#post ed recovery isnt that bad :)

[pienhime]

this has been on my mind a while (and i think its one of the main reasons the overseas menhera comm is almost dead) but i think that what is "anti recovery" vs what is "pro recovery" vs what is considered those things on social media are very different.

"pro recovery" isnt "dont talk about the ugly side of your illness, dont vent, dont make art thats graphic, and ur not allowed to just exist unless ur constantly every day making the effort for improvement and trying to prove it thru what u post!! and ofc, dont be negative!! uwu medical motifs ONLY in menhera so you dont romanticize", its "do what you need to do to survive the day. use art to cope with your feelings, talk about it, you are allowed to exist and while getting better is a noble goal, its okay to just survive right now".

"anti recovery" isnt just... having a restrictive ED, a self harm addiction, or using drugs, its not "ugh i feel like giving up", its not making fucked up art or talking with others about the more intense of your issues and posting damage reduction. its not making aesthetic textposts to vent out your feelings and urges so you dont actually do the bad thing. it is not anti-recovery to struggle with those things, but it is ableist to shame people who struggle with them. what IS anti-recovery is actively encouraging others to cut deeper, lash out at their loved ones, sending suibait to people, and peddling the idea that making progress in recovery at all makes you less yourself. its okay to vent ab wanting to do those things and feeling those ways, as long as you arent actually encouraging others to do them. but assuming that every coping mechanism people have thats "problematic" makes them a horrible person is anti recovery as hell. we are mentally ill, of course some of us will cope in ways that arent ideal, but its better than nothing.

yet people in mental health spaces somehow have totally changed the meanings of the terms, just like they have with "glorifying" and "demonizing", so that its harder for those of us who struggle with highly stigmatized things to have a place. it almost feels like these "safe spaces" demonize and stigmatize people with EDs, active self harmers, and drug users & addicts more than the outside world sometimes. we are treated like we are somehow problematic for having those symptoms, and as anti-recovery if we dare to talk about them.

and most of all, if you go into mental illness related tags... dont bitch and moan when u see someone acting mentally ill you fucking weirdo

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

Way to post an ana recipe and encourage EDs, so much for your "I'm not pro" and "You deserve recovery" talks. You're just as bad as everyone else who pretends to not be pro.

harm reduction is a thing, babe.

if my little safe food mug cake is 68 cals and 8g of protein someone feels safe eating, fine. good for them. that might be the only thing they eat all day, and they ate it bc it felt safe.

if the options are a fear food, the "ana recipe," or literally nothing and they chose the mega low cal recipe, they ate something, and thats a win here in this godforsaken disorder hellscape.

it isnt about being "pro" it's hey instead of eating nothing lets start with a sweet treat under 100 calories and go from there.

would you shit on someone with BED as hard if they posted a 680 cal recipe for filling and satisfying high protein pasta with a ton of veggies added to it for bulk if their alternative was eating 3000cals of cake and french fries in a single sitting and feel hungry and unsatisfied and then also feel the post binge shame, or would you tell them good job for picking the more nutritional option that also didnt involve feeding into their disordered behavior and sharing it with others who also have the same struggle so that they too can have a safer, better option??

same concept. we harm reduce on this blog.

lets use our heads here.

[pr0an4]

to get to know me,

i developed ed (bulimic anorexia, more of anorexia) in 2019, when my weight was 56kg and my height 174cm (the height is the same now, i stopped growing when i started to starve myself). I did instagram pro ana profile where i had my society in 2020. My weight was going up and down, between 2019 and 2022 it could be 62kg, but it also could be 45kg.

2022, 1st of January, around 49kg, my parents found out about everything - first was neurological treatment, then psychward, then private ed treatment, after which i relapsed and went to psychward again (all in poland, im polish).

2022, August, around 57kg, i got out of psychward and was all time controlled by my parents, they would control how much i eat, how often i eat etc. There was no place for cheating, no place for starving or purging.

2022, November-December, around 60kg, got really bad antideprestants and other "mental health meds" that werent ok for me so my weight got up to 73kg. (Still controlled by parents)

2023, april, around 69kg, i said i dont want meds or therapy anymore, i said i love myself and im all good now, i said that its definitely end of my recovery journey. I lied to everyone. I stopped going to therapy and psychodietitian and taking meds, but my parents were still controlling me. Somehow i managed to lost weight and at the end of summer 2023 i was around 60kg. Everyone was thiking im doing so well.

2023, august-december, I was really depressend about everything and wanted to kill myself more tyan ever so i started to drink and do drugs and whatever not to remember. I was missing my 45kg body, i loved it. I dont really remember much from 2023aug-dec., I know it was a crazy fucked up alcoholic season, I would go to school drunk or high, but my parents never found out about it.

2024, January to now, march.

January was bad, still depressed and started to cut myself again, I would starve for fun, lose 2-3kg, gain it back and starve again, just to feel something. I was really sick all february so I mostly spent it in home. Today, march 19th im sick again, still at home. My body is so sick after the august2023-January2024 period of time.

What I wrote here seems to be so long, but in reality its just a few things that happened so you can understand better what im doing here. The worst time was in 2019-2022 but i cant really even think of it, i always start crying and just generally fuckaround because i miss my sick times and sick body when parents didnt know, anyone didnt know. Sometimes when i think about i think that this period of time gave me a kind of trauma or ptsd. I almost lost my life. Fun time.

If anyone would want to, i can text here about the 2019-2022

Im here on tumblr to start again. To be 45kg again, to be less than 45kg. I dont have my IG pro ana society, I dont have my sick body but i can grow there.

Im not going to fuck around and do some kpop diets or mymelody stuff, im going to do it in old and my favorite way, to just starve. Tbh if you just skip breakfast and dont eat sweets - its fucking around to get attention, the same thing with all the kpop diets or fasting. Just starve yourself, do it until you cant breathe because of the little amount of power for living.

Health isnt really as important as your weight. I did so much things to my body and im still alive.

If someone even read this to this point please give me a sign!

Later im going to post more here.

[spawnofthedivine]

love it when ppl add food CWs to their posts /genuine

uhmm big ass rant below the cut :P

a lot of ppl say its making food sound "bad" in your mind, but for us it really isnt! they say its bad for ed recovery, but theres more EDs than just anorexia and bulimia!!

we have sensory based arfid. we have a horrible appetite, though we enjoy both food AND eating. if we want something to eat, we NEED to avoid other foods in order to keep our appetite. any food could ruin it at any point, especially if its a random post online. it makes us nauseous, grossed out, and sometimes can go as far as making us gag irl from just an image. it is mainly because of the visuals and our active imagination (we can taste, smell, etc. from an image).

we do not have a strong fear of food, we love eating. a CW/TW doesnt inherently mean "fear", it just means theres a warning for the content.

example: we want to eat some fish sticks. we are scrolling on tumblr right before we go downstairs to eat, see a post of a lasagna that had no tags, and immediately feel nauseous and have zero appetite for any food. we get upset, our parents get mad at us for not eating, and everyone feels like shit.

sure, we can just.. not scroll on social media when we're hungry, but... thats nearly all fucking day. we are hungry a lot. we love snacks. we dont often see pics of food, so its not like a common occurrence (we have a lot of tags blocked), but it IS appreciated when we see it with a CW or at least food related tags

we need food CWs to keep ourselves fed and healthy. its not a fucking fear reaction, its a symptom of our relatively incurable eating disorder (arfid!!!!). stop being so convinced food CWs are only for fear reactions. we can eat just fine as long as we arent surprised with something. also: yes, we are able to see those posts when we are not planning on eating for a while. its not a constant thing for us, but it might be for others. it still does bring the negative experience, though. sometimes we get lucky and its a safe looking food, but thats rare.

PS: you really shouldnt assume you know mentally ill people better than they know themselves, especially if youre not their doctor.

unless you have a personal reason to not add them (triggers you, bring bad memories, etc.) then its not a fucking issue to add them. you dont have to, obviously, but its appreciated. and you shouldnt shit on the idea of it either way.

whatever. im tired of this "discourse". we see it everywhere.

[plague-parade]

My grandmother who I got EDS from has a herniated disc rn and they might have to do the surgery on her. Shes tried the injections, which dont work for her, and is really scared of getting surgery but is also in too much pain to live with it. Would you say the surgery was worth it? What should I pass on to her? 

i think its definitely worth a try! my main surgery was a laminectomy, the discectomy was kind of secondary (they didnt really know it was that bad despite an MRI and a CT) if she has the option, definitely do it minimally invasive! its a much smaller incision, so if she has issues with wound healing its less wound to heal.

for me its helped my back pain SO much, not necessarily my hip/leg pain and weakness since that was unfortunately permanent nerve damage.

the recovery honestly isnt as bad as i was expecting, especially if they give you good pain meds! the most annoying thing is the movement restrictions during the six to eight week post op period.

[nightmare8-420]

Intro

Call me J

Pronouns are he/him but they and it are fine too

I like screaming into the void known as this hellsite

somehow am still lonely while having friends

i draw and post it here sometimes

I call this an ed/sh blog but its relly just my shitty life™️ i wont ever post body checks of me or someone else. Everything that could potentially trigger someone should have a tw on it, if not lmk. I dont promote anything in my shitty life. probably not a safe space for ppl in recovery, love yall, just dont wanna trigger you

B0mblover is my writing/sometimes art blog

killmeplese34 (yes its spelled like that) is my sh blog bc worried abt being t worded

free Palestine🇵🇸

im a minor so please dont be too weird

i want to bash my head in in pavement

feel free to spam if youd like, it doesnt bother me /gen

as of feb 24 2024 im learning chinese (simplified) i might post in it, please correct me if i mess up

Dni list:

Racists

Homophobes

Transphobes

Xenophobes

ablest “people”

pedos (does that need to be said?)

conservatives (american ones specifically bc ive heard its different in other places we will not get along)

pro “life” “people”

Fbi

government in general (i will call a crack head next time bc YALL DIDNT FUCKIN SHOW UP)

Do not ask me about

•gun control (im too confused on it to have a proper stance)

•for help financially (sorry but i legit cant do jack shit about it besides reblog bro im broke af)

•real advice (i can try to help but i make things much worse)

•how i feel about Kunai Tadashi (i mean you can just it will be long)

•every illegal thing ive done (FUCK YOU FBI YOULL NEVER CATCH ME as i post my ip address)

Info

Email: adolf.hitlers.goldfish@gmail.com

Email2: anidiot5317@gmail.com

Email3: (professional shitttt) J.Nitoro@gmail.com

Instagram: Insane_268_2

Discord: mocchi59

(ao3 will be hopefully added if i ever make an account)

Tags, if you need to block smth (or need an index)

•idiot ass drawing (drawing)

• j’s a bloody mess (selfharm/blood)

• j isnt suffering for once? (my infrequent high points)

• j’s crying and listening to music (music)

• j’s guchiry posting again (guchiry)

• j is down bad as fuck and doesnt know how or deal with it / really any variation of it (me being down bad for a certain someone and handing it poorly, i made the tag as a joke and just kept using it) (is private)

•cooking with j (me cooking gross shit seeing if it tastes good)

•j answers (new tag, “answering” asks)

•j watches alice in borderland tag ig (its what it sounds like.)

•Jiro nitos depression irl (red text posts of mine, mostly for myself, sorting. i have too many tags but oh well)

im mostly into

Guchiry /ぐちり

Hiiragi Kirai / 柊キライ

Alice in Borderland (only pirated dw)

And ¿?(wada shimon)

and i have severe trauma so i sometimes post about that 👍

I wish you luck

[your-average-multifandom-mess]

I just finished sex ed season 3 and I need to talk about EVERYTHING

the good, the bad, the im conflicted. 

SPOILERS!

This show can really make me like ANY ship huh

I literally hated Ruby and Otis and all of a sudden they’re so cute together? what? props to the writers and actors

ADAM APPEARING FROM THE FUKIN SKY ON HIS BIKE LMAO

pls not them all liking hope at the very start- I KNEW she was a bitch

I have to say I am extremely offended by the lack of Lily and Ola content, other then the argument at the end of the season they basically had NOTHING. 

Shit started to get real personal when Hope made adam, cal and lily wear those signs (I hated this part so much there may be a whole post abt it )

CAL IS AN INCREDIBLE CHARACTER. I WASN’T SURE ABOUT THEM IN THE TRAILER BUT NOW I LOVE THEM. 

cal and Jackson for season 4, but ONLY if he can properly accept that Cal isnt a girl

I’m so glad they finally acknowledged Ola’s mum

“Amy works through her trauma” Yeah she was having appointments with Jean but we only saw one? I feel like her recovery could be focused on more

the old toilet block is gone and it really feels like the end of an era ngl

“I look quite pretty” YES YOU DO MY DARLING 

Adam and eric in the first half of the season were incredible. Adam figuring out how to tell Eric what he wanted was beautiful, and being so open about it at school was just-

WHY. THE. FUCK. DID. ERIC. CHEAT. WITH. SOME. GUY. HE. HAD. MET. ONCE. THERE WAS LITERALLY NO CHEMISTRY THERE AND HE WAS FINE WITH ADAM. HE THEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ADAM THAT IT HAD MEANT SOMETHING?

adam’s poem took my heart out and ripped it into a thousand pieces

the fuck is going on with him and rahim if they start dating i may boycott the show

Aimee and steve breaking up made me so upset but i so get why they did

MAUREEN GROFF is such a superior character MORE MAUREEN GROFF SCENES

I really don’t know how i’m feeling about jean and Jakob I can’t tell if they truly love each other or not

the poo scene in episode 5 was the funniest and the most disgusting thing I have ever seen

Miss sans and Mr Hendrix are 2 of the best characters I said what I said

STEVE WAS WEARING A SIGN THAT SAID “I THINK I’M DEMISEXUAL” IN THE ASSEMBLY. YES, I HAD TO PAUSE AND HAVE A BIT OF A CRY.

When Hope told Ola to take of her pride badge because her values should be enough made me a new level of angry

Why the fuck did they basically just throw away the Viv and Jackson friendship? Tbh I’ve always wanted them to stay as friends, but at one point they were barely even interacting?

here it is the part you were all waiting for

MAEVE AND OTIS MAN

BOTH THE FIRST AND SECOND KISS WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE

I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S GOING AWAY. WE HAD THEM FOR SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME AND NOW WE'RE LOSING THEM AGAIN 

IF MOTIS ARE NOT PICKED UP ON AGAIN IN A NEW SEASON I WILL LOSE THE WILL TO LIVE alright i think that's all, pls feel free to cry with me in the comments

[daddyd0nt]

For the record Im not “so fat I need to wipe my ass with a stick” im almost 6 feet tall and around 270lbs (probably less because my weight has finally been evening out but thats what I was at my last physical)  im fat but only like “cant buy cheap clothes from china” fat but it doesn’t keep me from doing physical shit (the job I work is extremely constantly physically demanding) and my bloodwork is all good it is literally just an aesthetic thing and it happens to almost everybody who takes the meds Im on like yeah it sucks but I can work a job now and can be trusted to keep myself safe so Im not totally unhappy with the trade-off.  Id like to build a little more muscle and get a little more fit but the strain that the medication puts on my circulatory system makes it hard.  Ive been doing intermittent fasting for a little over a month and it is going well but the farmer assholes are a lot more concerned than my Dr is about my size.  Also me and Luna are very similar body types, Im an inch or two taller than her and about 50lbs heavier but you don’t need to point out 500 times that we are both broad girls especially knowing that she is struggling with ED. And she DOESN’T look like me, she significantly slimmer stop encouraging the delusion that she is bigger than she is the poor girl is already struggling with ED.  U don’t LARP ED.  If you want or are trying to give yourself an eating disorder you already have one.

And “there were no fat people in Auschwitz”  yeah because the prisoners were literally starved TO DEATH they were starved past the point of their metabolism slowing down to the point where upon freedom they couldn’t process their first meals and many died from refeeding syndrome.  The stereotype of the “fat German” comes from the fact that during reconstruction people were being re-introduced to normal caloric amounts and their bodies would respond by getting enormous.  And there WERE average-build people in the concentration camps, that famous picture of the children by the fence contains quite a few kids who are not emaciated.  The most striking pictures are of the severely emaciated prisoners so that is why they are used most often but there are plenty of pictures of broader/heavier people in the ghettos where starvation rations were implemented and like I said these people were starved TO DEATH  you either die or you recover and accept the recovery weight, are you really pointing to Holocaust victims as “Ana goals” because that is a new level of sick.

Oh and the thigh gap thing isn’t “fat girl cope” I have been underweight (like actually BMI wise not just for my frame) and never had a thigh gap because it is literally a matter of if ur hip bones rotate during puberty or not.  Ive seen girls my size with thigh gaps, it is about bone structure not bodyfat.  

To the person who said my interest in Luna was “because Ive found somebody with a worse life that I can gloat over” I feel really bad for you if that is what motivates you to make friends.  And its not “parasocial” we have had a number of conversations she just doesnt like responding on posts publicly because of the whole stalking thing and Im not a scumbag who shares my DMs.  Shes a cool person, never been anything but nice and chill, and I really like her art.  Im hoping to bring her on board as an illustrator for a project Im working on, in fact.

Sorry for the novel I just have not read lolcow in ages and can’t believe Im still being discussed.  Im fat and autistically friendly, there are a lot of worse things  you could be (like, for example, somebody who participates in and laughs about sex crimes by spreading revenge porn of people) and it isnt like Im overflowing with milk I go to work and smoke my weed and watch my silly little horror movies yall are so swept up in the mob mentality that u have to attack anybody who shows the poor girl some decency and Im sorry not sorry but you don’t scare me and u aren’t going to bully me into participating in ur nastiness.  

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[pompoms-bones]

Woah huge rant about ana community!!

I hate that I ever came to ana tumblr. Before i came here, I was in recovery for a similar case of anorexia, but nowhere NEAR as bad as it is now. One day my ed thoughts got the best of me, and all of the sudden i was waist deep in ana tumblr. Pretty much every moment of my life was once again focused on food and calorie counting. I got so deep into it, in fact, that I started to think people saying “ana communities are toxic” were just flat out wrong. My time on ana tumblr made me realize that the people saying “ana tumblr is pro ana,” are actually right.

You can say it was my fault for coming here, “they weren’t responsible for triggering you.” I suppose in a sense you’d be right. But I know that ALL of you know how difficult it is to get out of an ana-based cycle. When food and being thin is the only goddamn thing on your mind, it becomes a genuine STRUGGLE to not browse ana forums and ana communities. You learn to like triggering yourself because its “motivating.” It honestly does feel good to know others have damaging thoughts just like you. You end up wanting it to be your entire lifestyle. You just cant stop logging on. A community that claims to not be proana shouldnt be causing thousands, if not millions of people to dive deeper and deeper into their eating disorders.

I hate that even though i wouldn’t wish anorexia anybody, me posting ana thoughts on this site literally makes me pro ana. I’m literally furthering peoples eating disorders, and even though it’s the last thing I could ever want, in this situation I am solely to blame for triggering others. It’s the same way that I will follow people who post their anorexic thoughts so I can further motivate my own eating disorder. I can say all I want that I’m using this account to cope, and even though that’s true, I feel like other people’s safety is way more important than me coping in... probably the unhealthiest way possible. I’m indirectly helping to ruin so many peoples lives by posting my ana thoughts and shit. This isn’t a recovery community like i’ve seen so many people claim- if it was, then a majority would be posting tips to recover, not reblogging tips to avoid binging after a 7-day fast. Ana tumblr is “follow each other and trigger yourself” and that’s just the truth.

Of course not everyone purposefully triggers themselves- some people genuinely want to recover and follow RECOVERY ana blogs. It’s awful they even have to have recovery in the name. Ana tumblr should be about recovery and a huge majority of it ISNT. It’s awful that I, and so many others, would go out of the way to avoid recovery blogs because it doesn’t fuel our eds. I’m so used to everything here fueling my ed that I genuinely don’t even want to get better. I see people eat 300 cal a day and think I’m not doing good enough. I see people exercise themselves into the negative calorie zone and think I’m not doing good enough. There are posts that are genuinely harmless that I can relate to and chuckle at and I feel like that’s fine- cope through humor. But holy fuckjng cow all I see is people shaming themselves for eating healthily and all I’m taking from it is “everybody deserves to eat that and be healthy :) and I deserve to eat fucking nothing because I don’t deserve to injest anything at all.” Forums like myproana are called pro ana because. it is. The topics are tips for being anorexic; how to be anorexic and avoid certain diseases, strategies for maintaining terrible diets, tips on what exercises burn the most calories, low-cal recipes perfect for keeping you in your calorie range, just straight up bonespo, and, ykno, just so much awful shit. That stuff BELONGS on a website called myproana because it’s clearly pro ana. You know what’s on ana tumblr? Strategies for starving and not binging, tips on what exercises burn the most calories, low-cal recipes perfect for staying within your calorie range, bonespo but mainly thinspo. A Lot of Thinspo.

We are no better than a site fucking CALLED MyProAna- so why do we act like we are?

Anyways, there’s only 15 of you, but to everyone who sees my feed, i’m truly sorry for triggering all of you. i’m sorry for fueling all of your eds. i’m sorry for never posting about recovery. i’m sorry for never even trying to encourage recovery through my posts. i don’t regret much, but if i could go back and stop anything it’d be the creation of this blog. anorexia sucks. bulimia sucks. binge eating disorder sucks. all eating disorders suck. i wish you all the best in your recoveries- your life shouldn’t end because you were afraid of eating an extra slice of bread or even a teaspoon extra of sugar. you deserve love, support, recovery, and most importantly, food. If you make the decision to recover, always remember that its okay to have bad days. healing is never linear, but i know you’ll make it. one day you won’t have to obsess over food. you won’t say no to hanging out with your friends just because there will be food there. you won’t be scared of family, eat-at-the-table, dinners.

I’m dipping for good. I’m going to eat 3 meals tomorrow and feel good about myself. Idk what I plan to do with this account yet, but I know I’m never going to come back. I won’t let myself continue to harm myself. I wish you all the best of luck :) stay safe everybody and know that you deserve so much more than you know.

[holylacydoll]

ahh instagram really gets on my nerves sometimes. like ppl there can be really hypocritical. i'm sure it happens everywhere, but it's just what i'm seeing. recently i got accused of promoting eds on mine when i was just posting a picture in a dress?

like if you go to a really thin girls ig page, 90% of the comments are just telling her to gain weight. and anyone who just gives them a compliment is "enabling", even if they're not even complimenting their body? as if underweight people don't deserve any compliments at all? also they just assume everyone who is extremely thin has an ed, which isn't even true.

then if you look at the comments on an overweight girl's page, there's so much body positivity. and anyone who makes a fatphobic comment is called out, everyone defends them. i'm not saying that's bad. i don't think anyone should be shamed for their body, regardless of how healthy it is or isn't.

i just hate the way some people feel like they can diagnose someone with an ed just by looking at them? and then they feel as if they're doing something helpful by commenting "eat a burger". like i understand some people have good intentions, but really? never in the history of ever has this cured someone's ED. please shut up.

like you don't really see people telling overweight girls they have BED just because of their body type, despite it being even more common than ana or mia. yet people always just assume underweight girls have anorexia or bulimia. and even if they do, constantly commenting about it isnt going to help anyone recover. but some people actually just have an illness that makes them thin, yet they have to constantly remind the comments of this and even still get deleted.

like stop treating underweight girls as a walking mental illness, even if they are openly anorexic or bulimic. if they're not promoting their mental illness, just leave them alone. a thin girl gets called proana/mia & her acc deleted for posting the same type of photos an overweight girl would get praised for body positivity. it's so frustrating to me.

like. let very underweight girls post pics in bikinis during summer, just like you would let an overweight girl do. stop assuming people have serious mental illnesses just based off their bodies. stop trying to force people with eds into recovery before they're personally ready/able to heal. healthy or not, overweight or underweight, it's not your place to tell people what to do. stop reporting girls just for being thin??? obviously unless they are ACTUALLY promoting eds, but a thin girl existing and taking selfies and trying to feel cute isn't doing anything wrong and just hhhhh.

also complimenting someone with an ed isn't enabling unless you are encouraging them to do damaging behaviors or making it seem like it's okay?? like a lot of the comments i've seen get called "enabling" are just saying things like "i like your outfit" and "your makeup is so pretty". that's so ridiculous.

if you're not reporting everyone overweight for promoting BED like you do to everyone thin for promoting ana/mia, not only are you wrong, you're a hypocrite. don't tell overweight people to lose weight, and don't tell underweight people to gain weight. like there are other ways to reach out to people you think might be struggling with something. but overall it's their life, and you shouldn't harass them and tell them how to live. nobody wants your unsolicited and useless advice or opinions on their body.

[littlebigafterdark]

has logan ever relapsed with his ed? 🐝

he definitely has

he strted getting help for it ten years ago when he was 25 - thats when he told patton and pat immediately took him to a doctor the next morning - and he had a meal plan and food diary for five years until he was 30 (which i believe is right before vee moved in with them)

at the beginning of his treatment there were of course bumps, but patton was his best friend and helped him through as much as he could (though not in an unhealthy way, most of logans help came from his dietician and therapist)

ans since then logan is mostly recovered, but there are bad days when he just randomly gets the urge to skip meals, and he pushes through it. sometimes though he cant bring himself to push through it (though this is fairly rare) and tells patton and they sit together and talk about anything until logan feels like he can eat again

but in terms of forcing himself to vomit, i think thats probably happened a few times more than logan would like to admit. NOT A LOT he is very much mostly recivered, but maybe every few months logan caves and on impulse gives into that urge again

hes very ashamed specifically of the purging though (much more so than the restricting) and while he does bring himself back and make sure it only happens on a singular occassion (or two), he doesnt tell patton like he probably should

but there are many many more times when he ALMOST relapses, but either pulls himself back from it or tells patton and patton soothes him through it, and actually i have a concept to post about one of those instances soon - where roman accidentally triggered logan to almost relapse but logan asks for help and janus and patton are able to prevent it

also a note: only patton knows about logans eating disorder. they never told any other members of the family. roman noticed that logan has always been really controlling with food but he never clicked it all together because by the time they were all really close, logan was in recovery. roman has never connected the dots and logan rlly doesnt want him to either

and janus was not present for any of it BUT from his lie detection, hes pieced together that logan was weird about eating - but it isnt until one night (the concept im posting later) where he witnesses logan almost relapse that he connects the dots and realises why he always detected lies "i ate earlier" "im not hungry" "im just going to wash my hands"

vee doesnt know a single thing about logans ed OR about any of his previously controlled eating habits that ro and janus picked up on, and logan is very adamant that he doesnt want her to know about it - this is only prtly because he doesnt want vee knowing that abt him. but its mostly because he is so scared of vee developping an ED that he worries any mention of it will "inspire" her to restrict her eating. (this isnt accurate but its logans fear)

[brehliemaryann-blog1]

. The eating disorder will see any crack in your emotional stability as an chance to creep in & take over . As soon as you start to feel out of control, or like life is becoming too much- the ED will arise with many suggestions for healing all of your woes- none of which will actually help . Its important in these times that you lean on your recovery, not the disorder Because what may appear to be the comfort of an old friend, is actually a trap. And in these moments, its your own love that you need the most . The ED loves for things to be fast, frantic & confusing It wants you to act before you regain your wits by making you feel wrong & like you need to carry out its demands in order to be right . Your highest self recognizes that there’s peace in the present moment. She knows that slowing down & being patient with yourself will allow for answers & clarity to come through- so take a breath & allow yourself to surrender to her wisdom . I know how restricting makes you feel like you’re not taking from anyone or anything Like your needs not being met isnt a result of your circumstances, but rather a result of your own free will . I know how bingeing helps you go numb when you no longer want to feel And how purging & over-exercise help you feel light when things get heavy . I know how micromanaging your food gives you something to focus on & control, when everything else feels chaotic & uncertain I know, because ive been there . But I also know that if you slow down & tune in during these moments Youll find that its easier to harness your inner strength & to act in alignment with your truth . Youll see that the answer is not to run away from yourself & back to old behaviors, but to stay by your own side & keep moving forward . Bad days arent an excuse to put recovery on the back burner- they’re an opportunity to strengthen your commitment to recovery & yourself . Lean on your recovery, not your illness, for stability Stay strong, keep going & take care of yourself . Everything will work itself out, & when it does, you’ll be glad that you stayed the course . . I’d ❤ to help YOU more. Leave your q's below & I’ll answer them in a future post! . Xoxo Breh 😘 (at North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0Uj7vGJhN7/?igshid=1un72bq2kyid

[tumblunni]

Oh and just to clarify that the long time it took for me to get this surgery isnt a sign the nhs is bad or anything! I just had complications due to my life situation. Cos of my autism and anxiety i REALLY REALLY cant cope with having surgery done on me while im awake, even if im numbed up. The panic reaction is so strong and involuntary that i cant stop shaking and risk messing up the surgery becaue of it, not to mention the chamce of doing worse damage to myself in a panic attack. So i had to specifically be sent to the main hospital and receive overnight anesthetic, and i had to have a longer stay than usual because i live alone with no parents or lifr partner who could watch over me during my recovery. So the actual surgery itself just took three hours and the worst part was the anxiety of having to wait about 18 more hours in a busy hospital feeling perfectly fine but unable to go home until the observation period had passed and also til i was able to get a lift home with my psychologist. I am SO grateful she was able to support me with this!! So yeah i basically had to have the ultra deluxe complicated version of the regular surgery which also had to correlate with a time my psychologist would be free, and thats why ut was hard for them to find a time to schedule it. And most of the waiting was initially because of me being a dumbass and being too afraid to tell anyone i was in pain and too afraid to go to the doctor. I think it must have been almost four years of that? And then it was just a two year wait of going thru pre-assessments and waiting for a time slot for this final full operation. Which is still a frustrating time to wait but i understand tat the circumstances made it difficukt and also this isnt really an emergency surgery so yeah. I was just making a lot of frustrated posts about it over the last few years cos the waiting PROCESS is really bad, yknow? You barely get any information on how long you have to wait, its just all left up in the air that it could be any time in the next year and yoy'll get a very short notice letter right when its about to happen and npthing else for months at a time. And the automated phone service is badly made and yeah basically just a bunch of lame decisions made by the accounting section of the company that ended up increasing my anxiety, lol.

But seriously id way rather have this than having "only if you can pay for it" surgery! I mean when i finally got there it was all SO amazing and hi tech and highly staffed and everyone was so nice and it was all so fast and efficient and really comfy and everyone made you feel at home and you got a private cubicle with a lockable door and free food like 5 times a day like holy shit they wouldnt stop giving me The Best Toast In The World and my throat hurt but i felt it woulf be impolute to not Honor Their Toastly Kindness! So many of my worries about the experience were totally unfounded dumb hollywood myths that dont happen at all in british hospitals. And they still manage to run such a well oiled machine of amazing professionals and above excellent patient service despite how bad our economy is right now! I overheard them talking about jow their budget is lower ths year and i was like "holy shit but you guys are so amazong?? How do you manage??" I cant even imagine what it must have been like back when doctors got better salaries! Seriously they just WOULD NOT STOP PAMPERING ME it was so WEIRD!!! Comfy adjustable beds and reclining super soft sofa and this whole personal room and people coming in with trolleys full of a wide selection of really damn amazing breakfast foods and they even gave you special comfort socks for the long time of bed rest to avoid ankle swelling and they were like friggin cinderella scene insisting on putting the socks on for you?? I felt so embarassed in the good way for once! Blushing cos it was total prince treatment! And none of that "oh drugs are so expensive you have to go without necessary medicine in order to pay the bills" shit, they kept offering me optional medicines thatd make every part of the surgery easier and were like "please dont worry about accepting them, its the government's job to make sure youre free of pain so just be honest if youre feeling bad". But seriously the surgery was all so swift and done with great precision and i had such kind care and warm drinks and SO MUCH JAM ON MY TOAST that i felt like my mouth was okay even without the extra painkiller dose. And then i expected id just have to buy my own paracetamol once i was discharged from surgery but they gave me a big box of extra strength jaw surgery specific paracetamol for free! All of this was free! I got free goddamn cosmetic reconstruction on my teeth that i never even asked for and i was like holy shit when i looked in the mirror lol. I just expected everything to be gone but they put this reconstructive cap thing to replace the front teeth just jn case i was worried about the appearance of the gap between them. And SO MUCH goddamn free food holy shit im so toasted out! And free tv and wifi and showers and a warm comfy sofa and just a nice day of chilling out in a very weird sort of luxury hotel, lol. And the gift shop was also super cheap and full of necessities! And the nurse was so kind that i was able to hand her the money and she went to the gift shop for me when i was too dizzy to walk. I needed new headphones cos mine broke on the way there, and she got me a staff discount on them and picked out the cutest best pair! UNICORN DRAGON PATTERN!! Im gonna keep them FOREVER holy shit they look so cool and for a £1 discount pack they have sonmuch better sound quality and noise cancellation than the more expensive ones i had before. And the whole gesture just really touched me, it cheered me up so much to have a giggle at some adorable fashion headphones and see my nurse jamming along to ed sheeran to test that they worked, and she was just so sassy and jokey and we even had a contest between all of the nurses comparing our silly socks! Seriously it was just SO welcoming and unscary and had a lot more privacy than i expected and a lot less heavy restrictions and stuff and jusy EVERYONE WAS SO NICE AND SO GOOD AT THEIR JOB and did i mention THE BEST TOAST EVER

So yeah i dont think im scared of hospitals anymore. And i feel guilty about all the panicky posts i made before i went in for this operation, i hope i didnt give anyone the wrong impression that i was some longknowing person making factual complaints about the nhs as opposed to a first time hospital visitor with anxiety who was imagining every possible way it could go wrong. Absolutely none of my fears happened and it was way nicer than i ever imagined! Im kinda looking forward to the followup appointment in 2 weeks just so i can say thank you again and also have more money to buy some spares of those good headphones from the gift shop.

I hope everyone else out there who has to deal with medical disasters gets doctors just as nice as these ones!!!

[lesbienneanarchiste]

Some rando thoughts at 7:48 am

While i obv understand that most people /aren't/ disabled and chronically ill, i find the ableism aspect of ""body pos/tivity"" posts/books/etc really alienating. As a fat person with an ED, it already was alienating. As a mixed race jew, it was already alienating. As a nonbinary person, it was already alienating. But there are bod pos blogs that otherwise address those shortcomings in the mainstream movement and i can get behind that. With the chronic illness and disability shit tho... It's nigh on impossible. My disabilities have always ruled my life and how I experience existence and quite honestly account for at least 87% of my ED bullshit bc my dysphoria is so bad. I have never connected with my body and can never see myself loving it, not bc of its size or shape but bc it is /literally trying to kill me/. Rationally, i understand that abled people with body issues account for the majority of the bod pos audience and that posts saying "reminder that all bodies are good bodies! You dont need a thigh gap bc your legs need to be able to carry you around!" Etc etc etc can be really helpful for those people. But that's not true for me or for a grand majority of chronically ill people. My body /isn't/ a good body. No matter what i weigh or how much i "accept" myself, my legs /aren't/ going to be able to carry me around like a normal person. And idk it just feels.... Alienating. I am never going to love or even "appreciate" my body bc of my chronic illness shit and that makes it all the harder to have any remote sense of ED recovery. The best i can shoot for is to be utterly neutral but at every turn, the message i get is that that isn't good enough and that if i only tried harder, i too could "fall in love with myself", as though my body weren't completely divorced from how i see myself as a consciousness. Putting the onus of feeling comfortable in my skin and loving my body on me instead of addressing that that just isnt going to happen and that's okay just feels like all the other marginalized aspects of my life and thats why i cant be bothered to care about whatever hashtag bod pos people are promoting these days