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phoebepheebsphibs · 4 months

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Double-Mutated Mikey

Chapter 24: Lost

Continued from the short story written by @boots-with-the-fur-club

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Mikey just runs.

He has no destination.

Leo calls after him desperately, his voice hoarse and strained.

Mikey's vision blurs from the tears and the infrared that reactivates once he's in the dark of the halls.

Mikey just needs somewhere to go... Not his brothers' rooms. Not the lab. Somewhere private, quiet, somewhere they wouldn't look straightaway...

He finds a door he hasn't been through yet. Perfect, a secret place! The entrance is a sliding door, he pushes it aside and dashes in.

There's something emanating heat on a horizontal surface. It is a small thing, round and chubby... Splinter? Is this his room?

Splinter grumbles in his sleep and slowly starts to sit up.

Mikey scurries and shuffles under the bed, whimpering as he hides.

"...Mmff....whaz... who's in here?" Splinter yawns, looking for the intruder and interrupter of his precious sleep.

Be quiet! Stop crying! You're making everything worse, you woke him up!!

He can hear Splinter climb across the bed and lean over the edge. Mikey realizes that his tail is still out.

"Or'nge....? S'that you?" his father mumbles, reaching down and touching the tail.

Mikey's tail slithers under the bed frame, wrapping around him.

"What is wrong, my son?"

Mikey can't talk, his voice is gone, lost like everything else about Mikey.

Lost... lost... lost...

Splinter climbs down and looks under the sheet at his frightened son. He tries to coax him out, but Mikey refuses.

After some time, Mikey hears feet pattering across the floor in the hall outside. Someone rushes into the room.

"Pops, h-have you seen Mikey?" Leo's voice croaks. "He ran o-off, and I don't... is... is he in here?"

Mikey hears Splinter shush him quickly, whispering an explanation. Soft exhales and susurrations like baited breath. Leo lets loose an anxious exhale. Mikey hears him limp quietly towards the bed, lift up the sheet, and sigh with relief.

"Mikey? Buddy? You wanna come out from under there?"

Mikey shakes his head, curling himself as tight as he can, pressing his knees to his chest and wringing his tail in his hands. His back is to Leo. He doesn't want to look at him. He doesn't want Leo to see him. He wants to be gone and disappear forever so he can't hurt anyone ever again...

"You gonna talk to me?" Leo asks.

Mikey shakes his head 'no' again. He scoots further away from the opening. Leo crawls under the bed with him.

"Mikey, it was just an accident. I'm n-not even that hurt -- I'm not mad or anything, you know that, right? I know you didn't meant to do it. You woke up and got scared, I understand."

Mikey whines. The talk isn't helping...

"Mikey?" Leo whispers, reaching out for him.

Mikey doesn't answer, apart from crying. He's been crying the whole time, but the way Leo says his name... it's too gentle and too kind, reacting like Mikey is a fragile piece of glass, rather than whatever tormented amalgamation of twisted flesh he actually is.

Leo touches his shell. Mikey flinches. Leo doesn't take his hand away, but instead calmly rubs his back. Mikey keeps crying. Leo scooches in closer, being cautious of his baby brother's reaction. Leo presses himself against Mikey, and slowly wraps his arms around him, bringing him close. Mikey whines, but doesn't refuse.

As much as Mikey hates himself and doesn’t believe that he deserves this much affection and gentleness, he can't help but long for it.

Mikey sobs in his brother's embrace.

"M-M-Mikey so sorrrrryyyyy...." he hiccups.

"I know, Mikey, I know," Leo shushes lovingly. "I know you didn't mean to. It's okay, it--"

"I-it's n-n-not okay," he whimpers back, tucking his head behind his carapace. "I-I hurt... you... I'm not... I don't d-deserve..."

Mikey curls tighter as he tries to make himself tell Leo. Just tell him. Tell him how he's so lost, so much more than he's been letting on. Tell him how he's so scared of losing them all over again, of being left behind or forgotten. Tell them how he loves them with all his heart... despite not really knowing any of them.

"Mikey..." Leo sighs.

He gently rolls him over so he can actually look at Leo.

His neck is bandaged up, a quick patch-up job. His leg is also wrapped up in gauze, his pajama pant leg shredded and torn to pieces. Mikey winces and sobs even more at the sight of his sins.

"What, this?" Leo chuckles with a cough. "This is nothing. Just a few scratches, skin deep."

"I-I, I h-hurt..." Mikey sobs, tracing his finger over the bandage. "I did this to you... you didn't deserve this, b-but -- and you're being nice, why're you being nice, I don't des-s-er-rv-ve it --"

"No. You didn't deserve to go through the pain you've endured," Leo corrects. "You didn't deserve to get hurt and scared. You didn't deserve to be stuck in a lab for a week. But for every day of the rest of my life, I will make sure you get all the love you deserve, and it will still never be enough. Mikey... I know you're scared and hurting, and I get that. You... might not remember it, but I did this same kind of thing once or twice after the invasion. So did Raph, actually... he went through a lot. We all did. So I get it, I get waking up and being scared and reacting in kind to your fears. I really do."

"B-but... I hurt you... so m-much..."

"But do I look mad?" Leo asks with a kind and forgiving smile. "Do I sound mad?"

"...No?"

"So then, I'm not mad, yeah?"

Mikey doesn't answer.

He wants Leo to be mad. He deserves the anger and the fury and the hate and the fear. It doesn't make sense that he isn't mad now. It's unnerving. The scientists would cause so much pain for something so minute as whining too loudly at night or not finishing his gruel.

But Leo isn't like that...

And Mikey has to trust Leo.

He presses his face into his brother's plastron.

"M'sorry.... m'so sorry..." he wails.

Leo strokes his shell calmly and kisses his head.

"Don't worry, Mikey, I forgive you... it's okay, it's okay... you're safe, I promise... hey, how about we get out from under Dad's bed and go see our brothers, m'kay? Does that sound good to you?"

Mikey nods feebly. Leo helps to pull him out from under the bedframe. Splinter watches them cautiously as Leo carries Mikey out and into the hall.

Mikey holds onto Leo, pretending that they are the same two people from the memory he saw of their childhood. It's hard to believe.... Leo looks the same, acts mostly the same. There's a minute difference, he holds himself and carries himself like some soldier bearing a burden of responsibility that he should not. But Mikey can't be sure if that's it... so it must be Mikey who changed.

Leo makes his way into Raph's room. The door was left partially open, so he can slip in. Raphael is asleep on his oversized bed, starfished and snoring softly. Leo gently sets Mikey down on the freespace of the mattress...

Mikey hopes Raph doesn't wake up. If he disturbs him, Mikey will feel bad. And that will be bad. Or, if he wakes up he'll think something is wrong and that will worry him. And that will be bad. Or worse, he'll wake up, think something is wrong, ask Mikey about it, and Mikey will cry again. He knows he's going to cry again, it's inevitable. Raph could breath on Mikey and he'd start crying again. It's just one of those nights. And that will be bad.

Mikey lays besides Raph as gently as he can. Raph stirs, he looks up and sees his baby brother whimpering by him.

"Oh, hey buddy," he says, rubbing Mikey's cheek. "Wha'z wrong?"

Of course.

Mikey starts crying again, hiding his face in the space between Raph's shell and the soft mattress. Raph doesn't say much after, just strokes Mikey's head and whispers loving shushes and soothing words of comfort.

Leo -- who had apparently stepped out without Mikey realizing -- comes back in, dragging Donnie by the wrist.

"....Nardo, please, I'm not having a very good night --"

"This is important!" Leo whispers back loudly.

Donnie pauses when he sees Mikey.

"Oh. I hadn't realised that we scheduled a turtle pile for tonight..."

"It's a bit impromptu," Leo says quietly as he gets extra blankets and pillows ready for them.

Mikey crawls on top of Raph to let Donnie scoot in the space he previously occupied. The softshell lays himself down, straight as a rail and limbs rigid. Mikey rests his head atop of Dee's stomach. Donatello reaches down and pets him.

Mikey wishes he could stop crying, that the tears would just stop flowing. But they keep leaking out.

Leo clambers onto the bed, laying right on top of Donnie's arm.

"Ow! Leo--!"

"Well, move your big butt over, then!"

Raph chuckles as the two twins argue over who is taking up more space. Mikey smiles softly at the strange sense of normalcy he gets from the scene.

Which is so weird... considering he can't remember ever doing something like this.

The guilt he has over enjoying something that his brothers think he deserves, when in fact.... Mikey has no idea how they are his brothers. The truth, the painful truth, is that Mikey can barely remember their names. He never even actually recalled them, he heard them refer to each other as Leo and Raph and Donnie and he started doing the same. Mikey is slowly recalling moments from his life, piece by piece, but... the hurtful reality is Mikey has no idea who he is. Who he was. How would he remember them, if he can't remember himself? And how is he supposed to know who he is if he can't remember who he was?! Mikey... Mikey is just so... so lost. He's been lost for so long, he can't remember not feeling this way. Not feeling like there's something missing inside of him, not feeling like he is a mismatched puzzle piece in an unfamiliar set, feeling jumbled and mixed up and confused constantly.

They promise he is safe, he is loved, he fits in here. But he can tell that he doesn't. He's not sure who they are waiting for, but he isn't sure if that person is still around... or ever coming back. He desperately wishes he would, he wishes whatever they're waiting for would happen and break the tension. Mikey wishes he was what they wanted. He wishes he wasn't what he is now. He wishes he was better, he wishes he wasn't a monster, he wishes he wasn't scary, he wishes he didn't have so many issues that bother them and bother himself... he wishes so many things. He wishes he could remember who he's supposed to be. Until then, he's only a monster his family re-adopted. And he wonders how much longer he can keep up the charade, the game of make-believe and pretend where he acts like a real member of the family. He wonders how much longer he has until they realise he has no idea who they are and he isn't their brother anymore and doesn't know anything about any of them, especially himself.

Mikey curls up on his brothers as they talk amongst themselves before each one eventually falls asleep. Mikey isn't sure when he falls asleep, but at some point he realises that it's quiet.

Mikey wishes he could tell them about it. He wishes he could have told Leo...

He's lost.

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