#p. Santana

[mournfulroses]

Lázaro Santana, translated by Constance Sullivan, from a poem titled "The Past,"

[mysteriousdragon2]

Art trade for @doctordoombignaturals Requested me to draw Santana and Wamuu! Had the freedom of choice in regards to which pose to give them, so I thought that this would be most fitting for them. Wamuu is my favorite Pillar Man I think, he's so courageous and felt like other than Kars, he had a lot of neat character and fights. Santana was introduced early, then when Stroheim was shown too, then got "killed". He a stone trapped in UV lights... But thank you for this art trade, I had a blast. Sorry for the delay!

[tha-wrecka-stow]

[gcik]

[giselle-clarke]

enemies to dog sitters (& kidnappers) ➣ f2f

God, this wine is amazing. Giselle thought to herself as she downed her...third glass, maybe? She'd lost count by now, since she'd gotten so wrapped up in trying not to eye fuck Santana while she'd cooked, and trying to maintain some semblance of her self control — both of which she was failing at already. The only saving grace she'd had was that she'd been able to find that Prada dress Santana had requested she'd wear, and luckily for them both, it still fit like a glove. It hadn't been lost on her the way that her ex's gaze had lingered on her for a little too long when she'd shown up, spennanight bag in town and all, so at least she'd leveled the playing field somewhat.

Her nerves had only started to settle after her second helping of wine, which was expensive and the right kind of oaky, not that she had expected less from a Lopez wine collection. It even came with a smooth finish, the smoothest she'd ever had, so she was enjoying every bit of this. Santana had also kept her word and cooked dinner, even going so far as to make all of Giselle's favorites. If she hadn't been struggling with her feelings before, she sure as hell was now. The only other saving grace was the dog, which she'd had nestled in her lap and had been playing with while dinner was finished. She'd bonded more with the dog than she had with her ex, and although it hadn't been intentional, she'd been playing her feelings as close to the vest as possible..until now.

"You know, before we got here, we skipped a lot of stuff." Giselle pointed out between bites of her food. Pumping her with wine was always the best, or worst, way to get her out of her head. It did lead to her inquisitive nature shining it's light though, and everything she hadn't dared asked or mentioned before was about to start spilling out. "Like who else you dated after me, if you loved anyone else, why you came to college and decided to at least let people other than your parents know you're a lesbian yet you didn't come after me — the basics." Sure, it wasn't what most people would consider the usual bases to cover, but they'd already declared their love for each other so this was as basic as Giselle could start with.

@limalatina

[inkstainedfingersfabray]

Picnic Pals

Tagging: @magicalsantanalopez & @inkstainedfingersfabray Date: June 11th, 2024 Location: Central Park, NYC Summary: Picnic for Two in Central Park Warnings: None

Juliette settled back onto the rainbow gingham picnic blanket, then adjusted the floppy brim of her oversized hat as she took a moment to enjoy the view from her chosen spot. The light breeze tickling the loose strands of hair tucked behind her ears was just enough to take the edge off the heat of the early afternoon air. She would have been fine without it, but she knew that not everyone had her constitution when it came to temperature and she didn't want her expected company to be uncomfortable. Speaking of... Juliette checked her phone in case Santana had texted her while she'd setup, then double checked the relatively large wicker basket she'd prepared for their picnic. Happy to see that nothing had shifted in transit or sprung a leak, Juliette plucked a grape free and popped it into her mouth, letting out a contented hum as the cool, sweet juice filled her mouth. Today was going to be a good day.

[oldinterneticons]

All I want for Christmas is Santana in my bed

[sendmyresignation]

just found out reading the wttbp excerpt from that book about anthems that chris lord-alge produced the song (and the record). which is hilarious bc i have incredible beef with TOM lord-alge’s mixing and he happens to be tom’s older brother lmaoooo. elder sibling superiority strikes again ig.

[buffynha]

Song For You

By gd20

AU. Santana goes on tour with Pink; Brittany is a dancer for Pink. This is the story of what happens between the two over the summer tour.

Rated: Fiction T

Genre: Romance

Pairing: Brittany P., Santana L.

Status: Complete

Chapters: 11

Words: 60,576

Published: Jul 18, 2011

Updated: Dec 5, 2011

[unknownorgan]

apocalyptic lyric, Cintia Santana

[kitstark]

sipping cold coffee on the phone with damaged goods ⇌ kitana

WHO: Kit Stark & Santana Lopez @psusantana

WHERE: Their individual homes

WHEN: Thursday, August 29th

WHY: Kit takes Eva's advice and calls Santana, what follows is the start of the long road to reconciliation and understanding.

WARNINGS: brief mentions of childhood (implied sexual) assault

KIT STARK

Kit wasn't sure this was smart. But they also didn't really know what else to do. The only thing they had a strong enough grasp on lately was their feelings for Santana. And that wasn't exactly the best thing. And Eva suggesting they drunk call her… well, they weren't drunk, but anyone would be hard pressed to say they were sober. So, they did the stupid thing. They hit call. They weren't sure what they were going to say if she actually picked up, but they figured they'd figure it out. Besides, what was the chance she'd actually pick up anyway?

SANTANA LOPEZ

After one hell of a busy day, Santana had come home and decided to indulge in some much needed rest and relaxation. Well, the relaxation part anyways. She didn't know where her sister was but after ordering dinner and scarfing it down, she had just poured herself another glass of wine when she heard her phone ringing. Expecting it to be literally anyone else, she furrowed her brows when she read a name she hadn't been expecting. And before she could talk herself out of it, she decided to answer it. "Is this a booty call?" She asked.

KIT STARK

Well fuck. "I thought we already agreed I wasn't supposed to do that?" The retort came easy because it was the only thing they knew they could say. They didn't know why they'd bothered to call, but it certainly wasn't for that. They weren't in any place to do that, much less with her. This was certainly going to be one of those nights where they were winging it all the way. Didn't even need to hope for the best, really. Could even hope for the worst, probably. "Not that I would even if we hadn't."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana bit back a smile as Kit confirmed that this wasn't a booty call, meaning that they had meant it when they agreed not to do that. At least they were on the same page, mostly anyways. Taking another sip of her wine, she was a little more confused when Kit went on to clarify that they really weren't trying to cross the line. "Good to know, but..what is this then?" She questioned. "For once, this isn't me being a bitch, I'm just surprised that you called me."

KIT STARK

Kit sighed. Why were they calling? Because Eva had said to? Because some part of them wondered if she'd agree to actually punch them and follow through with it? "I don't know. Just… felt like I should or needed to or…. something." Maybe it was the same reason they'd once called her while things were still good. Because talking to her just made things make sense sometimes. "This was stupid." They muttered, more to themself than to her. August 30, 2024

SANTANA LOPEZ

"You felt like you should or needed to?" Santana repeated, and if she hadn't already been insanely confused before, she sure was now. They hadn't exactly been on bad terms right now, but were they at the talking on the phone as…friends stage? She didn't really think so, but they were here now. "Are you okay? Or is tonight like a bad night or something?" She still had no understanding of whatever was going on with them, but it felt like a fair place to start.

KIT STARK

"I-" Was tonight a bad night? At first thought, it wasn't. Not any worse than usual anyway. But, it still wasn't great. And thinking about her and everything as of late certainly hadn't helped the way they felt. "Maybe? I guess I just feel more disconnected from myself than usual." Which was saying a lot, given their state of existence. "Talking with you used to mitigate that. Guess some part of me figured as stupid an idea as it was that it couldn't hurt. Worst you could do was hang up or decide you'd rather hit me." They shrugged a little, unsure why they'd actually said all that, even if it was true.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Without knowing exactly what the issue was, Santana didn't know how she was supposed to understand any of this enough to be of any real help, yet she still sighed when Kit tried to explain themselves anyways. This wasn't how she expected things to be between them when she'd heard they were back on campus, but she could tell they were struggling, and she wasn't going to kick them while they were down. Not entirely anyways. "I could hit you if you were here." She pointed out. "But since you're not, why don't you tell me about this Jill bitch?"

KIT STARK

Kit bit their tongue when she mentioned hitting them if they were there, deciding it was best not to comment on that. They wanted to. Void certainly wanted them to. But they wouldn't. "Dr. Jill Murphy-Stevens, was Jill Montgomery when I met her but that's mostly irrelevant. We were neighbors while I was at Carnegie Mellon and she and her roommate were at U of Pitt. Six foot one on a bad day. Sassy as all hell and knew what she wanted and how to get it. And what she wanted, was to be treated like a princess. Taken care of and spoiled. She didn't have the bite of later partners, didn't have as much spunk and defiance in the bedroom, but that's a more recently acquired taste anyway." Not wholly because of Santana, but they imagined now that it would be something of a requirement in later partners, because of Santana. "Without getting into her specific kinks or what she's doing with herself now, there's not much more to say. She was my first serious partner, who I realized I liked service with. She set that foundation for me. That the few other serious partners and in some days the simply sexual partners I've had since have simply built on." They'd only had one or two other relationships besides Jill and Santana, because of how they lived life in NYC, but their sexual partners were numerous enough.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana didn’t know what to expect by giving Kit something to talk about that wasn’t their relationship or whatever was going on with them, but clearly opening the floor for more Jill talk was..progress. She refilled her wine glass as she let them ramble, sipping on it more and more as she somehow managed not to get jealous as she listened. Normally she probably would have, but the woman was married and Kit wasn’t hers anymore, so she didn’t mind it. Once they finished, she hummed dramatically. “She sounds lovely, really. Glad you two stayed friends after you broke up. However, that ask you responded to still wasn’t about her, so are you ready to just admit that it was about me?”

KIT STARK

Kit sighed. "Of course it was about you. You're special and I fucked it all up but I'm not stupid enough to not know what I lost. Or think that I'll ever actually get over you." Well, in time they might, but, "it's hard enough getting over a relationship as one person, much less two." The words were out of their mouth without even thinking, but they just prayed they'd been quiet enough that she didn't hear anything more than mumbling. Because that was not the conversation this should be, even if it was constantly eating them alive, her not knowing. Everyone else it was so easy to keep that from, but she'd been their safe space and they wanted so desperately for her to know and understand that none of it had been on purpose, that it had nothing to do with her, even if that didn't fix anything between them.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Pausing at Kit's revelation, Santana was sure that she'd misheard them. They had gone around in circles trying to insinuate that it wasn't exactly about her, just to come clean now and even say something she hadn't been expected. And then they added onto that, and although she'd wished she hadn't quite heard what they'd said, she did. Gulping the wine in her glass down, she had to take a minute or two to process what Kit had said before she was stretching out on her couch. "Well, at least we can agree that I'm a fucking limited edition." She teased, deciding that maybe a little joking would calm both of their nerves a little bit. "As for the other stuff…I answered your phone call, didn't I?"

KIT STARK

"And I'm a stubborn pain in the ass on a good day, what's new?" They played into the teasing, because it was comfortable, it was something they knew, and it was the truth. "Sure, but… Did you hear it? And are you willing to hear that out right now? I can't force you and I'd be lying if I said I hate that you don't know, but it's not the kind of thing I want you to agree to listen to just because it's eating me alive. I know you don't owe me shit and yes you answered my call but that doesn't mean you have to hear me out."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana smiled at Kit played right into her teasing, which at least seemed to help just a tad bit, which was better than nothing at this point. But what she hadn't expected was for them to try to open that door tonight. Maybe she should have foreseen such when she hadn't flat out ignored their comment, but it wasn't like she could run from it forever either. "Kit, it's okay." She stated, inhaling and then exhaling a small breath. "I did hear you, and although I have no idea what I'm about to hear, we can do this now." Would she ever truly be ready to make sense of what went wrong with them? Probably not. Yet it was killing Kit so she figured now was as good of a time as any. "I'm ready."

KIT STARK

Kit sighed, sitting up in bed, moving to prop themself up against their headboard, grabbing one of their stuffed sharks, resting their head on it. "The reason I seemed like a different person at the end is because, I was. Sort of. I'm what they call a system. It's a disassociative disorder thing." They knew they needed to do this slowly. Go bit by bit. Let her decide if she was ready for more of it, because they didn't want to overwhelm her, or themself.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Listening intently as Kit slowly started to explain what had happened, Santana couldn't help but feel somewhat sorry for them. It did answer her own question as to why they'd switched up on her in the end, and she was relieved to know that it wasn't her own fault at least. "Dissociative disorder? Is that like..the same as multiple personality disorder? Or close to it, I guess?"

KIT STARK

"It's the same family of disorders, yes. Multiple Personality Disorder is now more commonly referred to as DID, which is Dissociative Identity Disorder. Most people with dissociative disorders typically get an OSDD diagnosis, which is Other Specified Dissociative Disorder, due to there being extremely strict guidelines for being diagnosed with DID that most don't fit fully into." Kit explained, glad that she seemed to be willing to continue, at least for now.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana nodded along as she listened, trying to piece all of this new information together now. Her knowledge of the disorder was limited, and she couldn't even recall anyone she'd ever met that had it, so she was at quite a loss for how to even deal with this sort of thing going forward. "So you fully fit into the DID guidelines?" She asked. "Or do you not fit the guidelines but you still sort of fall under the category anyways?"

KIT STARK

"Given Void's nature, as well as a few of my other alters, I was diagnosed with DID. Had Void not been primarily who was fronting at the time of diagnosis, I imagine I wouldn't have been, since the biggest key difference between DID and OSDD 1b, is blackouts. Memory loss. I have total memory loss anytime Void fronts on its own and all or some when others front, except for Guardian." Kit wasn't sure any of this would make sense to her, but they couldn't entirely stop now. They were just trying to answer her questions the best they could.

SANTANA LOPEZ

As soon as Kit started to name their dissociative identities and symptoms, Santana was sure that her head was spinning now as she tried to keep up with them. She could at least make sense of why Kit had stopped being Kit and why she'd felt like she was dating a different person sometimes. "Okay, whoa, wait — is Void..is that who I was dating when shit got bad?" Did she really want an answer to that? Probably not, but she'd been wanting answers since their break up so this was her chance to get them.

KIT STARK

"That is a simple question with a complicated answer. Void is who you broke up with, the one who didn't like being touched, who pulled away and panicked every time something tried to go anywhere. But, I was still there, at times, when I couldn't remember things you'd told me or places we'd been, things we did. Guardian started taking over then too, because they could sort of remember and them fronting, either fully or with me, kept me safe. It wasn't until I couldn't front at all, that my life actually imploded. When people couldn't deny that I wasn't me." Kit rubbed the fin of their plushie between their fingers, not at all surprised to find Hel pressing her snoot against their leg, indicating that they were approaching an anxiety attack if they weren't careful. They gave her head scritches, trying to reassure her they were okay. Even if they weren't sure of that.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Sighing as she took everything in, Santana had more questions now, but she didn't want to bombard them since she was sure that this was already a lot for them. Hell, it was a lot for her just hearing all of this now, so she couldn't imagine what living with it was like for Kit. "I don't want to overwhelm you, but how many of them are there? Do they all have names, did I like..witness them all before we broke up?" She started rambling before shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I'm sure this is a lot for you, and I'm not trying to be pushy or force you to explain everything in one night, I'm just..trying to understand."

KIT STARK

"I like that you're trying to understand." Was the first thing Kit said, the softest of smiles on their face. They knew she didn't have to, but they appreciated that she was. It helped them feel better about this. "As far as how many, myself included there's either six or seven of us that are fully formed enough that the rest of the system is aware of us, and us them. We aren't sure on that number because one swears he split, but we can't prove that, because that supposed other alter hasn't show himself. We aren't sure he's not just lying, he's a dick like that. As for how many you've met, just the three of us. Kit, Guardian, and Void. Guardian's the bite-y, kind of possessive one." Kit explained, moving so Hel could lay her head in their lap. "Paras didn't return to headspace until after I was getting help, same with the one who says he split, and the last one, I pray you never have to meet her, because it will mean something very bad has happened. Not that I want you to meet the dick, either, but you could take his ass any day."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana was thankful that Kit seemed to be okay with her wanting to understand, but she still didn't want to push them too much. Honestly, this was too much for her to even be dealing with after a long ass day and two, or three, glasses of wine, yet they had opened this door and she wasn't gonna run out of it now. Running was her usual plan of action yet considering how long they'd avoided this talk, she had to deal with it. "So I can handle all of them except for this one? And what do you mean something bad has happened? Something like what, Kit?" She asked, trying to hide the slight panic in her tone. "You can't just say that and not tell me what that means or what signs to possibly look for if this one is..fronting?"

KIT STARK

"It's not that you couldn't handle her, but I don't know if she'd respond well to you. We don't really know who she'd respond to. Maybe our brother, Charles, but we can't be certain." Kit took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Her name is Katie. Physically, she stopped aging at ten. Mentally, best guess is five or six. Around when Guardian first formed. She's our core. Who the worst of the trauma actually happened to. I got the tail end of it. We've only had her front once in all this, when Jeremiah, or the Rat or whatever his fucking name is, first tried fronting. Void attacked him Katie found out that Void had those memories, which she gave to me but apparently I couldn't handle them so Void got them, and… she kicked all of us out of the front, kept us out, therapist says it was hours before she calmed down enough for anyone to make it back to the front. I was out for three days after. Katie doesn't understand what we are, I don't think so, anyway. But if she fronts it means that the body has been trigged so badly that even she is lashing out."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Whatever Santana was imagining this other identity to be, the way her jaw dropped as she listened to Kit's explanation proved that she had been so far off base here. Sure, all of this was insanely foreign to her anyways, but this thing sounded like it was practically a kid who didn't know how to handle their emotions and threw somewhat of a tantrum when they had been triggered. "And now I see why you don't want me to meet Katie. Anything kid-adjacent is not my forte and I'd probably just go full Diabla on it, so yeah, let's not ever have me meet that one." She sighed. "This is…a hell of a lot to take in. I knew you looked like hell for a reason, but I didn't know you were practically living in hell. Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

KIT STARK

Kit chuckled a little. "Yeah, no one should meet Katie, for the sake of us as a person. and I pray Paras can be kept back as well. They're not as young and are far more easily dealt with, but they're still little at the end of the day and we don't need to scare them, more than they scare themself by trying to front during horror movies." Paras was entirely too curious for their own good, but now that they knew how to schedule time for Paras to front it was easier. But anytime dinosaurs were mentioned things got hairy. "I was completely unaware of any of this. I knew I had blackouts, that I had weird memory loss, but I chalked it up to bad habits and stupid decisions. Anything to keep myself in denial about reality, I guess. Void's job was to keep me functional as a human being, it didn't know how to explain to you what was happening, so it didn't. It had more important things to focus on, like keeping the body alive and minimizing damage to things like our career. And it tried its best with you, but it just wasn't able to give you what you needed and it didn't know if it could tell you and how that might come back to harm me and the rest of the system."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"But you can't control them, right?" Santana hummed. "Or you can't control when a different one is trying to front?" That could sort of explain what happened with them and why things hadn't made much sense back then, since she'd assume that if Kit had the option to front and could push the rest of the back then they would have fought to save their relationship, or even their friendship at least. The plus side right now was that she knew the truth about what had gone wrong with them, and she was relieved to know that it wasn't her…for once, anyways. "Right, but..you're Kit now, aren't you? Does this mean Void gave you those memories back, or did it just tell you what happened back then?" Santana didn't know if freely talking about their past was going to trigger anything, or anyone she should say, but she was trying to be calm about it anyways. "And other than Void, how does anyone know who's fronting? How do you even know at the time? Are you just kinda present, but then also having some sort of out of body experience type thing?" August 31, 2024

KIT STARK

"Correct. But we know what triggers most of us. At least enough that we can try and keep that from happening. Guardian is the best at this. At keeping others at bay, or fronting with them to minimize damage." Kit hummed a little. "I won't ever have those memories, I have to rely on what Void and Guardian have told me. I know we fucked up with you. Whether I had control or not, we fucked up. I fucked up. And I want to be able to apologize for that, in a more direct way, but you would have to be willing to walk me through the end. Not now, mind you, but eventually, if you so feel up to it." Kit knew it was asking a lot, but they did want her side of things. "We don't always know at the time, actually. When you came by, I was co-fronting with Void, primarily letting it take the lead. Until it started acting up, then I pushed it back. But, yes, if we are aware of what's happening but not fronting, it's watching yourself say and do things and not being able to do anything at all about it. There's ways to force others from the front, but it can be very hard. And sometimes, you just leave the front of headspace on purpose because everything is too much and someone else should handle all that. Not nearly as relaxing as it sounds, mind you, but useful."

SANTANA LOPEZ

The more Santana took the information in, the more she was sure that she'd need Kit to spend days walking her through all of it, through what a detailed moment was like when a different one was fronting, but she knew now wasn't the time. She was feeling a handful of emotions now that she had an idea of what had been at fault for things playing out like they did, and she was only getting more and more curious as Kit continued clarifying things, but she didn't need to keep throwing all of these questions at them in one night. "I'm sorry." She muttered. Even if Kit had been going through the worst kind of hell with all of this, apologizing was still hard for Santana, still leaving a bitter taste in her mouth the few times she'd ever managed to get the words out. "One day, I'll walk you through the end, but…I don't know, maybe we should just take all this a little slower, or only cover so much in a day? I don't want to keep blurting out a hundred questions and send you spiraling, or trigger one of the others, but there is just so much here that needs to be unpacked." She whined.

KIT STARK

"Thank you, but I promise you have done nothing to warrant being sorry." Kit knew those words were hard for her, they didn't wish to simply dismiss them, but they also didn't think she needed to be. She had done what she deemed was right for the time, with the information she had. Kit could not fault her for that. "It doesn't have to be now, or anytime soon, or even ever. You're allowed to protect yourself just as much as I am. You're allowed to tell me to stop. You're allowed to say it's too much for you. I thank you for even hearing me out this far." They smiled softly. "I know how to end things I'm not ready for. I've got Hel on standby. Knowing you want to understand has helped more than I know how to express. You were always such a safe space and I never told you that enough. But you've certainly reinforced that tonight." They hummed a little. "Do you want to be done for tonight or is there something else you feel you need?"

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana sighed as Kit reassured her that she didn't need to be sorry. While she knew that everything she'd done then had been a reaction to Kit, or Void, pushing her away, she still felt slightly awful that she hadn't been able to stick around to get this side of the story back then. Nodding along as Kit gave her a vocal appreciation just for taking this all in and giving them a chance to start diving into this, she felt butterflies forming in the pit of her stomach when they mentioned her being a safe space for them. "This is all gonna take sometime to fully digest, but I'm open to trying to understand as much of this as possible, just in small doses." She admitted. "But yeah, I think we should pause here for tonight, just to let us both breathe and adjust to even some of it being out there in the open now."

KIT STARK

"I'm still trying to digest it some days, so you're not alone in that." There we days Kit still struggled with their identity, with being a system. With everything that had been discovered to be wrong or different with them since. There were so many things that no one could tell which came first. But the general consensus was that being a system certainly hadn't made this things any better. "I think you're right. Do you want to stay on for a little bit, tell me about how you're feeling about this or even just what you've been up to? I just want to know you're okay." It was after care, really. Wanting to know she was okay. Wanting to help her through it. Didn't matter if this wasn't sex, it was something heavy and a lot and that was taxing. Kit wanted to make sure she was safe before they hung up.

SANTANA LOPEZ

This was way too much to be trying to digest in one night, but hearing that Kit was still trying to get a handle on all of it too was…reassuring? Maybe that wasn't the right way to look at it since Kit had been battling this for a while now and they were still struggling, but Santana didn't feel as bad being so damn clueless about it all now. Even the explanations were going to take a full day or two to sink in, so she'd try to make more sense of it tomorrow. She found herself smiling as the self care side of Kit kicked in again, which she felt like she hadn't experienced in far too long so it was nice to have that again, even if it were just for tonight. "Thank you for asking, but I'm not okay. I mean, I wasn't entirely okay before this conversation, but finding out all of this and learning that you didn't push me away because of something I did is only adding to the mess of emotions I'm already dealing with. And I'm not blaming you right now, I'm just…I have so much shit I need to sort out too."

KIT STARK

Kit nodded as she spoke. "You wanna talk some of it out? Or is there anything I can do right now, in this moment, to make it easier? I might not be able to fix it or make it better for long, but I gotta know you're not gonna get off this call and break down. Even if we don't talk about any of that, even if all we do is talk about meaningless shit for a while." They didn't like that they'd added to her stress, even if she wasn't blaming them for it. They wanted to do something to alleviate some of it. Even if only for the moment. "And don't be a brat and try and argue that I don't need to. You're not going to convince me of that."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana had been struggling for weeks now with her own shit, and keeping it in the family, or families, had only been adding to her spiraling. And Kit was being genuinely concerned, that much she knew, and she could only roll her eyes playfully when they called out the brat thing. "You don't need to, just so we're clear." She whined, sitting up on her couch now. "You also can't fix it because that's my job to do, I'm just..afraid of fucking it up or making things worse." She admitted with a shaky breath. "Only the families involved know this, but..I have a kid. A daughter. And before a few weeks ago, I hadn't seen her or her father since I gave birth and handed her over to him and his mom, but now they're right here and she wants to get to know me, but I'm not fit to be a mom. That's why I gave her up in the first place, and I've already managed to fuck it up once so I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

KIT STARK

"Yes I do, hush." They tilted their head a little, listening as she explained the situation. Santana having a child was shocking but not her giving it up. "That is certainly a lot to be dealing with. But, you do know you don't have to be her mom to be in her life, right? You aren't being asked to be her mom, I imagine. But… how did you fuck it up? Walk me through that."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana was probably expecting some sort of judgment in response yet Kit hadn’t done any of that, which somehow settled her nerves a little bit. “Puck invited me to his birthday cookout, and I thought I could handle seeing her again for the first time — but I don’t know, I also thought that maybe he kept my identity a secret and she didn’t know I was her mom. But the way that kid looked at me when she saw me just…I panicked and I left without saying a word to her. Apparently now she thinks there’s something wrong with her since I can’t even be around her, and Puck chewed me out before demanding that I apologize to her in person. But I can’t promise that I won’t just run away again.”

KIT STARK

Kit listened quietly, but wasn't all too surprised they felt themself gently pushed to the side. Guardian was good with kids, had formed exclusively to protect Katie. They knew a decent amount about a lot of things, actually. "You went in blind. That's not wholly on you. And while I can't say I fault him for being upset with you, he also plays a hand in that." Guardian reassured. "Now, would it be easier in a setting where you could have support? Where the ground is far more equal? Where it's not you being forced into a place where fleeing is your only option?"

SANTANA LOPEZ

Listening to Kit, Santana was sure that this was hands down the best advice she'd gotten thus far. Puck's advice hadn't been that bad either, but it was also from the perspective of a protective dad so it had only added to her negative feelings about herself. "Oddly enough, I don't blame him. I chose to show up knowing she'd be there. And I've been sending her gifts every single year for her birthday and Christmas so of course she'd want to know shit about me. And I'm not afraid of anything else, so why does a 15 year old scare the shit out of me?" She asked, though she knew why facing the consequences of her actions scared her. "I offered, or more so demanded, that I take him and the kid shopping for school supplies, mostly so I can't just run away since I'm going to pick them up, but actually forcing myself to drive there is the hurdle I need to jump over first."

KIT STARK

Guardian hummed a little as Santana spoke. Simply taking in the information being presented to them. Letting her talk it out. "What if I drive you? Or you can have someone else do it. But, what if you remove the ability to run completely and you can't make up an excuse as to why you didn't show, because someone else is holding you accountable?"

SANTANA LOPEZ

"You know I hate the accountability thing." Santana groaned. "But I don't know, maybe I do need someone else to be there to hold me accountable. To make sure I don't break my kid's heart more than I already have." She hummed. "But Kit, you don't have to do it. I can make Mari do it."

KIT STARK

"Yes, how dare a brat face the consequences of her actions." They teased. "But it can be good for you, especially in this case. As for not having to do it, you ask Mari, and if she can't or won't, then you tell us and we'll do it. Least we can do."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana smirked at that. "This is a different kind of consequence though. Having me as a mom can ruin a kid, or turn her into a mini Diabla, which no one needs." She pointed out. "And thank you, but you don't have to take care of me, you know? I can force Mari to drive me. You don't really owe me anything, Kit..or Guardian, right?"

KIT STARK

"You don't have to be a mother to her to be in her life. Unless you're looking to get back with Puck, then that's a completely separate set of scenarios. She can know you gave birth to her, she can even want you in her life, but that does not mean you have to be her mother, nor do I think it would be as disastrous and you're thinking it will be, especially not with her in her teen years already. Nurture plays a bigger part in life than a lot of people want to give it credit for." Which explained so much of the system's surface level issues, but that was entirely besides the point. Though was certainly one that came up in therapy often enough. "Maybe we don't, but that's what we do for people we care about, and you are still one of those people. Are you going to be good and not then force her to take you home if you have second thoughts? Not to discredit any willpower she may have, but she does still live with you, does she not?" Guardian smirked, chuckling a little. "It's a pleasure to meet you, officially, which feels odd to say, knowing our past, but… It is."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana shrugged as she took in their advice. "I was never with Puck like that, we just met and fucked around for a few days before I went back home and found out I was pregnant. And I don't know what the kid wants, that's what scares me. Even if I don't want to be a mom, what if that's what she wants in one capacity or another? Besides, I'm not 16 now. I'm an adult, I have a successful career and now I have a part time teaching gig. Clearly I've come a long way since my days of being a menace, so what if she expects me to be ready now?" The "what ifs" were exactly what had been eating at her lately, even if she didn't want to admit it. And as much as she loved her sister, she was aware that Mari would peel out of there if she sensed Santana being too scared. "Yeah, it's nice to meet you too, and you're not wrong. I can't rely on my sister to hold me accountable, so…you can drive me."

KIT STARK

Guardian listened quietly. "Breathe, San. You are not obligated to be anything more to her than you are capable of. You gave her up to give her a life you knew you couldn't give her yourself. As much as failing to live up to her expectations may hurt her, though I doubt she expects such from you, if we're being honest, you aren't obligated to fulfill that role in her life. And no one can force you to do so, either." Guardian knew this was a complex case and maybe the girl wanted for a motherly figure, but that didn't mean she'd go looking for it in the person who already long since admitted she wasn't such. "Good. When?"

SANTANA LOPEZ

Taking in the offered advice, Santana sighed. "Do you always tend to be right?" She whined, and now she was curious as to who was fronting any time she tried arguing with Kit, even over the dumbest shit. "We just said one day this weekend, but maybe Sunday? That way, if it all goes to shit, I'll drink the rest of the day away and then sleep in all day Monday." She decided. It wasn't the best plan, and certainly not the way to handle her problems, but it was her usual way of drowning her sorrows. "Thank you. Before you say it, I know I don't have to thank you, and I know you think that it's the least you could do for me after everything, but this really means a lot."

KIT STARK

Guardian chuckled. "I'm a knowledge and logic based being." They didn't know everything, but they knew a lot and they especially knew how to apply logic to situations where emotions were high. They weren't right all the time, but they were most of the time. "A questionable choice, but we're free either way. You get up with Puck and let us know for sure." Guardian wanted to comment on how unhealthy such actions were, but they knew it would fall in deaf ears and Kit often wasn't much better, so they didn't have room to talk. "You're welcome, San. And I'm not Kit, I don't argue for the sake of it. Even if I also believe such."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"Does that mean that you know a lot?" Santana questioned curiously. Should she be asking questions and getting to know one of the other identities? She wasn't entirely sure, but they all knew her so it was only fair, in her opinion. And when Guardian pointed out a way that they weren't like Kit, her curiosity got the better of her. "Noted. But being that you're not Kit, and I know Void was the one who broke us up, what exactly was your role in all of this? Besides the after care stuff, right?"

KIT STARK

"I do. We were a bit of a professional student for a reason. I also tended to do a lot of research about all sorts of things when I could get away with it. I fronted heavily when it was just Katie and I, and it was a lot of us reading above our age, because it seems I don't age traditionally. The more I know, the older I feel." Guardian explained, more than happy to answer her questions. "Kit mentioned the biting, wasn't always me, but… when they lingered longer. The name only we could call you, that was me. The possession, that was me, more than it was ever Kit. And, aftercare depended on which of us was fronting, though I was often present either way. It started more as curiosity, as it always has, but the longer I watched, the more I wanted to know. I'd met the previous partners, but you were different, especially for Kit and I wanted to know why."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"Good to know." Santana nodded, and she would keep that in mind should she need to ask Guardian anything that wasn't about their relationship or whatever. When they clarified which parts of the relationship were them, or mostly them anyways, she furrowed her brows as she tried to think back on certain memories. "But why was I different? And were you that possessive over the other partners, or was it just me? Oh, and the biting? You're definitely not getting any complaints from me about that. In fact, I kind of preferred it, after a while. But was that a just for me thing too?"

KIT STARK

"I cannot say why you were different, that is a question only Kit can answer. But, you are the only one I was ever with, intimately." Guardian had always watched. Had fronted when they could or needed to, but never in intimate moments. Not until Santana. Guardian wasn't sure what made this woman different for Kit, but that difference was felt for the whole system, or at least the three of them that were more often fronting. It was also why Void had still tried so hard and felt so bad. And it was why Guardian and Kit would be taking a really long time alone, before trying again.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana didn't know why she suddenly felt a warmth come over her when Guardian admitted that she was the only partner they had been with intimately. Did they know they were stroking her ego? Maybe, but maybe not. Kit would never live this down though, that she was sure of. "Okay, but why were you only intimate with me? I mean let's be real, I'm hot and amazing in bed, I know that very well, but what about Jill or one of the others? And wait, when I came by, Kit said they wouldn't be hooking up with anyone else so like..is that because of all of you?"

KIT STARK

"I never saw a reason to in the past. Whatever made you different for Kit made you far more interesting to me and, in time, I found myself desiring such. So, I did." Guardian shrugged. Santana was a puzzle that Guardian had wanted to figure out. And all that had done was get them wrapped up in something that now ached to think about, because it was gone. "You are part of that, yes. However, we can't guarantee Void won't slip to the front during those times, now that it is more active again and the poor dear doesn't need more of a reason to hate itself than it already does."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"Can Kit hear all of this or whatever? I need to know so they won't be surprised when I'm bragging about it later." Santana taunted, though she would honestly be mentioning it again, and again, so Kit better have been ready for it. "But it's good to know that you desired me too. Also won't be letting you live that down either, just so we're clear. But uh…have any of you tried unpacking why Void apparently doesn't like the whole intimacy thing?" She asked before shaking her head. "Actually, don't answer that. That might make me revert back to being a bitch to all of you, so maybe it's best if I don't know."

KIT STARK

"They are more than aware and I imagine are rolling their eyes." Guardian chuckled, the eye roll not entirely voluntary. Kit did have some control, after all. "Void holds the memories of the body being assaulted as child. And I know you told me not to tell you, but I'd rather we get that out of the way now, as it is no laughing matter and if it is something you'd be unkind about, it's best we know now." Their voice was steeled as they spoke, hand curling into Hel's fur for a few moments. Guardian didn't think she would, but it was a precaution that felt necessary, because this was not so far along that they couldn't back out safely now. It would suck, sure, but better to know than allow themselves to get close to her, just find that pain mocked or otherwise turned against them.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana's eyes widened as the mention of an assault, and she hopped up from her couch to go and refill her wine glass. "All of you should know me well enough to know that I'd never laugh about something like that, nor would I ever be an asshole about it later. But are you sure you wanna tell me about this? Right now?" She asked, filling the glass to the brim before she was starting to gulp it down.

KIT STARK

"I had to make sure. It's a hard topic for the system, but I refuse to allow Void to be mocked for how it is." Guardian took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly. "This is not my story to tell, nor do I imagine it will ever do so, but it is why it does not enjoy physical touch, much less intimacy. And it'd be best if you were careful regarding such from here on out, even if it wasn't meant in a cruel or unkind way."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"That didn't really tell me much." Santana pointed out. "But I guess I'm just…confused. How did the intimacy happen before, but then it all just kind of stopped? Did I do something wrong? Or I don't know, did I somehow trigger some sort of bad memories without knowing that I did?" Again, she probably didn't need to be asking questions she was afraid to hear the answer for, but it wasn't like she could just put it off now.

KIT STARK

"It was never happening with Void. Kit and myself, yes. Either separately or while we were co-fronting, but never with Void around. You had nothing to do with Void coming to the front. But it did get stuck there. It wasn't able to switch out. At least not consistently. The body was unwell and the mind followed. Just, in our case, Void is who keeps us going. It is the autopilot, the last line of defense." Guardian knew they were getting back into deep territory, but they would continue because they had to.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana sighed as she processed the information, and while she didn't take any of it as her being at fault for Void fronting and getting stuck there, she still felt like she was guilty of something. "Why didn't Void just talk to me? Even if it didn't tell me about the assault, why not just tell me that something was up and it couldn't be intimate with me anymore instead of letting me think that there was clearly something wrong with me?" She huffed, and while she wasn't mad, she was feeling all sorts of emotions now, even if they weren't directly aimed at Guardian or Kit.

KIT STARK

"Last I checked, Void doesn't dislike anyone but itself and The Rat." Guardian didn't care to call Jeremiah by his name. Until he could prove what he swears is true they simply did not care. And perhaps wouldn't even care then. He was a danger to the system and that's all Guardian cared about. "Void's job when it first formed was survival. Survival included concealment. No one was to know Void wasn't Kit. Because Kit couldn't know what was going on. That same mentality is the one it held in all of this. And we acknowledge that Void did things under Kit's name that hurt you. It's why we all want to fix that, though our methods are all very different. And Voids are bound to be the least productive." Guardian sighed, head falling back against the headboard with a quiet thunk.

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana raised a brow at The Rat comment but decided not to press them on it right now. Maybe later, or never, but not right now. She listened as Guardian explained why Void had done what it had done, and she was at least grateful that all of the other identities seemed to feel guilty for Void hurting her, which kinda helped ease some of her anger and resentment towards them. "Okay, this is…a lot, but I guess it's a good start to trying to get me to forgive you." She hummed. "But I think this has been more than enough for one night, so maybe we should just pause here."

KIT STARK

"I agree. I certainly didn't mean to get back on this subject." Guardian was tired. The whole body was. These types of things always took it out of them. But, at least it was night and once they were sure they could get off the call safely, they'd likely be quick to medicate and sleep. "And, thanks again, for hearing us out, and while Void may wish for you to punch us in the face, and I'm still not sure it can be ruled out as something that may still happen, thanks for not doing so that day. I also hear you thought I looked good at the party."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"It's okay. This is a lot, for all of you and for me, so it's just gonna take some time to cover everything. And if I'm ever asking too many questions, you can always tell me to shut the fuck up." Santana offered, and while she wasn't sure Guardian would do such a thing, she figured that maybe Void would. Smirking at the bit about the punching thing, which still wasn't entirely off the table, she was sure that she would ask who was fronting before she did it if it came to that. "You're welcome. Whoever chose to dress you that day made you look pitiful, so I couldn't bring myself to do it then. We'll see how I feel next time I see you though. And uh…you picked out that outfit for that stupid party? But I didn't say you looked good, I said you looked better than you did when I stopped by. There's a difference." She lied.

KIT STARK

"We know how to stop things that go too far. Don't you worry about that." Guardian chuckled slightly. "That was Void. It likes its Sanrio and comfy clothes and it was certainly feeling sorry for itself, though that's not anything new when it comes to you." Guardian squinted as she spoke. "I was fronting for the party, and the only reason we went. Kit had some say in what we wore, because they're more into the astrology thing than I am, but yes. And sure, just like that ask answer was about Jill."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"You can't tell me not to worry about it. Now that I kinda know what's going on, I'm gonna worry about you. All of you." Santana pointed out. She didn't know why Void was still feeling sorry all this time later, but maybe her listening and being open to moving forward with them would help. "I guess you have some pretty decent taste then. As for Jill, that doesn't work anymore. It's one thing for Kit to have been attracted to me, but now that I know that even you couldn't resist wanting me, my ego is as big as fucking Jupiter. So thank you!"

KIT STARK

"Much as we worry about you, but we do know how to end things that are too much. Even if that means safe wording. Might be the weirdest time to use it, but we'd figure out a way to end the topic effectively." Knowing Santana would be worried for them made Guardian feel some such way, as most things involving Santana still did. But they pushed it down. This wasn't the time to think about that. "I am, if nothing else, a well dressed shark." Guardian smirked. "Doesn't mean I don't know you well enough to know when you're lying about finding me hot. Might work for simple minded fools who can't read between lines, but not me."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"You guys have a safe word for that?" Santana hummed. At Guardian's remark, she tried not to smirk in response. "Okay well dressed shark, you need to give Void some pointers. Looking like a disheveled mess is not a cute look." She hummed. "And so what? Even if I did find you hot that night, I was also drinking and hiding from you, so it doesn't matter anyways. And besides, weren't you flirting with other women or something anyways?"

KIT STARK

"No, but you happen to know our safe word for other things, so it's not entirely outside the realm of things we could use." Guardian pointed out. "Void cannot keep a single age for long and tends to slide more child like if left in front long enough outside a crisis. There's no point giving fashion advice to a dysphoric child, whose dysphoria is quite literally about being a shapeless and, technically, bodyless mass. We're lucky it seems to have found something other than oversized hoodies to wear." Void didn't have good days anymore. Didn't have days where it wanted to dress up, but Santana didn't need to know it even had those days before. "Oh, it more than matters. And no, I wasn't. I primarily stuck to playing videos with Sam and anyone else who wandered by and wanted to play. No point flirting, didn't need to have people take it the wrong way."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana nodded. "Right, so if it comes to that, you'll just use our safe word? Got it, I'll make sure to keep that in mind." It was smart, at least with her since she'd recognize the safe word and know to stop her interrogation, so it was a pretty good plan. She chewed on the inside of her cheek and Guardian gave another rundown of Void, and while she would have understood the oversized hoodie attire, she figured them wearing something other than that was…better? More suitable in LA heat? Something like that. She'd let that slide…for now. When they admitted that they weren't flirting with any other women, she shrugged. "Oh? Well, that's…totally boring. But even if you were flirting with other women, I wouldn't care because you can do that. You should do that, just when you're all in a better place and ready for it, you know?"

KIT STARK

"Yeah, can't imagine old Italian families should come up naturally in the conversations we need to have." Guardian still didn't know why Kit chose Medici as their safe word, but it was effective and something that was ultimately easily accessible to anyone who may need it. Guardian's head tilted as she spoke. They weren't sure what her angle was here, but it didn't entirely matter, they were sure. "Should we find the need or the want to do so, I imagine we will. But I don't see it being anytime soon."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana hadn't questioned the Medici when Kit had suggested it be their safe word because it was just fitting for them, and even if she'd nagged them about their long ass rant about art before, she did love how passionate they were about it and just went with it. Guardian implying the same thing that Kit, or Void, had done before only made her shrug, deciding she wouldn't press them on why they weren't planning on doing anything with any other women. "Got it. Anyways, we should get some sleep since it's late."

KIT STARK

"Agreed, even if I think Hel has perhaps beat us to it." Guardian wasn't sure if Santana could hear the dog quietly snoring away in their lap, but they weren't going to complain. It was calming and while she wouldn't like being woken up, she'd get over herself knowing they were going to bed soon. "Don't forget to let us know about when we're taking you."

SANTANA LOPEZ

"I can't blame the little watch dog for needing to get some sleep after this long ass phone conversation." Santana teased. "But don't worry, I'll tell you once I talk to Puck and get everything situated. And thank you again. I know I don't have to and you feel like you owe me, but this means a lot."

KIT STARK

Guardian chuckled at her teasing. "Neither can I." It certainly hadn't been planned, but Guardian couldn't say that it was a regretted conversation. Didn't happen the way they expected it to, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. "We care and it's clearly something you need to do for you, so you're welcome."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana was slightly annoyed that she couldn't bring herself to still be mad at Kit after this one phone call, but it was probably a good thing. Not that she'd admit it any time soon. "I'm glad you all still care about me." She found herself admitting instead, and she was already mentally scolding herself for it. "Make sure you get enough sleep." She quickly tried to recover with. September 3, 2024

KIT STARK

Guardian raised an eyebrow at her words, but said nothing, knowing that while there were times and places to tease, this certainly wasn't one of them, maybe later, though. "We will try. You do the same." They smiled softly. "Have a good night, San."

SANTANA LOPEZ

Santana smiled softly. "Tell Kit not to dream about me." She teased. "Good night, Guardian."

[broadwaybabymomma]

[Text Message]: Any chance I can crash at your place, till I have found a place of my own?

[Text Message]: I'll double check with Quinn, but I can't imagine why you couldn't. [Text Message]: Other than the horror stories I may have told her about you as a roommate while we were cohabiting. 😜

[Text Message]: But in all seriousness, I don't have a problem with it and I doubt Quinn will either.

[renatofilomena]

Oye Como Va ft. Carlos Santana & Cindy Blackman Santana

[gcik]

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

give me your heart, make it real

pairing: javier peña x reader

tags/cw: smut, f! receiving oral, p in v, undercover as lovers, big dick javi, no use of y/n, no reader physical description, gentle lover javi

summary: javi needs a 'date' to a party (where escobar and crew will be idk), and asks reader to help him by dressing up in a 'slutty' outfit (not his words)

a/n: okay, yes, the title is from smooth by santana ft. rob thomas (on my javi-coded spotify playlist even tho it came out post-narcos). i've only made it to s2 ep4 and slept thru s1 ep8-10, so i've been committing the crime of not knowing the lore (i am so down bad for javi it's insane)

wc: 3.8k

"I have a lead, and you're coming with me," Javi says, already ushering you out of the room.

"You can't just whisk me away - I have to ask Messina."

"Messina gave me the go-ahead."

"I still need to-" You try to walk away from him but his hand loosely holds your arm, and before you break free, Messina says, approaching from behind, "Go with Agent Peña."

It must be a good lead if she's so quick to send you off with Peña. He looks you over, and says, "You can't wear that. How quickly can you change?"

"Into my tactical gear?"

"No, into a dress."

"Whose quinceañera are we attending?"

"Funny. I have intel about a party happening this evening. You're going to be my date. I need you in a dress - the shorter the better - and makeup, lots of it."

"You want me to look like a hooker?"

"Something like that."

You expect Javi to drop you off at your apartment, but he follows you in – he tries to follow you all the way to your bedroom, but you stop him. Maybe he’s just running on instinct, not used to having a woman invite him into her home without the intention of sex.

"Go sit in the living room," you scoff, pushing him away. "Make yourself at home." You keep your tone sarcastic to avoid letting any nervousness creep into your voice.

You're not supposed to look pretty, per se. He's expecting slutty, and yet, you still worry about looking too slutty in front of Javi. You've made a conscious effort to keep every interaction between the two of you professional, and you are determined to keep it that way. While you cake your face in cosmetics, you remind yourself that you would not go to such lengths for Javi. This is not for Javi, this is for a nobler cause than landing in his good graces. You’re fulfilling your duties as an agent on a mission to stop a narcoterrorist, and that paycheck better arrive at the end of month or you’ll be forced to get on your knees for your landlord who is not quite as handsome as Javi.  

Yes, that’s right, Javi is handsome, disgustingly so. You loathe him, not for his sex appeal itself but for his awareness of such, not for the fact that he could leverage it against you, but for the fact that he thinks he can. He can.

Javier Peña sees all women the same way - not quite as objects, but conquests. Even if you're someone, rather than something, you're still someone he could have. But you don't bend to his will, at least you haven't yet, and that's the one thing you hold over him.

Your brain is logical, and holds you to a higher standard. This has nothing to do with desire, but simple facts put into an equation that gives you a clear output. Every time the illogical part of you that lives between your thighs begs for attention, your mind reminds you of your current mantra: Javi is a walking, talking, fucking bad idea.

The red lipstick and minidress are going to get you one step closer to catching Escobar, and if it means you have to be Javi's date for a night, then it's a challenge you're willing to take.

Maybe pretending to like him will be easier than pretending not to like him, which is something you've struggled to do every day for months.

It will not be, you realize, when he whistles at you from the couch when you step out of your bedroom, all dolled up.

"I'm carrying my gun in my purse," you say - an empty threat. 

"Good girl."

"Say it one more time, Peña," you warn him, pulling your lethal weapon from a tacky, dated clutch. Your grip on it is weak and the safety is on. He mirrors your gesture, lazily pointing his own gun at you.

But he keeps his mouth shut.

Between the two of you, who's the better shot? You hope you'll never have to find out.

Javi shamelessly flirts his way around the office, but his arm around your waist is purely professional as he guides you from the car, parked a safe distance away, to your destination.

"You don't speak Spanish, you respond to 'chica', and you definitely do not have a gun on you. Got it?"

"What do you want me to call you?"

"As long as it's not my name, whatever you want, chica."

"Asshole."

Playing dumb is more fun than you thought it'd be. The wandering eyes of drug lords make you feel icky, but you don't have to respond when they speak to you. You don’t have to prove your intelligence to every man you encounter, every man who will make you take on any task they can’t handle, don’t have time for, or simply can’t be bothered to do. You don't have to do shit for once.

You keep a drink in your hand as a part of the act. Party girls like you drink, right? Honestly, you’re dead set on keeping your hands full in the hopes that you won’t be given the opportunity to do a line, inevitably refuse such an opportunity, and risk being outed as someone on the other side of this war. Javi doesn't need to tell you to pour your own drink - it's a lesson all girls are taught from a young age. Training as a federal agent may have taught you sharpshooting, but your mother told you how to avoid getting roofied.

You have a tolerance built up thanks to picking alcohol as one of your favorite vices back in college, but you know how to act drunk. While you sway a little, Javi tightens his grip on your waist to keep you grounded. You pretend not to understand when he mentions to a small group of men that you might be down for more than one man tonight, he just needs to get you warmed up first. He sounds a little too comfortable saying those words, and you doubt it's just good acting. Regardless, they seem more than happy to hear about the possibility of getting in bed with you.

"What's everyone talking about?" You slur your words and smile stupidly.

"Don't worry about it, chica," Javi says with a sly look to a man you hope you won't actually have to sleep with.

You swear you see a twinkle of something in Javi's brown eyes as they meet yours.

You realize what that something is when he surprises you by capturing your lips in a searing kiss, daring to slip his tongue in your mouth. His hand sliding downwards says, 'just go with it'. You kiss him back, pulling his hair as he grabs your ass. You know he's putting on a show, but his touch makes you feel something all too real.

You swear you hear a whistle, it's likely directed at the two of you but the hustle and bustle of chatter covers up what the onlookers are saying. Javi hears enough to know that his plan is working.

'Get a room,' they say.

'Do you have a spare?' he asks.

Too drunk for their own good and too horny at the sight in front of them, the leader offers one up.

Your embarrassment is real – you're not hiding a winning smile underneath like Javi is. You're directed to a bedroom, and resisting the urge to scope the room immediately, Javi lays you flat on the bed and climbs on top of you, pinning your arms above your head - and, making you wetter than you'd ever tell him. He's keeping you from pushing him away until the door shuts and he tones things down.

He whispers into your ear when he's sure the man who led you here is far enough away that he can drop the act for a moment, "You're going to do what I say. No questions asked. Are we clear?"

You nod, terrified and knowing he's the only one you can trust in this place. With less shame than one might expect, he shows you what to do, getting you to mimic him. He sucks on his own fingers and you follow blindly, he pulls up the bottom of his shirt and slaps his skin while bouncing on the bed just enough that it creaks, rhythmically, like you're – oh, you understand.

Then, he whispers in your ear, "moan for me," and you do. "Perfect, just like that," he says, and you're no longer praying that you don't get caught by the cartel, but that you don't get caught by Javi. "That's good, keep going," he says, and god, you couldn't stop it if you wanted to.

You've forgotten everything else he's said, so he takes your hand and slides it up your dress, slapping the skin of your thighs and then grabs your hips to bounce them up and down. You whimper at the loss of his touch - all thoughts other than 'Javi' have left your head. He starts searching the room for evidence of anything case-related, and you continue to suck, moan, bounce, slap your skin, pretend to fuck the man in front of you because he wants you to, because he told you to keep going.

You watch Javi's back - as you should. You watch his arms, the way his jeans fit perfectly, the shape of his nose as he turns to his side and you can see his profile, his focused eyes.

You imagine his eyes looking over your body, his nose tickling your skin, those jeans coming off, his arms caging you in while he's on top of you. You hope the bed's not slick with arousal. 

Don't touch yourself. But, he's not looking. Maybe you can pass it off as dedication to the cause. Don't. Don't. Don't.

When he finds what he needs, he takes what he can, receipts and encoded notes, and he shoves them down his pants. You watch him readjust. He sees, and gives you a look of 'what?'. He ruffles his hair, unbuttons his top two buttons, making himself look disheveled. Then, he licks thumb and runs in under your eyes, smudging your eyeliner and with the other, your lipstick. As if he's practiced, he wipes the excess red on his lips.

You look stunned, he looks satisfied. Everyone stares when you leave but for all the wrong reasons. They have no idea what went on in that room. Javi has no idea either. It's your own little secret.

When you make it to the safety of Javi’s car, you sigh, relaxing into the passenger seat, and he says, "Thank you. You did really well back there. I could just kiss you right now - for real."

You know what he means. It's another thank you, maybe even I'm proud of you. But he’s still giving you an opportunity. It has to be intentional. 

"Then, do it. I dare you."

He could make a joke but he doesn't, he smiles and does as he said. He kisses you, and his lips parting slightly is the offer. When your tongue meets his, he knows, he must know.

"We should celebrate," he says. "Wanna come back to my place?"

You agree, even though you should know by now that going home with Javi is risky business at best.

Javi is enough of a gentleman to offer you a drink before suggesting you move things to the bedroom. All he has is whiskey, and while it's not your favorite, you decide the liquid courage is worth the taste.

"To us," Javi says, raising his glass before tapping it against yours. Sure, you're supposed to look into each other's eyes when you tap your glass against his, but the look you share says something beyond the toast. He might as well have winked at you. The tension is palpable, and you become increasingly aware of Javi's experience in this field - he may hold superiority to you in the DEA due to his extra years working for the agency, but what intimidates you is not that, but his body count, which is surely dozens above yours.

But then again, how much of the sex he has is with prostitutes? Is he even a good fuck? Maybe that's why he pays for sex. No, you've heard rumors being passed around throughout the DEA, and unless Javi pays for reviews too, he's good, great even.

"Are you in there, querida?" His head is cocked to the side in a way that lets you know he's been trying to get your attention for awhile.

"Oh yeah, I was just thinking." 

"Anything interesting? I thought I was going to have to shake you."

"No, my mind's just…"

"Elsewhere?"

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Mine too." He places his glass on the table. "You did very well today. Have you ever acted before?"

"No, not really."

"You're a natural, then, because it was pretty convincing."

You think you've gotten away with it until you see the glint in his eye.

"It helps when you're… inspired," you say with a coy grin.

"Inspired? Is that what they're calling it now?"

"I don't wanna say it. It's embarrassing."

"You don't have to, it was pretty obvious how you felt."

It's good that you've had a drink or two because you'd be running out of the room in embarrassment if you hadn't. You're not as practiced as some of the girls he's been with, and it's probably obvious, but you're not a virgin either. You're also not an idiot. This is going in the direction you've always wanted it to - towards his bedroom.

Javi leans in, and whispers into the shell of your ear, "I didn't give you the tour of my apartment, did I?"

His hot breath on your skin sends chills down your spine, but you pretend to be barely-fazed. "Mm-mm, you haven't."

"Do you wanna see my bedroom?"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

He takes your hand and helps you up, and though you’ve felt his hands before, you notice the way one of his can envelop yours. He kisses you, soft and sweet, he kisses you, passionate and feverish, he kisses you with purpose, walking you backwards in the direction of his bedroom. He can tell you're nervous about the possibility of knocking into things so he assures you, "Don't worry. I know my way around. I won't let you get hurt."

"You come here often?"

You get a laugh out of him, light and genuine, but most of all rare. "Not as often as I should."

You find that his grip on you is looser than it was in public. There's nothing to protect you from here. It's just Peña, your colleague. It's just Javi, the man you've seen in the risque dreams you have too frequently to write them off as a misfire in your subconscious.

If someone had asked you with a gun to your head if you thought Javier Peña would be a gentle lover, you'd be dead. And if you are, then you made it to heaven.

He slides your zipper down carefully and lets you slip out of your dress, insisting on abiding by the rule of 'ladies first' when you try to unbutton his shirt. Your fingers shake as you restrain yourself against the urge to rip the fabric, so he replaces your hands with his own. His belt is gone too by the time he sits down on the edge of the bed, hands holding yours while he gazes at you in your bra and panties.

"Do you dress like this under your work clothes every day or was this for your 'costume?'"

"I wanted to do a good job playing my part. I didn't know if I'd need to take off my dress."

"But you were willing to if I'd asked you?"

"You told me to do whatever you said."

"But you could've told me to 'fuck off'. Did you want me to see you like this? Is it possible that you wanted to look pretty for me?"

"You're very good at interrogations, Peña. You would make a good cop."

He keeps his laughter contained, but there's a hint of a smile on his lips when he says, "You're going to call me, 'Javi' when you're in my bed. Are we clear?"

You salute him just to push his buttons, and it works, he pulls you into his lap and holds you there. You love his tight jeans for the way they allow you to feel how hard he is right now.

"So fucking gorgeous," he mutters as his kisses trail down your neck. He undoes your bra with one hand and you brace yourself for impact, dying to feel his mouth on your newly-exposed skin.

You would never have expected his skin to be so soft. His hands are calloused and he has wrinkles between his eyebrows, but his broad shoulders are perfectly smooth. You feel like apologizing preemptively for the marks you might leave.

But Javi flips you onto your back and you see a flash of hunger in his eyes. He's wanted this for a long time too.

"When you were moaning for me earlier, I couldn't stop wondering if that's what you'd sound like if I touched you like this."

'Like this' means one hand slipping into your panties and playing with your clit while the other thumb runs over your nipple. You take a sharp inhale of breath and try not to moan loudly but end up letting out a whimper that must sound awfully pathetic.

"Even prettier," he says, as his voice gets further away and you realize he's getting on his knees.

You must be dead. You must've died at that party because this is too perfect to be true.

He places gentle kisses on the inside of each of your thighs before slipping off your panties.

"Javi." Breathy and urgent, it’s an admission of your arousal. 

"Querida?" 

Your voice trembles as you tell him the secret you've been keeping. "When I was 'acting', I had to stop myself from saying your name."

"You were such a good girl."

His lips ghost over your clit before he presses a light kiss to your skin. You're so desperate you could cry. You let his name slip out now that you're alone.

"You're still a good girl."

One finger slips inside you like a reward and his tongue circles your clit. You swear he can hear your thoughts - "I'm sorry I pulled a gun on you earlier when you called me that. You make me feel flustered all the time, so much that you piss me off". He groans into your core as if to say, "It's okay. I already knew that".

But then your brain turns to mush and all that's left is, "Javi, Javi, Javi." And his response is to put your legs over his shoulders and slip another finger inside you. He can tell you're struggling against the pleasure, gripping his bedsheets in a desperate attempt to avoid tugging his hair. His unoccupied hand finds one of yours, coaxing you into holding it. The tenderness only heightens the pleasure.

"I know, cariño, just let go for me. I've got you."

The safest you've ever been is with Javi next to you. Safe enough to keep you alive, safe enough for you to cry out his name without fear. You come down from the most intense orgasm of your life, panting with Javi's hands stroking your sides before lifting your legs so he can climb into bed beside you.

Without a thought left in your head, your eager hands reach for the button of his jeans, but he stops you. "Are you sure about this?"

"Of course. I'm in your bed, aren't I?"

"But your legs are shaking, querida. You need a minute to relax."

"I want you."

"I'll still be here in five minutes."

He comes back with water and a condom and you understand why women sleep with him.

He bargains with you - you drink some water and he takes his pants off. He doesn't intend to make a show of it, but you marvel at his body, now fully on display in front of you. The dryness in your mouth reminds you of the cold glass in your hand, which you down, equal parts nervous and aroused at the sight of his cock.

Javi notices the genuine concern in your eyes – surely women have looked at him with the same hesitant desire. In response to the unspoken, he strokes your cheek with a sweetness that makes you blush. "We'll go slow."

He sinks into you slowly, incrementally. His length strokes a particularly sensitive spot inside you that makes your walls tighten around him, and you can feel his hips jerk in response, self-restraint wavering as he holds himself back from fucking you roughly.

Once he bottoms out, he stops and lets you savor the feeling of being full. His lips still red and puffy from their time spent between your thighs, find yours and he kisses you with a fervor that cannot be sustained when you're both breathing so heavily.

"Javi, I need you," you whine.

"You have me."

"I need you to f–" he starts thrusting in and out of you while you speak, forcing you to cut yourself off with a moan.

The way he groans is gorgeous. He sets a steady pace and gets lost in the feeling. The urge to be closer to you takes over and he has you sitting in his lap within seconds. His hands cup your ass and allow him to move you as he pleases.

Your words in his ear are less than coherent when you bury your face in his neck. His teeth graze the skin on your shoulders and in the back of your mind you know you should worry about the marks he might leave, but the desire to be his, to remember that you had something even for a moment overtakes you. So, you throw your head back and give him access to a greater expanse of your skin.

Arousal fills you with a jolt of energy, giving you a boost in stamina, and you leverage yourself on Javi's shoulders and take over the work of sliding his cock between your wet folds, hips erratic and faltering. 

You don’t need to tell him how close you are, he can tell. He’s seen you cum before, he’s tasted it. 

"Me too," he says. It's more intense than the first one - you keep your eyes open with sheer willpower because you need to know what he looks like when he cums. There's a fair chance you won't see him like this again and you need to keep his beautiful 'o' face in your spank bank.

But what slips from his lips is not a string of curses or a wordless groan, but your name. It sounds even better when you hear it again during round two, and even better when it follows ‘good morning’.