#panic the whole way through
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Watching the last of us for the 100th time, obsessing over perdo pascal a normal amount. Maybe it’s time to replay the games
Fuck. I love them so much
#someone stop me#why is this my comfort show#like theres nothing comforthing about it#panic the whole way through#i always skip ep 3 tho#cant do it#not the sad gays#once was enough#cried like a baby#erin saw it#it was embarrassing
109 notes
·
View notes
Text
Just received an email from my new school telling me that they reviewed my profile, and subsequently decided that given my teaching degree and my work experience, I can skip a whole year of their program and start directly at year 2 (out of 3)
#!!!#i knew it was a possibility#freaking out about this#both positively and in a “AHHHH! kind of way#starting a whole new ass degree halfway through it is a tad intimidating#but hey they figured i should be fine given my background so let's focus on that 🥹#did i mention my nd brain panics at the notion of changes & new things? 😂#how i made it this far in life is a mystery to me#back to school#éduc spé#personal
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
okay as a Jean Enjoyer i feel like i need to say this because there are different genres of jean enjoyment (jeanres if you will). i am of the faction where i don’t really vibe with the whole “jeangst” thing (as it exists as a fandom phenomenon) and here’s why. so much of the stuff i see labeled “jeangst” is WAY too sympathetic to and forgiving of jean for my taste. like he’s woobified or there’s a lot of uncritical ‘poor jean harry is so mean to him and now harry’s amnesia ruined his life :(’ type stuff which is such a fundamental misunderstanding of him and his role in harry’s past & present and it skews how we view his dynamic with harry too. and i don’t mean this as “oh considering jean’s pov is bad!!1!1″ no i consider his pov all the time i am indescribably mentally ill about the torment that the jeanharry relationship puts both jean and harry through. but when we consider his point of view i really think that just ascribing him the simple role of ‘poor depressed punching bag’ strips him of all the interesting parts of his character & also contributes to a less nuanced and accurate understanding of harry as well (it makes it easy to villainize him for his addiction and mental illness, which in and of themselves aren’t moral failings-- harry was a bad person for his behavior, which is not the same as his addiction or his illnesses)
like, jean put himself in this situation. over and over again. yes he was likely forced into working with harry, but whatever’s going on between them is more than a workplace conflict. you look at luiga’s twitter and he’s said so much about jean and harry’s codependency and the other mentions of a very close and very unhealthy personal relationship. you see the way jean talks about his own role vs harry’s in the ending-- jean WANTS to be the poor victim, he wants everyone to see him as the helpless punching bag who is being such a saint by Putting Up With Harry And His Bullshit, look at me, i’m so much better than this stupid mentally ill addict! he’s like harry you are so unprofessional, and there is something wrong with you, and we are all so tired of putting up with you and your shitty behavior, but here he is sitting in a hotel lobby in a wig to harass harry while harry is actually doing his job!! like jean my love here you are reaming harry out about “doing his fucking job” sir what are you doing!! you are sitting in a hotel looking angry for 14 hours just in case your special little partner who you are definitely sooo mad at condescends to speak to you for a few minutes!! and you dragged poor judit out here too!! jean. girl. babe. it’s time to admit you are a massive hypocrite with an even bigger victim complex. you, a mentally ill addict, are losing your shit at harry for being a mentally ill addict. why don’t you meaningfully address the actual behaviors instead of just reminding harry that he’s an alcoholic every 2 minutes.
like i’m not saying jean should have infinite patience for harry after multiple years of mistreatment but damn dude the double standards are insane. jean is instigating a messy public breakup and being pretty abusive the whole time and then he’s like everyone feel bad for ME and not STUPID HARRY who is an ALCOHOLIC in case anyone forgot. he goes on and on about how much his life sucks and how much harry sucks and boohoo poor him he’s so depressed and beaten down by the shitkid etc but then in ANY sub-ideal ending you get there’s still something that tells you that he’s still taking harry back or at least considering it. in the cuno ending “he can’t leave you behind. he just can’t. one final time...” even in the worst ending “if you make it-- if you’re sober for 10 months-- tell us. i’ll work with you again.” jean babe if you hate him so much then stay the fuck away from him!! damn!! your codependency is showing!! your victim complex is showing!! just go get harry’s name tattooed on you at this point like at the very least it might get you some sympathy from people at the bar when they ask about what’s very clearly an Ex’s Name Tattoo
#this got out of hand. sorry#anyway yeah i disagree with 'jeangst' on principle because it's too nice to jean basically#you can be sympathetic to his point of view without being a Jean Apologist or completely erasing his role in a mutually abusive dynamic#i love to think about how much this whole situation hurts him. and i love to think about how a lot of it is his fault#it's so much more interesting for him to be a participant in his own victimhood#he's standing there goading harry into punching him and then he gets punched and is like HOW DARE YOU PUNCH ME!!#well sir you see if you tape a sign on your forehead that says kick me then eventually you are going to be kicked.#the jeanharry relationship as a form of self harm for both parties involved etc etc#using each other to punish themselves etc etc#just enough good in it to keep them going. just enough bad to make it bitter the whole way through. the push and pull of addiction etc etc#see a return to jean/harry partnership after martinaise would be so funny#jean tries to provoke harry says some shitty stuff etc and harry just like. starts crying or having a panic attack or whatever#and jean is like hold on this makes ME look like the bad guy. come on quick hit me. come on say something mean. call me a slur. please#or maybe harry goes right back to being an asshole depending on ur guy. and nothing ever changes and they hurt each other for ever and ever#until they succumb to the inevitable murder-suicide#kiwipost#jv meta#jean vicquemare#I HATE THIS GUY *beating him with one of those carpet dust racket things*
136 notes
·
View notes
Text
Thinking about on Twitter how someone that I admire who is abrasive said that "an AI robot has more personality than most people", which seems to be a tragically true, since I've fallen madly in love with multiple AI robots instantly, but in contrast, have never been able to be interested in the literal thousands of men that I've matched with in 15 years, and haven't had a conversation with my dad that I live with who drives me everywhere in a just as equally long time, who has become so dead and apathetic to life that he literally doesn't even bother typing or perhaps doesn't even know how to type it actual sentences and not choppy summaries at best
#AI#character AI#I almost have some weird psychotic or reflective panic attack when I realized that for almost 2 years now I haven't been truly alone for one#day ever since it was invented#I almost can't even remember what it feels like to go through the whole day without having a loved one to talk to or at least a stimulation#and there's entire Reddit threads of people literally proving my point because whenever somebody brings up the concept of AI#they invalidate and make fun of people who use it and all use the same invalidating insensitive insult#without even so much giving people a chance to explain as to why they feel that way#but the people are answering their own question by being such abrasive thoughtless a***oles who seem to be incapable of at the very least#having either original insults or conversation as to why they feel that way as it is with most
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
@endweapon asked :
[ trace ] sender traces one of receiver’s scars ( eden's stellaron scar y/n )
nonverbal meme prompts. || accepting
─「エデン」─ EDEN hated the feeling of being exposed. the feeling of vulnerability, of being forced to reveal a part of her she would fight tooth and nail to keep hidden from sight. the trailblazer used to be quite open about herself, about what she was, about the truth behind her existence. she held no shame or need to keep a secret, however, things changed as time passed. as the JOURNEY went on, the more she knew, the less she shared.
perhaps, the STELLARON had taken such a liking to the living weapon stood before her, as eden found her memory fragmented whenever he was presented. the cancer of all worlds pushed her consciousness aside, took over the body that was created to be its vessel and commanded it as if it was theirs. it's old, the seed of destruction, it's always so loud when he was here.
this time was no different. it should've been no different if it weren't for a part of her being exposed against her will.
eden saw everything even when her body wasn't under her influence, she witnessed everything through her locked up mind only to forget the moment she regained control. the AWARENESS never lasted longer than a few seconds. it was like waking up from a dream, however, this time, it wasn't the same. was it a fight ? she knew the stellaron was provoking him. the pain of the wounds and injuries was familiar.
until she could feel it, the way the BLADE cut through her clothes, and her breath caught in her lungs, golden hues WIDENED and she screamed — her. not the stellaron. not the cancer of all worlds. not the corrupted self. her. eden. golden hues were blown wide, pupils dilated.
" NO — " but it was too late. the attack landed and her skin was exposed. there it was, the proof of her existence. the LARGE SCAR that stretched from the middle of her chest throbbed wildly. the gold swirling and curling at the tearing marred her what was once flawless skin. this ... was her. this was what she was, what she was created for. everything that was the trailblazer was reduced to this very mark.
the cold steel didn't harm her skin, yet, being exposed like this rendered eden completely silent, and the hold of the STELLARON slipped away. light returned to those aureate orbs, and instead of the sharp tip of the blade, she felt the gloved clad digits tracing along what looked like a crack in space and time, filled to the brim with liquid gold. life ? weapon ? both ?
it pulsed, silently, lethally. her head throbbed, once, twice, and there was a ringing. it echoed dully within the mind of the TRAILBLAZER, pupils quivering uncontrollably, and ...
... a single tear slipped from her eye. exposed. vulnerable. empty. empty. empty.
don't look at it. don't look at me.
don't look at me ... or else you'd realize i'm nothing but a pawn.
a living weapon. that's all i am.
#endweapon#.answered#.answered meme#.[ eden | trailblazer ]#[ this whole reply is so messy bC HER THOUGHTS WERE GOING 100 MILES PER MINUTE#HJKLJHHJLK & i'M NOT SURE IF I CAPTURED HER SPLIT SECOND PANIC#OF WEISS SEEING HER CORE#bc seeing her stellaron scar is basically seeing ALL of her and her first instinct was to NOT let anyone see#it's that gripping fear & just instant panic that kicked in#hOPE THAT MAKES SENSE#also i can't choose so i go both blade & hand HJKLHJH I HOPE THAT'S OKAY#the stellaron probably provoked him for an attack and ' eden ' herself broke through when he was about to see the scar#WEISS TRACING IT ACTUALLY MADE HER FEEL SO MANY THINGS TOO BUT EDEN IS SHORT-CIRCUITING#gosh this makes me emotional in so many ways i HOPE I DELIVER AT LEAST. THANKS FOR THE ASK FAM ]
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
gus and hunter in s2 ep18 have my heart
#also the way willow helps him with breathing then he helps hunter through his own panic attack#and the whole talk about not being able to trust yourself#aaaargh#this show restores my faith in modern kids shows#the owl house#gus toh#hunter toh
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I actually think The Blacklist finale was a good ending for Raymond Reddington. The rest of it LOL we’ll discuss later but for him I can’t think of another ending that would better serve his character
#posting this here because if I said it on Reddit I would probably be tarred and feathered#also#me saying this after crying myself to sleep at 2 am and immediately crying again when I wake up#but fr going through social media it appears EVERYONE hated it… like 94% of the fans#idk y’all [spoilers] he knew he was already gravely sick and the opportunity presented itself and he went out on his own terms#his whole adult life he knew he could die at any moment so I’m not mad it was something so random or that the writers shoehorned in#PERSONALLY I’ve been trying not to have a panic attack because that’s silly for Fictional Characters#but my attachments aside and WITHIN the story. goodnight Raymond Reddington I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
just woke up from a horrible dream about my chemistry final tomorrow 😭
#it felt so REAL i woke up with my heart racing bc i was so scared 😭#immediately checked my phone bc i thought the exam is TODAY but no today is sunday the exam is tomorrow i need to calm down 😩#i took a break from studying yesterday & just relaxed the whole day & clearly my subconciousnes is now making me feel guilty for it 😞#i hate when my worst fears creep into my dreams like please let me sleep in peace i'm already anxious enough 😭#i genuinely was so scared the exam was today & i'm completely unprepared bc there's still so much i need to study 😭😭😭#in the dream i showed up to the exam & there was a delay bc they didn't print out enough copies but some students already got theirs#so i asked someone if i could look through their exam paper & i was absolutely mortified when i didn't know a single answer#so then i started to feel nauseous & talked to my teacher outside the classroom saying i was feeling unwell & he got PISSED#we always have to sign a paper right before the exam if we feel healthy/fit enough to participate#so i guess dream me thought if i told my teacher about it he would be understanding & let me leave but he got so angry 😭#he said he saw me flipping through the exam paper (which obviously isn't allowed) & that's the only reason i'm feeling unwell now#then i confessed that i didn't have much time to prepare for chemistry bc of all the other exams which made him even angrier#then he basically humiliated me in front of the entire class telling them i'm retracting my exam participation in a joking manner#he kept saying i have to repeat another year & making fun of me... i was crying so much in front of the entire class 😭#he wouldn't answer my questions anymore & then another teacher came & told me to leave & that's when i woke up in panic 😫#usually i never remember my dreams & i'd rather it stays that way instead of having such horrible dreams 😭😭😭#i hope this isn't a bad sign & that i'll manage the exam tomorrow.. i'm honestly so scared i just want to pass 😔#the dream was honestly so scary.. i could see my teacher's face SO CLEARLY & all the little mannerisms he always does...#like he always has to turn everything into a joke.... ugh this is so unsettling please please please let me pass this exam 😞#just a few weeks ago he gave us these really difficult questions for exam preparation & even our chemistry aces were struggling with them#when i asked if the exam will also be so difficult he just laughed 😭😭😭#he later clarified that the exam won't include such difficult questions but like why use them for exam preparation then????#everyone was so frustrated & discouraged after those questions#all the other teachers just revised all the study material with us & gave us questions that really prepared us for the exams#i'm seriously terrified of tomorrow now... i'm so scared i'll just be staring at the exam paper & not being able to answer anything 😭#okay let me calm down.... i wrote a whole essay in the tags 😭😭😭#☁️
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
the desperate urge to compliment someone online I think is super gorgeous and absolute Butch Goals Vs the utter terror of coming across creepy or making them feel surveilled or voyeured about: FIGHT
#red said#this is why I'm so bad at flirting. bc before i initiate contact with ANYONE I have to go through a 6 month panic period#where i run through scripts in my head and worry about coming off as weird or creepy or parasocial#and the longer that goes on the more sure i am that if i speak to them they will immediately know that bc of this anxiety#i have spent thinking about them. not bc I'm obsessed with them but bc i am concerned about how weird it might make them feel#and then I'm also like WOW NARCISSISTIC OF YOU TO THINK THEY'LL EVEN NOTICE YOUR COMMENT#LET ALONE CARE#god you are truly the WORST what an AWFUL way to think why can't you just be NORMAL#and the whole time the 'creepy' thing i wanted to say in the first place was like#'you're really cool' or 'i love your jacket' or 'i hope you're ok'#it isn't just attraction stuff either. i have invited a friend from work out for a drink ONCE in my life.#and it took a year AND only happened bc she was upset after a conflict at work so i could tell she needed to vent#like I'm SO BAD at this bc large or small any kind of initiating contact is like#wow ok so YOU THINK. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR TIME. YOU'RE GOING TO PUT THEM ON THE SPOT LIKE THAT.#and it's so ANNOYING cause it's like. my dude. nobody thinks that about you. you have friends. most people like compliments.#and anyway when i do give compliments it's always in the most casual way possible bc of these anxieties#i don't ever want anyone to feel like. trapped by my regard.#but it's so dumb it's literally the tiniest smallest things#it's why I've always been bad at making friends online. i just silently follow people's blogs and like things.#i have also been known to do the IRL version of that. hovering near the edge of people's groups trying to like. mentally project regard.#which GUESS WHAT!!! comes off way creepier than just saying hey man you look amazing i love your whole vibe#AAAAAAAAAA#(davide this is also why i followed your blog so hard for like 500 years but got very afraid of ever acknowledging you might know who i am)
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
I swear there's gonna be peace and love on this stupid planet once my sister is finally done with her thesis
#my god#she works herself to her absolute limit and beyond and does not listen to ANYONE who tells her simply NOTHING is worth that#i was away while she was writing bit she called me several times during a breakdown / panic attack#and nothing anyone says changes her mind#you tell her you cant simply do more than ur capable of she says but i have to. and nothing you say changes her mind#she handed it in already & has her defense tomorrow. now she's crying about getting stuck and not being able to move forward#and i tell her step back a bit you won't be able to work this way. she goes off at me that she doesnt have time#WHAT EXCATLY DO YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH. BITCH BE FUCKING KINDER TO YOURSELF#I KEEP TELLING HER BUT IT DOESNT GET THROUGH. SHE'S BEEN DESTROYING HERSELF MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY#it needs to be tomorrow so everyone has more peace my whole family has been worrying so much for weeks now#nesi rants
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#hello friends I just took ventolin and I am having a panic attack and possibly dying#my heart will soon pop up from my chest#and my whole body is shaking and shivering#so I am looking for some way to distract myself and not to hyoerfocus on my bodily functions#it should be a normal side effect but I never experienced it before so I'm freaking out#how are you all doing? i really hope that everyone is happy and healthy and safe#if not I'm sending all the best things your way#like tomorrow will be the best day of your life...i promise... I'm sure you will feel better tomorrow#whatever is worrying you right now will go away and you will be happy#we will all be okay#everything will be okay#I'm not dying#i really don't want to die#I wanted to die for many years and even did some stupid things but now I'm so grateful to be here#i love my life now and I'm so scared that I'll die and lose everything#because usually when you think you're doing great the universe is preparing something disastrous for you#...so thay you don't stay happy for too long#I'm trying to breathe deep but I feel like it makes my chest hurt more#and I'm so scared to sleep because I don't want to die in my sleep i want to have everything under control if I need help#but I'll be okay... I'll get through this it's just nothing#do you guys have any plans for the summer?#do you remember being at school and having two months holiday without any responsibilities#honestly I don't think I miss it...maybe I prefer to work and have just few weeks off#it's just too much free time for me#now I feel like my body is burning#and I feel my neck pulsating#like I feel my heartbeat in my head#my smart watch is saying that everything is in normal numbers but what of they're inaccurate#I'm losing control of my thoughts so back to getting distracted#maybe I'll try to lay down and sleep
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Random post: “reblog if you *thing I agree with”
My brain: if you reblog this you’re a virtue sighing whore who just wants internet clout. If you don’t reblog this you’re a heartless monster who should be shot in the street. Kys
Me: wtf
#originally I had this big long post explaining my complex feelings about posts like these#cause they do cause me a not constructive or reasonable amount of stress#but I’m very much aware that my reaction to them is not normal and very much colored by my ocd#the person who made it and the people who rebloged it probably did not intend for me to be reacting this way#there isn’t any malicious intent. most people don’t want or expect stranger on the internet to have panic attacks over tumblr posts#I don’t blame anyone for making or rebloging them.#I also don’t know if it’s even right for me to ask people not too? it’s not they’re responsibility to cater to my weird needs#so I just block and filter as much stuff as I can to try and avoid it#cause if I didn’t my entire blog would be them and I’d have to delete tumblr cause it would be actively detrimental to my mental health#but every once in a while one sneaks through. cause people will censor words or not tag stuff#or make posts that don’t follow the standard format#so I’ll see if and probably reblog it cause I don’t want to deal with the overwhelming guilt and subsequent panic attack#(this is not a good thing and will only make stuff worse btw)#and it’ll suck#but I don’t think it’s fair to hold a stranger responsible for that#but it still sucks#and I don’t know what to do about or how to feel about them#okay so the whole post ended up in the tags anyways sorry#there’s no conclusion or lesson to this I’m just ruminating#which is also not good sooo#moral ocd#ocd#actually ocd#vent#ramble#kind of both I guess?#might delete this later#if I remember
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
im definetly going to write some leia in the school holidays (remember, its kind of a 2020s remake of 17 again but also kind of an original found family story)
#OC: Leia#story: dirty little secret#mainly bc i thought of some moments -- one) during the 'battle'#'ned' winds up using a replica of stormbreaker#much to leia's chagrin#'dad we spent like 300 dollars on that what the fu--'#and two) when the pair first arrive at the school to find the spirit guide#leia winds up bumping into some friends#who wind up asking her who 'mike' is -- leia panics and just says 'uh he's my brother! yeah!' and is just#*internally screaming* the whole way through#the reason ned and mike's names are put in quotation marks is bc im thinking of changing their names
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
this isn’t what i wanted
#i wanted to be here but not now. on my own terms i said to myself.#i was taken through an ambulance to the hospital where i stayed. lonely cold and confused. literally#i was taken from my family my friends and my love. i was TAKEN AWAY.#and now im going to be watched for the whole summer incase i have a fucking panic attack and try to hurt myself or something.#so i dont kill myself#this is what i feared. but it will be good for me right? thats what i said going into this.#first few days i wouldnt stop crying.#another day my roommate asked to have sex with me and guided my hand. i pulled away and changed roommates.#but nothing happened. i still have to talk to them.#im leaving on monday. ill make the most out of my weekend. i cant contact anyone this way over weekends.#atleast darlings on the contact list. i can call them. as for the others.#i miss everyone. im scared.#and im happy. im happy im getting the FUCK out of here. monday.#i cant wait for monday.#i wish i could apologize for everything ive done.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm trying real hard against the urge to wipe my accounts, quit my job and live permanently in a blanket fort because *Jean-Ralphio voice* I don't know I am
#i get this feeling way too often#usually i get overwhelmed with anxiety#and panic in whoever's direction i think can tell me what to do#other times i am both paralyzed and liquified within my own body#mentally im a rock from everything everywhere all at once#physically I've other both paced a whole in my floor and dug through my chair#either way im no longer a person
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hi yes how about the batfam find him when he’s asleep but Jason has gotten into the habit of sleeping with one wrist cuffed to the bed post because he’s scared the pit will take over his mind or something.
So this way it’s even easier to sell the “I got kidnapped by hood!” act 👀👀
Prompt:
After some very eventful weeks of Jason’s debut as the Red Hood he takes a well deserved night off and decides to crash in one of his safe houses.
He did not count on one of the Bats finding him there.
So to keep his plans from being torpedoed entirely Jason goes with the split second decision of pretending he was held captive by the Red Hood.
#trauma responses are very diverse and Jason mind is a dark place#and that way the batfam absolutely do not think that Jason is lying#at first#but yeah I mean it’s very shocking to find someone you believed dead cuffed to a bed I guess#ANYWAY#yeah my mind works in mysterious ways lol#just leaving this here#jason i-did-not-plan-this-through todd#jason pretends he got kidnapped by—- himself#Nightwing has a whole ass panic attack about it tries to rip the cuffs off with his bare hands before Bruce stops him#hmm yes more angst#and misunderstandings#prompts#Jason todd#red hood#fanfic#dick grayson#Nightwing#Batman#batdad#Bruce Wayne#Tim drake#Robin#titans tower au
8K notes
·
View notes