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#people can think whatever they want it doesnt matter to me anymore
khayr · 1 year
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anyway. I just think that it’s totally fucked that it’s even still called discourse when it was just. nasties in our own community talking shit and spouting vitriol about our identities and lived experiences as if there aren’t parallels all over the place between us all. The fact that so many ace/aro people felt like they had to a) out themselves or b) share their personal trauma with strangers on the internet just to be taken seriously (or not, even) is just so fucked. the whole thing was fucked. there is so much nuance to human gender and sexuality and it just was not fair what they did to us lmfao
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faebriel · 10 months
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hgs brainrot has returned due to tbosas .. speaking of hgs here’s an ask abt the hgs au: if things were totally different, and Wilbur were to be a 12 victor, what do you think a possible mentor-tribute dynamic would look like between him & Niki? I feel like it would be similar to Snow & Lucy in the way that he’s just going out of his way to cheat n help her
anon u have in fact struck jackpot because this is a concept i was spinning some thoughts abt before bee mentioned avoxes and we went OOOOH at that!!! so yes i have considered rainduo as a mentor-tribute dynamic and would love to talk about that concept too :]
so for this concept i think wilbur and niki would be close friends throughout childhood from 12, and then in their teens wilbur is reaped and, well, no one has particularly high hopes (he's a writer and a musician at heart, not a fighter) but through sheer trickery and dumb luck, he makes it to the end of the games. wilbur pulled some pretty fucked up tricks to win - when you can't use brute force, you have to use your brain - and partly due to the trauma of the games, partly due to his shame and survivor's guilt, he sinks into the capitol and relishes a new life there as a socialite. to him, the old wilbur died in the games and the new one has taken his place - to niki, and to his other friends in 12, whatever the games did to him made him into every vapid heartless capitol victor there is.
or. niki has her doubts. they all saw how horrible the games were, but surely there is some part of him left, some part that's hurting, even if it's buried deep?
anyway.
like og spin of the au, niki is reaped and this sucks - this time she does expect wilbur as her mentor on the train, and she expects some kind of warm welcome (maybe even an apology for leaving them so suddenly and silently? an explanation?) but she gets jack shit. wilbur is jaded and cruel and unrecognisable and niki entirely hates it. this is the part where i REALLY WISH we got some time of those two beefing with each other directly in canon (or at least interactions while niki was So Mad at him) but it's okay we fly blind. niki feels abandoned, lonely, thrown off of her kilter - she expected an ally in this place, but she doesn't recognise the person wilbur has become. she doesn't recognise his shallowness (...much), his ruthless advice for the arena, the way he doesn't seem to care for anything. she's scared and now she's lonely and it pisses her off - their mentorship is fraught. here are some thoughts from discord on that:
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i tend to think of niki as a bit naïve before l'manberg or even doomsday - i think this is an au where this streak would come out real strong, and niki is stubborn that she can get through the games without losing herself. stubborn that she can stop things, that she can protect people. i don't think wilbur is cold enough (or, really, can bear to say aloud) to say that her odds in the arena are slim enough as it is, but he definitely tells her that she's making enemies and that her odds of survival dwindle with the more trouble she causes.
beyond that... hm. niki's trust in wilbur is almost unshakeable until nov 16, even when she outright says she doesn't recognise him anymore. i think she'd reluctantly listen re: don't burn down any buildings, but she would grow bolder each day she had to stay in the capitol. she gets more honest in front of the cameras. she makes more friends in training, and not the ones wilbur recommends. she throws barbs at him every time he makes one of those callous, cold-hearted comments about other tributes and rankings and odds. and besides, she's going in the arena this time, not him. she needs to practice her bravery.
it's like... she hasn't given up on him. she thinks the old wilbur is in there somewhere. (she is wrong. that is not how trauma works.) but she won't hold her tongue just because she
for extra angst points could definitely play up the whole 'feeling abandoned' angle between them as niki goes into the arena - probably due to how fraught their friendship gets leading up to the games. niki wants to focus on them and their friendship, wilbur has stringently cut off (almost) everything from 12 and refuses to let her in; he tells her to behave for the cameras, she tells him she never will. i think the last point in that screenshot would also make for a super tasty argument where niki feels wilbur has gone astray, that he's abandoned 12, and that he'll probably do nothing but sit on his ass and watch her die and he can't even bring himself to care about her anymore, can he? just more fodder for the arena. and honestly, i think wilbur would passively agree with most of that - he values niki's opinion, after all, even now, and if she says he's rapidly descending into a lost cause then she must be right. and it's niki, so she will be fine, and he goes to his bedroom that night and tries to pretend he is sleeping perfectly fine instead of feeling paralysed with fear.
okay now onto the games - YES HE SO WOULD. or at least i think he would go out of his way to help. as for cheating - he's a recent victor for 12 and i think he would value tommy (no doubt a link to him... i think they'd be in touch in this au also) too much to risk the punishment falling onto him as well. i get the vibes this is a games closer to 74th than 10th, so there are far fewer opportunities to cheat and the consequences of getting caught are higher. but schmoozing up sponsors? making stupid ass radio interviews or whatever to talk up niki's odds? sharing anecdotes from their childhood - some real, some entirely fabricated - across capitol airwaves to stoke their sympathy? 100%. with less to lose in this au, i think niki would be far less inclined to play nice for the cameras - i hope you starve, she spits at one of them, and wilbur appears on a talkshow two days later as she scrambles for survival in the arena to talk up how she always saved loaves from the bakery for the poorest mothers and children in 12. he borrows and begs and swindles to the point where it feels like cheating. but hey, this new wilbur is capitol-branded. he knows how to play the game.
if anything he probably sinks into the game a little too much. self-preservation is not his forte. probably wracks up a few heavy debts and favours to owe, but those are not priority until niki is out of the arena, alive. as long as she wins, and as long as the family he has isn't in danger, he will manage. wow it would suck if at some point those two goals became impossible to co-achieve. anyway
i kind of see niki's victory in the arena being similar to the one in the main au - if only because planning out an entire games is hard for meee >-< . she walks in bolder and braver for sure, and with a less strategic pick of allies, but they all get picked off and she spends a few weeks so terrified she can barely sleep and then she ruptures some fuel line and sets the arena alight with a fire that burns brighter and more ravenously than it should. but she wins, and she's airlifted out of a filthy, muddy creek she had resigned herself to die in, and wilbur barges his way through as many peacekeepers so that he can actually see her with her burnt skin and hair and unfocused eyes and trust that what was on the screens wasn't a fluke, and that they made it. and then it's just a matter of surviving the after.
i'm sure there are some other random quirks or tidbits i can think of re: this take on a c!rainduo hunger games au but these are my base thoughts!!
#can i just say whatever the hell lucy grey n snow had going on in part 1 made me so berko btw. like congrats ur my means to an end youre my#symbol youre my buddy? should we kiss? i'll get you out of here / don't make me leave these people behind#BRIDGING OFF OF THE TBOSAS DISCUSSION. i think the thing with crainduo (or at least how i like to depict them) is that they care about each#other extremely deeply and value each other... without being each others number one priority at all times.#i don't think niki plays priority with people she cares for like that; see her relationships with like wilbur and eret in lmanberg#even her friendship with and offering ponk a place to stay in her city after manberg even tho manberg hurt her#as for wilbur: his priority is tommy. like always. if it was just him on the line he'd do anything to get niki thru but it's not#asks#hunger games au#they would truly be such a nightmare in this au like. wilbur's self loathing is SO HIGH due to survivors guilt and trauma and mental illnes#he thinks that niki is So Good and Has It Together meanwhile he is So Bad#and is a mess that she cannot possibly rely on him. she can't possibly need him. she can't possibly want him around#<- and this shit is INGRAINED like. it's not even an active thought pattern anymore it is carved into his brain like a groove#and so shes like. do you even care whether i live or die??#of course he does. but this is the capitol. he cant be vulnerable in a way that matters#and that alienates niki further and this rage and heartbreak is building in her with nowhere to go. and in the arena she thinks it erupts#nah uh. i think its AFTER the area when she has to face wilbur again that she would go full screaming meltdown#ANYWAY !! i really like aus where they have this friction esp because i think like.. idk i think sometimes our views of rainduo are too ros#wilbur kind of forgets about niki sometimes because his self hatred is that bad. niki doesnt get wilburs mental illness and takes it both a#a burden/blame AND a direct rejection of her and her friendship#and they hover just outside of each others spaces anxious and angry and almost self flagellating. GOOD FOR THEM !#anyway Yes this did unlock something within me. thanks anon feel free to add on if u had more thoughts esp re: tbosas and such bc i had suc#a good time watching that movie
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yoshistory · 4 months
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part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore
#like. remember that. remember following me back when i was bi and genderfluid lol. awhile ago now#its like whatever to me now. its really hard for me to pin anymore#like when i feel like genderfluid and bi again i feel like i can be a lot more open about shit#but i dont really even know. its hard#i feel like. and this is just like. me yknow. i feel like if i wasnt dating a man i'd be missing out on something that i want#like i dont know if i would be content just marrying a woman and being satisfied if i. didnt have a husband. yknow what i mean#and its like. if *I* wasnt a man i'd be sad. if in a relationship i wasnt someone's boyfriend or husband i'd be sad about it#so this is what wraps back around to me being a gayboy about it yknow#its complicated because no matter the gender label outcome. i would STILL want testosterone and surgery and masculine terms#and i KNOW this doesnt mean anything for some people. like some women do all that and are women#so i could just be not-a-man and still want all this anyways#but i also know it doesnt make it any less complicated for some of these women. who also had to think about themselves a lot in this way#its this weird notion of whatever ends up happening i... physically want the same shit anyways. THAT stays almost completely static#so that for me is a breather. its just like.... idk ... if i ever got in a relationship with a woman#i'd feel like i would be intrinsically. missing out on something i wanted#which i think is what a lot of burgeoning gay kids feel generally. right#like if you went down this stringent path laid out for you that you'd be missing out on. your life that you want. right.#i dont know what i want out of that really. sometimes i feel like im too out of it to pursue anything romantically anymore anyways#i do sometimes think it'd be cool to be a butch woman. kinda..?#i think what i like about that is the masculinity of myself is gender non-confirming if i were a woman#which if im a masc guy i'm just like. your average dude. like. right#but i wanna be a bear about it. i wanna fag it up about it. and my metric of being transgender im not ... average about how i present mysel#can someone teach me how to fag it up. the construction worker part of this is working right#sighhhh.... i have to go shower. maybe i;'ll have a shower epiphany or something. sighhhhh#sometimes in my head being a woman would be alright. but its like.. i dont even know how to decode it#i think some people would call what im feeling being genderfluid. some people might call it something else. it depends on like. you yknow#and what you want. and what makes you smile. me? not quite so sure anymore#and i think its like. this sounds like its laid quite bare right. but its hard to word even.#but sometimes im like. am i just like. talking ...? yknow what i mean.
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neopolitan-noir · 1 year
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lululandd · 1 year
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being könig’s significant other would include:
ngl this one made me kinda emotional
♡ hiking.
könig’s true home that he loves going back to is the one by the mountains. yes he has a large apartment in germany for convenience but his heart is always in that old house in austria where he grew up. the one in the mountains where not even google maps reach, where the road to his house is half hidden by a large bush. if he comes home during summer he will wake you up before dawn and hurry you up the mountain to watch the sunrise together. sometimes if you’re too sleepy he will carry you on his back on in his arms so you two can make it. summer sunrises are his favourite and you almost always spend the summers and autumns in his childhood home.
♡ his grandmother.
the file in the nursing home says she’s ninety five but from the dates in the pictures könig has shown you shes way above a hundred. and you can see why people believe her words. she is indeed old but she has way more life than the other people staying there. you asked him one day why does she stay in the nursing home instead of his house and he said thats where she wants to to because all her friends are there. könig asks for time off work every autumn to spend time with her. (youd think hed be way more lenient with catching sunrise during hikes because shes there but lmao the old woman nudges you with her cane so youd wake up faster. he gets the hiking gene from her apparently.)
♡ hunting.
because kortac doesnt let him be a sniper, he picks up hunting to scratch the itch. still very bitter because he knows he’s at least a sharpshooter, and expert with more training. mans has more knives in his basement than you have in the kitchen and can skin any animal with scary efficiency. he would share some game with the neighbours and come home with whatever they have. honey, fruits, or other types of game that they caught.
♡ handholding.
he is extremely clingy, and would just hold your hand no matter the occassion. sometimes pouts when you need both hands to do something. one day you squeezed his hand to show extra love and he squeezed back. so you squeeze his hand harder to show more love. so he squeezed even harder and you would end up in tears at the end from all the laughing. he would love to just do more than handholding out in public but he doesnt want bad rumours to surround you so he keeps the PDA to a minimum. the old couples around town secretly waits for you two to get married.
♡ so many plants.
he has so many plant babies that he babytalks when he gets home. when you wanted to prank him with the “creating a harsh and traumatising environment so my plant can grow big and strong just like my parents did for me” he gasped so loudly because he didnt think you know about plants!! and how this is good for them!!
♡ der tatortreiniger (the crimescene cleaner)
he cringes at the awkwardness, gets secondhand embarrassment from the interactions, and groans at how schotty’s unprofessionalism mirrors his own sometimes but loves the conversation happening throughout the series and the friendships he built along the way. mans comfort show tbh, knows lots of trivias about the show. watched it so many times he recognises the extras if they appear in another show.
♡ knitted sweaters.
just like ghost, he chooses comfort over everything else but prefers knitted sweaters over hoodies. buys local or from small businesses. he knows they use better quality yarn and takes extra care of them in the making. if you can knit? better. if you start learning knitting???? for him????? he’ll cry you a sweater of tears.
♡ bunnies.
gigantic bunnies. those flemish giant rabbits that can be as big as a sheltie. one of his uncles saw his growth spurt and just gave him one when he was young. two peas in a pod immediately. inseparable. he was heartbroken when he had to leave the little thing to join the military. even more heartbroken when he came home one day and his bunny wasn’t there anymore. he picked up a giant bunny again when he sees you cooing at some normal sized rabbits at the fair, and now you are three peas in a pod. the bunny would run towards the front door and then flop on its side the moment könig comes home.
♡ ointments.
mans old. come on now. he might be your little meow meow but dudes aging. bones not crackalackin yet because of all the excercise he gets. but he old. at least one joint has to be fucked up because hes always the first one to come into a contested room. on bad days, usually when its cold or when it’s raining you can see the discomfort on his face and you get the ointment for his broken joint. sometimes you sing a little while doing it to lift his spirits and boy it does. would pick you up and spin you around immediately after you set the ointment down. you’re his light, and he loves to see that light shine.
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scruncheduppaper · 2 months
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i find it interesting that this little revived dsmp era doesnt really talk about c!wilbur as a character anymore because obviously the issues with cc!wilbur (ALSO FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT FUCKIBG SUPPORT HIM AT ALL)
but like genuinely he’s actually one of the most interestingly written characters on the server (might i say the most interesting?) and like. even though cc!wilbur is a piece of shit i still think he was a brilliant writer and his character on the smp changed my life kinda
i think people tend to conflate character morality/character writing flaws/character likeabilty/creator’s status and while those things can influence each other its not like those are the same thing
i definitely feel like after his revival he became a little bit less interesting, i think ghostbur was kind of unnecessary and i also think his ending was incredibly underwhelming, but the recontextualisation of his character and relationship with quackity with tntduo was an absolutely insane move
honestly i kinda also feel like cc!wilbur being a dick irl makes me kind of reexamine c!wilbur’s character and overall arc in a whole new light, like both within his character flaws and writing flaws — i wouldnt call it wasted potential because i genuinely dont think this could have gone any other way
anyways all im saying is, if you truly want to make dsmp separate from the ccs, please dont be afraid to make more content of c!wil lol. like. dont rewrite history or whatever. i hardly even think abt cc!wilbur these days and i didnt really care for him back then, but just because hes outed as a dick now doesnt mean his art didnt have an impact on you back then
sometimes bad people make good art and thats okay
what matters is what you take out of it
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the-s1lly-corner · 8 months
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i have a cute request to make
the tadc gang with a shy and introvert child reader
basically reader is very shy and barely speaks, and when needs to talk they just whisper, kinda like fluttershy!
reader hates loud noises so they barely goes to an IHA with the gang, only if they are bored or someone asks them to go, reader just likes being alone for the silence
but, reader does some cute things for the cast, they make little presents, everytime that the gang is in the IHA, reader is busy in their room making little presents, like paper flowers and stuff and leaves at the gang's doorstep, with cute little messages, like: "ur so cool!" "ur doing so well!" before running back to their room.
Caine, Jax, Pomni x shy!sweet!child!reader who hates loud noises (platonic)
i hope you dont mind me running this through the wheel to select characters </3 i still dont take full cast posts/nm i think imma answer this then maybe write an extra post or two (idk we'll see after i write this one); then thats probably it for today, since i think imma work on more art again.. not really behind on my personal goals anymore, just have some ideas that i want to at least sketch so i have that done
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CAINE:
would try to make the IHAs a little more quiet and calm but with caines energy and his thought process of "it needs to be stimulating so the circus members dont lose it to the monotony"... sometimes he slips. i was going to say he descends into the adventure waving around a red card making all the IHA-stuff freeze as a joke... but i can genuinely see him doing that. most of the time watches over the IHA now that you're here. you're like his lil kid!! tries to be a dad, falls into common dad stereotypes because thats all he really knows.. though he himself can be a little loud and all over the place... and perhaps even overbearing every now and then... WILL show off whatever notes and gifts you leave for him to everyone else. will make a wall in the common room to hang up your art so everyone can see it
POMNI:
i wouldnt say pomni is shy, but i do think overall she is an anxious person and in introvert... of which is more prominent due to being in the circus (you know, a place thats stressing her out) so it lets you two relate.. and it kind of makes pomni pull herself together for you.. so in a way youre kind of her reasoning to keep going no matter how many times she fails to find the exit; as grim as it sounds. keeps all your gifts and notes in her room on display because unlike SOME people shes not all the concerned with her image or how shes perceived (jax). will try to take you away from a place if theres some noise, usually this is either the common room where everyone else is hanging out at or during IHAs... probably lets you crash in one of your rooms until you feel better. i think she would probably get someone to get you something (like a toy or snack) while she keeps an eye on you
JAX:
i think he would subtly try to get you to stand up for yourself before being blunt that you need to start speaking up. he WAS going to say something about how hes not going to always be there to talk for you buuuuut in the digital circus theres some.. not good implications with that statement, at least a little more than the irl version. less of a parent figure and more of an older brother one.. does keep your notes, though hes not going to tell anyone and hes going to deny it if anyone ever brings it up. hes an asshole but hes not heartless. tries to limit his pranks that can make loud noises, will also play it off to others that he just doesnt feel like doing those pranks anymore. but everyone knows, you know?
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shokoppipan · 3 months
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Miya Osamu | Headcannons | Relationship
» [Meddle About - Chase Atlantic] «
0:43─〇───── 3:23
⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻
ᝰ.ᐟ osamu x gn!reader
ᝰ.ᐟ sfw <33
ᝰ.ᐟ First headcannons so ples dont roast me :b
ᝰ.ᐟ Which Haikyuu character do you wanna see next? Comment down below! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
Miya Osamu Headcannons ── .✦
꩜ He’s a good cook (obviously), helps Moma Miya in cooking, he can also bake but not as good
꩜ Gets his cooking ideas from YT videos or something he tried from scrops on a whim
꩜ He’s a deep sleeper, stays up late often, but wakes up early
꩜ Unlike Atsumu, he rarely gets sick, and Osamu takes care of his brother when he has like a cold
꩜ He’s the type of guy to have a short temper, but is not really noticed with his cool demeanor
꩜ As seen of fights with him and Atsumu, he he gets more physical than verbal (abuse) and is hell lot stronger than Atsumu (I stand with that yes, look at how he FUCKED UP Atsumu in their last fight)
꩜ I personally think that him going on a different path than Atsumu is fully supported by their mother, but she did ask him something like “Are you sure?”, since she knows that it also means it will seperate the two, not like she dislikes of the idea of him choosing a different career
꩜ Usually the one following with his brothers antics
꩜ He probs said/says more cuss words than Atsumu
꩜ He probably fell when he was on the top bunk of their bed thats why he now sleeps on the lower bunk
꩜ He’s more of a dog person (He probs like a Husky, Labrador or Samoyed)
꩜ Bro is a SNITCH I tell you, even if he was the one at fault he blames it on Atsumu
꩜ He has a long attention span bro can just sit there and think about food
꩜ Bro is someone who just keeps his feelings to himself because he does not know how to express himself, but pretty sure Atsumu knows when sumthins wrong with his twin
꩜ Listens to Atsumu yap about stuff.
꩜ He has a tad bit inferiority complex due to the fact that he’s always compared to Atsumu
꩜ When they have arguments, he’s the one to initiate first cause Atsumu being the baby he is (even tho he’s older) doesn’t budge, so Osamu lets it cool down a bit and after a while hands something he cooked to his bro then they dont take abt it anymore
꩜ Bro is one to give BOMBASTIC SIDE EYE whenever he hears fangirl comments or whenever someone trashtalks Atsumu (he’s the only one who can)
꩜ Bro only ever goes to the internet to watch cooking shows or Gordon Ramsay
꩜ He doesn’t like the idea of being swarmed over by people (ESPECIALLY FANGIRLS)
꩜ Bro is Arctic Monkeys, Chase Atlantic and The Weekend coded, he probs listens with Suna since they have the same music taste
୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ☆
RELATIONSHIP Headcannons ── .✦
꩜ Lets start of with his type:
- Ill say this now and I will stand for it, it doesnt matter what body type his s/o have. He loves you for you. But I’m pretty sure he loves someone who’s chubby. I mean just sayin ╮(︶▽︶)╭
- He loves someone who’s also a food lover. Someone who doesnt get embarass on what they eats
- He likes someone who’s more initiative than him, like someone who just randomly pulls him and does spontaneous activities like cooking, baking, hiking, whatever
- I bet he likes someone with a talkative or more extroverted attitude than him.
- Extra points for someone who KNOWS how to cook and can make good dishes
- Someone who’s simple and who knows how to appreciate simple things
꩜ This man? LOVER BOY. No questions
꩜ Probably just had one to none relationship cause he believes that when you date, it automatically leads to getting married in the future
꩜ Is one to watch romantic movies just to learn how to woo a girl (me Im that girl)
꩜ Osamu is the type of person to be very distant when someone tries to flirt with him thats NOT his s/o (like girl get yo ass outta my face) and does his disgusted look
꩜ I personally think he has trust issues because the first rs he had or probably the first person he liked only wanted to date him only to get close to his brother :(
꩜ Bro KNOWS how to sing, like he has this low tone husky voice, and whenever you’re sleepy he hums as he pats your shoulder lightly, or whenever he’s in the kitchen cooking
꩜ Bro is a WHOLE GREEN FOREST trust me like he’s very observant to the little things about you, he would even know you’re favorite flower first before he gives you a boquet
꩜ Love language is quality time or acts of service, sometimes gift giving and physical touch, bro believes action speaks louder than words
꩜ He’s not one to be very good with words, but when it comes to it, he gives you very comforting patts and hugs, his hands drawing circles on your back n stuff
꩜ He might not be academically smart but his emotional intelligence is like high HIGH
꩜ BACK. HUGS. IN. THE. KITCHEN.
꩜ Pet names either “Baby” or “Darlin” sometimes he calls you “Honey”
꩜ Holds your hand everytime he has the chance to
꩜ This man (timeskip) always has you on his passanger seat and grabs your thighs when he he’s focused on driving
꩜ I just know this guy brags you off to Atsumu and annoying him about it
꩜ He takes you out on a date to like shop or sumthin, but trust me, in special occasions like on your anniversary, he wont treat you out, rather he has like a whole resto at home and all your favorite dishes are served there with candles and shi
꩜ Grocery dates? Coffen dates? YES. ITS A MUST.
꩜ Bro can’t keep his hands to himself and almost always touches you everytime he has that change, and he’s so smug about it HELP
✮ ⋆ ˚。𖦹 ⋆。°✩
©shokoppipan - Please DO NOT, steal nor copy. REPOSTS are OKAY, but with PERMISSION
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darknoverse · 6 months
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a long Antasma analysis and why I think he's misunderstood as a villain
about time i made this one ngl. took me long enough but looking into DT more really gives me a different prespective on Antasma .
i'll be first of all going with what we know based on what the Pi'illos and pi'illoper say (cuz basic informations)
based on what the Pi'illos said:
simply the basics. he was a normal bat, ate a Pi'illo's nightmare once, turned into a monster motivated (possibly) by hunger for that . eventually laid his eyes on the dark stone. started a WAR after stealing it. lost the war and got sealing away by the Zeekeeper into the dream world. but before he did, he shattered the Dark stone. its bits petrified everyone on the island . making this a fight where nobody won.
now what Pi'illoper wrote in his books:
basically Pi'illoper sliiiightly gave more details but , still more into the pi'illos pov .
so not much is added aside from calling Antasma a mage king of bats and adding this slight assumption that it's possible that Antasma ,possibly, isn't actually ORIGINALLY from pi'illo insland
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(but again the pi'illoper isn't a reliable source much in that matter but yk had to add it .)
So regardless , in both takes , Antasma is hungry for both power and dreams .
now aside from these facts, i'll go right into the interactions with the rest of the characters (and why i think people maaaaaaybe looking into his motives and all a bit from a wrong direction)
first of all his interactions with the Mario Bros:
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now not ONCE did Antasma bat an eye on the bros specifically. he was always interacting only with bowser and DREAMBERT. he's ALWAYS adressing dreambert.
the only time he adressed the bros was as "these creatures" . he doesn't care about them at all, he doesn't see them much as a threat seemingly, or even as equals. he's merely focused on Dreambert and Dreambert ALONE .
so, he's so arrogant and full of himself . he thinks they are NOT on his level .
now, with Dreambert:
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it's obvious how much rivalry and bitterness he holds against Dreambert yk? he only adresses HIM he only has a grudge against HIM (for now . before Bowser's betrayal). but even so he still has that bit of arogance and pride regardless
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especially when he gets apparently stronger by the end of the game . he's deadpan like "if you even DARE i will hand you pillow butt back at you " . (and he did lol)
nooooooow then next part is
Antasma's dynamic with bowser and why i think he did not give two dangs about him from the starts aside from his power and dream energy.
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from the START of their interactions , Antasma made it so clear that he only wants Bowser on his side because:
1- he's stronger than Peach (both brawn wise and dream energy wise) also gotta stop here for a sec cuz i do wonder how it would've been like if he kept on with kidnaping Peach instead but oh well.
2- he is evil. he will cooperate better if treated right into the situation.
as the game goes on we get MORE hints that Antasma isn't much of a loyal dude himself but he DOES demands loyalty from others .
how he's OBVIOUSLY not very loyal and totally plotting something :
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ok THIS part specifically, to almost everyone in the fandom, interepts it differently which is ok and very understandable!
but the way i see it is that Antasma is clearly LYING about sharing his powers. because he really went "i wish to conquer THE WORLD" but IMMIDEATLY changed that wording to "i wish i can do whatever i want actualluy! just fly around you know!"
but like, sure , do anything he wants , which still can imply yeeting Bowser aside ANYWAYS when he doesn't need him anymore , because by that time antasma is free to do whatever, correct?
ANOTHER hint to why i believe doesnt bat an eye about Bowser aside from the benefits (get it? bat an eye? cuz he's a bat king-)
is this scene specifically:
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it might not sound much but it sorta is . basically right before that Bowser suggests taking that dream energy from his minions instead but Antasma is like "mmmmm no you're more evil and stronger idc"
so another trait Antasma has is that he's glutton . as HELL. both for power and Dreams .
you know what that reminds me of? Parasites. in which, parasites pick a specific host and just takes whatever benefits and gives nothing in return . because based on everything before that he's clearly using that "ah yea sure WE- of course we. you're there of course." excuse just as a big lie. he aint sharing any of that power he gets.
When the betrayal happens later on, Antasma is obviously as surprised as everyone else . Not because he's like loyal to Bowser or anything but either becausehe betrayed him FIRST or because he expects his pawn to be loyal to him anyways .(Cuz as I said before, Antasma is Arrogant and very prideful .)
The one take I see from most of the fandom is that in that moment he reconsidered NOT betraying Bowser and actually keeping the alliance which . .. would be possible but we get no hints to that really other than, what I said before, subtle hints that Antasma is simply manipulative towards the koopa king.
Sooooo lemme conclude all this long essay :
1-antasma IS evil . Very evil.
2-he's very prideful and arrogant .
3-he has this hunger for power and dream energy.
4-he sounds veeeery manipulative through all of his screentime.
5-geniunely has this parasitic behavior
6-he would take everyone down with him if he's not winning. Not because he's desperate but because he believes nobody is on the same level as himself .
7-he doesn't give a darn about the bros but still used Luigi's dreams to escape to the real world (idk might be cuz Weegee is a perfect dream host if that made sense)
8-he doesn't get much screentime but when he does there's a lot going on but I wish it was explored better .
But again this is just my pov of it!anyone can have a different take I suppose
That's all I suppose lmao until next time when I hyperfixate!
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snaxle · 11 months
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just saw someone say the reason bi lesbians are problematic is because they're inclusive of radfems, and that bi lesbians spew terf rhetoric. i dont know what kinda secret alternate universe you're living in where terfs are supportive of mspec identities but im begging you to turn on your brain cells for longer than 5 seconds at a time and then go outside instead of wallowing in queer twitter discourse made by 15 year olds 10 hours every day you fucking idiots.
terfs dont fucking like bi lesbians. terfs would rather watch us either kill ourselves than ever support our identities.
"i hate mspec lesbians because they tell people who hate men that they're sharing terf beliefs, which is exactly what terfs want!!" have you literally never seen a terf's account before in your life? they fucking hate men and want everyone in the world to know that every single man in the world no matter how old they are that they're gross ugly creatures who all hate women and want nothing more than to prey on the downfall of all women. yea, even those 6 and 12 year old boys that live next door to you. so yea, while you're posting your quirky little "i hate all men they're disgusting 🙄" posts every three days for your 400 twitter followers, you're 100% spewing terf rhetoric!! no that doesnt mean you're a fucking terf but you're sharing into their beliefs and spreading their agenda every time you do this shit which is what they want!!!!
"the term lesbian is already inclusive of trans and nonbinary people, so using the term bi/mspec lesbian is problematic because you dont think trans people can be lesbians!" look me in the eyes. do you genuinely, honest to god think that terfs care about that. do you genuinely think terfs are okay with trans people calling themselves a lesbian. terfs dont fucking care, they still want you to either detransition and realize how "evil" being trans is and follow in their beliefs, or they want you dead. a nonbinary trans man who uses he/him pronouns calling himself a bi lesbian is literally the least of your fucking worries.
i am trans and bigender. even if i just called myself solely a lesbian without the extra labels, terfs still wont fucking accept me because i am not a pure innocent 100% woman. they will not accept me even when i tell them i feel more like a woman most days than i do a man because i am not their definition of what a woman should be. "it doesnt matter what terfs say, lesbian is still inclusive of trans people!" no, it's only inclusive of trans people that you deem are good and women enough to use the label.
people love going around talking about how they're so so supportive of any and all identities and then immediately turn around and be like "hmmm but not Yours." i could be the most perfect woman in the world, but the second i so much as mention i think a man looks attractive, then i am not being a lesbian the Right way.
so who the fuck cares anymore. who cares if i use the term bisexual lesbian to identify myself? im already doing it all wrong supposedly, so who cares if im more of a problem than i already am? the queer people im supposed to share a community with would rather side on the side of terfs because im not being a lesbian in the supposedly Correct way, and no matter what i say to try defending myself I'll never be seen as a true and proper lesbian because random strangers on the internet i will never meet ever in my life has already dictated that I'm not good enough. that my existence is problematic and harmful to everyone else, completely ignorant of the fact that they're unwillingly sharing in the beliefs of transphobes, homophobes and conservatives who would like nothing more than to wipe us all out instead of standing together as a community.
but you know, putting bi lesbians on your dni or whatever is more important.
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yellowbluemoonshine · 3 months
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Did you saw my hero ending
Bnha Ending;
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I was gonna answer this ask, after the story end but i dont think it matters. My answer would probably still be same. I think the story always had issues with writing but it 'especially' went down after the war arc. But i thought it couldnt be worse than what we already get with last arc. And then author ruined both Izuku and Shigaraki's character by killing Shiggy. Its almost like author didnt even bother with them. They didnt even get cool interaction moments Shouto had with Touya and Ochaco had with Toga. It wasnt surprise because he ruined Izuku's character to make Bakugou look better. Author even admitted he forgot Deku's father. Its like he didnt even bother his own main character, even though it supposed to be most important character. Because it is HIS story.
Its even worse since we know Deku was all about saving people and saving Tenko, saving Shigaraki is the main mission of his character arc. Thats how he can be the greatest hero. Deku was never about power...at least at the beginning of his character. Story is all about how messed up society is but author didnt want to make heroes look bad. He killed most dangerous villains (Afo, Shiggy, Toga etc). Dabi only stayed 'alive' so that Todoroki family, heroes can have good ending. I think author didnt want to risk his story, he didnt want to loose interests of his fans and thats the reason Bnha is ruined. I think he really shouldve get rest, instead of forcin himself to write something he doesnt seem to interested in too much anymore. It would be better, if he never continued this story. I would prefer that, instead of what we got in the end. Its a shame really.
Although Bnha end up becoming disappointing for me, i am glad that i experienced the story because it is the main reason i opened my account in Tumblr and Twitter. First time i read character analysis and started to write in here. Even though, characters are ruined, i still love them. And it was fun to analyze them. I also met a lot of people in here. Of course, i had many bad experiences too, it was awfull but i also met a lot of friends. I am so happy to meet them and that I am here. So i am not regret that i read this story at all.
I think canon ending will be this ending for me, because I think it fits story better and what author originally (similarly) planned to do. I put one of my favorite scenes as gif too. So yeah, thanks for the ask and thank you for everyone for reading my Bnha posts. I am still gonna be around here. Not for Bnha but for other series, games or whatever i am interested in ^^.
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liverpool-enjoyer · 1 month
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hey yall forewarning this is easily the most embarrassing post ive ever made on here. like im not talking normal levels of tumblr cringe/oversharing, i mean youre probly gonna judge me and think somethings genuinely wrong with me. but i really need to get it off my chest so. yolo.
also tldr at the end in case you wanna spare yourself lmao.
mkay so recently i havent been online, because ive been really sad. and the reason im sad is that gavi got a girlfriend. which i realize is probly the stupidest and most juvenile thing to be sad over but hear me out (or dont lmao its a free country do whatever you want).
its not like i ever thought i had a chance with him or anything, im not stupid. but ive known for a very long time that, due to my asexuality (and other things but mostly that), i am never going to have love in my life. so for me, daydreaming and fantasizing about being gavis girlfriend was like,,, how i coped, i guess. it was a form of escapism for me. and now i cant do that anymore bc hes someones boyfriend and fantasizing abt another girls boyfriend just feels wrong. and pathetic.
it doesnt help that all my social medias have algorithmed so that hes all over all my feeds. and to be honest, looking at him just makes me think of his beautiful girlfriend who has everything i could ever want and i feel this horrible awful nauseating feeling in my stomach and i feel envious and sad and a slew of other things. it sucks that someone who once unknowingly made me so happy now does the exact opposite but hey what can you do.
i know it sounds stupid, but i dont think i'll ever feel for someone the way i feel about him. hes the most beautiful person ive ever laid eyes on and oh God i was right this does sound stupid ok lets continue
oh and let me be clear (you hafta read that in obamas voice) im aware that feeling this way toward a complete stranger (or anyone for that matter, but like especially a complete stranger) is EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY. unfortunately, knowing that my feelings and thoughts are unhealthy doesnt stop me from having them.
so yeah. now that ive lost my form of escapism, all i can think about at any given moment is how lonely im going to be. its hard to enjoy much of anything these days when all im thinking about is how im never going to receive romantic love, and now i cant even daydream about dating gavi to cope with it. because all i can think about when i try to is how hard his girlfriend would laugh if she found out some pathetic worm halfway across the world was fantasizing about her man.
so yeah thats it. i know that every time i angst abt my asexuality (which is a LOT like holy shit why do ppl still follow me), my friends tell me that its ok because im going to find someone someday. and i appreciate it, i really do. it means the world. but my friends saying that i'll find love doesnt make it true. plenty of people have died alone and unloved before, and i am going to be one of them.
tldr: a guy ive never met got a girlfriend n im having a depressive episode abt it LMAOOOO
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the-bonfires-ember · 5 months
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ok so this has a lot of facets so bear with me. standard disclaimer that this is all based on my personal experiences as a narcissistic sociopath; im not a professional and i dont speak for everyone.
anyway.
firstly, yes we do. i think prosocials/egotypicals do it too to an extent but for different reasons and in different ways.
from an aspd perspective, i get annoyed at people and it is no longer to my benefit to stick around them, ill just disappear in a classic ghosting style. frankly i never get to this point anymore because ive managed to surround myself with people i very rarely if ever find annoying. in the past, when ive befriended people and then theyve frustrated me or ive just generally found them annoying for some reason, ive either slowly extricated myself if i could keep getting stuff out of the person or just totally destroyed the relationship so that they stopped reaching out and i could stop expending energy into dodging them. in my head if someone has pissed me off, it means that its going to keep happening and theyve just finally shown me their true colours so i might as well get out now or detach myself so im not going to emotionally invested enough to get annoyed again in the future. essentially this means i stop caring about them at all. as for how fear factors in; it goes a pretty long way back into people being fundamentally untrustworthy and only beneficial in as much as i can get from them. if im putting up with more than im getting out of it, id just walk away because everyone is out for themselves and of course that applies to me too. thats the way ive been taught the world works, and if im not getting any emotional backlash for doing that, why wouldnt i? it just makes sense. im fundamentally out for myself because no one else has been there to help when i needed them in the past.
from an npd perspective, if someones annoying me its likely because i am thinking of myself as being vastly superior to them and find the annoying quirks of them to be proof of their inferiority. the fact that theyve disagreed with me or fought me on something means they dont have the degree of respect and admiration for me that they should. this usually leads to me discarding them out of frustration and ill push them away by just showing less and less interest in them, or the ways i would that i mentioned above. the fear here, as you may be able to guess, is being wrong and being weaker/worse/unworthy. for me, being right and being more esteemed than my peers was a matter of survival in my childhood, and now if someone is starting to chip into the veneer or perfection ive built and maintained they have become a threat and i have to separate before they see too much and i lose everything.
now i dont know why you - orginal messager - asked this question, or why anyone else might be looking for this informatio. i can come up with a few guesses though, so im gonna add a couple things that applies to prosocials and other things that apply to antisocials and narcissists. but ill tuck that away so you can ignore my advice if you want to and just take the analysis.
prosocials - if you have a friend with either of these personality disorders and they are beginning to withdraw theres a choice before you. firstly, you can let them. you can recognise that this person doesnt want to associate with you anymore for whatever reason and allow yourself to be at peace with that. im sure it hurts, especially after what ive said about my reasons for doing this, but if you think you are better off just letting this one go, i support that and encourage you to just slip away with a clean break.
the other option you have, if you want to try your best to keep that person with you, is to address it plain as day. its uncomfortable, yes, but try not to be confrontational. a simple 'hey, ive noticed you distancing yourself and withdrawing and i wanted to check in and find out why and whether or not we can resolve this'. perhaps its cold of me to ask this of you, im not entirely certain one way or the other. but you deserve to try and make it work if thats what you want, and the only way that happens is by addressing the problems and really, truly understanding that the behaviours we exhibit come from a place of fear and the memory of pain. they are trauma disorders. and while trauma does not excuse harmful behaviours it does no one any favours to ignore that its the root of the problem. maybe your friend will brush you off, thats true. they might not be ready to look deeper and thats their right. at which point youve done all you can and now you need to prioritise yourself. but maybe youll make your friend reevaluate, maybe they want to heal. and you can be such a huge part of that by just asking the questions and really listening to the response. its hard work, i know, but i will always be so grateful for the people who made me stop and look at myself and really see.
the third choice is you pretend its not happening and just wait to see if they get past it and come back. they might, its not implausible, but to me this feels like inviting yourself to be treated poorly again later when symptoms flare again and those fears react to something you dont understand or know about.
pwASPD and/or NPD - im not going to try and tell you that you owe it to the people around you to recover. im never saying that. recovery is your decision and it should only be for you. i chose recovery because i wanted to see what i wasnt able to before, and it has been so fucking hard. but id do it again in a heartbeat. its important to note though that i got lucky. really really fucking lucky, and id be doing you a disservice if i pretended otherwise. on that note, here is my advice for those who want to get better and those who dont:
if you dont, if you dont want to see the fear that is reacting to the perceived threat, if its still too painful to look at, just dont. let yourself be blind to it and find comfort in the ways you can. its not cowardly, and its not pathetic. sometimes forcing yourself to stare into a fire is more damaging than its worth, and you are the only one who can decide if it is or not. only you know how close to that fire you are. perhaps its better to distance yourself from this person even if its just for now, or perhaps its better to leave entirely. it depends on how uncomfortable you feel. but i suggest figuring it out quickly and saving yourself the trouble that will come if you string someone along for too long. its always blown up in my face eventually, for what my experience is worth, so deciding on your next move sooner than later saves you a lot of trouble. but perhaps the perks are better than the blow up later on. who am i to say.
if you do want to recover though, firstly, give yourself some credit. the way you are reacting is because this has kept you alive and safe this long, dont let yourself forget that. you arent ridiculous or pathetic or cowardly or whatever else your brain might be saying you are. you are alive, and you are deciding to grow past your trauma and the responses youve learnt to cope with it and thats fucking huge. dont forget it. now the first thing you want to do is really look at what is making you uncomfortable. something is, but itll take some digging. these survival methods run deep, and tracing back to the root of the issue will take time and a lot of work and so much fucking courage. its not easy, im not going to lie, but you can do it. you are worth the time and the work it takes to get the things you want for yourself. find out whats messing with you and see how you can resolve it, either by discussing it with your friend and letting them support you or just rationalising it with yourself. understand that you are able to keep yourself safe, you just have to figure out what you are afraid of being vulnerable to. youre going to be ok, and for the record, im really proud of you.
obviously to everyone: do whatever the fuck you want to forever. im not here to tell you to change your entire life just because i say you should, even im not that egotistical. im just offering my experiences and observations, its up to you what you do with them.
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luonae · 2 months
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scummy milo variant... aka a milo tailored for my questionable tastes. more about him under the cut
1) i think he would definitely be a variant of manipulation milo since this one relies on manipulation too. except instead of coming off as friendly and inserting himself in social circles this one would embrace this kinda emo or whatever look and a bad reputation because it makes him more attractive in a bad boy way
2) he plays with peoples feelings when they fall for him, using them to get money and information/blackmail on other people. he weaponizes his charms to get to people and once he got what he wanted and theyre no longer useful he throws them away and moves onto the next person
3) hes only doing this for eris of course. he has a tattoo of eris' initials in a heart on his neck (which would be really painful to get) to show his devotion. he may lie to his "lovers" about breaking up with eris to placate them but in the end theyre less than filth in his eyes; just a means to an end and nothing else. he absolutely despises when hes asked shit like "me or eris?" because he cant lie about that even if he must, so he often just says dont bring them up again and shuts the person down
4) unlike m milo, this one would be more willing to resort to violence if needed. hes not as violent as violence milo, but hes not particularly averse to it either. pick a fight with him over him stealing your girl or whatever and he will be knocking you out cold within 30 seconds and moving on with his day to smoke. he does frequently work out; maintaining his physique is important for his attractiveness after all (and the fights that come with it)
5) high alcohol tolerance. he gets people drunk to get information out of them. his size (and the fact he drinks a lot) mean he can hold his liquor well. after all, he himself cant get loose lipped. thats reserved for his victims. he needs to be sober to catch all the dirt they spill when drunk. besides he cant get himself into a vulnerable position like that.
6) probably almost got expelled multiple times, but he has his ways of keeping everything under control (blackmail)
7) cross him and youll face one of two fates: seduction or blackmail. i lied theres a third: getting your ass beat and thrown in the woods where no one will find you
8) lifeless eyes. his eyes only light up when he looks at or talks about eris. drops off everything he earned at eris' feet like a puppy and nuzzles up to them after a long day of being a bad boy. he will only get soft around them. he refuses to take orders from anyone else
9) really assertive. probably the most assertive of all milos, or up there with violence. he has manipulations confidence and violences ruthlessness, so he really has little to no fear outside of losing eris. nothing else makes him feel threatened nor embarrassed.
10) grew to overcome his fear of insects and even started liking spiders. he likens himself to one, catching his prey no matter how much they struggle, meticulously weaving inescapable webs.
11) probably acts averse to cute things, but he does have a soft spot for them secretly, especially bunnies. he looks back at his past self, pre, and feels a hint of fondness and pity. he doesnt dislike who he used to be even though hes nothing like that anymore. if pre milo was his own individual and existed alongside him, he would treat him like a younger brother and stand up for him.
12) really protective. has this death glare that communicates he will really throw your mutilated body in the ocean if you go anywhere near eris. probably really possessive of eris and, ironically enough, hates being touched or looked at by people other than eris, but will still tolerate it for his end goals.
13) while he may have no sympathy or reservations about what he does to his victims, he does feel a bit guilty when it comes to people who remind him of his past self. it wont stop him; nothing would ever stop him when eris is the one asking this of him, but were it up to him he probably would have some mercy on these types of people. he doesnt, though.
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sawyer-is-eepy · 5 months
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tw for syscourse and rq mentions //
i don’t give a shit anymore, this is important so im crosstagging this.
please, whoever you are, please read at least the tl;dr whether youre pro endo, anti endo, anti radqueer, pro radqueer, whatever. ignore the dni i guess? if you dont wanna see this just block me, i won't care.
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god i FUCKING HATE that my existence is seen as pro rq just cause im pro endo.
got called a radqueer today. i got roped in with pedophiles and necrophiles and zoophiles.
look, listen, i'm all for anti-contact pro-recovery supporters and i do think that we shouldn't shun these people away.
but rq is not for that. they actively support pro-contact and anti recovery rhetoric as well as say its okay to be rcta and "transage" and shit.
THIS should be the thing anti rq focus on. instead of the fact that because i support something that DOES HAVE FUCKING RESEARCH ON IT DESPITE WHAT YOU ALL SAY YOU FUCKERS.
i can fight and kick and scream and yell all i want but at the end of the day, my opinion automatically doesnt matter.
it doesnt even matter if a system with a fucking diagnosis that is "normal" (aka no fictives, factives, less than like 15 alters, and has a miserable life because of course thats what its like for all *real* systems or whatever) was trying to fight against rq, if they were even kind of proendo they’d be shot down immediately.
let me reiterate this- NOT ALL ENDOS ARE RQ. NOT ALL PRO ENDOS ARE RQ. 
please fucking stop roping us in with these people. please. 
to rq - i dont want to be included in your fucking community. We’re fine on our own, okay? we don't need your “safe space,” you’re actively making it worse. kindly FUCK OFF AND STOP RUINING THIS FOR US. PLEASE. EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE IS SPENT PROVING MYSELF OVER THE FUCKING INTERNET AND IT’S HARDER BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. 
to endo rq- we don’t want you representing us. you are NOT the face of endos and supporters. Kindly also fuck off to your own space with the rq instead of speaking for us. 
every day i have to say the same shit because of YOU PEOPLE. YOU FUCKING PEOPLE. 
i can’t have fucking anything and i can’t win. my existence is constantly “disproven” or “debunked” or just used as rage fuel.
and it feels like it’ll never end. tell me, when does this shit end? when does all of this work we as a community have done pay off? 
damn. maybe i should stop doomscrolling, huh?
tl;dr i’m an endo/endo supporter and i would like to say that it is exhausting to constantly be roped in with radqueers just cause they support us or whatever. they don't speak for us, they don’t represent us, hate us all you want but don't label us radqueer. fucking PLEASE. and also, maybe we should focus on trying to stop the zoophiles, pedophiles and necrophiles and / or fighting for system awareness in general before we focus on fighting on whether or not endos are real when most people don’t even accept “real” systems.
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jewish-vents · 7 months
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its so bad to the point that i cant talk to goyim anymore, i just cant trust them whatsoever. but my therapist is a goy and a few weeks ago i tried to say that i was scared to go to more punk shows because of rampant antisemitism and she basically said that i was just paranoid and that it doesnt matter anyways. so obviously i walked out. but since then i cant talk to her i cant forget about everything that goyim have done to break me these past few months and i cant trust her to talk even about normal stuff. i still go i just sit there in silence while she talks at me for an hour. last week she asked me if someone did something to make me shut down like this and i was just thinking "yeah, my friend was murdered in october and i lost all my irl friends after i saw them cheering on the people who murdered him and i get people telling me almost everyday that hitler shouldve finished the job" but i just stayed silent because i know she'll probably agree with them. when my mum woke me up to take me today i started crying and hyperventilating because im so scared. its really bad because i need her to help get on the diability benefit, i cant work because im disabled and i cant get the benefit alone because my disabilities stop me from going to the meetings and making the phone calls and my brother said im a waste of resources and contribute nothing to society and i cant leave my house because im scared i'll get killed for being jewish
I'm sorry but your therapist sounds like a crappy therapist. It sucks that you need her. You're not a waste of resources and you can contribute to society, but one way or another you have inherent worth that is completely independent from what you can give others. And you have experienced quite a significant bit of trauma, and maybe more things you haven't even mentioned here. You're allowed to feel sad and upset and even angry.
When you need it, you can always come here scream and cry and talk and whatever you want (within the rules, of course). We're not going to judge you and you don't even need to make sense. Just let it out.
Best of luck and I hope it gets better for you
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