#people grow and change and forget and maybe even forgive

[nights-at-crystarium]

While I'm ancient-trio-posting, wanna hear a bit about their dynamic?

Hythlodaeus and Hades are old friends, roommates, even. A genuinely mature, established couple. I haven't really thought too far back in time yet, so maybe childhood friends to lovers because no one else in my story has this trope yet. I leave it open-ended for now. What matters is that they're very chill and stable together.

Azem, not-yet-Azem but a mere apprentice of Venat, has a certain secret, harmless to the world, but potentially ranging from laughable, cringy, personally embarrassing to legally punishable, should it be brought in front of the Convocation, like all lies it's doomed to be revealed in time, he already hangs out with one of the Big People and there are talks about Venat's retirement, our little not-yet-Azem feels like he might get recommended, and must find help with his silly secret before that.

Hythlodaeus, Chief of the Bureau of the Architect, has ever been kind and patient with not-yet-Azem's concept submissions, and generally seems like a reliable and open-minded person, so our guy asks for his advice on the matter. Of course he isn't let down, the nitty gritty of it I'll leave for later. The important part: he and Hyth grow closer, and Hades, already being joined at the hip with Hyth, is in on the secret as well. It's just a vulnerability that I use as a means to win over Hades's heart. Be genuine, beg for his help, rely on him, and he's yours.

Venat retires, the new Azem takes the seat, his secret's safe/resolved (forget about it, it's played its role of the glue for our trio), things are chill for a while, the trio grows into a proper throuple, Hades is recommended for the seat of Emet-Selch by both his lovers, but by Azem most ardently (and selfishly: he feels like a white crow among the Convocation and wants another freak on the team. Hades finds it sweet though).

The status quo moves to the known canon where Azem travels a lot, sometimes summons his buddies to his side, he tends to disappear from Amaurot for weeks and months on end, Hyth and Hades are left to themselves, seemingly things are the same as they've always been, but the joy of reuniting with their wayward lover, and the pining when he's gone, is bigger in Hades than Hyth. Of course they, the two mature people holding hands from the beginning of times, don't discuss this.

Azem may not even realize what he's doing- well, ain't that most azems in a nutshell. He just exists, loves his partners, shines for them with equal warmth like sun. It's not that Hyth doesn't like being sunkissed, no, it's Hades who gets a bit too excited, tries to mask that however he can, perhaps HythHades pretend that nothing's changed, but, yknow, subtle cracks. Hades's heart grows more fond due to the time and distance that separate them so often. Of course he's terrified and he sees what this does to the balance of their poly, it's not welcome, but it won't go away.

Enter Hyth's self-esteem issues, and how neatly that weaves into his following sacrifice to bring forth Zodiark. Even though Azem's nowhere to be seen, it's fine, he'll return, it's just a tantrum, the Convocation will forgive him, Hades will be left in good hands, he and Azem seem to be happier without Hyth anyway. (no, no, no, no-) Of course, the latter's left unsaid, only a smile on display and vague words of affirmation for the shellshocked Hades.

Through the sacrifice Hyth drives up his value. He's forever important to Hades now, forever on his mind, his guiding star. I view Hyth's selfless act as selfish too (just as Raha's but he isn't relevant here), a desperate act of a soul not only loving, but desperate for love. Hyth gets what he wanted. In a fucked up way, he's happier as a part of the moon. He never has to contend with the sun again.

[damiansgoodgirll]

Can you do a angst about Kylian maybe he cheated on his wife when she is pregnant (or not) and then she leaves him, but after she forgives him after so many attempts of trying get back to her, with a happy ending

changed it a bit because i hate cheating so no happy ending for this one :))

kylian mbappè x reader

tw : cheating, a lot of angst sorry

5 years

you were six months pregnant and you and kylian were thrilled about the arrival of your first baby. you’ve been wanting a family for so long and when you started trying for a baby if felt like the universe wasn’t on your side.

now, two years later, you were finally pregnant and full of joy. everyone around you kept telling you how full of life you were, you were glowing and people noticed it.

the first few months were hell. you couldn’t keep food down, even the smell of morning breakfast made you nauseous and frustrated. kylian did everything he could to help you. he would hold your hair if you needed to throw up, he would cuddle you afterwards and helped you stay hydrated.

around the third month your belly started to show, you started to feel the baby growing. kylian talked every night to your growing belly, he couldn’t wait to meet them.

fourth and fifth months were easier. you still felt nauseous and your whole body began to hurt, your back was hurting, your feet, your growing boobs, your hands, sometimes even your nose. but to you, everything was worth it.

now you just entered your sixth month and because of pregnancy, hormones and summer you couldn’t stop sweating. you were always a complete mess. not even cold showers and ac could help you.

kylian knew how much uncomfortable you were and he decided to make you relax with a little vacation in miami. not the coldest place on earth, it was completely the opposite but your hotel had a spa, indoor pool and a perfect way to the beach. it was everything you could ask for.

the week passed and you were so grateful that kylian made you forget about all of your problems. he was invited to some party in the hamptons, almost like he was part of the elite and of course he wanted to go. he asked you to join him but honestly you couldn’t wait to go home and lay in bed all week. your body started to hurt again and you needed some rest. of course kylian understood your point of view so he went to the hamptons while you went straight back home.

you called him when you landed back in paris and he texted you right before the party. everything was normal, until it wasn’t.

you woke up the day after, it probably was still night in america so you waited to call kylian. due to your growing belly you couldn’t find any comfortable position in bed so you woke up pretty early and laid on the couch watching some tv.

when it was around 9 am you got tired, you went from watching the news to watching friends to watching crime shows. the only person you needed was kylian but at the moment he was on the other side of the world partying and probably getting drunk.

you ignored your phone all morning so you were surprised when you saw that your best friend called you 10 times.

it was lunch time and you were starting to eat when you decided to open your phone. it was blowing.

14 missed calls from kylian.

10 missed calls from your best friend.

4 missed calls from kylian’s brother ethan.

you saw people kept mentioning you on twitter and instagram so curiosity got the best of you and went straight to the socials.

you wish you didn’t do it.

leaked pictures of kylian kissing another woman. his hands all over her body. on her ass too. a video of kylian and this random girl hidden in the corner making out.

you felt like throwing up but this time wasn’t because of the pregnancy.

people started messaging you, saying how sorry they were for you, that you and the baby didn’t deserve it.

the baby.

he cheated on you, his soon-to-be wife, while you were carrying his baby.

he decided to throw away five years for what?

right when your mind was spinning and full of thoughts that kylian’s name appeared once again on your phone. he was calling you again. this time you answered, you knew you had to confront him once he got back home.

“oh thank god you answered…” he said from the other side of the phone.

“do you need something?” you asked, your voice emotionless. he knew you saw the pictures. and the video.

“listen, i’m coming back home right now, i’m at the airport…i’m so sorry, you have no idea…i’m so ashamed” he confessed. you knew he was crying but you couldn’t care less.

you turned your phone off without answering him. you knew you had like 6 or 7 hours before he got back home, so, with the help of your best friend, you started packing everything, from your clothes to the make up and books.

the moment you saw how empty his room looked without your things you broke down crying. you started realising that the man you loved for all these years really cheated on you.

you broke down once again, this time when you were in the nursery because having a family and growing this kid with love was all you wished for.

your best friend comforted you and helped you packing. while you were at home waiting for kylian, she got all of your stuff back to your old apartment. it wasn’t as nice as kylian’s, but it was big enough for you to be growing your baby.

sat on the sofa and watching the eiffel tower shining, you heard the front door opening and what you saw was a very broken and suffering kylian.

good.

he needed so suffer.

“baby…i…” he started talking but you stopped him.

“y/n…not baby, my name’s y/n”

“i’m so sorry mon amour, i - i don’t know what happened…” he started explaining and you let him, you already knew that no matter what he said you were not going to forgive him “i guess i was just drunk and caught up in the moment…i know it’s not an excuse but i really have none…i’m so so sorry for doing this to you, you didn’t deserve it…”

“we didn’t deserve it…” you said laying a hand on your belly “i don’t give a fuck if you were drunk or not, you cheated on me! kylian this is unforgivable, don’t give a shit if you’re the father of my baby…i don’t wanna see you or hear you ever again” you said standing up from the couch.

“what-you can’t be serious…no, no i can’t lose you y/n, you’re everything for me, you and the baby…i love you both so much…”

“i’m deadass serious mbappè” you tried to keep a serious tone but you broke down when you started seeing that woman around kylian’s body in your mind “i’ve loved you for all of these years kylian, i still love you but right now i can’t even stay in the same room as you…you make me sick, in less than three months our baby will be here and - and i can’t even stand to see your face” you cried “i gave you everything! kylian, how could you do this to me? to us?”

“i know i have no excuses…i’m just so sorry, i can’t even say how much sorry i am…”

“i don’t care how sorry you are” you sobbed “i really don’t…you just broke everything we had, this, our family…”

“don’t say this please…” kylian walked towards you but you stopped him. he wanted to punch himself, he wanted to scream and cry, he wanted to hold you and wipe your tears away but he knew he fucked up really bad.

“i already packed my things…i won’t be living here, i can’t even stand to see your face right now…”

“no, you can’t leave me y/n please…i love you so much, i fucked up i know but i’ll work for your forgiveness, i’ll make it up to you” he cried. he knew it was over. he lost.

“i really don’t care…” you said. exhausted.

“don’t do this please…don’t break our family apart”

“you did it kylian the moment you kissed that girl, and i know that it wasn’t only a kiss, i know you fucked her, the look you had in the video…i know that look pretty good…you’re the one to blame…you’ll be hearing from my lawyer” you said before leaving his apartment.

kylian broke you in so many ways you couldn’t even explain but your baby deserved to have a father, you just didn’t want to be a part of it.

his mom and his family helped you during the last months of pregnancy, he tried to call you so many times that you had to block him.

you didn’t want him inside the room when you were giving birth. your mom was there, his mom was there too and that was all the support you needed.

you began to think about how it would have been if he never cheated on you, how your baby would have two beautiful parents that loved each others but now your child was stuck with two parents who kept fighting and couldn’t see each others.

all because kylian couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

part 2

[mayasaurusss]

Transfem Jackie in the wilderness??

The feeling of you.

Contents: female reader, transfeminine Jackie, angst and comfort, internalized guilt, detailed descriptions of feelings, exploring themes of transexuality, 3rd point of view from Jackie's prespective, vanilla smut, gentlia described vaguely. Not really thought plot.

Words count: 7k/ about 12 pages

Author's note: As you read, this is a transfeminine Jackie oneshot. I wanted to explore themes of self hatred in many ways. Since I am not transexual, I based myself on the expereince someone in my life had to describe various moments in this oneshot. If this might be offensive to anyone, please dm me so I can edit this work. This is the first time in an oneshot where I write full on smut. This might not be very 'sexy' then, so forgive me for that. This oneshot contains vanilla-ish sex, so it might not be everyone's cup of tea. Anon, I'm sorry for the several months long wait, but I wanted to be sure to write something in character for Jackie.

To make reading easier: the italics are charcaters thoughts. First half is from Jackie's 3rd pow and second half (from smut onwards) reader's 3rd pov.

Enjoy everyone!

When you joined the Yellowjackets soccer team, you didn't expect to fall heads over heels with its capitan, Jackie Taylor.

It was a rainy November afternoon when you joined. You had seen Jackie walk around school from time to time, but have never interacted with her this close, for all it was worth, you didn't even know she was the soccer team captain. You joined the team some months after your best friend Vanessa did; she had insisted that it was fun and it would build up your confidence. So, you have joined.

Vanessa had talked about your frail character with Jackie before you joined, telling her that you were insecure in your abilities, so, after the coach had tested you, Jackie choosed to assign you the substitute position of right winger. So, you wouldn't have had to play all the time.

Right before you got introduced to the team, Jackie had talked with you. A look of worry was visible in your eyes and Jackie, even if she didn't know you all that well yet, was slightly worried. For you maybe, yes, but also that you could potentially be more of a burden to the team, if you didn't do well enough. After all, Jackie needs to have as many competent people in her team as she can. You need to grow more confident.

So, she had taken you by the arm and led you to a secluded place right outside of the field's entrance. Jackie had looked up at you and smiled kindly, "Well, are you ready to go?". You had felt incredibly scared and apprehensive that day but when you felt Jackie's hand lightly touch yours, trying to get you out of your head, you felt safe, seen.

That was the first instance of your feelings blooming for Jackie. At every game, she did not ever forget to encourage and praise you for your actions. Even when you didn't perform well, you knew Jackie would always be there to make you feel better.

To her surprise, a year after having joined the team, you were almost a completely different person. Confident, strong and willing to stand up for herself and others. Jackie did have to admit that your change was more than welcome. She could never say it out loud, but whenever she saw you in the changing room, her heart skipped a beat. Of course, Jackie had to maintain her reputation at school.

No one, besides her parents and Shauna, knew that Jackie wasn't who others thought she was. Since she was a child, she had felt like she was missing a core part of herself. It was when she met Shauna that everything changed: with her, Jackie had confessed her worries and secrets and in exchange, got the help to finally become her true self. Her parents weren't as supportive as she thought they were going to be. Sometimes, she saw her mothers sending glances in her direction, which she couldn't decipher as worry or disdain; but she didn't care.

In an attempt to finally convey that image she built of herself, upon entering her new school alongside Shauna, she had seduced Jeff, one of the guys she found less ugly. She wasn't able to fully explore herself before jumping hand in hand with him in the relationship.

The first time and only time she and Jeff have had sex, she didn't dare to make him look. Somewhat, she managed to create an excuse to not strip and only get him off. It was a rather boring and disappointing night. But she hadn't left him, in a way Jackie still felt some kind of odd feeling when she was with him. She couldn't tell if it was love.

This is why she couldn't show herself shy when she was near you. She couldn't risk her image, people would talk if they saw her behaving in a flirtatious way towards you, and Jeff would leave. She knew he was probably cheating on her, but as of right now, she couldn't worry less.

Jackie feels her mind slipping out of consciousness time and time again. She can vaguely feel what is happening near her, bodies bumping on her shoulder and light dimming lower and lower until, behind her eyelids, she can only stare back at the darkness.

Shauna wakes her up, and she's not sure she's completely herself at this point. Her body moves before her mind can process what's happening and just mere seconds later, she falls hard to the forest floor. Just as her cheek comes into hard contact with the naked soil, her mind registers what's happening. Jackie looks behind herself to see something that shakes her to the core and will for the years to come. People, her teammates flooding away from the main entrance of the plane, all gushing out like droplets of the leftover alcohol of the red cup she had drank from last night, at their last party.

Jackie struggles to get back to her feet, her legs giving just as she gets up. Shauna is there, she holds her and runs her fingers on her face, tracing over the bruise that has begun to form. She searches for your face among the others and finds you clutching at your left leg, a scar running down your hips.

Jackie's eyes follow as Shauna gets back into the plane and a feeling of dread fills her heart. She knows that if she doesn't help Shauna, her best friend will die. When she enters into the crashed death trap smoke fills her lungs and her vision. She searches for Shauna, finding her fiddling with something behind her shoulders. For a second she considers slapping Shauna, telling her that she's an idiot and taking her back, but when she hears Vanessa's desperate sobs her brain is filled with fear and horror and something akin to bravery. Her hands brace on either side of the seats and summoning a bravery she didn't know she had, along with Shauna, Jackie manages to open a window of opportunity for Van to slip out. Once the fresh air fills her lungs again and her brain is awake, Jackie searches for you.

Misty had hastily put together various bandages that ran down the entirety of your leg, blood already seeping out and darkening the cloth. Jackie can't even register that she has you in a death grip until she feels your chest moving on hers in an attempt to get more air in your lungs.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- '' her words get cut off as you push into her, already wettering the neck of the blue and yellow jacket she wore. Your throat bobs and tears fall from your eyes ``I, I'm scared". Jackie holds you to her chest, sobs threatening to leave her body, "Me too".

The smell of fire and pine needles filled the air around you, the tall trees shielding your view of the night sky. Hours after the disaster, you were surprised to find yourself enjoying your teammates' jokes near the campfire. You would have expected to feel this happy in another situation, but there you were: laughing in the dark night with the corpses of your old friends already starting to decompose back into the deathtrap. Jackie had insisted on sitting near you along Shauna. She kept to herself, having to maintain that image of her authority. Maybe she could be the one aiding the team to take a stand against nature. But in the aftermath of saving Van she had let her selfishness surge again and had protested against her cleanser being used as a sanitizer. She didn't mean to, the words left her mouth before she could understand the gravity of the situation. This wasn't what she was prepared for, her mind wasn't prepared enough to survive, to see the lifeless bodies of her own friends burn and decompose under her eyes.

Jackie had gotten silent for some time and her mouth had tasted the tears that were threatening to fall, but when she had felt your touch linger on her hand, a feeling of calm panic had washed over her. Your eyes stared into hers, understanding, saying 'I feel you, I understand you' and her heart ached. The fear was still clawing at her heart but she tried to subdue it in favor of quietly looking at you, trying to breathe through the hurt. Unbeknownst to her, Shauna's envious eyes had watched the whole interaction with anger boiling over the surface.

That night, Jackie dreams. She dreams of the last game, the leather of the ball comes into hard contact with the white metal of the goal and bounces back away from her and the other team wins. She dreams of a world where she and Shauna are now in her room, sad and bitter, but not here. Not on a cold night. She dreams of a world where she comes back to Jeff, he comforts her by kissing her cheek and whispering sweet, fake nothings to her. She dreams of him finally admitting he cheated, of a world where after months of sadness and thought, she manages to confess the strange feelings she has whenever you're around. She dreams of your lips touching hers.

If only... if only she didn't score, maybe...maybe...

The morning had come by fast, a pale light shone down from the trees and greeted their painful awakening. Jakcie had fallen asleep the night prior cuddled between you and Shauna. All the team had cuddled closer during the night in an effort to maintain as much heat as possible. The soil was scattered with clothes, remaining junk food leftovers, branches and the mechanical remains of the plane. And when she woke up, Jackie had panicked. As quietly as possible she had begun to hyperventilate, the reality of the situation finally kicking in. In an effort to keep calm, to get comforted, Jackie hides her face into your chest and lets her tears fall freely. In your sleep, you cling onto her and for a split moment, her heart bursts out of her chest. It feels like her rib cage has suddenly tightened on her organs and her body has been set aflame. She couldn't feel like this. She shouldn't. And why with you of all people? Why you, and not Jeff? Why you, and not Shauna? What is in you that makes her poor heartache, even in the most desperates of situations? Nevertheless, Jackie allows herself to feel and falls right back asleep. Reality can wait for some time.

When the bodies had been buried and were beginning to dissolve into the earth, a heavy silence had weighted on the team shoulders. At least they could rest in peace, for the rest though only chaos was waiting. Jackie had never been so scared in her life. So, when Taissa shouted that she had seen a lake nearby, Jacki couldn't believe it. Or, more accurately, she was scared of leaving. What if the rescue team came just as they left? And what if they didn't find them? She couldn't afford to lead her team into another hazard. so, when almost all of the team agrees to go, Jackie feels betrayed. It's stupid and selfish but she does, especially when Shauna raises her hand in favor of leaving. Without too much thrust, Jackie follows. She steps away from Shauna and walks with you, helping you move your leg on the uneven forest floor.

When she spots the shore, a sense of wonder and happiness fills her for the first time in hours. With her help, you manage to speed up to the lake. There, a realization dawns on her. She hadn't told the others that she was 'different'. No one here except Shauna knew. What would they have thought of her? "Aren't you going in?" she heard your voice ask her. "Uh, I- I don't know..." she stammers out. Her eyes widen when she sees you changing out of your dirty clothes "Well, I'm going. Misty had said that the water might cleanse my wound, but she never talked about lake water" Jackie vaguely registered your response while her eyes were still trained on your figure. "I hope there aren't any germs there" you lose the branch that supported your uneven walk in favor of trying to get out of your pants.

"Hey Jackie... I know this is weird to ask, but can you help me out? I can't crouch low enough to pull them off" her heart skips a beat and almost automatically, she starts to undress you out of your pants. She's sure her cheeks are a bit more red than usual. "Ah, thank you. Are you sure you're not coming in?" she doesn't know, she isn't sure. But she so, so wants to be there with you. "Uh yeah just, just let me change and I'll be there".

Jackie's eyes follow as you dip into the water. Vaguely, she can feel her blood flow in her body faster than normal, but she dismisses it. When she nears on the shore, as quickly and as carefully as possible, Jackie strips out of her clothes and watches for any unwanted gaze. When the cold water crashes on her skin, her body begins to cool off and that thirst she felt has been quelled. Now she reaches you and guides you to deeper waters, careful to listen to any signs of discomfort from you.

That's how you spend the rest of the afternoon: splashing each other with water, resting on the rocky shores of the lake and gossipping. The everpresent eye of Shauna watching your every move. When Lottie had spotted something in the distance, everyone had been on the move, hoping to find a new shelter for the night. And they did. The cabin was decrepit. Its roof was slightly slanted, vines and vegetation covered the wooden walls; but it worked. It could work. When she entered, a smell of mold and old plants had hit her nose. She found a can of green beans and when attempting to open it, her hunger preceding the thought that maybe she could have preserved it, she was greeted with the sight of many greenish beans swimming in a gray pool of liquid.

On the other side of the room, some of the girls are checking out one of those old sex magazines. Natalie calls out to you "Hey look, this girl kinda looks like you" and right then and there, Jackie crumbles. "Nah, she doesn't look like me! You have a shitty sight Scatorccio '' the team's eyes all gather to one point in the page, some let out whistles while others comment on it. "So, are you like this gentlelady under your clothes?" Van jokingly teases you "Guess you'll have to discover it yourself". Despite thinking she's above this, Jackie steals a glance as she walks out. And it's true, that woman did look like you, despite some differences. And now, Jackie has to deal with yet another problem.

She feels her body shift without her wanting to and heat spreads through her lower abdomen, begging to be put out. She walks out of the door fast and follows a trail behind the cabin. There, she tries to calm down but to no avail, images of you fill her mind and she feels her shorts tighten. Jackie lets out a grunt of discomfort: the situation wasn't exactly the most comfortable one to 'rub one out'. She looks back at the cabin, it's far but still in view: maybe here she can take care of herself with no prying eyes watching.

Jackie slips out of her shorts and starts to palm at her length. She tries to think about Jeff, about Shauna, even about her celebrity crushes, but nothing works. Everything morphs into you. So, when she finally gives up and allows herself to fall into your image, she finds that her body is already at the brink of release. She feels your hands stroking her skin, the tension releases out of her shoulders and your voice whispers reassurances in her ear. "Let it go" and she falls from her high, her legs give out and the skin meets the hard ground. Her gaze falls to her hand. Oh god, what have I done?

The afternoon lights had started to shine through the trees. After taking care of her little problem, Jackie had come back and sat on the wooden porch at the side of the cabin. This can't be real. It can't, right? Her heart aches far more than she realized. She doesn't belong here. She is angry, sad and terrified. This isn't real.

Regret, both for the plane crash and for what she had just done. Did she really jerk off to a friend in the middle of the forest, right after what happened? God, how could she be so disgusting? So careless? People died and all she could think about was fulfilling her own needs. Like always Jackie, you always have to be the center of attention. You couldn't even let your teammates have a peaceful rest, you just had to think about yourself huh? Can you even feel something, anything for others? Do you have anyone else in your mind except yourself?This just shows the utter scum of a person you really are. You waste.

Back at home, everyone always counted on her. She was the voice of reason, the one person who could bring different people together under one team. She had been the one to create the Yellowjackets, to care for them, to nourish them. She knew she was selfish, selfish and stupid, but she really tried. Jackie didn't mean to be this much of a fucking liability, but she couldn't help it. This place, these people, did they even think of her as an equal? Or did most of them fake their appreciation for her? She didn't mean to be a bother, trying to fix the old music player instead of doing the chores, but she needed desperately to not think. Please, for the love of God, get me out of here.

Days, months have passed and winter starts to tighten its cold hands on the Yellowjackets. All of them know. When winter comes, they might die. Every night, the last breeze of autumn comes knocking on the door in the form of the Grim Reaper, begging to be let in. To join the fun. For how much their determination is worth, nature has a sick way of playing with its prey.

They don't have to think.

That's why Jackie had hosted a seance in summer, to distract them. And that's why she decides to host a Doom Coming. Death is already at the door, so why not having fun in the last few weeks of their lives? And her life is just a mess. Jackie feels as if all of the world's faults weigh down on her shoulders. She's sad, bitter and angry: sad for Laura Lee and her unfair death, bitter at Shauna and Jeff, and angry at the world.

Finally, night has fallen. The sun is lowering down the horizon, the cold air nipping at the skin, but she tried to ignore it. The camp smells of leaves, fire and earth. It's almost calming. Laughs and wind and fire crackling fill her ears. Jackie sits on a log which acts as a stool and closes her eyes.

Right now, when everyone is partying, she allows herself to be vulnerable. In the months following the summer, Jackie had come to care less and less about what others might have thought about her if her secret came to be known. So her facade had finally started to crumble.

Jackie sat on the log, her legs spreading far apart, her back hunched and with her face in her hands. She knew the others would look at her and make fun or feel sorry for her, but right now she didn't care too much. A quiet whine left her body and trickles of tears staining her cheeks. Something moves at her right side and she jumps up to see you holding two makeshift wooden bowls. "Hey, thought of giving you this. You haven't eaten at all".

Maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe Jackie would rather die, her body to be eaten by the people she loved most and then dissolve into the earth, broken apart by nature and scattered like a constellation. "I... I am fine" she mutters into her hands, trying to mask her sobs.

"But you're not Jackie. You're so not fine; don't you think I can see that?" she's taken aback by your teary eyes burning a hole through her heart. You push the tears back in and hand her the warm bowl of soup. "I am scared too, Jackie. We all are. But at least, just before the end...won't you try to be happy?" and you know that asking her this is stupid and pathetic, but you too need to push reality away. And Jackie doesn't have enough strength to deny you. "...You're right", she takes the makeshift wooden spoon and dips it into the brownish soup. She lets the earthy flavors fill her mouth. "This isn't half as bad as I thought it would be'' Jackie smiles as she sets the bowl down. A giggle leaves your lips as you stand up, your legs feel wobbly and your skin starts to feel uncomfortably hot. "Say... you wouldn't want to have... a dance with me, would you?" words slurred, you try to pry Jackie out of her log and she happily complies.

Jackie feels strange. She isn't in total control of her body, her mind is foggy, her body moves slowly and lazily. She looks at you with lovey dovey eyes, as if you are a goddess on earth who came to relieve her of her pain. She doesn't even care that Mari's and Alikah's eyes are on both of you; as of right now Jackie only sees you. But now her mind is playing tricks on her: she sees you on her bed, naked.

"W-what?" and now that discomfort is back again, twirling inside of her stomach. "What is it?" Jackie can only feel her body stiffen once again, swaying 'Uhhh shit'. "I- I, don't worry!" but you insist with that look on your face that she can't resist. "What? What is it? Are you feeling ill?".

Shit!. "N-no I-" it's almost like her brain can't form any coherent thought anymore. Why? Why now?!, you get closer to her, an inch from her ear "Do you need something?" God damn it. "I need to- I need-" Jackie stops dead in her tracks as she feels your leg accidentally pressing on her groin. Shit! No! No, no, no! Why?! What is wrong with you?

You look down to see something puffing under her dress. What the heck was she hiding there?. It takes you a moment to understand what it really is, and when you do, you let out a small 'ohh' of understanding.

"Do you have something to tell me?" and Jackie feels embarrassed: embarrassed, guilty and disgusting. How could she have those kinds of thoughts for a friend? She's no better than Jeff, she's no better than them. "I am so, so, so sorry please, please I' didn't mean to-' ' you cut off Jackie with a shush, take her hand into yours and guide her in the forest.

You lead Jackie through low tree branches and vines, through bushes and dirt until you stumble in a beautiful clearing. Hidden between the thick branches of the pine trees, away from the cabin, the uneven forest floor becomes flat, the trees give away to green grass and moss and flowers. On the way, Jackie had noticed strange scrapes on the trees, like a knife had cut through the bark.

"This is where I come when I'm overwhelmed. I found it while having lost myself after going to get the water. You remember that day I didn't come to the cabin after dark?" Jackie nods, waiting for your voice again "I actually had been walking on circles, some feets away from the cabin I took the wrong turn and ended up in the wrong place, here." From your pocket, you fish out a small cutting knife, an old candle and a couple of matches you had stolen from Dead Guy's stash. "Luckily, I had this with me" you gesture to the knife, "If I hadn't, I'm not sure I could have come back". You let your things fall to the base of a tree, forgotten. "So," you say as you sit down and pat the ground next to you "mind explaining what that was?".

Jackie feels as if her blood had become ice cold; she's terrified, so much so that she's stiff and can't bring herself to sit near you. "Come here" she awkwardly lets herself lay on the ground with her legs tucked under her body and away from you.

"I- I am..." throat closing in on her words, she takes a breath and gathers all the courage she has left in her heart "I wasn't happy once. Before. I didn't realized it once, Shauna helped me understand. Sometimes I faked begin happy just to see the people near me happy. To see my parents happy. But once I started to put my own happiness before, I understood". Jackie feels as if a block of ice got stuck in her throat and it's preventing her from speaking clearly.

"For the time we have left, I will continue begin myself. I- I don't care what others think of me" and maybe that last part was a lie, maybe she does care. Every human need reassurance. But when she says that, she's looking directly into your eyes, with determination. A smile graces your lips and Jackie feels as if she has died for a moment and her soul reached heaven "I understand you" which is far better than any 'okays or 'alright's she has gotten so far. "Y-you do? I thought, I thought you would be... grossed out", silence fills the air and Jackie's breath hitches, waiting for the final blow at her heart. "You could never 'gross me out' Jackie, why did you even thought about that?"

"I really thought that you might-" Jackie's words die engulfed in your arm, her head cradled on you, "You are safe with me". Something in her, a cage, breaks into million shining pieces and lets her heart beat red blood into her flesh. Jackie feels as if the old cruel world broke and left space for a new, shining future, one she shares with you. She weeps into your shoulder, finally understood, happy, euphoric, free from her own self and from the world's expectations.

You let her weep into you for some time, the sky's color changes from the purple and orange evening glow to a light cobalt, the stars already starting to show.

"Now, I want to ask you something else..." your cheeks feel suddenly hotter, thighs closing in on themselves. Jackie listens to you, and you're suddenly very interested on your hands. "That... thing that happened back there... why? Why did it happen while we were dancing?". Ohh shiiit.

Jackie feels sick. A ball of nausea forms in the deepest parts of her stomach and reaches out to her mouth. For a second, she feels like she will throw up. "Oh gosh, I'm so sorry I forgot, I-" and now, emotions and feelings of the past months come crashing down on her heart. And when she parts her lips, it is too late to stop.

"I... like you. I do. I've felt like this for a while now. Back there I don't- I don't know why I felt like that and why it happened, but t-that's not like me at all! I- I am-" but the silence that follows is enough for Jackie to stop. Right then and there, she knows she has lost you. "I should probably go..." she says to you; Jackie's muscles move to follow her torso but your arms hug her shoulders before she can escape you. For a moment she's confused and almost thinks an animal might have tackled her to the ground, but when she feels your touch on her cheeks, peace fills her heart. You lightly trace her small skin marks under her eyes and lean down to kiss her. In her eyes billions of stars shine and in her heart, billions of stars explode. Her body is lighter, almost made of condensed air. It almost feels like a sin when she touches your hand: like if her fingertips could dirty the beautiful soul in front of her. "I want you too" you say to her, a whisper. Now she truly is gone.

Jackie kisses you back with a passion you didn't know she had in her. Everything is forgotten: the dirt of the soil, the rotten cabin, the looks of the others, the touches of Jeff, the desire for Shauna, the desire to run from the world. Here and now, Jackie is at peace. Finally at peace, after months of hardship. Her heart beats and her blood runs, and she's happy. So, so very happy.

When you leave the kiss, Jackie feels lightheaded. A dark feeling inside of her screams to stay, to take, to devour. She takes you right back into her arms, clinging to you so hard that you're sure your bones will snap. The kiss becomes raw, hungry and dangerous; all lips and tongue and teeth. Her hand cradles the back of your head and with the free hand, she claws at your shirt. There is a feeling blooming inside her groin and stomach; she wants to devour and be devoured. You get rid of your clothes and discard them aside. Now Jackie can see you in all your beauty, skin shaded by the blue evening night.

It's getting dark.

"Maybe, maybe we shouldn't..." Jackie whispers in your mouth but makes no effort to stop. Your hands find her soft skin, you cradle her head upwards facing you, "Let morning come". Your hands find Jackie's skin underneath her dress and her breath stops, she tries to gulp down air in her lungs but they feel tight. Your hands are just so soft and she feels so good, so right here with you. For the first time in a while, she doesn't have to be in charge of anything. For the first time, she can be her whole, broken self without needing to be something she's not. With a trembling voice, Jackie asks you to help her out of her dress. The cold air hits Jackie all at once, making her shiver but she is too caught up in you to care. As soon as the dress is off her hands are already on your skin, touching wherever they could. "I- I want to..." but she couldn't find in herself the strength to say what she wanted, needed to do. Instead, Jackie decided to crash her lips into yours again and rest her hand on your back, atop the clasps of your bra, a silent request. The dizziness of before had almost worn off by the time you were bare before her. A breathy sigh left Jackie's lips "Wowza...", you couldn't help but let out a giggle "Really? 'Wowza'?".

"What?! I couldn't help it..." her words trail off when her gaze falls to your chest. Fingers come down on you, caressing and touching and groping at every inch of skin she finds. She props you up on her lap, trying to relive the pain of her hardness starting to show. It's almost embarrassing how desperate she is, her cheeks are flushed red, her eyes unfocused and watery. Jackie's lips circle your nipple, biting and licking and sucking and tugging at your skin. Jackie's length gets harder and hard by the minute, for every time her name falls off your lips. All the uncomfortable and guilt has gone, leaving behind something dark and primal. She starts to hump on your ass while continuing to suck on you. "Oh, I see someone is eager" and all that confidence she had goes right out of the window, her sober self comes out more embarrassed than before "Oh- gosh I'm-I am sor-" but she is shut down by your grinding down on her. "Who said you could lead tonight?".

Oh shit I'm so into this.

"N-no one..." her voice came out shaking with excitement, the prospect of the night and all the scenarios playing out in her head.

"That's right, you deserve a break" not as sexy as she would have wanted, but this is fine too. More than fine. She was tired of feigning leadership. Your hands fiddle with the waistband of her underwear, feeling around the skin of her waist. This feels like a torture to Jackie. "Please, I-..." she meets your hands and tries to grind into you. As teasing as ever, your touch skims right on her thighs, squeezing and stroking her skin. "Tsk, I thought you wanted to be taken care of. Maybe I should stop?".

"N-no! No, please I will be good I promise". Jackie settles back against the earth, her puppy eyes looking up at you with the fear that you won't touch her anymore. "That's what I wanted to hear". Finally your fingers dip under her waistband and pull, freeing her after what felt like an eternity. Now, the both of you are bare against each other. "What do you want me to do, Jackie?" after some thought, Jackie says, "I... I want to taste you... Please....".

Now you take her place, laying down on the earth. Jackie watches you with adoration while her fingers start to travel downwards. Her fingers part your legs and she kisses the skin of your thighs, just mere inches away from where you need her the most. You whisper her name, wanting her to get on with it, to please you. At that, Jackie dips into you. After months of desire, it feels like heaven on earth. Her fingers tease your clit, circling it multiple times before moving down. But you're not prepared enough for the intrusion. So, Jackie starts to suck on you. She's so attentive and shy it makes you want to cry. You ground on her face and hear her letting out a whimper, she's getting pleasure from this too. When you are wet enough, Jackie's ring finger teases your opening and enters. You have already done this before, but it pales in comparison on how Jackie is making you feel. Almost like a shock running through your body and a wildfire spreading in your limbs. And you are sure that if Jackie continues, you will combust on the spot. Finger flicking your nipples, tongue occasionally joins her fingers to lick up your slit, eyes always fixated on your face twisted in pleasure. You look under her to see her free hand stroking her length quickly, white wetness dripping from it. "I- I am about to..." but your words die in your throat. When Jackie comes up again, the lower part of her face is covered in your release, she's still stroking herself. "Please, please I need it, I need it" she continued as she came closer to you. "What do you need Jackie?" she whimpers, desperately humping into her hand "y-you please. Your... mouth".

You smile at her, reaching to tease her length but just a few movements of your hand are enough to send her over the edge. Jackie gasps when she comes undone, her hands tightening over your shoulder. "O-Oh God I, I usually last way more than this..." you snort at her, "Hm? Way more?". Her brows are furrowed, cheeks red with embarrassment "...ok, a bit more". You decide to stop teasing her and reach down, sucking the last drops of her release. Her moans encourage you to get on top of her, legs straddling her hips on both sides. Slowly, you began grinding down on her.

"Oh... I like this'' Jackie moans in your mouth, hands exploring every inch of your skin. After what feels like an eternity, you line up Jackie's lengt with your slit, sliding it from under you on purpose and meeting her hips. "Please... stop teasing..." she lets out a grunt, her hands rest steady on your hips and she begins to drag you down on her. You like this double sided version of Jackie. All her dominance goes straight out of the window when she enters you. It takes an unholy amount of strength for Jackie to not start pounding in you, and to keep herself from coming too fast. She pants as if she's shoulder deep inside a pool of cold water, shaky. It's the first time she has reacted this way to having sex. Usually, she could keep a cool, passionate demeanor but she's so excited to do this with you. It feels different from any other casual sex encounters she had.

You still above her. She has reached the deepest point she could, cuddled between dark and hot and wet. It feels too much to you and you rest your head on her shoulders, trying to catch your breath. She is so delicate with you, whispering sweet encouragements on how -"you take me so well", "You can do it" and "I like you so, so much"-. You're the one that starts to move, surprising Jackie who was still in the middle of her praise. Her breath hitches when she feels you move on her, slowly and methodically taking her to the tip and all the way back. This is perfect.

You rest your hands on her shoulder and hers rest on your hips, guiding you back and forth on her. The grip is tight enough that you can feel your skin bruise under her touch. "Fas-faster please..." you try to comply, bouncing on her faster than before, but your legs feel wobbly and uncertain. When she sees that you can't go any faster, Jackie trusts up into you and meets your hips with force, bouncing you up and down. "I-I'm sorry I' can't go slower..." it feels so good you can't really complain about it. Now you have regained enough strength to meet Jackie halfway, both of you lost in a frenzy of pleasure. She's loud, almost yelling and in the back of your mind, you are terrified someone might come and take a look, but another part of you is thrilled at the prospect of begin found out. You are a bit shocked when Jackie's hand comes down on your ass, but you don't complain. If someone walked past you, they would immediately understand what was happening.

The only sounds that can be heard in the forest are your whimpers, moans, the slapping of skin, wind and chirping and, a little farther, yelling and rabid howls of creatures that resemble humans. But that is not important right now. Your minds are too lost in pleasure to think that, in the dark corners of the night, something could wait for the chance to pounce on you.

Jackie starts to move faster than you can keep up. She moves so you lay your back against the dirt and face her. She brings your leg up and opens the space between your thighs more, allowing herself easier access. She begins to pound into you, faster and harder and sloppier than before. She has no rhythm left, no care, only pleasure and the need to relieve both herself and you in her mind. She grabs your leg hard, not letting go in fear that if she does, you might vanish into thin air. "I am close, I am gonna-" she doesn't want to cum, not right now: this moment should last forever. But she can't hold herself back anymore.

From the dark, a pair of brown eyes had spied on the both of you. Shauna was hungry and her hunger was so grand that it made her vision, her brain and the world around her blurry. She was chasing Travis, along the others but had been left behind when she heard sounds coming from behind some bushes. Her mouth had watered thinking it could be an animal but she got let down when she realized the sounds were coming from you. Her initial shock had been replaced by annoyance. She had so hoped to get something beneath her teeth, but to no avail. Then, hate had bubbled its way through her veins and into her heart. She hated you at that moment. The both of you. Shauna couldn't understand if she wanted to be with Jackie or in between you two. Sure, she thought of Jackie before, during the night hours but she hadn't dared to make the first move. And then, when Jackie had gotten with Jeff, she was hellbent on having all of her. She did realize that there was something sparking between the two of you after the first few games, but she kept quiet. She imagined herself, between bodies. Skin and sweat and kisses. She thought of taking Jackie's while kissing you, of guiding your head down, of bending Jackie over and-. Her stomach growled. It was loud enough she could clearly hear it, but not enough for you two to get suspicious of anything. That fantasy of hers would never happen. She retreated back into the dark.

Jackie is moving fast against you, hips slapping repeatedly up on yours and hands reaching every little bit of skin she can. From deep inside her groin, she feels something snap. She's not gentle with you anymore. Something raw and angry has taken control over her brain. Jackie slipped out of you and snuck behind, her arm lifting up your leg before entering once again. In this position she can reach deeper and move faster. She's being too hard on you. A scowl appears on her face when you try to slow her down by slipping from her grasp, "You- you will, you will stay here a-and take-" growling, her fingers grip at your flesh again, harder this time.

A knot snaps inside your guts and without managing to yell a warning, you release on Jackie's. She feels you dripping down on her. Your coming prompts her to do the same: Jackie gives a final long and hard thrust and leaves you empty, releasing on the soil.

She falls on top of you, spent "O-oh wowza. That... that felt amazing". You laugh at her "Again, 'wowza'?! It's not sexy Jackie" she mumbled something back at you and then hid her face in the crook of your neck. You're silent, now left with the remnants of your lovemaking and the constant presence of death looming over you. A faint trace of cold is coming out of the earth and down on you. "What do we do now?" she asks, embracing and shivering against you "Did- did we do something bad? What's gonna happen now? We will all still die-" her voice hitches. She's crying: tears fall down your skin as she nuzzles on it. You take her hand, tracing patterns on it, "We will manage".

Days later, when Jackie finally confronts Shauna, secrets get spilled. Of affairs, of grudges that lasted years, even of your lovemaking with Jackie. She had stormed out of the cabin: just like she feared, everyone had turned on her. Jackie watches the fire, cold seeping in her bones and her mind getting groggy. Shauna walks to Jackie, hand embracing her best friend's back. "Come inside" you say, your features and voice replacing Shauna's. In the back of her mind Jackie wants to preserve her dignity: walking back into the house would mean to admit that she had lost the argument; but staying out here could kill her. Jackie follows you, gripping at your arm tightly. Everyone is asleep; you lead her to rest on one open spot near the fire, finally hugging her cold body to yours. "Rest easy" and she doesn't need to be told twice, falling asleep right away in your arms. Next morning, it was snowing.

[maxphilippa]

people not getting nickel at all is so funny to me.

dude. what part of "he was acting out of fear because he didn't want to get manipulated by balloon since he did have story with him back then in s1, and wanted to protect his friends/alliance, and EVEN IF HE MESSED UP A LOT WITH SUITCASE AND BALLOON, it wasn't out of malice, but out of misguided fear and lack of proper communication that turned into something worse due to Nickel's nature." you don't get. it's not about forgetting what he did or treating him as likeable or anything. he very much didn't forgive himself over what happened and let BALLOON HIMSELF KNOW that he DIDN'T have to forgive him. he is OKAY with accepting his faults and with balloon not wanting to be part of that change because HE RECOGNIZES THAT HE WAS AN ASSHOLE TO SUITCASE AND TO HIM. CLOVER'S THERAPY SESSION DID SOMETHING TO HIM. HE'S TAKING ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.

of course i can totally get not liking him on s2, he wasn't really one of my faves but hey! he grew and recognized that what he did was wrong! adam himself said that he did care about suitcase and bb, but his lack of EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE doomed their alliance. nickel isn't justifying himself with "oh but i was scared of balloon", he is accepting that his fear towards him changed into something else that he couldn't control.

also btw have you considered that they didn't know what to do with nickel on s2. if you deeply analyze him it makes sense as to why he changed so much on s3. "ohhhhh but he was a dick to Suitcase since the start" again. have you considered that nickel's writing has changed a lot over time. he's pure snark there but even then still cared mid-late s2. i could do a whole separate post analyzing his relationship with Suitcase from both of their perspectives but that's not the point. if that was the point of his thing with suitcase it wouldn't made sense for nickel to say "i just wanted to keep what we had".

AS WELL I WANT TO NOTE SOMETHING. His relationship with Balloon getting better WASN'T out of nowhere. On the comics, Balloon sent Nickel a letter when he wanted to fix things with others, and maybe that was also a factor that played for Nickel too. Remember that Nickel is a guy that acts first and thinks later. As well, Balloon references that Nickel and him used to trick Yinyang back at the Hotel. Nickel changed a lot in s3 and didn't have Baseball who was excusing his unhealthy behaviour either. Box helped these two to grow for the better.

tl;dr: nickel has one of those arcs that i need to study like a bug and everyone still treating him like a villain despite wanting to grow and understanding that his actions were terribly wrong is so funny to me. also balloon very much did end up liking the guy genuinely when they were friends as well. people can grow and change. people who had terrible relationships can heal and can get better.

[raes-writing-space]

My Comfort Characters + Comfort Prompts!

Alright! Since it's Spring Break I'm going to try and get some writing done with some of my comfort characters. They might be short prompts (unless I get really into them) but I'll try and post at least one story a day, maybe even two if I have the time!

SOME OF THESE WILL HAVE MATURE THEMES AND MENTIONS OF TRAUMA. TW: SA Mention in one of Matthew's Prompts.

Here is the characters with the prompts that I'll be going for (some based off of my own experiences but put in a way that others can relate to.):

Dick Grayson/Nightwing - Being Touch Starved/Wanting A Hug (General Comfort) Sometimes being a hero is taxing, and when your body is trained to handle blow after blow... sometimes a hug is enough to make you release a lot of feelings you didn't know you were even holding in. Dick Grayson notices your change in demeanor, and just does a simple act of giving you a long hug and telling you it's going to be okay.

Tadashi Hamada - Academic Burnout Comfort After doing your best in your academics, you still feel like you're falling behind or just on the wrong academic path in general. Tadashi helps comfort reader that if they want to take a break and rethink things, it's totally okay.

Matthew Anderson - Having To Grow Up Too Fast/Lack of Childhood Comfort After having to take care and deal with so many traumatic things at a young age, it's made you feel like an adult, even when you weren't. Now that you are an adult, looking back and realizing you couldn't just be a kid and have a normal childhood really upsets you. Matthew comforts the character and shows them that while it might not be the same, it's still possible to just act like a kid and heal your inner child.

AND (TW: SA Mention) Matthew Anderson - Respecting Boundaries Comfort You and Matthew have been dating for awhile. However, you're finding a hard time telling him about your past experience with being sexually assaulted. When Matthew starts noticing that you're starting to distance yourself from him before things start to heat up, he asks if you're okay and comfortable with him. When you tell him the truth, he comforts you and tells you that he will always love you regardless if you want to have sex or not.

Yuji Itadori - Perfectionist Tendencies Leading To Self-Esteem Issues Comfort You've been wanting to become an jujutsu sorcerer and help people your whole life, but you hold yourself to a different standard. After making a tiny mistake (which does not feel tiny to you at all) you start to doubt that you'll ever be good enough. Yuji comforts the reader and tells them that we can't all be perfect all the time, that we need to forgive ourselves from time to time, and we can only strive to do our best.

Obey Me! Satan - Learning Disability/Gifted Child Burnout Comfort You used to be great with academics when you were younger, and maybe in some subjects you still are just as good. But now that you're older and in a completely new academic environment, no one but Satan sees how you struggle to study, and stress yourself out to the point of crying when the words on the page seem to get jumbled up and not make sense to you. Satan helps you take a break, then helps make the studying process a little bit easier.

Ruggie Bucchi - Not Knowing When To Take A Break Comfort You're the type of person who is so used to being tasked with everything. Cleaning, cooking, studying, and caring for others, but that means you tend to forget to take care of yourself a lot. After feeling overwhelmed by the tasks you have to do, you make yourself on the verge of being sick because you can't seem to just pause anything. Ruggie helps the reader by forcing them to sit down before they collpase, and helps share the load with the reader and shows that it's possible to let other people take care of them too.

Cove Holden - Struggling With Things Changing Comfort Takes place around Step 3, when all of your friends and family are taking about their plans for the future, you start to realize what that exactly means. The feelings hit you all at once that things aren't going to be the same anymore, and while you're happy for your friends and family, the change still scares you. Cove reminds you that no matter what happens, he will always be there for you through everything, and that while things are changing, some things will always stay the same.

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT 4 Months: Sunset & Sunrise

Content warning: Dark tone, Family trauma

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 I'm writing this a bit sooner than I thought. I don't actually want to write this out, but everyone keeps telling me I'll feel better if I express my feelings. To be honest to myself, I really hope that's the case, I could really use a pick-me-up. 

So I ended up talking with my family. Telling them everything. Not like I could hide it anymore, now that my hair is made of goo. I guess I can write about that first. Might be nice for a bit to just think about myself. I woke up last Sunday to find my hair a lot heavier than normal, it was already pretty gooey, with strands of hair sticking together or just kinda always being wet. It also felt a lot more rough than before, I could find split ends everywhere, everyday. That night though, the change in my body sped into overdrive. I woke up to find some of my hair giving way and sticking to my pillow. It's really weird, like those sandy soaps made of a bunch of spheres. It made it feel like I was wearing a pile of clay on my head. It also suds up super fast. Just a bit of water and my hair turns into a perm of soap bubbles. It doesn't have a smell but it gave me an idea. Plucking some lavender I was growing outside, I stuck some in my hair, after a couple hours my house flooded with the scent of that purple plant. I definitely put too much in, way too overpowering. Still, it's super cool to be able to change my scent. so now I've been looking into soap making recipes, after all, might as well take advantage of it.

But with every upside, there's a bunch of downsides too. Nothing physical of course, well besides the fact there's no way I could pass off sandy sky-blue sludge as normal hair no matter how many hats I put on, and Sundays just happen to be the day that my family likes to get together for brunch. I still haven't told them, I just couldn't. They wouldn't get it. I knew they wouldn't get it. So I made the decision to call my mother, to let her know I was feeling sick and I couldn’t make it. That's all it was supposed to be, just that. But when that phone call was about to end, when she told me she loved me I…

Everything spilled out at that point. It felt like it wasn't even me talking, I just had to sit there trapped in this wrong, wrong, wrong body as words and emotions poured out of my mouth that I didn't have a faucet to turn off. I don’t really even remember what I said, but I know what I told her, what I was doing, the pain I was going through, and the plea for forgiveness. She didn’t speak, not for a while at least. Then I heard it. The three words I didn’t want to hear, before she even spoke I could feel myself mentally barricading myself away from the inevitable blast my psyche was about to receive. “Are you sure?” 

Are you sure?? ARE YOU SURE?! What did that even mean??? Am I sure of what I’m doing? Am I sure everything will go alright? Am I sure I want to smash every mirror that gets near me? No. I knew what she was asking. It was all of them. It was every question. Are you sure it’s safe? Are you sure you can handle the harassment? Are you sure you want to hurt me and the people around you because of this? Maybe that last one isn’t fair to her. I don’t know. It felt like she said it.

I remember that night, when I told my mother I was trans. I was still living with her at that time. She asked the same question, and I told her yes. We talked for a while after that as I explained more of it to her, but when I climbed up to my bedroom, and when I looked back, her face was in her hands, and she had started to cry. She later admitted to me that she was terrified of possible persecution and the hate I’d get by simply existing. But that image was still stuck in my head, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I don’t expect to ever forgive it, and I could tell as I sat in my bed, holding my medication close, she had her head in her hands, holding back tears as she told me she loved me. I just apologized, I don’t know what for. I just felt like I had to. I said that I loved her, she said it again, and I hung up.

I spent the next few hours dissociating in my bed. Simply trying to stop thinking about how badly that all went. Bottling up every emotion I could get my hands on while the others I couldn’t reach in time became tears. It also turns out that goo for hair is really hard to maintain when under a lot of stress. When I came to, most of my hair had fallen onto my bed sheets. Spent way too much time scrubbing it out the scent of lavender. I don’t think I can stand that scent anymore. At least my new hair regrew quickly during my tea break. I don’t really know if writing all this helped. Maybe I’ll just have to sleep on it.

After I cleaned myself up, I spent the rest of the day ignoring my mental health. I just sat on my computer staring at a bunch of games I didn't want to play, and a bunch of videos I didn't want to watch. I sorta just stared at my monitor until I realized I had gotten around ten notifications from friends asking if I was doing alright. My girlfriend had messaged me before the phone call with my mother, and after not receiving a message for six hours, she started to get worried. She practically forced me into a voice call and wanted to make sure I was doing alright, I lied and said I was, she didn't believe me and didn't pry further. We talked for a while until I brought up the phone call on my own. Then she told me she loved me, and said she'd be there for me always. She stayed with me the entire time, as I started crying again, and she let me cry, waited patiently, and then asked if I wanted to watch some silly videos. I really did. Sometimes it's really hard to remember there's still people that do care about you. I'm sure my mother cares in her own way, even if she's not aware how much it messed me up. I don't know how things will go in the future, if there's going to be even more pain. But I think I'll be ok, at the very least there are people who can pick me up when I can't keep running, people who will slow down and walk with me. I'll be ok, I'm gonna run to see what the future holds.

Update: So, I'm not really sure how to say this. Writing about yesterday really helped me out so maybe today will help as well. I was working my shift today, construction work, and my legs suddenly gave out under me while I was carrying a heavy frame. It was like my bones just bent, and I couldn't stand up right. I basically got flattened but there weren't any serious injuries Or anything. My bones weren't broken, no bad cuts, just what's definitely going to be a lot of bruising. I got forced to take some extended medical leave. Paid of course, but I guess this means the next few months are just going to be focused on my changes while I wait around in bed. Which is good, I could use a change of pace.

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Mention list: @a-shramp

[calliesmemes]

A HOME FOR THE HEART

ASSORTED QUOTES PULLED FROM TUMBLR POSTS, PINTEREST POSTS, AND SONGS.

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   Half of seeming clever is learning when to keep your mouth shut. ”

“   I don’t understand … what exactly are you doing? ”

“   Fun isn’t something I’m particularly familiar with. ”

“   I will be gentle with your heart — I promise. ”

“   You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known. ”

“   If we beat ourselves up after a mistake, we add shame onto the guilt and frustration that we already feel about our mistake. ”

“   Your pain is safe with me and I will stay with you longer than your sorrows if you let me. ”

“   I am broken, and full of contradictions. ”

“   We cannot afford avoiding the fight for growth and understanding, even when that fight is as painful as it’s bound to be. ”

“   At the moment, I am quite busy tearing down who I once was. ”

“   You have to challenge yourself, and keep learning new things. ”

“   I implore you — it’s time to come back from the dark. ”

“   You’re dangerous, but you lack ambition. ”

“   I became good at pretending. I became so good that after a while the lines blurred between my truth and fiction. I even fooled myself. ”

“   You will miss so much by being guarded. ”

“   What is destructive is impatience, haste, expecting too much too fast. ”

“   I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. ”

“   By all means break the rules, and break them beautifully and deliberately and well. ”

“   We can't do whatever we want. There are ways we have to act. There are things we have to say. But we can think whatever we want. ”

“   I think I love nearly everyone I have ever met. ”

“   It is the destiny of stars to collapse. ”

“   I belong to you. ”

“   What I was before wasn’t good for me. ”

“   Leave me to my own absurdity. ”

“   I have such trust in you, my heart. My dear, dear heart. ”

“   I’m restless and harsh and despairing. ”

“   You can be better than this. ”

“   I am not arrogant; I simply know my place. It’s quite far above yours. ”

“   Should I regret what I became, or should I regret what I didn’t become? ”

“   You are too nostalgic; you want memory to secure you, console you. ”

“   I am afraid to experience what I don’t understand — I always want the guarantee of at least thinking that I understand. ”

“   My heart is too good to be silent. ”

“   The quiet of the night is astonishingly beautiful. ”

“   When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. ”

“   I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then. ”

“   It’s frightening that there’s no guarantee you’ll be loved. ”

“   I think too deeply about everything. I still don’t know if that allows me to see more of the world, or less of it. ”

“   The truth is messy. It's raw and uncomfortable. You can't blame people for preferring lies. ”

“   See, forgiveness doesn't happen all at once. It's not an event―it's a process. ”

“   You must walk alone to find your soul. ”

“   I like flaws. I think they make things interesting. ”

“   People can easily forget that others are human. ”

“   By one act, I have ruined everything. ”

“   My bloodline is irrelevant to my value. ”

“   Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something that they need to forgive. ”

“   Who are you to judge me? ”

“   Poets — they can be soldiers, too. ”

“   I’m afraid to let go. ”

“   People can’t feel truly loved if they don’t feel seen for who they truly are. ”

“   Grief always grows back. ”

“   Maybe lying is itself a kind of art. ”

“   What thing worthy of love can be found in me? ”

“   I don't know anything anymore. Is that normal? Is it normal for someone to just go blank? ”

“   This was always going to happen. ”

“   I found with you a life force that I thought I’d lost. ”

“   I fear I will be ripped open and found unsightly. ”

“   We cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever. ”

“   If a poem hasn’t ripped apart your soul, you haven’t experienced poetry. ”

“   My life has changed, and I’m changing with it. ”

“   Things are sweeter when they’re lost. ”

“   How foolish we are to believe that we are more powerful than the sea or the sky. ”

“   Grief is really just love. It’s all the love that you want to give, but cannot. ”

“   They think that I’m purely decorative, and they’re fools for not knowing better. ”

“   Isolation is a way to know ourselves. ”

“   How many people am I? Who am I? ”

“   I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone. ”

“   Stories make us more alive, more human, more courageous, more loving. ”

“   I love you, but I cannot survive you. ”

“   Shame keeps us stuck. It’s a paralyzing emotion. ”

“   I am, at present, wrestling with my own private angels. ”

“   You’re looking for this wonderful thing that you may never get. ”

“   If nothing saves us from death, at least love should save us from life. ”

“   Come on; dance with me. ”

“   If it’s darkness we’re having, let it be extravagant. ”

“   You don't always need to be getting stuff done. Sometimes it's perfectly okay, and absolutely necessary, to shut down and do nothing. ”

“   What would you ask for, if you knew that the answer would be yes? ”

“   Love is also a violence, and it cannot be undone. ”

“   Some things are more precious because they don’t last long. ”

“   You are afraid to die, and you are afraid to live. ”

“   I do understand — and it is terrible. ”

“   How do you become so empty? Who takes everything out of you? ”

“   I can’t abandon the person that I used to be. ”

“   Strength is what I want. Strength not to endure, I have that and it has made me weak — but strength to act. ”

“   I want everything back the way it was. But there is no point, this wanting. ”

“   My guilt will not purify me. ”

“   I guess I thought that by now, I’d be done with shame. ”

“   My father and I are more alike than I’d care to admit. ”

“   I am not asking. I’m begging — please. ”

“   It was a long time ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. ”

“   You people do not understand me, and I am afraid that you never will. ”

“   Endure what you deserve. ”

“   I pity the dark life that you live. ”

“   Don’t be the sort of person who needs to be held. ”

“   I am beginning to despair and can only see two choices: go mad, or go holy. ”

“   We are enemies linked together. ”

“   What lived and died between us haunts me still. ”

“   Betrayal already points to love. You can’t betray an acquaintance. ”

“   The dead only return for love or for revenge. Which did you come back for? ”

“   Every version of the story ends with you being slaughtered. ”

“   How can I ask anyone to love me, when all I can do is beg to be left alone? ”

“   If I didn’t think, I’d be much happier. ”

“   We are nothing more or less than what we choose to reveal. ”

“   How dangerous to finally have something worth losing. ”

“   Peace was never an option. ”

“   I will not water myself down to make my suffering more digestible for you! ”

“   Talent is insignificant. I know a lot of talented ruins. ”

“   Beyond a certain point, there is no return. ”

“   Anger is hard to ignore. ”

“   It is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire. ”

“   Broken girls blossom into warriors. ”

“   I don’t know if I believe in rage as something always acting in opposition to tenderness. I believe, more often, in the two as braided together. ”

“   But it was too much. All of it was too much. ”

“   Time just gets away from us. ”

“   I’d rather live with a tender heart, because that is the key to feeling the beat of all the other hearts. ”

“   I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me. ”

“   The core of me is untouched. ”

“   I must have been very hard for him to love. ”

“   I understand now that I'm not a mess, but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. ”

“   Why couldn't people's insides match their outsides? The world would be such a wonderful place if the nicer someone was, the more beautiful they became. ”

[galexibrain]

Hnnnnng something about Vegeta's entire arc that I find so important is that he didn't change BEFORE becoming an ally (sort of).

I've seen ppl call him "undeserving" of a family or of forgiveness and happiness bc he didn't formally apologize for being a prick but. Hnnnnnnnnnnnngggggg.

He only became capable of change, of feeling remorse for what he did, and subsequently caring enough to put his life on the line for others BECAUSE he had a family.

After Namek he hadn't changed at all. It took him more than ten years of domestic life and a brief return to his old ways before he finally was able to admit that ok, he's changed, he likes the way things are now.

People grow with their circumstances. Vegeta wasn't a poor uwu boi at any point we see him in canon. Freezer's subordinate or not - he was horrible. Despicable.

And maybe he deserved death.

In another fandom, about a character with a situation not totally unlike Vegeta's, someone once said:

"No character deserves a redemption arc. They either have one, or they don't."

Killing Vegeta, or shooing him away after Namek wouldn't have done any good. It wouldn't have brought back all those he'd killed. Not the billions of unnamed people on other planets, not Elder Tsuno's village. Moori says so in Moro Arc: they didn't forget what Vegeta's done, but they know holding a grudge won't help. And guess what? Now Vegeta's saving them all. (Not by himself but he has a key role in defeating Moro.)

Justice isn't when the villain "gets what they deserve".

Later, and I'm including Super/Moro arc here, bc that one hit SO GOOD, Vegeta uses the fact that he's still alive despite all he's done to try and do something good with that sorry life of his. And he helps make the universe a little better. He saves lives, in some cases gives them back, even.

And that's the key for me: the universe would not be a better place without Vegeta in it. There's no longer anything left to achieve by killing him for the sake of "justice" (a word that can mean many things).

Vegeta knows he's on borrowed time: once he dies he will face the music. He's accepted that, ever since Buu. But while he's at it, he can do more good than he could if he was dead.

A redemption arc isn't "oh, this character is sorry for what he's done, now we can forgive him". A redemption arc is an arc, and it must start somewhere, usually when a villain is still far from being redeemed. (Surprise lol.)

[dropintomanga]

Vinland Saga's Grand Moment of Forgiveness

I knew fans of Makoto Yukimura's Vinland Saga were talking about this moment when it happened. And when I finally got to it, I was just overwhelmed.

I recently confronted some feelings about a situation that happened to me a long time ago. After a few conversations with friends about the ordeal, I realized that the person involved in that situation was toxic for my heart. They used me as way to ignore their own trauma. I think I repressed my anger out of genuine love when I should have respectfully expressed my frustrations with that person.

I'm fond of the Hild character, even though it doesn't seem like she has a lot of fans at times. I liked how she wanted to keep a close eye on Thorfinn, who was trying so hard to to define his life after the Farm arc, out of vengeance. Hild didn't believe that people could change for the better. I mean, who would think a person who's killed many people (including your father) can be redeemable? I myself have been disappointed in people over the years and have seen them change for the worst.

But like Hild has, I've gotten to understand why some people do bad things and ruin relationships. Then I stopped being so angry. I actually feel sorry for them. I started to forgive them quite a bit. Everyone's trying so hard to live and figure things out, even if the paths they take might be goddamn awful. It never helps when outside forces try to make us fight one another.

Although therapy helped, I think being out more with communities around me made me understand people better and forgive them as needed. Seeing Hild grow alongside Thorfinn's crew and coming to her own truth made me reflect on my experiences.

I cried so hard after hearing Hild said "I forgive you." I know people say "I love you" is a powerful statement, but "I forgive you" is even more powerful. I really think people want to do good, but either don't know how to, just gave up, or no one ever believes in them. We also are too damn stressed about making mistakes. There's so many times where we get too apologetic (myself included) as if we really hurt someone, but people who care will tell you not to be.

Also, forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what happened to you. It's okay if you can't forgive someone for wronging you. Forgiveness is difficult. What matters is finding peace with yourself first and foremost. Once that happens, beautiful things can start to happen and you can make healthier connections that show how much people can change for the better.

Maybe it will make you forgive the world just a bit and help you move forward.

[sophisticatedaiphos]

✧ Weekly TWST Reblog Replies! - #1 ✧

idk if i'll make this a consistent thing, mainly because i'm inconsistent- but I do like replying to other people's opinions on my posts, so yeah! expect these every week for the most part, unless there's no reblogs..

credits : @cafekitsune for the dividers

reply to @usurper-of-heavens - No, you're absolutely not underestimating them. I wholly believe that that the characters in-game mischaracterize Kalim just as much as the fandom does. I will argue that for the characters, it's actually reasonable, since not all of them know him all that well. Even so, the fact that a ton of them don't think about what it means to be an heir to a throne, minus the pampering and luxurious life, is kinda crazy to me..

I'm more so disappointed that the princes don't recognize this, and although Malleus was probably fine his whole life, why does Leona not acknowledge this idea? If I had to guess, it's mainly because some of Leona's trauma stems from his being born second and being outcast from the throne. Maybe seeing Kalim so oblivious and happy makes him forget the idea that Kalim could also go through anything similar to the rejection he faced during childhood.

reply to @magimerlyn - This is a wonderful statement that I totally agree with, Kalim is mindful enough to continue working with Jamil even after discovering Jamil's feelings about him, opting to try and become less dependent on him while not throwing him to the side, considering that he has the power to get rid of Jamil. Yes, some of his emotional stability relies on Jamil being around, but that's exactly why he's trying to grow more as a person, and be more mindful of the choices he makes involving Jamil. Chances are, Jamil wouldn't magically outgrow his habits of taking care of Kalim even if Kalim did immediately grant his freedom and close off their relationship. Either way, Kalim would probably be granted some reprieve from his grievances if someone as helpful and dedicated as Jamil came along that he could trust trust. Now whether this would affect Kalim and Jamil's relationship?.. we'll leave that to the fanfic writers..

reply to @flying-mochis - Yeah, Kalim has several moments where he openly shows his innovation in attempts to develop more personally by not relying on Jamil all the time. Book 5 - Chapter 10 is a great example of Jamil's development, because he's willing to continue aiding Kalim despite probably being able to prove himself as better than him. Of course, this is partially because of his ruined reputation, but you can't deny that he isn't being super spiteful despite the fact that his plan to overthrow Kalim didn't work.

reply to @tinisprout - Exactly, like my poor boy!!! We'll listen!! 😭😭😭 In reality, I don't think Kalim would ever willingly vent if it wasn't in private like that moment, because of his fear of ruining his reputation as the happy go-lucky housewarden who's always oblivious and naive yet kind. It's a standard he needs to uphold, and maybe Kalim is afraid of getting help from others because he might be a burden to them, in the same way he limited Jamil from ever showing his full potential. This is more of a theory, but still.. Our sweet boy doesn't deserve this.. 😭😭

reply to @twsted-canvas - Yeah, I can't blame you... Twst's put 0 development into Grim's character in regards to caring for others, which is so lame- Give us student Grim who secretly cares for his first year friends and Yuu, but denies it!! In all aspects, if he didn't have a bad personality, he would be a very cute lil kitty. (still don't forgive you for changing the topic while kalim was venting you asshat)

[pumpkincarriage3]

Jamil Viper Character Analysis

Jamil is a character that I just adore. With all of his passive aggression and snarkiness, something we don't get to see nearly as often with some of the other characters.

But before we get into this, I wanted to discuss something I noticed. That being people hating Jamil's character because of what he did to Kalim. Seeing it purely from Kalim's perspective instead of Jamil's. And I feel like I should point out that there's a reason that Kalim still trusts Jamil even after what he did. Something I think people should think as to they why more than anything. Because people just look at it as Kalim being a naturally forgiving person, when there's more to it.

Now as for the why, well that's simple. Jamil could have done so much worse if he really wanted to. Because he doesn't actually hate Kalim, he hates what Kalim represents. And that's the system. A system that Jamil couldn't get away from. That he can't get away from.

That's why Jamil only wanted to either, A) take Kalim's Dorm Leader position from him (keep in mind, I'm not saying that Jamil wanted to be Dorm Leader, he just didn't want it to be Kalim) or B) Have Kalim cause a big enough scene that he would go home. That was it. That was Jamil's goal. Besides maybe being a little humiliating at most, considering Jamil only did the personality changes over break, he wouldn't have actually caused any lasting harm to Kalim.

It just got way out of hand because Azul and the twins got involved. And then Jade said he livestreamed the whole thing, which would have been horrifying to Jamil. Because he wouldn't just be thinking of himself. If word ever got back to the Asim's about what he orchestrated, it wouldn't just be Jamil on the chopping block. It would be his entire family. It's why he went so hysterical and overblotted. Because he's thinking he just ruined his entire family.

Keep in mind, for the Asim's poisoning in their family is normal. Who knows what they would do to a family that serves them if they found out they were betrayed? Let alone, that the person that was betrayed was their first-born son Kalim. This is a world where child labor, that slavery (because that's exactly what the relationship between the Asim's and the Viper's is implied to be, even if no one wants to say it) is normal. There's a chance that Jamil's family could have either, all been imprisoned or killed. It's no wonder Jamil completely lost his mind.

I can't say if Azul and the twins realized what the implications of what they were alluding to meant or not, but I can honestly see it going either way. Maybe they did and that was Azul's way of trying to back Jamil into a corner so he could have him for himself. Maybe they didn't and that's why they didn't consider the idea of Jamil losing it and overblotting. Who knows.

Because all Jamil was trying to do was make the system more barely to deal with, not ruin his family. And let's talk about the system and how its shaped him and his family. And why that makes Jamil who he is.

His entire life, Jamil has had to bend over backwards for Kalim and the Asim family. With the pressure that if he says and does anything wrong, he could ruin himself and his entire family. He would constantly have to be walking on eggshells. And he could never get away, because even on his breaks Kalim would seek him out. It would be a constant anxiety in the back of his mind.

Because no matter how kind Kalim and the rest of the Asim's are, Jamil's family would never let Jamil forget the position that they were in. That they constantly had to be thinking about how their actions effect the Asim's. Their actions were never for themselves, it was always for the Asim's, never anybody else. Jamil never got the chance to be and grow as a person because his family never let him out of the fear that he may offend someone in the Asim family.

With this in mind, no matter how Kalim acts or how Jamil might try to view him as a friend, he just can't. Because he can't even be himself. He would constantly have to be wracked with anxiety in the chance that something goes wrong, even if it wasn't his fault. Because if something happened to Kalim, he would be blamed even if he did nothing wrong. And his parents never let him forget that. He never had the chance to relax.

He had to be worse than Kalim because if a mere servant was better that their master at anything, it would be a great disrespect. Because Jamil was always tasked with the task of being Kalim's caretaker. Being his bodyguard. Had to live with the paranoia of not only his actions, but with the fact that someone might try to harm Kalim and it would fall on him to protect Kalim or him and his family would pay the price.

It's why Jamil now insists on making all of Kalim's food. It's at least something he can control. Because then he wouldn't have to worry about being a taste tester and being poisoned to protect Kalim if he was the one that made all the food. He can't even enjoy something as basic as cooking because it's not a hobby, it's a survival skill.

And things got so much worse at NRC. Because Jamil was the only person that Kalim could turn to, he had even more pressure on his back than normal. It's why he either wanted Kalim to lose the Dorm Leader position or go home. Because if Kalim was Dorm Leader, it was really Jamil doing all the work while Kalim got all the credit, on top of having to make sure nothing happened to Kalim.

It's why he does what he does. Because Kalim is unknowingly condescending in his actions because he doesn't even know what he's doing, which just makes Jamil even more upset. He never wanted to harm Kalim. He just doesn't want to deal with the responsibility that is Kalim, because it's something he never had a say in.

Even when Kalim gives him permission to act as himself and to finally have the freedom to achieve all that he can, that's all that it is. It's not true freedom, it's something he was given permission to do. It's why there's still that level of hesitancy in Jamil's actions. Because he's still just a servant. Something in the back of his mind he can never get away from.

Because even when he's given permission to act as himself, he just naturally tries to give credit to Kalim. To people of a higher standing than him. Because the difference of positions is so vast, something he's constantly been aware of, that he can't get away from it. Even when he finally has the chance. And that understandably, makes Jamil bitter. A vicious cycle he can't get away from because of the family he happened to be born into. Even if he adores his family.

And the worse part about it is that the Asim's and Kalim aren't even cruel or horrible people. They are kind. Which just adds salt to the wound, because Jamil can't even hate them for it because they aren't bad people. Which'll make it sting all the more.

[kitcat22]

Au idea where Turgon who is still Turukáno falls through the ice and dies on the Helcaraxe instead of Elenwe.

The dude is seriously tall and and the ice beneath him is thin so he falls through while carrying idril who still survives. Maybe he sinks so deeply they cant retrieve his body or maybe he dies of hypothermia or a fever afterwards lying sickly in a bed covered in fur and blankets with his daughter tucked up against him and his father and wife holding each of his hands. By the time Fingolfin arrives in Beleriand he has lost two sons instead of one and is even angrier than before. Idril grows up with her mother Elenwe who neither forgives nor forgets her husbands death. Maybe Gondolin never gets built seeing as Elenwe is one of the Vanyar (or because shes a women, but that depends on how you think elves view gender) or maybe the Noldor respect her as one of their own, the golden widow of one of their favourite princes and mother of one of their only princesses, who endured the grinding ice alongside them when her people refused to. I don’t see Elenwe being as favoured by Ulmo as Turgon was but maybe Ulmo still sends her visions out of love for Turgon and Idril. Maybe she builds Gondolin from the designs she and her husband drew together of a settlement in Beleriand during many cold restless nights. some things still change but this Elenwe hates the feanorians just as much as her husband might have in another world. Finrod also probably finds it harder to forgive Curufin and Celegorm who caused the death of his best friend. Aredhel definitely doesn’t forgive them not until long after shes reborn alongside her brothers. She and Elenwe either have an incredibly close relationship co raising Idril and are very dependent on one another or have a more complicated relationship were sometimes, just sometimes Aredhel cant help but wish it had been Elenwe instead. Elenwe who had been standing where her brother had stood mere moments before the ice cracked. Some times Elenwe wishes the same.

[annaraebananawriter]

Now what if I just took this ask right here and wrote a small little drabble for you all? Well, you’re answer doesn’t matter, because it’s already written. I do like it. And I hope you all do as well. Especially you, @dreemurr-skelememer.

5. Stone will never break (I’m never going to forgive myself)

When he first sees the statue, Dream believes he must be seeing things.

Because there’s no way other people were trapped like he was. No, that’s impossible. Nightmare would’ve gloated about the collection he’d made, would’ve rubbed in how it was all thanks to him that it was even possible. How it was his fault all those people were turned, forever frozen in time, eroding away slowly. His brother would’ve made sure he knew about the statues if they existed, and the simple fact that he didn’t means this sight in front of him did not exist.

At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself, gaze flicking over the person. The moss growing on their feet, the chipped rock on their chest and arms, the crack through their head. Chest feeling tight, he keeps looking, still trying to convince himself this isn’t real.

It’s all a bad dream. It is. 

Wake up now, please.

But nothing changed. The statue is still there and his chest is still tight. And Dream, choking down a sudden sob, stumbles forward, pressing his fingertips lightly against the surface of the person. His panic only increases when the pressure remains, telling him that yes, this was real.

Why would Nightmare never tell him this? Was he just waiting for him to find out first, to notice the shaken look to him and know without a doubt that he finally found his prized collection? No, his brother is cruel, but not that cruel. Surely he would give some kind of hint about this. Surely he would get impatient and find a way to make him find this place, lead him to the statue. And oh God, was it only the one? Or where there more? Was there a full garden full of these people, innocent souls caught up in something they shouldn't have?

Nightmare had to have given some kind of hint about this. He racks his memory to try and find it, abut the words keep getting jumbled. 

He can’t think right. 

Maybe Nightmare didn’t give him a hint. Maybe he just thought there was no hope of him finding them. Maybe he believed that Dream was a threat already taken care of, back when he was a statue himself, and he just tucked all the statues away to forget about them. 

And when he escaped, it still didn’t matter because he was so weak at first. He had a whole language to learn, weapons to learn how to fight with. He wasn’t a threat to be taken seriously, always spouting hope and begging his brother to come back home to him. That’s why the statues weren’t mentioned, they weren’t relevant anymore. Why bring up something that couldn’t be fixed? Why bring up something that could be used as blackmail?

Dream won’t have it. No. He can’t let this happen. 

These people need to be saved. He escaped once, surely he could help them do the same. He didn’t know how, but he would. He had to. It was already too late to save them for the first time. Hopefully it’s not too late to make it up to them. Hopefully they’ll give him a second chance to be better, be the guardian they need.

Blinking back the tears, he starts scratching at the statue, trying futilely to use his magic to break the stone. But he can’t latch on to any soul. There’s no emotion in this statue, no sign of life. Was it too late to do anything? Was his curse of being a step behind striking again?

Sobbing, he scratches more, harder. His fingertips start to burn, but the first bout of pain fades into a numb ache as nothing happens, blood staining the statue. But he doesn’t see that, no, his focus is elsewhere.

Flashes of a red sky and a fighting mob of villagers.

Flashes of a tree being cut down, apples tumbling and rotting in seconds.

Flashes of his brother screaming, white bones dusting to make room for tentacles and goop.

Flashes of a grin, a teal eyelight, and a golden glow as he finds himself thrust into a fight he did not want, hands shaking.

And then that dreadful moment that he can still feel phantom tingles from. The clash of positivity and negativity, and a creeping stone covering his legs as he stands there, horror growing, unable to step forward. Nightmare peers back at him, just as surprised, but that’s soon taken over by a gleeful laugh. He shakes, calling out to his brother, reaching a hand forward.

Nightmare only watches him, clutching his head as he continues to laugh.

Dream shakes even more, feeling like he can’t breath as the stone encases his chest, rising up to secure his throat and words, and then his sight, taking everything away. The last sound he hears is his brother’s laughter and the crying of the remaining villagers as they beg for mercy.

And then be blinks out the black spots, hands pulling his arms. Blinking again and Blue’s face fades into view, alarm and worry mixing together. His friend his holding his arms tightly, and when his fingers twitch, the grip tightens in response, close to bruising.

Dream realizes he’s speaking, cracking over sounds. “--se, please, please. Let me save them, it’s my fault, if only I was here sooner. Please, Blue, please, let me save them.”

And Blue is speaking too, speaking over him. “It’s okay, Dream, you’re safe. There’s not a person there. It’s just a statue, I promise. You did nothing wrong.”

Dream keens, finally breaking eye contact, trying to find the statue again. “No, no, no, you don’t understand. It’s my fault. I need to save them. I know what it’s like, their suffocating in there. I need to help them.” Inhaling, his vision gets blurry again. There’s a dull buzzing pain coming from his hands. “If I wasn’t turned in the first place, maybe I could save them. Maybe they wouldn’t be there. But I can still make it up to them, if I save them now. Please, Blue, please.”

But Blue follows him, blocking his view. “Dream, you’re hurting yourself. Please, stop. Listen to me. That’s not a living person, never has been. Someone made it, carved it. You’re fine. You’re safe. It’s okay.”

Breath hitching, Dream looks down, seeing the blood covering his hands. All his. And now it’s on Blue’s hands, too, because his friend is kind, too kind to be hid friend. He stares down at the blood, watching it drip onto the ground. There’s a faint ringing in his skull still.

Blue is still talking. “It’s okay. I promise. You did nothing wrong.”

Dream trembles.

The argument gets lodged in his throat, the pain he’s caused his friend creating the block. Blue means well, he does, and he hates to see him so worried like this, worried over him of all people, but he doesn’t understand.

It is his fault.

Even if this statue wasn’t a person, it could’ve been. And that means everything he was already thing is true. Because if he wasn’t stuck in stone, if he wasn’t foolish enough and let that happen, he could’ve saved so many people. He wouldn’t be here, wounds on his fingers from trying to save someone that never existed.

The statue could’ve been someone, you see. It could’ve.

And that thought might be worse.

[thatdamnrookie]

Twitter dogpiles (though you can see them elsewhere, at times) are interesting because they’re more often about someone’s old ignorant tweets or badly-worded take - or even a completely benign post that was so wildly misinterpreted that it’s barely conceivable - than anything truly heinous. But what’s really fascinating to watch is the degree to which thousands of people collectively attempt to define what an acceptable apology is – and as the party under fire sees these terms, they attempt to respond in accordance with those demands, only to quickly learn that they apparently haven’t done so adequately. So they adjust, and it’s not enough, but for a new reason, and so they adjust again and again, but it’s not enough. And it’s never enough.

They’re told they must apologize, and so they do. But the apology was too casual, and not in depth enough, and it needs to address more. So they’re told to do it again, but more groveling this time, but no no, that’s not right. That wasn’t sincere enough groveling, clearly they aren’t sorry. And why haven’t they explained why they did that? Have they learned anything? So they explain, which is also wrong. Clearly they’re trying to justify the unjustifiable. Maybe they should have shut up three explanations ago. So they shut up. ‘Why aren’t they saying anything?’ people ask – ‘it’s so clear they just want this to blow over, so we should make sure to never let it go. They can’t just get away with this.’ Also, why didn’t they delete that bad post? They must be proud of it, then. They want people to see it. So the person under fire deletes it, and people ask ‘why are you hiding what you’ve done?’ Bystanders and friends are told that it is not their place to forgive – only those who are socially vulnerable to the ignorance that was expressed can forgive. But then some of those people forgive, which is also not allowed. They are resented for forgiving, because there are people who are still angry, and they did not forgive.

And certainly people are free to make their own choices as to how sincere they think an apology is, or what they ‘forgive’ - particularly if the person at the center of the controversy displayed an ignorance that’s particularly close to home for them, one that they can’t so readily forget about. But that is, I feel, a very personal decision, and it’s actively harmful – malicious, even - to run people through the grinder again and again and again because they make a mistake (or are perceived as making one). Ignoring the more obvious point – that people can grow and change  – is the fact that the notion of justice in punishment is antithetical to all the little progressive sentiments people love plastering on their pages, and certainly antithetical to my own values in basically every way. People with the most adamant, impassioned arguments for prison abolition and better treatment of workers and increased mental health resources and antiracism and LGBTQ+ rights and anything else you can think of will turn right around with no discernable self-awareness and leap at the chance to wear (often vulnerable) people down with waves of abuse and call their workplace owned by the walmart corporation or some shit and beg they be fired, and often the subject of abuse is part of the very same marginalized and vulnerable communities their detractors hail from, and it is worth reiterating that this is so rarely because the accused was a threat to those communities or acted with malice, but because they crossed some invisible line or (at worst) said some stupid jackass thing.

I think part of this riles me up because (without revealing too much) my own personal life resolves heavily around all these social justice-y issues, and I meet all kinds of people from all kinds of circumstances, and many are lovely but many are ignorant – often about groups of people I belong to, tbh - , and many have thought and done far worse than the average thing that blows up on twitter. I think most people have *said* far worse than much of what blows up on twitter, because the nature of a lot of social ills and discrimination is that a lot of fairly shit things go unquestioned as we grow up. But even then, I’m happy to help people get food and find jobs and get to a better place in their life, and more often than not those stupid things they believe can be worked on, and ignorance is not necessarily proof of deep radicalization, and I see people change all the time. If you personally have a low tolerance for all that and are picky about where you place your trust, or what you forgive, that’s your right. But the boundless enthusiasm to punish and punish and punish at the slightest chance is so fucking incomprehensible to me that it makes me wanna eat nails

TL;DR Everyone on twitter has a bunch of loose change dangling around in their heads I guess

Also I don’t expect this to do numbers, but on the off-chance someone chooses to dramatically misinterpret the point of the post, know that you should assume this is not written to cover literally every scenario or exception you can think of and that asking for clarification is much better than making weird assumptions, thanks in advance

[vyladromeave]

20 and 22 for the ask game?

20. you can only change one plotline in the entire canon—what would it be and how would you alter it?

FUCKKKKK ONLY ONE? hmmm....

I do think there is a part of this question that is phrased strangely, I understand the "only one plotline" thing in theory because it requires you to limit yourself to one decisive answer. But that also kind of implies that the One Plotline you're changing has changes that are all self-contained and ultimately return things to the status quo, which is typically not why I would make a change in plot to begin with. If I'm making one big major change in the plot, typically its going to be something major enough that the rest of the series is affected, which kind of conflicts with how the question is intended...

With that in mind... I mean the easy answer is something Aaron-related, but honestly most of his issues stem from a character standpoint given he rarely ever drives the plot forward meaningfully unless he's literally killing himself lol. There's not a lot of single isolated plot issues for him, I don't know if I could fix him without really going back to the roots and really domino-effect-ing him and how he interacts with the rest of the plot moving forward. sooooo...

If I had to do a more self-contained plotline change, it'd be the circumstances around Garroth's S1 betrayal. Easily.

Judging by how quickly everyone forgives him, the series itself seems to forget that people got hurt, killed, and had years of their life stolen because Garroth got mad that Aphmau maybe romantically liked someone else. It relies on miscommunication and poor characterization to even be executed at all. Eek.

Canonically, one of his biggest weaknesses is that he invests too much into people. He couldn't kill Zenix despite Zenix actively trying to kill him multiple times because of how much time and love there had been between them. Are we really expected to believe he'd betray Aphmau on the off chance she might've done something that could've hurt his feelings? Are you kidding me? This is stupid.

Seeing as how the series treats him as if his motives are already easily forgivable and justified, just changing the motive to be... actually that, keeps the change relatively self-contained here. So! Lets give him a motive that actually makes sense here:

Zane promises the war will be endless unless Garroth gets him what he wants. He's scared of O'khasis' military might and knows what they can do. Lillian is still a method of coercion, mostly as a contact point between him and Zane.

He's trapped in a lose-lose situation, both actions causing Phoenix Drop harm, growing sick and locking himself in his room from fear and indecision. It culminates in his betrayal in the S1 finale, his fear of O'khasis and Garte outweighing his trust in Aphmau and Phoenix Drop. This leads into a much more viable change of heart in the S1 finale, and a much more natural redemption afterwards.

22. who's the character that you most identify with and why?

looks up to my url. looks back at this ask. looks up at my url again. looks at you. looks to my icon. looks to my header. looks to this ask. yeah it's vylad why do you ask.

No but on a serious note, I think it's natural to put pieces of yourself into characters, and with Vylad that comes very naturally to me. He has always fascinated me, even since before we had much confirmed about him (I very vivdly remember trying to talk to people about him being the Elusive Third Sibling of Garroth during S1, only to get VERY confused responses). When he got properly introduced in S2, only to justify basically everything I had ever theorized about him to be right, it was very satisfying lol. I don't think I can fully answer the "why" here without getting very personal, but here's some stuff I feel comfortable sharing!

Green and red are important colors for Vylad, and they're important for me too!! Green has basically always been my favorite color since the dawn of time, although I did go through a strong purple phase when I was younger.

The way he acts and behaves can be very easily read as autistic/otherwise neurodivergent. I saw/still see a lot of my behaviors in him in a way that made him very comforting to me when I was first watching the series in 2015, and still makes him very endearing to me now ^-^

I am a sucker for characters who go through a literal death + transformation afterwards. Big fan of symbolism. Somewhat for transgender reasons personally, but also stuff beyond that.

speaking of transgender: nonbiney :) and while we're at it hes one of the most explicitly lgbt characters we've got. gay people!!!!! woooooo!!!!!!!!!!

we've both got freckles heehee :D

This comic was based off some very personal musings of mine, so much so that I almost didn't post it lol. His strange relationship with not-religion is very important to me.

Weirdly enough though, I'm not a sibling! I very very frequently find myself identifying with characters that have strange sibling relationships, but I'm an only child! I don't know why this keeps happening.

[celestiall0tus]

Reconciliation, Moving On, and Starting Anew

I need to talk about this. People, we got the latest episode in season 2 and I just have to say, this episode absolutely fucked me over in the best way possible.

I don't care what you think Fizz should have been or if the reconciliation was too fast, but I absolutely adored how he and Blitz finally reconnected. That the two can build something new.

For 15 years, they spent hating each other, but never actively seeking the other out, just staying out of each other's way. Of course they have their own private or not so private in Blitz's case, of moments where they hate the other, but what happened was just, yeah. That shit was awful and my heart goes out to Blitz.

Then, they get shoved into a situation where they need to work together and then the emotions hit. Truths are revealed and it hit so close to home.

I was in both of their places. I looked up to and cared about a pair of women, well, girls, just as Fizz admired and cared for Blitz. But then was torn down by those people and never got to see the real reasons or truths. It didn't change anything, and I was still bitter, until I had that moment the boys did.

Maybe some might think it was quick, but sometimes it really is that easy. Just talk and share. I met with one of the girls, now a true adult, again after five years. In all of ten minutes is what it took to get it all out there. Where we both went wrong, our own faults, and confessions. I saw that all in their reconciliation and it just hit so much. Especially Fizz's words.

"Misunderstanding or no, it's hard to just forgive you. It's been fifteen years and that's so much time."

Couple this with Blitz's earlier statement after acknowledging Fizz's hurt:

"I know I can never make that right."

Right there in both of them. They know they can't change what happened. It's done, it's over. It will be difficult to let those parts go as they'll always be there, but they can grow past them. They'll never have what they did, but they can still make something new. And, honestly, it's beautiful.

What we did as kids, or even just in the past, we should never forget that's where it stays, in the past. We need only look to the future and see what we have now. It'll hurt, you'll lose things along the way, but the fortune is a wheel for a reason. What we lose, we gain something new. And for that, I have a new level of love for Fizz.

We got something better than just another villain. We got a truly mature and emotionally stable character. We got someone that truly saw Blitz's reaction and acknowledged it. He didn't refuse to hear it, but took it in and saw the truth in the rawest of emotions. Then, even after admitting it'll be hard to forgive Blitz after all that time, admitting that while it was challenging, what he gained made everything worth it. He is successful, an icon, and has an intoxicatingly healthy and beautiful relationship with someone he loves unconditionally.

I believe moving forward they will continue to work to be better to each other. It's a lot of work, but as long as both put in the work, it'll be worth every step.

Never forget where the other comes from. Never underestimate another's pain. Acknowledge what they've gone through, and what they are working to become. Never compare them to how they were. And live for today and the future.

Always remember, we are not in the past. Judge one another for who they are today.

This has been a L0tus talk. Have a lovely day.