#phew. emotional to write tbh

[rippedstitch-s]

S C O R C H E D E A R T H .

Below the cut is a moment in the life of ASA HOLLAND, in his 4th floor apartment in Manhattan.

Please be aware of all trigger warnings before proceeding.

tw // murder, blood, gore, torture mention, medical malpractice

--- - -- --

Scorched earth.

His ribs are a burning church and the devil's set it on fire.

But the same hands pouring the kerosene are the ones that chase away the fumes. Tug his heart free and out just in time. Crisped by the lick of the flame, but alive.

Very much alive.

Too alive.

He feels everything too much.

It's a burden, now.

He yearns and aches and the pangs are now bullets. He staggers from each shot, but he stands. Leaning and frail, dripping black ichor onto a ceaseless floor.

Still stands.

There is blackness behind his eyes now. The shine of light, the reflection of sweetness, has faded like a candle burnt for too long.

The wick's been doused out in its own hot wax.

Consumed and encased.

Consumed is a good word for it - the way he’s trapped in mania. The enticing fingers of long shadows, the snapshot of puddles of blood. It's scorched into retinas.

Red likes to filter over his vision like he’s sitting in that darkroom. The photos hung in the darkness are unintelligible- just as black as everything else. Maybe bodies, maybe parts, but disembodied.

Every face is blotted into smudges like charcoal.

An illustrator sees art in the slaughtered and mangled. In the gnarled scab across his chest, the twisted fingers beneath ink and bandage. 

And absolutely in the demon who kisses and cleans him.

A lover who brings him to fever, then wipes his sweat-stained brow. Drains the bad blood from his body in his sickbed.

Medicinal, the comfort it brings.

Depraved, the thoughts it tugs through.

It's chiaroscuro; the shadows deep within the planes of his lover's face - dark, bold blots, no light until suddenly there's plenty. Whereas in his own, the cross-hatching of fine ink across Asa's nose, mouth, cheeks. Thin lines in meticulous detail. The building up of shade.

Forms of black and white, so different but a similar medium. fit for a gallery, perhaps a museum. 

Meant to be studied, really.

It’s in this creativity that his mania sits and holds out its hands. As the scratchy lines come in a fervor from charcoals and pastels, as blood drips from a lip bitten too hard and for too long in concentration. 

The mania smiles, and collects his pieces into an embrace.

It’s not too hard to connect the twisted body of his father scrawled on drafting paper to the ink blot that grows around him. 

Abysm, after abysm, after abysm. 

But with its arms it becomes...

Still. So still.

There’s no buzzing and pounding in his head. The oil spill has coated everything and muted it all in molasses. 

It's floating. No pain.

No pleasure, either. It just... is.

A finger finally traces the blood that’s streaked into graphite and chalky dust, realizing it’s there for the first time.

Thick, sap-like on his fingers as he traces another drop and watches it peter out into nothing. A streak of alizarin crimson - an artist's palette. Acrylics. Oils.

Such material is easy enough to find, if he wants it. If he searches for it. The texture is far better than most paints.

It's so still.

Has the clock stopped ticking on the wall, or is he deep in a state again? Is it the batteries, or is he... batty?

....he didn't used to be, did he?

It's his father's fault. In his hopes of avoiding his son's insanity, he ensured it and came face to face with it.

Conor Holland died for his crimes against his son. As he should have.

Dr. Hartley. Torture. Medical malpractice. Defunct equipment. Killed. As he should have been.

Romeo Valtori. Apartment manager... rude. Misogynistic. Disgusting. Killed as well. Goodbye.

Maybe it's not so difficult to find people who deserve it. Just squint and there they are.

Laid out in funny little rows.

More red for a palette. More bodies for the ink blot on the kaleidoscope. More peace, more stillness.

A win win.

The church's charred remains fall. Debris everywhere. An explosion of fire and brimstone.

Yet his heart beats, thrums in the hands of a killer. A lover. He holds it so carefully for someone so cruel.

A ribcage can be rebuilt - the church can be reconstructed.

And the burning just smells like winter, and hydroquinone, and a night wrapped in silk sheets.

Peace. Stillness.

[joocomics]

ಬ different kind of normal

pairing: idol!taehyun x fem!reader

genre: angst, smut — mdni! wc: 1.7k

contains: situationship, reunion sex, sub!reader, slight hint of dumbification, slight dacryphilia, unprotected sex, dirty talk, pet names, reader is emotional and cries during sex, not a happy ending (?)

a/n: this has been sitting in the drafts since august and it’s finally seeing the light of day. cannot believe such angsty smut is happening on joocomics, tbh i don’t think i’ll be writing anything similar anytime soon phew it was tricky and i realised that i need my happy endings. but i wanted to try smth new, i really hope you enjoy it </3 sometimes you just need a kim taehyun to numb your emotions

You go down the familiar stairs and walk into the bar. It’s loud, lit by the usual dim yellow-ish lights, the scent of alcohol and skin is covering every corner, wrapping around your silhouette.

Your eyes observe the place to search for him and it doesn’t take long to find him - he’s sitting on your usual spot which is distanced from every other table; it feels intimate and secluded.

None of the people who visit this bar know who he is, nor do they know you, and sitting on this specific table every time you see each other only enhances the feeling you get in these moments - like you and him are the only people existing in this place and time.

“Taehyun,” you greet him at once.

You haven’t said his name out loud in so long. You’re not allowed to talk about him to anyone; not that you want to anyway, you want to keep him to yourself though it feels nice to be able to roll it off your tongue again. It feels freeing, especially in his presence.

Maybe he missed hearing his name in your voice, because his eyes smile at the sound before he even turns to face you. The letters ring nicely, like his name is something he can feel caressing his skin when you’re the one saying it.

“You’re here.” He automatically leans forward after you sit down next to him; the usual gravitational force that always pulls you together is another thing he was anticipating to experience again.

His one arm goes over your shoulders and the sudden warmth enveloping you makes your knees weak. The truth is, they were already weak from the steps you had to take to reach your table, but now they feel like they’re about to melt.

Being so close to him months later feels like it’s your first date all over again. You hate it and love it all at the same time.

“I just ordered your favorite,” he says and you can hear the slight note of pride in his smooth voice.

His hair is covered from a black cap which he eventually takes off before running a hand through his hair; it grabs your attention with a new color that you haven’t seen him with in person before.

You point out the obvious fact about how he still remembers your order as you take a minute to observe the attractive features that make up the face you learned to love.

“Of course I do,” he simply replies, leaning in for a kiss.

The first kiss after three and a half months. It feels so exciting and electrifying, just like the very first one you had a year ago, but at the same time it feels familiar too - like you’re reminiscing on a comforting memory you haven’t looked back on for a while.

His hand slides up your thigh, then travels up your hip only to sneak in discreetly beneath your shirt, sending you pleasant shockwaves. Soon enough he breaks the kiss though, careful not to bring any unnecessary attention on you.

“Next month I’m gonna have a week off.” Taehyun speaks up after a moment of silence between the two of you. After a sip of his beer, he continues: “I was thinking that you can come visit me if you want.”

Yes… Yes. You do. You want to scream it out loud. But the only thing you do is breathe in, staring inside the cup of your cocktail; trying to force yourself to speak before your mind turns blank.

“You don’t need to worry about money,” he adds as he shifts his gaze to you, hopeful and anticipating of your response. “It’s all on me, baby.”

There it is - the reminder you needed before giving any answers. His money, his fame. His life that’s so unfitting to yours. The pink balloon you found yourself in for a moment as he shared about his plan, tempting you to naively build dreams about your one week together, it pops, and brings you back to the harsh reality.

“Tae…” You shake head, “no matter what we do or tell each other we can’t be normal.”

Taehyun’s brows furrow at your choice of word.

Normal.

“This has to end at some point, I don’t think we should complicate things any further… as we’ve already said before.” You exhale deeply after blurting out the things you’ve been practicing on your way here. He didn’t hear the sound that escaped your lips because of the music mixed with the chatter, but if he did, he’d have known that saying all of this cost you an immense amount of energy.

You don’t glance at him even once, but Taehyun on the other hand can’t stop staring at you like he’s in some sort of a bad dream that’ll end soon if he’s patient enough.

“Right, right…” He nods, finally able to force his eyes somewhere else. He peers down at his hands on the table that begin to tap nervously at the wooden surface, sharing almost the same rhythm as his heartbeat. “You’re right, that’s the wisest thing to do.”

You know it is, but hearing him agree turns out to be more painful than you expect.

For the best, this has to end soon, you remind yourself. Maybe not tonight, but tomorrow.

“I missed you,” Taehyun rises your body temperature through raspy whispers and open mouthed kisses which he scatters onto your skin almost in a rush; as if you’re going to disappear from his hands if he dares to slow down. “Missed you so fuckin’ much...”

His soft lips trace a path from your neck down to your cleavage and soon enough he’s even lower, running his tongue against your stomach before kissing that area sensually too. The slight moisture slipping from the corners of his mouth in addition to the delicate sucks makes you shudder as he simultaneously tugs on your underwear.

“Missed this sweet pussy too,” he invites his fingers into your walls effortlessly. His gaze focuses upon your lips and how they open for a silent gasp as he glides through with ease because of your already collected arousal. “Did she miss me?”

While anticipating an answer, Taehyun swirls his tongue inside his mouth before letting a string of saliva fall right onto your clit; he smears it all over your folds, provoking your thighs to open even wider for him.

“Tae—“ You arch spine, emphasising your need for something more than this lingering rush that’s growing in a pace that’s not quite enough for how much you ache for his touch right now. “Please…”

“I think she did.” A lustful spark shimmers in his eyes as his hand maintains its delicate motions. The movements make you moan every time his fingertips reach your sensitive bundle of nerves before slipping back down again. “Say it.”

At once he meets your eyes as his frame eventually hovers over your naked flushed body.

Your hands relax on his broad shoulders as your focus fixates on his face. Hopefully there’s not as much pain into your eyes as there is in your heart in this moment. You don’t want him to know how much exactly you’re actually hurting.

“I missed you every day,” you whisper softly as your noses touch; your mouths search for each other, thirsty for the other’s taste even more now. When you feel his hand guiding his cock to your entrance your breathing catches, but you still manage to repeat it. “Of course, I missed you.”

The second he hears your words, Taehyun crashes his lips against your mouth. Because he cannot bare hearing this one more time or because he enjoys the sound of it too much - he’s not able to tell.

As he leads the kiss swiftly your legs wrap loosely around his hips and your warm walls immediately squeeze onto him as he quickens the pace, eager to make up for all the time you were away from each other.

“Fuck—“ He grunts at the growing pleasure that he reminisced about night after night before breathing out against your neck: “Finally… I swear to god nobody else can make me feel this way.”

His voice, husky and domineering despite his on going confessions, echoes in your fuzzy mind. Although you shouldn’t, you put in all the effort you can into memorising each word he says; you hold onto it tightly as the continuous thrusts gradually turn more rigid and sharp causing your nails to sink into his shoulder blades. However, as amazing the buzzing sweet wave inside you feels, you cannot suppress the sadness that’s about to overpower you first.

You swallow another failed attempt to fight back the bitter emotion, but you can feel it lingering everywhere - in your heart, inside your stomach, on your tongue once he slows down his hips to grip your face, and inside your throat that feels like it’s closing up.

“Why are you crying?”

Taehyun peers into your eyes that are sparkling at him with a bittersweet emotion which he hasn’t gotten used to seeing inside them. His gaze lowers to your puffy lips, trembling as they separate with hesitation.

“I… I don’t know what’s gotten to me, sorry,” your arms wrap tighter to pull him closer. His thumb caressing your wet cheek only makes it worse for you. “Please, k-keep going.”

“Sweetheart,” he whispers under his breath as he fulfills your wish by resuming his thrusts - more forcefully though to distract you from the sorrow, “I’ll make it go away now, okay? Focus on me, baby.”

You grasp his shoulders while the delight starts to numb your mind with each intense push of his cock. The hits against your sweet spot are fast and strong enough to weaken your memory right away.

“There you go,” Taehyun’s pants blend with your whimpers ringing beneath him as the tears on your skin begin to dry. “Such pretty eyes, look at me, love.”

Something about seeing you cry for the first time made his heart clench, and now his mind fogs up, leaving him with only one goal - to make you cum as many times as possible so you can’t think of anything for the rest of the night.

Right now, he’d erase every single thought from your brain if he knows he’s capable of doing so.

The moment he feels you’re tightening up Taehyun’s eyes open so he doesn’t miss out on one flinch of yours.

“Yeah, I’m here, baby,” he murmus, trying to keep moving forward while your peak lasts, causing you to quiver beneath his frame. “Let go, baby, I’m right here.”

Yes, he’s here, and tomorrow morning he’s still going to be here, but you’ll be gone, because this time if he tries to stop you like all the previous times, you’re not going to look back.

But for now, you and Taehyun are close as you’ve never been before.

! please do not repost, copy or translate my works

! please keep in mind that english is not my first language. i apologise for any mistakes i’ve might missed

[akkivee]

i am a little embarrassed to say i didn’t pay much attention to stage posse but still!!!!!:

stage ramuda is an entire menace lmao

like both the anime and stage’s takes on ramuda is a cutesy snarky young man who will tear everything and everyone down when provoked in a certain manner and it’s valid!!!!! doesn’t mean i particularly care for it tho lol

i love track 4 tho for showing off ramuda’s ability to manipulate and even tho he’s the antagonist of that play, he was provoked by jakurai so if you ask me, sensei was the true antagonist of that track and that’s the sort of writing that makes the stage so interesting lmao

there was a flavour of falseness sekoguchi-san’s ramuda had, like a deep seated mask over his emotions and interactions and it SLAPPED he played ramuda’s early self conflicts very well

i don’t listen to stage posse’s first songs at all anymore (i esp despise trap of fling gomen lol) but there was a time i’d listen to stage songs with yasui-san’s ramuda and get sad it didn’t hit the same as sekoguchi-san’s lol

now it’s not a problem lol yasui-san has a wonderful ramuda as well and it was an easy transition because i think sekoguchi-san and yasui-san have similar takes on ramuda

we don’t talk about stage gentaro’s first actor lol but he played a very fruity gencha and i always appreciate that lol

sakata-san’s gentaro i felt embraced more of gentaro’s weirdness which i like to see more of in my gentaro LOL

i always think about that final bop2023 encore talk where he pretended to cry bc everything was ending, but it was a just a big ol’ uso desu yo joke, much to his teammates chagrin lol. stage dice must have been still giving him a look or something because gentaro returned his gaze and did this half shrug with a 😌😏 expression that kills me tbh lmao

speaking of stage dice!!!!!!!!!!

*EXPLODES*

takizawa-san……………. takiryo…………….. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu……………………………..

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu……………………………

when ramuda got recast, it taught me the fear of my faves leaving and i begged that takiryo would never leave the role of dice lmao

his dancing??????????????? FLAWLESS

his rap?????????? FANTASTIC

his face???????? PHEW 😮‍💨

*collapses* and he’s charming too i always think about this one report i read where he and doshiro’s stage actor iirc were doing a rewatch of sorts of track two, and before it started they were playing asakusa bounce in the bg so takiryo was singing the chorus, ‘SEIYA!!!! SOIYA!!!!!! ASAKUSA!!!!!’

except he was getting the order wrong and kazuya-san had to gently correct him and takiryo fell out of his chair laughing at himself and UGH 😭💛😭💛😭💛😭💛😭💛😭💛

takiryo’s daisu absolutely put the ‘king’ in daisu lol like he was brutally cool

the way yasui-san and sakata-san tended to look towards him and occasionally acted around him like he was their leader helped drive that home too lol

stage dice was insane btw lmao i still can’t believe he said this lol

i think the stage play leaned into a young master kinda dice, to show what kind of upbringing dice came from in absence of the women’s presence in the plays. i think it’s a bit of a disservice to dice personally, but i wasn’t unwilling to see such a side of him explored lol

before fp vs mtc happened, he and byrnes-san tried to fit dice and rio’s relationship in wherever they happened to be together and i *clenches fist* thank them for that lmao

[aninounettear]

After rewatching both ATLA and TLOK recently, here's my tierlist! Completely subjective!!

I may be harsh on tlok, but it is how I felt. 10 years have passed since its completion, and I'm still disappointed in many things. At least it has a great and complex main protagonist who can face bad writing and still be great, phew... When it comes to the seasons, book 3 is the best one imo, its constancy and dynamism were great and the finale was insanely amazing! BUT I appreciate the good side of book 1 waaaaaayyyy more because it's so refreshing and captivating, but since its finale and a few other things bother me so much, it's below book 3 unfortunately. Also I liked the probending stuff and always will!!!! Book 4 was overall bad imo BUT I appreciated a few things in the beginning (the second half of the season was awful though, that's why it's that low in the ranking). And book 2 is a failure in everything... like, it's scandalous. I can't name any good thing coming from it, even the origins of the Avatar that I can't see as something connected to atla. Overall, tlok had a lot of timing and writing issues, and even with great qualities, its flaws are too big not to notice, even a decade later, and it is what it is. It brought many things to the Avatarverse, but at what cost... At least there's Korra ig.

On the other hand, atla was built beforehand and it shows. Even though there's a bunch of filler episodes in the series, they always (except great divide lmaooooo) have a connection to the main plot at some point, and that's what made them enjoyable, even though sometimes they could've just showed us an empty wall, I would've had a similar feeling of enjoyment looooool, but that's a part of the whole package I would say, and realizing most of the time that it had a bigger purpose, it's satisfying in the end. This show started almost 20 years ago and it's still so good and relevant to this day. Book 2, from Toph's appearance to the finale, is a flawless ride. Book 1 has the 3rd place because it was more childish and has lots of filler eps, but it helped build the Avatar World and it was cute too so it's still pretty good (and the finale in the North Pole is amazing). Book 3 and its finale have a special place in my heart but there were a bunch of forgettable episodes and subplots, especially for a more serious season that marks the end of the series, so that's why it's below book 2, but it's a stunning season anyway and watching it again made me emotional a bit.

In conclusion, I know tlok had a lot of issues cause it wasn't meant to be a 4-season show in the first place (that's why book 1's animation quality is out of this world btw) and that Nickelodeon tried to sabotage it by giving a high budget for the other seasons because ppl were hyped and then taking it back cause they couldn't promote it properly and gave little to no time to the staff and other stuff, but this is what has been given to us, and it's still there, so I gotta be honest with my feelings. Also, even though a lot of people worked on both shows, the episodes' writers are quite different from one to another, and the same creators being on both shows don't guarantee the same way to create and write the episodes (besides, even their own mentality can change, AND BY THE WAY IT ACTUALLY CHANGED FROM TLOK BOOK 1 TO BOOK 4). In my case, I like atla's writing team better tbh and I do think they had a huge impact on the way the story has been told.

And finally, I think that if tlok wasn't atla's sequel and had its own universe, it could've been a better show. Here I said it. Atla feels like a brake on tlok at some point.

I won't go deep into shipping, animation studios, plots, villains, etc in this review cause it can be too long and pointless. I suppose everything I said above is more than enough.

[emeraldhazeart]

When you see this, post 5 songs you actually listen to and tag 10 of your favourite followers/mutuals!

Thank you for the tag, @durotoswrites. 💕

I've got a bit of an eclectic taste in music, tbh. I like songs that elicit an emotional response in me, so I don't tend to follow just one genre.

Strangers by Scratch21 ft. ElieMonty

This song is honestly just so beautiful and heartfelt. If you've ever watched MLP AMVs, you might recognise it, but this is the original. The heartbreak and longing comes through so strongly, not just in the lyrics, but also in the incredible vocals by Blake Swift and Eile Monty.

Without Words by the Spectra 2014 Singers

Major content warning: this is a song about mourning a beloved pet. If you're not in a good place to listen to this kind of song, skip this one!

Anytime I feel like I need a good cry, I'll put this song on. I love the fact that there are people out there who miss the animals that touched their lives so much that they wanted to write a song for them. If you want to purchase the song, it's still available on bandcamp.

Alan Walker's Faded cover by Madilyn Bailey

Yeah, I actually prefer this version to the original. While the OG song is very much a club mix, this version takes those beautiful lyrics and melody and turns them into a heartbreaking ballad. Bailey's voice is just so powerful and emotive.

Megan Trainor ft. John Legend's Like I'm Gonna Lose You cover by Jasmine Thompson

Another cover. While the original feels more romantic, this version is more mournful and melancholy, like it's the minor key version that would play after an especially sad scene in a film.

I couldn't choose between these last two, so you're getting both of them 😅

Linkin Park's In The End (Mellen Gi remix) cover by Tommee Profitt, Mellen Gi & Fleurie

The original song is unparalleled, and nothing will ever replace Chester Bennington's incredible vocals or the band's instruments. But this version is intentionally more cinematic, and there's something so haunting about Fleurie's voice singing just Chester's supplementary lines.

Linkin Park's Numb cover by Violet Orlandi

Yep, another Linkin Park cover. I am an old school LP fan, and proud of it.

This is a similarly haunting rendition of the original hard rock version. I actually stumbled across this while watching an episode of 60 Minutes Australia on YT, and it left such an impression that I went into the comments and found the artist so I could listen to the full version. Orlandi's vocals are gorgeous, and it reminded me why I love the original so much.

Phew. That is nowhere near all the songs I could recommend, but I've already stretched the prompt 😅

No pressure tags : @sneakyfox55 @hannahcbrown @acustardduckling @lizzie-tempest @dedtoot @mahoushaymie @mageofcolors and anyone else that would like to join in 😉

[pedrospatch]

Just finished reading 'Baile con mi ex' and ohmygod- Javier has me so down bad for him.

I really loved your Javier. I love how inexperienced he is when it comes to relationships, being a bit possessive (which I think he would be) and just how fast he jumped into conclusions. My boy never felt true love for someone, he only knows how to love pussy- so it makes a lot of sense for him to be trigger so easily.

I loved this angst with Javi. When I read "He definitely fucked up" I was already thinking he cheated on her (bad on me, i gotta trust him JWJS) or something i literally scream "malparido" so loud. I thought my sis was gonna walk on me freaking out at my phone 😓 and then it came the emotional part, his point of view, I melted so fast. My soft spot for emotional grumpy men was consuming my heart, just like reader i forgave him, no futher questions. That man has my whole heart, he can do whatever he wants 🤠💗

I love it so much, your Javi definitely won my heart tonight 💗💗

Okay, enough of me vomiting my feelings about your great fic. I hope you have a good night/day, you made my night with this fic, now I can sleep giggling about Javi 😌💗

Btw I loved the song! I need to get back to listening to Becky, i swear her music keeps getting better and better-

AH isn’t it such a good song?! And I LOVE the message behind it although now it kind of stings when I listen to after what Becky’s POS boyfriend/fiancé (hopefully now EX because from what I saw she hasn’t been wearing her ring) did to her 💔 she’s a queen and deserves the world

I MEAN LOOK AT HER 🥵

okay sorry moving on

I’m so glad you looked my Javi because PHEW that is one intimidating man to try to write!

loved this angst with Javi. When I read "He definitely fucked up" I was already thinking he cheated on her

tbh I ALMOST went that route and this fic was not going to have a happy ending and then I was like you know what let’s save that amount of angst for a rainy day lmao

thank you so much for reading bb! 🩷🫶🏼

[mikavlcs]

Here's part 2 of my comment.

Okay now I am ready to throw hands with Wednesday. She would 100% beat my ass but she deserves it for hurting R and being so complicated.

Bitch seriously?? You wish to know what upset her? IT'S YOU YOU IDIOT. You going to the dance with Tyler after ignoring R! Wednesday can be very very dumb. And frustrating. Yet we still love her. But only if she fixes her mistakes!

Ugh, Xavier. Go away. No one likes you.

Omg, Thing with a bow tie!! How adorable is that!?

Lol, Thing please trip people! That really is hilarious. I love Wednesdays kind of humor. Her and I definitely share that.

Oh NOW you realize you made a mistake?? Wednesday girl, I guess it's better late than never but come on. You're way smarter than this.

Eliminating a problem?? Giiiirl R is not a problem! If you can't handle your feelings then get a grip and learn how to deal with them. Wednesday has to qualms with hurting people and in general she's just a very self serving person, which we all know and love, but sooner or later she will realize that her egotistical actions have negative consequences. It's totally understandable that Wednesday has problems with dealing with her emotions cause she doesn't really have any experience in that matter. Sje is in general a very logic and straightforward person. Obviously it's frustrating to see how she is handling everything but honestly it's so spot on for Wednesday and she just needs the time to realize completely what she is feeling and how her actions are affecting others around her. It's a learning process for her that is just like canon with Enid and her moving out.

Ha, Thing is having the time of his life. I love to see it!

Tyler shut up already. You're incredibly stupid if you think Wednesday is even remotely interested in spending time with you. What an idiot.

Go Wednesday, now is your chance! Go after R!

HA TAKE THAT FUCK FACE! Wednesday didn't even let him finish talking 😂

Oh my heart. All this time R thought it was her fault, that she isn't worth it anymore. How sad is that. Wednesday, the fight is back on. I will beat your ass for hurting R like this!

Wednesday it's your turn now to reach out and mend Rs broken heart. Go on!

Finally! Wednesday admitted her feelings.

Aww, look at Wednesday initiating physical contact and her first form of cuddling. Very endearing!

Phew, what a wild ride that was. I went from hating Wednesday, to sympathizing with her and understanding her, to being angry again and now back to loving her.

Your writing really is incredibly, I especially love how you incorporate these metaphors so flawlessly and through that make your stories so vivid and beautiful. Not to mention how well you capture Wednesdays complicated characterization. It really is so spot on and true to the show!

That may even be one of my favorite stories of yours!

gonna put this under a cut again because it'll probably be kinda long<3

Okay now I am ready to throw hands with Wednesday. She would 100% beat my ass but she deserves it for hurting R and being so complicated.

so true tbh

Ugh, Xavier. Go away. No one likes you.

exactly!!! this energy >>>

Omg, Thing with a bow tie!! How adorable is that!?

right??? idk if that actually happened in the show (i will be rewatching soon) but if it didn't, it absolutely should have 🤚‼️

Eliminating a problem?? Giiiirl R is not a problem! If you can't handle your feelings then get a grip and learn how to deal with them. Wednesday has to qualms with hurting people and in general she's just a very self serving person, which we all know and love, but sooner or later she will realize that her egotistical actions have negative consequences. It's totally understandable that Wednesday has problems with dealing with her emotions cause she doesn't really have any experience in that matter. Sje is in general a very logic and straightforward person. Obviously it's frustrating to see how she is handling everything but honestly it's so spot on for Wednesday and she just needs the time to realize completely what she is feeling and how her actions are affecting others around her. It's a learning process for her that is just like canon with Enid and her moving out.

yeah this is what i was talking about. she really has to be bonked on the head with consequences to realize what she did wrong and why it was wrong. which i wanted to communicate some here.

like morticia was 100% spot on when she said that wednesday was, in a lot of ways, her own biggest enemy (at least when it comes to this stuff). her being so set in her ways would have catastrophic consequences at some point, like when enid moved out in episode 6 (or 7?...)

(i was tempted to make this one have an unhappy ending as well but...getting through 8k words just have an unhappy ending for this story would've been unsatisfying for both me and you guys lol)

HA TAKE THAT FUCK FACE! Wednesday didn't even let him finish talking 😂

honestly, this only happened because i was making an effort to keep it more gender neutral, but it was also just really funny

Aww, look at Wednesday initiating physical contact and her first form of cuddling. Very endearing!

hope it wasn't disappointing lol. like this one of my more slow-paced stories because i was trying to keep her at least kinda in character but at the same time...over 13k words combined for just that is a little funny. hope it was still enjoyable<3

Your writing really is incredibly, I especially love how you incorporate these metaphors so flawlessly and through that make your stories so vivid and beautiful. Not to mention how well you capture Wednesdays complicated characterization. It really is so spot on and true to the show!

That may even be one of my favorite stories of yours!

SJKHFDSJ thank youuu<33 i actually tried a bit harder with the metaphors here (especially the overarching one) so as long as they make sense, that's what matters!

and i'm happy wednesday mostly feels in character here. trying to write her well while also balancing the romance aspect is always a bit of a challenge. and looking at the length...there was obviously a lot to cover, so i'm glad it worked and i'm really happy that you enjoyed it 💞

this is definitely one of my favorite stories of the ones i've written but, i also don't particularly like most of the ones i've written so idk how much my opinion really matters lol-

these messages made my afternoon. work is boring the hell out of me so getting to take a few minutes to reply to these was really fun<3 thank you so much 😭

[starrjournals]

currently feeling sad but that’s okay bc i know this too shall pass. i will not always be stuck in my sadness, i will not always be stuck, i will move on from this. feeling very called to simply feel it and work through it. why am i sad rn? not sure but it could be me worrying abt my future, my next steps, my next move. also knowing that my dad is worrying about me bc my sister told me he was asking her questions abt me and she said idk. i don’t want to worry my dad at all. i want him to know that i will be okay and i’m going to be better. i know he worries bc i quit my job and don’t have any money currently but i know i will be fine. am i also worried? of course i am. i don’t know what life’s next steps are for me but i do know i have to make a choice. what will i choose? honestamente no se. estoy preocupada bc no se que quiero ser pero yo sé que no tengo que estar con sola una cosa y que no tengo que decidirme en una cosa por el resto de mi vida. yo puedo cambiar de lo que yo estoy haciendo cuando yo quiera porque es mi vida. i feel so much better writing that in spanish like fr. might have to do some more blog posts in spanish tbh. let out a deep breath cos phew 😮‍💨. but yea. i can’t let my emotions take control of me they are just passing through and it’s natural for me to feel sad sometimes. eso pasa. but i know i’ll be okay because i am sitting with these emotions and releasing them. i love you and appreciate you.

[megistusdiary]

I’m not sure if you’ve written for Xiao yet… but I’m always curious of how people interpret his.. libido to say the least, considering he’s an adeptus and doesn’t feel emotion the same way humans do.

Maybe a shy Xiao were he’s not really sure HOW to ask reader to sleep with him so he tries to give “subtle” hint but they really aren’t as subtle as he thinks.

BTW I love your writing ahhhh

(Can I claim an emoji.. idk how that works tbh I never leave asks so if I can… could I be like, 🥀 anon?? Thanks!!! 💜)

hi there! of course you can be 🥀 anon, welcome to my page :D i'm also very happy you like my writing ♡♡♡ tysm for reading

also i have actually only written two pieces for xiao which are as follows:

1) jealous dom xiao

2) consensual somno with dom xiao

i like to think that xiao doesn't know much about sex except that when done between a male and female, you can create another human sometimes

he doesn't really understand the love-making part of intercourse, so i have an idea of who he would try to ask lol

honestly this has a lot of plot. i have been writing so much these past few days, phew! when i have the time, i am a writing machine haha

warnings: switch!xiao and switch!fem anatomy/pronouns reader

nervous xiao, handjob (xiao receiving), lots of touching/making out lol, first-time sex for both of you :) , lube, fingering/penetration (reader receiving), soft ♡, kissing, baizhu is here but just as a side character because i ♡ him

the leather-bound book sat heavy on your desk in xiao's memory, unable to remove itself from his thoughts.

slightly worn around the edges and held closely to your face while you read it, lips thoroughly bitten. you seemed to think you were so sly when you hid that book behind you whenever he mentioned it.

so it was unusual that he had found it on your desk, for once unguarded by your form. xiao innocently opened the unlabeled cover to see what you had been reading so intently this week.

barely a few sentences in to the page, he immediately realized this was some type of erotic book. he was unfamiliar with some of these terms, purely from a lack of knowledge of human intimacies.

when he finally reached the end of the page, he snapped out of his trance, slamming the book shut with so much force it scattered the pages of your report to the floor.

never had the yaksha been more thoroughly embarrassed, cheeks stained red as he clutched his head.

he knew humans were odd, but he had never seen such a crude book. he never pegged you for the type to be interested in such things. how could one want to read about the act of producing a child?

odd.

perhaps that's how xiao ended up seeking out a personal consultation with the popular pharmacist from bubu pharmacy.

as uncomfortable as it was, the doctor was happy to make his acquaintance, keeping an even-toned expression when he welcomed the yaksha in after hours.

"i understand these concepts might be unfamiliar to you, though i mean no disrespect. these types of things are different from public displays of affection, and they aren't so easily written in literature."

xiao begged to differ based upon that book you left out so haphazardly on your desk for anyone to see.

he allowed the doctor to explain things in the most scientific way possible, trying to remain calm and collected until the yaksha suddenly held up a hand to stop him.

"i...appreciate your effort, but i already understand the act of procreation. i just don't..comprehend why humans seem to enjoy it so much."

baizhu paused, determining the best way to answer the question before he finally understood why xiao really wanted to see him. "i see. you're asking about why lovers like it so much." baizhu barely stifled a chuckle. "to be honest, it's been a while since i have done that myself, but it isn't so much about the act itself."

"how so?"

"it's about being vulnerable with someone. allowing them to see all of you while you see all of them. it's hard to let ourselves be open with everyone, especially if we have a particularly traumatic past. it can lead to becoming guarded." xiao frowned at this. "but, when you're with someone special, a normally uncomfortable situation becomes tender. intercourse becomes love-making." baizhu scratched the back of his neck, wondering if any of this was even sticking. "ah, i'm sorry if-"

xiao abruptly stood, silencing the doctor. "no need to apologize. i understand now. thank you for your time, doctor."

"oh, before you go-" baizhu stood up slower than xiao, reaching behind the counter to collect a small brown bag. "it might not be my place, but i always see mr. zhongli from the wangsheng funeral parlor here collecting peculiarly strong medicine for someone in liyue. it might be presumptuous of me, but, here." he held the bag out towards xiao. "it'll save mr. zhongli a trip here."

xiao gingerly took the bag, holding it in one palm before practically vanishing before baizhu's eyes. the pharmacist smiled to himself, shaking his head before locking up the pharmacy doors and heading home.

it had been a few days since then, and after continuous thinking, he finally decided it was the right time to ask you to do this with him.

you seemed to thoroughly enjoy that book, so surely, it would be even better to experience the real thing, no?

although, xiao had no idea how to bring this to your attention without sounding crude. why was he so nervous about something so simple? he was a yaksha. why were trivial human matters frightening to him?

when you finally came home that evening, you were surprised to see xiao waiting for you, standing in the doorway at attention, watching you almost drop your bag.

"oh, xiao-" you held a hand over your heart, laughing to yourself. "you scared me a little there."

you walked past him, opting to unpack your bag as xiao focused his steel gaze upon your form. "i don't know if you're hungry or not, but i brought your favorite." you turned, holding the container of almond tofu with a big grin.

you expected to see the usual hint of a smile on his own lips, though he seemed to remain neutral as you frowned slightly. "hey, is something wrong?" you started to feel concerned, worried you had upset the yaksha.

xiao clenched his fists as he huffed. "it's nothing. i appreciate the gesture."

you deflated a bit, causing xiao to feel that slight burn in his chest. guilt, he assumed. "alright, sure. i'll leave it here for you." you set the container back on the counter, rubbing your eyes as you put the rest of your things away.

xiao could take it no longer, wishing desperately to get this idea out of his head. "i read your book." he softly blurted out as you slowly turned towards him on your heels.

"what book-"

"the book."

"oh..." you fell silent, face feeling hot as you coughed. "well, i am, uh, sorry for traumatizing you with that, so...yeah." you averted your eyes, screaming at yourself inside your head. how could you forget to put that book back under your pillow? xiao was definitely going to disappear forever now. well done.

"do you want to try...that."

your eyes practically popped out from your skull, covering your mouth. "try what now?"

"intercourse. with- me."

xiao's face was as red as a tomato as you stared at him shocked. "i knew this was a foolish idea, i apologize for offending you. this is an insult to-"

"no!" you yelled out, moving your hands to his shoulders. "no, no, no you're misunderstanding!" you shook your head. "xiao, do you really mean it? you'd try it? with me?"

xiao nodded once, surprised by your overdramatic reaction. was it really as good as baizhu explained it to be?

he also wondered if his karmic debt would weigh too heavily on you for a moment before you gasped, shaking his shoulders with your excited gestures.

"oh, xiao, i...i wanted to ask you for a really long time. i just- i thought you'd never want to. and i never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable." you explained as xiao finally understood.

so you did want to create a child with him? to be honest, he wasn't quite sure if it was even possible, though he had heard stories of half adeptus children in liyue, namely that very popular lawyer woman.

"i'm willing to try." xiao nodded. he allowed you to excitedly lead him to the bedroom, stumbling over your own feet as you pulled him to the bed.

"there's really no need to be nervous." you told him sweetly, cradling his face between your palms as he willed himself to relax.

you were correct, and he hated to admit that a human was more wise than him.

you slowly leaned forward. "is this okay?" you questioned, noses nearly touching as he nodded, staying still and allowing you to approach him. you carefully pressed your lips to his, rubbing your thumbs across his cheekbones as you smiled into his mouth.

xiao's eyes fluttered shut as he allowed you to guide him, keeping his hands at his sides, awkwardly clutching at the blankets. you gently pulled away, feeling him lean forward to chase your lips before catching himself and opening his eyes.

you reached towards his hands now, holding them gently and placing them on your waist as you climbed into his lap. "there, that's better." you commented, kissing him deeper, swiping your tongue across the seam of his lips.

shockingly, xiao seemed to understand this gesture, parting his lips and allowing you to slide your tongue into his mouth. he seemed to find this sensation odd, gripping your hips a little tighter when you shifted against him.

he felt warm when you moved over his hips, pressing your weight down onto him as he groaned, feeling the strange sensations.

you smirked, grinding down against him as he leaned away, panting with spit-slicked lips as you held onto his shoulders tighter. "does that feel good?" you asked as his eyes closed once more, eyebrows furrowing. you giggled a little before stopping, hips growing tired before you suddenly let out a soft moan when xiao started moving your hips for you.

it was easy to forget his inhuman strength when he looked so soft. his grip was tight as he moved you at his leisure, inexperienced yet curious.

"have you- done this before?" you asked him, feeling warmth building in your core as xiao shook his head.

"never." he answered before pulling you against him once more, trembling a bit. "have you?" from the way you spoke and read it so freely, he was shocked to see you shyly shake your head.

"no...i was waiting for the right person." you admitted sheepishly. "i wanted it to be special." you smiled up at him, kissing his cheek.

xiao realized you were talking about him, making it feel like he had crystalflies in his stomach.

"here, i want to try something." you moved off his lap, opting to tug at the waistband of his pants. "we both take off some clothes so it isn't as awkward, okay?"

xiao was perplexed when he watched you shyly pull of your jacket. "i assumed it was normal to strip during this act. is it not natural?"

"huh?"

"being nude. why would you be uncomfortable with the idea?"

you paused, mouth opening and closing as you tried to think of an excuse. in that time, xiao took it upon himself to fully strip. "i have no shame in this form. i took it many years ago in honor of my savior. it is something of pride and loyalty. your form is to be respected." xiao reminded you as your eyes widened.

"well...okay." you took a deep breath, removing the rest of your clothing to match xiao as he carefully folded the fabric, placing it on the chair near the bed. "come here." you gestured as he moved towards you. "lean against the headboard."

xiao did as you commanded, feeling your gaze burn against his skin when you trailed your eyes down his body. you stopped just above his groin, feeling embarrassed as you leaned forward.

"oh! i almost forgot, i actually had something, well uh...just in case." you laughed nervously, reaching over to your nightstand, pulling out a small bottle of liquid.

"what is that?"

"it's supposed to make it easier by making your skin more slippery." you explained, uncapping the bottle to pour some on your fingers. "it'll feel much better with this. or so i've heard."

"from who?"

"...sources."

you ignored xiao's huff, carefully tracing a finger along his shaft as his hips jumped. "sensitive." you smiled, feeling his thighs go tense as you swirled your finger around the tip, playing with the slit as his cock slowly grew harder, leaning up against his stomach.

you moved your hand around him, carefully stroking in a gentle motion as he let out a groan from the slick sounds of your hand on his skin. "it...feels good, but strange-" xiao's hands clenched on the sheets as you moved your hand up and down, using the other hand to play with his heavy balls as he gasped.

as expected, he didn't last long, reaching his first orgasm quickly, coming all over your hand and his stomach, feeling sticky on your fingers as you gently eased him through his orgasm. he relaxed against the headboard, watching as you smiled to yourself.

the expression slowly faded when you realized he was still hard...?

"what- xiao, that's...weird? that's not supposed to happen."

xiao looked perplexed. "i thought humans are capable of enduring multiple orgasms."

"i mean, yeah, with breaks- they don't just keep going-" xiao cut you off by pulling you towards him, pressing your body to his.

"what do i do to return this favor?"

"well, i guess the equivalent would be fingering me? i'm not really sure about that though because-!" xiao reached his hand down to press against your wet cunt, feeling your hips jump against his touch. "xiao, hold on, i'm sensitive-"

he pressed his free hand against your fingers, collecting the leftover lube to press against your cunt, rolling his fingers over the skin messily. "xiao, there's a specific way to do it." your cheeks burned. "i'll show you." with one hand, you gripped his shoulder, the other reaching down to wrap around his wrist, feeling around for your clit until you positioned his finger pads just right.

"oh- there." you sighed, moving his fingers in circles as you moved your hips to match the motion.

"is this...adequate?"

"very," you laughed breathlessly. "but, i need you to do something else for me too."

"anything."

"before we try to put your...you know in me, i need to be, how should i say this, stretched out? they say it really hurts the first time...and i guess i'm just a little nervous because-"

"i promise i won't let anything hurt you." you were taken aback by xiao's sudden oath, looking deep into your eyes as your lips parted. "tell me what i need to do."

you carefully moved his hand down towards your hole, allowing him to feel for himself. "here?" he asked.

"yeah, just press in but be gentle, please." you whimpered as he dipped the tip of his index finger in, gently pushing as you shifted uncomfortably. "feels weird."

xiao stayed silent, eyebrows furrowed by the strange texture around his finger. it was tight, yet soft, wet, and warm as you sucked the digit in. he stuck another next to it, feeling you grip his shoulder tightly, hand falling from his wrist as you dug your nails into his bicep. "archons-"

he continued to push the digits in and out, sometimes moving his fingers a bit. he recalled baizhu explaining some of this. he called it 'fingering' or something along the lines. a fitting name indeed.

eventually you stopped him, gesturing for him to remove his fingers as he frowned. "is something wrong?"

"no, no, i just- i think i'm ready." you took a deep breath as he nodded.

he positioned his tip at your entrance, watching you worry your lip between your teeth as you felt it slowly enter you, tensing your body as he hissed.

"don't do that-" he groaned, grabbing your hips. "relax your muscles, it's too...tight."

you tried to relax, eyes tearing up slightly. it was not as excruciating as you expected, though the stretch did burn, and once you finally got through the hard part, xiao paused.

he allowed you to lean on him, taking shallow breaths as he smoothed a hand down your back. baizhu told him to be patient. he explained you would need time to adjust, that it could be painful taking something in your body this way.

xiao was glad he listened, finally feeling your heartbeat slow as he gently soothed you, albeit stiffly.

"are you okay?" he asked, feeling you nod against his shoulder. he carefully moved his hips experimentally, feeling you clutch your arms around his neck for stability, still pressed to his chest as he hummed, picking up the pace gradually.

you allowed him to buck into you at different angles, feeling him shiver as you kissed at his neck, humming into his skin.

"ah-" you suddenly arched when he hit your g-spot unexpectedly, eyes closing as xiao looked concerned. "that was- good, that was a good spot and-"

he pressed into it again, maintaining the angle of his hips as you trembled. "no, no, i'm gonna come if you keep doing that, xiao." you panicked, though he paid no mind, hearing going static as he continued to fuck up into you. "xiao-" you whined as he held you close to him.

he felt your soft breaths on his skin, hair tickling his neck as you suddenly jolted. "oh- i'm close, i'm really close, xiao, xiao-" you moaned lowly, desperately holding back.

"why are you afraid to experience orgasm?" xiao asked, breaking you from your stupor.

"huh?"

"why?"

"you...i need to keep up with you, xiao. if i- fuck, if i come now...you won't get to and i-"

"i don't mind." xiao admitted, focusing on the feeling of you squeezing around him. "i wanted to know what this was like. i didn't understand why humans were so fond of such things."

he reached down with a hand, sliding it down your stomach to press into your clit as you gasped. how did he remember where-

right. yaksha.

he had you trembling against him, orgasm washing over you as you went slack, leaning onto him and crying out his name as he shuddered, leaning back as you continued to squeeze him oh so tightly.

you felt blissed out as you slowly regained your senses, vision coming back to you as you smiled up at him.

your body still felt tingly, limbs numb as he slowly slid out of you. xiao could tell you were out of it, eyes hazy as he leaned down to kiss your head tenderly.

perhaps human intimacies weren't all completely useless.

[dykeomania]

.   .   .   homegirl.

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭: just saw ur post and welcome to tumblr lol :)) can i request an ellie x reader where they both confess that they love each other? i mean they were best friends at first and there will be a lot of gay panic and embarrasment lmaooo before they confess, just a huge fluff

𝐚/𝐧: babe wake up thelastoflesbians posted their first fic. anywayssss kinda nervous uhhh mixed emotions about this but for the most part i’m pretty like... i’m ?! satisfied. took me about a month to write because i literally could not figure out for the life of me what i wanted to do with this fic, but it’s finally done and i actually kind of enjoy how it turned out all things considered, so. i hope that u enjoy it!!!!!! ummmmmm!!!! first time actually writing like a fluffy moment, my smut is usually a lot more physically descriptive for . obvious . Reasons but yeah ok phew ok um yes read it and tell me if you like it (please im like actually shitting)

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: fluff. fluff fluff fluff is the big thing here; lots of gay yearning and longing and “girlfriend or girl that’s a friend” type of vibe. implied smut (it’s implied/explicitly stated that you and ellie have hooked up but there’s no actual smut), cussing, drug use (weed), you and ellie being ridiculously awkward for like 500+ words it’s actually ridiculous. little bit of sexual tension tbh. bad extended metaphors (i used to write poetry and it shows in my fic writing leave me alone). i proofread this three times but i’m also blind so some shit may sound weird 

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 4.2k.. slay

.   .   .   .   

there are some people who you would do mostly anything for. maria, who took you in. tommy, who has been nothing but kind to you. other friends, other family. and then there’s ellie.

girlhood came quick – unsightly and unprecedented -– and when ellie made the sound, sworn pact of best-friendship with you at the age of sixteen, you weren’t expecting it to become so serious. a bond originally mended from a mutual interest in comic books and backpack pins and video games and of each other’s faces – it felt only casual, like something that would age with time. but you made homes out of each other. at first it was just mere occupancy. i really like being around you. and then it was work. it was snipping through each other’s secrets and traumas, and patching all the holes punched in the walls. it was slow dancing under a roof far from perfected, and dampening each other’s shoulders in the gentle glow of fairy lights. it was stitching each other’s wounds, giving stories to each other’s scars. it was laying beside each other in an unmade bed. and there, under canopies of sheets and sighs, it was teaching each other how to kiss, how to give back. how to do it for yourselves, but most importantly, how to do it together.

when ellie looked you in the face and told you “i would do anything for you,” you were terrified because you knew that she meant it, but you squeezed her hand because you meant it tenfold.

you said, “i adore you.”

she said, “i love you,”

and then you woke up.

.   .   .   .

it was the day after ellie’s nineteenth birthday.

the breeze kisses down the sweat-lined trail of your spine cord and the shudder it ushers from you is like a push, headfirst, into all of your senses. you wince and your hands scrunch at the sheets, and it’s sudden, but you almost immediately still. you are awake enough to realize that these sheets – as damp as they are – are not yours. this mattress is too firm. this room is too dark. at first panic comes quick, not barraging per se, but tying your stomach in a knot that renders you uneasy. you investigate -- slightly frantic -- hands searching for just about anything until someone shuffles beside you, and you still. your eyes squint at the back of an auburn bun and a feeling begins to settle in your stomach.

this is ellie’s room.

beside you, ellie is asleep. the trailed spotted canyon separates both ends of her back, and it’s on full display to you.

she was presumably naked.

and so were you.

.   .   .   .   

you didn’t talk to her after, but you couldn’t avoid her forever.

hell took the form of a cafeteria serving line where she stood beside you, staring at your neck in a manner you had to fight not to give attention to. and you knew it was cruel, but honestly, you didn’t know what to say. voice your shock at her not talking to you sooner? showing that you cared in this instance felt forbidden. like it would be a dead giveaway, of which you wouldn’t be able to afford, as remarkably stupid as that was.

apparently, you weren’t trying hard enough, since you could see that ellie was trying to do the same as you, and yet failing miserably. her eyes scanned the side of your face; waiting. longing – for anything, really. for a second, you couldn’t see her and that was when she gained the most courage. ellie’s eyes scaled the ground as she refilled her lungs, and then she tried, throwing herself into the pool of sharks with a single step in your general direction, “hey.”

your head whips around, but something falling along the line of shock backs your voice. “hi..?”

“i haven’t uh, i haven’t seen you. like at all.” “yeah.” you nodded, “yeah, i’m sorry i’ve just – i’ve just been busy lately–”

“no it’s totally fine, i get it, i was just – y’know, i was just wondering where you .. were.” ellie nearly burns herself trying to spoon mashed potatoes onto her plate. it’s not exactly one of those things that you can’t make obvious. she wanted to die.

be cool, be cool you tell yourself. “i mean.. it’s only been a week.” you roll your eyes with some effort of a laugh, but holy shit, you probably looked so stupid. you immediately rushed to compensate for it. “but uh, how’ve you been?” you see ellie’s eyebrows raise as she peeks at you. small talk? she thought. unironically? fucking, seriously? “uh..” a breathy chuckle left her lips. “i’m.. okay. you?”

“yeah, i’m fine. i’ve just been–” “busy, huh.” “yeah, yeah.. well you just, said it for me, so.” you begun counting the ways in which you could conveniently die in this moment. there were none that you could think of. you wanted to slide down a wall.

as the end of the line grew near, you couldn’t tell what emotions were bubbling in your stomach. a desire to run was obvious, but something about leaving the conversation unfinished left it curdling. your heart pounded against your ribs, and you swallowed every urge that you had not to look at her. but that didn’t stop you from slowing down, from putting the tiniest spoonfuls of broccoli on your plate, just in case. maybe if she, perhaps, if it wouldn’t be a bother… please. please just talk to me.

“hey, so, remember uh, a couple nights ago–” ellie spoke and you, briefly, felt your stomach drop into your ass and your innards beginning to protrude through every hole on your body, until she finished her sentence “--when we were talking about like.. i don’t know, weed. and you said you’d never smoked and like, you wanted to. well dina and i just got a bunch and i can’t really smoke it all on my own, so like.. i was wondering like, if maybe you wanted to... come over later…” ellie’s throat was pulsing in the base of her chest, begging, literally pleading for you to say yes. dying. on its knees. please for the love of fucking christ–

there are some people who you would do anything for, and then there’s ellie. ellie, who would give her rib for your wellbeing, and expect nothing in return. ellie, who is your best friend. ellie, who you hooked up with. ellie, who you have kissed. ellie, who is the only one in notable existence who you would have done either of those things with. ellie, who at the end of the day regardless of how hard you try to hide it, you have missed amidst all of your confusion, and who you just want to be around.

“uh.. yeah. sure, why not?”

it didn’t seem like ellie was expecting you to say yes, let alone say yes so casually. nevertheless something treading a line of relief and acceptance crossed her face, one that she had to blink away in order to remind herself that she was standing in front of you, and to say something. “yeah,” she started, lips beginning to upturn into a small smile. “well, cool.”

“i’ll see you at.. nine?” you nodded and ellie lifted her tray and walked around you to sit with jesse. when she peered over her shoulder to look back at you for a moment, you met each other’s gazes.

she offered you a small smile. you gave her one back in return.

how genuine of you.

.   .   .   .   

“you’re not gonna cough – look, i’m gonna light it. and then you’re gonna inhale and you’re gonna hold it. and just let it go when i tell you to. yeah?”

“m’literally gonna pass out–”

“you’re fine. just trust me, you got it.” ellie’s thumb rolls back and the lighter sparks. the flame licks the buds of the freshly packed bowl stationed between your lips and you try to convince yourself that that is what stills you. nothing at all to do with how ellie is so close to you that her bated breaths just barely skim your jaw. for a moment, you met eyes. despite your previous interactions, you never saw ellie as a person who stares. when she did she would stare through you, too spaced out to notice and too abashed if you’d ever brought it up to her. tonight was different because ellie was staring directly into you.

it all was hard not to focus on - the way she was looking at you, timid but daring, as if her excitement could be explained by something other than watching her best friend take her first hit. the way she was leaned over, supported one arm as though she was going to kiss you, or maybe the position was just too fucking familiar. god knows how long you looked at each other. your mind abandoned the instructions she gave you.

inhale…

you blinked, quickly averting your gaze as you filled your lungs with smoke. your eyes glued themselves to the bowl, while ellie’s eyes alternated between watching the embers and watching you. she took her bottom lip between her teeth to contain her smirk, voice falling alongside the sound of the soft crackles and your lungs expanding. “there you go. nice and easy…”

for a second you thought you had it. your exhale begun slow and cautious, and you didn’t know if you were doing this correctly but you at least knew that you were still doing it. that was until ellie looked at you again. it was the smirk, and the tinge in her cheeks. it was every freckle and the lines of sleep deprivation and stress settled under her eyes, backlit by lamplight. your breathing tripped, and your coughs stumbled out. hard. harder than you were prepared for. you caught the sound of ellie laughing underneath them before she rose from the couch, and the sound of the faucet running followed shortly thereafter.

“oh my god,” you rasped, swallowing down what you’d hoped would be the last of your coughs. it wasn’t. you wanted to die, and for a minute, you actually thought you were going to.

“it’s okay. it happens,” ellie grinned, handing you a cup of water your way which you hastily accepted. embarrassment laughed loudly at you in the back of your mind, for you’ve made yourself look astronomically stupid in front of ellie on numerous occasions and it wasn’t exactly like any of them had mattered prior to this. this one seemed to matter a little more though. “that’s – that’s really strong,” you tried to play it off, hoarse and partially alive. “you said i wouldn’t cough,” you frowned.

“i never said that.” “you lied to me.” “oh so, i’m a liar now?” “yes! what the fuck, that’s exactly what you are.” you laughed. ellie plopped down on the couch and took the bowl from your hand, a shiteating grin never leaving her face. “it’s okay, it’s fine. you’re fine.” she took her lighter, flushing slightly. “that was fine. you did good. i’m proud of you.”

her words made your suffering more worthwhile than you’d like to admit. good. i’m proud of you. a self-satisfied smile twitched onto your lips accompanied by the warmth in your cheeks. you caught yourself rolling your eyes and tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as the sound of ellie’s lighter flickered once more, only the bowl had been brought to her lips. you brought your knees up to your chest as you watched her. she withdrew the smoke slow between her lips and exhaled the cloud before her with ease. it was you, this time, whose teeth found their bottom lips. suddenly you understood the appeal of watching. maybe because it just wasn’t you who was doing the smoking. or maybe, more accurately, because it was ellie.

your eyes scan her for longer than you intended to, flickering between the bowl and her eyes. you have to literally force them away, now feeling the need to fill in the silence. “how long does it take to hit?” you tilted your head. “like, usually?”

ellie took a second to think, frowning in thought for a second before resorting to shaking her head. “not that long.” she rasped, going in for another hit. “but it gets stronger the more you do it. it’s not like edibles, or anything.” you slowly nodded, mumbling an “ah” under your breath at ellie’s advice.

“you get better with practice. you did better than me my first time, i remember when i first smoked with kat.. oh my god. i was like.. dying on her floor.” ellie snorted, and your eyes fell slightly. kat and dina weren’t necessarily sensitive topics, or at least for the sake of showing that you didn’t care, you convinced yourself that they weren’t. but part of you liked to think that ellie knew. because honestly, she probably did. nonetheless, an amused exhale pushed through your nose as you thought, airing on the side of caution with your words. “i don’t really think she cared that much,” you mused and ellie scrunched up her face, offering a half-way smile in confirmation “not really, no.”

you fiddled with your fingers as your eyes lingered around the tops of your knees. the gap of silence widened between the two of you, and in the midst of waiting for you to say something, ellie looked at you, realizing that you weren’t going to. her eyes scaled you up and down, a small confused smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. “you okay?” 

you honestly hadn’t realized how quiet you’d been. you can’t tell what made you that way – the mention of kat, the fact that you are sitting across from ellie on the same couch that you and her (began) fucking on a week and a half prior– “yeah i’m just–” you ran a hand through your hair, stretching with a groan that you’d hope would act as a vessel for all of your anxieties. “i’m just uh, waiting for you to ask me if i want another hit.”

ellie’s eyebrows raised and she scoffed out a laugh. ”okay, well..” she lifted the glass bowl, pointing it towards you. “do youuu… want another hit?”

.   .   .   .   

what you liked most about ellie is how you fit beside her. how she always left room for you, but kept you close. what ellie liked most about you is that you saw all sides of her, even the ones that she herself couldn’t see, and yet you still chose to stay. her hand was fit to be undesirable - often cold, calloused and rough with the day’s remains under her fingernails no matter how hard she scrubbed them. but you didn’t flinch when she touched you. your skin brought warmth to her palms and she brought you the gift of knowing that she was there, and during these times, wanted to be nowhere else. between the sheets, conversation fell in gentle whispers. giggles were hushed as to not wake the peace between you two. it was just you two. and face to face, you were safe, tracing forcefields onto each other’s skin. she was soft yellow light. she was cluttered collectibles, and wrinkled, stained grey comforters. she was brown liquor, and the vibration of a tuned guitar against your chest. she is home; your homegirl.

ellie’s eyes were half-lidded, pulled under by both sleepiness and the influence, but she was still only looking at you. she looked at you when you were looking directly at her, foreheads bound to touch and barely a nose apart, and your breath tickled her upper lip. she looked at you when you closed your eyes and her hands were massaging your scalp, when your head bent towards the nape of her neck and she swore you could hear her heart thumping, spilling over in her chest. your hands had found the girl’s hip, thumb barely tracing patterns over the skin exposed above her boyshorts. ellie was floating, though she was still thinking, which was both a blessing a curse.

ellie spent a lot of time assessing the roles of the different people in her life. she didn’t dwell over the concept of loss, be it death or otherwise. but keeping people close to her felt like a timebomb. 

everyone who i have ever cared about has either died or left me.

she would never tell anyone but laying with you, staying with you, being with you -- as much as she loved it -- sometimes felt like a recipe for disaster. now, all things considered, she’d hate to admit that that feeling was even worse. she felt like shit. for a variety of reasons. she just didn’t want you to leave. “i don’t want you to ever go away,” ellie muttered through the silence.

you hum, nose rested in the crescent of her neck, breathing in the smell of just her; musk, deodorant, woodchips, weed. these words aren’t unfamiliar to you coming from ellie. you wanted the moment to last. you wanted to be as close to her as you could be. you wanted to hear the reason. “why?” you asked, a tiny playful smirk in your voice, evident once you lift your head to look up at her. you can’t really see her, but her breath fans over your lips. suddenly both of your bodies feel hot, like her hip is melting into your hand and your cheek into her palm. the sliver of distance between the two of you is paining, but neither of you move.

ellie bit back a small smile. her tongue stuck out briefly, passing between her lips along as a beat of silence settled between the two of you. “because,” she whispers, quieter.  “you’re like.. my best friend.” “mm.” “and i guess you’re my favorite person,” ellie’s nose bumped against yours, and you swallowed your breath. “and i would do anything for you.”

“you don’t even care about me,” you joked. your eyes locked with the girl’s before you whose had seemed to soften, like the smile on her face, but only slightly. “i’d kill for you.”

ellie is pure warmth against you. the concave of your hand presses gently into the protrusion of her hip, and you feel her lean into your grasp, edging closer, daring to do so something that best friends simply do not do. flickering between her eyes and her lips. ellie’s finger traces the curve of your jawline and you try not to shiver. it hooks, carefully, under the base of your chin, thumb massaging over its front. but it felt different this time. you needed to ask, “do you remember the night that we hooked up?”

if the lights were on, you would’ve seen all the blood fade from ellie’s face. and then you would’ve seen it rush to her cheeks again. you did see her bite the inside of her cheek, scaling your own face carefully in an effort to remain perfectly still – perfectly collected. “it kinda depends on what you’re labeling as hooking up.”

you weren’t expecting yourself to roll your eyes, or laugh for that matter. “i’m not talking about kissing, i’m not talking about heavy-petting.” you looked into her, a smile on both of your faces. “i’m talking about your birthday.”  

ellie’s heart kicks and for a second, she thinks she might have a heartattack. a beat drifts by, and she nods, “yeah.”

“and you told me that you would do anything for me?”

ellie’s brows furrowed. you could tell she was trying to joke with you, but behind her reciprocation, for the first time, it’s like you could see it in her face. “where exactly are you going with this?”

you were starting to feel a bit nervous. your palm felt clammy against her skin, despite it being perfectly dry.  “because i think you said something else, too.” ellie’s ministrations grew to a slow halt and suddenly you knew that she knew, that you knew. “and i think you said it while i was sleeping. and i wanna know if it’s true.” you felt so small under ellie’s gaze. ellie, who had not broken eye contact with you once, had barely shown any changes in her expression outside of the subtle lift in her brows. the most you got out of her was a recent, slow, thoughtful lick of her lips – the only thing she could offer as she struggled to pull herself together, desperately wanting to own up to what you’d suspected but at the same time desperately looking for escapes out of this conversation.

instead, she settled, trying not to swallow the bulge in her throat. “i don’t know, what if it is?” she tossed, cheeks warm and gaze wanting to waver, but not allowing herself to let it. as badly as she wanted to. mother of god, she was so conflicted.

your hand reaches for the back of ellie’s neck and your lips slot together in something soft, something familiar, but something so full that it makes your heart twist and turn. ellie’s hand takes your hip like it’s routine, reeling and winding as your lips slot together - slow. gentle. calculated. the answer to her question. “i wanna hear you say it,” you murmured against her lips. ellie hummed, it falling between the line of approval and disapproval. her hand was hot against your stomach – you felt like you were on fire. “i don’t want you to hate me,” ellie admitted, and it struck you dead in the chest. “i don’t know -- i’m honestly so fucking scared. i don’t wanna ruin anything. i don’t wanna lose you.”

you shook your head, frantic and eager, words bubbling out before you got a grasp on them.  “what? i could never hate you.” you hooked your finger gently under her chin, pulling her face so that it faced yours. you searched her eyes for any signs of sarcasm or anything. instead, certainty – and not the certainty in her eyes just a few moments prior. a more pessimistic kind of certainty. doubt. a hint of dread, even. “i could never. hate you.” you reaffirmed, and then you slipped; you were off the deep end, the words out your mouth before you could even control them, spiraling, spiraling, spiraling…  “i love you.”

ellie’s expression fragmented. her eyes met yours again, and something in them brightened, and then dimmed. like something had unlocked – unclicked, at the notice that maybe, just maybe, there was a little bit less to be afraid of. 

and so you said it again. “i love you.” you shook your head. “i love you..”

ellie’s train of thought is pure static. she can’t tell if she’s breathing heavier, or breathing at all, and or if she is nearly even alive for these are moments that she’d only really thought of. she can think of nothing other than you. just you, here, beneath and alongside her and loving her, and everything cracks and locks into place at the same time.

she leans down, grasping your cheek and kissing you like you’re an anchor. for the first time, neither of you hold back. it wasn’t chaste, nor careful. ellie kisses you like she’d been meaning to since you started allowing her to – deeply, with no endpoint in sight. your bodies mold, like halves slotting together, and heat envelops the two of you. it’s safe. it’s so warm. it is so perfect. when she pulls away, she is winded, having nearly given all of the life in her body to you.

“i love you,” she declares, lips ghosting against your own. your head spins as you catch her gaze through your lashes, bringing yourself to barely shake your head as you find your voice. “no you don’t..” your smile is sarcastic and suddenly both you and ellie are snickering, but she’s persistent against your lips. “i love you so much.”

“i can never win with you, huh?” ellie quipped, pushing a section of hair out of your face and you grin. “not once,” you promise.  ellie shakes her head at you. her thumb massages your cheekbone and for a second, she’s useless, now essentially smiling down at you as she shook her head.

“you’re so stupid,” ellie whispered. “and you’re never getting rid of me.” “yeah?” “yeah.” “thank god for that, i guess.” you both laugh and your lips make contact once again. it’s full of yearning and it’s deep, but this time, you take your time. ellie’s hands move slow, and time rolls over onto itself. each kiss overlaps and says something different, but as you spend the night parting each other’s thighs with your legs and breathing bliss into each other’s mouths, the same mantra gets underscored over and over again. i’ve got you, she says. and i’ve got you, you affirm.

there are other people in this world who you would die for and then there is ellie, who you would walk through shallow spikes for with no complaints because you know she would do the same for you. there is ellie who would fight hell and high water for you, and has, and will do it again and again and again, as long as it meant that you weren’t going anywhere. there is ellie, who is half of you, but more. ellie. your best friend. your girlfriend, you’d hope. your person.

your homegirl. just a girl. just a body, to which you’re a homebody.

homegirl, homegirl, homegirl.

[sapphicscholar]

Hacks 2.05 and 2.06 Thoughts

Okay I’m just gonna keep doing these posts because it gives me a chance to get my own feelings down for future fic writing and also to have a nice way to process the highs and lows. So, as always, below the cut…

Overall, I was much happier with these two episodes than I was with 4, and they brought back some of the elements I’ve been missing or seeing less of in the show recently. I was really pleasantly surprised and had a blast watching them! Thoughts ordered just by how they showed up in my recollections with two more critical points at the end, and I know I’m skipping stuff, but there was a lot jammed into these episodes!

1. Okay so I’ve been feeling pretty meh on how they’re telling and not showing us about the comedy and Deborah’s bombing (I feel like it undercuts the emotional toll I think we’re supposed to know it’s taking on Deborah), but also, I’ve been really wary of having them give us a bunch of stand up at the expense of the other plots and character development (tbh I often don’t love seeing actors do a weird approximation of what they think stand up looks like, even if I adore Jean and think she’s fabulously talented and may well have pulled it off with aplomb). BUT I really enjoyed watching the evolution of that one specific punchline through these two episodes. It was a good way both to give credence to the fact that Ava and Deborah have begun really working together again on the writing (without filming endless scenes of the workshopping) and to actually show us that the act needs work but that it’s slowly but surely improving. The work is so central to Ava and Deborah’s relationship (and what I love about them) and has long been the key to the intimacy they find with each other, so I’m hopeful at these glimpses of its return!

2. I appreciated the small nod to Ava’s ongoing grief in discussion of the movie about the kid who lives in the mall as a metaphor for losing a parent, and I really love that we see Deborah encouraging Ava to keep up her own writing. I think there’s a reason so many of us writing for the fandom include lines like that in our fics—it feels true to S1 and to a Deborah who recognizes that Ava is good and can’t/won’t be working for her forever (a form of care that’s subtle enough to feel in character while still meaning so much)

3. No thoughts. Head empty. Deborah and Ava in the pool. I’m looking like a respectfully appreciative lesbian because dammit ep. 4 erased queer female desire, so I’m at least gonna give it to them in their viewership. But in all seriousness I really love the way Ava and Deborah are both vulnerable in different ways in this pool scene. It’s them at their best—this moment where they can almost both forget about the email and the lawsuit and just feel the temporary unburdening that comes with seeing and being seen by one another.

4. The game of celebrity in episode 5 was a fun episode opener and a nice way to give us a glimpse of the depth of Deborah and Marcus’s history, showing just how much they’ve been through together. Also, goddam, I’d be hammered if I 1) still drank, and 2) was taking a shot for every time Deborah casually touched Ava

5. Ava and Marcus at the state fair! I love a good state fair (which is perhaps one of the most seemingly OOC things I could say, but state fairs and boardwalks? Yes. Fuck yes.), and I had fun with this arc! The Ava & Marcus content was beyond my hopes – the oh-so common queer experience of being mistaken for a couple being enshrined forever in a caricature? And then having that caricature be the thing to make Deborah smile genuinely after getting upstaged by a birthing cow? So good.

The mommy line? I’m… Well, let’s be honest I’d have preferred a “daddy” a la @fictorium’s fic but ya know, we’ll spell it mommi, and at least Kayla Kumari will love it

6. Deborah and the dude: phew 🔥🔥. Look, I’m whatever on Casper boy, but Deborah deserves good sex, and if she got it from him, good for her! (And, given that I did the same in my own fic in terms of Deborah finding and sleeping with a guy who’s got no idea who she is, I get what could have drawn her to him.) Also, she looks hot as hell tangled in his sheets, and I have the UTMOST faith in our marvelously talented fandom giffers to make excellent Ava/Deborah sets with them (because let’s be honest, she looks a hell of a lot happier there than she did in the season 1 scene with Marty, and they still managed to make magic with them)

7. Idk, Nina was there? Of course she’s in a MLM. I hope Ava got something out of their interactions that she needed. I’m glad Ava was able to talk about her dad with someone. I just can’t bring myself to care about Nina (a personal failing, probably due to my horrible mother-in-law, but ya know, it is what it is)

Okay a few things where I’m hoping for more or better before the season is through: 1. There are a few times where it feels like the show is grabbing low-hanging fruit with the gimmicky laughs, and I miss some of that razor-sharp precision of season 1 (though I prefer them here than in ep 4; at least I was having fun this go around instead of cringing). For instance, stuff with Kiki is starting to feel a little like later-season Kramer arcs in Seinfeld (Kiki’s a fan fave and gets brought in just to say something a little outlandish for laughs like popcorn purse or to do something ~cool~ like showing up on a motorcycle), and it’s fine in moderation (though Poppy Liu is so talented that I wish they were getting something with a little more weight to it), but with only 8 half-hour episodes I’m more apt to be critical of what’s getting cut to fit those scenes in (though again, way more of a critique of 4 than of 5 and 6, since 4 seems poised to be a bottle episode without much weight in the narrative arc vs. 5 and 6)

2. Leading to the big one: I am really disappointed about the lack of in-universe consequences for episode 4’s meltdown (and for Ava’s real lapse in sobriety if that’s something that they want us to take seriously, which I think they do given that she’s not drinking in 6 even with her mother there). I get that we see something kind of like an individual-level reckoning (lite) for Deborah in episode 6, building off the season of bombings and the interactions with Susan in episode 5. Deborah realizes that she isn’t just the person who’s been trampled on, but she’s also been the one trampling on others to get to where she is, and her act can’t only be about what’s been done to her, but also has to be her taking ownership of the harm she’s done. But the thing is…that’s just such a perfect place for there to have been even the briefest moment of realization or acknowledgment (from Deborah OR Ava) that it’s a pattern she’s still stuck in at times. We do see Deborah making clear on stage what her “feminism” looks like, and that does give the slightest nod back to ep 4, but it wasn’t enough for what I personally wanted. I didn’t really expect them to give us large-scale social media or crowd-level ramifications, but given Ava’s ongoing willingness to step in with attempts at “good progressive politics” (e.g., the line here about how Deborah shouldn’t be proud of having descended from colonizers), I don’t buy that she’s unwilling to say anything to Deborah just because of a pending lawsuit (especially not when Deborah just bought her a whole new wardrobe and taught her to float and even talked about the email’s contents without being even a little bitter about it, which, anyway those are other, longer thoughts). Basically, if they want me to buy a totally cowed Ava (which I don’t think they do want me to buy!), they can’t keep giving her the little one-off lines of chastisement and show her rekindling the relationship with Deborah. The brash Ava they built up with such delightfully messy nuance in season 1 is an Ava who talks back even when it’s a bad idea (perhaps especially then), and even an Ava who’s grown into something a little more circumspect still feels like she has a backbone, especially when it comes to Deborah (she’s never treated Deborah like one of the cool kids whose approval she desperately wants, you know?). I’m waiting til we see how this season ends before I talk more about the arc of Ava and Deborah’s relationship, though. I feel like we could be headed somewhere good!

But anyway, yeah, even with these critiques, I’m still much more pleased with episodes 5 and 6! There’s a lot I genuinely love here – honestly, I only take the time to be disappointed in a show and critique it when it’s good enough to be something I love, ya know? Anyway, til next week! And as always, love hearing everyone’s thoughts in the tag or if anyone wants to chat!

[ff-imagines]

oh my gosh i love your writing so much, especially your pure!MA headcanons;; could i request bloody mary with a pure!ma headcanons...? if it's not too much trouble, of course;;

• Oh phew Mary would have a blast with this one

• there is nothing he loves more than folk who are easy to mold in his palm, it makes his…. Hobby for blood easier to slip by you.

• he may accidentally come off as patronizing sometimes honestly

• someone could be in the middle of telling a story ab a romantic love story and he’d stop them to double check you know what kissing was

• Imo it’s for sure had many lovers, and even though the number is high, to a degree he’s had feelings and emotions for every last one of them.

• a.. catalogue of past lovers that seems more like love struck victims is kept clear in his mind.

• he really doesn’t want you to feel intimidated by that, “I just have so much love to give!”

• he is overtly sexual by nature, but instead of really expecting a reaction or reciprocation it’s just… what he’s like. He doesn’t expect you to be touchy or experienced, he truly doesn’t care.

• is secretly a little worried that your first steps away from your innocent, oblivious nature are with… someone as intense as he is.

• he doesn’t feel jealousy when others flirt with you, he’s not worried about you ever really leaving…. because he’s conceited and thinks he’s got you around his finger when it’s kinda the opposite tbh

• he does get immeasurably amused when others try to rile you up or throw out innuendos only for it to be met with a head tilt and a “???Huh???”

• if he senses anyone overstepping in a way you may not pick up on, he’s quick to,,,,, deal with the issue.

• at least it’s easy to convince you that your ill intentioned conversational partner just went on… a really long walk outside, yea, definitely just a walk :)

[daz4i]

top 5 confidants/social links??? or 10 if youre up for it ...

thank you!!!!!! :3

oh my god i wrote a whole, long ass answer explaining why i positions each one where it was but tumblr just. disappeared it. somehow. hate it here. asjdkfhg i'm gonna shorten things very much please imagine there is a whole paragraph for each one :(

also! i haven't gotten very far into any of p3's social links unfortunately so i'm doing just p5 and p4!

10. ok ik she's very hated, the abilities you get kinda suck, and that it has some creepy moments. but. ohya's confidant is good ok. i like how it's connected to the main story directly it's so cool!

9. maruki tbh lol. i just like the good vibes and discussions about human psyche and pain bc it's just stuff i really am interested in irl askdjgh so like maruki in general very easily keeps me invested even when the rank ups are more mundane

8. iwai!!!!!! i tend to forget his confidant often bc on new saves it's super hard to start and on ng+ i always leave it for later bc i don't need its abilities, but it's genuinely a really good one, story wise! i love kaoru and the dynamic between joker and him, i like how iwai basically adopts joker too, and the climax is very satisfying to watch!

7. yosuke! i'm ngl i don't like most of the IT's social links, but yosuke's (and maybe kanji's) makes up for that. it stays interesting and emotionally investing enough throughout and has an excellent climax (i just wish it had the original climax too lol)

6. shinya! son boy allowed. dare i even say encouraged. i don't have much to say without writing a new paragraph tbh i just love him a lot

5. shu! he's like shinya to me but a bit more tightly wrapped, if that makes sense? like shinya dips into other topics here and there while shu's stays more grounded, in a sense, so i like it more!

4. nanako 🥺🥺🥺🥺 (and to an extent, dojima, bc they're p much connected). can you tell i love persona kids. i wanna adopt them all

3. sojiro!!!!!!!!!!! i forgive the game for soft locking me from continuing it for a few months and making me waste time slots in my first playthrough bc the emotional payoff is def worth it 🥺

2. gonna be surprising here and say mishima. it's just extremely well written imo, probably the best one in that regard

goro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! specifically the royal one, ofc. you may ask "hey if mishima's confidant is the best written one then why is goro first" bc it's FUN i like going on dates with my special little detective and also it really is just Good Vibes all around but especially when he threatens to kill me. also it's goro i can't just not put him first smh

also honorable mentions bc i feel bad for not including them at all but i love their stories a lot: yumi, kou, ryuji, yusuke and hifumi!

PHEW ALRIGHT THIS ENDED UP LONG ANYWAY ASKDJFHG but i hope you like my takes uwu

send some top 5/top 10 asks!

[clare-with-no-i]

hi clare! <3 just wanted to gush about theogony ch 7 for a sec. lily’s grief journey…. sirius calling lily his sister (sob).. “anticipatory grief”.. that “oh” moment, my beloved….. sensitive sculptor remus.. philomel………. james PRAYING before they part. push me off a CLIFF!!!!!!!!!

ok but the thing that really did me in was this:

“It’s one of the great lamentations of history, that so much focus in the study of war is the bloodshed and the brutality; not the religiosity of companionship, the oaths between soldiers.”

i just think this is, as you’ve mentioned, one of the most powerful and key parts of this story. not only are you writing about a love story that spans centuries and cultures.. you’re humanizing characters from ancient times. they have feelings. thoughts. favorite colors. inside jokes. companionship. lovers they’re leaving behind. family to protect.

I burst into tears reading that because it punched me in the face and didn’t say sorry!! so. just saying. you rock and I say this without any pressure or entitlement - I can’t wait for chapter 8 <3

wow I might actually cry tbh!!

this, yes, this is so so important to me. it’s such a recurring impulse as someone who grew up post-industrial revolution, post-emergence of science and modern medicine, to think that—for some reason—my life is more important, more complex and emotional than those of people in antiquity. it is something I am still actively unlearning and fighting against; and, honestly? writing theogony has been really helpful with that.

I really can’t express how meaningful it is to me that you felt this, and that it stuck out. one of the core problems of the story is: is lily going to stay or go, if given the option? can a modern woman survive in antiquity? what might make her consider foregoing the comforts of modern life? and something that I’ve grappled with so much is what it might be like to witness someone dismantling that post-industrial superiority complex in real time, along with the reader.

phew. I’m not sure if you saw that YouTube comment I posted that addressed this, which brought ME to tears, but I saw it after months of agonizing over and working with this chapter, and thinking about the larger structure of the story as a whole. it hit SO hard. if this passage brought about even a fraction of those emotions, then I’ve succeeded!!

anyway, I ramble. but this just really means a lot to me. as someone who studied history, as someone who enjoys storytelling about it. really hit home.

thank you thank you!! and thank you for reading and for your patience!! very much hoping not nearly the same wait (truly I doubt anywhere near it) for next chapter. sending love!

[blackberry-gingham]

🎉 🧠 💖✨

Good Anakin, goooood.... You've come to wade through more of my word salad I see 🤲🏻😂 Thank you for the ask btw!!! You know I love to talk lmao

🎉 What does it take for you to consider a fic a success?

Tbh I grade my fics on a chapter by chapter basis, but basically if a chapter I post gets at least 10-15 notes from the time that I post it at night to the time that I wake up to check on it in the morning, I get encouraged that the fic is well received and thus, successful lol

Any engagement under that and I assume that either A) the fandom/audience is simply nonexistent (a very real possibility half the time lol) or, more rarely B) that what I wrote just want that great lol

🧠 here's a character, tell us a headcannon

Well I think you were supposed to name a character lol, but on the very possible chance that you intentionally left it open, I'll give you one that I haven't already told you yet lmao.

Here we go: I've come around to the idea that Nightcrawler cannot swim, tbh.

Not as in LITERALLY like physiologically cannot, of course (although I can't say I'd want to attempt it with the surface area of only two fingers and my palm to scoop my way through the water. It'd be like paddling a canoe with a strainer fkdkdk ) more so in that he just never had/took the opportunity to learn given his role in the circus, then straight to the monastery afterwards. And really, why would he anyway tbh, lol

Most of it comes from the fact that there is simply just no situation where you're going to "trap" him in a body of water, you know? Maybe for a few seconds if he fell in or something he might freak out and start flailing around, treading water- but the second any further sense of self preservation kicks in, he'd almost certainly just panic-teleport himself to the nearest solid surface. No need for swimming at all

That, and if you're like me and like to also headcannon that his fur is more on the dense/wooly side, I think he knows himself well enough to understand how unnecessarily exhausting it would be trying to swim while you've basically got all the weight of a soaking wet quilt wrapped around you.

If you factor that in with his impressively low body fat and also the structure of his hands as stated above, he'd essentially need to work like three times as hard to 1) stay afloat and 2) actually go anywhere, as compared to an average weight/size human being and after all that and the rest, it's like- really. Why even bother to begin with, lol.

💖 what made you start writing?

Phew that last one was long, huh? I'll give a short answer for this one lol. I know I already answered my like full, og writing backstory, but my Tumblr writing origins was simply that I had gotten into the Beatles at the time and I wanted to create my own content as a result of my interest, and what better way then with my favorite talent? :D

Not too unlike my VERY beginning story tbh. Some things never change :)

✨ Complement your work lol

I feel like this is also the same thing as what I said last time lol, but I really like how my fics handle emotions and mental health.

That stuff is easy for me to write bc I'm just an emotionally/psychologically aware person, but it's also fun I think, both as a writer and a reader, just bc you don't really see fics that are trying to add legit and believable dimension to the character(s) they're writing about. Hell, sometimes you don't even see it done in canon lol. So it's nice to let the fandom experience that kind of stuff if they want it!

[zabrak-show]

In the novel Clone Wars: Stories of the Light and Dark Obi-Wan's chapter retells the episode "The Lawless". While overall I found the book, while certainly not bad, missing a certain something and although some chapters really add to the corresponding episodes such as Rex' retelling of the Umbara arc, many are just very close retellings of the episodes. Now Kenobi's chapter was a mixed bag to me because some of it is really just an exact recount of the events of the episode, however, I found some additions made in regards to Maul interesting.

To no one's surprise there's a bit about Obi-Wan's almost hatred: "Hate was not the Jedi way. But for this man, Obi-Wan had grown weary of keeping it at bay."

Then we get confirmation that Maul is either just very perceptive, simply has Kenobi all figured out or is actually able to mindprobe even such thoroughly trained - albeit here clearly distraught - Jedi as Obi-Wan: "Maul seemed to sense his thoughts."

And of course we have Obi-Wan's reaction to Satine's death - which tbh made me all the more convinced that even though Obi-Wan might have crushed on her as a padawan, he is more fond of than in love sith her at this point -: "When Maul killed Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan was stricken with sorrow. Sorrow gripped him again. But there was something else, as well. Something dangerous. Something that scorched. Satine wasn't Maul's enemy. She was just a tool Maul had used to get something he wanted, the throne of Mandalore. And a tool to hurt Obi-Wan. Using a person that way was the worst form of cruelty. Satine had been a person, and her death wasn't just a loss for Obi-Wan. It was a loss for so many more. She'd been a child on this world. Like other children, she'd taken her first step, uttered her first word, laughed and chased flitters in the tall grass of the Mandalorian plains. She'd learned to read, made friends, suffered hurts, recovered and laughed again. And she'd become a leader. She should have lived to see her world thrive, to see her people find peace, to prosper, to make music and art. She should have grown old and been able to look back on all she'd achieved.

"But in a split second, Maul had ended all that. He'd extinguished a light in the universe and replaced it with shadow. Such an act was truly the definition of the dark side. And Obi-Wan burned with rage.

"With the rage came a vision: Eyes smoldering with hatred. Screams in the red glare of a lightsaber.

"Obi-Wan would cleave Maul in two. He would do much worse. There would be nothing left of him. Or the Dathomirian. Or the commandos, those Mandalorian traitors. He would kill them Almec. He would kill anyone who'd had a hand in overthrowing Satine, anyone who'd contributed to her death.

"And he would kill anyone who tried to stop him. Anyone who stood in his way, by word or by deed.

"Anyone.

"Maul laughed. "And now we see the true Obi-Wan Kenobi. The one he hides behind a mask of wit and charm. The one who yearns to be set free."

"And if Obi-Wan gave in to his desires, he'd be giving Maul exactly what he wanted."

So overall this just aligns with the episode. Although I do think Maul's additional taunt in this is so in character for him (and it'd be hilarious if it weren't for the entirety of the situation that Maul describes Obi-Wan as witty and charming). Although it's interesting just how close Obi-Wan came to falling. And ofc this passage really just hammers home the point that Maul wanted for Obi-Wan to fall to the dark side rather than wanting to kill him.

Anyways. The passage I've been dying to point out as an avid Obimaul shipper is the following:

"You can kill me, but you will never destroy me," Obi-Wan said, trying to keep his anger under control. "It takes strength to resist the dark side. Only the weak embrace it."

"It is more powerful than you know."

"And those who oppose it are more powerful than you'll ever be."

There was still a chance to turn this right. He could not overpower Maul, but maybe he could reach him. Maybe he could match Maul's fury, not with equal fury but with understanding. With sympathy. Maul had not always been this way. He'd had his future stolen from him. He'd been warped by the Force-wielders of Dathomir. He'd been groomed to become a creature of anger and vengeance who stood before Obi-Wan.

"I know where you're from," said Obi-Wan. "I've been to your village. I know the decision to join the dark side wasn't yours. I know the Nightsisters made it for you."

Obi-Wan cringed. The words had not come out as he'd intended. He'd wanted to extend a kindness that Maul perhaps never experienced. But he let his own anger and his own fear infect his words with venom."

And then the scene moves along as seen in the episode.

But phew. I feel like there is so much to unpack here. Obi-Wan trying to reach out for Maul is soooo good. I love that meeting anger with understanding and kindness is the Obimaul trope and this is pretty much that. It's interesting that Obi-Wan aknowledges that he couldn't strike the right tone.

Honestly all of this makes me yearn for the AU where he does reach Maul and maybe I'll even write it myself. Just Maul giving in and opening himself up to said kindness (although the staging might have to be different for that e.g. Maul visiting Obi-Wan in prison as an additional scene before he kills Satine).

This also made me reconsider the Siege of Mandalore. We all know, that Maul at that point of the story is not out to kill Kenobi. And honestly, considering that Maul is hyperaware of Kenobi's emotions in these scene and could possibly also have felt Obi-Wan's "kill 'em sith kindness" impulse, isn't it even more likely, that Maul wanted Kenobi to join him in robbing Sheev of his priced pupil Anakin but also killing Palpatine? I always thought Maul wanted to reveal Sidious to Kenobi and he only adapts his plan because it isn't Obi-Wan that arrives. But with this scene in mind, couldn't it possibly be, that Maul remembered that Obi-Wan once tried to reach out for him and wanted to extend the same gesture with the goal of overthrowing Palpatine? Whilst there is this short moment in "The Son of Dathomir" comic in which Maul and Dooku unite in fighting Kenobi, I feel like after Talzin was also killed by Palpatine Maul was kind of aimless - because in the comic he (unfortunately) has essentially moved from seeing himself as Sidious' tool to being Mother Talzin's tool (he even states the latter directly) - and nothing matters to him as much as overthrowing Sidious in that final arc, because he knows if not now then never. He has foreseen what Sidious and Vader will become and knows this is his last shot to truly hurt Palpatine in any way. And lastly Maul is certainly not that delusional that he'd think he can kill Kenobi and Skywalker alone (which is an interpretation I've seen and honestly just feels wrong at that point)

Essentially I am convinced that Maul wanted to form a sort of alliance with Obi-Wan to overthrow Sidious (The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that). Maul knows that Obi-Wan knows him better than anyone and I think at the very least he hoped he could convince Obi-Wan of the truth. Additionally Obi-Wan is the only being left in his life Maul has a connection to, who hasn't been killed by Sidious.

All I am saying is that I join the ranks of other anons and blogs as a huge Obimaul enabler.

Wow!! This was so informative and awesome. I don't have that book so I appreciate the run down A LOT! And will probably save this as reference point tbh.

I don't really have anything to add other than thank you for sharing with me, and that I think you absolutely should write an AU where Obi-Wan is able to reach Maul. How that would play out and what happens when they do is a delicious thought.