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ravetillyoucry · 20 days

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PUPARIA

Chapter 24: I Must Apologise

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Sitting in solitude on a desk a hundred times his size wasn't really how Hosah had planned to spend his days, but, lately, it's how he ended up.

There was something up with Teddy, that was for certain. Something on his mind, something that distracted him from what he should be putting all of his focus and attention onto- which, of course, was the shifter himself. It was unbelievably frustrating having to fight to be noticed by the man who was quite literally hired to assist him. Hosah couldn't help but feel sour the rest of the day, even when Teddy had returned, it was like he wasn't even there anyway with how distant he seemed.

The height difference was one thing, when the shifter was this small, he felt significantly further away from everyone else, even if it meant he could get objectively up close and personal as he lounged in their hands or on their shoulders. In order to be close to someone, Hosah had to be able to wrap his arms around them, intertwine fingers with eachother. Being tiny was no good for any of that.

He'd never particularly yearned to be normal, not until Teddy came along. The man did his best to made Hosah feel normal, he'd give him the credit for that, but the efforts he went to only served to make the shifter feel more and more alien by the day. Sometimes he truly thought Teddy had briefly mistaken him for some sort of stray animal with how he spoke or acted towards him.

How great it would be to grab the giant by his shirt, to shake him around and yell 'what is your problem?' until it all came spilling out. Unfortunately, when like this, the most Hosah could do was pull on his sleeve, maybe undo the button around his wrist, knowing how unbelievably frustrating those were to do-up. That didn't sound like half a bad idea, actually.

It couldn't have been their little fight that was still playing on Teddy's mind, surely. If it was, Hosah would desperately need to reconsider his choice in partnership, but for now, he'd choose to believe Teddy was more mature than that. Maybe it could've been-

"Hey." The voice cut straight through Hosah's line of thought, with a finger to go along with it poking into the side of his head. "What's up with you?"

What? Hosah swatted the finger away, momentarily speechless with confusion. How could Teddy be asking that, when he'd been acting weird for days now? The shifter scoffed once, then twice for good measure, his eyes on everything but the giant's before him.

"Nothing. Why, does something seem up? I'm fine." He spoke, his words trailing off into spluttering mutters, then silence.

Teddy loved to do this thing where, if he didn't believe a word the shifter was saying, he'd just stare, unmoving, until more excuses came up and out, with Hosah's yarn ball of a story completely unraveled into a mess of thread at the bottom of a hill. It was infuriating. Silently, the shifter sometimes thought their relationship felt more like a cat and mouse game than anything, but he kept that to himself in fear of being teased for such a ridiculous and strange thought.

After a good while of uninterrupted staring, Teddy blinked, and shrugged, "You just looked like you were thinking really hard about something."

What was really hard was the ability to play difficult when the giant smiled so casually, that stupid snaggletooth making the slightest dent in his bottom lip. Oh how badly Hosah wished to just rip it out, then maybe Teddy's face wouldn't have such an effect on him. At this point, the shifter would settle on just... Holding his face. He furrowed his brow at the thought. Not being able to grow and shrink at free will was incomprehensibly frustrating.

The worst part about Teddy's staring tactic was that it always worked.

"Well," Hosah sighed, his thumb tracing over his own knuckles whilst he took a brief glance at the giant's. Being so big was incomprehensible to him. So much so, that it was enough to completely bring Hosah out of his train of thought.

Both of them waited for him to elaborate. The shifter didn't really know what to say himself, usually his mouth would just do the work for him, but, for once in his life, his lips were sealed.

It was easier for him to shrug it off, so that's what he did. "I don't know, it's nothing, really." Hosah knew what look the giant would be wearing, so he saw no reason to look up at all.

He knew exactly what he was on his mind, it was just easier to keep it there rather than letting his thoughts become words. When you do that, you give them weight, you make them real... Something like that. It was something his caretaker had said to him, over ten years ago by now. What was he called again? Mr Greene, although by now, if he stuck to his word, it should be Doctor Greene. That was it. They'd all called everyone who worked in that horrible place doctor anyway, licensed or not. Oh, dear god, he didn't want to think about it. He'd rather think about anything else in the entire world.

"... If you say so." Teddy's head was tilted, giving the shifter that look of 'I won't verbally push you further but just know I'm doing exactly that with my mind'.

Hosah really did think about telling him. About telling anyone. Maybe the phrase he'd heard was a lie all along, and maybe putting his thoughts and his memories into words would take their weight away. Maybe that way, Jules and her knowledge wouldn't have such leverage over him. There was a different phrase in mind, but it was one he felt stupid repeating even in the comfort of his internal monologue. Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone... For the sake of his dignity, Doctor Greene's quote was the better one.

Even if he'd opened his mouth to speak, Hosah wouldn't have known what to say anyway. His experiences weren't things he'd ever made an effort to put into an order in his memory, allowing them to come back in disorganised snippets when they applied, to haunt him in the depths of sleep. It was better this way, they were infrequent, unpredictable. That sort of thing would've stressed Teddy out beyond belief, but, the shifter found comfort in the fact he didn't quite know what brought them back to the forefront of his mind. That way, he wouldn't have another plethora of things he'd try to avoid, to worry about and be afraid of. The lord knew he already had plenty he was afraid of.

And speak of the devil, a head, along with its body, came turning around the corner. The shifter wondered just what exactly had Jules of all people looking so deeply disturbed, and he could only hazard a guess. He'd seen that look before, of humiliation, of something adjacent to fear but not exactly that, something he didn't know a word for. Hosah could only guess that she'd shifted.

For once in her life, Jules didn't have a look that struck terror into her employee's hearts plastered on her face. She was pale enough in the first place, but now, she looked downright ghostly. Speechless and a little disoriented, their boss just stared the two down, like a deer in headlights. If he didn't care for Jules so deeply, Hosah would've been extensively entertained. Oh, how the tables had been turned.

"Uh.." Jules started, her fingertips running along the hem of her skirt as she fidgeted to keep it in its specific place, "Hosah. I need.. I need a word."

The hand that rested beside the shrunken shifter twitched. There was no way in hell Hosah would ever let himself be carried by his boss, never in a million years, so Teddy would have to do. As he mindlessly climbed into the still hand, Jules' words hit him like a huge tidal wave, washing over him with a horrible sickly feeling. How there was no way in hell he would've been genuinely loved if Teddy knew what had happened to him. Even when she was in such a state, a glint of judgement still hurled his way, and blasted right through him like a bullet to the head. Oh how he wished it to be literal. Unfortunately, metaphorical bullets wouldn't take him out, so he'd just have to swallow down the uneasy feeling that washed over him as Jules stared.

Hosah waited for the snarky comment when he slid down from the fingers and onto the surface of her equally large desk, near identical to the one he'd just spent hours sat on, but said snarky comment never came. Not even once Teddy had left, with their boss promptly shooing him away in the same swatting fashion the shifter had used on his finger just before.

To say Jules looked rattled was an understatement. As soon as the door clicked shut, her head was in her hands, letting out a long, pained groan.

"You won't believe what just happened." She rested her head against the desk as she spoke, hiding her face with the embarrassment.

Hosah tried to wipe the look of amusement from his own, shrugging, "It happened, finally?"

They both knew exactly what was meant by 'it'. Jules tried her very best to keep the fact she was a shifter under wraps, but it was bound to come out sooner rather than later. She'd managed for a good few years, and that in itself Hosah found impressive. Then again, she had the money to keep herself completely and utterly medicated at every moment of the day. Insurance would cover a lot, but no more than absolutely necessary, and somatotrophin was one hell of a drug to even get a hold of in the first place. Shifters in big cities like this were lucky, high populations create high demand, and Hosah didn't want to imagine what his life would be like if he really did go back to his nowhere town in Colorado.

"What do you mean 'finally'?" Jules huffed. "..And, yeah, it happened. Jeanne found me. I can't fire him, so, I'm lost on what to do."

"Jeanne wouldn't tell anyone." Getting closer was a dangerous game, but Hosah didn't really care to think about that. He'd walked this tightrope countless times before, and he’d do it again.

He placed a hand atop of Jules’, although his only could just wrap around her white knuckles.

"I guess not.. Anyway. That's not what I actually wanted to talk to you about. Bad timing." She sat up in her seat, gripping the edge of the desk like her life depended on it.

An apology, surely. It was rare these things ever happened, but on the blue moon where Jules has a little clarity and gains the ability to feel empathy just temporarily, Hosah could expect some form of regret for how she'd treated him. He'd thought about their last fight way more than he'd like to admit. There was no need to open the wound that was Chris, and there was even less of a need to rub salt into it straight after with roping Teddy in. Maybe, just maybe, she'd come to realise that.

"I've been thinking a lot about... Before. That night. I just, I need to tell you.." Here it comes, oh how Hosah had looked forward to this.

Jules admitting to you that she messed up was essentially the same as winning the lottery’s jackpot. Not only would it mean she really, really must’ve messed up, but it would’ve given you the leverage to use just how bad it was over her again and again for a long while, just until she did something probably equally as bad, but with a whole lot less remorse. Hosah thought about what he’d do with a smile on his face. Taking a week off and going up to his hometown, maybe showing Teddy all the spots he used to visit, was the first thing that came to mind.

"... I thought about it, and, it's for the best that I take you off the case."

Oh. Huh. That wasn't quite what he was expecting at all. Of course, his first instinct was to argue and fight against it, he had a duty to bring justice to those people, to himself, but, at the same time, he couldn't help but feel.. Relief. A weight lifted off of his chest. Hosah let out a heavy breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. For some reason, he didn't want to shout, or cry, or even feel bad for himself, he just felt relieved. Maybe this would be it. Maybe now he could pack up and find his cabin by the lake. He didn't quit or give up, he was simply forced to move on, and that he would do.

The pair sat in silence for a while. Jules had fully expected another argument to start, but the shifter before her was uncharacteristically calm about it all. Hosah shook his head, going to knead at his temple for a moment, before he really thought about what to say.

"How many vacation days do I have exactly?"

-~-

"So, that's it then? She just.. Took you off?" Acting oblivious wasn't something Teddy felt entirely comfortable doing, but it was something he'd do either way, because he didn't have any other choice.

"Yeah, I guess so." Hosah had been far quieter than usual. It was expected, but, as the hours passed with him barely saying a few sentences in them, it was getting concerning.

They'd been home for a bit now, and the shifter had only just really mentioned what exactly Jules had spoken to him about. It wasn't like Teddy didn't already know, he just expected.. more. This was great, though, surely. Hosah wasn't mad about it, so, even if he did find out, their relationship wouldn't be completely unsalvageable after all.

"Well, that's... That's good, no?" The giant leant over the kitchen counter, his elbows at either side of the shifter, just as the way he liked it.

"I guess so." Hosah repeated. He hadn't bothered to look up at all. Huh.

Teddy brought a finger to the top of the shifter's head, and gently stroked the messy hair atop of it. He was trying pretty much everything he knew Hosah enjoyed, and none of his tactics seemed to even slightly snap him out of his slump.

He sighed, manoeuvring himself to lean against the counter on his hands, trying not to pay attention to the shadow he overcast as he did so, "Come on. Let's go do something. It'll cheer you up."

"I told you I'm alright, I just need to.. process it." Hosah could protest all he liked, but it wouldn't stop the hand from wrapping around him any time soon.

Usually, Teddy wouldn't be so straightforward, he had manners, after all, but something told him the shifter wouldn't so openly climb into his palm as he'd done so a million times before.

"Even if you're alright, I still wanna get out of here with you." Teddy dismissed the 'but'-s as he went around their apartment grabbing his things. He briefly wondered if Felix would curse him out for calling during the back end of rush hour, but decided a little berating would be worth it, for Hosah.

It seemed the second Hosah had actually told the giant what he was so desperately needed for to speak about, his demeanour changed entirely. What was he being so weird for? Just yesterday, Hosah would've had to jump up and down with waving hands to get his attention, but now, their roles had reversed entirely. Saying it wasn't comforting for Teddy to tell him he wanted to spend time going out together would've been a lie, but that same sickly, insecure feeling had overtaken the shifter's body entirely.

"There's no point when I'm stuck like this." Hosah spoke, quietly, mostly to himself.

"What? That's never stopped us before. Is.. is that the reason boss took you off the case or something?" The giant stopped dead in his tracks, lifting the hand that Hosah sat in up close near his face, which was plastered with an expression of worry. "You know it's not a problem. What's gotten into you, huh?"

Teddy's smiling didn't have that same wooing effect as it usually did, not in this situation.

"She didn't really get into why exactly." Hosah focused on the least relevant part of the previous statement, as he usually did when he wanted a subject to be dropped.

"I see." The look on his face definitely didn't give the impression of 'seeing'. "I'm in the mood to go get dessert. Do you wanna go get dessert? Churros sound really good right now."

The thought of eating right now was not at all pleasant. The right to decline food, however, was stripped from Hosah the moment his doctor started accusing him of being 'disordered', whatever that meant. Nowadays, not being in the mood just was a cause of concern for everyone around him, and it was definitely up on his list of things that annoyed him.

His truthful and honest answer was more like 'not particularly', but his distaste for being lectured was far bigger than the literal pit that formed in his stomach, so instead, he said-

"Sure. We can just share."

Teddy's smile only brought out a long, tired sigh from the shifter. Arguing over the same issue again and again would've been a whole lot worse than just having to sit and endure it, though, so going along with the day would just be what Hosah would have to do. He didn't get it. Sure, his eating habits were bad, and sure, it definitely looks like there's something wrong with it when you look on the surface, but really, he had complete control over himself and his habits. The fact no one believed him about it only made him want to get worse. By choice, of course, as this was something Hosah did all on his own fruition.

He didn't protest as Teddy set him down on his shoulder, pulling on his winter coat all the while, and wrapping the pair essentially together under his scarf. This part was always nice. The shifter thought that, maybe if he were quiet enough, Teddy would forget he was there entirely, and he'd get away with ending the night on his empty stomach, but he was far too clingy to ever realistically do that. Hell, he could barely go five minutes without reaching up and making sure he was still there, or repeatedly asking if everything was alright. At first, his constant worrying was completely grating, but as Hosah's fondness towards the giant grew, so did his appreciation for his paranoia. It was cute, really... Although Hosah didn't feel like he was in the appropriate position to be calling anyone cute when he was like this.

It was refreshing to see the familiar face when they got into the taxi. Admittedly, the two of them had been abusing the subway system far more than the taxi services around the city lately, and with that came a good few abrasive texts to Teddy's phone from their favourite driver in the country.

"Hey, hey! You thought you could abandon me, no? Mm-mm.. This is the thing, you regulars, you always come crawling back when you try get away. Not this time, not any time." A lot of what Felix said came off as quite threatening, but given the huge smile on his face, you could never be too sure.

"I know, I know, we're.. Dreadfully sorry." Teddy shook his head, raising his hands palm up to surrender.

Felix hummed in disappointment. "Where's Pupa, huh? What's his name, I forget his name.. Your little friend, you have him?"

One thing Hosah didn't miss about the taxi services were the fact he'd been given a, frankly quite offensive, nickname that he couldn't quite shake off. To the shifter, it only served to worsen his already terrible mood, but it always brought Teddy great entertainment.

"No, no he's here... Bad day, s'all." Teddy muttered the last part under his breath.

The shifter wasn't exactly hiding, he just didn't want to make himself entirely known just yet. That was all.

"Oh, oh that I understand. My wife does these things, all the time. She shrinks herself and hides off somewhere, leaves me to make the dinner, to do everything. I do it, but you know, I don't like it. I work all day long, and it's late enough when I come home, too late to be doing these things all alone." Felix ranted for a bit, his hands moving back and forth between being up in the air and tapping against the wheel.

At this rate, Hosah began to seriously doubt the global percentage of shifters was only a singular digit.

Rather than going on for any longer, the driver turned his head back around towards the front windshield, "Anyway, enough from me, where to?"

Teddy seemed to purposefully give him a street name particularly far from where he really wanted to take the shifter, as they'd been walking out from the taxi for a good ten minutes by now. If it weren't so cold, Hosah would've quite enjoyed the fresh air.

"Sorry, I didn't think the walk was this far." Teddy didn't sound sorry, but his voice took the shifter out of his daydream, almost like he'd read his mind with his sudden change in topic.

Hosah shrugged, curling up a little tighter in the layers of soft, felt fabric. "Doesn't matter."

"Hm," The giant hummed, "I suppose it doesn't. Guess this gives us more chance to talk, anyway."

That was exactly the problem. Hosah didn't want to talk, because he knew exactly what the first question would be. It'd be something completely stupid, like-

"How's your day going?"

God. The giant was getting really good at guessing what was on his mind, even when he didn't have an overly expressive face to look at and go off of.

"You've been with me all day, so, you could take a guess." Hosah was aware of how irritating and cold he was being, but honestly, he couldn't really care less.

Teddy let out a sigh of amusement, "Right you are. You know, if it's bothering you, you could just talk about it. I'm all ears."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I just figured it'd all upset you more than it has, to be honest." Teddy continued to inquire further, no matter how harsh or vague the shifter seemed to be.

"Why would I be upset, it's just less work for me, that's.. You said that's a good thing. So. I'm not upset. That'd be stupid. I'm glad." I mean, it was partially true. In some ways, Hosah really was glad, but saying it hadn't upset him, even in the slightest, was a total lie.

The giant nodded, sagely, "Yeah. You're right. Well, at least now we're celebrating, huh? Honesty, I've been thinking about dessert all day, I would've taken you to the café, you know, the one I took you to forever and ever ago, but-"

Thank god. Hosah honestly thought he'd never stop going on until his phone started ringing. Only, a part of him missed the carefree tone in Teddy's voice when it significantly dropped.

".. My mum is calling."

The shifter always found it weird how he used 'mum' and not 'mom', but his change in voice sounded serious enough that he held back from mocking him for it, just this once.

In all the months they'd known eachother, Teddy rarely spoke about his parents. He knew his dad was a chef, and his mom was the Italian one, but that was about the end of it. Hosah had no idea if he even liked either of them very much. Although, given how defeated he both looked and sounded when he began speaking the unfamiliar language on the phone, he could guess that he didn't in fact like them, even at all.

It was in times like this where Hosah wished either of his parents taught him their mother tongue. Now was probably a bad time to think it, but, damn did whatever Teddy was talking about sound hundreds of times hotter when he couldn't understand a word of it. For once, his slight accent was being put to work, and the sound was like honey to the ears. All the shifter could do was pray whatever was being spoken about wasn't completely tragic, otherwise he'd definitely be eating his words.

His curiosity only grew the longer the call went on for, until it ended. Hosah didn't want to outwardly ask in fear of coming off as nosey, but what he did want was to know exactly what they were talking about, and every detail of it.

Teddy had stopped dead in his tracks. He mumbled a little bit, but ultimately, the only thing he'd said was a mix of 'um's and 'mm's. The shifter could only watch as he bit his lip, putting his phone back in his pocket with one hand, and cradling his head with the other.

"I.. She- I think.. I need to sit down. Let's go sit down, I need, I need a minute- a couple minutes."

Hosah could only drop his sulking act immediately as the words came spilling out of the giant's mouth. It wasn't often he seems lost for words, and given how he was right now, lost would've been a complete understatement. There was a really, really good chance that the shifter would in fact be eating his words.