#plus a partner who is also autistic and half lives there

[courtillyy]

literally jess, nick, schmidt and winston are all autistic,,, like most autistic flat of all time.

[ms-katonic-of-tamriel]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love!

SPOILERS BELOW: AoD, Wolf Queen, Prodigal Dragonborn, Unfated, And When The World Remembers

Age of the Dragon, even if it is a beast. Started out as a what if crossover, ended up being an epic adventure touching on colonialism, first contact, toxic organised religion, overcoming religious trauma, overcoming addiction, saving the world but at a cost, arriving in a new place and ending up overturning half their culture, how far are you willing to go to win, what salvation really looks like, redemption, freedom, and reuniting long-lost family. It gave me Cicero's Uncle and I love him very much. It gave Alistair his New Dog, and I love that very much too. XD

Wolf Queen Awakens - it just works. It just came together so easily, and I'm proud of it. The last scene still moves me to tears, it's like, yeah, Elisif, you did it. You saved the world. You won your throne. You avenged your husband. You got a new one. You're not a helpless figurehead any more and never will be again. And now you're Queen. You enjoy yourself, you earned this.

Prodigal Dragonborn - it is a fluffy romance between a lonely nerd who wasn't really expecting to find a partner, but was looking for an adventure and an amazing scientific discovery, and manages to come home with all three. I really liked writing Lucien. He's so sweet and lovable and definitely on the ace spectrum and probably autistic as well. Teasing out the backstory that Joseph Russell didn't put in and quite possibly didn't intend to be there was a lot of fun. "I'm the one using the library for its intended purpose and I'm the problem??" and "my amazing scientific discovery loves me back!" were the two most iconic lines, I think. Plus we also get Miraak with no memories looking for redemption and finding it in this scientist who will surely perish if not protected... and in the end, choosing love and forgiveness over wrath and retribution and realising his fate is not set in stone after all, and there doesn't have to be a divide between his real self and the part that loves Lucien. Also there's the cat. How can you not love Lucien's cat. That cat's practically a character in her own right. Lived in fear Joseph Russell would find out what I'd done with his boy and flip out when I started writing it, but by now I've largely realised I probably needn't have worried.

Unfated - crack turned serious. Silly Skyrim version of a silly DND webcomic, in which the Markarth Incident gets averted due to shenanigans but those shenanigans result in peace talks, an agreement, a wary truce between magic-phobic Stormcloaks fresh from a war that left them all traumatised and Reachfolk not sure how to treat the ones who were invading their country five minutes ago, and slowly the two cultures start merging as everyone involved starts to heal. And then the reaction comes, and consequences, and suddenly it all starts kicking off and then Teenage Cicero shows up. Soon followed by his now-Tranquil Uncle. It's got very intense, but I am enjoying picking this one up again. Also everyone's younger selves are proving a delight to write. Keirine newly First Matriarch and still unsure of herself. Madanach who never went to Cidhna Mine and has five young kids to look after. Farkas and Vilkas as teenagers. Uncle Cicero in his mid-forties. Custom follower Kaidan as a wee babby and his mum alive and I really love writing her too. Teeny tiny Leliana uprooted from Orlais and everything she's ever known. Delphine in her twenties and one Blade among many, serving alongside at least one who remembers what she was like before the war and will not put up with her crap. Elisif's parents! Tiny Vex of all people (people went nuts over Tiny Vex and she's only a bit character). MADANACH'S KIDS. Eola as a tiny baby who loves meat already and turned out to be the one to convince Ulfric to give in. And of course Ulfric Stormcloak, 29, war crimes averted, getting therapy, in a healthy relationship and healing. All the Stormcloaks, healing. Able to lay down their weapons, work with non-Nords and magic users at that, and live peacefully - mostly. It's an odd little universe but I love it.

And When the World Remembers - Dragon Age Inquisition, but the Herald of Andraste is stupidly OP and an ex-Dark Lord on the run, who falls face first out of Apocrypha and into his new cult and is absolutely delighted with his new Andrastian minions. And then he changes. Slowly he starts remembering how to be human again. Slowly he starts realising he actually likes these people. And then he meets this flamboyant necromancer from Tevinter who turns his life upside down before you can say 'future husband' and now there's two of them both trying to work through their issues and save the world and try to be good people while doing it. And then Miraak's past comes back to haunt him, and then Dragonborn Three arrives and he has not just a partner and an Inquisition... but siblings again. I fully intend to finish this one day, I swear it, but Unfated ran away with me.

Thank you so much for the ask! And now the tagging.

@rheilea @evil-is-relative @kookaburra1701 @expended-sleeper

And anyone else who has writing they want to tell their followers about. If you can't think of five, wax lyrical on what you do have.

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

Thanks so much for clarifying! I very much didn't want to push any boundaries 💜

- My choice of ship is for sure Baldur's Gate 3. (Only request: plz NOT Raphael, Mizora, or Minthara - one is legit a trauma trigger, the other two are... Reasons.)

- Gender: any and all, I'm too bi for choices

- Personality: I'm autistic, and my mood is consistently more changeable than I think it is... dunno if Sag/Leo/Cap means anything to you (it's cool if it doesn't), but it does to me in the sense that I can see what it means in myself. I'm thoroughly Chaotic Good according to every alignment description I've seen (and all my friends lol). Still a dingus who frequently courts red flags for reasons I can only identify as Traumas lmao.) I'm very mentally scattered. Burnt-out gifted kid who immediately chose to gradually swap my waning INT for WIS, inasmuch as I could. A soul who intensely wants to help everyone I care about, but can't for all sorts of reasons, but dammit do I try anyway. Fiery, feisty, but still learning to actually be assertive. Cuddly with anyone and everyone who is interested. I love radically with all my heart, be ye friend or partner, but breaking it means I'm either a sobbing broken mess, planning a murder, or both. Please don't let these taint the results bc they're still options: I honestly believe and have been told by others that I'm a perfect mix between Karlach and Astarion, personality-wise. I'm down bad for just about all the tieflings in the game/in general (I relate to them a lot), and almost always play one, but all races are welcome in my heart. I don't really draw lines between close friend and partner; I believe closeness and intimacy aren't things that should be constricted at all between one or the other (there is literally a group chat saved in my phone called "Platonicule," if that gives you an idea 😂). Generally amiable to, but wary of, strangers. Hobbies: I make homemade skincare and balms for the homies, cooking, and everything about music and linguistics. I'd also love to try my hand at ceramics/pottery someday. (Also I don't know where to put this, but definitely high sex drive, kinky, and switch/vers but usually end up sub/bottom? Which I'm not conflating, just that's usually how it plays out. Sorry that all was... A Lot lmao, I'm also overly specific/dunno when to shut up. 😅)

- I ship you with Aziraphale from Good Omens! He seems like he'd be absolutely elated to help you finish your writings, and even go out of his way to find a good publisher for your book (and maaaaaybe do a teensy little miracle to tip the scales in favor of them accepting it, if the situation called for it). Fastidious, fashionable, would be as sweet to you as you to him, and would be quite happy with letting you have your alone time (he needs it too lbr.) Also if he's not at least on the ace spectrum himself (he totally is tho), he certainly would never make unwanted advances. Plus, I mean, living in a cozy bookshop that your partner keeps clean, organized, and cute as fuck? Idk that sounds like a dream. You could chat for hours and hours about history if you so chose (and his hilariously unique perspective on it since he's seen most/all of it.) Honestly I also now can't stop thinking of a Movie Night with you two and Crowley that goes a little chaotic because Crowley has a very different and probably intentionally contrarian analysis and keeps getting half-jokingly offended when either or both of you have different opinions. There may be thrown popcorn. 😂

I ship you with Gale

Your relationship can bested be summed up in burnt out autistic "gifted" kid solidarity, in the best way possible.

You and Gale are in a constant loop of affirming your love for each other it makes the pair of you nearly impossible to be around. You info dump, you cuddle, you cook, you are just able to be, together.

Gale is also very deceptive in his chaotic good tendencies. While it may look like you're the one doing something crazy, Gale only makes a meager attempt at protest before following after and justifying your actions later. He does, however, bring some of your ideas and scattered thoughts into a sure focus, allowing you to accomplish what you actually set out to do instead of leaving it all in your head. You, meanwhile, help remind him that wisdom is sometimes more important than intelligence.

He's fully supportive of all your areas of study, even putting aside space in the tower for you to practice pottery. Just make sure to save a few pieces for him to admire and he'll be happy.

And as for the sex, let's just say for all Astarion can talk the talk, Gale walks the walk with avid enthusiasm. (He's the horniest mother fucker in the squad, fight me)

I'd honestly be nervous about making Crowley jealous somehow, but if all three of us can be besties, I'm down. Lol

6k Follower Celebration (requests are still open)

(5/30)

[losergendered]

Phew! Took me almost a week and a half to organize this request on my Google doc cuz it was so damn long and I had to pick out the numerous genders for these slashers. Was having a bit of a slasher autism moment (specifically for Ghostface ngl, he silly + is a huge hoe /silly). Also figured I share my ghostface solo polycule + slasher family au kinda thing (if anything, the dynamic would be like the YT channel "TheMerkins" cuz they infamous parodies of slashers and do song covers whilst being said slashers, lol)

*to the begendered-queer audience* also, yes, I am fully aware Tara ISN'T neither Billy nor Stu's ACTUAL bio child in the Scream franchise. But again, au's and other hc shit bc why the fuck not?? lmao. But I mostly decided to keep Sam as Bill and Christina's child cuz I thought "what if Stu and Billy were separated/broke-up for a bit, billy lived w/ Christina as platonic t4t fuckbuds for a bit during their break-up, bill winds up pregnant w/ christina's child (sam) that resulted into bill and stu getting back together again to raise Sam and stuart macher being a dad to the child that isn't biologically his but doesn't give a fuck since he still loves bill's daughter no matter what.(?)" Plus I'm planning to make one of those "family tree" things n whatnot that showcase how the slasher family works, but I figured you would get the jist of it thru this hc request of mine /silly

Also, yes, I am implying freak4loser married stuilly cuz yees. (Not) my bad for the rambles cuz my BPD ass just wants to hyperfixate dump on ya (joke)

Billy Loomis/Ghostface from Scream is a transsexual, trans/ftm, dbdghostfacecharic, Ghostfacelovesick, envighoface, deepriftghostfacic, bleedingghostfacic, rainingbloodghostfacic, prestighostfacic, monochroghostfacic, brushunterghostfacic, Forestghostfaceic, Ghostfacestalker, slasheric, horrorcoric, DDDEtagged, knifegender, yanderegender, yanderecoric, NPDtoxic, narclexic, LOViRiUM, Narcboy, Borderlineboy, FOUNDFOOTAGEHORRORIC, boyfreak, mascfreak, genderfreak, knifeinlyrica, numbersupica, bpdboyfreak, Vindium, vintaudio, Turigirlfuckoff, Genderwhore, genderslut, tranny, fag, polyam, eros veldifem/turifem, eros veldigirl/turigirl, turigirl, turifem, veldihet, genderfuck, queerfuck, nonbinary, genderfluid, and agender. He doesn’t care about pronouns. Billy is autistic, psychotic, borderline, narcissistic, and hypersexual. He is married to Stu Macher.

Stu Macher is an auDHD, bipolar, narcissist with HPD, psychosis and ASPD. He is also (yes, I am referencing his actor from the FNAF movie as a joke and also cuz I am finding it hilarious) FNAFgender, Fnafmovieic, FNAFhyperfixic, SPINGLOCKSUITGENDER, Burntrapcharic, WilliamAftoncharic, Fnafascic, Springlockedgender, slasheric, Aftaesic,purplegender, PANLosin, boyloser, mascloser, Losearchetropic, genderloser, a faggot, and a gay man. He mostly uses he/him and they/them pronouns. Stu is Billy’s husband.

Billy and Christina’s daughter, Samantha Carpenter, who Stu adopted as his own child, is a finalgirlic, Finalgirlloser, genderloser, aroace, demigirl, transmasc. She also goes by the name “Sam” and uses she/him and has CPTSD.

Stu and Billy’s biological daughter and Samantha’s young half-sister, Tara Carpenter, who also goes by the last name Loomis-Macher, is a masc, genderfreak, transmasc, trans girl, transsexual, dyke, tranny, transmasc girl, azurboy, azurgirl, finalboyic, finalgirlic, aromantic, lesboy who is autistic, bipolar, and borderline. They use they/it/zhe and is Christina’s adopted daughter.

Sidney Prescott, who is Christina’s wife and stepmom/adopted mom to Sam and Tara, is a finalgirlic lesbian. 

Billy, Stu, Christina and Sidney share joint custody of Sam and Tara.

Ghostface’s partner, Jason Voorhees from Friday The 13th, is a nonverbal, neurodivergent, antisocial, slasheric, forestcoric, cabincoric, Fri13ThCalendic, thankfridica, camprilvozmasc(uline), queer man with PTSD and DPD. He is Carrie White’s adopted dad/stepdad. 

Jason’s mom, Pamela Voorhees, is a straight, caedasexual woman with PTSD. She is the adopted grandmother/step-grandmother of Carrie White.

Carrie White from Carrie, who took the last name Voorhees after she was adopted by Jason and Pamela, is a thistle femme, bloodgender, bloodcoric, gendertraumatized, traumacoric, Traumavesi, Religiousrecovertraumatic, Recovertraumic, Sunrisetraumix, Teremuskin, caebagirl, traumagender, bastardcoric, rotcoric, transneutral, trans lesbian with PTSD, religious trauma, BPD, AvPD and is autistic. 

Carrie’s girlfriend, Sue Snell (prefer the 2002 “Carrie” version of her), is a femme lesbian with PTSD. Sue’s best friend/QPP is Tommy Ross (1976 version) is a transmasc, AFAB, nonbinary, arospec, ambiamorous, gay (blue/green). 

Leatherface/Bubba Sawyer from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is an aroace, cannibalcoric, demiboy, fleshcoric, savagesica, fleshian, meatgender, and xenogender. Bubba is a medium-support needs autistic, bipolar, and is canonically mentally disabled. He is the adoptive son of Pamela Voorhees, along with being an adoptive brother of Jason Voorhees and step-uncle to Carrie. 

Additionally, Carrie views her adoptive stepdad’s partner, Billy/Ghostface, to be her stepmom and Sam and Tara as her stepsisters/friends.

Billy’s other partner, Michael Myers from Halloween, is a halloweencoric, Hallofrilled, Candybowlic, AlderHalloween, Halloweenthing, JACKOLANTERNGENDER, Hallopassic, Cauldruttic, Hallocandyic, TRICK'O'TREATLEXIC, Halloweenmovic, slasheric, maskgender, stabdarkica, queer, MLM man who is neurodivergent, a selective mute, has ASPD, AvPD, and low empathy.

Ghostface’s third partner, Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare On Elm Street, is a bisexual, uranic, man-pref bi, masc-pref bi, bi gay man (neopronouns flag), faggot, bi fag, toro, genderfuckoff, genderbitch/bitchgender, lexeprofane, lexebitchic, bi gay man fuckoff, uranicfuckoff, bifuckoff, firegender, amenightmerica, nightmacoric, aldernic man with POCD, chronic pain, Tourette’s, bipolar, and ASPD with tics from his Tourette’s. 

Freddy’s daughter, Kathryn Krueger, who also goes by her adopted name Maggie Burroughs, is a lesbian neptunic woman with insomnia and MDD (the maladaptive daydreaming acronym, not the major depressive one). She is an elder step-sister of Tara, Sam, and Carrie.

Ghostface’s fourth partner, Hannibal Lecter from Silence of The Lambs, is an autistic, low empathetic person with ASPD and BPD. He is cannibalcoric, meatgender, cannibagorix, fleshcoric, gurocoric, gorecoric, maskegnder, fleshian, cannibalcute, gendercannibal, cannilovic, ToothyGoreCannic, Invicorpse, cannijokic, autophagyn, Knostkrev, canfinorric, cannibex, monopoly gay man with cannteros attraction. He uses he/they/gore pronouns. 

Ghostface’s final partner, Pyramid Head from Silent Hill, is a neurodivergent. nonverbal, Angedien, Genderdeity, wargod, wardeity, wargoddex, Aldersopordeus, deathgod, deathdeity, deathgoddex, Deitrayal, Deurseity, Duopurdeic, Godsmercyquoteic, LiminialDeitic, Duodeic, Alderauradeus, Pickagodquoteic, Occudeic, RageUndeaDeitic, Justicedeic, Tobecomegodquoteic, DEIBROKEFURIC, kenochoric, slasheric, godgender, deitykin, alterhuman, nonhuman, menschaeus, lancian, jamian, Reilian, and rivean. It goes by it/its and all masculine pronouns.

They are all a blended family.

posted! this was so much fun btw

[wingdingle]

I NEED TO ASK how are you now. Congratulations on surviving the piss in the dashcon ballpit incident

hi lol somoene must have reblogged the post again. well i was not at dashcon ever and if u look up dashcon on my blog posts about it are all still there. as for me now, i was 14 when i made that post, and i struggled to communicate because i am very autistic. and i was also in an abusive household and didnt have any friends really irl at all. but since then i grew up a lot, found out im trans, and got into some better communities and moved out.... and now im about a year and a half out of being in that house and i have a better job already, as well as loving partner who i live with. im a pharmacy technician, studying to become a pharmacist. ive been to a mental health hospital 3 times in the past two years, and ive gotten better every time... i mean im now able to cope with my trauma and work on the worse symptoms of borderline... and most important of all, im able to talk to the people around me irl! i can literally jsut talk to random strangers on the street and they seem to enjoy it, lol. i even make people laugh. its great lol, i used to be so anxious all the time, i didnt talk to anybody or make any friends on purpose, i would just make posts online and cry but now im better!

also on the less deep side of things, i get to experience a lot of hobbies i couldnt before, like gardening, foraging and cooking and home design. and im able to handle the bills atm from how hard i work, which is a nice feeling!! i love my job too and have many friends there and get to help people every day even just by cracking a joke at the register. plus i love customer service.

i really dont think about dashcon like, at all, it was such a blip in such a wild go at life for me, and i never even went there myself. i just really wanted everyone to know about that so they wouldnt get hurt, and now i get to do that in a way every day at my job and im really good at it it turns out, and so if youre wondering how im doing now i think i am finally happy... if ur ever in a place where you think things wont get better just know i used to think it was bullshit when people said that to me but now that im finally here it is all so worth it. anyways bye hope u liked seeing me answer this random stranger

[nelgoth]

oh? oc time? tell me about the guys?

ooooh I'm so excited to gush, I've been compiling a bit of art for this... u didn't elaborate from which source so you get random gushing hehe! most of it is from The Elder Scrolls jfjgnt (other than 1 oc it seems???? jfnrndgn I have more I swear I just don't have the art at hand rn)

^ this is Balish Olun, he's an orc from Skyrim who left his stronghold at a very young age! he got attacked by a hagraven so his face is really scarred (same with his tongue & throat, so his voice is really rough & scratchy)- it's a strain to talk sometimes and since he's autistic, he goes non verbal often. he also lived in Cyrodiil for a bit, but he eventually got arrested for tax aversion LOL also I'm playing him in my partner's Skyrim TTRPG game !! I did art for it today bcuz there was a session today, I might upload it if u guys want

this is Kwill, my nerevarine oc from Morrowind! he's a dunmer who's also a charlatan. Yes he's selling a snake oil-like product in this picture. Yes, I headcanon that he later tattoos himself after the events of Morrowind & changes his name to Teldryn Sero to start a new life for himself. No I won't take any criticism

Karlak! orc Skyrim oc who has a nirnroot farm in Morthal- he also has a slaughterfish farm. his boyfriend is a half vampire orc warrior named Edisis (he helps him on the farm a lot!). Edisis isn't my oc tho he's my partner's

Daehlee! he's literally my profile picture rn bcuz I adooore this drawing of him we did awhile ago... he's a Skyrim oc & his grandfather was the Adoring Fan jfjfj he's a gay bard twink and I can never take him seriously, as a character we find Daehlee so hilarious

SUUUPER old art but... Cyron! We have him in our system as the main host but he was originally an oc. Plus most of these ocs featured are also alters so it really doesn't matter.

Anywaaays Cyron is the Dragonborn, and he's a non-verbal autistic who communicates ONLY with sign language. He never speaks unless he shouts, and it's really difficult for him to. He's a vigilant of Stendarr, and he's poly & gay for Erandur & Benor, who help translate when people cant speak sign language. He's also half snow elf, half nord

Alister, TV head from our Pathfinder 1E game! we've put our SOUL into his source... He's a TV head who speaks to the players & NPCs through a radio station. He's the radio host (of course), and he's from the 1950's, stuck in a multi-dimenional hellscape. He's constantly being flirted with by a greaser named Allen who's also stuck in the multi-dimensional hellscape but Alister knows that's a whole can of worms he wants nothing to do with

if you want me to ramble more I promise I will find more diverse ocs instead of almost all of them being from TES

[normal-thoughts-official]

Do you think the polycule has any holiday traditions?

POLYCULE ASK! POLYCULE ASK! POLYCULE ASK! YESSSSSSSSSS

that's actually a pretty interesting question because the polycule is very culturally diverse. like of course we have simon who's jewish, but the rest is kind of in a weird place. i'm pretty sure shadowhunters don't have holidays at all, and since clary was raised by a shadowhunter and a former shadowhunter, i'm pretty sure she would have been raised without any either? like maybe she'd celebrate the gregorian new year because you know, they have to pretend to be mundane after all, but i think that and birthdays were probably pretty much it for her. oh and halloween i guess which is also not religious-affiliated, are there any other holidays in the states? i guess there's the 4th of july and thanksgiving but both celebrate imperialism/colonialism and i don't want to write about that so i'm gonna pretend there aren't. plus i doubt shadowhunters celebrated those either

so ok we have izzy and clary with no holidays, we don't know whether or not maia is culturally christian and i don't wanna just say "yes" by default... and then there's meliorn whose holidays and traditions will be typical to seelie culture, which are gonna be... unique to them obviously. we don't know how they are celebrated, how long they last, what is the milestone, how or even IF they count time - like maybe they go by when a specific flower blooms and that only happens every 10 gregorian years or some shit. so that's a question mark i guess

and there's also the fact that the seelie realm is very politically closed which. i like to think changes once they get rid of the old queen! but it's still a slow process to just allow other people there. then again izzy was a shadowhunter and she used to hop by so it's probably not a huge deal for meliorn to bring their partners and metamours to seelie celebrations? or at least to the ones that aren't Super Sacred or anything. so like parties and dances and stuff like that? yeah. which i guess brings me back to the other "meta" i wrote about seelie dances (link) and what it would be like for the rest of the polycule to participate in those and shit

then... well obviously there's the gregorian new year which we have obviously just gone through (well, we had when i started answering this ask. it's march now so rip. update it's april now. i'm so sorry anon) so like! i think it was always kind of hell for both raphael and maia, autistic icons, because of all the explosion sounds that just made them feel really upset and feel really stupid for it. with raphael i think it was more bearable when he had rosa because she would spend the day with him and hug him and let him squeeze the stress out you know dauhdasuihda also she was always the one he felt the most comfortable stimming in front of. and then after he lost her it only got worse because on top of the fireworks there was the clear absence of rosa that he just FELT everywhere. you know?

and with maia there's the added trouble of her being AMAB and what with being raised to "black men" standarts of masculinity (to be clear, as in: due to racism black men are expected to be even more macho than white men, ESPECIALLY by nonblack ppl; not as in wow black ppl are so backwards or whatever. white ppl invented gender norms anyway so lmao), she was definitely shamed a lot for being so distressed by the fireworks when she was little methinks. we love that combination of transphobia, racism and ableism! so it was just hard and filled with bad memories. and then once she ran away from home it got marginally better without the constant telling her to "man up" and shit like that, but it still came with the added memories you know

and also with them (plus simon) being vampires/werewolves the hearing gets even more sensitive so that's... fun. meliorn realizes it stresses them out and makes up a special kind of spell that muffles their hearing of background noise, so they can feel more comfortable and for the first time there is not that added stress that comes with the new years and it feels so nice?? they even try watching the fireworks but it's kinda like eh, not that great, especially because even looking at them brings out memories you know doahdsaoh so instead meliorn shows them some magic and it's so much prettier with all the glowing lights and stuff, you know?

maybe after that the polycule starts spending the new years in the seelie realm instead, that'd be cute, just like. enjoying that pretty place with all the lights and shit. i think they would all prepare some kind of light show some way or another like using magic and witchlights and whatnot. that'd be cute

as for other holidays! i think their holiday traditions would start with simon's first yom kippur after he was able to eat solid foods again (shut up a potion WILL be created and i don't accept any other option). before that, with simon being unable to eat, he was also obviously unable to fast. he wouldn't feed during yom kippur but it's not like vampires need to drink blood every day so it's not really the same thing. and it felt particularly lonely that, besides being away from his family and community, he also couldn't fast

i mean obviously simon isn't the only jewish vampire in the world, or jewish downworlder for that matter, so i'm sure he makes jewish friends he would at least get together and pray with for yom kippur, and that's what matters the most, really, but being unable to fast when he wants to and also not being able to participate in the break-fast meal just. sucks djdnudhsus

and then he's able to eat and he can do all that again! but it's also kind of emotionally charged for all of the vampires to fast for the first time when for so long they associated not eating with feeling unhuman, you feel? so like it kind of hits all of them hard

so the polycule decides to make him a little surprise and cooks the break-fast meal for them. clary probably knows what simon and his family used to eat after yom kippur so they try to recreate that for him? and maia and raphael are lowkey nervous about it because they had never made stuff like noodle kugel before and while they could at least try it (yay potion!) they have no idea if it's tasting like it should, ya know what i mean? and it's kind of sweet that they are so worried about making this the best possible experience for simon and the closest to home it can get. and simon is super emotional about getting to eat that stuff for the first time, as well as the other vampires, so you know. it's very emotional all around. but in a good way? and i think after that it kind of becomes a tradition that they make him the break-fast meal after yom kippur too

and then the next years they lowkey fuss over him for the last meal before the fast too, which i'm not sure is something simon would do with other people so they would go ham, dude, particularly raphael because he is a worrier first and foremost. so catch his ass all lovingly planning a meal he can make with zero (0) salt whatsoever so simon doesn't get too thirsty during the fast for MONTHS, planning so he gets the most amount of sustenance, lots of fiber, etc., and simon is like "you know i don't even have to eat, right?" but rapha is just all "you know food still matters" and simon doesn't say anything because it does. it matters a lot

and raphael is all sweetly nervous because like... it is a simple meal, that is the point, but he still wants simon to enjoy it and simon can't stop smiling through the whole thing. raphael and the others also eat it with him too in solidarity before simon goes to the synagogue with his community and it's like a sweet send off you know?

also this is not exactly a celebration or a tradition for that matter but since YK is the day of forgiveness i like to think that eventually simon asks for raphael's forgiveness on YK for the whole rosa thing, and although that isn't religious for raphael, raphael asking for his forgiveness for how everything went down, too. and it's just a sweet moment where they leave this whole story behind and look for a better future - i imagine this happening before they get together, so again, it doesn't really count as an answer to your question, but i just thought i'd include it because i find it sweet

then after that there is sukkot and i just really loove the idea of them helping him build the sukkah (for those who don't know, the sukkah is a hut covered with vegetation under the open sky, where jewish ppl live in for the duration of the sukkot). i know that they could just buy a certified one but where is the fun in that when we could have shenanigans? also i think that that would have been part of simon's personal/family traditions because i bet him and becca loved to build the sukkah for their family. so like on that spirit it is a little sad that they can't help each other with that anymore since simon can't be seen by the rest of his family, but of course as soon as he mentions it and how fun it used to be the whole polycule is Immediately On Board. let's help simon build his sukkah!

first of all other than simon none of them have ever built a sukkah before and simon usually followed becca's lead tbh, also he's just not great to Lead And Control people in general, and the polycule is already messy as all fuck. so it's a disaster, especially with raphael and simon's superspeed and strength thrown into the mix, and meliorn's almost impossible to hold back mischievous nature. izzy is lowkey responsible for keeping them in check and okay now that i think about it clary might have helped simon's family build it before, especially when she was a kid because kids just love that shit, but i don't know if she would remember the steps tbh (read: she wouldn't remember the steps) so yeah all in all the sukkah falls down more often than not and they might have to replace a few materials when simon and raphael accidentally snap their bamboo poles in half. rip

meliorn is probably all like "you are all weak and pathetic, i am a seelie, i can literally control living things. simon needs a vegetable covering? watch me get all the nearby trees to form a beautiful roof" and simon is like "actually the sechach cannot be alive" and meliorn slowly dies because they have no power over dead nature. also simon forbids magic usage in general because this needs to be an authentic building experience for him, so meliorn is left as the most useless one since they only have experience building these things using magic and the help of the trees or whatever

also i bet they would love to go EXTREMELY hard on the lights and decorations. i know that hassidic and to my understanding general orthodox jewish communities don't decorate the sukkah but i don't hc simon as part of those communities so i think he would want to decorate the sukkah. like even if it isn't fully covered in decorations, he would want what few he has to be well done, you know what i mean? like he would want to make the holiday posters himself (i dont know if it would be appropriate for clary to help make these but if it would, she totally would and i like the idea of simon giving her a very specific prompt to make the posters and clary doing it for him, you know? and maybe them all helping paint it with colorful themes), making decorations, and okay, at the very least fairy lightning? please? come on. it's another whole ass dramatic experience to get electricity in there so that's fun for sure, but i think meliorn and maia in particular would be all over the idea of making a pretty lightning system, and simon is definitely not gonna complain because he loves pretty things and the idea sounds rad. raphael smiles fondly through it all and basically saves the day by being the only one with organizational skills who is actually able to help them make a working plan for the sukkah

(catch these idiots making a blueprint. TRY and tell me they wouldn't)

(every year they make a new blueprint and the sukkah has different designs and proportions - always following the requirements like having four at least 32 inches tall walls, of course - and they start completely anew. the sechach must always be new but not the general structure, but they redo the structure anyway because again, it's fun)

and then of course they have meals together in the sukkah for the duration of sukkot and just idk i really dig the idea of the lot of them holding trays of food wearing oven mitts as they get inside and turn on the lights and it feels really nice and sweet you know? and then of course promptly turns kind of messy because it's their way but that's what they want. also, at least once a year they manage to sneak becca in for a meal with simon in the sukkah and they are just both so happy and aaaaa :')

and that's how "kidnapping" becca so she can see simon and his sukkah becomes another tradition lmao. they do it in the most dramatic full of flair way they possibly can while still not being found out and then promptly tell simon all about it in the most dramatic and exaggerated retelling during the meal, which always makes both simon and becca laugh (reality: becca just told her parents she would be off for a few hours to do some school thing or something and then they picked her up and she got a superspeed piggyback ride so she and simon wouldn't miss a minute. their story: "it all began with a carefully planted lie,")

there's also pesach which many (reform) jewish friends of mine have told me they like to do with goyim because the whole point of that holiday is to welcome strangers and share jewish history, so i think simon would like to do that as well. so yeah i think simon would enjoy having them with him during the Pesach Seder - again i think simon would want to be with his other jewish friends but it would be fun because they all could bring their pet goyim that they know would be respectful and nice to have around, run the Seder, and celebrate with them. also for their first one i think simon would have gotten excited about explaining the order/15 steps to them, so like cue lots of fond looks as simon tells them everything about it, how this is the first time he'll be able to have the feast, the four cups of wine, and how he's excited even to have the bitter herbs again. and then over the years they all become pretty much used to the 15 steps, they come naturally, they know what to expect, they already know the story of the Exodus after retelling it every year, and it's nice both when it's new and he gets to share and when it starts to be something in their element because it became their tradition and they want to be there with simon for the holidays, you know what i mean?

then there's purim!!!!!!!! god they would sure have so much fun on purim it gets me really excited to think about. purim might be the one that they get to participate the most in from what i've seen, and i have lots of thoughts about it, like:

first of all, making hamantaschen!! they each make a batch with a different stuffing and it's lowkey a competition and lowkey a surprise and as always with cooking together it is very fun and homey. and also kind of silly as they usually are, but purim is a holiday that is kind of supposed to be silly and for ppl to let go so it matches that mood, you know what i mean? like they're all covered in flour and "stop trying to LOOK at what i'm making!" and blind testing and stuff

then, food gifts! so from what i've seen it is preferable that the food gifts jewish ppl send each other on purim are sent by a third party, which is usually a kid, but they don't know many kids and i really like the idea of the polycule serving as simon's messengers for the day lmao. going everywhere round the shadow world and beyond ("hey mel since you can portal i have this friend in argentina-") and then bringing him the other gifts people send simon in return :)

dressing up in costumes! there is absolutely no way simon doesn't dress up for purim and the whole polycule is absolutely dragged into it, including an absolutely reluctant raphael. it quickly becomes a tradition tho that they change costumes every year and try to make them funnier and more outrageous (as you do) as time goes by. trust the polycule to turn pretty much everything into a competition. and simon always laughs with so much glee and joy when he gets to see what everyone dresses up as so really, how could they say no?

(maia "wins", like, every year. she is totally huge on costumes and her and simon are very attuned in that sense, so, you know. catch her dressing up as memes and just generally making the most creative costumes. she may or may not think them months and months ahead of time)

maybe they hold purim meals with particularly themed costumes every once in a while when they want to spice it up, but i think generally it's more of a freestyle thing

simon also loves reading the purim torah tbh, it's just fun. and then of course there's the megillah and booing when haman's name is mentioned. they are all banned from using graggers because half of them have superstrength and the other half doesn't technically have superstrength but is still super strong and they destroyed the poor thing on accident after the first ten seconds when they tried

food yay! and the very long meal. they usually get pretty drunk, tbh, at least the ones that can. and just generally i think it's one of their favorite celebrations to do together and more often than not ends in them all curled up together in the couch so u know, that's sweet uwu

and then of course rosh hashanah, which is the holiest joyous day in jewish tradition, so of course it's a huge deal for them all. and i just think they would all be super excited about making the evening (especially the meal ofc) the most incredible for simon it could possibly be. again i think simon would want to spend it with his downworlder jewish friends and community, and they probably have their own synagogue they go to together and everything, so obviously they are all involved in making preparations for rosh hashanah, but i like to think the polcyule and simon's friends' pet goyim would help with what they can as well (provided it's not something that should be done by a jewish person like baking the challah; but if not with cooking, they would at least want to help with stuff like decorations and the like. honestly i imagine all of simon's partners sitting together very seriously with a paper in front of them writing down all the stuff they can do to help with rosh hashanah preparations and everything. especially once they learn that like being happy/joyous is a mitzvah so they're just like "we want to make u as happy as possible then :)" and it's sweet and simon may or may not tear up a little)

and then we have other holidays that aren't associated with religion like halloween, which was kind of implied to be the official downworld holiday, so i'm pretty sure they go big on that too. not dressing up because again, one day where they can all afford to be themselves, but definitely meeting up at the hunter's moon, getting spectacularly drunk, roasting the mundane's costumes, and then once they get back to whichever of them's homes, watching some shitty movies and throwing stuff at the screen together

i'm on the fence about día de muertos. i know it's not exactly a sad holiday but i feel like it is for raphael because it kind of represents everything he's lost - his culture and his family, and he can't even go to the parade during the day, you know, although i'm not sure that would have been his thing, but i do think he would have loved to watch the arrival of the monarchs when he was a kid but he'd have to be in méxico for that. and particularly after he lost rosa i just feel like it would have been so emotionally charged for him, you know? he would definitely make her an altar every year and it would be just... big and well thought-out and something really emotional and important for him, welcoming his little sister back the best he can. and i feel like that's something he'd want to do alone because my boy loves to punish himself

but there are little things i think they would have wanted to do with him, and that they might push a little to be able to, like being with him while he eats by the altar and hearing him tell stories about rosita. and i think they would help him "undo" (?) the altar once día de muertos is over, which is always extra emotional for him and aaa. and then the next day they kind of just get to be with him and cuddle a little bit as he recovers emotionally, you know?

also it has just occured to me that raphael is christian shit fuck fart bitch cock. so okay i guess that puts xmas and easter somewhat on the map? again mostly for food. us latinos celebrate xmas on the eve, not on xmas day, and raphael is totally the insufferable xmas meal obsessed bitch who's on the kitchen all day and refuses to let anyone help (he can't pull that particular stunt for the meals they have for simon's holidays obviously but he can on xmas soo). but it's worth it because it is always a great one. and he also gives a lot of thought into getting everyone presents so that is sweet and it earns him lots of kisses on the cheek and stuff. and that's pretty much it for latino xmas, we don't really do stuff i'm still not convinced gringos haven't made up like the socks and the eggnog and xmas music (????) so it's more lowkey. and i think raphael would keep the more religious aspects of it to the stuff he does at church (again, there are downworlder religious communities idk what to tell u) and for the nursery home. which is not to say that like... oh wow xmas is totally not a xtian holiday! or whatever, just that the version the polycule does is more lowkey on the religious aspects and the things they do together on that day are more about being together with raphael on a day that matters to him, you know, especially since again, he is the only xtian and that's gonna be a sensitive thing for simon especially

and i think for easter it is mostly something they do to shower maia in sweets lmao. again she misses chocolate and i'm sure they spend a lot of their time trying to figure out how to get around that, either be by like trying to make special chocolate that doesn't make her sick or sweets that really really resemble chocolate or that are so good she doesn't even mind that she can't eat chocolate anymore. so that's their tradition for easter (and raphael goes to church ofc)

oh yeah and i forgot valentine's day! i have this funny little idea just for the shits where they have this little thing where they setup one-on-one dates for all the parts that are actually together and each of them lasts, like, 10 minutes (poor maia who dates everyone is just running around town) and it's more about the fun of running around from one day to the other like this is a bad romcom where some bastard is trying to juggle having two (monog) girlfriends at once. but then they actually get all together at the end of the day and trade presents and funny cards both among their dates and metamours ("roses are red, violets are blue, you're my girlfriend's girlfriend, and i love you platonically"). usually ending up with them drunk and debating how exactly they got to this overly complicated arrangement and trying to figure out the best way to explain this to an outsider and trying to make, like, fluxograms that explain all of their different relationships visually and they all look so messy it just leaves them more confused lmao. so yeah it's fun

and i think that's all i've got? i say, as if this answer isn't longer than anyone will have the time to read and took me over 4 months to write. but anyway

a special thanks to "a group where non-jews can ask questions about judaism and jews can answer" on facebook and all my jewish friends for helping me write about the jewish holidays and customs. i also used the following sources: Rosh Hashanah (link), how to build the sukkah (link), more on the sukkah (link), how to celebrate purim (link), more on purim (link), how to celebrate passover (link), what is a passover seder like (link), laws of yom tov (link), yom kippur (link), what to eat before and after yom kippur (link), a classic yom kippur breakfast menu (link), menus for the pre yom kippur meal (link). if there's anything inaccurate or disrespectful, however, please let me know, and feel free to add more ideas as well if you're jewish :)

[teenslib]

IT’S FINALLY DONE! Every year, the Rainbow Book List Committee has more books to review, because literature is slowing getting queerer, and children’s and YA lit are at the forefront of that change. This year, our committee of 13 people had to review nearly 500 eligible titles, and 130 (well, 129) were good enough and queer enough to make the list. There were so many terrific books that we got a special dispensation to create TWO Top Ten lists--the first time the committee has done so! The Top Tens are below, and please visit the link above for the full list.

I’m proud of our committee’s focus on diversity--along lines of race, ethnicity, queer identity, and even genre. At least half of the Top Ten Books for Young Readers and seven of the Top Ten for Teen Readers are about characters of color, and most of those were written by authors of color. We also tried to feature as many different letters of the alphabet soup as possible. I’ve noted the racial and LGBTQIA+ rep for the books that I’ve read.

Here are the Top Ten Books for Young Readers:

Ana on the Edge by Sass, A.J. Ages 8 to 12. Sports Fiction/Figure Skating. MC is nonbinary and Jewish-Chinese-American. Ana is a champion figure-skater. She hates her new princess-themed program, but how can she tell her mother that, when it cost so much money? And why does it bother her so much, anyway? When she finds the word ‘nonbinary,’ she realizes why the program doesn’t fit, but she still has a lot of work to do repairing relationships that have suffered in the meantime.

The Deep & Dark Blue by Smith, Niki. Ages 8 to 12. Fantasy. One of 2 MCs is a trans girl, all characters appear to be Southeast Asian. A pair of twins flee after a political coup that puts their lives at risk. They decide to disguise themselves as Hanna and Grayce, two girls living in the Communion of the Blue, an order of weaving women who spin magic like wool. What one twin doesn’t know is that, for the other, being Grayce isn’t a disguise. This is a beautiful story about self-discovery, acceptance, and affirmation.

Drawing on Walls: A Story of Keith Haring by Burgess, Matthew and Josh Cochran (Illustrator). Ages 6 to 14. Biography. MC is a white gay man. This colorful picture-book biography traces the life and art of Keith Haring.

The Every Body Book: LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids about Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families by Simon, Rachel E. and Noah Grigni (Illustrator). Ages 8 to 12. Nonfiction/Health. Various identities and races included. Filled with self-affirming information, The Every Body Book uses inclusive language, illustrations, and facts to cover a number of important topics for young people including consent, relationships, gender, sex, puberty, and hormones.

King and the Dragonflies by Callender, Kacen. Ages 8 to 12. Realistic Fiction. MC is a gay black boy, his best friend is a gay white boy. King’s family–especially his father–have strong opinions about what it means to be a Black man, and they don’t allow for being gay. But King admires his friend Sandy for escaping an abusive home and living his truth no matter what. If King comes out, too, can his father learn to change?

Magic Fish by Nguyen, Trung Le. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction/Fantasy. MC is a gay Vietnamese-American boy. A young Vietnamese-American boy literally can’t find the words to tell his parents that he’s gay, but cross-cultural fairytales help bridge the language barrier in this beautifully-illustrated graphic novel. 

My Maddy by Pitman, Gayle E. and Violet Tobacco (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC’s parent is nonbinary, MC and her parent are white. My Maddy is a heartwarming story about a young girl and her parent. Readers learn that not all parents are boys or girls; some parents are just themselves. In this young girl’s case, that parent is her Maddy, a loving, caring parent who lives outside the gender binary.

My Rainbow by Neal, DeShanna, Trinity Neal, and Art Twink (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC is an autistic black trans girl. Autistic trans girl Trinity wants to have long hair, but growing it out is too itchy! None of the wigs in the store are quite right, so Mom makes Trinity a special rainbow wig.

Our Subway Baby by Mercurio, Peter and Leo Espinosa (Illustrator). Ages 4 to 8. Adoption Non-fiction. MCs are white gay men, the baby they adopt is Black. Loving illustrations help tell the story of how an infant abandoned in a NYC subway station was adopted by the man who found him and his partner.

Snapdragon by Leyh, Kat. Snapdragon. Ages 10 to 14. Fantasy. Haven’t read this one yet, so I can’t comment on its representation. Snap gets to know the town witch and discovers that she may in fact have real magic and a secret connection to Snap’s family’s past.

And here are the Top Ten Books for Teen Readers:

All Boys Aren’t Blue: A Memoir-Manifesto by Johnson, George M. Ages 14 to 18. Memoir. Author/MC is a gay Black man. “Memoir-manifesto” is a well-chosen label for this book, which relates stories from the author’s childhood and young adulthood and contextualizes them within a queer Black experience. Although the author’s family is loving and supportive, pervasive heteronormativity, queerphobia, and anti-Black racism threaten his mental, emotional, and physical safety.

Camp by Rosen, L.C. Ages 14 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC and his love interest are gay Jewish boys. For Randy, going away to Camp Outland is a breath of fresh air, a time to be exactly who Randy can’t always be at school. But this year will be different. This year, Randy won’t be the flamboyant theater kid, this year Randy will be exactly the type of bro Hudson would want to date. Changing a thing or too will be necessary for Randy to succeed, even if that means leaving some friends behind.

Cemetery Boys by Thomas, Aiden. Ages 13 and up. Paranormal/Romance. MC is a trans Latino, his love interest is a gay Latino. Yadriel accidentally summons the wrong ghost in an attempt to prove himself a real brujo to his family who struggle to accept his gender identity. Though he thinks he is summoning the ghost of his cousin, he actually summons the ghost of Julian Diaz, and finds himself with not one, but two, mysterious deaths to investigate.

Circus Rose by Cornwell, Betsy. Ages 12 and up. Fantasy. One MC is white and one is mixed-race, one is a lesbian and one is questioning. Ivory and Rosie are twins and half-sisters, born to a bearded woman who refused to choose between her lovers, and raised in their mother’s circus. After a long foreign tour, they come home to find themselves under attack by religious zealots. As tragedy follows tragedy, will Ivory be able to save her circus family?

Elatsoe by Little Badger, Darcie  and Rovina Cai (Illustrator). Ages 12 and up. Mystery. MC is an aro/ace Lipan Apache girl. In this OwnVoices novel, Elatsoe is on a mission to discover who killed her beloved cousin, and why. If not for her cousin, then she is doing this for her people, the Indigenous Lipan Apache tribe. Elatsoe has the ability to raise ghosts from the dead, a tradition that has been passed down through generations. On this journey it will take vulnerability, wit, and the legends of her people for Elatsoe to understand all that is hidden in the small town of Willowbee.

I’ll Be the One by Lee, Lyla. Ages 13 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a bi Korean-American girl, her love interest is a bi Korean boy. Skye Shin dreams of becoming the world’s first plus-sized K-pop star, and a reality TV competition may just be her chance. To win, she’ll have to deal with fatphobic beauty standards, fierce competition, and intense media scrutiny–as well as unexpected attraction to one of her competitors.

Miss Meteor by Mejia, Tehlor Kay and Anna-Marie McLemore. Ages 14 and up. Magical Realism. (I haven’t read this one, but I think both MCs are WLW Latinas.) Lita is a star – literally. After falling to earth several years ago, she’s now living life as a teenage girl. When the annual Miss Meteor pageant rolls around, Lita decides to enter – but will her ex-best friend Chicky be willing to help her? Will the pageant help her forget about the past and imagine a new future? Lita learns that winning isn’t about being perfect, it’s about showing your true self to the world – even the parts that no one else understands.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Johnson, Leah. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a black WLW (woman-loving-woman). In this affectionate rom-com, Liz Lighty finds herself an unlikely candidate for prom queen at her affluent suburban school. Shy, awkward, Black, and low-income, Liz has never felt like she belonged, and she can’t wait to leave for her dream college. But when her scholarship falls through, it seems her last resort is to win prom queen, and the scholarship money that comes with it. Liz’s plan is complicated when new girl Mack decides to run for prom queen also…and ends up running away with Liz’s heart.

War Girls by Onyebuchi, Tochi.  Ages 12 and up. Science Fiction/Afro-Futurism. Both MCs are Nigerian, one is a WLW. In a not-so-distant future, climate change and nuclear disasters have made much of the earth unlivable. In the midst of war in Nigeria, two sisters, Onyii and Ify, are torn apart and face two very different futures. As their lives progress through years of untold violence and political unrest, battles with deadly mechs and cyborg soldiers outfitted with artificial limbs and organs, they are brought together again and again and must come to terms with how the war has impacted their lives.

When We Were Magic by Gailey, Sarah. Ages 14 and up. Contemporary Fantasy. MC is a white bi/questioning girl with gay dads, her friends are racially, ethnically, and queerily diverse. This firecracker of a novel follows a group of friends who attempt to correct the accidental murder of a classmate. When We Were Magic combines magic, friendship, and awkward moments to create a captivating story. Each character brings their own uniqueness to the strong group of friends, but despite their differences, their loyalty remains. Author Sarah Gailey has written another page turning novel, with the quirky strange content to boot.

[quietest-rebellion]

Do the chaos household for that character meme you coward

Me upon realizing I have to explain what that is

Basically it's the idea of my fav murder boys having to live together. This being Stefano, Eddie, and Higgs. @christmasace and I came up with this one night and it has been our main source of serotonin since.

I'm going to do the character break downs for them in the context of their original games though. So anyway, buckle in, lads, this'll be a long one. (Eddie and Higgs will be below the cut)

Stefano Valentini

How I feel about this character

Fav. Favest of favs. I would willingly die for this man in a heartbeat. His voice? Beautiful. His personality? Snarky. His art? Breath taking. The way that he has to fix his hair after getting shot with a smoke bolt? Hilarious. Me? I'm in love. Also the fact he put jokes outside of the theater is iconic. Anyway, Stefano was an appealing character from the moment I first saw him in Markiplier's playthrough. I didn't realize I'd fallen until I started crying at his death and Mark was like "I don't even feel a little bad!" Because then I was like "oh shit why am I crying" Also I believe Stefano is an undiagnosed autistic man with horrible PTSD and brain damage(obviously) and I will die on this hill. I could talk about how I feel about Stefano for pages but I won't right now.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Me. Honestly I feel like Stefano is either an asexual aromantic, who only cares about his art, or he is a raging bisexual who is extremely picky with men since he himself is such a perfect man. As for actual ships though, I feel like Stefano is attracted to Sebastian and flirts with him throughout the game. I just don't really see the idea of Sebastian flirting back. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Emily Lewis. I love the idea of them being in a relationship, official or unofficial, and then things went south and he killed her. Stefano killed a lot of people before being put into STEM, why was this one so special he had to make a series of displays representing her? I don't know, just my thoughts.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

This is gonna sound weird, but I guess Theodore? Look, I just love the idea of Stefano driving Theodore insane and making him regret ever hiring him. And like, all the memes everyone makes about it? Amazing. (A personal favorite, also the one that I made) Plus, "You are special. You've always been special." Yeah, anyway I really need to know what the other half of that conversation was. Does Obscura count? I think she does. I see Stefano and Obscura's relationship being like that of a father and daughter or of a pet and an owner. He just loves her so much and he's so snippy when Sebastian gets to the theater the first time. "You did not appreciate my beautiful Obscura's performance." I imagine if you actually chose to fight and kill her in Ch. 7 he was really upset about it. Guardian is along the same lines as Obscura but I think Obscura has a higher place in his mind. 1. Because she is a camera and takes more photos for him. 2. There is confirmed to be more than one Guardian so he probably doesn't grow overly attached to any particular one, where there is only one Obscura. 3. Stefano seems to love whatever he did most recently the most, which is fair. As an artist, it really just Be Like That.

My unpopular opinion of this character

Unpopular only in the world of the game, but his art is good.  Actual unpopular opinion? Not sure I have one, tbh.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

I say it literally all the time but I really want a prequel comic or SOMETHING to tell us more about him as character. What happened to his family? Why did he come to America? What war was he injured in?  Also the idea of him getting some dlc for the second game is still always on my mind, like, it could take place before and during the main game and it’s just us fucking around and making art and then catching Lily and fighting Sebastian. I am not gonna say that he didn’t deserve to die in canon, so really I wouldn’t change that.

Eddie Gluskin

How I feel about this character

Look... uh... I honestly am not sure how to describe my feelings for him. Because on one hand, is a misogynistic asshole who deserves literally everything that happened to him as an adult. But on the other hand, he was an abused child that grew into a hurt and sick adult. Also, when he’s not trying to kill you he is quite the gentleman.  Basically, I love this character, but I have no idea why and am slightly ashamed about it.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Literally no one. This man should not be in a relationship with any of the canon characters. I’d like to imagine an AU where he is sane and settled down with a wife and had 2.5 kids and lived together in their house with a white picket fence but that isn’t going to happen obviously.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Look, I know they never interact with each other, but Eddie and Trager. And like, not as friends really but more as weird acquaintances. They talk about surgeries and such, share a drink every now and then, complain about women, etc. 

My unpopular opinion of this character

He’s straight. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

I just wish he would’ve been sent to a place that could actually help him instead of Mt. Massive. But then he wouldn’t be in the game, lmao. ALSO, there is a lot of unused Eddie dialogue in the files for the game. I really wish that all of them would have actually been included in the game. Some gems include: “Did I...? Oh lord. I forgot to give you an anesthetic, didn’t I? Eddie, you doofus! Would forget my own head if it was screwed on!” (Timestamp 16:32) “There you go. No, no, don’t cry. You’re not dying. I’m going to make you better.” (Timestamp 10:13) 

Higgs Monaghan

How I feel about this character

Garbage boy stink man. Just a rowdy, dirty boy. Pizza rat. Like, I sometimes have a difficult time imagining that he ran a company before he was a terrorist, because he doesn’t seem like a very organized person. Higgs is so multifaceted it’s impressive. In the game we only really get to see him a this asshole who wants to end the world. In his journals we see his hunt for power and want to be important. In his bunker we see the organized chaos of how his brain worked and how he operated his life. Not to mention the Peter Englert emails that are so well written. Anyway, I love him.  Plus I’m gonna mention something my sister(Thrushheart) pointed out when I was having her watch me play. He is the exact opposite of Sam. Examples: Sam hates being touched or touching people. Higgs is touching people as often as he can, including but not limited to even licking them. Sam is reconnecting the world, at first for Amelie, then for everyone he’s met along the way. Higgs is ending the world, at first for Amelie, then for himself(or possibly still for Amelie). Higgs is loud and bombastic while Sam is more quiet and reserved. Sam is smol and Higgs is tol.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Look, I’m not gonna say that I do or do not ship Goldenbridges. I’m not sure how I feel about it because, as I said, Higgs and Sam are such contrasting personalities I don’t think it would work. Fragile. Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking, but I imagine they were together before he met Amelie. His betrayal would mean even more if this was true. And in his journals he only ever refers to Fragile as “his partner.” Now I know this was done to hide that they were his journals and because they were work partners, but it could also mean more. And of course we can’t forget the somber and clear writing, directly over his bed in his bunker. “Fragile forget you ever met me.” And how surprised he was to see her on the beach after the fight. The sad look he gave her as she caressed his face. Aaahhhh.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I wasn’t sure whether to include Higgs relationship with Amelie here or in the last section. But he quite literally worshiped her and the ground she walked on so  🤷🏻‍♀️  I don’t feel like she ever really gave a fuck about him though. Amelie is extremely manipulative and proves that every time she opens her mouth so I have no doubt she told him whatever he wanted to hear so that he would help her.

The Veteran Porter. If you worked hard enough to get more than one star with this guy, you learn that he used to work for Higgs and that’s why he is reluctant to trust the UCA. I like to think that he and Higgs were good buddies before Amelie.

My unpopular opinion of this character

With likable villains it’s hard to figure what is a popular opinion and what is not. So I’m really not sure. Maybe just that he didn’t get enough screen time?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

Redemption ark! Redemption ark! Higgs is the one guy on this list where I’m like, “Okay, he saw the error in his ways. Maybe he gets a second chance.”

______________________________________________________________

Anyway, that’s all of them! If you actually read this whole thing, first of all... wow. Second of all, thanks! Here is a screenshot of these chaos boys from The Sims 4 as your reward. 

[finn0]

All the houses I’ve lived in

1. 94 Queens Rd, New Lambton, NSW

My parents current house since 1989 and the house I’ve had sex with the most people in. A regular two storey house opposite bush on a nice street with neighbours that don’t talk to you (perfect). 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms with air con, a big fireplace, pool and massive garage. Lovely, but I don’t expect to inherit it so the attachment must remain minimal.

2. 11 Cobb Ct, Annandale, QLD

Okay formative toddler years were spent here. A tropical style bungalow with the lowest ceilings you’ve ever seen and even lower hanging ceiling fans (take off your shirt with caution). A massive pool constantly populated with cane toads year round that saturated the yard with chlorine every time a cyclone blew through. More floor space than is necessary for anyone. Horrible, angry neighbours that hated children. Short walk to shops, no air con despite Townsville being the armpit of the country. I spent almost all of time sitting on a Big Bird beanbag watching Sesame Street and screaming in abject terror every time there was a toad sitting in the toilet bowl (which was worryingly frequent).

3. 27 Woodrose Cres, Sinnamon Park, QLD

Literally the ugliest house I’ve ever seen in my life. Gaudy, over-tiled, far too big for any family, nothing but white tiles everywhere and not a tree, nor plant, nor weed in the backyard, just grass the colour of hay. Who in Brisbane requires an attic? Who requires THAT many bedrooms? What the FUCK is that suburb name? This house we thankfully lived in for no more than 7 months but good God what a relief.

4. 45 Clarence Rd, Waratah, NSW

My grandmother Bessie’s house. We lived there for a year while I was in pre-school and while my parents house was being renovated. Absolutely fascinating house that each grandchild loved to visit. The most bizarre things were to be found there. First of all it was a regular 2 bedroom home with gaudy wallpaper and a 1950′s kitchen and bathroom, plenty of living space etc. BUT the bizarre flat that was downstairs under the house that was built for my great-grandmother to inhabit was like stepping a 1950′s motel room. Pea green bathroom, pink kitchen, rising damp, mouldy wallpaper, dust upon dust upon bugs upon discarded venetian blinds. Oh my goodness it was amazing down there. It smelled like a nursing home. PLUS under the house was this enormous space all covered in dirt and other crap and trinkets and sheets. ZERO light penetrated this space and therefore was the best place to crawl around and get spooked. The laundry, also under the house, had high ceilings that were stained a Jackson Pollock amount of colours from years of laundry and rising damp and rain leaks AND leading from under the cupboards in the kitchen upstairs was a laundry chute that led all the way down to the laundry WHICH smaller grandchildren could actually fit into and snake their way down to avoid the prying eyes of older cousins during games of hide and seek. Until you were too big to fit. Like I found out one day. Not an easy search and rescue mission, I’ll tell you that. OH AND the back bedroom had some creepy as shit naked dolls with no hair and meth eyes that rolled back in their head along with like strange 60′s childrens paraphenalia and tiny trinkets that I later found out were things like ACTUAL jewels from Scotland and vintage broken Rolex watches. Also I remember sleeping in that room in my mothers childhood single bed while she slept next to me in another, while my father slept next to my grandmother in a separate single bed in her room (why??). Later after she died, new owners bought the place and my mother met them after a few years and asked if they thought the place was haunted to which they replied an unequivocal “YES”, my mother then asked if they left dishes out in the sink of a night, to which they replied “.....yes” and Mum was like “Well that’s the culprit, my mother would NEVER allow that” and the look of understanding coupled with genuine fear cements the fact that my grandmother was and is a motherfucking force to be reckoned with, alive or dead.

5. 7/58 High St, Randwick, NSW

I moved to Sydney! Why? I don’t know! My partner was doing a degree at UNSW and I went with him because I was 21 and couldn’t stand my parents any longer so I buggered off. Now. This apartment was a second floor walk-up in a WW1 era building opposite a hospital and BEHIND a Coles loading dock. Plus there was a screaming autistic Arabian child downstairs and the loudest dog you’ve ever heard next door. Serene. Peaceful. Damaging to the psyche. We lived with my partners brother which was fine, but that place not only had no heating nor ceiling fans it also had no flyscreens. I didn’t even have my own set of keys. I shared ONE set of keys with my partner for two years. Fucking ridiculous. Yes, the food nearby was good. Yes, I commuted back to Newcastle most weekends to keep my casual job. Yes the neighbours were fascinating, ranging from the American guy across the way who never ever closed his bathroom window and gave me many shows of his frankly monstrous penis, to the chainsmoking nurse below who had a permanent frown despite living across the street from her work, to the Koreans downstairs who constantly cooked delicious barbecue while pretending to not speak English, to the gorgeous gay couple who lived above us who could add a new synonym to the dictionary to define “unfriendly”. We got out just before the new light rail was to begin construction right outside our building, but regardless, because of all the noise that surrounded that place before that, I now can sleep through the sound of a fucking jet engine roaring right next to my face.

6. 145 Wilson St, Carrington, NSW

Back to Newy! Okay so this was the first house we even Googled when looking for a new place back in Newcastle, and weirdly, we got it!. It was a tiny cottage in a harbourside suburb that was across the the street from wheat silos that are literally the size of Windsor castle. The day we moved in, a representative of the Port Authority knocked on our door and told us that if we ever heard a particular siren, that it meant the silos were on fire and an explosion was imminent and that we would have about 10 minutes to evacuate before half the city was Hiroshima-ed. Lovely welcome. We heard that siren (or a siren at least) about 50 times in the 2 years we were there. Pretty alarming, as it were. Anyway, the house was literally 3 rooms and a kitchen, 2 tiny cubicle afterthought bathrooms, and a nice big back deck. Now I was happy there, it had everything I needed, it was pleasant. I had a good garden going and I really learned to cook there. Carrington is where my family is originally from, and it was easy to walk everywhere and I loved the history of it. However, our landlord was a Chinese lady called Winnie who could not have misunderstood the concept of landlord responsibilities less. Any repairs or things we needed, she was not just unavailable but actively apathetic. It was like pulling teeth to get her to even communicate to the property manager in even basic English in regards to anything we required. Our neighbours on one side were a lovely couple with 2 babies but they had a dog called Trippi that would bark whenever someone in the opposite hemisphere coughed, and on the other side were a couple in their 70′s who were both suffering dementia, constantly screaming at each other and who also had two elderly dogs that would bark whenever someone nearby inhaled. For two years I heard literally nothing except Matt’s piano, Trippi barking, the other dogs barking, the neighbours angrily SCREAMING at one another, wheat silo alarms, screeching train tracks and coal tankers blasting their horns as they entered the harbour. Again, seasoned professional, can sleep through anything.

7. 46 Garden Grove Pde, Adamstown Heights, NSW

Alright, so two friends of mine, also a couple, were living in a tiny half house situation and also wanted out of their place, so we decided to all move in together, into a place that was much larger and that we could all collectively afford. So we found this lovely large house with 4+ bedrooms so that we could all have our own space and get on rather well. And it worked out! My partner and I had a great big bedroom, Matt had his own study, we had a library, a music room, and my friends had an enormous bedroom downstairs plus a huge bathroom/laundry AND there was 3 tiers of yard that we grew all sorts of vegetables in, plus it had a driveway that looped around (I would call it a plantation driveway?) so heaps of space for everyone. It was great, plenty of space for guests which we had a lot of, plenty of outdoor areas for entertaining, it was wonderful. But unfortunately my friends relationship ended and an old friend took one of their places for a year (also fine) but eventually it turned out that the place was getting sold and after literally months of surprise inspections and open houses we’d all had enough and decided to move out separately. Now this so far has been my favourite place. It was 10 minutes to work, everyone had their own space and we lived, I think, pretty well harmoniously together. But nothing good lasts so now...!\

8. *** Kings Rd, New Lambton, NSW

From Queens Rd to Kings Rd! We found a gorgeous house right near a train station that I am currently in and pretty happy with. For the first time I have ceiling fans again plus air con and FOUR bedrooms that I barely know what to do with. Currently I’m sitting in my study surrounded by all my books with the fan on typing this out and it feels good to have my own space for a change and actually have trouble furnishing a house as opposed to making concessions about what I keep and what I can’t. I’ve planted a veggie garden, I have my kitchen the way I want, and the house has been renovated, re-carpeted, painted and made livable for a modern couple. We have spare space for guests (or a spare room for me when I don’t want to wake up Matt when I go to bed at 3am, but that’s the sleep pattern of a shift worker) and overall I feel good about it. Finally. I’ve been looking for a good home to just COME HOME to for ages and for a long time I haven’t really felt that. My last home was lovely, but honestly 3 tiers of gardens to maintain and roommates (though they remain dear friends) are just not what I want to deal with anymore. Actually not even that, I’d be fine with roommates, but it’s just nice to feel like I have MY house and it’s mine to come home to.

Anyway, apologies for this long post, and I know barely anyone will read it, but I started this blog TEN years ago so and I don’t have a print journal to write all of this stuff in, so I might as well talk here. HOUSES! If they’re not haunted, then where’s the drama we so desperately crave?

[supericonblog]

Super Icon - The Long Slow Death of an Indie Studio

Our History So Far…

I began developing games back in the late nineties; Xtreme Racing on Amiga was my first game, and ever since then I have only ever worked at my own development studios.

Starting with Graphic State; initially a sub-contract artwork studio, later moving into handheld game development on the Gameboy systems. This then evolved into Icon Games; focusing on small-ish console games on PlayStation and Wii.

You can view a full list of all the ‘Icon Games’ releases here:

·        IconGames_Catalogue

And ‘Graphic State’ releases here:

·        GraphicState_Catalogue

I founded Super Icon in 2012; an ‘evolution’ of Icon Games; like the transition from NES to SuperNES! At Super Icon the focus was on creating the games that we wanted to make, rather than trying to ride the coattails of current popular games or casual games. The focus was always trying to make great games, as good as we possibly could – games that people enjoy playing.

Our first proper release was Life of Pixel on PlayStation Mobile. We released a second PSM title around that time too, called MegaBlast.

Back in 2016, after the release of Life of Pixel on Steam and our Battlezone type shooter Vektor Wars, we decided that it would probably be best to partner with a publisher going forward. Our sales numbers were low, and we failed quite badly at building any sort of interest in the games. They didn’t completely tank, but the numbers were poor, and not enough to sustain a business.

At the time we lived in London, and during that period (we were there for about 4-years), we had tough times. I say this as possibly the world’s greatest understatement!

I attempted to document that period a couple of times in the past couple of years, and in the interest of completion I have finally released an account of our time there, which you can read here:

·        RHW_MentalHealth

 In addition to the financial difficulties, it covers mental health issues and was very difficult to write. 

Following the above period, we moved to Cornwall – which is where we are today. Just after the move we ran a Kickstarter for another game; Best Buds vs Bad Guys. It was successful, and we managed to get funds to help complete the development. During the Kickstarter I started chatting to a great bunch of guys at a studio called Whitemoon Dreams.

The upshot was I explained we were not having much success at selling/promoting our games, and they agreed to act as a publisher on Life of Pixel and Best Buds going forward, to take them over onto PlayStation and Switch.

We worked together with them, releasing Super Life of Pixel onto PlayStation 4 and Vita in December 2018. Also, during the development phase, we pitched another title we were making, called Platform Maker. After a fair few rejections, we finally found a publisher in pQube. We renamed the game to PLATAGO, and it was released onto Steam Early Access in 2018, with a full Steam and Switch release in June 2019.  

Current Development Phase – 2017 to 2019

Unfortunately, despite most players seeming to enjoy Super Life of Pixel, the sales have been poor. So bad, in fact, that Whitemoon decided they were unable to continue publishing for the time-being. As such, in the first quarter of 2019, we saw our income pretty much completely grind to a halt.

I haven’t been given any PLATAGO figures, but I suspect they are poor – it probably didn’t help that we released a couple of weeks before Super Mario Maker 2 on Switch!

We also developed Vektor Wars for Switch and PS4. Switch is out, but sales were low – since July just under 300 units. PS4 is complete and in Sony QA.

Again, my family and I faced a spell of homelessness this summer, our landlord decided to sell – and we were given 8-weeks to move out. We came closer than ever to not having a home this time, as it coincided with us also earning no revenue at Super Icon. We got lucky in the end and found a small place that we have for one year (the owners are selling early 2020), but it was scary. Added to that we have no savings or fall-back money; it was a tough time. I’m 46 this year, with three great kids who are now that much older, and it is tough for them. I think being a penniless indie develop is a younger person’s game!  

Speculative development

I did have a plan though, and it seemed a good one…

In addition to the games we released above, I developed a game called They Came from Beyond (TCFB), which off and on took about 18-months (it is pre-Alpha currently). I pitched to a few publishers, and while there was interest, I didn’t manage to secure a deal. I worked on this while Steve handled code on our other projects.

Hand-on-heart, I thought it was a strong concept, and the best game we have created so far. I was certain I would secure a publishing deal to fund the completion and release, and perhaps finally have a popular game out there. The plan seemed solid – ongoing releases generating income, with a new deal secured in the later stages for our biggest project so far.

I still f#&king love TCFB too, I really do. I KNOW there are bits I need to revisit, and it needs plenty more love and content before it is ready to release, but it appears my faith was entirely misplaced.

You can read an overview document of TCFB here:

·        TheyCamefromBeyond_Overview

 I pitched TCFB to a lot of publishers, several of whom replied that they really liked the game and the concept, but it wasn’t a good fit for them. I would say the most common comment was that many of the publishers told me that they are shifting away from smaller indie releases like TCFB to larger scale, bigger budget projects – those with budgets up to about half a million dollars. More ‘AA’ than indie really.

So, the lower than expected sales, in combination with failing to secure a deal on TCFB has really proved to be a terminal blow.

I have also developed another title over the last 6-months, called Gates of Hell; which is a sort of follow-up FPS to Vektor Wars. Arcade action, short bursts of high score chasing.

You can read a brief overview here:

·        GatesofHell_Summary

 Even now, I am still developing; working on a new 2D game. A NES plus visual style shooter; with several game types in there – top down, zoomed out top down, platform run and gun. I had planned to call it ‘The Lost Carts’, but everyone I asked says that name is a bit shit!

The concept is as follows:

Some experimental NES carts have been found, which were created using a custom ‘SuperPowerFX’ chip – which allowed a 1000% increase in enemies, effects, bullets and mayhem. Unfortunately, because of the sheer numbers of enemies and arcade action these games put out, the chips used to overheat, and production had to be cancelled. Only now have the carts been unearthed, and machines are now just powerful enough to handle the gameplay without melting! I had a small series of a few games in mind.  

And… one failed concept

Not long after we moved to Cornwall, I also spent about a year (off and on) on another speculative game, called ‘The Tower’.

I pitched to various publishers, and it was a no. I stopped work on The Tower, as without funding it was just too ambitious. There is a blog for it (updated until I stopped working on the project):

https://thetower-game.tumblr.com/

And you can read the pitch doc here:

·        TheTower_PitchDoc

  Studio Limitations

One of our key strengths as a studio is a proven track record of creating and completing games, often with very minimal budgets. In an ideal world, we would love to expand our resources so we could fully realise the vision we have for our games.

Personally speaking, I love creating games. I love the whole process; from the initial research and prototyping phase, through to making the various ideas a reality, adding little touches and cool ideas, putting it all together and trying to make it all as good as I can.

Continual restriction on resources limits what we can achieve. The result is that we make good games, but not quite great games, and unless you are very lucky, a game needs to be great to really stand out.

It also means that certain elements take longer than I would like, such as graphics and level design. These are typically the bulk of project time, and I create most of them myself, which has several drawbacks:

Quality – I am good at some things, less good at others, and I know I can find others out there who can produce far better-quality graphics than I can alone. When I do commission art, I usually have to request the minimum amount of animation and number of enemy designs. Reviewers and game players notice this instinctively they notice the quality dips, the sometimes overly generic art and lack of animation.

Limiting Factors – often our games are good fun to play, but lack that something to make them stand-out. Throughout development, there are so many ideas for cool visual & gameplay elements – bosses, new enemies, set-piece background art, cut-scenes and story artwork – that we don’t do because we can’t afford to commission artwork.

Level Design – I also handle the level design for every game we do; 2D and 3D. This way of working is probably the single most limiting factor, as you are getting ideas from just one person, and when you play the game, it shows. Most games are the product of a combination of ideas, usually from a range of different people with different tastes and experiences. Without that combination of thoughts and suggestions, a game can lack that special something to make it stand out.

Why did we not try and expand?

Both Steve and I have gone without income at times, to fund development, and when we do take income it is minimal to allow us to fund development as far as we can.

I didn’t believe we had a strong enough track record to secure financing to expand, so I didn’t pursue that option. As a studio we have developed and released more games than most; they haven’t really been successful enough financially. Also, I am on the Autistic spectrum, and this does play quite a pivotal role; I have amazing drive and focus, determination and resilience but saying I lack people skills is an understatement! I mention this because it has been the cause of without doubt the studio’s single biggest downfall; promotion.

I seem to have a complete inability to successfully promote our games, to create compelling game presentations/store pages/social media posts. I have tried many times, and never seem to get anywhere with it. Additionally, when I pitch proposals to third parties, I don’t do justice to the game and vision. As a person, I am very honest, down-to-earth, quiet and reserved – almost the opposite of someone who achieves great things through self-promotion and building a strong network of contacts.

In the past, I have sought advice from several people in the industry, showed them our proposals, asked for feedback – I have tried to improve this aspect. Most recently, when I pitched, They Came from Beyond, I managed to confuse many of the publishers who had no idea what the game was about from the proposal! I revised and adapted based on their feedback, but usually, you only get that initial chance to show the game, publishers don’t tend to revisit once they have said no.

That said, I have pitched quite a few games over the years, and secured several publishing deals – but usually for smaller amounts that are just about enough to get a game completed.  

The End of an Era

From day-one, Super Icon has been a rough ride.

As covered above, our biggest issue was always been getting our games noticed and finding an audience. The actual development process is always smooth, and our game reviews are usually reasonably good. In general, everything works quite well, especially given the lack of resources we’ve always battled with.

However, we are not making money, and it has now got to the point where we need to make an urgent decision about our future.

I considered quietly closing the studio down, but I thought I’d see if there was any possibility I could sell or perhaps find a partner/investor. We don’t have much debt, a few hundred, and everything is in good order. We have accounts for each year since incorporation, prepared by our accountants EXCEED based in Surrey.

I spent the last few days reaching out to some contacts of LinkedIn; some amazing, talented and successful people – kind of a last attempt to salvage the studio as it is.

I put together a couple of docs which covered the various aspects of Super Icon, the way the studio has worked, the whole development process. You can read them here:

a.      Studio profile doc: LINK

b.      Overview of our development process: LINK

 This morning though, I have reached the conclusion that we are done. The feedback has been that our games/studio is essentially pretty much worthless. I expected this, but there is always a small glimmer of hope – perhaps that has always been my biggest failing?

Years of fighting tooth and nail just to survive, just to live. Messing up my family’s stability and security, mentally breaking down, and so often treated like shit by landlords, accountants, etc.

I have tried so very hard to make it work, and I always had that hope I could one day do it. Unfortunately, I am now middle-aged with zero pension, no savings or home and a very uncertain future. Time has a way of creeping up on you, one day you think – I still have a long time to turn things around - then suddenly you think, shit, I’m nearly fifty now; an Autistic games industry fuck up with terrible people skills, crippling self-hate and an on-going mental health battle.

I have made A LOT of games that aren’t worth shit, I have an impressive inability to self-promote and perhaps I am now rather out of touch with the industry as a whole?

The main practicality though is that we just can’t afford to continue. Super Icon can’t afford to get the accounts done or pay the monthly studio bills. I don’t really earn much beyond a few hundred here and there, and every week we are running out of money to even buy groceries and essentials for the home.

We just notified the company accountant that we were unable to do the accounts, and this was their typically hugely helpful response: 

“My colleague will issue the P45 for Richard and will close off the payroll. As the accounts will not be submitted, there will be some penalties and we also believe Companies House will strike off the company at some point (you may apply for strike off but not sure whether they will allow you to do so and also depends on possible buyer you are looking for). In the given situation, unfortunately we have to terminate our services till this has been resolved.

If you manage to find a suitable buyer and manage to pay the debts, we will be more than happy to reinstate our services.”

 So, whatever the future holds, I think Super Icon has run its course. I feel a lot of different emotions, but ultimately, there isn’t much more I can do.

A huge thanks to everyone who bought and/or played our games over the years, and to the other indie developers and indie peeps who have helped us over the years.

Special big thanks to: Jay Koottarappallil, Christian Phillips, Matt Spencer, Rusty Buchert, Jack Littlejohn, Harry Holmwood, Jools Watsham, Garry Williams and probably several others that my currently frazzled brain has forgotten! 

Richard Hill-Whittall

Email: rich@supericon.co.uk

September 14th, 2019.

END

[ninja8tyu]

My therapist told me once that a lot of people see therapists, but it doesn’t seem like that because it’s not like people tell others about it.

Now that I’m writing this, I question why snapshoting your lunch is more interesting than therapy, but I digress.

I’m going to tell you about what it’s like to go see therapists. It isn’t as bad as others make it out to be, and it means nothing bad to go see one; only that you are taking care of your mental health. Push away people who say that you’re demented.

I went through multiple therapists through childhood. I was never told why, but I can deduce it.

If it wasn’t the autistic breakdowns and anger issues, along with constant bullying and disproportionate retaliation (I still think it’s fair), I have no clue.

But before I do go on wholesome journey, I’m going to give an example in my life where a therapist (if that was a therapist; my memory only recalls an interview-like room, but it’s indeterminate if it was a therapist or not, as it seemed to be more of a questioning and interrogation rather than the therapy I know of, but i suppose it still applies, as people around my age at the time, I feel, would feel uncomfy talking to adults (I’m more comfy talking to adults than kids my age, just to note, according to other people and personal affirmation) and a therapist may seem intimidating because of the age gap or size difference) basically contributed to my anxiety and distrust in everyone.

Not to bring hate to that therapist, but at the same time, go back to the kitchen bitch, but how this therapist destroyed my trust is basically because I made a terrible joke. Being autistic didn’t grant me the normal ability to determine what was okay to say in certain situations the moment I was born, and I had to learn it throughout life. I think I was frustrated with my mom over my computer (which now I realize how deep my addiction to the web goes) and joked about an elaborate plan that would hurt my mom if she took it away.

Now, this joke was a joke because it was impossible to pull at my age. Putting myself in her shoes, I wonder what she would be thinking. Did she take the joke too seriously? Did she actually consider a 7 year old a threat to human life? Fuck if I know, but my mom was contacted, and boy, did I stop trusting them then.

In defense of her, that was still a threat, and therefore better safe than sorry. In attack towards her, your idiocy fucked me up enough to not make proper use of mental health professionals. The defense is weak in that my threat was empty and fangless. Weighing the options, I think that the dumbest option was chosen (which is why I doubt her status as a therapist: she’s clinically retarded).

So because of that incident, I didn’t really had a fun time with therapists after a very long time, up until high school.

From what my therapist said, it seems like people like me make the mistake that seeing a therapist and/or taking medication is a magical cure to depression and all our personality problems. I can attest to that.

They do not engage in mind-control or the mystical arts. They are more like conversation partners than anything else.

The mistake we make is thinking that something else will solve our problem, but the truth is that the change we want has to come from us. The therapists and medicine helps to aid it, not make it come to be.

I didn’t think that medicine or therapy would help me though, as before high school, I believed that I was right the entire time, and the world was fucked up.

Well, the world is still fucked up, sharing some of the reasons why I believed why that is plus more, but not all of it that ended up to be delusions.

I spent my time telling the therapists how I’m right, and explaining my reasoning. Lucky that I didn’t pass them off as mind-controlled too, and tried to debate rather than go flat-earther over global morality. I guess I assumed that I was powerful enough to wipe mind control or I could appeal to their reason and emotion to destroy the control, assuming it was there. Fuck if I know. I wanna know what that little brat that was once me was thinking as well. But I digress.

The therapists I saw, the visits don’t really stick into my head, but I recall them always suggesting new possibilities in my head. Rather than linear thinking, they suggested other thoughts that might have occurred with others. Now that I’m typing this, I feel that something I might have done back then in response was “well, it’s a stupid way of thinking, and they should go die” which would explain why I didn’t just become a better person then. It’s because I was more smarter back then than now. I overthink and try to live in theory, rather than see and know what is in front of me, and living in the world I know I’m in. After all, I can’t apply “everyone has good will” when I’m living in “everyone is out to get you, literally, just check your memories and the fact that they’re still doing it”. But I digress.

Eventually, therapy stopped. If I ever went to see a therapist, it was because I was in trouble. Saw my counselor too, who basically acted like one.

Anxiety and depression basically were gangbanging me during the time, and I was controlled by constant fear and wanting to kill everyone the first chance I got where no one would be left surviving. Never happened for obvious reasons. Also, the US didn’t give me nuclear codes. Nor did ISIS give me an AK. No one trusts me with a weapon, which is oddly funny and annoying. But I digress.

My mental state went to shit. I remember reading in a report where it included a history of my past “misconduct”, one event that I found funny was the fact that they recorded a threat I made. It included ripping someone’s mouth off and shoving it in their ear so they could hear what they were saying. I hold my child self in high regard for this reason, but at the same time, I also want to shoot him for doing stupid shit that I wouldn’t do in clarity. He’s still a legend in my eyes, but I digress.

My counselor wasn’t a therapist, but damn did she pull me out of a portion of my depression. She played a major part for putting trust in other people. Depression and anxiety took over, I didn’t want to hold it in anymore, and so I told her that she thought I was a nuisance, that she should just stop pretending to be nice, and just toss me aside. She said that she did care for me, though in an angry voice. She was mad that I put words in her mouth. But her words told me that people weren’t all out to get me, and that I’m not hated behind everyone’s backs. I didn’t think and still do think that people can’t lie when they are angry like that.

Then high school came. I had just about it with depression, and I asked to go see a therapist for antidepressants. I didn’t really trust therapists that much still, but somehow, that step made me effectively use the help I got. But yeah.

My therapist noted how the first time I met her, I was like “I’m just here for my magic drugs. Nothing else.” Funny, looking back at it. The therapy helped more than the antidepressants.

I managed to convince my “drugs are brainwash” parents (who are stupid and easily manipulative (often exploited by my brother to make me feel worse), which, even if they disagreed, an annoying child begging for it will always win against such parents, and while it never got to that point, I got the help) to let me get antidepressants (due to cheap price, studying effects of it, also my therapist helped) to help me get better.

I asked someone on tumblr as an anon who I knew was taking antidepressants, and the key thing I took was that the drug is not going to instantly cure me. It isn’t an instant happy pill. It’s a clutch that helps you move through life. Some people even life with depression, never really getting rid of it completely, but they learn to live with it regardless.

My experience with taking antidepressants were introductory, or for mild depression (just to note, I have dysthymia). It made me less dead on the inside. Didn’t make me happy, but I noticed a lack of apathy. 

I don’t think the drugs worked because of my more severe depression, and the more obvious reason: my family was making me miserable and suicidal.

You can’t get over depression when people are continuing to put you down. I’m finding a fond interest in murder and torture because of them. I want to get over it, but if I have a toxic family who counteracts any help I get to my mental state, then what’s the result going to be? Hint: I don’t get better.

Family therapy is out of the question, and getting professional help for the biggest fucker contributing to it (brother) is too, since “mind-control” and “government conspiracy” and “I’m crazy, literally, being autistic and all”. So yeah. 17 years wasted wallowing in depression because of a shitty state in a shitty country and shitty family. If I haven’t expressed my rage for my family and those who have made me miserable enough, just take it as true that if I have the ability to, I would enact something that would put a number of people countable on two hands through the type of hell that rivals the holocaust and gulags with their tens of millions of people who suffered in terms of inhumanity and immorality. I digress.

And then I cut myself for the first time. Thanks to my big brother. My mental state was no longer stable, and also the start of when I get kicked out of two discord groups consecutively.

I was still too scared to tell my therapist more about my life out of fear that I’d be sent to a mental hospital, so I went onto the internet, where I could vent about my problems and express my rage anonymously and safely (ignoring hackers and the like).

During this time, I learned a lot of things that really hit me and hurt damn badly, and I couldn’t really blame half of them because it was quite literally caused by me. Venting around on the web didn’t turn out so good.

I’m worth no more than shit to someone I know to be intelligent, whom I had assumed before then that only geniuses could understand the pain I went through. The person here also went through rough shit, possibly worse than I ever had. I had no excuse nor explanation to myself why this is other than that it is what it is, and what is, is that I’m worth below that of manure.

Then I joined a community full of degenerates. The thing that hits me lightly is that I got rejected by a bunch of misfits in society, who are literal nazis, hypocrites, criminals, rejects, et cetera. I want a majority of the people in there dead. I learned a few things like that the people with power are the people you must obey, or you will suffer. I learned that corruption isn’t given a damn about. Systems will gladly run on immorality, so long as it isn’t moral yet. I earn that people are actually willing to us any amount of effort to put up facades to be nice while they absolutely despise you behind their backs.

Alternate accounts let me find some of things people have said while I was banned. I hated it.

I’m pretty sure some of my fits of rage online are on some cringe comp, but I digress.

And then my weekly visit with my therapist came around. My mental state becoming worse and worse, starting with my brother who actively makes me miserable, to being banned from places I felt belonging to because of my mental instability, I had no fear of going to a mental hospital.

Better there than with a shitty family that makes me miserable. I couldn’t care less what drugs they inject into me, so long as it helps me.

I walked in, telling her that I no longer fear going to a mental hospital. I’m going to be honest. There is nothing good left to lose. Just the bad is left to lose, and I’m begging on the inside to lose them.

And then I cried. Told her about how I felt worthless, powerless, useless, a waste, how miserable my life felt, and so on and so on.

I expressed my rage, and how I hated them. I wanted them dead. I never deserved this. What did I do to deserve this? Why give birth to me to make me go through hell? I never asked to be born, and yet people are treating me as if I decided to be born in hell.

Yeah, death threats I made. I’m lucky my therapist didn’t just call the FBI and sick ‘em on me. She was understanding, and knew I was going through a bad time. Not everyone gets the same treatment, I understand, but I have a point here.

The thing I feel about letting it all out, is that because I let it all-out, I’m open to judgement, and therefore correction. My therapist talked with me, I put out my thoughts, she did hers, and the problems begin to become solved. Though, having an interest in psychology and sharing basic knowledge of it helped exponentially. Also, working on emotional intelligence helped too.

I feel that most people don’t really talk about their problems, and they never resolve themselves. They may hold some kind of opinion or thought that would be really bad to have if a situation popped up where they applied that. And when it pops up, they then make a bad decision. But of course, they can’t talk to anyone about them out of fear of judgement.

I feel that therapy works best when you’re honest and unafraid of judgement. You have to be willing to put out your thoughts and let them be vulnerable, and accept when you’re wrong. Also, mental hospitals aren’t that bad, apparently. They do inject strong drugs for people with certain conditions, but that’s because they’re fit to deal with side-effects better than at home or in a standard check-up hospital. Other people’s words, not mine. I haven’t been to one yet.

For me, my problem was to come to terms with the world I believe to be corrupted, and personal problems. I asked why are there killer cops? Why on Earth is the school system built where it rewards bullies but punishes victims? What is the universal cause that turns people bad? Am I the bad guy?

My solution was to let my thoughts be open to be judged and criticized. And it worked for me.

I think I should say that it may not work for you if you go see a therapist. It may not be the best person that would help you, or that you still need time to mentally prep yourself.

As for me, I’m probably not going to see my therapist any more. I’m scare that she’s putting up a kind facade, but actually hates me. I don’t want to be a bratty nuisance that still couldn’t get better after two years and coming back to old issues. I just fear that being true.

My mental state is beginning to deteriorate as a result of being stuck at home with a mentally and emotionally abusive family over the summer. I had starved myself for a short duration (~16 hrs) before realizing that was stupid, and I was basically suggesting to kill my body in an attempt to prove a point (a human can last months without food, but it wouldn’t be worth losing brain development time, especially my life, since I know they wouldn’t be more nicer even if I starved myself).

Also, still no psychiatrist visit for some fucking reason. Medicine can help, but with a family that thinks drugs are products of the devil, it’s more likely for me to go on a psychosis than them ever consider that drugs aren’t that bad. Also, fuck the US for putting a bad name on drugs and the drug war. Literally, not even medical drugs like antidepressants that can help people get better are safe from the toxic culture it bred. Also fuck DARE. You increased drug addiction. Go fuck yourselves. Also fuck the cops for being biased against the mentally ill and the “special” ones. Fuck the system for the same reason. Fuck the world for still thinking they’re morally upright when they still do immoral acts. Fuck the people who let it happen for any reason. Fuck this snowflake society that can’t do anything but complain, because a revolt would be too much work for their fragile asses. Fuck the political system and the government for working based on who pays the most, seldom morality and justice. Fuck my family for being stupid and abusive. Fuck society and how they think that if it isn’t the worst that it could be, then you have no right to complain and correct your problems. Fuck political correctness and how it prioritizes being unoffensive over actually solving problems. Fuck the UN for being incompetent.

[dapperappleton]

Ok this is gonna be a rant post and it's probably going to be pretty long so just ignore it. I just can't fucking stand this anymore and I don't want to text anyone about it since I feel like it gets annoying and repetitive.

For context, my parents are divorced and I live with each parent exactly half the time. A few months ago my mom moved into her partner's house and got married. My brother and I of course came with. My stepdad has three kids, two daughters and a son. I have never really gotten along with his kids, not for anything bad, it's just that we have very different personalities and interests and also we basically had only seen each other less than ten times in the couple of years our parents had been dating before they got married. To give you an idea of what we're like compared to them, before we first met they asked their dad what sports my brother and I played because all of them played two or three sports. He said we didn't play any sports and their immediate reaction was "oh so they're nerds." Which isn't wrong but like, why. Honestly I found it funny. (We weren't there we heard the story from my stepdad.)

Now that we live in the same house part of the time, I really really fucking hate it. I, an autistic person who doesn't like change, had to leave the house that I have lived in for as long as I remember with virtually no warning. I don't know the area we live in at all and nothing is familiar and now all of a sudden I'm living with four other people I barely know. My mom let me do virtually whatever I want with my room, and I actually like it way more than my old room. That's basically the only reason I'm even remotely comfortable here.

I would like to preface this by saying it takes a lot to make me hate someone or make me mad. The reason I'm saying this is so you know how big of a deal this is to me. I specifically pride myself on being super reasonable and level headed. I can deal with being annoyed and if it doesn't affect me then I don't care. And if it does, most of the time I still don't care. However, I have been getting more and more upset about this practically since I moved here. The bathroom I'm supposed to share with my brother and three stepsiblings has one small vanity with very little counter space, plus a shower, four towel hooks, a cabinet, and some drawers. This is simplified but my stepsiblings are supposed to be here the same times as us except we come here a day earlier. The oldest of them, my stepsister, is basically never here. She spends maybe one night a month here and other than that just a few hours a day. However, my two stepsisters use more space than me, my brother, and stepbrother. In fact, they have seven bottles of shampoo and conditioner between the two of them, plus maybe six more in a different bathroom that they don't even fucking use. All of them are in the shower, they're not extras in a cabinet or closet or anything. The middle kid leaves her skincare and makeup products covering no less than 90% of the counter even when not in use. Her dad asked asked her to put it away when she doesn't need it but she has made zero effort to change. I couldn't put my stuff anywhere because she uses so much fucking space and leaves her fucking two hairbrushes on the side of the tub with her fucking shampoo bottles that don't fit in the shower because there's no room by her countless other ones and I constantly trip over stuff trying to get into the shower. There are always towels on the floor and someone for some fucking reason puts one towel over three hooks regardless of if there are towels already on them. I actually ended up just moving my towel in my room because I'm a germaphobe and don't want peoples towels touching mine or mine getting knocked to the floor. I ended up moving my stuff out of that bathroom and into a different one because I had no room for my stuff. The other thing was there's always a gross mess of soap, toothpaste, and makeup on the counter and in the sink. Just globs of it. I honestly think someone must be putting half their toothpaste in the sink each time they go to brush their teeth. And no one. Not a single one of them. Ever fucking cleans anything up. They leave socks all over the house (which on its own I can get over but not with everything else), they leave dishes everywhere, they don't put anything away. And as an organised germaphobe, it fucking sucks. I actually get genuinely angry every time I walk I to that bathroom. The only time I use it now is to shower and fill up my water, but even then it still makes me unbelievably angry. They expect people to just deal with whatever is most convenient to them. Do whatever you want with your own space, but don't fuck up the common areas that five people have to share. They just let my mom and their dad clean up stuff constantly. My mom doesn't want to reprimand them or anything since they're not her kids but they don't listen to their dad either. They're straight up manipulative jerks to him. The son calls him fat and insults him if he does something he doesn't like. The middle kid never listens to him and yells at him for asking her to spend time with everyone (which honestly I get but she's so rude about it). The oldest one is so fucking unbelievably rude. She doesn't listen to a thing he says. She had him pay for her expensive club volleyball membership under a few conditions and has literally not followed a single one of them. And they're all really basic stuff like not curse, follow the schedule of when she's supposed to be here, be a responsible person, etc and she hasn't done any of them. Plus she talks about how much she hates volleyball now and wants to skip practice all the time.

I really hope one day they realise how awful they have been to their own dad. Not only that but maybe they'll realise how they're rude to everyone else by leaving messes everywhere. They'll be some really annoying roommates one day and maybe then they'll wake up. They better get some type of payback later.

I keep imagining the day I snap and just fucking go berserk and yell at them about how they need to learn to clean their shit up. It puts me in such a bad mood. I always end up angry and grumpy for awhile. They also don't turn off the lights which I thought would be easy to change so I thought about leaving a post it note by the switch saying "how to turn off the lights: step 1 turn it off step 2 that's literally it" but my mom would have gotten upset because she doesn't want me to be rude so I just left a note saying "please turn off the light it wastes electricity." Since then (midday today) it has been left on four times. I decided I'm gonna add more and more post it's until something happens. I told my mom that and she said not to because it won't do anything other than cause a rift. A rift in what? I don't ever talk to them nor do I care what they think at this point. They're the assholes, so why should I care if they get mad at me for calling them out on not turning lights off or leaving shit everywhere. I get why she wants me to try to be nice but at this point I'm so fucking done with it that I don't care. I'm going to college next fall it's not like I have to live with them for years or actually be friends with them or anything.

[brightlotusmoon]

On violence against autistic people having meltdowns.

Full text:

****

In the coverage of the Calgary incident, I've seen the statement that one of the reasons it is bad that the police beat the kid up is that parents often rely on first responders to get autistics under control. The poor parents, they called for help, and their child was harmed.

Forget trauma-informed care. Let's talk about trauma-informed families. Let's talk about trauma-informed disability advocacy.

What we are talking about is usually meltdown which, contrary to what the "experts" keep saying, is not a "tantrum" or a "mental or behavioral health crisis" or "rage behaviors" or whatever. It is being pushed so far beyond your ability to cope that you just fall apart. Contrary to what the "experts" say, it does not happen "for attention" or "for escape" or "for tangibles" or "for no reason." It happens because people are pushed so far beyond their ability to cope that they just fall apart. Contrary to what the "experts" say, it is not actually a symptom of autism. It is a symptom of being expected to survive in an environment that demands so much greater ability to cope than you can muster, that you just fall apart. And it happens to autistic people with some regularity because autistic people are regularly forced to live in environments that are full of things that are impossible for them to cope with.

When you cannot cope with the demands of life, what do you need? A break. Kindness. A moment of comfort. It may not look the same for us all, but we all want whatever it looks like for us, don't we?

What is the standard "treatment" for overwhelming demands and inaccessible environments that autistics get? Training in how not to assert themselves to get their needs met. If your shirt hurts and you take it off, you get put on a program to teach you not to remove things that hurt you from your body. If the fluorescent lights in your classroom are messing with your brain and you leave, you get put on a program to teach you to stay where people want you. If people are speaking too fast, too loud, too unclearly and you protest, you get put on a program to teach you to be a pleasant conversation partner. When the world pushes you so hard that you think you can't cope, and you try to protect yourself, the world responds by pushing harder. And eventually you either assert yourself in a way that nobody can silence (and then they come down on you even harder), or you snap and melt down.

At that point, for many of us, the people around you resort to violence. Or at least the threat of violence. Restraints, seclusion, Level III aversives, first responders and the like. Bringing a person with a loaded gun to manage someone is an act of violence. Transporting someone against their will to a place where people will manage them is a form of violence. And in the case of meltdown, it is violence in response to something that people cannot control.

You know you are getting off easy when all your "friends" do to you is belittle you, ostracise you, berate you, mock you, ablesplain to you how to cope, cut you off from your support system, and the like.... Because they could just have you declared violent, carted off to an institutional setting, or get you killed. And trust me, some of them will do these things. Parents certainly will.

We. Do. Not. Know. What. Autism. Looks. Like.

We. Only. Know. What. Autism. Plus. Trauma. Looks. Like.

"But what should we do when things are out of control?" Well, first, of course if things are actually likely to end in someone hurting another person badly without intervention, you may have to take extreme measures with the full understanding that those measures are likely to result in someone getting hurt badly. Though a lot of the time this is about onlooker anxiety and parental frustration, bot a real risk assessment. But it's still the wrong question. It assumes these situations arise spontaneously.

None of this happens in a vacuum. All children, when they are little, are capable of acting in ways that would be dangerous if thry had adult bodies. You love and guide them, and you get through it. And if they are neurodivergent, you recognise that they may need to be guided and supported in atypical ways, you figure out how, and you teach them safety. If they need to hit, give them a punching bag and teach them to use it. If they need to throw their bodies up against something, give them something safe to throw themselves against. If they need to lift and throw things, give them things to lift and throw and teach them to give others a heads up to get put of the way. What you don't do is drive the ways their minds and bodies naturally cope with the hell of being in a world designed to be excruciating underground until they explode with a ferocity and an ability to do real harm that can only be contained with an escalation of violence, and then pretend you are blameless for the consequences.

If you call first responders on someone, you are teaching them under what circumstances you will respond to them with violence. And you are teaching the first responders that they are the sort of people against whom the use of violence is necessary. So now, as the world pushes harder and harder against them, as they move closer to being unable to cope, they also have to be aware that there are those around them prepared to escalate to violence. And that makes it harder to cope. This isn't autistic children aging. This is a cycle of escalating violence autistic children at the mercy of neurotypical demands that they act on opposition to their biological programming are caught in.

When you spend half an hour brawling with your child to force him to see Elmo even though he doesn't want to go into that space, you are teaching him that it is dangerous to tell you what he needs. When you win, you are teaching him that it is hopeless. Whatever else you think you are teaching him, you are teaching him that if he wants to survive in a world with you in it, he had better keep his head down and absorb every awful thing the world has in store for him, or you will make it so much worse. Then when he learns that lesson and implements it like a pro, you will call the result "happiness."

When you go out in public and you tell the world that experts recommend using violence on disabled people for the crime of trying to survive in an inaccessible and hostile world, and you do not also address why that is a bad thing, you are telling disabled people not merely that you are not good spokespeople, but that you are actively trying to harm them.

This one isn't even on the parents. It's on the "professionals," the ones who convince parents that the only way to save their children from a horrible fate is to bully them until they fall apart, the ones who are so desperate to get their policies implemented that they will whip up anti-disability bigotry and violence to do so. It's on the people who will, in response to grassroots community advocacy to try to make the world a better place for autistic children, pull out the "But my child deserves to be abused" and "But think of the parents" cards. It's on the purveyors of the comforting fantasy that there are places for "those people" where they will be "safe and cared for" and engage in compassion theatre, where brutality is portrayed as love. The "disability experts" turn the parents into loaded weapons and leave them lying around, waiting to be triggered.

This is a traumatised disabled child who was assaulted by the police at his parents' instigation, because he is a traumatised disabled child living in a horrifically inaccessible world, and he can't cope. This is not a problem that started when the police showed up. It is a problem that started the first time someone had a chat with his parents about "developmental milestones."

And this child, this white, speaking child, "only" got his skull fractured. It could have been, and sometimes is, so much worse.

Things need to change. And people need to step up and change them. It is not the act of an ally to the disability rights movement to allow the statement that first responders get called on autistics to pass without a clear statement that this is a problem.

***

[noretreatnancy]

January Reading Wrap-Up

Okay so I want to start typing up a little summary/review for each of the books I read this year, so that maybe some of my followers can find some new titles! This month I read 5 romances, 2 fantasies, 2 non-fiction (a memoir and a recounting of some supposedly true paranormal events), and 1 mystery/thriller. If you’re interested in any of those genres, maybe check out the reviews under the cut :)

Mystery/Thriller

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager

Rating: 2.5/5

This book was a mega disappointment for me. The concept was really intriguing. Jules has just recently been through some life turmoil, losing her job, boyfriend, and home in the same day. She takes a job apartment sitting in a very prestigious historical building with a dark history. Weird occurrences ensue, including strict rules and missing apartment sitters. If you don’t read/watch a lot of mystery/thriller/(even true crime) content and are interested in dabbling, this could be a good choice for you. Unfortunately, I found the hints started dropping a little too early, and the answers were a little too obvious for me to be properly intrigued. I wanted a really slow burn mystery, and this just felt overly rushed for me. 

Non-Fic

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado (memoir)

Rating: 5/5

I don’t usually rate non-fiction, especially memoirs, because it’s hard for me to but a grade on someone’s account of their own life. But holy shit this book blew me out of the water. This is the story of Carmen Maria Machado’s abusive same-sex relationship, and the unique struggles faced by victims of f/f relationship violence. First of all, Machado’s writing is unparralled. Absolutely gorgeous. The way she structures this, all the history and pop culture she ties in keeps it feeling fresh and engaging. The content is of course very heavy, dealing with themes of abuse in many different forms. However, imo these issues are handled with honesty and grace, in a way that never felt gratuitous. 

The Mothman Prophecies by John Keel (paranormal account)

Rating: N/A

Uhm... I hated every second of reading this. I love Mothman. I love reading/watching/listening to content around weird/spooky/paranormal occurrences. I did not love this book. It was so boring. Total slog to read. There was no narrative structure/order of events. I assumed the story would track the beginning of weird reports in Point Pleasant, then follow Keel’s own arrival and investigation of these reports, with his own experiences and background being used to create a coherent story. That’s not what this is. This is a random arrangement of ufo/men in black/strange encounter stories that all fit a similar theme. Not to say no one would enjoy this, or that it doesn’t present interesting theories (it certainly does), just didn’t work for me. If you want a more easily digestible (and by FAR more enjoyable) version of this, check out the Astonishing Legends podcast and their episodes covering this book. 

Fantasy

Black Sun (Book 1, Between Earth and Sky) by Rebecca Roanhorse

Ratung: 4/5

Finally some good fucking food. if you’re looking for some adult fantasy with a new and interesting world, have I got a book for you. This is a multiple POV story following four main characters and two main plotlines. Xiala, a Teek (siren-esque) ship captain hired to transport Serapio (who may or may not be the vessel of an apocalypse god) to the city of Tova, where Naranpa (the Sun Priestess) is trying to navigate a city on the brink of political upheaval. The world is inspired by Pre-Columbian civilizations in the Americas, and the lore/magic/politics are all totally unlike any other fantasy I’ve read. 

Come Tumbling Down (Book 5, Wayward Children) by Seanan McGuire

Rating: 3

This was definitely a solid addition to this series, if not my favorite. The Wayward Children series follows the adventures of children who were able to enter magical worlds, but for a variety of reasons had to leave those worlds. This book most closely aligns with books one and two, almost feeling like a direct sequel to book two with the addition of characters from book three. It didn’t have the emotional impact for me that earlier books did, but there was nothing glaringly bad or wrong here. I would definitely recommend this series to anyone who enjoyed portal/doorway/wardrobe to a magical world stories as a kid. 

Romance

The Bride Test (Book 2, The Kiss Quotient) by Helen Hoang

Rating: 5/5

I love this series. I love these characters. As far as I’m concerned, Helen Hoang cannot fucking miss. This is an excellent sequel to The Kiss Quotient, but can be read on it’s own no problem. This story follows Esme, a Vietnamese woman who is enlisted to travel to the US to woo and marry Khai, an autistic man who isn’t interested in dating (much to the concern of his mother). They’re both dealing with their own issues in this book. Khai is convinced that he can’t feel love, because he’s spent his entire life being told he’s demonstrating it in the wrong way. Esme is dealing with the struggles of a new immigrant, who wants to be able to support her family back in Vietnam (including her young daughter), while also dealing with the pressure to seduce Khai. Shenanigans ensue. These books have the perfect balance of sweetness/sexy appeal/angst. There is a good deal of miscommunication/misunderstanding/secret keeping in here, but it’d ultimately a minor issue in an overall really supportive relationship full of mutual admiration. I will absolutely be reading the third book, and I highly recommend the series overall. 

She Tempts the Duke (Book 1, Lost Lords of Pembrook) by Lorraine Heath

Rating: 3/5

This was fine. I’ve read better historical romance, but I have certainly read worse. This book follows Mary and Sebastian, childhood friends separated by a tragedy. When they were children, Sebastian and his brothers were forced to flee for their lives based on the actions of their power hungry uncle. Now, as adults, they have returned to reclaim their father’s title. Mary, who helped them escape, has just been allowed back into society after a childhood in a convent, and she must work extra hard to maintain her reputation in order to maintain her engagement. I’m sure you can imagine where it goes from there. The story itself is very simple, there were no twists or unexpected turns. The childhood friends aspect could’ve been played up more imo, but I did enjoy the care between the two leads. They really want what’s best for each other. The most interesting aspect for me was the relationship between the brothers, and how they’ve all been changed and hardened by their pasts.

Spoiler Alert by Olivia Dade

Rating: 3.5/5

This was cute! The book follows Marcus (a major actor in a GOT-esque blockbuster fantasy TV show on the rocks) and April (fan of the show). April and Marcus both write fanfiction for the same ship (half of which is Marcus’s own character), and have developed a strong online friendship, both keeping their identities secret. If anyone were to find out that Marcus writes show critical fanfic, he would be in serious legal trouble, not to mention what it would do to his reputation. April has been keeping her fandom life separate from her real life, in order to maintain credibility in her career. However, a new work environment gives her the confidence to be more open about her passions. April posts a cosplay of herself as one of the characters from the show (the other half of their ship). April is plus-size, and her cosplay gets a lot of attention, some of which being internet typical negativity. Marcus sees this hate online, and is so upset by it that he publicly praises her and asks her on a date (not knowing April is his fanfic buddy). Shenanigans ensue. I liked this book a lot, I thought the concept was cute and I loved how sweet Marcus was at all times. The relationship felt really grounded in the friendship/common interests of the characters. There is a lot of misunderstanding/miscommunication in this book, to the point where I did become frustrated, even if it is understandable based on the insecurities of the characters. 

Take A Hint, Dani Brown (Book 2, The Brown Sisters) by Talia Hibbert

Rating: 4/5

Zaf I am in love with you. This is the second book in the series but you can totally read it on its own without the context of the first book. This is the story of Dani (a bi phd student with a no relationship rule) and Zaf (an ex-pro rugby player turned security guard who loves romance novels and deals with extreme anxiety). Zaf and Dani work in the same building on a college campus, and have developed a casual friendship. During a fire drill gone wrong, a video of Zaf rescuing Dani goes viral, with everyone thinking they are a couple. Zaf wants to use the publicity to help his charity organization (helping teen boys learn emotional maturity), Dani wants a no-strings sex arrangement with Zaf, fake-dating ensues. This series is the blueprint for healthy relationships built on mutual respect and admiration, with two characters learning to deal with their own issues with the help and support of their potential romantic partner. If you don’t usually read romance bc of the genre-typical problematic content, consider checking this series out. 

One Foot in the Grave (Book 2, Night Huntress) by Jeaniene Frost

Rating: 3/5

This series follows Cat, a half human/half vampire hybrid who hunts vampires. In this book, set four years after the first, she is the leader of a vampire hunting secret government kill squad. Her ex-lover, the vampire Bones, who trained her and is basically the love of her life, reappears after four years of separation. They are very, very obviously Buffy and Spike (if Spike was a good guy). It was better than the first one. More/better humor, Cat is much less annoying. I liked the relationship dynamics, particularly with Cat and her team. It really kind of negates the big conflict set up at the end of the first book, so that all the relationship drama there feels very pointless. There is a TON of woman/woman hate in this series and it’s so cringey. I try to be lenient bc the books are old and I know that kind of attitude was common back then, but oh my god is it gross and weird. There is literally ONE female character Cat views in a positive lights, and she literally disappears into thin air 1/4 of the through the book. I wish the romance wasn’t so rushed (a complaint I had in the first book as well). If you like paranormal romance and don’t mind a pretty dated read, this series could be fun for you. 

Other

Rooms by Lauren Oliver

Rating: 3/5

I have no idea what genre to call this (literary fiction?? kind of??). It’s a ghost story and the story of a pretty messed up family dealing with their issues. The writing is really pretty, but the story feels kind of without substance. Like there are multiple POVs (the two ghosts haunting the house, the mother of the family, the sister and the brother, the niece), but none of them really struck any cords with me. I never felt emotionally connected to anyone. It was a really easy read, I enjoyed the writing. The concept was interesting. It just felt a little hollow and pointless to me, which sounds really harsh considering I by no means hated it. 

[drchristineputnam]

M/M romance recs

Here’s a list of my favourites! Organised by genre, with very broad summaries. All of them have HEA, all the m/m romances are the central ones. 

Names in bold have POC protagonists, names in cursive have disabled protagonists (be it physical disability, mental illness or chronic illness). In series with multiple couples, it’s usually one or more.

Feel free to ask me about triggers for any of them!

Historical:

Soldier’s Scoundrel by Cat Sebastian

Disabled regency war vet aristocrat decides to hang around a self-proclaimed ex-criminal helping those who need help. Said ex-criminal tries not to be charmed, ends up catching feelings instead

The Lawrence Browne Affair by Cat Sebastian

Confidence artist grows a conscience and angers dangerous people, so he needs to pose as a secretary to a scientifically minded, but eccentric Lord. Really beautiful portrayal of people on autistic spectrum and anxiety.

The Ruin of a Rake by Cat Sebastian

Posh and straight-laced gentleman has to help a famous scoundrel aristocrat to restore his image after a raunchy novel supposedly based on his exploits gets published. Contains ridiculous amounts of adorable kittens, tasty pastries and also wonderful portrayal of chronic illnesses

Sins of the Cities by KJ Charles

Trilogy set in victorian London, during the horrible London Fog of 1873. Three wonderful and diverse couples (one is half-indian with dyspraxia, one is non-binary, one was born with partial arm, one is near-sighted), murder mystery, fake mediums, lost earls, intrigue! It’s so good 

Wanted, a Gentleman by KJ Charles

A delightful and frankly hilarious regency romp through British countryside. An unlikely couple of men need to travel to Gretna Green to save a young girl from potentially dangerous marriage. One of the protagonists is a black ex-slave merchant and the book touches upon his experiences (very respectfully!)

Society of Gentlemen by KJ Charles

A Society of gentlemen who like other gentlemen, centered around Lord Richard Vane and his friends and acquitances. Set during the radical uprising during the Regency, it has everything- friendships and families, sedition, intrigue, bookstores and good wine, valets being the mightiest strategists and amazing lovable radicals. This trilogy is honestly my favourite thing EVER.

Think of England by KJ Charles

Wounded during the Boer war, seemingly because of treason and betrayal, Archie Curtis sets off to a countryside mansion to get to the bottom of the matter. Completely unprepared for the task, he teams up with Daniel da Silva, the elegant jewish poet, who is much more capable than he seems. Absolutely delightful <333

HISTORICAL PARANORMAL

Whyborne and Griffin series by Jordan L. Hawk

The adventures of a shy sorcerer linguistic nerd, his detective husband, the most badass lady archeologist (the actual love of my life) and more, as they save the world from otherworldly beings bent on destroying it. Will make you cry about found families, strong and wonderful friendships and broken people finding strength in each other. Has magic, archeology, monsters, reluctant travels, lesbian warrior fishes and the best ginger cat in the world.

Hexworld series by Jordan L. Hawk

Turn of the century New York witch detectives and their familiars must fight to uncover a conspiracy plan to change the world. Really amazing worldbuilding, the magic system is very cool and it will make you furious about the treatment of familiars. The familiars are, generally speaking, fucking hilarious.

A Charm of Magpies by KJ Charles

Filthy-mouthed dominant earl falls in love with a stubborn and heroic wizard, together they create magic. A lot of people want that magic though, and it gets ugly. First KJ book I’ve ever read and I fell in love instantly. Has two more books set in the same universe with different protagonists and those are also amazing. (Rag and Bone is the one with black protagonist)

A Death by Silver by Melissa Scott and Amy Griswold

University-era friends need to figure out their confused emotions, while investigating a murder that brings out bad memories. Very good and soft, with even a better sequel

Downtime by Tamara Allen

When in London for a case, FBI agent gets sent back in time to Victorian London. While there, he finds out magic is real. Decides that since he’s there anyway, might as well investigate who Jack the Ripper was. Very sweet and soft

Restless Spirits by Jordan L. Hawk

A medium and a scientist bent on proving said medium to be a fraud get chosen to be in a contest to prove which side is better. They end up having to team up to save lives of people around.

The Secret Casebook of Simon Feximal by KJ Charles

Journalist and writer Robert Caldwell has been a close friend and lover of ghost hunter Simon Feximal for years and has been chronicling their adventures. Now, he finally writes the true story of their life together. Warning: this book will absolutely ruin you for years to come. You will be a mess whenever you think of the book and you will enjoy every second of it.

Green Men by KJ Charles

Set in the world of The Secret Casebook of Simon Feximal. Only few years after WW1, Britain is still recovering from the war. Having lost an entire generation of youth and most of the sorcerers the country had, those left are completely unprepared for what’s to come. Wonderful characters, the softest romance I’ve read possibly ever and beautifully melancholic. Best KJ book, in my opinion.

CONTEMPORARY

Shadow of the Templar by M. Chandler

FBI agent and his team are tasked with catching a famous international art thief, they end up kinda sorta accidentally adopting him instead. One of the funniest series I’ve ever read, honestly.

Cut&Run by Abigail Roux and Madeleine Urban

The incredible adventures on an unlikely pair of FBI agents go from enemies to lovers. Includes serial killers, undercover luxury yacht trips, tiger trafficking, drugs, marine buddies and one of the genuinely best character developments I’ve read. Warning, the first book is a bit shit. The rest is absolutely incredible though.

The General and the Horse-lord by Sarah Black

Retired ex-military lovers need to figure out what to do with their relationship, now that they’re civillians. A soft look at older gay people still figuring out their sexuality.

The Foxhole Court by Nora Sakavic

Neil Josten is on the run from his mafia murderous father and gets signed up for a professional college sports team, while people are still after him. It’s a really powerful emotional journey, but contains a large amount of a very triggering content, so be safe please.

 CONTEMPORARY PARANORMAL

THIRDS series by Charlie Cochet

FBI like team consisting of shifters and their partners must investigate conspiracy and threats against the new shifter population. Ridiculously hilarious at times, absolutely heartbreaking at other.

Deep Magic by Gillian St. Kevern

A story steeped in welsh folklore, with beautiful mermaid princes and knights who will save them. Shows the power stories have to change our lives. Plus it’s free so what are you waiting for?

Psycop series by Jordan Castillo Price

A medium detective and his partner investigate a series of supernatural crimes. People are horrible, corporations are horrible, ghosts are horrible and lbr, everything is kinda horrible, but it gets better.

Wriggle and Sparkle by Megan Derr

The adventures of Lynn the Kraken shifter and Anderson the unicorn shifters, their detective careers, and their life together. Honestly adorable. And when I say adorable, I mean sparkles-on-rainbow-filled-cupcake kind of adorable. Also, Lynn’s gender-presentation is fluid and it’s absolutely wonderful.

FANTASY

Captive Prince by C.S. Pacat

Prince gets betrayed and sent as a slave to his sworn enemy, they end up working together to save their countries and fall in love. The best enemies to lovers example. Has amazing and complex politics, unreliable narrator and great worldbuilding. You’ve probably already heard of this book, but if you’re worried about triggers, please ask someone who actually read it, because there’s a lot of misinformation flying around.

Nightrunner series by Lynn Flewelling

The fantasy series of your dreams. There is ancient evil being revived, war is coming, everyone is bisexual and the kingdom is ruled by an ancient line of warrior queens. Everyone is wonderful and charming, characters are complex and the story will make you laugh and cry.

The God Eaters by Jesse Hajicek

Western-style world, where gods are reborn as humans, and one of them tried to control the whole world. It doesn’t go exactly as he planned.

Lord of the White Hell by Ginn Hale

Teenage genius inventor gets accepted to a prestigious boarding school in enemy territory. His room-mate might be demon-possesed and there’s some evil magic lurking around.

Champion of the Scarlet Wolf by Ginn Hale

Somewhat sequel to Lord of the White Hell. Disgraced noble travels to a faraway country, where he saves an injured dog. Turns out the dog isn’t just a dog, magic is everywhere around them and there’s a witch war coming.

Fairytales Slashed vol. 1 by Megan Derr

A collection of gay fairy tales. All kinds of stories with all kinds of characters (my favourite one is the one with the jester <333)

Dance with the Devil by Megan Derr

Adventures of half-ghost detective, his demon husband, imp partner, witch colleague and a vampire. Really cute and intriguing, with mysteries and conspiracies.

Dance in the Dark by Megan Derr

Set in the same universe as Dance with the Devil (there’s an entire series). Human son of a dracula becomes a detective, moves out to the city to help others, and gains a lover who only visits him in the dark.

The Rapier Brothers by Megan Derr

A collection of short stories centered around swordsmen. Three different couples, three really cute stories. Love it.