#posting this is still hard

[the-moon-loves-the-sea]

Pride's a strange time for me. For years it was a quiet, sad, hopeful little silent celebration for me -- for as long as it took to get my family all the way out of the cult where we trained, and worked, and worshiped, and lived.

Whenever we run into people from the cult who've made it out -- really out, not just left but stopped believing in the demons that haunt forbidden things waiting to latch onto us, and the immediate perfection of the soul, and our responsibility to personally bring about the imminent end of the world -- when we find them it's like finding family. They know what it was like.

So we sat around the table, the other night, talking about how the church attached to it closed down, and how much worse we felt for a while after we left, and how much better we feel now. And then one of them said that the cult might be about to close too. They're running out of money. They have been for a long time, but they've got no land and no companies left to sell.

So I went into Pride with a strange feeling of collapse -- restraint gone with the walls of the place that used to stand between me and the rest of you.

My sister just left a few months ago. My mom a few months before that. Neither of them has really processed how it was, though they've started to understand a bit. When I try to talk to them about it, they shut down. The boundaries of the things they're not allowed to think still hold. They might always. Hell is a deep fear.

It's strange that the one thing I'm thankful I took from the cult was my partner. I'm so glad I've got him -- me, a dyke, not that I knew that when I got married; my first kiss was my wedding day and we hadn't done more than hold hands. He was the first one to ask if I wanted to leave. He wanted me to be okay more than he wanted me to stay. He's been the first one to gladly hear all the things I was doubting and all the forbidden things I'd learned. He's made space for me and kept liking me while I've learned how to be angry and sad and assertive and tired. He's figured out how to be my partner now that I can't be his wife any more.

For a while we had plans to separate as soon as I finished college. My cult's college degree is unaccredited and I have no work experience outside them and the church. I don't even know how to write a resume. We've had to postpone that indefinitely. Kiddo has multiple disabilities, and one of us needs to stay with her, and my partner has work experience, so he's bringing in the income. We're in a holding pattern. And yet.

Our house does not belong to them. None of our income comes through them. They don't have access to records of our spiritual care or our mental health. I have an ex-fundie lesbian therapist, and meds, and friends. I've got a queer book club. I can go to Pride with my family, look across the street at my friend from the cult praying and protesting the event, and know that if she sees me, it doesn't matter any more. I own my soul.

Year by year the boundaries of me get clearer. I don't feel like a ghost now, and I'm figuring out how to be a person.

I've been here on tumblr for twelve years, over the whole course of this slow escape, from the year I married my husband until now. A lot of what I saw here helped me imagine a happy future for us, and learn about queer history, and give a sense of family and a place in the world. I know some of you are coming from similar pain, and I hope you know I'm with you. And I don't talk about my life on here that often, but it's good that I can. The only people left living with me love all of me. Happy Pride, y'all.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

License to Kitty.

[3motionally3xhausted]

Nocturne Apprenticeship AU // Dreamer AU

Apparently I'm making more stuff for my Apprenticeship AUs rn so here's the Dreamer AU. The main concept of this AU: Danny doesn't believe he's entirely dead & created a delusion that everything since his death has been a dream.

He's just sleeping.

[tawnysoup]

Learning to accept support

[ot3]

whenever your political understanding of gender gets you to 'men are oppressed for being men' you've taken a wrong turn. but so many people find their way there regardless

[sketchy-tour]

Redrew some of my old daycare attendant doodles as stress relief today

[palomalexa]

Always inside your mind.

[arealtrashact]

Now it's my turn to chase the monsters away

[umblrspectrum]

"smaller mass" you say

[humans-are-tasty]

[fence-time]

Horse party🐴💥

[chalkrub]

assorted art fights, one of which I even tried to use a new semi-lineless style on….actually using art fight to experiment, can you believe it?

[abyssal-ilk]

one of the most annoying things about being both a sera and vivienne enjoyer isn't even the fandom. it's the game itself that is like. primed to try and make you dislike both of them. or at the very least it operates under the assumption that you already don't like them.

the player is rarely allowed to give sera actually positive and understanding responses but is given every opportunity to kick her out of the inquisiton (she is the only companion this is a constant option for) and to insult her/her beliefs. so many of the player dialogue choices have the inquisitor calling sera unreasonable or nonsensical but so few letting you fully agree with her in a way that doesn't sound condescending in some way. this even extends to some of the companions and how they interact with her.

and then for vivienne, she is constantly referred to as being untrustworthy, manipulative, and "only in it for her own goals" when. surprise. everyone here is here for their own goals. solas and blackwall actively lie to and manipulate the player while iron bull has the potential to turn on them completely and cassandra repeatedly presses the inquisitor into being a religious icon to fit her own beliefs, even when they protest. not even mentioning the "but what's her real agenda 🤔" line in her character trailer, the snow white reference in her personal quest, and how her epilogue slides have this Edge to them that no one else seems to get.

idk!! just wow. wish the game liked them more.

[collophora]

Do yourself a favor and go read the entire fanfic work of @fanfoolishness

(In order: Under sun and shade, Blind Side, and Breathless (patching up is one of my fav too, I just had no cool sketch idea for it)

[vi-visected]

my therapist: how are you feeling in the wake of your (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis?

me: well it makes sense doesn’t it? i was the one who requested testing. like on some level i kind of figured.

my therapist: yes, i’m personally glad we pursued it because it helps me better understand parts of your behavior and how to accommodate you. but how do you feel about it? you said before that you were in heavy denial about the possibility when you were younger.

me: well yeah, i had a preconceived idea of what autism was that i know now wasn’t true. but at the time it was distressing and i didn’t want to think about it too hard.

my therapist: how was it different then? what was your idea of autism then?

me: it was, you know, severe developmental delay. i never thought i had developed abnormally at all, so to try and match up the severity i associated with autism and the way i viewed myself, i just couldn’t.

my therapist: but you did.

me: sorry?

my therapist: you did develop abnormally. both socially and academically.

me: socially yes, but i had no problems with academics. i always especially excelled at reading comprehension, more so than anyone else in my grade. i started lagging in high school but i think that was a lot of burnout and depression and ptsd, probably. i was incredibly smart. hell, i spoke in full sentences earlier than most of my peers.

my therapist: violette, that’s still abnormal development.

me: …huh?

my therapist: developing abnormally fast is still developing abnormally.

me:

me: oh.

[waitineedaname]

Al coming back from his travels: Xing was great! I've learned so much about alkahestry, and I think we're really making progress and getting Jerso and Zampano's bodies back! It was really nice to see Mei, and Ling is doing a great job as emperor, and I even got to visit some of Xing's neighbors to the east! I feel like I'm learning more about alchemy and alkahestry every day

Ed coming back from his travels: I Have Been Banned From Five Countries