#overshare in the way that people who are obsessed with music THINK it is to share your music tastes

[mxss-kxtty]

so, I work at a farmers market on the weekends and sometimes I work next to this lady who sells frozen fish for her and her husband's company. she is a ship captain, has been a commercial fisherman for much of her life, and is a very independent and all around rad lady. the reason I have become obsessed with her recently is because she talks to me. a lot. she overshares constantly and I love it. here's a list of things I have learned about this 33 year old lady at the market:

- she plays volleyball with her friends for fun (but it's kinda serious)

- she has crippling social anxiety but she doesn't know that so she consistently describes the symptoms of social anxiety and asks me if I think she's crazy

- she says "I still need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up" about four or five times a day, she says this in a heartbreakingly somber tone

- she has nightmares about murder and serial killers constantly, the only media she consumes is true crime

- she has a secret love of heavy metal music that she sheepishly confessed to me and was delighted when I told her that I love metal too

- one weekend she came to the market hungover and suffered through it the entire day, she now refers to this event as "the great hangover" when talking to me about it

- she is the man of the house, she didn't tell me that, it's just obvious

- her million-dollar-idea that she pitched to me last weekend was omega fish supplements for people who struggle with seasonal depression

- she introduced me as her little pal to her actual friends that come by at the market

- after I told her about a customer I had who was being transphobic and generally mean to me, she told me that next time I should just tell her and she'll fight them for me

- it was too cold last week so she had to wear her "onesie" which was a very fancy pair of carhartt coveralls, she was clearly embarrassed about it but felt she had no choice given the temperature, her demeanor changed when I told her I thought it looked cute, but she became embarrassed again when I told hed that her collar was folded in

- I was kinda worried I wouldn't see her again after this last market so I asked if she had any social media we could exchange, I got her instagram and facebook (I know I know but you gotta make sacrifices for the older girlies in your life) and she said "I'll send you funny instagrams!!!" before we parted ways

for most of the market day she just vents to me endlessly about the things that she finds confusing and scary about adult life and the injustices in the world. girly is a nervous wreck and I love her dearly

[raplinenthusiasts]

thank you @glowunderthemoon for this tag! I love to overshare so it’s perfect one for me 💛

Who is your favourite kpop group?

it’s not surprise when I say BTS

Which member sparked your interest first?

Namjoon at the very beginning because he was speaking English and Seokjin along with him because he was funny and good looking, what can I say I’m shallow person 🤷‍♀️

Who was your first bias?

Seokjin for a short but very intense moment

Who is your current bias?

Yoongi is my main man and I don’t think it will change, he’s got me since may 2020 already

What makes them your current bias?

his music and attitude to it, his lyrics and the way he talks to people - he’s just very comforting person to me

Who is your bias wrecker?

I always have problem with definitions but I guess Jungkook and Namjoon? They’re the ones always causing problems for me!

Which members are you currently obsessing over that aren't your bias/bias wrecker?

Taehyung 💯 he’s a menace for my heart

When did you first discover this group?

march 2020 carpool karaoke video my beloved, the only good thing coming out from pandemic for me was enough time to watch all their content at once

Have you ever been to one of their concerts?

I WISH

What are some of your favorite songs by the group?

oh boy… Outro: Tear comes to mind immediately of course 🫶 but also Rain, Don’t Leave Me, Louder Than Bombs, Paradise, Serendipity and Interlude: Shadow 💛

tagging @sevencoloredstar @wnjunhui @fireworksgalaxy @kimtaegis @jiminsproof @aprylynn @starcatching @facethesuns @vcrnons and whoever wants to share their answers 🌻

[cringelordofchaos]

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- NAMES × PRØNOUNS = IT / SHE / HE ×××❤️‍🔥🎸🐍

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--im; 🇷🇸 - serbian × 🏳️‍🌈 - queer × ✝️ - (culturally)orthodox(+witchy ;))×××

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biggest obsession lately: MINECRAFT (all fandoms)

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• other blogs - pronouns.page - music i listen to - tagging system - characters I relate to

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нЕмА сПаСа Ни ТеБи нИ мЕнИ сВе Је ЛаЖ и рАј сЕ ПеНи (/Ј)

MY FAVORITEST POST OF ALL TIME /hj... (unless...)

I forget to update my pronouns page frequently so it's not really worth checking out.

{o.we,o,qw,qw.qq,o,qw,qw.qe,wt,qo,t,y×one^day.q,qr.wp,i,t,qr.t,ww,t,qi,wt,qt,qr,t.t,qw,qo,t-as.well (wq,qr,qw,t,qo.o.r,qt,qr,wp.e,qt,qe,qw,t,wp,t.qe,wt.journey.w,t,y,qt,qi,t.i,q,qr,r)}

DRAWING REQUESTS R ALWAYS OPEN! though my art skills r not up to everyone's standards, it's like free anyway so

(TMF Sean userboxes made by @speedydestinydream)

Uhm ok nobody's seeing this? Good. Rhea Ripley's hot AS FUCKKKK dude

Uhm and also. Random facts about me

I'm not autistic

I once hit my head so hard it was bleeding (and never got treated for it lmao)

Aaron Mitchell is just like me fr

By blood im actually more aromanian + Slovenian + ashkenazi Jewish + other shit than Serbian but by culture im Serbian (and Americanized... (Spend too much time on the net))

I love opposites attract trope because 100% of the time I relate to both the characters involved

I used to have an identity crisis over what kind of caricature I wanted to be but now I just let myself exist in peace without putting an active effort into just existing

I'm more culturally orthodox christian and tbh I don't really believe in that stuff but I won't give up the holidays and traditions. As for witchcraft it's fun and you can't exactly disprove the existence of spirituality so I am interested but again when I practice witchcraft it more feels like roleplaying so uhm. Not sure if I can call myself s true withx or a christian but who gives a shit.

Potentially alter human but I realized my obsession with alter human labels in the last might've been caused by the fact that I wasn't fully happy with who I was. still act like a creature at times though.

I have been called "fascinating" 6 times, once by a licensed psychiatrist.

I tend to overshare and also I was extremely scared of sharing the fact that I'm mostly aromanian because I thought it would reveal where I hid the money or some shit. I still am scared but oh well

Don't have ADHD either fuck that

I am at risk of a spine deformation. Lmao

I get extremely obsessive over fiction and it tends to last for... Idk? I don't count.

I'm picky yet indecisive as hell

Selfish and extremely lazy

So sarcastic all the time to the point of some people thinking I'm being genuine and then getting mad at me. I mean I dug my own grave there so.

I accidentally ghost people, respond really late to texts, if at all. I am trying to work on this because I have been made aware that this type of behaviour can genuinely hurt people and I don't want to hurt anyone

Had self diagnosed depression in the past

Cisginger

Autistic Craig Tucker real

Heavily heavily HEAVILY relate to Aaron Mitchell from the Mitchells Vs the machines (he is literally me in every way possible)

Unhealthily addicted to my phone

Sometimes draw but I'm horrible at it

My head hurts

Freakblr OG 💪

Suck at sports but like them but I hate working in teams because I'm afraid I'll disappoint everyone. Yaknow???

Experience self suspected social gender dysphoria (recovering)

Otherlink, mild specie dysphoria, possibly therian

Self suspected low object permanence

[trashhole]

get to know 9 people ask game

tagged by @deadlysoupy hi. prepare for the oversharing because I love to hear my own voice but written and have zero restraint when it comes to shutting the hell up <3

last song listened to: homiefkinbet by sunday cruise currently reading: N/A but my favorite literary work is probably jackalope wives because it's fuckin weird, really based, and I have the attention span of a goldfish. also, jackalopes are awesome. sweet/spicy/savory: probably a combination of sweet and savory because mm kbbq marinade. and pad thai. and creamy carbonara buldak ramen...and I could really go on. the only reason I don't pick spicy is because SOME people (you know who you are irls) forced me to eat fire noodles and it was an awful experience. obsessions: (prepare for big paragraph!!!) my fandoms/blorbos (it rules my life a bit TOO much), art and making art of all kinds except baking which I am notably awful at unless it's pizza, trains but mostly from a cosmetic perspective, I'm superficial that way sorry/jjj, not obssesed but friends are a big part of my life, I can get very paranoid and hysterical about my friends well being (i cried when my besties moved away because what if a meteor hits them and I never see them again I wish I was kidding rn), my chicken gf pharma obviiii, staying up until 5am and getting 4 hours of sleep because I'm nuts and have zero sense of self-preservation, tetristetristetristetris, sorry I think I forgot to say Tetris I love Tetris did I say Tetris because I love Tetris btw korobeiniki metal version slaps, loudish music, especially surf punk/surf rock, shit bangs like you wouldn't believe, anti-fascism I hate fascism passionately, LORE for anything really but especially for original work(oc's, au's original stories, fan continuities, ect), it's so cool to see what peoples brains come up with, and probably more things but I think I'll stop here so I can sleep within the hour. relationship status: single, but a funny story is once in 10th grade I decided amino dating would be a good experience and got dumped because I didn't have Roblox after like 2 weeks of dating 💀 last thing I googled: ao3 (I accidentally deleted all my Google tabs on my phone) currently working on: catching up on homework, ratchet doodle, starbee, fixing my life schedule which has been flipped upside down (i woke up at 7pm the other day 😭😭😭), being more positive, being more social, learning social skills, being cringe and free!!!!, oil painting ok end bean spilling. I don't know people so I'm just going to tag @leefyberrybread ty for the ask soupy, hope you have a great week ^^

[sixthwater]

Hello 2023 and welcome to one of the new series that will become a regular on this blog~! I won't be focusing on any celebrities in particular, but more so the themes within pop culture, the entertainment industry, the world around us, etc. It's nothing new, but it's something that I always enjoy peeking at.

Chapter One's Subject (a request actually!): Will Celebrities Ever Stop Oversharing Online

Deck's Used: Mystical Mondays, Luminous Spirit, Astrological

X of Cups, IX of Wands Rx, X of Swords

Immediately heard ‘I’m bored’, how cute. Obvious signs of a cycle ending and starting a new one, but I think it’s similar to how fashion trends are picked up and cycled through. I don’t think they’ll stop oversharing but they’ll change the way they do it – at least for a good majority of them. What I’m seeing here is a mix of their label / company enforcing that ‘fanbase is a community/family’ idea, and also the actual influence of their family. So for some it can be that what their family members involve themselves in can cause them to pull back from media: they get into controversy because if their relatives do this then obviously you aren’t exempt in some form, they get tired of fighting because you can’t win every battle and you aren’t perfect, constant persecution, going offline unless you’re needed. For others, their fanbase get too comfortable and feel like there are no boundaries and if the artist tries to enforce them after a period of time, they get shit for it, and if they don’t others see them as weird – it sort of circles back into the same thing. For others (cause I only really pulled for general energy), it could be that something else grabs their or their label’s attention. Parasocial relationships are always a moneymaker but a lot of artists had to make their songs go viral on TikTok because that was quick cash, so it’s sort of like that. The celebrity themselves could honestly find more fulfillment offline (which will Still end in criticism, this is media) or another way to get clout will pop up that Doesn’t involve constantly being logged on. This X of Swords doesn’t necessarily feel like pain or betrayal it feels more like someone being pinned down to stay there and they’re not really fighting it, like they’re turning away from the situation and they’re okay with that, and they look just like the person in the IX of Wands.

King of Wands, Princess of Swords, The Devil Rx

Yeah, I can see the cycle will rewind again. They’ll be big and flashy but not without seeming out of touch or saying stuff that won’t catch legitimate criticism. Right now celebrities are, supposedly, trained in great PR. They’re supposed to relate to us and they can’t do that because you just can’t possibly do that once you get transferred into a different lifestyle. You may remember how you started which is fine, but you don’t live that way anymore, which is also fine. However the best image is always the approachable and relatable celebrity, everyone chases after it in everyone they follow even if they deny it. That’s going to go away, which means they no longer have to watch their filter or care for how much money they dropped on a pair of shoes. All the opinions you have of people who ‘aren’t as ethical as your fave’ might fall onto…well your fave, if they’re still around for this, I have to check timing hehe. However I think those battles of who is better than who will also thankfully go away with The Devil here, there’s no longer an obsession with these people because the perception of them has been shattered so while yeah, they’re big celebrities, it’s also like “oh yeah we are from two different worlds, their music is great though”.

Timing: VI of Pentacles Rx

Not gonna happen for a bit, but when the change does happen it’s dragged out? Like some people will still try to cling onto how things are being done now, but I feel like it’s more the label or company trying to keep the train going the same so they don’t have to rework images or anything (VII of Pentacles; yeah a lot of work behind the scenes to either rework a botched image or to figure out where to go after events have taken place).

Anything in particular to cause this?: VIII of Pentacles, The Magician Rx, Queen of Wands

Hm. Don’t like that lol getting a strong feeling that it deals with someone either being very vocal about how they’re very hands on about their work/production only for someone else to come out and tear them to shreds with evidence (hate this but it feels very much like whatever happened with the Beauty community on youtube but not…messy). The Queen didn’t really want to come out so I don’t think they’ll speak up immediately if this is what happens but when they do they’re gonna be pissed. Or another way to see it is someone seen as being very honest with their work and it turns out they’re sleazy (Venus) Hm Okay this is why I don’t like hollywood lol. I mean yeah this can stand for art, but with the Queen and then Venus I think this female energy is being taken advantage of (either their work or legitimately) by someone who has that ‘kid next door’ charm and then the ball gets rolling from there. Since I didn’t like this energy I just asked if everything will turn out okay and I got the VI of Cups. Mm because of the imagery it feels like an issue that gets solved over time (Justice isn’t here but like I’m assuming if it’s over time then legal issues, or if it’s emotional or mental issues then obviously-), and the other interpretation was that they have people in their corner that they’ve worked with before or that are really close to them that have their back so that makes me feel better.

That’s all! Thank you for reading and I hope to see you next time!

[reficu1]

hiiii ^^ was wondering if I could have a matchup for genshin?

name: Periwinkle or just Peri but i also go by quin sometimes

sexuality: bi with a preference for guys

gender: non-binary, they/them

likes: music, art, true crime, animals but especially sea creatures, makeup, fashion, the cold, dark psychology, night, horror movies an books, gore, monsters <3, tropical fruits, icecream, sleeping, giving gifts, snow, thunderstorms, nature, and dinosaurs lmao.

dislikes: rules, anyone super serious reminds me of my m o m lmao, people who interrupt others, sports, heat, people touching my sides without warning me first, people not paying attention to me when i talk, people who always hold a pity party for themselves as their whole personality, koalas, and people who think they have it worse than you.

hobbies: singing, poetry, painting, sketching, writing, cooking, crocheting, bike riding while listening to music, swimming, video games like (skyrim, minecraft, botw, subnautica)

personality: INFP-A. a lot of people say i seem intimidating at first glance, i'm very aggressive and tend to be very loud by nature yet not very energetic if that makes sense. i talk too loud basically lmao. im socially awkward and try to make people too comfy too quick and tend to overshare. my mood changes rapidly due to being a borderline. I have a very happy personality tho and laugh at so much its ridiculous yet im diagnosed with multiple mental disorders. im really lazy and hate even standing for more than 5 mins mainly cuz my whole body always hurts tho lmao. im quite introverted and unless i HAVE to i hate going out and meeting new people. i isolate myself a lot if i get even slightly mad or sad. i have a lot of self-destructive habits and just dont work on them lmao. i talk a lot about things i like. i have bad trust and attachment issues yet i dont completely trust anyone due to past issues. a lot of people ik say im someone very trustworthy since i can keep secrets and know how to stay loyal and help people when they need to vent. im very blunt to the point it has ruined relationships. i try to watch my speaking due to having grown up in an environment where if i said anything wrong id be screamed at or beat so i tend not to say a lot of things im thinking despite being blunt. i can barely speak up for myself if someone is mad at me for fear of them hating me or leaving me, to the point if i stand up for myself i start crying and shaking and have to leave the room. i have really bad issues with self-harm. i have a very short attention span and get distracted super easy t the point i can barely read properly lmao. im really hypersexual at times and then sex repulsed at other times. i have an obsessive personality and if i find anything i like i surround myself with it as much as i can and if not, im daydreaming abt it. i have a thing for correcting people abt anything ik a lot about. i have a thing for loving anyone, whether real or fake, that's usually unliked whether its for being weird, scary, or ugly in any form. so basically i love the unloveable cuz i understand them. i cuss a l o t lmao. im very clumsy and jumpy at all times lmao i get hurt a lot, randoms bruises everywhere. i find comfort in my depression so i dont plan on getting better but im not suicidal. im the type of person to be like "huh?" even tho i heard you loud and clear.

insecurities: my body. i'm overweight for my height and have really defined curves so i get oversexualized a lot so i hate my body, plus my scars do n o t help. ive been told my whole life by my grandma and my cousins that im only good for my body so yeah. the way i get obsessed with things and people so easily. the fact im very poor and currently am homeless along with my parents lmao. the way i look for bad in anyone i like becuz i dont want to let myself love ever again. how i dont want to get better at all, i just wanna stew in my shit lmaoooo. the way i eat really unhealthily. how when i would cry as a child my family would say i was being dramatic so now when i need to cry i gaslight myself into thinking im being cringe. the way i try to seem a bit cooler than i am in front of people online. my impulsive lying (im working on it with my therapist tho so i barely do anymore compared to before). My taste in people. my fashion sense cuz of my mom. the way im agnostic now since i grew up religious. my darker interests. my boyish personality. how i cant keep anything around me clean for more than two days.

I hope you have a great night/day ^^

Oh, it's sad how similar we are. I hope that in the future you will get rid of people who make you uncomfortable, or your parents will change their parenting methods. Although the scars on the body and on the nervous system will remain.

I match up for you...

Okay, it was difficult. I chose between two characters whose 7 is dominant in the enneagram, because of this they avoid their problems _(._.)_well...

I wanted to choose Venti, but he has huge problems with responsibility or absence. He is used to drowning out moral pain with optimism, conversations, and a penchant for bad habits. And a pretty sloppy attitude.

That's why I chose Child. Of course, I don’t know what will happen in the future and whether you want to have a family, so I will talk about his family in Snezhnaya. For the comfort of his family, he will do everything. Just look at his spoiled younger brother<^!^> Of course, the "lie" question bothers me. In his case, it is rather "a lie for the good" and "a wolf in sheep's clothing." The first is for the family so that they do not worry, and the other for his work. I talked earlier about avoiding reality or problems. Tartaglia has a tendency to avoid real issues that only concern his life and injuries. In conversation, he avoids the question by making a joke out of it, so as not to begin to study himself deeply. Since you don't really like touch, I see that his love language is deeds, gifts, money.

[rmshmzu]

social media sucks

Kids my age are literally so weird (I can say this and not be insufferable because I once used to be like this around the time of my freshman year in high school. But now I am three years older, have suffered the loss of loved ones, and have had the pleasure of maturing, looking back, and realizing how utterly stupid the whole ordeal was) like they try so hard to be different and unique that they end up not being themselves like at all and it defeats the whole purpose of them trying to be different and unique. And then they have this like serious imposter complex with all of these different so-called niche communities that they end up trying to color within certain lines anyways. Like bro just be you it’s not that hard bro just be yourself. It’s like so embarrassing seeing people trying to be edgy and on-trend and then act like they are still quirky and niche. Like YOU ARE THE NEW MAINSTREAM??? And then they also somehow have the time to judge other people for being basic like are you being deadass. No one with a life actually has a shit to give. Like the whole point of being a functional human in a society of other humans is to have a pool of interests that includes popular and unpopular things, that's what makes humans worth interacting with. Like honestly, who gives a fuck if I like Starbucks and wear Uggs and watch chick flicks, and shop at Brandy Melville and still text with my auto caps on and talk with a valley accent (I literally live in SoCal what do you expect!). Call me a basic bitch I could care less. But then I also like old music that even my parents don’t recognize and live life as a prolific film and comic nerd and use Letterboxd too often and like to bake every recipe I stumble upon and have an odd obsession with antiques and like watching ASMR of the daily tasks of pre-20th-century people. Same thing, NO ONE CARES. I think this is the result of a generation of losers combined with a seriously fucked up, distorted version of social media where everyone logs on to mindlessly scroll for hours upon hours, overshare their lives, stalk other people, hate on other people, invade other people’s privacy and spread info (true or false, it does not seem to matter anymore) like wildfire. Where people can now literally make 7 figures by being hot because they get endorsed by brand deals and pays-per-click. Where people can ruin the actual lives of others out of spite or even just boredom. Social media has become a seriously fucked up and scary place. I really wonder when it all started to go south. It used to just be a fun place to share pictures of our otherwise mundane lives and see what our real (IRL) friends are up to. Not some hub of indelible data and deformed ideas of what life should be like. IT'S TIME TO GO BACK TO 2014. Anyway, I think I've had enough; people need to wake up and find ways to actually find fulfillment in life. 

[christmasintheloonybin]

mmm idk,my problems seem to be more from the fact that i'm a anxious ugly girl. I've been following you for a while. I really like what you say because somehow I read and I feel a little less lonely. Today I was scrolling through your blog reading because I was so bored in class and I don't have real friends or shit like that (everyone ignores me every time I fucking open my mouth) Your post reminded me of my relationship with my parents I know it's not the same case but my mother doesn't seem to care much about what happens to me either and she doesn't even see me, i don't blame her she is really depressed. On the other side my father, is a misogynist who has always treated me like a piece of shit just for not meeting his standards of what he believes a woman should be, he believed that by having a daughter he would have a kind of model to show off to his friends or I don't know what the fuck he thinks, so I'm just his ugly daughter that he's ashamed of. He doesn't care about my well-being and has never really played the role of a father, he can't play any role as a father because he doesn't love me so he doesn't make an effort to interact with me or support me in something like school or shit that normal parents do.

And I think we have a similar musical taste lol (i love your username btw one of the reasons why your blog caught my attention) #oversharing

(sorry if there is a serious misspelling here i am not a native speaker)

you were very clear and well spoken, no need to apologize.

it is an odd phenomenon that I'm sure has existed but I think is particular to our times, parents who are completely self involved. I think a lot of it has to do with their parents being boomers and the environment they were raised in, "live for yourself" etc, from the Vietnam protests to today there has been no sense of community or some thing that is larger than the individual that a person has no choice but to submit to. of course this attitude has been around for centuries! but this has been the most distilled form, at least in previous generations there were remnants (you MUST go to church, you MUST go to war). a system built around choice is a system that will always lead to unhappiness.

anyways, my point is that the family disintegrates because individuals can only see themselves as individuals, not even archetypes. a woman cannot be a mother and a man cannot be a father because they see themselves as individuals making some stupid free decision and thinking that they can go about things in their own way and that they are doing something new and daring which only leads to psychologically damaged children. society needs significantly less freedom, freedom and individuality only lead to unhappiness because of course a person cannot solve the problems of the universe on his/her own. I would argue that parents as they should be in many ways do not exist anymore, it is more than anything a begrudging arrangement that they feel stifled by. like marriage, if divorce is a valid option then marriage no longer exists. but I am getting off topic.

my parents more than anything are both just unintelligent people in addition to the problems of their generation, and I think obviously this is also the case for many people. I am sorry to hear of your troubles but if it's any consolation my point is that this is not necessarily a strange or unheard of situation and is no way due to a personal failing on your part. I hope things improve for you. this has been much rambling and little empathy but I am happy to know that my obsessive fucking compulsion to TRY and explain every aspect of my life has had some positive effect on someone.

<3

[golbrocklovely]

I’m gonna say it here, because i know for a fact that it also has been or even still is a problem in this fandom too.

I genuinely have never understood why many people no matter in which fandom focus way more if someone ships someone with another someone, but let slide actually over sexualizing their so called “favs”. No matter what fandom i do not join i see people being pressed just by even simply someone admitting that they think that some 🚢 is “real” , but majority of those people don’t see for example a problem of talking about possibility of d*ck size, zooming into private parts, using p*rn videos to create so called “POVs” or even 18+ art that people have even audacity to let people pay to see it.

I’m not saying that shipping is good, but I think it’s atp some kind of weird obsession with people you stan if you see a problem if someone thinks that your fav might be in relationship ( doesn’t matter if straight or not), but this kind of stuff is ok? Well sorry to break it to you but that kind of stuff is even more hurtful and wrong! Many times i see people in various fandoms attacking shippers for crossing the lines, because as they say “you are sexualizing them by shipping them” and while i agree that there is many shippers who actually do that and try so hard to create any kind of weird “tension” between two people that they ship (which ofc is wrong), but I feel like you guys forgot that sexualizing is not only shipping people. And many fans actually do sexualize their own idols, while hating on others for doing the exact same thing!

It’s kinda sad, but nowadays there is so little normal fans that just are there to enjoy either it’s content on yt, music etc etc. Fandoms have stopped being the real fandoms as they used to be. They used to bring people together, but nowadays they divide people. You cannot feel safe and good in any fandom. I am beyond disgusted of how fans treat their own idols that they are supposed to protect and support. Especially when it comes to male idols. When it comes to sexualizing men, many MANY fans genuinely do not see any problem in it. They get mad when it happens to female ones, but when they do it to men , it is seen as “HOT” or “SEXY”. It’s just disgusting on both sides.

I know that this random af rant might sound as I am protecting shippers, but believe me I am not. I am aware of how shipping might get out of hand for many fans. Over analyzing everything, trying to make everything as “sexual tension” , making 1s eye contact as something “more” etc. etc. But my point was that people who find sexualizing individuals ( esp, males) fine and protect it for their own pleasures, but will be mad when they will see someone commenting something about a ship are just hypocrites and are no different from those shippers who cross lines…

i think you make a lot of valid points, and i agree with you for the most part.

here's what i think about all of this.

i think that overall, the internet and society at large has gotten more sexual and that's why boundaries more often than not in fandoms gets crossed a lot. i think back in the day, it was a bit harder to find ppl talking about ships or sexual stuff directly. you had to go thru old forums and messages and it was a longer process. now, ppl are a lot more brazen to say things directly on your tl.

i think it's a mix bag and not just one solid issue, if that makes any sense. i think some ppl overshare (both fans and idols alike) and when idols do that it makes fans think they can talk about them in this type of way. i think some fans use idols as escapisms and in those fantasies they're together so that's why talking about them in a sexual way doesn't seem wrong. i think fanfics play a huge part in that, for sure.

but on the counter side, i also think that some fans are a bit sensitive to sexual things (not saying that's a bad thing, just stating an observation) and so anything past "i think so and so is hot" is deemed oversexualizing, when that really isn't the case. which is also why, controversial opinion, i don't think anyone under the age of 17 should have social media. as someone who grew up with every iteration of social media, i don't wish for teens' brains to work the way mine does.

the internet is a blessing and curse, but on the mind? more the latter than the former.

and as for ships, i think they can go south equally as fast as oversexualizing, depending on the person. sometimes they go hand-in-hand with one another. i think if you honestly ship two ppl together, sure. do what you want with that feeling. but you gotta remember that they're real ppl with feelings and lives outside of you. hell, you're not even included in any of that in the first place. you don't control your idols. they are not dolls for you to do what you want with.

so when they go against what you want, don't be upset about it. or don't fight tooth and nail to make something happened that is completely out of your control regardless of what you do.

be respectful for those you look up to, but don't be offended on their behalf if they themselves don't care.

[juvederm]

oversharing, being mentally ill possibly

i genuinely don't know if this is a legitimate phenomenon or not, but i have friends who "IRL" characters (call them delusions at times), and i kind of don't get it. it kinda seems like kinning to me. i described how i felt about my attachment to josh, and my friend related to a T but still called theirs a delusion. and correct me if im wrong but like... aren't delusions something that u don't know is happening... like ur not aware ur being delusional. but my friends seemed very like, aware. complete opposite.

so they tend to get upset when you "double" (meaning like, you kin or "IRL" the same character as them), or shit talk the character in any way. i kind of related to that aspect, just being overly protective of a character. but since my friend related to me, i assumed i had like a safe space to vent abt my actual frustrations with like, having this heavy of an attachment so i'll get into that now.

because josh is like my most liked loved admired character in my arsenal, i always projected onto him. when i was 14-15, i didn't call him a kin, because i didn't exactly relate to his canon version. instead i made a version of him i related to, and he was Literally me at that point. but also not. and comically as time went on, i noticed i was becoming more like his canon version, but also staying like the projection version of him (bc he literally had the same interests as me, same music taste, same fashion sense, same everything). this all snowballed into a weird thing where now he's become apart of my brain. he has like his own thoughts and feelings and opinions, sometimes i say things that he thinks and it gets me in trouble at times. i worry that like he might take over? and that i won't have any original thoughts? even tho this version of him is a mix of canon and projection. like we have to share some of the same thoughts but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. like i differ from him in some ways, for example, he's like a different type of intelligent from me, he likes castlevania and fighting games, etc.

along with this, i also have a sort of gender envy for him. i always wanted to look like him, be socialized the same way he was, have all the same friends as him, like i really wanted to Be him. so i took his name as a start. and it's always been a smack in the face to look in the mirror and not see That. being confronted with a girl reflection.

so i coped pretty hard. it became somewhat dissociative? i don't know if that's the right word, but i genuinely departed from my physical self whenever i'd do my "rituals" (i say this tentatively because i know this is a term used for OCD, which i'm not entirely sure i have or not), and my rituals always had to be the following thing: between 1-4:30 AM, at least an hour long, they had to have a Story, and they had to be Useful. and another thing, absolutely NO LIGHT. and it wasn't like i wanted to do them (i sometimes did), i HAD to do them. i've been very irritable the past few days because i've been missing them (literlaly bc i fixed my sleep schedule loool) and it's just been upsetting me.

it became hard to do anything, i've had these rituals since i was a kid. they always had to do with something i was currently obsessing over. always at night too. nothing really changed there. when i got to high school, i realized i was never going to be josh, or that ideal projection of him. because he was Me but he was also Me If I Did Anything With My Life. but i got to school, i wore the same black hoodie everyday, i didn't talk to anyone, i had my headphones on 24/7. and talking to people physically made me ill. i actually could not do it, because i would have an out of body experience where i would see myself through the eyes of whoever i was talking to, and see myself as who i ACTUALLY was, rather than the person i became during my rituals. and it stressed me out every single day i went to school, and on top of me just being a very slow worker (i cannot do deadlines), having dysphoria and depression, i couldn't Do school anymore. so i dropped out.

and nobody got why i did, i'm still very much judged for my decision but it was for my Own good. i've not been Great but my quality of life definitely improved a little bit after i dropped out. and i hate socializing with people as who i physically am, i hate being perceived when i can't control what i look like (can't start T, can't cut my hair, can't dress masculine), so i'm just a Girl to everyone which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i just want to CONTROL when i feel like a girl, i don't want it to be my natural state because i want to be Both. a girl and a boy. during my rituals, i always feel like a boy. to be honest, i feel like josh. that's the best i can describe it.

and back to my original point, i basically said all of this (although more condensed), and admitted that i disliked that disconnect i had by looking in the mirror and not seeing josh, i think my friend got upset by that? by me saying like, i wasn't who i feel and thought i was, and i think they took it as me saying "ur not (insert character) irl, just look in the mirror" but that's not at all what i was trying to say. i'm not rly defending myself here bc who am i defending myself to? like whoever's reading this is not like, thibking im the villain hopefully

but yeah. anyway. did you pray today

[vriskabot]

very tempted to lean fully into the early noughts nostalgia and just make a page or pinned post on my blog with a bunch of album covers of my favorite albums

[bangtanblurbs]

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love. 

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come. 

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life. 

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell. 

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world. 

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness. 

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story. 

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically. 

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices. 

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs. 

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive. 

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely. 

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams. 

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice. 

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity. 

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever. 

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return. 

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going. 

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever. 

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance. 

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination. 

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that. 

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it. 

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow. 

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again. 

[headoverjojo]

Hello, can I request a scenario of Diavolo and reader with pen pal AU?? I just think it would be interesting remembering how secretive he is, but I think there’s like a chance that he’d be willing to open up more to a pen pal yknow. Thank you 💕✨

Hello there! Oh god, after so much time... I’m so sorry about it ç.ç But in any case, I sincerely hope you’ll like this little fic! 

Pen pal AU: Diavolo and reader

(Under the cut for lenght!)

Diavolo still couldn’t believe it. When Doppio, more than two months before, had suggested him to try to open up a little -he, Diavolo? Open up a little?!-, Diavolo was so near to strangle him. And, well, this would have been terribly inconvenient, as he would have ended up strangling himself. Instead, he closed himself in stubborn silence, ignoring even when Doppio was trying to call him. He was too pissed: he, a man who was so obsessed by privacy, had to open up?! Sometimes he wondered how could Doppio be so silly and, at the same time, be a part of himself.

However, after having pondered about it for a few days, he found himself thinking that maybe, just maybe, Doppio wasn’t so out of his mind. It was true that sometimes he felt… alone, even if he loved dearly his loneliness. When he brought up the topic again, Doppio showed enthusiasm: the Boss was making the right decision! And, knowing his trust issues, he had found the right solution: a pen pal. The Boss could make a bond with them without actually seeing them, and without risking his safety: it was the most convenient deal.

Doppio managed to find a good pen pal for his Boss: their name was Y/N, and they lived in a city far away, so there was no risk to meet them. They too were quite a private person, he found out, and it was their first time as pen pal for them too. It was perfect.

Their first letters were awkward. Diavolo was too used to order around, and he felt weird to use a casual tone. Plus, he still didn’t know if he could trust them: they were a stranger, all in all. He was always scared to unmask himself, that they were just trying to lure him to reveal himself, to show his weakness, and then trying to attack him and bring him down… he was really careful and cautious, when he wrote. He never gave any hint on the place he was, or the weather, or his surroundings… anything that could suggest his position. Not even the most skilled detective would have found his house.

As days and weeks passed, however, he was more and more surprised to see that they never asked him for a more precise description of his place, or why he was using a post office box and not his personal mailbox. It seemed like they… weren’t interested in it. It seemed like they were more interested in his hobbies, what kind of music he liked, which books… their questions always baffled him.

He never thought for real about such frivolous things. He had ambitions, worries and fears, when he was young; then, he had a whole criminal organization to manage. He just… never had the time to stop and enjoy a little such casual hobbies. Killing his opponents wasn’t a respectable hobby, or at least not one he could externalize. He admitted, in his letters, that he didn’t listen to music very often, and that he hadn’t so much to read, and then he asked them for suggestions, curious, all in all, to see what they liked so much to the point to suggest it to someone else.

He listened to the songs they suggested to him, and read some of the books they loved. It was weird… it was like coming to know them deeper, in a more intimate way. He was used to decipher his opponents and, even more important, his allies from small details, in order to find a way to destroy or bend them, but this time… it was different. He wanted to know them not to possess them, but simply because he liked to know them.

Was this… friendship?

He felt a little jolt of excitement every time he saw that there was a letter in the post office box, and he always hurried Doppio to come home as soon as possible. He took control of his body the moment they stepped inside, and immediately opened the letter, reading it almost with greed. It was like a breath of fresh air: for a little while, he could smile and even laugh, reading their news. It was the most awaited moment of the whole week, a few hours when he wasn’t the feared and powerful Boss of Passione, but simply D., as he always signed himself. The man who liked Genesis and Sting and thriller books, who hated cold weather and loud people. Sometimes, he even found himself wishing it was all true, that he could have been just D. forever… but then, something brought him back to reality. A new alliance, someone who was trying to steal from him, a new criminal gang that was trying to compete with them… his world abruptly crashed his wishes, every time. He was who he was, and he couldn’t be no one else, no matter how much, sometimes, he desired it.

After a while, he even shared some really private information about himself: he told her about his Sardinian origins, and that he didn’t know who his father was. He never told it aloud, but… it was heavy, for him, not to know who his father was. He had even questioned his mother, during the time he had kept her imprisoned under the floor, but nothing. She had always murmured that she didn’t know who his father was. She had met him one night, and that was it. Nothing more, nothing less. Doppio never worried about these things, mostly because Diavolo made him not to worry about it; he and Doppio were, all in all, twins in one body, and he cared about his twin, in his ways. It had always been Diavolo’s duty to keep Doppio out of troubles and to elaborate painful and complicated decisions and information; feeling the burden of not knowing who their father was was his duty.

For the first time in his life, he was able to finally let these feelings go: he wrote that he felt like he was missing a part of himself, got lost with his father’s identity, and how, sometimes, this heavied on his heart. He wrote that he missed his homeland, sometimes, even if the memories tied to the island weren’t properly positive; still, it was home. The sea, the hard and direct language, the wind that always blew in the evening, the small and half dry bushes of tenacious mediterranean plants… it was carved in his memory. Yes, his life hadn’t been easy, but there were people, even if he could count them on the fingers of only one hand, that didn’t despise him: one was surely the priest who took care of him. The other two were three other old people: the guardian of the lighthouse, the undertaker, who mostly made sure to water all the flowers in front of the graves, and then an accabadora. Maybe his acquaintances were also one of the reasons he wasn’t so accepted between his town’s people… (A/N: an accabadora was a woman, usually an old woman, who was in charge to bring death to people who were so severely sick that their family required this kind of “service”, to spare their loved one of more pain. Some say that the accabadora didn’t literally bring death, but that was in charge to comfort the person who was dying ‘till their last breath, following ancient rituals)

He was tense the whole time he was waiting for their response. Maybe he had overshared… he was worried they could find out who he was for real -he knew it was a paranoid thought, but he couldn’t help to think about it-, but, at the same time, he was worried that he might have scared them away. He found himself… pained by that thought. They were the only person he had ever considered a real friend, and he just… didn’t want to lose them. He had never felt like that for any other person, excluding Doppio; every Capo, every subordinate, could be replaced in no time. But Y/N… they were unique. They couldn’t be replaced, and losing them… it was unbearable. His heart started to sink when, that Saturday, the day he usually received their response, his post office box was empty. Maybe it was too much for them, and they just decided to stop writing to him…

He couldn’t stop to think about it, especially now that he was back in his homeland. He had to come back in a hurry, in order to stop a group of kids who were so tenaciously trying to find out his identity… and, last but not least, they had his daughter with them. He needed to stop them before it was too late… Doppio, of course, didn’t know about the real reason behind his Boss’ orders; he just knew that he had to take care about a couple of “difficult subordinates”, but, at the right moment, Diavolo would have taken Doppio’s place, doing the dirty work.

Diavolo was dozing off a little, inside Doppio’s mind, when a buzz from his phone startled him. From Doppio’s eyes, he read the message from the post office: there was a letter from him in his box. Diavolo couldn’t help but to feel a sense of relief washing over him: Y/N had answered! So, they were still friends…

That news helped him to approach his job with a new strength. It shouldn’t have taken much time to finish those kids… he was Diavolo, after all, the most stand user of the whole world. Nothing could surpass his King Crimson.

He was sure to be home at most the next day. And then, he could have read their letter and breathed again for a little moment, as it always happened…

He couldn’t wait for it.

[paullicino]

On the Internet

Taken from, and thus generously funded by, my Patreon. The above image via ExtraFabulousComics.

Do you have a flashlight nearby? A lamp, or other light source? Keep it to hand, it might become relevant for something, something I’d like to demonstrate later. The demonstration is simple and entirely voluntary, the flashlight is not essential. It works just as well as a thought experiment in your head.

Meanwhile, I’m going to write about the internet on the internet. Because that’s what we all do these days, isn’t it?

---

I still remember the excitement of our first explorations online. It was a kind of hidden, secret space of unknown dimensions when we found it as young adults. A weird sort of Narnia. A modem meant you could open this door to an entirely different place full of entirely different people obeying entirely different rules. You had to find ways of telling one another about what you’d found this week, either the next time you were together in person, via an email or, God forbid, by printing out a webpage. Twenty-five years ago, the internet was a collection of imperfect search engines (crawlers) taking you to out-of-the-way websites that were as likely to have been made by someone just like you as they were to belong to some major company or organisation. Its mess was egalitarian. It was a decentralised place full of curious corners and sudden surprises. It wasn’t somewhere we logged on to with an expectation of finding the familiar. It was a place of discovery.

It wasn’t simply that the tech wasn’t as good as it is nowadays. That much is obvious. It was the fumbling newness of the place. It was a primordial soup, we were all blobs and we blobbed around together, testing out the water.

It was a tremendously international space. It was easy to stumble across websites in other languages, to find places that weren’t for you, that were never created with you in mind, and at the very edges of these places their owners and their users might just blend together. Spill over, even. Everyone was from everywhere and they were all mingling, uncontrolled. It was liberating. It was mind-expanding.

The internet was exciting, it was new, it was unfamiliar. It was a place to learn. It was a place without an agenda.

It was also a place to be different. Niche interests found their audiences and young people could be united by what they enjoyed, not marginalised. There was no need to fit in when the place didn’t even fit together properly. For those of us bullied, bored, or worse in tiny homogenous hometowns, isolated or upset by the toxic social dynamics and popularity contests that school can create, it offered little judgement about what you should want or who you should be. It was a place to be genuine. 

I still remember the end of the 1990s, too. It was a decade of growth and change not just for a young generation, but for the wider world we were learning about. There was a peace deal in Northern Ireland, there was optimism in the media and there was a coming millennium that was supposed to be defined by technology and communication, the internet at its forefront. I was not a young man who could identify with very much of this optimism, but I was at least a young man looking forward to change, who could be accepted as who I was on the internet and who could be excited about what it represented. I’d never tried to be anyone else, even though being different rarely works out when you’re young, but now I knew for sure that I didn’t need to.

As my friends and I grew, so did the internet, and it became a place where we could share more about ourselves, where we could play together and where we found a bunch of ways of keeping in touch whenever we were apart. It became a tool to help me work, that kickstarted my career as a writer, as well as an ever-widening window on the world. It wasn’t yet too corporate, its websites and its tools not yet too monolithic.

I remember some of that early sharing. I remember talking to total strangers, a world away, about some part of my life or theirs. I remember talking to one internet friend of many years, who I never met, about British and American spelling. And about spelling in general. I remember they told me they weren’t sure how to spell a particular word and I said they could look it up in but a moment, since they were online there and then. “I can’t be bothered,” they replied, and that frustrated me so much.

The 90s passed and on September 11th 2001 whatever vision there was for the coming century was erased. The course of world events shifted immediately and dramatically. Never before had mass murder been so visible and so immediate. I remember talking not about how different the world was going to be, but that we had no idea how big a difference this would even make. In a very short space of time, it felt as if the world became not only so much more cruel and so much more cynical, but also so much more divided. I remember the weeks and months after those terror attacks as being my first experience of seeing people sharply divided in their politics, divided enough to be extremely angry, extremely offended, by the many suggestions of what should be done next. It set the scene.

As the decade continued, technology and communication certainly did change us. More of us were using the internet not only to talk, but for more and more of our everyday tasks. We were also sharing ourselves, too, in ways more personal and profound, and there was so much to know. I read a blog post by a Black woman from the American South describing the ways she had to bring up her son to interact with the wider world, how angry he was about it, how unfair it all was. I read updates from those caught in the civil war in Myanmar, talking about what they claimed the news didn’t show. I read about the realities of the rapid growth in Dubai, the working conditions and pollution. I read diary entries by people surviving the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, weeks without power and wondering when help would come. I read about the world in a way I’d never been able to before.

More than ever, the internet was a library of lives.

The first trip overseas I took by myself was all planned, booked and executed with the help of the internet. I flew to Chicago, in the United States, and I stayed in the most average hotel in the most average neighbourhood and it was wonderful. I heard real cicadas for the first time and walked through concrete valleys between towering skyscrapers that my tiny mind couldn’t process. In the evenings, I watched a plethora of American news, which was only ever about America, and that frustrated me so much.

The first interview I ever conducted with someone who wasn’t making a video game was with the writer Mil Millington. The interviews I really wanted to do were about people, their experiences, what they liked and why they do the things they do. Mil Millington was the perfect subject because we had both written about games, we both understood the reach of the internet and we were both interested in what the future of this medium would be. He had recently scored a book deal and written his first novel, Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, based on his semi-autobiographical, tongue-in-cheek blog of the same name, listing comic domestic disagreements. I asked him what it was like to share all of his personal life online and he told me that, actually, he didn’t:

“I'm, honestly, almost obsessively private. It's just the way I write that, for some reason, if I say, 'Margret won't let me watch a film in peace,' causes people to think, 'My God! Mil's laying his whole life bare!'”

And then I realised that he had, of course, chosen to share all the things that he had. And carefully. It didn’t mean that those things were less honest, less real or less interesting, but he had been doing what all of us writers do: picking his words and his moments. We should all get to share on our own terms.

I liked his honesty. He wasn’t trying to prop up any persona.

---

A little after this time, I was asked on a date by a conservative American woman who I met in my first year at university in London. We saw each other a few times and stayed in touch when she returned to California. A couple of years later, the American Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin spoke about “death panels” run by Britain’s National Health Service. Online, I expressed my annoyance and anger both at Palin just making things up, as well as at the volume of people who seemed to simply accept her words. My former date said that Palin was allowed to “express her opinion” and I didn’t know how to begin to explain, to an adult in her mid 20s, the difference between fact and opinion, or that she could check such things in a moment, since she was online. That frustrated me so much.

This discussion played out over a relatively new website called Facebook, which had become an invaluable way to connect with my fellow students. I had feared being alone at university, lost in a big city, but the opposite had happened. As soon as we all finished our first year of studies and were hurried out of our student residences, we scattered across the capital and the closeness I had taken for granted was suddenly lost. But Facebook became a directory of friendship, another library of lives. In its early days, I made jokes about people oversharing, or using the site to attract attention, but this wasn’t any different to how some of us might behave anywhere else. It wasn’t such a big deal. That’s just humans.

And anyway, I like to share. My whole life, I’ve enjoyed sharing things I think are important because I feel like it helps me make genuine connections, express myself and feel useful. I saw the internet becoming another way of doing this, another way to be genuine. The younger me had played in bands and held dreams of reaching other people through music, in awe of those moments when an audience sings an artist’s lyrics back to them. I still wanted that, that connection, or some version of it.

On the ever-growing internet, we could all share ourselves more. It could become a new medium for acceptance and understanding. What a glorious future it promised.

---

In time, I adopted all of the social media platforms that I use because I enjoy human connection and I think one of the fundamental traits of people is that they can be so interesting. They do stuff, they make things, they go places, they inspire and they pull humour out of the most difficult of situations like a conjurer tugging an elephant from a beanie. I’d like to be able to do those things. Some days I can barely make a pancake.

Social media allowed me to make and share even more, and now I was sharing things with two people at dinner, ten people at a party or a hundred people online. The number mattered less than the creation’s ability to connect, because it all helped me figure people out and it helped me figure myself out. It helped me figure everything out so that, perhaps one day, I might also learn the trick that lets you tug an elephant out of a beanie. I would be able to say to people “Ah yes, you start with the trunk,” or “Surprisingly, you pull from the tail.” Then they could pass that on. Social media seemed particularly good for this, a way for us to all enrich one another.

In 2008, a series of devastating terrorist attacks erupted across Mumbai. Many of the events were documented in real-time by both journalists and locals using Twitter, which made the site seem to me to be an invaluable new perspective on current events. By the start of the next decade, the Arab Spring saw a broad uprising across North Africa, with thousands of people united in protest by the unifying power of social media. It felt like these tools could change our world forever.

Some other things happened as that decade wound down.

A woman on Twitter made a poor joke about AIDS and Africa before boarding a flight, only to find that, by the time she had landed, her words had been shared around the world many millions of times. A woman in England was caught on camera putting a cat in a bin, the footage of which went viral and received such an overwhelmingly furious reaction that one national newspaper asked, only half-joking, if she was the most evil woman in Britain. These events were shared, discussed and dissected with a comparable passion and level of investment as the terrorist attacks and the Arab Spring. On the internet, a cat in a bin was becoming as important as terrorists in a hotel.

I flexed some cynical opinions. We all had opinions by then (though still not the same as facts), because it was increasingly difficult not to get swept up in things like these as and when they happened. They were everywhere, echoed and repeated, with a kind of mentality of momentum. Countless people changed their profile pictures to something green in support of protesters in Iran, or added a flag to support victims of terror in France. They signed internet petitions demanding Something Be Done, though it wasn’t always clear where these petitions would be delivered or how they would compel someone to act. None of these protesters or victims were in any way saved, protected or enabled by a person on the other side of the planet clicking their mouse like this, but if a million other people did it, those metrics created a validity of their own.

I think I remember the late 2000s as the time that I really began to feel different about these things. But by then, I was too bought in. It had already gone from a habit to a dependency.

Year by year, the internet had become less egalitarian. Monolithic sites and spaces were increasingly the center of the experience, whether hubs like MSN and Yahoo, social media sites like Facebook or Twitter, or popular news outlets. We found ourselves in the same places, over and over, and we relied on these for our new discoveries. While social media in particular pitched itself as something that put us all on the same level, behind the scenes levers were already being pulled to shape and to manipulate what was shown and shared.

(That’s okay, people told me. Turn on this feature, or adjust these options, and you get to pull your own levers. That’ll undo everything. You still get to share on your own terms.)

These sites had swelled to envelop us, going from making themselves exciting to making themselves essential. We no longer went online, we were online, always, and we left more and more of ourselves there even when we were away from our screens. Social media allowed you to collect everything together, becoming a place where you could simultaneously read updates from your friends, your parents, Leonardo Di Caprio, the Prime Minister, your favourite newspaper and your favourite sports team. All in a moment and all competing for your attention. Sites like Google and YouTube started to track and understand the preferences of their users, delivering to them more of what they wanted, working hard to grab and to keep their attention. You liked that dog, that topic, that politician? Here’s another.

Here’s another, again.

I was pulling levers all the time, frantically now, like someone operating locks and gates to try and dam an ever more overwhelming flow. My social media sites had changed from something that I used to something I had to manage. Not only were we all carefully curating who we broadcast to and when, lest we offend an employer or shock a relative, we also found ourselves trying to coordinate and customise them, because if we didn’t they would do this for us. They began to choose what to show us, based on what they believed we cared about, they began to offer us things, based on who they believed we were. They even began to mess with time, giving us information and updates out of chronological order. All of these were changes we often had to undo or at least be mindful of, if we even knew about them. If we wanted to. And if we knew how.

If we didn’t, our reality might shift.

---

I still remember the excitement of our first explorations online. My first favourite website was Snopes, which was then a collection of myths and urban legends, most of them debunked. In the late 90s, bullshit chainletter emails would bounce around the internet with stories about how some Russian scientists had drilled their way to hell, or how a new computer virus had come out, or how Coca Cola dissolved human teeth. Sometimes, the strangest of stories really were true, or at least partially so, but most of them were trash. Thanks to Snopes, you could check such things in a moment. I loved that about the internet.

On September 11th 2001, almost twenty years ago now, it was difficult to disagree about what we saw happening right in front of our eyes. Nevertheless, there were a few people afterward who insisted that a plane had not hit the Pentagon, that the towers had been deliberately demolished, that some more mysterious sequence of events had transpired. They lurked in the darkest corners of the internet, much as they had always existed on any other margins in any other mediums. The rest of us could get on with our lives.

I grew up playing games and then, later, I became someone who analysed, critiqued and even designed them. One of the most powerful and important things I learned through games is that so much in life is based around systems and the longer a system is around for, the better we become at manipulating it. When a game has been around for a long time, we find many different ways to play it and sometimes we have to adjust the rules of the game to account for this. The rules for chess that we have today have seen many adjustments and revisions. The same is true for football. It is also true for our laws and for our systems of government. We have to modify these things in part because times change, but also in part because they are being abused and exploited, subverted in ways their designers never imagined.

Or simply used as optimally as possible.

It’s 2021 and the internet monoliths that we have begun to take for granted, that have surged like the rising oceans to engulf our lives and to carry us along their currents, are constantly being used in ways their designers never imagined. Two years ago, we thought the biggest problem we had with social media and internet monoliths was their subversion to manipulate elections, with great armies of bots and fake profiles being created and directed faster than the people who owned social media sites being able to prevent this. This presence could bring amplification and validity to anyone or to anything. “Learn the algorithm,” was the key to success online. Use a site or social media platform in a particular way and it will elevate you further. Elevate your work. Or your truth. Or just you.

Now, more than a year and a half into a pandemic that defines our generation, the areas of the internet with which we’ve become most familiar and most comfortable, those which we began to pour our lives and identity into, are not only places where elections were subverted, they’re places where the difference between life and death are considered a matter of opinion, where science and fact can be openly ridiculed, where conspiracies about September 11th are tiny in comparison. For some time now they’ve already been well-worn battlefields, public arenas within which opinion and force of will often carry more weight than evidence and reason, but now the consequences of doubling down on a belief are undeniably the difference between living and dying.

More important, for some people, is the difference between right and wrong. Not so much being right, but being seen being right, can give you validity, clout, value. I think we’ve reached the point where dying while being seen as right can matter more than living and admitting a mistake.

The flow of the internet, all those locks and gates opened by algorithms or AI or other people’s decisions that may simply have been motivated by a desire to give us what we like, have made it more difficult than ever to find things that go against the current, or to grasp something we can be sure is objective or straightforward.

One part of me believes that we can no longer look things up in a moment any more, because we have to second-guess every other thing we find. As a journalist and researcher, I never feel secure with what I find on the internet now and I dig, I verify and I compare, still coming away unsure, often worried I will publish something glaringly incorrect. A different part of me, a more dramatic part, sometimes wonders which things are even real.

I suppose anything is real if you can get away with it. If nobody ever notices.

---

There’s another aspect to all this, the aspect that makes me the most uncomfortable. The aspect I least enjoy discussing, but which I have to if I can fully explain myself.

Living alongside the internet, I’ve watched as some of us pull all those levers simply to control the flow as best we can, to keep ourselves afloat, but others have viewed this experience differently. They’ve seen it as a challenge, as another system they can manipulate. It’s an opportunity for them to choose how they present themselves. The more levers they pull, the greater their ability to do so. The more time they invest, the greater the result.

If you take your flashlight, lamp or light source and point it toward an object, you can easily affect the size and the shape of the shadows it will cast. Under your control, those shadows can lengthen or deepen, they can sweep and distort. A light up close can cast a gigantic shadow across a far wall, perhaps a sharp one or perhaps one fuzzy and undefined. Try it. See what you can make. The more you do it, the more tricks you can learn.

All of us try to present our best selves and all of us have our different selves, too. Forty years before I ever went online, the sociologist Erving Goffman published The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, a book about how we behave differently in different contexts. It’s natural for us to speak to our family in a different way to how we speak to our best friend, or to our colleagues, or to a crowd we might be addressing in a speech. It’s not necessarily disingenuous, it’s merely a part of the human experience. But impression management, as Goffman called it, is also a matter of degrees. Some people are more invested than others. If given the tools to perform more effective impression management, more levers they can pull, they will engage even further.

I have flexed a few cynical opinions in my life (at least as many as three, the stats suggest) but, at the same time, I think I have to admit that I have also been very naïve about people. I tend to take many of them on face value and assume they are genuine. Many of us are, perhaps even most of us. But I’ve come to know both that this isn’t always the case and that, given the opportunity, some people will use every tool at their disposal to shape a false version of themselves. We’ve found ourselves in an era where this is more possible than ever. It’s no longer simply within the purview of politicians and PR firms, it’s within reach of every one of us and all we need to do is put in the time and energy. The reward can be ever greater popularity, ever more validation

And I’m so tired of seeing this.

Over the past half decade or so, I have seen the internet and its many systems gamed more than ever. Gamed for political gain, gamed for personal gain and gamed to create images, personalities and that god-awful golem of hollow and lifeless artifice that is brand. Now a person can be a product, a new kind of commodity in this ever more opaque ecosystem.

The nausea and unhappiness I feel from all this is more than the simple declaration that I’m not a brand, I’m a person. It’s the discovery that other people, sometimes people I’ve known, really are a brand now. Their time, their energy, their life is now invested in shaping and maintaining that image, that brand, perhaps even at the expense of other pursuits. And with the right manipulations, the right tugging of the correct levers, they can perpetuate that, build that and further gain the affirmations and validations they need to prove to themselves that what they have created is as solid and as true and as real as anything else. And how would we know any different?

The ocean is not so far from my home. It’s not unusual to walk the beach or the seawall and see people engaged in impromptu photoshoots, dressed in their very best, expertly presented and shot with long lenses. A friend told me that most of these shoots are for the purpose of enriching dating profiles, that there’s an increasing feeling of expectation, a sense that everyone must present their very best selves, simply because everyone else now does so. To be on a dating site is to feel engaged in an ever-escalating competition for time and attention, to need to package oneself as the best possible product.

I don’t at all object to the idea of dating sites, but I could never get comfortable with them and I used to feel like I was browsing a human meat market, that it was all too easy for me to make judgements about people I didn’t know and then cast them aside. I felt, again, like people had become products and this was a system and a process I did not want to be part of. You can game it, people tried to tell me. There are ways to make it work better for you, it just takes a little time. I didn’t want to know.

The more time you spend trying to engage with things that aren’t genuine, the less you have for what is real.

When I use the internet these days it’s with an increasing sense of discomfort and disquiet. I find myself already on the lookout for the artificial. I second-guess people as much as I do information. I’m all too aware of the constructed persona and the deliberate framing, of that angling of a light to cast a particular shadow. In a few cases, this isn’t an abstract concern and social media in particular can be a place where I watch people I know are starkly different to the image they project be celebrated for the false façade they maintain, a façade that can be further reinforced by popularity and prominence. I see harmful and unhealthy people championed even in spite of their actions, because they have managed to engineer support and validation, or using the popularity and affirmation they have gained to push opinion over fact. The disingenuous and the distorted tie together like a greasy braid, each one reinforcing the other, and it’s no wonder falsehoods can spread so far, whether false representations or false information. I would say that sometimes I almost feel like I’m back at school, amongst the same gossip and garbage, but this is far worse than any of the toxic social dynamics and popularity contests that school ever created, and now it comes with measurable metrics in the form of likes, follows, retweets or subscriptions.

I’m sure, at this point, this is a common experience and common concern for most of us, and we are each finding our own ways to handle it.

Or not. For me, the experience is deeply unpleasant.

While drafting this I idly wondered if we could somehow develop a new version of Snopes for human beings. A demystifier of people, something that reveals each person’s private Picture of Dorian Gray, which grows ever more warped as they reinforce their persona ever more. But I’m sure even that would be gamed and subverted before too long.

I'm so, so tired of trying to work out who is real.

---

The internet monoliths I move between in my daily life all have one thing in common. Google, Twitch, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr, Facebook, Patreon and so many others are all based in the same place: the United States. They are towering. They overwhelm the rest of the internet. The levers that many of these pull, controlling currents and flow, are being operated in the United States. The politics, existential crises and cultural interests of that country are disproportionately represented and, while I care very much about the United States, I also want to hear about the rest of the world. I want to hear about where I live, and yet even that feels like it comes second. Yes, I am pulling all the levers that are supposed to make this happen. No, it isn’t entirely successful. I am using a paddle against a tsunami.

Once the bias is there, the snowball effect perpetuates. So often, whether I choose to or not, I am in that motel room watching a plethora of American news again, or its modern equivalent. It frustrates me so much. Most of us Westerners essentially live in America some of the time now, if we spend any period online. That’s where our presence and our attention are pointed.

Before publishing this essay, I changed every mention of “torch” to “flashlight” because I felt I had to cater to an internet that sees the first word only as a burning chunk of wood, not as a British battery-powered light source.

The internet doesn’t feel like the world any more. It hasn’t for a long time.

---

I can’t abandon the internet of today. I need it for work. I need it to promote the things I create. I need it to keep in touch with people. I’m not different or special, only someone too bought in as well, my use also going from a habit to a dependency. But it has almost entirely stopped being a place of delight and discovery. It has lost any sense of being egalitarian. So much less is new, so much less is unfamiliar. So much more has an agenda.

Algorithms, metrics and social media have quantified and gamified everything, encouraging competitiveness and narcissism. Public spaces have become arenas and arenas encourage performance. In an attention economy, the outrageous and the overblown mean a cat in a bin can have the same profile and presence as terrorists in a hotel. In spaces that now mix our friends, our parents, Leonardo Di Caprio, the Prime Minister, our favourite newspapers and our favourite sports teams, people we know and love are elevated or relegated according to how interesting an algorithm has decided they are, pushing them to the fore or pulling them from your view. “People on Twitter are the first to know,” says the social network that prides itself on immediacy more than integrity or fact-checking. Misinformation abounds. As the line between person and brand has smudged between all recognition, corporations insert themselves into and between everything else we try to examine. Surrounded by banner ads, the conflicts of polarised culture generate enormous revenue for monolithic American tech companies. As we fight, push our narratives, construct our personas or compete in the race to prove we are the most woke, we all make @Jack richer, or provide Zuck with more of our personal data.

I also find myself reminded of what Octavia Butler called “simple peck-order bullying,” the hierarchical behaviour where people want to, and now can, elevate themselves above others, according to identities they've built for themselves, to push their ideas, push their image, push their sense of superiority or push their opinions so hard that they can reshape them into facts. Anything is possible with enough pulling of enough levers. And now more people have more of those levers. And some of them love to pull and then push, pull and then push.

I don’t like what the internet has turned into, nor what it has turned people into.

So what now?

---

This was an essay inspired by an essay, inspired by an essay, which is always how it goes. Creativity is theft and anyone who says otherwise is only trying to distract you as they secretly shake you down. The eternal question that writers (or anyone creative) is supposed to dread is “Where do you get your ideas?” Because we aren’t supposed to know. But we do know. We get them from everyone else. We thieve them.

Ideas are pickpocketed from the people we pass in twisting evening alleyways, during the briefest moments of darkness and distraction. They’re caught with nets as they flutter with all the freedom of sweet springtime naivete. They’re spied upon from tremendous distances through the jealous lenses of sparkling telescopes. Nothing is truly ours and anyone wringing their words into a desperate defence of some unique capacity for originality ex nihilo is either deceptive or deluded.

(Avoid them. You’re likely their next target.)

This essay was heavily inspired by Lucy Bellwood reflecting on Nicole Brinkley. Both have written nuanced examinations of social media (focusing on Twitter) that I think you should make the time to read, but I’ll try and sum up the main thing I have taken from their writing in one line:

Social media is extremely bad, in a multitude of ways and for many complex reasons, and it is okay to leave it.

This is in so small part my interpretation, coloured by a particular belief I hold, that being that social media is extremely bad, in a multitude of ways and for many complex reasons, and it is okay to leave it. You can probably see why I approve.

There’s more to it than that. Brinkley talks about Twitter essentially breaking the way the Young Adult literature scene works, which to me is one facet of a dangerously seductive diamond that repeats many different stories of damage done by how we’ve used and gamed the internet. Her wonderful conclusion is that “These days it’s okay to not be sure what Twitter is for. We can stop going there until we figure it out.” And I so desperately wish I could stop going on the internet until I could figure out what it is for now, too. I wish it wasn’t essential. But it is, broken as it may be, breaking things as it may be.

While I don’t think leaving it is an option for me, I am using so much of it less. I have to. Social media, a place where I am shown arguments and controversy over the lives of people I care about, has become somewhere for me to hurriedly hurl out a quick update or two before I flee, escaping before I come across something, or even someone, that will make me sad. Any search box is a cause for scepticism, prompting me to analyse the results it gives and try a dozen different ways to find the same thing, just in case. Even Snopes is now a running commentary on the (American) news cycle. The best I can do whenever I think something fundamental to our society is unhealthy is to participate in that thing as little as possible. I know this limits my reach, limits my relevance and limits my success, but I also know that this makes me less unhappy and allows me to continue to feel genuine. Like I am still myself. Like I am still real. It may be apparent that my mental health has taken a few hits over the last couple of years. It doesn’t need to take any more.

I am not only unsure what Twitter is for, I am unsure what the whole internet is for.

---

There is no conclusion to this essay. It is supposed to be six thousand words of open-ended reflection. The past year or so has sometimes been a huge struggle for me and it really is true that some days I can barely make a pancake. Work has been difficult, writing has been difficult and maintaining regular Patreon updates has been difficult, with this piece being a huge challenge to finish. I think I’ve tried to make the best of things, as well as present an honest but still positive face to the world. I have piles of tasks to get through and I tackle what I can, with what feels like so much competing for my attention. At the same time, I can’t opt out of the systems I live and work inside of, much as I can’t stop paying rent or putting food in my mouth, because individuals can't kick a habit society has become dependent upon. I think the best thing I can do right now is be truthful about all that, try to remain as genuine as I can and continue to step away from what makes me uncomfortable, giving myself some distance from the things that make me unhappy.

That doesn’t mean I’m disappearing (I’m still checking in on social media, streaming on Twitch and so on), nor does it mean this change or this philosophy is forever, nor does it mean that things can’t improve. But it does mean I’m changing a few things about myself, my habits and my preferences. And it does mean I have a working, temporary, if unsatisfactory answer to the question “So what now?”

It is: “We’ll see.”

---

A big thanks to my Patreon community for the links I’m adding here, post-publication.

The first is How sex censorship killed the internet we love, on Endgadget, about controlling the internet in all sorts of ways and about what might be considered explicit (apparently a condom might be explicit).

Then there’s The internet Is Rotting, from the Atlantic, about bits of the internet that are disappearing and the loss of information that comes with it, as well as information that is overwritten and altered. We are keeping less than you might think.

Finally, The web began dying in 2014, here’s how, by André Staltz, talks about the growing prominence of big corporations (all American), what their priorities are, and what online things (services) they may bring to you.

[acosmic]

behaviours that are forbidden from online as of april 2, 2021 (following a brief adjustment period): defending the artistic merit of the fanfiction/YA/marveldccomicspulpymainstreammovies narrative mollycoddling hell trifecta, acting like ~lgbt~ people don’t exist in media if that media isn’t part of said hell trifecta, conspicuously reading shakespeare or carson or siken or whichever tumblr darling bc it’s “literature” and you’re over-invested in a defensive facade of intelligence and credibility, taking random posters’ inaccurate unsourced explanations of ~[insert group and subject buzzwords here]~ as fact, circulating images/videos of pets that shouldn’t be kept as pets, spreading newly-out trans people’s badly formulated opinions that they’re likely to find lacking later like they’re the trans activism gospels, not knowing the first thing about disability but invoking the figure of someone who magically has the precise ill-defined imaginary condition that’d prevent them from doing what you don’t want to do so you can smugly justify not doing it and feel like you’ve pointed out inequalities when your depiction is terrible and also does nothing to address the issues you’ve raised, discoursing online until the dead horse is even deader, making weird historiographical and epistemological claims and stuff like “humans have always ___” for uwu clout points, any variation of “tenderness” or “radical vulnerability” i swear to fucking god, obsessing over labels and slurs and hypothetical identity terminology whether niche or non-niche (also “longing”) instead of living non-hypothetically, using “intrinsic”/“inherent” to establish short-form naturalistic fallacies, constructing entire fields of strawmen, gxrlboss female gothic gender essentialism, pretending to be jaded to cover up naïveté (see also: being intensely invested in slur reclamation), using identity politics to justify your bad opinions and gloss over your lack of knowledge outside your own experience, performing adoration of the idea of trans women and then falling for the first moral panic/DARVO against your token figure, performing exaggerated attraction to This Year’s Hot New Handsome Man of Colour to show that you experience attraction wokely or something, knowing fuck all about transmisogyny and doing nothing meaningful to support trans women, establishing gender via “gender envy” as something innate that’s possessed by mostly cis white famous men but for People Like You it’s a source of jealousy and you’re endlessly trapped in this idealized impossible aspiration which is frankly kind of wrong-body narrative pathologized essential dysphoria of you and even if it’s a funny joke it’s not a great way to conceptualize gender and aspirations, tagging boring outfits like they’re fashion, white theyfab-centric discussions of gender, digital blackface, weird knee-jerk defenses of stuff you’re overinvested in, feeling disconnected from community and history and making them up instead of finding them, making me see pictures of dogs when i really hate dogs and think everyone should tag them, “supporting small businesses” but anticapitalism (???), ~visibility~, pronouns/bathrooms sub-entry-level trans “allyship”, being annoying in my activity feed, uwuifying trans men, pathologizing your entire being, dealing with depression by not doing anything, using the very subjective moral standards of your specific internet circle to justify harassment campaigns and/or callout posts when that’s usually not a remotely suitable reaction, 2017 bathroom thread behaviours, claiming that any remotely firm parameters or standards are gatekeeping, posting angsty amateur autofiction/art about being trans instead of keeping a diary and posting about cool robots or something because cis people are less likely to write really bad angsty fiction based off of that and as per baby trans principles you’re likely to regret it, seeking attention via self-deprecation/oversharing/guilt trips, posting music that really sucks, bad DIY tips, anti-intellectualism

behaviours that are on the menu for april 2, 2021, and beyond: this cat :)

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

every time I remember you, I regret not writing to you more often. So, here I am again. There are so many things on my mind ... but as I am typing, I know one thing I can start with, or more like dedicate this whole letter to. I think it's a good time to write everything down here and now – to you. It’s  personal, I hope no one I know ever find this, the chances are zero, but even if, it doesn’t matter anyways. So, it will be a long letter, you’re warned!

It started in fall, one and a half years ago, when I was at a friends place. She had invited some friends over to hang out in the evening. Another friend of a friend was also coming, he wasn’t there yet and I didn’t know him, just his name from stories. So we were sitting in the room, playing something as he also arrives. The moment he entered the room, I knew. Normally I don’t „sense“ the energy someone brings or something like that, but in this moment, I just felt I would like him. I felt we would get along. And I wasn’t wrong.

We all continued to play and chat, I didn’t talk to him directly that evening, just within the group. One time someone said something and he responded, the answer he gave, the words he chose and how he pronounced them were exactly what I was thinking and how I would’ve responded myself. There is this quote I read some months ago, it’s about how with so many people on this planet, it’s no coincidence that others are thinking the same, but it’s still a fucking wonder to meet someone who says what you are thinking. But I didn’t know this quote back then, I just sat there and felt it’s immensity. The next really weird thing, well, one of the thirst things I noticed probably, he looked and spoke just like him. With him I mean the one (and to this day still the only) person I was „lovestroke“ for. Really, if you could see them both, you wouldn’t believe it either. With the difference, that he was not only cuter, but also the fact that he was in that room and friends with my friends, what meant that we two might actually have things in common. Kind of unreal! For a moment I also thought: How come y’all never introduced us? Isn’t it obvious we are alike, or might be? How could we know our friends for years but our paths never crossed? Of course everyone only has their lives on mind, but this just crossed my mind in an egocentric flash. Well on this evening, we all didn’t stay long. When I walked home I checked to find his social media, but his account was private and I didn’t send a request. Shortly after when I came home I got a notification and saw that he followed me.

After that night – nothing really happened. Not nothing, we sometimes texted a bit. We skipped smalltalk, just talked about music and stuff, but like I said, not much. Once he told some personal things. Nothing more. There were a lot of other things going on in my life and it just got less.

Many weeks later when I hung out with two of the friends who also know him, they mentioned his name, then looked meaningful at each other. When I looked confused, one friend told me the two of them hooked up, but it was clear she wasn’t positive about it or him. She didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to come across interested.

Let’s fast forward several months. It was summer and our mutual friend asked me if I’d be down to go swimming the next day. I said yes and got to hers in the morning and she suddenly said we’ll drive to his and pick him up because he’ll be coming as well. I literally went „!“ inside. So we got there and picked him up. Everything was normal, we met other friends and went swimming. Before that I wasn’t sure how it will be, if I’d still get this feeling, or do I just like him friendship-wise? But this afternoon let no doubt. It was a crush. We talked a bit and also I recognised that he looked at me sometimes. I was sure I wasn’t just imagining.

A month later a big group of friends went on holidays together for a week, including me and him. One night when just the two of us were outside and talking I regretted everything later in bed because I thought I messed it up by not talking much and when saying the wrong things and so on. But then, one night, he slept in my room and we finally hooked up. Also the next day in the bathroom. On our way home we also cuddled in the car and when we said goodbye we said we’ll see each other. Usually, after a week with many people I’d want to chill, but I immediately had the urge to see him again the moment I sat down on my bed. We texted and set up a date a few days later. I couldn’t wait.

We met and went on a hill to watch the sunset. We made out and walked around. It never felt so right for me to hold someones hand publicly. I also told him I would leave for a while, in a month. Before we said goodbye, we talked. I was kind of an idiot because I overshared, and lowkey told him I like him, which I regretted later. When I walked home that night I remember smiling like a dumbass. When I thought about him, I had to smile. Never had I thought that this can be true, that you just have to smile and can’t fight it. So weird. Felt like I was micro dosing molly for a week straight.

Anyways. Then the trouble began. Nothing big in the beginning, but it was very hard to set up dates with him in general and when we were about to meet again he cancelled right before. It wasn’t like when you make plans with someone and they then can’t make it and you’re fine with it, because I was actually sad about it. Also it felt more like it was due to his mismanaged time and that it wasn’t as much as a priority for him. When I saw him in person I felt like he reciprocated everything, which I also never experienced like this. So I was confused. Then I straight up texted if he wants to see me again, or not really? Something that I would have never done that quickly anytime before, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up and was running out of time before I was leaving. He replied that I got it wrong, he really wants to see me again.

And we saw each other again. I went to his place. There was a bit of a fog over it in the beginning, but i eventually passed and we hooked up. I slept there. The next day, he brought me to the train. I think we even kissed as goodbye. He said he would like to do this again, I replied I’d love to. This was the last time I saw him for about a year.

I texted the next days for new plans, nothing came out of it. So I decided to wait for him to ask the next time. I waited 7 days. I almost went mad. It was his birthday in between and I decided not to text him, would’ve been weird. I texted a friend, who's also friends with him and asked if I could meet her. We met and I told her pretty much the whole story. She listened the whole time and asked things in between. Then she said she knows the reason he didn’t reach out. He has another girl and is really in love. I started crying in the middle of the street.

He would have never told me, called, texted or just anything. I was hurt by that. My friend said she would talk to him and hint that he should tell me. And he actually texted me a few days later if I would want to meet „to talk“. I agreed. When he finally responded he postponed the meet up again. I couldn't wait another several days for a conversation that he might reschedule again. It was clearly not important to him at all. I said we should just drop it. That’s was it. No final talk.

Months later, when I was back in town, I saw him on Bumble. I asked my friend about it, but she said it’s weird since she still has his girlfriend. Then I see him on Tinder with an up to date profile. In my mind-delusion I assumed they might actually not date anymore and my friend just doesn’t know yet. Then I saw him again for the first time since everything at a party. He talked to me normally, like nothing happened. Some days later I ask friends why he is on Tinder when he still has a girlfriend. For some reason a part of me expected to hear „oh yeah they broke up“, but no, they told me they both are on there to meet „friends“. I let my illusions go and tried to accept everything as it was.

The funny thing is, I started the draft to this story some days ago. Wanted to write it down to be finished with it and let it go once and for all. Since then I found out they broke up. But this doesn’t mean anything now. I accepted that there will be nothing serious between us, or, at least, I am on the best way to it. I will see him again, because of our mutual friends. So we’ll see how I will do.

I just rarely had such a vibe with someone and it's hard to let that go, you know? Meeting someone you could actually fit together with, someone you feel like you can be authentically yourself in front of at some point, ... it basically never happens. It would have been easier to let it go if he would have been honest and told me in a last talk. Of course, in the beginning I would have been sad as well, but eventually, there is less potential to obsess when it feels finished. And doing the correct thing is what stays, I'm not just saying that, you know I really do appreciate it. Still don't know if I should be angry or just forgive by myself, without ever bringing it up again.

That’s all about this story for now.

I really hope you are good.

Love,

ZL