#physical violence really isnt my thing

[redfoxv]

Tell us about something unexpected that turned you on?

. . . Ok so this one is kinda dark so tw for physical violance @w@

I was watching Gundam the witch from Mercury and in one scene my favorite character Norea was still dealing with the death of her best friend. She was then confronted by Nika. The confentaton escalates to where Norea has knocked Nika to the ground and is continually kicking her for badmouthing her dead friend.

The scene got me viscerally excited but not necessarily sexuality was more if anything I wanted Norea to beat the shit out of me haha. Umm but I think a lot of it had to do with how visceral and emotional the scene was also Noreas character is just a badass but also kinda a fuck up in a way. Idk I have a thing for savage burnout girlfailures, especially if they pilot mechs.

Haha I know this is probably not even close to what you had in mind but yeah hope you enjoy @w@

Thank you for the asks as always <3

Very much appreciate then ^w^

[freakinator]

citrus freakinator... please give me your thoughts on mapicc/bacon.. the rarepair ever... or if you dont have any on the ship just loser duo thoughts in general would be interesting to hear too <3

they both have a thing for giving up then coming back with more viciousness although while mapicc often accomplishes that by using force, bacon on the other hand uses his words -- which i think explains their dynamic very well: mapicc focuses on the physical (violence and actual player presence) while bacon focuses on the psychological (debate and actual worthwhile content) but despite or perhaps because of these differences they end up complimenting each other very well, not only in the sense that they cover each other's weaknesses but also in that they both care a lot about different aspects of the servers content/entertainment/activity which leads to a lot of synergy in motive and principles which then leads to a lot of synergy in goals and action whether it be opposition of or in service with each other

a really funny thing i find about their dynamic is that bacon is the person who takes the most advantage of mapiccs fandom dog-coding, from teasing him about it to just straight up ordering him like one sometimes -- my theory for why that is is cause he probably knows it comes from somewhere, both bacon and mapicc are very observant ppl and bacon in particular has observed that mapicc is a very loyal person who generally takes orders from ppl he has grown attached to and he for sure knows that mapicc has grown attached to him

that being said theres a reason theyre called losers lmao, theyre not the best at what they do and they get their asses handed to them a Lot but thats part of the charm isnt it? they get knocked down and they get back up again over and over even when they start malding over it

edit: okay so i actually finished writing this up last dec 29 and have basically just been trying to get what i wanted to say out properly ever since... which i failed miserably at so i decided im just gonna cut my losses and just post it cause 😭 yeah i have no idea what to add. this paragraph is basically the only new text and i didnt bother to edit the old text cause i have a lot of trouble processing my own writing for some reason so everything is basically unreadable to me no matter what i do, hope its legible to the rest of yall tho

[the-s1lly-corner]

could I request creepypasta x reader who can take their head off

Various crps x reader who can take their head off

pretending that i didnt tear up the roof of my mouth while eating my dinner shhhshhhh ignoring that my bottom front teeth rest on the roof of my mouth right where its all torn up thus making me hyperaware and by extension making me clench and grind subconsciously characters: jeff the killer, laughing jack, ticci toby, eyeless jack notes: reader is gn, reader isnt really human but theyre written to look human, focusing on first reactions cws: none unless you found taking ones head off as body horror? does it count? im not sure tbh.. mentions of anatomy and stuff in ejs part.. canon typical violence

LAUGHING JACK

finds it so cool, entertaining even... i like to think that he has "clown physics" to him, but im unsure if being able to dethatch limbs would be one... if he cant take his own head off hes going to be a tad bit jealous of you

sometimes yoinks your head and holds it up to his height so you can "see the world from his perspective", this is more likely if youre significantly shorter than him

if you allow it hes going to juggle your head or even "go bowling" with it... you... may get dizzy though, so agree with caution

if your head is loose and has a habit of falling off hes going to take it as a win if it falls as you laugh at one of his jokes

EYELESS JACK

honestly? not all that phased by your little party trick, at least hes not grossed out by the clear view of your necks insides- hes seen those plenty of times... both in the form of images as well as in person when hes needed to silence someone

that said looking at in tact neat remains is different than seeing it all messed up or in a diagram, so if you dont mind he would like to take a look at least once... totally not making notes for future reference

not many questions otherwise, surprisingly... i mean hes a man eating demon of sorts who mostly gets nutrients from eating the organs of humans- he doesnt have much place to ask you what you are exactly or what caused this sort of thing to happen

doesnt ask you to show off your trick, finds no interest in asking you to take your head off and goof off with it unlike some of the others

TICCI TOBY

oh! thats his partner taking off their head.... OH! THATS HIS PARTNER TAKING OFF THEIR HEAD- he... genuinely needs a second to process what hes looking at because it catches him so off guard, you only told him you had a party trick to show him

lots of questions, main one being how and why- were you not a living human this whole time? a little betrayed that you didnt tell him sooner, actually- and even if you did, why didnt you show him this sooner?

traces his fingers along your neck where it separates, after you put your head back on- even more impressed if theres no mark left behind

like jeff, hes going to try to get you to play some jokes on people- though its likely hes going to pull them on masky and/or hoodie

sometimes carries your head around with him while hes working- ignore how morbid of a sight thatd be..! he just wants some company without making it too obvious!

JEFF THE KILLER

stares wide eyed for a few seconds... ignoring that he doesnt have his eye lids anymore so hes always looking at you wide eyed-- thinks he may have actually lost it for a second before cracking up

probably one of the last things hes expected you to do but hey, he thinks its pretty wicked!

oh hes definitely going to try to get you to use your quirk to scare some unsuspecting people who are walking around- perhaps do it late at night for some added effect? and if they lash out he can always swoop in and come to your aid

will push your head off of your neck if youre being a smartass or generally lightly getting onto his nerves- not a hard push, but enough to knock your head loose

[oakskull]

I wanna see your pony moshang 🥺🤲

ask and you shall receive!!

my drawings do come with worldbuilding rambling, terribly sorry (not sorry at all)

Side note: "windigos" are creatures in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (FiM) and I am using them here, but I am changing the name to frost spirits and changing some of their behavior, they look the same.

Design Notes:

SQH has ink stains on his mouth because non magic users write like that. He was a unicorn pre-transmigration and mourns his loss of unicorn magic and technology regularly. The world he transmigrated from is like the far future of FiM, with modern technology and the internet. (not the latest gen, I honestly remember jackshit about the lore in that movie...)

I've seen Earth pony SQH and I get the appeal. But here me out: Pony maigu ridge needs Qinghua to fly! And he's literally a flight risk!

His cutie mark is a brush and a paper airplane, because its his pen name (get it?). PIDW (mlp ver) has a level of technology more similar to SVSSS, but instead of flying swords there's trains. Im taking away xianxia flying swords and giving you trains. Ponies on swords just look too silly! they'd be unstable! (not that this whole AU isnt very silly >w<)

The Northern Kingdom in this au would be the Crystal Empire equivalent, except there is no crystal heart. The Northern desert is kept in a perpetual blizzard by the frost spirits (there is a barrier against storms around the capital created by the northern kings, redone as part of the ascension ritual but otherwise free standing) Instead of love and light protecting the kingdom, the crystal ponies use the power of incredible violence to keep the umbrums at bay.

Additionally, the crystal ponies of PIDW (mlp ver) are physically stronger, have higher base levels of magic, and are generally more cold resistant, due to living near the frost spirits for so long. They are still flesh creatures; the crystal skin is more of a replacement for their coat rather than the skin itself. Crystal ponies are also hypercarnivores, whilst regular ponies are omnivores (this isn't FiM also the horses are magic. they have basically human diets)

I also couldn't decide on a coat color for MBJ so there's two versions. I'm leaning towards the white fur for contrast reasons. And yes, I Did forget to render the crystal part of crystal pony on MBJ, thank you for noticing (lmao)

MBJ's cutiemark is the flag for the crystal empire, because he's part crystal pony, he still has a cutiemark, but all direct descendants have the same cutie mark after they absorb their ancestors power. Before this, they do not have cutiemarks, and gaining a different cutiemark means the frost spirits didn't acknowledge them as a potential decendant, and they can no longer become king.

Pre-Asension Mobei-Jun:

In PIDW (mlp ver) MBJ is a crystal pony decendant of the frost spirits which keep the Northern Desert perpetually cold. They gave the first northern king their power in the war against the umbrums (the things that made King Sombra in FiM). There's no friendship fire to chase away the frost spirits because this is PIDW (mlp ver) it's a stallion novel (pun intended); Instead, the frost spirits are sated by the constant war. There was an umbrum unicorn created to infiltrate the Crystal Empire like in FiM but they just became a regular pony instead of trying to take over and basically just created a new clan of ponies with shadow powers. MBJ's mother was part of this clan, and the abyssal shadow pony ancestry cobined with his frost spirit ancenstry gives him the ability to shadow step/ teleport through the shadows.

MBJ didn't get his pretty hair until he absorbed his ansestors power, which works similar to SVSSS canon. The previous northern kings die and pass on their power to the next generation because they are technically still frost spirits, and not really alive in the same way that regular ponies are.

SQH in an MLP style coat:

Ponies in FiM don't really... wear pants, even when it's cold. In Airplane's world they definately wore pants, and SQH will never go back (like the opposite of SVSSS LOL). In PIDW (mlp ver) ponies don't wear pants for bad porn reasons, Airplane justifies this by pulling the history card (peerless cucumber is not impressed)

Also! you can see SQH's mane better because its profile view, he's not a crystal pony, but he wheres the crystal pony hair bands as an homage to a bun without me actually having to give him one. Because ponies have ears on their head it always feels to me that a bun takes up too much visual space, thus, fancy hair bands.

Moshang flirting:

SQH can dish out flattery all day but he absolutely does Not know what to do when MBJ returns the favour (lol)

Alicorn Shang Qinghua:

In PIDW (mlp ver) I like to imagine that Airplane cut out alicorns because acending through nice things like friendship and love did not fit the vibe. Alicorns were instead like, the old gods who controled elemental stuff, like Celestia and Luna (renamed in PIDW (mlp ver)). Ponies don't control the weather or sun and moon and have less inate magic (earth pony magic, pegasus magic, and unicorn magic), instead, all the alicorns dispersed into spiritual energy that controls the elements and weather and stuff. Ponies cultivate this spiritual energy to gain a golden core of their inate energy, and eventually immortality, but they don't get the trappings of an alicorn.

So, like there aren't really any gods in SVSSS, there aren't any (living) alicorns in PIDW (mlp ver) they're more like myths than anything, and reside in the heavenly realm. I won't be getting into this AUs binghe/ heavenly demon equivalent because this is a moshang post, but Heavenly Demons are changling royalty, which have their FiM powerset on steroids and are sort of corrupted alicorns.

So alicorn SQH is bascially this AUs equivalent of God!SQH. It's not nessisarily canon to the AU but this mostly exists for me and I really like God!SQH so it basically is. Schrödinger's canon.

("Small Matters" style is a reference to the series by Coffeetailor on Ao3)

[daresplaining]

do you think matt murdock finds catharsis in violence? in the context of comics btwi'm of the opinion that he isnt a sadist and doesnt necessarily enjoy violence but i also cant think of any comic pages that would support my interpretation, was wondering if u could help w that?

I certainly think he does, at times. One thing that tends to happen when Matt reaches his lowest points, generally in darker runs (I'm about to post a whole bunch of Brubaker/Lark...), is that he will lash out physically. The Daredevil identity serves as an escape for him in a variety of ways: it frees him, it empowers him, and when his mental health is suffering, yes, it gives him an excuse to hit people. He doesn't always give in to that urge, of course, but it is there. This internal rant he goes on during a moment of frustration in Bendis's run comes immediately to mind:

"There is this overwhelming desire I’m filled with to punch someone in the face!!! Anyone will do at this point. But I know that isn’t right. And it certainly isn’t what my sensei taught me, but I can’t help it. I want to punch someone really, really badly." 

Grief can make Matt impulsive and careless. He starts a bar fight while in civvies immediately following Milla's hospitalization.

Dakota: "This is just what we need...a blind man who half the city knows is really Daredevil...getting in a bar fight. I manage to extricate him without too much injury...and get us out of there before anyone takes his picture. He tells me with his special senses he overheard those two guys planning a robbery. So he decided to scare them out of it. After hearing that, I know Matt's judgment is impaired. And not just because of a few drinks." Daredevil vol. 2 #106 by Ed Brubaker, Paul Azaceta, Matt Hollingsworth, and Chris Eliopoulos

In the very next issue, he loses his temper and punches Luke Cage (and hurts his hand, because he's Luke Cage).

Daredevil vol. 2 #107 by Ed Brubaker, Greg Rucka, Michael Lark, Stefano Gaudiano, Matt Hollingsworth, and Chris Eliopoulos

In "The Devil in Cell Block D", Matt becomes so violent in prison following Foggy's apparent death that Frank Castle decides he needs to swoop in and rescue him from doing something he might regret. Here's Ben Urich in court after Matt has been denied special protection in prison, noticing the same thing (like the Dakota scene above, it's neat to see this side of Matt from the perspective of outside observers):

Ben: "As they're carting him away, though, I see something that chills me to the bone. Matt smiles. Just a little. Just enough so that I know my worst fears have come to pass...that they're sending him exactly where he WANTS to be..." Daredevil vol. 2 #83 by Ed Brubaker, Michael Lark, Stefano Gaudiano, Frank D'Armata, and Cory Petit

(As I said: lots of Brubaker/Lark.) Nocenti, too, was deeply interested in exploring the violence inherent in superhero stories, and approached Matt's relationship to it in a variety of ways in her run, including in this memorable scene where he shares some of his darkest urges:

Daredevil vol. 1 #267 by Ann Nocenti, John Romita Jr., Gregory Wright, Al Williamson, and Joe Rosen

And heck, we can also look at Matt's various murder attempts: his near-murder of Bullseye following Elektra's death, and then actual murder of Bullseye that kicked off the "Shadowland" story arc:

Shadowland #1 by Andy Diggle, Billy Tan, Christina Strain, Joe Caramagna, et al.

And of course, his various attempts to kill the Kingpin, most recently following Mike's death in Devil's Reign:

Devil's Reign #6 by Chip Zdarsky, Marco Checchetto, Marcio Menyz, and Clayton Cowles

On the subject of Mike: I would argue (and did, at length, in this post) that Matt's dream of his brother shooting Bullseye in the "Death of Daredevil" story arc was its own form of violent catharsis.

A key early issue that delved into this side of Matt's character for what I'd say was the first time is Daredevil volume 1 #140, written by Bill Mantlo. In this issue, what begins as a seemingly standard fight between Matt, Gladiator, and the Beetle becomes a violent, brutal beatdown as civilian lives are put on the line and Matt becomes increasingly angry.

Daredevil vol. 1 #140 by Bill Mantlo, Sal Buscema, Klaus Janson, and Karen Mantlo

I don't like to overemphasize this aspect of Matt's character-- not because I don't find it interesting (I do!) but because a lot of modern takes on Daredevil (notably, the live action adaptations) have leaned into this idea of him as a violent, brooding, bone-breaking bruiser, which is an oversimplification and also plainly not true about a lot of his stories. However, this is a side of Matt that does undeniably exist. He gets unpleasant when his life falls apart, and this can be a part of that deterioration.

I will also say that it's not just Matt. Here is my dear friend Danny Rand, who (at least in his modern comics) is waaay more well-adjusted and emotionally controlled than Matt, succumbing to this very same urge:

Power Man and Iron Fist vol. 2 #4 by Fred Van Lente, Wellinton Alves, Bruno Hang, Nelson Pereira, and Joe Caramagna

(He goes and beats up some white supremacists, as you do.)

All I'm saying is that it happens to the best of them.

[safety-pin-punk]

hey queer nd teen here i've been really interested in punk culture and the message drives me to tears but i'm scared of being called a poser because i feel like a coward

i hate cops and i think they should fucking die and the government is fucked and we have to look after each other. but i feel backed into a corner because i'm surrounded by family who would laugh at me and just wouldn't understand and i don't feel like i can Handle it but i Want to

as a shy and nonconfrontational teen with a shit ton of anxiety to boot i dunno. i admire brave hardcore punks who beat up cops and nazis but i Can't Be That

no need for a response but it would be nice

When I was a teen, I was told by my best friend that I could never be a punk. That I would never be a punk. But here I am. I was a shy quiet kid, and I’m still pretty quiet and prefer to avoid confrontations when I can. My point is, these things don’t prevent people from being a punk if its in their nature

Not all punks are the big tough punks who can physically fight those fights. Though they are a very important part of our community. But we also have plenty of disabled, neurodivergent, and chronically ill people who are just as punk, and even people who are just not into violence. They are advocates, they are researchers, they are community care takers. Being a punk isnt all about fighting evil. I actually think thats not the best way to look at it at all. Being punk is about caring for your community. And while ‘fighting evil’ is a part of it, there are a lot more things that entails.

If you truly want to be a punk, it seems like you are already going down the right path. You alluded to a not so great home life where it might not be the best idea to dress in alternative styles. You could always start with smaller, more subtle things. Or you can just wait until you can move out to start exploring that. Remember, being punk is more than just an aesthetic, and while the aesthetic may look cool, it is by no means a requirement to be a punk (honestly half the time I run around it cowboy boots and a flannel - in the winter I usually add the hat too)

You are a teen still. Growing and learning about yourself and the world around you. And so are your peers. Any teen who calls you a poser is being a jerk and doesn’t know all that much about the scene. Any grown adult that calls you a poser is probably a poser themselves who refuses to acknowledge that not every person comes from the same background. But I also feel like it’s important to tell you that what anyone else says shouldnt matter that much. Even if it feels like it does, if you let their words matter to you, you are giving them all the control.

Its okay to be young and not know a lot. Its okay to not dress alternative for any number of reasons. Its okay to not feel like you could go off and fight bad people. None of those things make you a poser.

[genderqueerdykes]

"How to deal w a longtime friend that at some point became a radfem?" anon here, thank you for responding Equinox, ur awesome!

Im sending this since someone asked in the comments: we were friends and I did genuinely enjoy her presence, she just had certain behaviors at times that I didn't really like. But due to her being the more upfront type than me, and due to me being more passive and conflict avoidant, I figured I needed to keep a balance, or often pushed my own feelings to the side.

I figured she didn't consciously mean anything bad by the things she said, which is true. She acted more direct in some ways because she had that type of personality and partially due to being autistic/having a different understanding of communication (i later on realised i was autistic too), and since I knew I had been more sensitive my entire life, I didn't want to take it personally.

She was supportive of me and never outright bullied me or anything, it was mostly the smaller things that ended up bothering me, that she didn't notice as a problem. Partially because I never told her, I didn't tell her because I didn't want to make a big deal out of something small, and because I didn't want to start conflict with her. I also often doubted myself.

She was at some point my only friend outside of immediate family (due to us at school)

She currently isnt constantly present in my life and I've been keeping a distance from her for some time.

Throughout the years after the school where we were together, I have constantly had longer amounts of time when I didn't have the energy to text her back. This is partially due to my adhd, and its something I felt quite guilty about, but I also noticed because our texting styles were different (she was fast, and i was slower), and she was sometimes impatient or texted "?" despite being able to see me typing, and at times was annoyed at me for taking so long to respond to certain questions I wanted to answer in a more thought-out wall of text way. Also very occasionally she'd try to read into my texting speed to tease me about a topic, despite that there wasnt any correlation.

Basically almost every time I started texting her we'd end up texting for like an hour or two real time, which tired me out and I ended up procrastinating texting her back.

I currently have other friends, some that are really close and I love, and I dont have this texting issue with them. It also just feels different with them in general than with her. Though I did share my interests with her and we did have them in common, it felt that I sorta needed to cover up or protect some parts of myself when with her, or that I had to defend myself in some way, like there's a "wall" of some sort with her compared to with my close ones.

I was understanding of her, and I listened to her vent and talk about her problems, and she appreciated that very much, but when it came to myself I didn't feel she was as understanding of me, and I didn't really like to talk about my issues or certain aspects of myself, because it felt she just outright didn't understand me.

Like ie, we both have abusive parents, though they are different from one another. Hers are shitty and more neglectful, mine are also shitty but more clingy/controlling. I understand that we have differences and its what I kept in mind when on this topic, but when I talk about my own she was like "when they yell why dont you just walk away? They cant do anything about you just leaving" but like... They literally keep you in place and doing so would piss them off even more? Maybe even lead to physical violence? They can barely handle slight attitude. It's fine if you have a different perspective, but why cant you understand it on the most basic level? And even if you don't understand, why do I have to justify and overexplain myself here, why cant you show basic decency and understand different perspectives? I never do this towards you?

I didn't like to bring up certain topics about myself since I felt I needed to justify myself or convince her, even when she wasn't even being reasonable or actually listening to me.

The more I think about our relationship, the more I realise how many issues we had that I brushed off. Without realising, I have had problems throughout my entire life with seeing myself as inherently broken, and so having to make myself palatable to the people that liked me, as if they were doing me a favour. When I think back on myself and her hanging out, it felt like I was more the "me" that she wanted or thought of me as, rather than who I actually was.

After realising and accepting I was autistic and surrounding myself with people that understand and love me unconditionally, I felt much better and confident about who I was, who I get along with and what I stand for. I realised that this people pleasing isn't sustainable nor healthy.

I am currently trying to distance myself, as I don't really want this friendship anymore. I'm not sure about reaching out to her suddenly and just giving her a wall of text, I'm more thinking about, once we inevitably start texting again, being more upfront and firm in my beliefs and what I'm comfortable with. It'd probably cause conflict, and I don't feel she would change her beliefs about it. We'd likely break off that way, and I much prefer that over having to continue upkeeping an image of constant tolerance.

Anyways, I really appreciate the work you do, Equinox! You really helped me feel more comfortable in my own queer identity, and understand the spread of radfeminism and other harmful stuff in the current queer community! I know you got a lot of asks, so please don't overwork yourself! ❤️ Take care!

im so sorry you had to deal with that, but im proud of you for realizing you deserve better. thank you for giving us some more info, take care of yourself

[our-trans-punk-experience]

GO FUCK YOURSELF WES STREETING

warning before proceeding: this is not a regular post. it is not going to be especially funny, or educational, or coherent its just going to be multiple paragraphs of unfiltered rage. if you want to know what I'm talking about i will post an Official blog post on it immediately after this. the only reason im even posting this is to maybe vindicate some angry trans kid out there today. i see you, your anger is justified

FUCK WES STREETING. i mean that. i have never been so shocked at how angry i am with somebody. the boiling rage i usually feel towards politicians like him is usually tempered with a veneer of predictability to it. and don't get m wrong, it wasnt that I didnt see a full puberty blocker outlawing on the cards for the UK. what did me in was the bloody fucking letter. maybe its bc hes from the less right wing of our two parties, maybe its bc he's a gay man himself and it feels like more of a betrayal. bc he sure does bring that up a lot in his letter doesnt he. oh he is just so bloody sorry about how trans kids are feeling, and he knows he can't understand fully (you can't wes, you really can't) buthe swears he empathises just a bit.

the entire thing is so FUCKING CONDESCENDING. the patronising tone is tugging the strings of my anger like a fly in my ear and WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE wes streeting to say “I know it won’t feel like it based on the decisions I’m taking today, but I really do care about this" . its another "we're doing whats best for trans kids theyll understand when theyre older"

because your message wouldve been a fairly reassuring if empty statement if it had come from LITERALLY ANY OTHER MP. but for the man who's in charge of enacting the puberty blocker ban to say that rings sinister and well just a prick move isnt it. the man acknowledges the high rates of violence, suicide, self harm ect in the trans community while he plows on with deleting their healthcare. and it is TRANS healthcare specifically because he was asked about kids who are prescribed puberty blockers for precocious puberty and outright admitted that the medication was clearly safe from those cases and they were only banning them for trans kids

but the line that is just a real KICK IN THE TEETH is one particular phrasing. “I can’t pretend to know what that’s like, but I do know what it’s like to feel you have to bury a secret about yourself, to be afraid of who you are," oh bury a secret bury a secret you know what its like to bury a secret do you wes streeting do you know what its like to bury a child?? which more people will have to do in the future after this legislation

and going on that your reasoning is there arent sufficient studies to show that banning puberty blockers leads to an increase in suicide??? firstly, why is your measure of success "not having this will increase suicide" in a study about whether it is physically safe?? you've admitted the medication is safe for cis kids so it JUST TRANSPHOBIA but also you know the British board of psychology wouldn't ever approve the sorts of studies you're discussing, right?? You know that it does not legally comply with ethtical requirements to conduct a study where the measure is "how many people commit suicide"? you know??

he knows. he says he cares. he cares about nothing but his career. fuck wes streeting.

[yippeeometer]

here are some ships i believe in with my life with the full intent of pss pss pssing my fellow swashbucklers into my comments :D

NH/VT/ME. hammy monty and maine. not only do i think they match each others freak i think they actively make it worse. theyre the definition of new england gothic not in the sense that theyre trying to haunt people but in that they own lighthouses and like to stand in big empty fields freaking out the locals. also they dont come seperately im afraid monty IS inside maine's sweater during ur meeting

WY/MT. oh my god my wife is a bitch and i love her. my wife is a bitch and shes mean to me and im thinking of throwing myself into a volcano to see if theres any nice rocks i can get her. wy has the kind of social anxiety where he hasn't seen anyone in 6 months bc hes afraid to leave the house but he has to be physically glued to montana to not commit violence.

UT/CO/NM/AZ. my four corners you are soooooooo precious to me i cant believe it. theyre the warmest cuddle pile u can imagine. theyre hatting each other w sticks. theyre a one star rated tribute act. theyre the couple fighting in the dairy isle. theyre having dangerous sex to the soundtrack of paddington 2. theyre everything.

PA/MA. theyre just serving toxic codependent loserhood. they trauma bonded once when they were 17 and thats it since. theyre sooooo disgustingly meant for each other that youre begging them to just split off from the country bc getting a room just isnt enough atp.

WA/OR. breaking news the two worst people you know have found each other and have only enhanced the things about them you hate. they hate to see two bitches serving cunt but unfortunately, these hags are fused together and they'll stay that way to spite you. they publicly divorce 8 billion times a week but ore is caught multiple times gossiping to his husband in morse code when phones are eventually banned from the table.

NY/NJ i can't explain this one anymore than its just the most down bad behavior youve ever seen subtley disguised by the age old excuse of 'its just satire'. mans staring at ur ass in the meeting talking ab 'oh its for the bit'. im just saying ik you two like to fight but does he really need to straddle you to get a punch in.

IL/NV okay yeah it started off as a joke but like. the two scariest little freaks trying to out mafia each other. nevada blushing kicking his feet as illi sends his fourth hitman of the week bc nv was flirting w everyone and their mama to get back at him. utah looks at him with a mixture of confusion and dispear.

[outsideofmyhead]

yandere alphabet with ticci toby

tw: rape mentioned, violence, burning, knives, slashing, murder, assault, serial killers, being watched every single moment, etc.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

it really depends with toby. if hes in a really good headspace and isnt really thinking about too much, if youve had a horrible day or if hes punished you too much, hes soft. it reminds you of when you were younger, how he used to hold you as you cried over stupid things on his shirt. sometimes he likes to just hold you, or do something with you. his love language is physical touch and quality time after all. he likes having you with him at all times, just slowly playing with your hair.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

he usually makes you do the killing since he gets tired after his missions. it really fucks you up, but he feels closer to you if youre suffering the same way he does. Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

Toby would. more than love, he has hate in his heart. he mocks you a lot for still being so head over heels for him and being a whore who cant move on. he mocks you for being no better than him, being a murderer and psychopath. that you always have the chance to end him and leave but you conciously kill. that youre still the same pathetic girl you were as a kid. Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

he makes you kill. he uses you for missions from time to time and youre often the spy. he knows that youre smart enough to not run your mouth.

you hate killing. you hate it a lot. but you'd rather die than live without him. you know the consequences and you choose to do what he asks. its not fair that he makes you choose over him or random innocent strangers.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

youre the only one who knows everything about him. he tells you about his day and he vents to you from time to time the way he did as a kid. times like those make you feel like nothing has changed at all.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

it happens a lot. you begging him to stop and fucking go back to normal. he hates it, because he doesnt want to go back. he likes the way he is now. you dont realize how horrible life was for him because he wasnt the beloved princess unlike you. it ends with a slap usually, but the days when you too lost control were the worst.

"(name)."

"no... no I didnt mean to do that! toby I'm sorry-"

he brought out his precious blade and slit your cheek enough to make blood ooze out without scarring. he grabbed your hair and pushed you onto the bed.

you learnt your lesson that day.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

it is, because it's so rare. youre not stuck in the lodge unless youve fucked up bad and he lives with you in your home. theres no need to run because hes not kept you tied up to him at all. the only way you can escape is to leave and live with your friend.

he finds you, ofcourse, but he doesnt get you back. you crawl into your home because how long will you live mooching off another without seeing toby. hes been there your entire life and that one year without him almost drove you insane.

when youre back though, toby is fucking livid. bruises, scratches, bites, scars. he draws blood out of you as if he hasnt had a drop of liquid in days.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

during one of the fights that went bad, you brought it up that he behaved how his father did. this was the worst decision of your life.

"i'll show you how my father behaves."

you woke up two days later covered in bandages seeing a sobbing toby.

"im sorry, im sorry, im sorry-"

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

he doesnt know what he wants anymore. when you were younger you hoped the band would grow and you could amek money doing the thing you loved with toby. i guess he wouldnt quite mind the same.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

not often. he does get jealous sometimes but he avoids thinking about you when you arent infront of him to try and stay focused. if you make him jealous then hell just slap you once you get home and push you onto the bed. you know what happens next.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

toby is a roller coaster. he always has been, but its much worse now after losing everything. he can be so sweet and affectionate, or he can be cold and unfeeling. he tries to be sweet when youre down, and hes unrecognizable when he is upset.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

he didnt have to. you have been best friend since you could remember being alive, and you have been inseperable throughout. you just happened to develop feelings over the years.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

yes. when hes the bassist in your band, hes just toby. the funny, smily kind he once was. you wish he was like that forever, but it's a front to let you have the one thing you passionately love. because if toby isnt in the band, you arent either.

to the other proxies and pastas, hes more sober. his killings are usually fast and he tries not to dwell on them too much. theyve noticed his change in behaviour when you are in the lodge. your screams, his laughs and the absolute ruthlessness with which he treats you. they are almost surprized that he claims to love you, because it seems like he wants to continue your suffering rather than let you die a quick death.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

it can be anything. he could punch you till you fall and kick your battered body or fuck you till youre sore for days on the end. maybe even fuck with your brain if he feels like it. the intensity is always bad, but it depends on toby's mood mainly.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

he doesnt really take any rights apart from free will. you do what he says when he wants you to and he leaves you alone when youre of no use to him. he does control a lot of things from behind the scenes though, like hide your clothes so you can only wear his. he wouldnt admit how possesive he gets because he doesnt want you to know how much he really cares about you.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

toby is not patient. he never was and never will be. when he wants something he gets it done then and there. you can not procrastinate with him. he will get upset and you know what happens when he does.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

you? die? that wouldnt happen unless its of completely natural causes. he makes ben keep his eye on you 24/7 through cctvs or even your phone. you can not suicide, ben will simply teleport to you and stop you no matter what he has to do. ben is closest to toby and jeff, and cares about them enough to spend a good portion of his freetime looking after their toys.

successfully escapes wouldnt work. the thing about toby is, youre more obsessed with him than he is. as i stated before, its not even his manipulation that got you this way, it was simply the years that youve spent together. you need him because youve never been without him and it doesnt matter whether he wants you there or not.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

he does feel guilty. he hates it and thats why he hates you. he hates how you are a constant reminder of whata could have been and what has happened. he doesnt need to let you go because youll return to him anyways.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

his childhood was rough as hell. its either that or the disorders he doesnt treat that fuck him up.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

he doesnt want to deal with it. he treats your feelings like he does with his but a little more softly. if hes in a good mood while youre crying hell try and comfort you and you will feel how it did when you were kids.

if youre screaming and crying because of a punishment however, he wont stop. he does feel fucking guilty but he channels the rage into being rougher with you. he laughs at you calling you pathetic and how you probably are enjoying this.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

the most unique thing about him is you. he may be violent and all, but youve been possesive of him forever. youve clung onto him so badly that nothing he does will make you leave. your like a leech to him, sucking his soul out with every moment youre together. he loves you so much he cant get himself to make you leave. its toxic for him too as it is for you.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

when toby isolates himself cause of a bad fucking day (this is quite rare though). you can leave him whenever you want actually, the doors always open. you just wont.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

yes ofcourse. hes a serial killer.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

worship is a stretch. you plague his mind the whole time, yes, but he wouldnt "worship" you. youre his best friend, not some goddess.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

he started to develop feelings for you when he hit adolescence. watching you sing while he played the first time you decided to start a band was when he started to see you more than just (nickname). you both have always had some sort of situationship going on which was kind of the reason you never stayed in a relationship for too long. he fell for you when he was 13 and you were 11 so in the current year it should be 6 years.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

he wouldnt. hes very careful with you no matter how unhinged he may seem.

[youremyheaven]

Mrigashira: The Truth Is Subjective?

This is part 3 of my Mrigashira trilogy (here's part 1 & part 2)

I had previously explored the Mrigashira tendency to speak the truth and often be considered crazy for it. I thought I'd expand on this nature for this post as well.

Being truthful can mean many different things. The truth is also context-bound and what one exposes can differ based on the circumstances.

Dalai Lama- Mrigashira Mercury conjunct Rising

He has been at the forefront of the Tibetan independence movement, He has spoken up about nonviolence and his work includes a focus on the environment, economics, women's rights, non-violence, inter-faith dialogue, physics, astronomy, Buddhism and science, cognitive neuroscience, reproductive health and sexuality. He's literally one of the most admired people in the world and is considered a Bodhisattva. Being truthful or bringing attention to the truth is a big part of his life. This is not to say he isnt shady tho

He is also a very complicated figure. He used to get a personal income of over $1 million every year from the CIA for about 2 decades between 1959 and 1974?? He inappropriately touched Lady Gaga when they were on stage together, there is also a video of him asking a young boy to "suck his tongue" 🤮🤢

sometimes the truth isn't really the truth. whatever you believe to be true is what is true to you even if it does not have any basis in reality. one terrifying example of that is the Aum Shinrikyo cult leader Shoko Ashara

Shoko Asahara- Mrigashira Moon

He was the leader of the infamous cult Aum Shinrikyo, that carried out the 1995 Tokyo subway sarin gas attack and several other attacks. Asahara declared himself as God and led his followers into believing that the end of the world was coming. Its a bizarre mix of new age conspiracy theories, religious syncretism, enlightenment, doomsday mentality and pure sadism.

He and several other leaders of the cult were executed in 2018 after more than 2 decades in prison.

It goes to show how "truth" is very subjective. Shoko was a megalomaniac who was fcked in the head, yet he managed to convince manyyy people of his teachings and even got them to do whatever he wanted them to do??

Donald Trump, Mrigashira Sun conjunct Rahu, popularised the term "fake news". it is so interesting to me that a man generally known as a liar will have Mrigashira of all naks and esp have it conjunct Rahu, the planet of illusion. Astrology is funny like that sometimes. He was very forceful in spreading his truth, even though that truth was bigoted, racist, classist and misogynistic. And in one way, he helped expose people who supported him bc what is worse than being known as a Trump supporter? That is enough to gauge someone's character and nature.

Idi Amin- Mrigashira Moon

mrig nakshatra is actually present in the luminaries of many dictators/fascists/terrible leaders. Idi did not really have any specific ideology, he was a brutal narcissist who got a kick out of murdering people even at the expense of his nation's well being.

Ryuho Okawa- Mrigashira Moon & Venus

He was the leader of a cult called Happy Science and declared himself to be God. one thing that stands out to me with mrig natives is how since Mrigashira nak represents the fall from heaven, i.e, the beginning of life on earth in some ways, its natives tend to be obsessed with truth telling, I had explored more positive manifestations of this in part 1 but this tendency can be manifest in very bad ways as we see from these examples as "truth" is very subjective. Okawa was telling his truth bc he genuinely believed he was God but does that make it right?

Jennifer Lawrence, Mrigashira Moon

JLaw has always struck me honest, maybe a little too honest but that's what made her so likable initially and unlikable later on. I had mentioned this in part 1 as well about how the presence of a Mrig native often triggers other people or makes them feel threatened. part of it is the fact that Mrig has serpent yoni and subconsciously we sense the energy of other people's yoni animals and react a certain way in their presence. people with predator yoni animals strike us as intimidating. most people hate snakes and will probably kill them if they see them bc it could be dangerous and this is honestly how society reacts to a lot of serpent yoni women. So many sex symbols have serpent yoni in their big 3 (Pamela Anderson, Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie, Brooke Shields etc) society seems enchanted by them but is also quick to tear them apart. people feel deeply uncomfortable with these natives is what I have noticed. JLaw's reputation suffered after she had been exposed as a try hard "cool girl". but tbh, there are celebs out there who are far more annoying and done far worse things, how come JLaw's hated for being the "cool girl"?? part of it could be that we all see our collective shadow in her, the hot sexy talented woman who seems to be a messy clumsy loser and is also "one of the boys". JLaw grew up on a farm with 2 brothers, its only natural that her personality is a little brutish and unladylike, it gets old really quick bc it seemed gimmicky but it is interesting to me how someone can be ripped apart for something so small??

Sandra Bullock, Mrigashira Stellium

Sandra plays these unladylike but blunt and honest characters a lot (While You Were Sleeping, Two Weeks Notice, Miss Congeniality movies etc)

Sonam Kapoor- Mrigashira stellium (sun mercury & mars)

Sonam is known in the Indian media for saying whatever comes to her mouth lol, that means she makes a lot of dumb comments (she once said her being a nepo baby was the result of good karma from past lives lol and that people think you're a good actor if youre not good looking which is basically implying that she isnt considered a good actor bc she's too good looking lmfao) but she does have moments of radical no bullshit honesty, like the time she wrote an essay talking about body image

Monica from Friends always called out everyone's bullshit. She was played by Courteney Cox who is Mrigashira Sun

Leah Remini Mrigashira Sun

she exposed the dark secrets of Scientology through her memoir and docu series. this is another form of Mrigashira truth telling. exposing the darkness, evil and injustice in this world.

North West, Mrigashira Stellium (Sun & Rising)

North exposing her family is a bit of a running joke, she revealed she has dyslexia on IG live which pissed Kim off and in general she's known for her bluntness and calling out her mom esp. Kim even said that North is her "lesson" and that North "intimidates her" and how North is Kanye's twin (Kanye is also Mrigashira Sun)

Tupac Mrigashira Sun

honestly watch any interview and you can see how honest and sincere Tupac was (sidenote: isnt he sooo handsome??<33). i cant pinpoint to specific moments but Tupac was so young and sooo beyond mature?? idk if anybody in their early 20s has this kind of articulation anymore.

Paula Abdul- Mrigashira Sun

this is a bit of a strange case. Paula claims to have been in a plane crash in 1992 which left her with a spinal cord injury and forced her to take about 10 years off before she restarted her career as a judge on American Idol. she has talked about this many many times in the last 2 decades. except of course that there is zero evidence of this plane crash. obviously, she could just be lying but why lie about something that could so easily be proven? i think sometimes Mrig natives have a tendency to delusionally believe what they say. i have no doubt that Paula is convinced that she was in a plane crash and that it ruined her music career but its not objectively true.

Donald Trump & even Kanye West (both Mrig Sun) are other examples of celebrities who talk about wildly stranger things that they believe to be true.

Ewan McGregor- Mrigashira moon

In the movie The Island, Ewan's character discovers that everything about his existence is a lie and that he and the other inhabitants are human clones.

I feel like this trope of realizing lies and "waking up" is tied to Mrigashira's nature.

in the movie Passengers, this happens in reverse, JLaw wakes up and then learns the truth

The Truman Show, starring Mrigashira Moon, Jim Carrey is another example of a Mrig native realising everything is a lie.

i think its a common and unfortunate pattern in the lives of many Mrig natives to suffer abuse and I feel like the reason many of them do is because they falsely believe the lies they are being fed is true :(( it takes them time to "wake up" to the truth (ex: Mrig Sun Brooke Shields who always defended her abusive mom who made her pose nude for playboy when she was a kid??? among other things, its only recently that she has started to admit that those things werent okay)

thats it for this post!!

[eliasiis]

would you like to share your keishin brainrot👁️👁️

humbly asking for any headcanons or scenarios🙏🙏only if you are comfortable🫶🫶

OAHHHMYHGOODDDDD OH MY GODDDD IH MY GODDDDDDD

im normal. yttd spoilers (?) ahead.

okay anyways. ive just replayed yttd recently but im still not great at headcanons so you guys are gonna have to bear with my ooc LEAVE ME ALONE

okay so keiji to me like. ive noticed he has this tendency to be really teasy to people he thinks have amusing reactions. like to sara he does the "cause youre cute" thing multiple times. and if u ask if hes flirting with reko he says yes just to be funny. like so many ppl see keiji as this uber serious stoic guy but hes NOTTT HES NOT!!! hes not like that.

and shin also has this tendency but in like. a more malicious way. like when he asks in the Laptop Confrontation if sara and keiji are on a date . like obviously hes trying to get under their skin rather than poke fun for laughs but listen to my point ok

i feel like. keishin is the kind of ship where its not so much constant bickering (which it IS that but not my point rn) but more like shin provokes keiji to get a reaction out of him because he wants to see keiji with an expression besides Neutral and keiji provokes shin back because he wants to see shin lose his cool and get flustered for a minute. like they both poke back and forth because even for two different reasons, they want to see the other . break character? for lack of a better term

i also feel like shin is the type to crumble immediately when threatened with any sort of physical resistance to the dumb shit he says. but he doesnt want to lose his Image that he spent so long building. so when he provokes keiji and gets backed into a literal corner his instincts tell him to apologize and look pitiful and Escape the Situation but hes got a reputation to hold up so he looks keiji in the eyes. and hes like. "wooow physical violence? showing your true colors much??"

and keijis like. who said anything about violence. and shin is like ???? what the hell are you talking about.

so they just chill there for a second. shin pinned between keiji and the wall. and after like 5 minutes of being intimidatingly loomed over and glared at shin is like... okay... so can i... go?? or do you want to sit here and try to intimidate me some more because its not working (it is. it absolutely is working, but shut up.)

and keijis like no i wanna try something. yknow. as a detective. see if you have an off button besides violence. and shin is so confused and also very intimidated and kind of shrinking back as much as possible while also still holding keijis glare because if he loses a staring contest then what was all of this really for???

but he loses anyways because keijis fingers are doing terrible and inhumane things to his sides right now and shin GRABS at keijis shoulders and SHOVES with all his strength but . well. that isnt much. but it does give him a minute to breathe and be like. WHAT are you DOING? but keijis just like lolololol cmere and kind of wraps around him in this half hug half death trap thing and wriggles his terrible fingers into shins ribs . and hes rewarded with this terrified delighted shriek of agony . and he dares to laugh at shins suffering. not the usual cowardly half chuckle but an actual LAUGH like hes surprised at shins literal shriek and by god shin will murder this man. he must.

and keijis like haha wow this isnt much of an off button is it? and shin doesnt even struggle because he CANT. his arms are pressed against keijis chest and his knees are way too jelly to function so hes not only pressed way too close to keiji but hes also being entirely held up by him and also tortured at the same time . and thats kind of. its kind of. uh. well. its. its kind of. um.

so anyways keishin right guys hahahahahahahahah im so normal

[desire-mona]

this most definitely isnt an original thought and i've probably heard it on a podcast before but. i am so married to todd's sweaty tooth madman poem being a metaphor for not accepting being gay.

so here's me picking the whole thing apart (and not proofreading anything)

so starting with

the sweaty toothed madman of course being walt whitman, who we all know is (at least rumoured to be) gay. now the interpretation of whitman being a metaphor for todd's sexuality is nothing new, but i'd like to expand on it.

"i close my eyes and this image floats beside me"

i see this as any moment todd has to himself, no matter where he is, he is reminded whitman/ the fact that he's gay. the specific usage of closing your eyes to mean that the image/ reminder is always there, always following. i see the use of the words "beside me" in a couple different ways. either to suggest that the reminder is just out of view, being pushed away just enough to not be the main focus and more something you see in your peripheral, or in a 3rd person perspective, seeing todd and the imagery of walt beside eachother, coinciding with eachother. i could see both interpretations working equally as well, or even comined.

"the sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain"

THIS LINE. i loooove his use of sweaty toothed!!!!!

if you're not sure what sweaty toothed means, it just kinda means ur teeth r. wet. drooly mouth. i see this madman being sweaty toothed to mean that he's "hungry", not literally, but more desiring something. this being truth, which i'll get into later.

the stare that pounds my brain. oh man. ok so obviously this means that the image/ thought is intimidating, terrifying, threatening. the implication that todd being gay is as much of a threat to his life/ wellbeing as a madman that has it out for him, both ideas causing him an insane amount of stress.

this line is fairly simple to me, the reminder goes from something that terrifies you but ultimately can go unacknowledged, to a constant, overbearing thought that suffocates you enough that you HAVE to face it in some way or another. todd is facing it fearfully, letting it take control of him and how he acts rather than tackling the idea himself. he is defenseless against this part of him

truth (ur gay)

todd thinkin this truth will leave him unsatisfied in life :-( not only in the love sense tho! with his family too, if they find out god forbid, theyll surely view him differently and cast him off even farther than they already do. i also like to think this is him lowkey complaining that the blankets at welton are too small.

this also, devastatingly enough, reminds me of the bit from rocketman where elton comes out to his mom.

clip from rocketman (2019)

and he's mumbling. he's mumbling! this truth is still cloudy, not full realised, still being pushed away. whitman wants the truth, todd wants the truth, but he's still not ready, everything's still uncertain. this uncertain truth could also pertain to todd's feelings toward neil specifically, but i dont think that was the intention. todd does exist as his own person!

this ones simple again. you can fight off your feelings and sexuality all you want but it still wont really lead you anywhere you wanna be. you either end up marrying someone you dont love (women), or you end up alone. also the heavy emphasis on physical violence toward the Truth Blanket could be a metaphor for the physical danger todd would be in if anyone found out, but im not hellbent on that idea.

god. "from the moment we enter crying, to the moment we leave dying," is a BEAUTIFUL way to convey "your entire life" todd you have such a way with words. anyway. i take this as something like. this is something you're born with and cant change, todd was born gay, obviously, and it will never go away with any amount of effort. hence the wailing, crying, and screaming.

also i view the specific line of "it will just cover your face" in a couple different ways. either to mean this truth will suffocate you no matter what you do, or this truth will leave you needing to hide major parts of yourself from the world.

this got a bit repetitive, i apologise. but i still have more to say.

some parts of this poem i find to be a bit too wordy to have been come up with on the spot. do i think todd is talented enough to do so? absolutely! but i just dont think that's the case. i have no doubt in my mind that a LOT of what he said in front of the class was either already on his mind, or was written down beforehand but eventually scrapped.

specifics i have in mind are the concepts of a sweaty toothed madman and a blanket that leaves your feet cold. i dont think this sweaty toothed madman was written specifically with whitman in mind, i think it was just a vessel for his anxiety generally. but the blanket i just KNOW was thought out and written down with the intention to like. be a metaphor for being unsatisfied.

and that only makes the class laughing at that line that much worse, no wonder he wanted to stop! not only was todd incredibly brave for continuing after, but keating was unimaginably quick to get the focus back to the poem. he knew that metaphor meant something to todd, and choosing to expand on that was actually an amazing way to drive that home.

either way, todd's far more brave than i ever could be. i'd be shitting myself up there.

also if u disagree with any of these points are wanna add anything then TELL MEEEE!!! art is anything but subjective and i looove seeing how you guys view things like this.

[thaltro]

tysm for answering my last q c: im sry if this is indelicate or tactless, but how does it work for you? can you/do you and your alters communicate with each other? or is it just like.. a feeling?

Good question

I’ll be honest and say it’s hard to tell the difference between self talk and self soothing with other alters talking. I’m diagnosed with OCD so I have quite a lot of intrusive thoughts and it feels like that tbh. If I was having an intrusive thought about violence I can’t control it or get rid of it, it feels like my personal thoughts but it’s just my brain flashing ideas to piss me off. With alters it works similarly just usually not distressing intrusive thoughts, instead thoughts that I don’t agree with or things I wouldn’t think of that I can’t shut up.

A good example could be the best communication I have with a frequent supportive ANP, his name is Pav. I tend to catastrophize and over work myself, because of that my brain triggers his part to show up, he recites calming things to help me. He forces the body to breathe slower and for me to lay down, sometimes he makes me rub my arms or ground myself. “Communicating” isnt mostly us talking in our head because my thoughts are rapid and hard to interpret, but feeling his emotions and physical actions is how we mostly talk. Because our amnesia is low with each other he leaves notes and I leave him notes back. But yeah it’s mostly physical and emotional then actually talking.

For me when there’s a lot of communication it usually means I’m going to switch out, with Pav if he’s there, he will soothe me then switch out so when I front again I’m not distressed.

In a negative example, alter communication can be fronting and forcefully thinking of trauma and trauma reenactment. I can tell the difference between that and intrusive thoughts because I can feel the weight of an alter attached to it. There’s intention and the thoughts feel more like a story being read to me and not a intrusive flash.

I regained this memory but when we where a little child and people where hurting us, alter communication is what kept us going. Because I grew up religious I thought angels where talking to me and forcing me to eat, sleep, shower, and breathe. I’d always talk to my family about those “angels” but really they where just parts of me communicating and soothing my body for survival. For little me communication was mostly through prayer sessions where I would dissociate asking for their help. Now I know that was Alters but a lot of times communication can be covert.

The biggest difference is it feels passionate and overwhelming when alters are communicating some sort of memory, emotion, physical behaviour, or idea- it takes over my entire body’s attention and dissociates me out of reality.

That’s my personal experience, others may have it differently but thank you

[t3ag3rs]

g e n s o - 0 8.

you wipe the sweat of your lip, looking at the villian in front of you..

"kurogiri...? how could you let these brats get the best out of you?" questions the blue haired male. you look down at bakugou as he starts to rant again.

"you got careless you dumbass... it wasnt hard to figure you out." he pauses before starting again, "only certain parts of you turn into that smoky warp gate- you use that mist to hide your actual body- kinda like a distraction, thinking that makes you safe." he moves his face lower to the villian, "thats why we missed... but if you didnt have a body you wouldnt be wearing this neck armor right? you arent immune to physical attacks if theyre well aimed.." 

the villian grunts and you snort, geez who wouldve known hes such a nerd... he sends an explosion through his palm as kurogiri attempts to move. "you try anything funny and ill blow your ass up right now... you hear me?" he grins menacingly.

you turn your attention back to the blue haired male standing in front of you all, "you all escaped unharmed and captured my two biggest weapons... you kids these days make us seem like animals..." he rasps.

"maybe cause you guys dont think things all that through ey..?" u retort, before you see the inhuman monster break through todorokis ice. you gasp as it starts regenerating the limbs it lost. 

"what is that?" all might questions standing, "i thought he only had one quirk...?"

"i never said that... nomu was designed to be able to take you on.. even with 100% of your power..!" chuckles the blue haired male; shigakari. "but first we need to free our way of escape.." you widen your eyes as you register what he means.

you use your wind to pull bakugou to you right before the nomu reached him. you let out a loud gasp as the nomus punch sends you and everyone else flying. looking over, you see all might on the other side of you, "he mustve moved to save you as well.." u mutter to bakugou.

"you didnt even hold back with the kids...!" all might grunts, as he struggles to get back up. 

"theyre no angels... that plain looking one right there tried to kill me with his punch..!" shigakari points, "thats quite unfair isnt it? just because you all label it as a heroic thing, everyone says its fine, but when someone else does it its automatically considered wrong..!" he pauses, "your just labeled as the 'symbol of peace' but you still use violence... and violence breeds into violence... ill make sure everyone knows that once your dead..!" he chuckles.

"villians like you always try to color their actions as noble.. but the truth is you just enjoy it..! isnt that right..?" all might yells.

"we've outnumbered them.." mutters todoroki as he readies himself along with the others. you get into a fighting stance until all might stops you, but before all might could respond todoroki speaks again, "you wouldve been in trouble before if we didnt help, remember..? you need our help."

"i thank you for your assistance, but this is different..." he pauses and looks back, "its gonna be all right... just sit back and watch a pro at work..!"

you frown, "but your injured... your bleeding..!" you plead not wanting all might to further injure himself. he gives you a thumbs up and you hold your breath as all might readies himself.

suddenly the nomu runs at all might and meets him with a punch that sends everyone flying back. you grunt as you try to hold yourself in place as they both brawl, almost perfectly mimicking each other. you widen your eyes as you realize every punch that follows the other is slightly stronger than before, he was going beyond 100% of his power.

the nomu goes flying back and all might goes after it, "a real hero..." he pauses as he grabs the arm of the nomu, "will always find a way to get justice to prevail..!" he finishes as he throws him down. you shut your eyes tightly as you fight against the tremors, "now i know youve heard these words before... but ill show you what they really mean.." he winds his arm back as the nomu runs at him.

"go beyond- PLUS ULTRA!" he yells as he sends a punch right into the nomus torso, sending it flying out the USJ. 

you stand up gasping, "he beat the shock absorption right outta him!" praises kirishima, "ive never seen a shot like that before..!"

"imagine having power like that..! he mustve been punching him so fast he didnt have time to regenerate..." praises bakugou as he scowls.

you turn to find all might and rush towards him, "surrender... we all want to get this over with.." he speaks to shigakari. you stare as shigakari starts itching his neck out of frustration.

hes not giving up..! but all might cant stand in this form any longer...! you think as you look at all might struggling to keep up his form. suddenly, you see deku in the air with his arm winded back about to punch shigakari. you gasp as you see shigakaris hand being raised toward dekus face, but before you could react you hear a gunshot and see deku fall on the other side.

you turn and see that the back up finally came. "about damn time.." u grunt pulling all might back. u see multiple shots being fired, but kurogiri warps himself around shigakari.

the next thing you knew, thirteen was trying to suck up kurogiri, but sadly her attempts came to a fail as they teleported away.

you turn to all might and look at the injury near his stomach, "i can try to somewhat heal it right now..." you mutter out, rushing to get the water. "let me see the injury-" you ramble.

"nono.. its alright..." rasps all might placing his hand on your shoulder, attempting to reassure you. you shake your head urgently, "no..! its not! please just let me attempt too..!" u plead frustratingly. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

after a couple of minutes, all might was taken back to ua privately so no one could see his real identity. you frown as you get bandaged for the minor injury you received on your arm.

"hey y/n..!" kirishima runs up to you, "are you alright..?" he asks worriedly, checking you for any other injuries.

you chuckle nodding, "im fine.. just frustrated i couldnt help all that much... i couldve tried and somewhat heal all might, but he didnt accept no matter how hard i tried.." u respond dejectedly.

he puts his hand on your shoulder smiling softly, "hey there.. dont be sad.. at least you tried right..? its the thought that counts!" he grins, "besides you were badass when we were dealing with those villians alongside bakugou!" 

you nod smiling, "thanks kiri..." 

"all right everyone..! we're heading back to ua now..!" exclaims iida, "get in the same spots you came to the USJ in!" 

you groan silently as you walk inside realizing you would have to sit next to bakugou again. geez i helped save that boys life more than once, yet he still hasnt thanked me.. you frown.

you look out the window frowning before you hear bakugou sit next to you. "thanks..." he mumbles looking away.

you widen your eyes realizing what he said, "what..?" u gasp.

he groans, "i said thanks genso, god you deaf now too..?!" he seethes. you gulp scooting away a bit.

"my bad... but uh- your welcome...?" u mumble hesitantly.

he looks away not responding and you turn away not wanting to pester him anymore, you didnt wanna get on his bad side on the way back after what had happened. you close your eyes as the bus starts softly and starts to drive back.

god todays been a long day...

previous parts: pt. 0 0 / pt. 0 1 / pt. 02 / pt. 03 / pt. 04 / pt. 05 / pt. 06 / pt. 07 next parts: pt. 09 / pt. 10 / pt. 11 / pt. 12 / pt. 13 / pt. 14 / pt. 15 / pt. 16

[sayorhiki]

Hey I hope you don't mind but I have a fic request for you. I love your writing and I would love to see more!

How about a fic Shoko (from jjk) and her reactions to Geto leaving, then Geto dying and finally Gojo dying? I would love to see one like this. But hey no pressure!

hi! firstly tysm for the request!! it's my first ever and i hope that what i wrote isnt too bad and is what you expected... i also hope that it isn't too ooc, i tried to make shoko's character as canon as possible in this fic but i might have failed 😭 anyway here it is, i really hope that you'll like it, so sorry if you don't!😞

‘left alone’

shoko, geto, and gojo. they were a trio, three best friends, no one left out. no one excluded by the others. so it's needless to say that when geto excluded himself, not only from their friend group, but from the jujutsu sorcerer world altogether to become a curse user, both gojo and shoko were devastated. why would their friend massacre an entire village, why would he go as far as killing his own parents? they didn't want to believe that geto could have done such an awfully violent thing when his morals, he used to brag about, were the solar opposites of his actions.

what is also needless to say, is that shoko and gojo are deeply different persons. whereas the latter was burning with anger, rage fueled by the sentiment of betrayal, desperate for a reason, shoko was unaffected by it all. or that is what most people would assume. in reality, shoko was as affected as gojo, mayhaps even more. however, she accepted geto's choice. or she at least, tried to accept a part of it. according to herself, she had no right to deny him a life without sorcery studies, or curses to exorcist. violence was intrinsic to the jujutsu world. a secret world based on nothing but the negative feelings of every human individual, and the urge to protect those who are defenseless when confronted to the results of their own hurting. it was easy for exorcists to be overwhelmed by the pained emotions that the curses they were supposed to kill could give to their murderer. and so, shoko understood geto's pain, fueled by the monsters he had to digest, due to his cursed technique. what she refused to comprehend, however, was his violent meltdown, his massacre. his need to tear apart every non-sorcerer, who were the indirect reason for his discomfort, his anguish, his suffering. and her -not so strong- morals could not let her forgive him. he had killed innocents. he had shed blood when he wasn't supposed to. and although she understood some of it, she found it incredibly stupid. there were so many other ways out of the sorcerer world, he had morals that were so strong. massacring an entire village, becoming a curse user, it achieved a level of stupidity shoko didn't even want to comprehend. but geto wasn't stupid. she knew that.

shoko and geto had met approximately fourteen months prior, during their first year as students at jujutsu high. they laughed together, grew fond of one another. so why didn't geto run for her comfort when the weight of his cursed technique felt even slightly heavier? she was aware that comforting wasn't an art she mastered. what she did master, however, was her reverse cursed technique. she could heal physical wounds, but when it came to psychological scars that didn't leave anomalies on the brain's structure, she was useless. her presence wasn't reassuring. she seemed closed, nonchalant, and perhaps even unfriendly. she felt powerless, betrayed, despite her attempts at accepting geto's stupid choice.

no one knew that many blurred questions were spiralling through her head after she was informed of geto's killing spree. but one single thought stood clear and loud, one idea that squeezed her heart, traped it and forced weirdly uncomfortable shapes upon it. geto is gone. it'd be a miracle if she managed to see this idiot one, final time. he had been expelled from jujutsu high and shoko had no way to contact him. yet the only thing she craved at the moment, was for geto to talk to her. for them to have one last discussion. to be given an explanation, maybe. to say goodbye, to wish eachother a good life, to eventually go towards different paths. to discuss for the last time, for shoko to be able to let him go properly. so when this opportunity was actually offered to her, shoko could genuinely not process the amount of luck she possessed. when the two met in shinjuku, she immediately grabbed the occasion, without an ounce of hesitation.

she didn't cry, she didn't run in his arms. he shared his reasoning, they talked as if nothing had changed, and this was enough for shoko's mind to be slightly more peaceful. she would miss him. she would miss her best friend. and she found geto childish, she was somewhat angry, baffled by his stupidity. but deep down, knowing that he was comfortable with his choice, that he was alright, made everything else seem alright as well.

a few years later, shoko was in her office, running on eleven cups of black coffee and her tenth cigarette -although she was supposed to stop smoking-, eye bags dramatically big, unmotivated and uninterested as always, when gojo's first year students were sent to her. they were all mildly wounded, but alive. and she carefully healed every teen, barely curious about what shenanigans gojo had put them to on the night parade of 100 demons, until one particular name had been mentioned. one she hadn't heard in so long, one single name that lit a fire of attention and engrossment in her heart that had been cold and closed for so many years now. the thermic shock hurting her soul, her body, her mind, but the flame of interest that had started to burn was enough for her to ignore the faded pained feelings that this name brought back. geto had attacked gojo's students. she knew about geto's survival, and his thrive to continue building his so-called ‘perfect world’ by the war declaration he had announced a few months prior. when she was informed of this, a mere smile appeared on her face, although she seemingly should have been horrified at the news. but she wasn't, geto was alive, and, apparently, doing very well. but when his name had been mentioned once again, on the 24th of december, a smile hadn't been gifted to her tired face then. instead, a frown replaced it. not only had gojo sent his dear students to the battle field, hoping that their death would be sufficient to anger yuta and kill geto, a cruel decision taken by their teacher. but also because geto was dead. he had died that night, and his stupid idea of a perfect world vanished alongside him. and shoko had already mourned geto, his best friend, the one she knew had died years ago. but one single tear ran down her cheek at his death. not out of grief, nor sadness. but out of anger.

and that anger kept growing, slowly, almost not at all, as shoko watched gojo walk away more and more from her. they were best friends. why weren't they acting as such? and she knew that she was acting stupidly, they were barely friends anymore. but when, one year after geto's death, shoko stared at the screen displaying gojo's dead body, that anger burst, and she used it as a tool to do what she had to. she sewed his body, prepared it for yuta. and when sukuna finally vanished, a surprising sense of calm filled her. her friends were dead. she was left alone. yet a sentiment of comfort was filling her entire self. she knew that, wherever they were, they had to be happier than ever, and they found the peace they always craved for, in their mortality. and although she didn't believe in life after death, she looked forward to joining them. and she found herself smiling at their graves. “just wait for me,” she murmured more to herself than to anyone else. and for the first time in years, she felt their presence next to her. her anger died down, and she knew then that they were still the united trio they were back in highschool. “you idiots” she laughed, as she accepted that her best fiends were the stupidest persons she had ever met.

wc: 1,320

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