#perceived notions about growing up

[furiousgoldfish]

While growing up in an abusive family, a part of me strongly refused to grow up, in fact it's still resisting it. I thought at first, it was because I was taught that I am less and less valuable as I age, but it wasn't only that. It turns out, growing around mostly abusive people, can give you some horrifying notions of what it means to be an adult.

I am going to write down how I perceived adulthood, as an abused kid, because I need to work on it myself, and if there's somebody else feeling this, know that these are not your only option for a future:

All adults are stupid, unkind, boring, bitter, aggressive, obsessed with money, do not understand people around them at all.

All adults have to play specific roles assigned to them and don't step outside of these roles. For instance: mother, grandma, father, aunt, teacher, uncle, neighbour. All roles are restrictive and people can only do whatever is assigned to this role (cleaning, cooking, working a job, going to army, being married, etc)

Adults can't play, be curious, or have fun. Adults have to be focused on their role and stay grumpy, serious, bitter and busy. They don't laugh except when drunk.

Adults are having it tougher than children. They are unloved, uncared for, nobody considers them nice or pretty, nobody wants them around or gives them gifts. Adults are permanently unwanted and undesired everywhere.

Adults have good opinions only of people who are already dead. Everyone alive is constantly being humiliated, shamed and criticized. It's better to be dead.

Adults don't care about children, and only think the worst of children. Adults think children should only exist to work and to be yelled at. Adults are dangerous.

Adults don't care about friendships, loyalty, kindness, courage, bonds, closeness, care, or love. Adults friendships are drinking and smoking in the same room while talking badly about every other person in their life. They don't play, laugh or share things. It's a big game of pretense that the other has it better.

Adults lie and fake everything. They lie about their home life, about what they know, about money. They lie about, and to their children. They tell lies confidently. They make things up if they don't know and then tell those lies as if they're truths. They don't feel guilt if caught lying and instead double down on it.

Adults have money but they can't spend it. They have to keep paying bills and they never have enough money for bills and food. They will buy alcohol and cigarettes though, but they're always stressed about bills. They consider it children's fault.

Adults are endlessly stressed about having to 'feed a family'. This is so bad that they actually end up hating their families. They wish all of their children were dead so they wouldn't have to feed them. They can't seem to stop having children but also hate feeding them. It's like they're forced into it.

Adults have to work constantly. They work their jobs and have to do endless chores when they get home. They have to get up early to do chores and do them late at night. They have to do everything alone, unless they can get a child to do it for them. They can't select not to do it, they have to shift it to someone else to avoid it. Adults have no free time, or hobbies. They have to work at all times and always know what needs to be done.

 Adults have bodies that work less and less. They can't run, climb or jump. They're always having surgeries and can barely walk. Their backs and hips hurt and they complain about the pain every time they need to do anything. They blame the work for this but can't stop working. They're still somehow stronger than children when they want to hurt children, and then they're fully mobile. But at all other times they appear sickly and need stuff done for them.

Adults never get over anything that ever happened to them. They're always victimized by everything that ever happened to them. We the children have to get over things instantly, but they are angry and bitter about the past forever. They hold grudges against family members forever. They freely take things out on other family members. They never forgive or forget or calm down.

Adults are not passionate about anything. Their main priority is looking good in front of others and convincing everyone they're better than they are.

Adults selectively care when someone is crying. If it's someone they don't know, they'll act nice about it. If they know the person they will tell them to shut up and stop annoying them. It's like they fall for strangers tears but see through anyone else's as pretense. I don't understand.

Adults die and then other adults get drunk at their funerals. They say you need to cry but they're only serious for the public part and then go and have parties where they just laugh with everyone. Adults don't care about the dead people but say you're not supposed to say anything bad about them now they're dead. They pretend they cared while the person was alive but they didn't. They obsessively clean and decorate graves just for others not to think they 'didn't care'.

Adults will betray anyone's secrets. Adults will tell other adults whatever you told them in confidence. Adults cannot be trusted with information.

Adults judge and badmouth anyone who doesn't act the way they think people are supposed to act. They will impose their own rules and morals on others and shame anyone who doesn't agree. They insist that everyone needs to follow their assigned family role even though they complain about hating their own. They use the most horrid slurs for people they consider 'bad at their role' and write these people off as parasites and worthless people

Adults all agree children should be obedient, quiet and never want anything or disturb them. They want children only to present them with achievements and work for the rest of time.

Adults have sex but nobody is supposed to say anything about it. It's unclear whether they want to be doing it. If it's a part of a role it doesn't seem like they can say no.

Adults can't be cared for or pampered like children can. Adults do not get candy or chocolate. Adults say it's because children are cute and they're not. Adults are jealous of children. Adults complain about not being cared for.

Adults don't understand how hard children have it and always say being a child is the easiest and best time of life. They seem jealous and tell children to be grateful because it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine surviving worse. They claim their childhood was better than anything they deal with now because food was free and they didn't have to have a job.

Adults have no freedom. They have to stay with family and play their role. They can't survive otherwise. They leech off of each other and hate everyone. They live by imposed rules that force everyone to stay together even if they hate each other. They hate everyone around them. They feel loyal to no one. They bring misery to themselves and people around them and don't feel shame or responsibility for anyone they've hurt or ruined.

Adults don't see others as people with their own inner world. They insist that everyone except them is stupid, shallow, mindless and worthless.

Adults are all cowards who will submit to anyone who is stronger and louder. They'll only fight those who are weaker. They don't care about justice and will happily punish victims in unfair fights. They themselves are bitter and upset if they don't get the justice.

Adults only ever look out for themselves. They don't care about other people. They want money and others to admire them and to serve them. If that is not happening they are angry and bitter at the entire world.

Adults don't see good in other people. They don't see what someone else needs or deserves. They don't care about adventures or magic. They don't have wonder or awe inside of themselves. They don't even look at beautiful things in front of them. They don't care about nature, animals or trees. They don't care about books or knowledge, or reading. They don't care about stories or legends. They don't care about people who suffer so badly they want to die. They judge people for suicide.

They don't care about creating or making something unless it can be sold for money. They don't even tolerate others doing it.

They love no one. Everything they do is a drag and a pain to them and they want to push their work on someone else all the time. They don't care about anything except money and how to get more attention and keep pretenses. They have no true friends or care for anyone. All they have is work, rules and roles they need to act. Their lives are meaningless. Even though they have money they cannot travel or use it for fun or joy. They don't think anyone should be free to do as they want. They have no dignity or honor but pretend they do when in company. They yell but pretend they're victims for 'having to yell'.

They don't care if someone wants to die because of their actions. They don't care for anyone who wants to live differently. People who live differently are worthless and stupid to them. They think they're the only ones who are always right even when they're always wrong.

Adults are convinced that when I grow up this will all make sense and I will grow up to be exactly like them

If you felt as a child, or still do, that these are the truths of adulthood, and something you'll end up becoming, it's not true, and it's mostly just abusers who live their lives in this manner. If this is the only thing you've ever known and seen as a child, adulthood would be terrifying and feel like you'd have to lose your soul in order to become like this.

I'll write another follow-up debunking these and writing what I feel adulthood is right now. It's just definitely not that. And living around people who act like this is normal, is traumatic.

[edenesth]

Pride and Prejudice

Pairing: superior!Hongjoong x fem!reader

AU: office au

Word Count: 3.5k

Summary: Kim Hongjoong, the intimidating superior with an unreasonable prejudice against you, holds a grudge that seems endless. What happens when your paths collide in an unexpectedly heartwarming late-night encounter in the office?

ATEEZ Masterlist

Kim Hongjoong.

That was a name that sent shivers down most employees' spines.

In the bustling world of corporate offices, he was known as the intimidating superior that everyone dreaded.

From the moment you set foot in the company, you felt the weight of his prejudice against you. He had a stereotype against pretty girls, believing that you had only secured your position due to what he dubbed as "pretty privilege."

Despite his initial disdain for you, you had been determined to prove your worth. Days turned into weeks, and your hard work began to speak for itself. Your colleagues recognised your dedication and praised your quality of work.

But Hongjoong's pride remained an impenetrable barrier, preventing him from acknowledging your skills and contributions. Because of that, he's been out to get you for as long as you can remember.

Little did you know, things were about to change real soon.

One evening, after the office had emptied out, you found yourself still at your desk, engrossed in a challenging project.

It was then that Hongjoong, against his usual routine, returned to the office for some last-minute work. Surprised to see you there, he observed you from a distance.

He watched as you tirelessly poured over spreadsheets, crafted reports, and revised presentations. It was clear that your commitment went beyond any perceived privilege. Slowly, a realisation dawned upon him, shattering the preconceived notions that had clouded his judgement.

Too immersed in your work to notice him, you typed away, the soft glow of your computer screen casting a dim light on your face.

Hongjoong couldn't help but feel a growing sense of guilt.

He noticed the countless cups of coffee scattered across your desk, each one bearing the telltale signs of late nights and long hours. There was also a half-finished packet of cream crackers, a meagre attempt at sustenance in the midst of your dedication.

His initial irritation at finding you still at the office slowly gave way to concern. It was well past dinner time, and he wondered if you'd even had a proper meal that day. Clearing his throat, he approached your desk, his footsteps light but purposeful.

"You're still here?" He asked in a voice that was almost a whisper, the surprise of your presence evident in his tone.

Your head snapped up at his unexpected appearance, and you shot up from your seat, a reflexive gesture of politeness ingrained in you, "Yes, Mr. Kim," You replied with a polite bow, "Just finishing up some work. What are you doing here?"

He hesitated for a moment, his eyes flicking to the scattered coffee cups and the packet of crackers before meeting your gaze, "I had something I forgot to finish earlier," He confessed, his voice carrying a newfound vulnerability, "So, I came back to the office to settle it."

You nodded slowly, understanding the pressures of your demanding workplace all too well. Returning to your work, you couldn't help but notice the genuine concern in his expression. It was a stark contrast to the disdain and prejudice you had once faced from him.

Then, in a moment that would forever change your professional relationship, he spoke up once more, his words laced with an unexpected humility.

"I didn't realise how hard you work."

Surprised by his admission and the softness in his voice, you looked up again, a flicker of hope in your eyes. With a faint but sincere smile, you replied, "I've been trying to show you all along."

It was a turning point, a moment when the barriers between you and your superior began to crumble, replaced by a newfound understanding.

The awkward silence that hung in the air between you and Hongjoong felt palpable, a reminder of the distance that had separated you for so long. You decided to break the tension by resuming your work, murmuring, "I'll get back to this then."

He simply nodded in response, his eyes fixed on his own office room, but he didn't leave. Instead, he stood there, silently wrestling with his thoughts. He desperately wanted to ask if you had eaten, knowing full well that the late hour meant that a proper meal was long overdue.

However, his pride, which had been a formidable barrier between you two, still held sway over him.

Inwardly frustrated with himself, he cursed under his breath and forced himself to remember why he had returned to the office in the first place. With a reluctant sigh, he reminded himself of the unfinished work waiting for him in his office. Pushing past his internal turmoil, he turned on his heel and headed toward his workspace, determined to distract himself with the tasks at hand.

As he retreated to his office, the lingering sense of guilt and a newfound respect for your dedication continued to gnaw at him.

It was a moment of reckoning, and he wondered if breaking down the remaining walls of pride and prejudice was the path he needed to take to foster a more harmonious working relationship with you.

Hours passed, and the office had grown eerily quiet as midnight approached.

Hongjoong, convinced that you would have left by now, finally decided to call it a night. He stretched, shut down his computer, and began packing his things. But as he made his way towards the exit, he glanced over at your desk and was surprised to find you still there, diligently working away.

His surprise grew when he saw you reach for another packet of crackers, your stomach protesting loudly with a growl. The sight of your dedication and the audibility of your hunger pangs finally broke through the last remnants of his pride and hesitation.

He couldn't let you continue like this.

In a bold move that shocked both you and himself, he approached your desk and swiftly snatched the packet of crackers from your hands, "That's it," He declared, determination in his voice, "I'm taking you to have a proper meal."

You gasped, your wide eyes locked onto his, completely taken aback by his sudden change in demeanour. Without giving you a choice, he tugged you up from your chair, and you reached for your handbag, thinking you might need to pay for your own meal.

Shock and disbelief coursed through your veins as you followed him towards the 24-hour convenience store just downstairs from the office. He surprised you once again.

"Go on, pick whatever you want to eat. It's on me."

The realisation that your once-intimidating superior was genuinely concerned about your well-being left you in a state of utter astonishment.

You carefully selected a light meal, trying to be polite since Hongjoong was footing the bill. But he sighed in frustration when he noticed your restraint, and he swiftly grabbed a few more side dishes, silencing your protests with a stern glare.

Once he had paid, you found yourselves settled at a table and chairs in a quiet corner of the store.

You began, "Thank you for the meal, Mr. Kim."

He nodded in acknowledgement but seemed lost in thought. After a moment of contemplation, he finally spoke up, his cheeks turning a faint shade of red, "Just Hongjoong."

You froze, your actions of opening the food package momentarily halted, "What?" You asked, surprised by his request.

He cleared his throat, still blushing but determined, "I said, just call me Hongjoong. We're not at work now, you don't have to be so formal."

A smile tugged at the corners of your lips as you noticed how cute he looked, flustered by the change in dynamics. You nodded, genuinely touched by his gesture, "Okay. Thank you for the meal, Hongjoong. I really appreciate it."

For some inexplicable reason, he felt his heart warm at hearing you say his name for the first time.

As you both shared the meal, he discovered a side of you he had been quick to overlook. He realised just how wrong he had been to judge you based on a shallow stereotype. It became evident that there was so much more to you than just your good looks, and he couldn't help but curse himself for his past behaviour.

He had needlessly made your life difficult from the moment you joined the company, and he felt a growing sense of remorse.

After the meal, you thanked him once more and wished him a safe trip home, intending to return to the office to finish your work. But his unease intensified as he watched you walk back toward the darkened office alone. He couldn't bear the thought of something happening to you after he had left, and he knew he would never forgive himself.

In an unexpected move, he followed you back to the office, stopping the elevator doors from closing and forcing his way in. You gasped in surprise, staring at him with wide eyes.

He cleared his throat, trying to appear nonchalant despite the racing of his heart, "What kind of a terrible boss would I be to let you work alone so late?" He stammered, "I... I'll help you. That way, you'll finish faster, and we can both go home."

Your heart skipped a beat at his thoughtfulness, a gesture you had never expected from the intimidating Kim Hongjoong.

With a grateful smile, you nodded, realising that beneath the stern exterior you had initially encountered, there was a caring and compassionate side to him that you were only just beginning to discover, "Thank you, Hongjoong. This means a lot to me."

From that day forward, the dynamic between you and Hongjoong shifted dramatically.

The next morning at work, an unexpected sight left all of your colleagues in shock. Hongjoong appeared next to your desk, holding a cup of your favourite coffee and a pack of sandwiches that he had clearly taken notice of you enjoying frequently.

His voice was unusually gentle as he greeted you, saying, "Good morning. Here, don't skip breakfast again."

Your heart fluttered with surprise and gratitude as you stammered out a thank you, bowing slightly, "Morning, Mr. Kim! Gosh, you really didn't have to. But thank you so much."

You could see him trying his hardest to maintain his composure in front of your curious colleagues, who were all gawking at the unexpected display of kindness. With a quick nod, he turned and hurried into his office, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Once he was gone, your colleagues flocked around your desk, eager to hear the story behind this sudden change in Hongjoong's behaviour. They bombarded you with questions, excited to unravel the mystery of why your intimidating superior was now going out of his way to be nice to you.

The office buzzed with curiosity and anticipation, as the dynamics within the workplace continued to shift in surprising and heartwarming ways.

Unbeknownst to you, Hongjoong had been discreetly observing you from the glass window of his office.

A smile spread across his face as he watched you finally enjoy the coffee and sandwich he had gotten for you. It was a simple gesture, but it held a deeper significance for both of you.

In the days that followed, everyone at work noticed the remarkable change in his behaviour toward you. He openly acknowledged your skills and contributions, and the two of you began to develop a professional respect for each other.

Your colleagues teased you relentlessly, speculating that there might be something more to his newfound kindness. They playfully suggested that Kim Hongjoong might have developed feelings for you.

But you would have none of it.

You firmly told them off each time they made such ridiculous claims, asserting that his change in behaviour was simply a result of him realising he had been wrong in his initial judgement of you. While the teasing continued, you remained steadfast in your belief that his actions were motivated by respect rather than romantic interest.

The office atmosphere had shifted from one of tension and prejudice to one of teamwork and support, thanks to the unlikely friendship that had blossomed between you and your superior.

Little did you know that your colleagues' playful theories about Hongjoong's feelings were not as far-fetched as you believed.

Frustration began to creep into his actions as he yearned for you to grasp the deeper meaning behind his gestures. He had become more attentive, consistently leaving breakfast at your desk and offering assistance with your workload, even when you hadn't requested it. These efforts were his way of expressing feelings he had only recently come to understand.

He was left bewildered by the evolution of his emotions.

He couldn't pinpoint when it had started, but his newfound respect and admiration for you had gradually transformed into something more profound and romantic.

As he continued to go out of his way to be a part of your life, he wished for the day when you might see beyond the professional facade and realise that his actions were driven by deeper feelings he was struggling to contain.

But Hongjoong had reached a breaking point.

That's it, I guess I'll just have to be more direct.

He couldn't continue to hide his feelings and yearnings any longer; he needed to be more forward about his intentions. The internal struggle was taking its toll, and he was determined to let you know how he truly felt.

On a day like any other, as he got you breakfast, you thanked him once more for the meal.

Gathering his courage, he decided to seize the moment, even if it meant doing so in front of all your colleagues. He cleared his throat and, with an air of determination, he spoke, "You can thank me by going to dinner with me."

A collective gasp rippled through the office as everyone realised that Hongjoong was finally making a move.

You, stunned by his unexpected proposition, gulped and blinked up at him, your heart pounding loudly in your chest. With a shaky voice, you croaked, "A-are you asking me out on a date?"

He nodded, taking a bold step closer to you.

He knew he was being unprofessional, and normally, he would care deeply about that, but his feelings for you had grown too strong to suppress any longer. At this moment, all that mattered was hearing your response, and he couldn't wait to hear you say yes.

As much as you longed to say yes, you couldn't ignore the weight of potential consequences.

The risk of having an office romance with your superior loomed large in your mind, and you feared the impact it might have on both your personal and professional life. You were torn between your heart's desires and the practicality of the situation.

However, your colleagues, growing impatient with your silence, began chanting insistently, "Say yes! Say yes! Say yes!"

Their encouragement, combined with Hongjoong's pleading gaze, melted your heart. You knew that your happiness in the present moment mattered more than any potential complications, so you finally nodded and said, "Yes."

The office erupted into joyful cheers as his face broke into a radiant smile. He couldn't contain his excitement as he gently took your hand and pressed a tender kiss onto your knuckles.

"Great," He said, his voice filled with genuine happiness, "I'll catch you after work, then."

With a newfound sense of hope and anticipation, you felt that this unexpected turn of events might just be the beginning of something wonderful between you and Hongjoong.

Your first date with him had gone exceptionally well, and as you spent more time together, your connection deepened.

After a few more memorable dates, he finally gathered the courage to ask you to be his girlfriend. You couldn't help but voice your concerns about how the relationship might impact your work dynamics.

He listened attentively and reassured you that he understood your concerns completely. He promised to do his utmost to keep things professional and not let your relationship interfere with your work. Trusting his sincerity and the strength of your connection, you took a leap of faith and agreed to be his.

From that point onward, everyone at work began to playfully thank you for transforming Hongjoong from an intimidating figure into a gentle and approachable one.

It was evident that he had become more friendly and open with all the employees, and the atmosphere in the office began to relax. The newfound harmony made everyone happier to work together, as the once-tense environment transformed into a more welcoming and pleasant one.

His transformation from a scary boss to a sweet and caring boyfriend was nothing short of remarkable. He made every effort to ensure that you felt loved and cherished in every aspect of your relationship.

Each morning, he would pick you up from your home with a warm smile and drive you to work, turning your daily commute into a shared adventure.

In his office, you would both enjoy breakfast together, savouring these precious moments before the workday began. As he walked you to your desk, he would often steal a quick, affectionate kiss when he thought no one was watching, leaving a subtle yet sweet reminder of his feelings.

Throughout the day, he would make sure that you never skipped a meal, even if it meant reminding you to take a break. Whenever the weather turned chilly, he'd drape his blazer over your shoulders, ensuring you stayed warm and comfortable.

One of the most significant changes was his commitment to ensuring you didn't stay late at work anymore. He would whisk you away for dinner, treating you to delicious meals before taking you home. And on nights when he was too tired to go home, he'd sometimes stay at your place.

Hongjoong's sweetness as a boyfriend was a stark contrast to the intimidating figure you had first met.

He had evolved into a caring and attentive partner, demonstrating his love not just in words but also through his thoughtful actions, it made your life more meaningful with each passing day.

"Thank you, Mr. Park. I look forward to our collaboration."

As you shook hands with the client, a polite smile on your face, Hongjoong felt a twinge of frustration. He was so close to winning over Park Seonghwa for the latest project.

Fine, you win this round.

A year had passed since you started dating, and your professional paths had taken an unexpected turn. You had been promoted to his level and were now working in a different division, putting you in direct competition with him at work.

He remembered the days when he used to be your intimidating boss, and the thought of you becoming his professional rival both intrigued and challenged him.

While he couldn't deny his pride in seeing your career flourish, the competitive spirit within him burned brightly, as he prepared himself for the battles that lay ahead in your evolving relationship, both in and out of the office.

That evening as you both settled down in the home you now shared, a mischievous grin spread across your face.

You watched with amusement as Hongjoong grumbled and struggled to remove his tie. He wore a look of mock envy as he tried to get rid of the professional attire that now seemed like a burden.

Unable to contain your laughter at his sulking, you approached him, gently helping him remove the tie, "I'm sorry for stealing your client, Joong. I thought you'd be proud of me." You teased, your eyes sparkling with amusement.

He blinked in surprise before a soft smile spread across his face, and he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer.

"I'm just playing with you, silly." He said, his voice filled with affection.

"You didn't steal Seonghwa from me. You won him over fair and square with your skills. And I am incredibly proud of you, my love. You continue to prove me wrong about my past stereotypes every day, and I love you so much for it."

Your boyfriend's sweet words had a way of melting your heart, and in that moment, you couldn't resist the overwhelming rush of affection you felt for him, "I love you too, Joong." His arms around your waist made you feel safe and loved, and you leaned in, pressing a soft, tender kiss to his lips.

His lips met yours with a gentle warmth, and the kiss deepened, filled with all the love and passion that had grown between you over the past year. Your arms wound around his neck, pulling him closer as the world faded away, leaving just the two of you lost in the sweetness of the moment.

Time seemed to stand still as you relished the connection, your hearts beating in sync.

If someone had told you a year and a half ago that you and Kim Hongjoong would eventually fall in love, you wouldn't have believed them. But as you held each other in that moment, you couldn't help but marvel at how far you had both come since those days.

And you wouldn't have it any other way.

Lord, this turned out so much longer than I'd planned.

No regrets though, I realised I had to write this after seeing all the recent photos of Hongjoong in Paris. The sight of this man in suits just does things to me. Like, just imagine having him as your boss.🧎🏻‍♀️

This is personally one of my favourites. Hope y'all liked it too! Thank you for reading and as always, do share your thoughts with me! <3

Tag list: @aurasblue @marievllr-abg @itsvxlentine @minghaoslatina

All Rights Reserved © edenesth // DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE, PLAGIARISE OR REPURPOSE.

[theopolis]

Adaptations/alternate comicverses/certain 616 comics that try to empower Harry Osborn and showcase how he's broken free from Norman's influence by making him appear more in control are, imo, kind of missing the point of his original empowering act of self-reclamation in Spectacular #200. Because the entire arc that had led up to it was about him clawing for total control of who he is, what he can do and how he is perceived. That climactic moment where he rescues Peter from the bomb is not born out of a newfound confidence and bravado - to the contrary. It's prefaced by the same panicky indecision that had continously sabotaged Harry's quest to truly become the Green Goblin; someone worthy, someone deserving of his father's approval, someone who would never be hurt again

Depictions of Harry where he doesn't possess, or rises above, his frailty, while often well intentioned and certainly helpful to some people who get different takeaways from them, do nothing for me. Rather, they feel inspired by that same notion of having to "grow a thick skin" and embody an ideal of someone who's assertive and has it together, even if that ideal is much less extreme and overtly toxic than the Goblin. Is it really about self love, or is it about becoming more "admirable", more "respectable", less of a "burden", less "weak"? Someone who is no longer affected by past abuse in ways they perceive as shameful?

I believe Harry's kindness and intense love for Peter can not be neatly separated from the less noble traits rooted in his sensitive nature. He loves and gives easily, just as he gets scared and nervous and self conscious easily. All of it was punished and scrutinized first by his father and then by himself. Harry's ultimate choice to save Peter's life in #200 is him finally giving up on that struggle for invulnerability and surrendering to the command his soft heart has over him. It's the opposite of control and he says it himself when Peter asks why he came back for him: "What else could I do?"

I think this is an immensely important message. Certainly one I needed to hear when I read that comic. Must we try to attain that mythical self who repels harm? Isn't it much kinder towards ourselves to accept that keeping an open heart means that we have wounds, some of which may never fully heal and will need tending to by more hands than our own?

[serpentface]

How do each of the characters relate to their own culturally-perceived level of attractiveness? Physical or otherwise

Ok here goes

Tigran is kind of outside of cultural dimensions of attractiveness as a eunuch and one who was castrated as a pre-pubescent child. He is immediately and obviously identifiable as a eunuch so is WAY outside both the 'attractive masculinity' and 'attractive beardless youth' realms. He's also identifiable as a Galenii priest via All That + having a shaved head + having the stretched/pierced ears + usually wearing their regalia, and they're generally assumed to be celibate anyway (this is actually only a requirement for monks). In broader terms, he's also neutral- nothing about his appearance would be distinctly regarded as ugly (aside from being considered 'too fat'), while nothing is particularly striking either.

He has Largely come to terms with his resulting place in the world and isn't too bothered by it (ABSOLUTELY has lingering traumas but they don't really play into anything about attractiveness). He doesn't have much of a sex drive and doesn't care all that much if people are into him or not. He's very self confident (maybe too much so) and has good self esteem, and all around wins the award for 'least tortured about appearance'.

---

Palo is more recently a eunuch and this occurred after he experienced typical masculinizing puberty, so his appearance is more within the sphere of attractiveness conventions.

He wholly falls into the 'non-woman conventionally appropriate for male attraction' category. He wouldn't Technically be considered a 'beardless youth' because being a eunuch makes him regarded as not male, but on all practical levels he fits this archetype- he's slender with a delicate build, narrow shoulders, very light body hair, no longer grows a beard, etc. This doesn't translate to him being actively pursued by men often (especially since his current status is Ascetic Monk) but he is Aware that he gets some attention.

He's got a very complicated relationship with All This. He'd always been attracted to the notion of 'effeminate' presentation, had feelings of jealousy towards akoshos. But his entrance into a de-gendered space was not a matter of complete personal choice. He's no longer considered 'male' but nothing about who he is internally magically changed with castration, and that in part makes him resistant to sort of taking advantage of the dropped expectations for masculinity. He's VERY nervous about taking the opportunity to change his behavior and presentations in ways that he wants to because the whole experience has been degrading and he's desperate to feel respected and respectable. This manifests in clinging onto elements of masculinity that he never Wanted and no longer Has To, and also being freaked out that a) he is now notably conventionally attractive to men, especially since his beard stopped growing and b) he Could fully get away with having sex with them if he wanted but c) as a eunuch, his sexual role is expected to be 'nonexistent/completely desexualized' and/or 'receiving partner for men'.

So he's caught in a conflict of wanting to retain his prior presentation and behavioral expectations in defiance of his new role while also wanting to take Advantage of his new role to be the ways he actually wants to be. All while being kinda fucking horrified about his exponentially increased 'attractive to men' status.

---

Janeys is among the most tortured in this aspect. By cultural convention, he's considered mildly ugly and slightly effeminate looking (which is played up by people who dislike him, including himself), the latter mainly for the lack of a beard.

He has a very distorted self image and thinks of himself as both STRIKINGLY ugly and obscenely effeminate in appearance. Thinks his eyes are weirdly spaced, when he puts on weight it accumulates into a potbelly which he thinks is hideous, thinks his dick is weirdly big (a bad thing) (it's above average but nothing crazy). Used to keep his hair longer and started cutting it shorter (but not TOO short) due to becoming convinced it made him indistinguishable from his sister. Etc He is in the MOST agony about not being able to grow a full beard. it comes in very patchy so he shaves his face down to the areas that grow in fairly consistently and shaves it down further than that to make it look even. Which in turn makes him think he looks like a male prostitute.

A lot of the effeminacy concerns are rooted in his physical history- was very small and sickly as a young child, went through puberty WAY late to the point of being suspected a 'natural eunuch' (having an intersex variation that prevents expected masculinizing puberty) for a while. His mother was very involved in trying to 'fix' this and was herself paranoid of him having 'effeminate' traits, which he internalized pretty severely. He's also full gay and his attraction to men exists wayyyyy outside of the bounds of the normative 'occasionally wanting to top Beardless Youths' which in of itself is understood as effeminacy and is horrifying to him.

He doesn't try to control his generalized 'ugliness' much and is much more focused on compensating for his supposed effeminacy by presenting as HARD masc, moreso than is culturally expected or than he would actually Like to (to be clear, he is possibly the world's most cisgender man, he would just be a lot more relaxed with it if he was comfortable with himself). Unfortunately for him this is specifically a kind of posh hard masc that looks silly to a lot of people.

---

Faiza is considered mildly ugly + a bit too physically masculine (stocky build, narrow hips, a strong and squarish jawline). Her status as an Odonii compels a degree of masculinized dress and frees her from a lot of expectations for conventional attractiveness and hard enforcement of beauty standards, but it's not like she doesn't Exist within the same society that has these standards.

She really doesn't want to be the object of anyone's sexual attraction to begin with and isn't all that torn up about being seen as a little ugly, but it's very important to her that she commands GENUINE, personal respect- not just automatic deference to her status. And part of that is presenting nicely by convention (she does not think about this as 'I have to conform to presentation conventions for people to like me' but rather 'A respectable person looks certain ways, it's natural that I should'). She does pretty extensive skincare, keeps her hair nicely braided at all times (usually rebraids it multiple times a day), and wears generally expected female dress when not required to be in full regalia. She sees herself as an obligate role model, leader, mediator, etc, and holds herself to very high standards to look and act the part.

Which does work pretty well, average outlook on her appearance is like 'yeah she's not exactly a looker but she's clearly very well-kept and respectable'.

---

Couya is generally considered Notably unattractive, in part due to uncontrollable physical traits considered masculine (narrow hips, hard jawline, broad shoulders, notably taller than average) and in part due to making absolutely zero efforts to 'compensate' in any capacity.

She doesn't mind this at all. For her it was like, oh there's no one who can actually make or compel me to keep my hair braided, do an hour of skincare every night, etc? And immediately dropped it. She actually kind of Loves that people think she's ugly because there's nothing anyone can do about it. She FLAUNTS it. It's kind of an extension of being proud of her status as an Odonii, it's like people can say whatever they want but the vast majority of the population still has to defer to her and behave with tremendous respect. She LOVES watching people who she knows damn well dislike her and think she's an unkempt hideous freak have to greet her with a deferential bow and full honorifics through gritted teeth.

There is a bit of self-imposed isolation to all this, she's SO used to feeling ostracized and having her status as Odonii be the One Thing that makes her matter, that she doesn't really recognize that there's some feelings of loneliness underneath it all. Her complete hostility to a lot of cultural standards in general and embrace of 'I'm freakish and ugly and half-empty but also better than you in a way that you HAVE to respect' is sort of a defense mechanism against hostility that she's learned to expect. She straight up has no fucking idea what to do when treated with like, tenderness by someone who isn't her sister, much less if someone actually finds her attractive.

---

Hibrides is considered VERY attractive, about as close to the cultural ideal of feminine beauty as possible. She's got the 'right' amount of body fat, genetics that give her fairly clear skin, wide hips and thighs, long eyelashes, dark hair, an arched nose, etc. The only majorly desired trait she doesn't have is wavy hair, but that's just a preferred feature rather than defining of beauty or ugliness.

She also thinks of herself as good looking, but really, really, really doesn't like people paying close attention to her. She's distinctly uncomfortable with people expressing attraction to her (which isn't just a facet of her sexuality, she's definitely MORE uncomfortable with men but it bothers her with women too). The sensation of being ogled makes her feel sick and she would rather just not be perceived at all.

She experiences a painful fine line as a Conventionally Attractive Woman In A Very Misogynist Culture where she's seen as a potential sex object and expected to be beautiful, but not TOO beautiful or sexy which would suggest being perverted and overly lustful. She feels the pressure to put a ton of effort into her appearance and also to make it look like No Effort Has Been Made At All. It's time consuming and stressful and makes her wish she could just be invisible instead sometimes.

A lot of this is reflected in her dress- she tends to wear more form and skin covering clothing than is conventionally deemed necessary (the low cut tops aren't an exception- breasts aren't commonly sexualized in this context, hiding her hips and legs is more important to her). This is partly tempered by class-based interests in wearing elaborate jewelry and decorated clothing as a status indicator, she likes fine clothing and certainly doesn't want to look like a dirty commoner, she just doesn't want attention paid to her beyond that.

---

Brakul is considered decently good looking by Wardi standards and notably handsome by his own. His appearance is effortlessly masc, he has a full beard and broad shoulders and solid muscling, he's notably tall (6'2'' where the average male height is around 5'6'') and that tends to be regarded positively. Him being on the fatter side is VERY attractive by his own cultural standards, where it's associated with hardiness and suggests the ability to sire or bear healthy children.

He's considered a little too fat by Wardi convention, the shaved head is considered very strange and is not conventionally attractive (and the facial tattoos also make him very visible as an ethnoreligious minority, and general Wardi consensus on tattooing is negative, but this isn't really about concerns of attractiveness). This isn't enough to radically change outlooks on his Appearance, the average take on him is going to be 'pretty good looking heathen'.

He's never been Skinny (genetics + had a more calorie rich diet growing up than most Wardi commoners of comparable means) but he used to be thinner, and notably put on weight after joining Janeys' household and gaining regular access to good food (and also alcohol). He's very pleased with this and kind of loves feeling like a fat spoiled housewife.

He has a few physical insecurities ('my dicks kinda small' 'I have a weird pointer toe' 'why is my beard a slightly different color than the rest of my hair' 'god my dog tattoo kind of looks like shit') but thinks of himself as good looking overall. Puts a fair amount of effort into his appearance and is proud of it. He really likes getting passive interested attention (including from women) but will rapidly shift gears into being mean and standoffish when actually hit on (which isn't Particularly frequent but he's a known bachelor so occasionally gets people shooting their shot). Overall he's in the 'untortured' category and pretty comfortable with himself and how he's perceived (at least when it comes to attractiveness).

[yinwaryuri]

I cannot begin to summarize how Monster Next Door finally portrayed a flawed parent getting a good ending in a way that satisfied me. I have such beef with Thai BLs constantly giving our mains difficult parents, terrible asshole parents even, and then just justifying the way they treated their child like shit as being parental love and their kid accepts an apology (not you Bed Friend, the holy grail of giving shitty parents their due).

The tension between Diew and his mother, Kade, is obvious, and I was really afraid that the issue would be brushed off as casually as all the rest, due to my past viewing experiences. For a good portion of the show, she seemed overly concerned and harsh toward Diew and it really bothered me.

It was this visual that made things really click for me:

(also I'm sorry for the quality of photos of the show, Gaga now seems to turn the screen black when I try to take a screenshot on my laptop, so I took them with my phone)

Loss of a loved one is hard to talk about with strangers, but it's often more difficult to discuss it with other loved ones who knew them. Diew's father meant everything to him in his childhood because their personalities and dispositions made it easier to enjoy spending time together. I cannot speak as a parent, but I can only imagine the loneliness generated by the loss of a partner (losing a main emotional support you now desperately need) and then watching your child deal with grief by withdrawing from you (a child you have, up until now, not established a relationship as close as your late partner had).

God had the fortune of meeting Diew in the present, and that allowed him to get to know him without any preconceived notions of who he was to influence that development. Kade didn't have that luxury; being a parent means seeing your child through every stage of life and adapting to the changes that come with them. I can only imagine how much harder that had to be when she became a single mother and the clash of personalities made it significantly harder to connect. At some point, she clearly clung to a version of Diew that at least made her feel relevant by presenting her love as wanting to remove all possible worries.

Grieving separately being the main wedge between them runs with some of the themes of the show, I believe. We've watched God and Diew grow together and sort out their differences because ultimately they wanted the same thing - to show they are interested and care for each other - but their challenges presented mostly in how they went about it. Diew and his mother also care about each other. The strain is part of that love and how it has also been weighed down by years of misunderstanding and uncertainty.

Kade recognizing her failure to meet Diew in the middle and letting him know how she felt about it was HUGE to me. So many people will refuse to recognize the failure, and if they do recognize it they do not want to admit it for what it is, much less voice how they feel about it. Also disappointment in one's self as a mother, I believe, is incredibly relatable. It doesn't absolve all wrongs, but it's an incredibly important factor in being willing to do better.

She isn't blaming him here. She isn't using his feelings against him. She apologized without trying to erase what happened. She is simply letting him know that all she wanted was to be closer.

And then Diew seizes the moment. He's grown up and become someone less recognizable to the person she already didn't know very well. That doesn't mean they can't work things out.

Of course this is the solution. This is the green flag communication boyfriends show. But moreover, it's about realizing that life and people come with differences and changes and that doesn't mean that things have to go wrong or end badly. Often the fears that get built up in our heads - the monsters we first perceive them as - are not as scary as they seem, if they are at all. If growth is going to happen, we have to face them.

Excuse me while I sob in the corner, but this response makes Diew such an exceptional character to me. It demonstrates how he has changed from the beginning of the narrative but also remained true to himself. He has always needed someone patient and kind enough to listen to him as attentively as God does. Being heard for what he needs has done him wonders. His struggle to reveal the things that deeply hurt him and seeing how not sharing them can hurt the people he loves in return was an important lesson. Now that his mom has finally shared her pain, the pain that started years ago by no fault of either of them, he can extend that love toward her in a way he knows will reach her.

Diew and his mother are equal in how they can move forward. The relationship isn't treated like a hole in the wall to putty over, but truly something that can be built upon a newer and stronger foundation. I greatly enjoyed the finale as a whole, but this aspect of it tugged at my heart strings personally. I adore this show. Forever and ever.

[raayllum]

Amaya's arc (S1-S5)

On the surface, Amaya can come off as a very flawless character.

She's a total badass, she's gay and pretty, she sees through Viren's bullshit (er, droppings?), she's kind to those in her employ, she's loyal and forthcoming, she loves her nephews and her sister, and she's not unreasonable in her elf prejudice in addition to letting go of it fairly quickly. She's also Deaf / perceived as disabled (noted here as many Deaf people do not view themselves as disabled) and, in addition to being gay, that can sometimes make people overly sanitize a character due to notions of disability making someone (particularly women) more 'innocent' or 'pure' due to infantilization.

However, I've touched briefly on her main flaw of being callous and dismissive in the past, and I've always wanted to talk more about Amaya's general arc, specifically in how she grows in empathy throughout the seasons. So let's talk about it

Just a quick disclaimer: S2 will not be really touched on as she only appears in two episodes, and they mostly serve as plot set up for S3 rather than doing any real emotional work or characterization for her. Cool? Cool

Cyclical Limbo

Amaya in S1 both perpetuates the Cycle, and she doesn't. On the one hand, like Viren, she's deeply concerned with the safety of the Breach, enough so that she's willing to return to it and delegate the search mission to Gren rather than insist upon undertaking it herself.

She hates elves and considers them monsters, much the way Claudia does in S1. In spite of a lifetime of fighting Sunfire elves at the Breach, she considers Moonshadow elves to be "the worst kind" of elf, like a monolith of loathing and fear (perhaps because of their sneaky ways or associations with death).

At the same time, she's not purely an antagonistic force to anyone. Corvus, her trusted tracker, offers Rayla a deal that shows reason ("Give me the boys peacefully and I'll let you go") and, more importantly, she foils Viren's plans to be king with her entry and reaffirmation in 1x04 and 1x05. This leads to him not having the throne all the way until two seasons later, and is undeniably a good thing.

So while Amaya is an ally to the boys and an antagonist to Viren, this plants her firmly in the middle, of both perpetuating the cycle and helping to stop others from perpetuating it. We see her increased antagonism with the Sunfire elves in s2 lean along the former vein as well.

Until of course, we don't, and we get to the heart of Amaya's arc:

Seeing Yourself In Your Enemy

This is most evident in some ways in season three and season five, with season four being an effective turning point in a dual sort of way. We see this most clearly in her bond with Janai, as Amaya sees a fellow warrior in her and that encourages Janai "to do the same" over warrior's honour. The show ramps this up in 3x07, as Amaya witnesses and comforts Janai through the most devastating loss in Amaya's loss: that of a sister.

A: When I was growing up, my big sister Sarai was the smartest, strongest, bravest person I knew. When she died, I felt lost and weak without her. I hated feeling that way, so I learned to be strong alone. Stoic, strong, and lonely.

From this point onwards, her and Janai are allies in going to the Storm Spire and in fighting Viren. It's worth noting that Amaya had no knowledge of or reason to expect finding the boys when she arrived there, so she'd clearly decided to throw her lot in entirely with Janai and her troops and fight "until the last [person] standing" alongside them.

However, Amaya's expanding heart and loyalty doesn't mean all her elf related biases disappear overnight (the same Karim's reservations about humans don't), and this is where we get to season four. Much like in season one, Amaya here stands in a limbo position. She's marrying into the elven royal family, but isn't aligned with all their traditions, most notably the full significance of the Soul Candle and initially foreshadowed due to the messed up proposal dance.

Amaya is at first solely on Lucia's side, which makes sense; Amaya is more practical than not, and this is part of the reason she can make quick and fast but strong alliances and see through Viren's bullshit.

However, her old flaw of being dismissive and sometimes insensitive also comes back.

A: What do you mean 'injustice'? All Lucia has done is put out a candle. And she was the one who was burned. K: She profaned a sacred rite. What would the punishment be in the human kingdoms? A: For blowing out a candle? Usually come clapping, followed by a slice of birthday cake. K: You see? This is the problem! Like all the other humans, even your wife-to-be thinks this is a joke.

That said, it's not as though Amaya is wrong; we are, of course, supposed to understand immediately as audience members that while what Lucia did was wrong, sentencing her to death over it is also wrong and to root for her to live (even if, at this point, she likewise doesn't think she's done anything wrong).

I think it's doubly worth noting then, her speech at the trial that she gives for Lucia, and about herself:

I came here to defend Lucia, but now I see that I cannot. She is not innocent. Prince Karim is correct: she had every opportunity to consider the pain she could cause, and she did not. She was callous. She was careless. She was cruel. And in truth...

She places herself in Lucia's shoes. This is her amends to Karim for her insensitivity, and an extension of both support and consideration for the position Jana is in, as well as a plea.

But all I ask is that your justice is compassionate. Death is not the answer. We gain nothing if we throw away the chance to learn and grow.

This is, of course, a lesson Amaya has learned personally, through her relationship with Janai — first as an enemy turned friend, then as a lover turned wife — but, of course, through her relationship with Rayla, which she first hand acknowledges in S5:

But her arc with this general theme of empathy doesn't stop there. Not only is there a nice piece of irony with Amaya initially not believing Rayla's assertion that she's alone (even when Rayla arguably does):

A: 'We'? How many of you are there? R: It's just me. I'm alone. A: Liar.

5x04 gives the two women a chance to talk and reconcile beyond that, with Amaya reminding Rayla that she doesn't have to be alone, and that she can rely on the people around her. Namely, the very nephew Amaya once attacked Rayla to protect.

A: Love and trust grow a kind of strength that is much bigger than we each possess. To have that kind of strength, it is not enough to love someone. You have to trust them to share the burdens you carry.

Likewise, this scene also brings Amaya's arc of seeing herself in others full circle, as this parallel makes plain, as well as it being a parallel that Rayla is not only able to acknowledge, but it gets through to her:

R: That does sound like me sometimes. [...] Thank you.

While Amaya can still be coarse and is undeniably clever, she's softer, more open, and more compassionate than she was two years ago. Elves are no longer monsters. People are far more capable of change, herself included, her adaptability to life and its sudden swerves in many ways one of her greatest strengths. Amaya is a warrior yes, but more than that — like her friends and family, the people she surrounds herself with — she has an even bigger heart, when given the chance.

[bythepen98]

Fem!Izuku 💚

Technically a doodle since it only took me 2-3 hours to finish.

I know Horikoshi drew him as a girl with short hair but I like to imagine it longer, fluffy and styled like his mother's.

Not entirely sure how big of a difference growing up quirkless as a girl would be and how much that would've affected her once she entered UA but, again, I'm no author so I'll keep it simple:

As per my headcanon, she's still roughly the same with ofc more feminine mannerisms and I reckon there'd be some differences with her fighting style/patterns even when she's trying to imitate All might (bc I know I'd probably move different if I was a guy). She's still bestfriends with Iida and Ochaco but would also be closer to her other female classmates and would attend any scheduled hang outs with them unless it falls on a training day with All might or smtg--Girls night every other week or month once they enter the dorms.

Speaking of All might, he's already doting on male Izuku but he'll probably be even more protective if he was a girl (doesn't help that he's reminded of Nana when he sees her hairstyle). Aizawa doesn't believe in the notion that girls be automatically coddled bc of their gender but I'm sure after getting to know his number one problem child, he'll low-key be more sweet on her than the rest and is extra harsh during training bc he wants to make sure she can protect herself.

Izuku is exasperated but also appreciates it and would indulge them bc they're her dads.

Self indulgent thought: She has her hoard of admirers (villains included) but is extremely dense and anything but a blunt no nonsense confession to her face will be perceived as a reach out for friendship. Katsuki is her guard dog in these matters bc he definitely likes her but is being stupid about it, understandable considering their still unresolved-complicated past, so he takes it upon himself to keep away other dunces who think they can get lucky. Shouto and Hitoshi have a pass bc they're her friends, but he keeps an eye on them just in case.

Self indulgent thought #2: as a girl who grew up quirkless, she's def more sensitive when it comes to sa/ppl generally taking advantage of others and so would've snapped and had Mineta expelled on the first week, if not first day of class. That would've opened up a spot early for Hitoshi to join in. With Izuku's power of persuasion to wear down his i-didnt-come-here-to-make-friends stance and Hitoshi finding out that she was the reason for him getting into hero class so soon? The guy was an instant goner and never looked away since. The todoroki vs deku fight during the festival is a fixed event in my hc so Shouto fell in love there.

[yudrein-aile]

Second Gender Manifestations, Sexual Assault and the Law: Omegaverse in Turning

I got too invested after an earlier elaboration. As always, chapter references are in brackets.

Content warnings: human experimentation, rape, mutual-non con, assault, childhood sexual assault. Please be mindful while reading!

I’d be lying if I said that this topic has been haunting me since I started reading Turning. I picked this novel up specifically because it had the Omegaverse tag and I found myself intrigued. Would this story play it like most BL Omegaverse, following a more “traditional” set up or if the author was going to do something fun and new with it?

And new it was, brand new in fact. The concept of Alphas and Omegas is brand new in Turning. By the time the story starts, they’ve only existed for two years – and that is without knowing quite how long it took the population to figure out that second genders had even manifested. Kishiar awakened and went through his second gender manifestation at the same time (160), and is one of the first confirmed second gender Awakeners in the world (115), but Kishiar awakened as a male Alpha, which, from what we know so far, doesn’t appear to deviate as much from being a cis man in the first place.

Still, second gender manifestations were new, and immediately cause panic.

The Emperor of the Orr Empire and the Pope officially declared it the "second gender bestowed by the gods," and the general populace, who had been terrified that their own bodies might change at any moment, were greatly relieved. (3)

Second genders are not well received. Yuder tells us that in the first timeline, people are quick to start to discriminate against Omegas, who are believed to awaken weaker abilities and have weaker physical abilities. Their heat cycles are also stronger, as is their scent, quickly leading to the belief that they are sexual deviants, who can’t control their own scents, which can be detected even by non-Awakeners (3). This eventually leads to Omegas also being excluded from the Cavalry, despite the head of the Cavalry being an Omega himself (3).

Yuder was praised as the strongest Awakener on the continent, but even he wasn’t free of discrimination:

There had been countless people over the years who looked down on Yuder, an Omega, for being the leader of the Cavalry. Among the Awakeners, there were many who refused to acknowledge him. (4)

Not only is Yuder an Omega who allegedly slept his way to power – more on that notion later – but he’s also a “broken” one as he doesn’t perceive scents or experience a heat cycle. (4) All of this reveals a prejudice that mirrors real-life misogyny well enough, which is quite fascinating considering Turning itself appears to have little societal misogyny, women are fully legally equal citizens to men, and a woman inheriting titles or such is not forbidden, but even welcome in some cases (Myra el Herne) and they are even high-ranking in the army while married with children (Meghna Cuglieva). This makes the particular discrimination Omegas face quite interesting as it appears to not just be a straight-up copy of discrimination that women already face.

And clearly, even within the Awakener community, there grows a perception of what Omegas should be like. Yuder, during his time as Commander, had to deal with people sneaking into his bedroom “claiming they could suppress the scentless Omega Commander with their scents” (190) aka attempting to “fix” him, not unlike the rhetoric used particularly around queer people. While Yuder speaks of “suppressing” here, to me, it reads more as though their intention was sexual assault. The fact that Yuder’s solution to this was beating them up until their “dicks were broken” (190) appears to support that.

One, further, explanation for the discrimination Omegas, particularly male omegas, might face is the fact that they can get pregnant. While there appears no disgust per se at the notion, Lenore and Beltreil’s conversation about Kishiar’s second gender, at the very least, drips with mockery, it is a worthy consideration:

"I'm not sure. Didn't uncle say it's difficult to distinguish just by appearance? But I would prefer it if it were the Omega." "Why is that?" "Wouldn't it be nice if God granted at least the mercy of nurturing an imperial heir directly to someone who is destined not to have children? Especially considering how blessed he is."

Clearly, they are making fun of him here, especially since Kishiar is considered Tall Handsome ManTM, but perhaps in there lies the truth, that even the body of a man like him could be changed without his input, feminized in a way. It is in particular why I love Kishiar so much when he interacts with Yuder, all typically “feminine” character traits, interest in fashion, dancing, being chatty, are regaled to Kishiar and not Yuder. But also I would kill for an Omega Kishiar AU in case anyone feels inspired. Moving on-

We know that talking about second genders becomes a taboo topic within years of them becoming more common knowledge as Yuder notes that, opposed to now, two years after they appeared, “in a few more years, openly asking about someone's secondary gender would become impolite” (20). Yuder calls this current state of talking about it easily, without shame or stigma “liberating” (20). Perhaps the closest real-world comparison to this is going from trans* friendly space where discussing gender happens nearly casually, to being thrust into the open world, where every discussion of your gender is immediately tied to an expected performance and tied to a sexual connotation. But we’re not here for the real world, but for this fantasy novel so let’s continue and take a quick look at how second gender manifestation actually works.

Second Gender Manifestation aka Puberty, but WorseTM

In chapter 156, Yuder summarizes quite neatly what they know of how second gender manifestation works.

Being an Awakener did not necessarily mean one would undergo second gender manifestation. Furthermore, those who did experience the second gender manifestation didn't all manifest in the same way. Typically, signs of upcoming changes would manifest as persistent low-grade fevers or pain over a few days, followed by a slow transformation while being sick for nearly a week. However, there were individuals who unpredictably spewed out all the pain in a single moment, undergoing a sudden change. […] The onset of the first in-heat period after manifestation varied as well. Some would not experience their first in-heat period for a long time after the second gender manifestation, while others would enter their in-heat period immediately after. The cause of this variance remained unknown despite research from previous lives. The only known fact was that those who awakened their power and experienced second gender manifestation simultaneously underwent the transformation with the least amount of pain. (156)

So what I’d argue second gender manifestation boils down to is:

You’re sick.

It hurts, depending on your combination of awakening/manifestation, that could be a lot.

You manifest as either Alpha or Omega.

You get a scent out of it.

The other important note that Yuder notes pretty much from the start of the novel is that no Awakener of the opposite gender should be present during the manifestation (28) as this causes “problems”. Problems is a very mild way of paraphrasing “sexual assault”. But let’s take a step back before we address that part and take a look at 3. first.

To boil it down, Alphas are capable of impregnating anyone of the opposite gender, while Omegas can get pregnant, either regardless of their first gender (3). Canon does not exactly elaborate on what that means for Alpha females or Omega males, beyond their body changing somehow. (I mean. 618 does, uh, imply cervix penetration IMO but let’s leave that discussion for another time.)

Yuder notes that “most Alphas felt a distinct desire only for Omegas” (37), but considering Yuder brings that up in the context of it being unfathomable why Kishiar is flirting with him, I’d not exactly consider that truthful, but more a reflection of Yuder not being able to grasp why Kishiar would want to do anything with him without his second gender manifestation forcing them. Additionally, at the time the novel was still going to include the concept of Betas.

Now, let’s get back to the word the novel continuously avoids, whether that is intentional, or a reflection of Yuder’s point of view, but even without spelling it out: rape is more than just alluded to.

When Yuder departs East with Gakane and Jimmy, Kishiar warns him that Jimmy shows signs of second gender manifestation. Yuder’s reaction to that is worrying whether this might prompt his own second gender awakening as there are rumors that somebody experiencing second gender manifestation might trigger another (112). This is more or less confirmed later during Beltreil’s research (132).

His second, more concerning worry, is whether Gakane, an Alpha Awakener, might become a threat if Jimmy manifests as an Omega (68). Why is it a problem if Gakane is there if Jimmy, who is twelve, manifests as an Omega? Yuder speaks of the need to be strong enough to isolate them (68). What this spells out to me is, in the end, Yuder worrying about whether Jimmy’s second gender manifestation would trigger Gakane and whether this might escalate into Gakane assaulting him. This is, frankly speaking, absolutely horrifying. Jimmy is a kid, everyone treats him like a kid when it concerns potentially emotionally damaging topics (67) and Gakane is probably even more of a green flag than Kishiar.

Yuder is, plainly, worried about an instinctual reaction and lack of control. Now the question is, is this realistic?

Hate to say it, but Turning hasn’t really given us much to prove the opposite. First of, in universe people don’t know much about second gender awakening in the first place, never mind what it means for someone so young.

It is said that when Jimmy manifested “many were worried about his manifestation at such a young age, [but] Jimmy rather enjoyed it” (116). This does fit a little more with the vibes we get when Gakane and Jimmy talk about his second gender manifestation earlier. When Jimmy worries about his manifestation, he links it to becoming an adult. That reads a lot more like the discourse surrounding preconceived notions about what starting to menstruate is like/means (89). So it could honestly be that Jimmy, or any kid, awakening as an Omega around an adult second gender awakening triggers more “yeah that’s a kid, gotta take care of the kid” instead of anything sexual, but neither we nor Yuder knows that.

What we do know is the opposite.

Yuder is more than just apprehensive of his own second gender manifestation. During the first timeline, Yuder’s second gender manifestation is sudden and overlaps with Kishiar’s near heat, causing Kishiar to lose control. Yuder describes him as “beast-like” (301) and he hardly has any memories of the incident.

While he was tangled up, he did not know whether the place had changed or whether days and nights had passed, but he continually felt as if something inside him was being ripped apart and was being messily mixed with something that came from outside. The pain, as if something unseen and ragged pieces were arbitrarily stitched together. (301)

None of the words Yuder uses to describe his second gender manifestation are kind. If anything, they make me a little nauseous.

Yuder, however, could not comprehend the 'pleasant moments' they referred to. He failed to see what was refreshing or enjoyable about losing control of oneself. For him, being a second gender Awakener was a source of agony. The single heat experience that had come and gone with his manifestation was a source of shame, and the powerless time when he could not control himself was a horror he did not even wish to imagine in dreams.

He speaks of pain, a loss of control, shame – it summons the image of suffering from the aftereffects of a date rape drug. He barely remembers what happened to him, he recalls the dizzy aftermath.

Why did the traces of that path feel like screams? […] It was the pain of a naive and awkward emotion dying. He didn't know what he had hoped for, but he knew he hadn't wished for this, and thus, a mournful moan escaped him. (613)

Yuder very much did not consent to this and didn’t want it – and neither did Kishiar! Turning has done an incredibly good job at leading up to this, pointing out the loss of control. Much earlier already, Yuder remembers part of the conversation he has with Kishiar in the aftermath, during which Kishiar apologizes and affirms it’s not Yuder’s fault and also that he doesn’t know what happened, but that he will figure it out (142, 159). We know Kishiar figured something out for sure, even if not everything, but that also makes you wonder. We know they kept hooking up, we also know that Yuder carries the trauma of that experience with him. When he experiences his second gender manifestation in the second timeline, he’s afraid and thinks the outcome is almost inevitable.

"Yuder Aile. Whatever you're afraid of now, I promise it will never happen. Won't you trust me?" [...] Overwhelmed by heat, self-loathing, and confusion, Yuder sighed and closed his eyes. Even his gasping sounds felt disgustingly repulsive, making his stomach churn (160).

It’s not, but we also know Kishiar was holding himself to an unexpected degree and had the luck of not being near his own heat cycle.

Additionally, we know that Yuder wants guidelines on how to handle second gender manifestations because of incidents in the first timeline. It’s not entirely impossible that similar situations of (near) mutual non-con happened.

And this, finally, brings us to a part of the novel that I honestly when I read was appalled, but didn’t fully grasp until later.

The Apeto Experiments

Beltreil’s experiments are absolutely horrifying. We don’t actually see the experiments themselves, but we learn the results of his experiments. The goal was to figure out whether Awakener children could fix the curse on their bloodline (462), which is why they were so keen to get second gender awakeners (95).

What Beltreil concludes from the experiments is this:

Second gender manifestation in one Awakener, can trigger the same in another non-manifested one. (132)

In Alphas and Omegas who have reached their mating cycles, sexual attraction always occurs, though to varying degrees. (184)

Even if one party is not in heat, sexual attraction can occur, but the probability of copulation appears to be extremely low if one party is in a normal state. (184)

Pregnancy does not always result from copulation between Alphas and Omegas who have reached their mating cycles. (184)

Physical reactions manifest such as scent, along with heightened senses, sexual arousal, excessive protectiveness, a sense of unity surpassing camaraderie. (184)

Awakeners who have manifested their second gender become vulnerable during heat. (184)

The chance of a child being born between second gender Awakeners is extremely low. No child has been born safely, resulting in either miscarriage or in the sudden death of the parent. (462)

And then we have to ask, how exactly did Beltreil conclude all of this? Well, the way he came about his results is written down quite directly.

He had gathered powerless commoners who had Awakened from all over the empire, almost kidnapping them. Initially, he attempted to transform himself into an Awakener by exchanging his blood with theirs, but after failing, he moved on to forcing Awakeners with second gender to conceive children, with the intention of observing the process. (462)

Or to put it more plainly: He locked them in a cell and forced people to rape each other, probably either under conditions similar to Kishiar and Yuder’s case waiting for them to lose control, or by forcing them. During the trial, one Awakener brings up many dying due to “vomiting blood due to the drugs they were forced to consume, drugs that were purported to induce heat period” (209).

Just carefully read through the list above, and try to imagine under what circumstances you’d find the conditions for this. While we can’t be sure this is particularly correct – Kishiar notes how inhuman the conditions of these experiments were and that these writings should not be believed – he does put some belief in it, considering how careful he is not to knock Yuder up (462, 620).

Beltreil started his experiments a year ago, so just a year after Awakeners appeared. For there to be miscarriages to happen which even resulted in the death of the parent, suggesting they probably happened later during the pregnancy, he probably rather quickly stopped the whole blood transfusion and switched over to assault. In the first timeline, Yuder never learns of this, but he isn’t particularly shocked this was happening either. At the very start, Yuder already notes that some omegas “were even kidnapped and used as sexual playthings by aristocrats who coveted rare and peculiar possessions” (3).

So now let’s talk about what the Orr Empire (didn’t) do about this.

Laws and Regulations in the Orr Empire

So Yuder notes that “in the past, laws could only be established after numerous accidents had occurred” (38) and that he “had gone through a lot of trouble to push through regulations and laws related to the second gender, against the opposition of greedy nobles” (68). From this we conclude that in the first timeline, due to Kishiar mcfucking dying, Yuder was the one pushing for laws and regulations regarding second gender manifestation, but probably Awakeners in general.

They have to deal with kidnapping, human experimentation, slavery, assault – a continuously long list of hurt. And this is in the Orr Empire – the best place to be an Awakener on the continent. Every other country is worse, except, perhaps, Nelarn later on, because Ejain is an Awakener himself.

One of the issues Yuder also had is that “there were hardly any scholars conducting proper research on the abilities and physical changes of the Awakeners and it was nearly impossible for the leader of the Cavalry, who came from a commoner background, to correct misconceptions and prejudice alone” (68).

This is important because this means that the preconceived notions of Awakeners are what determine the law. Omega Awakeners are weak, Awakeners in heat are sexual beings.

Yuder notes that “rumors began to circulate that perverse, wealthy individuals were buying Omegas for their alleged enhancing or aphrodisiac properties, even though no evidence supported such claims” (585).

If you really want to push it through, then laws and regulations are needed because otherwise you could – and I’m sure that in universe they did – argue that it isn’t assault if an Awakener is in heat. They’re asking for it, after all.

And Yuder in the past did what he could, from having rooms set aside for people to safely spend their heat for example.

During his time as a Commander, Yuder used various local branches as shelters to protect Omegas going through their heat periods. Anyone experiencing an impending heat period could visit a Cavalry branch, receive sleeping medicines, and use the isolation facilities. (585)

The fact that this was necessary, speaks miles about the conditions at the time were like. So it makes sense that Kishiar, now in the second timeline, quickly wants to bring about proper laws concerning Awakeners as there is “still no formal law concerning those with the second gender” (520), even if we know that by 583 they’re working on it – one can only assume that once Kishiar and Yuder get back from the North, Keilusa’s clean up will have included some changes towards that.

Conclusion

Do I have a final conclusion? This is already 2k longer than I wanted it to be. I think in the end, what this essay boils down to can be summoned up as “the treatment of second gender Awakeners was horrific” and “a lot of Yuder’s reactions and beliefs regarding his own second gender (manifestation) can be directly traced back to this.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

People don’t listen to warnings.

It’s a thing.

For a while I became obsessed by a video recorded on the day of the 2004 Southeast Asian tsunami. It shows an older white guy, probably a tourist, standing on the beach in Thailand watching as the water recedes and the tsunami comes into view. As people run, as the wave grows, he just stands there. People start shouting at him, desperately pointing to the wave, trying to warn him. The wave grows, rushing closer and closer. Even now when I watch this video I still think he’s going to move. Of course he never moves. He doesn’t move an inch. The wave comes ashore and swallows him. —Nate Bear, “Staring at The Tsunami”

Every time a hurricane hits, some people choose to stay even if they have the resources to leave. In fact, research indicates that 35-50 percent of residents leave during mandatory evacuation warnings. During Hurricane Ian in 2022, about 62 percent of residents evacuated. Evacuation orders only increase someone’s willingness to evacuate by about 4-6 percent. When governments aggressively enforce evacuation orders in dangerous areas, 90 percent comply.

The rest of them stay.

According to one study, about 60-70 percent of those who don’t evacuate have said it’s because they don’t have anywhere to go and can’t afford a hotel. That group includes the unemployed, the homeless, and the vulnerable. During Hurricane Helene, thousands of inmates have been left behind.

What about the ones who can leave?

These numbers line up with the rest of our problems. Time and again, about 60 percent of us listen to warnings. Many people want to listen but don’t have the resources to protect themselves. About 10-20 percent have the resources, but they refuse to take warnings seriously.

They’re the hurricane headbanger, but not as famous.

I’ve got a feeling that the hurricane headbanger can take care of himself, but there’s a large portion of the population who thinks they can take care of themselves when they can’t. This group routinely shrugs off warnings. When things get really bad, they soak up resources that should go to the ones who really need them, the ones who can’t evacuate, the ones who can’t protect themselves.

We’re not here to make light of natural disasters. We’re here to understand why, as we face an increasing number of devastating threats, a growing number of people don’t want to take them seriously. There’s a range of theories, including what Neil Weinstein called unrealistic optimism, the notion that people routinely believe bad things are more likely to happen to someone else.

Here’s another theory:

A psychologist at Duke University named Jack Brehm figured out this problem in the 1960s. He called it reactance. He published a handful of articles about it followed by a book titled A Theory of Psychological Reactance. His book inspired 60 years of research on the topic. It even informed the popular psychological trick known as reverse psychology. Brehm discovered something you've seen a lot over the last few years. When you try to influence someone's actions, they resist. When people feel a threat to their perceived independence, they get angry.

They try to restore their freedom.

They might ignore the warning. They might make fun of you. They might pitch a fit. They might punch you in the face.

It depends.

Reactance means that the ones who don’t listen to warnings perceive the loss of their freedom as the greatest threat of all.

They protect it at all costs.

Everyone has their own reactance scale. It lives on a spectrum. At one end, you have collectively minded people. They tend to focus on the greater good. They're more likely to give up certain freedoms if it means avoiding death and destruction. On the other end, you have rugged individualists who see almost every warning or suggestion as a threat to their personal freedom.

Here's the weird part:

An individualist will get angrier if a friend or relative tries to influence their behavior in a way that threatens their sense of personal freedom.

They're also more likely to resist advice or information coming to them through anyone promoted as an expert or authority figure. You'd think the opposite would be true, that individualists would be more inclined to listen to people among their ingroup. Nope, their thinking isn't rooted in logic.

It's rooted in narcissism.

The harder you try to influence them, the worse it gets.

They only become more aggressive.

Brehm found that you can't even do a favor for someone on the extreme end of the reactance spectrum. They feel pressure to return the favor.

They hate that.

People can also feel vicarious reactance.

In other words, they'll get angry if they see someone else getting angry about perceived losses to their personal freedom. They'll defend someone else's right to do something stupid, simply because it's their right.

Censoring or restricting someone's freedoms can often enhance the attractiveness of that freedom. It's the forbidden fruit at work. Take something away, and that's suddenly all they want to do. Tell them to wear a seatbelt. Tell them smoking is bad for them. Suddenly, it's the cool thing to do.

You can trigger someone's reactance overtly by using controlling language. But you can also trigger it indirectly, even accidentally. If someone happens to associate a request or a warning with something negative in their life, like a controlling spouse, then they're less likely to listen.

A lot of people get a real kick out of ignoring warnings. They enjoy disregarding advice from experts. They love harassing and ridiculing those of us who do take threats and warnings seriously.

It elevates them.

Individualists only tend to take warnings seriously when a threat becomes absolute. They wait until the volcano erupts. They wait until the waves crash ashore. They wait until the flames lick their skin. Only then do they react, and it's usually a panic-driven response to save themselves. They don't do anything to help anyone else, and their panic causes problems for everyone else.

There's a cultural component.

You see less reactance in more collectivist societies. You see more reactance in individualist societies. I think we can all agree that western countries, especially the U.S., pride themselves on their individual freedoms. Every single day, Americans celebrate their right to act stupid and do dangerous things.

It's getting to be a real pathology over here.

So, what can you do?

The research suggests you have to be as indirect and neutral as possible when trying to influence someone's behavior.

Even then, you might fail.

Again, it depends. You can be direct with some people. And with others, there's pretty much nothing you can do. You just have to leave them alone. We've seen how well neutral, indirect attempts work at getting individualists to change their behavior. Maybe you'll avoid making them angry, but they'll likely just ignore you, even laugh at you. So as we stare down more threats, along with all the other consequences of an overheated planet, don't be shocked at all the reactance you see. Don't be surprised when you see people wanting to cuddle with birds and drink unpasteurized milk, simply because someone told them it's a bad idea right now. By trying to help someone, you triggered their reactance. I wrote the first draft of this post a year ago. Since then, as predicted, sales of raw milk jumped 21 percent after reports of bird flu in milk samples earlier this year.

If there’s no hope of convincing some of these people, then we have to do the next best thing. We have to push back. We have to limit their influence on others, to try to contain the damage. We live in a society that spends far too much time platforming, rewarding, and catering to the reactance crowd. We give them too much credibility, which they’ve used to virtually destroy our institutions.

People don’t listen to warnings.

It’s a thing.

[1863-project]

Something I've noticed I do in my writing a lot is explore the idea of different ways to be a woman, and how so many of them haven't been deemed the "right" way to do it, which seems to have increasingly narrow criteria these days at any rate.

The three main female characters of 21st Century Unlimited follow that pattern too, with none of them really feeling like they can perform that extremely specific notion of womanhood and femininity that society values, but they all go about it differently and have different (complicated) feelings about it. Their experiences with race, sexuality, and neurotype also play a role here, because those elements are absolutely a factor in real life.

Engineer is specifically based on my own experiences as an autistic cishet woman with an autoimmune thyroid disorder. In her mind her interests and fashion sense are gender neutral, but society deems them - and by extension her - masculine simply by not being "feminine" enough. She dresses for comfort for the most part and is almost always in overalls or a coverall, and due to the nature of her work and hobbies she tends to get covered in grease. Her thyroid disorder has given her some weight gain that she's dysmorphic about because she thinks it makes her look misshapen or even pregnant, and that adds a lot to her body issues because she was already bullied growing up for not being able to meet that extremely specific standard of girlhood. She describes it as feeling like she was "bad at being a girl" as a kid. She doesn't wear makeup because of sensory issues and has huge eyebags because she's chronically fatigued and overworks herself on top of that, and refers to herself in the present as a "baggy-eyed train gremlin."

All of Engie's past life experiences - childhood bullying, being ostracized from train stuff as a kid because she was a girl, an emotionally abusive friendship in college - have shaped her relationship with the concept of womanhood in various ways. She consistently feels unattractive - "I'm the sort of woman men don't notice at best and are repulsed by at worst" - and is absolutely stunned when her crewmate Conductor reciprocates her feelings and they become a couple (whilst still acting like the best friends they actually are). It takes her a long time to get used to the idea that she's an acceptable woman, perhaps even an appealing one, because she's spent most of her life up to this point being told at nearly every juncture that she was doing it wrong. A big part of her story is about her coming to terms with all of this and learning to allow herself to just be.

In her mind, she wishes she was more like Fireman and Assistant Conductor in some ways, because they're able to do the things she can't. Fireman is able to just be herself without caring what people around her think and doesn't see the need to perform femininity at all. Assistant Conductor is deeply feminine and dresses the part out of work uniform, and people are drawn to her sense of style. Since she can't do either of these things Engie feels like she's in a sort of no-man's land with regards to womanhood and how she experiences it a lot of the time - she's too self-conscious to not care what anyone thinks, and she's too messy and tired and has too many sensory issues to perform for other people. She's resigned herself to invisibility, of having her gender essentially erased by other people, because she knows she can't be what people want her to be and there's no point in making herself uncomfortable to do it. She's already chronically exhausted, and at any rate she's still in a deeply male environment and she knows that if she does certain things in a feminine way there are still men who will unfairly perceive her as weaker or less competent. She knows she has to work twice or three times as hard for that recognition. In some ways, she contributes to her own erasure, because she has to carry herself the way she does to avoid being ostracized from her own field and to be taken seriously, but she also doesn't have the ability to perform femininity in the first place because it's an increasingly narrow social construct that she doesn't fit into.

Fireman, by contrast, has chosen to exist entirely outside of the construct of femininity, and she revels in it. Taller (5'7") and more muscular than Engineer is, she keeps her hair short and wild, has thick eyebrows that she has no interest in trimming or shaving, works the most physically laborious job on the entire train, and is crass, loud, and uncouth. (As late as her teens, she had long black hair that went down to her mid-back, but as an adult her hair is cropped short and dyed bright orange because no one believed her when she said she was half-Scottish and she got sick of it). She hustles men at billiards in bars and gets into fights. Her immediate family is generally used to this by now, although there is occasional friction between her and her mother, who expected less of a wild child - Fireman's Bengali mother has been known to refer to her daughter as "my child, Kali" before due to her destructive, chaotic nature - "she won't notice how carried away she is unless someone steps in to show her." Her Scottish father shrugs and jokingly attributes it to her Glaswegian heritage via his half of the family.

Fireman makes no attempts to disguise the fact that she's a woman, and indeed she identifies as one and isn't afraid to wear more feminine clothing for formal occasions, namely the tartan sari that she has to represent both parts of her family. Despite this, she is still not infrequently mistaken for a man until people notice her large chest, which she generally finds funny, especially if the person who made the mistake is flustered or embarrassed. She regularly introduces herself to people she doesn't know as "your favorite blazing bisexual butch Bengali" with the confidence of someone who expects to be well-known, even though she's well aware that these people don't know her at all - it's funnier that way. She makes no secret of her bisexuality and is open about the fact that she enjoys men who are weaker than she is, but likes women who "could kill her" (and says "anyone interesting" could catch her eye if they're non-binary). She doesn't see a need to fit herself into a little box and just chooses to live exactly as she is.

Arguably the fact that she's not straight gives her what she feels is more freedom in this regard, because she doesn't feel a need to shape herself for men's approval or acceptance. It is, however, a double-edged sword, because her extended family living elsewhere doesn't know what to think about her, and she often receives offhanded comments from older relatives about "settling down" and acting "more like a woman." She tries not to care about this, and she generally doesn't, but the comments do still hurt, because in her mind she isn't any less of a woman for being who she is, and she knows a lot of it is inherently tied to homophobia and societal mores. She purposely carries herself with a devil-may-care attitude to deflect as much of it as she can, but deep down she does know and she does carry it with her and it makes her dig in her heels even more. There is also the element of her non-whiteness, which means in the mind of many TERFs and others, she can't possibly be a woman, because she's big and strong and has brown skin. Femininity is often held to a standard of white womanhood, which means that even if Fireman was the most feminine member of the crew, she still would have an uphill battle to fight to be seen as a woman on par with the alleged arbiters of femininity.

Which brings up Assistant Conductor. AC is the tallest crew member at 6'0" even, and she has the slender, willowy build of a model. She's deeply feminine and loves fashion, experimenting with makeup in creative and fun ways with techniques she learned from her professional makeup artist mother. She takes her fashion cues from Japanese street fashion and has played with sweet lolita looks at conventions. When she's not wearing her uniform hat, she sticks huge bows in her hair. She loves all things cute, enjoys pink and pastels, and would perhaps be seen as the pinnacle of femininity by society...if she wasn't a Black lesbian.

AC's approach to womanhood is different from both Engineer and Fireman's, but her inherent interest in more "feminine" things doesn't mean she doesn't have to struggle to be considered "acceptable," either. In her case, both her race and her sexuality are factors - as a Black woman no matter what she does, even if she were to try to act "white," she would exist outside of the extremely narrow confines of womanhood that society has defined via cisgender heterosexual white women, because her features and culture inherently exclude her from that little "club." Moreover, the fact that she is a lesbian further removes her and others her, regardless of how feminine she actually is. AC ends up, not unlike Engineer, caught between two worlds, as although she is deeply feminine and clearly enjoys being a woman, she also suffers from femme erasure and is frequently falsely assumed to be heterosexual. She tries to deflect this as much as possible by mentioning that she has a girlfriend who works in the stationmasters' office and they live together, but her feminine nature means that many people dismiss "girlfriend" in this context as meaning simply "female friend" instead of "partner."

In the scheme of things, AC is easily the most stereotypically feminine member of the crew. She isn't doing the hard labor Engineer and Fireman are in the cab, and she's handling the passengers with serenity and grace (although this requires some heavy masking). Her ticket hole punch makes heart shapes. Her lipstick and eyeshadow are always perfectly matched and her mascara never clumps. And yet, none of that is enough, and she's on the outside looking in, too.

It's important to note that all three of these women are cisgender, as well. Were they trans, they would likely experience even more alienation from this extremely narrow scope of womanhood than they already do, but the fact that this definition that is seeping into so many places excludes many cisgender women - and, of course, intersex women regardless of how they identify - is a problem too. All three of these characters feel the way they do because American womanhood has been turned into an exclusive club by society, and if you don't meet the exact criteria, you don't get to be a full member no matter how you identify yourself or who you feel you are. Gender identities aren't only for the people who can perform them to your exacting standards, and these extremely strict definitions hurt everyone.

[analy-sing-stuff]

Hi overthinkers :D

After a really messy gap of three years, I finally red "Boy meets Maria" and I'll never be able to express how much this short story made my heart ache and melt. I can't believe I took so long because it's pure genius how it's written, and it's so SO sad we won't get anymore of it.

Anyways, let me yap a bit about it because I got SO MUCH to say, especially towards Arima's gender. I'll try to be as respectful as I can and use they/them referring to them regardless of the conclusion I take.

⚘️ spoilers ahead ⚘️

Both of the main characters are SO WELL WRITTEN in a way I've rarely seen in media these days!

"Boy meets maria" is a comic novel that makes us question so many things we have barely thought about in modern society, being them specially gender roles and norms, or how abuse comes in all sizes, shapes and colors.

Let's start with Taiga!

In a way, Taiga is the "least complex" character in this mangá. His concept is simple; he lost his mom when he was very young, his dad was irresponsible taking care of a child and drowning on his drinking addiction, and after growing up with all that, Taiga decides he wants to be a hero.

The meaning of a hero to Taiga is, simply explained, to be this great GREAT person. He wants to be a famous actor, succeed in life, and have this beautiful girlfriend to "save".

To be short, Taiga decides he doesn't want to be like his dad. His bright personality is basically his way of getting better, of being happy, and most important of all, of helping people.

I guess we can say Taiga is a very deeply conflicted character. looking for his way to the top on theater, I'd say this is him leaving his past behind and looking ou to show the world he is worth something, looking for something that may bring back to him the feeling of control contrasting how much he couldn't help but just watch his mother slowly die, and how weak he felt not knowing she was already being hurt by his father all along.

Let's say that the reason he's looking for a perfect girl for him to act like this perfect hero also has to do with the passing of his mom and the absence of his father, because to him, this is one unconscious second chance of treating a girl right and having a happy ending.

Then things don't go exactly as planned, and he meets Arima 😍

You see, Arima is a BIG part of Taiga's reality check because boy is completely HEAD OVER HEALS. Mind you, i saw some people saying they kind of cringed because of the way he acted and that he was unrealistic or a "manic pixie boy," and I totally disagree, I disagree even harder because I do know boys like him in real life and I can assure sometimes this big extroverted person is nothing more than a nod to the neglected child they were on the past.

So, yeah, when he chases Arima through the hall, this is basically him saying "don't say no to me, because I need this 😃 um excuse me, 😀 I need to be happy 🙂 dont say no" , and it's so persistent Arima ACTUALLY has to show him their genitals...so...uh...kinda crazy, huh?

But surprisingly, this is not a big deal to them if not for the inconvenience, and I'll say more, They lost all their notion of decency way before their childhood Trauma

Let's talk about Maria...No! Sorry, I mean...

Let's talk about Arima

Arima is a complex character that I appreciate so much due to never seeing a representation like them in media before.

I'd like to say that I'll not get into the sexual abuse too much because this may get too long, and it's sort of a sensitive topic for me, but I might mention it later if I feel like it.

Arima, since very little, was forced to be perceived as a girl by his mom, a type of abuse called forced feminization, where, well, you force a vulnerable individual to use exaggerated accessories that would match better a woman according to the known gender norm.

It was clear, However, that Arima never had a normal childhood being perceived as a girl, since none of what they had was granted because they wished, it was what their mom wished to fullfill HER wishes, and so on Arima felt like a boy but had to keep the image of being a girl solid and intact, after all, it was all they knew.

This is really big on their relationship with Taiga, since they basically reverse roles when they mature

This pannel, for example, is screaming gender roles, with Arima being stuck to pink and girl toys while Taiga is surrounded by all types of boy toys. This pannel has, also, big foreshadowing for their image of a hero when they were little. While Taiga thinks he can be this awesome image of a savior he wished to become, Arima holds on to a hero, shyly showing that not only they need to be who they truly are, since this is also the only toy on the picture that they hold on and that they're trully interested, but they also look for a saviour, someone who could take them out of the feeling of not belonging, someone who could understand what they need. The only thing also separating both of them is a flower, which is much symbolical to their different perspective growing up and the curious impact of Taiga's dad in their lives.

The cover for this mangá is the paralel we get from the back, and honestly, it's so beautiful how it doesn't necessarily mean it is about Arima detaching from their feminity, Rather just how much Taiga helped them realize they don't need to look feminine to be accepted and fullfill anyone's wishes.

To me, at the end of chapter 6, it's most likely that yes, Arima might be a boy suffering from detachment of something that they knew since they were very little, the role of a girl; AND HEAR ME OUT! THE THEATHER CONTEXT WAS GENIOUS!!!

Arima, their whole life, were assigned as this little girl, that deep down, was unhappy with their identity.

Then they go through this horrible fucking abuse and they feel vulnerable and weak,and they say, well, I'm a boy. That's it, that's who I always was.

And then, they go to their first play and they play as a boy, and they act (literally) as a boy, but the second their abuser is there to see them, (motherfucker) they lose it.

They lose it because, in the first place, all that happened to them was because of the rumor they weren't really a girl, and concluding that, they run away from their real them to avoid facing their trauma and their identity.

So Arima only acts as a girl on plays (literally) despite acting so well as a male character, hiding their talent and their feelings from everyone.

Until Taiga appears and never give up on them, which is beautiful.

And then, in the end, we understand that maybe they are not a boy, maybe they are not a girl, maybe they are both, maybe they are neither, but;

1. Their gender is not defined by what they look like

2. It's nobody's business

I can't put into words how well written this whole scene is. The way they mimick how the abuse was, the way they're scared of getting attached to someone again, the way they're mentally destroyed by the doubt and the feeling of weakness and how none of this matters because Taiga love's them.

No matter the gender, Taiga fell in love with Yuu.

And then they feel comfortable again, which seals pretty much this comic.

No matter which role (gender or theather lol) Yuu chooses, they'll always be Yuu Arima, and they'll always be special.

THAT'S IT OH MY GOD, I MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING, THIS TOOK ME SO LONG, ANYWAYS LOVE THEM SO SAD IT'S NOT A BIG SERIES BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD WTFF 🥹

[heavenboundhotel]

✨"NANCY"✨

Disclaimer: This character in particular covers a lot of heavy subject matter including eating disorders, severe mental illness, abuse, suicide, misogyny, and systemic racism. While other characters do and will have similar themes she's the one I'm most concerned about - everything about this rewrite is done in good faith and with understanding of some of the connotations of things Viv ignores in her writing, but if anyone finds this portrayal offensive genuinely please let me know and I will take it into account going forward.

Name: Aikawa Nami

Species/Origin: Sinner, Bug Demon

Gender/Pronouns: Female, She/Her

Sexuality: Unsure/Questioning

Year of Birth: 1933

Year of Death: 1957

Appearance:

Personality:

Nami is, at first glance, cheerful and friendly. She tends to try to tone herself down but does sometimes have difficulty controlling her energy and emotions - easily excited and easily overstimulated. She can be scatterbrained but does her best to appear put-together, a chronic people-pleaser with a fear of being seen as "too much". She has a deep discomfort and fear of uncleanliness, contamination OCD leading to extreme sanitation and avoidance behaviors and overwhelming anxiety. She soothes herself through things like collecting dolls, drawing, and singing to herself - compensating for a childhood she never got to experience. Because of ideals she was raised with, she holds a lot of internalized misogyny and a fixation on men due to the pressure to find a husband and be a proper housewife - easily opening herself up to mistreatment due to what she views as her "place" or role as a woman.

Backstory:

Nami Aikawa was born in 1933 in Los Angeles, California, to Japanese-American immigrants. From an early age, her boundless energy and vivid imagination set her apart, often frustrating her parents and teachers. Unbeknownst to her, these were early signs of ADHD—a condition poorly understood and heavily stigmatized in her community. Her struggles with focus and impulsivity frequently led to punishment at school and at home, reinforcing a growing belief that something was inherently wrong with her.

As World War II escalated, prejudice against Japanese-Americans intensified. At the age of nine, Nami and her family were forcibly relocated to a Japanese internment camp. The conditions were harsh: overcrowding, poor sanitation, and a constant atmosphere of fear and persecution. It was during this time that Nami developed severe contamination OCD, fixating on cleanliness as a way to assert control in an environment that felt overwhelmingly dirty and unsafe. Even after the war ended and her family was released, these compulsions lingered, shaping much of her daily life.

In the years that followed, Nami faced relentless societal pressure to conform to rigid gender roles, further compounded by her experience as a woman of color. To better assimilate into white American society, she began going by “Nancy,” distancing herself from her Japanese heritage in a desperate bid for acceptance. Embracing the ideals of 1950s domesticity, she became obsessed with the notion of being the perfect housewife, despite not yet being married. Nami meticulously maintained her appearance, convinced that beauty, thinness, and subservience were the only ways she could compensate for her perceived shortcomings. Her contamination OCD fueled a growing struggle with anorexia, as she began associating food with uncleanliness.

By her early twenties, Nami was deeply lonely and desperate for validation. She gravitated toward abusive men, mistaking their cruelty for love and believing it was her duty as a woman to endure it. One such relationship ultimately led to her demise. When her boyfriend fell ill, her contamination OCD spiraled out of control. Terrified of contracting his sickness, she began poisoning his food with cleaning products, convinced it would "cleanse" him. Overwhelmed by guilt and consumed by fear that she had also been infected, Nami ingested the same cleaning products in a desperate attempt to "purify" herself.

Nami’s arrival in Hell was marked by confusion and despair. Aimlessly wandering through Hell, she desperately tried to maintain her compulsive habits of order and cleanliness in a world that thrived on chaos.

It was during one of Alistair’s rare strolls outside his domain that he discovered her. Recognizing an opportunity, Alistair offered her a soul contract—promising her a semblance of purpose and security in exchange for managing parts of his operations.

Eager for stability and prone to interpreting male attention as romantic interest, Nami immediately misconstrued Alistair’s offer as an act of love. She agreed to the contract under the firm belief that he was infatuated with her, despite his repeated and dry assurances to the contrary. To this day, she playfully “rejects” his supposed advances, much to his bemusement, while remaining fiercely loyal to him. She often refers to him as her “dashing benefactor,” which he is somewhat charmed by. He holds affection towards her of his own, though purely platonic and somewhat condescending.

[cece693]

Hi, your tumblr is amazing, I loved discovering it. Can I make a request? About a slasher who discovers that the male reader is a serial killer as terrible as the ones in the real world. I'm not sure which one would fit best; I thought of Jason, Billy and Stu, maybe Michael or Norman Bates… whatever you think is best and/or are most familiar with.

Slashers With a Serial Killer Lover (Slashers x GN! Reader)

Sorry it took a while to complete this request but I was in a weird funk and uninspired. However, with this being more of a multi-character request/headcannon, it spurred me to complete it. I included the slashers you mentioned above, alongside Hannibal, Will (I'm aware he's not a slasher, but I just love him) and Patrick. I also changed it to be gender neutral because I want to be more inclusive :)

Norman Bates

Norman would be conflicted—after all, you're not only worried about his reaction but that of 'mother.' If your actions pleased her, Norman might be supportive. However, if they don't and 'mother' perceives you to be a threat, expect Norman to turn against you (with tears in his eyes.) However, even if 'mother' does approve of your hobby, this relationship is far from simple. 'Mother' might grow jealous of how much Norman is straying from her teachings and become vengeful. Expect a chaotic rollercoaster of guilt, affection, and psychological breakdowns.

Michael Myers

Michael would be indifferent to your hobby unless they interfered with his own objectives. He might view you as a tool or an ally in his pursuits, but wouldn't engage emotionally or ethically about whom you kill. Expect no romantic gestures, but be assured, Michael observes from the shadows whenever your out and about. He's ready to lend a hand when you need a show of brutal force or the tides unexpectedly turn against you. Michael doesn’t tolerate weakness, so if you proved to be cunning and self-sufficient, that would almost earn a silent respect.

Billy Loomis

Billy’s manipulative side would initially question if this is some trick or if he can use the situation to his advantage. However, deep down, he’d be excited at the idea of having a lover who’s just as twisted as he is. However, because you are a serial killer and Billy has this notion of being the 'brains' of the relationship, expect many fights. He wants to be the person in control, so he might never be fully comfortable in your relationship if he perceives you as greater than him. This relationship is a mine for mind games, but be assured when you find common ground, you're a deadly duo.

Stu Matcher

Stu wouldn't care about you being a serial killer. In fact he'll be ecstatic because it would be like living in a non-stop horror flick. Let's face it, he has murder tendencies but often allows you to take reign. He would join your hunts but see it more as a game: he'd want to do 'team kills', wear matching outfits, etc. Expect him to crack jokes non-stop or reference horror tropes, even if you're in the middle of killing someone. Stu is impulsive—“Hey, let’s kill that person!” or “We should totally sabotage this house party!” If you're down for it, Stu’s loyalty is intense, though erratic.

Jason Voorhees

Jason mostly kills out of vengeance or anger, and he’s not particularly intellectual about it. So when he discovers that his boyfriend is a serial killer, he wouldn't be bothered. In fact, he'll probably look up to you: learning how to better kill and dispose of his victims. However, he would get violent if you make a move unto his territory (Camp Crystal Lake) or disrespect the memory of his beloved mother. You are a serial killer and so is Jason, but a part of you likes to hide some of your more brutal and gruesome kills from him. He has a childlike mind so you thread carefully and are overprotective of your giant teddy bear :)

Hannibal Lecter

Hannibal, being a connoisseur of murder himself, would be intrigued and possibly delighted by having a lover who shared his proclivities. However, he would also evaluate your style and motives. If they matched his sense of aesthetic and intellectual stimulation, he would be supportive, but he might manipulate or dispose of you if deemed proved crude or unworthy. He has standards, after all. He’d encourage you to be more meticulous, to pay attention to the senses, to savor each detail. Hannibal would absolutely offer subtle mentorship—introducing more elegant methods, or guiding you toward “ethically chosen” victims. Expect a twisted sort of domesticity: lavish dinners, intellectual sparring, and an understanding that behind every polite smile, there lurks a dangerous mind. Hannibal would want a partner who challenges him intellectually and morally, even in their darkest impulses.

Will Graham

Will would initially be disturbed upon discovering that you're a serial killer. His empathy would reel from the moral violation. Yet, there might be a pull—something that resonates with the darker corners of his psyche. It would be a constant tug-of-war between love (or at least genuine care) and the horror of his partner’s violent acts. Will might try to “save” them, or rationalize why they kill, but he’d be tormented by guilt at the same time. Torn between turning you in or continuing to keep the secret, Will might become complicit in small ways��covering up your tracks or giving subtle advice to avoid detection. This would only deepen his internal conflict. However, once that love for you overclouds his morality, Will becomes a complicit partner and helps you with your kills.

Patrick Bateman

Patrick’s narcissism would initially cause him to feel threatened—he wants to be the center of attention and the “best” at whatever he does, including killing. But if your kills are stylish, impressive, or feed into his ego, he’d become enthralled. You best believe foreplay includes you killing one of Patrick's rivals and creating a tableau that fosters his view of superiority above everyone else. The relationship would revolve around status, wealth, and aesthetics. Your kills would become an odd game of one-upmanship: who can kill more creatively or remain more flawless in public. Patrick loves an audience—if you can provide him with the right blend of admiration and competition, you'll stay in his good graces.

[nightcolorz]

I stumbled on your blog and i love it sm!!

Its so weird, because i am a huge Marius fan, and you put many reasons why he is my absolute favorite character as things why he SUCKS! Its so cool to me, to read something so accurate and then have someone put out a completely different opinion on it! (i do not think he is Good, none of them are. But i think he is cool, his better qualities resonate with me the most of all the characters, i love lore, and i love reading about him the most)

There are few things, that i do not understand and it bothers me endlessly! I just can't figure out where some readings come from, very sinserely (because i want to respect other readings and interpretations), maybe you could help me understand?

First: that Marius dislikes being challenged and tries to "keep Armand to himself"(generalizing) - as i read it, Marius prefers people who challenge him, can stand up to him. All of his paramours are like that - Pandora, Bianca, Armand, Lestat, Daniel..even Botticelli actively defy him, in a way other characters don't and Marius himself is vocal on that being something he admires about them. He does not know how to deal with that, oh no, but he loves it - the fire he himself does not possess. He also actively helps Armand learn about his culture and family, ready to be left behind when they visit Kievan Rus. He also never shows any type of concern about Armands "daytime" personal connections. As i remember, he encourages it decpite objections, actually.. My personal reading is that most drama and abuse between Marius and Armand is about Marius refusing the codependency Armand desperatly wants. (and them being oppisitely unhealthy about that)

Second: there is a notion, that Marius would not want Armand to grow up? And i do not understand where it comes from at all... Marius actively states (and thinks) that his own wish is to see Armand grown into a Man and he refuses time and time again to turn him before then (or to turn him at all) , until Armand is on the deaths door. (i also saw a thing about shaving, but all of them are shaved before the turning as an old ritual, canonically, i believe, only Santino is unshaved so. I might be wrong tho lol. One of canon reasons (again, if my memories are not faulty) - facial and body hair might go in and out of style, so clean shave helps them blend in better)

I you would spare some time to let me understand where those come from i would be forever grateful, because i sometimes think i am blind (and i might be! Thats why i ask. I am a bit scared that i might be percieved in bad faith, but if i have a blindspot i will not see it myself, so getting outside help is the only way haha)

I hope you have a great day! Thnx for the very least reading my ask!

(this is going to be slightly shorter then I initially wanted it to be bcus I wrote a whole essay and tumblr DELETED IT, so I’m so sorry ur going to get a condescend version of my thoughts 😰 I hope they still make sense, anyways)

Thank u sm anon ur so nice omg 🥹❤️ it makes me so happy that u like my blog!!! Don’t worry at all about coming off as bad faith u only come off as respectful and curious to me. I’m going to answer ur questions the best I can! 🙏

I think that the reason a lot of my Marius posts seem to contradict parts of canon is bcus Marius is a very self contradictory character. His wants are often in conflict with each other, and in his relationship with Armand he is always warring between conflicting desires.

First: I definitely agree that Marius seeks out people who challenge him and does rlly enjoy it (to an extent lol). but the way I perceive it, marius likes to be challenged *to an extent*. He doesn’t want a partner who will be weak and docile with him, he wants a partner he’ll need to fight into being docile and he wants to loose that fight<3.He prefers someone with some fire in them, clearly, based on his choice of lovers lol. And I think this is bcus Marius likes the chase, like any vampire. He likes the thrill of being with someone who makes him hurt for it a little bit, he likes fighting and arguing and struggling to stifle a spark he knows is too bright to put out. But also, like most ppl lol, Marius likes to be challenged only so much as he isn’t challenged to the point of having to change himself. He doesn’t want to change his perspective, whenever a partner of his gets him to rethink how he thinks or acts he tends to get rlly mad. He wants to be challenged as long as it’s fun, if he’s uncomfortable or feeling like he might actually adopt a new perspective or change as a person he puts a stop to it. At the end of the day he needs that teacher and student or master and subordinate dynamic to stay in tact. He likes to be challenged but he doesn’t like to be weakened or caught off guard in anyway that makes him question his authority or his strength.

When it comes to Marius helping Armand rediscover his culture, yas! This actually is a good transition bcus this is also a good example of what I’m talking about when it comes to the being challenged thing. Marius is happy and eager to help Armand heal from the demons of his past by rediscovering the family and culture hes forgotten, so long as Armand is obedient and answering to his call at the end of the day. Marius is happy to be left on the sidelines, up until armand starts disregarding his authority and moving away from him on his own path. After coming home from Kiev Armand realizes that he doesn’t gain anything from learning from Marius and he would rather learn on his own by discovering himself and processing what this new culture means to him. And Marius let’s him have this, until he realizes that he’s loosing his control over Amadeo and he is not going to come back to him without a push, and he beats the absolute shit out of him 😭 again, challenged to an extent.

Second: when marius first buys Armand he explains in blood and gold that part of why he chose Armand was bcus he wanted a vampire companion in Bianca, but he felt too guilty to turn Bianca bcus she was a bright young woman with a future ahead of her, so he chose Armand to be his future vampire companion instead bcus Armand was broken enough to not have a chance of a future anyway (therefore turning him is guilt free). Then, marius learns very quickly that Armand could easily have a future just as bright as Bianca, once he’s under his care he starts to prosper, and he realizes that turning him into a vampire would be equally as cruel as turning Bianca. So his motive changes, and he decides that his desire to turn Armand is wrong and he should instead give him the chance to live a full human life just like any of the other boys. Marius wants this bcus he knows that it’s the right thing to do, to give up the person he loves for their own good. But it’s also, deep down, not what he wants at all, bcus it agonizes him to think of a future where he doesn’t have Amadeo. So this creates this self contradictory mess, where Marius is aiming both at the same time to turn Armand into a vampire and also to let him live a human life. He starts doing contradictory things, like feeding Armand his blood and exposing him to vampirism + getting him hooked on it, and then sending him out to “experience humanity” bcus that’s what Marius wants for him.

It caused Armand to be driven absolutely insane, bcus he’s being communicated two different things about what Marius wants for his future. I think Marius’s conflicting desire causes part of Armand’s desperate begging for him to turn him. Armand is so fed up with this mind melding conflict he just wants Marius to rip the band aid off and do it 😭 cuz they both know it’s what they both want. And Marius knows that this is the terrible abusive option, and he can’t get Armand to see this bcus Armand is too far deep in his love brain.

So my answer is, Marius wants Armand to grow up bcus he knows that’s what’s best for him, but he continues to hold out on the possibility of vampirism and refuses to cut ties with Armand bcus he rlly does want to turn him against his better judgement, which in my opinion reads as a desire to keep him young, under his control, in that limbo stage where he doesn’t need to make a decision. Partly bcus if Armand is young and compliant and his body isn’t changing the clock isn’t ticking and Marius doesn’t have to confront that his choices r either loose Amadeo or ruin him.

when it comes to the “shaving Armand was part of a vampire ritual” personally I don’t remember that? It’s not that I don’t believe u, that could totally be accurate and it definitely sounds like smth that would be canon, but I’m struggling to remember if I read that and forgot. I’ve always perceived the Marius shaves Armand cuz he wants to preserve his youth thing as accurate bcus it’s interesting and makes sense for the characters and I don’t remember anything that contradicts it lol, I also don’t remember any other character being shaved pre turning as a ritual besides Armand so I didn’t consider if it was a vampire thing. but u could be right and if so oops I’m sorry for spreading misinfo 😭 but either way that’s still gonna be my headcanon and my interpretation is much the same lol

I hope u have a great day anon and find this interesting ❤️ thank u for the ask!

[gyuswhore]

joking (not really) but if u can ... a fluffly hao drabble and it's just rly domestic idk?! maybe something w cats and early mornings IDK. i'm crazy i just need him sorry

I LOVED WRITING THIS SM EKFJEJREJKRF

masterlist

Minghao brought Fish home with the notion that this cat would become the light of his life (after you, maybe). But this Scottish Fold's personality would destine another kind of raging emotion.

Fish instead became the bane of Minghao's existence.

When he would buy the most expensive cat toys, climbing walls, collars, and food, all he would get was a private showing of his tail in the air. But when you'd throw a piece of chicken from your own plate, it was all Fish wanted to indulge in.

He doesn't understand where the hatred stems from, losing visions of calm sit-downs with you and your furbaby in between. Reality kicks him with scratches on his hands and knuckles, his presence on your other side where your cat wouldn't need to perceive him.

"Hao, he doesn't hate you" you reason with a particularly fussy Minghao. He's not having it though.

"Any sane person that sees me interact with that demon knows there's a rift in this house. You're just too preoccupied with his...his ass-kissery to notice!"

It takes a moment for you to collect the bubbling giggles in your chest. He was genuinely upset.

"But he's like this with every person, you know he's picky with his people" you try again, even moving forward to put your chin on his shoulder as he leaned against the headboard.

"I'm his father!" he says in a louder voice. "I brought him here and he does all this like I'm— speak of the devil"

Fish has poked the door open with his head to enter your room, bounding up to the bed to curl up on your lap.

"Okay, let's talk about this in the morning, hm? You're tired right now and this is just heating you up even more. Maybe we can get a pet therapist or something to work on your father-son relationship." The snort leaves you before you can stop it, to which Minghao can only roll his eyes.

You watch as he slithers down into bed properly, turning away from you to fall asleep. Moving Fish off your lap, you stroke your boyfriend's hair, leaving a couple kisses on his temple before moving to your side of the bed. He doesn't respond.

Minghao wakes up the next morning to Fish having taken his place, cuddled by your side sound asleep.

As much of an issue he has with your cat, he can't help but admire the scene in front of him, both of you calm as ever. Fish suddenly looks adorable to him, taken back to the day at the shelter when he'd found him as a kitten.

The owners told him he was a shy baby, more reserved than his brothers and sisters of the same litter. Hao thought it was a match made in heaven, the love pouring the second he laid eyes on him, knowing you'd love him just the same.

It wasn't until the cat's apparent disdain for him that the problems began to sprout, appearing to grow colder as he grew instead of the usual playful personality of growing cats.

His huffing and puffing from last night suddenly felt childish, thinking back to your suggestion to find someone who could help with his apprehension towards him.

Hao wonders if he may be the problem.

But right now, as he scooches to your side of the bed, where he belongs, and envelopes the both of you in his arms, he cuddles and kisses to his heart's content knowing neither of you were about to stop him.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP, 25. Feeling pretty lost in life. After a long battle with mental illness (runs in the family, I'm surrounded by people that as of now don't want to go to therapy and keep reliving the same patterns, hurting everyone who hasn't gone through the process I've - THANK GOODNESS - gone through thanks to therapy and medication), I find myself unemployed, without friends, without money, still studying for my degree (I'm almost finished though) and for the first time seeing things so, so clearly.

I wasted most of my teenage years trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my head, battling anorexia, depression and social anxiety - and the latter still has a big impact on the way I speak to people since words don't come to my head, plus depression really wrecked my memory and it can take a whole 20 minutes for me to remember a specific name that I wanted to bring up in a conversation. I feel like I'm cooked.

I don't hate myself nor I feel like I have low self-esteem; actually, I really like who I am when given the time and emotional space to make my true self and inner creativity shine. I think I could give a lot to people but because of a general lack of understanding of common references cause I was detached from everything most of my life and I've missed them all, I tend to be perceived as cringe/weird/naive/childish and none of my conversations are surviving past the first week.

I'm really trying hard to develop my vocabulary, catching up with tv shows characters or even basic history references, but it feels like a huge toll of notions that I can't possibly internalize in such a short amount of time. These people dedicated years (consciously or not) to common knowledge, their family members had culture and raised them to be curious about the world - I'm only now waking up and looking at the world for the first time, with the intention of developing my social and verbal skills.

Basically I need to step up my life and I don't feel like it's working cause everyone can tell I'm so behind and I'm not up their standards - especially in my age range, and considering my economic state. Whenever they ask "what's your job" or "what's your favorite music genre" and I can't really give them an answer to either, I feel ashamed. I know it's not my fault, I had to survive violence and ignorance growing up and I was never given the time to discover who I am or to become a functioning member of society or even feel "safe" enough to try ANYTHING, so yeah, I do have self-compassion, I guess - but others seem like they don't, and I'm so slow when I speak, I'm so slow when I wanna come up with a joke and in a social setting everyone looks at each other like they think I'm stupid.

Is there any advice you can give me? I know I can make it. I am exactly like everyone else, I can develop the same abilities and have a good future. Am I right? Or is this just some lie I'm telling myself? Am I deluded? Will people always look down on me and avoid me altogether?

--------------------

I'm not in a position to tell you that you're lying to yourself; it's something you need to determine through honest self-reflection. There's nothing wrong with talking yourself up in order to motivate yourself to do better. It's also a good thing to try to focus more on the positive aspects of life, especially when you have a history of getting stuck in negativity or narrow-mindedness. This would certainly help you with Ne development, which should be an ongoing project.

As far as I can tell, the root of the problem you're describing isn't psychological but social. Not everything in life is under our control. In fact, studies have consistently revealed that people are far more influenced by their social environment than they care to admit. You don't get to choose which family you're born into. As a child, you have no say in which neighborhood, city, or country you live in. Yet, upbringing, community, and culture are three major factors that influence the trajectory of your life, everyone's life.

If you're unlucky, you grow up experiencing a painful mismatch of personality and environment. And it is down to luck. You shouldn't fault yourself for accidents of birth. And you also can't really fault the "environment" because it's not really a conscious entity that intentionally sets out to harm people. Although the social environment is created by the people comprising it, it's not within any given individual's power to change or control it. This is why, historically, you see people migrate far from home, in search of better environments with better opportunities.

You're young and, because of your upbringing, you didn't really get a chance to participate properly in the world. This means you haven't really experienced firsthand just how big the world can be. There is such a diversity of people, places, and culture in the world, which I take to mean that there's a place for every person. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will allow you to be your true self. Somewhere in the world, there's a place that will help bring out the best in you and allow you to contribute the best of yourself.

However, that place may or may not be where you were born and raised. When you feel like you don't fit in despite all your best efforts, it might help to ask whether this is really the place you're meant to be and the people you're meant to be associated with...

I've known a lot of immigrants in my lifetime, so I have taken part in many complicated discussions about how to fit in, culturally. Some people find it easier to pick up mainstream culture as they go, looking up references and remembering them as necessary. Some people like to be more prepared and put effort into studying cultural history. I've had a lot of people ask me for help getting to know western culture's most important artists, writers, books, musicians, songs, movies, and tv shows by decade.

It used to be easier to learn cultural knowledge when media was more centralized. Nowadays, people are more siloed, ironically because of social media. Subcultures abound, appearing and disappearing with short-lived social media trends. In today's chaotic media landscape, trying to keep up with the latest cultural trends isn't really worth the energy anymore because collective memory has become so short. What's the point of remembering a meme or viral event when most people will have forgotten it a month later?

What is one to do when faced with this kind of information overload? There are two helpful strategies that go together:

(1) Narrow Your Focus

One reason people are so interested in cultural knowledge is because culture is an important avenue of self-discovery. Have you ever noticed that when they put together a boy/girl band, they find four or five guys/gals with very different and distinct personalities? They're hoping to ensure that teenage listeners will find at least one band member to relate to on a deeper level. It's a way to cover all the bases and maximize the chances of turning someone into a fan. While it sounds like a cynical and calculated ploy, it's actually an important way for teenagers to learn more about their own likes/dislikes, in contrast to others.

One could argue that the reason we have so many genres in music, movies, tv shows, and literature is because of the diversity of human beings. We're all born with a personality that we express in our own unique way, which means we all have a propensity to like and dislike certain things. As much as I've tried to get into death metal, I just can't seem to resonate with it. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as I'm not out there trying to stop other people from appreciating it. We are all entitled to our personal tastes.

You're hoping that by learning more cultural knowledge, some of those factoids will eventually pay off during a social interaction. But what are the odds that they will? Pretty low because it's too random. Is it really worth the energy spent in remembering all that information only for a small portion of it to come in handy at some random time in the future? Sure, there are people who have a head for remembering trivia, but if you're not one of them, it quickly becomes a waste of energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

But wastefulness aside, cramming yourself full of factoids isn't a good strategy for two reasons. Firstly, when learning is motivated solely by a desire to obtain external rewards (e.g. approval or money), people don't tend to achieve true mastery or genuine appreciation of the subject matter. In other words, it's a shallow way of learning that doesn't help memory retention, as you're finding out. Secondly, doing something just to impress others is basically contorting yourself to conform with other people's expectations. This doesn't help you learn about yourself, quite the opposite, it takes you farther and farther away from yourself, which is why it doesn't feel right.

While we often associate identity formation with adolescence, the fact is that learning about who you really are is a lifelong task. Thus, the question isn't about when you started (early or late), it's more about whether you're using a good approach that actually gets you incrementally closer to the truth of who you really are.

If participation in culture is an important pathway for learning about oneself, what you should be doing is exploring different aspects of culture to learn about potential likes, dislikes, interests, and hobbies. For example, you're not going to know whether you like horror movies until you watch a few. But once you've watched a representative sample of the genre and realize you don't like it, let it go and move onto something else.

It's almost as though you believe you have to know everything so that you can relate to anyone. I don't think this is a good or efficient socializing strategy, unless you love researching and have a great memory. You need to accept the fact that you're not going to be friends with everyone. It's okay that you're more compatible with some people more than others.

To improve your chances of social success, you have to know what you're looking for and how to find it. When you go fishing, you don't just throw a hook in the water and hope for the best, right? You have to use the right kind of bait. In the context of relationships, "bait" refers to the things that attract people to each other. One of the best and fastest ways of connecting with people is through common interests. However, this pathway won't be available to you as long as your interests aren't genuine or you haven't developed them properly.

(2) Prioritize Quality (Over Quantity)

One reason people feel easily inundated with too much information is lack of critical thinking skills. Critical thinking helps you sort through information and evaluate its quality. It's like learning how to quickly spot the rare diamonds amongst the pile of cheap shiny jewels. This also helps with the first point of narrowing your focus.

When you have a better idea of what you like or find intriguing, you open up opportunities to dig deeper and nurture a more sophisticated appreciation of the subject, to refine your tastes. A like/interest (feeling) can be transformed into an edifying intellectual pursuit (skill). But this can only happen if you value learning for its growth potential and not just for the social approval it might bring.

You seem a bit too concerned with how people judge you as a "weirdo". It could be the case that you've met some nasty people. But it could also be the case that you're projecting because you low-key feel ashamed of being "behind" in your development.

There's nothing wrong with being ignorant when it happens through no fault of your own. Nobody comes out of the womb knowing everything and we don't all have equal opportunity to learn what we need to know. It's pointless and illogical to compare yourself to others when you didn't begin life at the same starting line. And being human means having blind spots. Ignorance only becomes problematic when it is willful, that is, a person denies their ignorance and refuses to remedy it with proper learning. Given your motivation to learn, it's clear that you're not stuck in a state of willful ignorance, so there is nothing to feel ashamed about.

On occasion, people come to me asking about a psychology book they've read, only for me to break the bad news to them that it's a terrible book, full of misinformation. Should they then walk away and give up out of embarrassment? I sure hope not. I hope that they would learn to choose their learning resources more carefully.

The trouble with being a newbie is that you don't yet know enough to separate out the good stuff from the junk. To counter this, instead of becoming too reliant on one resource, communicate with a wide variety of people who seem to exhibit more knowledge than you. Eventually, you'll get a better feel for the quality of the knowledge. For example, if most experts are in general agreement, then you've probably stumbled upon trustworthy information. But when nobody can seem to agree on what the "truth" is, then be more careful.

Following from that, instead of slinking away in shame when you're caught not knowing something that seemingly "everybody should know", why not just be honest about not having had the chance to learn and welcome the person to enlighten you? Allow yourself to be humbly schooled. I can't tell you the amount of useful information I've picked up by simply letting people go on and on about their passions and interests.

Doing this could also take a lot of pressure off you, in terms of having the opportunity to: 1) sit back, relax, and listen, 2) learn and absorb information in a more natural setting, and 3) get some valuable tips about which direction to take your learning and where to find quality sources of information to speed up your learning. You might even get inspired to pursue something new and interesting.

The concept of "quality" also applies to people. Every person is a mixture of positive and negative qualities, but some people exhibit more of their negative qualities. When you meet people like that, it is fine to feel repelled and get away from them. But don't then overreact and overgeneralize and believe that everyone is bad.

If the people you're interacting with are truly judgmental jerks, it's better to find out sooner so that you don't end up in a toxic relationship. You truly like yourself? Then wear it proudly. Be open, authentic, and transparent about who you are and the struggles you've been through. Observe how willing people are to accept all of you. This should help you quickly separate out the good from the bad eggs. A good person should be:

empathetic and compassionate

willing to give you the benefit of the doubt

inclined to see and acknowledge the good in you

curious rather than judgmental

sensitive and accommodating, within reason

Every place has its good and bad people, and meeting new people is luck of the draw. When you meet bad people, there's no need to waste time with blame or anger. It's their problem, not yours. Simply walk away and keep looking for good people. And if your social environment isn't overflowing with your kind of people, you might have to migrate to a new and better environment.

Generally speaking, the process of improving yourself and your life goes a lot more smoothly when you know how to tune out noise and keep focused on your main goals.