#p.s. Gandy

[brotherofmercy]

"kingknight" is a fine ship name for Andy and Gary, but "Angary" is right there

[seductionofthefourthkind]

I'm looking for new writing partners to write with! Here are the list of my pre made characters:

GYM - full name: Mr Leon Lynch - size: 9 inch + thick as a can - face Claim: CM PUNK - position: Top leaning versatile

HISTORY - full name: Mr Nathan Shaw - size: 7.5 inches - face Claim: Jonathan Bailey - position: Bottom leaning versatile

PRIVATE TUTOR - full name: Mr Everett Carpenter - size: 8 inches + semi-thick - face Claim: David Gandy - position: Versatile

BAKER - full name: Mr Killian Brown - size: 7 inches - face Claim: Matt Bomer - position: Bottom

AUTHOR - full name: Mr Austin Gavins - size: 8 inches - face Claim: Antoni Porowski - position: Bottom leaning versatile

STUDENT- full name: Mr Dylan Powers - size: 7 inches - Face Claim: Joe Keery - position: Bottom

BATH HOUSE OWNER - full name: Mr Taylor Walsh - size: 9 inches + thick - face Claim: Luke Evans - position: Versatile

Below is a list of fcs I have resources for and willing to use:

>Alexander Skarsgård >Antoni Porowski >Cody Christian >Ben Price >Bradley Cooper >Chris Evans >CM Punk >David Gandy >Joe Keery >Jonathan Bailey >Luke Evans >Matt Bomer >Michael B Jordan >Miguel Angel Silvestre >Milo Ventimiglia >Pablo Schreiber >REGÉ JEAN PAGE >Richard Madden >Ryan Kwanten >Sebastian Stan >Shemar Moore >Skeet Ulrich

If any take your fancy either; join my discord server HERE or send me a message on here. :) P.S. I do prefer writing on discord but I do write on here aswell. Whichever platform you want to write on, i'm there :)

[thegirlandthewardrobe]

STUFF YOUR KINDLE DAY IS FRIDAY JUNE 30TH!!! (HUNDREDS OF FREE BOOKS)

There's going to be TONS of free romance books available on Amazon for download! The books can be also be downloaded/sent to Non-Kindle devices as well. The list of available books was released early and can be found here. I also took the time to scroll through some of the categories and compile a brief list of some of the books that I'm looking forward to downloading, in case anyone needs help choosing books😊 I also linked the Goodreads description for each and every book for those of you who want more info or reviews!

P.S. These are all spicy reads (with probably the exception of the YA ones), IYKYK😏

Happy Reading❤️

**=Reverse Harem/Why Choose

Young Adult Romance

Midnight Prince by Aisha Urooj

White by Angelina J. Steffort

Gravebriar by Casey L. Bond

Kingdom of Embers by Trina Copeland

Teaching the Teachers Pet by Sarah Sutton

Crimson Born by Amy Patrick

Her Dark Love by Isra Sravenheart

In the Dust by K.A. Gandy

Fire and Ice by Michelle Barrow-Belisle

Keeper of Dragons: The Prince Returns by J.A. Culican

Fantasy Romance

The Prince of Dragons by Tameri Etherton

Veiled by Michelle Areaux

Dragon Soul by L.J. Swallow

Empath's Lure by Jen Lynning

Wolf Shunned by Laurel Night

To Catch A Fae by Mila Young

Taming the Vines by Anita Primrose

The Gilded Survivor by Daniela A. Mera

Empath: The Tale of Flora and Cale by Meghan Shaltes

The Queen's Wings by Jamie K. Schmidt

Captured by the Fae by Vera Rivers

The Coven of Ruin by T.K. Tucker

The Lost Siren by Raven Storm

Death Wish by Harper A. Brooks

Maiden Flight by Bianca D'Arc

The Borderlands Princess by Ophelia Wells Langley

Blade and Rose by Miranda Honfleur

Princess of Thorns by Amberlyn Holland

The Captive and the Cursed by Alexa Saint

Lord of the Hollow Court by C.K. Beggan

**Queen of the Stars by Catherine Banks

**Captive Beauty by Cassia Briar

Queen of Roses by Brior Boleyn

**Psychotic by Elle Lincoln

Night Elves of Ardani by Nina K. Westra

The Gardener and the Water-horse by Mallory Dunlin

**Our Fae Queen by Traci Lovelot

Sun Serpent by Geneva Monroe

**Torn Apart by D.E. Chapman

Paranormal Romance

Never Say Never by Sarah Spade

**Daughter of the Sun by Laura Greenwood

**The Stalking Dead by Eva Chase

Forbidden Wolf by CR Robertson

**Splintered: Brookview Academy by A.J. Moran

**A Monstrous Claim: Part 1 by R.K. Pierce

Breaking the Lovers' Curse by Lore Nicole

The Dragon's Reluctant Sacrifice by Ines Johnson

**Monsters by Katie May

Night Revelations by Godiva Gleen

**Scarred Wolf by Elizabeth Blackthorne

**Vampire's Kiss by Atlas Rose

**Red by Tracey H. Kitts

**Dark Spirits by N.A. Jameson

Feral by Trish Heinrick

Her Primal Love by Rianne Burnett

**Magic Claimed by Charmaine Ross

**Life's a Witch by Skyler Andra

**Vampires Don't Give Hickeys by Holly Ryan

[ducklooney]

Duckvember - Zealous, Cagey, Scandalous, Little, Mushroom, Mom, Dad, Maintenance, Honorable, Army, Nutty, Boyfriend, Depressed and Free Duck (Ducks)

Sorry for my delay, but I did this part of the job. Not to lengthen that much, for the reason that it would already be a very long post, I will only briefly say what is on these ten drawings from various franchises where ducks appear in cartoons (mostly in America and Europe).

The first drawing is related to the best ducks Donald and Daffy Duck, their first versions and current versions. Took inspiration from this ingenious drawing: https://www.deviantart.com/devilkais/art/Divine-Ducks-Duel-459538941

Tied this first drawing definitely to Honorable Ducks.

The second drawing is related to ducks (Army Ducks) going to war (World War II and propaganda cartoons) primarily related to Donald and Daffy Duck plus Gandy Goose from Terrytoons (yes, Gandy is a goose, but he looks like a duck). Certainly Daffy The Commando and Commando Duck are tied classic shorts to Donald and Daffy as well as other drawings and these are partly like redraw.

The third drawing is related to Maintenance Duck so I drew Duckman and his family (Bernice, Ajax, Charles and Mambo). Yes, Duckman is a private detective and has a lot of problems with his wife's twin and his family and his job. Yes, that cartoon is from the 90s and it is more for adults, but whoever wants, let them look at it.

The fourth drawing is related to Howard the Duck from Marvel and whoever wants to explore more about it, so there is no need for an explanation and it is related to Scandalous and Depressed Duck.

The fifth drawing is related to Alfred Johathan Quack (Kwak) from a Japanese-Dutch cartoon series with his girlfriend, Winnie. The sixth drawing is related to Baby Huey (from Noveltoon) with his parents Papa and Mama Duck (Gilbert & Silly). The seventh drawing is related to a frightened Wade Duck who stops Roy the Roster (they are from the U.S. Acres and appeared in the Garfield and Friends series). The eighth drawing is related to Petra Jobatta (Pierrot), a duck from the Japanese-Italian cartoon series Calimero with his friends Calimero and Valerian (Giuliano), who are more chickens, but Piero is definitely a green wild duck.

The ninth drawing is related to Duck Quacker from Tom & Jerry and who is Jerry's friend, but unfortunately both Jerry and Quacker were trapped by Tom Cat and who says (partly took inspiration from Bodyguard) "IN ME POWER!". Still, the two of them will get away with it, but I definitely mostly prefer Tom the cat in terms of the rivalry between Tom and Jerry. And interestingly, Quacker’s voice was played by the same voice actor for Donald Duck, Clarence Nash.

The tenth and last drawing is related to Count Duckula, which comes from the eponymous British cartoon series from the late 1980s and which holds a mushroom with a duck's beak. Yes, since Duckula is a vegetarian, he still can't eat vegetables, because there's Bushroot from Darkwing Duck who advises him not to eat any plants or mushrooms at all. Although they are supposed to be monsters, the two of them still have a good heart, with Bushroot being the antagonist and Duckula the protagonist.

P.S. That's it. I know Duckvember has already passed, but I plan to publish the rest tomorrow, but exclusively from the Disney and Warner Bros. franchises as far as ducks and their world are concerned, and if not, then certainly as a special topic or they will be shown next year. So there will be more for anime ducks next year. I hope you like these drawings and that you are a fan of one of these ducks, and not just Donald and Daffy.

[blainehayes]

This is what y'all are defending? Andieschoices, since I know you're an absolute fucking loser with no life I know you'll see this! Don't think we've forgotten about you denying blatant racism and stalking Tumblrs to shit talk the fandom when you make edits that look like donkey diarrhoea glued onto David Gandy's hairy testicles. Your bigotry does not go unnoticed love! And neither does the commenter's. I'm not covering any fucking name because frankly we need to stop coddling bigots like this. Making fun of real people's faces while hiding behind a shitty pixelated icon you spent an hour making while thinking about gobbling down Ethan's long giraffe neck is more than pathetic. Non-binary people don't all look one way, and even if they did, what the fuck is it to you? If you posted a picture of your face, would you want some random loser online to make fun of you and use your face against your will? "These visuals are not for the faint of heart" neither are ur ugly fucking edits LMFAOOO

To anyone defending these people, to these people, and to keep it short and simple: fuck all of you. If the Tumblr fandom is problematic, the instagram fandom is 10x that.

p.s: Yes, I called you a bigot because that is exactly what you are and stay absolutely the fuck mad about it bitch! This is blatant transphobia.

[monsoonblooms12]

Hello lovely 💖 Could I request a moodboard for Ethan and Alishka? I would be really grateful if you do it

Thank you ☺️

(P.S. the FC's are David Gandy and Sara Sampaio)

Hey Sakshi! Thank you so much for the request, enjoyed making it a lot❤

I really hope you like it!

[jamespotterthefirst]

AVENTURAAAAA fffhsjdkskfosak 🥺 me encantaaaaaa, me encanta cada existencia o scenario sufrido que hay en mi cabeza con canciones así de emo 💔 has escuchado Dile al amor? Omfg if THAT isn't every angsty pairing I have ever loved, I don't know what it is.

Pues dile al amor que no toque mi puerta

Que yo no estoy en casa

Que no vuelva mañana

A mi corazón ya le han fallado en ocasiones

Me fui de vacaciones

Lejos de los amores

I never left mi cariño! El estúpido trabajo a veces me consume full pero always habrá tiempo para música emo, o clásicos de ayer y hoy como Luis Mi, or just to pop in your asks and let you know that I'm so happy to be in contact with you, that I hope you're doing ok, that this or that song reminded me of you jajaja, however short or public it might be 😅. And I'm way too invested and attached at this point hahaha. I can't be without my Bree dosis of Lilac, memes, Gandy, and overall thoughts. You really bright up my day ♥️💪 Que este domingo sea ma-ra-vi-llo-so querida 👑

Fernanda 🌼

P.S. it's embarrasing AF signing with my name every time I send an ask 😂 I'll see how to change my tumblr's god forsaken name or delete it and just make a new one haha

Don't worry! I think your name signature is cute 😊❤️

And that Aventura song. Okay it's amazing how bachata can make you emo while also make you want to shake that 🍑 lol. When I wrote my fic Mariposa, I imagined an Aventura song while Lilac was dancing and Ethan was just staring lol

Have you heard Ella y Yo? With Don Omar? Biggest plot twist ever. I still gasp when he says "salí con tu mujer"

Bro

Jajaja

Anyway, sorry to ramble! ❤️

Te comprendo lo del trabajo. Ahorita estoy yo en mi escritorio, muriéndome de sueño. Todo lo que quiero hacer es jugar DALS or write some Ethan fics lol

Pero tengo que trabajar

Maldita pobreza

Cuidate mucho, Fernanda! ❤️ Estoy tan feliz de estar en contacto contigo!

[nooruleman]

WE HAVE BEEN EXPOSED! UH OH.

Somebody finally told David Gandy that we have been using him shamelessly as Ethan Ramsey 😬

IF PB CHANGES ETHAN RAMSEY'S PERFECT FACE BECAUSE OF THIS, I-

(Kinda secretly hoping David Gandy might be on board with the idea)

P.s I actually secretly love the fact that the while fandom is stalking his comment section, terrified out of their wits for a pixelated character whom we love.

[nazariolahela]

as a lifelong bryce stan, should I spend more time being sad that OPH 3 is probably the last one, or should i spend more time celebrating that ethonk stans will be miserable when that cursed series is over? p.s. david gandy looks like a foot

I mean, both options are so valid. We can be sad that B3 will be the last time our Scalpel Jockey’s beautiful smile and skilled hands grace our presence, while also laughing at Ramseynators misery. 😉

Also, your Gandy description is spot on. 🦶🏼

[keplercryptids]

I love how you always mention when characters have light skin, it really helps to reverse the idea of white as a default (and also of all light skinned people being white)

thank you! i do make a point of describing every character’s skin color, in part to combat the white-as-default mentality. i also try to describe skin color as literally as possible without making assumptions about ethnicity. 

i think the only time i include ethnicity is for Gandy of the taz:Dust arc, who is canonically East Asian. (but i still describe her skin tone as light, medium, etc depending.) i’ll also occasionally check the tags of certain art to see if the artist notes the character’s intended race, and i’ll include that, if it applies.

p.s. @writingwithcolor has been SUCH a useful reference for describing people of color with regard to skin tone, hair, dress, etc. i highly recommend their blog!

[tellywoodtrash]

I'm fed up of heterosexual couples in IB. So, I've come up with some alternatives. 1. Anika and Mallika ( AniMal) 2. Gauri and Svetlana (SvetRi) 3. Rudra and Chubby (RuBy) 4. Shivaay and Khanna (ShivaNna) What do you think of these? You like the ship names? Sorry I'm not that creative. P.S. I'm pissed off at Om, so he can stay single and make gandi paintings.

Preeeaaaaaaaaaaaaach, anon! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

Love love love all the couples, except that last one. You know Shivaay is meant to be with his “friend” of yore - Advay Singh Raizada. The way they stared into each others’ eyes and almost kissed?!?!?! I mean, that sexual tension could rival Shivaay/Anika’s!!!!!!!!!!

(gif via @phati-sari) 

[sitaaronkepaar]

Daily Rikara Ramblings

God, this is literally Omkara's MO; misunderstand Gauri, yell at her, and then keep fucking calling her while she ignores. But honestly, you deserve it bitch. I hope she never picks your calls again.

Lol @ Omkara pretending sab is theek 😂😂😂

Ugh, Shivaay is such a good bro. 😢😍😍😍😍

Isko shivika ke rishte ki tension hai aur apne rishte ko aag laga di. Duffer.🙄🙄😠

Wow, finally he's realizing his galti.

"Tune use samjha hi kab tha"

THANK YOU BADE BHAIYYA!!!

FINALLY, HE'S TELLING HIM ABOUT EXHIBITION TRUTH AND ENGLISH CLASS. THANK YOU GODD!!!! UFFFFF, IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS. 😌😌😌😌😌

"Tune use biwi ka darja diya hi nahi, kya lagega use? yahi na ki tu use apne layak samjhta hi nahi hai and as a husband, you failed"

Ugh, look at Shivaay spilling the truth tea ☕☕☕☕☕ ILY SHIVAAY 💗💗💗💗💗

Ugh, my ShivRi heart  ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Omfg Omkara you're so fucking passive. Sari zindagi call hi karega and gandi paintings banayega. Thank god SSO is there, no fear. Lmao.

"biwi ko leke wapis....."

Matlab he acknowledges she's his biwi now?? 🤔🤔😕

Chalo kuch toh accha hua. 😃

Okay, Bhavya's padosis/landlady are being so excessive. Like really, no one does this.

Also, my hate for Rudy has intensified after this. Ek toh crybaby and now he's doing this. What the actual fuck. Kameenepan ki bhi hadd hoti hai. All these O'bros(maybe not Shivaay atm) are actual fucktards who need to vanish from the face of the earth 😡😡😡😡😡😡

He really needs to be slapped again. I hope Bhavya finds out Rudy was behind all this. Uska ek dum band baja degi. 😾😾😾😾

LOL, Omkara has chipkofied the chithde of the card. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Ab yahi tera sahara banega on lonely nights, I hope she never forgives you, you asshle.

Ahahahha, the glorious flashback!!  ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hahaha, he's getting ready woh bhi itne tashan se.

But why has he stolen Shivaay k kapde? Apne bhi pehen sakta tha na 😂😂😂😂

Omfggg, pls tell me this black cloth isn't for his pagg. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

God, I made an off-hand comment to my friend while discussing the epi on Friday about Omkara using sardar disguise to woo Gauri and the next fucking day she's like, it's happening. I'm still lol'ing at the unimaginativeness of the writers. 100 saal purana formula use kar rahe ho yaar. The creatives aren't so creative apparently. 😂😂😂

Lol @ daadi mazak mazak me roasting pinky 😂😂😂😂

Oh, boys are also keeping the fast? Noice! 😊😊😊

I hope Omkara keeps it too. Lol

I hope they do a role reversal of sorts and Omkara faints and Gauri's the one who feeds him water lmao.

OH WOW. They remember who Gauri is. Dayum!!

Lol, this shivika scene is so cute!! Also why is shivaay sharmaing? She's your wife bro, niche ka nahi pehna hai toh kya hua? kabhi na kabhi toh utarna padega na. Kal tak toh suhagraat manane ki bahut padi thi, ab itna chui mui ki tarah kyu act kar raha hai 😂😂😂😂

I'm loving this forward wali Annika lmao. 🤣🤣🤣

Shivaay is so stinking cute. I'm dying. 😂😂😂😂

He's looking like a school boy standing in front of his first crush. My gawd. The cuteness 😍😍

Toilet me AC 😂😂😂😂😂

Happy karwa chauth

Merry karwa chauth

Karwa chauth mubarak 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. I can't 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😊

Him laughing at her inability to keep fasts is so adorbs.

Are they going to chup chup k vrat rakhofy? 😂😂😂

Omg tub me chup na, gawd.

"don't look down"

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Wtf, why is the tub full of water? Poor Annika. 😥

Awww man shivika are so cute man. I'm lowkey shipping them lol. 😍😍😍😍

Ewww yuck. Worrying about her is okay, but who puts their fingers in someone's ears. Gross. 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

Aww, "tumhare andar meri jaan hai.”"❤️❤️❤️❤️      

Omfggg, Gaauuuurriiiii my bby   ❤️  ❤️  ❤️❤️ 

Ugh, no that horrible, no good, terrible flashback. 😢

Good lord, her earrings are hurting my ears. So fuckin heavy. 😧😧😧

"Omkara ji toh bahut acche se samjhte hai hamein, woh humse kabhi naraj ho hi nahi sakte"

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Oh the irony. 😂😂😂🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

"yeh hamare pichle janam k karam hi honge, ki hamein omkaraji jaise pati mile"

Poor Gauri. She's like moti nahi, pathar daan kiya honge maaaaaa, tabhi itni phooti kismet and aisa pati mila hai 😢

Omg are you thinking what i am thinking???? We might finally get some cutsey Rikara moments in #richakishadi  ❤️❤️❤️❤️    

P.S: Can someone tell me where the eff is Bhavya? Like did she get transferred to Mumbai? Is she still in Merath? Is Abhay in Merath? Like I don't understand what happened today. Lol. Why is she renting a house in Mumbai if her job's still in Merath? For investigating her bribe case? Couldn't she just book a hotel room? How did Mumbai people find out what she did so quickly? Or is that also Abhay ka jaal? I'm so confused rn. 😕😕😕😕😕

[seductionofthefourthkind]

I'm looking for new writing partners to write with! Here are the list of my pre made characters:

GYM - full name: Mr Leon Lynch - size: 9 inch + thick as a can - face Claim: CM PUNK - position: Top leaning versatile

HISTORY - full name: Mr Nathan Shaw - size: 7.5 inches - face Claim: Jonathan Bailey - position: Bottom leaning versatile

PRIVATE TUTOR - full name: Mr Everett Carpenter - size: 8 inches + semi-thick - face Claim: David Gandy - position: Versatile

BAKER - full name: Mr Killian Brown - size: 7 inches - face Claim: Matt Bomer - position: Bottom

AUTHOR - full name: Mr Austin Gavins - size: 8 inches - face Claim: Antoni Porowski - position: Bottom leaning versatile

STUDENT- full name: Mr Dylan Powers - size: 7 inches - Face Claim: Joe Keery - position: Bottom

BATH HOUSE OWNER - full name: Mr Taylor Walsh - size: 9 inches + thick - face Claim: Luke Evans - position: Versatile

Below is a list of fcs I have resources for and willing to use:

>Alexander Skarsgård >Antoni Porowski >Cody Christian >Ben Price >Bradley Cooper >Chris Evans >CM Punk >David Gandy >Joe Keery >Jonathan Bailey >Luke Evans >Matt Bomer >Michael B Jordan >Miguel Angel Silvestre >Milo Ventimiglia >Pablo Schreiber >REGÉ JEAN PAGE >Richard Madden >Ryan Kwanten >Sebastian Stan >Shemar Moore >Skeet Ulrich

If any take your fancy either; join my discord server HERE or send me a message on here. :) P.S. I do prefer writing on discord but I do write on here aswell. Whichever platform you want to write on, i'm there :)

[armoredevil-blog]

Personal Bio for Tony Stark

Quick comic background/F&Q (If you werent aware. I follow his comic timeline closely):

Official Bio (Always up to date): http://marvel.com/comics/series/19164/superior_iron_man_2014_-_present

Personality: To cut it simple he follows the traits of any comic universe or alternative. Hugely he is Earth 616 though so go ahead.

Portrayal: The inverted version of Tony is ones nightmare. Charmingly seductive, flattering, and social butterfly beyond the normal. When he isn’t partying or hitting on people he is slowly plotting out to infect the world with his image of Extremis. But be warned those who try to go against him. You threaten his Extremis or him and he will turn into a monster that isn’t afraid to use physical force or torture to bring one down. He’s a villainous mastermind you won’t see coming.

Shipping: I have nothing against shipping him. This version of Tony is well, he’s probably more of a playboy than usual. Course there needs to be somewhat chemistry and whoever has to understand or tolerate how this Tony works. He is basically a villain.

Faceclaim: I have chosen the FC as David Gandy because why the Hell not?

Current Basis: He only lasted for a small arc and in the Avengers/New Avengers. See him as a displaced Tony from the past. SL and plots will be in the current or past era and just ideas thrown out there as we all know Superior Tony was killed by Steve Rogers. I’m not sugar coating that fact.

No offence: Being the inverted Tony Stark he is every bit hell. He won’t be afraid to insult your character, harm them if they cross him wrong or will try to win them over with his charms. He is everything more than the usual Tony so please remember this.

The NO Section

Extra: Please don’t just jump in my DM’s unless it’s plotting. I don’t do RP in DM’s unless I have okay’d it with the writer. If you do want to RP Tony in a different verse PLEASE tell me.

Extra Extra: No under no reason will he willingly give you Extremis or an Endo-Sym armor. Unless its part of a SL or plot then possibly, but this is a Tony who knows how to work. He won’t give you anything without a price, and that price is usually more than just money. Proceed with caution.

Tying It Up

P.S: If you don’t know anything about comic Tony, but want to RP PLEASE come to me. I know some sites you can read his stuff for free on and anything recent I can tell you about to get you up to speed.

PPS: I know the inverted Tony pretty well. He was always my favourite version of Tony and every book with him I ended up buying. Of course I’m prone to slip ups and do not know everything so bare that in mind. Tips would be helpful if you need.

Have fun: No drama, unless its SL drama. I’m honestly fine to approach as a writer and probably more scared of you than you should be of me.

[feellssss]

Hate comments in my page is just like salt in the tea.

P.S : Gandi baat nai karo yahan.

[socialattractionuk]

Dear men: Please stop using these photos on dating apps

Stop this madness (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Dear Men of Online Dating Apps,

I recently returned to the fold after a four month vacay during which I crashed and burned a budding relationship until its charred remains resembled the detritus at the back of my oven.

But enough about my failings, this is about you.

Newly single and back on the app, I’m experiencing deja vu as I find myself scrolling past the same faces I saw last time I was husband hunting. I mean dating. Whatever.

What are you all still doing here? Why are you all still single? Well actually, I can tell you.

And I am doing this out of kindness, because you’re probably nice men, but you’re shit at using a dating app, so starting with your photos, here’s what you’re doing wrong:

Manspreading in Lycra shorts

Guys, no one wants a preview of your ballsack bound in snug, shiny fabric. Frankly, I don’t want to see you in Lycra from any angle (sorry cyclists) but sitting with your knees apart at 160 degrees is especially unsavoury.

Are you aware that manspreading is about as popular as getting dog poo on your shoe? There’s an odds-on chance that if you do this on the tube, you’ll be photographed and publicly shamed, and everyone on Twitter will hate you.

If you have persuaded a lovely woman to date you, she’ll be embarrassed that she’s seeing The Spreader.

One of the guys exhibiting his meat and two veg on an app has a senior position at a well-known bank. I know this because he’s put his job title and the company he works for in his bio.

Mate, people you work with can see your junk. You’re potentially sabotaging not only your love life, but also your career, so delete the Lycra encased genital displays.

Marathon mugshots

Once I’ve fallen for you, I will look lovingly at your sweaty pink face and arms that haven’t seen enough of the gym – and I shall believe you’re the most handsome man in the world.

But we’re talking first impressions here, and at this stage, I am not wildly drawn to doughy bodies with shiny skin the shade of Spam.

We don’t all photograph well, and that’s ok – you’re not applying for a modelling job. But for the love of God, unless you’re Vin Diesel doing something testosterone fuelled beneath the bonnet of a car, don’t upload any pictures where you’re sweating in a sleeveless top.

In other words: no Marathon photos.

Post pictures where you’re wearing a lovely cashmere Boyfriend Jumper, or a well ironed shirt, with the sleeves rolled up and f*** yeah, I’ll want to undo the rest of the buttons myself. But do not, I repeat DO NOT, post pictures of yourself perspiring in a vest.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Pectoral posturing

Look guys, seriously, can you please keep your clothes on? Some of you are fit, yes. You could probably model underpants, or iron things on your abs. Well done.

The thing is, I don’t want to see you naked unless I like you. And if I like you, it really doesn’t matter if you have a torso that sells pants – I’d rather have a boyfriend who isn’t in the gym every night anyway.

And yeah, we all go to the beach, so I can possibly excuse one shot where you’re emerging from the sea a la Daniel Craig, but if you’ve posted seven selfies in changing room mirrors, with a towel wrapped around your waist, as you visibly strain to tense your pectorals then you need to reassess your profile pictures.

FYI tensing your pecs looks weird.

Fancy dress disasters

What is with the green curly wigs, The Joker face paint and the jail bird stripy lounge suits? These photos might have got the thumbs up on Facebook from fellow stag-do funsters tanked up on Jagermeister, but this is a dating app and I want to know how you’d look if I took you to a wedding as my plus-one.

I need your photos to reflect your wardrobe, so I can be bloody certain you don’t own anything objectionable, like a short sleeved shirt, that could cause my vagina to weld itself shut.

(Picture: Shutterstock/ Ella Byworth)

Memes, sports cars and stallions in lieu of you

You may feel you’re well represented by pictures of a white, sandy Bajan beach, and a meme about some bollocks, but I’m not merging my genes with a few grains of sand, or a Lamborghini.

I need to see what you look like so I know whether I want to make babies with you. My biological instincts to reproduce are not triggered by snapshots of the Grand Canyon so post a picture of your face.

If you’re worried about your colleagues knowing you’re online dating, rest assured they’re doing it too.

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Perfect pictures… but no bio

Ok, so you’re in a dark blue Saville Row suit, with a white Turnbull & Asser Herringbone Sea Island shirt, sitting on a Chesterfield sofa, drinking an Old Fashioned from a lead crystal tumbler. But you don’t have a bio.

Guys, it doesn’t matter how good your photos are (and usually they’re not that good) if you can’t be bothered to write a bio. I’m not sure how hot you think you are, but a profile without a bio is like you’re saying, ‘have you seen me? No words needed!’

No mate, you’re not David Gandy. You’re not even David Brent. Write something.

I hope this helps! I’ll look forward to seeing far better photos.

Besos,

Samantha x

P.S. pictures with your arm around an attractive woman won’t make attractive women want you. Avoid.

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