#please. i wanna get it done by tomorrow.
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huuhfhshfjd oc raya hc,,, noctis would be someone who recycles(?) baju raya while aeron would like to get new ones each year with price tags that would give noct a heart attack 👍
#by raya i mean eid ul fitr#heeeh i should try drawing them sometime. but not before i finish drawing what i'm *supposed* to be drawing goddamnn!!!!!#please. i wanna get it done by tomorrow.#anyway maybe they can have a colour theme.... of course it would most likely be purple lol#maybe i can ramble a bit abt fun facts abt traditional malay outfits#ok now i wanna draw izz with it too... omg. ..... ...#oc talk
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the wacky thing about phobias is that you can be sooo cognizant and aware of the reality of the situation and it doesnt do jackshit for how you respond
saw a cockroach in my car and it immediately vanished, so i spent 10+ mins knowing i needed to get back to my motel and that my worst-case-scenario was literally harmless, all the while refusing to start the car bc i couldn't stop waiting for it to reappear
#i did eventually get home#thank god the roads were empty#genuinely not sure what i wouldve done if thered been traffic#bc i sure as hell wouldnt wanna repeat those driving techniques around other cars#had to talk myself thru my driving the whole way back bc i kept trying to look around the car for it#anyways fuck kansas all my homies hate kansas i cant wait to get out of here#the stars were p nice tho#also guys please give me comments that will help me convince myself that bugs cant survive in cars overnight#i have a 6hr drive home tomorrow#i need to believe this thing is gone#phobia#entomophobia#phobias
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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i have winter break next week and i wanna have fun
#ive been so sad tinught im gonna have my period soon#im so gonna get it so that it ruins the whole fucking break😭#its gonna ruin all the fun if i get it next week#it better come tonight i swear#im gonna be with my friends but ill be rude and sad and its gonna ruin everything#i hate being alive#yeah no it’s definitely coming. soon cause im crying about it rn#i just ohhhhmy god does it have to be me???? specifically???!????#im gonna kill god#can i just get it rn and have it done by the weekend please#please please please let me get what i want lord knows it would be the first time#😔😔😔😔😔#ong its gonna start tomorrow trust with the way im so emotional rn#i fucking hate myself#i shouldve gone in the shower earlier cause its gonna be So Bad but i have to do it tonight#i wanna fucking kms#sorry im oversharing
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rip my attention span
#eugh#personal#BRAIN YOU'VE BEEN STARING AT THE DOC FOR A GOOD WHILE NOW YOU OKAY UP THERE BUDDY?#I KNOW YOU WANNA GO TO BED AND READ AND GET THE AUTISM CREATURE DONE SIMULTANEOUSLY BUT UH#ITS DUE TOMORROW BUDDY#COME ON PLEASE GET BACK UP HERE WE KINDA NEED YOU#welp#good luck me ahaha#anyways#will prob delete this later
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it's not going too well
#cw vent#but#:[ i feel so baaad about it idk#one of the only things im known for in school is self harm and i dont wanna go back tomorrow#and now it feels like sh is basically my only recognisable thing#so everytime i look down at my arms and see scars fading away i just feel so terrible about it#what am i doing? why am i not cutting myself tahts what im meant to do thats what ive always done!! thats all anubody wants from me#i kinda really don't like how#basically everykne in my school really doesn't like me much cuz all i really have going is that i cut myself#have autism#and may or may not be a tranny#even though all of those things are things that are true qnd i dont even think they're bad things#i just. i dunno. i feel bad. like genuinely they have one thing they want me to do#and thats hurting myself!! but im not even doinf that right now#this is so dumb. all my problems are dumb as fuck huh#im so scared of school now#its not even just how the people act#when i go into the corridors there are so many people#so when im finally alone it always feels like theres someone behjdn me. its scaring meee i dunno. i hate school#please dont make me go back tgere. wait no what do you mean this is gonna be another three or so years#and even after those threes years i still have to go to university.. and get a job#this is the rest of my life i think and that makes me sad#i really tried to like school i tried so so hard to like school#but its so difficult. too many people too many noises#too many rumours and too many ableists#there are also too many tags on this post#but rlly the bad part of school has never been the work for me. im a dumbass but i do like learning#weh. dont make me go back. can i sleep for 72 hours instead of going to school#i hate walking into that stupid building everyday and being able to feel everybodys eyes go onto me#its all so scary. i should stop venting on here but i probably won't im sorry
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if i'm honest, i'm having a bout of " am i being annoying? " so i might just see myself out till tomorrow. i hate to do that bc i really wanna get my drafts queued, but i also don't think it's good for me to force myself to do something if i'm feeling off. maybe i'll surprise myself and come back and write? but i'm not gonna stress about it too much -- or at least try not to :' )
please take care of yourselves and remember it's alright to take a break when you need one <3 in general ofc, but especially on this silly lil website bc this is a hobby -- not a job!!
#gotta remind myself constantly that most people are very kind and patient and so i should be that way to myself too#and truly no one's done anything!! to make me feel annoying!! it's just me questioning myself bc i tend to impulsively post memes#and get fixated on certain topics/ideas/etc.#and then i do take ages to write#so i worry and tonight's one of those days where i feel self conscious that maybe i'm doing too much#i do feel silly that i'm feeling down but i also just kinda don't wanna be here bc i've made myself uncomfortable#so maybe it's best that i head out and relax and focus on other things for a little bit#this is a rambling mess of tags asdfg but please have a good night for me friends <3 i'll be back tomorrow goofing off as usual <3#get ready to ramble | ooc#tw negative
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up next on chapter 36 of idol sengen… _(:3 」∠)_
#(my toxic trait is that i’ll complain about my work endlessly but still end up doing it anyway… eventually.)#there’s rant 1 (ft. a need to deduce what asuna is saying in full) and rant 2 (which is available in full but still…)#there’s also another mona-rambling session in chapter 38… that im not touching with a 50 foot pole#(all you need to know for that mona-rambling [about frusu] is that mona’s frusu oshi is all of them)#(and that she thinks miyu is like *the* pinnacle of centres in idol groups)#(also someone won a junior dance competition but idk who bc it’s obscured lmao)#can i outsource these panels for a corn chip lmaoooo#m. maybe i should’ve actually worked on this while i was still unemployed last month huh…#bc excuse me company wdymmmmmm im starting work next monday?? the interview was just this monday hello?#ig the interviewer was legit when she said ‘so if i asked you if you can start work next monday—’ huh…#sigh… maybe ch 36 next month then… i’ll do my best over the weekend thoughhhhh#seriously though why is this volume so text heavy l m a o i really wanna get to chapter 40 but…#and then there’s the hard to clean text boxes which… aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#…though i guess i should just count myself lucky that the chapters are still short enough to fit into a single post (with the image limits)#but dang. i just realised that my manga sengen thing has a page on manga updates lmao#who put it there lmaooooo and why is it only up till vol 2? wait. no. what. why does it link to manga.dex#bc dang. someone really had the time to dl the thing image by image? no wonder why they stopped after vol 2…#guess i might as well say why i dont want people to reupload my tls… since we’re in the final stretch and all#so. aside from the obvious ‘idw the creators to find out about it’… i probably made a ton of mistakes while tling it. esp in the early chaps#so i’d like to. y’know. have the chance to update the tls where possible. i’ve done that a couple of times already tbh.#like with rippei’s name post-vol 4 release. and some of the typesetting is p. gross in the early chaps tbvh#i swear tling idol sengen has made me incredibly conscious of grammar and typesetting like you wouldnt believe#esp with official tls… fan tls will always be perfect to me no matter how wonky the wording bc it’s hard but honest work yk#official tls (esp a.i tls) get no concessions from me bc it’s their job that they’re getting paid to do yk.#in any case (if you’ve read this far) if you see any mistakes in the tl please lemme know~~~ please dont hold back on your criticisms ok~~~?#just sound ‘em out in dms here or sth. don’t worry~~~ i won’t eat y’all if you try to correct me~~~~~ unless you’re the md reuploader (jk)#and ik i disabled comments on the other blog (or tried to at least) but that’s bc idw bots to flood the comments bc that’s annoying as he—#anyways sorry for the idol sengen wait (if anyone was waiting for it…) i’ll improve on my work ethic… tomorrow. maybe.
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getting a migraine today of all days was so evil
#i wanna talk about me#i had a quick doc appt in the morning but after that i was home all day with no commitments#i had so much i wanted to get done re: packing and schoolwork#but my headache just wiped me tf out for most of the afternoon and evening#i ended up taking like a ninety minute nap cause i just felt so out of it#i did manage to finish my music history reading for tomorrow though i only had a couple of pages left#and i finished one reading for my library professions class. the longest one. but i didn't get to any of the others or the recorded lecture#like i wanted to#i did get my new internet set up. and made a big dinner with leftovers for the next couple of days#but. absolutely no new progress made on packing.#and no one on facebook marketplace is following up on the bedding i'm trying to get rid of 😫#i'm giving it away for free but the only three hits i've got never responded past the first message guys Please. Just Take It...#in hindsight it's probably the weather that did me in today. it's been rainy i think this is the straggling edge of a tropical storm or smt#i don't think pressure is exclusively the cause of my migraines but it does seem sometimes to coincide? idk...#i really ought to see a neurologist. but. sigh#not right now#i just better not get another one tomorrow or saturday or i'll turn into the joker fr. cannot be dealing with this again this week#ibuprofen isn't enough i need novocaine in my grey tissue
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Procrastinating uni work so much I keep refreshing the FIA documents page to see the outcome of the Aston Martin v Ferrari protest of results situation. Can you tell how much I struggle with motivation for that stupid degree?
#f1#formula 1#personal#aston martin#scuderia ferrari#i don’t know if I want them to hurry up or give me an excuse to procrastinate this even longer#but i also really wanna spend tomorrow writing and chill out after the race and have a nice sunday so i should probably start working#please yell at me if you see me on here before i get this done#it’s just 6 problems surely i can get this done in a day
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redrew this meme with my sona because. yeah
#my art#my mom's making me a doctor's appointment tomorrow i think#shout out to my mom for real#yeah though even when i feel sorta better i still can't do what i need to do#i wanna work on a piece for a zine i'm in but it is. so fucking complex. and i'm so dizzy i can't do the lines properly#it's fucked up. medicine hasn't helped.#hopefully i feel better enough to get stuff done tomorrow.#and/or i get a doctor's appointment soon#here's hoping it's an easy fix like some kind of infection and not another chronic thing#or a new symptom of my existing chronic things. eugh#please for the love of fuck just let me have energy to do more than game for an hour tomorrow#aughhhhhhh#sorry about the venty tags i just. augh.
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I'm so over seeing people because I know it'll just end in one conversation I know we're all trying to deal with it or whatever but can we just. Idktalk about literally anything else?
#only three ropics#school; thw nad mental health of Person A and the [redacted]#and all of them are kind of strung together too#so you can't do school without beinging up [redacted] or zhe mental health and you can't bring up mental health without somehow ending up#at [redacted] again#i get it i can relate to some extent but i just don't want it shoved into my face anymore can we please just talk about literallx anything#thats not. you know. That.#you can't really ask that because it's a difficult situation but still.#i don't wanna go tomorrow i can bot be bothered to go there tomorrow#acquaintance circle bonding or whatever be damned I'm so done with all of this#delete eventuallx#vent
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SCREAMING RN Worst night of my life
I was successful for almost 2 years from prevening my brain from being a piece of shit and splitting but I guess this weekend we're getting 2 fictives because Fuck me Ig
Tbh could care less about Shadow bc yk what he's fine. I don't have to worry about his ass being feral and being completely reckless
Spamton Fucking NEO on the other hand I- I hate this I hate everything rn I wish system hoping was real GET ME OUT OF HERE
#❄️ You guys have absolutely no idea how hard I've been fighting not to split into that bastard ever since chapter 2 came out#And to fucking top off the cake. There's a secret 3rd alter I've also been trying to sweep under the carpet#Also#Apparently the Ad fucker has absolutely no idea how to properly control the body this is an absolute nightmare#otherwise he seems nice actually#I don't wanto be mean right off the bad I just hate this whole process#Literally all day has been nothing but me and him blurring together on and off till now and it's horrible#With Shadow it was completely fine. Just showed up and immediately made his presence known#Aka by insulting my skating skills out on the rink bc I couldn't stop overthinking e v e r y t h i n g#God ok ok ok#I'm done venting now#system shenanigans#I'm going to cry if we end up getting a Kris fictive tomorrow I cannot just keep splitting PLEASE#I don't Wanna be a poly system I don't think I can even keep up with 30+ alters#I am already struggling with more than 25#Help
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I thought I would have a nice day today, but it turn into a big fight how great
#my mom is constantly saying we don’t care about her and that we won’t let her express herself#but the way she need to express herself hurts both me and my dad so we kindly tell to not do it please#but she get offended cause she take it that we don’t care about her feeling and take the side opposite of her#but once we tell her she dosen’t consider OUR feelings she repeat that we don’t care about HERS#no you’re the one only caring about your feeling#I’m exhausted I’m already so stress and confused about what to do I need money and the store won’t call back so I need to find somethin#but there’s nothing around my house that won’t end with me having having panic attack everyday like at my old job#but she won’t hear a word we say if we ever tell her she does something to hurt us she takes it as an insult#she says to take her as she is and she will never change even tho we tell her it hurts us but we should change and and absorb everything#todays conversation was one we have often and I feel the same way she does about the subject but I hate talking about it we don’t have#to keep talking about it what is done is done no matter how much we talk against it it just hurt#even when I told her it was mentally the worst time of my life she still thing that I should listen to her complain non stop and have#to think about it when it just hurt#i feel like Imm just repeating but imm so tired of everything and don’t wanna go in detail I hope it still clear#we had plans today and everything is just ruin#i would continue playing my game and stay distract but this ruined my mood so bad#tomorrow is probably gonna be bad to cause my botch my parents are stubborn especially my dad and he won’t talk to her now and probably#won’t tomorrow neither and she’s gonna be mad and say that he should get over it#i would cause I hate to fight I just want peace but he’s not like that#i love them but they are exhausting sometimes#i wish I could just leave but I have no one to meet and I’m scared if I leave they are going to fight even more today or tomorrow#or that my mom will get offended idk#i wish I wasn’t coming back to complain but I need to ‘’speak’’ somewhere or I’ll break down 😭#I’m not here often and I don’t feel like scrolling you can tag me in things if you want it would help or use my tag for your content 💕#I’ve been stalking a tag for a couple of days that’s why I couldn’t resist reblog that nice Eri post when I came earlier and keep reblogging#alex.txt#tw negative
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I’m kind of done with being sick rn.
Like…3 or 4 days? I didn’t even wanna be sick one day, but I put a mask on and went to my GED with a stuffed up nose because I couldn’t reschedule. I was so brave, that should at least reduce my sick days.
And I passed!
Please Mr. Universe, I just want energy to work on my cosplay! PLEASE! I’m already on a deadline, I’ve had such a stressful week let me be rewarded!! Let me go as MK to a costume block party please!
#I deserve a reward but my cold is stubbornly hanging on#I smacked my GED in the face please let this cold be gone by tomorrow#lego monkie kid#I wanna get MK done before Saturday and it’s Wednesday
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i have so much i need to get done today godddddddd
#send help#i gotta do all this job application related shit today and then im tasked for a few things for this weekend for mania week stuff#i can push one thing for tomorrow but pretty much everything else needs to be done today while i have a good computer access ugh#im so tired i dont wanna i just wanna write#cause ofc when i finally get my groove back with that im punched in the face with everything else that demands attention#also annoyed at chris for only selling some shirts in the us shows and not actually in the dbru drop cause ofc i cant have nice things#and im still having other issues with myself on top of being dead tired so like#yeah life isnt fun. i'll hopefully manage for now but jfc#anyways the point of this was please send me distractions so i can take breaks in between working on everything before i lose my mind#night is an absolute mess on main
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