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sixpossumsinatrenchcoat · 11 months ago

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Emotion Sickness (part 1/2)

After the curtain falls, Siffrin adjusts to life without the script. A postgame epilogue to In Stars and Time. (ISAT spoilers abound).

You are lying in a field. (You are always lying in a field.) Mirabelle leans over you, smiling. “Siffrin! It’s time to wake up!” Something tugs at you— (—r stomach flips squirms squeezes, muscle spasms, hunger pangs. It’s motion sickness but the motion isn’t up or down, it’s a leftward jerk into regret, to the very beginning of, of everything, anything, it’s still sheer potential, enough to make you—) —twist away from your pillow and puke.

You are lying in a field. (You are always lying in a field.) Mirabelle leans over you, smiling. “Siffrin! It’s time to wake up!”

Something tugs at you—

(—r stomach flips squirms squeezes, muscle spasms, hunger pangs. It’s motion sickness but the motion isn’t up or down, it’s a leftward jerk into regret, to the very beginning of, of everything, anything, it’s still sheer potential, enough to make you—)

—twist away from your pillow and puke.

“Sif?” someone mumbles. Isa. He’s here to confess. No. He’s here because he sleeps here. You share a tent when you’re on the road. “You good?”

“Never better!!!” you don’t say, because you’re too busy choking on vomit.

There’s a weighty silence.

“…Sif?”

You take another swing at it. “Nhrrbhlr.”

(Ni~ce work, stardust! A huge improvement! Maybe next time, you’ll be able to use actual words!

Just kidding. Loop isn’t in your head anymore. The trouble is, they aren’t anywhere else, either.)

“Sif, are you— Oh, boy.”

He’s upset. Of course he’s upset. You just threw up in his tent. Where he sleeps.

“Aw, crab, bud, are you— Is it something you ate? Do you have any, I dunno, food allergies?”

“Pineapple,” you choke out.

“We didn’t eat any pineapples though?”

“No.” You can’t keep the scorn out of your voice. Of course you didn’t eat any pineapple. If you had, you’d be dead.

You squint up at him. You cannot see him through the dark, only the barest outline. A figure half-crouched, silvered in moonlight. One hand outstretched toward you. Hesitating. Almost touching you, but not touching you.

You curl forward and throw up.

* * *

Before Bonnie wakes up, your friends take the opportunity to talk about you. Probably they think you’re out of earshot. They still don’t know how quiet you’ve learned how to be.

Isa scratches the back of his neck. “So until we reach a town or, I dunno… bump into a tent merchant or something…”

“We can all share!!” Mira insists. “It’ll be a bit of a squeeze, but we can make it work!!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the voice of reason cuts in. “We’d have to sleep stacked like sardines.”

“I don’t mind sleeping outside,” you announce.

The others flinch. You scared them. But of course you did. It’s scary, never knowing if someone might be listening. People aren’t supposed to move so soundlessly that they start to disappear. That’s what ghosts do.

At least now they know how quiet you can be.

“W-Woah!” Isa’s voice sounds a little shriller than usual. “Sif!! I totally didn’t see you there at all!!”

Yes. You could tell.

As usual, Odile is quickest to recover. “We were just discussing the reallocation of resources.”

“Since I ruined the tent.”

“…Because you got sick, yes.”

Almost as sick as you are of me and all my— No. She won’t like that. “Haha, sorry. I guess it got a little… in-tents in there.”

Isa chokes on a laugh. But it must not have been that funny, because he stops laughing the second Mira and Odile turn to stare.

(Do better.) “Aw, come on. No need to ‘throw up’ your defenses.”

Isabeau sputters. Looks like you’ve still got it.

“Siffrin,” Odile says firmly. You try not to flinch. “No one is upset about the tent. But we are a bit, ah— No, we have to talk about this!!”

Looking slightly guilty, Isabeau stops stepping on her foot.

“—we are somewhat worried about you.”

“But I really don’t mind sleeping outside.”

She stares.

You stare back at her. She’s supposed to be the smart one. What about this doesn’t she get? “…So I won’t ruin any more tents?”

For some reason, that seems to annoy her even more. “Any more— Siffrin, we don’t care about property damage! We’re concerned about your health! These spells of nausea seem to be growing more frequent, and more acute, and we still don’t even know the cause!”

Oh, is that all? “I wouldn't worry about that. Now that I've had some time to digest what happened, it's all ‘coming up’—”

“Siffrin.”

This time you can’t help flinching. “I only meant you don’t have to worry. I’m not sick or anything. It’s just nightmares.”

Her expression doesn’t change.

You take another stab in the dark. “It’s… not contagious?”

“Sif,” Isa says unhappily, but falls silent when Odile holds up one hand.

“I see,” she says. “What sort of nightmares?”

You look away. (You Do Not Want To Talk About It.) “Haha… Sorry, Madame. That would be spoilers. I promised Mira.”

Isabeau leans across Odile to shoot Mira an accusatory stare.

“I didn’t tell them not to open up!!” Mira protests, looking inexplicably distressed. “I just didn’t want to know about me!!”

Oh. Good. Now you’ve upset almost everyone.

At least Odile still sounds as steady as ever. “Okay. So, if you have a nightmare about Mira, you won’t tell Mira. But otherwise… Do you think you might be willing to wake one of us up?”

(…What?) “Why.”

“So we might try to help you calm down?”

Did she not hear you the first time? “But I really don’t mind sleeping outs—“

“It’s not about the tent, Siffrin!!”

Ah. Well. That’s everyone, then.

…Is the bedroll hers, maybe? You thought it was yours, but you can’t remember where you got it, so it could have been from Odile. You almost tell her that you can pay her back, but something tells you that she won’t like that either. “S-Sorry.”

Odile turns to the others, exasperated. “Why am I the one doing this? Shouldn’t this be someone else?”

* * *

Mirabelle and Isabeau shoulder her out and close in, fussing over you like two hens. Isa’s hand hovers just above your shoulder. You try not to throw up.

Mira only hesitates for a moment before running a hand down your back. The brush of her palm is tentative, like she’s trying to pet a feral animal. Because you are deeply embarrassing, you can’t help leaning into her touch.

“Oh,” she says, surprised. Every muscle in your body goes taut. “Do you… like that?”

“Um.” There’s no script anymore. You don’t know the right answer. “Yes.”

“Could!!” Isa blurts out. “Could I— Would you want— C-Can I do that too? As well? But only if it would help!!”

You nod fast. Yes, please. Please, yes.

When Isa’s palm finally meets your shoulder, you can physically feel some of the panic drain out of you. You almost wish you had a god to thank. But you can’t think of any that you don’t already hate.

“Ohh,” Isa breathes. His voice is shaking almost as much as his hand. “You—don’t hate being touched.”

You shake your head.

Mira looks confused. “But you always—“

“I wasn’t used to it.” You are, now. Thanks to them. (Not them. Another them. A them that no longer exists.)

“Sif,” Isa whispers. Pained. Like he’s being carved open.

A vision flashes in your mind. Isabeau stricken, bloodied, crawling toward you in slow motion. You blink it away. “Isa?”

“D-Did you wanna be touched? This whole time?”

Oh. “Yes.” A lot. Though it took you a while to realize.

“Siiiif,” he groans. “Is there… Or, I mean. Can you be a little more specific?”

Wow. Another easy question! You’re on a roll. “No.”

Isa sputters a laugh.

Mira giggles, too, and leans against you. “Well! Maybe we can find out together!”

You feel very warm.

On your other side, you can feel Isa deflate a little. “…Will you really wake us up, though? Next time you have a nightmare?”

You can barely hear him. 100% of your awareness is focused on the hands at your back; the warm, gentle pressure at your sides. “Mmh.”

“Sif!! I’m really asking!!”

“Hm? Oh. Sure.” You still don’t really understand the point. But you’re probably confusing to them now. It’s like you’re a stranger again. A stranger who very recently tried to blow up the world. So you can see why it would make them nervous, letting you go around having nightmares unsupervised.

“You promise?”

Wow. He’s really serious about this. “Um…”

“Siiiiif!” Isabeau whines. “Please? We won’t make you talk about it or anything!! I just—or, I mean… We don’t want you to do this alone!!!”

Your forehead furrows. “Sleep? Or throw up?”

“Either! Both! But mostly the part where you get so scared you puke!!!”

Oh. Yes. That makes a little more sense. A classic ‘C, all of the above.’

“It’s not always scary,” you reassure him. “Sometimes it’s just sad. Or gross. Or—um. Horrible.”

Isabeau’s face only tightens for a second before he smiles. “Well, that’s all the more reason to wake us up! We’re so not horrible!”

He’s not wrong. They really aren’t.

* * *

That night, you lay your bedroll out in the dirt with Isa hovering anxiously over you.

“You’re not really just going to sleep on the ground, right?” he asks, wringing his hands. “Not all the way to Bambouche.”

You look down at your sleeproll, then up at him. It seems pretty clear that you are.

“But— But what if it rains!!”

Your eyes widen. Oh. Rain. That would be something, wouldn’t it? Something new. You haven’t seen rain in 82 bloody deaths. And at least three months.

All at once, you are seized by the overwhelming need to see rain. You have to see it. It’s different, it’s loud, it’s dark and wet and you can feel it on your skin and it would be proof, clear, irrefutable proof that you’re not there anymore, that you’re somewhere else. You look up at the clouds and beg them to break. Please. Just a drop. A summer storm, a sunshower, even just a sprinkle; please rain please rain please—

(STOP. YOU’RE DOING WISH CRAFT. YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T AND YOU’RE ALREADY DOING IT. YOU COULDN’T GO TWO DAYS WITHOUT—)

“Sif?” Isa says. He looks worried. You’re worrying him with your weird rain fantasies and your forbidden magics. “I… don’t think it’s going to rain tonight, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I know.” You’d know if it was. You can smell a storm from hours away. For a while you forgot that you could, but—you can. “I’m not worried. We just saved the whole country! The Universe isn’t about to rain on our parade.”

When he smiles at you, you can almost believe that it’s true.

* * *

You find Isabeau where you always find him. In the grass, close to the Tree.

You tell him a joke. You give him a flower. You watch him watch you, eyes bright, grinning wild. You wait for him to touch you.

You wait for him to touch you.

You watch him want to touch you. You watch his hands twist with want while you stand right in front of him, barely a breath away. You watch him hold his own hands, thinking of yours.

But he’s afraid. He’s too afraid.

You could spare him this. The fear. He saves you every day just by seeing you, and this is— This is something you can do for him.

You gather your courage. You grab him by the collar. You pull him in close—

—and he Pushes. You. Away.

* * *

You wake up choking, revulsion bile-bitter on your tongue. Disgusting. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. Isa trusted you. He trusted you and you took advantage of him, made him into a prize to be won. You forced yourself on him and it was like—like the second you closed the space, he could finally see you for what you really are.

You knew what you were doing. Watching him, memorizing him. Observing and adjusting. Learning the right words in the right order to make his eyes burn bright. It’s disgusting, the way you changed yourself for him. Remolding yourself in the shape of his desire. Waiting and watching and waiting for your moment, your golden opportunity to take his choice away.

You throw up in the back of your mouth and force yourself to swallow it. You don’t want to see what comes out of you. You can’t shake the feeling that whatever-it-is will be stained black with desperation. Twitching and squirming with unspeakable hungers.

“...Sif?” Isa mumbles, half-sleeping.

Ah. This again. At least this time you’ve had a rehearsal. “Haha, sorry, did I wake you? I’m just. Going to the bathroom.”

“Promise?”

(Just say yes. Make everyone’s life easier.)

…But you’re not supposed to lie anymore. “H…Haha?”

Isa pushes up on his elbows. He almost reaches for you, but stops himself. Probably trying to respect you, respect your space. Which is, funnily enough, maybe the cruelest thing he could do to you!!!!

“Sif,” he says unhappily. “Are you sure you, um… Or. Do you… wanna talk about it?”

Haha! Wow! You really don’t!!!!

It’s just funny, is all. It’s so funny!! That you’ve died and died and died and instead of dreaming about all the blood you’ve spilled, all the blood you’ve swallowed, you’re tossing and turning about getting your feelings hurt. You want to laugh but if you start, you’re afraid that you might never stop. You want to laugh but you can’t laugh, but you want to laugh, but you— But you can’t—

Your vision blurs. You can’t seem to catch your breath.

“Sif?” Isa whispers. Almost touching you BUT NOT TOUCHING YOU. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but… if there’s something I can do, I really really wanna do it, okay?”

“T-Touch me.” Haha, what? Who said that? It couldn't have been you.

Instinct thunders in your ears, take it back take it back TAKE IT BACK. Look for a knife or a fistful of glass or a blinding banana, if that’s what it takes, just UNDO IT.

“Haha!!” you squawk. “I didn’t— This isn’t… real? You’re… just dreaming?”

(????? Are you ACTUALLY stupid?)

“Oh.” Isa blinks at you, bleary-eyed. “Really?”

“Yyyyyes?” You’re obviously lying. He has to know. It can’t help that you picked such a stupid lie.

“Oh,” he mumbles. “Then… maybe it would be okay if I…?”

(You wait for him to touch you.)

Carefully, with heartbreaking gentleness, he reaches out to brush your hair back from your face. Tucks it behind one ear and then lets his hand linger there, at the crease of your jaw.

You shiver violently, lean in desperately. Pathetic. But you can’t help it. You’ve been waiting for so long.

Isa shudders. “Wow,” he breathes. “I. Uh. Wow.”

He’s freaked out. You’re freaking him out, you’re being so weird about this—

—but for some reason, Isa doesn’t seem to mind. His hand skates down the side of your throat before resting, hesitant, at the nape of your neck. You can feel the pads of his fingers, the rough edge of callus, the tips of his nails barely grazing your skin and you only just hold back a whimper. It’s too much. It’s too much. It’s too much and it isn’t enough.

“Oh, Sif.” Your name rolls off his tongue like an oath, or a curse.

You suck in a breath. “C-Can I—“

“Anything.”

You seize hold of his other hand with a kind of violence. Your fingertips climb up his wrist, his forearm, the curve of his elbow. Charting every scar and crease and freckle. When you wrap both hands around his bicep, the tips of your fingers don’t even touch.

“Strong,” you mumble.

“N-Not as much as you!!” he giggles, but you can see how much he likes to hear it.

“...Sorry,” you whisper. You’re being difficult, you know. High-maintenance. And it’s the middle of the night. No matter how much he thinks he likes you, no one really likes anyone in the middle of the night.

“Don’t be!! I asked you to wake me up!!”

Technically, maybe. But that doesn’t give you the right to actually do it.

“Don’t be,” he says again, softer. “Or, I mean, I’m sorry. For being weird, or, um… selfish? I really really don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. It’s just. Uh. A little overwhelming. Wanting something so much, and then… getting it.”

Oh. Yeah. That’s true. (Not that you can relate.)

“I tried to touch you before,” you remind him.

He shivers. “Y-Yeah.”

“You pushed me away.”

“Yeah,” he says again, wincing. “I think it was… probably too much. But that doesn’t change anything.”

“Does.”

“Doesn’t!!”

You should stop talking. You shouldn’t be telling him this in the middle of the night, when you should both be asleep. But the adrenaline and the exhaustion have braided together to make you feel strangely invulnerable. Like you could say almost anything. “I’m scared I’ll do it again. Scare you, or—disgust you.”

“Sif,” he breathes. Pained, again. Why can’t you stop hurting him? “You couldn’t. I know I can’t remember but I know I wasn’t disgusted, Sif, I swear.”

What does he know? “You weren’t even there.”

“I’m here now, though.”

…There is that, yes. You frown a little, tracing the freckles on his shoulder. “I like these.”

His breath hitches. “Y-Yeah?”

You nod. “We were supposed to share a bed. In the Clocktower. Before I—” said all that stuff, tore your heart to shreds, ruined everything for everyone. “And it was. Um. Warm. So you didn’t need sleeves. So I could… see you.” It still makes you feel crazy, remembering him so close. Wanting to touch him. Knowing he wanted it, too.

Isabeau shivers. You can see him holding himself back, still. Trying not to scare you.

“Please,” you whisper. “You don’t have to— I want you to—”

He curves toward you. The look in his eyes is desperate, almost drunk. “Want you so much.”

—Oh. You take a second to readjust. “I. Um. Don’t do… some stuff.” Like in those drawings, you almost say, except that never happened for him. When Isabeau just keeps staring, you force yourself to add, “…Body stuff.”

Isa blinks some of the fog out of his eyes. Then he flushes violently. “Nooononono, I didn’t mean— Or. I mean. D-Doesn’t that seem? Kinda fast??”

Oh, yeah. It did take him several months and a time-stuck eternity just to admit that he liked you.

“No, I just meant!! I just… wanted to be so much closer. I wanted to touch you so much, Sif, you can’t even imagine—“

You feel yourself relax. “Then me too.”

“Siiiif,” he groans, rolling towards you. You die a little when he reaches out to cradle your face in both hands. “You’re so soft, Sif, look at you. Change. I can’t believe you want this. The first time I saw you I thought I was gonna die.”

That one takes you a second. “Because of the Sadness…?”

“No, not because of the Sadness! Because you were this—this impossible thing, this terrifying beautiful thing, and you did a backflip!! Okay?? You did a backflip over the Sadness and you made a joke in midair!!”

You guess it sounds vaguely familiar. “I was just trying to impress you guys.”

“Why???”

Your mouth ticks up. “I think because you looked so impressed.” A pause. “…Did you like the black hair better?”

“Sif. I love you.”

It still knocks the wind out of you. “Even if I shaved my head?”

“Yes,” Isa says firmly. “…But please don’t. No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, you can do whatever you want, it’s your hair, just… maybe give me some warning? No, that’s stupid. You don’t have to warn me, that’s crazy. What?”

“I’ll warn you.”

“O-Oh.”

“But I’m not planning to shave my head.”

Isa looks deeply relieved.

“You can go back to sleep,” you tell him. Reluctant. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I don’t think I was going to throw up this time.”

“Would you, um.” Isa chews his lip. “Do you… think you’d sleep better if there was s-someone a little, um, closer?”

You frown at him. “You don’t have to—”

“Because I think I might.”

“Oh.” It hadn’t occurred to you that Isa might need comfort, too. Though it makes sense, now that you think about it. (You should really stop being so selfish.) “Then… yes.”

“B-But!! But you don’t have to— Just because I want something, it doesn’t mean you—”

“No, I know.”

“Because you have every right to—”

You nod.

Isabeau looks sideways at you. “You… want to? Be closer?”

Another nod.

“You promise??”

You think about it, make sure it’s true. “I promise.”

* * *

Isabeau is out cold in maybe six seconds. With the warmth of his arm wrapped tight around your chest, it takes you ages to slip away. But when you do, your sleep is dark and dreamless.

Wanna find out when I post chapter 2? Feel free to subscribe to the series on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53154811/chapters/134496877

#isat spoilers #isat fanfic #isafrin #isat siffrin #isat isabeau #isat postgame

95 notes · View notes

yonch · 11 months ago

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it's been 15 years and you can see better than ever

(design notes under the cut) (there are spoilers)

ok this got really long. here you go

sif:

ditched the cloak. it was collecting dust in their closet until recently, but they realized they don't need to cling to their grief so much anymore. someone else will need it more soon.

ditched the eyepatch. the prosthetic eye is a labor of love designed by isa, as is literally everything else they're wearing.

they cut their bangs finally and started braiding their hair back so it wouldn't obscure their vision as much anymore.

they like darker/tighter clothing and prefer function over form but unfortunately their gay ass boyfriend keeps treating them like a dress up doll so they're stuck wearing waistcoats and a fancy cloak. (they don't mind. it's designed to look like loop.) they keep flowers in their many pockets to give to people.

they're a woodworker in their free time. they don't usually talk about being any sort of savior so he just becomes sif the guy who's really good at carving birthday presents for people and also tags along with isa to charity parties and fundraisers

41 year old 5'1" they/he absolutely zero intention of Changing. bonded to isabeau. they adopted a kid who leo or i might post about some other time i think. her name is estelle.

isa: i'm not taking credit for the design that's by my friend @fembard /@leoweooo. i'll include his design notes

isa dresses mostly for comfort, he doesn't like wearing stuff that might get stained or ruined when he's dyeing clothes or chasing stelle around in the mud or something, all his fashion sense goes into his handiwork

he Changed a few more times over the 15yrs, eventually settled. picked up she/her pronouns again on the side but was never really able to ditch the name isabeau and he kinda ran out of names anyways...

kept the long hair, kept a few inches in height, very happy to fulfill the role of male (space) wife

can't ditch the kimono jacket it's the piece de resistance. odile influence and Wisening Of Age means its made with a little more knowledge of ka buan technique but still very clearly an Isa Design. the fabric is imported silk sif!!!!!!

39 year old Tall with a capital T he/she "i swear i'm not a weeaboo i'm just really into ka buan fashion" vaugardian indie clothing designer in your area help support this man in his attempts to use his family members as living advertisements for his brand

mira: with design input from @jastertown thank you my friend

i took a lot of inspiration for the sparkly, sheer fabric on her dress from euphrasie. she's not head housemaiden yet because she doesn't feel like she's ready but everybody knows it'll be her

speaking of inspiration. she's been taking a lot of fashion cues from a certain lady in dormont that she thought was kind of scary, but it turns out she's very nice? they're besties now.

she got rid of the earrings for a little bit but then she realized she just liked how they look on her. so now they go ding ding! it's for her and nobody else, and that's how she likes it.

moved her ornaments to her skirt because they ding ding more often there. her necklace also jingles with merriment.

38 year old she/her advanced cisgender+ legend who's realizing that people are trying to get her to be the pope but all she really wants to do is write yaoibait fiction that looks like it came straight off of ao3

odile:

my glorious hag. she started shrinking about 3 years ago. all those years of bending over books has finally caught up to her. her hips are fuuuuuucked. but she has a sick cane that sif carved for her so everything's okay

she was already pretty comfortable and settled in her sense of style when she was nearing 50 so i don't think she would change much. darker clothing maybe. ditched the high-waisted pants for some looser slacks.

she's started writing a familytale of her own. the only person she's told about it is bonbon, who caught her up way past their bedtime, and scribbled all over one of the pages. she'll pass it on to sif when the time's right, after she's written down everything she can remember about their family.

64 year old she/her wasian researcher recovering from hernia surgery who's getting really into things like "political activism" and "body craft law reformation in ka bue" and "making sure people aren't sourcing their hrt from back alleys"

bonnie:

prefers to go by boniface these days. it's cooler. more mature. please stop calling me bonbon that's a nickname from when i was 10 guys c'mon guys ugh fine frin you can still call me bonbon but not around my girlfriends ok (nobody calls them boniface except for odile)

speaking of which they have 3 butch lesbian girlfriends. this got established as a joke but i think they have it in them. they're still young!!!!!!! they should be at the club!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they traveled for a while with everybody but eventually settled down back in bambouche to start a little family owned restaurant with nille featuring dishes from all over the globe. people travel from all over to get a taste of boniface's good eats... bambouche is bustling. (they have a few recipes that are sourced from the country. they meet people every once in a while who find something achingly familiar about it, and they usually direct those people to jouvente to get in contact with frin.)

26 year old they/them "i dont know how tall i am but i'm taller than za" chef cooker whose restaurant keeps lighting on fire because this time i swear nille i can figure out how to do cooking craft i swear i wont explode the kitchen this time please i promise

loop:

ok. this is where lozy gets to just talk about what he thinks happens post game. i think they stick around for way longer than they really should and follow the crew around on their travels (mostly invisibly) because they're sooo fucking scared of change they're sooo scared and they're so scared of their wish fucking up beyond belief. they're kind of incapable of aging or dying in this body and theyre like permanently 26 which is what spurs them to finally move on.

i think they go back to their timeline eventually after making a Brand New Wish to "go back to their real family." alas the universe leads and we can only follow. and it turns out loop has actually made a real family in stardust's world also. this is my justification for why they can pop in between sasasap and isat worlds without much repercussion. i think they're always permanently loop shaped in isat but i imagine they can probably go back to their original body in their home timeline... might design that later. who knows. i'm fucked like that

i just think they deserve a chance for their own happy ending you know. isat's a game about how it's never too late to communicate and how you shouldn't punish yourself forever and ever. and i think theyve punished themself enough you know.

ok tank you for reading if you read this far. it's really big and long so i would understand if you didn't. but i hope you liked it. thoughts appreciated. here's a little something for the people who read all the way through.