#pls ignore me I'm rambling

[lunacias]

(Silence. CARPENTER tries to rally HAYWARD's spirits. She's afraid she's going to lose him.)

"All three of us - we can all go on living, Hayward. Just like you said."

[secriden]

so i wonder if anyone else has thoughts about mame's choices regarding sky vs tongrak's stories and how she tackled the complexity of loving and being loved.

when i first heard about love sea, i saw a lot of people say that fortpeat were just re-cast as sky and prapai but with tongrak being older and richer than mahasamut. personally, i think that's a pretty reductionist view because mame explored the idea of being afraid to love and be loved from very different angles and perspective in these two stories.

i will give that there are some similarities on the surface - peat's character does that whole 'pretends to hate it but secretly loves it' thing; the cat-like 'push and pull' thing and fort's character is still a overly excited, loveable golden retriever of a human being with a strong sense of self; also both sky and tongrak have had experiences which make them both fearful of 'love'.

but i think while sky's main fear is being loved, tongrak's is very much a fear of loving.

like, sky's story is very... raw. it's an exposed nerve, tender and painful and present. sky's fear is so immediately tied to his trauma which he's still in the throes of. the betrayal he faced was from the one who claimed to love him and it's telling that sky's first flashback is not triggered by his feelings FOR prapai but by prapai expressing his 'love' for him. this trauma is intimate and physical and close, but that means that the start of his healing journey can begin because of an external force (prapai) giving him that safety but also physically removing the threat. when sky begins to feel safe again, he is able to begin healing.

in contrast: tongrak's trauma is relatively... hmmm, separated (? not the best word but...) on a physical level. it doesn't make it less or even less painful (or more, or more painful), but his fear of love largely stems from how he sees the people immediately around him being hurt by love. he's internalised the idea that love doesn't last. mahasamut starts confessing his feelings pretty early on; like episode 4 mahasamut straight up goes, 'well you can't stop me from loving you' and tongrak's disapproving but he's not triggered. what's the difference between this and episode 10, i think, is that tongrak's actively fighting his own awareness of his feelings for mahasamut. it's why his fight or flight response is triggered by vie calling him out about his feelings in episode 8 and also why he tries to force parameters back into their relationship (my take: i don't care if you love me but i won't love you) in episode 10. but it's also why his healing doesn't actually come from an external force - yes, vie kind of knocks him out of his depressed stupor by hiding the bracelet, but note that tongrak's has that breakdown realisation ('please come back, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, can't you please come back to me? i'm afraid you'll end up hating me (emphasis added) if you love me') before he has that chat with vie. he's already realised that the root of his fear of mahasamut's love isn't the love itself, but the fear that if he admits his own love for mahasamut, it will eventually get betrayed. it's also why even after he resolves that he wants to try at a relationship with mahasamut, he still can't say it. at this point, his father's a non-entity in terms of the fear of him going after his loved ones - he's already been proven a weakling and a coward and also they're physically on the island so removed from jak that it shouldn't be an immediate fear anymore. no; this struggle is completely internal and it's why we linger on his heartbreaking attempts to confess (also, love sea had some pacing issues but i'm so so grateful they took time to show this part; bless fort for insisting on it!). tongrak's afraid to love but he pushes and pushes himself, and finally breaks through and its entirely on his own terms because of his own strength.

i'm not saying sky's weaker for (in a sense) needing someone else to rescue him before he could heal, but i think it just speaks to mame really telling quite a different story of healing with tongrak.

like... have you ever thought you'd healed from something and then it comes back in an unexpected way but then your response to the trigger is also different? the pain is there but it's... at once deeper but also more distant? a deep pulse rather than a high pitched shriek? and the way you go about beginning this new phase of healing is also different? i think that's whats happening here.

it's fascinating how us humans can fear vulnerability in so many ways, so many forms, on so many levels but i think the lesson mame's stories tell is that sometimes it really is worth it to become vulnerable. not with everyone, and not all the time (goodness, that would be foolish). but also, keep holding onto hope. keep looking for that right person, keep being kind to yourself and others. know that it's ok if your healing feels different, if you didn't catch it some point in the past, its not too late.

you'll be ok.

[crowdeerdire]

I have a lot of thoughts about Percy Tozaki (from Keyframes VN) and I just... I wanna write them down but I need to go through the game again (I never trust my own memory lmfao). wait nvm I started and I can't stop my thought train elp Like on the surface he acts very charsmatic and charming, but you can see SO often in the game that he often steps back and let's others shine over himself? And like... He's always looking out for the other two guys? Like he'll make sure Jamie gets something he likes to eat/willing to eat? He grabed a ton of lemonade for Elio to reward him for being nice (despite saying that's not what he's doing). He makes sure everyone is seen while he just... steps back?? LIKE. I SEE YOU PERCY. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING Also I haven't played everything out there yet of Keyframes, but I noticed he never really talks much about himself/family? He always ends up talking about Elio's family and it sounds like once they became friends in highschool he was always there? So I'm like??? hello is there angst there?? AND THEN I did the event where they go to halfway point and he says he got into his school career path because he's just kind of good at it? Like that might not sound like much, but before I got that scene I was thinking for my MC that she just became a lawyer because she was told 'it's either that or you're worthless' (better phrased but I'm sleep deprived). And when that scene came up you had the option of saying your family was a line of lawyers and that just lined up with her so well? So I'm not thinking that Percy is the same since each answer seems to line up with each li (Family is in that career <- Elio, Wants to help people <- Cameron, Jamie [not sure because I haven't done his route but he reacts to this line], In it for the money <- Not sure because I forgot to check the reactions for this line), but I'm thinking maybe he was pressured to go that career path from family?? PROBABLY reading too much into it but it is interesting that he never mentions his own family... MAN even at the Spring Festival he says he wants to play games but the other derail him/get to do what they want? And when you hang out as a group (I havn't done the indivdual hang outs yet) you just never end up doing the games?? Well, the ones where you can win a cheap toy prize. You do some fun challenges together, but I don't think that's what he was aiming for when he said what he wanted to do. (Spoilers from asks from Blank House after this) Also I saw through Blank House asks that one of the li routes is gonna include a breakup? And my first thought is: Jamie, of course. He's international so he might break up with you because he's going back to Sweden? but what if it's one of the other lis... AND I can't see it being Elio... (if it was that would come from left field LOL) (ok done about the BH ask) ANYWAYS PERCY I SEE YOU. I SEE YOUR PAIN AND I CAN'T WAIT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU

[reanimatedgh0ul]

it's crazy to me that angsty broody danny™ is as popular as it is in fanon when it's like first off have you even MET danny and secondly SAM EBONY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY MANSON IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE OUT OF ANYONE IN THE TRIO SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S GONNA ACT LIKE THAT OK I NEED MORE OF Y'ALL TO REALIZE THIS

THIS RIGHT HERE IS LITERALLY WHAT SAM VS DANNY WOULD LOOK LIKE ACTUALLY

[nero-neptune]

this is how vic can still win: victor aguilar is basically jason todd, so like. non-zero chance he comes back in a goofy mask, causing a scene, and making it oz's problem.

[ruleofrosethorns]

wait isidor burakh sent letters to both artemy and daniil to visit the town at the same time?? my man was really just trying to get his son a date lol

[storfulsten]

eaouuugh

[svtskneecaps]

feel like the global tasks sweep strat should probably be nerfed somehow. my thought would be, give each team an individual ten minute overall cooldown on global task claims. that is to say, a certain team can only claim one global task per ten minutes. say, deliver gas masks, and then in ten minutes you're allowed to deliver tea, and then after another ten minutes you can claim hot chocolate.

another teams would be able to claim a global task for bananas during this time, and their own ten minute cooldown would start.

(the global tasks can either keep their individual ten minute cooldown [i.e. after tea is claimed no one else can claim tea for ten minutes] or a slightly shorter cooldown, say 5-7 minutes)

when a global task is claimed, everyone is notified, right? if not, in my hypothetical, they will be.

then, a team trying to sweep six tasks at once would actually take sixty minutes to do, allowing another team to swoop in and have a chance to stop it in cinematic, entertaining fashion rather than tubbo having to grind resources and then log out in front of the merchant to counter this, which is boring for everyone (including the person delivering). plus, if a team cuts it down to the last second and ends up getting delayed, they physically wouldn't have time to make a delivery, meaning even being a BIT of a nuisance could be a viable strategy, even if you can't manage to kill; if you can STALL you could still wreck their plans.

that's my dream anyway idk i'm not a game designer. just think it would be interesting for most players

(i elaborate under)

red team would have to shake up their strategies, which is fun since they're a team that kinda has to rely more on strategy than outright brawn (overall the team's pvp can't be relied on unless they have carre or phil, as seen today when pierre, bad, and etoiles attacked phil cellbit foolish and baghera, and cellbit and foolish both died to etoiles in the attack, despite it being a 4 on 1 at the time. baghera was killed by bad soon after. phil was the one to get the kills. the first day, when blue attacked [niki, tubbo, and bad as i recall] carre got both kills)

the other teams would then still have a way to stop a global sweep since a sweep would have to start earlier, allowing not only more time to arrive at global to pvp about it, but ALSO allowing another team to swoop in and steal the goal out from under the team again

i'm gonna use it in a scenario bc i'm badboyhalo and i can't stop myself from making examples:

so, tonight, if the proposed cooldown was in place, bad and tubbo would both still had roughly 17 minutes when red team would have HAD to start the sweep process if they wanted all six global tasks: 1 hour until the server closed at absolute MINIMUM. more for safety's sake.

therefore, in this scenario, there's a lot to happen

blue team could wait at globals, knowing red will probably try this strategy, and attempt or perhaps SUCCEED in killing red. if they kill red entirely, the operation is a wash; red doesn't have to gear to come back from scratch and take out blue team, and even if they could, the travel time to return to globals alone would mean they wouldn't get all the global tasks, potentially meaning they don't take the lead. if blue team is unable to kill red and dies themselves or has to retreat, but succeeds in delaying red, red would face the same problem.

if red sends in all of the task items on one person, and that person dies, even if the rest survived, blue could loot the items from that person and would be able to either use the items themselves, if green is currently the owner, or could run away with the items, effectively wasting red's time and again, meaning they wouldn't get all tasks claimed even if they were able to overtake the runner and reclaim their items.

i'm unclear what would happen if red divided the task items between them since it seems like the person claiming the task doesn't have to have all (or any? again, unclear) the items in THEIR inventory in order to claim so long as a teammate is nearby with the items in their inv (evidence: pac's vod "voltei... o que tá acontecendo no QSMP?!" at roughly 3:00:00; tubbo claims tea and tea is taken out of pac's inventory. i don't know the limits of this strategy)

blue team also has time to swoop in and steal a global task out from under red during this time. say, if red team had claimed the task for 10 tea leaves, upping the price to 15 tea leaves, and then blue team snuck in and claimed the task and set the price up to 20 tea leaves, (since the proposed 10 minute cooldown on claims would be TEAM LIMITED; red's cooldown applying to red only and so on). if red waited until the last second, they wouldn't have the time to reclaim this task even if they did have the resources, possibly forcing them to start their sweep earlier to counter this possibility, at which point team members who had logged on earlier and are out of time by the end of the night, OR members who live in time zones that don't allow them to stay up until server close, may have an easier shot at participating in defending against a global sweep.

all of this DIRECT CONFLICT would make for good audience entertainment and heighten the stakes of an attempted global sweep, since it would practically have to be one team defending globals for an hour while they pipe all their resources into it, knowing that if they die another team could easily swipe their task resources and use it themselves (along with the rest of their gear). it makes it more interesting, while still mostly viable.

plus it would force more strategizing for red team which is maybe just a personal plus, i just really like seeing people planning both in advance and in spur of the moment. it's really satisfying to see how a plan comes together and succeeds or fails; plus, since red team is the main team using this strategy at the moment and their main draw and strength as a team is cohesion and communication this would be completely fucking riveting for me as a viewer so maybe this is just a personal thing. but i really really think it would be fun

but again, i'm not a game designer, or a qsmp player, or a qsmp admin, or honestly even really a gamer? so maybe i'm off my rocker and out of my gourd and this isn't viable or balanced in any way shape or form but YKNOW what is this blog except putting stupid thoughts into the void and seeing if this time the void spits back hate mail so. i'm folding this into a paper airplane and throwing it into the abyss. hopefully it made sense.

k love you appreciate you getting this far, have a good week!!

(i hope your team gets a win in dramatic fashion and celebrates together!!! i hope they come together and unleash a plan so spectacular it takes the server by storm!!! i hope it's so good it becomes a vod you go back to even years in the future!!!! i hope you have a good week!!!!!)

[lonely-north-star]

i wonder how public transit works in the devildom.

like there's trains yes, but are there buses? do you think there's an underground water tunnel for water demons? do demons really not use their wings because it's considered old fashioned? (mammon nb card)

do you think mc is allowed to travel alone, or do they always have to have a companion?

imagine taking the bus for a grocery run or to a library or a store or a cafe. do they just walk everywhere? it takes a while to learn teleportation magic

I'm barely surviving in the real world while being terrified of driving, I can't imagine my MC trying to get around in the Devildom ajsjd

[dinosauring130]

You know you have a problem when you start RELATING to the song Waving Through A Window

[cruelsummerx]

You ever like.. really fucking hate yourself and wish you were different in every single way?

[dangerousdan-dan]

Just when I'm trying to be more social again, something will happen that reminds me why I'm a hermit

[damiemontclair]

Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

something about going on pinterest after a long productive day of studying and it's the evening and you're tired and feeling kinda funky and stumble upon an edit of one of your favourite ships and it just feels sooo good. like it just feels so right, the particular edit. the way the graphics and cuts are designed and the music and the fancasts, it itches just right. seems to be a monthly thing too.

[blizzardfluffykpop]

why the fuck do i miss pigeons

[queerofthedagger]

and what is he so pretty for when on his knees i mean what