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"Basically what happens is, Grace and Max are right about to win. They're right about to do it. And then, there's a groaning. In the floorboards. Suddenly, the staircase gives out beneath Grace and Max, and they fall through the floors. They fall stories. Pieces of wood shove through their chests, and they both are killed."
"But keep this in mind, nothing truly dies in the Waylon house. Grace and Max become ghosts, and they're off doing whatever, but they're no longer involved in the tournament."
So.. that Pit Stop in Hatchetfield tag team deathmatch huh.
#hand in unlovable hand#Pulling pledges last-second to affect the results is FOUL but this was the best possible outcome for them actually.#relative to the death tournament where every other character dies a horrible death anyways#but more importantly. to my entertainment. They win even when they lose.#Terrible for hatchetfield though. Just one of them was enough to be World Ending Cataclysm levels disastrous#and now there's two of them. terrible.#a pit stop in hatchetfield#Ted finally survives a timeline but his friends and family are dead and there are murder ghosts on the loose#nerdy prudes must die#Also tom being the nighthawks coach loredrop. and max being hesitant to fight him#I mean he does anyways but it's the thought that counts right#grace chasity#jagertity#max jagerman#starkid#hatchetfield#hatcherverse#cakeart#Coping about lex and ethan though. swept in my heart
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[Abandoned by the Lightners, his heart became cracked with hatred.]
Hitting a lil' too close to home?
#junie art post#ink sans#error sans#utmv#errorink#implied. but yea not the focus#this has been turning around in my mind for quite some time. im glad to finish it lmao idk if my ramblings make sense even.#so like listen. do you ever think about how similar the function of the utmv is to the dark worlds in deltarune.#in a meta narrative to fandom sense? idk the word#we are making exaggerated expanded worlds of the ordinary tools and entertainment of the real world and make it into something more#isnt that very very interesting?#and we explore every sort of possibility in that creation. both good and bad#and when all is said and done. every possibility found and the entertainment and secrets has all run out#we put it away. abandon and leave it behind#what is left? what happens to the world and characters we have created? can it sustain without us?#what of the ones left in the dark?#idk if yall saw me a few months ago but i reblogged comyet's old post of ink begging us not to leave him alone and to keep creating#yea that never left me#and seeing exactly THAT SCENARIO in deltarune made my brain iTCH#imagine an ink in King's position.... wait isnt that just underverse#mmmmmmm. darkner ink.....#also error is here too. not just for errorink or that i can't separate these two to save my life#but error is also one of the few people to be able to GET IT?? he can hear the creators too. ink cant#but hes pretty much programmed himself to avoid having a mental break down to this via reboot memory loss.#and ink has his own internal coping mechanism (hooray for short term memory loss)#these two idiots will do anything but confront truths lmfao#ahhh my favorite idiots. never change#mmmmm#deltarune
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hi Silver! o/ because that fanart made me wonder - would you happen to know when/where Dick's stuffed elephant plush Zitka turns up in the comics?
GREETINGS CAM <3333 THAT ART WAS SO CUTE
Yeah, I think your instincts are right - it's a truly adorable bit of transformative fandom, but I'm 95% percent sure it's not comics canon. Barbara has canon plushies, but I don't think anyone else does.
I got kinda invested in the investigation (it's hard to prove a negative!) and I ended up typing out an entire History of Elinore/Zitka, so, uh, if you're curious, meet me below the cut for:
Where does Elinore / Zitka - the animal - appear in comics?
Did Dick ever have a stuffed elephant toy in comics?
Where does Elinore / Zitka appear in comics?
We're gonna go in chronological order!
Dick's circus elephant friend was first created for practical reasons: in Batman 436, Marv Wolfman does a big expanded flashback to Dick's circus backstory as a way to subtly show us Tim before officially introducing him (so that we can have a technically-solvable mystery-of-Tim's-identity in LPoD). In this comic, there's an elephant named Elinore who loves Dick:
Aww. Such a cute elephant!
Batman 436 comes out in August 1989. New Titans 60 comes out a few months later, in November, and guess what? When Dick visits the circus, he is suddenly surprised by an unexpected blast from the past! It turns out that even though it's been years, Elinore still remembers him!
Here's the part where Elinore remembers Dick:
SUCH a cute elephant. I love her.
(Guess who else still remembers Dick even though it was so long ago. Guess which other character is about to be an unexpected blast from the past. Guess which character Elinore is directly paralleling guess guess guess sorry everything is about Dick and Tim in my mind but I can focus I swear)
Four years later, in 1993, Batman: The Animated Series retells Dick's origin story. They like and keep Wolfman's elephant, but they change her name to Zitka:
Wolfman doesn't return to the elephant beyond those two appearances, and a few years down the line, New Titans gets cancelled and Wolfman's not writing Dick anymore anyway. So the animal gets abandoned for a while, until Devin Grayson, a fan of both Wolfman and B:tAS, revives the Wolfman-era Titans team in JLA/Titans and then the ongoing series Titans 1999.
Grayson then brings back the elephant in a flashback to Dick's past in Titans 16 (Jun 2000), where she imports the B:tAS name. Sometimes I'm skeptical of TV-to-comics imports, but honestly, I endorse this one. You lose the alliteration, which is a shame, but IMO Zitka is a better elephant name than Elinore.
Here's Dick with the newly-christened Zitka in Titans 16:
Grayson also briefly references the elephant in Gotham Knights 20 and - in a final angsty callback - in Nightwing 88 (Feb 2004), where Zitka tries futilely to comfort Dick in the midst of his trauma conga line:
... And... honestly, I think that's it for comic appearances? The two Wolfman comics plus the three Grayson comics.
Both Wolfman and Grayson are writing multiple titles - Batman, New Titans, Titans, Gotham Knights, and Nightwing between the two of them, spanning a big chunk of Dick's post-Crisis canon - and both writers use the elephant for heartwarming moments of nostalgia, which means if you're doing a post-Crisis readthrough for Dick, Elinore/Zitka feels memorable. But I don't think she actually shows up that much.
For post-2011, I am not as well-informed - throwing this out to the dash? anyone know? - but I feel like Zitka the heartwarming symbol of Dick's heartwarming circus past is, uh, thematically very at odds with the Court of Owls evil!circus vibes, so my instinct is that this story element was almost certainly dropped in the reboot.
Did Dick ever have a stuffed elephant toy in comics?
In WFA, yes; in main comics continuity, no. Technically, I have not read every comic ever published, so I could be wrong!! But I don't think so.
Below, find my rambling reasoning on the tonal vibes of pre-Crisis, post-Crisis, and post-2011, and why this particular story element doesn't seem right to me for the first two.
Pre-Crisis (...okay, mostly the Silver Age): stuffed animal, yes or no?
tl;dr no, requires too much background knowledge on the part of the reader, plus the elephant wasn't a thing until later
Elinore doesn't get created until post-Crisis, but also just generally, pre-Crisis callbacks are more along the lines of this reference in Batman 129 (published in 1960), where, wow, Batman and Robin are hunting jewel thieves - and it turns out Robin recognized this strongman! BUT HOW?!
The comic goes on to recap Dick's entire origin story in flashback, on the assumption that you may not know it.
(BTW, if you'd like to know more about Haly's Circus throughout the years, nightwingology has a great post here summarizing a lot of fun plotlines and characters!)
Basically: Silver Age comics are very self-consciously episodic and kid-friendly; they're not generally gonna do overly-elaborate callbacks because they don't know what comics their kid readers may have randomly picked up or remember.
By the time of post-Crisis, comic books were being written for an adult audience buying from the direct market, i.e. readers who are collecting whole runs & don't need or want Dick's origin story to be recapped to us in full every time it's referenced. That's why in post-Crisis, we get stuff like "hey, neat, this particular soda brand is getting mentioned in several different books!!" or "in order to understand this story arc, buy SIXTEEN DIFFERENT COMICS in FIVE DIFFERENT RUNS and read them ALL ACCORDING TO A NUMBERED ORDER and also you better be following the individual plotlines and recognize these five minor characters who we don't bother to introduce!! Good luck!!" But the elaborate post-Crisis plotlines - and subtler worldbuilding like a stuffed animal callback to Dick's backstory - don't make a lot of story sense UNLESS you're imagining your readers as completionist adult fans.
So IMO a stuffed animal wouldn't be a pre-Crisis thing unless it was The Episodic Story Of the Week, and I don't think a stuffed animal is action-adventure-y enough for the fast-paced storytelling of the Silver Age. (Unless it, like, came to life and tried to eat you or something.)
Post-Crisis: stuffed animals, yes or no?
tl;dr: no, Dick's a manly tough guy, he's not gonna have a stuffed animal, that'd be lame, like something Tim might do
Part of the edgy grimdark adult vibes in 80s/90s comics is that some characters who used to be kinda silly & goofy & lighthearted - like Batman and Robin - get reimagined as Serious and Angsty and Edgy in a Tough Cool Manly Brooding Way. This massively affects characterization for Bruce, Dick, and Bruce and Dick's relationship.
(I obviously love this change & love the tense Bruce-and-Dick interactions, but plenty of fans of the earlier fluffy comics really disliked the edgy retcons of Miller / Wolfman / Starlin / et al.)
The upshot is that post-Crisis is a period when you could have a recurring reference like a stuffed elephant, but you wouldn't have a stuffed elephant, not for Dick. I think a toy like that would be too cutesy / childish / effeminate to give a male character in post-Crisis, unless you were poking fun at him.
Now, you could probably let Tim have a stuffed animal, because Tim is sometimes cool but also sometimes a tryhard loser who is faking being cool and not entirely pulling it off (see e.g. the Robin comic where he practices tough-guy faces in the mirror, or the Teen Titans comic where Conner discovers his cringy Enya CD, or when he's fanboying over Connor and it's awkward, etc etc.). A stuffed animal would be deeply embarrassing, and you'd have to be careful to compensate by having Tim do something cool afterward - but Tim's character concept allows for "he's kind of a loser sometimes."
But Dick isn't!! In post-Crisis, Dick's a tough / impressive / "cool guy" character, the kind of guy anyone would want to be, even in the flashbacks where he's Robin, and even in the stories where he's more lighthearted than angsty. It'd be kinda lame for Dick to have a stuffed elephant, so he wouldn't. I feel like Dick would be more likely to poke fun at it if someone had one, like when he's making fun of Wally for liking the Hardy Boys. Dick could have a Batman action figure, at most, and if he had one he would have it ironically.
Basically: in post-Crisis, a male character hugging a stuffed elephant feels more likely to be a punchline to me, not something poignant. (Even with Tim, Tim could have an embarrassing stuffed animal, but he couldn't hug it when sad - that's too far. Maybe Booster Gold might do this. Probably he wouldn't, but spiritually, he would. Sorry Booster ilu! <3)
Instead, Dick instinctively deals with his inner turmoil like the TORTURED ACTION HERO he is: by punching things and brooding and yelling and joining the mob and sleeping on rooftops and going on obsessive secret missions and acquiring Angsty Stubble!! Just like Batman!
(Technically I don't know if Bruce ever joined the mob but you know he would.)
Anyway as you know this is my favorite continuity and I am poking fun affectionately, but uh, yeah sdfsfdsfs. No stuffed animals.
Post-2011 / Infinite Frontier / Wayne Family Adventures: stuffed animals, yes or no?
tl;dr it's in WFA! Probably not anywhere else, but it could be.
Post-2011 stuff tends to be cutesier overall, most of all in the current Infinite Frontier era. So I don't feel like this would be tonally out-of-line with IF comics. Taylor tends to go for more meme-y references rather than fanfic references, though.
So the obvious best fit is WFA, which is aiming for a rough approximation of Silver Age family-friendly vibes - wholesome, episodic plots, Teaching Good Moral Lessons For The Youth, etc. - plus lots of Easter eggs for fanfic readers and some comic references.
And look, here we are:
Aww.
Whew - that's everything I could find!
Anyway as you can probably tell, I LOVE the elephant, so this was a very entertaining rabbit hole to go down, thank you <3
#dick grayson#anyone with more info feel free to chime in & we can crowdsource <3#i do think the toy elephant is awfully cute though <3#total digression but i was thinking about it as i was writing:#i'm fascinated by the ways that the post-crisis batboys & their stories can intersect with 90s masculinity and all its issues with stoicism#and i'm pro-queering and gender-bending - 90s comics were a total boys' club so i think it's neat that transformative fandom isn't#but i do love 90s masculinity and All Its Issues too & one of the things i find compelling about the dick-tim-bruce trio#& especially dick's place in it - is the unspoken hierarchy whereby bruce is manlier than dick & dick is manlier than tim#and so dick's in the middle as this somewhat softer-character who aspires to be a harsher & more stoic & ultimate manly-man character#caught in the middle between robin & batman & what each role represents#and like. batman is both manhood & the only desirable thing to be AND ALSO it represents this immense narrowing of possibility#because so much of stereotypical masculinity is about reducing the range of emotions you're allowed to have or express#and dick is both incredibly conflicted about bruce AND wants to be just like him & by extension is conflicted about masculinity writ large#so a lot of dick's interactions with tim veer between trying on a frat-boy-ish 'I'm The Manly Guy' persona vs. giving up on it#or trying on imitations of Bruce's Batman persona but also trying to backtrack out of it bc he doesn't like how it feels etc etc#ANYWAY i think what i am trying to say is that if tim had a stuffed animal dick would be entertained & poke mild fun at him#and call him 'teddy' for the next hour or something while tim got increasingly defensive about how the teddy bear was steph's#and/or about how the teddy bear was OLD and tim doesn't even care about it and also WHATEVEr i'm above this#and to an uninformed observer this might look like bullying BUT ACTUALLY#this ritual would IN FACT be very reassuring to both of them + tim would feel WAY better afterward than if dick had ignored it#because by poking fun at him dick shows he still respects tim enough to tease him thus subtextually exorcising the threat of wimpiness#plus allowing tim to defend himself & demonstrate that he can take a joke so they've both reaffirmed their masculinity to each other#& they don't have to be scared of the teddy bear and all it represents anymore#however also afterward dick would have a brief nostalgic flashback to when he was a kid & had a teddy bear & feel weird about the memory#because he would be unable to articulate to himself that what he misses is a past when he allowed himself to be vulnerable#anyway this wouldn't actually happen in comics but it's what would happen in my soul. you know.#ask tag#zitka
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Wait a minute...
Edward the Third was an Arthuriana nerd who named his son after Sir Lionel, and...
...made up a title for him, which....
...had previously existed in Arthuriana and didn't refer to a place. Coincidence?
Probably.
Well, darn. That would've been very interesting. Then again, maybe the knowledge that Edward III was such a nerd he named his son after Sir Lionel is enough to ask.
#It still is interesting#I learned a bit today#but it would've been even more entertaining if Edward III had pulled his son's title out of the medlit#albeit possibly annoying for the kid#A fandom name and a fandom title#I did know about the Lionel LARPing thing#It's hard to miss#but I hadn't given much thought to that title#sir lionel#arthuriana#arthurian legend#Edward III#Duke of Clarence
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hardly a hot take in the year two thousand twenty-four but the original "part of your world" is so incredible. the emotion and earnestness of jodi benson's performance, the simple sweep and swell of the orchestration...it was written for a very specific visual accompaniment, but even divorced from it, it is so married to its setting and characters in everything from the lyrics to the choice of instrumentation. it pushes! it pulls! quiet moments flank every big swell, yet the song never loses its momentum, never forgets how strongly ariel feels about the surface world. howard ashman you will never be forgotten, this song truly changed the world
#compare this to let it go...absolute show-stopper performance. but it could be put in any movie even with the ice metaphors#i like the music in frozen a lot. it is so entertaining. but it doesn't make me want to weep and scream the way the little mermaid does#like tarzan has a pop soundtrack but it feels more acclimated to its story. it's possible. phil went off#phil ALSO made RADIO VERSIONS of all the songs so you could enjoy BOTH!!!!!! GOD#i am not beating the disney adult allegations i fear#bolt watches things
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Thinking about how Alex was friends/teammates with Jules and watched his accident and then had to replace him and how similar the circumstances of that was to todays incident with the truck on track in an aquaplane zone. Honestly will be ever learn? And similar to when the FIA decided to penalise Pierre at Suzuka last year too :////
the way i got out of bed at 5:54 am and turned on my computer just to answer this ask because YES. i feel like a lot of people forget that jules and alex were teammates in f1 and that moment with the truck must have brought up a lot of terrible memories. and then he got a freaking penalty for it?? like... what did you want him to do?? as cass (@nico-di-genova) mentioned in one of their posts... he lifted as soon as he saw the yellow and then locked up which is what made him almost slide into the truck. there's not much else he could have done in that scenario and the truck just should not have been there.
cass and i have talked before about how horrible it must have felt for alex to have to replace jules after his accident and how at first he was supposed to race in the sochi gp THE WEEK AFTER but the team decided to run only one car (and for once the fia did the right thing and didn't penalise them for it).
in an interview in 2022 alex commented on that decision saying 'of course, a few days later, we made the decision, as a team and out of respect for his family, not to drive this car, it was too premature, it was a great relief for me. i didn't want to drive the car on a weekend like that.' and in that same interview alex compared jules to max saying that jules was on the same level as max in terms of talent and ability and went on to say that during his time at manor he himself was 'never at his level in terms of talent or performance, and he had an eye on the future, waiting for his chance.'
so yes i 100% agree with you on thinking of jules when that i saw that clip of alex going off and almost hitting the truck.
i was actually unaware of the pierre incident 'cause i'm very new to f1 but i looked it up and yeah... it really feels like they never learn, huh... (at least the fia admitted that they made a mistake there and they've implemented new procedures since to hopefully avoid another such incident in the future).
but yeah... very much feeling for alex now and for pierre last year 'cause those incidents must feel especially horrendous for those drivers in particular.
#replies#anon#f1#formula 1#indycar#alexander rossi#jules bianchi#pierre gasly#this got fucking long#but i just get so fucking pissed when the people who control motorsports don't show proper respect for the drivers and their safety#(and don't even get me started on the fans who complain about the safety features on todays cars#like kindly.... fuck off with that bullshit)#tagging for myself and so SOME people realise just how fucking dangerous motorsports is#so maybe they could respect the drivers a bit more#like there are drivers i don't personally like but i still respect the fuck out of them for going out there every race weekend#and LITERALLY RISK THEIR LIVES FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT#the least we could do is give them all the safety features possible#anyway... now i'm off back to bed
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the tudors (2007-2010) / wolf hall (2009) / henry viii & the king's men (2020) / eustace chapuys to the emperor (june 1535) / the other boleyn girl (2008) / the downfall and execution of a tudor queen (2023) / eustace chapuys to the emperor (april 1536) / henry viii, stratford festival production (2019) / wolf hall (2009) / elizabeth i & her enemies (2017) / the mirror & the light (2020) / becoming elizabeth (2022) / the mirror & the light (2020) / the tudors (2007-2010) / the mirror & the light (2020) / the tudors (2007-2010)
#'she sees who is the master now' top ten cremuel freak moments#wolf hall crit#web weaving#(repeating the sources is kind of ...well. repetitive#but for the purpose of critique; necessary#altho you can argue this is just cromwell sort of...calcifying? callusing? over time. whatever the word is#but if he truly believes that elizabeth is going to 'live to thank him'......#again idk if this is intentional lol#mantel going 'not hardly' with that line from margaret pole#i don't think she meant them to be connected tbh#bcus that sounds more like plausible deniability for himself.#elizabeth won't remember (you were not yet five). but/so she'll live to thank him#granted. he has no reason to expect she would ever become queen#he dies before even the 1543 act so as far as he knew it wasn't possible 1536-#but you know. what she would have learned from parker and alesius... maybe even kat herself. despite cromwell's patronage#not hardly#i think it folds into his 'i will protect the gospel better'#it's not guilt or even really the suggestion of guilt. he is very explicitly not thinking about anne as he promotes her daughter's educatio#had elizabeth indeed lived to 'thank' him... hmm. delulu. but entertaining it....#i mean; it's almost impossible. she would've thought of him as mary thought of cranmer. if not even more intensely . because what was#done to catherine and mary was not equal to what happened to anne and by extension elizabeth#there were similarities but it was not on the same level
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I have a hypothesis that having something to watch and look forward to every week (or at least in a regular time intervals) is more significant and beneficial to people's mental health more than one could think
It's both important because of the enrichment factor, but also from the perspective of having something positive to look forward to every week at a set time, guaranteed to appear no matter of what happened in your life, the state of your mood and where are you currently in life
As well as being delivered in manageable doses, not causing overwhelm, not taking up enough time to be disorderly to your schedule
I feel it's especially important to neurodivergent people, but also being a net positive in neurotypicals as well
It's generally a comforting presence that makes us feel a little bit more in control in the face of everything else that might be going on at the while
I feel like entertainment is generally more significant to our lives than it's often regarded as
We need to unwind in a controlled way on a regular basis
#txt#fandom#binging#binge watching#streaming#binge culture#binge watching is nothing but stressful and overwhelming#it's like having to eat a whole delicious cake by yourself at once#and as fast as possible#yeah it's good but you're not going to appreciate the flavor and you might choke or feel nauseous at the end#nothing starting with 'binge' is ever going to be a healthy option#come to think everything political aside i feel people are more stressed now because even entertainment is out of our control#it's also community-building and many other factors that make the communities look barren without it now#entertainment and its role of community building and schedule setting#as well as emotional regulation
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People who fancy themselves intellectuals on this hellsite love to condescendingly bring up fandom issues to minimise them or go on about whataboutisms when the question simply is do you think people deserve to be told they ought to die or be abused over fiction and fantasies or nah
#''uwu fiction and reality have a complex relationship akchtually'' no shit. literally the only people who doubt this are the ones who#started making problems for everyone else. sorry you were too busy acting like you're above it all to notice#(why are you even bringing it up then?)#i'm pretty positive most people in fandom would love it if it was possible to go back to openly entertaining complex discussions about the#matter in more general settings and not isolated communities. if only Some People weren't always ready to start harassing others#over things that in the grand scheme of things don't really matter that much :)#but well. for how Above It All they like to act these people always do turn out to be anti-lites so...#fiction talk#+ another thing that annoys me is the whole. ''what do these terms even mean there's like 10 definitions🙄'' like.#eg i don't call myself proship because despite its origin as a term it Does give off the impression that this is just about ships#but still it does mean ''i mind my own damn business'' and that's what pretty much everyone who self identifies with it will tell you#so really. is it really that confusing. is it. or did you just ask what it meant to an ~anti~ and got Their definitions of it.#mytext
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Anybody else slowly disassociating more and more as you slowly lose all of your touchstones in this world?
#it can't be just me right#also i am stoned and can't sleep why is it already past 2am damn#disassociation#no close family any more#one half sister where we have a weird relationship because i basically raised her for a while#so when we're around each other we just remind each other of our horrific childhoods and various mental health issues from that#all of my friends either live too far away are too busy with their own lives and loves (understandable) or have just forgotten me#starting to feel like I imagined that whole fling with d#but geez it'd be pretty pathetic if even a romance I made up in my head didn't end up with someone choosing me#then again I have trouble enjoying fantasies too far from the realm of possibility and maybe it's just not realistic to have someone want me#as more than a passing entertainment lol#anyway every day i feel less like a real person and more like a ghost or something imaginary or like a stranger in my own body#dang man i wish i could afford therapy i probably could use some huh#although my last therapist was pretty lackluster honestly#mental health#life of faye
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i miss dq11 so much it was a really comforting place and i was really fixated on it for a long time but i feel guilty playing it because of how much i have already
and also i dont really know what else to do in it..
i wish i could go back in time like a few years ago and play for the first time again and indulge myself in that obsession all over again
#when i beat dq11 for the first time i immediately started another file with draconian quests and played it again#and then i did that like 9 more times i just wanted to see evrything and try everything and play the game in every possible way#like with all the different skill tree / weapon paths.. and try various challenges like weaponless / or spells only or abilities only etc.#I MISS THEM!!!!!!!#my absolute favorite things to do in dq11 were really hard challenge runs with all draconian quests and weaponless and everhthing ridiculou#because i liked watching the characters suffer in battle and get shypox and die all the time.#but it was out of love#also it felt satisfying to make progress that way.. and i think shypox makes the combat more entertaining and unpredictable#even though it was kinda aggravating sometimes
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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my parents aren't abusive in any way, but living with them is like... letting your kid cousin play with a prized collection, gritting your teeth and hoping for them to be done with it soon, knowing any second something could be broken, and anyway you'll have to put the whole thing back together right afterwards. and like the kid cousin, you gotta not necessarily keep an eye on them, but always be on call, thinking about WHAT the kid might be doing and WHERE they are, so you don't make them feel too unsuported or unheard
#i genuinely don't think it's even BAD parenting i think i just started snowballing into really long-term issues very young#and what is a parent to do in this situation with a kid that can't express things clearly with limited time with so many factors#so here i am. to the stage where i'm worsening my own problems all by myself#cuz yknow they didn't tell me DO THIS AND THIS AND THIS like last month or anything#but they do have repeatedly told me in the moments and in retrospect at various ages#that what i was doing was weird and incomprehensible and ''abnormal for that age''#and now i have the obsessive need to repay even a little bit of the infinitely deep pit of what i owe to them#i should spend time with them i should eat with them i should never cost them anything and repay the debt as soon as i can#i should go places with them and follow them and follow them and follow their pace of life#i should be there all the time and also leave them alone whenever they want and i should guess when they want to be together or alone#and nothing will happen if i don't! nothing! they will do nothing! nothing bad!#but i feel like i should fucking slit my throat if i don't!#every second i live with them i keep digging my debt and being the worst child there's ever been#if i were to live apart every second would be the EXACT SAME except even more expensive#i'm so close to just asking my mom if i can sort of squat grandma's flat until it's emptied#but like. like. what's even the point. what even is the point of a symbolic distance of One Kilometer#that's fucking selfish and stupid to even entertain the possibility#but like at least i think i could work more#and better#i should've fucking gone through with it this summer#broadcasting my misery#vent
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nepo babies =/= person from a rich family i always thought?
#i thought a nepo baby was specifically someone whose parents/relatives are in the entertainment/arts industries#like taylor swift isnt a nepo baby she just had rich parents?? they bought her way into a music career but with their money not any#connections they had in the music industry previously.#whereas like…Ben Platt would be a nepo baby because he is a stage and film actor and his father is a film producer and produced films#that star him.#that’s not really to say that one is better or worse than the other and i don’t really care about the discourse either way#(people being upset their fave don’t have an organic by-merits-alone rise to fame story kind of confuse me because it seems like a very#modern and out of reality way of thinking)#like i get that people are getting undeserved opportunities through (1) money (2) connections and then putting out subpar art which sucks#but i do kind of think that ultimately you can’t trick people THAT MUCH. kim kardashian threw a bunch of money at a music career and it#never went anywhere because she simply was not good and no one liked it.#billie elish has rich parents but no matter your personal taste you can’t deny she's found success because she has an audience for whom her#music resonates. idk if she would be as successful if her parents didn’t have money and she didn’t have the opportunities that gave her#and certainly there are millions of people as good or better than her at music (if you can even quantify it in that simplistic of a way) wh#will never get the opportunities she has had that gave her success but i also don’t think she would be as successful as she is if she was#less talented.#also this is literally the worst time in history to be worried about nepo babies lol not saying that no one should complain about nepotism#casting but like we are in the golden age of people achieving artistic success through grassroots means thanks to the internet#getting an audience for work that resonates with people without the machine of the entertainment industry backing you is more possible than#ever before#also and i only have to say this in this exactly corner of the internet#if you are a monarchist you can’t use the term nepo baby#sorry you just can’t
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#Now I feel like there are so many possibilities with this#Like. For the Milligan one. Is he evil because he is sad about his dead wife and he really did lose Kate?#That would be a good AU#Evil Mr. Benedict would probably want revenge on Nathaniel or something#I feel like seeing Sticky’s parents in this dynamic would be more entertaining than his aunt#However. If his aunt is evil because she is sad his parents died or she killed them; that could be interesting#I can’t even imagine Miss Perumal as a villain. I feel like she’d be unstoppable#the mysterious benedict society#mysterious benedict society#tmbs#tmbs disney#mbs#miss perumal#dipika perumal#nicholas benedict#constance contraire#reynie muldoon#sticky washington#kate wetherall#milligan wetherall
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well I just spent an hour digging through my own dnd notes and social media and also almost cried because I mentioned, in passing, something justin had said about one of his NPCs and he, completely lightheartedly, was like '?? I don't remember that at all. [I mean I'm not making it up?] I think you might be making it up 😏'
#me-- instantly stressed and near tears: I know you're joking and it's not even important but. that isn't funny. to me.#I really wish there was a term for 'gaslighting but they're not doing it on purpose'#this is distinct from simply 'being wrong' because 'that's definitely not what happened 🤨' is a key part of it#the other person trying to convince me that I'm wrong and I must be crazy-- not for manipulation purposes but because THEY forgot#and are MUCH more confident in the possibility that I'm completely full of shit than that they maybe can't remember exactly#this is an extraordinarily specific thing that nonetheless happens to me ASTONISHINGLY OFTEN.#I mean clearly often enough that I'm now hair-trigger sensitive upset about it#AND TO CLARIFY QUICKLY-- that's not what justin even did (this time) but 'well I don't remember that' is still...#OKAY WELL I DO. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER BELIEVE ME.#trembling and crying searching for Receipts while explaining to my husband that it's not even that I don't think he believes me (this time)#I just. I just. I just. I'm not fucking crazy. I know you don't think I'm crazy. but I still feel like I Have to prove it.#my mom sending a package to the wrong address and then saying-- confidently and irritably-- 'you never GAVE me a unit number'#when I can scroll back up through texts to where I sent her our new address when we moved and it was complete and correct#my friend during our big stupid fight saying 'no one actually AGREED to that [dnd] plan except you and justin 😒'#going back into my audio recording to that conversation where everyone BUT him agreed#including his fucking pick-me 'yeah jay's being shitty right now' brother whose character said 'this sounds like a good plan' verbatim#like. I KNOW it's not just 'my memory vs theirs and we both assume we're right'#because SO OFTEN when this happens I have FUCKING RECEIPTS. that I'M NOT WRONG OR CRAZY.#no one ever wants to entertain the notion that I might know what I'm talking about.#I can't stress enough that I'm not mad at justin right now he was very much 'no I believe you! it's weird that I don't remember though'#which is fair! honestly! but I'm a LITTLE. sensitive. of the fact that everyone always ALWAYS automatically assumes I'm incorrect#and very often in a way that's a mark against my competence or character.#'well *I* couldn't *possibly* have gotten the address wrong so YOU must have fucked it up'#you know. it's like that. it's like that a lot.#maybe this only happens to me so much because I happen to be cursed with remembering things better than most people#or maybe I'm uniquely viewed as incompetent. who can say.#about me
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