#part of me doesn't know who i am anymore
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oupycoded · 6 months ago
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hmmm
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thaliagrayce · 2 years ago
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y'know what we don't talk about enough? Hazel died. We talk about how she grew up in the 30's and 40's and we talk about how out of place she feels in the modern world, but! She died! She was dead! She has spent more time dead than alive, and not by a close margin!
How does that effect a person??? We got some of it in the flashbacks, but once those caught up with her present timeline and she shared them, they just kind of... disappeared. And she was a regular girl with some weird past experiences. That's one way of doing it, sure!
I think it would have been a lot cooler if she was just a touch creepier. If she felt a little bit Wrong. Yeah, in general she's more approachable than her brother, she's more sociable and less closed off, but. If you actually spend any time with her, it can be difficult to tell which child of the underworld is actually more unsettling.
Hazel is bright of personality and has a dazzling smile, but sometimes she'll just... shut down. She'll go completely blank for like half an hour and nobody knows what to do with it. Sometimes she forgets she's alive. Sometimes she'll spout the grimmest shit you've ever heard like it's nothing, she won't even notice it's weird until the room goes quiet. She spent decades in Asphodel, which is designed to make people forget about themselves and wander around for eternity, only she didn't have the luxury of forgetting! Wild! After she comes back to life, sometimes she forgets that she's allowed to Do Stuff now. She can spend so long sitting and staring at nothing. Sometimes she'll start crying on cloudless days because it hits her again that she can actually feel the warmth of the sun on her skin and she can hear birdsong. Every little mundane experience is a blessing and she will make you remember that in the most foreboding way possible.
#hazel levesque#hoo#mj talks#like. i am fascinated with characters who die and come back different and it JUST hit me that there was so much potential for hazel there#the idea of how death lingers was not explored At All in heroes of olympus#of course there's the obvious part in that there were what. 3 named character deaths total? 4 if you count leo#which i very much don't because it didn't stick! there were no consequences to this gigantic war!#the first series did well with that because we had plenty of named characters who died#even though some of them were introduced only to die like six chapters later. we still knew them on some level#and more importantly percy knew them. he felt their loss in a way that made consequences seem real#heroes of olympus didn't have any of that. hazel could have been a great way to talk about it a little more!#also i just love characters who have obviously gone through death. that has to change a person! tell me how it changed you!#anyway. i think i'll make hazel creepier from now on in my writing#she deserves it <3#nico is creepy in an obvious way. he's got power over death and that clings to him like a second skin. he can't hide it#and he's learned that he doesn't have to. there is power in being othered#hazel seems lovely when you first meet her! none of the death power all of the glitter and gold and riches#and then she'll look you dead in the eye and say 'you really don't know how lucky you are to be able to breathe until you can't anymore'#and move on like it's nothing! what!#underworld siblings
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jabeur · 1 month ago
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Right, and the racism from other players is ALWAYS excused by fans. I didn't even know about that caroline photo until you brought it up, people just pretend it never happened. And Paula's photo a couple of days ago? She "apologised" and under her post there were HUNDREDS of replies from white people saying that "all was forgiven" "she didn't do anything wrong" and her acting like the victim under those replies. AND!! I was so confused this morning about WHY the crowd in Wuhan (one the most polite crowds ever) would boo Magda Linette, and look what I found on twitter https://x.com/snack_attacck/status/1843536512765288484?t=BawWaz85WH-KbgLd_8R-xA&s=19😭 like why is this shit so normalized, they bury these things so much nobody even knows about it, but god forbid a chinese woman was focused on herself during her game
of COURSE paula was acting like the victim once other white people started showering her with support and excuses for her behavior. rancid. god how hard can it be to know that we are not the ones who should accept or not her apology anyway???? are we asian? are we the ones affected by her racist behavior? no! so we need to just shut the fuck up. (i'm saying we as in me and other white people, obviously i don't know if you're white anon)
goddddd that linette thing is nasty 😭😭 i didn't know about this. bc yeah, these things are never talked about!!! usually these racist behaviors from players are brought up on twitter by someone and then if it spreads maybe people remember for 2 days and then go back to pretending nothing happened. but it's important to hold these players accountable so these shouldn't be things only discussed/shared on twitter by a few fans who care these should be widely known bc why are we letting racists get away with it so easily??
but, as you said, if a chinese woman is gasps focused on her own game as a tennis - notorious solitary sport - player.... unacceptable. bc obviously not smiling at your opponents is much worse than, say, disrespecting an entire culture or race. /s
#this world is rotten. let's fucking talk about racism. let's shame these racist assholes to the moon and back#asks#anon#it always bothers me that not using twitter anymore i miss these things often#or like if i don't follow someone specific on ig i don't see some shit#like aaaaa why aren't these things talked abt WIDELY!!! and yes i mean even tennis journalists and pundits and whatnot#it's really sickening to me that many things not related to tennis aren't considered worthy to be discussed when they're talking about#a player. bc no. i think knowing if someone is racist or homotransphobic or an abuser IS important. if i liked this player i'd rather know#that they hold values or do things that i strongly disagree with#i don't fucking care. to me it'll never just be about the sport. sport doesn't exist in a vacuum#who a person is and what they believe in matters. and i will always stand by that#so when commentators during zverev matches don't mention his dv shit not even close to trials? that's wrong. to me that's wrong#and it's double clear that it's wrong bc i watched a qinwen match after one of navarro's comments (the one during the olympics)#and the commentators talked about it! so why is that important to talk about but when a white player insults an entire race that's not?#pray tell. you might say the qinwen thing is more related to tennis eh whatever so is insulting a culture or race that your fellow players#are a part of. bc again sport doesn't exist in a vacuum they don't just hit balls and none of it has consequences on life things#whatever. idk if i explained myself well i am getting dressed while i type fifvjdvj
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thatringboy · 5 months ago
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hey you know that aventurine animation of him holding a gun to himself to goad ratio into shooting him because toxic yaoi but what if in the future boothill's on his knees jamming the barrel of his 9 millimeter into his forehead begging kakavasha to shoot him because oswaldo schneider died too quickly for him to get proper revenge but now that his prey is dead the powers of The Hunt are leaving him and his body's gonna shut down anyways but that was the original plan when he designed the body because he was supposed to die in this giant final showdown with schneider and now he's been robbed of both a satisfying vengeance and death and aventurine eventually pulls the trigger but nothing happens because his good luck kicks in and the gun is now jammed so they just keep staring at each other in total agony as the gun keeps click click click clicking with every squeeze of aventurine's finger as he tries to bring peace to the both of them but it isn't working and now both have to keep living past their expiration dates again and another hour goes by without them being able to move on with their loved ones and the horror of being forced to live longer and longer without them with no purpose or Path settles around them.
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pmni · 4 months ago
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y'know   ...   pom's   arrival   coinciding   w   kaufmo's   abstraction   makes   me   wonder   if   her   being   a   jester   was   really   a   coincidence   ...
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zemnarihah · 28 days ago
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also he was like we should still be friends and i was like okay but i don't want to talk to you for a while and he was like okay let me know when you're ready and then after like a week i felt fine about it and was like we should have a call to talk more about being friends and stuff and what that would look like and he was like i'm soooo busy.... maybe tomorrow.... and it's been like several days and he hasn't made any effort to contact me. okayyyy
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scarletcomet · 6 months ago
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scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die
#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives#but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me#and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me#24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight#why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless#it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode#over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day#i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school#i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress#i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient#ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference#seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do#i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried)#i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine#if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it#idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed#i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal#idk what to do
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evenstarfalls · 7 months ago
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I MISS MY HOUSE I MISS MY FUCKING HOUSE
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buffyspeak · 1 year ago
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the lightwood siblings are literally like. "what if three siblings who genuinely love and would die for each other lash out with the cruelest thing they can think to say when hurt because none of them ever learned proper emotional regulation or communication skills" and that's SO real of them. tbh.
(notably they're all pretty good at/about apologizing when it's called for)
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marshmallowprotection · 2 years ago
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Kait, I'm so happy to hear that you're safe! What you've done is incredibly brave, you should be proud of yourself!
I can also imagine that it's incredibly exhausting. Please take all the time you need to rest and recover, and don't apologize for being inactive. You always give us so much support, now it's our turn to support you <33
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I'm doing okay, thanks for checking on me, Faye! It still hasn't hit me quite yet that I made a decision that was bold and decisive. It's one of those things where you have to look before you leap if you want anything to get better. I did a lot of things I didn't think I was capable of and in that regard, I can say that I'm proud of myself for being able to feel like a person with my own autonomy. It's going to take a little bit for me to feel like myself again. But I'm sure most people understand that. When you've been put down your entire life, it can make the moment when you step out into the sun without looking behind your shoulder to see if something's chasing you feel overwhelming. The good news is that I'm going to be okay.
In the same vein that I know Saeran and Saeyoung will be okay.
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letsoulswander · 9 months ago
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Heart Of Hearts by @bendingsignpost
I See You Through by @belovedmuerto
what do you mean I can't crawl in between the slats of your ribs and sleep soundly to the beat of your heart? do you even love me?
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myheartxmyman · 5 months ago
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While I am losing time with writing of you, of us, you are adding once again new people. Feels like the never ending story. Meanwhile my mind is directly split between two possibilities. First 'oh wow seems like he was working late and met some new people/someone new' and the second is 'oh, we haven't seen each other in quite some time so now he's feeling the urge of getting what he wants from somewhere else. One way is going to work at a place where he could meet someone at that time of night, second is hes alone in his bed getting himself of to the women with high potential, girls he came to notice and somehow never seems to forget. Females who are living 'next door', but also the cheapest influencer bitches, oh and sometimes the best of both.. A combination of a wanna be hn influencer with more naked skin shown than fetish clothing on.
#my thoughts of you are sometimes kinda 'polluted'#sadly I wasn't the person who started this pollution#yes it's my brain they are my thoughts I should control them#but the same shit again and again and again until I got asked what is going on and if I know about that#the worst part is actually the amount of times it happened again#my trust got damaged by the first mere 'act' but saying you're gonna stop and doing it anyway broke it#and my heart aswell#I don't trust you anymore when it comes to other females#not at all#when hope and love are gone I guess this is moving on#02:02#I do love you#but you are not you anymore#I am desperatly searching for the man I love in a often familiar strangers face#I don't recognize you at times#and the way you behaved and treated me doesn't help at all#all this pain that was NOT the man I love#these wounds are deep so deep#want to let this pain go#don't know how#but it's so unbelievable hard for me being talking and seeing you when these wounds are a hundred percent active#I don't want to be resentful as fuck towards you#because right now we have to get it together or I don't think we will ever get back what we fulicly (?) damaged to the core#we both need to feel respected heard seen safe secure understood or at least ACCEPTED AND VALIDATED#calm peaceful soft#with a tone of voice that's low and compassionate not judging not angry not blaming#without feeling a hundred percent safe to open up I won't do it#as sad as it is but those last months showed me too often what is to much for me#what drains and damages me enormously
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klara-rosa · 7 months ago
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On wednesday I had my first therapy session in 3 weeks and it was such an emotional one that I really struggled to hold back tears (and I know it's normal to cry in therapy but in all my years of going I have only cried twice in therapy and one of those times was my LAST session with my previous therapist when I felt like the world's gonna end because AGAIN I lost someone important to me)
Anyway so I tried to be as honest and open as possible and it was so nice to just have someone acknowledge that you feel like shit, like my therapist said she thought about everything going on recently and she saw that I'm really struggling and that my level of mental/emotional pain is high
We talked about all kinds of things and she also said that she would like me to see a psychologist to have a diagnostic evaluation to see what's really going on diagnose wise because she thinks I might have PTSD and when I told her that I already did such an evaluation once fore BPD she became all ears and told me she thinks I might have BPD and she gave me a book to read up on it
So all of a sudden I might have 2 more mental illnesses 👍 but I'm actually pretty chill about it...like, okay. Just please help me get answers. Tell me what to do to become better. PLEASEEEE
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terrortwinz · 9 months ago
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#the worst part of this diagnosis is this weird thing floating around in my head#that maybe I am incapable of personal growth#Or that the personal growth I do experience means nothing because the person who did the other things might still live in my head#After all- I'm sure every therapist I've ever had would agree that stopping the trauma thing was Growth.#Look! I wasn't cutting myself open to save other people anymore!#and yet the old man who lives on the mountain still lives in my head#looking back I know it makes logical sense that me at 30 is softer than me as a teen#I was living in a high trauma situation with the threat of violence all around me#and even when things weren't openly violent- it was bubbling.#I think rereading that fic even though it wasn't *about* that- not that part- just sort of reminded me of that#that I spent most of my teen years feeling like I was always one snap decision away from becoming a monster#Or maybe not becoming- maybe I always had been- maybe I always would be#I've been trying to make sense of this diagnosis- I've been trying to think of how to explain it to other people.#Especially since my experience doesn't match the One In The Media#and it's like... I was too traumatized from the ages of 0-6 to ever form a Real Person.#Now all I am is a series of Masks we understand Masks now#we understand how masking works- most people understand that they behave differently at school than home than work#But for most of you- there's a main You under the mask and for me... it didn't get to be made#I'm sure I tried#I'm sure there might be something under there so small and tiny and fragile#I was a child- I was a child- I was a child... children aren't supposed to go through that#and my little brain couldn't handle it#so it didn't. It focused on survival and survival meant Masking#I want to say- I'm not so different than you- the people who mask for other reasons#My Masks they just... yours cover half your face and mine come with a costume.#There seem to be largely two kinds of Masks. The one who my brain needed to form to be functional#Those are the masks that most of you know- the versions of me that most of you know#even if you clock the minute differences between them- their purpose was always largely the same. To Fit Into To Society#To do the Things I needed to do at the time- be it Scouts or Admin work of Childcare.#and then there are Masks that their entire purpose was to take the hit- to survive the pain- to hold the memories of all the pain.
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hon3y-y · 6 months ago
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Roomie!sukuna doesn't even get horny for anyone other than you anymore. You have the wettest, nastiest pussy he's ever seen- and he deserves the best so nobody but you will do. You're fucking so many other fine men now that you dont even give him a second glance when he walks out the shower in just a towel to tease you. And oh, his temper when one of your hookups pick you up and you don't come home for the weekend. Or even worse, they stay for the weekend. Sukuna has never let a girl sleep over at the apartment but now there are two colognes in the bathroom, two pairs or men's shoes at the door, and he can almost never see you in the living room without some other man hanging off your side
read the other parts here! : part 1 part 2 part 4
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he’s literally so embarrassingggg it’s not even funny. he’ll walk around and flex his muscles, smirk on his puffy lips as the water drips down his ripped torso. he stands outside your open door, you’re looking down at your phone deciding on whether to spend the night at choso’s or nanami’s (pick choso, nanami gets up at like 5 am 🙄), “showers empty..” sukuna basically purr’s, resting his arm on the doorway.
and you literally could not give less of a fuck💀
you just nod, mumbling a ‘thanks’ as you focus on putting both their names in a generator and letting that choose your fate for the night. let’s just say sukuna was extremely angry when a motorcycle pulls up and you just giggle and hop onto it, kissing the stupid leather clad boy while throwing on the custom bikers helmet choso had made for you. and to top it off, sukuna had to physically restrain himself from blowing up your phone on where the fuck you are??
messages;
ryo<3: didn’t see you this morning
you: i’m staying with choso for the weekend! sorry, should’ve told you last night:/
you: i also won’t be home after wednesday satoru is taking me to this festival! i’ll send pics😋
ryo<3: have fun 👍
omfg he’s losing it. he literally will spend the whole time in the gym, refusing to be in the empty apartment for longer than eight hours for sleep. he feels like there’s a cement brick in his chest when you’re whisked away by these men. but nothing is worse than when he stays over.
he being satoru.
it was becoming a huge issue. his longest “sleepover” was a week. a week where you weren’t even home for half of it. but sukuna was. he was there for all of it.
there was now a third toothbrush taking up countertop space in the bathroom, he would find satoru’s clothes in the wash (which would always somehow be in there whenever ryo specifically had to use it??), and gojo absolutely loved to make out with you everywhere but inside of your room and sukuna started to hated it. publicly claiming you in front of the guy who literally made it possible🙄 unbelievable.
let’s just say you take a break from bringing satoru over, doing your best to settle the tension at home. but sukuna couldn’t let it go, not when he stares at the stupid fucking blue electric toothbrush and knows that it’s only temporary.
at this point he didn’t even give a fuck about the other guys, you can keep them as long as he’s added onto your roster.
it’s been a while since the two of you had a movie night. something that used to, at the very least, happen once a month has been delayed due to your extra activities. the two of you relaxed into the couch, the movie was a random one you found choosing whatever looked the best by cover and for the first time in a while, sukuna felt like he had you.
“did you buy the candy?”
“shit, yeah. i think i left it in my room?”
“go get it while i make the popcorn!” you smiled up at him, your eyes sparkling excitedly. you looked so cute and soft, and ryo got a glimpse of your cute pink panties when you bent over to grab something so he was feeling just as good. he could already picture the little damp spot he’d create after teasing you and then force you to beg and make it up to him.
he thought about it the whole walk to his room, picking up the bag and then back to the living room, fantasizing about what he plans to do. and just as he’s about to turn the corner, a head of white fluffy hair is laying on your lap, legs spread to take up the full length of the couch. and the only seat available? the one farthest from you.
“i hope you don’t mind, satoru said he missed us!”
us… sukuna looked down at gojo, looking at the content quirk in his lip while he snuggled into you more, moving one of your hands into his hair to play with it. ryo’s eye twitched before he put the bag down and went back into his room, the door slamming behind him. the noise makes you force satoru up, a pit forming in your stomach. you didn’t want sukuna to feel uncomfortable in his own house—
“damn, what’s he so mad abo- he got macha kitkats!? mmm~”
*bonus*
sukuna is literally in his room about to dry heave because??? what alternative version of himself gave him such bad karma?!? in his room like this;
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but quietly, because he DEFINITELY doesn’t want you to see him like this. such a fein🤦‍♀️
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a/n: i didn’t put smut because i didn’t want to get repetitive BUT should we finally let sukuna get a taste?? part 4 where he finally gets her?? lmk🫶
*not edited*
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