#possible dysphoric feelings

[cinderswrites]

P R E T T Y :: 30 Fics in 30 Days

10518 / 30000 words. 35% done!

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This challenge is something I made based off the 30k November challenge. I plan on writing one short story per day every day of November, and since I know I'll probably blow past the 30k mark, I changed the name.

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"Pretty" is a story about feeling unseen, losing motivation, and wanting to let your real self be shown to the world.

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WC: 1,958 :: CW: feelings of low self-esteem, possible dysphoria

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“God, can you believe that guy was all over me?”

The door to the hotel room opened as Link stepped through with one of his friends and co-workers, Anna. Their laughter echoed in the large suite as the both of them dumped their belongings onto one of the tables and sat on the couch. As they both settled in, pulling their phones out and checking their influencer accounts, Link looked up and studied her face for a moment.

“He didn’t like… touch you inappropriately, right?” he asked.

Anna looked up and shook her head, “No, he wasn’t handsy at least.”

That made him feel better. While Anna was a model just like him, she was more of the ‘girl next door’, Plain Jane type. He felt awful for even thinking that, but she was beautiful in that way. Meanwhile, he was considered the very definition of ‘pretty boy’, with his blond hair and baby blue eyes and perfect skin.

He stretched out and sank into the couch, letting the silence settle between them. They always shared a room when they were going to be shooting in the same city. It was a way to keep themselves safe, and also not to get too lonely while away from their respective hometowns. One of his tattooed hands reached up to brush through his golden locks as he checked his messages.

He had thousands of DMs from creepy men wanting to get to know him. They were all purely based on the pictures he posted, and the music he shared. That same disjointed feeling settled into him.

wow ur hot let’s hook up

hey baby

why don’t you come to my flat?

such a pretty face deserves to be-

He didn’t finish reading that particular message. By now, his blocked section in his settings held almost the same number of followers he had, which were approaching a million. Even without his influencer status, people tended to recognize him because he had modeled for several large and popular clothing store brands. His face was in every city.

He only became more popular when he started modeling for makeup brands. He was always used as a testament to how well a foundation could provide coverage, given his heavily tattooed body. Link reached up to fiddle with one of his Dahlia piercings, sighing.

“What’s up, buttercup?” Anna glanced at him over her phone.

“Nothing, just… god, I am so tired of all these jerks in my DMs trying to hit on me,” he frowned.

“Any good ones?” she snickered softly.

He rolled his eyes, “Oh, just the usual. ‘You’re hot’, ‘let’s hook up’, ‘I know what that pretty face can be used for’.”

Anna faked a gag, “How do you handle it?” she asked.

“Block,” he snorted. “Instantly. Then just move on from it, I guess.”

“Yeah, but it’s gotta be eating away at you,” she said this in a thoughtless way, her eyes returning to her own phone. “I don’t even get nearly as many messages as you.”

Link clenched his jaw a bit. While he liked rooming with Anna, she… had a tendency to be catty like that. He suddenly wasn’t in the mood to sit in the shared space with her anymore, “I’m gonna shower and probably head down to the lounge. See what’s up.”

“Cool. Call me if you need help or something. I’ll be up for a few hours yet,” she waved him off.

Link walked to his room and closed the door, leaning against it. He tossed his phone on the dresser and headed to his bathroom, turning on the water in the large walk-in shower. Steam filled the room as he slowly undressed. He looked at himself in the mirror, leaning in close to examine his face.

Still perfect.

S t i l l p r e t t y.

With a scowl, he turned away and walked into the shower, wincing at first for how hot the water was, but then he relaxed. Twenty minutes later, he was out and putting on a new set of clothes. A pair of well-fitted dark blue jeans, a black mesh shirt, and a teal plaid flannel buttoned up halfway. He dug through his little bag of jewelry, pulling out a silver chain to wear around his neck. He also put on some rings; they helped if he had to defend himself from any ‘touchers’.

He walked back to the bathroom and combed out his hair, leaving it to air dry. Once he was finished, he put his boots back on, grabbed the switchblade he always carried, and made sure he had his phone and wallet. He left the hotel suite and headed down to the lounge where there was a bar and people to mingle with if he was so inclined.

It was busy, of course. It was Friday night at an expensive resort hotel after all. He waded through throngs of bodies pressing close to each other, the sound of music thumping against his sensitive eardrums. He located the bar and moved to an emptier side of it, sitting on the stool and leaning forward with his arms on the bar top.

It didn’t take long before the bartender came around, asking him what he’d like to drink. “Whiskey and ginger ale,” he said. He was feeling a little more down than usual tonight.

As the bartender moved away to make his drink, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Pulling it out, he saw notifications for several new DMs. His full lips pursed together before he scoffed quietly and shoved the device back into his pocket. He wasn’t in the mood.

Once his drink was in front of him, he wrapped his slender hands around the glass, looking at the amber liquid inside. He took a slow drink, feeling the burn and fizz from the carbonation slide down his throat. His eyes were downcast as he tried not to focus on that disjointed feeling again.

Feeling like the whole world only saw him as eye candy. Someone spoiled with good looks and money to do whatever he wanted with. Someone who had no personality aside from pretty.

When all of it was far from the truth. So far he sometimes wondered what it would be like to reveal everything to the public. How he had been left on his father’s doorstep as a newborn and never knew his mother.

How his father had trained him in the art of combat using knives of different shapes and sizes. Crafting him into the perfect little killer he wanted him to be.

And how, after all that training, his father had abandoned him as well at fourteen. Leaving Lincoln Hayes to struggle to survive and to channel that training in order to get what he wanted and take care of himself.

He scoffed again, shaking his head, and took a larger drink this time.

“Oof, bad night, love?”

The familiar voice made him sit up straight and turn around with wide eyes. Behind him was a tall man with broad shoulders and dark hair that curled down around his neck. He had a hint of stubble on his face and kind brown eyes. “Ray,” he blinked. “What are you doing here?”

The man chuckled and walked forward to take a seat next to him, intentionally brushing his shoulder against the blond’s. “In town on business,” he said simply. “I know you like this chain of hotels, so I thought I’d stop by, see if you were here.”

“Oh…” Link turned back to looking down at the glass in his hands.

Ray was an affluent businessman who owned a chain of niche boutiques meant for the wealthy. They’d met when Ray hired Link for a modeling gig and became close during and after the shoot. They weren’t exactly a couple, but they weren’t… not a couple, either. It confused Link, but he didn’t want to trouble the older man with labels and questions.

He didn’t want to be that person.

Ray’s arm wrapped around Link, his hand rubbing the spot between his shoulder blades where he knew Link carried a lot of his stress. “Talk to me, love,” he said in that gentle but rumbling tone of his. “What’s going on?”

“I just… I don’t know. I’m wondering if modeling is even worth it anymore,” he admitted quietly.

“Why do you feel that way?” his friend—lover?—asked.

Link took another drink of his whiskey, thinking about it. “I feel like anyone who meets me just sees the ‘model’ and not ‘me’,” he stated, “and it… I don’t know. I sound like a child, but it hurts my feelings, you know? I’m not just a model…”

“You’re so much more than that,” Ray finished for him. He pulled the younger man against his side in a half-embrace, brushing his fingers through those soft golden tresses. “It’s not my place to say whether or not you should continue your work, but if you’re not finding joy in it anymore… then maybe it’s time for you to take a step back and re-evaluate what you want from yourself and out of life.”

He took in Ray’s words, his head resting against his shoulder, grateful for the comfort and attention he was giving him. If there was anyone in the world that he missed most when he was traveling to modeling jobs, it was Ray. The older man was always there for him when he was around, and not just in a physical way.

“… Thanks,” he murmured, “you always just show up and know what to say.”

“It helps when you always post about what city you’ll be working in,” Ray chuckled again, and the sound made Link close his eyes and wish he could wrap himself up in it.

“Stalker,” he mumbled.

Ray continued stroking his hair, a soft look on his face with a hint of amusement. “Only for you, love,” he murmured, turning to kiss the top of his head sweetly. “Would you like to come up to my room? Spend tonight with me.”

Link pulled away and looked at him, studying his face for a few seconds. “Are you just going to leave again in the morning like last time?” he knew he sounded like a spoiled brat, but he couldn’t help the way he wanted Ray to stay. Even if it was only temporary.

Ray moved his hand to pinch his cheek playfully, “Are you missing me that much?”

“Sugar, I miss you the moment you start walking away,” Link pouted, turning his face away.

“Hm,” Ray hummed, dropping his hand. He tilted his head, looking over Link’s sour expression. “Why don’t you leave with me? Accompany me on some business trips. Take a little break from all this. While you’re away, you can think more about what you want to do.”

Link looked at him in shock, his blue eyes widening. “Y-you mean that? Y-you want me… with you?” his tone was almost whisper-soft.

Ray smiled at him, nodded. “Guess I’ve been missing you just as much, love,” he reached for Link’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Link had to bite the inside of his lip to keep it from trembling. He looked away as his eyes became watery and gave a little nod, “… Yeah. I would love to join you.”

“Then it’s settled. We’ll collect your things from your room in the morning,” Ray got off the stool and gently pulled Link to his feet. “Come on, let’s get comfortable and watch a movie or something. Just relax tonight, okay?”

Link stepped closer, hugging Ray around the waist and nuzzling his face into his shoulder. The man always knew just what he needed. “Okay.”

[clownpassing]

I feel so like. Isolated in my specific gender identity lately

[plutotheforgotten]

Hey cis people, just so you know no trans person has ever wanted to know what your thoughts on their gender is! Just keep it to yourself! You’re entitled to your thoughts and opinions but I sure as hell have no interest in knowing what they are! Thanks!

[lemonnbug]

Might be getting a binder soon.idk for sure

[brothersonahotelbed]

kind of. thinking about putting he/him pronouns away on a shelf for a later time when i can truly embrace masculinity without feeling like im pretending at it.

[moe-broey]

.................... Guess who gave himself a shit ass haircut and got haunted by another shaggy haired blonde about it.

[mister-bloom]

Rate your muse’s traits 0-10!

Compassion: 3/10 Bitterness: 1/10 Happiness: 4/10 Politeness: 7/10 Chivalry: 3/10 Pride: 10/10 Honesty: 5/10* Bravery: 10/10 Recklessness: 10/10 Ambition: 10/10 Loyalty: 0/10 Love: 2/10 Sense of family: 0/10 Attractiveness: ?/10* Agility: 8/10 Sex drive: 2/10

Tagged by: @red-hemlock Tagging: @no-rose-without-a-thorne @hisrighthandman @d-d-disgusting @the-last-laugh @yieldingdreams (for puck) and anyone else who wants to

[butchcharliee]

the tags are about top surgery as per usual lol (the tags got all messed up :/ the "if you're having doubts".. was supposed to be in quotes and the second tag wtf and the "if you have doubts it's not for you" was supposed to be in between 'and for someone to say.. it's just not fair' ) sorry this post is all over the place 😭

[tkbrokkoli]

just had the worst hair cut experience :(

[sp00ky-scary]

being a trans dude is kind of annoying because I think I could be a pretty girl but unfortunately I cannot be that and before you go "you can do that anyway" um I have ✨severe gender dysphoria✨

[caspalooza]

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of death in itself but I AM afraid of dying before I ever get the chance to live as myself. The fact that if I died right now, the world and my family would just go on misremembering me, some of them willfully, as the wrong person forever is so horrifying to me. I'd rather everybody forget I ever existed at all

[jellyloveru]

man. dysphoria sucks.

[daggers-drawn-returns]

Please Help a Homeless Transgender Woman Afford Her Hormones and a Gym Membership to Have Access to a Shower and Locker to Keep Her Belongings Safe

November 2nd 2024

Hi, I'm Thistle Ishtar Daggers-Drawn and I'm a homeless transgender woman living on the street. I have been blessed by all of you with support for awhile and it's really been making my life so much better and in some cases just plain possible. Thank you all so much!

Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble with people walking up to me while I'm sleeping and taking my stuff. I've lost a lot of valuable and sentimental belongings like this.

It would help me a lot to have a membership to the local gym which is on the same block as where I sleep. I would have access to a locker, showers, electricity, wifi, and some nice things like the sauna and hot tub which would help all the body aches from sleeping on concrete. The gym is also a UPS access point where I can receive mail. It would cost around $50 for a three month membership.

I also haven't had my hormones in about 6 months and I'm feeling super dysphoric. It would cost about $100 to be able to order a 6 month supply from pharmaceutical manufacturers in China. It means so much to me to be able to continue my hormonal transition!

Please help me raise $150 to afford access to a locker, shower, wifi, electricity, mail, and hormones!

Cash App: $ThistleDD

Venmo: @ThistleDD

Thank you for your support so far! If you can't donate, reblogging and sharing make a world of difference!

[genderqueerdykes]

being trans is so fucking expensive no matter how you identify, epecially if you're dysphoric and pursue social and/or medical transition. name changes. hormones. hormone blockers. surgeries. shaving products. the Pink Tax on everything feminine. makeup. starting your wardrobe over from scratch. finding clothes that don't make you feel like you wanna crawl out of your own skin, but also fit you. prescriptions, vitamins, lotions, surgery recovery supplies, and supplements to assist with medical transition. binding, tucking, and packing supplies. facial/body reconstruction procedures. laser hair removal. hair re/growth medications. breastforms. the list just goes on and on. we have to pay in order to be ourselves in the most extreme ways possible. there's a tax on gender & biological sex.

[erinelliotc]

A few years ago I used to be that annoying "transmasc lesbians don't exist, this shit is harmful and invalidates both transmascs and lesbians" person, and now I'M the transmasc lesbian. Seems like the tables have turned, huh?

I've spent so many months, years, trying so hard to fit into these categories that I saw so many people talk about as if it were the definitive truth, and this shallow and simplistic vision seems to be gaining a lot of attention and traction here in Brazil. Isn't it ironic to free yourself from cisnormativity and heteronormativity and all these binary boxes to find yourself again trying to fit into other boxes and norms that don't actually describe your experience correctly? Because your experience with gender is so chaotic and confusing (as expected of a nonbinary identity, and even more so if you're neurodivergent too) that there's no simple way to describe it. Then when you find out what describes this, people say you can't identify yourself that way because two or more of your identities are "incompatible". I see people treating non-binarity as if it were an exact science, as if it were math, as if it were something simple and logical, as it is precisely the escape from what has been established in our society as the only two possible options, generating countless identities within a gray area outside this black and white vision, so of course it's something complex, abstract and subjective.

EDIT: One of my reasons for thinking this way was that I ignored that the transgender experience and the cisgender experience aren't and will never be equivalent. It's obvious that a cis man can't be a lesbian, but the same doesn't go for transmasc people, and I thought that admitting that was the same as being transphobic, denying the masculinity of transmascs, denying their male identity. I already had a debate on Twitter because people didn't want to admit that trans men and transmasc people in general can suffer misogyny and male chauvinism (as society can still see and treat us as women) because they also saw it as the same as saying transmasc people are women. The identity of trans people is a very complex experience that involves a series of factors that cis people will never experience. We cannot equate the trans experience with the cis experience.

I thought identifying as a butch lesbian was enough to describe my masculinity, but I realized that I felt like it didn't encompass everything I felt, I still felt like something was missing. Preventing and depriving myself of identifying with more explicit masculine identities was actually making me feel bad and dysphoric. So yeah, I've been avoiding identifying with male-aligned identities because I thought that would mean having to stop identifying as a lesbian, and I didn't want that, and I don't really feel like calling myself straight makes any sense.

I have a text in Portuguese talking about my experience as a butch lesbian, and I feel that now it also serves to describe my experience as a nonbinary transmasc (the part where I talk about not identifying with "traditional masculinity", but with a "different type", like "soft masculinity", is directly related to the fact that, in addition to being nonbinary, I don't identify as a man, I don't feel comfortable with the term "man", but rather with "boy"). I spent a few months wondering whether I was libramasculine or boyflux, and I ended up deciding that if I can't identify which one I am, maybe it makes more sense to just adopt both identities, maybe I am both then! I'm tired of trying to fit into supposed rules about being nonbinary. This is exactly how non-binarity shouldn't be. I'm supposed to feel free, not trapped again. My identity is my identity and that's nobody's business.

[reareaotaku]

Mary is the Girl that I wanna Fuck

Summary: As Miles' only friend, you are often put into uncomfortable positions, because he doesn't understand the difference between friends and lovers; Not when it comes to you Pairings: Yandere! Miles Fairchild x Fem! Reader Tw: Slight NSFW Part 2: She's the Only Girl I wanna Love

You tapped your pen on the desk as the teacher droned on and on. Your eyes roamed the classroom, before they landed on your best friend, Miles. Some people didn't like Miles, but you think it's because they didn't understand him. He was just... well, different, it wasn't his fault. Or at least that's what you told yourself.

He must have felt your stare, because he turned around making eye contact with you, before smiling and waving at you. You quickly returned the gesture, before you grabbed some paper, wrote a note, put it on the floor and pushed it towards him. He looks towards the teacher, making sure she wasn't looking before grabbing the paper and opening it up.

'God, does she ever shut up? Blah blah blah... This class blows'

Miles feels a smile grow on his face. He quickly writes down a response, before tossing it back to you on the ground. He watches as you open the note, your mouth dropping, before your face turns a bright red. You looked up at Miles, seeing him thoroughly enjoying your reaction.

'Hope it isn't the only thing that blows'

If someone else were to see it, they wouldn't think too much about it, but you knew what he meant. You pushed the note in your bag, before looking back at the teacher and ignoring his knowing looks.

---

As the bell rings, you hurry to get your stuff packed. You feel someone standing over you and look up to see the man of the hour, Miles. You tilt your head, giving him a knowing look. A smirk overtakes his face when seeing the knowing look.

"Really funny joke."

"Only for you."

"Haha," You sarcastically joke, before rolling your eyes. You pull your bag up to your shoulder and walk with him out of the class.

"You got any plans for the break?"

You look at him a little confused. What would you possibly do during the break? Your home was across the globe and there was no reason for you to go back home, it's not like your parents would be there. "Plans?"

"Yeah. Plans. Like, are you staying at the dorms? Or are you going home?"

"Why would I go home?"

"Do you want to come to my place?"

You were surprised by his suggestion. He had never suggested you to come visit his place, especially since his parents had died. He never like going back home, so you usually spend it at the school.

"Your place?"

He looks at you like it was the dumbest question in the world, "Yeah. That's what I said."

"I-uh um.. Wow, uh, well-"

His brows frowned at your hesitation. Did you not want to spend time with him? You always spent breaks together, even before his parents' death, so why were you now resilient. Anger grew behind his eyes, but he quickly shook it off, not wanting start a fight, because then you really wouldn't want to go.

You rub the back of your neck, before reluctantly agreeing to go to his place for the holidays and his face lit up in a way you haven't seen in months- Not since... Well, yeah.

---

You don't know why you were surprised when you went over to his house, because you lived in a similar place, but it had been so long since you had been in a big home that it was kind of dysphoric.

He practically drags you around the place and showing you all around the house. He even takes you out to the stable showing you his favorite horse. A dark black horse, whose name you couldn't remember. He wanted to take you horse-back riding, but it was too cold for the horse to be out.

"Here, I want to show you my room. Oh, you'll love it- I can play some music for you." He says, his hand wrapped around your wrist as he drags you to his room, because honestly you didn't have much of a say.

---

"Watch," He pulls at some of the guitar strings, showing you his hands movements, before you follow his movements. He watches you closely as you imitate his movements, but ultimately failed.

You groaned, rolling your eyes, before removing the guitar and setting it to the ground. "This is stupid."

You hear him chuckle and he grabs the arm rest of the chair, pulling you closer to him, "It's not that hard, your fingers just aren't in the right place. Do you want to try ag-"

The door opens and you quickly look over your shoulder to see who it was. It was the Nanny- well Flora's nanny, you think? You didn't know her name, Miles told you it wasn't important. She stood there, looking surprised.

"You have... uh a guest?"

You remove Miles' hands from your body, while looking away from her, feeling awkward. Miles rolls his eyes, glaring at her for ruining a great moment between you and him and she sensed that.

The nanny, Kate, senses Miles' anger and decides to be quick with what she wants to say. "Dinner's ready.... So, um... Yeah- Also, keep the door open."

"Dinner?" You look towards the window, but there was dark curtains covering it, meaning you couldn't see how dark it was. You look back at her, "What time is it?"

"Oh, it's uh..." She looks down at her watch, "10 to 9."

"God, I didn't realize how late it was-" You stand up, but Miles grabs your hand, making you look at him.

"You're staying here, remember?"

Your eyes widen, before you slowly sit back down, "Right... Holiday break.."

He looks past you, making eye contact with Kate, "You can leave. There's no reason for you to stay."

You hit Miles' arm, giving him an annoyed look, "Miles! You don't have to be rude."

"I'm not. But I can be."

---

It was late now, the room nearly pitch dark, the only light from the moon. There was something about the house that gave you chills and you felt like you were being watched. You grabbed at your knees, squeezing them to your chest as you listen to all the sounds of the old house. It was one thing to sleep alone, but a whole nother thing to be alone in an unfamiliar place. You were scared...

You heard the door creak, causing you to freeze and you thought about looking towards the door, but you couldn't. You didn't want to know what was there. You heard it close and footsteps head towards you.

"I'm surprised you're still awake."

You recognized the voice; It was Miles. You looked towards him, letting out a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's just you," You put a hand on your chest, trying to calm down your breath.

"Who else would it be?"

"I don't know."

He sits on the edge of the bed, causing it to dip, before he ends up scooting towards the other side of the bed and laying next to you. "Are you okay?" He pushes some hair out of your face, giving you a worried look. "Are you scared?"

"Of what? Should I be?"

"No... Of course not." He caresses your cheek, a strange emotion swirling in his eyes, "But, do you want me to stay? Just... You know, so you're not so alone?"

"Won't that girl get mad?"

He rolls his eyes, removing his hand from your face, "Who cares what she thinks. She's just some nanny; She doesn't matter." He looks away from you while saying this, but his hand finds yours and grabs it. He then looks down at your intertwined hands, "Besides, she's not here and she'll never know. Come on... Just this once?"

"Okay... Just this once."