#police dog au

[mychlapci]

Day 0 for reactive k9 Prowl living with the Prime is Optimus getting Ratchet to take a look at his new “dog.” Ratchet, of course, protests that hems not a veterinarian—until he actually sees Prowl. Sedated and whining on his stomach on a medical berth, optics hazy with drugs and also visible fear. Mutilated door wings hiked as high up as he can manage to tell everyone to Stay Back. Prowl even bares his teeth as threateningly as he can manage, lips curling over his fangs.

“Oh, hell, Optimus,” Ratchet just sighs. The Prime can only nod gravely. Prowl is, at least, better behaved for medical professionals than any other people. But he’s also feral, terrified, and in pain. He manages to bite Ratchet juuuust a little, holding the medic’s wrist almost gently in between his jaws. Looking kinda stunned that he managed to catch it. Ratchet just tilts his head like “really?” and waits until Prowl releases him with an almost sheepish whine. There are some very tiny tooth-shaped dents left behind, but no real damage. Ratchet ends up having to call in a door wing specialist, but the rest of the damage and stressed systems he takes care of. And then promptly prescribes Prowl anti-anxiety medication because the poor mech is so high strung.

In the weeks to come, feeling infinitely better than he can ever remember feeling, Prowl keeps trying to figure out what the Prime wants him for. He has such a diligent, considerate new owner. Prowl needs to behave and perform well so The Prime knows he’s grateful. After a few weeks, Prowl can only figure he’s supposed to be some kind of cross between a guard dog and a companion animal—why else would anyone treat a k9 so well? Sure The Prime keeps talking to him like he’s a people, but lots of civilian pet owners do that… so perhaps this is normal.

Prowl considers himself quite spoiled these days, actually. Everything here is infinitely nicer than at his precinct, as is befitting a Prime. Definitely not because they were giving the k9s the last and least of everything, no sir. But the food here is Good and Prowl can have as much as he wants. The door to the washrack is left open for him to come and go; dogs don’t open doors if they aren’t propped for them. One time he did get trapped in the washracks when the door shut and had to wait until he heard Prime calling him to bark and whine for help. And also. Prime insists that Prowl is allowed on the furniture. This is the height of luxury. His wings don’t send shoots of fiery pain anymore, his joints don’t ache, there is food *whenever he wants it*! Prowl could literally not be more spoiled.

Optimus, however, could cry at seeing how little it takes to make Prowl happier than anyone has ever seen him. This poor mech is clearly intelligent, and he withers without enough mental stimulation. Prowl is perfectly happy to heel and accompany the Prime anywhere. But he won’t get up and walk and he does not form words no matter what Optimus tries. Clearly it’s too soon to try convincing Prowl that he isn’t a dog, but it grates at him. Still, he tries to provide Prowl with as much dignity as he can. And that includes letting him bite the shit out of Jazz, sometimes.

The day he introduced him, Jazz became Prowl’s mortal enemy number 1. Because Jazz refuses to stop calling him Prowler, invades his personal space, teases and pokes at him, and won’t stop casually touching Optimus. All of which Prowl very visibly hates. He growls at Jazz and revs his engine, and the mech just laughs in his face. Sometimes Prowl’s teeth chitter from the force of trying not to bite him. And then, one day, Optimus simply says “if he bites you, it’s your fault.”

Which Prowl correctly interprets as permission to discipline this interloper! This absolute miscreant! Harrasser of working animals and invader of Primal space!!! And so obviously he bites the shit out of Jazz for sticking his fingers in Prowl’s face. Because saying “aw, he wouldn’t do that, would ya Prowler?” in such a condescending tone of voice is obviously a challenge. Ironically, this is pivotal for Prowl starting to learn that he is, in fact, a person. Prowl’s first real word will be “NO!” in response to Prime trying to invite Jazz over. This is both hilarious and also crucial for his development, so they go out for drinks instead.

Optimus is happy that Prowl has started establishing his own preferences and boundaries, of course. But he nearly cries from joy the first time he finds Prowl curled up in a praxian donut at the foot of his berth pretending to sleep. Subtly watching for his reaction, waiting to see if he’s in trouble. Finally, progress.

Owww… Optimus is so heartbroken that all it takes to make Prowl happy is literally the minimum of decency. He’s probably not constantly in pain for the first time in his life, no longer having to wait for access the washracks, he can go and leave as he pleases, energon is left out for him and he can drink as much as he wants, no longer having to sleep hungry just because the enforcers got busy and forgot to feed the units. Optimus does not know where to go from here… Giving Prowl agency was supposed to make him feel more like a person, but he seems to be convinced he’s just getting spoiled… Of course, this means Prowl is doing his best to be good and obedient for his new master, staying quiet and bowing his head to him, kneeling at his side like a good dog, always doing as he says. Optimus doesn’t know how to explain that he doesn’t need anything in return….

ahsjsjwjs I love that Jazz helps Prowl realize he’s a mech with his own boundaries and opinions. Stupid, annoying idiot! He wants nothing more than to bite him whenever he carelessly touches his owner and Prowl. This disrespect towards his role as the Prime’s companion dog is unacceptable… Jazz and Optimus are so proud.

I love to imagine Prowl sleeping at the foot of Optimus’ bed, testing the waters, pushing the boundaries, maybe… maybe showing him that he too, can sleep in a bed, just like Optimus does.

[unsanitarystation]

was thinking about k9 prowl wetting himself whilst i couldnt sleep last night aughhhhhhh

Back when he's with the enforcers, they have a sort of "washracks" for the K9 units. It's really just an area with hoses and grated drains in the floor for them to spray the units down and let them void their tanks.

It's a scheduled visit every day before the shift starts and after the shift ends. Prowl squats, empties his waste tank, gets hosed down with water, and then he starts his shift. It keeps the dogs presentable.

Sometimes, when they come back, especially if it was a messy patrol and he is spattered with energon, they douse him with solvent first before quickly rinsing his frame off with the same cold water. They never bother to dry him off. If the weather happens to be colder than usual, the drying water wicks what little heat he has off his frame, making his oversensitive doorwings shiver.

So, after he's rescued, when he's given a room and access to a normal washracks... It doesn't register to him. He doesn't understand that he can use those facilities. He wouldn't even leave his own room if he wasn't ordered to or physically brought out by his handlers caretakers

The first few days are fine. They keep bringing him to the medbay. They clean him and wash him in a way that he is not used to whilst he's there. The water is warm and they gently rub the solvent across his plating, between his seams, into his cabling. At first he flinches away, afraid of the digits that would dig into his plating and pull- but he eventually relaxes when it gets too comfortable for him to resist.

But once his basic physical checks are done and they have completed the most serious repairs on his senor panels... They leave him in his room. They come to check on him, to feed him, but they don't bring him out.

Just after a day, his waste tank begins to ache. No trips to the washracks means no chance for him to void. But that's fine. This new precinct has a strange schedule. He is not used to it, but he will be fine. He will adapt. A simple change in schedule would not affect a K9 as well trained as Prowl.

By the end of the day his tanks hurt. He feels so full and bloated and his HUD keeps pinging him about his waste tank's levels. He lays in his bed and squirms, trying to find a position that would relieve some of the pressure. But, every time he shifts, he feels the pang in his lower abdomen and his valve reflexively clenches to try to keep it all in.

Somehow he still manages. He whimpers when he accidentally rolls onto his belly and presses against his waste tank- but he'll live. He just needs to be patient. Good dogs are patient. He will get to void when it's time.

When his handler finally comes to check on him in the morning, he sits up quickly, at attention. But the sudden movement sends a sharp pang through his torso and down to his spasming valve. He stifles a whimper and forces himself not to wince. Keeping his back straight makes him feel every bit over fluid pressing against his waste port.

It hurts.

It hurts, but he keeps quiet.

Maybe this is a punishment. Maybe they are punishing him for being so useless, for using so much of their medical supplies. Or maybe they are testing him. Maybe the new precinct wants to know just how much he can handle.

He struggles to register what his handler says to him as his HUD floods with messages from his failing waste tank and seal. But he manages. Maybe he's shaking a little, but he nods when his handler asks if he is alright and shakes his head when asked if he wants anything.

A good dog doesn't want anything. A good dog takes what it's given.

His handler comes back a few hours later and Prowl is a mess. He lays on the floor, panting and squirming. When he hears pedesteps, he panics, trying to sit up, but the sharp pain in his abdomen makes him curl up on the floor again. He's getting emergency warnings now, his waste tank about to fail anytime-

But he tries his best. He really tries. He whines and clenches his valve so hard he pulls his knees in towards his torso.

His HUD pings again and a short burst of fluid hits his panels.

He desperately clenches his valve again, but the pressure is too much. His valve spasms and another spray of piss leaks into his panels with a whimper. He can feel the warm liquid dribble from behind his panels, smearing onto his thighs as he tries to pull his legs in closer.

But, whatever he does, he's only delaying the inevitable. His seal finally fails as Prowl lets out a quiet but agonised cry. The hot fluid gushes against his still closed panels. Servos desperately press against his increasingly wet groin as if he could hold the piss in, stopping it from leaking out of him, stopping himself making a mess-

His pathetic whimpers fill the room as his piss soaks through his fingers. His face is wet as well when he squeezes his optics shut. Optical solvent leaks along with his waste fluids, leaving Prowl to lie in a pool of his own mess.

It goes on forever. It doesn't stop. His waste keeps flowing and Prowl shakes through every second of it, not daring to look at his handler. His servos are still pressed against his panels, forearms clasped between his drawn up legs.

By the time the flow finally slows to a dribble, Prowl's whimpering tears have morphed into sobs that wrack his frame. His doorwings are held as close to his frame as possible, quivering. His valve pulses a few more times as the last drops of his waste are finally emptied from his tanks.

I was Also thinking about k9 Prowl wetting himself when I was trying to sleep. clever minds never rest, it seems.

... The K9 units were only ever allowed to empty their waste tanks twice a day, much like a regular pet, once in the morning, and once in the evening, and if they wet themselves while on shift or in their cage, they were punished. Prowl was well-trained. Perhaps he had an accident once in his cage as a fresh cadet and vowed to never repeat that...

If left to his own devices, Prowl will hold it in like a good dog. He won't wet all over the floor like an untrained pup and he definitely won't be clawing at the doors to the washracks to get his new handlers' attention. They must be withholding a trip to the washracks from him for reasons. Or they've forgotten. It's fine. Sometimes the enforcers get busy and Prowl is used to it. He doesn't mind holding it in during the day. It's the next day when complications arise... He feels uncomfortable and squirmy. His abdomen aches. He's not sure what to do about it. His new handler comes to bring him energon and check him over but they don't take him to the washracks. Prowl almost wants to ask, but he wasn't given an order to speak. They only asked him if he needed anything, and he shook his head no. If they don't think he needs to void his tanks, then he simply doesn't.

mhmmm Almost two days without voiding his tanks is just too much for him in the end... Prowl's valve starts to pulse behind his panels as the waste splattering out of him brings him immense relief. He knows that his new handler is in the room with him but he can't stop peeing. His systems have locked him out, his frame needs the relief. Prowl doesn't like to show weakness, not in front of his handlers, not in front of other k9 units, but knowing that he's making a mess of himself and his clean bedding distresses him. He closes his optics as the stream slows and sputters off, crying while he listens to his handler approach slowly.

He expected a baton to the gut, a kick against his head, and angry hand pulling at his doorwings, to be scolded at least, but none of that happened. It's almost scarier this way. They hum, touching him carefully, telling him it's okay. They softly order him to get up, they'll take him to the washracks, and have his sheets cleaned out, it's fine.

Prowl shakes the entire time they clean him off, not sure when his punishment will come.

They talk softly, explaining that if he wants to use the washracks he can just do it... Of course, that probably doesn't sink in until he has a few more accidents. Or maybe he's so badly adjusted that the caretakers have to remember to bring Prowl to the washracks twice a day, telling themselves that he'll get used to using it on his own, one day...

[etrevil]

New Hoshikawa skk art dropped and GODDAMN! It's giving the old, westernized times of ancient japan with train conductors (I blame Chuuya) while also jail break??? The monochromatic red is such a vibe.

Either SKK FTW 🎉🎉🎉

that look in Chuuya's eyes is like he's looking down at an ant oh god

[artfartt]

Au by @theizzizzy

[cyan-stargaze002]

Canine ⇄ Hare

Here you have a species swap AU made by yours truly!! It’s the same fellas we know except probably more chaotic than ever-

[lianarainfall]

Saw a post about Baxter being a giant dog squishing the Big Dog’s house and got ✨inspired✨

I practically speed-doodled this whole thing so I’m not entirely proud of the lighting and form but it’s FINE…

[ask-underzom]

Greater Dog...

Why are you so great?

[remikuii]

are you leaving me too?

( ᪥ ) : hii this is my first time doing a request and of course, posting a twoshot. thank you for your wonderful idea @monikadreemurr, i really love it !! (i'm thinking of making this one a series but i'll stick w/ twoshots).

characters : ranpo edogawa and reader (as his foster mother)

synopsis : everything's not fine for ranpo. everywhere he go, he finds his way out immediately. since the death of his parents, he was left alone with no one to rely on. his dad who's known as 'the clairvoyant' told him if anything were to happen, ranpo should go to yokohama and visit the police academy. throughout his journey, he secretly longed for love—an unconditional love of a mother who will give him hugs, praises and snacks to go throughout his lonely world.

warnings : nothing because it's all about baby ranpo :3 just wanna kiss him !!

"Mr. Edogawa....GET UP FROM THE FLOOR, NOW!"

Just a typical day for Ranpo's Police Academy Instructor to go insane from his tantrum in the middle of the class. Ranpo Edogawa, a student of Yokohama's Police Academy who got admitted for merely 3 days already set fire on his name. Instructors fear the time he comes inside the classroom with his usual bored face. Ranpo will be making remarks about how the lesson can be so easy that even a baby could understand.

"Just quit your job and find something else! You and your lessons bore me out, it's nothing but a piece of cake!" Ranpo remarked with a pout on his face.

Oh, what about his classmates? They're humiliated. There jaws are down the floor with their tired stressed eyes opened wide. 'How could he find the l-lesson that e-easy...' they question that time to time.

"How dare you...—" The instructor raised his hand when someone clapped their hands gently, getting everyone's attention.

"Mr. Imoto, I'm afraid that's not how you give discipline, yes?" A lady with a [hair length] [hair color] hair, glimmering [skin color], navy colored uniform and a badge questioned.

"Ah! Miss [Last Name]! I-I didn't mean—Class, greetings!" The class eventually stood up, acknowledging the presence of the Police Academy Head Assistant, Miss [Your Name].

"Everything's noted, Mr. Imoto. Oh, and Mr. Ranpo, I'm impressed of how you find every difficult lessons quite easy for you to understand, yes? Yet, a talk will be waiting for you after—"

"Couldn't it be now? I can't handle this man anymore." Ranpo straightened his uniform and pointed his index finger to the instructor who's now raging.

"The director won't be too happy if I myself, will break a rule. Now, back to business." Looking back to Ranpo, you sent him a genuine smile and threw a candy to him mouthing 'that will last long enough until later'.

After an hour of keeping his mouth shut to stop all the snarky comments he wants to throw to the instructor, Ranpo lazily gathered his things and left the room. He dig inside his pocket and found a lollipop that he bought maybe 2 months ago.

While walking, he heard a familiar voice yet far from the suiting voice he remembered. Their voice is firm and cold, as if it's ready to blow your whole dignity out with one word being spoken.

"Mr. Imoto, I don't want any excuses. Young Edogawa is a child, he has no one to rely on, this is the only place he could stay at for the moment. And as a Police Officer, should you act like this?"

Ranpo's steps halted. It's his first time to hear someone who cared about him this deep that despite the reality of him, crossing his limitations, you cared about his wellbeing.

"I...I do understand, Miss [Last Name], I deeply extend my apologies to the young boy."

'Miss [Last Name]? So, it's the head assistant..' Ranpo thought, placing the lollipop back to his pocket. Later on, multiple sounds of footsteps filled the hallway. In the end of it, there is Mr. Imoto alongside with you, his head hang low.

"Oh! Mr. Edogawa! I thought you have forgotten about the talk we're supposed to do." You let out a chuckle as she patted Mr. Imoto's back.

"Now, Mr. Imoto, what have we discussed...earlier?" You asked, a sinister smile creeping on your face.

"I—I, Mr. Edogawa...I would like to apologize a-about what I've done to you for the past 3 days...I..please forgive me..." Ranpo looked at you with a pout on his lips. 'Just like this? No sweets? Just apologies?' you shook your head and shrugged.

"No."

"Mr. Edogawa..." You started, handing him a box filled with his favourite snacks. There are some sweets from the foreign country that caught his attention.

"Hmmm...[Your Name]-chan! They're yummy!" You're taken aback when he addressed you informally. Yet instead of finding it disrespectful, you found it cute and heartwarming.

You watched him eat the whole pack of candies and open another one—the whole box almost empty. You found a genuine happiness to his face, smile plastered on his face while he took in the sweetness of the food.

You found yourself connected to the boy despite of him merely staying for 3 days and almost kicking himself out already. You found him pure and angelic, a soul that no one would understand if they're not interested to do so. You discovered the feeling that you want to protect him when he's about to be hit by his instructor.

"Okay, so, back to business...Ranpo..Why is it you feel that everything's just boring for you?"

"Oh that? I feel like all of them are dumb like, you can see from that situation who did that and why but they're acting stupid...It...scares me."

"Why...Why does it scare you?" You took a sit across the young boy, interested to how he would respond.

"It's like, I'm the only one who could see the monster..the darkness. They're not able to see it, that's why they can't see the truth.." Ranpo sighed and put the bag of candy down.

"You want some red bean porridge?" You asked, trying to lighten up his mood. Ranpo shook his head but his stomach says otherwise.

"Uhh...[Your Name]-chan? How do you know I like red bean porridge?"

"Oh well, I'm used to visit you when you're 4, I'm around 11 there, I think? Whenever your parents are away, I will take care of you. They will have some note on the table saying 'Don't forget he loves to eat red bean porridge, we'll be back by the evening.' and you'll end up eating 10 bowls.." I laughed at the memory and took my car keys from my table.

"Come on now, I think it's a job well done for you to even reach 3 days here.. Let's get some dinner !!"

"Oh please, can we buy a red bean porridge with a sweet sweet sweet mochi~? The last time I ate one, the mochi wasn't sweet enough!"

okayyy so, that's it for now..I feel sleepy. i don't even know how i wrote this haha, maybe will revise it later on.

take note : there's part 2~!

[dophaminezest]

Big dogs/property police au where Jimmy ane Martyn found this dog-human child named Baxter in a box and decided to adopt him. They then became baxter's dads, martyn moved in with Jimmy, and then married him.

Baxter was a dog-boy-human thing, but both of his dads are regular humans, to make him feel more comfortable, jimmy and martyn started wearing dog ears & tail.

Baxter didn't know he was adopted though, his dads are both blonde, they both are 'dog-humans', one of his dads have brown eyes like he does, so he didn't suspect a thing,

Baxter reminded martyn of ren, his.. boyfriend who went missing. Whenever he sees Baxter he could only see ren, and he wants to protect him, make sure he didn't dissappear like ren did.

Jimmy on the other hand, manage to pull two guys. He was married to one of them before, but it was for business purposes, though the guy he was married to eventually fell for him. They got divorced after the business deal ended, but the guy still have eyes for him. The next guy was his former roomate, they grew to like each other, LIKE like each other, they went on dates before, but before they could make it official, Jimmy had found Baxter.

Jimmy was Martyn's ex, they tried it out before, but it didn't work out, they did stay best friends though. But they're married now, how ironic, but but the past doesn't really matter, martyn is (and was always) fond of Jimmy.

[Married P-P/B-D could be perceived as platonic or romantic]

^though I'm aiming for a romantic/bromance approach

(If you have any questions/ideas of this au, feel free to say it in my ask box :] PLEASE)

[alternativefriend]

So I'm reading The Second Perspective by wildflowertea on Ao3 and OH MY GOD, I'M ONLY ON CHAPTER ONE & IT'S BREAKING ME!! It's a police force au with the ships of Shin Soukoku & Soukoku. It goes between two time periods, Shin Soukoku's time period (1978) and Soukoku's time period (1958). Detective Osamu Dazai was set to work on The Angel's Ripper case which he eventually took on solo. Eventually, he left the police force before the case was closed & a few weeks later, died (haven't got to how he died yet but I suspect suicide). Fukuzawa Yukichi takes on the case for a week but since Dazai left, he took all the evidence he had collected in private with him, causing the case to go cold. Twenty years later, an anonymous tip (I suspect it may be Dazai (if he faked his death), someone closely connected to him, or may be even the murderer) is sent to the police station, telling Chief Fukuzawa about an old storage unit under a pseudonym of Dazai's. They get a warrant & open it up, finding old evidence of Dazai's. Atsushi Nakajima & Akutagawa Ryuunosuke are placed on the case. They're expected to focus mainly on The Red Camellia case, which was the last known victim of The Angel's Ripper. At the end of Shin Soukoku's first perspective, we get a small section of a letter Dazai wrote to someone, who he calls "My Camellia". And THIS letter is what broke me. Because if that letter is directed to his Camellia, that means it was directed at CHUUYA. Which means Dazai had to lose his lover to the murderer he was supposed to catch (which is why I believe he committed suicide because that would have destroyed him). I'll be honest, I originally suspected that Chuuya would end up being the murderer because I don't read tags, I just read the summary. But this story is so well written & heart-wrenching & I can see that just from the first chapter. It is so worth a read & I know I will probably be crying by the end of it.

This is the link if anyone wants to read it.

[mychlapci]

my liege this is not my area of expertise but all the mention of large breasts and milk begs the question- has K9 Prowl ever seen milky tits. I'm not even a tits guy hence not my area but!!! In theory Prowl would have been taken away from his carrier if he was bred specifically as a K9 unit. He has never suckled energon like that before.

After he's rescued, what if he finds out Optimus has big leaky tits. What if he's nursed by his caretaker for whatever reason and it blows his processor. He's never had energon so sweet before. It doesn't matter that every regulation in his helm tells him there is no way this is allowed- he just can't stop. He whines and suckles like his life depends on it

ough, yes, yes... K9 Prowl wasn't breastfed as a young "puppy", sustained on artificial supplements that kept him alive, but erased the pesky, parental bonding period that would have only caused them issues. They know what happens once they take away a pup too late, and all it does is wail and scream for the first few years of its training... It's terribly annoying.

Perhaps Prowl gets sick in the rescue and is too weak to even lift his head to drink his energon... They tried to introduce a bottle, but Prowl has a hard time sucking. Optimus theorizes that he could activate Prowl's base coding by simply showing him his breasts. Prowl is a little weirded out at first, but the moment Optimus plants his nozzle to his mouth, it's like something in Prowl's processor shifts, and he can suddenly suckle just as good as a sparkling <33 The downside to this is that he kind of really craves the tasty milk even once he's recovered.

mmmmh maybe once he's at a point in his recovery where he's willing to actually want things, he'll even pretend to be sick so that Optimus breastfeeds him again....

[unsanitarystation]

One of the times K9 Prowl has another little pee accident is when he's once again held it in for too long, still not understanding he can go to the washracks himself.

When the handler sees him, they know what's wrong this time. This has happened a few times already. They try to tell Prowl to stand, to follow them to the washracks, but he's already so full that he can barely lay still, let alone have enough control to get up.

So they pick him up. But all the shifting and jostling just ends up being too much for Prowl. He tries his best to stop it- but he loses control and his waste starts leaking from his valve. Prowl whimpers and shakes in some kind of fear or broken apology as he leaks in the handler's arms.

How could he- on his handler-

But he can't stop it. He pisses and the hot fluid leaks out from behind his panels, flowing down onto his handler's arms and torso. Even worse, the relief has him rolling his hips against his handler's plating

When he's finally done, his tank finally empty, he feels so spent. He shakes in his handler's arms and has his optics shuttered tight. He doesn't know why he's not been thrown to the floor yet or yelled at or beaten- Of course his handler just quietly tells him its okay again and carries him to the washracks to get him cleaned

The more and more we talk about this, the more I want the handler helping Prowl adjust to be Optimus... I know we can't keep having Prowl pee on Optimus, but it's sooo good. He'd be so gentle yet firm with him as he lowers Prowl into the tub, leaving him there while he washes Prowl's waste off of his arms and chassis, just a little rinse so he doesn't end up dripping all over the clean tub. Prowl is his first priority now, he can always give himself a shower later.

The whole bath is a blur for Prowl. He's so nervous and can't stop thinking about how bad he's been. Why can't he seem to behave himself anymore? He was the pride of his precinct, and now his new handlers have to clean his puddles...

[toomanyplotbunnies-sendhelp]

MDZS Magic Kaito AU (funny?) Heist Scene:

Yiling Laozu (aka WWX): Ladies and gentlemen... - or better said "Gentlemen and gentlemen," for I see no ladies around on such a fine night - it is a pleasure to see you all again. *looks over at the angry policemen around, and his eyes land on Lan Wangji* Oho~ my dearest detective, you showed up! *looks around again pitifully* And yet I do not see your uncle here. May I inquire about his well being?

Lan Wangji: Hm.

Yiling Laozu, a bit more sofly: Oh... Then I wish your uncle speedy recovery. Getting a cold at his age must be tough.

Lan Wangji: Hm.

Yiling Laozu: Yes, yes. Don't worry, I am not making fun of your uncle. Please do tell him that heists without him are a bit too quiet for my liking, however. I do look forward to the next heist, at which he will hopefully participate.

Lan Wangji: Hm.

The (forgotten) police officers/police task force around them: What in the word is this conversation?

[crow-man9000]

did some doodles (WOAH!!!!)

one of these are based on something someone said when rebloging my headcanon post but I forgot their user 💔💔

[dogboyklug]

so if you both have your powers now, have you ever decided to combine them in horrible and disturbing ways?

Max: I don't recall any time we even considered doing that!

Sam: Don't say "recall", Max. Or "considered", for that matter.

Sam: But now you've got me thinking...

Max: Uh-oh. Watch out, ladies, this big boy's about to have a thought!

Sam: Shut up, Max.

Sam: Thanks to years of vigorous training, we conveniently have the ability to emulate a few of the toys of power with pure energy alone.

Sam: Max has his rhinoplasty and teleportation powers, while I have my USB, High-Power Magnet and RAM abilities.

Max: I really hope you didn't say anything too important just now, Sammy. I got caught up in remembering how I used to be a giant freakish kaiju roaming the streets of New York and destroying all in my path (except you), and now I'm stuck being small and squishy again.

Sam: Well...

Sam: Wait, I think I know just what we can do with our available powers!

Max: My interest has been piqued!

Sam: Just give me a few moments to find my watercolors...

Max: I feel the deep urge to start screaming one of America's greatest memes!!!

Sam: You crack me up, li'l buddy!

[witchofthesouls]

When Tarn was intercepted pre-surgical mods who had to tell him the lack of cuddling is a technique error?

The sadder part? It's a massive communication error.

Tarn was the one who thought it was the lack of technique and took it upon himself to correct it after combing through medical studies and online advice columns. Hook hailed Nickel over Tarn's choices, and the Prion medic had to grab Tarn by the face mask to have him verbally walk through his decisions.

Because Nickel has to play sex therapist, she immediately hails you to "get your aft here. NOW!"

Tarn is chastised. You're dying from the embarrassing ordeal because you don't need more reasons for your pelvis to perk up after work. And now you give him 10 minutes of silent cuddling.

You're staring into the wall and have no idea how this is your life as you strangle the carrier-coding's happy purring, and Tarn is content with the narrative that he's a good donor once more as you're tucked against his chassis.