#posting my journals to tumblr encourages me to write them in the first place

[ohbandera]

Journal: Schrödinger's author

I think it is really important to be able to take a piece of art and look at it both from the angle of artistic intent as well as how it resonates with you.

It may be different for others, but my experience in most fine art classes(tm) was not to consider how I resonated with art, but to only really look at artistic intent. It would visibly upset professors if an artist had purpose for a piece but I saw it differently based on the context I consumed it in. Perspective can change the meaning of art entirely, and I feel like some people struggle to hold more than one meaning for something in their heads.

This kinda leads into one of my favorite quotes:

“That’s one of the great things about music. You can sing a song to 85,000 people and they’ll sing it back for 85,000 different reasons.”

― Dave Grohl

"death of the author" is often approached from too black and white of a perspective. When an artist puts their work into the world, do they lose authority over the perception of their work, or does their intent majorly influence said perception?

I like to call this "Schrödinger's author." The author is both dead and alive... because I believe the answer to "death of the author" is both.

Artist intent both matters and does not. It depends on the person consuming it and the context in which it is consumed.

Two people with completely different backgrounds can view a piece of art or media and see it in opposite ways... and chances are, they see it differently from the artist as well. However, if they are exposed to the artist's intent for the work, they may now hold more than one meaning for it in their heads.

I think now more than ever it is important to approach the art and media we consume with nuance. I've had my fair share of "this art sucks and I hate it, therefore it is bad and shouldn't exist" growing up... especially in school. This was almost entirely because I looked at it too black and white- either artistic intent was not exposed to me at all, or artistic intent was all I was encouraged to consider.

Some of this of course was an ignorance on my own part, and some of it was a critical failure in the American education system.

From my experience, critical thinking and nuance is not taught or encouraged in modern academic settings, and it is making for a less media literate population... The result is a society that is more susceptible to black and white thinking, propaganda, and misinformation. That, historically, is especially dangerous when applied to human art and expression.

[thelaurenshippen]

How much of an impact has writing and consuming fanfiction had in your writing career?

I ask about fanfiction specifically because it's such an open communication sort of media, it's so easy for author and reader to interact. Do you think you'd write differently if you'd never been in the Fanfiction community? What do you think has carried over from those works and interactions into your current works?

ooh, such a fun question! I've never really thought about this before!

so I will admit, while I have been reading fanfiction since 2006, I never actually wrote fanfiction until 2018 (and then didn't share any of it until 2021). so I think those specific relationships affected my writing in very specific ways.

from a reading perspective, I think fanfic really showed me that a story can be anything, told in a million different kinds of ways. the two fandoms that I was deeply entrenched in/reading fic in were sherlock (lol) and the winter soldier (I stand by it). both of those fandoms - TWS especially - did a lot of very interesting stuff when it came to story structure, multimedia storytelling, etc. while of course there's great published fiction that does the same (I've been a huge David Mitchell stan since I was 20, I read House of Leaves for the first time a few years ago, A Series of Unfortunate Events is such a great example of this tbh), I think there's a lot of freewheeling experimentation in fanfiction that encouraged me to do things like write Some Faraway Place as a mix of journal entries, reddit posts, letters, and tumblr posts.

it's also interesting to me that you bring up the author/reader interaction, because you're right, it is such a huge part of fanfic and a part I rarely thought about for a looooong time. I'm a socially anxious lurker by nature, so I would leave comments (show your local fanfic writer some love!) and I would follow a lot of those writers, but I'd never, like, interact with them directly. and my comments were usually along the lines of "I'M FLINGING MYSELF DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN" rather than openings to conversations lol.

but that changed significantly when I started writing fic. the first fandom I wrote for was SO small and the ship I was writing for even smaller (I'm responsible for over half the fics in that tag), so there wasn't really any interaction there. but then I started writing in a different fandom - still small but much more active - and joined a discord and everything. I'm not really active anymore, but I met someone who now has become one of my best friends and who is a huge reason why Desperate Hollow, my queer outlaw novel, finally got fucking finished.

so being in fanfic really affected my writing in the sense that I found a writer friend who - like a lot of other writing friends - has had a profound affect on me as an artist. but more broadly, writing fic for that fandom - about 200k words of it in eight months - taught me some very important things:

how to write a lot of words very, very quickly

how to let go of something being perfect - no one knows who I am on ao3 and people are just happy to have fic for a small fandom, so it doesn't have to be GOOD

how to write physicality - this is very hard for me, even now. I'm an audio first person, I rarely think about what people look like, how they move their bodies, etc. writing fic is so helpful, because if you're using canon scenes, you don't have to come up with the blocking, you just have to figure out how to describe it.

dialogue/character voice - learning how to mimic a writer's style is good from two perspectives: one, you learn more about style and voice by having to unpack someone else's. two, as a writer working in a scripted medium, you often are trying to write to an established style, because you might be in a writer's room for a world that you didn't create.

this is a less tangible effect, but writing mature works for a fandom that has mostly morally gray characters helped me get more comfortable with being bolder in my own work. Desperate Hollow is about two men in the wild west, one of whom has killed a lot of people, and both of whom are career criminals. the show I'm working on currently has the messiest found family dynamic and it will only get messier. I think in the course of writing TBS, I sometimes got scared of doing the wrong thing, or of leaning too hard into the darker parts of the story, and I'm trying to let my characters and stories be deeply imperfect now.

I hope that answers your questions!

[dragonrider9905]

If you could get to know and/or write with another writer (or more) who would it be?

Hi Anon!!!!!

Thank you SO much for the ask!!!!! This is such a fun one, and I appreciate you thought to send it my way!!!!!

Hoooooo boi, there are SO many cool people on here and AO3, I hope I get them all because SO many people deserve an honorable mention at least. There are also many artists who'd I'd be honored to have work collaborated with.

*Quick disclaimer, I may not tag everyone because I work long hours so if I've forgotten you, it isn't intentional, my brain is just stupid. So I shall begin!!!!

First and foremost, my dear writing friend @eclec-tech. She is literally the coolest. Her stories?!?!?!? Some of the best AU and OCs I've ever read. I will love and ship Tech/Phee, but Miran Threst has first place in my heart for Tech (even over my own OC!) She's read a lot of my work, encouraged me so much in the beginning of my time writing and even now when I get very disheartened with my progress. She's the reason I'm here on Tumblr! Her stories are just so cool. And she's a cool person.

Of course there is my bestie @photogirl894 🥰she shares my innate love for Hunter and the Bad Batch. Her ideas are SO fun and she's so fun to chat with. I've read a lot of her work before we met and I fangirled from a distance til she invited me to chat. I'm still so in awe of just talking to her, it'd be a dream to write something with her.

@apocalyp-tech-a is a moot I'd love to get to know more. Her work is freakn amazing!!!!! I know we share a love of many things, especially poetry. Her things never disappoint. Her Tech anthologies blow me away. She's so sweet and humble too.

@lizartgurl (or @jedipoodoo) I hold in awe for her medieval Batchers. I'd love to get to know her a bit more and I'D BE SO DOWN to write something with her sometime. Goodness, Hunter is beautiful on his own but BAM medieval Hunter? Just made him so much more so. She's been an inspiration to me and my own writing.

@arctrooper69 is SOOOO fun to work with!!!! She wrote "As Iron Sharpens Iron" and asked me to beta read. IT'S SO FREAKN FUN to work with her as we add fine details to her already freakn amazing story! (seriously folks, go check it out)

@carolinetano7567 has some amazing stuff I've loved seeing on here and I know we share a love of the Batch and Wingfeather! It'd be fun to collaborate someday.

@trapezequeen is such a fun presence on here too. We've discussed story ideas and it's always so fun!!!!!

Quick break to shoutout people I don't know if they're on here or not -- my great friend who I write "Hunter's Stress Journal" with, Ghost Cookie, SlimTech, Yazstar, kaydear, Cuthian, and a few other Ao3 authors I majorly fangirl over their works.

@ghostofskywalker has so many fun ideas and so many cool works and is always so sweet when I submit requests. I'm always awestruck by the work. Not to mention all the cool exchanges Ghost puts together? Those are always so much fun and so cool to participate in.

Of course there's dear @masterjedilenaaa, one of the first writers I discovered in fanfiction. I am always awestruck by the amount of detail and fine work done in all of the requests I've submitted. I think I'd faint if she'd ask me to collab.

@ladysongmaster is SUCH a cool person!!!!!! and all of the amazing stories she writes?!?!?!?! pleeeeeeease colllabing with her would be mindblowing!!!!!!

I'd love to get to know @moonstrider9904 more. I've seen a lot of her posts and she's so fun to interact with!!!!!

@klmwrites has so many different, COOOOL, like freakn cool, ideas. All of the ones I've read have left me at the edge of my seat, needing, wanting more. To work with someone so amazing and creative?!?!?! I think I'd just be too awestruck.

I have to have at least an honorable mention for @techs-stitches and @ovaa-bi-bia. They've been SO supportive of me in the past. I don't know if they write, but I love seeing their posts and getting to know them.

@frostycatblr-fandom-files is a favorite pop up of mine too. I love seeing the artwork and the stories!!!!!!! Collabing would be fun!!!!

@imabeautifulbutterfly is such an amazing, sweet, person!!!!! And the creativity?!?!?!?! the beauty with which she writes?!?!?! I would LOVE to collaborate with her. She's been a beautiful soul and a great friend <3 She might be last on the list but CERTAINLY not the least!!!! <3

Gee, I know there are more, but like my disclaimer earlier stated, my brain isn't at full steam.

So in short...a lot of people XD Thanks for taking the time to read my long winded response :) and for asking!!!! 🥰❤️

[writernopal]

Author Ask Tag

Tagged by a few peeps for this one!

@eponymoussquared here

@writeblr-of-my-own here

@gummybugg here

Thank you all so much! 💙

Tagging (gently): @sam-glade @theroseempress @squarebracket-trick @writingmaidenwarrior @writinglittlebeasts @mysticstarlightduck @elshells @tabswrites

1. What is the main lesson of your story (e.g. kindness, diversity, anti-war), and why did you choose it?

To be compassionate of one another. We're all different for so many reasons but we're more alike than you might think and at the end of the day we're all people doing our best and trying to get by. It's important to remember that and to know that we're all dealing with our own things along the way.

I chose it because it truly saddens me how much we as people hold each other back due to in-fighting and othering one another. I wanted a way to examine that and hopefully communicate to anyone reading AASOAF how harmful something like that is. It's no coincidence that the art and humanities have all but come to a standstill in Oepus and that's just part of it...

In short, be kind to your fellow man, dammit.

2. What did you use as inspiration for your worldbuilding (like real-life cultures, animals, famous media, websites, etc.)?

Lizards for sure haha. But a lot of my inspiration comes from nature, human history, music, movies, and foley design! Also, I have an intense curiosity about all sorts of different things so Google deep dives are very inspiring!

3. What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

My MCs are trying to find their places in the world. They all kind of get confronted with some pretty harsh truths about their respective situations and are kind of forced to decide if they're going to keep going down their current path or if they are going to do something to change it.

As far as what I'm trying to achieve, I think I really want to drive the point that familiar =/= safe or "good". It can, but not always. I also really want to demonstrate that no matter who you are or where you come from, introspection, questioning the world around you, and deriving meaning to 'life and purpose', are something we should all engage in. I sincerely hope that it gives my readers the courage to do those things for themselves and grow into the versions of themselves I know they can be!

4. How many chapters is your story going to have?

As many as it takes.

5. Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

Original! AASOAF 3 will join AASOAF 1 & 2 on Wattpad when it's all finished! I have considered moving platforms recently but I'm not sure where yet.

6. When and why did you start writing?

My writing journey kind of comes in two parts. I started writing back when I was a teenager but only did it for about a year. I can't really remember why I stopped and I definitely don't have anything from that time, mostly because I didn't think to save it. I really wish I had though.

After that, I didn't get back into writing until late 2019 at the encouragement of my therapist that I journal my feelings. So I did that, but then somewhere along the way I remembered how much I liked stories and I started writing for fun!

7. Do you have any words of engagement for fellow writers of Writeblr? What other writers of Tumblr do you follow?

Just write, bro. Seriously. I think people get bogged down in a deluge of advice, technique, the "right" way to do things, etc, etc that they quite literally lose the plot. They forget why they started writing in the first place or build it up to be this thing they're afraid to engage with or even forget that under all of that they are just trying to tell a story. SO TELL IT. Stop putting up imaginary walls for yourself dude. WRITE. THE. DAMN. THING. You're not going to nail it on the first try, THAT'S FINE (and kind of the point, hello editing!) and you will get better over time. It's like jumping into a swimming pool and getting upset when you discover that you're not an Olympic level swimmer. Give yourself some grace and write the damn thing.

As far as other writers, I follow so many lovely peeps that this post would be longer than a CVS receipt if I listed them all LOL so instead, have some of my darling moots who have made being on this little corner of Tumblr that much sweeter 💙

@outpost51

@sam-glade

@elshells

@writingmaidenwarrior

@tabswrites

@crowandmoonwriting

@acertainmoshke

@captain-kraken (not around so much anymore but you had such a positive impact on me, dear captain, that it cannot be overstated)

[guzsdaily]

Day 100

Day 100 - Feb 13th, 12.024

Well, it's here! Day 100, I never thought it would last this long, but here we are. Time to see the past, the present, and the future.

The past

I created my Tumblr account on around September 24, [1]2023, because pretty much because of videos of r/Tumblr, it always seemed like a place where there are just people sharing thoughts, interests, random and comedic posts sometimes, and I have to admit that this vision haven't changed that much lol. Social media in general was never something which interested me, even when nowadays I have around 8 social media accounts (counting both general- and art-accounts), I pretty much never use them or even explore their timelines, I know how addicting they can be and how much they value short and disposable posts. And I won't be blindsided and say that all these problems Tumblr doesn't have, but they seem to be in a smaller scale than in the alternatives. Also, the unlimited character number shows how much long-posts sharing ideas and topics in-depth are valued, which is something I appreciate a lot - even knowing how much the daily journal entries shrank this past month or two. I feel like here I can share the things I'm interested easily, independently if anyone will read or not, and I'm not encouraged to make "hot takes" or "trending" posts.

And this coincided with a new series of videos of someone I watch: the daily vlogs by Hunter Peterson. I already have watched some vlog YouTubers which share things like productivity advice, some about self-help, and some "student log", you probably already know how them are. However, something different kinda hit me, which is hard to explain seeing how much time passed since that day. Hunter, for me, that type of YouTuber or influencer, whatever you want to call it, that you primarily just see for entertainment like anyone else, but that a sometimes they will say something or give really helpful advice to you the viewer, and that slowly help you improve yourself while watching fucking memes without giving so much of a care - nowadays most of the creators that I watch follow the same line, and you can say it is parasocial or whatever, but a lot of them really helped me in some aspects of my life and makes me feel inspired and motivated to do the things that I love. - And in this daily vlog of him, he mentioned two things which really hit me: the idea and passion of creating something that you love and most importantly, something which defines you, akin to a "childish dream"; And the archiving of creation, not just to share the process and ideas, but also so you are able to see how much you have grown and worked since day 1.

Because of the video, my mind pretty much didn't let me sleep easily because I was thinking about the idea of doing the same, of logging the creation of the Capytal project, of getting a job, of just fucking trying to create something, and the day after, I immediately wrote the script of the video "Daily Journal - Day 0". Yes, these daily journals started as a video series. The script was a lot shorter than the first post, being pretty much just a 5 minutes video, I haven't written a video script in a long time and my "video creator" muscles were very weak - and still are. In the video, I pretty much just introduced myself and the reality that I would in the [at the time] next year (2024) get a job since in 2023 I wasn't able to concretize the idea of being autonomous and sustain myself with my own applications and projects. Also in it, I ended up writing a monologue, almost a small manifesto to my self, that I would create the Capytal project, that I would create it in small steps, independently of how much money or fame I have nowadays. I remember to end up crying because of how much emotion I put into that script, I seemed like a last effort to create the things that I love.

However, like almost all videos that I tried to create, there were something which hit and blocked me from continuing the idea: my voice and English. I'm not a native speaker, I'm Brazilian, and have learned English just because of videos. There were some interactions with native speakers, and I was able to communicate and chat normally most of the time, it is fluent enough to be understandable. However, I stumbled with words, tone and pronunciation a lot while reading the script. Being someone which almost never talks even in my native language since I'm always inside my bedroom alone didn't help also, and I always end up with a sour throat and have to drink a lot more water to talk after having a long conversation with someone.

I tried recording and editing the audio for around 2-3 days, and the initial hype and motivation of the video was starting to fade out, like it always happens when I have one idea of video. Although, I wrote the entire script in my Markdown editor (Obsidian), and Tumblr has Markdown support, not only that, but I started to see people using Tumblr as a blogging platform and posting things such as Devlogs and "X days of Y", sharing ideas in a format which I also read in my RSS feed and other websites' blogs are written in. Also, the idea of creating daily videos, for someone who's trying to find a conventional job from Sunday to Friday, with also his own projects, relationships, etc. started to seem rightfully overwhelming. But just giving an hour or so to write a blog post doesn't seem that much, and without needing to write my own blog on my website to start, it seemed like a good start "To stop the domino effect" of procrastinating that I was having.

The present

And now I'm here, 100 days deep, with just one day which I posted outside my 24h frame in my timezone to post. I would say that this is a win. How many people read these posts? To my knowledge, just two: myself, and a friend that I made here on Tumblr (I'm really thankfull of your support and being your friend @sophia-codes). Do I care of how many people read this? No. The reason that I started this journal was to prove to myself if I can be dedicated enough to do something every day, it was made to archive my creative and work journey, it was made to know better where and how I was when things happened in my life, it was made to share ideas and stories to myself and anyone who end up interested or not in it. And I think I partially succeeded in this task.

I will not say here that since day 1 a lot of things changed, even less that anything changed because of this daily journal. I still have procrastinating problems sometimes, I still haven't created any completed application or software, I still don't have a job. It's just 100 days, and in the scale of life, it's kinda little time, being just around 3 months. However, I was able to organize my mind and day-to-day pretty much, now I have a good system of daily-, weekly-, monthly-notes and so on to know when I need to do a task, to balance the work on each project, and to not be easily overwhelmed with overdue and to-do tasks in my mind. Nowadays, I also have something to always do each day, so I'm always somewhat grounded on the idea of having a routine and organizing myself, so I'm able to write these daily journals in time. Because of the daily journals now I have a good repository of ideas, concepts and general content to use and remix for other social medias, and even when a lot of the last posts started to feel a lot more like a small "life log" without so much content, I still was able to write about some interesting topics like: Getting things done and "The Cult of done"; The Capytal project and having a objective in life; Learning how to play games with Factorio and ULTRAKILL; Saving and sharing memories before you die; Anxiety when hunting for jobs; Laughing at my own insecurities; Switching from Arch Linux to NixOS, and tweaking my workspace for myself; And The history of the web and why I use links everywhere.

And I have to admit, I would like to write more interesting topics, rather than just "logs" of my life.

The future

Now, the exciting stuff, the promises of future projects which have a good chance of not happening.

The daily journal

I still want to do these daily blog posts, but I don't know if I will still create daily "journals". Not a lot happens in one day, and not every day I'm able to write an interesting topic, even when I have a list of possible posts, I feel like if I wrote every single day something this size it would end up somewhat saturated and consume a lot of time of myself, that's one of the reasons that the single-paragraph posts started to pop up a lot more. However, it's hard to have a good middle-ground I think, and with the system that I mentioned some posts ago - of taking these posts and using them on social media automatically - it's hard to think of a solution. So for now not a lot will change on them, but there are some ideas.

These daily journals aren't really something personal to me, yes, I do share some opinions and histories of my day, but I do want to keep things somewhat private in my life and just share things related to the creative and work process of my projects. That's why I also created things such as the @guzscode and @guzsart side-blogs, so I can make posts related to each topic, and the @guz013 blog for general posts. I have to admit that it was somewhat of a mistake naming this blog "guztav013" and using it for the daily journals, since it was in the start made for more personal and off-topic stuff, but here we are. The main idea to fix it that I have is to make this blog more of an aggregation of daily blog posts that I want to make in the other side-blogs, with some smaller posts directly here when they don't have a direct topic or are the one-paragraph posts to keep the counter going. In other words, I plan to post a lot more in the @guzscode and @guzsart blogs, and then just re-blog them here as a "daily blog entry", so all the posts are together in one place with the counter on top of them (this would also exist in my website when I create the blog page of it). Also, the name and branding of the blog will be changed to reflect these changes, I don't know when exactly I will start these changes and start posting on other blogs, but I will probably change the name sooner so it's easier to migrate all the URLs of the blog.

Hobbiest Monologue

New project! This is an idea that I had recently, which I hope to get starting somewhat soon.

I have always wanted to create videos, being someone which watch a lot of them for entertainment and learning while growing, it is hard to forget this side of my life and hobby in general. In the past, even before daily journals and all of this, I did editing for videos with my friends, made trailers for them, assets with After Effects, motion graphics, but never actually started a channel or produce a complete video for myself - without taking into account the "0.0" videos that I do every New Year's Eve. And nowadays, with things like hunting for a job and creating my own coding projects, it's near impossible to do highly edited videos how I would like to do in a somewhat consistent base.

So that's why I'm creating Hobbiest Monologue, a new personal project and YouTube channel/series similar to these daily journals.

This new project is, as the name somewhat implies, a one-person talk while doing hobbies - yes, I know that at this point it's somewhat egocentric to have so much "listen/read my work/opinion", but it is hard to create anything else somewhat easily, pure-creative or pure-artistic things, seeing how much work things such as animation, drawing, etc. can take. The videos will be unscripted, so I can somewhat train my English. They will have some topics relating to the week, projects, ideas, similar on how I do things here in the daily journals, and now with the future changes here, Hobbiest Monologue will be the place where I do more personal talks and logs I would say. My main objective is to be able to do them every week, taking advantage of how simple the videos will be done on a weekend while doing some hobby or playing some game, and hopefully edited and posted on the same day.

I was planning on posting the first episode together with this post, but due to the past days' occurrences and how many things I need yet to do this week, I hope to be able to at least post on the weekend of the next week. And hopefully creating these videos, can fulfill my will of creating videos for now until I'm able to create more edited and time-consuming videos and series.

Elementria

There is another part of my life which I think that I talked the least in these daily journals, it being art and drawing.

I liked to draw pretty much since I was a kid, but just started to actually draw it on a somewhat consistent basis for around 2020 to 2022-ish, just getting an actual drawing tablet around 2021, before that I drew with the mouse on my computer using things like Illustrator. And after 2022, I stopped a lot, just drawing on special occasions like Valentine's Day and my dating anniversary to make gifts for my girlfriend. Outside that, I completely stopped creating Original Characters and random drawing of the ones of I already have, just making one drawing of my fursona in the start of 2023, which was a new re-design of him. And in the same vein of the will of creating videos, I still do want to draw more, not only that, I want to finally create my own universe which I have in mind for years now.

So why not draw comics on the weekend also?

And that's why I'm saying it here, I want to return to drawing and create the universe of Elementria, which I will not spoil here since it's full of secrets ;)

I will just be clear here, I'm not the best artist in the world, I'm very far from it, and also I never actually created a web-comic in my life or even told or wrote a history like it. The comics for now will be just small things, showing the universe slowly, things of the day-to-day of my OCs, primarily my fursona since I can pretty much just recreate days of my life with it. However, I do plan to expand and slowly create a history of this universe. It will have plot-holes, things that don't make a lot of sense, OCs changing and style changing over the days, but - hopelly - it will be real.

All the comics will be posted on @guzsart, or a separated blog for the universe, I'm still unsure.

And I think that's it, 100 days... not a lot really happened in these 3 months, but also a lot changed in myself I would say, and there's a lot for the future yet. I do hope that this counter and blog posts can one day be in the 500s or even 1000s, but just time will tell. I don't care if anyone will read this today or in the future, I'm proud that I came into this milestone, I never actually believed that I would be able to be here writing this post, but apparently consistency, discipline and a good amount of pure will to prove yourself something can really push you.

Hopefully, I can also put this will and consistency in other projects, from Hobbiest Monologue, to the full name and company Capytal, I don't care how much time it will take, I want it to be real one day. But there are a lot of turns in this path that I need to take until I'm able to live fully from my own creations.

As always, I will be forever be just someone, someone who's trying to improve.

Thank you for reading.

- Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello.

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Today's artists & creative things

Song: Determination - by Toby Fox

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Copyright (c) 2024-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello contact.guz013@gmail.com

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License

[astroismypassion]

☀️🌞 Sun and houses: where and how we shine the most 🌞☀️

Credit blog: Tumblr blog @astroismypassion

@iamqueen233 asked me the other day in my mailbox if I could write about sun and houses and where, how we shine the most. I thought it was an interesting question so I dedicate a whole post to it! 😘

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 Sun in the 1st house ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

You shine the most in doing exercises, workouts, physical activities. When you are just being your unique self, when you embrace your own individuality, personality, traits and encourage others to do the same. When you don’t beat around the bush. When your are tolerant and patient, yet compromising and in tune with other people in the team as well. When you help other people in the group. When you choose to do whatever you feel like doing with your clothing style.

💋💋 Sun in the 2nd house 💋💋

You shine best when you develop some skills, when you know your values, preferences, likes, dislikes. When you have good spending habits. When you share your possession, talents, skills, life experiences with others and teach them your skills.

🗣���� Sun in the 3rd house 🗣🗣

You shine the most in elementary and high school, when you read a book, listen to a podcast, learn a new (verbal) skill, language, connect with neighbours. Your posts on social media must be fire! Or you like to shout out for your friends on your social media. This is another placement that really likes group project or work on something with a team of friends.

🐳🐳 Sun in the 4th house 🐳🐳

I dare to say that your close friends, family, relatives would actually describe you as bossy, stubborn and attention loving! Because these people around you are the ones that are most aware of these traits of yours. Again, similar to Sun in the 10th house avoid boss-ing around your friends and family since it might create resentment in them.

💛💛 Sun in the 5th house 💛💛

You shine best in your own free time, working on whatever interest you and that you’re passionate about. Basically when you escape from responsibilities. You shine in sports, hobbies, dealings with children and love affairs. When you channel your creative energies into whatever project or side hustle.

📚📚 Sun in the 6th house 📚📚

The key with this placement is really daily self improvement. You should pick 6 activities that you practise daily and repeat them. The downside here is that you might also get bored with them after 21 days. Then you should pick new 6 activities. But always come back to the old ones and “rotate” them. So that you create a wheel of daily habits that stabilze you, make you feel at ease, that you don’t procrastinate and don’t become too anxious.

💜💜 Sun in the 7th house 💜💜

The lesson for this placement is to become less vain and selfish, but to learn to be compromising with people, yet still emphatise with people individually so understanding them and their needs on one on one personal level. You shine best when you express concern for others, but still have fulfilling relationships based on mutual reciprocation. Honestly you just really like people giving you genuine compliments, but you try to give them back those as well and suddenly you’re not exchanging only compliments, but you’re in a full on romantic partnership.

♥️♥️ Sun in the 8th house ♥️♥️

You shine best when respect your partner’s values, change career often (or when it’s not dull and monotone), when you let go and you’re emotionally responsible. When you take emotional accountability. When you have sexual self control, but also during sex. When you people watch. When you recognise other people’s gift and you express that in a transparent way. Basically when you see talent in others and express that to them. When you are vulnerable.

⛵️⛵️ Sun in the 9th house ⛵️⛵️

When you have cultural exchange with people from the community, when you try to understand abstract ideas and concepts. When you are devoted to a person or a project on a daily basis. When you do something more risky, yet spontaneous. When you dress up for whenever you are travelling somewhere, visit something foreign (restaurant, place, city) or visit something for the first time. When you inspire other with telling your personal life stories and happening and this is how you also connect with other people (great storyteller!). When you understand the collective thought.

⚓️⚓️ Sun in the 10th house ⚓️⚓️

You shine best when you have a quality relationship with your parents, elderly people, your mentors, those that inspire you to so better. When you have a good relationship with your superior and when you are willing to sacrifice yourself for your OWN self mastery. It’s very important for you to have a good relationship with your mother. You naturally attract recognition from authorities or in the public community. You could be good in politics or voicing your opinion in a public standing. You are attention when you are respectful of others. Authority figures naturally gravitate towards you, because they see themselves in you.

💚💚 Sun in the 11th house 💚💚

Believe it or not, this placement is actually very similar to Sun in the 1st house. They shine the most when the embrace themselves, team up with people and still assert themselves individually. You shine best when you have a side hustle going or an online business. When you take care of younger siblings or cousins, relatives. When you give each person in the family a role. When you protect back people that protected you in the past, especially during childhood.

💖💖 Sun in the 12th house 💖💖

When you create, DIY in your alone time. When you take time off for yourself and recharge your individual needs before helping, mingling with other people. When you treat to separate yourself from the rest of society through film, dance, arts, use of your creativity and imagination. When you try writing poetry, keeping a journal (daily, meditation, gratefulness, planner). When you address your own limitations, frustrations and daily duties responsibilities.

Credit blog: Tumblr blog @astroismypassion

[alynnl]

I am victorious!

Attempt #6 against Galdera.  And I did it.

I won.

8-Boss Rush

During the boss rematches, I did what I planned at the end of Attempt 5.  I used Cyrus (Sorcerer), Alfyn (Hunter), Therion (Cleric) and Ophilia (Starseer.)

With a steady bit of concocting (the Pomegranate panacea), Aelfric’s Auspices and 6 times the sorcerer magic, I went through the first eight matches in no time!

Omniscient Eye

Cyrus (Sorcerer with Elemental Aid, switching out Elemental Augmentation), Alfyn (Hunter) Tressa (Runelord), Therion (Cleric)

Energizing Pomegranate on Alfyn, Dohter’s Charity towards Tressa, and Revitalizing Jam on the entire party.  Aelfric’s Auspices with Therion and 6 times the Lux spells with Bishop’s staff equipped on Cyrus.

I kept this up until I had the three souls, and then I hit them either with light or their respective elemental weak points (keeping up the Auspices and Cyrus’s SP.)  When it got to be the Eye by itself, I used Transfer Rune + Light Rune with Tressa and hammered it with her attacks, Therion’s Steal SP (to Share SP with Cyrus) and finally... Elemental break.  With Light Pursuit with Cyrus.  Absolutely busted.  Followed by 6 x Lux spells keeping the Auspices up.  Absolutely fried him.

Galdera the Fallen

H’annit (Warmaster), Olberic (Apothecary), Ophilia (Starseer), Primrose (Scholar)

H’annit stayed 1 HP because I benched her til this fight.  Unleashing Winnehild’s Battle Cry with Fortitude and her at 1 HP.  

Primrose was more or less there to use Pomegranates and items at her leisure.

Olberic and his massive HP for Incite

Ophilia there for the revives should H’annit need them.

With three full hits of Winnehild’s Battle Cry, I finally did it!  I am in disbelief but victory is mine!

Final Thoughts

It feels like it was a long-fought battle.  But this time, at the 6th attempt, something felt different.  I was in a heck of a lot more control, probably because I gave this battle the space I needed to modify my strategy and come out on top!

I am overjoyed beyond words to have finally beaten this game all the way through and reached the true ending!

Was it frustrating?  Oh yes.  But was it worth it? Also yes.

The journals, Kit’s closure, and the encouragement for the player to find their own journey... and the freedom to explore the world and listen to the music and just breathe in the atmosphere.

It was all worth it for my personal closure as well!

Would I do it all again?  Maybe not tomorrow.  Give me a few years and I might replay and relive the entire experience of Octopath Traveler.  I’m endeared to this world, its characters, its atmosphere... and I know it’ll hold a special place in my heart for years to come.  

I know I could’ve only posted this single bit where I was victorious, but I think it was important for me to record my defeats and draws as well, and learn from them.  I try and be honest, in all that I write and do.  Also this was my way of reaching out (and finding I was not alone, while assuring others they aren’t by themselves in this either.)

My concluding the game is not my farewell to its fandom of course, but yet another fond greeting!  A hero’s return!

I do want to thank all of you who have followed my posts from the very beginning, or even those just tuning in now.  Your feedback, encouragement and patience helped me greatly in my efforts.  I don’t think I could’ve done this without our little community here on Tumblr.

I will be ever-present in the fanon space now, having finally settled this score!

Until next time, walk on, Travelers!

[maddiviner]

Could studyblogging jumpstart your personal grimoire?

A witch should be a lifelong learner. To practice effective magic, you must grow in new directions at a constant pace. A witch should approach magic with a sense of devotion to their own growth.

I’ve practiced magic and divination for two decades now. The most solid advice I can give? Start journaling. Start keeping a notebook. Start studying.

Witches who keep a notebook record their research and ideas about the Craft. This helps them build a wide repository of knowledge, right there when they need it.

The format and content of my notebooks changed a lot over the years. But they all helped me become the witch I am today. I devoted the bulk of these notebooks to my journey in magic, techniques to try, and lessons learned.

There are few people who haven’t studied. In school, we pore over geometry and classic literature in hot pursuit of elusive high marks. We spent time learning about our interests. Whether that’s witchcraft, philosophy, or astronomy, notes are helpful.

Everyone learns in a different fashion. Still, studying and learning about the world remains with us from our first breath, to the last. My Craft took leaps forward when this dawned on me. I’d always enjoyed school. I realized that I could apply the same study techniques to witchcraft and the occult. 

What’s studyblogging?!

As a regular user of both Tumblr and Instagram, I soon came across the studyblogging trend. 

Caitlyn Tiffany of The Verge describes the studyblogging phenomenon as “a beautiful, stressful wonderland.” An apt description! But what is a studyblog? 

Studyblogging hashtags like #studyblr and #studygram  are popular (on Tumblr and Instagram, respectively).  

For someone just coming across the phenomenon, though? It can be difficult to penetrate this strange world. Expect calligraphic chaos, a plethora of highlighters, and fine-tuned aesthetics. 

Studyblogging focuses on the quest for knowledge. In practice, studyblogs share tips and handwritten notes on various subjects. Studybloggers encourage each other to be the best learners they can be. 

The photos of notes, assignments, and other tasks make up the bulk of the phenomenon. Studyblogs often feature photos of elaborate calligraphy and heavy illustration in note form.

Expect to see self-made diagrams of mitochondria. Essay outlines on postcolonial theory with nigh-perfect bubble lettering. Vast, illustrated mind-maps of Shakespearean themes. It's a big community, and there's room for a lot. Room for witches? I think so!

Studyblogging for Witches

In witchcraft, our grimoires function much like a non-magical student's study notes. The content, and some of the form, may differ, but the principles are the same.

The quest for an aesthetically-pleasing grimoire stymies many a beginner (and not-so-beginner) witch. The wise remind us that our grimoires needn’t be complex. Functionality is more important than aesthetics in most cases. 

That said, there is something worthwhile about keeping a grimoire that suits you. A  grimoire can speak to your soul, both by way of aesthetic appeal and your own abilities. For some of us, this might mean a lavishly-illustrated tome. Others might find minimalist styles more resonating. It varies.

The truth is that yes, your grimoire needn’t look a certain way or be perfect. Still, a level of aesthetic appeal can help with information retention. It can also boost your magical productivity. Humans respond in an intuitive fashion to that which they consider beautiful.

Aesthetics can help to put you into a liminal state. Liminality can be a powerful tool in self-improvement. This, in turn, is useful not only for normal studying, but also for the Craft itself. 

If you see art as part of your life path, you might find that approaching your grimoire as a work of art helpful. Part of this means realizing that it won’t be perfect, but also always striving to learn and grow.

Studyblogging, as a community, showcases a lot of excellent notebook and journal-keeping techniques. Studybloggers often provide tutorials and guides to effective learning methods. 

This is, of course, all while celebrating the joy of learning itself. Traditional studying methods can apply to magical topics. I have found that the techniques of the studyblogger can help with keeping a useful grimoire.

Ask your intuition if studyblogging is right for you!

Will studyblogging help you? For some students, lurking or keeping a studyblog inspires and motivates them. It also increases accountability. By posting their goals and progress, studybloggers have an impetus to progress. 

In a way, it’s a bit like livestreaming a video game - it makes the experience more challenging, and also more exciting. The difference, of course, is that, in this case, your game is learning!

And the notes? Many find the calligraphy, fancy scripts, and illustration soothing. It can be a way of making otherwise impenetrable subjects more captivating.

Without a doubt, aesthetic presentation improves information retention for some people. Humans have a positive response to beautiful imagery. 

Some folks find the gorgeous landscape of studygram and studyblr overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. Gorgeous calligraphy notes, after all, aren't easy for most people. 

For some, posting about your studies on a blog might only increase worry. We're all different, and studyblog techniques are hardly universal in form.

You should use your intuition to decide whether to dip into this community. Ask yourself whether an audience will help your quest for deeper knowledge. 

Will you feel empowered, or nervous about it? If you struggle with comparing yourself to others, you might find studyblogging discouraging. 

I myself am somewhat of a perfectionist. For me, though, the artistic aspects of note taking and information illustration soothe me. Studyblogging suits me, but will it help you?

You should tailor your learning experience to your own strengths. If that means studyblogging won’t help you, be honest with yourself and don’t chase the anxiety of it all. Find another method of learning. 

Browse some existing studyblogs - I recommend EmmaStudies and StudyQuill. Ask yourself how it makes you feel. Do the images and writing seems inspirational? 

Would you enjoy sharing your work with the world? Studyblogging might become an ally on your magical path!

Taking the Plunge

So, how do you start a studyblog? How do you get involved in the community?

The most popular studyblogging platforms are Instagram and Tumblr. Instagram lends itself to posting tons of pictures and very short-form posts. Tumblr favors longer prose. 

When I started studyblogging, I created both a studyblr and a studygram. I recommend starting a new account on the site of your preference for studyblogging.  

Follow some existing studybloggers as a way of introducing yourself to the community! Also, follow the hashtags #studyblr and #studygram, to start.

What to study?

Studyblogging features students focused on all kinds of topics. I’ve been studyblogging for over a year. In case you’re wondering, it's rare for someone to complain about my witchy take on studyblogging. 

You’ll find the studyblogging community very welcoming in most cases. But what will you study? I always recommend witches focus on only one or two things they’d most like to learn at a time.

Studyblogging lends itself well to in-depth topical research. This can mean learning the signs and language of astrology or the basics of gemstone magic.

Topics like shadow work or personal Tarot readings might be a bit too personal to blog about. Those might be better suited to normal, private journaling rather than a blog. My own studyblogging tends to focus on my writing preparation, astrology, and Tarot. 

Though I’ve been reading for over twenty years, there is always something new to learn about Tarot. Astrology, like Tarot, is a lifelong discipline. Though I’ve only recently made my first steps into it, there is much to learn. My writing, especially the book I’m working on, has its own notebook.

Possible topics include, but are in no way limited to:

Crystals and gemstones

Astrology

Spellcraft

Mythology and legends

Magical history

Energy work techniques

Seasonal and Lunar cycles

Herbology

Tarot, Lenormand, or oracle deck divination!

It is important to choose topics that interest you in a personal way. At the same time, try not to get distracted. Witchcraft includes many paths of study. Try not to jump from topic to topic - finish what you start!

Supplies

If you’re in school, you may already have a lot of the tools necessary for studying. If not, you can get them for an affordable price in most cases.

Paper matters!  You'll want a notebook or loose leaf binder paper. For hardbound notebooks, you can’t go wrong with a Leuchtturm 1917.  That popular notebook boasts dot grid paper, includes page numbers and a place for an index. 

Seeking something more aesthetic? Check out the Paperblanks series from Peter Pauper Press. You might also like the notebooks you can order from Citrus Bookbindery. For me, a binder (I use A5 size) works best, because I can add and remove pages as necessary. 

You can find some great guides out there about organizing grimoires. Much of that advice applies here. Your notebooks will soon fill the role of a grimoire.  They will contain your notes, research, and more.

It is usually best to have one notebook (or binder) for each subject you’re studying. As you move forward, you’ll have a collection of grimoire notebooks on different topics.

You’ll also need pens or pencils. Really, you only need one. If you feel like getting fancy, you can get multicolored fineliners. I prefer Sakura Micron pens. They use waterproof micropigments that don't bleed when you highlight over your writing.

Highlighters are fun! These add color to your notes and help emphasize the important things. If you want nice highlighters, I recommend Mildliners. Any highlighters will do, though - choose colors that appeal to you. I recommend several different colors, because that allows you to color-code your notes.

Plan!

Plan out, at least in a rough fashion, how you’d like to organize your  notes. This can be rather freeform, or complex, depending on your preference. 

When I began my astrology journey, I knew what sections I would include in my stars grimoire. I also created a rough map of the path I’d take in my research. 

I began with the simple Zodiac signs. I then moved forward through the planets, houses, aspects and transits. My organization, loose though it was, benefited from my use of a binder which allowed me to add and remove pages. 

No matter the notebook, it is important to have, somewhere, a rough idea of where you’re going.

You will also find it important to set attainable, realistic, and measurable goals. For me, this was things like memorizing the astrological house system. I set the goal of reading my astrology textbooks completely and summarizing them. This kind of goal leads to personal accountability.

I also created a set of astrological flashcards for my Tarot-related work. It can be motivational to post your goals on your studyblog in some form. Then, you can provide your followers with regular updates on your progress.

Start posting!

Once you feel ready, go ahead and introduce yourself to the studyblogging community! An introductory post, explaining who you are, your goals, and methods, will help others get to know you. 

I recommend tagging your posts with studyblogging hashtags (mentioned above). Also include some witchcraft-related tags! This will help you connect with other witches who might be helpful on your journey.

Don’t be shy when it comes to posting photographs (taken with a phone or other camera) of your notes! You might not feel that your notes are as neat or pretty as other bloggers. Regardless, they’re unique and might resonate with others!

If you’re taking notes about a very personal topic, like shadow work, you might want to forgo the pictures. Some bloggers obfuscate or blur potentially sensitive parts of their notes. You’ll likely find nothing but encouragement for sharing your research topics, though!

Some studybloggers will also photograph their study space. Some of us even use photos of fun things like their breakfast or pets to illustrate their updates. If pictures don’t suit you, post regular bits about your life and your progress towards your goals. 

Get to know other bloggers! This is important, whether they’re witches or from the studyblogging community. Both can be helpful! 

Watch or read some of the tutorials you’ll find in the studyblogging community. These focus on things like calligraphy, organization, and memory techniques. 

While your notes needn’t have fancy headings, calligraphy can be fun to learn. I don’t currently use calligraphy in my notes, but am learning it on the side, so to speak. 

I find it relaxing, and you might enjoy it too. If not, don't feel bad - not everyone uses fancy handwriting, and that's okay!

Moving Forward

If, after a few weeks, you find yourself really vibing with studyblogging, stick with it! Most witches would agree that there’s no real wrong way to be a witch. To me, though, there are wrong (and right) ways for you yourself to learn and grow in your craft. 

You need to find what works for you, what adheres to your soul and keeps you connected. If studyblogging ends up helping you, and I hope it will, keep going! 

After a while you might find yourself ready to move onto another topic. We all end up “graduating” forward onto other subjects. You’ll quickly find that your grimoires will be an invaluable record. 

They will contain not just your gathered information, but also your intuition, insight, and more. Cherish your notebooks - they will come to reflect your essence!

[sarita-daniele]

On Fanfiction and Original Fiction

I have a lot of feelings about the Tumblr debates surrounding fanfiction vs. “real writing” and am going to try to engage with them in the most productive/positive way possible, hopefully in a way that holds space for writers of all backgrounds and ability levels.  

A note on my background, for context: I’m a professional published writer and writing educator. I hold an MFA from one of the top ranked MFA programs in the country. In the six years since completing my degree, I’ve been published in journals, anthologies, won literary awards and fellowships, been solicited by agents and presses for upcoming manuscripts, and have my first book coming out next year. My career has unfolded within the literary establishment, and I’m familiar with both its merits and its bullshit. I’m also a successful writer (of poetry, literary fiction, and speculative fiction) who gained many of my first, lifelong writing tools through fanfiction.

I’ve spent a lot of time processing the elitism, classism, and racism that writers (including Latinx writers like myself) face in the MFA world and in the publishing world. I’m working in a literary tradition that uplifts white male American minimalism as a style all writers should value and work towards. A literary tradition that discounts story structures that come from oral tradition, and discounts popular and genre fiction without considering why people connect with those stories. There are so many ways in which writers use their privilege and education to put each other down, and I think that this discussion engages some of these inequities even if it doesn’t come from that place.  

As an educator, I’ve taught in a range of literary spaces. I’ve taught at my top-ranked university, where most of my students were financially privileged and had years of access to elite education. I’ve taught in inclusive nonprofit spaces with writers of all ages and backgrounds. I’ve taught in community spaces, writing poems and stories with homeless youth who dropped out of school, whose imaginations and ability to tell their own stories was no less than the young people who had more linguistic tools. A recent class I taught for my nonprofit was called “From Fanfiction to Fan-worthy Fiction”. In this class, I worked with teen fanfic writers to examine craft differences between fanfiction and original fiction. We talked about the tools they gained from fanfiction: writing genuine character moments, understanding character archetypes and tropes, asking “what if” questions and filling gaps in representation, writing toward an audience, developing a consistent writing practice, and learning to write toward the units of scenes and chapters. We also discussed the pitfalls they might discover as they transitioned to original fiction: original world-building, developing complex and nuanced character backstories, finding the right starting place, understanding story structure and pacing, breaking away from fandom inspiration, and editing and polishing.

Within the class, we talked about how, if we only read fanfic, our understanding of storytelling will be limited to what works in fanfic. There’s a world of story out there, and if we want to write original stuff, novels and short stories and poetry will help us gain the tools we need. This is what I think post “read real books” was getting at, but in a world where young people have their attention so divided by media and technology, I try to celebrate any reading my students are doing. If students tell me what kind of fanfics they love, what kinds of tv shows and videos games and stories they love, I recommend books they might also love. I had the privilege of growing up in a household where my love of books was fostered. This isn’t true for all writers. Some of my most successful writer friends and most talented students didn’t grow up in spaces where reading was valued or encouraged. I react against “read real books” because the phrase contains a certain privilege, as if people aren’t reading “real books” out of laziness or lack of ambition, or because they’re in a fanfiction bubble. It implies that consuming story outside of books isn’t “real”. Some of my students have felt intimidated by novels but welcomed by fanfiction. It isn’t a matter of yelling at them and telling them they’re doing something wrong—it’s a matter of helping them see that they can locate their love of story and character in books, then providing access points.  

I wouldn’t be a professional writer if not for fanfiction. There are successful writers who have written fanfic and see it as separate from the development of their original work, which is great. But for me, who grew up with no writing community, with little access to creative writing education, and no place to geek out over the books I loved, fanfiction was an incredibly valuable training ground.

The heart of this argument is: who gets to call themselves a “writer”? Who gets to call themselves a “real writer”? What assumptions do we make in the process of assigning those labels? In my opinion, anyone who writes is a writer. My adult student who won literary awards and has her first book of poetry coming out with a major press. My friend who writes for Marvel. My friend who won the Yale Younger Poets Prize and a Lambda Literary Award. My retired adult student who always had a yearning to write but never actually tried it, who took her first class in her sixties. My thirteen-year-old teen student trying to find her way back into the education system, who had no grammatical tools, no education around writing, but wrote songs and raps just for herself. The sixteen-year-old fanfic writer who wrote to me seeking private coaching, who saved up all her money from her first job for those coachings, who didn’t even know what the past tense was and wrote and read only what you’d consider “smutty” anime pairings. All of these people were writing. All were doing the work of writing with the tools they had. All of them had an interest in learning more.

I like to believe that all fanfiction writers are writers, whether they pursue publication or not, whether they write original work or not, whether they develop their tools further or not, whether their writing has value for others or just for their own expression. If those writers want to improve—and we should always be improving, no matter how much we’ve published—then they can learn by reading, they can watch Youtube tutorials, and, if it’s accessible to them, they can pursue education in literary spaces. There are books that earn praise within the literary establishment that leave me cold. There are fanfics that ignite my emotion. There are lauded books that have forever changed me as a person and obscure books that have changed me equally. If you feel that writing is part of who you are, and it’s something you practice often, then you’re a writer, no matter what skill stage you’re at. I hope that claiming that title for yourself empowers you to develop your writing, using whatever tools you have available.

And if you want to take classes with me or other awesome writers from anywhere in the world, with lots of free sessions and scholarship opportunities, check out GrubStreet!

[mrsluthordanvers]

This may seem like a really random question but has writing and reading femslash helped you come into your sexual and/or gender identities? I've been in the Supergirl fandom and other primarily f/f fandoms for quite some time and this is something that I've been wondering about recently.

Yes!!

This got really long, and really rambly, and probably tells more about my experience with fandom then you needed to know to answer this question. But here it is lol

I grew up in a relatively conservative and catholic family with limited access to media both bc of this and bc my family was low income. I remember as a little kid we only had a couple channels and when we did get cable when I was older, my parents would stop pay for it during summer months because they wanted us to go outside.

The only gay media I remember ever seeing growing up in my parents house was Imagine Me & You. I caught it once on TV and I have vivid memories of realizing what I was watching and sitting on the edge of the couch paranoid that my parents would come downstairs and catch me watching it. I remember setting up the remote so that when I hit the quick back button it would take me back to some cartoon channel. And glee. Which I was surprisingly actually allowed to watch. I was always waiting for it to get turned off but it never was.

Both my parents were very big on encouraging reading. When we asked for books, it was almost the only time I don’t remember being told no. I remember I spent tons of time in libraries as a kid and it was one of the only places I was allowed to go after school by myself when I was in junior high. And I loved to write, my mom was always asking her to tell me stories and I was always writing in journals.

Basically what I’m saying is that I really did Not have exposure to the gay community. And looking back it seems really natural that I started reading and writing femslash.

It took me a long time to get into though, and to seek out. Instead I was sneaking Nora Roberts books out of the library at grade 7 because they had sex in them. Sex, I thought, that was safe/healthy/whatever because these were the books my sister was reading. Plus my mom said they were too mature for me, and what’s a better motivator then being told no. I didn’t find famslash until very late into high school bc it never even occur to me that I could be reading cheesy romances that were f/f instead.

My first experience actually reading femslash was Rizzles fics on ff.net. I honestly have no idea how I found it bc at the time I couldn’t have told you what fandom was, or that tumblr existed. The only thing I remember knowing about fanfic was that if you said you read fanfic people assumed you were reading about weird sex about characters and would laugh at you. Honestly I might have only found fanfics bc glee was really big at the same time and I was probably hearing people talk about ships and fanfic even if I don’t remember it now. Either way I found it lol. And I read A Lot of rizzoli and isles fics.

And it helped. Towards the end of high school was when it really started to dawn on me that I might like girls and I didn’t have words for it, I didn’t know there was a community, and there certainly wasn’t people I was willing to ask.

Reading femslash was like opening a door. Suddenly I was being introduced to the same kind of cheesy romance writing I was already reading. I was being introduced to the idea of two women going on dates. Having healthy relationships. Having unhealthy relationships. Soft sex. Rough sex. Falling in love. Getting married. Having kids. And it really started to solidify that I liked women.

Up until that point the idea of being gay scared the fuck out of me bc what I knew was so limited, to me being gay = being alone. It meant I wasn’t allowed to have any of those things and I really resisted that.

Reading femslash was a big part of changing that perspective. It made me comfortable enough to tell a girl at 19 I had a crush on her. It helped me feel like it was okay to tell people I wasn’t straight when I went to university. It prompted me to search out more gay media when I went to university. I started to watch glee again. I watched DEBS, and Imagine Me and You, and Saving Face, and Gray Matters, and Bloomington, and Kissing Jessica Stein, and Loving Annabelle. Basically I went through the LGBT section of Netflix in a year. 

A friend introduced me to tumblr and told me there was a big gay community. I followed some cool people and aesthetic blogs but honestly I still wasn’t quite finding it.

Then I watched The 100 while it was in season 2 in my last year of university. Completely unaware of Clarke and Lexa. I became obsessed lol. They kissed on screen and it was like a switch went off. I don’t know why it was that show instead of anything else I had been watching that spurred me on. But it did. I started looking up accounts on tumblr and following people and reading so so so much fanfic. I had started to find that vast community on tumblr my friend mentioned and started sending people asks and saw people actually answering asks, and posting their art and their writing. It encouraged me to try writing again, and ask a couple people if they would read stuff I posted.

And then supergirl came out and I was soooo excited for it that I started to try mimicking accounts I saw in the clexa fandom. I figured out how to make gifsets, and I liveblogged, and my friend told me to make a side fandom blog or she’d unfollow me lmao. Which I also didn’t know people did. I started this blog just before season 2 happened and it made for the perfect storm. I already had a small following, I was making content (even if it wasn’t great), and Lena got introduced. And suddenly I REALLY discovered how vast the gay community is bc it was suddenly knocking at my door. It was also a big BIG learning curve.

I was reading people’s fanfics and looking at their fanart. I was seeing depictions of different sexualities. And how two characters can be interpreted in such vastly different ways. I was being shown perspectives I hadn’t seen before, some that made me stop and go. Oh. It helped me identify my first label, and then also taught me labels can change, and mine did. I wasn’t just reading fics about two women in a relationship, I was opening fics and seeing me. I saw a piece of fanart of Butch Kara and thought, she looks like me. And then I started to see people writing about butch Kara and commenting about butch Kara and it wasn’t just, she looks like me. It became she looks like me, and that is desirable. And that gave me confidence. I stopped shaving, my wardrobe has started to change, I started buying things I wanted to wear not that I thought I should wear. I learned I wanted people to see me and think I was handsome or attractive before they thought I pretty or cute lol

Writing femslash has a different kind of self reflection. I like to think I have started to notice when I project things on to characters, and think about why those things are important to me. Or why I get defensive over certain headcanons. All things that have made me step back and look at my own sexuality and gender identity. Which honestly I’m still figuring out and is still changing, but I’ve learned that’s okay too (fanfic has also normalized that for me lol)

Art is meant to make you feel things, think about things. I don’t think fanfic or fanart is any different. Sometimes it is just meant to make you feel you horny and sometimes it makes you reflect on whether or not you might be butch. Personally I think it’s very cool that it’s so powerful

[its-bianca]

Why to keep a journal in 2020 🖋✨

Whether it’s an art journal, audio, text based, I think we all need to take some time to get our thoughts out of the jumbled pink blob that is our brain.

get your thoughts out - It’s hard to keep all your thoughts in your head. I used to think that I could just think everything out in my head, but eventually I learned that putting them down, having a physical manifestation of my thoughts actually helped to rationalize my thought process more clearly.

learn things about yourself - Like therapy, writing down your thoughts often helps you wonder why you think that way and go deeper into your reflections, especially when you aren’t cycling the same thoughts over and over again in your head. By getting your thoughts out, you’re making space for new thoughts in. In a weird way, journaling has actually made me realize why I’ve been so upset with my family, why I hate certain places, and why I’m so stressed out all the time.

understand your thought process - Also like therapy, you realize your thought process with how and why you got there. Are you falling into logical fallacies? Are your thoughts biased towards a certain perspective? Do you fall for common tropes or stereotypes about other people? Getting these thoughts out might help you realize these missteps in judgement and logic. Being introspective and self-aware goes a long way.

motivation & inspiration - I sometimes get inspired or motivated to do work, because I (a) Write down reasons why I’m proud of myself and the little things I’ve accomplished that day which motivates me to do more work, or (b) Write down why I’m so stressed and pile of work I have to do which makes me realize that it actually isn’t that bad and motivates me to actually complete it. Things get less overwhelming when it’s not constantly jumping around in your head like a broken blender.

me time - We’re so invested in trying to understand and get to know the personal lives of other people, yet sometimes we need to take a moment for ourselves, especially after a long day. It really doesn’t take that long - just 10 minutes of thinking about yourself and your thoughts can go a long way.

be a better writer (or artist!) - This depends on the type of journal you’re going for and how you’re getting your thoughts out, but writing a journal could help you hone in on those skills. Writing or speaking aloud our thoughts can improve how your articulate your thoughts, especially if you’re like me and aren’t good with translating the jumbled mess in your head into understandable words. Drawing or writing poetry to express your thoughts could improve your skills in representing what you mean through imagery and more abstract symbolism. Journaling actually helped me a lot, because when I was younger, I got nervous to speak up in class because I didn’t know how to articulate my thoughts well; it might make essay writing go faster!

be in a coming of age movie - romanticize your process (healthily!). Sitting down with a journal, a cup of tea, and your favorite writing or drawing utensil sounds so romantic and cozy. Fit in with the tumblr studyblr aesthetic and post pictures if that encourages you.

So how do I start?

First, find out how you want to journal! I prefer physical notebooks, because I spend so much time on my laptop already, and I just like the feeling of being able to unplug and actually write something (also makes for more aesthetic pics...). I write in long-form, hardly any paragraph breaks, hardly any doodles, and not really planned or anything. I use a pen so I can’t go back and erase anything that I feel sounds bad or clunky or fix my grammar, because I don’t want to fixate on trivial details when I really want to just jot everything in my head. I find words work best for me, because that’s just how I best express myself. 

Next...it’s up to you now! I started getting into the habit by just committing myself to write something everyday, even if it was just half a page. It took many tries over some months to really nail it down, but once I started, it really took off from there. After about 1-2 months of almost daily journaling, I started cutting back a little. Yet, I hardly ever go for more than a month of not checking in and writing something down. Nowadays, it’s more like once a week or every couple days. I find that I journal when I’m feeling the most down, because it motivates me to pick myself up and do something.

Some extra tips: 

(a) If it helps, schedule a time with yourself to journal. Even just having a 15 minute chunk in your Google Calendar could help you to stay committed to it.

(b) Don’t feel pressure to write about any certain topic. It’s not an essay draft book, it doesn’t have to be a diary, it doesn’t have to be anything. I might draw or create a bullet journal-like spread in my writing journal, or I might not. It all depends on how I feel that day. Don’t feel like it has to be a diary where you have to write about everything that happened that day, or don’t think every thought has to be well articulated.

(c) Just have fun with it! Toy with a project idea, pour your soul out, get your thoughts on all every item on your to do list and how much you hate/love it. Just do whatever! There are no rules.

idk how to end this post so OK NOW GO! 

Another post on the different types of journals & notebooks

[finalfantasyxivwritings]

Wondrous Tails of Final Fantasy XIV:

In Final Fantasy XIV, there is an activity called ‘Wondrous Tails’ given to you by a young Miqo’te named Khloe Aliapoh in Idyllshire. The purpose of the weekly activity is to document your adventures and stories so that she can recount them to others. This is done in a fashion similar to bingo, completing various duties to get stickers and complete lines in which you can trade for various goodies.

In much the same way, I am interested in hosting an event of similar nature to encourage fans far and wide to tell their own stories--stories of their OCs and self-inserts in the context of shipping them with canon characters or other OCs!

Like the journal given to you for the in-game Wondrous Tails, the event would primarily revolve around filling out prompts within a bingo-like sheet to complete as many lines possible. For every completed line, participants will gain an entry into a raffle to take place at the end of the event. There would be a total of five people picked to win, and prizes will include things of my own donation (a small ficlet and mog station items) as well as any further donated prizes from other generous creators.

The tentative start date for this event will be Saturday, March 7th at 12:00 a.m. CST, and will last for one full month to allow everyone the most time to fill up their bingo sheets (Tuesday, April 7th at 12:00 a.m. CST).

Until the start of the event, I am looking for three things: feedback if people would be interested in doing this at all, prize donations from those who are willing to offer them, and any extra prompts that you guys would like to see included as possibilities for the bingo cards. You can find the links for everything below, as well as a more detailed explanation of how the event will be run.

Prize Donation Form | Prompt Submission | Google Sheet Template

The blog for the event can be found at @wondroustailsofffxiv​!

Please let me know if anyone has questions, comments, or pointers--this would be the first fandom event I’ve ever held, and I want this to be something fun and encouraging for more OC/selfinsert and canon shipping content in the fandom!

Event Rules and Information:

Each person who is interested in participating will generate and follow their own NSFW and/or SFW bingo sheet.

[The links to generate your own bingo sheet/s will be posted here when the event begins.]

Once a bingo sheet has been generated, you can use whatever means you prefer to keep track of your ongoing fills and entries. This can be a Tumblr post, a spreadsheet, anything that allows you to keep track of everything.

A google sheets template is available for those who would like to use it to keep track of their fills.

These fills can be written at any time during the event and posted to any platform (tumblr, ao3, etc). The only requirement is that the writing has to be new (written for the Wondrous Tails of FFXIV event), and it’s posted to a place that can be linked for entry validation.

If you don't like your sheet/s, you are welcome to either re-generate them or pick from the prompt masterlist of either category to replace prompts you don't like or are uncomfortable writing. There is no limit to how many prompts you can replace in this way.

[The links to the master prompt lists will be posted here when the event begins.]

While there is no minimum nor maximum word count required, a single fill can only count for up to two prompts on the bingo sheet.

All participants wishing for their entries to be counted towards the final raffle will need to submit their bingo sheet/s (linked to all fills) to this google form.

Each complete line of five prompts earns one entry into the final raffle prize, and the maximum number of entries one can have is 24 (or 12 per category/sheet).

[thenuanceddebater]

Personal Post: Why I Disappear

Alright. This has been a long time coming. This might be one of the most open, personal, etc. posts that I’ve made on this blog. I’m not going to hide anything (save for some identifying details), and I’m going to go through messy stuff like emotions and whatnot. So, I’m putting it under a read more. Please do not think that you need to read this if you don’t want to. 

When I first started this blog, I was in undergrad and almost failing out. I had some family issues going on with my grandfather (who is now deceased due to what I could charitably call medical malpractice to the point where it helped change a national procedural standard), and I was hurting. I didn’t have many (or really any) friends, and I needed something to vent to. I made an account to shout into the void – to post long content that wouldn’t ever really get popular or any traction whatsoever for my own benefit. I needed a place where I could yell at people and feel smart. I really didn’t think anything would ever happen, or that I’d even get like... 50 followers.  And then my content it kind of... did take off to  a degree. 

I wasn’t really prepared for that, but at the time it was really fun. I’ve got a bit of an obssessive/ addictive personality, and tumblr became an addiction. At first, that was okay. I was involved in the culture-war discourse, but not really taking it any more seriously than I took other things. I had a summer internship during summer 2016 where I would make tumblr posts when I didn’t have enough work to do, and enjoyed talking to some of the friends I made on this platform. Then it got bad. I started disagreeing with people on “my side,” the 2016 election happened and I felt isolated from the left and the right, and the alt-right started to become a real thing on this website. 

Charlottesville is what finally killed it for me. I saw so many people I had at least some respect for trotting out positions that were not only wrong, but odiously wrong. I had acquaintances, classmates, good friends who were affected there. Who were on the ground when it happened. And I know a lot more about Charlottesville than most people on this website. I got sick and tired of having to defend myself, of having people who didn’t know what they were talking about speak back on issues that they did not fully understand. At that point, tumblr became toxic for me. And it’s never really come back. It just took me a while to realize it. 

I deleted the tumblr app from my phone in fall 2017, and it’s never come back. I took what was originally intended to be a 3 month sabbatical from tumblr, and then realized that I didn’t want it back in my life. It had kind of... fulfilled its purpose, and I was on to new things. I got a job, and started studying for law school. Then I got into law school. Tumblr was the last place I made that announcement. I used the fact that I had “gotten busy” as an excuse, but that’s not fully accurate. Yes, I was and am very busy. But if I really wanted to, I could make time to post. Maybe not the pages, upon pages, upon PAGES that I used to. But something. What it really was is that I no longer wanted to. The way this website works, at least on the political side, pushed me away. 

Alright, now a MAJOR confession time. I have a lot of anxiety. As in, diagnosed “I went to therapy for a year to help deal with it” anxiety. I’m not in therapy anymore, and I cope with it pretty well (especially compared to some people I know and have a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for). I’m privileged in that regard. So many people have it worse. But, there are still certain things that trigger an immediate strong anxiety response. One of them is seeing that I have notes that aren’t just reblogs or likes. For some reason, when I see a number above that little lightning bolt (or when I saw the activity tracker go crazy on older tumblr) it just makes my heart start pounding. It’s not that I think I might be wrong. I still welcome correction and critique of my opinions. It’s not that I don’t want people to reblog my stuff, or comment on it. That’s (1) not my choice and (2) absolutely silly. 

It’s more that I’m anxious about how the response is going to make me feel. Some of the angriest I’ve been in recent memory is reading tumblr posts. The angriest I’ve been since the whole... grandfather who was like a father to me died due to medical malpractice thing was when I read a response to a post I made about genocide. The second angriest is when I read a response to a post about Charlottesville. The angriest I’ve been in recent memory is when I read that post that brought me back to the website where people were encouraging others to resist unlawful arrest and citing to a case that was outdated. 

I’m not an angry person. I don’t like annoying myself like that. But for some reason, I just can’t help myself sometimes. The number of times I’ve been annoyed enough to want to respond to something in recent memory is... quite high. Sure, there are times where I come back just because I want to check my messages, see something positive, or a question and then am inspired to write something. But that’s not what it usually is. Not really. It’s usually the educator/ elitist in me who wants to correct something that he sees as wrong. And when that thing is dangerously wrong or disingenuously wrong, well that creates some emotions considering that I like to believe that people operate in good-faith and this website really stretches that belief sometimes. And sometimes I can deal with that, and sometimes it really, really bothers me. 

I’ve also discovered that I really don’t get very much from tumblr. I used to use it as shouting to the void, and as an activity I could do other than just playing video games and procrastinating on my school work. Well, I do a lot of things now. I have a lot of friends now, and more school work and obligations to student organizations, law journals, my summer internships, etc. I used to use tumblr as a way to feel like I was smart. To feel like I mattered and that I could do great things. I have other ways of doing that, as well as a lot more internal self-esteem and external validation of that self-esteem. Back when I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I was a bad person. Now, I know I’m not, and am in fact a pretty good person. Back when I made my tumblr, I had no outlet for the intellectual energy other than my long-term girlfriend and school work. Now, I have so many outlets for that energy, that it’s honestly mindboggling. Oh, and I still have that same now very-long-term girlfriend (just in case anyone was curious. Our ten year anniversary is next year. I’m 25. I’ve been dating this woman for almost 40% of my life. And she’s honestly fucking amazing, brilliant, and I’m so damn lucky to have her.). It’s not like I’m starved for interaction or avenues to pursue anymore. When I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I’d fucked my life up to such a degree that I was never really going to be able to un-fuck it. Now, I’ve shown myself that I was wrong. I was really, really wrong. About a lot of things, but especially that. I’m not the same person as when I made my tumblr. Not at all. And that’s a really good thing. 

But when I go and look at some other people, some other blogs that I used to follow/ still follow (I’m not going to name names), I don’t see that kind of change. I see that they are still the same (or very similar) people. It’s been years. They’re talking about the same things, using the same words, etc. That’s... crazy to me. When I logged on to tumblr this fall and I saw that fucking Charlottesville was somehow still a debate topic, I just about lost it. There’s a post I made that accurately summarizes some of the emotions I felt, but really a lot of it was that this website is Neverland. If you stay here, you likely never grow up. All that happens is that the Wendys, Johns, and Michaels decide that they want to grow-up, and leave to go and do so. So, all that’s left are the Peter Pans and Captain Hooks engaged in constant warfare about the same things for weeks, months, years. And when a Wendy, John, or Michael decides to come back well. Neverland is still the same. Welcoming them back to the same fight that they remember from years ago – from when they were a different person. I don’t know why, but that’s just so damn sad to me. There’s a reason why my old bio said “just a human striving endlessly for the perfection that he can never hope to attain.” Because that’s what I do. And tumblr has kind of an... anathema to that and is antithetical to the concept. 

So, tumblr gives me little to nothing, pisses me off, and its never-changing or evolving nature makes me sad and goes against my very being. So, why come back at all? That’s... a damn good question. Not really sure that I can answer it. I suppose the answer has to be that there’s no good reason to come back, but that I will likely continue to do so anyway. Call me a masochist if you must, but sometimes there’s something that I want to share (or that I think the people who SOMEHOW still follow this dead-ass blog should know), or an idea that I think is useful, or I just so happen to type a “t” on my keyboard and tumblr gets pulled-up and I see something and decide to post on it, etc. and I come back. VERY temporarily. Only until I’m pulled away or driven away again. I think that’ll probably keep happening. At least to some degree. 

Will I ever come “back” like I was in undergrad or the summer before I got my job? I don’t know. Signs point to “no,” but I’ve been wrong before. I’ve been oh so very wrong before. And maybe I’m wrong about what tumblr gives me. Maybe I can have a healthy relationship with this website to the point where the reblogs don’t give me anxiety, and I’m not either sad or angry (to some degree) when I make a response. But right now, I really doubt it. And I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone, but that’s just where I am right now. 

So yeah. I think that’s it. I’ll be around temporarily right now (my internship has really good hours, and I’ve got time in the evenings before I game with friends and talk to my girlfriend to take a look at some things). But come the end of August, I’ll likely be gone again. Maybe even before that. I’m not going to close this blog (because I’ll likely be back again), but content or opinions are never going to be consistent. 

If anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me, send an ask, etc. Seeing as I’ve basically dumped a lot of stuff at once (and broken some of the wall separating “TND” from me as a person) I’m down to answer pretty much anything. 

[eirenical]

Because tumblr is TERRIBLE about copying and pasting spreadsheets... going to crack open the old journal for this one.  ;D  Every year since 2011, I have done a year end word count meme.  (Well... every year except 2013, but I JUST RETROACTIVELY FIXED THAT, so it doesn’t count anymore.  ;D  If you’d like to see that one, it’s the next post down in the year end word count tag.  ^_~  And, yes, I know we still have two days left, and I’ll be honest, I DO intend to spend at least part of them writing, but I’ll update the spreadsheet if I do that.  ...because I’m a NERD and I love spreadsheets. ^_^) 

I’m particularly excited this year because for the first time in a long time (like... 7 years), I have a pretty respectable word count this year!  :D  Who knew that this clusterfuck of a year would be the year that got me writing again? XD ...then again, I'm not wasting all my energy on commuting to work and dealing with BEING at work and I'm free to use my downtime at home however I choose. Combine that with finally falling into a new muse fandom? It was a match made in quarantine hell. ;D Even though I've sort of moved on to other fandoms at this point, I really have to thank The Untamed for being that muse. It was exactly the fandom I needed at exactly the time I needed it, and I made some amazing friends who were very encouraging, too. I'm still kind of... half-in the fandom, and I have some other stories that I would really like to finish for it (check the WiPs! I HAVE started the next fic in the Legacies series!), so I haven't left it entirely, but that's the fandom that got me going again and it will forever have a special place in my heart. So, have fun browsing the spreadsheet, and if there are any WiPs or tumblr ficlets which strike your fancy that you’d like to see more of, then please, by all means, let me know! ^_^  (As I’ve proven time and again, I am HIGHLY suggestible.  ;D)

[lovelybrittxo]

where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

[severalspoons]

Long Rambling Trigun Meta Discussion 2

I *hate* the reply function in Tumblr. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t function. It doesn’t even open up a findable page so I can respond, and I can’t directly answer the reply. That’s why I reblog.

So, here’s the next best thing:

tiggymalvern

I don't recall anything like that fic you mention from either canon. It's a lovely idea, if only I could imagine Vash and Knives stopping arguing with each other for long enough to do it.

This fic I’m remembering was surprisingly hard to find, and now I’m wondering if it’s from FF.net rather than AO3. Will share once I find it!

The twins argue while doing it, IIRC, and have very different approaches. Luckily for the humans, in this fic the engineer likes the plant and takes care of it well, given how little is actually known about how to do so post-crash. Even so, Knives almost kills the engineer, but Vash stops him and leaves behind a little journal full of advice and encouragement. 

IMO, I feel like this is something Vash would be motivated to do more than Knives:

-- to repair his relationship with Knives

-- because he feels responsible for the people Rem saved

-- because he wants the bulb plants to be safe and happy

(listed in the order I thought of them)

But Knives would see this as slight progress towards Vash seeing things his way, so he’d go with it. What do you think?

tiggymalvern

I've never been entirely clear on the manga ending myself, and I think Nightow left it somewhat ambiguous deliberately. Vash and Knives are fighting, and then the earth forces attack them both, Livia intevenes and Vash and Knives fly off and

six months later we find Vash in hiding with the people who saved him, because Knives convinced them to, and then Knives plants an apple tree to help feed the peopl looking after Vash, and then he vanishes...

I assume he chose not to stay with humans and just went off somewhere, but it's left open

Interesting! Yeah, I got the sense it was supposed to be deliberately ambiguous, too. 

Many people say that Knives died giving his last energy to save Vash, to the point where I thought that was canon. 

No matter what happened with Knives and the tree, I have questions. If Knives planted the tree before dying or disappearing or whatever, I’d want to know where he got the apple seeds, and if providing the energy to make that tree survive on Gunsmoke killed him. If he turned into a tree (which I thought was the canon, but maybe not?), how? I can see why you didn’t interpret Knives as turning into a tree.

All I know for sure is, if Knives were dying, he’d want to do it on his own terms. Ideally in a way that would express his point and make an impression on Vash. I was going to say that creating a tree doesn’t seem like Knives’ style, but then I thought about the apple tree scenes in the anime. However that tree came to be, Vash would most likely associate it with happier times on the ship. Maybe he’d be fucked up enough to see it as a gesture of love. 

Maybe it was the closest thing to a gesture of love someone as manipulative and self-absorbed as Knives could manage...

tiggymalvern  Knives really is a person with no middle ground. When he believed Rem's teachings, he believed them wholeheartedly, that everything would turn out fine and people just needed to be given a chance. When he rejected those teachings and decided it was all just rubbish, he went maximum speed to the other extreme. Reject ALL humans, not just the individuals who had proven that they suck. And reject as in eradicate, not just avoid... 

I love Knives’ all-or-nothing way of being. Maybe because I know and love so many people with a little streak of that. And it’s so believable. Reminds me of a quote I read somewhere about how a misanthrope is a disillusioned idealist.

Knives thinks in utilitarian terms (”the greatest good for the greatest number with the least possible sacrifice”) as a kid for the few short scenes before he turns evil. He also seems to think in terms of groups rather than individuals (”humans,” “spiders,” “butterflies”). It saves him the grief Vash goes through at coming to know and lose so many people, but it also helps him justify a racist ideology. I love that about him, actually. If I were to write a Knives redemption fic, a key arc would be helping him learn to see others as individuals. I have a few paragraphs of something like that written...

Kids definitely need wonder and to see the beauty in the world, but it's also a good idea to mention the possibility of weird strangers offering candy that are best avoided. For these bizarre new non-human children, those warnings would have been extra pertinent, and maybe would have reduced the shock of what came after. Knives is definitely more mature than Vash in those flashbacks. Like you say, he wants to discuss issues with Vash, and Vash just parrots Rem. 

Agree.

I have a theory. Earth, in Trigunverse, seems a lot like our world, only worse.

I’ve seen a lot of people’s sense of wonder, beauty, fun, and curiosity squished. I was the weirdo in preschool, among other four year olds, for being too much like that. Maybe on Trigun Earth, a bleak place to begin with, that’s the norm. (And destroying people’s wonder/curiosity/etc. leads to depression and the ennui of modern life, but that’s another essay).

Some people, like those who run Waldorf schools, overreact by going to the opposite extreme. The worst, most ideologically rigid ones, deliberately wait to teach kids to read so they can explore the world unmediated by words a little longer. (And will even discourage kids who learn to read early, grr). Waldorf philosophy assumes young kids are basically sensing, feeling, and imagining beings, rather than thinking ones. 

I get the sense that Rem is one of these sorts. She was squashed and made to feel worthless for the way she saw the world. Maybe that’s part of the reason she was so depressed and needed Alex’s help. She’s raising the twins the way she wished she had been raised.

That sort of parenting wasn’t appropriate for a plant, of course. But no one had raised independent plants to adulthood before. No one knew what was appropriate. No one knew how to teach them about danger (or how not to). 

Growing up as a neurodivergent person in the Dark Ages, the only kid with allergies and sensory processing problems, etc., I understand all too well how badly things can go when even the most loving parents just don���t know what to do, and can’t find helpful information anywhere. Where helpful information isn’t just hard to find, but it doesn’t exist yet. 

So as critical as I’m being of Rem, I sympathize with her. She really didn’t have much to go on but her own knowledge and experience, and she bravely did the best she could.

Vash isn't thinking for himself yet, but he's a kid, so that's allowable. It does make it harder for Knives, though, who feels he has to be responsible for them both. 

You know, Knives does feel responsible for them both, and I hadn’t thought much about it and about the implications of that. No wonder he was so frustrated and furious. There’s definitely a sense of “something is deeply unfair and wrong” for a child trying to raise not only themselves, but their younger sibling(s).  Perhaps that’s part of the reason I saw Knives as caring about Vash, in his toxic, screwed up way. 

Plant biology is MASSIVELY confusing, and the more you try to piece it together, the more your head hurts LOL. But I think that's almost the point? ...Leaving the readers struggling to figure out the plants is the human perspective.

What do you think about the anime being so much from a human pov, especially considering that the most important characters in it are not?

Wolfwood is the support Vash needs to learn to control his plant powers among other things, the powers that have terrified Vash for so long that he ignored them. But Wolfwood isn't scared of them - or rather, he is, but not scared enough to abandon Vash because of them. He knows all about Vash, he knows all about July and the hole in the moon, he's seen Vash transform into some weird crazy thing with feathers, and Wolfwood still stays. Wolfwood lets Vash know that Vash's mistakes can be forgiven, and Vash is still a worthwhile person despite them. And because Wolfwood believes it, Vash can start to believe it. 

Between how well you put this and the dynamic itself, I’m...blown away and don’t know what to say. 

– “Vash, take care of Knives.” This breaks my heart because so far … he hasn’t. First he follows Knives around. Then abandons him. Then attacks him. I really do think Vash was trying. He followed Knives around for so long while being so angry with him for what he'd done, and yes, part of that was because he didn't want to be alone himself, but part of it was him trying to follow Rem's advice. 

Yeah, true, he did try at first. I undervalued it because by the time the series starts, that was far into the past and Vash probably doesn’t even remember it, but still.

In the manga, Rem specifically says, 'Vash, don't leave Knives alone,' because I think she recognises that Knives is prone to extremes and needs a balance. 

See, that instruction makes so much more sense. And I think the plants would have agreed. (Well, of course they would. They’re a collective consciousness, after all).

Rem probably also knew it’s bad for anyone’s health or sanity to be alone, and an emotionally unstable twin plant even more so. Knives would be in a solitary confinement of his own making.

Vash tried and tried to get Knives to change; he spent so much effort trying to explain why genocide wasn't the answer. But Vash failed, and eventually he recognised that he was always going to fail. So he left Knives, because he needed a life that wasn't that failure. He needed to do something to compensate for Knives. He took upon himself the responsibility of not only protecting the humans from Knives, but protecting the humans from the worst in themselves, which Knives' actions brought to the surface. And that is one hell of a lot to take on, and not a recipe for a happy life.

Yeah, that’s...a heroic life, but not a happy one. In a way, it seems almost as doomed as trying to change Knives.