifts beside me, sitting back in his spot where he just laid.

The weight of exhaustion still presses heavily on my body, but there's something calming about this moment—something intimate and grounding. Colette’s little hand rests against my skin, her tiny fingers curling and uncurling as she nurses. Despite the tiredness, I feel a sense of peace wash over me.

Nicholas watches us, his expression soft and filled with admiration. He reaches out, brushing a strand of hair away from my face, his touch tender. "You’re amazing, you know that?" he whispers, his voice barely more than a breath in the dark.

I smile faintly, my heart swelling at his words, but before I can respond, he continues, his eyes never leaving mine. "I don’t tell you enough how much I love you... both of you." His gaze flickers to Colette, his eyes warm and full of adoration. "Watching you with her... seeing how strong you are, how much you give every day. You’ve made me the luckiest man in the world, Y/N."

His words sink into me, wrapping around my heart like a warm blanket. The weight of my earlier guilt begins to lift, replaced by the quiet assurance that I’m not alone in this. We’re a team, navigating the highs and lows together.

"I love you too," I murmur, my voice thick with emotion as I glance down at Colette, her soft breaths steady against me. "And I’m so grateful for you. I couldn’t do this without you."

Nicholas leans in, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead, lingering for a moment as if sealing the promise of his words. "You’re the best mom, you know that? And she’s lucky to have you," he murmurs, his lips brushing against my skin.

I close my eyes, soaking in the warmth of his presence and feeling the steady rhythm of Colette’s nursing. In this moment, the exhaustion, the doubts, and the guilt of my postpartum depression fade into the background, leaving only the love we share—the love that brought Colette into our lives.

Nicholas settles back into bed beside me, his hand resting gently on my leg, a silent reminder that we’re in this together. And as Colette’s soft suckling continues, I let myself fully relax.

Once Colette finishes nursing, her tiny body grows limp in my arms, signaling she’s drifted back to sleep. I carefully adjust her, cradling her small frame against my chest. Nicholas is still sitting beside me, his hand never leaving my leg, his eyes filled with the kind of tenderness that makes my heart swell.

“Do you want me to take her?” Nicholas asks softly, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

I nod, and with practiced gentleness, he scoops her up and places her between us on the bed. Colette barely stirs, her little hands curling up by her face as she nestles into the space between us. The sight of her lying there, so peaceful and content, brings a soft smile to my lips. My body involuntarily slides down and I stoke her cheek with the back of my finger.

Nick lays down with his head propped up in one arm, the other sliding around me. But as I gaze at Colette sleeping peacefully between us, a small wave of anxiety creeps in. What if we roll over onto her during the night? My breath hitches slightly, and I turn my head toward him.

Nicholas immediately senses my concern and shifts closer, his hand coming to rest gently on my cheek. "Hey, don't worry," he says softly, his voice reassuring. "I’ve got her. We’ve got her. I won’t let anything happen." His thumb brushes against my skin as he speaks, his gaze steady and full of calm. "I’ve read up on this, remember? She’s safe with us. We’re light sleepers, and we’re both hyper-aware she’s here. I’ll make sure we’re careful."

I nod, though the worry still lingers. Nicholas leans in closer, his breath warm against my ear. "You won’t roll over on her. I won’t either. Trust me, baby. And if you’re still worried, I can take her back to the bassinet,” he assures me.

I glance down at Colette, her tiny chest rising and falling, completely at ease between us. There’s something comforting about her being so close, something I don’t want to give up. "No," I say softly, shaking my head. "I want her here with us. I just... I get nervous sometimes,” I admit to him, the concerns laced with my postpartum depression symptoms.

"I know," he murmurs. "But you’re not alone in this. We’re doing it together, okay? She’s safe. We’ll keep her safe,” he promises.

His warmth and the calm assurance in his voice help to ease the anxiety a little, and I let out a slow breath. I snuggle closer to him, nestling my head in the crook of his neck. "Thank you," I whisper.

Nicholas kisses the top of my head, his hand stroking Colette’s tiny arm before returning it to my waist. “I used to dream about this,” he murmurs, his voice thick with emotion. “You, me, and a baby… just lying here like this, all together.” His eyes shine in the dim light, filled with a quiet wonder. “I’d imagine what it would feel like, how perfect it would be. But this... this is even better than I imagined.”

His words sink deep into my chest, filling me with warmth. I glance down at Colette, her chest rising and falling steadily between us, and I feel a wave of contentment wash over me. “I’m glad too. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed,” I whisper back.

Nick’s thumb rubs gentle circles over the exposed skin on my side, and for a while, we lie there in comfortable silence, both of us watching Colette sleep. I feel the weight of his arm around me, the warmth of his body, and I can’t help but think about our future—about the life we’re building together.

After a while, I glance up at Nick, my voice soft but curious. “Do you ever think about… having another one? Another baby, I mean.”

His reaction is immediate. His brown eyes light up, the glint of excitement undeniable. He grins, that boyish, playful smile I fell in love with, and there’s no hesitation in his voice. “Oh, absolutely. I thought one of you was cute, but two though? Didn’t think I could handle it. But now that I’ve experienced it, I want three of you as soon as possible,” he rambles.

I laugh softly, both amused and surprised by his enthusiasm. “Three of us, huh?” I ask to clarify he’s not drunk on love.

“Yeah, babe,” he says, his hand moving to stroke Colette’s tiny hand before trailing over my arm. “We could start trying as soon as possible. I mean, why wait? We make great babies together,” he jokes and I stifle a laugh to not wake up our sleeping child.

His grin turns mischievous as he leans in closer, his voice dropping a little lower. “We could even try out some freaky positions this time��� you know, spice things up.”

I roll my eyes playfully, shaking my head at him, though my heart flutters at his words. “That’s all you, God bless your dad’s genetics,” I tease, eyeing him with a smirk.

Nicholas chuckles, clearly enjoying my response, but there’s a seriousness in his eyes too—a real desire to keep building this life together. “I’m serious though,” he murmurs, his hand moving to rest on my waist. “I want more of this. More of us. I want a whole bunch of mini versions of you running around, driving me crazy in the best way.”

His words hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting, and I feel a flush of warmth spread through me. I lean closer, letting my fingers trace over his arm. “You’re really ready for another one, huh?”

Nick’s gaze locks with mine, intense but full of love. “Yeah, Y/N. I don’t just want another one. I want a whole football team of kids with you. As soon as you’re ready,” he says firmly.

I bite my lip, considering his words, feeling the quiet excitement bubbling up inside me. “I might just let you lock me down tonight,” I tease, my voice soft but playful.

His eyes darken slightly, that same spark of mischief flickering in them. “Oh, baby, don’t tempt me,” he murmurs, leaning in to press a lingering kiss against my lips.

I pull back slightly, laughing against his mouth. “Let’s not rush it,” I whisper, even though my hormones are raging at the thought. “But... I do love the idea of growing our little family,” I add to soften the blow of sex denial.

Nicholas grins again, his arm pulling me closer as Colette sleeps peacefully between us. “Then let’s make it happen,” he says softly. “One more baby… and then another after that, we can talk again. I just know I want it all with you. Every first word and every first day of school, my love.”

I smile, resting my head on his shoulder, letting the warmth of his words and the future he envisions wash over me. “One step at a time,” I murmur, though the idea is already taking root in my mind, the thought of more little ones filling our home with love.

As we lay there, cuddling around Colette, the future feels wide open—and incredibly full of promise. The room is quiet, the soft hum of the night surrounding us, and as we lay there, I feel the steady rise and fall of Nick’s chest beneath my palms.

“Goodnight, baby,” he whispers, his lips brushing against my ear. I smile softly, my body already succumbing to sleep as I whisper back,

“Goodnight, Nicholas. I love you,” I murmur, never getting tired of reminding him.

“I love you too,” he replies, his voice full of warmth and certainty. “Both of my girls.”

With that, the last thing I feel is the warmth of his body, the steady rhythm of Colette’s breathing between us, and the overwhelming sense of love that wraps around the three of us, pulling us into the soft cocoon of sleep.

The next time I stir awake, it’s to the feeling of the sun shining on my face. Nicholas’ familiar presence is next to me, his body relaxed as he leans back against the headboard. I can feel the steady rhythm of his breathing, the slight rustle of pages as he quietly reads. For a moment, I let myself enjoy the comfort of having him close.

But something is wrong.

I don’t feel Colette.

The tiny body that was nestled between us is gone, and in an instant, a wave of cold panic floods my chest. My breath catches, and my heart starts to pound, my worst fear bubbling to the surface. Oh God, did I roll over her? Did we…?

My eyes snap open, and I sit up abruptly, frantically scanning the bed. My hands reach out, patting the mattress in blind desperation as my breath quickens. Where is she? My mind spirals into worst-case scenarios, and my pulse races faster with each second I can’t find her.

Nicholas looks up from his script, his brow furrowing as he notices my panic. “Y/N, baby, what’s wrong?” His voice is calm, but I can hear the concern lacing his words.

“Colette,” I breathe, my voice barely a whisper as the fear clutches at me. “She’s not here, Nick. I—where is she?”

Nicholas immediately places his script aside and sits up, reaching for me. His hands find my shoulders, grounding me. “Babe, she’s fine,” he says gently, his voice steady, though I can see the alarm in his eyes as he realizes why I’m panicking. “Grandma has her. She came in earlier to take her so you could rest. She’s with her now, probably showing her off to her knitting group. Everything’s okay.”

I stare at Nicholas, the rush of adrenaline still coursing through me, but the words slowly sink in. Colette isn’t in danger. She’s not here because Betty took her.

I let out a shaky breath, pressing a hand to my chest as the fear begins to ebb away. “I thought… I woke up and she wasn’t there. I thought we—” My voice falters, not even wanting to finish the thought.

Nicholas pulls me into his arms, holding me close. “I know. I’m sorry. I should’ve woken you to tell you, but you looked so peaceful, and I didn’t want to disturb you,” he apologizes profusely.

I nod against Nick’s chest, the tension finally loosening from my body as I cling to him. “I just… that’s what I’ve been afraid of, rolling over her in our sleep,” I admit.

“I know,” Nicholas murmurs, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “But I would never let that happen. I swear that to you,” he adds.

I take a deep breath, letting the warmth of his embrace steady me. My pulse slows down, and the overwhelming panic that had gripped me starts to dissipate, leaving me feeling drained. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have freaked out.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Y/N,” Nicholas says, his hand gently stroking my back. “You’re a mom. It’s normal to worry, but I’ve got you. I’ve got both of you.”

I pull back slightly, meeting his eyes that are full of understanding. “Thank you,” I whisper, my voice still shaky but filled with gratitude.

Nicholas smiles softly, brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “Get some more rest, okay? Grandma’s got Colette covered.”

I nod, feeling the last remnants of panic finally fade. I glance at his script beside him and give a tired smile. “You’re memorizing lines this early?” I pry.

He chuckles. “Just passing the time until you woke up. But you come first,” he vows.

I sink back into the pillows, the warmth of Nicholas beside me a comforting presence now that the fear has passed. As I close my eyes, the world feels right again. Colette is safe, Nicholas is here, and I let myself relax fully for the first time since waking up. The panic has faded into the background, leaving only the steady hum of reassurance from my husband beside me.

[tybaltsjuliet]

here's the thing about charles dickens. [discussion of his antisemitism, misogyny, and racism ahead.]

his last, unfinished novel, the mystery of edwin drood, features helena and neville landless, heroic and sympathetic south asian (sri lankan, specifically) characters, and the racism they endure in an english town is relevant to the plot to the point where neville ends up falsely accused of murder. in the wake of the indian rebellion of 1857, dickens applauded the english brutality against "that oriental race," and called for genocide.

fagin is called "the jew" 274 times in the first half of oliver twist. an article in the jewish chronicle asked why "jews alone should be excluded from the 'sympathizing heart' of this great author and powerful friend of the oppressed." at first, dickens dismissed this, and claimed he was just being accurate about london's criminal makeup. but he was moved enough by eliza davis's letters to him on the matter that he halted the printing of the latter half of oliver twist so he could change the text and remove the antisemitic language therein.

dickens was an abolitionist who despised chattel slavery in the united states, and called emancipation a "moral duty." dickens didn't think black americans were intelligent enough to vote, and he wrote an entire character in bleak house who is a joke to be disliked and mocked because she'd rather oversee charity missions to help children in africa than be a proper mother and tend to her own family at home in england.

speaking of one's own family at home in england, dickens smeared his wife, catherine hogarth, publicly so he could justify separating from her and taking up with a younger woman. catherine hogarth was likely mentally ill, likely living with postpartum depression. she was also an author in her own right and loved her family dearly. her reputation never recovered in her lifetime from the claims he made about her. in dickens's novels, time and time again, from nicholas nickleby to david copperfield to our mutual friend to the mystery of edwin drood, men who menace and take advantage of vulnerable women are portrayed as the worst kind of villains, deserving of whatever grisly ends come to them.

charles dickens was both privately and publicly a raging asshole in many ways and the world would be worse off without him, because he wrote for bourgeois, comfortable victorians, the very people who so often failed to "think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys." in the same breath that he calls agnes fleming, who opens oliver twist as an unwed mother dying in a workhouse, "weak and erring," he dares to add that "i do believe that the shade of that poor girl often hovers about that solemn nook-ay, though it is a church." he calculated jo's death to the page in bleak house for maximum effect. but when he wrote of the orphaned crossing-sweeper, "dead, your majesty. dead, my lords and gentlemen. dead, right reverends and wrong reverends of every order. dead, men and women, born with heavenly compassion in your hearts. and dying thus around us every day," people listened.

i dedicated years of my life to reading him and studying him and thinking about him and writing about him and his novels. now, i turn to condemn him; now, i turn to justify him. i wish i had a time machine so i could shake his hand. i wish i had a time machine so i could publicly debate him. i wish i had a time machine so i could break his nose.

charles dickens gives me courage and hope. charles dickens makes me want to tear my goddamn hair out. he is everything i despise and everything i love about the victorian age in one; the term "a man of his time" ought to have been invented for him. the leaps and bounds the victorians made for progress in the public good are only matched in greatness by the extremity of their atrocities against their "fellow-passengers" on this earth. the way we think about nearly every modern social ill can be traced back to the 19th century; the way we think about nearly every modern idea of social justice can be traced back to the 19th century. every last one is writ large and small in dickens's novels. he and his age are the greatest contradictions in human history and that's why i can't shut up about them, ever, even when i am exhausted by them, even when i am inspired by them, even when it was two centuries ago and it shouldn't matter anymore, but it does. it always will.

[twwpress]

Creator Spotlight #16: imperfectirises

Welcome back to the TWW Author Spotlight! For every spotlight, we’ll ask each featured author the same ten questions (as well as questions you submitted on Twitter!). This week we’re thrilled to be talking with @_alexandrarando (on Twitter, imperfectirises on AO3)!

1) What are your top 5 desert island fics by other authors?

“So It Goes” by nomadicwriter https://archiveofourown.org/works/47601/chapters/62375

“As Long As There Are Stars” by nomadicwriter https://archiveofourown.org/works/49650/chapters/65266

“Tomorrow” by Pollygw https://archiveofourown.org/works/15103847/chapters/35022290

“Rainy Zurich” by jimhopper https://archiveofourown.org/works/37466461

“A Difficult Journey: Bringing Abbey Home” by Babyphd https://archiveofourown.org/works/32342320/chapters/80176279

2) Do you have a favorite character to write? Favorite ship(s) to write? Are there characters or ships you'd like to write more of? 

Abbey Bartlet is my favourite character to write. I’ve always been drawn to her dynamic and feisty attitude. I think she’s one of the strongest female characters in the series, and is the backbone of the administration.

My favourite ship is Jed and Abbey. I love how the series explores what happens behind the doors of the White House and the relationship between the President and First Lady. It always baffled me that Aaron Sorkin didn’t write a backstory for Jed and Abbey, he just wrote the episodes as they came. But Martin Sheen and Stockard Channing’s chemistry is so beautiful and enticing, it makes you wonder about their backstory.

I definitely want to write more about Mrs Landingham, CJ, Leo and The Bartlet Daughters. 

 3) Tell us about your writing process (setup/location? Night or day? Snacks/beverages? Computer/phone/notebook? Music or silence? Anything else you want to share is welcome!) 

I usually write on my laptop or in a notebook. I like writing in my room or in other places like cafes. I don’t mind listening to music while I’m writing. I usually make a playlist dedicated to the character I’m writing for and it helps build on the inspiration for the piece. 

 4) What writing advice do you have for others who may be reading this? 

My advice is to write. Keep a journal, or set up a pinterest board for inspiration. The creative process is entirely up to you, but if you set aside some time once a week to write, or even plan your story, then you’ll see where it leads you.

5) From where do you usually draw your inspiration? (Other forms of media, music, tropes, etc?) 

When writing a fic, I usually draw inspiration from watching the series or returning to certain scenes which may spark an interesting writing idea. I’m also inspired by the characters and the actors who portray them. For my fic,  “Miracle”, I drew inspiration from one of Stockard Channing’s films where she tackles motherhood and postpartum depression. I loved her performance in “Unexpected Family” and “Unexpected Life” and automatically pictured Jed and Abbey in this alternative universe, where they were expecting another child and how it affects the administration and their private lives.

Miracle: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40434726/chapters/101293683

6) What is the fic you've written that you're most proud of and why? 

I am so proud of “Miracle”. I originally planned to write a few chapters, but then it expanded to 20 chapters.  In this story, Abbey finds herself pregnant and while it’s surprising and joyous news for The Bartlet’s, Abbey’s postnatal period plays a huge impact on her personal and professional life. I’m proud of this story because it shows Abbey continuing to be strong and resilient while her life is constantly changing. It’s taking the “what if” for a spin and exploring how the dawn of the 24 hour media cycle can place pressure on people in the spotlight.

Miracle: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40434726/chapters/101293683 

 7) What's the fic trope/concept/AU you'd read 1000 of? What's the fic trope/concept/AU you'd write 1000 of? 

Love reading CJ and Toby fics, Jed and Abbey prequel stories and stories set after the Bartlet administration. 

 8) Is there anything you'd like to try writing-wise that you haven't yet? 

I would like to attempt a post canon fic. 

 9) What's your go-to Starbucks/coffee shop/other drink order? 

Coffee order varies from Lattes to Mocha. But I usually drink English Breakfast, Peppermint or Chai tea. 

 10) Do you have any current projects you'd like to promote or anything upcoming you'd like to tell us about?

After “Two Cathedrals” we saw a young Jed Bartlet, but it broke my heart that we didn’t see a young Abbey Bartlet.. After finishing the series for the second time, I was inspired to write their prequel story about how Jed met Abbey and withdrew his ambitions to become a Priest.

I'm enjoying the research stage and going back to certain Jed and Abbey scenes to link back to their prequel story. It’s great to be creative with this story and write about what Jed and Abbey were like in College and how their decisions impacted their lives. What I would love people to take away from “Wait For Me” is to watch the show and think back to this story and see a connection to the canon storyline.

Wait For Me: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40597572/chapters/101714730 

Submitted questions:

From @S4MWILS0N:

fave ship, platonic duo, plot arc? Fave ship:Jed and Abbey

Platonic ship/friendship: Jed and Mrs Landingham 

Plot arc: Abbey forfeiting her medical license and

easiest character voice to write? Mrs Landingham

funniest one liner? “Can we have a civilisation!” 

saddest scene? The montage scene with Zoey’s photos and The Bartlet’s going to Church at the end of Season 5 Episode 1: 7A WF 83429 

fave outfit, side character, monologue? Fave outfit: Abbey’s blue evening gown from Season 6 Episode 7: A Change is Gonna Come

Side character: Margaret

Monologue: Jed’s monologue in Season 2 Episode 22: Two Cathedrals 

most underrated and overrated eps? Underrated: Season 6 Episode 9: Impact Winter

Overrated: don’t have one

craziest au idea you’ve ever had ? Seeing Martin Sheen in Grace and Frankie just makes me think of Jed and Leo being together. 

what media do u think would have a good crossover with tww? Grey’s Anatomy or Veep

 From @mlea7675: What drew you to Jed/Abbey in particular? Was there a particular episode or moment that sealed the deal?

While I was watching The West Wing, I was always drawn to Jed and Abbey. I found them so interesting and inspiring to watch, and being a fan of Stockard Channing, I knew I had to explore more of Abbey and her relationship with Jed.  What makes Abbey so fantastic is her strength, intelligence and beauty. I really admire all these qualities and being a fan of this show for 14 years, it’s always remained part of my life.

One moment which really stands out for me is the episode where Jed tells Abbey he could’ve been an astronaut. I love this scene because it’s hilarious and the exchange between Martin and Stockard is perfect! But in this small scene, the audience continues to see how strong their bond is as a couple.

Another episode which cements my love for them, is the moment Jed can’t put his pants on and asks Abbey to help him. Jed then says to Abbey “So this is why they make you take vows.”

Thanks again to alexandra for participating, and thanks to everyone who asked questions! If you’d like to be featured in an upcoming Creator Spotlight, message us here on tumblr, email weeklypressbriefing@gmail.com, or DM us on twitter (@twwpress). 

xx, What’s next?

[shosiblog]

Embrace Comfort and Style with Sleeveless Maternity Dresses

As your pregnancy progresses, the importance of comfort in your wardrobe becomes increasingly apparent. One of the best ways to stay cool and stylish during those warmer months is with a sleeveless maternity dress. This versatile piece not only keeps you comfortable but also allows you to express your personal style as your body changes. From casual outings to special occasions, sleeveless maternity dresses are a fantastic addition to any mom-to-be’s wardrobe.

Let’s explore the reasons why sleeveless maternity dresses are a must-have and how to style them for any event.

Why Choose a Sleeveless Maternity Dress?

Cool and Comfortable One of the most significant advantages of a sleeveless maternity dress is its breathability. Made from lightweight fabrics like cotton, linen, or jersey, these dresses allow for optimal airflow, helping you stay cool and comfortable, especially during hot summer days. The absence of sleeves means you won’t have to deal with any added bulk, making it easy to move around and enjoy your day.

Flattering Silhouettes Sleeveless maternity dresses come in a variety of flattering silhouettes that complement your figure. Whether you prefer an empire waist, A-line, or bodycon style, there’s a sleeveless dress to suit your taste. Empire waist dresses are particularly popular, as they highlight the slimmest part of your body just under the bust while allowing plenty of room for your growing belly.

Versatile for Any Occasion Sleeveless maternity dresses are incredibly versatile and can be dressed up or down to fit any occasion. For a casual day out, pair your dress with comfortable sandals and a denim jacket. For a more formal event, add some statement jewelry and a pair of elegant heels. The versatility of a sleeveless dress allows you to transition effortlessly from day to night, making it a staple in your maternity wardrobe.

Layering Options for Year-Round Wear Although sleeveless dresses are perfect for warmer weather, they can easily be adapted for cooler seasons. Layer your dress with a lightweight cardigan, a stylish jacket, or a cozy shawl to stay warm during chilly evenings. This adaptability ensures that your sleeveless maternity dress can be worn throughout your entire pregnancy and beyond.

Postpartum Wear After giving birth, you’ll want to prioritize comfort while still looking stylish. Sleeveless maternity dresses continue to be a great option during the postpartum phase. Look for styles that offer easy nursing access, such as wrap designs or button fronts, to make breastfeeding more convenient while maintaining your fashion-forward look.

Styling Tips for Sleeveless Maternity Dresses

Accessorize Wisely: Add a statement necklace or a pair of earrings to elevate your outfit. A stylish hat or a chic handbag can also enhance your overall look.

Play with Footwear: Choose shoes that match the occasion. Sandals work great for casual outings, while wedges or heeled sandals can add a touch of elegance for special events.

Consider Patterns and Colors: While solid colors offer a classic look, don’t shy away from fun prints and bold colors. Floral, geometric, or striped patterns can add personality and flair to your outfit.

As you embrace the comfort and style of your sleeveless maternity dress, another important aspect of your pregnancy journey may be preparing for your maternity leave. Writing a clear and professional maternity leave application is essential to ensure a smooth transition at work. If you’re unsure of how to start, stay tuned for our next blog post, “How to Write a Maternity Leave Application: A Step-by-Step Guide,” where we’ll provide you with step-by-step instructions to help you craft the perfect leave request. Don't miss it!

[wellnessmedicalclinic]

Ketamine Therapy: Understanding The Applications And Success Rate

Ketamine near me therapy is one of the best solutions for you if you are struggling with mental health issues. All you need to do is prioritize working with the right professionals who can guide you efficiently. These professionals can understand your needs and requirements and help you accordingly. So, let’s discuss it in detail.

Uses, success rates, and applications

Ketamine is a reliable option for a variety of mental health issues. So, it can help with several issues like treatment-resistant depression, bipolar depression, PTSD, postpartum depression, OCD, and much more. The success rates are also exceptional. Around 70-80% of patients notice a positive change after going for ketamine therapy in the most trusted clinics. Apart from this, one can also notice a change in chronic pain conditions such as neuropathic pain, fibromyalgia, etc.

The key to ketamine therapy

Screening: Clinics first screen patients who can efficiently receive ketamine therapy. If someone is unsuitable for the treatment, the healthcare professionals will inform them after the screening.

Set: This is the part where healthcare professionals help patients prepare for the ketamine therapy. So, one should focus on their mindset. Having a positive mindset is crucial throughout the ketamine therapy. They should understand the goals of the treatment and the intentions behind it.

Setting: The environment of the treatment should be exceptional at all times. Therapy should only take place in a safe environment. The professionals should also be available for intervention whenever necessary.

These three things are the key to the success of the ketamine Tallahassee therapy. One should ensure that a patient is suitable for therapy and also wishes to improve. The patient should get a safe environment for the entire therapy.

Undergoing ketamine therapy

When undergoing ketamine therapy, the patient should witness everything. They should observe the experience and notice the positive changes. Breathing is another crucial tool. Whenever you have a challenging experience, take some deep, slow breaths. This will help you relax and rest during the therapy. It is entirely different from the fight-or-flight response. Deep breaths will help you feel calmer and more peaceful. So, you will get the most exceptional experience during your ketamine journey.

About Wellness Medical Clinic:

Wellness Medical Clinic is one of the most reputable clinics that offers Suboxone near me therapy. The experts at this clinic will provide you with the most seamless and hassle-free experience. So, you will surely move towards a better life.

To get more details, check out https://tallyclinics.com/

Original Source: https://bit.ly/3RTxZet

[rightchoicefertility]

Surrogacy Cost in West Bengal

Surrogacy cost in West Bengal is a pivotal factor influencing the decision-making process for couples and individuals considering this reproductive option. In recent years, surrogacy has emerged as a viable solution for individuals facing infertility challenges or unable to conceive due to medical reasons. However, understanding the financial aspects associated with surrogacy is crucial for prospective parents embarking on this journey.

The first aspect to consider when delving into surrogacy cost in West Bengal is the initial consultation fees with fertility specialists and surrogacy agencies. These consultations serve as the foundation for understanding the entire process, including medical assessments, legal considerations, and financial obligations. Typically, these consultations provide valuable insights into the estimated total cost of the surrogacy journey, helping prospective parents plan accordingly.

Medical expenses constitute a significant portion of the overall surrogacy cost in West Bengal. These expenses encompass various aspects such as fertility treatments, surrogate screening and compensation, prenatal care, delivery expenses, and postpartum care for the surrogate. Additionally, any unforeseen medical complications during the surrogacy process may incur additional costs, emphasizing the importance of having a comprehensive financial plan in place.

Legal expenses associated with surrogacy agreements and contracts are another essential consideration for prospective parents in West Bengal. Legal fees typically include drafting and reviewing surrogacy contracts, parental rights establishment, and ensuring compliance with local regulations and guidelines. It is imperative for all parties involved to have a clear understanding of their rights and responsibilities, minimizing potential disputes and legal complications down the line.

Surrogate compensation is a critical component of the surrogacy cost in West Bengal, covering the surrogate’s medical expenses, compensation for her time and effort, and potential additional allowances. The compensation package may vary depending on various factors such as the surrogate’s experience, medical history, and any specific requirements outlined in the surrogacy agreement. Ensuring fair and transparent compensation for the surrogate is essential for fostering a positive and supportive surrogacy journey.

Administrative and agency fees also contribute to the overall surrogacy cost in West Bengal. These fees cover the administrative overhead costs associated with managing the surrogacy process, including matching intended parents with suitable surrogates, coordinating medical appointments, and providing ongoing support and guidance throughout the journey. While these fees may vary among surrogacy agencies, they are an integral part of ensuring a smooth and well-managed surrogacy experience.

In conclusion, navigating the surrogacy cost in West Bengal involves careful consideration of various factors, including medical, legal, and administrative expenses. Prospective parents embarking on the surrogacy journey must conduct thorough research, seek guidance from fertility specialists and surrogacy agencies, and develop a comprehensive financial plan to ensure a positive and fulfilling experience. While the cost of surrogacy may seem daunting, the priceless reward of building a family makes it a worthwhile investment for many individuals and couples.

[womenblogger]

Doula Advice on Nutrition while trying to get Pregnant

Planning on expanding your family to add a little one is an exciting decision. One of the first thoughts that may occur to you is how best to prepare your body, mind, and soul to welcome your baby into your womb.

Importance of nutrition in the preconception stage

Pregnancy can be quite demanding on the body. A healthy body will be able to build on the needed resources through the pregnancy period and support a functional and healthy pregnancy. This has a direct impact on the baby getting the needed resources to withstand the rigours of labour, birth and adjustment to life on earth. It means a smoother recovery process for the mother and the ability to produce enough milk in the postpartum period. It is a well-known fact that our bodies and minds are connected. A well-nourished body means, well-balanced mental health. A healthy body also reduces your chances of pregnancy and postpartum-related mental health conditions.

At Veira Life, our experts focus on personalizing your nutrition and tweaking your lifestyle to help you start this journey on the best possible footing. However, one can be aware of some basic and key points that can be easily applied in your day-to-day life.

In today’s world, our exposure to depleted soils and questionable food choices affect our health and well-being. Optimal health and nutrition even before conception impacts the health and well-being of the baby. While most of the focus is on the mother-to-be as she carries the baby, the dad’s nutrition influences the baby as well. So we will talk about nutrition for your family as a whole.

Always Choose Whole Foods over Processed Foods

One of the cornerstones of nourishment is eating whole foods and cutting down on processed, mass-produced packaged food which is typically high in sugars and unhealthy fats. Whole foods are those which are closest to their most natural forms available, like meats, vegetables, fruits, eggs, and whole unpolished grains. Having a wide variety of colours in your diet means you are getting all the different micronutrients – vitamins and minerals. Our taste buds are also enhanced with different varieties, making it more appetizing to eat. Eating foods that are rich in folate, collagen, trace minerals, and antioxidants – and including a wide variety of colourful whole foods can go a long way in setting you up for a healthy, functional pregnancy.

Simple Strategies can Improve your Eating Habits

Organising your time to prioritize cooking, and making food more interesting to eat are usually simple enough interventions. If you are a busy working couple, it becomes challenging to make the time for prepping and cooking. Adopt creatives way to ensure that you are getting what you need. Like preparing grocery shopping lists and meal plans for the entire week in one single day. Then the mental work required is removed from the equation. A food and mood diary is another exercise which can help you understand your bodily needs better. Even a week of keeping the diary can help, doing it for a month or more can reveal patterns and deepen your understanding.

Follow the Circadian Rhythms

Eating according to circadian rhythms can make a huge difference to your body’s metabolism, detoxification and hormonal balance. Time-based eating has gained popularity over the past few years because it allows the body time to restore. The time when the body is not digesting food, it is repairing and detoxing. One need not go for long periods of time without eating, a 10-12 hour eating window usually works well for many women. Books like ‘Fast Like a Girl’ are resources which talk about how eating, metabolism, and detoxification affects hormones and vice versa.

Carbs are not necessarily Bad Guys

All the major macronutrients are needed for the body- carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. While carbohydrates are vilified in many diets, did you know that they are needed to help transport proteins and fats to different parts of the body? Focusing on balance is key. While carbohydrates form the major source of energy in most Asian diets, you can consider switching to complex carbs, avoiding white rice, white flour (maida) and highly processed foods. Eating foods closest to their natural state can help the body get most of the nutrients. 

Supplement if Necessary

Getting baseline levels of your core micro-nutrient levels tested is a good idea to optimize your health before you embark on your pregnancy. This can help you figure out if you can get to sufficient levels through food or if you need support through supplementation. Consult your Veira Life coach on how to proceed with this. A blood test is usually recommended and the reports are discussed in depth.

Conclusion

Preparing your body for pregnancy is crucial for a healthy and functional journey. Nutrition plays a key role in supporting both your physical and mental well-being. Choosing whole foods, organizing your time for meal preparation, and following circadian rhythms can greatly benefit your overall health. Seek guidance from Veira Life experts to personalize your nutrition and lifestyle for a successful and healthy pregnancy journey.

How can Veira Life Support You?

At Veira Life, we are committed to helping you get the best start possible in your parenthood journey and staying with you every step of the way. Every user on the platform is paired with their dedicated Veira Coach. Veira Coaches are certified doulas, midwives, childbirth educators or lactation counsellors with years of experience supporting pregnant and new parents through their transition into parenthood. The coaches are available to answer any questions you have, ease your anxieties, even help preempt the challenges coming your way and support you in a holistic and compassionate manner. Register to try it out for yourself.

read more at https://veiralife.com/doula-advice-on-nutrition-while-trying-to-get-pregnant/

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

I'm also pregnant, and I was curious if you've also had issues with body image during this time? I'm nb and don't like my boobs, and it seems like the larger I get the more I feel uncomfortable in my own body. Obviously if you find this an uncomfortable question you don't have to answer and I apologize. I just dont know any other pregnant nb afabs I can ask about it.

my dysphoria is centered on my breasts and my period.

being pregnant, its easier to conceptualize my breats as a tool with a function rather than an extension of gender, so that helps. howeverrrrrr they have gone through extreme, unignorable changes that have fucked me up a lot. im terrified of not being able to breastfeed not just because of the lactivist propaganda machine, but also because not being able to would mean that theyd be back to what they were before, upsetting reminders.

but also my period is gone so it all kind of evens out i guess? debating getting the nexplanon back in so that it stays gone but im not sure yet.

something i didnt expect was the euphoria that seeing my belly grow has given me. i thought id be bothered by it but im actually rather comforted?? i dont hate my stomach anymore, its doing such a good job and ive just been fixating on the thought that my body is working so hard to give me what i want, and i just appreciate it so so much. my whole body, while fucked up, is doing The Work. and at the end of it all i get to hold my child!! i cant possibly despise my body anymore, not when its working so hard for me.

my perspective has shifted slightly because of pregnancy. my body isnt wrong. i wouldn't mind changes, but its not wrong. the environment its in is the problem. im not a girl or a boy im a person in a body. im a brain floating in water piloting a mechsuit that is perfect for me and my needs. im building something amazing and its so hard and im so confused and scared but for the first time in a long time im so proud of myself and my body.

so im gonna be okay for now i think.

[theyscreamjade]

Shouta Aziawa body worshiping his wife after hearing the comments jealous ladies have said about her.

In My Eyes

「 Lemme say I've never ever thought I'd be making a Shouta Aizawa smut, It's one for the books. This is one for the books, I hope you like it! ෆ」

⊰ 18+! (Anyone who’s underaged will be blocked!)ও

↬ word count ᱺ 1.6k ෆ

↬ Disclaimer: Cursing, Sexual Acts, Body Shaming, Postpartum Depression.

A lot has changed. Everything isn’t the same anymore. With a rather reluctant and exhausted sigh, you placed the car in park and sat in the driver’s seat for a while. You gripped the steering wheel before bursting into tears, nearly sobbing as your soft cries became hurt screams. It was needed after the day you had.

You became one of UA’s newest teachers, replacing Midnight. It was an all-hands-on-deck situation and wasn’t the best for you. You just had your first kid, adopted another child, and married your fiancé. It’s been a rather..long long journey. You wiped your tears and composed yourself. It wasn’t the fact what happened to Midnight or immediately going back to school that was bothering you. Oh no…you handled and accepted her death already.

The only issue is…comments. Before you married Shouta, you were a hero. Destined for great things, a fighter, a motivator, and more. You were once skinny, slim, and flexible. Just as flexible as Mirko and that’s saying something. Once you were married and began settling with Shouta, you didn’t change…not until you become pregnant. The pregnancy was a breeze, with barely any morning sicknesses or anything, the downside was the fatty cravings and food you’d devour. Once you have birth to your son, your body adapted and popped into your motherhood body..which wasn’t the best idea.

Your body was thick, you had back fat, arm flaps, a double chin, a chubby tummy, thick thighs, wide hips, and breasts with a thick ass. Your originally size 6 dress size practically doubled and it wasn’t in a good way to others. Students hardly recognized you, teachers gossiped and ridiculed you, and postpartum depression was just increasing by the second. You felt numb, ugly..and undesirable.

“Kitten?” A voice said, snapping you back into reality. You blinked in confusion before you noticed you were in the bathroom, in a towel. You stood right in front of the sink with the water running, your toothbrush still naked in your hand. “You’ve been standing there for a few minutes. Is everything okay?” He asked, walking over to you. He placed his hand on your shoulder which made you jump without an exact reason. “I-I’m okay! I’m fine…I-I’m just going to check on the baby!” You lied, slipping past him towards the bedroom. You slapped on a robe and walked out. You zoned throughout the entire day, eating dinner, playing and acting..with your family and you can’t remember anything.

You peeked into the nursery, seeing the baby sleeping in his crib. He soft sighed and snores as he lay in his swaddle. You checked on Eri next, seeing her fast asleep while holding her Deku doll. You smiled at the sight of them before returning to your bedroom. Another restless night to work at the school again. “What’s wrong?” Shouta demanded, looking at you. “I-I’m fine. I just want to get some sleep…” you lied, not in the mood to argue. Not like as if you and he ever argued but you weren’t going to start now. You reached over to turn the bedroom lights off before something wrapped around your body.

With an easy tug, you were spinning toward Shouta’s arms. He hugged you tightly and rubbed your back. “Is what happened to Nemuri affecting you?” He asked, his hand touching the back of your head as you shook your head. “I-It’s not. It’s not that..” you admitted softly. Nemuri was an important part of your life and your hero life as well. She’s the reason why you and Shouta even started dating, she was this walking ball of confidence and sexual attraction. She barely had to do anything and guys were all over her but she loved herself. Whether she gained weight, lost weight, got bloated, or gathered acne on her skin. She owned it.

“Are you..still attracted to me?” You asked softly, resisting at first but you wanted to know. “What?” He questioned, looking down at you before you pushed him back. “Never mind, let’s go to bed.” You quickly spat, ready to drop the subject. “Kitten, what makes you think I’d not be attracted to you?” He questioned while you plugged your phone in before sitting on the bed with a soft thump. You stared at the wall for a second before hugging yourself. “Because…no one recognized who I am. Not a single student recognized me! All those pathetic teachers did nothing but gossip and talk shit about how I’ve let myself go! How I can’t do anything or even half the shit I could do!” You screamed in anger as tears streamed down your cheeks. “I-I’m not the same person you fell in love with…I’m not sexy, I’m not gorgeous or anything..” you said, trying your hardest to hold your sobs but failing terribly.

A pair of hands cupped each side of your face, holding your face in his hands as he lifted you to look into his eyes. He planted a few kisses on your face and lips, wiping your tears before he kissed you deeply. Tears still formed and streamed from your eyes as he eased you to the bed. His body is between your legs. “Shouta, W-“

“You’re right. You’re not the person I fell in love with…you’re more than that. You’re the person I married, the person I had a child and adopted another with. You were sexy before, you were gorgeous back then..but now, Kitten. You’re fucking libidinous. Every single day, you drive me fucking wild..you’re still pulchritudinous in every single way. You’re gorgeous, you’re still sexy, and there’s nothing that can ever change my damn mind.” He confessed, staring into your eyes. “I don’t care what I’ve got to do just to ensure and prove to you that you’re beautiful every day, I’ll do it..” he whispered, his lips inching closer to yours before they connected. “I love you, Kitten. I’ll never stop loving you..” He whispered against your lips, his hands opening your robe and exposing your body.

His lips immediately latched onto your breasts, sucking the nipple as soft moans escaped from you. Your toes curled with your walls throbbing with excitement. “S-Shouta..” you moaned out, excitement building between the two of you. It felt exactly how it did when you two first did it, or when you conceived your child on your wedding night. Nothing but magic, every single time. He always left you speechless. Your hair gripped his long strands of hair, moving with his head as he ate you out perfectly. His hands gripped your thighs as the thickness of them nearly folded around his fingers. “I-I-I’m close, I’m getting close!” You cried out to him, only to be ignored by him. He was a pleasure dom, after all. He never rests until you’re satisfied. Your back arched as he dove deeper, sucking harder on your clit until you finally climaxed.

Before you could even say a word, he slipped inside you. His eyes stared deep into yours and you knew instantly. It wasn’t just a quickie inside his sleeping bag, it wasn’t just a fast one before the kids returned from training or you gotta keep quiet so the kids won’t hear you two having sex. It was love, it was the sex you desired. Each thrust left you panting, begging, desiring more. It was the string that was once loose reconnecting again, you could feel his heart through his movements. How they never changed, regardless of how much your body has. He still loved you..just the way you were and it never stopped regardless of the position. Missionary, Doggy, Riding him, and cowgirl. Nothing changed.

It was reaching midnight, the bed sheets were tugged, pulled and some even popped from the corners. Pillows were scattered all over the floor, the blanket loosely over his body as he pounded you in his favorite position. Your hands gripped and scratched his back. You’ve came more than once, your mind was beyond blank which was possibly his plan. Shouta leaned close to you, taking your hands away from his back and pacing his fingers with yours as he placed his forehead over yours. Those eyes, the way he could see your soul..and still see more past that. “Say it, say you’re beautiful.” He demanded, feeling your walls clench him tightly. “I-I’m beautiful.” You stammered out, keeping your eyes on his. “Promise me you’ll tell me whenever you’re having doubts.” “I-I-I promise! I swear baby!” You moaned out, feeling the knot getting tighter as he pounded harder. His tip enters deep into your velvet, cum-covered walls. Each thrust pushed your legs back a bit further. “Who’s my beautiful fucking kitten?” He asked, feeling your body shake just as a wave crashed onto your system. In other words, you were cumming. “I-I am! I’m beautiful!” You cried out, loud enough for him to hear and possibly the whole neighborhood.

With a final deep thrust, he lay beside you and looked over at you. “How do you feel now?” He asked, turning towards you as he placed his hand on his cheek. “You could’ve just talked to me..or suggested a counselor.” You said in a joking tone, shuffling over into his arms. He chuckled and rubbed your back, his arms wrapping around your body. “This was more effective, besides…I needed help too.” He mumbled softly, kissing the top of your forehead. “…Shouta?” You asked softly. “Hm?” He replied, opening one eye and looking down at you. “Thank you…” you whispered, kissing his chest before his hand lifted your leg and placed it on his side. He pulled you as close as you could to him, kissing your shoulder and covering you completely. “I love you, Kitten.” He whispered, holding you as he could. He leaned close to your ear and whispered.

“There’s nothing that’ll ever change that.”

[thechanelmuse]

Finding out you're going to be a mother is like accepting one of the most prestigious jobs in the world, but for women in the athletic industry, it's one that also comes at a very expensive price point.

In May, Allyson Felix, who now holds the record for earning the most gold medals in World Championships history, opened up about how starting a family required her to take a 70% pay cut from her Nike endorsement deal. Recently, in a shocking tweet, WNBA player Skylar Diggins-Smith revealed that she was scoring buckets with a baby full of belly for an entire season due to fear of lack of support from her organization.

The Indiana-born 29-year-old Dallas Wings player started her professional career in 2013 and six years later, after becoming a four-time WNBA All-Star, wife, and mother, spoke her truth via Twitter last weekend.

Athletic companies don't seem to care about Black mothers and athletes like Allyson Felix and Skylar Diggins-Smith refuse to be silent about it any longer. Skylar, who gave birth to her first child in April, first announced her pregnancy last October nearly two months after finishing out the five-month season.

Since then, she has taken maternity leave to focus on her family and received backlash from internet trolls and sports fans alike as a result of her absence. But Skylar had a classy clapback for her critics and opened up about that she had been hiding from the world for months:

"I played the ENTIRE season pregnant last year! All star, and led league (top 3-5) in MPG….didn't tell a soul."

In the tweets, Skylar also revealed that postpartum depression had played a huge part in both her hiatus from the sport and her new journey as a mother. Although WNBA rules state that if a player becomes pregnant, they are entitled to half their salary and have all of their medical bills paid, it's unclear if Skylar's employers kept up their end of the deal because the athlete went on to say that she was offered "limited" resources for recovery. 

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Black women in American face the highest infant mortality rates. The amount of stress, disrespect, pressure, ridicule and health disparities that Black women are subjected to during and post-pregnancy, jeopardizing the wellbeing of our children and ourselves to be everybody else’s content and willing superhero mule 24/7 is fucking insane. Why can’t we too enjoy our pregnancies and be treated with care and respect?...

AMERICA IS FAILING ITS BLACK MOTHERS

For decades, Harvard Chan alumni have shed light on high maternal mortality rates in African American women. Finally, policymakers are beginning to pay attention.

Serena Williams knew her body well enough to listen when it told her something was wrong. Winner of 23 Grand Slam singles titles, she’d been playing tennis since age 3—as a professional since 14. Along the way, she’d survived a life-threatening blood clot in her lungs, bounced back from knee injuries, and drowned out the voices of sports commentators and fans who criticized her body and spewed racist epithets. At 36, Williams was as powerful as ever. She could still devastate opponents with the power of a serve once clocked at 128.6 miles per hour. But in September 2017, on the day after delivering her baby, Olympia, by emergency C-section, Williams lost her breath and recognized the warning signs of a serious condition.

She walked out of her hospital room and approached a nurse, Williams later told Vogue magazine. Gasping out her words, she said that she feared another blood clot and needed a CT scan and an IV of heparin, a blood thinner. The nurse suggested that Williams’ pain medication must be making her confused. Williams insisted that something was wrong, and a test was ordered—an ultrasound on her legs to address swelling. When that turned up nothing, she was finally sent for the lung CT. It found several blood clots. And, just as Williams had suggested, heparin did the trick. She told Vogue, “I was like, listen to Dr. Williams!”

But her ordeal wasn’t over. Severe coughing had opened her C-section incision, and a subsequent surgery revealed a hemorrhage at that site. When Williams was finally released from the hospital, she was confined to her bed for six weeks.

Like Williams, Shalon Irving, an African American woman, was 36 when she had her baby in 2017. An epidemiologist at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), she wrote in her Twitter bio, “I see inequity wherever it exists, call it by name, and work to eliminate it.”

Irving knew her pregnancy was risky. She had a clotting disorder and a history of high blood pressure, but she also had access to top-quality care and a strong support system of family and friends. She was doing so well after the C-section birth of her baby, Soleil, that her doctors consented to her request to leave the hospital after just two nights (three or four is typical). But after she returned home, things quickly went downhill.

For the next three weeks, Irving made visit after visit to her primary care providers, first for a painful hematoma (blood trapped under layers of healing skin) at her incision, then for spiking blood pressure, headaches and blurred vision, swelling legs, and rapid weight gain. Her mother told ProPublica that at these appointments, clinicians repeatedly assured Irving that the symptoms were normal. She just needed to wait it out. But hours after her last medical appointment, Irving took a newly prescribed blood pressure medication, collapsed, and died soon after at the hospital when her family removed her from life support.

Viewed up close, the deaths of mothers like Irving are devastating, private tragedies. But pull back, and a picture emerges of a public health crisis that’s been hiding in plain sight for the last 30 years.

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Harvestfest

(Adalynn’s POV)

(Ignore the fact that some people are missing, in spite of having a detailed pose planned out I forgot to add some people and it was too late to go and add them, at the point I’d spent 4 days trying to get almost 50 people to pose and was at the end of my rope 😂)

Happy Harvestfest! It felt so good to gather with all my family as we focus on being together, being grateful, and sharing in the blessings the Lord has showered on all of us. With so many of us now married and having to split holidays between our family and our in-laws, we all sat down and decided that the holiday that would bring us all together at the big house in Newcrest would be Harvestfest, meaning that we’re left to be with our other family at Winterfest. This year there were 46 people to fill up my parent’s house, which just goes to show how much the Lord has blessed us in the past 12 years, before I got married there would only be the 15 of us around the table digging in to the 2 turkeys that us Zoe and I would wake up at 4am to pick fresh from the farm, sharing in the sides that Macie would prepare for the evening, and laughing and singing together. One thing I’m very grateful for are all the children that are running around again, growing up it would be Charles, Parker, and Ashton that entertained us all with their shenanigans, but once they grew up and grew out of it then we all missed the sounds of having children around the house. Now there are 22 children that run around and call my parents ‘grandma and grandpa’. 

(Updates on the family are under the cut!)

Allan (55) and Casandra (52) Collins

My parents are thriving in this season of life they’re in! This year they’ve completed 34 years of marriage, what a testimony! Dad is still the pastor at Newcrest Baptist, the Lord has blessed the church abundantly allowing for dad to hire on additional pastors, which gives him the chance to speak at various conferences whilst not having to worry about his congregation in Newcrest being left stranded. Mum has been finishing up school with Ashton, the last kid in the Collins Homeschool, can you believe it? She’s managed to successfully homeschool 13 children from Kindergarten all the way to the end of highschool, which is no easy feat considering how different we all are. At Ashtons graduation party we’re planning on honouring her for all that she did to homeschool us and how she did and continues to pour into all of us. Since Ashton is basically self sufficient with schooling, mum has a lot more time to travel around and visit her grandbabies, since Barrett and Kyleigh’s kids are the closest to us she’s always having them over at the big house or going over for a few hours a day to continue to pour into the lives of her grandchildren. She also gets invited to speak at different ladies’ meetings in the wider area, as well as joining our dad on speaking engagements, either accompanying him to speak at different churches or speaking with him at loads of different marriage conferences. It’s such a blessing to see my parents be so richly rewarded for their dedication to the Lord!

The Leonard Family - Mason (34), Adalynn (33), Noah (10), Luke (8), Aaron (7), Paul (6), Joshua (4), Caleb & Jonah (1)

We’re excited to be expecting baby number 8! As time passes and I’m blessed with more children, I’ve realised I have a very consistent pattern of getting pregnant when the youngest child is almost 2 years old. Well, since the twins 2nd birthday is coming up I decided on a whim to take a pregnancy test and it was positive! As usual we’re not finding out the gender until the baby is born, but with the current numbers I’ve got I’m going to guess that this baby is a boy. The boys are excited to have another sibling on the way, but while we wait for the new baby to join us I’ve got the boys focusing on their school work. The oldest four boys are steadily progressing in their work and are loving school, they also love working on gaining their scout badges before the end of the year so they can progress onto the next level. Another exciting thing in our house is the nativity play that our church is putting on this Winterfest, the boys are in the children’s choir meaning that all our music practice has turned into Winterfest practice. Mason’s sister Molly is getting married soon as well, so the family has been gearing up to host people at her wedding in the next few months.

The Collins Family - Barrett (31), Kyleigh (29), Chloe, Allan Jr & Benjamin (8), Rose & Violet (6), Daisy (6), Marigold (5), Olivia (3), Preston (1)

Barrett & Kyleigh are also expecting a baby, this baby joining the family will be baby number 10 with the gender being a surprise! They live in Newcrest so they’ve got the advantage of being by the big house and seeing my parents all the time, as well as all my siblings who still live at home. Kyleigh and I are in the same boat are up to our ears in school books, but when you add in the fact she’s got 2 extra kids than I do, it’s amazing how calm she is about it! You’d never know she’s actively homeschooling 7 children whilst also running after two toddlers, she makes it look so easy! With everything happening in their house they’ve got plans for even more disruption, an old family friend that owns a construction company has offered to add an extension to their house purely to be a blessing to them! They currently live in a 3 bedroom house and the current plan is to add a second floor to the house to give them more room to grow, and with them adding a new baby every year I can tell there is going to be a lot of growing for their family to do.

The Moreno Family - Francisco (33), Zoe (29), and Javier Jr (2)

Francisco and Zoe are also expecting, and when we were all together they shared that they were having a baby girl! They’re not sharing the name they’ve picked out now, so we’re all waiting for baby girl to make her appearance so we can hear the no doubt beautiful name they’ve picked out. Little JJ is growing in leaps and bounds, it’s so hard being far away from family, which makes us cherish these times that we get to be all together even more. In other news, they’ve officially moved out of Oasis Springs and are excited to be starting out this new season of life as they get settled in Windenburg. They’ll be stationed there for the next 2 or maybe even 3 years, meaning that Zoe gets a few years living close to our sister Amira as well as our cousin Brittany. 

The Wright Family - Shane (26), Maggie (25), Arlo & Iris (1)

Shane and Maggie are enjoying their new season of life with the twins growing into toddlers and enjoying the learning curve that comes with having not one, but two toddlers running all over the place. Shane continues to work at the design agency, and now that the twins are slightly older Maggie has started going back to doing more freelance photography jobs, and is hoping to start back at the office full time soon. Their current plans for the winter include a family skiing vacation at Mt Komorebi along with Reece and Stacie and their in-laws for Winterfest. 

The Collins Family - Reece and Stacie (24), Liam (3), Hazel (1)

Reece and Stacie are also enjoying life with their family of 4 after the addition of little Hazel. Liam is starting kindergarten which is keeping Stacie busy with them as they start an official homeschooling programme, with the addition of Hazel’s basic toddler care as she attempts to be like her big brother. As well as starting school, the mother’s at their church have created a play group to help the kids socialise with each other since most of the families homeschool their children, so Liam is making new friends at church too. Their plans for winter include a ski holiday in Mt.Komorebi with Maggie, Shane, and their in-laws as well as with Stacie’s mother and sister.

The Collins Family - Beckett (23) and Mandy (21)

Beckett and Mandy made the journey home from Selvadorada in time for Harvestfest with the entire family. There’s not pregnancy news on the horizon for these two, but their lives are full of blessings in other forms; They’re in the process of fundraising to continue to build a church in Selvadorada, they hope to be able to educate the Salvadoradian population on the ways of the Lord with this new church. Currently Beckett pastors at an old church building, with Mandy helping teach english and Bible at the local school, she also sometimes helps the local midwives with deliveries and aftercare for postpartum mothers. While they’re in Newcrest they’ll be travelling to various churches in the local and wider area to help fundraise, as well as catch up on all their shopping whilst they’re still here, they’ll also head over to Oasis Springs to see Mandy’s family before they leave. Over the winter they’ll be hosting Macie, Celeste, Annette, as well as other youths from Newcrest Baptist as they head over to Selvadorada on a missions trip! 

The Eichelburg Family - Thomas (23) and Amira (22)

Amira is also expecting! The couple announced their pregnancy to the family when they arrived at the big house, she’s currently in her second trimester and currently doesn’t know the gender of the baby. In Windenburg she helps with the children’s church programmes or volunteers at a local charity shop in her spare time whilst Thomas is at work, now with the pregnancy she’s got other things to keep her busy. She’s planning to have her baby shower in her third trimester, so that should happen sometime in the next month or so, it’ll definitely be easier for her with Zoe moving close to her now. Their winter plans include planning the baby shower, escaping on a quick babymoon, and preparing to welcome their new addition before the new year! 

The Roberts Family - Felix (25), Priscilla (20), and Andrew (1)

Priscilla and Felix are enjoying this new season of life with little Andrew, he’s definitely put Priscilla through her paces as she learns how to deal with a toddler that’s her own child and not a child she can give back to their parents at the end of the day. Felix is working at his father’s offices as an Attorney, so is kept busy during the day before coming home to Priscilla and Andrew in the evening. Whilst Priscilla is loving time with Andrew, she can’t deny that she’s definitely praying to get pregnant soon! Their winter plans include helping campaign for the local conservative candidate in the local primary elections, as well as Priscilla helping coordinate their church’s winter show.

Charles (19) and Lorilee Mitchell (18)

These two are engaged! Charles proposed to Lorilee just before Harvestfest, hence the now allowed hand holding. The family is so excited to have another boy get married, with the couple planning a winter wedding in the bride’s hometown of Windenburg. Charles finished up with his pilot’s license soon before he proposed and he’s started working with the missions centre attached to Newcrest Baptist to help with their ministry efforts. He’s saved up enough to buy a small house a few miles away from my parents, so the couple will have a house to move into after their wedding.

Macie (31), Annette (21), Parker (18), Ashton (16)

There are the current singles at home, Macie is still living at home but is making herself useful to those around her in an effort to be a blessing and to pour herself into others to glorify the Lord. When she’s home in Newcrest she helps Ashton with difficult work and cares for the garden, visits her local nieces and nephews, serves at church, and bakes goodies to gift different members of our church family with. When she’s not home she’s travelling to see her many siblings and nieces/nephews scattered around everywhere, she also leads programmes at various christian retreats for young ladies and older single ladies as well. This winter she’s travelling with others to Selvadorada on a missions trip and will stay with Beckett and Mandy, as well as helping to prepare for Charles and Lorilee’s wedding.

Annette is primarily works as a babysitter/mother’s helper for the different women at church, as well as helping babysit her nieces and nephews or even her cousin’s children. When she’s not doing that she’s travelling to women’s retreats with Macie to help run the programmes or work in the kitchen.

Parker has graduated highschool and has started working for a construction company that is owned by a member of Newcrest Baptist, he’s starting out as an apprentice and hopes to learn enough to make this a full time career.

Ashton is the youngest and is currently the last Collins child being homeschooled by Casandra, she’s working through her final year and is on track to graduate early in the spring. The family is planning a graduation party to celebrate the youngest child finishing school, and the official retirement of our mother as our teacher!

The four pregnancies

The four pregnant women got together for a picture, it’s such a blessing to be pregnant at the same time as my sisters and my sister-in-love! Between Zoe, Kyleigh, and I we’ve got a combination of 17 children, and we’re adding 4 more since we’re all having singletons. Once all these children are born my parents will have a total of 26 grandchildren, what a blessing!

(AN) I just want to say thank you to everyone who left their condolences after I shared that we lost a friend, her funeral was last week and some friends were able to fly back to the states and see her laid to rest with full military honours. This is such a great community and I love being a part of it, thanks to everyone for being so great 💛

[aonrivers]

Pregnancy, Birth, Postpartum, and Baby Time! (TMI warning) - Part 01

Recently I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For nine months I read articles and expectations of things to happen and to come, but honestly nothing prepared me for the truth of it all. Sure my friends told me some stuff, but nothing like what I experienced.

I’ve decided to write the nitty gritty of it all along with tips for new moms that I wish I had too. This is going to be major TMI, but when you've given birth, nothing seems like TMI anymore - especially because in the labor room you've got about ten people you've never met before (yes, even your doctor) staring at your asshole and your crotch. With introductions out of the way, are you ready? Here we go!

Part 1 of IDK how many...

Truths about being pregnant:

1) First and foremost... Officially remove negative people in your life the moment that stick says positive. This is Tip #1. I planned on doing this for months before I got pregnant but being pregnant pushed me to do it sooner. I was tired of being stressed out and having negative things told me by certain people in my life and I wasn't going to have it continue during one of the most stressful and most beautiful times of my life. I closed the door on many friendships during my first few weeks and even though it still bugs me that I had to do it, I'm glad I did and recommend others to do the same (even when you aren't pregnant). 2) Tip #2 I can offer is either before or during your pregnancy, plan a vacation. I was on vacation when I got pregnant and planned a trip with my best friend when I hit mid third trimester (would've been sooner but 2020 was a hellish year for the world). 3) I bought a belly book after a few weeks of finding out I was pregnant. My friend recommended it and it was really cool to document every week and my thoughts and post my belly bump pictures, but then second trimester hit and the book was wrong... I ignored it until the third trimester hit and it was wrong again. What was wrong with it? They claimed my trimesters started in certain weeks that were 2-3 weeks off. I Googled my trimesters and checked multiple sites - the book was wrong. So I finally said screw it and created my own. I bought a scrapbook (use a Michael's coupon, that shit is expensive) and I began to craft my own book. 4) A huge suggestion: take those belly bump pictures!! It sounds silly but it's super cool to have. Not only do you get to see your belly growing, but you can put those pictures in your scrapbook like I did. I took the same pose in the same place every Friday. Then I found a really cool app that you could put words on your images and ended up doing that for my Instagram posts. 5) My 3rd tip is make sure you have a really good relationship with your doctor and they believe in the same things you do. I think this is important because I wasn't happy with the thought of being pregnant with my normal doctor then I ended up not being happy half the time with the doctors I went to while pregnant. I wish I had that doctor patient relationship you think every pregnant lady has. I kind of had that with my crazy, beady-eyed doctor I had seen for thirteen years, but when it came time to have a child, she just didn't align with me. She was pro everything I'm not and became a little too radical for me. Be who you wanna be, believe and think what you wanna believe and think, but don't push that shit on me - and that's the direction she started going. So in the end, I left her and went with my friend's doctor... Who happened to have 5+ doctors and a midwife.... Midwife was cool and maybe two of the doctors, but the rest I wasn't a fan of. I didn't even know the doctor who I gave birth with and it was very impersonal with the doctors I saw during the checkups. For example: one doctor would come in, glance at me, talk to me while staring at the computer screen, then leave. I also didn't get ultrasounds done with them, only heartbeat checks. It just wasn't a journey with them like I thought it would be and should've had. Now speaking of those sweet black and white first photos... 6) Sonograms are beautiful things to have. I got a nice picture frame for my second trimester image and have it on my dresser with a cute doll and my childhood music box. Treasure these little pictures. Take pictures of them to keep and reprint because the ink will fade on the ones the tech gives you, but for the love of God, hide your personal information when you post them. Sonograms say your name and birthdate, along with where you got the picture taken then more information on your child. It irks me to no end when people post this online. Especially on Twitter, which is a public forum. Shit. I didn't even post that on my private Instagram. 7) Next Tip: Call insurance to confirm multiple things, such as: what's covered during pregnancy/hospital stay/postpartum, if the hospital is covered, and if your Pediatrician is in network. Just because the office says "yes we take Aetna/UHC" doesn't mean they're in network. 8) Something that I will be telling everyone I know who is pregnant (which honestly isn't many) is scourge the internet for those pregnancy sites. Most sites and stores offer sample boxes. If you start a registry, they send you one too. Try: Amazon, Babylist, BuyBuyBaby, Walmart, Target... The list goes on. Check What To Expect's website for a list of all the sample box sites. I got about ten boxes that all had great stuff inside: bottles, pacifiers, breast milk pouches, diapers, lotion/shampoo samples, wipes, pads, and a few other smaller things. I honestly haven't used any of it, but plan to soon. 9) A great tip my friend told me was to go on those breast pump sites and check to see if your insurance is covered. My insurance ended up covering up to $300 for a breast pump. Of course I went with a $300 breast pump and paid an extra $30 out of pocket to have a few more parts included in my purchase. It was a great idea and is highly recommended for new moms to take advantage of! (I went with Spectra for a few reasons... It's definitely quieter than the Medela pump (the hospital had this one), and there's a nifty nightlight on the pump handle with two settings. It's super useful and I actually use the nightlight feature every night...) 10) Another great tip is to make that baby registry and share it!! People you don't expect will buy stuff. I used Amazon and got a bunch of perks. After my shower, I bought the rest of my stuff with the discounts Amazon offers. It was 2 bulk orders where both had 15% off entire order. I also get discounts on diapers for a year or, I think, the equivalent of $600 spent. Both perks were extremely helpful. 11) FYI, pregnancy is ten months, not nine. They tell you this in articles on The Bump and What To Expect, but I figured I'd say it anyways. 12) You won't miss your period during this time. I sure don't. 21 years so far is long enough for me. 13) The nausea is real and it sucks. It gets to the point where you don't wanna try for baby number two because you're just so over it after being sick for three months straight. 14) Nausea doesn't mean you're hanging over the toilet bowl throwing up the only food that doesn't make you sick. You can just have that knot in your throat all day that's teasing you about having to throw up. Not fun. 15) Being tired is also real and I have no idea how working moms-to-be do it. I work from home, so taking power naps was easy to do. Most of the time, I couldn't keep my eyes open. And it took about three months to find out why... (see next number) 16) YOU'RE NOT ONLY GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE YOU BUT A FREAKING ORGAN TOO!! That's right folks. The placenta isn't just chilling inside you waiting for the day you get pregnant. It's growing right alongside your little baby, taking your nutrients and energy so it can form and power up your little embryo/fetus. 17) If you're a vivid dreamer like me, the dreams are definitely weird. They tell you this, but for me, my dream self becomes pregnant too. I literally went through my dreamworlds pregnant. 18) Boobs hurting is an understatement. My boobs hurt so badly from the hormones and getting ready for milk that I didn't even wanna touch them when I was showering. 19) Your boobs become hideous. I have small breast - a nearly A has been my measurement in the past, but becoming pregnant, I became a large B - probably going into a small C cup. And not only did the boob itself get bigger and veinier, but the nipples got bigger and darker (confirmed by my friends, doctor, and websites that women experience this change). I honestly don't recognize my boobs anymore. I also don't even know why I wanted bigger boobs growing up. They suck. It's not the backaches (I didn't have any while pregnant, surprisingly), it's the fact that when you sleep on your side, that boob gets crushed and goes numb. 20) Boobs leak as they start forming that first collection of milk aka colostrum. So be aware. Being braless is great but those milk stains aren't cute. And it's not like a normal wet spot either where your nipples are. It's a wet stain with a milky ring around it making it totally unattractive. 21) Your nipples will become numb aka no stimulation. At least for me. My nipples are still numb but I guess it goes without saying why (think about it). 22) On websites, they will tell you that your cervix swells and some women enjoy sex more with their new closed off vagina, but not for me. It hurt to do anything down there. My husband and I had one position available and when the bump got bigger, we became celibate. And boy does the guilt take over... So expect this to happen - you're not alone if it does. 23) Your sex drive may be gone. As I said above, I swelled up down there and it was very painful having sex. With that, the sex drive was killed. My poor hubby suffered through these nine months and continued to suffer after birth because- well I'll get to why suffering continues after birth later. 24) Craving food may not happen for you. I didn't crave anything unusual. The only thing I ate on a daily basis were two English muffins with butter. On weekly basis I had three scrambled eggs on those two English muffins. This occurred maybe 2-3 times a week. Other than that, my "cravings" were the same. I wanted Taco Bell and all the other normal stuff I ate when not pregnant. 25) Paranoia for what you're eating will definitely hit you. Guilt will too. Paranoia because you're checking Google to see if you were allowed to eat that pasta with garlic sauce; and guilt because you're eating crappy junk food and feel like you're depriving your baby of nutrients. But like my friend told me, your body provides the baby what it needs and to stop being paranoid. Also those prenatals pack a punch in vitamins. 26) This isn't really nitty gritty or a tip... it's just something I personally did while pregnant and that was - I stayed away from the foods they tell you to like the high mercury fish and cold cuts, but I ate hot dogs and medium cooked beef. But those meats were cooked 170°+ which they recommend if you wanna eat your normal foods. You can also eat cold cuts but it's highly recommended they're warmed up. These meats contain listeria which is something we can defeat by ourselves but our little babies in the womb have difficulty in doing. Another thing I did in regards to food was I stayed away from foods I was allowed to eat but made me sick when I wasn't pregnant. I just didn't want to deal with the sickness. 27) Sleep however tf you want to sleep and that's exactly what I did. Sleeping on my side is not something I do when not pregnant and certainly didn't happen while pregnant. That is, not until the last month or two. I'll elaborate... I'm a back sleeper. I slept on my back and felt my baby every night tucking into one side of my belly because it was comfortable for her. It wasn't until those last months where the weight of my baby was actually pushing on my spine and yes you can feel it. It's a heavy pain that forces you to side sleep. 28) Those pregnancy pillows are shit. Seriously. They're bulky and annoying. My friend bought me a super nice one that went under the head, down the back, and cupped between the legs and I used it for five minutes. I'll find use for it one of these days - maybe gift it to my friend who is due in April - but right now it's just taking up space downstairs. I tried the slanted pillow for my belly. That lasted a month. What did it for me was that silly "As Seen On TV" pillow. It's that white, guitar pick looking pillow you shove between your knees to keep your legs leveled and your spine straight. That's literally the only pillow that helped me when my belly got huge. My bed worked out in my favor cupping my bump. 29) Being pregnant in the summer isn't that bad. Granted I had AC/Central Air the entire time. But seriously... You know why it also wasn't so bad? I could wear tank tops and dresses. Those were my maternity clothes. I bought maternity leggings for $4 when Kohl's had them on sale. They sucked. The belly piece went over the belly nicely, but the back road my back fat in a very uncomfortable way (and I don't really have back fat). Also, flip flops were my Godsend. When my feet swelled, flip flops were all I wore. Can't do that in the colder months! 30) I basically became a heater. Probably because I gained 4lbs of blood and water and a baby and whatever else was going on in my body. I normally sleep with a fleece blanket and a comforter; even in the summer. I could only use my fleece blanket while pregnant. I was surprisingly warm enough. Which leads me to the next sleeping factor... 31) Sleeping naked was a must. Here's why... Besides being hot all the time, waistbands hurt me and shirts bugged the crap outta my body. 32) Being commando all the time was a must. It was super nice being commando. I didn't have to worry about a period making a grand entrance and the waistband and around my thighs weren't hurting. 33) A nice buying tip: the baby grows super fast. And if your baby is born in the fall or winter, chances are the stores only have summer clothes. So make sure you get those larger outfits for the months to come! 34) Ask for larger clothes for that baby shower. It'll help down the road. 35) Shaving stops when you can no longer see down there and when you can no longer bend comfortably to shave your legs. Of course that didn't stop me before I went to the hospital. I cleaned up the best I could from the belly button down, but still managed to miss that one spot on my damn kneecap! 36) Back to baby... Flutters start being felt really early. Feels like gas but it's the baby. They say 16 weeks but I was feeling the flutters at 12 weeks. After the flutters came the kicks and jabs, and the constant wondering if I had a mini Mike Tyson in my belly. Especially when my belly would convulse like she was using my organs as a punching bag. I came across only one random article that explained what that was... Hiccups. Yes, the baby gets hiccups in utero and if your baby is like mine, the damn things continue outside the womb annoying your little bundle of joy like your own hiccups annoy you. 37) Sometimes you'll panic when you don't feel the baby moving much. Babies in the womb still need sleep I was told. If you get no movement at all within 24 hours no matter what you do then definitely call your doctor. (Your doctor should tell you this during a visit.) 38) I was told this: babies hear you and mostly everything around you outside the womb. This is true. My baby would move from her comfy right side to the left just to get closer to where my husband was talking to her. 39) Third trimester is when everything starts getting real, possibly painful, and definitely the feeling of "I'm over this". They mention this on those websites and they're not joking. 40) Every night I popped two tums just to keep the acid reflux down and the heartburn away. They say major heartburn means you've got a hairy baby and they weren't kidding (more on this later). 41) Waddling actually does occur. At first I felt like I was just doing it because I'm pregnant and subconsciously I'm making fun of pregnant ladies you see in movies. But you really do waddle and wonder if your walk will ever be the same again. (Spoiler: it does.) 42) My feet and legs swelled by my 8th month. They were slowly swelling into the third trimester but it was super noticeable towards the end. But I also ran into a health issue which I'll get to later... The swelling actually hurts. It feels like you're walking on water bags and on top of that, the bottom of your feet feel like you walked all of Disney World nonstop for a week straight. Do yourself a favor and put your feet up and rest. I hardly did this. I just had so much stuff I wanted to get done and I don't like asking for help, so I did everything myself until it got to the point where my husband or mother-in-law were yelling at me. 43) Getting a cold while pregnant sucks. Coughing and blowing your nose is kind of hard because you start to worry that your upsetting your baby. Plus, now you gotta think about medicine. What's safe and should you even bother... Luckily your doctor gives a list of safe medications. 44) Swelling in the feet could be something completely different than just the normal "things to expect in your third trimester" so be aware and prepared for problems that can arise that you weren't expecting. Like what happened to me. Even though those monthly appointments turned weekly get annoying, especially when you gotta drive thirty minutes to your appointments, they're not pointless. In week 38 I had protein in my urine and my blood pressure was high. The protein was not a UTI like what I got when I conceived back in December. That protein was a glimpse into something pretty scary if not caught early during pregnancy. It's called pre-eclampsia. Luckily I was two weeks out from my due date so inducing me wasn't too big of an issue. My baby was fully grown. Only way to get rid of pre-eclampsia is to remove the placenta - hence the early birth of my baby. But some mom's aren't this lucky and lemme tell you something. This was something that was never brought up to me during my doctor visits or on the websites I visited. They don't tell you that pre-eclampsia can happen at any point or that it could come back, and possibly worse, in your next pregnancies until you've been tested positive for it. I was in the hospital for five days after giving birth. My kidneys, heart, and platelets were all affected. Thank God I'm cleared now, but knowing about this ahead of time would've been nice. I could've looked for signs which were massive swelling in legs and feet (luckily I had no headaches or blurry vision). But like I said, I was tested positive late in the game. Some mother's aren't. Part 02 will go into labor and the TMI things that go on when you're admitted into the hospital.

[esta-metamorfose-ambulante]

Pros and cons of Jane The Virgin over the seasons (in no particular order)

Pros:

An amazingly talented cast.

Overall positive latino representation.

Distinct and interesting characters.

Plot twists that kept the story entertaining.

The Villanuevas bond.

Focusing on the reactions and the human side of the characters whenever something crazy would happen to them.

I’m personally not a fan of Latin novelas because they usually just throw one plot twist after anoter, but JTV used to do a great job showing its characters’ struggles dealing with those events.

Cons:

The love triangle. On season one it was important to Jane’s arc so she could find confidence in being a single mother before marrying Michael, but continuously resurrecting the Michael/Jane/Rafael and Jane/Rafael/Petra was uninteresting, repetitive and tiring to its viewers.

Its representation of black people. Roman Zazo was a killer, who not only killed his own twin brother, but also made Petra have sex with him when he kidnapped her.

Nadine was another neglected character that ended up being killed.

The poor treatment they give to Luisa, who has made terrible mistakes, but is also a metally ill woman that battles addiction. However, she is merely used as comic relief and described as a ‘trainwreck’. If my memories serve me well, the show has used this specific word regarding her, more than once.

Its unreleastic representation of romantic love. In the beginning, Jane was happily engaged to Michael. Then, they broke up and she fell for Rafael. Later, the two also broke up. Eventually, she got over him only to fall in love with both of them in a couple of episodes and almost immediately after she realized it’s always been Michael. Seriously? I don’t think science has a consensus about how someone falls in love, if you can love two people at once or whether you can fall in love with a previous lover after you were over them and in a happy relationship with someone else, but that’s not even the point. The thing is, you cannot trust its own narrative. It’s become repetitive, confusing and incoherent with its previous statements. You can’t even trust on the heart glowing thing, because that happens whenever the characters feel strong emotions with their loved ones. It happened when Jane was holding Mateo after he was born and when the Villanuevas were celebrating Mother’s Day. The only way to have some certainty is based on how the actors’ performances and their declarations, because imo they are even more responsible for developing their characters than the writers. The writers keep moving in circles and the actors need to try to make the best of it and deliver their lines convincingly, but I believe even for them it must be difficult to buy it. Therefore, I take their acting and declarations more seriously, because they at least keep a line of thinking instead of the writers that just go back and forth.

Rose - who used to be an intriguing character - got reduced to a I don’t even know what. She was/is a huge crime lord, but all that potention was thrown way. The show didn’t explore her criminal life at all, only her relationship with Luisa and multiple disguises. Currently, she is back for a mysterious reason, but after four seasons, I believe it’s safe to say she will be neglected as well and whatever she does will be anticlimactic.

The objetification. I don’t get the obsession they have/had with Rafael’s abs and why they would make Petra sleep with every basic/trash white man they introduced. On season three they focused more on Jane managing to have casual sex with Fabian than her book and dream of being a published author. I get that was important for her, but releasing her book was everything she ever worked for her entire life. Ignoring that was disrespectful.

Losing its essence and becoming like every other telenovela: throwing a twist after another, not exploring its effects on the characters and repeating storylines everyone’s sick of.

Not having the characters dealing with their traumas and metal illness or having almost all of it happening off camera. Luisa struggles with alcoholism and an on and off abusive relationship, Rogelio was kidnapped, Mateo was kidnapped, Petra was kidnapped, Petra forced herself to have sex with the man who kidnapped her so she could find a way get out of her captivity, Petra lived with an abusive mother, Petra was freaking paralyzed by her own sister, Petra had postpartum depression, Michael was shot, almost got killed and then he was tortured with eletroshocks until he got amnesia and lost five years of his life and I’m sure there is more that I’ve missed. Still, what do they focus on? Ridiculous love triangles.

Although Rafael is not my favorite character, he and Petra were the ones that had the most interesting potential backgrounds. Petra grew up without a father in Czechoslovakia, Alba always used her as a tool to get by and she left the country running away from a man who attacked her mother. Even in the United States, there is so much they could’ve shown of her before and after meeting Rafael, getting married, pregnant and losing the baby. On the other hand, Rafael could’ve had a journey of self-discovery and found his biological family and finally getting the love he didn’t receive from his adoptive parents. All wasted pontetial as well.

Changing the entire dynamics of the show in order to execute one storyline. To get to a point where Jane chooses Rafael, they had to: ‘kill’ Michael, do time jumps and have the characters almost ready to be together. Rafael basically became a different character, they got rid of Lina so he would be her best friend and even in some scenes that there would’ve made more sense to have an Alba/Jane moment because they both lost their husbands, they made a jafael moment.

Its frustrating depiction of family. I don’t hide the fact I’m a villadero shipper and would’ve loved to see Michael/Jane/Mateo being a blended family. I know I won’t get that, but the twins barely spend time with Rafael. Or they do, but it’s mostly off camera. And that’s not enough. I don’t need fourty minutes of them together or therapy, but it’s important to show that on television. It’s important to show parents giving their kids equal love and attention, just like it’s important to show mentally ill characters getting help. This speaks to the audience and can even change the way somebody acts. Television is powerful. Still, even if Rafael does give the same amount of attention and love to their children, the show doesn’t illustrate that. And that’s one of the reasons why I think Ellie and Anna are basically perfect. So Mateo is the one who is distracted, sad, confused or whatever. And no, I’m not criticizing a kid. But we see Mateo being comforted by Rafael, having Rafael telling him stories and things like that. We get way less scenes from Rafael and the girls and sometimes it is just him saying he will pick them up or something off camera. And I really can’t remember any moment where they were the ones who were vulnerable and Rafael comforted them. Or just them playing and having fun. Not even with him when Rafael was with Jane and Mateo.

Not even between Mateo and the twins. They love to say they are family and I more than anyone know siblings fight, but siblings also love and protect each other. I can only remember one soft scene with the three of them and it was because that was convenient at the moment. But a scene of them playing just for the sake of it, or maybe even comforting or supporting one other would be adorable. Like, have they ever hug? I get that if Rafael and Jane live together with Mateo they will consenquently spend more time together and that’s not a problem. However, the show just executes the stereotype of only biological families being valid and sends the message it’s okay to neglect your other children if you’re not dating or married to their mother.

It also took them FIVE FUCKING SEASONS to show Jane and Petra being friends and having fun. And again, it was only out of convinience. Jane couldn’t decide what to do regarding her situation with Rafael and Michael and no one could give her advice. So she goes to Petra and they drink their asses off and sort of have fun. And that other day when they went to a lesbian bar. They say they’re friends and even family, but certaintly doesn’t feel like it. Do they care about each other? Yeah. Still, it’s like that cousin who lives in other part of the country and you see once a year. Firstly you’re happy, but after they spend a week in your house you realize why you barely see each other or keep in touch when they’re gone. I get they are very different, but everytime they are together they sort of argue. An honest and deep conversation like some that Jane’s had with Lena? I’m afraid it’s never happened or going to.

Total disrespect to their own character, Brett who was generous enough to return while he is part of another show and his fans. Not only they brought him back to play a minor role, but he didn’t even get the respect to have his point of view shown. The man was almost killed, tortured, lost five years of his life, came back to see that everything had changed and felt like a burden, but they don’t actually focus on what he feels? Just as how sad Rafael is? It’s one thing to show both sides, but to only explore Rafael’s feelings as if he’s the one who had it worse is ridiculous and insensitive.

Rafael’s deppression. Again, I don’t want to get technical about it, specially because that’s not my professional area and I could be wrong. The thing is, I don’t think he has depression. I do think he had a lot of shit happening to him and he used to have unhealthy habits whenever he got upset, but there is a difference between getting drunk when you are sad (what almost everyone has or will do once in their lifetime) and having depression. Feeling sad, worthless, suicidal all can be symptons, yes. But there is also not getting any sleep, food or eating/sleeping a lot and more. And I don’t think they show up altogether after one event. Rafael’s had a past drinking when he was feeling low, but that was it. No worthless or suicidal thoughts. No insomnia or sleeping too much or anything else. And that wouldn’t last long. Now I am supposed to believe he has depression? Then actually DEVELOP THAT and SHOW IT TO ME (If A Million Little Things can do a decent job, other shows can too). Don’t get me wrong, I think Rafael might have something, but not actually depression. He sure as hell have reasons to. However, It just seems they threw it so we could empathize with him after the way he treated Jane and root for him. And I bet that will be gone in two seconds once him and Jane reunite. Which leads me to...

The way they insinuated his state was Jane’s fault is disgusting. And I’m sure they will forget this depression storyline once jafael makes up. So yeah, they might have not actually said the words, but the route they took is that it’s Jane’s fault and once they back to their relationship he will be magically healed with their love. Yikes.

Also, the whole Michael x family conflict. That is so LOW. My parents are divorced and their separation was really messy. Despite my personal experience, I’ve seen complicated divorces before and ex-spouses using their children against one another. If Jane ended up with Michael, that wouldn’t make her less of a mother or neglect her family by any means. If anything, Mateo would have a step and godfather who would basically do everything to keep him safe and happy. Mateo would have another person who loves him. Sure, Jane’s priority must be her son, but to give the idea a mother needs to lose her independence because of her child is ridiculous. Mothers are allowed to be divorced, single, marry someone else, have their own time with their friends and even have male and ex-lovers as friends. What makes Jane a good mother is the way she treats her son, the love, attention she gives him. NOT being in a relationship with Rafael. Believe me, I’ve seen some people saying this kind of thing.

Now that Jane and Michael got closure, it looks like he will barely be on the show anymore. Which is wrong on so many levels, because first of all, he was her best friend. Real Jane wouldn’t want him out of her life, but apparently that’s what’s going to happen. And again, it sends a terrible message. She should keep being his friend, talking to him and everything, because being in a relationship doesn’t mean you should lose your (male) friends. And they won’t actually say it, but I don’t see Rafael as the guy that would be okay with Jane being best friends with her ex-husband and therefore we won’t see them interact. Just like we didn’t get Michael to see Jane’s family, that he loved and loved him back. And that’s a terrible message to give to young girls, even if you won’t have it said out loud. Showing it is already enough. The fact some of them are buying it frustrates me. 

Also, like, it baffles me the fact Rafael is getting way with all the ultimatums he gave Jane, the fact he showed no empathy when Jane had the scare of thinking she would lose her mother who is fighting CANCER and he kicked her out of their house the very same night. Or that he turned their son against her or did nothing to get him to talk to Jane again until she called him out. She shouldn’t have to call him out. He is a grown man on his late 30s (or early 40s? idek anymore after the time jumps), he should’ve known better. The breaking point was when he didn’t discipline Mateo for running accross the street, something that could’ve KILLED HIM, just because he was mad at Jane. I get Rafael has gone through a lot of shit, but this doesn’t give him a pass to treat people the way he wants to. Everyone on this show has gone through enough and they don’t behave that way. He might have depression, but he knows when he is wrong. And you can actually see on his eyes when he is talking to Jane that he is defying and provoking her. Just terrible.

The fact Jane is choosing him after all of that pisses me off. If he were still zen Rafael and all, I would be frustrated, but not angry. This gives a really dangerous message for anyone who watches it. Abusive relationships start just like that and even though Rafael never raised a hand to her, that is abusive. Rafael is not a bad person, but he has a lot to work on before he could be with anyone else and for me they don’t belong together. Still, he is manipulative and disrespectul with Jane. And I have enough experience with abusive relationships to say that’s how it begins. Then, they have one conversation and sort of a perfect fairytale phase until the next fight. And media romanticizing this kind of relationship is part of the problem.

Last but not least, the fact Jane will have to FIGHT for this after everything turned something that was already bad into something worse. Not only it’s not worth it, but she is supposed to humiliated herself just because she dared to have feelings and be confused when something totally crazy happened to her? Way to go, writers! That’s how you treat you Latin female protagonist and kill your show. The cast deserved way more, but the writers deserves exact rating numbers they are getting.

So to that troll who said Michael fans were racist for dropping it after he died, there are other reasons why we gave up. Those were things that already bothered me, but I still found the show worth it to keep looking foward to the episodes. And after Michael died, I kept watching it, out of respect for its diverse cast and to give it the benefit of the doubt, but I could only do it until the finale of season 3. I just decided not to waste my time anymore because after 10 episodes it didn’t get any better. For many, Michael was vital for the show. 

Besides Jane, he was the one who interacted with most people. He was close to Jane’s family, Rogelio’s best friend, Mateo’s stepfather/godfather and a detective. After he lost his job/’died’, the criminal aspect of the show was basically ignored.

One season one, he wasn’t with Jane, but he was there and things were still intriguing. Once he was gone, the show changed completely. Characters were written off, time had passed and it didn’t feel organic. And there were a lot of other stuff that kept people from watching it again. The fact you want to bring race for something that has nothing to do with (breaking news! Rafael is white too! Just because your boy has some tan and speaks spanish he is not a person of color) is pathetic. That’s not being woke. Bye.

[ineedtempo]

Why did Eva live ?

‘Just because you’re used to something doesn’t mean you like it. You’re used to me.’

Lynne Ramsay’s excellent We Need To Talk About Kevin, adapted from the no less brilliant novel by Lionel Shriver, is just as disturbing now as it was once it first came out. It offers no easy answers — in fact, it barely offers any answers at all. We get everything that happened through a red stained perspective, but explanations are harder to find. Maybe because there aren’t any in the first place.

After 90 minutes or so of back and forth between the past and the present, we finally get the whole picture of what happened: Kevin severely injured or killed several of his classmates, as well as his father and sister. With Kevin now in prison, Eva is the only one left in the Khatchadourian family.

As we learned, Eva was here the morning when Kevin went on his killing spree. She could have easily been a victim as well — but Kevin chose to let her go. This aspect of the plot has been the object of much discussion and debate in both bookclubs and film circles. After all, he seemed like he truly despised her through the whole film. So why wouldn’t he kill her too ? After looking through most discussions on the topic, two main theories rise up.

Theory #1: Kevin didn’t kill Eva because he despised her so much he wanted her to suffer for the rest of her life

If there’s one thing that has been established over and over again through the film, it is that Kevin isn’t really fond of his mother — and that’s putting it lightly. Her life was pretty much turned into a living hell from the moment her son was put into the world. As a baby, he screamed endlessly, stopping only when his father came home. As a child, he refused to speak, kept wearing nappies until much after the recommended age, redecorated his mother’s office, endlessly swore and snapped at her. As a teenager, things weren’t much better, just hidden slightly better under a cloak of politeness.

The attitude that Kevin has towards Eva isn’t replicated towards any of the other family members. He torments his sister nicely enough to make her think this is just playful sibling bonding, and keeps up a masquerade of affection towards his father convincingly enough for him to believe it. And yet, they both wind up dead. Not Eva. She’s special, in some way.

This particularly depressing interpretation means something particular: while Kevin shows nothing but apathy for the rest of the world, he somehow is capable of feeling hate for Eva. He understands her feelings, and knows exactly what to do to make the rest of her life a living hell. Why would he only be capable of human feelings towards her ? The answer is unclear. Considering Shriver wrote the novel as a way to explore the worst possible case scenario she could encounter as a mother, the answer most likely lies in the link between the two characters. Perhaps is Kevin resentful of his mother for putting him into a world he so clearly dislikes. Perhaps is the answer something entirely different. In exploring these theories, a common pattern arises: it’s hard to find anything that isn’t just conjecture.

Theory #2: Kevin didn’t kill Eva because he loved and/or respected her (in his own weird way)

This theory pretty much bases itself on the same evidence as the previous one: it admits that Kevin is entirely apathetic to people, with Eva as the only exception to this worldview. This is believed to be shown in the little moments: when Kevin reminds Eva of the first time she hit him and calls it “the only honest thing she’s ever done”, when he seems genuinely amused at his mother’s awful fatphobic rant at their mini golf outing, when he remarks how similar the two of them really are.

One scene in particular seems to be the main proof of Kevin’s secret affection for his mother: the short timespan when he becomes sick as a child. Done are the endless snarky remarks and mean spirited pranks. When Kevin is as his most vulnerable, he latches immediately onto his mother. Why would he do that if he truly hated her ? On the contrary, it seems that since his mother is the only one he’s shown his “true” nature to, she’s also the only one he can afford being vulnerable with. In this short period, the roles are reversed. Too tired to keep up his charade of affection towards his father, he lashes out at him and clings to his mother. It is also during this week that Kevin will develop what will become his only passion, archery, because of a Robin Hood book that Eva read to him while he had a fever.

Once again, this is more or less the same theory as the first one except that evidence is interpreted differently: we could imagine that the reason Kevin feels respect and/or love towards his mother only is precisely because of their relationship. And once again, it’s hard to say what’s real or fake.

Another perspective: Kevin’s school shooting is the result of years of abuse

One main debate surrounds discussion around We Need To Talk About Kevin: is Eva at fault for Kevin’s behaviour ? I tend to stay away from people who both fully believe in Eva’s recounting and blame her all the same. Eva as she is presented in the film is not uncaring and cold by any means. Quite the contrary: Swinton’s performance is brilliant by its nuance and its quiet way of making the audience sympathize with her character.

However, a key aspect of both film and novel is that everything we’re seeing is through Eva’s perspective. Never seeing the inside of Kevin’s mind is what makes the story so chilling in the first place. However, it also excludes any possibility of siding with anyone but Eva. Her accounts of the times she yelled at Kevin, got mad at him and even hit him are unfortunately reminiscent of what an abusive parent would say to justify their outburst. It’s not her fault if Kevin made her do it, right ?

The beginning of Eva’s journey of mother particularly confirm this reading. How could a baby cry on purpose in her mother’s arms and be calm in his father’s for no reason but to spite her ? Kevin’s late development both for words and potty-training could also be considered that something is seriously wrong at home. Years later, when he snaps under the pressure of Eva’s abuse, he still won’t be able to bring himself to hurt her.

Or maybe Eva is just a mother suffering from postpartum depression and who truly inherited the worst possible child a mother could get. Maybe Kevin really is pure evil in human form. The appeal of We Need To Talk About Kevin lies precisely in its lack of answers. Asking ourselves why Eva lived changes nothing from the fact that she did. It might have been pure luck or a conscious choice. It might have been a childish response to his parents’ divorce or something entirely different. The answer we choose to lean towards probably tells us more about ourselves than about Eva and Kevin. If only we knew the answer they chose to tell themselves.

[spiritualgravity]

My Keto Case Study

I can’t remember exactly when I first began to diet. The earliest recollection I have was my freshman year in college, obviously I gained the obligatory “Freshman 15.” A girlfriend of mine was a distributor for Herbal Life — the program included shakes as well as about one million herbal pills.

At some point, I hopped on the Weight Watcher train. My Mother is a “lifer” — meaning she met her goal weight, and for the rest of eternity, will be known as a Life Long member...even if she doesn’t maintain the goal weight. My entire childhood, even until today — on the cusp of turning 40 years old — she still toggles on and off diets regularly...gaining and losing the same 20-30 pounds. We are kindred spirits with a fondness for carbs, but she prefers salty and I prefer sweets.

Over the past five years, I tried WW again, another company with shakes and pills, Whole 30, and I even made up my own program which basically included not eating any processed foods.

Before I got pregnant, I was about 20 pounds overweight. Technically, I actually “should” have weighed 40 pounds less, according to BMI algorithms, but my body has always enjoyed extra padding. I don’t think my infastructure is meant to be stick thin. Going into a process where your body willingly puts on weight in order to grow a human, and you’re already carrying extra poundage, certainly isn’t ideal.

I dropped some weight after giving birth, because said human left my midsection. Then, I’d like to think, that breastfeeding knocked off a few more pounds. Many months later, I eventually got down to the weight I started with when I was pregnant — which was — 20 pounds overweight. Sigh.

{Postpartum Photos}

In June, eight and a half months after giving birth, I stopped breastfeeding, and hadn’t worked out...not even broken a sweat...since right before giving birth. My entire pregnancy, all 41 weeks, I worked out religiously at CrossFit, and then never looked back once becoming a Mommy. This isn’t because I didn’t want to do overhead squats and crazy WODs, but because my baby didn’t sleep. I was essentially a zombie for her first year of life, while juggling and navigating postpartum depression.

Over the summer, while visiting my parents’ home, a friend from childhood came over to see my daughter and catch up. To my surprise, she dropped dozens and dozens of pounds. Our figures are very similar, we could even pass for sisters from below the neck. I was impressed by her success, and curious how she did it. Meanwhile, my Mother sat in the background at the kitchen table, overhearing our entire conversation, and decided she wanted in on the “Ketogenic” program, known as Keto.

Just like my Mom, I have historically lost weight for an event. Weddings were my go-to weight loss event, particularly when I was a bridesmaid (12 times no less). This particular time around, my Mom wanted to lose weight for a cruise she was going on in September; she went on the ship 15 pounds lighter but then subsequently didn’t stick to Keto.

For the next few weeks, after my initial talk with the successful Keto friend, I cannonballed headfirst into Google research. I consumed videos, read articles, watched more videos, and then read some more articles. After my sister’s wedding in early August, during the 13 hour drive back from New York, I spent some more time reading, and reading, and reading. It probably didn’t hurt that I also became privy to photos of me from the wedding — not only did I immediately realize I sadly no longer needed to wear nursing bras with zero support (Dear God, why didn’t anyone tell me?!?), but I did in fact need to get healthier. My body and face looked inflamed, and I was tired of not being able to wear my pre-pregnancy jeans.

I asked countless follow-up questions to my successful Keto friend, and also to another gal who lost a massive amount of weight following the Keto program (under a doctor’s supervision). I decided I was in.

My personality, at a microscopic level, is all in or nothing at all; I do not know what half-assing means. Some people call this discipline, I call it not wasting my time.

So on August 13th, I officially weighed in and measured my Mommy curves to begin the journey on a ketogenic diet. I’ve had curves since I hit puberty. I embrace them, and love that my strong legs resemble tree trunks. An hour glass figure isn’t the worst card to be dealt. So when I say curves, I just mean the extra thickkkkk curves that came with pregnancy. 

I wasn’t strict as far as counting macros, I simply counted (in my head) the number of net carbs I was consuming. That’s how my friend did it, so I figured I’d follow her lead. As it turned out, I personally needed to count my macros (ratio of protein / fat / carbs) in order to follow Keto correctly. I began using a free and easy app called Carb Manager for about two months until I got the hang of things and haven’t used it since because now I know what’s what.

Some people call Keto a diet, I’d like to think it’s my new lifestyle. I have absolutely no idea how long I’ll follow this lifestyle. I’m not naive enough to say for my lifetime, but it definitely isn’t going to be a shortlived stint. 

This process has been incredibly humbling at a visceral level. For starters, I am embarrassed to admit how incredibly ignorant I used to be when it came to judging things I knew nothing about. One of my best friends, who is fighting a chronic heart condition, first brought up the word “Keto” over the phone last year. I immediately snubbed the idea, exacerbated, I said, “it’s just like Atkins” (which was meant to be a negative connotation), and shut down the thought of her doing this diet. For the record, it’s not like Atkins (that program touts high protein, whereas Keto is moderate protein — this is signficant because too much protein can be turned into glucose/sugar). 

“The biggest form of ignorance is rejecting something you know nothing about.” - Wayne Dyer

The Ketogenic gurus are also hyper focused on not eating fake sugar, particularly lots of phony faux sweetners that are labeled “Keto” on the package, but are absolutely not Keto-approved because they will still spike your blood sugar levels as if you’re actually eating sugar. 

{Source: Epilepsy Foundation}

The name ketogenic means that it produces ketones in the body. (keto = ketone; genic = producing) Ketones are formed when the body uses fat for its source of energy.

Usually the body uses carbohydrates (such as sugar, bread, pasta) for its fuel. Because the ketogenic diet is very low in carbohydrates, fats become the primary fuel instead. The body can work very well on ketones (and fats).

Ketones are not dangerous. They can be detected in the urine, blood, and breath. Ketones are one of the more likely mechanisms of action of the diet, with higher ketone levels often leading to improved seizure control. However, there are many other theories for why the diet will work.

Secondly, for as long as my temporal lobes can recall, I have been adamantly against fasting…and, I’m not exactly sure why. Again, just another position I claimed with literally zero education or facts. My husband, for years and years, suggested I workout while fasting. I swore to him that I would fall flat on my face if I ever tried such an absurd strategy. 

Since I have been a devout low calorie follower, I’ve been chronically hungry. I was brainwashed to believe, with most of America, to have Fatphobia. I drank skim milk, which has a lot of sugar. I ate low fat packaged snacks, which were packed full of sugar. I ate mini meals all day long, 6 times a day. In other words, I was spiking my insulin all day long. My purse was always, without fail, full of munchies. Protein bars, crackers, apples, and a myriad of other nibbles. I would not, could not, leave my house without emergency food within arm’s reach. God forbid I got hungry and immediately turned hangry. Come to think of it, I was basically a 5′4″ child who was, at any given time, on the verge of a meltdown from being ravenousness. I didn’t quite realize it, but I was starving myself, and yet ironically, still overweight.

When I started Keto, my motivation was weight loss. But, what’s fascinating, is learning that weight loss is actually a side effect. The Ketogenic diet was originally designed for people who suffered from epilepsy and helped control their seizures. Ketogenic eating has been known to decrease inflammation in the body, eliminate diseases such as diabetes or heart conditions, sleep issues, GI troubles, and the resolution list goes on and on. 

What I’ve learned is that our bodies have 2 primary sources of fuel — glucose  (sugar / carbs), and fat. When you eliminate or greatly reduce glucose / sugar / carbs, your body will eventually start to burn fat for fuel. Luckily, I have a tremendous amount of excess fat that’s been waiting for an intevention. 

There is an enormous amount of misinformation ‘out there’ about eating Keto, and I am the first to admit I was super skeptical before I did my homework. 

Keto can get a bad rap for eating unlimited bacon, cheese, and bacon cheeseburgers. The other night, while out to eat with a group of ladies, for an appetizer I had a wedge salad (which includes veggiesc and crumbled blue cheese), and for dinner I had broccoli, asparagus, and a delicious steak. I put a little bit of real butter on my veggies. Also, the table enjoyed an array of desserts and not only did I not partake in the sugar fix, I didn’t even want any / I didn’t feel like I was missing out. In my past carb-laden life, I plunged my spoon into the dish first, and shoveled the brownie and ice cream into my pie hole as fast as I possibly could. There are varying versions of keto, that range from “dirty” to “clean.” When you eat dirty Keto, that’s what has given the program an unhealthy shadiness reputation on the streets. I fall in line closer to the cleaner side of keto, but have my dirty moments, and always eat organic, nitrate-free, etc. whenever possible. Oh and for the record, I usually drink one glass of red wine with my dinners. I may have lost weight, but I haven’t lost my damn mind. I draw the line at giving up my vino, that’s non-negotiable, and more importantly — I’ve been able to stay in ketosis. And yes I eat a small serving of fruit from time to time, berries are the best option and happen to be my favorite. 

Because every one is different, literally and metaphorically, results vary. My personal journey was that I shrunk in size, but the scale didn’t have impressive numbers to show for my effort. 

Come October, on the same day that my daughter turned one year old, I joined a gym. By that time, I had two months of Keto under my belt. Since I was a CrossFit junkie for 3 years pre-baby, I had to check my ego at the fitness facility’s door and slowly take it one day at a time. Besides picking up a baby thousands of times, I really hadn’t moved a muscle in 365 days. My body went through an enormous metamorphosis after making a little person, and I knew in my bones that I truly had to ease my way back into a safe grove. I sat down with a registered nurse at the gym and she did a body mass analysis using a machine that can calculate your composition make-up. 

This is where my self-fulfilling prophecy manifested, in the form of a personal case study. During college, I sucked at all things math, but ironically I was a wanna-be wizard at statistics. I got a B+ and until this day, I live for stats. With this documented analysis, I was stoked to have a baseline for my Keto journey that was more than just a generic number on a scale. Sure, I have baggage with the God foresaken scale, but now I truly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the scale does not tell the whole story. 

Next up, I went to my Primary Care Physician’s office and had blood work drawn, along with a physical exam. I would also use these clinical insights as a foundation for improving my health, as well as proving that this way of eating is in fact healthy and not destroying my heart or other organs, or jacking up my cholesterol. 

Come January, I started to dabble in “I.T.” — intermittent fasting.

Now, when I say I’ve done my research, I mean an absurd amount of research. For almost a decade, my profession has been based in the medical field, so I’ve become a wee bit snobby when it comes to peer reviewed, scientific-based information. Blogs and anecdotal banter do not hold a candle in my book; I want facts, documentation, and proof. I want real stories from real people. I want lab work and the truth.

From mid-October through today, I’ve worked out on average about 4 times a week for one hour at a time. I joined a gym that has a daycare and now the sun shines a little brighter. My mini me gets to socialize with little people, and I get to lift weights (which doesn’t entail lifting a little person). I no longer listen to music while working out and I’ve become unapologetically obsessed with Podcasts. I realize I’m way, way behind the digital audio fad, but nonetheless I can’t get enough of them. Despite my husband’s dismay at potentially drowning my iPhone, I even listen to Youtube videos and Podcasts in the shower for goodness sake. Oprah, Tony Robbins and their leadership development peers make regular appearances, but for the most part, I’m quite literally up to my ears in Keto-related content. 

Maybe this is because I’m a real life sponge and adore the process of learning. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trained through my professional line of work that it takes listening/reading/hearing the SAME information at least 5x before you even retain a fraction of it. Who knows.

With that said, I’ve been convinced through dozens and dozens and dozens of 'classroom’ hours that intermittent fasting is a phenomenal practice for our bodies. And, if my own mad scientist research wasn’t enough, then when my friend who is currently battling breast cancer was told by her global team of physicians to do I.T. because it helps shrink those asshole cancer cells, certainly proved the point that removing sugar from our systems is a miracle worker.

I.T. comes in different forms because there are a variety of disciplines, but the most popular one is 16:8 / you don’t eat for a 16 hour window and you do eat for an 8 hour window. Within that 16 hour window, you’re sleeping for hopefully 7-8 hours of them, which basically means you don’t eat breakfast and you start your first meal with lunch. And, here’s the fun part — when you get the majority of your fuel from healthy fats, you aren’t even hungry, so fasting is actually not a big deal. Just like the rest of my journey, I worked up to this goal. I started with 12 hours, then 13, and so on.

I tried a longer fast, about 60 hours, in January. This was supposed to be some type of reset for my body. I felt like my weight loss was stalling, despite no cheats and working out. The first day was extremely difficult for me, I wanted to quit throughout the afternoon. The second day was a complete 180 degree turn — I wasn’t hungry and felt totally fine. But, I wanted to eat anyway. This experience really helped me stare my relationship with food face-to-face. I quieted my mind and asked why did I want to eat, I wasn’t even hungry. I realized that it’s the habit of eating I was used to, even if I wasn’t hungry.

Several people I know have loved ones who had gastric bypass surgery. It broke my heart to hear that there is no counseling after the fact — sure it’s available, but they weren’t utilizing it, nor was it required. And, they were back to their original style of eating and unhealthy types of food that qualified them for this surgery to begin with. 

Food can be used as a drug, just like other stereotypical vices including gambling and shopping. I know that no matter what “diet” or lifestyle change I become a VIP member to, it’s just a Band-Aid until I fix the root of the issue — using food to fill me up. I also realize that history has a way of repeating itself and I’ve walked in my Mother’s shoes, witnessing her on some type of diet my entire life.

I am approaching the 8 month mark as a Ketogenic crony, and here is where things currently stand:

I’ve lost 21 pounds. 

I’ve lost 14 inches between my hips, waist, thighs and chest.

I’ve lost 2-3 pant sizes — even fitting in to my “goal pants” (which I have never been able to zip up, including when I bought them years ago).

I weigh less than I did at my wedding four years ago.

I mentally and physically feel amazing and am rarely hungry. I repeat, I am not hungry. Eating fat is satiating...what a freaking concept (girl hits empty carb head against brick wall).

In all of my days walking this earth, no one has ever once told me that I was tiny. Last week, two people on the same evening said, “You’re tiny.” Granted, I am not tiny. In fact, I’m technically still overweight on the BMI algorithm, and according to...what I like to refer to as my Momma Kangaroo belly pouch... but that leads me to my next point.

One week ago I had my follow-up appointment with both the gym’s registered nurse as well as my PCP. I had both original tests re-run in order to determine, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was 100% healthy. Obviously being able to stowaway my maternity jeans, and have my leggings become baggy speaks for itself, but I wanted to know what was really going on behind the zippers and elastic bands.

At the PCP appointment, my provider couldn’t stop gloating about how much weight I had dropped since our last visit. The next day, an email came through with results from the blood work as a 3-page report. At the very end it says, and I quote, “Your lipid panel results are acceptable. Continue your Keto diet, it is not detrimental to your cholesterol.” 

My body composition test results were also impressive. 

BMI —from 30.2 (obese) to 27.9 (overweight)

Body Fat %: 37.2 to 35.2

Blood pressure — from 130/80 to 110/78

And what really made me jump for joy, was finding out the breakdown of my “dry lean mass” and “body fast mass.” The nutritionist, who was a skinny mini, said to me, “Your skeletal muscle mass is nearly above average. I’ve spent my whole life doing massive amounts of cardio, which is why I’m so skinny, but I should have been doing much more weightlifting and less cardio. Keep doing what you’re doing.” In other words, the stupid scale not moving exponentially and “only” losing about 20 pounds is a bunch of bologne. I legitimately have put on muscle, praise the Lord almighty. 

So there you have it folks. This is one way of getting healthy. I’m sure it’s not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me. I do not feel deprived, whatsoever. The food I eat is absolutely delicious, I’m satisifed after eating, and there are thousands of Keto-friendly recipes to make the process a breeze — including yummy alternative carb staples such as breads. 

I’ll sign off with a few insider tips and resources.

Drink a lot of water. People — listen to me — do this anyway. But especially if you’re doing Keto. I drink 3 liters of water a day. My goal is to drink 1 by noon, 1 by 5pm, and the rest before bed.

You’ll lose water weight and with that, electrolytes will flush out, which is why you want to replace them. Otherwise, you’ll get what’s called the “Keto Flu.” Don’t do that. Up your electrolytes (potassium, magnesium and sodium), ideally through whole foods but also in supplements (vitamins and/or electrolyte drinks). By eating Ketogenic-friendly foods, your body won’t get as much of this as it normally would and balanced electrolytes make you feel awesome. 

Don’t be scared of veggies just because they have carbs. Veggies are good for you, really really good for you and have tons of fiber. They’re not all created equal of course, but enjoy your greens every single day.

I don’t recommend starting out with Keto-style desserts / sweets or Keto breads. You can work those into your meals later on, once you’ve gotten fat adapted (Google what that means), but they should be considered a treat and not a staple in your everyday regimen. 

Check out these links for Dr. Fung —all things Intermittent Fasting — and Dr. Berg for all things Keto and nutrition. 

You don’t have to do this in order to follow Keto, but I have enjoyed drinking exogenous ketones for the last few months. I drink it as my “pre workout” drink or while I’m working out. It gives me lots of energy and all the benefits of ketones. I have a customer referral code if anyone would like it.

This may be the first time, in all of my diet dabbling years, that I’ve ever truly faced why I treated food like medication. It’s also the first time I’ve ever tried to lose weight and it wasn’t for an event. 

I’m turning 40 years old this summer and we may consider giving my daughter a sibling, if that’s what the good Lord wills. My ‘event’ milestones with a dress size to fit into has been replaced with the lifelong milestone of being a Mother. I want to be a confident woman who my daughter looks up to and admires my health from the inside — out. I want her to know that food is for nutrition, not for stuffing feelings down. I want her to know that the scale doesn’t define her worth. I want her to know that muscles and strength is sexy. I want her to know that she’s perfect exactly the way she is. 

[midwestwifelife-blog]

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Whose the fairest of them all?

Normally I’m not one for new year resolutions but this year is a bit different. 2018 brought life changing events which made me realize I have to be my best self from here on out. Pregnancy is a crazy beautiful thing that also messes with every part of your body physically, mentally and emotionally. I can honestly say I don’t like who I see in the mirror and have taken the steps to bettering myself for me, and most importantly for my son.

I think the most obvious would be what I physically see in the mirror, when I actually decide to look. I’ve always had a relatively flat stomach and carried my weight in my butt, legs, arms and face. About a year before I got pregnant I went on a weight loss journey where I lost just over 60 pounds for my wedding. I didn’t gain as much weight as I thought I would but I can tell I definitely have some pounds to loose. The biggest transformation from my pregnancy would be in my stomach. Towards the end my stomach was so big, turns out I was housing an (almost) eleven pound baby and the only way out was by c section. Surprisingly I love my scar as a reminder of what I went through. The purple stretch marks that cover my entire lower stomach however aren’t so cute. I know in time they should fade but right now I am super self conscious about them. I’ve been using moisturizers and creams with hopes they lighten up but so far I haven’t seen any progress. Another fun addition to my body is the lovely belly pouch. My uterus shrunk back to normal size within days which was great, but now I have this little pouch of belly fat that I never had before. This makes putting clothes on emotionally exhausting. Thankfully I am able to see my nutritionist and get back on track but it can’t come soon enough!

The other big struggle is physically getting myself ready. I would rather spend my time snuggling my little babe than to spend time doing my hair and makeup. Before kids I used to love experimenting with hair styles and new make up. Now, I just don’t feel cute enough to even try.

I know everything takes time, but with my recent postpartum depression the physical is staring at me in the face which makes it a million times harder to over come it.

The second situation is my mental state. Outside of my postpartum depression I feel like I have a few things I could work on mentally. I need to learn to love my new self and love my new role. Your life changes in a matter of seconds and no amount of preparation can get you ready. I am so in love with my little man, I am so in love with being a mom, but I need to fall in love with this new life and new routine. The last 12 weeks alone with my little has taught me a lot. I no longer can deal with the little petty shit that comes with life. I am not the same person I was before. My priorities have shifted and sometimes that makes me a bad friend. I constantly miss phone calls and never return them, I read text messages and don’t reply on a daily basis, when someone asks if I want to do something, I feel terrible but I really don’t. I want to sit and stare at Gray to make sure I don’t miss a thing. I want to be a lazy hermit who doesn’t leave her house and that’s okay! I spent 10 months creating a life and 56 hours of labor bringing that life into the world. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I am obsessed with him and honestly I’m okay with it. I am completely content with my life at home raising my boy and growing with my husband as much as I love and adore my friends. I am sorry if some people in my life can’t understand that it isn’t personal and that a lot of it has to do with these huge changes I’ve endured over the last 10 months. I’ve been told that these feelings of wanting to stay home or being anti social will pass, which I am ready for, but I also want to make sure I maintain a balance. I love my friends, and I love that they love Gray. I want to feel normal again, find a routine that can balance both worlds, but for right now I know I’m feeling these things for a reason. The first few months with a newborn are for bonding, and that, right now is my first priority.

I am done apologizing for things I’m not sorry for. This is a big one. I am constantly labeled as an asshole or bitch because I speak my mind and hold people accountable to their actions. I genuinely appreciate when people are upfront and honest with me and would never turn around and consider someone an asshole if they are speaking their mind or holding me accountable for something I may have done. Moving into 2019 I refuse to surround myself with people who “betray” me or disrespect me when it’s not deserved. I am far from perfect but I wasted so much time and efforts the last few years trying to make amends with people who continue to treat me like dirt. It’s not worth my time, energy or emotions. I would like to think I’m a pretty decent human being who cares strongly for others and would do anything to help if someone needed it, and I don’t deserve to be treated like shit for no reason. Coming to this realization has been life changing. I no longer worry about things I can’t control and it’s been freeing.

You must love yourself before you can start to see change from within. I would say I love myself 70% of the time but these things in combination with a few other things that I’m not quite ready to share are what is holding me back from that 100! I need to put my son first and to be my best self, no bullshit, no drama, and no backstabbing. I want to be able to spend as much time with my baby because he is growing up too fast, spend time with my husband who is my rock and mold our family into a solid unit. I have always been aware of myself and can admit mistakes as well as take responsibility for my actions and that won’t change. I want to get to a point mentally where I can worry less, be surrounded by support systems and learn to love myself in this new light. I am so blessed with the opportunities I have been given, I won’t take them for granted.

Until next time..

-T