#had to talk myself thru my driving the whole way back bc i kept trying to look around the car for it

[agnes-come-back-challenge]

the wacky thing about phobias is that you can be sooo cognizant and aware of the reality of the situation and it doesnt do jackshit for how you respond

saw a cockroach in my car and it immediately vanished, so i spent 10+ mins knowing i needed to get back to my motel and that my worst-case-scenario was literally harmless, all the while refusing to start the car bc i couldn't stop waiting for it to reappear

[shortnsweetgf]

i feel you may be getting more than you bargained for

im poly btw. t4t etc etc etc whatever. anyways. up until yesterday i had two gf’s, one who was ldr and the other who’s my roommate’s sister. literally broke up with the first one last night bc poly stuff wasn’t working for her which is hence why i asked this other person to make me a drink, and she knows why bc she went how are youuuu and i was so tired and i’m like hm. i don’t know her well enough to be honest and thought about it for way too long so i was just silent for like a minute and then laughed and went im fineeee and she was like THAT was a response. n then i was blushing bc fuck she’s CUTE. like damn im over here trying to be normal. the amount of times i’ve sat in this kitchen looking at someone with heart eyes while my roommate is semi oblivious is embarrassing. anyways. like i said. best behavior. im leaving them be. plus i have work tomorrow

housing situation is a whole mess of its own but, my roommate’s sister isn’t *actually* his sister, she’s found family but they consider each other that. when i first met her she was wearing like tight leggings and a crop top and i was trying so so hard but i was looking and she said since seeing me she had already decided she’d be down if i was. roommate had a bday party and we ended up talking more and cuddling and yeahhhh. it was pretty great tbh. she’s so sos so so so cool (she’s also like 8 years older than me but that’s besides the point) and so nice and she drives a lime green motorcycle and i’ve ridden on the back of it and tbh it wasn’t as scary as i thought it was gonna be! i trust her. anyways she’s picking me up from work tomorrow and we’re going to this arcade bar that i’ve never been to with her friends and i’m nervous bc i haven’t met her friends, it is still a work night, night stuff isn’t always my scene and i still need to get my new loops. but anyways being with her is like hella new, like, maybe a little over a week and given things with the last person i told her i want to take things slow (ish) given how we started and it seems like we’re on the same page. so a lot going thru my head rn.

one, heartbreak bc literally last night and. OH FUCK. OH FICK FUCODJDJDJ okay. so. call me an asshole if u want but we broke up over text which is a whole thing and i apologized for it bc i should’ve waited. but she kept wanting like. like complete and total resolution and i didn’t want to lie to her. anyways i felt like i should resolve this more so i said we could call tn and i totally. fucking. forgot. gonna kms it’s way too late now, tf am i supposed to say to her. i was dreading that phone call but now i’m kicking myself im sitting here like half tipsy and a little giddy and FUCk

OH THIS GOT WILDER im not sober enough to know jow to answer yoh rn but good luck bestie i hope everything works out 😭

[mangoposts]

OKAY im finally alone so TW for anyone reading this, i will be mentioning rape & knives/scars.

i'll try to make this short but the summer before i went into 10th grade, i had hung out w this guy and i really did just wanna hang out and go for a drive, but he thought i wanted to hook up. i definitely did not because i was a virgin and never done anything with a guy at all. he was a senior and a lot bigger than me and forced me into having sex w him, i kept saying no and stop and take me home but he just kept getting angrier and eventually held a knife to my like pubic bone? pelvis? just down there idk. so i caved. i hated every second and cried but i stopped fighting. i haven't had sex since then, im 20 years old now and i haven't even been fingered by a guy, never given or received head, and never given a handjob. and im honestly really embarrassed about it and wanna have sex with someone SO BADLY but im scared.

the main reason i'm scared isn't because i'm scared i'll be forced into it again, although that is absolutely in the back of my mind. i'm completely fine now and over the situation, but it does worry me that i could get overwhelmed and the guy im with wouldn't wanna stop. but my bigger fear which im 100x more embarrassed of, is what a guy is gonna think when he sees my pussy. now hear me out bc i know that sounds weird😭 but all throughout high school i always heard guys make comments about how ugly this girls pussy is or how gross this girls is and it terrified me. but now i'm even more scared because of what that guy did to me, he literally cut into my skin and left scars. what is a guy gonna think when he sees that? how am i supposed to explain all this? i just i have a lot of questions and concerns but i'm a fucking 20 year old "virgin" if i can even call myself that, i've technically had sex but i didn't want it so idk if i even count that as a body. i just have been panicking over this for forever and have no idea what to do, if you have any advice at all i'd really appreciate it so so much

- 🌙

Oh baby :-(. Im so sorry this happened to you. You were really young and you didn’t deserve that whatsoever, if you can feel it im giving you a hug thru the phone. Im so so so sorry and i hope that man is dead in a ditch somewhere 🤍

On the other hand, i promise you you have nothing to worry about at all. Im telling you rn and i know it sounds so corny and lame and everybody always says this but its true, the right person is not going to judge you for anything and im so Fr when i say that. Trust when i was in high school guys would say all kinda stupid shit like that about girls in the school and it never bothered me because i knew there was at least one person out there who wouldn’t care about anything other people would talk shit about, and i was right 🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s so many people out there who would find u beautiful the way u are and just because some guys in the past thought in that immature goofy ass way doesn’t mean every guy will you know what i mean?

Babe, my only advice for you is to stay the way you are, hang out w ur frennies and the right person is gon come trust. It’ll come when you aren’t looking for it or worrying about it, when you least expect it to be honest. What you went through was horrible and it might be the worlds way of saying you gotta give yourself time before exploring that area of your life yanno. There’s NOTHINGGG wrong with being a virgin at any age let alone 20. You’re still young and you have ur whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry about this, when it happens it’s gonna be fine you’ll see it

Thank you so much for trusting me to be vulnerable with, im sorry if im treating you too delicately im just speaking thru the soul rn 😭 And again im sorry this happened to you. Even if i dont know u i love u a lot and im proud of you for moving past the situation despite how hard it might’ve been

Also im sorry for taking awhile to get back to you, i just scrolled through my inbox and finally found this

[milo-is-rambling]

Don't want to sleep bc when I woke up this morning it was too early so I went back to bed and spent like two hours falling in and out of sleep and in and out of a dream about my dad where he was alive again (weird as fuck to say that cause it still has not actually clicked in my brain that my dad is dead) and he kept trying to do things in the dream like go to sleep or go into a different room and I was like talking him out of it and I kept my eye on him constantly so he couldn't leave and it was like he got away from me and went to bed or something and the second he walked out of the room we were in I woke up and then I just kind of stared at my ceiling feeling bad for like an hour and it fucking sucked and my mom wasn't home when I got up again cause it was like noon and she had a work lunch today and left at 11 so I was home alone with my dog and I had that dream and then felt really truly alone and I realized that my dad dying fucked with my already bad abandonment issues and like I know that he didn't die and leave me on purpose obviously but like he's missing from my life now and he's not gonna be with me through all these future experiences I imagined having him there for like I'm not dating anyone and haven't dated anyone like long term serious recently so he's not gonna be able to ever meet the person I truly fall in love with or like be at my wedding and he's never gonna be able to have a Christmas together with me and my future family or even have grandkids and my dad loves kids and my neighbor (his best friend) has grandkids who knew my dad and like I played with them in the pool and we hung out a lot this last year and there's one kid who has the same name as my dad so they always said little bill and big bill for my dad and his friends grandkid and next time they come to visit we have to tell them something happened to big bill and he's not gonna be around anymore and it just fucking sucks. Death sucks Greif sucks I keep saying y'know "love doesn't go anywhere" "the pain of grief is just all the love you have to give still" "blah blah blah you're supposed to cry" but like I can say it as many times as I want I am still definitely not dealing with this at all. I barely legitimately cry about it like I'll drop like three tears when a specific song comes on Spotify shuffle but I haven't cried hard really and I avoid looking at pictures of him or anything or letting myself have any emotion about it and I think it's bc of this big huge shame monster I have in my chest that I call my heart but it truly does not let me experience emotions around other people like god damn I didn't realize how bad it was like I thought I had more control over it and I was just being edgy or whatever but I legitimately cannot handle crying in front of another person even my mom who I am the closest with out of anyone in my life like it's just me and my mom and millie and that's my whole fucking world and even with them I just can't let myself cry or feel actual emotion and the second I start crying I immediately lose all sadness I had cause my body just turns it off like someone fucking turned off a faucet like I cry a little bit completely alone when im driving and I can't really fully let it out cause I need to focus on driving that's the only way I can cry anymore cause even completely alone I am judging myself from my head and won't let myself cry and I keep trying and trying and I just do not know how to let myself cry and I feel like I have this giant inflatable swimming pool filling with so much water that it actually rips the plastic and explodes that's what I feel behind my eyes and nose at all times it's one big emotion blob right there and I can't fucking let it explode no matter how hard I try and I've been fucking trying. I rewatched all my crying shit and haven't been able to get an actual breakdown started at all it's pissing me off I want to just feel my feelings so I can work thru them but also every time I cry I feel so much shame like how do u fix that so I can cry really hard for like two months straight

[pinkykitten]

I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive? 

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head. 

2.  Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby.  4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts? 

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different. 

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again. 

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it. 

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer. 

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species  hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot. 

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible. 

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys. 

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by��melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much. 

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho. 

3. What is the last song that inspired you? 

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making. 

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical. 

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered​, @ardentmuse​, @acciosnapes​, @lotsoffandomimagines​, @collecting-stories​ AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH 

[unknwnxquantity]

There’s this girl I had a thing with. We helped each other get over our situations and vent about our exes, this pain we felt from both our situations. I kinda just used her in the beginning to process my back and forth rollercoaster with my ex, while she genuinely cared for me as a person, even if it was just being my friend. I used her and hurt her. But we had this connection thru txt that was one of the most bizzare things Ive encountered: in the beginning of our txting it was as if I was talking back to myself; like I was her and typed out each response. Over the course of a little over a month, we went from me always ghosting her and talking to her when it was convenient, to her getting fed up with my excuses and basically said in so many words, “listen this is the last time I’m gonna try with u but I wanna hook up, u have until 7 tonight to respond back about what u wanna do.” And so... we hooked up in her car. Four hours into the night, until 330am.

Hooking up with her, we’ll call her IR, was a healing experience. My ex and I weren’t intimate for months and months until we broke up. She didn’t like sex, and I guess she was so hurt she just couldn’t trust me with her body the way she did before in our relationship. But since IR and I were both broken from our past confusions and circumstances with our exes, we just wanted to be friends with benefits. But being with someone in that way, the way our bodies fit like puzzle pieces, cuddling, opening up about some of our pasts, fully naked.. and just engaging on such a passionate experience, mind u this was the first time we ever met up... it did something to me. Being intimate snapped me out of the spiral i was going down with the ending of my ex and our situation. I felt really warm inside when I was with IR in those moments. And she felt the same too in her own way.

From then on we saw each other like multiple times in one week, like 6 times in total. Everything moved so quick, my feelings got so intense so... fukking fast. As did her feelings for me. We talked on the phone until 6am several nights, she’d come outside my house @12 or 1am and be hooking up until 3 to one time even 6am (I got in trouble but it was worth it). I met some of her family, she met mine (except my sister bc u gotta be real special to meet her) and came over to my house. I went to her sister’s place in upstate New York; 3 hr drive each way listening/jamming to throwbacks, holding hands, learning more of the other, runnin thru sprinklers.. she even thinks I’m her twin flame (she doesn’t fully understand the concept but I do feel a soul connection to her so I didn’t wanna shut her or the idea of that down), but the relationship she had with her ex made me think otherwise. We wrote each other two letters each to the other, both very descriptive, but with my second letter alluding to the possibility of me being in love with her. IN LOVEEE?! I mean.. I do feel intensely and reevaluating the things I said, I could see the confusion.. but she didn’t even wanna tell me unless I dragged an answer out of her?? She was being distant after that.. and also because things got too serious too quick, us professing strong feelings to each other.. and since the foundation of our friendship surrounded our feelings toward our exes, I had to really ask her “hey.... r u truly over ur ex?” And... she wasn’t. Here I was repeating the same fukking patterns. Jumping into something with someone so intensely , so fukking fast and not taking it slow; how do u expect different results by repeating the same fukking destructive patterns? My feelings were so confusing and complex for her, so deep yet kinda shallow. Like I wanted to fit her into this box of the person I wanted her to be in my life. I overromantize a lot and get so fukking attached. And then they fucking push me away bc I scared them too much. When I feel someone pushing me away, I have this overpowering fear to pull them right back in super hard. That never fukkin works out it just makes them lose mad respect for u and think ur a fucking joke or safe option (subconsciously). She felt for me but in her mind she felt I felt too much too soon, and she wasn’t prepared for such a shift. Neither was I but then here we were being intimate every single time we were with each other and holding hands.. cuddling. Kissing. Exploring. Inside jokes & synchronicities. I’m the first person to make her cum out of the ten bodies she’s had! I’m the first girl she’s been with, and she even revealed she sticks to what’s comfortable; which in her case is asshole men. I can’t hookup with anyone without developing deep feelings. I can’t separate the two AT ALL. Sex and intimacy is sacred, how do ppl fukk causally and not develop feelings?

Anyways in the end, IR chose to work things out with the ex bc she would’ve regretted it if she didn’t give him one last chance “like I kept giving my ex”. And that didn’t even last long, only like 4-5 days before he put his hands on her and they got in a big argument lmao. I don’t have those strong feelings anymore, but damn do I still wanna be her friend? Or do I like her? But she’s so cringe?? Lol idk.. I wanna talk to her tho. I really do but without feeling used or like a second option. She said I’m not , but I’ve learned, peoples words ain’t shit if it isn’t backed up by actions. I’ve already started sending her things even after asserting I wanted to be more than friends, nothing more and needed some space, but now I just wanna be friends.. she just wasn’t keeping me in the loop with her whole ex situation until I confronted her about it and I hate that shit. She always emphasized honesty!! And loving to call people out on their shit! But god forbid I do the same. I went back on my word even when I tried to place strong boundaries. I had to place them again with her when she told me about the recent situation where her ex got physical with her.. this is all just new to me.

I need to let time pass.. maybe it’s because she was the closest thing to a relationship I’ve felt to someone since my ex. I’m trying to really focus on healing myself, especially since all the other girls I was talking to didn’t work out or I wasn’t feeling them anymore. I feel I gotta be single for a long time, but I want her in my life, especially since she feels the connection too and wants to be friends. But is it disrespectful toward myself, like would I just be an easy go-to option? I don’t think she’s done done with the ex. Maybe she is.. I shouldn’t care tho. I need to be alone. Even tho I’ve been sending her stuff on ig and snap, I went back on my word by still contacting her only two weeks after this big thing took place where I found out she thought I was in love with her. I always see the good in ppl; their potential for greatness and to reach that. She’s on that spiritual path as I am with angel numbers, loa, manifestation and the signs/laws of the universe.. but am I just holding onto what was had in the past and not being realistic about the now? Did we ruin our potential by being engaged so soon? This whole thing happened in the span of two and a half months, with our friendship escalating in that past month and it ending like 2-3 weeks ago. Can I even be her friend at this point?? Does she even still think about our connection or has she moved on? I guess I’ll see, I’m just tryna make sense of it all.

[fuck-customers]

So here's a real long and real angry fuck coworkers/managers so hang on tight (tldr at the end).

I work in fast food, which sucks a lot, but it's a high school job yknow. Well the place I work at is often heralded for it's outstanding customer service, which includes having people take the drive thru orders outside. And often take orders outside in illegally hot/cold temps, to the point where the weather app/website has been blocked on our order taking ipads, to make it harder to call out the managers for their bullshit, but whatever.

So I'm outside today, and it's late May in the south, so it's hot as balls out, probs around 90, so technically people outside are supposed to rotate every 10 minutes. So my coworker, J, and I are sent outside to take orders, and we do have fans but they literally don't fuckin work, so that's real fun. After about 20 minutes, J and I both ask for some water, and the shift leader who's wearing a headset inside, M, does get someone to bring that to us. I told her where my cup was, and someone got it to fill with water, but doesn't pour out the soda that was previously in my cup, and just fills the top half with water, and brings out my delicious warm watered down soda. Which I'm not gonna drink, that's disgusting, so I just resign myself to thirst.

About half an hour after this, J finally asks for his rotation, which I'd been thinking about. M inside says to give her a second, they're busy, but she'll get it in a couple minutes. I figure I'll let him get rotated, wait a bit, and then ask someone to come outside for me as well. I settle on waiting 10 minutes. I do ask for some proper water from whoever comes outside, as that'll make it more bearable. 

Yet the replacement never comes. J and I continue to take orders out in the heat for about another half hour, complaining to one another. Finally, he calls over the headset, mentioning his rotation. M simply says "okay", and another employee with a headset, B says that they'll get to it, and stop whining.

At this point, I'm starting to feel really sick from the heat, as in I can barely breathe, I'm having to stop and catch my breath in between every sentence I say to a customer, and my chest hurts. I just really want some damn water, honestly.

Finally, Js headset battery starts to die, and he calls for a replacement. A new coworker, S (sorry for so many letters), says she'll bring him one, and about 5 minutes later when she walks out, we both ask her for water. Thank God, she brings some back for us, and J asks her about his rotation again, and she tells him "We have no one to rotate you with", which is bullshit, because she could rotate, B could rotate, multiple others inside could rotate, they just don't wanna come outside, when J and I have been outside for close to 2 hours, which is like really illegal lmao.

So J says again over the headset that he wants his damn rotation, and he's pretty pissed now, understandably. My dumb ass, trying to be the tough guy, insists I'm fine now, even though it's hard to speak from wheezing. This time though, none of the original people respond.

Soon after though, the night drive thru lead comes outside, to check on J and I, and after I tell her what's up she starts apologizing profusely, saying she hasn't been wearing a headset, she didn't know what had been happening, she had no clue we'd been asking for an hour and a half for assistance we hadn't received. Less than 5 minutes later, both J and I were back inside, with B and S on our spots, and M nowhere to be found inside.

I go to take a spot inside and have a really rough coughing fit, can't talk, can't breathe, etc. The drive thru lead, L, tells me to go sit in the back for a bit, which I gratefully accept. At this point I'm sunburnt, my throat aches, and I'm shaking violently. A few minutes later L comes back and starts apologizing again, saying she feels awful, saying she wished she was wearing a headset. I love L, shes a super sweet manager, and I know she's really upset. She said it was bullshit that we didn't have people to rotate, and that if she'd been listening, she would've gotten it done ASAP. Then I tell her a shift leader, M, had a headset on, and she got mad, mad that M abandoned J and I outside, and says she'll talk with her. M has always liked me, but I figured that was about to change. L left for a smoke break, and I caught my breath in the back for a bit before going to take a spot up front.

Later, when B and S came inside, B was bitching about how he "had to be in a position that wasn't even his because some people have to complain". This is about being inside, because although he was scheduled on an inside position, it's the position that rotates with order takers, and he's a little bitch. I told him that if he'd taken the rotation when J first asked, he wouldn't have to have been outside for as long as he was, because if J and I hadn't been worked to heatstroke, we would've been switched back.

M walks over, hearing our bickering, and immediately like "oh it doesn't matter now we're all fine now haha" and I'm still p mad so I say "Yes, but I certainly still feel dehydrated". M starts to try to defend herself, saying she hadn't heard us asking for water or rotations or anything, but says she knew that my first drink got fucked up, but apparently didn't try to fix it??? But still, her defense is bullshit, because she would respond with an "okay" or "I'm working on it" whenever J tried to remind her. B immediately backs her up, saying he didn't hear anything, even though he too responded, because he's a suck up. I just ignore them and keep working on whatever I'm doing, trying not to lose my cool on this incompetent shift leader who literally just got back from 6 months of not working bc she's at school.

After we've closed I'm talking to L in the back about the night, and she's close to tears apologizing to me still, and I feel terrible, because it's obviously not her fault, and she already gets shit from the other managers about the way she does her job. I tell her what M said about "not hearing" J and i, and she says when she talked to M privately, she claimed the same thing. Honestly, that makes me angrier than the whole being abandoned thing, because you're a leader, sis. Own up to your mistake and apologize and I would've moved past it and not typed out this whole thing. J was also super pissed, but M kept telling him that he should be over it now.

Another thing M did at the same time was told J and I not to "reset" to the speakers when we've reached the end of the drive thru lane, to allow the orders to process and not keep inundating the kitchen. It's a basic drive thru protocol to reset when we're backed up, to try and keep things smooth, and keep food in order. M yelled at J and I and told us to keep taking orders and not "stand around" at the speakers. Apparently she gave the same orders to B and S when they were outside, and L heard and told them they had to reset, it was the rules. M then went outside and told them not to listen to L, that she was in charge, and that they weren't allowed to reset. M is a shift leader just back from school, L is the night drive thru lead, aka Ms superior. L was, understandably, pretty pissed, especially since a lot of other managers don't respect her either. Work is a shit show, and I'm sunburnt.

 TL;DR - Coworker and I left outside in 90 degree weather for 2 hours, I without water, other coworkers bitch about having to switch out with us, leader denies hearing our request for water or breaks, same leader goes directly against superior managers orders, I'm sunburnt and pissed off.

[borkingbarnes]

50 questions!

Thank you for the tag @buckyland! You are literally the softest angel and I have mega amounts of love for you. 💗💗

Putting a Keep Reading bar bc its a lil long aha 

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?  Black and red. Though I can't really brush my hair bc brushed out wavy/curly hair = hella frizz :/ 

2. Name a food you never ever eat.  Olives, bell peppers, Brussel sprouts. 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold. Always too cold, considering I live in a barren wasteland. 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?  jamming out in the shower lol 

5. What is your favourite candy bar?  Hershey’s cookies and cream 😍

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game?  I think a professional hockey game when I was in elementary?? 

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “what the fuck is this shit?” (directed at my final exam review) 

8. What is your favourite ice cream?  Vanilla or oreo! 

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?  Cofy. 💜

10. Do you like your wallet?  Yes!! It was a gift from Christmas! 

11. What was the last thing you ate?  a singular sunflower seed that was on my desk lol

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?  No, I’m not a huge fan of buying clothes if I can't try it on first. However... this hoodie from UO is speaking to me but its so. frickin. expensive.  

13. The last sporting event you watched?  I think a men’s semi-finals volleyball match against UBC that hosted at my uni years ago? I had a huge crush on our setter at the time LOL 

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?  butter or caramel.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?  A text to my bf ranting about how the government will only allow me to get 1 month of BC at a time (before you could get 3-6 months worth at a time), which is fucked bc it just means more trips out?? 

16. Ever go camping?  Yes!! Hoping to go this summer if everything clears up by then.

17. Do you take vitamins?  Occasionally, if I open the cupboard and see it. But only the fruity chewable ones bc they're yummy lol 

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?  No. But my one of my friends does and he was supposed to send in a video of him playing some song for his church’s Easter service bc he’s got a degree in music and just overall v good at his instrument. His brother streaked through in the background of said video. He still sent it in. The church played it for the service. akljsldkj 

19. Do you have a tan?  No, she long faded :(

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?  yes. 100% yes. gimme some of that good good sweet and sour pork ANY day. 

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?  I don't drink soda lol 

22. What color socks do you usually wear?  Those multicoloured Puma ones which everyone has that you can get in a bundle from Costco are all I wear 😂

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?  I usually go like 5 km/h above?

24. What terrifies you?  Failure, not getting anywhere in life, being trapped, losing my mom and grandparents, got reaching my goals. 

25. Look to your left, what do you see?  The disarray that is my unmade bed 

26. What chore do you hate most?  Dishes. 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?  lol its terrible but they could literally be saying anything but my brain will immediately go “DEOWN UNDAHH” 

28. What’s your favorite soda?  I don't like soda, but will on a rare occasion take a sip of coke or sprite if my bf is drinking it. 

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive?  Drive-thru 100%. I will avoid humans as much as possible lol that and im too lazy to get out of the car most of the time 😅

30. What is your favourite number?  8, 38! 

31. Who’s the last person you talked to?  Like face to face? I guess me mum? 

32. Favourite cut of beef?  T-bone 😍

33. Last song you listened to?  Atlas - Luke Christopher (very fitting for the current times if you ask me, and just overall one of my all time favs.) 

34. Last book you read?  The mind-numbing bullshit that is my textbook. 

35. Favourite day of the week?  Saturdaze

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?  No. I have 1 braincell, and she is not able to complete such an extensive task. 

37. How do you like your coffee?  A good old double double if hot, but I quite enjoy a vanilla iced cofy.

38. Favourite pair of shoes?  My black Nike running shoes in general, my black Timberlands in winter, and my black suede Chelsea boots for a more dressy look! (I enjoy wearing the colour black if you couldn't tell😂)

39. The time you normally get up?  If I don't have any obligations: 10:30-11:30 😅

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Give me ALL the sunsets. 

41. How many blankets on your bed?  3. I am a cold, cold child. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates.  White, square ones? 

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment?  Littered with papers and writing utensils because my brother does his homework at the dinner table

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink?  Caesars with Walter’s caesar mix 😍😍 Daiquiris are also yum! AND PINA COLADAS. 

45. Do you play cards? I play uno almost everyday on my phone LOL (hit me up if you wanna play together!!)

46. What colour is your car?  Gray 

47. Can you change a tire?  I don’t think so? Though I know the basics? 

48. Your favourite state? Tranquil. At peace. Basically how I feel when I’m floating on my back in water with the sun on my face.  If its US states then I haven't been too too many, but I absolutely adored Florida because of DisneyWorld. I also have some really good memories in Illinois 

49. Favourite job you’ve had?  I still have this job but a vet assistant! 

50. How did you get your biggest scar?  lol. ha im embarrassed. buckle up and prepare for story time. it’s kinda gory(?) so don't read if you don't like that stuff!! 

Box jumps in high school (we had a proper actual gym with weights and machines and stuff). I took my glasses off (idk why I decided to workout in glasses instead of contacts?) bc they kept sliding down every time I jumped. Mind you my prescription is like -5.50 and I have astigmatism so my depth perception is like non-existent without some sort of corrective lenses. But my half blind, non depth perceiving ass was like eh how bad can it be? Well it was VERY bad!! I completely misjudged how high I needed to jump (the box was on the highest side) and basically slammed my shin against the edge of the box (its wooden and very solid!!) and the weight of the rest of my body plus gravity caused my shin to dig and scrape against the edge of the box v deep on the way down. Idk if it was bone or what but there was definitely something flat and whitish in the deepest part?? Nothing broken luckily, but it hurt like a bitch. Found a first aid kit and bandaged myself up and limped around the whole day. Years later, there's still a longish scar and it’s indented along it. 

I also have a fading but quite large scar from road burn when my friend decided it would be funny to push me super fast just out of the blue while I was sitting on a skateboard and not stop me when I started teetering. I was wearing shorts and basically scraped my thigh and part of my butt against concrete. It was painful as fuck and didnt heal for a long time bc it was such a large surface area. I was P I S S E D. 

lol thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far! Tagging some beautiful peeps if y'all want: @evanstar @fightmewiatch @jalapenobarnes @buckthegrump @tropicalcap @sgtjbuccky 

[maisietheyellowlab]

My Dog Breed Selection Process

Yesterday I got this message from an anon:

“I saw your getting a Koolie!! Nice!! They're such pretty dogs. And actually if you don't mind I have a question for you? Feel free to not answer. But you have a lab and are getting a koolie, two different breeds obviously, so do you have any tips for someone trying to find a breed? It'll be my first purebred dog and going to the shelter is hard enough because all the dogs are so cute so how do you narrow down the list for the perfect dog? Idk if you had a list - but how'd you decide on a koolie?”

and I quickly realized this was gonna be a long post, so here it is. This whole thing:

This is the general procedure that brought me to my breed choices:

First come up with a list of “must haves” “nice to haves” and “must not haves” for the type of dog you want (size, coat type, shedding, energy level, trainability,..) (as @katieisstilltumbling / @winedogs already pointed out in the original ask).

Be very honest with yourself and consider that while the dog has to be a good fit for you, you have to be a good fit for the dog as well!

Then go through a list of dog breeds and/or take a few “what’s the right breed for you” type quizzes OR if you really like a dog sport check out the breeds that usually do well in that sport (e.g. mushing: Huskies, Alaskan Malamutes,..)

→ see which of those you like and check their breed descriptions

→ check blogs, forums, videos, fb groups of owners and breeders of that breed, see if you still like what you see

→ if there are any events where you might be able to meet the breed irl (dog shows, trials, breed meet ups…) go there and talk to owners! (this step is not always possible but it’s very helpful if you can do it!)

→ check if the dogs of that breed fit your “must haves” and “must not haves”

→ look up breeders

→ contact a breeder, ask about the breed, their dogs, what kind of owner they like for their dogs, ask if you can meet them and their dogs

→ when you meet irl, see if you like the breeder and their dogs

→ if you’re now sure you want a dog of that breed, tell the breeder you’re interested in getting a puppy from their upcoming litter

→ be patient and respectful

→ get puppy

→ done!

So, here’s an example of my personal breed-selection journey:

Dog breed selection process 1 - Labrador Retriever:

The first step at all was trying to think of the dog breeds I'm generally drawn to/think they're cute and looking them up, checking out youtube videos where owners talk in depth about the breed and being real honest with myself if the breed would fit into my lifestyle. For example, I always liked Cocker Spaniels, Golden Retrievers, Border Collies, Labs and Dalmatians.

Second step was going thru breed lists online and checking them out, trying to see if there's more breeds I like, but maybe haven't seen or heard of before.

Third thing I did, was take some Dog Breed Selector quizzes online, to see if I'd like any of the dogs that would come up as recommended to me. Ofc this is not to be take too seriously, bc you can be a perfect home for a border collie, but the quiz results won't match you to Border Collies, just because you didn't tick the box that said »I have an enormous yard.«

So at that point I had somewhat of an idea what I would want in a dog, and I had a list of traits in my mind that I applied to my top ~10 breeds.

It was something like this:

Must haves:

Medium size

Tolerates cold&hot weather

Easy coat maintenance

Easy to train --> biddable or will to please

Medium/high energy

Suitable for hikes&canine sports

Playful

Good around older children

Good for first time owners

Not very sensitive

Okay with being left alone for a few hours regularly/not prone to separation anxiety

Good with people and dogs

Average lifespan longer than 10 years/as long as possible

Breeder in my country

Cute!

Nice to haves:

Doesn’t shed a lot

More of a quiet type of dog

Litter in the next 6 months

Likes water

Longer than average lifespan

Must not haves:

Guards people/property

Very large or very small

Prone to health issues

Very independent

Very sensitive

High maintenance coat

Prone to DA or HA

Pure working line

Ideas: Australian Shepherd, Toller, Border Collie, Golden Retriever, Labrador Retriever, Brittany

I started looking for breeders of those breeds in my area and looked through all the websites I could find. I looked at their dogs, their breeding practices, the offspring and of course, litter plans.

At that point I felt like a balanced Aussie might be the way to go, so I contacted and met up with a breeder. Turns out we didn't really click and the way that she described the breed and her personal requirements for her puppies' owners left me feeling very overwhelmed, so I decided agains getting a dog of hers. I looked at some other breeders websites, but the more I researched the more I also started realizing that an Aussie might not the the best choice for me any the household I was living in at that time.

So here I learned a very important lesson. Not only do you have to find a suitable dog, you also have to find a suitable breeder. A responsible breeder will stay in contact with you for the res tof the dog's life, try to point you in the right direction, will be a source of help regarding the dog's development, health and training, so you need like them and they need to like you back. So I added another bullet point to my puppy search list:

a breeder that is helpful, friendly, nice to be around

Dog breed 1, try 1: Aussie →  not a good fit.

I eventually narrowed my selection down to Goldens and Labs, because they were generally easier for first time owners than the rest of the breeds, less prone to sensitivity and there were announced litters in the next few months.

In the end I went for a Lab, because they seemed a little more sturdy and had slightly less health issues, as far as my research showed. Then I contacted two breeders, I think, and I went with the one that felt more right. Oh and also, I thought the parents of the litter looked better, bc that's honestly a big factor too. You're gonna live with this dog for 10+ years, why not choose the one that fits your criteria as much as possible.

So that was it, this is how I chose Maisie's breeder. She's great, helped me a LOT during the first few months when I needed it most, and we're still in touch, I visit her every year. It feels like she's my aunt or smth, she's really nice.

Dog breed 1, try 2: Lab → WIN :D

Dog breed selection process 2 - Australian Koolie:

The second time around I approached the breed selection a little differently, since I had already met more breeds of dogs irl by then and also had an idea of what I’d like in a second dog from experience with Maisie. A part of my decision to go for a herding dog came from what I want to do with them - I want to try more canine sports that include jumping, so a dog with a lighter build and more will to please. That kind of dog will enjoy those activities more and be able to do them more safely than Maisie.

Must haves:

Medium size, lighter build

Tolerates cold&hot weather

Easy coat maintenance

Will to please

Medium/high energy

Suitable for hikes&canine sports

Suitable for jumpy sports

Playful

Okay if sensitive, would prefer less sensitive tho

Okay with being alone for a few hours if needed

Good with people and dogs

Isn’t bothered by obnoxious Lab behavior very much

Average lifespan longer than 10 years/as long as possible

Working/ working x mixed line

Cute

Breeder in Europe

A helpful, friendly breeder

Nice to haves:

Doesn’t shed a lot

Not noise sensitive

Not very sensitive in general

More of a quiet type of dog

Litter in the next 6 months (hahahahhaha I’ve been waiting for a little over 2 years at this point)

Likes water

Likes snow

Likes toys and food as rewards

Longer than average lifespan

Must not haves:

Guards people/property

Very large or very small

Prone to health issues

Very independent

High maintenance coat

Prone to DA or HA

Pure show line

Ideas: Aussie, Border Collie, Rough Collie, English Springer Spaniel, Welsh Springer Spaniel, Toller, Koolie

I’d met enough Aussies by that point to realize they weren’t exactly what I wanted in a dog, but I still really liked Border Collies. This time around I wasn’t intimidated by higher energy level anymore, but I was still a bit worried about sensitivity and the fact that most BCs I’ve met low key hated Maisie. There were a few who liked her, but many didn’t so I kept looking for a better fit (I thought it wouldn’t be fair for the new dog to be stressed by Maisie just existing and being herself..it wouldn’t be fair to either). I was considering Tollers too, but there weren’t any litters announced at all, and I knew of literally one breeders, so I kept on looking. I had a hard time with finding Rough Collies without extreme show coat and had trouble finding non extremely showy Springers around here as well.

I think I found out about Koolies when I was going through herding dogs, and it was a new breed I’ve never heard of or seen before. They were rarely included bc I was mostly looking at very generic lists I think. I read the description, watched a few videos and really really liked them. They had all the traits of aussies and BCs I liked, but weren’t as sensitive as BCs generally are or as prone to guarding as Aussies tend to be. I found two breeders in driving distance, contacted both, one was kinda weird with replies and said she doesn’t want to sell pups outside her country, but the other breeder was very nice and helpful in her replies and that’s how I started talking to the breeder of my future puppy! I met her and two of her dogs about two years ago and loooved them. They also aced the “can tolerate a playful (obnoxious) Maisie” test, the main thing BCs struggled with.

So unfortunately I couldn’t get a puppy from the two litters that were born in 2017 and 2018 bc my life circumstances weren’t suitable for a puppy at the time, but now I am READY and basically just waiting for the puppy to be born sometime this year.

Dog breed 2, try 1: Koolie → win!

[currentlylurking]

Anyway let me just rant about the fucking guy I was serving at work today bc holy shit that dude was. something.

so I work at a Popular Chain Sandwich Place, right? and it’s chill, I don’t mind working there and I definitely need the money lmao. Today, during the lunch rush, Guy comes in. Guy’s trying to talk on the phone while placing his order- and as you can clearly see, this is off to a great start.

I start off with my usual “Hi, can I help you today?” and he keeps talking on his phone. He also turns our soup board towards me and asks how much that costs. As he’s doing this, he leans against the counter.

I just kind of. look at the board. and read the number. 

He (still on the phone) starts getting pissy. He wants a sandwich with it. More specifically, he’s pointing to the sandwich on the art on the soup board and saying “I want that!” 

“Okay, so a turkey sandwich?“

“No, I want it like that!“ He’s still leaning and pointing, and still on the phone. 

“Oh, like a meal?” I offer, even though I’m working on meat/bread and you can’t ring in a meal until the till.

“What’s a meal?” He says, and I throw on my best customer service voice. It’s not that good. It’s only slightly less sing-song than my ‘impersonating a child’ voice.

“A meal is a sandwich, a side- such as chips, cookies, or soup-, and a drink! You get three dollars off your total when you get them together like that!”

I had to repeat that five times, because Guy wouldn’t get off his phone and kept asking me to repeat myself.

Eventually, he understands the meal! It’s a miracle! So we move onto this: “I don’t want the drink.”

“Alrighty, so that won’t be a meal then-”

“But I want the meal.”

I had to spend five minutes explaining to him that yes, the drink was part of the meal, and no, you couldn’t get a meal deal without one. He says very clearly that he doesn’t want a drink. I keep that in mind.

And then we moved onto stage three; “How much would it cost to get a chicken teriyaki sandwich?”

My customer service smile begins to fade. All my coworkers are off doing other things, and a line has started to build up behind Guy. I look over at my manager; we’re behind on prep because of surprise revenge from yesterday’s secretly-shitty Entitled White Lady and a new trainee. My other coworker is working drive thru. I realize that I’m alone.

I turn back to the board. The price is right beside the sandwich. I tell him it anyway.

“How much does that cost with the soup?“

I contemplate tapping out and getting my manager to take over. I’ve been shit at math since my 9th grade math teacher Mr. Payne refused to help me because my ‘notes weren’t good enough.’ Either way, I attempt to do the mental math.

To the surprise of no one- except for Guy, who seems offended by my efforts to at least try and give him an estimate instead of just telepathically knowing these prices- my mental math is not perfect. Wow. What a plot twist.

“It should be just under ten dollars!” I say, still trying.

He gives me a look like I have personally come into his house and smashed every one of his plates. “What about the meatball?“

“That’d be just over 7.50!“ I say, motioning with one hand to the board. As he can plainly see, the meatball costs a dollar less than the chicken teriyaki. He knows this. The prices are right beside the sandwiches. I saw him look up there right after he gave me the Smashed Plates look. 

He looks like I’ve offered to glue his plates back together: resigned, a bit frustrated, but not sure of any better options. Coincidentally, that’s almost exactly how I feel.

So I make his sandwich. I get him his soup. I get to the till, and he grabs a white milk. I ring everything in; congrats, Guy, you’re getting your meal after all!

I tell him the price: 9.75. He stares at me. I contemplate hitching a ride five hours to Vancouver so I can scream over the ocean.

“That’s not right.”

I scream internally and say, in my best customer service voice, “A small soup, a 6-inch meatball, and a white milk?”

“Yes!”

“Well, that’s everything, sir!”

“You did the math wrong!”

Buddy, I’m not a calculator. You were making me do mental math in the middle of a rush. I was scared of getting yelled at because I spent like seven minutes dealing with you when we’re supposed to make sandwiches in two minutes or less.

And then my coworker Garret, also known as my Knight in Shining Experience, steps away from the drive thru. “Is there an issue?” He asks, and I step away from the till.

Guy does his whole bit about how I said he wouldn’t be paying this much, as I contemplate death. Or, at least saying, “You said you didn’t want a drink. And if you doubted my math, you could have done it yourself. You literally haven’t put your phone down, don’t pretend you couldn’t pull up a calculator.”

Garret rings him through again. “A small soup, a 6-inch meatball, and a white milk?”

“Yes.“

“Looks like that was right! The milk does make it a bit pricier, unfortunately-“

“But I got the meal deal. I got the three dollars off?”

“Of course!” I say. The till does it automatically. There’s no way to stop it from grouping them together like that.

His Smashed Plates look is back. Garret hands him his receipt, and I head back around to help the next customer. It’s a hitchhiker. I wonder if he’s going to Vancouver.

Guy leaves, still talking on his phone. I faintly hear the word ‘Vancouver’ and decide to go east and scream over the prairies instead.

[veeneedstovent]

My love, ...

Before I start anything - before we get into it - I want to be clear. I love you a lot, and I didn’t always know what I’m about to tell you. but I want our relationship as a couple to last as long as possible. When we first started talking up until before I asked you to be my boyfriend, my feelings were gradually growing and intensifying for you, but I kept telling myself we wouldn’t last. It was a way of protecting myself in the event you’d leave my life without warning. Things are flipped now. Just to throw it out there, I don’t see marriage in the future, I’m just not thinking about that yet. But I do want to be with you for as long as possible, for a long long long time. I know it comes in steps but I want to introduce you to my parents, introduce you to my friends, spend holidays with you, and celebrate you whenever I can.

To me, a relationship means growing together and genuinely wanting to adapt to each other. This truly does NOT mean making rules and changing core characteristics or traits or habits (for example if i told you to stop thinking the office is funny, stop drinking coffee, or stop eating ramen) but, to me, it DOES mean learning how to simply BE around each other and bend about things that really matter to each other.

What do you think - is your definition of a relationship the same and where do you want this going?

1) I’m actively making an effort to understand you and please correct me if I’m getting something twisted bc I really want to understand, ...I know you don’t have bad intentions and didn’t mean to do harm when you said “it wasn’t judgy” that moment with the 29 rooms guy (my answer to “what would u tell ur younger self” was “tell your parents more and confide in them bc they can rly help you out with some tough stuff”), but do you think you can please try to see where I’m coming from when I say it isn’t about what you said, but how IIIII hear it, and the feelings i have that stem off of it. I felt my feelings being invalidated. i know it’s not your intention but the times when i feel my feelings ARE being validated, and you say something like “oh yeah you’re right you’re right keep going”, i hear it as if you’re seeing the situation as a “who is right and who is wrong”. i’m not okay with that because at the end of the day i know what i felt. My feelings are always valid, and i need that to be cared for and respected.

back to the situation with the 29 rooms guy, I wasn’t able to tell you that besides saying WOAH WOAH WOAH ...he also side-eyed me, nervous chuckled and i totally felt judged. I understand it’s frustrating for you and you feel I try to look for fights every time we chill. I’m really sorry, I never mean to make you feel like that, and I never want you to feel like this again. (i know EXACTLY how this feels and i can go into that later) I know that I don’t have to bring up every little thing that irks me, and I will try not to from here on out, but the things that I feel truly matter enough to me, should be brought up. I was hurt because I felt you were quick to shut me out bc I was “acting up” but I wish you’d give me the benefit of the doubt and hear me out.

Please never feel bad/sorry for bringing up your feelings with me and never apologize for it. I want to hear you out and reach a common ground. It literally takes you and me to make us and we are in this entire thing together. I really hope you can tell me the same and mean it. - My feelings are always always always valid and I need you to respect that and just believe that.

2) I’m NOT coming at you, and please please correct me if i’m wrong again... I understand you are very frustrated with the fact that it’s hard to make me cum, and that I have not done that yet. I hope you can see my point of view - let me start with saying I definitely enjoy having sex with you at least 50% of the time, at the veryyyyy very least, The other times, truthfully, I do it so you will stay content. It’s really really hard for me to say this, but I have to say it. When I let you fuck me every time I’m not in the mood yet, or when I feel like you might get upset, I feel pressured and a part of me just KNOWS I do it solely so that you will love me enough to stick around or even love me at all. It’s a really hard pill for me to swallow and admit, and it’s so scary bc I feel I have 0 control over it. and again, I’m NOT trying at all to stir things up, but sort of going off a similar tangent, regarding what happened monday night, i just need you to know that it really hurt me that you turned away and would have been able to sleep it off when you got frustrated/disappointed I didn’t cum.

From my perspective, it was a positive moment - we both want the same thing - or so i thought - and practice is the only way to get there.

Still, the whole thing really hurts me bc I feel you were quick to shut me out and again didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt - you said i’m making you “jump thru hoops” to have sex with me. in reality, i’m NOT saying if you can’t make me cum, we can’t have sex. I AM saying please try to make me cum because i want to feel more connected with you, and i know you have potential, you just need to learn my body, and that takes practice so please practice, and if it doesn’t happen right here right now i know it’d not the end of the world at all! i will def still have sex with you bc usually it’s something i truly enjoy. So the entire situation felt turned against me, I found myself apologizing bc I truly felt it was my fault and I let you have sex with me in order to prove to you that i actually DID want to have sex in the first place. having sex with you was in fact something i wanted, however, if you would’ve just heard me out and given me the benefit of the doubt, the sex would’ve been so much more meaningful.

3) On monday when I got home I felt incredibly empty and depressed, i needed to talk to someone. it was like 3 pm and that’s when i was thinking about all i just told you about. I was just trying to put my thoughts together...and when i finally did, and when I realized what I told you about my reason for letting you have sex with me on demand, For the first time in my life I had an anxiety attack. I started crying and I got really loud. I was full on sobbing and I was breathing really fast and I felt my hands get numb and tingly. It lasted a full moment. After that, I knew I couldn’t be alone. I called Joudi and she really calmed me down and was there for me. I was just very emo the entire day after that happened, and not productive at all. So later that night when we were texting and you asked me how my day was, and if i was okay, I felt stuck. I really wanted to answer you but I felt I couldn’t, I wanted to be truthful and not lie and say “same old, you know it was good” because it just really wasn’t. But I also didn’t want to mention it through text because it was so heavy. So I fell asleep and woke up to it still awaiting an answer. That’s when I knew I needed to talk, so at 10 am I texted you “can I call you?”

Yesterday, I was OK - ISHHHH for most of the day. Just wanted to have this conversation with you all day, just naturally couldn’t have a time slot, no one’s fault. I had my trainer at 1 - 2, was with Athena from 4 - 9, we shopped and were gonna watch a movie but I decided I wanted to try to talk with you instead, I tried my best to make it home on time but when I was driving, literally not even 10 min away from my house at like 9:50, I started not to feel right again. I actually had another panic attack while driving. This time my thoughts preceding it were about our relationship at first but then I started thinking about my brother and how terrible things are with him right now. I know any day he can take his own life and I”m soooo sure of that, I see how changed he is, and I was thinking about how close and normal we used to be, and I thought about how I want to live a life where I treat every moment with every loved one I have as if it were the last time I’d see them.

I felt myself swerving and crouching more towards the wheel, my hands got humb again, but I was able to overcome it.

So that’s everything I need you to know, laid out on the table.

That’s how I’ve been.

I love you so much.

- Vanessa