#pain of absence

[godsanddemonskingdom]

Pain of absence 

Father, is this farewell

I cannot let it be

You are leaving us

For this kingdom’s end

Do you feel the pain

This is what I am feeling

A pain of your absence

When you are gone

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The Dungeon Meshi crew 'leap' into action!

[pentacass]

[anneapocalypse]

One thing that really gets me about Urianger comforting Minfilia in Amh Araeng is that when she says Thancred hates her, Urianger never actually says, no, he doesn't. He says instead, none of this is your fault, and the original Minfilia wouldn't hold anything against you, and in typical Urianger form he says some things about fate and faith, and his words are kind and beautiful--but he also completely sidesteps the question of how Thancred feels about her.

And I think this moment is very reflective of Urianger's relationship to Thancred and child!Minfilia as a whole. It reflects what we see when we first see all of them together in Il Mheg.

Urianger knows that the way Thancred behaves toward the girl is hurting her. He's spent enough time around the two of them to see that plainly. Theoretically, he could say something to Thancred about it; they're obviously close friends, and if Thancred was going to value anyone's opinion, it would be his. But he doesn't say anything, because he still feels guilty and responsible for all of it: about their Minfilia going to the First and what happened to her there, and thus for what both Thancred and child!Minfilia are going through now. Even though Thancred has never outright blamed him for it (however he may feel privately, which I think is hard to say), it seems like Urianger still feels like he has no right to say anything.

So he tries to compensate instead. He's kind to Minfilia, connects with her in his own way and gives her books, and by the time we see them together he's obviously become something of a familial figure to her. I would say that he and Thancred aren't so much raising her together as they're doing it... around one another. Thancred is gruff and cold and holds Minfilia at arm's length emotionally so that his protectiveness comes off harshly even when it's well-meant, and Urianger dotes on her and tries to make up for it all while avoiding the actual problem.

So that conversation in Amh Araeng is both touching and maddening to me, and it really drives home what's maddening about it when, upon overhearing it, the Warrior of Light turns to Thancred to ask him if he has anything to say to Minfilia--who has just said, out loud, that she thinks Thancred wishes she was dead--and Thancred just says, "Not today."

And so they both go on avoiding the actual problem, for just a little longer.

[feral-ballad]

Caitlin Bailey, from Solve for Desire: Poems; “Poppies”

[Text ID: “My body is a bruise, purpled with loss. / I am tired of swallowing your name, / finding ink on each of your shirts, / red petals in the pages of books.”]

[thirdeyeblue]

“Nine would have treated Martha better than Ten did”

I need to talk about this argument that never seems to stop circulating.

Note: Not a venomous/anti post. There’s more than enough of that across fandom spaces as is, and this is supposed to be a place for ✨sweet, blissful escapism✨

When making this argument, people seem to envision a scenario in which Nine never met Rose.

While I can appreciate a good hypothetical, recognizing Rose's significance to the Doctor (Nine and Ten) is essential to understanding why things with Martha played out the way they did in the first place.

In the third series, the Doctor is grieving. This grief is deliberately threaded into nearly every script, whether spoken aloud or not (and these are just a few examples):

He's burning in Rose’s wake the entire time Martha travels with him, which is why it’s so frequently called upon: It’s 100% deliberate in framing his grief. He grieved as Nine too, of course— having been fresh on the heels of the Time War — but then he met Rose, which changed everything.

Back then, he was still a rude, traumatized pain in the ass, but we watch Rose soften more of those jagged edges with every episode as they grow closer; as he lets his guard down and forms a deep connection with her.

He falls in love (against his better judgment) and it's game over.

And yes: provided S1E1 had been titled 'Martha', one can realistically assume things might have unfolded similarly to how they did with Rose. However, it wouldn’t have been that way just because the Doctor was Nine and “Nine was different” — it would be because he wasn’t already in love with someone else. The same can't be said for the start of S3.

Think of it like this: if Rose AND Martha had been in that cellar — if Nine had taken both of them along with him in S1 — we’d eventually be looking at the most melodramatic love triangle ever, what with him living in close quarters with two brilliant, gorgeous, compassionate young women... But Doctor Who is plenty “soap opera” as is with just one woman in the TARDIS.

(I certainly wouldn’t object to reading that fic, though)

Now, regarding the unrequited elephant in the room…

His inability to be romantic with Martha isn’t because he thinks her lesser, nor is it for lack of compatibility. It isn't because Rose is any better than her. It certainly isn’t just because he’s Ten.

It’s really only for one reason, which can't be denied — and now I’m a broken record:

He is still in love with Rose.

(cut from a tenrosedaily gif)

Nine is Ten, and Ten is only such a mess in S3 because he’s just lost the love of his life. Martha merely got caught in the crosshairs of a volatile Time Lord in mourning, and yes — it sucks. Absolutely.

But it also feels dismissive to chalk Ten and Martha’s relationship up to little more than some sort of mindless dance of pining, jealousy, and toxicity.

Ten trusted Martha with his life over and over again — and hers, with him. He constantly praised her brilliance, happily carting her around time and space with no intention of letting her go. In the BBC’s extended universe of novels/comics/cartoons/etc, there’s so much depth to their relationship: love and trust and trauma and sacrifice. They had their own special bond as mates, their own complexities — so it’s a bummer that it's forever overshadowed by the other things.

I’m not denying that there was a lot of stuff that sucked/was for sure toxic about Ten's S3 behavior, but so many of the things I've seen him catching flak for can be directly attributed to being A Clueless Fucking Alien Idiot (not a trait that’s unique to Ten) — as well as his flat-out obliviousness to Martha’s feelings.

So yes, I agree: if Rose never existed, he would have treated Martha differently as Nine. He also would have treated her differently as Ten. Certainly.

But Rose did exist, and when discussing canon, it matters.

“He tells me that he absolutely, 100% loves Rose... He tells me how my daughter; my wonderful, beautiful, clever little girl saved him from himself before… And he says that’s all because of me! I made her into the Rose Tyler that saved him.”

-Jackie Tyler, Flight Into Hull!

Martha got the short end of the stick in S3. She came round at the wrong place and time, but that doesn't mean it was all bad. It doesn't mean the Doctor didn’t adore her. It certainly doesn't mean the time they spent together was wasted or worthless. They were brilliant!

Sure, he could be a twat, but let it be known that he was a twat with Rose as well, both as Nine and Ten. I’m sure Tentoo can be plenty infuriating, too. So while I'll defend Ten (and Tentoo) into the ground forever and ever and ever, I'll concede that he's fucked up.

The Doctor is a certified Pain In The Ass. It’s one of the things I love so much about this character — dynamics.

But never forget that Martha was goddamn tough as nails and overcame every bit of it. She moved on with her life, and the Doctor moved on with his. One can only pray that, when they inevitably drag her back onto the show (which feels inevitable if I'm honest), we see at once that she's been living her best life for all these years.

[mxtxfanatic]

The way people view Bing-mei as a villain for having an appropriate (and I’d argue it’s actually pretty damn tame) reaction to being an abuse victim needs to be studied as a critique of how society very easily turns against victims who do not appropriately perform victimhood. In the story, the cultivation world outside of Cang Qiong Mountain are in the dark about how Luo Binghe was treated pre-Abyss, but we the audience know! We know he was abused horrifically for his first 14 years of life, 4 of those years under his shizun. Three years of kindness before being kicked into hell is not going to erase the scars left by that abuse. And just because we the audience also know that Shen Yuan’s Shen Qingqiu was not responsible for those first 4 years of Luo Binghe’s life as a disciple, that does not mean that he is let off the hook for them as the person assuming Shen Qingqiu’s identity, let alone the fact that he is the one who still forces Luo Binghe into the abyss, not Shen Jiu.

Meanwhile, Shen Qingqiu, himself, knows that he wronged Luo Binghe and spends the rest of the novel attempting to make up for it. After all, the abyss, itself, and that final act of betrayal are a point of trauma on their own level above those previous years of mistreatment combined. Shen Qingqiu never absolves himself of his actions the way fandom does for him, but the fact that he feared Luo Binghe’s retribution is somehow enough to flip who the victim is and who the abuser is in too many people’s minds. Even Bing-ge and Shen Jiu get this treatment: people act like because Bing-ge allowed his resentment to consume him in his thirst for vengeance that this not only absolves Shen Jiu of the grotesque abuse he subjected a 10-year-old to for 7 years in an attempt to kill him but that it also makes Shen Jiu the “ultimate victim” of the relationship rather than the reaper of the seeds of abuse he sowed. Cause as we all know, vengeance makes a villain, but somehow baseless abuse does not (🙄).

People take fear (or claims of it) as the sign of “true victimhood” while anger is assigned as an “abuser emotion,” especially in cases of abuse where the abuser is well-liked, and I see this sort of idea in the stated reasoning behind 95% of the Luo Binghe hate.

[hajihiko]

Got any personal thoughts on izuru

TIL that there’s a surprising amount of people that like thirst over for him haha /lh

Izuru is what crazy hard depression feels like. Unhygienic, ratty, nasty, lame to talk to, not cool. Izuru is the defense mechanism of shutting out all emotion, so technically aro/ace (not saying aroaces are devoid of emotion AT ALL that's straight not true but izuru would just not give a ahit about romance or sex at all it is literally nothing to them)

[iamstandingwater]

'Yet Edmund was beloved' absolutely kills me every time because all of it, all his manipulation, the deceit and the hate that tore people's lives apart and ultimately ruined him too is what happens when the desire to be loved becomes desperate and hungry. Edmund is a creature of jealousy, bitterness and a profound loneliness that has hollowed him out and left a great space inside of him, starving and empty. Here, knowing that he is dying, he wants to believe more than anything that he can be whole, that despite everything, he was or could have been loved.

[dindjarindiaries]

*taps microphone* is this thing on?

I have a Din Djarin one-shot idea everyone

[ribbitflings]

this is going to be the most specific thing, but anyone with migraines or epilepsy experience achromatopsia or monochromacy at any point during the events?

achromatopsia is a documented phenomenon with migraines, but i believe that only pertains to grey monochrome vision and not other monochrome colors

[carefulfears]

how do you see mulder leaving in season 9? scully giving up william? how do they deal with these things? (their guilt, resentment, futility, etc)

i know i have a realllllllly unpopular opinion on all of this but as i've said recently, i just don't think there's anything easier on earth to convince mulder of than "things are safer if you're not here."

i usually come back to doggett's confusion in the beginning, the way he keeps asking and arguing and scully just keeps saying "he's gone" and shutting it down, until the end of the premiere when he realizes: "oh my god. it was scully. scully made him go."

god, it's sad. it's hard to talk about. i teared up trying to write this, as much as i am fonder of the storyline than most. i don't find it unrealistic or out of character or unfitting of the narrative. it doesn't mean i don't feel it's heartbreaking. i have such a hard time thinking of mulder missing that baby. not even having the chance to put up a fight, walking back into empty rooms. the show as a tragedy, finding your burden again, etc. the x-files as the gap between teary smiles at baby kicks to screams in a jail cell. as what it was in the beginning: unknowable answers to insurmountable grief.

and i just think about mulder's dramatic emails, writing that he doesn't think he can survive being away from them. spender looking at the baby and telling scully he's heard "so much" about him. mulder being tortured by soldiers, saying he's just thinking about his son. keeping 1 baby photo for 15 years. "i just missed both of you so much."

scully's fertility treatments and her prayers and her tears and her "last chance" and her miracle. and how deeply unfair it is, what happened to her. i don't think a single one of us could say what we could do if people kept breaking into our homes to suffocate a child we were still nursing. she didn't ever want to do it alone, that was never the plan.

but scully desperately wants to keep everybody safe. she thinks she’s keeping everybody safe. it’s hard to be starbuck. it's this conflict i keep talking about recently where you really start to notice how controlled she is by fear, how difficult it is for her to balance it all. my favorite visual on this is the gate at the house in i want to believe: every day the way she pulls up to it, gets out, opens it, pulls through, stops, gets out, closes it. repeat in reverse. and then she comes home and she says "the truth is, i worry about you." and that he's too isolated. turns around and shuts the door, leaves the house and locks the gate.

i wrote a bit a few weeks ago about scully's protectiveness and it made me think about what a trap it can be, how defending lends to fear and fear lends to defeat. to standing in a church 25-years deep and saying "i failed." in the tags of that post i asked "could they ever recover from her exiling him from being with their child because she was afraid it would kill him?" and said i don't know. and i don't, i don't know.

but i think there's something so brave in saying: i did the best i could, and maybe that wasn't right. it's why ghouli is one of my favorite episodes. scully sobbing to her son that she's sorry. she's sorry he doesn't know them. she wanted him, they loved him. "i was trying to keep you safe. i hope you know that." and she thought she was being strong, but maybe she was wrong.

things don't always shake out the way you want them to. it was always mulder that called their son a miracle, and mulder doesn't believe in miracles. mulder believes in the world, and the search, and the after.

[change-the-rules]

oh Wait A Second

Hang The Fuck On

Ive Got Another Thing Actually my beloved eloise Also came up with the dumbass plan to claim to be whistledown when she was backed into a corner by the queen it was a stupid plan then same as it was for cressida

the difference being eloise was confiding unwittingly To whistledown who immediately did everything in her power to shut that shit down for obvious reasons

ELOISE WAS IN DAMN NEAR THE SAME POSITION AS CRESSIDA WAS

at least in terms of personal desperation and impending doom closing in like for the love of fuck no one else could have possibly been in a better position to if not help then at the very Least EMPATHIZE

if everything went exactly as it had but *before* the dropping of the 'friendship soured' Out of Nowhere eloise had tried to comfort or reason with cressida Especially from this VERY RIDICULOUSLY SPECIFIC AND NICHE common thread but nuture and fear won out and cressida still went ahead with her ill-advised gambit?

and their friendship imploded accordingly

I would Not be nearly as annoyed as I am now because hey I like angst WHEN ITS GOOD STORYTELLING like damn

IT WAS RIGHT THERE Y'ALL ELOISE LITERALLY EXPERIENCED IT SHE HAD THE SAME THOUGHT WHY DID NO ONE USE THAT

[ashton-ryder]

// int. loft #905 quarantine suite 2, room 2 - morning. 24th march. @pxtitxrosx

The moment the 48-hour quarantine was lifted, pretty much everyone quickly vacated the rooms they've been locked up in to escape the growing cabin fever, the outside team locked up together due to the lack of space and influx of new survivors, all still under the watchful eye of Val. Ash himself bunkered down with some of the people that were outside of the building; he wished he had the time to grab a book or something before they got locked up but their entrance back into the building had been a lil.. chaotic and dire. At least the company was good, thanking the universe that Ruth was okay, Aggie stuck mostly to Jer silent throughout the two days, and Jer- it's always nice being with Jer. Even though they mostly spent it separated in silence, resting and recuperating after the shitty day they all had.

Ash had let everyone else in their suite peter off first while he still sat on the bed in the room alone, not really too desperate to get out and meet other people just yet even with the temptation of breakfast, and he doubt anyone would really be looking for him anyways. His shoulder burned more than usual from the inside while every other injury seemed to be on mend, his left shoulder had always been the stubborn one even after 5 years, hoping to sort this out before he trudge down those flight of stairs back to his own apartment, eager to just give the breakfast a miss. He simply popped a few anti-inflammation pills Ruth gave him, pulling off one side of his sweater to redo the loosening shoulder brace, "-sh fuck," he muttered to himself with a hiss, using his one good hand to retighten the straps, struggling to reach behind.

"Yeah I'll be out of your hair soon Val-," Ash felt another present come into the room but with his back facing the door he could only assume who until he turned around to see Charlie by the doorframe. He didn't really know what to say to her after not being able to say anything to her for so long. Instead he just pulled his gaze to the floor, and dropped his hand, mentally prepared whatever wrath was coming his way, quietly murmuring, perhaps she's just looking for her brother, that's the more likely case anyways, "Jer went upstairs already." Felt weird and almost sore to say, with the Roses always having lived on the same floor. Her oncoming words can't hurt more than his fucking shoulder right now, or it might, he couldn't be sure.

[amburuthings]

Thank you @lathbora-virann for tagging me !

summer or winter // coffee or tea // straight hair or curly hair // fiction or nonfiction // necklaces or bracelets // marshmallows or whipped cream // night in or night out // sunset or sunrise // pizza or pasta // cold drink or hot drink// vampire or werewolf // crop top or oversized hoodie // be able to fly or run at super speed // speak many languages or able to speak to animals// be invisible or read minds // phone call or text // laundry or dishes // pool or beach // flats or heels // stay home or go out // coke or pepsi // cook dinner or do dishes // books or movies // dogs or cats // chocolate or vanilla // facebook or instagram // over-dressed or under-dressed // morning or late nights // always late or always early // dancer or singer // always eat only dessert or always eat only savoury // shopping or museum // art gallery or zoo //parties or picnics // white lights or multicolored lights

I'm so bad at tagging people... Idk who to pick... I'm legit getting anxious over it hELp

@galadrieljones @baphometsss @mickeysalamander @gefionne @minaabitaa @bucketsofmonsters @kokoa707 @tearyphoenixx with obviously no obligation

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)