#my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient

[scarletcomet]

scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die

[ozzy-bozzy]

“I know, baby. I know..”

Dabi x reader

desc. You have a rough time late at night

genre. Its has a sort of fluffy end but this is pure venting content.

warnings. cursing, self deprecation, insomnia, the inability to be comfortable in bed

word count. 1,456 words

A/N I had a rough night, and actually a rough reality recently. This is literally a vent fic, something I wrote to make myself feel better. This actually is almost a play by play for how my night went, from the switching positions to the comfort blanket. All except the comforting love of Dabi and a happy ending, that is. Dabi is a major comfort character, so that’s why it’s about him. Sorry if this is rlly depressing or concerning. I just needed an outlet to vent and I really wanted Dabi comfort. !! also sorry it get’s a little specific at times! I lost myself writing this !!

It was a little after midnight, Dabi laid next to you on his back, an arm wrapped around you with your head rested against his chest. His breathing was slow and steady, he had fallen asleep already. You hadn’t managed to fall asleep yet. You were too busy, too occupied with your own thoughts to even feel tired anymore. You stared into the nothingness of your dark room, nuzzling closer to his warm body. Everywhere but where you laid right now felt too cold to shift to before, but now that you were too painfully aware of the heat you started feeling uncomfortable. And the position just made you feel empty, or too used. 

You started realizing a lot of things in your life had become routine, and it made you feel sick. It made your head hurt, and it made you feel shitty because of how you let your everyday events blur together in a mess of nothing. You never did anything during the day, you were never productive. You slept in until almost noon, you went to bed in the early hours of the mornings, you eat way too much every day, you dream of projects and big successes yet can’t even manage to take care of yourself and do normal, daily hygiene tasks. 

You slowly began to pick yourself up off of Dabi, the blanket around you feeling cold. You untangled your legs from his, your hand dragging across his torso as you parted from him. He shifted slightly in his sleep due to the loss of contact but settled back down. You rolled over onto your other side. You curled up on yourself and had grabbed a small throw blanket from the floor. You didn’t need more heat, the coolness of the bed at night actually felt refreshing, but it was a comfort item and you felt the need for comfort right now. You tucked your hands in against your chest, your legs wrapped up in the heavy upper blanket. Your head nuzzled in against the plush pillow and you quietly sighed. 

Looking back on your previous thoughts you immediately scolded yourself. How could you be so harsh? Everyone is having a bad time right now. You remember that a lot of people are losing their sense of time, not being able to keep track of the days, and yet you still tell yourself how stupid you have to be to not be able to manage something as trivial as that. You have a sort of tug of war in your head, the new positioning somehow filling that emptiness you felt before, but you knew that wouldn’t last. It never does. It always creeps back into the comfort of your bed, the one place you feel safe and loved; comfortable. And yet you lay here, every night, letting it tear you to shreds. You never know why.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a strong arm wrapping around your middle, a messy head of hair coming to rest in the crook of your neck. He was warm against your back, and the heat from before felt comforting. It felt constant and still, unlike the thoughts running rampant through your head. 

“...why are you still awake, baby?” he mumbled into your skin. You just hummed and shifted a bit in response, burying the side of your face further into the pillow.  

“Are you okay..?” He asked after the beats of silence that followed his first question. The movement of your shoulders could have hardly been called a shrug, and you looked at him slightly. He shifted from your movements and picked his head up, looking at you properly.

“Baby what’s wrong?” His voice was rough and deep, the arm around your middle rubbing comfortingly on your skin. He slowly guided you to lay on your back. He was propped up next to you. 

“I... I don’t know. I wish I did but I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I have so many issues and I wish I was so fucking normal, I wish I was okay, I wish I was fucking fine but I’m not, and I can’t even get a good night’s rest, how fucked is that??” You bit your lip and sighed in defeat, rubbing your face with your hands. You felt your body tremble a bit and you mentally slapped yourself. You were not going to cry tonight, and not from something so stupid. 

“I feel useless. I feel fucking helpless. I can’t do anything right and when I finally let myself go and give myself a moment to splurge and indulge in my comforts it feels like they’re ripped away and I’m told how shitty I’m acting and how I can’t take care of myself. How everything I do for myself is ‘unhealthy’ or ‘messy and pointless’. And on top of it, all everyone else seems perfectly fine. I feel like I can’t even talk to anyone, hell I feel like I can’t even talk to my fucking therapist. She thinks I’m thriving and happy because I can never tell her how wrong I am because I’m so used to putting on a mask that when I go to talk to her I feel fine—“ Your ramble was interrupted by his hand squeezing your side. You’re happy he stopped you. You would have stopped you too. You wouldn’t let yourself keep going if you had the chance. You-

“Hey. Hey! Knock that off, baby I know you’re struggling but you have to stop getting so tangled up in your own words. I know you’re just spewing at the mouth right now, and that’s okay. But I want you to stop thinking about it or you’ll tear yourself apart. C’mere..” his hand slipped to the small of your back, pulling you against his warm body. Moments ago you found it uncomfortable and weird, but now it made you feel at home and loved. You felt safe being in his arms, pressed against him. You curled up to his chest, finding your surroundings feeling so cold now in comparison. 

“You know I’m always here for you. You know I’m here to make you feel better. We both have our struggles and never, never, will you be alone in them. I may not always know how you feel but I will never leave you to deal with those feelings alone” He kept his voice barely above a whisper, his head pressed against the side of yours. He was holding you as close as he could. You couldn’t tell if your body was trembling because of the cold or the feelings behind his words. You didn’t think it mattered.

“I’ve felt useless before, you know. I’ve thought ‘hey, what if the world was just better without me. What if I could actually do something right. Would someone be there to recognize it? Or would it just get lost in my head, left to get tangled up and ripped apart by my own twisted mind?” You curled up tighter against him, “But then you come in, and you shine brighter than the sun ever could. You show me everything is going to be okay, and I stop worrying, and baby—“ he stopped, pulling away slightly to press a passionate kiss to your lips, parting and resting his forehead to yours, “I want to be there for you. I want you to get wrapped up in my arms and all your toxic thoughts and whatever ails you is chased away” You swallowed roughly before tucking your head under his chin. 

You didn’t need to hear any more. Your tired brain swallowing up his words and mellowing out. You buried your head into the warm skin of his neck, focusing on the feeling. Effectively chasing away the cold, both in temperature and thoughts, you will yourself to eventually fall asleep in his arms, tangled up once again. He stayed awake this time, not slipping into a slumber until he knew you were okay. He was laid back on his back, you wrapped up even tighter in his arms. Instead of laying next to him with your head on his chest, you now laid on top of him with your nose buried in his neck. You couldn’t roll away from him now, and he would make sure you would be safe.

 You were always there for him during his breakdowns and times of need. You always made sure he was okay, and if he wasn’t you always found a solution. Sometimes temporary until a more permanent one could be found, but a solution nonetheless. He was determined to do the same for you.

You had not had such a good night of rest in awhile.

[statticscribbles]

DOA Pt 2

Summary: DOA Pt 2, Sweet Pea is struggling guilt and depression over the death of his girlfriend

Fangs sighs glaring and Sweet Pea doesn’t move from where he’d almost drowned himself in blankets on his couch.

“When I said get some sleep I didn’t mean just hide on the couch.”

“Sweet Pea, come on get up.” Toni nudges him and Fangs can tell he’s trying to wipe his face off.

“You’ve already missed her memorial service.”

“You won’t even go into a car anymore and you’re trying to avoid your bike, seriously Sweet’s Y/N wouldn’t want you to be like this.”

He offers no response, no movement even and Toni and Fangs hover for a moment before nodding to each other.

“We’ll be at Pop’s, we’re bringing you back something, you have to eat.”

Sweet Pea hasn’t moved when they get back, placing the Pop’s bag on the table. They don’t say anything just watching to see if he’s still breathing, he is and Fangs and Toni both leave without another word.

He knows they’re right, that he’s not afraid of the car because of what happened to you, but that there will be the absence of you that is what will crush him. He's not sure if he told anyone about it they would understand or if they would just give him that sad look that everyone keeps giving him when they recognise who he is and why he’s almost hovering around the background like a ghost you’ll never be.

Sweet Pea’s not sure how to describe it, he almost uses the word emptiness, but decides that it’s not simply that he’s missing something, it’s the feeling that everyone else seems to have gotten some instruction, some sort of hint of what’s going on and he’s been overlooked when it came to getting the same explanation.

He doesn’t hit send on the text he was typing up, just staring at the screen and erasing it and then just burying his head under his blankets.

“Hey Y/N, sorry for this I know this will probably be disconnected soon and I don’t mind I guess I feel like I can’t talk to anyone else, I’m sure you’d tell me to get a therapist or even a diary or something.” Sweet Pea tries to at least not sound like he's been crying as he hangs up from calling your voicemail.

He ventures out from his trailer surprised to find the tightness in his chest is lighter. He doesn’t go far, sitting on the front steps just trying to avoid anyone else in the trailer spotting him.

He feels childish as he adds a checkmark next to your handwriting stating ‘go outside everyday’

He’d found the to do list a week after your funeral, it had been tucked between the pages of one of your favourite books, one of the things you’d made sure to leave for him, well he likes to think that, he’s pretty sure your parents just didn’t want to see anything of yours ever again, so when Sweet Pea had offered to sort through it, to donate or give to your friends whatever he saw fit, they jumped at it.

He glances at the pile of boxes he’s still not sorted through and pulls one over. His chest hurts as he opens it, it still smells like your room, like your car, like you. Sweet Pea swallows, debating just pushing the entire box back and sealing it up.

Deciding that he’s going to have to do it eventually, Toni had been making comments about all your stuff being able to help out the younger Serpents, that it’s what you would have wanted your things to be doing, instead of sitting in boxes.

He pulls it open, trying to calm the hammering in his chest at the fear he’ll find something like your to do list or some note you’d left for him. He shifts the shirts that your parents had folded up, staring him in the face are the jackets you’d taken from him over the course of you two dating. He chuckles a little remembering you laughing, tugging the jacket back over your shoulders swearing that he’d only get them back once you were dead.

“Guess you were right Y/N.” He sighs pulling the jacket over his shoulders as he starts to sort through the rest of the box.

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[theicywinter]

One Shot

Character: Bucky Barnes

Summary: Bucky is recovering with the help of his always-happy neighbor.

_____________________________________

Something good

Bucky grunted exhausted, the TV was on and the disturbing voices from his nightmare kept banging inside his head. He looked up his ceiling, he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep again, that was for sure, and even if it was not right to think it he repeat it to himself, "i deserve it" he deserved being deprived from sleep, he deserved being taunted by the people he have killed all this years.

He looked at his phone watch , 6:16 am, he decided to get up and go running, exercising helped him a lot, it was useful to drain all his super soldier energy, at least partially.

After an hour running his stomach made a noise indicating he needed to stop and get food, he looked at his phone. Just in time. He returned to his apartment, hopefully she would be up now.

A knock on his door was his signal. He opened the door an a small woman greeted him with the most charming smile he had seen.

"Eva" he said copying her smile.

"Bucky! Breakfast is done, come quickly before it gets cold" she grabbed his hand and dragged him from his apartment to her own, wich was beside his. The warm feeling spreading inside his body from her touch.

The aroma of bacon invaded his nostrils making him almost drool. After he have spent so many years eating the synthetic food from Hydra, simple things for most of people like bacon, pancakes, hamburgers were delicacies to him.

"It smell delicious Eva, I'm starving" he sat on his usual spot. His breakfast looked so good, but being honest, to him everything she prepared was marvelous.

A small blush covered her cheeks and she gave him a shy nod.

"Thank you, I hope it taste as good too" she commented back while sitting on the other chair.

"I know it will taste good, as always" he replied.

She smiled watching him eat his food, she ate from her plate.

"How did you sleep?" Eva asked sipping from her cup. Her eyes examining his face, reading him.

He shrugged.

"It could be worse" He said, and he knew it was true.

"I see, well you can blame me for that, I shouldn't have cancelled our game night" Eva said, some nights they stayed with each other and played some board games or games she had downloaded on her laptop.

"I missed beating you up on Mario Kart" She joked, it was really entertaining watching Bucky trying not to push the buttons hard with his metallic fingers.

He looked at her joyful face, her eyes sparked with light, the only light he had in his life. But he couldn't miss the dark circles formed under her eyes.

"What did he want?" His question hit her with force, her mouth twitched in discomfort.

"He gave me an extra shift, Sara had a domestic emergency. I was the only one available" she explained, her boss found a way to make her stay at work almost every night, she was getting sick of it but it was her job and it payed the rent.

"you're overworking yourself, he can't keep making you stay extra time every day" he shook his head in disapproval.

"I know, but it's okay" she told him calmly "at least it's Friday, I can rest this weekend."

He nodded not convinced.

"Sam called me again." He informed abruptly. He knew he had to answer his calls sooner than later, but he couldn't.

"He's worried about you" she commented quite concerned.

"He doesn't have to be"

"You have to tell him that then" Eva watched the frown in his face, sure it was easy for her to say it but she knew that for him it implied much more. She didn't knew the reason though.

"Wanna watch the news with me?" She asked hopefully. Eva loved being with Bucky, he was a great companion.

"Sure" Bucky said walking to her sofa. He thanked her for the food and turned on the TV.

She sat beside him and his arm flew around her shoulders, Eva rested her head on his chest with her hand on his abdomen. Bucky thought how he became used to this type of affection, when they watched TV or stayed at night talking they always ended up snuggling. He couldn't complain, Bucky loved holding her in his arms, touching her.

"I like you Bucky" she confessed. This wasn't the first time she had said it to him.

He smiled.

"I like you too, doll" she giggled and hugged him harder, he returned the hug.

Bucky looked the hour on her wall clock. He had to leave soon.

"I gotta go, Eva" He said, the disappointment clear in his voice.

"I know, it's okay" she replied with a smile "We can spend the weekend together if you want"

His eyes shined hearing the promise.

"I would love that"

They said each other goodbye and Bucky went to his appointment, the therapist wouldn't like him being late. When he arrived he entered the room and took a sit. The woman entered just after him.

"Hello, James" she greeted him while she sat across him.

"Hi, doc." he said.

"Let's get started, how are you doing?" She asked watching him.

"I'm fine" he replied and it was true, he was feeling good, the nightmare left his mind as soon as Eva appeared on his apartment.

"I can see that, have you had any nightmare?" She inquired back.

He stayed silent. Then nodded.

"Want to tell me what it was about?" She asked again.

"I would prefer not to" he spoke hoping she wouldn't pressure him.

She looked quizzically at him, studying his movements.

"It helps some people talking about what it's disturbing them, Bucky" She informed. "To share the burden with someone"

"I know" He replied, he remembered telling Eva his dreams, she listened to him but her eyes where the most important, they never reflected hatred or disgust for the things he did in his dreams or should he said memories?

"Have you spoken to Sam?" He shook his head in negation.

"Bucky, you need to star meeting new people or contacting your old friends" she suggested. A pang of hurt stick on him remembering Steve.

"I have met knew people" he said instantly, the words spilling from his mouth. His therapist looked quite surprised but she disguised it well.

"Yeah? Tell me their names" she inquired.

"Eva" he mentioned. The doctor looked at his eyes trying to find if it was a lie.

"Where did you met her?"

"She's my neighbor, she is nice to me" he informed his eyes looking directly at her.

The women smiled content with the answer.

"Great, how much time do you spend with her?" This was a critical question, to know if they were becoming friends or were just being polite to each other.

He doubted answering. They spent a lot of time together.

"We have breakfast together, everyday" he answered omitting their others activities.

"Well that sounds good Bucky, it's a progress" she informed. The thought of him spending time with another person relieved her, he was trying.

He smiled, it was indeed a good progress. Eva was a positive addition to his life, she made his day brighter and his heart warmer. He could visualize her in his life.

"What are you thinking James?" The doctor asked him, knowing exactly what was happening.

He snapped back and his face blushed, he cleared his throat.

"Nothing, I think my hour has ended" he told her. She looked at her clock. It was true.

"I think we are done for this day, James. I'm happy you have know someone new, it's good for you to make a friends" she explained while he walked to the door. He nodded."You deserve good, Mr. Barnes".

"Goodbye, doc." he walked out.

It was good for him. Maybe he deserved something good after all he has done. Maybe.

[soprano193]

Not a Couple

Chapter 6

Nina:

It didn't matter how many counselors told her it wasn't healthy, on the anniversary of Marcus' death, Nina could always be found working. It was a part of her ritual she was not ready to let go. Like eating a piece of carrot cake on his birthday or pampering herself on their anniversary, when he died, she worked. A lot. Each year she clocked in several hours of overtime, and then slept most of the next day, much to the chagrin of her therapists. She was well aware that it didn't make sense. Working overtime would do nothing to bring him back. She was past that point in her healing journey. Instead, she did it out of an irrational necessity to protect others from the same fate. This year was no different.

At around the time of their murder, a house a few doors down caught footage of a teenage boy running. The problem was, there are too few cameras to track his movements. Dr. Isles said DNA says the killer was likely female, but this boy may be a witness, and may provide a much needed crack in a case that had halted. Hundreds of hours of security camera footage in a ten mile radius had been loaded onto her computer. With a latte on her desk (and an iced one in the fridge), she got started tracking their teenage witness.

Monotony can do one of two things to Detective Holiday. The first option is the most obvious, the time dragging along so that several hours feels like days. But on some rare occasions, when she is driven to find something, or driven to ignore her feelings, time becomes an illusion. After narrowing the time frame she was searching for on each camera, she started with the ones closest to the crime scene first. After speeding through her two hour window on about six cameras, she found him. He stopped clear as day in the parking lot of a motel, looking behind him as he caught his breath. He stayed in the frame for about two minutes before moving on. At this point, he is in an area with more cameras, and is easier to track. She follows him along for eleven more cameras until he reaches a bus stop. She watched as a bus drove up, the boy smiling and waving before reaching out with a closed fist. Whether or not the driver returned his bump, she couldn't tell, but from afar the gesture seemed familiar. Jotting down the bus number and time stamp, she reached for her phone and dialed the number she needed before thinking about it.

"This better be important." Jane's raspy voice sounded groggy, and Nina could hear the bed creak as she moved.

Given her energy, Nina was momentarily confused. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"It's 3...26 in the morning. Yes, you did."

Nina grimaced. "Oh shit. Sorry. I lost track of time. I can fill you in tomorrow."

In the background, Nina heard stirring, and a female voice asking, "Who is it?"

Jane must have pulled the phone away from her phone away from her face, because her reply was quiet. "Don't worry Maura, it's just Nina." Then louder, "You woke me up. Might as well fill me in now."

Her eyes widened with realization, and she had to try and hide the shock in her voice. "So, I followed the witness on camera to a bus stop. He seemed to know the driver, maybe he takes that bus every day. I can text you the details so you can stop by the MBTA."

"Great. I'll stop by on my way in tomorrow."

"Sorry again for waking you."

"No, I'm sorry for being so harsh. Lucky for you, I fall back asleep easy. Which, by the way, why are you even awake? You do know that sleep is good for you, right?" Before Nina could answer, she heard mumbling in the background. "Maura wants you to know that a lot of studies say that all-nighters are bad for you. Well Maura, you can tell her yourself in the morning! I can't remember all those words with my tired brain!"

Nina chuckled. "Its a long story. I'll be fine." She opened a file with paperwork, minimizing videos. "Go back to bed, I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow." When they hung up, Nina took a moment to sit with what she stumbled on. Jane and Maura were sharing a bed. It made sense. They were very close. She had seen Jane go to great lengths a few months ago to bring Maura home safe. She has watched them comfort one another, and drop everything to rush to the other's side. But she hadn't seen this coming. And why was she the last to find out? She ruminated on this new information for a few minutes, before focusing on her backlogged paperwork. But her mind would wander every now and then as she tried to look for clues.

"What are you still doing here?" Frankie's voice startled her, making her turn to look behind her.

"I never seem to be caught up on my paperwork. You?"

"I came to start on the videos, maybe track down our witness." She ignored the small flutter in her chest as he brushed past her to get to his seat. Today of all days, she didn't need to be dealing with the confusion that feeling brought.

Pressing a few buttons, Nina pulled up the still of him at the bus stop, waving at the driver. "Beat you to it." Frankie approached the screen and watched the video as it played. "And I called Jane about two hours ago to give her the lead."

"You really have been here all night. Is everything okay?" He sat back, a look of concern on his face.

"If it's okay, I'd rather not talk about it." She looked back at her screen, switching back to paperwork. Frankie, to his credit, backed off immediately, not pushing the subject. "Although I do need to ask you a question."

"Shoot."

She grinned, remembering the conversation from hours before. "How long have Jane and Maura been a thing?"

This piqued his interest, and he leaned forward in his chair, his expression serious. "What do you mean? What do you know? Do you know how long it's been a thing? Because I'm next in the pool."

"There's a pool?"

Frankie backed away, his face contorting in fake confusion. "What pool? Who said anything about a pool?" This made Nina laugh, shaking her head and turning her chair to face him. Once he was done with his unconvincing act, he continued, his eyes wide. "You never did tell me what you know."

"When I called Jane, they were sharing a bed." Although she found this very interesting, Frankie dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "What do you mean? That's not good enough?"

"Jane has more sleepovers with Maura than she ever had as a teenage girl. It's an everyday occurrence."

Nina's eyes widened as she took in this info. "So they are always spending the night together, but aren't an item. Why?"

"Have you met my sister? She's stubborn."

Laughing, Nina responded. "Accurate."

"And we don't think Maura's realized it yet. But when she does, she won't be able to keep that secret for long."

Nina nodded. "Understood. I promise, if I hear anything, I'll let you know."

Pointing at her with his eyebrows raised, Frankie responded, "You better." Giggling, Nina stretched, finally feeling what the all-nighter had done to her back. She tried, unsuccessfully, to stifle a yawn. Looking back at the screen, the lines were blurred. Frankie, taking notice, spoke softly. "Do you need a ride home?"

His voice barely registered, she only really heard him after turning to face him and giving the words a second to sink in. "I can Uber. I planned for this."

He couldn't hide his look of concern, but again, he didn't push it. "Okay. If you need anything, you've got my number. Go home and get some sleep."

It was almost six, the sun was just rising. She made it through her night. Reluctantly, she closed her paperwork, admitting defeat as she yawned once more. "I'll be back later today. I'm gonna freshen up a bit, take a little nap."

"Well, you may have cracked the case, so I'd say you deserve it. Text me when you get home, alright?"

She only nodded as she gathered her things, waving once as she left. Her Uber driver was not a talker, which she was thankful for. As she collapsed into bed she sent Frankie a quick home message. As she assumed the right side of the bed, she imagined Marcus on the other side, the slope of his form, the way he covered everything but the tip of his bald head with the covers. It made her ache. For a minute, she thought maybe she would skip that emotion for the day. And for just a split second, she was jealous. Because Jane and Maura had someone in bed with them who loved them. They just didn't know it yet.

[jawnjendes]

i’m good at keeping my distance | shawn mendes

chapter 3/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: its a filler. its also an insight to shawn’s thoughts on this situation. let me know if you want something specific to happen in this fic and ill consider it. let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist coming soon

About 4 months ago.

Shawn made a point to wake up before Ann every morning since her surgery. When she was still in the hospital, he wanted to make sure that he was the first thing she saw when she woke up, that she knew he wasn’t going to leave her side. As much as she tried to hide it, Ann was a little more than disgruntled about the whole situation. Shawn had to be there for her and really step it up.

Now, post-hospital and post-surgery, Shawn found himself waking up earlier than he had to. Some of that reasoning had to do with some rather annoying nightmares that haunted his sleep every night, but he wanted to be awake now anyway. Seven thirty seemed like a good time to start the day. Shawn would go to the gym on days like these, but he wouldn’t dare leave Ann by herself with fresh cuts on her body. She couldn’t even sit up on her own.

During the time Shawn had by himself, he really didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t attempt to prepare a nice breakfast because Ann’s current diet was very strict and limited. It really pained him to see her so upset about eating the same rice, soup, or pasta everyday. It sucked to see her lack in other nutrients. She was supposed to be getting better, but she was just dropping weight like flies. Anyway, her mother prepared enough white rice to last them a lifetime during her visit the other week, so it’s not like they were going hungry here.

He couldn’t play guitar or sing either during this alone time. He couldn’t disturb Ann’s much needed rest. Not to mention, the makeshift recording studio in the spare room was full to the brim with her boxes. Shawn wanted to unpack them for her. In fact, he stood in front of that doorway every morning, looking at all of the cardboard boxes and trying not to look through all of them. He glumly remembered Ann reminding him that this arrangement was only temporary. Only 3 months of living together, and then she would move back to campus. Apparently, that was the only option.

He really didn’t understand her sometimes, but he loved her anyway.

The sound of Ann’s phone alarm went off at ten thirty every day, and each day, Shawn went back into the room to see her. He usually stood by the doorway and waited for the loud Little Mix song to cut off before going in, but it was on five seconds longer than normal. Ann was always quick to shut off her alarm, no matter how deeply she was sleeping.

Five measly little seconds was enough to make Shawn practically burst through the door, his heart and mind going from zero to a hundred. He saw Ann lying on the bed, just like she had fallen asleep last night. His eyes quickly scanned her body, looking for any sign of… well, whatever he saw in his dreams last night. But there was no blood, no hint of pain on Ann’s thin face. Definitely no screaming. She lied on her back, arms at her side, her head turned and staring out the window.

Her phone was still blaring the alarm song, so Shawn went over and grabbed it off the nightstand. He dismissed the sound and peered down at his girlfriend. She made no noise or movement. She didn’t acknowledge Shawn or the sudden silence in the room.

“Morning,” he greeted, reaching for her hand.

Upon feeling their skin touch, Ann moved her hand to her belly. She remained staring out the window.

Confused, Shawn walked around to the other side of the bed to look at her face. Ann simply turned her head to the opposite side of the room. What the hell?

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Shawn gently asked, crawling onto the empty space on the bed. He moved strands of hair behind her ear, only for her to tense her shoulder.

A certain strain pulled at his heartstrings as it finally dawned on him. Ann usually played video games when she was feeling this way, but she couldn’t get up and do that. On top of that, she was physically stoic from her surgery, and she couldn’t stay like that. She spent enough time lying in bed the last two weeks, and she would hardly participate in doing the minor muscle exercises as instructed by the nurse.

“Let’s go for a walk, eh?” Shawn suggested, hopping off the mattress and moving to Ann’s side of the bed. “Come on, we need to get you up and moving.”

He gave Ann a few seconds to reach for her hands herself, but she remained still. With a heavy sigh, Shawn bent down to wrap his arms around her waist, not liking this anymore than she did. A couple of days ago, Ann complained that she felt like a helpless child when she had to get out of bed or stand up from the couch. Of course, Shawn hated every moment his Ann wasn’t happy, but there was no choice here. He barely got one arm under her waist, but then he felt a pressure on his stomach. “Oh…”

Ann didn’t hit him, she only placed her fist between herself and the guy who only wanted to help her. Shawn easily could have moved her arm away and forcibly sat her up, but the message was clear. Ann did not want to be bothered today.

“You need to get up,” Shawn tried again in a weak voice, still hovering over her. He moved her hair from her neck and cupped her face. “Please…”

Her empty brown eyes flickered with something at the touch. It was almost like she was actually awake now. Maybe she remembered how comforting it was to be held like this. She finally met Shawn’s gaze, slowly bringing her hand up to close around his wrist.

Shawn let out a small sigh of relief, only to be disappointed again. Ann pushed his hand away and resumed staring out the window. The shattering of his heart could almost be heard in the tense room. He was at a loss here.

“Fine,” he said coldly, turning on his heel. “It’s your health, not mine.”

Present day.

“So did you end up getting her out of bed?” asked Callie as she wrote on her clipboard.

“Yes,” Shawn replied, staring down at the tiny coffee table between him and the shrink. “I called my mom, because I didn’t know what else to do. Ann listened to her with no hesitation.”

“It’s hard isn’t it?” Callie said. “It’s very hard trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It just feels like they’re against you.”

Shawn nodded. He liked this woman, he liked therapy. He looked into her wise, green eyes and knew he could spill everything out no matter how messy it was. “I thought I would be able to do more for her after she was out of the hospital, but it just felt like I was never doing enough. I mean, she came around, and not everyday was like that one. It just really hurt when she got moody and quiet.”

Callie pushed a strand of blonde hair out of her face as she jotted down more notes. “Of course it hurts, she’s your girlfriend. It’s never easy seeing the one you love be in so much pain. And it’s just as hard for you, because you witnessed her going into shock.”

There wasn’t anything like the fear that struck Shawn’s chest on that day. He didn’t even have the words to describe the sight of his Annalise slipping out of reality. It was a real life nightmare, and it was a nightmare that still haunted his sleep. At least in the real world, she was still alive.

He tells the shrink just as much.

“Yes, she is alive and well now,” Callie told him. “That being said, as traumatic as it was for you see her go through all of this, it’s important to remember that it’s just as traumatic for her as well. I’m not diagnosing her with anything - I haven’t seen her in ages - but her silence and moodiness could allude to things she may still be processing.”

That wasn’t hard to figure out. Shawn knew Ann was dark and twisty sometimes, but she had been doing well with letting go of certain things prior to her hospital stay. After that, it was like something had changed in her. Something changed in Shawn too, but it was more obvious since he was yelling in his sleep. He brought that up to Callie.

“Maybe two or three times a week, I sleep normally. I still have alarms set for when the terrors come, and I usually wake up before anything can happen. But for the most part, I still have bad dreams.”

“Well, it’s an improvement. You made a lot of progress in the last three months. Very fast progress, if you ask me. You’re doing well, Shawn.” Callie smiled, emphasizing the laugh lines on the corners of her eyes.

It was true because Shawn wasn’t as anxious to fall asleep anymore. If he was, he popped a melatonin to take the edge off. He knew how to combat his nightmares, both in sleep and through talk therapy. Really, the only thing bothering him now was the separation thing.

He really didn’t understand Ann’s thought process sometimes.

There wasn’t any time to get into it this session, though. Shawn thanked Callie like he did every week and left her office. There was always a heavy weight pressing on his chest when he finished therapy, but that’s what came with practically stealing your girlfriend’s therapist. It’s also  what came with processing the not-so-pleasant feelings. Besides, it was helping Shawn crank out a new song.

The unwritten chords of this song were stuck in his head as he drove back to his place. It was kind of annoying that Shawn couldn’t pull this song up on his phone and blast it through the speakers. He would be able to soon enough, though.

Shawn got back to his place with the intention of picking up his guitar and playing to his heart’s content, but upon entering his room, he got a little distracted. His eyes trailed down to a piece of black lace on the floor. The pile was too large to be underwear, but it still made Shawn blush. He stepped over and picked up the material, unfolding it. Ann would surely miss her long lace cardigan, she’d have to come back for it.

She hadn’t spoken to him since the check in, and that was quite the low blow. Just remembering how it all went down burned out the yearning and caused him to drop the cardigan and kick it under the bed. Ann really had the nerve to preach about not leaving after sex, and look what she had done. She was so goddamn afraid that Shawn was just using her for the entirety of their relationship, and even explicitly accused him of doing so a few times. Then, she turned around and left him in the dust. She did the one thing she was afraid of happening to herself. Worst of all, she did it to someone who actually gives a fuck about her.

Shawn certainly understood why she never wanted him to go. It fucking sucks waking up alone after you thought everything was okay. It fucking sucks being played like that.

He took a deep breath and went to pick up the cardigan again. He could still smell Ann on the fabric, and it made him miss her. Lying down on the bed, he put the lace over his face and stayed like that for a moment. Then, he sat up again and pulled his phone out of his pocket, typing out an impulsive text and already knowing how it was going to go.

“Can I see you again?”

God, it felt like he was texting a former one night stand. This was his fucking girlfriend, how did it get so messy and complicated? Shawn scrolled backwards in their conversation, shaking his head at all the most recent texts he sent that she ignored. He went further back, pausing at a conversation from July 15.

Shawn couldn’t remember what brain fart caused him to send, “Would u still love me if i gave myself those super thin and angry goth eyebrows??”

“No.” Ann was always short with her texts.

“Would you still love me if a became a goth too?”

“No.”

Shawn sent her a sad face.

“Lol ily you idiot. you’re cute sometimes.”

“Im cute all the time!! I’m babey remember?”

“I never should have called you babey. look at you. you’re too powerful now.”

He scrolled a little further to July 28. Shawn sent a picture of purple pansies he had been arranging for work. “These also come in black, did you know? 😊”

Ann replied with one word: “Cute.” The next text was sent an hour later. “I’m off early n getting food. What you wanna eat bb”

Shawn simply sent back, “😏”

The next set of texts were on August 8. Ann had sent a selfie that still made Shawn’s heart race. It was a selfie, and she had made her low cut blouse the center of attention. “Missing you birthday boy🖤"

He had sent back a mirror selfie in just his briefs. Shawn would have cringed at the self from just over a month ago, but it’s what got Ann to leave work early. He almost smiled, remembering just how lucky he got that day. In the same moment, Shawn recalled how unlucky they both were the very next day, and the heavy feeling in his chest came back.

He always tried to be his best for Ann, because she deserved nothing but the absolute best. But he’s lied to her before, he’s hurt her, he took her therapist away from her, and then he wasn’t there for her. He was surprised that Ann only wanted a break instead of a breakup. There was still a part of him deep down that was terrified she was going to call it quits altogether. It could be any day now, and as much as Shawn tried to prepare himself for that, he really didn’t know what he would do if it got to that point. He’s only just realized he was past the “I love you” and delving into the “I’m so in love you” part of things. Maybe Ann didn’t feel the same way...

Suddenly, his phone dinged, and an arrow pointed down, indicating a new message. His heart pounding, Shawn rapidly scrolled back down and breathed out, a tiny smile creeping up the corners of his mouth.

“Check in is every 2 weeks babe😘”

Honestly, he was just glad he wasn’t left on read again. He was even more glad that the check in had a whole other meaning now too.

~

Annalise had never been so conflicted in her life. In the past, she only ever felt shame over constantly having meaningless sex with people she knew were not good for her. But Shawn was good. He was kind and radiant and also her fucking boyfriend. Somehow, Annalise managed to keep her own boyfriend strung along during their separation.

It wasn’t one of their rules, but hooking up wasn’t supposed to happen. This was a separation. Not a break up, not a break. Separation. Technically, they weren’t supposed to text as much as they were, but Shawn had refused to participate if he couldn’t contact her at all, so they made it a rule: Don’t be a stranger. She allowed him to text her, but she did not allow herself to give a proper reply.

Another rule was No dates. That was for obvious reasons. The same goes for No seeing other people.

The Check in every 2 weeks rule was… disastrous. But also so, so good. If she wasn’t so busy, Annalise would have been at Shawn’s place more often.

Thankfully, she could keep herself busy with work, even though her hours were cut due to the semester starting. School was more demanding, given that she had to repeat Biology class and get more of her credits through electives like Abnormal Psych and Adolescent Psych. She didn’t see Shawn at the science building anymore, maybe he had a schedule change - but she did see his newest tiny friend. This tiny friend joined a club, and Annalise found out when she entered one of the rooms in the communications building on a Wednesday evening.

Her stomach dropped down to her butt as she saw Alessia sitting between Jared and Patrick, already deep in a conversation with them, the other Frats listening to whatever she had to say. She probably got the idea to join the club after she talked with Patrick that one time, and Annalise didn’t really know how to feel about that. Didn’t this girl have every single class with Shawn? What if he just waltzed in and made himself part of the club too?

Bratty as it seems, this was Annalise’s thing. Gaming was her time away from the world, despite playing with other people most of the time.

Annalise kept herself composed as she joined the group, taking the seat next to Patrick like always, nodding her head as a greeting. She noticed Alessia look at her, but nothing was said. Annalise was the last one to join, so the meeting began.

“Okay, welcome everyone,” Josh greeted, fixing the collar on his white polo shirt. “As you can see, we have a new member. Alex, right?”

“Alessia,” she corrected.

Josh hummed. “My apologies. So what games do you play?”

“Uh… I just started Sonic Forces,” she replied, offering a smile.

Paul chuckled. “Anything else? Fortnite? Zelda? Apex?”

Here we go. The Nice Guys were doing it again. Annalise rolled her eyes. And they wondered why more girls wouldn’t join the club.

“Well, I’m still new to the video game world,” Alessia said, “I haven’t really played much of anything. I have played a Zelda game, though.”

“Fair enough,” Josh said, though he seemed a bit patronizing. “Was it Breath of the Wild? That’s what everyone plays, while there’s so many other Zelda games out there.”

“Uh… yeah. I started that on the PC.”

Josh and Paul shared a look, like they were both amused by something. The rest of the guys were silent.

“So how far did you get in the game? Got the Paraglider?” Paul asked her.

“Did you get off the plateau?” Josh added. “Do you even know the Legend of Zelda timeline and where that game lies?”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Annalise had enough of this.

“Leave her alone,” she snapped, leaning forward in her seat to properly look at the two boys. “Don’t act like you weren’t novices at one point! You’re not superior for not liking the mainstream games everyone else does. All you guys play is Fortnite, which uh, everyone plays! Oh, and both Sonic Forces and Breath of the Wild were fucking awesome games! Stop trying to make her feel bad for being in the club!”

It was silent. The Frats had nothing to say on the topic. Patrick merely slouched in his seat, but he lightly nodded at everyone Annalise had said. Alessia gave her a weak smile and a nod of gratitude. No, Annalise wasn’t exactly a fan of hers, but she lived to defend other women in situations like these.

Josh, now flushed with red, changed the subject to the Bart adventure that was yet to come. He also brought up the Fortnite idea again, to which most of the group denied. At this point, it was done out of spite.

Annalise was the first one out the door as soon as the meeting ended. She had her phone in hand, clearing three new messages she had received from Shawn as she walked down the steps, through the lobby, and out onto the walkway. She didn’t see someone follow her, so she jumped when a hand landed on her upper arm.

“Oh, shit!” she cursed, thrashing her arm away from the touch. She turned around to find the culprit, clutching her book bag to her body.

It was only Alessia, who had a frantic, apologetic look on her face. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”

Annalise took in a slow breath, composing herself. “You’re good, it’s all good. Um, what’s up?”

“Can I walk with you?” she asked, playing with the straps on her backpack.

“Sure.”

The two girls strolled down the walkway in the dark. Annalise was weary for reasons not having to do with being alone and vulnerable outside after dark. Would it be weird to casually bust out her pocket knife and hide it in her sleeve?

“So, thanks for what you said back there,” Alessia began. “I didn’t know there was a pop quiz for new club members.”

“Josh and Paul are assholes sometimes,” Annalise replied meekly. “They did the same thing to me when I joined, and nobody stood up for me.”

“Well, I appreciate it. Especially because I know you don’t like me.”

Annalise scrunched her brow. She shouldn’t have been surprised at that statement because it wasn’t the first time she had heard something like that. Her naturally neutral face and dark appearance seemed to ward off others, and she wasn’t one for constantly smiling unless she was working. She was by no means a ray of sunshine upon first impressions, or even after that. Besides, she had only spoken to this girl once in her life.

But she’s spoken to Shawn, and who knows what he said about his not-girlfriend.

“What makes you think I don’t like you?” she asked, slowing her steps.

Alessia hesitated. “Uh… ‘cause I’m always around your mans?”

“Is that a question, or are you telling me?”

“Uh, no, I just thought-”

“He has a lot of friends, of course he does. Have you met him? He’s kind and wonderful, of course people like him! Anyway, none of his friends are exactly threatening, you included. I just don’t know you, my dear.”

Alessia nodded, her face flushing. “Oh, right. ‘Cause I’m new and all.” She chuckled nervously. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you getting the wrong idea. Shawn and I are singing and writing together, I wasn’t sure if that was a problem for you.”

What kind of girl does she think Annalise is? What kind of jealous, insecure girlfriend did Shawn make her out to be? Why would Alessia bring up Shawn if not to dangle him in his not-girlfriend’s face? Why would she plant such a seed in her head like that?

Annalise finally stopped in her tracks and turned to the much shorter girl. She practically towered over her thanks to her platform sneakers. Alessia’s eyes were wide, visibly nervous.

“Listen, I typically don’t have any reason to believe my boyfriend would try anything he’s not supposed to. I trust him, or whatever. You, on the other hand… It’s like I said, I don’t know you. All I ask is that you do not give me any reason to be suspicious.”

Alessia gulped and nodded. “That’s, that’s what I was trying-”

Annalise held up a finger to stop her. “No, no. People who are doing suspicious things are the ones who say they’re not doing any suspicious things.”

“I, I was telling you the truth! I would never-”

“Well, I don’t know you! So you could be telling the truth, but you could also be lying to throw me off. Anyway, if I find out something suspicious is going on…” Annalise paused. Why? She was being just a little dramatic. “I’m killing Shawn because he’s the one in a relationship.”

The two pairs of eyes remained in a staredown until Alessia took a step back and looked at her feet. The corner of Annalise’s mouth twitched, feeling triumph for a fleeting moment. The silence was just long enough to make her realize just how fucking crazy she went.

“Don’t look so scared,” she said, keeping up the intimidating facade. “You won’t be the one dying. Besides, I’m joking anyway. I don’t think there’s anything suspicious happening. You seem like an okay person.”

Annalise just knew that this girl was going to run and tell Shawn about this little conversation. Maybe that would show him that she was still into this… as if Annalise didn’t fuck him a few days ago.

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @shawmndes @calyumthomas @havethetimeeofyourlifee @yourdeflightfullyleft @wronglanemendes

[dreamsofpilots]

A Boy and a Flower

Josh Dun x Reader fic.

I had the idea for this with the intention of turning it into something happy…and now this…oops. 

Might make it a series, don’t know how many parts yet. Enjoy. 

Warnings: Panic attacks, anxiety, little bit of depression. 

There are happy bits, I promise. I’m not sure about it so let me know what you think! 

My pulse thrummed in my ears. 

Ba bum

Ba bum

I couldn’t seem to catch my breath, my lungs straining with the effort. The world tilted and I had to catch myself against the wall.

Ba bum

I bent over, placing my hands on my knees while trying to take deep breaths. 

“I have to get out of here.” Lifting my head I glanced around. The throng of people rushing around me was suffocating. Everything was just a little too bright and just a little too loud. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, I was supposed to have control of this. I hadn’t had an episode in months, and yet here I was, fire in my lungs and cold sweat on my skin. 

I sprinted from the academic building, dodging strange glances and backpack wearing bodies. 

Ba bum

Clamping my jaw down tight, unwilling to let the nausea take over, I stumbled through campus, blind as to what my direction was. A few passerby’s asked after my well-being, clearly reading the distress on my face, but I shrank away from them, the human contact making my panic worse. 

When I finally found a quiet place with a lack of people, I found that I was in the botanical gardens. The blooms were full and dewy, reaching for the midmorning sun. I planted myself next to a bed of pink flowers, not sure what kind they were, and forced myself to breath. In and out, in and out. I reminded myself of the advice my therapist had given me, trying to turn my negative thoughts into positive ones, all the while taking deep breaths. 

I wasn’t sure what had caused this one. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, or the stress of midterm exams coming up. I hadn’t been eating properly lately, maybe that was it. Maybe I was dehydrated. I wasn’t really sure, but then again, I never really was in this situation. Sometimes they just happened, coming over me like a sudden storm. 

My pulse began to slow as I sat there with my face cupped in my hands. Breathing became easier, the nausea subsided. When I felt as if the worst of it was over, I allowed myself to take in my surroundings. I had rushed into the gardens without taking anything in. The place was vibrant with color and the perfumed air was sweet and inviting. How had I managed to go through half the school year without meandering through?  It was full and lush and absolutely stunning. The kind of garden that would bring about whimsical daydreams. 

Cobblestoned paths traversed lazily through the oasis. Small tufts of grass poking up between the stones waved hello. I wandered along, taking in the scenery, glad that I could finally breathe deeply. I allowed myself to run my hand along the blooms as I walked, the dew from their morning watering wetting my fingers. 

When I stopped to sniff a rose, I became aware of the sound of rhythmic beating. Confused, I followed my ears to the sound, going deeper into the maze of flowers by doing so. 

Turning a corner by a patch of sunflowers, I saw a guy sitting on a wooden box, slapping his palms and tapping his fingers against the sides, creating a deep and rhythmic beat. I wasn’t entirely surprised to see him, with his piercings and tattoos, this school was full of artists and creative types, but I did find it a little strange that he was playing his box-drum-thing in the middle of a garden. 

He didn’t notice me at first, not glancing up until I was standing in front of him. He was lost in his music, bouncing his legs and head along with it. Watching him was mesmerizing. He gave off such a happy energy while he drummed that it made me want to move too. So, while he continued playing, I began to dance. 

I had come to this school as a dance major, finding that I was able to forget about everything else when I focused on my fluid movements. Dancing was an escape, a vacation from the everyday. Like going south for the winter. I was no longer the timid anxious girl chilled to the bone with fear. Instead, I was warm beaches and lazy waves. I was a gentle breeze or a bubbling brook. Dancing brought out my true self, the person that I was when I wasn’t so insecure. 

The colorful boy continued to drum, keeping me in time while he watched me. He didn’t seem to mind me joining him, and I was grateful for a reason to dance. 

It felt good to move my limbs, shrugging off the tightness that had occurred during my attack. I twirled and leapt and glided in front of him, the yellow from the sunflowers filling my vision, the beat of his drum resounding in my ears. A light feeling in my chest made me feel like I could take flight. A fairy in a garden of sunshine.  

When my muscles began to burn, and sweat slicked my skin, and my heart was filled with joy, the boy brought the song to an end. 

I posed, completing my dance, panting, but smiling a mile wide. When I turned to look at him, a huge grin was spread across his face, mirroring mine. “That was amazing,” was all he said. 

“Thank you.” I took a few more gulps of air. “I really needed that. I’m glad I heard you drumming.” 

He stood from his box, lifting his backwards facing cap for a moment to run a hand through his hair. My eyes widened at the sight of the brightly colored strands, but I didn’t comment on it. The color suited him somehow. He was as unique as the flowers that surrounded us.  

“Yeah I normally try and find places away from people so that my playing doesn’t disturb their class or their studying. Plus I really like flowers, so I tend to come here.” He waved a hand, acknowledging their surroundings. 

 I liked that he wasn’t afraid to admit that he enjoyed flowers, secure in his masculinity. Why shouldn’t boys like flowers? “This is my first time here actually. I just needed to get away and I somehow ended up here.” 

“Oh, are you alright?” his voice full of concern. 

I turned to him in surprise, “What?”

“Are you okay? You said you needed to get away, and when I feel like that…” he trailed off. 

“Oh..” I shuffled nervously, “Yeah, I’m alright. I managed.”

He gave me a tight lipped smile and a sympathetic look. He knew what I was talking about.

I held my hand out towards him, wanting to change the subject, “I’m Y/N.”

“Josh,” he said, grasping my hand. His hand was warm and large, the hint of callouses scratched against my skin. They must have formed from practicing his art. 

“Nice to meet you, Josh. I like your box-drum. It sounded really nice.” 

He chortled, rubbing a hand against the back of his neck, displaying the colorful tattoos along his arm. “Hey thanks. It’s a cajon. Easier than carrying a kit around.” He punctuated that with another small laugh.  

“I can imagine,” I giggled. Josh looked at me then, his hooded brown eyes alight with something I couldn’t quite place. Excitement maybe? The rush from playing still running through him? I smiled back at him with my own version of excitement. 

“Hey, you’re a really great dancer.” Josh told me with a blush. 

“Oh, thank you,” I could feel my own cheeks beginning to burn. “I’m sorry for barging in on your little pow wow for one, there.”

Josh shook his head, “Oh, no don’t worry. I mean, that’s what music is for right? For people to feel something?”  

I nodded in agreement. I liked Josh, he seemed easygoing and relatable. Not to mention, he was easy on the eyes. 

“Well, I better get to class.” I stated abruptly, feeling suddenly nervous. “I’ve probably missed some of it already…” I didn’t feel like bringing up my incident, knowing that was the reason that I was late. He seemed to be aware of it anyway.

“Oh, yeah, sure.” he nodded. “Thanks for the dance session. I’ll see you around?”

“Sure,” I agreed, giving him a little wave goodbye.

I headed to the academic buildings after finding my way out of the garden, feeling more comfortable that I had when I entered. 

The next couple of days were uneventful. I slipped into my easy routine of classes, eating, and sleeping. I kept to myself mostly, finding it hard to open up to my peers. There were times when I saw Josh while walking around campus. He was always with a group of guys, either skateboarding or playing music together. Sometimes I saw him with just one other guy who had short brown hair and black band tattoos on his arm. They seemed to spend the most time together. It must be nice, having a best friend. 

Whenever I saw Josh, I would wave, and he would always wave and give me a huge smile back. His buddies would laugh and jostle him around when they saw the interaction. I didn’t really know why.

I passed my dancing midterms, the teacher telling me that I was one of her top students. When I called my mom about it, she showered me with support to the point that I was drunk on happiness. But after I hung up, the feeling faded and I began to instead feel gloomy, not having anyone else to share my accomplishment with. I wondered that, if I told Josh about it, he would get as excited as I had been. 

My gloom seemed to settle in more and more as the days dragged by. Dancing didn’t even seem to hold the same amount of appeal. I wondered what was wrong with me, but my therapist just suggested that I try and make some friends. Get out more. Try. The thought terrified me. How do you just walk up to people and create a friendship? Is that how people do it? “Hey I’m so and so, let’s be friends?” “Oh sweet, come sit new buddy.”

I don’t think so. 

So instead, I let myself slip further and further into this isolation until it all bubbled up again in another attack. 

I had been fine. I was just walking to dance class, like I do every day. But then I started to notice all the happy faces, all the friends that laughed and walked together, and I started getting hot, my stomach twisting into knots. I tried to just breathe, to calm down, but I couldn’t. So I ran. 

Ba bum

Unlike last time though, I had a destination in mind.