#pash my beloved

[vampirepolitician]

Cringe fail bodyguard, nepotism kid at rebel militia, canonically sexiest person after Coronabeth, dual wielding machetes, nro 1 cousin in the world <3

[thessiastars]

Nona the ninth should be renamed to nona and nonas big fat crush on pash

[lajulie24]

Just one example from Star Wars

science fiction as a genre was invented specifically to show lesbians some greasy sweaty women in tank tops fixing machinery

[ari-the-arotistic]

So I was thinking about pirates of the Caribbean, and each characters unique moral code and way of approaching life, as one does, when I remembered a particular scene about our beloved James Norrington... the very first scene in which Jack and James meet. Now, as a long time Sparrington shipper, I adore the Sparrington fandoms adopted head canon of Jack's compass pointing directly at Jack when James is holding it as having a romantic connotation too it, but this is Disney we're talking about, and a Disney from 20 years ago at that, so it is of course just a head canon. And while it is a beloved head canon, I will always be a writer before a shipper, and what that scene says about Norrington from a writer's perspective is far too juicy not to share... So buckle up for a very long meta post about who James Norrington is as a person, and how it was set up in this scene(and later reinforced in the second and third movie). This is my first real meta post, and I'm very excited for it, so let's jump right in.

First of all, the compass scene.

As we can clearly see in the image above, since the red line that points to the object of the holder's desires is no where to be seen, its relatively easy to conclude that it's hidden from our view by the sun dial in the middle, and thusly is pointing directly at Jack. Elizabeth is off to James's right, and no one is standing behind Jack, so unless the compass was pointing at something in the far off distance that just so happened to be in Jack's general direction(unlikely) its pretty clear what(or who) the compass is pointing at. For most potc fans, this is fairly standard knowledge. But it's what this fact says about Norrington's character that I'd like to focus on. After all, what does it say about a man that a compass that shows you what you desire most is pointing at a pirate, and the very face of piracy at that, instead of your canonical love interest, when you're a Commodore of the Navy? As stated above, Sparrington shippers often point at this scene as proof that James has a bit of a pash on the ruggedly handsome pirate, or at the very least, a thing for men. But from a writer's perspective, this just simply isn't the case, and not because the writer's in this instance are the notoriously homophobic corporation we call Disney. The reason why this is so unlikely from a writing perspective is because given the context clues, we as an audience are meant to draw the conclusion that this is the first time that they meet(I have heard rumors of them meeting as children in the books, but having never read them, and focusing only on the movies, I'm not including that in this post). And since this is the first time they've met, it's highly unlikely that the compass is pointing at Jack because James has a bit of a thing for him. Even if James has heard of Jack's many exploits, he does not truly know the man behind the legend, so having romantic feelings for the pirate at this point in time just isn't believable. And even if James was a closeted gay/bi man, it's still unlikely that the compass would be pointing at Jack of all the men around the Commodore(of which there is a lot, some of whom he is incredibly close with) seeing as Jack is the poster boy of piracy, and at this point in the movie it's made abundantly clear that James vehemently detests the notion and all who practice it. If James were to be holding the compass in Jack's vicinity in later movies and it still pointed at the pirate, an argument could definitely be made that it was because he had developed feelings for Jack, but for their first meeting, it's just not realistic. So it's much more likely that the reason the compass is pointing at Jack is because of James's desire to send every pirate he meets to "a quick drop and a sudden stop" as he so eloquently put it to a young Elizabeth. This is further reinforced in the third movie when it is revealed that Beckett's desire to have Jack dead at his feet would prevent him from using the compass to find Shipwreck Cove if the pirate was not already at the aforementioned location, or, well, dead. This is again, relatively common knowledge. But like I said before, it's what this fact says about James that is the whole point of this post... and that is that James cares more about his career than anything else, even the woman he claims to love. Now for some, that statement alone might seem like a pretty obvious conclusion, but it's how this scene subtlety sets up this core aspect of Norrington's character before we even truly get to know who he is, and how it's brought to it's full height in the second movie, and the core aspect of his redemption and subsequent death in the third that I'd really like to talk about. Which brings us to the next segment of this post...

How James lost his commission to the navy...

And how he got it back

So let's start off with how James lost his commission... it's a story we all know pretty well, and one he tells to Gibbs in the scene shown above, when he plans to either join Jack's crew or get revenge on the man that(he believes) ruined his life. After Jack's escape in the first movie, James grew obsessed with capturing the pirate, so much so that he foolishly followed the Black Pearl into a hurricane, resulting in the sinking of the Dauntless, and the loss of countless lives that had been aboard the vessel. It's unclear aside from James himself who had been on the ship at the time, and who did or did not survive, but the death toll was heavy, with most, if not everyone who wasn't James, having perished in the storm. While it is not the most extreme example(which we'll get too in just a bit), this is a pretty clear example of James prioritizing his career above everything else, even reason and logic. And all just to capture a singular pirate, even at the cost of his own ship and crew, and rather ironically, the very career that he had been so desperately trying to hold onto in the first place. Which brings us to the next scene I'd like to discuss... James stealing the heart of Davy Jones. This moment is the absolute peak of this part of James's character. This is the moment where James takes his obsessive need for his career to the max. This is the moment where James truly prioritizes his career above everything else, even the woman he claims to love(and for Sparrington shippers, above the man he's reluctantly come to care about). At this point in time, when James decides to take the heart for himself to regain his old station, he's been on the Black Pearl long enough to know the full situation. That Jack is in some kind of trouble with Davy Jones, and that if Jack doesn't use the heart to bargain for his freedom, then the Kraken will hunt Jack, and subsequently the Black Pearl, down until he and everyone aboard are dead. And that includes Elizabeth. And yet, despite knowing that stealing the heart would basically mean sealing Elizabeth's death, he still decided to do so. Sure, the argument could be made that he thought Elizabeth would be able to escape somehow, but the chances of her dying at sea, or some other terrible fate befalling her before she could safely make it back to civilization would have been highly likely. Of course we as an audience know that this isn't the case, but James does not. So essentially, James was so obsessed with his career, and maintaining the image of the honorable Commodore that he didn't even truly register that he was putting Elizabeth, the woman he loves and has been trying so desperately to woo for the past two movies, in danger. And he won't fully realize the consequences of his actions until the third movie, in a deleted scene no less(I swear when I find whoever decided to delete some of the most important scenes to James's character...), when Davy Jones informs Governor Swann of his daughters untimely demise on the Black Pearl. Of course, almost immediately afterwards, Beckett retcons that statement by informing the Governor that Elizabeth was recently seen in Singapore, but for a few minutes, James has to sit with the fact that Elizabeth was dead, and it was his fault. And even after learning that she was in fact still alive, James has now finally come to the realization that if she had still been on the Black Pearl when it sank with its Captain, he would've been the one to send her to her death. And for Sparrington shippers, James has to sit with the unavoidable fact that he was the reason Jack had died(even if the pirate does come back), despite the fact that it was Elizabeth's betrayal that was the final nail in Jack's coffin, since she wouldn't have had to do that if the Kraken wasn't after them in the first place. Which brings us to the final scene I'd like to discuss...

James choosing a side, and paying the price

Now, before we fully delve into this scene, I'd like to take a moment to talk about James's own perception of himself, and his relationship with honor and integrity. From the very first scene in which we meet James Norrington, we are made aware that he has a strong moral compass. He firmly believes piracy is evil, and that all who partake in piracy deserve a swift end. He perceives his Commodore persona as being the paragon of honor and integrity, and the sole arbiter of justice. We can infer from the line "By remembering that I serve others, Sparrow, not just myself" that James does have honorable intentions when ridding the world of pirates, that being protecting the innocent citizens under his care, but as seen once again in the first time James and Jack meet, wherein James adamantly tries to arrest Jack despite the fact the fact that pirate had just saved Elizabeth's life, his actions to achieve that goal are not always quite as honorable as his intentions are. This is especially highlighted once again when James gave Beckett the heart of Davy Jones. James's intentions here were once again rooted in honor and integrity - he believes that the only way to keep people safe from pirates is too return to his old station, to the image of honor and integrity he had built around the title of Commodore, and the only way to return to his old station is to give Beckett the heart. But the action itself was far from honorable, seeing as James had to betray the woman he loved just to obtain the heart, and that he was now putting it into the hands of a dangerously unstable individual who planned on using it to commit mass genocide.

And now, we finally get to the scene above... Of course, it's made clear throughout his scenes in the third movie leading up to this one that James is already starting to regret giving Beckett the heart after seeing the damage being caused, but since Beckett is targeting pirates specifically(although we as an audience know that Beckett's definition of pirate is very loose) James figures that the ends justify the means, as he often does in situations regarding piracy. It is not until his reunion with Elizabeth, where he learns that Governor Swann is dead, and that Beckett lied to him about the Governor's whereabouts, that James truly realizes the enormity of his mistake. It is in this moment that James has a sudden realization that fundamentally shakes him to his core, and is the reason behind his change of heart later on. He realizes that the honorable Commodore persona that he had tried to cultivate and keep a hold of for so long had never been truly honorable at all, and that by giving Beckett the heart of Davy Jones, he had effectively tied the noose around the neck of his own honor and integrity, as well as the necks of hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people, with his own hands. And as that one vine goes, this was the moment James knew, he fucked up. Which leads to his decision to change sides in an attempt to redeem himself, and his subsequent death in the process. Of course, part of James's reason for helping Elizabeth escape was that he does care for her, but given everything I've detailed about him so far, I think it's safe to say the main reason that James decided to help Elizabeth and her crew was because he wanted to undo the damage he had done, and he had faith that Elizabeth, Will, and Jack would have some sort of plan to defeat Beckett, and stop any further damage to come from his mistake. And now, for his death scene itself... As much as I love the idea of James surviving and joining the pirates(whether at Elizabeth's side or Jack's is unimportant), I firmly believe that his death was a necessary end of this part of his character arc, and that if he were to survive he would still have to go through a major ego death for this part of his character arc to end properly. Because as Bill turner drives that wooden pike into James's gut, it's not just the physical death of his body, but also the metaphorical death of Admiral James Norrington, and the ideals that James had used to build the persona out of. So even if James survived, the Admiral would still have to meet his metaphorical end, thusly causing James to lose a core part of himself that had been guiding most his decisions so far, in the process, which would start the next part of his character arc, where he would have to deal with the loss of a key part of his personality, and rebuild himself from the ground up to finally, truly become the image of honor and integrity he had envisioned from the beginning.

And that concludes this very long post. I could probably wax enough poetics about this aspect of James's character to write a short novel, but I've said everything important to this post, and if I go on any longer, I'm likely to start repeating myself lol. Thank you for reading, and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or a reblog! I will always love hearing more about our polished peacock <3

[fortjester]

“i would give anything to give camilla hect a firm handshake, outta my way gayboy” has been stuck in my head ever since you posted it. thanks for adding enrichment to my Cam Brainworms enclosure 🙏🙏

i've just been thinkng so much abt her lately (<- literally got art of her commissioned for a wip she only cameos in) i just can't imagine anyone being normal about her. makes no sense. also pash my beloved step up your game, you fumbled that so bad lmao. (always happy to add enrichment to various enclosures: overjoyed to be keeping cam stans fed)

[liesmyth]

I'm obsessed with literally any ship that involves Cytherea. You could go "Pash/Cyth" and if you pitched it right I'd fall in love right away lmao—evil disabled women my beloved

ANY SHIP IS 100X BETTER by having Cytherea in it. Cytherea/Palamedes? Cytherea/Harrow? Cytherea/Commander We Suffer? someone literally just sent me an ask mentioning Cyth/John and I had to take a moment. She is SO!!!!

Anyway. Cytherea/Pash... that has good appeal actually because Pash is someone who actually really deserves to be wrecked and I think Cytherea deserves a plaything. As a treat

[rosewind2007]

I’ve riffed off similar ideas to this one in various fics—one of my favourites being “made for each other” where it turns out Gurathin was part of a research programme using (very young) augmented humans as part of the SecSystem integrated with the SecUnits

Because it is odd that after almost four years Murderbot since it hacked its Governor Module (time spent and in and out of the company offices, and cubicles, and amongst other units and presumably SecUnit experts) it’s some guy from Preservation of all places who spots it’s rogue

And yes, Gurathin “he came later” to Preservation, he’s got a past…

It’s SO WEIRD!!! And he’s spotted it way before the worm attack, honestly—he says it was anomalies in the feed but:

Guarthin? What do you know?

Note—Ratthi is a biologist, I don’t think we ever get a job description for Gurathin except that Murderbot tells GrayCris he’s a systems analyst, and this may be a lie (though it tells them they can check and to be fair he ACTS like a systems analyst and doesn’t seem involved in the hands on stuff of the survey as much as Ratthi for example)

Badge design by the amazing @cinqueform

I think Murderbot's beef with Gurathin is funny, sure, but I also think it's kinda ripe for a nice Gurathin Headcanon:

Canon:

Gurathin emigrated TO Preservation. He's from somewhere else but we don't know where.

He's a bit of a loner

Suspicious af (personality trait)

First to identify somethings up with Muderbot and that it's got a funky Governor Module

Biologist that has knowledge on how to handle a SecUnit

The only augmented human on the OG team

FINAL THEORY:

Gurathin is a former SecUnit engineer and recognized what was up with MB. MB has had multiple wipes from before Ganaka Pit. MB carries on his dislike of Gurathin, not just because he's a little bit of an asshole and similar energies repel and all. I think Muderbot encountered Gurathin at some point pre-module break and can't remember it. I think Gurathin can't remember MB SPECIFICALLY but is nervous about it anyways like "is this one I worked on?"

If he got a change of heart and/or fortune when he went to Preservation instead of whatever Corporate polity he was from originally??? Can't blame him.

[latecomerfangirl]

What have I done...

[brewdairymore]

pash the locked tomb my beloved

[mirikitakato]

Inazuma Eleven Orion’s poster and Ichihoshi’s seiyuu (Oomachi Tomohiro) in Pash! April 2019 magazine

I actually bought this for Sandy’s poster and didn’t even realized my Orion best boy’s interview is in here, lol. So I may as well post this and a summary of the interview (I did a full translation for this, but in my language, I’m just lazy to do a full English one....). I’m not confident in my Japanese skill so please take it with a grain of salt.

- Machi-san said the staff hid the fact Mitsuru is Hikaru from him and he was very surprised, but he feels lucky that he didn’t know because that way he was able to play Mitsuru as Mitsuru and HIkaru as HIkaru, two different people.

- He is pressured because he is working with lots of famous seiyuu and he is a “villain” that gonna kick the popular IE characters out. Then he said he is lucky that he didn’t get the pain that IE fans feel because he doesn’t have that much emotion for other characters (since he didn’t know about IE before and this is his first main role)

- He is shocked by the “sorry, I slip my hand” by Kidou but he thinks the connection between this scene and the later “grasping hand” by Nosaka and Asuto is deep.

- He thinks it’s easier to think Ichihoshi as “2 people with the same goal” when playing him.

- Machi-san admires Endou and Asuto because they believe in Ichihoshi since very beginning and always around to help him. “Asuto and Ichihoshi has lots of chance to talk with each other, and some scenes are impressive to me.”

- He was scared of Nosaka and Haizaki since Ichihoshi is being suspected by them. But now Nosaka sounds like a dependable brother to Ichihoshi. 

- He wonders what NIshikage feels when “his beloved Nosaka” is together with Ichihoshi. Yes I’m not kidding, Machi-san said that “daisukina”

- He wants a combo hissatsu of Ichihoshi, Haizaki, Nosaka and Asuto.

- For some reasons the magazine calls Hikaru “Apostle of the Sun”.

[sayo-chan3]

The new Pash arrived today and my beloved Odazai poster is here <3 <3 <3

[locked-tomb-shenanigans]

You’re going to make me sobbb oh my god

Pyrrha my beloved!! Tiny little Pash!!! Swaddled baby Gideon!!!! I’m coming apart at the seams holy fuck

this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful

[honooblze]

Why JP&CH yoi fans are hating Kubo? Does Kubo love yuuri/victuuri?

Read an article on a Chinese apps about yoi production team and Kubo sensei discriminate and hate yuuri katsuki and victuuri. In order to praise her beloved yurio and his ships(otabek x yurio, Victor x yurio), Kubo sensei has mocked and criticized on yuuri katsuki not only once since early 2017. People from Japan and Chinese community are guessing the official yoi is trying to change the protagonist to yurio.

Disclaimer: I am just trying my best to translate this article into English. I didn't write or own this article. I did asked for permission to translate. I am sorry if this sounds strange to you. Apologize on my shitty English. But Japanese and Chinese yoi fans are not quite happy with Kubo and official yoi lately. For a better insight of this issue you can go to some Japanese/Chinese/Taiwanese yoi community.

Original text:

http://madaopeinifangfei.lofter.com/post/1e8a4380_fd952f1

Why am i writing this, i have says it on my weibo (chinese facebook)

the relationship between production team and fans is not simply giving and receiving. it is materialistic. we are communicating through money. However, not every production team is smart enough to take response from fans. if you only receiving from what they give you, the result may not be pretty.

i am not bragging about yoi fans and i am not trying to play smart. in this case, we are all victims.

luckily japanese yoi fans are trying their very best since april 2017. in my opinion, yoi production team is listening to fans’ opinions. however i cant promise you all that the production team will listen to your comments and thoughts and give you the ideal yoi film or season 2. if the production team is listening to our opinions, why cant we bargain with them?

10th feb

during allnight boardcasting, kubo sensei mentions about dvd and bluray bonus, “do you want to see yurio skate?” “this comic will make yuri’s angel very happy.”

3rd april

animate releases the designed of yoi storage box which drawn by kubo sensei

the picture of victor and yuuri’s figure skating practice is in the draft. however it has disappeared from the finalized design.

10th april

pash magazine may vol. is released. yoi content is about Sayo Yamamoto interview, she mentions, “(vol.6 first press and all vol. bonus) this will make yurio and otabek fans really happy and delighted. the quality of yurio’s figure skating performance is the 2nd best! (the best will be stammi vincino)”

 Sayo Yamamoto promises “all victor in vol. 6 will be perfect and flawless” (which is “true”)

at the same time   Sayo Yamamoto says in vol 6 there will be some slight changes which make the relationship between each character change.   Sayo Yamamoto’s interview had brought some discussions and fights among yoi fandom. his speech implies in vol.6 there will be no full version of victuuri’s stammi vicino. this makes many yoi fans hesitate to order vol.6

moreover, in this promotion interview, yuuri katsuki’s name is NEVER MENTIONED

on the same day

yoi official twitter announces vol.6 first press bonus

it is obvious that the last first press bonus is yurio’s welcome to the madness and complete vol. bonus comic, it hints kubo sensei will be the author of the bonus comic and the comic will be about yurio and his figure skating performance.

10th-16th april

yoi official twitter deletes yurio’s figure skating performance twitter as top post

16th april

da vinci news reports yoi vol.6, the title is “yoi first press bonus makes fan excited, must order” this report is not quite reporting the real situation, because of this yahoo news, some fans are questioning on the official yoi

24th april

yoi official twitter posts the cover of vol.6, and says the bonus will include stammi vicino  with no subtitle version.

29th april

announce there will be yoi film

16t may

postpone the release date of the setting art book for the third time, and post a picture titled “prize giving ceremony”. in this picture

-the height difference between victuuri is strange

-victuuri are not wearing their rings and victor is wearing his gloves which contradict with GPF ceremony in the last episode of yoi

-yurio’s facial expression is so different from the anime

-yurio’s shoes have some miskates

-JJ is missing (he is the second runner up)

-there are shades on victuuri’ faces

people are pointing out these strange elements and mistakes from this picture. the illustrator of this picture says on his own twitter he had drawn victuuri’s rings but the publisher take them off with “some reasons”

17th may

the illustrator of GPF ceremony closes his twitter (says he closed it on 16th may)

the fusosha (a japanese publisher) changes the title of this picture to “off shot after GPF prize giving ceremony” however this cannot explain to victuuri’ fans why the hell yurio is standing in the middle. fans are criticizing yoi again.

at the same time, in the description of animate’s setting art book bonus, it was still GPF prize giving ceremony

18th may

illustrator of GPF ceremony says this picture is all about yurio’s smile. he drew this because of his smile. his attitude makes yoi fans angry because he wants to push the responsibility to victuuri’s fans.

21st may

an otayuri fan suggests fans go to a japanese book shop to get otayuri “magazine” on twitter. yoi fans says this magazine might be complete vol bonus comic and she immediately deletes her twitter account.

22nd may

in late night, this fan changes her profile picture to victuuri’s beach scene in episode 4, and she apologized about her bonus comic tweet.

at around 1 am, yoi fans question her motivation in changing her profile picture to victuuri. then she deletes her profile picture.

8pm, official yoi and animega apologize on their official twitter, due to some misunderstanding, staffs mistakenly send out 11 copies of complete vol bonus comic.

after 23rd may

suddenly there are many posts which criticize on victuuri’s fans hate content of first press bonus, also there are many posts criticize on the scandals of official yoi.

25th may

because of that otayuri fan, people realize there are not many victuuri in the bonus comic. fans are spreading this news all over the internet. also, yurio’s personality is so different in the comic compare to the anime, it is wired that victor as the coach allow yuuri lifts himup and victuuri are not wearing their rings, etc. these strange content make fans so confused and puzzled.

some fans points out that kubo sensei in the appendix commentary says yuuri doesnt have any friend in front of yuuri’s cv(voice actor), this make yuuri’s cv and yurio’s cv so embarrassed and dead air for a long time. at last yuuri’s cv tries his best to end this awkward situation. also kubo sensei is not looking happy throughout the whole commentary. the only time she is excited is when victor is holding yurio in his arms. her attitude makes fans question about her interest on yoi. gradually, kubo sensei shows her hatred to yuuri(and yuuri’s cv and victor). her hatred(or i will say anti-yuuri and anti-victuuri) makes yoi fans discomfortable and angry. many fans are hoping and telling kubo sensei to quit yoi production team. at the same time fans are questioning if kubo sensei truly creates yoi.

at last in the appendix art book, the age of all characters are not available. otabek and yurio as teenage are performing slightly inappropriate are making some fans feel disgust and disapproval.

26th may

release date of vol6, official yoi twitter is not excited

in the evening, the news of Hiramatsu Tadashi’s illustration for ost makes the official yoi twitter excited. according to yoi fans, like and share of Hiramatsu Tadashi’s illustration tweet is 2 times of release vol6 tweet

…………………………………….

this girl and her friends had analyze why the official yoi is sort of hating yuuri and victuuri because of changing sponsorship.  she did not include any screencapture of the above incidents.

I love yoi since october 2016, i love yuuri at the very first episode when he is crying in the bathroom. I have bought tons of magazines about yoi and whole set of yoi bluray. in my opinion, i can sense kubo sensei is not that into yuuri at the very beginning but i never question about it because hey, i dont wanna argue with anyone. it is obvious that kubo sensei likes victor and yurio. just look at her twitter.

i am not saying that this is the truth. but i translate this girl’s article just want to raise your awareness on victuuri and yoi. to be honest, both japanese and chinese yoi fans are not quite happy recently because of the official yoi’s attitude. many great fanart artists and fanfic writers abandon yoi because of kubo sensei’s attitude and ofiicial yoi’s attitude.

if yurio is going to be the protagonist and have all the attention and be the central uke.i will not watch season 2/film. i will not support this yuri on ice and please kubo go away. if you dont even like yuuri katsuki. let hiramatsu sensei do the work. at least he respects all the fans and the characters. besides the official yoi disgusts many of us that they are trying to make yoi yaoi but then they deny this anime is yaoi or what so ever. its like telling you 1+1 is 2, when you learn that then slap you in the face saying this is wrong. i dont mind the production team wants more money from yoi but like listen to what fans want please.

we want victuuri. victuuri is the reason for us to watch yoi and love yoi(or figure skating if you like). if you think yurio can make you gain such a profit/success? go ahead because we only need one tsundere protagonist in anime which is ritsu onodera.

[yuriinrussia]

Please support Kubo-sensei!

My dear, beloved YOI fandom!

I spent 6 hours translating latest Kubo’s interview from Pash! from english to russian, including her comment from event that fans can interpret the story the way they like, and many comments were still negative - also about the fact that story is opened for interpretation.

Please consider that Kubo-sensei is very concerned about YOI fandom and reads your responses, this is why she made such a comment on event. She has spoken out a lot about series for your sake, and backlash may be hurting her. I believe we should support her, because otherwise bad response may affect her writing for the second season. And I like Yuri on Ice just the way it is! And I like everything about what she says. Real life has a mystery, it is nice if fiction series has it too for you to guess.

[mondorock]

If there was a prize for this, I would certainly be in the running for a win. It seems that ever since I was a kid, I was great at leading the pack in my own direction, voicing my opinions, breaking rules, going on solo adventures, and fearlessly just being M.E.

In primary school, I remember the two groups of girls I hung out with turning against me one day, banding together and being as mean as kids could be. From that day, I decided I liked hanging out with boys more, because quite frankly, they’re just not as vicious. They’re open and honest, like to adventure more, get muddy, and most importantly – they tell you straight when you piss them off, and like magic, they get over it as fast as you can apologise.

There’s no guesswork.

There’s no bullying.

There’s no coldess, bitching behind your back, name calling, or mocking.

There’s no silence that goes on for so long that they forget WHY in fact they were pissed off with you to begin with, but remain strong in their stubborn ways to keep their back turned.

Fast-forward to high school and times didn’t exactly change. I tried again to make girl friends, and while I was used to them stabbing me in the back and could thus prepare for it; I had in fact, often just gone with the flow when it was someone else’s turn to be shunned. MORE often though, I was teased for my acne, lack of ‘labelled’ clothing, or whatever other petty things that teens used to care about before mobile phones existed.

I was also friends with boys, but of course, as teenagers evolve, most of those friendships were about deciding if I LIKE-liked them, who my ‘soul mate’ was, and playing out in my head how my first kiss would go. Turns out, I would get drunk for the first time a week after my 16th birthday, have my first cigarette and first pash all in one night. Typical.

High school certainly wasn’t my favourite time as I battled with endometriosis, being different, my often attention-seeking choice of fashion, bullying, deciding who I wanted to be, and friendships that constantly changed. Reflecting back on my diaries, I was also very pained with which boy I liked from one week to the next. I spent a lot of time out of class because of my illness, and remember finding more comfort in my own company, than that of others, with Mum kindly saying to me one night as I was blarring Portishead in my room,  ‘you always have been a loner Monique’. Nice one Mum.

Now, 20 years on, I’m still that same girl.

I still have bouts of pain from my endometriosis because I refuse to go back on the pill or get another operation.

I’m still evolving into ‘who I am’ and love to be in my own company – walking, doing yoga, creating new clothes, listening to music and dancing around the house like a crazy with my cat.

Most importantly though; I’m still voicing my opinions about life, society, what I’ve done, who I am, what I think, where I’ve been, and who I will continue to be.

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For this, I’m often not liked.

For my past exploits, for voicing opinions, for sharing my adventures, for posting photos on social media of the places I’ve visited (remember we only post the good shit, never the mundane bowls of porridge, visits to the osteo, tears or unproductive days); for speaking my truth; for questioning others loyalties; and, well, for just being M.E.

Sometimes I don’t even know WHAT I’ve done for people to not like me, but sure enough, there is always some made up reason that they don’t want to discuss with me directly, but of course, want to hold a grudge over it for months and years to come. I enjoy the guessing, and getting into my head about it of course, just like everyone else does.

The surprising one that’s stuck with me for quite some months though, is how many friends (and family) you can upset and even lose, when planning your own wedding. On a day that is all about you and your beloved coming together to commit to each other for life, you have a bunch of people that want to be there for various reasons, yet we often hear that half of your guestlist over 50 won’t be heard from over the next year. You can of course escape this by planning a small wedding right? With just a handful of guests you know will just be undeniably happy to see the two of you coming together without any questions of your love, commitment and intentions. Hmmmm. Seems I’m wrong on that one too.

It appears that even when you grow up and have a small circle of friends and family you’ve come to know and trust; that they can still get caught up in your moment, and be disappointed that they aren’t invited, and again, turn their back on you. Some even making sure the drive the dagger in deep, so they know they will be heard.

But why? On YOUR special day, do they care so much about being there when you’ve only heard from them a handful of times in the last year, and most certainly would’t be there to pick up the pieces if life turned sour?

I’ve thought about this long and hard, and can only come to the conclusions of which I’ve never understood about society and the expectations we SHOULD live up to.

On this day of such importance to you and your forever-love, the people around you don’t seem to take into account how you’re feeling, what you want, how you want to see your day go, why you don’t want a lot of people there, the money you’re putting into it, and why you can’t always invite partners. Hell, I couldn’t even invite both of my parents without worrying that world war three would break out!

People seem to lose sight of what the day of your wedding in fact represents, and only care about being involved in the party that you’re planning around it.

They don’t consider that you want them there deeply, but also want to keep it private, small and intimate because you’re both introverts.

They don’t consider that you don’t want to worry about the drama of having to ‘mind’ other peoples emotions, pent up resentment or hatred towards each other.

They don’t consider that you can’t have everyone you want because the guest list would be imbalanced.

They don’t consider that some people can’t afford flights, or accomodation to be there on your special day and you can only help out so much because they truly mean the world to you.

They don’t consider that it’s a long day of travel for a short amount of time on the ground, and this in itself can reek havoc on emotions, hormones, and energy levels.

They don’t understand that you don’t really want a wedding; but also don’t want to miss out on actually celebrating the most important, special and romantic day of your life so it will forever be remembered in your heart.

To date, my biggest life rant to date, is that of the ‘wedding’. The pressure to include everyone. To please everyone. To listen to everyone’s opinions. To constantly hear about how you’ve disappointed others by not including them on your day. To be ripped off by people wanting to sell you a dress for $5000 that you’ll wear once. To have your tropical ceremony cost a small fortune. To upset others to the point that they are no longer speaking to you, yet, can’t seem to explain why they are so hurt by not being invited to the most intimate day of your life.

For some reason, the ‘wedding day’, seems to overtake the commitment that you’re making to one another. It seems to overtake the fact that you’re not just having a wedding day celebration, but you’re starting a marriage together that you intend on being forever. It seems to stop being about the two of you coming together to start one of life’s greatest adventures, and starts to become the most stressful, emotional rollercoasters you will ever ride, and instead of being supported by others; they will do their best to make you feel bad about the careful decisions you’ve had to make. 

Never being one who strived to fit in, I admit that the wedding day I’ve planned is nothing that society expects it be.

I didn’t buy a ‘wedding dress’; I bought a white dress from a Cambodian born, Parisian designer based in Phnom Penh.

My shoes were custom made in Malaysia and don’t have diamantes on them.

We still haven’t 100% confirmed the location of our Melbourne ceremony (much to the photographer and celebrants dismay)

We don’t have a 5 tier wedding cake, but a cake that will taste like cookies and look like a bears face (ok, I changed the topping to be white at the last minute…)

I don’t have something borrowed, something blue, something old, and something new to wear on the day.

I won’t have a bouquet.

I won’t be ”given away” by my father (I was never his to give in the first place)

Our cat will most likely be at the Melbourne ceremony.

Our celebration in Thailand is an unexpected mix of Buddhist and Hindu traditions. I can’t tell you more than that because I literally don’t know.

I decided to be wild a cut a fringe last week, considering I can pin it back if I don’t like it. Most brides won’t touch their hair style within a YEAR of their wedding.

I don’t know how I’m going to have my hair on the day.

It’s going to be super cold in Melbourne in May for the ‘beach ceremony’ we have semi planned; but chances are, it would have been in february too.

I will be marrying the love of my life, and intend on that being FOREVER.

If I had to do it all again, I would 1000% just elope to escape the heartache; but as always, one thing that most certainly not lost in all of the drama leading up to our day, is the lessons we both have learned, and the fact our love and bond has only grown stronger because of it.

I might have been a loner for most of my life to date, but I’m forever grateful that I’ve found the perfect partner to spend the rest of my days being alone with.

To all the friends and family that have been forever supportive in our wishes and decisions, THANK-YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank-you for understanding that it’s not because we don’t love, care for and cherish you for all that you give. Thank-you for not pressuring us to include you. Thank-you for being happy for us, for seeing our bond for the depth that it has, and for never making us feel guilty for wanting to celebrate our special day in our own way. For this, you mean the world, and I can only hope that you all know EXACTLY who you are.

  Love & light,

M.E.

        How to lose friends If there was a prize for this, I would certainly be in the running for a win.