#posting on tumblr feels scary. even though there are people on here who followed me to specifically look at my art. lmao

[dixoterin]

2 days until preorders close!!

[copperbadge]

Supposedly, people with Anphantasia don't get scared reading scary stories, or at least not much. Is that true with you if you ever read Horror?

You know, I'd never thought about it, but I suppose it is. To an extent, anyway.

Follows a discussion of my relationship to horror prose and media; if you don't know what aphantasia is, as many people coming to this tumblr don't, I have a tag for it here that may help -- it's basically the lack of a "mind's eye", a visual imagination, so I hear/read things and don't see an image of them in my mind. If you are scoffing right now that nobody actually has a mind's eye, congratulations, you may also have aphantasia. The articles linked in the tag will be useful to you.

I have definitely been scared by prose before but it's very rare, and not much since I was a child, when the stories I found scary were preying on fears I already had. I loved the Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark books, and I think it's not unusual that I found the illustrations more frightening than the prose, but the only story that ever scared me was the one about the vampire who kept trying to grab a kid through a window -- because I had a window over my bed in my childhood bedroom and I was terrified I'd look up to see someone looking down at me through it. Likewise, as an adult, the only content in horror I find scary is what I think of as "mind horror" -- the loss of faculty or the loss of awareness of faculty (think the end scene of the novel Hannibal with the brain). Which is one of my biggest fears.

I don't read much horror because generally I get bored, which has in the past made me feel faintly appalled at myself, but which now makes more sense. Certainly I have no interest in slasher-style gore in prose, because I find it uninteresting and it goes on a really long time, while I don't watch it in movies/TV because the visual is upsetting -- so if I was getting the visual from the prose I might react more emotionally. I am a fan of Stephen King but mostly his early work where he was shorter on suspense, and I was reading it because I liked the ideas and the characters. Carrie is super interesting because of the personalities involved, not because of the violence or the horror aspects. But I've never seen a movie adaptation and I can imagine I would be deeply unsettled if not distraught by certain scenes if depicted visually. Although I didn't find the Hannibal TV series super upsetting (I mostly was put off by how bad I imagined Will smelled) so perhaps body horror just doesn't do it for me.

This may also explain my hard-no on zombie media, because I'm not scared at all of zombies, I just find them boring and gross, and that leaves the post-apocalyptic humans. My hard-no on post-apocalypse anything is an aversion to imagining the end of my world, though, which isn't visual, it's conceptual, and not scary, just upsetting.

Like, people kept suggesting Zombies Run! to me when I was taking up running and -- well, one, I needed the music to keep my pace, I didn't want it interrupted. But two, I didn't see why a bunch of random groaning noises would make me run faster. If you could see zombies chasing you in your head, yeah, that'd probably be more motivating.

It kind of explains too why I haven't written much horror. I used to be very curious about how people worked out what's "scary" in horror prose and I guess part of the curiosity came from not experiencing it myself. It's tough to know how to write a scary story when stories don't scare you.

To be clear, I definitely experience fear. Reading Stephen King's "It" didn't really scare me, but there were scary moments in the film adaptations. I startle at jumpscares. There's plenty of stuff in real life that I'm scared of. And even podcasts -- I don't get mental images during podcasts like apparently most people do, but Magnus Archives got me with the "digging into your pre-existing fears" thing once or twice, and while I didn't finish The Left Right Game (I just got bored) the hitchhiker scene definitely got me. But I think, unless it's playing on something conceptual that already existed, yeah, I don't find prose particularly frightening.

Huh. This feels like the kind of thing that could have a significant impact on my creative output if I could crowbar my way into it. Knowing that I as an aphantic don't need descriptions that other people do has already, I think, impacted my editing process, but this feels like it maybe would somehow have an effect on the whole thing -- the fact that I don't experience emotions when reading in the same way other people do because I don't get the visuals is something to meditate on.

How the fuck did I ever even become a writer. Like what's up with that.

(Ironically it was X-Files fanfic. X-Files, a show that very much did scare me, for which I wrote and read a lot of fanfic, none of which did...yikes. Well, that's something to meditate on for the weekend.)

[ejzah]

A/N: Well, the time has finally come. Thank you to each and every one of you who has read and followed this story that originally started out as a silly tumblr post. See you for the next one!

***

In Miss Blye’s Class, Epilogue

Deeks popped his head into the bathroom, frowning at Caleb, who stood in front of the mirror, toothbrush still in his mouth.

“Hey, what’s taking so long? Usually I have to beg you to make it to two minutes and you’ve been in here for ten.”

“I think I’m getting sick,” Caleb mumbled around his toothbrush.

Deeks reached out, feeling his forehead. “Hm, are you really?” he asked, not surprised when Caleb’s eyes danced to the side, looking extremely guilty. “Ok, what’s going on?”

“Why can’t Kensi be my teacher again? If she can teach people in college, then she should know enough to teach first grade,” Caleb sighed finally.

“Caleb, we’ve gone over this all summer. You know why,” Deeks answered, starting to lose his patience just a tiny bit. He bumped Caleb’s butt with his knee. “C’mon, scoot.”

“Daaaad.” Hunching his shoulders, Caleb gave him a pleading look. “I just want to stay with you or Kensi.” There was a slight tremble in his voice underneath the whine, and Deeks sighed.

Putting aside his irritation and the need to leave, Deeks squatted in front of him. He gestured at Caleb until he came closer, leaning into his chest. Sometimes it was easy to forget that even though he’d grown in so many ways, both physically and maturity-wise, Caleb was still a little boy.

“Hey, I know that it’s scary to start new things sometimes. It’s true you probably won’t have all the same classmates and Kensi won’t be your teacher, and that’s going to be hard for a little bit. Soon, you’ll be too busy learning all kinds of amazing things and playing with all your friends, that you won’t have time to think about everything that’s changed.”

“I guess,” Caleb mumbled.

“You met Mrs. Craig and she was nice, right?” Deeks asked, and Caleb gave a one-shouldered shrug.

“She gave you a new book, which you’ve read no less that ten times since then, and you liked the classroom pet.”

“The lizard was pretty cool,” he admitted. Deeks could tell his protests were starting to peter out, so he hugged him a little closer, and reminded him,

“If you are having a really tough time, Kensi said you can come see her during lunch, but I bet you won’t have to.”

“And you’ll pick me up?” he checked.

“Absolutely. As soon as they let you out.” He paused, giving Caleb a minute to process everything. “You good now?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome. Now we gotta leave before all three of us are late. Go get your shoes and backpack,” he said, kissing the top of his head, and nudging him towards the door. “Love you, kiddo.”

“Love you, dad.”

He walked into the master bedroom checkin his watch; they had approximately five minutes before they needed to leave. Kensi stood in front of the floor length mirror in one of her sundresses, and he momentarily forgot about the time.

“You look amazing,” he told her, coming up behind her and kissing her neck.

“Thank you.” Kensi eyed his reflection. “You better not change out of that suit before I get home.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Caleb was acting a little odd at breakfast. Is everything ok? Kensi asked as she reached back to put on a necklace.

“Just first day jitters,” he assured her, automatically closing the necklace clasp for her. “He’s worried the new teacher won’t measure up to his last one.”

“Oh, well, I heard she was pretty good.”

“Mm, extremely good. She’s taught me all kinds of things.” Deeks lowered his eyes suggestively, and Kensi leaned back slightly so she brushed again his chest, and he settled his hands on her hips. They stayed there for half a minute until he sighed in regret.

“School sucks,” he said in a fair approximation of Caleb. Kensi snorted, turning to kiss him before she wandered off to get shoes.

When they reached the living room, Caleb balanced on the back of the couch, Captain America backpack on, a Lego figure in one hand, and a book tucked under his other arm.

“You ready to go?” Deeks asked, holding out his hand.

“Yeah.” Hopping off the couch, Caleb ran to them, slipping between Kensi and Deeks to take each other their hands in his.

“I think I’m gonna give Matthew my Star Wars Lego,” Caleb said, looking up at Kensi. “Do you think I’ll see him at recess?”

“I’m sure you will. And after school, you get to hang out with me until it’s time to leave,” Kensi informed him.

“Yes!” Caleb pumped released Deeks’ hand to pump his hand in the air.

As Caleb chattered away, his fears forgotten for the moment, Deeks shared a look with Kensi.

Yeah, this was going to be a good year.

[ghostofbambifanfiction]

2 🩷 11 🧡 15 💛 26 for any fic you want 🤎

I'm going to go with CYOA on this, just because it's the most recent thing I've updated, and therefore fresh in my mind.

How did you come up with the idea?

Thanks to you lot! I love choose your own adventure games and I really liked the idea of challenging myself to go into a story with absolutely nothing concrete planned and make it all up as I went along, as well as asking my readers to contribute fun details. So I posted a bunch of polls on Tumblr and it was my lovely followers who ultimately decided that Lily and James had never met in person and that Lily worked for James’s mother. I had no ending in mind at all, no idea that Lily was going to wind up living in James’s house, hadn’t dreamed up Skylar yet... and yet I think it truly is my favourite fic out of everything I’ve written now. Who knew that when I asked you guys to decide Remus’s job that it would wind up having such a huge impact on the overall story? Not me, and likely not you until just now.

What was the most challenging aspect of writing it?

Honestly, aside from one or two James chapters (oh, James, you little troublemaker you) that fought me a bit, there haven’t been any challenges? The whole process has been an out-and-out pleasure.

Talk about the characters’ struggles & how you decided on those

Again, a lot of it just arose as the story went on. What I really love about this fic is that, because it takes place on a day-by-day basis, writing it feels very much like the progression of real life, and the sheer length of it has given me room to poke into details that I always knew about the characters but never had space or time to give words to. Like Lily, for example, always likes to be seen as unerringly infallible, but why is that? What made her that way? How does Petunia factor into that? Her parents? Her ex? Petunia was jealous of Lily in canon for being a witch so how do I translate that into a modern AU? What if I had the time and the space and the freedom to write Petunia as a person, rather than as (one of my favourite terms that I use a lot) a cartoon villain? Maybe Lily’s not always a great sister either? So everything has pretty much progressed in that way. Not just for Lily, but for James too. In his friend group he is the leader, but something I learned whilst writing this fic is that I make him pretty passive with other people, particularly his mother. So then I decided to explore that. I’m discovering things about them in real time, and that’s so fun. I know this is a romance fic, but for me it also feels like a story, on the most basic level, about being human.

Share your favorite detail

Gosh, there are a lot. Here’s one, though: I’m still really pleased with myself for coming up with Lily’s odd little kink for being scared by bad dreams or scary movies. I’ve no idea where it came from; it was really one of those moments where it felt like she had sprung into existence and demanded that I write it for her. It’s so weird, but somehow very her? I think it’s really cute that what it ultimately stems from is a desire for comfort at a moment when she’s feeling frightened or anxious but also logically knows that she’s not in any danger. So I find it pretty heart-warming. Even though it’s really bloody strange.

Fic Asks!

[asexual-society]

Just looking for some advice about how to tell my best friend I’m aroace. I was trying to find a way to ask other people in the community and found this blog so I hope it’s okay to ask. I do apologise if it’s not.

About three years ago, I tried telling her. I hinted at it, but in the end, I was too scared to actually tell her. I have two other really close friends that know, but one of them figured out I was ace before I did haha. They’re both very understanding of me due to their respective identities.

Recently, it’s been eating at me more and more. I write fanfiction and have been really wanting to explore aroace characters. We are actually co-writing a fic now and she’s one of my beta readers too. One of the characters I write the most about gives me major aroace vibes and I want to write about it and discuss with readers about it. The problem is that she reads my stuff. She’s supportive like that.

I’m just scared about her reaction is all. I don’t particularly care about what my family thinks because I have no intention of telling them. Not out of fear or anything, but for other reasons that don’t really matter at this point in my life. It’s my best mate I’m worried about :/ I don’t want her perception of me to be changed nor do I want her to start saying things like “you haven’t met the right person” or whatever.

This was long. I’m sorry 😭 I kept it anonymous because even though she doesn’t have tumblr, she knows my account and I’d rather not risk her seeing this :)

Hey Anon, I'm not gonna lie, I hate coming out. I've been putting off coming out to some people closest to me for so many years. But on the other hand! I totally understand having a hard time ripping the plaster off, and the feeling of it eating at you, so I can give you a couple of low-confrontation methods that might work in a pinch, and a couple of slightly scarier options and how to deal with them in case you're feeling brave?

You said she knows your blog but doesn't have tumblr, so you could try posting more about aroace stuff on here, or put it in your bio. That way, since she doesn't follow you, the chances of her seeing it are low enough that you have plausible deniability that you didn't think she would see it, and if she does, you were Definitely just about to tell her. Effectiveness: 3/10, she might not see it, in which case you'll be worrying about it for nothing.

A similar vibe of coming out is letting someone else do it for you. This only works if you have mutual friends, either online or irl. You don't have to be there when it happens, but I find it's less unpleasant if you are; finding out someone has outed you after the fact is for sure worse, even if you intended it to happen, but someone else offhandedly bringing it up takes the power out of your hands, which is scary in a different way, but it can technically work. Effectiveness: 5/10, it'll do, but it will not feel good. Requires mutual friends. If one of your friends is a loudmouth with no filter it might even happen organically at some point, but you can't count on it, so if you are there (even just in groupchat form) being able to steer the conversation in that direction might give you the small push you need to say it yourself, since it's way harder to just bring it up out of the blue by yourself, and also having another already supportive person present who has your back always helps. Effectiveness: 8/10, getting onto the topic might be hard, but having moral support is good. Requires mutual friends.

Similarly, you could engineer a situation where you're coming out to her and one other person who you know will be supportive (or you're already out to, if you're okay with a little deception) at the same time. She can't say anything shitty if there's someone else already there being cool about it. You don't even have to be coming out to the other person, you can just mention it while they're there (so it works the same as the above, except a little more intentional). Effectiveness: 8/10, points deducted for deception, but if it gets the job done, does it matter? Requires mutual friends.

Bargaining. Set yourself a deadline and have people to hold you accountable to do it. Effectiveness: 3/10, absolutely would not work on me, will probably not feel good, could be the kick you need to do it but only if your brain works that way.

Come out to someone else first and use the momentum to tell her right after. Works best if the first person you tell isn't close enough to you that it'll be really bad if they suck about it, but if they do suck, you can use that as a jumping off point to tell your friend (e.g. I told someone I was aroace and they said XYZ shitty thing), and you can sneak in an example of something that was hurtful that your friend will know to avoid saying. And if they don't suck about it (fingers crossed!), it could give you the confidence and boost you need to tell your friend. Effectiveness 6/10, requires you to come out twice as many times. You may be able to substitute in someone else being aphobic but not directly to you as a jumping off point instead.

You could try testing the waters by mentioning that you headcanon the character as aroace and seeing her reaction, if you haven't already, and then you can say "I sort of relate to them actually" and see where that gets you? Effectiveness: 5/10, high chance of backing out at the last minute, high uncertainty means this might be the scariest option.

If you have ways of making yourself do scary things already, do as many of those as you can, but if not, I can tell you that when I want to do something I'm low key terrified of but I know will help me in the long run, I write myself a letter to open as far in the future as I feel like (there are websites you can use for this), and I tell me-of-the-future about what I want to do and that I'm scared about it, and then I imagine them reading it and imagine how it'll be by then if I haven't done it yet, and how much better it'll be for them if I do.

Sometimes it's really hard to do things for ourselves, but imagining you're doing them for you-of-the-future gives yourself enough distance that you can convince yourself that you're actually doing it for someone else. It might also help to imagine that you of the future will be proud of you for doing it, and this is a pretty instantaneous reward situation, because you get the little kick of someone being proud of you before you do it just for deciding to do it, and then as soon as you've done it you get to be proud of yourself. Effectiveness: 8/10, high risk-high reward, will feel really good if you do it, but you have to do it.

If you're still worried about her saying specific unsupportive things, coming up with a few good responses to the most likely ones that you can use in the moment without even thinking can take some of the power away from her (or anyone else) saying them. If your friend is only attracted to one gender you can use the "how do you know you just haven't met the right [person of gender she isn't into]?" or "it hurts me that you think I don't know myself well enough/that you don't trust me to know this about myself". If someone you come out to isn't supportive you are legally allowed to be petty or guilt trip them, if they know you're not just gonna back down when they try to disagree with you, it shows you're serious, even/especially if you wouldn't normally go on the offensive like that. Effectiveness: ?/10, depends on your personality and how assertive you are, and can be difficult if you're worried about confrontation with your best friend, but it could just be what needs to be done, and is likely but not certain to get your point across.

I'm not saying all of these are good methods, but they are definitely methods that you could use. And hey, if you do it, let us know how you did it and how it went!

Best of luck, I hope you figure it out <3

~mod key

[bangers2]

Jane Remover - Census Designated (Long review)

i wrote this after reaching 100 followers on aoty. The AOTY version can be found here if u wanna read it on there.

Hey! Thank you all for your support on my reviews thus far. Bangers2 started out as an impulsive Tumblr blog where I'd post a song a day, but that got stale pretty quickly so I ended up on AOTY. And it was scary at first (I once got flamed by like 3 people for making an "I hardly know her" joke...that was nice) but I think in the past couple months I've sort of found a community over here. The album that REALLY got me into music spaces and encouraged me to start sharing my opinions / analyses was this one!

Census Designated (or Census/CD, as I'll probably refer to it throughout this review) has been pivotal to my life since before it came out. I first discovered Jane through her feature on underscores' Wallsocket (an album which I'll probably review in more detail soon), where I instantly fell in love with her vocals. I checked out the title track about a week after it dropped and thought it was so fresh. There was a unique sort of pain to the song which really resonated with me at the time, and I kept it on loop for weeks. I was so damn lonely and depressed from October to like...February, and found a lot of solace in Census, especially "Holding a Leech," my personal SOTY of 2023. For the first time in my life I tried to get mental health support, and this album made communicating my feelings and circumstances a lot easier. It gave a voice to what I'd kept buried all my life.

On the other side of all the shit I went through, I still listen to this album a lot. Sure, it takes me back to some of the worst times in my life, but the genius of the production and songwriting is undeniable. I can’t stop coming back to it, even though it breaks my heart. I truly and genuinely believe that Census Designated is a masterpiece.

Census Designated is the sophomore album by Jane Remover, an artist who got her start making electronic music (Frailty, Dariacore, etc.). However, Census is a straight-up rock album, with loud guitars and harsh walls of noise. The lyrics are just as harsh as the production, with fictional stories of abusive relationships, violence, and a lot of body horror. With that being said, despite how much I love Census, I wouldn’t recommend this album to anybody…unless they’re in the right headspace for it. If you go in expecting “Frailty 2,” you will come out with ear fatigue and a hefty dose of nightmare fuel.

WITH THAT BEING SAID. The harshness of the album - all of its jarring static and blood-curdling screaming - is balanced by incredibly catchy melodies and a lot of introspection. Jane’s vocals are really great - a huge improvement since Frailty and even the venturing tracks. She has an incredibly smooth voice, and I can tell she’s influenced by a lot of pop vocalists like Ariana. I'm a vocal technique nerd. I bet SHE's so lucky to have a voice like that.

Vocals aside, I love the instrumentations on here too! She uses the harsh noise and heavy guitars to further the turmoil in each track. They’re all explosive songs, starting out quite calm and eventually building up to a huge release towards the end. It works out really well; on songs like “Holding a Leech,” you can feel the slight numbness in her voice on the first chorus turn into loud, unimaginable desperation by the end of the song, as she chokes out “how much longer ‘till I’m truly alone?”

ALSO!! The lyrics are SO good. She's said in interviews that none of what she talks about really happened to her, they're just abstractions of feelings she had been having. I think her way of articulating these feelings is so evocative. You can't take anything here at face value, so you really have to Analyze for the lyrics to make sense. Even without reading them over and over, I feel like, for me personally, there was a clear feeling that each line evoked, and it's so cool how open ended so much of it is. My favourite lyrics are on the title track, which is fuelled with so much anger and pain that it's sort of overwhelming. Jane said the song is about the music industry and how it takes advantage of young artists. Despite not relating to that at all, I ~felt~ a lot of what she was saying, and saw myself in a lot of it.

Census Designated feels like a cautionary tale; a story of the absolute worst case scenario. Nightmare after nightmare. Boiling water being poured on hands. Jaws being broken. Cars being crashed. Desperation. Begging for forgiveness. Throwing up. Waking up feeling fine, despite it all. In the absence of the physical pain, there lies a pit in my stomach as I listen to these songs. A sense of uneasiness. A deep, unexplainable sorrow.

This album will not save your life. Not like Nurture or Sweetener or any of those albums where you come out of it feeling like everything will be okay. No, this is an album that is harrowing. So intensely horrifying, that you might start to recognize that something is wrong if you resonate with it. And there's something so important about that. I can't say that Census Designated /saved/ my life; but it did change it. And for that, it's become one of my favourite albums of all time.

...And a 10/10.

Thanks for reading. If you've ever felt like I did, I just want to say that everything will be okay, and this, too, shall pass. You will survive. You will find a way out of it. I believe in you. Keep going.

[gin-juice-tonic]

Hey Gin this might be a silly thing to ask, but how did you realize you were trans? Cause ever since I saw your trans Stan and Ford I think I had some sort of relivation, it started with just really enjoying the art you drew to me feeling some sort of envy. Either that I want to dress more masculine or that I actually want to be a man, cause honestly when I look at your trans stans I just feel so much gender envy (jealousy?) And on my last period I had a whole crying fit over it starting, which has never happened before. I just don't know if this is actually what I'm feeling or if it isn't. I've had thoughts of telling my mom and fearing the consequence. This is just all so new and I'm honestly scared. I figured I'd ask you since I look up to you and from what I've seen you are quite wise. I don't really know why I have so much self doubt and constantly flip flop over things. It's frustrating, I just wish I could be certain about something for once. Sorry about this, I'm a mess really.

It’s not silly to ask. My answer is unfortunately a little silly, because I’m a goober. I also typed A LOT so its all going under a read more

So, I was 16 and on tumblr even more than I am now, and I was (still am) friends with a trans woman who reblogged a post that was like “Just trans girl things: eating dark chocolate because it has substances similar to estrogen” and I went “Haha i guess I should stop eating it.” followed by “…why do I feel that way” and THAT was followed by quite the crisis.

Trans men weren’t as well known about back then, so I was like “Well, it means nothing, since only women can be trans”. And then I found out men could be trans too and that pushed my crisis further along. And I started to think. About how I liked when people defaulted to male pronouns for me on the internet, or how when i was a kid I would use a crazy amount of shampoo to make my hair look short and flatten my chest in front of the mirror and look at it. Things like that. And I got upset because “no i can’t be trans that’s impossible”. I would google things like “how do you know if you’re trans”, “quiz to see if you’re trans”, ect.

But the idea of being seen as a man was exciting. It was tantalizingly exciting. And I knew it could be possibility for me someday, and I knew that made a part of me happy and I couldn’t un-know it.

Final straw was a nonbinary person I had been following made a post about how they were going to start taking testosterone. And instead of feeling happy for them I just got mad and started sobbing to myself. Because I was so extremely jealous. So jealousy absolutely has its place in figuring things out.

You should think. Think about attaining the things you’re envious about. Does this make you happy? It’s okay if it’s upsetting or scary at the same time. Change often is. But if it makes you happy, excites you, gives you hope for the future, it’s worth thinking more about.

-

You don’t have to jump into telling your mom right away (and I wouldn’t really recommend it till you’re a little more sure of yourself). You can go at whatever pace you want to. I didn’t tell my mom (or anyone in my real life at all) till I was like, 20. And I’d known for 4 years at that point. You’ve sent me a tumblr message, so I’m assuming you’ve got an account here. I’d say asking your friends on this website to address you as male would be a good way to ease into things. And you can see if you like that or not.

For how you dress, again, you can ease into it. Personally it made me happy to dress in athletic clothing (especially tank tops- to show off my non existent guns), or to dress like a greaser (Though I preferred a black t shirt to a white one), or a golfer. None of those things particularly scream ‘man’ but they were man enough to me. You can find things man enough for you. If you want to try out a binder and think you can get one without anyone noticing, my first ever one was a Tri-top from Underworks. They’re like $30 or so. I was able to get away with buying it because I was a cosplay nerd so I just said it was for that.

If you’re the type of person who owns makeup- you could try to find some time alone just to have an experiment of mimicking drag king makeup, or makeup for cosplayers doing male characters. I did that once early on, and while it looked admittedly goofy, it made me ecstatic at the time.

-

Er sorry for things getting so long. But I just want to say lastly that self doubt is both normal and okay. And thinking far in the future (ie- things like coming out to people or hormones or anything like that) might scare you. But you can take things one step at a time if you want to. Play with just looking at clothes, making outfits on pinterest or whatever, imagining scenarios where people address you as male, thinking of names you might like. See what makes you happy, and expand on the things that do from there.

And regardless of what you discover, in the end you will have learned more about yourself. And that's always a good thing.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Happy Sunday~ Here are today’s replies.

anxiously-sidequesting asked:

HIIII I haven't said anything in a while but I wanted to say I LOVE YOUR TWST ART (well all of your art actually)!!!!! It's very chef's kiss 🤌🏾 and I hope you have a good day ❤️

Ahh thank you so much!!! <3 This is so sweet of you, I’m very happy to hear that!

Anonymous asked:

🤖👑

Hey! It’s the OruVil shipper! Don’t worry this ask doesn’t need to be answered but I just thought I’d let you know after all these years (I last had a major active blog in around 2011-13 WOW) I’ve actually started one and it’s thanks to you!

I’m over on WrithingDepth shooting out my twst HC’s and little one shots, I’ve yet to drop any OruVil and the blog is pretty new but I’m an older tumblr user with a full time job and nice anon lifestyle so if you guys ever just wanna hmu for a chat me and partner spend a lot of time discussing HCs and world building as well!

I’ll most likely link up the OruVil fic eventually there too.

Have a great day!

After some thinking I decided to actually post this ask for anyone who could be interested to read your work. Anything Ortho-related is so underappreciated, and after the discussion we had via asks a couple of weeks ago, I think it’s only fair to share in this specific case.

I am very excited to hear it whenever people get inspired to create unapologetically self-indulgent content. I honestly think this is one of the most important things one could do creativity-wise, and having people to share this self-indulgence with is truly amazing. Thank you so much for sharing with us <3

furubatsu asked:

I feel like you may have answered this before, but if so I can't find it. Also I'm a sloppy whore for the childhood friends to lovers pipeline SO!

Thoughts on Jack/Vil? While I agree Vil probably lost his virginity to Rook I can see these two being eachothers first Kisses (for "practice" reasons, of course) and maybe even awakenings? I love your analysises so I'm really curious about your take on these two.

HONESTLY? A GOOD PIPELINE!

We do have one post about Jack/Vil, and it’s a hc post, but it’s 8 months old oops. But I still stand by everything I’ve said there lol so you can check it out of you haven’t already.

Jack and Vil could easily be each other’s first crushes, and honestly a handsome polite boy who doesn’t even watch TV is probably the best candidate for a young star that is Vil to have a first attempt at kissing with. It would also be a nice contrast to their other first time, because even though they were on the same page when they were younger, now Vil is the more experienced one of the two, and he’s probably going to enjoy guiding Jack as they do it. Well, if Jack gets overwhelmed, horned up and feral, there won’t be much guidance going on, but in theory lol I feel like Vil is the “oneesan” type partner in this ship.

Anonymous asked:

My only reason to genderbend twst is that it's literally an excuse for Riddle always end up into someone's plsuh chest (same could be said for Idia and all the tiny chest gorlies)

Honestly no other reasons are needed lol this one is good enough. It’s like big boobs just keep following Riddle everywhere, they torment her, they abuse her, they suffocate her… or maybe it’s all in her head? What if she is just way too obsessed with it? And yes, being literally suffocated by Floyd’s chest has absolutely nothing to do with it lol

And Idia constantly gets to feel like a vn protagonist, but the vn itself is very cursed. Where are all the nice ladies, why is everyone so dangerous and scary?? Delete the game and get a refund ASAP-

(Meanwhile Lilia’s out there just… hunting…)

[linagram]

linagram season 3 announcement!

hi hi everyone! thank you so much for waiting! i'm glad to say that linagram season 3 is finally starting!! this post will contain a short summary of season 2 that you can read in case you forgot anything or if you don't know much about linagram but still want to participate and a list of everything you can expect from season 3 (things like voice dramas, interrogations, you get it).

you can read about the first season here.

linagram has (or more like.. used to have) two guards and ten prisoners. the guards' names are (last name, first name order) sanada eiji and andou miki. the prisoners' names are miyagawa akio, hanasaki aimi, ishizu shun, chiba naomi, sanada kei (yes, him and eiji are brothers), yoshioka eiko, yano asahi (who is actually miki's brother), maruyama yurika, kuroki riku and himura reina.

however, season 2 was.. quite intense. because of an injury that happened because the prisoners were somehow able to touch him (and it later turned out to be a punishment for not being a "good guard") sanada eiji had to take a break from being a guard, so the new guard came to take his place- ah, but not, like, completely replace him! he's just here to help miki so that she doesn't feel too lonely, haha..

anyway, i hope you will greet the third guard of the milgram prison, kuroki hinode (riku's older brother), with open arms.

the trial results were much more polarizing than the season 1 results too.

if season 1 ended with seven innocent prisoners and three guilty ones, season 2 ended with five innocent prisoners and five guilty ones. (though to be more specific, one of them actually got a 50/50 verdict, so in the end we went with her canon trial 2 verdict: guilty).

the five innocent prisoners are miyagawa akio, hanasaki aimi, sanada kei, yano asahi and himura reina.

the five guilty prisoners are ishizu shun, chiba naomi, yoshioka eiko, maruyama yurika and kuroki riku.

a lot happened after the trial too. since sanada eiji, who was responsible for punishing the guilty prisoners, got injured, it was kuroki hinode's responsibility to come up with a new punishment. he decided to go with something that the guards simply call a "memory machine": a small device that they can use to "steal" the prisoner's memories. they can take any memories they like and they can give them back whenever they want. i sure wonder how that went..

the prisoners also got some presents in the christmas special and uh.. this may sound weird, but i think you should pay attention to those presents more. they are actually kind of important.

one prisoner even found out that her parents are most likely associated with milgram and they may even be responsible for all of this.. how scary..

but oh well! that's all for season 2!

now, let's take a look at what awaits us in season 3.

i know that it would most likely be better to post a schedule and i know that people can miss something but. i find schedules too stressful, because my life is just. like that and i'm afraid i won't be able to follow it. (i know i can just queue stuff or something but the tumblr queue has failed me before. i do not trust it)

but if you need to know when you can expect an update, i try to post stuff weekly or at least once in two weeks.

i use tumblr polls and everyone's trials last a week simply because 1) i am impatient and 2) i just think that's enough.

the prisoners' voice dramas usually get posted once in a week (but there may be exceptions) and each pair's interrogation usually gets posted a week after the both prisoners' voice dramas. (all interrogations have already been written) each voice drama also includes the prisoner's music video description and a poll.

anyway, this is how season 3 will go!

- linagram season 3 albums info (album covers, original song titles, cover songs, album trailer + song trailer voicelines)

- linagram season 3 designs info (this time we're going without the character profiles, apologies for that. instead of that, i will simply put all designs in one post and talk about them a little bit. hopefully i can show how the characters have changed through their designs and the voice dramas.)

- pre-t3 voice drama #01 (the linagram verdict system will be explained. i've made a poll earlier and asked if people would prefer the verdict system to be revealed or to stay a mystery and the first option won)

- pre-t3 voice drama #02 (this one is the usual discussion of the previous trial's verdicts and how they have affected the prisoners)

- miyagawa akio's trial

- hanasaki aimi's trial

- akio and aimi's interrogation

- ishizu shun's trial

- chiba naomi's trial

- shun and naomi's interrogation

- sanada kei's trial

- yoshioka eiko's trial

- kei and eiko's interrogation

- yano asahi's trial

- maruyama yurika's trial

- asahi and yurika's interrogation

- kuroki riku's trial

- himura reina's trial

- riku and reina's interrogation

- the end of the third trial voice drama

- [REDACTED]

-[REDACTED]

anyway yeah, that's it! please be careful with your verdicts everyone. this is the last trial after all.

(and no, voting them all innocent won't make it any better... sorry </3)

[ashtonsunshine]

hey carmo!! i'm wondering if i can ask you maybe a couple questions/for advice as someone who's on other social medias than just tumblr? (to which i have to say 1) you're so pretty omg and 2) congrats on ashton retweeting you and liking your poster) i've been off basically all my other socials for about a year now and i'm realising i'm much more able to be myself on here without the expectations of all the people i still have on my socials from school and uni and every part of my life, and showing this side of myself on say, instagram, is kinda terrifying me, but at the same time it's important to me to push through this and get to the point i can be more genuine on there, i know it'll feel good when whoever still follows me knows a version of me that isn't as fake and highly masking as i've been for most of my life.

kinda pressuring myself on this rn too because i've gone and made a parody of red line that's about protesting genocide and i know if i post it there's a nonzero chance ashton will see it and if he sees it he will absolutely love it but i've never posted any of my music online before and i've also never sung anything in public either. and these are just things that are scary but i can get through them, but in the meantime i did want to ask, how do you do it, how do you decide what to post on there vs here, etc, if you're willing to answer at all? anyway thank you so much <3

Hello! 😊

Thank you so much! That's very nice of you. 💛

I've been on Tumblr for so long now and I'm pretty sure that people on here who follow me from the beginning can attest to the fact that I'm not the same person I was back then. I've grown a lot here. More confident. More outwards. More free. More unashamedly me.

Back then, there were no relatives on my Instagram, which made it easy for me to just do whatever I wanted. I've always been very careful in keeping family away from me online (hence Tumblr) because, as you said, expectations. That's why my Facebook is dead. All of them are on there. I was never afraid of my friends or uni colleagues. At 23, I had stopped caring in a way. I just wanted to be me, but it still didn't come naturally. I was still in my shell and afraid of what people would think, but I kept posting photos I liked that I wasn't ashamed of.

However, as the years went by, relatives started migrating onto Instagram, and I couldn't just block them (I mean, I could, but, ya know, interrogation would follow), so I just let it happen. I did block them from seeing my stories, though, so I still have some total relative-free freedom on there. Now they comment on my pics online and irl and they just accept it. What are they going to do? Tell a (almost) 30 year old woman what to do? I don't think so. I'd tell them to fuck off. They know not to mess with me anymore. 🤣

I personally always used social media for the things and people I like, and not to please anyone but me. I created and upkept my own bubbly, happy and genuine bubble, and I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm still very awkward in person, though, but I'm embracing looking stupid and silly in order to be able to move on with my life. It's not easy, but we roll anyways. 😎

My point is: it takes time and a it's a constant effort. You don't need to go all out, just bit by bit. You'll reach a point where you don't care anymore. And if someone has anything unpleasant to say about you or what you like, then bye bye! You don't need them in your life. You said "whoever still follows me", and that's exactly it. Those who don't mind your quirks and genuinely like you will stay, and that's all that matters. Hell, they might even encourage you further! 😊

When it comes to what I post here vs anywhere else, it's simple. I have different standards for each. Tumblr is for fandom and for me to be silly and fun and weird and insanely unfiltered. Instagram is for me irl, so it's more curated (my photos, my art, be it 5SOS or not). And Twitter is for...., honestly, I don't know. The reason I still have Twitter is because Ashton follows me on there, so I have a higher chance of him seeing my stuff. My Twitter page is very quiet. My feed is basically updates from artists I like. I don't do the social on there because I've always been scared of Twitter fandom, ngl. 😅

I only started posting my art on Instagram and Twitter because I wanted 5SOS to see it, and it has paid off on various occasions, which made me very happy. So there is a chance he will see your song, but you have to tag him in it. That's what I do. That's how he saw my StyH poster.

My advice to you, and for anyone who's reading this, is to be yourself, and I don't mean that in a magical oh just be yourself kinda way. I mean it as be genuine in what you post, wherever and whatever it might be. Masking or not masking. If you post something you truly like and that you are truly fully comfortable with, then there's nothing to fear. If people leave, then they leave. It doesn't need to be grandiose. It can be something little for a start. A photo that you absolutely adore but think that people will find weird, for example.

For me, I've learnt over the years to just be. I'm living my life, and I'm not ashamed of what I like. I'm insignificant, so I'm just gonna exist my own way. I don't care anymore. If people think I'm crazy for liking a band so much, so be it. I'm not hurting anyone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I kinda ramble a bit, but I hope it was helpful. 😚

[aoi--neko]

It's been good coming back. Most other apps made me more depressed. Even though I always feel like I'm watching everyone else talk and interact here, it's still ok. I've noticed since coming back I'm getting a lot of likes and reblogs and followers. It's definitely exiting but I also think it's because there aren't as many of us left, so when you find someone who posts the same stuff as you it's even more exciting. I'll keep posting. Hopefully be able to talk/make friends with people on Tumblr. It just always feels scary to start a conversation x3 Please say hi though, I definitely want to talk. I'm just shy xS

[itsnothingofinterest]

Can I ask you about bnha in a more harsher sense? Like not only in the fandom but also IRL?

I honestly don't trust people who genuinely hate the lov in bnha. Especially the type of people that think they should die.

There are a lot of reasons I could give but I think one of the biggest ones is the complete lack of understanding of 'why' the villains exist like they do, and even if they do know why they don't care or have any sympathy for them.

They want a kind of merciless "justice" against the real victims of hero society (the villains, for reasons clearly layed out in the story, who no one in hero society cared about until the point when it became their problem), because "innocent people" and "heroes" were hurt and killed (the civilians in MHA who, to go about their ordinary day, wouldn't look twice at a bloody suffering child) and (people who completely of there own free will sign up for the hero job and can apparently just quit and walk away even in a time of crisis, rich, popular and who '''suprisingly''' don't want anything to change unless it's a change for their benefit, 'heroes are people too!' seriously??)

They're the kind of people that only see labels, villains bad, heroes good, innocent people = innocent (👉in reality innocent but not good). And never question let alone accept why, and then want death and judgement even though it it won't accomplish anything (not even stop the deaths since the issues that made the lov are still there)

People like that are the same kind that are on the wrong side of every issue, even when admitting there is a problem unwilling to do what's necessary to fix it and still judging. That's how I feel and I wanted to ask you if you felt the same way? How do you feel about them? And everything I said above, if it's okay to ask?

I totally get what you mean.

It seems to me that some readers & viewers just don’t want to think to much about this series and see it simply as black & white as possible. As though the “Heroes” and “Villains” are exactly as described and should be treated exactly as morally monochromatic as those words imply (never mind how those words are normally just abbreviations of “Pro Heroes” & “The League of Villains”; the respective sides’ faction names); ergo it is morally unquestionable to defeat said villains by any means necessary and never question anything in the process involved, especially the villains’ origin or the consequences to follow those means.

Feels like they’re too used to the “I was wronged but now I will stab this extra to prove I’m irredeemable and wrong”-type villain. The League are not like that. Shigaraki in particular is never wrong.

But they don’t care. Even in my most charitable read possible for those particular fans; they’re here watching a Shonen to turn their brains off so moral complexity makes them weirdly mad. (Never mind the uncharitable reads.) And that gets them saying sketchy and at times scary stuff about how the victims of society need to die or go to jail forever because they didn’t suffer silently until they died, and instead disrupted the ‘sacred’ status quo. Any other fate is “the worst possible ending”. Ugh. It kind of reminds me of that one Tumblr post about how one guy likes the moral simplicity of Hollywood military vs alien conflicts; only for another guy to point out how weird it is to say there’s nothing wrong in the army killing invaders like they’re sub-human when all those terms are too easily applied to minorities.

Except I’m quite confident MHA is not trying to be that kind of propaganda; these guys are just bad at literary analysis and don’t know what this series is saying about its villains and their victimhood.

And of course no thought is given as to how to prevent other kids from growing up in the League’s situations, thus looping back to where we are now and rendering all the heroes’ efforts inevitably moot. As long as they get a cool climactic fight where Deku beats the big bad, they get what they want out of this series.

What? That just proves Shigaraki ultimately right? Again? ...Eh whatever. Cool fight, that’s what matters.

[frannyzooey]

I recently wrote my first fic. I mostly wrote it for myself but I want to post it. Is there any advice you'd give to a writer who is posting their writing for the first time?

Oh man, isn’t it scary?? Come here and lemme hug you 🫂❤️

First of all — YOU WROTE SOMETHING!!! That’s so amazing! You were inspired and you believed in your idea and yourself and you had fun and found joy and created something out of nothing and you are so incredible for doing that! I am so proud of you! 🥰

Second of all — I feel this nervousness. When I first posted, I wanted to straight up vomit nerves after I hit post, knowing that all of my 7 followers at the time were gonna see and perceive me and I was jumpy the whole damn day. It takes GUTS to share, and truth be told, I still get nervous every single time. The only way I was ever brave enough to post in the first place was because I….

Third — find a hype squad! ❤️ I would never have gotten the courage to write anything if it hadn’t been for the one friend I had on tumblr at the time (the magnificent and kind and patient @obiknights 🥰) — and when I wrote my first ever fic, it made it so much better to think about it just being sent off into the scary universe as a treat for just the two of us. This place seems huge and scary, and it can be, but you just find your couple people and stick with them — just like at a house party, or in school, or at work functions you don’t wanna be at 😎 you have fun with them, and the nerves will slowly get better. ❤️

Thankfully, other people saw what I wrote (even though that’s exactly what I was scared of) and thankfully they were very nice and enthusiastic (because we are all excited clowns here) and thankfully it brought a great number of people into my life who have given me so much joy and support — because this is, after all, a community of other people just as scared as you, so they get it. ❤️

Tag me in it — I wanna read this fic that you created with your beautiful brain 🥰

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

personal ramblings

life has been feeling rough lately, and even though some days it feels like I have a better handle on things, sometimes it hits me all at once.

taking care of a family member who has a terminal illness is hard. taking care of and supporting 2 family members who have said same illness is even harder, especially when it is your mother and grandmother. it feels like myself and my family members are literally being pulled thin by the obligations of life, and family, and being there for one another, and sometimes I forget that I'm only one person.

I also think I'm more affected than I'd like to let on cause even coming on here and trying to read fic is overwhelming. It's all starting to feel the same, to the point where I'm numb to it. Forget writing, I haven't had much inspiration to write anything at all in the last couple weeks. I feel like the mojo is gone for now. Not only that but the fixation around engagement of fics on here is starting to get to me in a way that I don't like. I don't care about notes or reblogs on my shit, but sometimes it feels like the overarching theme or purpose of putting content out on this site, and some people are downright obsessed with it, and it's scary. I try not to get sucked into it but somedays it needles it's way into my brain.

I don't really know what the point of this post was, but I feel like I'm getting more and more stressed, more cabin fever with being at home, more burnout with taking care of my mother and grandmother and it's all a bit much, and tumblr doesn't really feel like a safe space anymore that I want to come to in order to escape and shit.

I look forward to starting school in September, that's one silver lining I can appreciate. A change of pace, change of scenery and being able to learn again.

If you read this far or you still follow me for whatever reason, I appreciate you! And thank you for sticking around.

-nicole 🌹

[polkadotart]

I don’t know much about your characters because I just started following you recently but, Pearl has been popping into my mind since you posted her. She reminds me so much of a friend of mine, like a scary amount of things about her match up to my friend, who is also on tumblr so obviously this has to stay anon. So, when you were describing her, and her relationship with Molly, I really felt that lol. Even though my friend is abrasive and sometimes drives people away, it doesn’t really upset or bother me and I stick around because I can take it and we have fun.

Anyhow. I drew Pearl as a warmup color test doodle because she’s been stuck in my head. Feel free to post this, I doubt anyone will recognize my art style anyway because I changed it up quite a bit here and I don't think my friend follows you. God I hope she doesn’t follow you. I swear it was a loving comparison I have no malice in my heart.

https://imgur.com/a/WBbCaeK

Awwww that’s awesome!!! I don’t get a lot of messages like this so this was a treat I am very happy you connected with one of my characters in such a way and I really like the art you made of Pearl she looks so good I like the outfit you chose! Gonna cherish this one I love the current style you went with!!!!

[monstergoblin]

The Owl Pirates Chapter Fourteen

First Chapter Tumblr Link HERE

Previous Chapter Tumblr Link HERE

Posted First On A03 Here 

It’ll be updated on A03 first and might take me a bit to get to updating it here as I always seem to forget about my tumblr. <3

 Trigger Warnings Always Read Safe: Depression, Suicidal thoughts, Pushing down feelings, Overworking self to ignore feelings, Child Abuse (Belos is a bitch okay), Gaslighting, Self Gaslighting, Manipulation, Injuries

Notes:

I wrote a little prequel of sorts of how King and Eda met for any interested. It's not needed to enjoy the rest of the story though <3

Chapter 14: The Cabin Boy

       He thought it was common knowledge on the ship. Thought Hunter would have at least recognized Steve from Lilith's ship. He thought that Hunter would piece it together considering Steve was his big brother- but it seemed that was wrong.

 Now he was being stared at by the ex-navy- nephew of Belos- Hunter.

      And Matt thought he looked scary glaring at him before now Hunter looked pissed. His brows furrowed down and his mouth down in a frown as if Matt had betrayed him or something. Which could be what the boy thought but didn’t he also betray Belos? He was living with pirates after all.

       “I thought you knew?” Matt shrugged, trying his best not to look completely freaked out.

       “I knew Lilith was.” Hunter looked away, he sounded as if he was scolding himself.

       “Yeah- Steve and I left with her.” Matt confessed trying his best not to trigger this boy into wanting to kill him or something.

       “Steve-” Hunter repeated. “Oh.”

       “I mean- it was Steve's idea to help Lilith.” Matt shrugged. “Besides, was tired of being treated like dirt anyway.”

       Hunter stared blankly at Matt. His expression had softened a bit as he inspected him.

       “Ye-yeah I was only in the navy because of Steve anyway.” Matt added, trying to defend his own ass. If Hunter was still loyal to Belos- which Matt couldn’t understand why he would be- but he seemed to be.

       “You don’t seem like you could survive the training.” Hunter stated. 

       “I didn't,” Matt shrugged. “Steve got in- mom saw it as a good opportunity- and after a few years he was in. I was only made a cabin boy because mom died and Steve became my guardian.”

       “Oh.” It seemed to help Hunter calm down a bit.

       Matt kept his mouth shut unsure if he should keep talking or if he’d said enough and he could possibly run away from Hunter now. Luz would probably be willing to trade shifts again. Especially if Matt explained that Hunter might hold a grudge on ex-navys. Luz was nice.

       “Why did you leave?” Hunter asked.

       “I said it was Steve's idea.” Matt was fast to answer. He cleared his throat to slow himself down. “Lilith wanted to help her sister but you can’t really quit the navy, so Steve offered to help.”

       Hunter wasn’t working still. Which meant he was too focused on Matt to work. Which meant Matt probably should’ve kept his big mouth shut.

       “That makes sense.” Hunter stated looking down at the ground as if thinking. “Steve wasn’t the doctor on Liliths ship.”

       “Nah, he wasn’t. He’s not really super qualified anyway, he only picked it up since there wasn’t anyone else on the ship to do it, and he has some practice from his training days.” Matt explained.

       Hunter seemed to be calming down. Matt must’ve just surprised him. Maybe Hunter was nervous about people who knew him as a navy soldier before?

        “We never met.” Matt added. “I only ever saw you from a distance.” He shrugged. 

       “Right.” Hunter nodded walking towards the staircase- he hadn’t even finished- had he?

       “Where are you going?” Matt jumped down from the crate following the boy- he was supposed to watch him after all and did not need Eda- or worse Steve- scolding him for slacking off.

       “Air.” Hunter responded walking up the stairs and to the deck.

       Matt followed Hunter to his favorite place on the ship. Under the stairs- which was the stupidest place for Hunter to retreat to. He wasn't even upset this time. He was just sitting under there as if it were his own space. He barely fit.

       Matt took to sitting on the stairs as seemed to be the go to for everyone watching the boy when he returned to this space.

       Why was he even under there now?

       Wasn’t he mad at Matt just a few moments ago?

       Why Camila even gave Matt watches was stupid. He wasn’t good at this sort of thing. This was much more Luz’s or Willows or Gus or even Amity's thing. Even Edric and Erima did a much better job dancing around this boy's emotions or even making them better? Matt never was good at that sort of thing.

       Maybe he should get Gus.

       But Gus already did so much. He even helped Hunter buy clothes.

       This was stupid, He was only going to make it worse. He caused it in the first place didn’t he?

       Matt made his way to the opening under the stairs where Hunter had crammed himself.He didn’t look up at Matt but kept his eyes down. 

       At least he wasn’t crying.

       “Move over.” Matt demanded squeezing his way into the opening between the stairs and crates.

       Hunter backed up more into the hole making room. If Matt wasn’t so small and flexible there probably wouldn’t have been enough room in here. Matt had been right of course, this space was not comfortable.

       “I thought I’d see what the deal is with these stairs you love.” Matt stated. “They suck why do you keep hiding down here? There’s plenty of other places. Steve would let you hid out in the medbay.”

       “What.” Hunter scoffed looking at Matt now.

       “I mean out of all the places, this is literally one of the worst.”

       “Then you can leave, there’s not enough room.” Hunter shrugged.

       “Nah, I’m your problem until bed.” Matt declared. “Camila keeps making it that way.”

       “You can watch me without being in here.” Hunter tried to back himself further away but there wasn’t any more room.

       “Doesn’t this hurt your neck or your back?” Matt compained. “I mean you’re tall this should be a lot more painful to you.”

       Hunter didn’t respond, only took to staring at Matt as if he was trying to figure out his motive.

       Matt couldn’t blame him; he didn't know himself.

       “Look, I don’t know what I did to upset you. “ Matt started. “No- I do know what I said- It’s just- I just-” he fumbled over the words. How come the others made this look so easy. They did it on a daily basis with each other. “I shouldn’t have even asked. You’re clearly going through a lot. “

       “Oh.” Hunter responded looking at his knees that were pressed up against him.

       “Shit, this was a bad idea- I was just-” Matt started beginning to scramble back out of the opening. “I just didn’t want you sulking anymore, it's pathetic.”

       As he stood dusting himself off Matt didn’t dare look back or else he’d lose the nerve.

       “We all know what it’s like to not belong.” He said quickly. “So you’re not alone.”

       Then before Hunter could say a thing Matt stomped away trying to pretend his poor excuse at comfort hadn't even happened. Matt had been right; he was not cut out for this sort of thing.

       He would simply wait on the stairs for the boy to calm down and finish his babysitting shift.

-----

       Hunter finished his chores for the day. He didn’t stay under the stairs very long; he only needed to situate himself after realizing he didn’t have all the pieces to the puzzle. If it was only three ex-navys on this ship, he could probably handle that. He was more worried about where most of the others had come from and what training they would have. He had underestimated the scrawny boy as there was no way the child had survived training- which he didn't even go to- but still he hadn’t suspected him to be an ex-navy. If anything Willow was the only other child on the ship he could see fitting into the navy not Matt.

       After he finished chores, Hunter sat on the bottom of the stairs in the storage area. Where the gambling sessions were always held. Hunter was forced to witness a few as when Matt, Gus, Edric or Amity was watching him they would force him to at least sit in the room so they could participate. Luz, Willow and Emira would occasionally just skip it the evening they babysat him.

       Hunter was reading Rulers Reach as the others played. The scooching of gold being pushed into the middle and the little comments each child made was mildly distracting, but Hunter was getting used to ignoring it.

       “Raise by five.” Luz always acted so cocky when it came to the card game.

       “Calling that.” Gus smirked.

       “I fold.” Amity put her cards back on the crate the children were using as a table. “I got shit this round.” she crossed her arms leaning back.

       “I think Luz does too.” Willow chimned also calling Luzs raise.

       “I have the best cards.” Luz faked a gasp. Then she turned to Matt who was to her right. “So fold or call?”

       Matt stared at his cards with such intensity one might think they had the secret to life on them. “I-” He looked into the middle at the gold on the table and then back at his hands. “Fuck I fold.” He grumbled.

       “Yeah! Flush.” Luz cheered revealing her hand.

       “Well my dear Luz I have a full house.” Willow smirked, putting her own cards down. 

       Gus helped Luz push the gold to Willow.

       “What did you have Gus?” Matt asked.

       “That would be my little secret.” Gus smiled.

       “You had shit didn’t you.” Luz chuckled.

       “I had cards.”

       “Why did you even stay in?” Amity snorted as she grabbed Gus’s cards from him and looked at them.

       “I committed to acting like they were gold a little early.” Gus shrugged. “I couldn’t just drop the act.”

       “That’s okay I’ll take your gold.”

       “Technically that’s what I won last round anyway.” Gus smiled. “I wouldn’t have stayed in otherwise.”

       “Hunter?” Luz looked straight at the boy who hadn’t realized he had been looking up from his book for so long.

       Hunter held his book up as to pretend he didn’t even look over at them.

       “You wanna play?” Gus held the last word as if that would make it more tempting.

       “I don’t gamble.” Hunter stated.

       “Guys come on, he already said he dislikes fun.” Matt was making a poor attempt at shuffling the cards before Willow snatched half from him making it easier for him.

       “I don’t have time for fun.” 

       “You’re reading a book?” Luz scoffed. “How is that not fun.”

       To protest, Hunter put the book down. It was a boring part anyway.

       “Oh come on.” Luz sighed.

       “You can use the money you won in Boschas ring.” Amity suggested. “I know you still have it, you went straight to the ship afterwards.”

       “I don’t gamble.” Hunter stated again.

       “aw.” Luz whined, making her eyes wide like puppies. Hunter knew how to resist pleading eyes, he simply looked away.

       “If you play the next round I’ll be done after.” Matt offered, that made Hunter look back up. “I know you like to be on deck. Hell you can even hide under the stairs some more if you want. Scold yourself on having fun.”

       “Matt-” Gus began.

       “Okay.” Hunter stood.

       “Wait really?” Gus snapped his head to look at Hunter.

       “How do I play?” Hunter crossed his arms.

       “Bribery seems to work good on you.” Amity snorted. “You can sit between Gus and I.” She offered scotting the barrel she was sitting on closer to Willows stool. Gus in turn scotted his a little too to make room.

       Willow jumped up to push a barrel for Hunter to sit on- which he could’ve done himself.

       “So we shuffle first.” Luz started as Matt finished putting the two shuffled piles together. “Then whoever is to your right, cuts it.”

       Willow demonstrated by picking up half the deck and putting it on the bottom of the cards.

       “Everyone gets two cards to start.” Luz said as Matt started giving them out. “You can look at yours. Keep them to yourself.” She picked up her own two. “You can either win by getting a good hand, or you can bluff your way to winning.”

       “Of course a pirate game involves lying.” Hunter scoffed.

       “This game isn’t made by pirates.” Matt held his chin up. “Steve learned it in the navy.”

       “Right- “ Luz looked at her hand. “So its goes clockwise. On your turn you can check, raise, or call.”

       “or fold.” Gus added. “Always feel free to take the coward's way out.”

       “Gus, you need to learn how to fold.” Amity snorted.

       Gus gave a shrug and a little smirk. “You need to learn not to.”

       “Anyway-” Luz chuckled. “The first round you only have your two cards. So it’s not much to go off of. The second round we put one card from the deck straight up on the table.”  Luz demonstrated. “It acts as if it’s in everyone's hands. We do this for five rounds. The last round after everyone has made their bets. We reveal who's still in the game.”

       “You don’t have to reveal if you already folded.” Matt added.

       “Seems simple enough.” Hunter looked down at his own cards. He had no idea if they had any sort of value. 

       “Okay I’ll check.” Luz said putting the card she had drawn to demonstrate in the bottom of the pile.

       Everyone seemed to be taking it easy as it all was checks the first round. Hunter had seen them do stupid things just for the sake of making the others laugh, like when Matt bet ten gold pieces on his first two cards and everyone folded except Gus, but now they were taking it slow. Probably because of Hunter.

       Matt flipped over the first card.

       Hunter wasn’t sure if it was good.It was red like one of his but did that matter? How does one tell the values and did the cards being hearts matter?

       “Raise five.” Gus said, pushing his gold forward.

       Hunter had seen how they react to raises. You can call it which Hunter thought was matching the five gold or he could fold. He looked carefully at his two cards.

       “Call.” He decided, still unsure of what he was doing but it was only five gold.

       “Call.” Amity followed and then Willow, Matt and Luz as well.

       The second card got flipped.

       It was a diamond. The first diamond in Hunters ‘hand’. Was that important?

       “You guys started without us!” Edric nearly made Hunter jump as the boy came running down that stairs to look at the game. “Even you navy boy?” He sounded hurt like Hunter was supposed to know he wanted to play.

       “You’re going to scare him, Edric.” Emira came slowly down her hands on her hips as she looked over the game. 

       “What's the score so far?” Edric sat next to Amity on her barrel despite there not being any room for him.

       “I won one, Luz won three, Gus two and Willow two.” Amity informed not looking up from her cards. 

       “Poor Matt having bad luck?” Edric smirked over at the small boy who flipped him off.

       “Luz what’s your move?” Matt turned his attention to Luz.

       “Raise three.” Luz declared.

       “I hear that.” Gus smiled. “But how about ten instead.”

       Hunter looked down at his cards and then at the ones on the table. He hadn’t a clue what they meant.

       A hand on his shoulder made him leap and he turned to see Emira smirking. 

       “Call him.” She encouraged.

       “Call.” Hunter obeyed, pushing his coins forward. 

       What if Emira was messing with him?

       “You can’t help.” Matt pouted.

       “He’s new- it’s fine.” Gus waved a hand.

       “I didn’t have help-” Matt whined.

       “Matt, you taught us this game.” Amity snorted. “Call.”

       “With that hand Mittens?” Edric tutted.

       “Stop looking at my cards.” Amity snapped at him.

       Willow folded and Matt as well, Luz met Gus’s ten.

       They went through the other cards until they got to the last round.

       “Hmmm.” Luz looked upset by the development. “Check.”

       “Raise five.” Gus smirked, Luz shot him a glare.

       Hunter sighed. He had no idea if this was a good hand.

       “He’s got garbage.” Emira whispered to him. “Look at how much he’s playing it up.”

       Gus glared at Emira. “I have great cards.”

       “Call.” Hunter stated.

       Luz folded without a word and crossed her arms raising a brow at Gus.

       “Three of a kind.” Gus said with a wide smirk.

       “You did have shit!” Luz jumped up pointing a finger at the chuckling boy. 

       “What about you Hunter?” Gus asked. “Shit too?”

       Hunter laid his cards down unsure.

       “That's straight.” Edric chuckled. “Did you guys forget to explain the different cards to him.”

       “You won.” Emira pulled a barrel between Gus and Hunter. “That means you get the gold.”

        Oh.

       Gus helped by pushing the gold towards Hunter and Hunter stacked it up neatly as Luz started shuffling.

       “We done?” Matt asked, looking to Hunter.

       “One more round.” Hunter decided. “Someone explain the cards to me.”

       He played for two more rounds before he felt like he was actually understanding it. He didn’t win those two rounds but that was fair he was still figuring it out. Then he played for four more rounds which he won one without help. Hunter was beginning to understand why they found this enjoyable.

       It wasn’t until Perry came walking down the stairs that Hunter realized how long he had been sitting here.

       “I’m stealing Hunter.” Perry gave a pat to Hunter's shoulder. “You’ve got dinner duty, remember.”

       “Right.” Hunter put down his cards standing. He shouldn’t have been wasting time on this silly game anyway.

       “Can’t he finish this round?” Gus asked.

       “Su-” Perry started.

       “I played enough anyway.” Hunter waved off. “Let's not put off dinner.”

       “Can I stay?” Matt questioned still looking at his cards, by his attitude this round Hunter guessed they were good.

       “No, I can handle him alone.” Perry smiled. “Just if I start screaming, someone better come help.” He gave a smile down at Hunter.

       “I’m not going to attack-” Hunter started.

       That was a joke.

       Hunter clamped his mouth shut. 

       Perry chuckled, leading him out of the storage room.

        ---------

       It wasn’t until dinner that Matt was to watch Hunter again. Dinner was more lenient as everyone was in the same room, or nearby at least. Hunter usually took to sitting in a corner or under the damn stairs that was right outside the galley doors. They usually left them propped open anyway but it felt weird being in the galley laughing with Gus while Matt could clearly see Hunter- who had helped make the dinner. Sitting under the stairs eating alone.

       He looked lonely.

       It was his own fault so Matt shouldn’t feel bad about it. Luz always made a point in telling Hunter he could sit with her, or Willow would, even Gus did once. Yet Hunter always liked sitting away from everyone.

       “Matt?” Gus questioned, with that stupid know-it-all raised eyebrow and smirk that the boy always got when he was reading Matt like an open book.

       “Get out of my face.” Matt complained pushing the boy out of his personal bubble.

       “He does look lonely out there huh?” Gus eyed the ex-navy boy as well.

       Yeah Gus was good at reading him.

       “Fuck you.” Matt sighed, still debating on talking to the ex-navy, but it wouldn’t got good anyway. He tried earlier today but that was a poor attempt.

       Maybe Gus could-

       “Come on Matty.” Gus patted Matt's shoulder as he stood and made his way to the blond boy.

       “Ho- Hold on.” Matt scrambled up, thankful that Gus waited for him, and caught up with the barely taller boy.

       As they walked out of the galley Matt could make out Hunter saying things between bites.

       “Chirp- Rise- Sun- Light- Protect.” The ex-navy didn’t seem to be saying a sentence, or talking to himself even. Why was he just saying random words?

       “Care if we join you?" Gus asked, looking at the boy who was sitting on the edge of the hole so his legs and head were out of it.

       “There’s not room.” Hunter swallowed, his eyebrows were pointed down in disapproval.

       “Not under the stairs.” Matt sighed, a little embarrassed he had thought that a good idea at all. “Out here.”

      Hunter raised his brows and shrugged.

       “Great.” Gus sat on the ground leaning his back against one of the crates crammed under the stairs. “It’s a nice night to be outside, a little noisy in the galley tonight, ‘ey Matt.”

       “O-oh yeah.” Matt took to sitting cross legged across from the others making a sort of triangle shape in the way the three sat from each other. 

       “What were you saying when we walked out?” Gus asked, looking up at Hunter.

       “Nothing.” Hunter answered much too quickly.

        They shouldn’t have come out here, this was stupid.

       “So after you left Matt here actually won a round.” Gus started talking- how he could do that and seem so confident was beyond Matt. “He waited until Luz put chores on the line- we should’ve known he was playing the long con.” Gus shot a wink at Matt.

       Why did he wink at him.

       “Of- of course I was.” Matt stuttered ignoring the heat in his face. “I always know how to deceive.”

       “Had me fooled.” Gus turned back to Hunter. “It would’ve been fun if you weren’t on dinner duty. Was dad helpful?”

       “He did most of the work.” Hunter muttered looking down at his food as if it had insulted him.

       “He probably thought you were tired.” Gus shrugged. “You do have an abundance of chores. I wouldn’t mind taking a couple off of you. What about you Matty?”

       He just got out a few chores with Luz’s bet. He did not want to do Hunter's chores.

       But Gus had that stupid look in his stupid big eyes.

       “Only a few.” Matt agreed.

       “You don’t have to help me.” Hunter glared at them, “I’m not helpless.”

       “Oh-” Gus stopped his confidence fading. “I was just- I didn’t mean- Sorry.”

       “What the fuck!” Matt snapped. “We were being nice.” He stood up and pulled Gus' arm. “This was stupid. Let’s just go.”

       Gus stumbled after him as Matt awkwardly dragged him behind but Gus managed to get his footing as he followed back into the galley.

       “He’s got fucking problems.” Matt complained loud enough to be sure the ex-navy could hear.

       “Matty he-” Gus started.

       “Don’t Matty me!” Matt glared up at Gus. “He was being rude.  Don’t defend him!”

       Gus snorted looking away.

       “Fuck is wrong with you! He was awful!” Matt was sure he was being noisy and everyone could hear but he was never good at holding his volume, why bother now.

       “Just ironic.” Gus waved off dismissing the shorter boy. “You're mad about someone being rude.”

       “Hey!” Matt snapped. “I was defending you!” He handed his bowl to Gus. “Forget it, I’m not hungry anymore! You can watch Hunter after dinner. I'm done!” He stormed away, not letting Gus have time to get another word in.

       And to think he was mad at Hunter for making Gus upset. 15TH Chapter Tumblr Link