#over the weekend I saw some people taking prom photos or whatever there and when I was thinking of locations I thought it would be Funny

[chiropteracupola]

it's ALISON!

[gravelyhumerus]

Criminal Minds College AU - Chapter 2

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Title: “I may just take your breath away”

Relationship: Jemily

Summary:

Jennifer Jareau is having boyfriend troubles. Emily Prentiss tries to help and offers her cookies. 

Slow-burn Jemily college AU where they live across the hall and despite all odds, the universe pushes them together. AKA they’re silly gay babies who pine after each other for months.

Read it on AO3

Tumblr:  One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, (bonus scene), Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Epilogue

Jennifer Jareau tossed her phone down onto her bed and grit her teeth.

“What do you mean I can’t come visit?” He had texted her, “I’m your boyfriend.”

JJ huffed.  She couldn’t deal with this right now, it was too much. Classes were kicking her ass, and she barely had enough time to breathe let alone entertain her long-distance boyfriend.

She glanced at her whiteboard calendar, noting how the next week was absolutely covered in deadlines, tests and games all written in different colours in her small, neat handwriting.

She had this essay to do tonight, a midterm to study for tomorrow, close to two-hundred pages of readings and a dozen other commitments. On top of that she had promised her friend that they would apply to work in student government next week and she had some applications to fill out for that.

He didn’t seem to understand that she was balancing her increasingly challenging full course load, playing varsity soccer and trying to maintain her friendships with people who were actually still in the same city as her.

Finding herself working up to a panic, JJ realized she needed to calm down or she was going to have a full-blown anxiety attack and that was the last thing she needed.  

She was alone in her dorm room, feeling particularly alone without Penelope Garcia’s cheery presence on the other side of the room to keep her company. Penelope was currently at the library, working on some sort of group coding project and JJ didn’t expect her home until much later.

She rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose, held it in, and then let it out through her mouth.

She reached under her blankets and retrieved her stuffed animal, a bunny she had named Fluffy when she was little, and clutched it to her chest, falling back into her bed. While she debated bringing him to college, JJ hadn’t slept a single night without the toy by her side, and she wasn’t about to start any time soon. She still remembers the time Rosaline helped her sew a shirt for him to wear. After her sister died, JJ found herself clinging onto Fluffy as much as she did when she was a kid.

She stared at her ceiling and her rows of fairy lights twinkled back to her. To her left, a photo of her and William LaMontagne Jr. smiled mockingly at her. He had his arm thrown casually across her shoulder, and she was leaning into his chest. It was from prom. Her hair was in long curls and a deep navy dress made her feel like a princess. Will matched her pocket square. He was looking at her with utter adoration while she smiled into the camera.

Things were so much simpler in high school when she had one goal, one focus: getting out. Last year was a rush of excitement, with everything feeling new and exciting that she blamed all her relationship problems on being overwhelmed with the transition. She promised Will, back when she was home this past summer, that things would be different this year, that they would have more time for each other.

What she meant was that she would make more time for him.

So far, she had not held up her side of the bargain. It was already October and she had not come home once, despite how she had promised to visit whenever she had a spare weekend. He was right to complain that he was always the one to call her, and not the other way around.

Now Will was coming to visit her, and despite her placating words, she really wished he didn’t. She couldn’t handle it.

She bit her lip. Why couldn’t she just be happy with her nice boyfriend who springs surprise visits on her? She understood why he was upset with her. He already bought his ticket and JJ did say that she wanted him to visit.

But now that it was happening she felt overwhelmed with the prospect.

She had noticed the weight lifting off her shoulders this fall, as she spent more and more time away from home. Away from him.

Which was so, deeply, incredibly selfish of her. They were nearing two years. Two perfectly nice years together. He always dealt with all of her baggage with such grace, her family loved him, and they had all these mutual friends who were talking about how JJ and Will were definitely going to get married.

Here, at college, JJ was just JJ. She wasn’t JJ and Will or JJ with the dead sister. He tethered her back to her life, her town. What she was desperately trying to get away from.

A hot, angry tear fell out of her eye and dripped down her cheek. She sat up.

Pulling a zip up sweater over her current outfit of sweat pants and a sports bra, JJ decided that tea would make her feel better. She tugged her long, blonde hair up in a high ponytail, wiping the last of the wetness of her face with her sleeve. She put her lanyard with the key around her neck, not really caring how she looked.

She needed to get back to her essay as soon as possible. She had wasted too much time on her fight already. Tea would help. Tea would get her brain working again and calm her down.

Whenever she couldn’t sleep, or she was up late studying for a test, her mom would always knock on her door, softly, and smile as she brought in a large cup.  When she sent JJ off to college, it was with a bright pink tin full of assorted tea bags and a new mug with a rabbit on it. Holding onto it made JJ smile.

Walking down the hall in her socked feet, with her tea, mug and packets of sugar in her arms, JJ made her way to the communal kitchen. JJ found that she was quite angry with herself for not listening to her mom and buying a kettle so she didn’t have to leave her room for hot water.

She made a mental note to order one online.

In the meantime, she passed through the common area and walked into the kitchen, which smelled amazing.

The air was filled with the warm scent of freshly baked cookies. It surrounded her like a hug, reminding her of baking with her grandmother when she was little.

She looked around the tiny kitchen, which was on the smaller side, populated with a round table, a couple of fridges, a microwave, the oven and stove top and the old kettle, which was the target of JJ’s visit.

JJ opened the oven and peered in, peeking at the beautiful cookies which looked about halfway done. Not quite golden brown yet, but definitely melting into shape.

She wondered who would be baking cookies at—she checked her watch—eleven at night on a Tuesday, but I guess it was college and anything goes here.

Seeming to answer JJ’s question, the kitchen door opened, revealing her neighbour Emily, who was wearing a baggy black shirt that was for a band that JJ had never heard before and colourful, cat patterned, PJ pants. She seemed startled to find JJ gazing down into the oven.  

“Admiring my handiwork?” Emily said, and JJ pulled back from looking longingly at the oven.

“It’s a bit late for baking, isn’t it?” JJ blurted out, then immediately kicking herself, worrying that she may come off as rude.

Emily took her comments in stride, laughing and sitting down at the table. JJ turned and began to fill the kettle with water from the sink, flustered at her own accidental hostility.  

She hadn’t seen Emily for a while, since that house party last weekend, despite their dorm room doors facing one another.

The other girl was a bit of an enigma to JJ. They travelled in similar circles, at least the ones that didn’t revolve around soccer. But, by some twist of fate, they had only really talked beyond pleasantries for the first time outside of that bathroom.

“No,” Emily retorted, “Midnight is the perfect time. I usually have the kitchen to myself.”

“Oh sorry,” JJ said, feeling bad for interrupting and kicking herself for being so bold, “I just need the kettle, then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“I don’t mind a visitor,” Emily said, “I just meant that this floor is always so busy and loud during the day. It’s peaceful at night.”

Emily was right. Their floor, while not that bad of a party floor, had really thin walls and people were typically more than aware of each other’s business. JJ found that with some people, she either had overheard enough of their conversations or had been told most of their business by her very nosey roommate, Penelope.

But Emily seemed to keep to herself, mostly. Her room was decorated with band posters, a few photographs that JJ had always been a bit too far away to examine in much detail, and a fun tapestry hung over the head of her bed. She knew she often heard loud music from her room, long past quiet hours, but never too loud that it was annoying. She mostly saw her hang out in Derek Morgan’s room, and wondered if the two were dating. Their relationship looked a lot healthier than JJ had with Will, at least, whatever they were.

JJ clutched her tea cup as the kettle heated up, leaning against the counter. JJ bit at her lip as she realized she had left her phone upstairs, mid-fight with Will. The sinking feeling that was overwhelming her upstairs was beginning to settle back into her stomach after the momentary distraction.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked.

JJ didn’t realize that her expressions were that easily legible.

“I had a fight with my boyfriend,” JJ admits, surprising herself with sharing the information.

Typically she likes to lean into the put together perception that people have of her. JJ liked to keep the messy details to herself.

But, even in the cold glow of the fluorescent flights, there was something warm and friendly about Emily, despite her edgy aesthetic, that drew JJ in. Maybe it was the smell of cookies surrounding them that made her relax.

“Oh!” Emily says, “I’m sorry. What’d he do?”

“ He didn’t do anything. He’s wonderful,” JJ explained, “Uh- He’s too wonderful. He booked a surprise visit for next weekend but I have a midterm that Monday.”

“Ah shit,” Emily commiserated.

“There are a couple people who he knows in town so he wouldn’t be bored or anything, I just worry that I wouldn’t be able to focus on school if he was here.”

Emily nodded.

“I just wish he checked first.”

He did that a lot. He made decisions for her, all in the hopes of making her happy or making her life easier, and often at the expense of her plans or feelings. She just wished he had spoken to her beforehand this time.

The kettle boiled.

“Do you want any tea?” JJ asked Emily, secretly hoping she would be offered a cookie in exchange. “It’s uh-” she checked the label “-sleepy time.”

Emily smiled and nodded.

“I think there’s some spare mugs here,” JJ said, retrieving one from the drying rack.

JJ filled the two mugs, letting the hot water mix with the fragrant tea, watching the water turn a warm and rich brown. The slightly minty blend of chamomile and various other fruity teas competed with the cookies for JJ’s senses.  

“That smells amazing,” Emily commented. “What kind of tea is it again?”

“You’ve never had sleepytime tea?” JJ giggled. “I feel like my mom made me and my sister drink it any time we had bad dreams or were up past our bedtimes.”

“I didn’t know you have a sister,” Emily said, trying a sip of her tea.

“Yeah,” JJ said, sipping her warm drink and bracing herself for the other girl’s reaction. “I did.”

“Oh,” Emily said, stunned. “Oh gosh I’m so sorry.”

Emily’s phone went off, her alarm for the cookies blaring through the tiny speakers, interrupting the pity before it started. Emily smiled at JJ softly before waking over to the tiny oven and lifted the baking sheet out, using a bunched up dishcloth as an impromptu oven mitt.

“So why cookies?” JJ asked, changing the subject. “Is there a bake sale or something?”

“No reason,” Emily replied, “They’re better than the cookies from the café. Sometimes you just gotta do things that make you happy.”

JJ nodded.

“Anyways it lets me de-stress. An hour out of my room when all I have to do is make sure I don’t burn cookies.”

“That is important,” JJ said, “I would rather not have to stand out in the rain in the middle of the night because someone burnt some cookies down here.”

“I would never,” Emily said, “Scouts honour. If I set off the fire alarm, I’d do it with something better, something more interesting, like actual arson.”

JJ choked on her tea, giggling at the other girl.

Emily was funny. And nice. She never got the chance to thank her for helping out at the party last week, getting her teammate Kennedy some water and keeping JJ company in the hallway.

Emily grinned, scooping the cookies off the tray and onto a small plate. She returned to the table they were sitting at and placed it in the middle of the table, tilting it towards JJ, offering her one.

“For me?” JJ asked.

“It’s the barter system,” Emily said, “tea for cookies. We’re making our own economy here on floor two.”

“That makes sense,” JJ said through a mouthful of cookie. They were delicious, gooey and chocolatey and oh soo warm.

“Good?” Emily asked.

“Very good.”

“So,” Emily said, “What are you going to do about your boyfriend thing?”

“I have no idea,” JJ admitted, “I don’t think long distance is working.”

Emily nodded, and JJ could feel her eyes watching her, waiting for JJ to say something.

“He was my high school sweetheart, you know? I didn’t want to do what all the other people going away to college and just break up because we were far away. I thought we could do it.”

She sighed.

“Sometimes,” Emily said softly, “People just grow apart. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

JJ looked into her cup of tea. Maybe she and Will were just growing apart. Maybe that’s what it was. He was at the police academy and seemed to have endless free time. He was always calling her, checking in, his focus was entirely on her and JJ felt so torn. She wasn’t just busy, she felt like she was missing out on her new life here every time she spent the evening on FaceTime with him.

She sighed, it was too late to be thinking about this too much, she still had work to do, she still had to get some semblance of a night’s sleep before her practise the next day.

“What really matters,” Emily continued, “Is if you enjoy spending time with him.”

JJ looked away.

“I mean,” Emily said, “Isn’t that the point of dating someone?”

Her heart thudded with the feelings that tied themselves into knots in her stomach. Did she even want him to come? Did she even miss him?

The answer was clear to her, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to admit it.

“Thank you for the cookies,” JJ said with a smile.

She stood up and collected her things.

“I should probably go back to my fight with him.”

Emily opened and then closed her mouth, visibly confused.

“I am currently mid-fight,” JJ explained. “I left my phone in my room. I just needed a break.”

She paused and sighed.

“I also have an essay due tomorrow morning that I have to finish.”

“That's a lot,” Emily said frowning in sympathy, “Another cookie for the road?”

JJ accepted the gift and left Emily with her cookies, hoping that she didn’t bother the girl too much with her relationship drama. Emily waved at her as she left.

She went back to her room and found her phone buzzing with missed calls from her boyfriend. Gone was the peace and calm that surrounded her in the kitchen as she ate cookies with her new friend Emily. JJ fell back into a pit of frustration as soon as she picked up her phone.

Her thumb hovered above the call button, as she instinctively went to call him back. She hesitated, and instead, she turned off her phone.

Placing it on her night stand, JJ opened up her laptop and began to edit her essay.

[closer-stars]

It Just Takes A Little Pull - Yunho

Member: Yunho (with mentions of Mingi and Yeosang) Genre: Fluff Requested: Yes @atinyxtopia AU: High school (Prom) Word Count: 3k Content: It’s High school. Prom things. Kind of a slow start. Female reader. Boys being fun boys.  Note: I have not thought of prom since I left high school so this was an interesting thing to write. I tried my best and I hope it reaches your standards.

A part of you wished your school accepted both girls and boys, it might have saved you from spending double on events such as school fairs, fundraising events, prom. Unfortunately, you went to a school that was exclusively for girls. Yunho was also at an exclusive boys school. Truth be told, a part of you also wished that your school accepted both girls and boys just so you could see him more. Alas, you could only see him after class hours or on weekends-- at least you had something to look forward to. 

You were part of the varsity, while he was on the dance team. Both of you were a world or two apart for a good majority of your school years. You’ve heard of your fellow schoolmates fawn over his skills and face more than one. Deep down, you actually considered him your school’s representative heartthrob. The same could be said for you on his side. Boys have come to respect your skill and often talk about you in their hallways. In the end, you both knew each other by face and reputation but that’s all. 

Some of your friends have wondered just exactly how you became friends with him. It was always the same story. Yeosang’s sister was your senior captain, you crashed at her place one time, from there you met Yeosang and then you met Yunho. 

“Crap, I’m so sorry!”

“Oh my god, I’m sorry!”

Yunho and you ended up crashing into each other. Only thanking each other’s fast reflexes for being able to avoid falling over. A quick glance at each other’s face then either of you bolted in the other direction, too embarrassed to say anything else.

“Unnie, who’s the other guy? I thought you only had one younger brother?” You asked, as you towel dried your hair. 

The older female looked up at you after a moment or two, she was always a sucker for these dramas. “Hm? Oh! That’s Yunho. I think he’s sleeping over tonight since he and Yeosang has a project or something. Dunno with that kid.” She said with a shrug. 

Play it cool. “So that’s Yunho..” You mumble. You knew who he was but it was always from a distance. 

“Sang. You didn’t tell me you have a twin sister.”

The boy looked at the human embodiment of a golden retriever in surprise, a bit of annoyance on his features as he had to pause his video game. “Yunho, what are you even talking about?” 

“I saw another girl earlier??” He explained, gesturing at the direction of where he saw you.

“Dude, that’s my sister’s teammate.” Yeosang explained, mentioning your name. That’s when it clicked in Yunho’s mind. That was you. 

“She looks cool.” 

“I’m more concerned for your head if you think we look alike.” 

“Think you can introduce me to her?” 

A yell from Yeosang and Yunho looked up at him in concern. Yeosang dropped the gaming console in disappointment before turning to the male.“I’m blaming you for making me die.”

Yeosang did follow through with Yunho’s wish, after plotting with his sister that is. How else do you get insanely active people to bond? Food. Their mother had left them money for the night while she had to go on a business trip. What were the chances that the both of you would sleep over at their place on the same day? 

From that day on, the rest was history. You and Yunho were now pretty inseparable (as inseparable as you guys could be that is). The both of you would talk to each other whenever possible, much to the teasings of your friends because hey, what’s so funny? Why are you smiling while messaging something? Do you have a crush? 

You were finally one of his admirers, eventually catching feelings for him. It was hard not to and you could see why he had a fanclub or two in other schools. Did he return those feelings? You weren’t sure but you were happy with how the both of you were now. 

Fast forward a year later and the friendship has become one of the strongest friendships you have in your high school life. Both of you are now at the fated year level where the main topic of discussion would be prom. 

“Hey, do you have a prom date already?” Your best friend asks you as you ate your lunch thoughtfully. You look at her with suspicion. “What?”

“You have plans of setting me up with someone?”

“Why would I have plans? Also does that mean you haven’t asked Yunho yet?”

Your bottom lip juts out and you continue to eat, thus causing your best friend to groan. 

“My godd, you’ve known Yunho this long and you haven’t asked him?! Hey, did you even know he doesn’t entertain any of those love confessions anymore?” She complains to you. 

Confused eyes look at her for saying such things. “What does that even have to do with me?”

She shakes her head. “I’m just saying, ask him. If he’s not available then I can ask my brother, Hansol to go with you.” 

You flash an ‘okay’ sign at her, mouth full with noodles. Your free hand then reaches for your phone. 

[KKT: Dancing Doggo] Hey are you free on February 21 5PM to 10PM? It’s my prom, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?

Your best friend watches as you compose the message and before you could even stop her, she had already pressed send for you. “Hey!” A tone of mild annoyance was clear in your voice as you try to bring your phone away from her. 

“Believe me, you’ll thank me later.” She says with such a grin, you might as well have called her the devil incarnate. Your phone buzzes almost immediately making you jump. Without another word, both of you huddle around your phone. 

[KKT: Sonic] Yeah! Of course I’m willing! Are you free also on March 6, same time? Same reasons. Hehe. 

That was when your best friend suddenly tackled you into an almost bone crushing hug. “I told you!” A hand is then placed over her loud mouth as you try to hush her. 

[KKT: Dancing Doggo] I’d be honored! It’s a deal then! :)

Maybe having to pay double for two proms wasn’t that bad then. 

The fateful day of your own prom arrives and you were actually pretty nervous about it. You’ve worn your own share of skirts and dresses but it was never this extravagant or feminine as your prom dress. A high-low skirt that starts below your knees down and ends just brushing above the floor when you’re in heels. The color matched your skin tone well, making you practically glow under the lighting. Your hair and face was all made up and to be honest, you were surprised that you could look like that under that much makeup and hair spray. A small part of you worried that the color you chose wouldn’t go well with Yunho but even before you could say your worry, he reassures you it was no problem. “Besides, if it doesn’t. I can pick the color for my prom.” He joked to you a few weeks back. Your mother takes a few photos of you before letting you go. 

You head towards the lobby that’s sprinkled with your own classmates in dresses that are just as beautiful if not more, along with a few familiar faces from Yunho’s school and others in suits that fit them nicely. You sent Yunho a message wondering where he is and just as you did so, you immediately spot him by the elevator, with Yeosang. 

“Yunho!” You call out, speeding towards the two boys and they look up at you both in shock. Your eyes lingered on Yeosang’s amusing reaction, it was rare to get a big reaction from him so having him look at you with eyes wider than him being caught eating his own sister’s food was fun. While on the other hand, Yunho was gazing at you, clearly dazed. He’s had his share of harbouring romantic feelings for you but to see you in such a dress that gracefully brought you out of your comfort zone had him at a loss for words. 

You squish Yeosang’s cheeks together much to his annoyance then shift your attention to your partner for the night. You look at his suit properly and find yourself breathing a sigh of relief. “At least I picked a color that suits you well too.” You say as you pin the boutonniere on his suit carefully. 

“Hey, I told you I’m lucky boy.” He points out as he slightly bends lower to not give you a hard time. His statement makes you hit his chest lightly. 

“Whatever, Yunho.” You return with a roll of your eyes. Yeosang excuses himself as he finally spots his prom date, who was surprisingly your best friend. “Yeosang! Tell her she owes me an explanation.” He looks at you, confused at the vague wording but knows better than to pry. He nods before making his way to her, leaving the both of you alone. 

Some of your peers slowly start to enter the venue. “Should we follow them or do you want to stay outside a little longer?” asks Yunho, turning to you. 

A small hum of thought slips through your red lips. “Let’s go! I want to see how they made the place.” You reply with an excited grin. Your partner for the night then offers his elbow for you to hook your hand to. 

“M’lady.” he jokes and for a moment he swears your giggle actually sounded cute. Your hand shyly holds on to the crook of his arm. 

“How cheesy of you.” 

“It’s prom. Might as well make the most out of it.”

He was right. For the entire night, the two of you exchange laughter and sassy remarks, ultimately becoming the life of your table (much to the embarrassment of your best friend and Yeosang. Athletes and dancers in one table might have been too much for her heart to take). He made you join the games that were sprinkled throughout the event (you guys won and Yunho wasn’t going to let you forget that). His presence was enough to make your stomach hurt from laughter. There was something in how he interacted with those around him that made them feel at ease. A small voice in your head thought of how you were perfectly fine keeping these feelings to yourself as long as you don’t lose him. The only time both of you mellowed down was during the meal proper. It wasn’t anything over the top but it was fancy enough to let you know the organizers put enough thought. 

The much awaited slow dance had come-- as if it weren’t obvious by the cheesy lightings and song choices by the DJ. Some couples have made their way to the dance floor, excited to have some sort of “moment” with their partner. You didn’t say much, being fine in your seat as you watched the others dance. This wasn’t going to pass with your partner though. In fact, he stands up first and offers his hand. You look at the hand that comes up to your view towards the owner of the outstretched hand.

“Let’s dance. We’re not leaving this place until we get to dance.” Yunho says firmly. 

“Fair warning, I don’t have feet like you do.” You return as you take his hand and stand up. 

“I got you. Don’t worry.” He reassures, flashing you that charming smile that has managed to get the girls to squeal earlier in the games. He leads you to the dance floor, guiding one hand to rest on his shoulder (thank god for heels), the other hand laced with his. His free hand then rests on your waist and for the first time that night, you felt conscious of how you looked in front of him. You had to admit, the dress, makeup and hair you had on tonight was lovely but to be under his gaze at such close distance for who knows how long has made a pink hue dust your cheeks, and you were sure that wasn’t blush. 

“Just follow my lead okay?” He says softly. His feet then slowly step to one side, letting you follow him. Just below his breath, soft enough for no one to hear but loud enough for your ears only, he counts to the tempo of the song, helping your ears tune in to what he hears. He’s done this in the past with you, with songs that he covers: all of which were fast paced. A slower paced song such as the one playing on the speakers was new to you. You have songs that you’ve shared in the past where you can pay attention to it as a whole then pay attention to what beats he catches underneath all the layers. This time though, you had nowhere else to distract yourself with. After getting the hang of the motions, you look up at him and find him gazing at you softly. “Got the hang of it?” 

You nod, trying your best not to look at his lips. He smiles again, proud of you for having done so. “We can stay like this for another song or two if you want. I know you’re tired of being in heels for the past few hours.” He reassures. 

“I’m fine. I promise. Maybe another song wouldn’t hurt.” You return. One song was enough for you to feel light headed from how close the both of you were, much more when you get a whiff of his cologne. The cloud nine feeling ends soon, with the MC letting the rest of the night be upbeat songs. You breathe a sigh of relief, wanting to give your feet a break from having to almost be on your tiptoes for the entire night. Yunho leads you out of the dance floor, and out into the lobby where the cool air helps you breathe easy. 

Some familiar faces were already outside too. From the looks of it, you could tell that Yunho also recognized them, judging from how jumpy he started to be. “Oh, Mingi’s here too huh?” He muses. Uh-oh. That meant one thing. The group was about to only have one brain cell for the remainder of the night. 

Both of you make your way to their table, the girls having the couch and the heels off their feet-- which you quickly followed once you sat down. The boys on the other hand sat opposite their side. Both having either iced tea or iced coffee with some snacks. Yunho then introduces you to the rest of his friends. You knew the girls too from another class. The rest of the night was once again filled with laughter. As some of the boys decided to try to fit their feet into the heels, some using the heels as a phone. Hell, Mingi tossed a heel at Yunho and they quickly hit the whoa. The girls, including you, found entertainment and embarrassment at their antics, even going as far as teaching them how it feels to be a girl at the worst times. 

One by one, the people in your table leave. Either to be picked up by their parents, or up into their rooms in the hotel. It was only you and him left once more. Your coffee was watered down and half empty. Yunho’s bottle of water wasn’t any different from yours. A comfortable, yet slightly awkward silence goes over the both of you. 

“Thank--

“Thanks for--”

Pause.

Laughter.

“You first-”

“You fi-”

Pause again. 

Then Yunho gestures for you to speak first. “Thank you for coming with me. I had a lot of fun tonight.” Your heart races as you speak. You hope this isn’t from the coffee and rather from the nerves of being just alone with him like this. “I’m sorry also for having you to bring me out of the venue when it was your type of music playing… I know you like to dance to those songs too..”

“I should be the one thanking you for inviting me. Even if you didn’t, I would’ve invited you to my prom.” He confesses, ears bright red as he does so. He rubs the back of his neck as he finds the next words. “Don’t worry about the music part. I can always play those songs in my free time and there’s still my prom. More chances to embarrass you too.” 

“Jung Yunho.”

“What?” He laughs at the sight of your stern face. “You know your strict face isn’t scary to me. You love me too much for that.” You hate how right he is, you also hate how he doesn’t know just how right he is. 

He looks at the clock then helps you into your heels. “Let’s get you back to your parents. They’re probably wondering where their little princess is.” He teases again which causes him to receive another whack on his arm. “What? You do look like one tonight!” You slowly push yourself to stand up. The pain of being on your tiptoes rushing back. He holds you gently, making sure you don’t wobble. 

“Easy there. I know you’re strong but even you got your limits.” He accompanies you to the elevator. 

“How about you?” 

“What about me?”

“How are you getting home?” 

He glances at you, somehow catching himself off guard with the change in distance. Why was it only now that he gets surprised by how close your face was to his. Heels really are something. 

“Oh, Yeosang and I got a room too. Are you worried about me?” He teases, batting his eyelashes at you. 

“Yunho, I swear--”

Before you could finish your words, the doors of the elevator slide open and both of you immediately enter. 

The ride up was a slow one. Both of you didn’t know that your rooms were on the same floor too, only on different sides of the building. 

Somehow, a part of you was hoping for something. You didn’t know what it was but you wanted something to happen. The same goes for Yunho. His hand immediately then holds you back gently. 

“I need to tell you something.” He says softly, his eyes downcast. Your stomach drops at his body language. Did he like someone else? Was he leading you on this whole time? 

“I actually wanted to tell you this earlier but there wasn’t really a good time for me to say it.” The words were flying a mile a minute. He could’ve beaten Mingi when it came to fastest speaker at this point. “I just really wanted to tell you that I have feelings for you. Not.. as friends but as something more.” He explains. His eyes steady on you, with no sign of his signature mischievous glint in his eyes. 

It catches you off guard, a little too lost for words because, Jung Yunho? He has a crush on you? Are the feelings mutual? He takes your silence as something else and drops his hand. “If you don’t feel the same way, that’s totally fine. We can stay as friends. I just.. Felt--”

“Jung Yunho, I like you too.” You immediately blurt out. 

His face brightens up at your words and he wraps his arms around you in relief. “We don’t have to be officially together if you want. We can just take it slow or just--” 

His lips feel nice against your own. The taste of the chocolate he ate earlier is still apparent. “You talk too much.” You say simply when you pull away and for the first time that night, he was speechless.

“I’d love to be your official girlfriend, you dumb butt.” 

“Your lucky dumb butt.”

[labyrinth-runner]

How about Obidala, with 43? 💕

50 Days of Fics: Day 4

Ooooo this one is a good prompt, anon! It actually hit a little too close to home lol. I was my class’ Valedictorian and we almost moved that year, but the reason they didn’t was because I needed to stay at my school to keep my ranking.

Prompt: My family moves in the middle of my senior year of high school and now I’m the first real threat to you for valedictorian and you make it very clear that you’re going to do anything to win but I haven’t worked this hard to lose it all now.

“Alright class of 2020, turn those tassels!” Padmé exclaimed as she looked out at the sea of her classmates from the stage. Her face beamed with pride as she took her hat and threw it into the air. Her eyes locked with her Salutatorian and they shared a smile. It hadn’t always been like this.

Padmé groaned as she looked at the listings outside the principal’s office. She checked it every Monday without fail to see if the listings had changed. She was still in first place. Good, she thought. Her eyes trailed the list. Well, that’s interesting... the new kid had been steadily climbing the ranks since he got there. 

At first, she hadn’t thought much of it. Surely it was too late for him to be a threat. She had been working her entire life for the title of Valedictorian. She had been getting A’s since grade school. Her 8th grade year book listed her as “Most Likely to Succeed,” and Maker as her witness, she was going to. But this boy... this once insignificant boy was now closing in. He had started at the bottom, and now two months into his arrival he was already in the top ten and closing in fast. The rest of her classmates weren’t close enough to her GPA to be much of a threat, not with the straight A’s she’d been getting in all her AP classes. Sure, she’d taken them because she had wanted to, but the fact that they were weighted more and boosted her GPA was a nice bonus. 

No, if this boy had risen so fast, he was a threat, an unknown threat, but a threat all the same. She’d have to have a little talk with him.

Padmé found him in the library, his brown glasses were sliding down the bridge of his nose. His sweater was rolled up to his elbows, and he looked like he was engrossed in whatever book he was reading.

  Not for long, she thought. She gracefully slid into the seat across from him and cleared her throat.

“Hello there,” the boy replied, looking up at her through bangs that had flopped onto his face. His head was propped up by his hand.

“Kenobi,” Padmé replied. “I’m going to need you to cease and desist.”

“Excuse me?” Obi-Wan asked, his brow crinkled in confusion.

“You heard me,” Padmé responded. “I haven’t worked twelve years to get where I am now, just to have some nobody show up out of nowhere my senior year and steal the title of valedictorian from under my nose. I won’t stand for it.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened in indignation. “No.”

“No?” 

“No,” Obi-Wan shot back. “I left my school, losing my title to get thrown into a new school halfway through my senior year. Everyone else has friends, they know their place. By the time I figure out what mine is, we’ll be graduating. My grades are the only thing I can control. They’re the only thing I have.”

“You can’t be serious,” Padmé deadpanned.

“Oh, darling, but I am.” He flipped his book close, holding it to his chest as he got up. “May the best man win.” 

Padmé scoffed as he walked away from her. “Oh, it’s on!”

“Shhh!” the library said, shooting her a look.

The next few months past by in a blur of exams and papers. She stood in front of the list on yet another Monday. This time, she didn’t feel satisfaction. She felt despair. Kenobi had made it to second place, and he was only a few decimal points off from her GPA. She would lose. She felt herself deflate as Kenobi came over to look at the list.

“I’m coming for you, Senator,” Kenobi joked. Padmé had earned the nickname due to her shrewd politics. She had been class President for the past three years, but gave it up to focus on her grades, choosing instead to run as class representative to the school council.

“Not today, Kenobi,” she sighed, heading off towards her locker. She had given up so much her senior year to focus on her studies. Trim the fat, she had told herself. More like trim the fun. At the time it had seemed worth it, because she’d have that title. She’d have earned it. Colleges would want her, and she could move on, leaving high school in the rear-view mirror. But now? Now with only a few weeks left of the school year, she would have nothing to show for it. Her senior year would have been a waste.

Obi-Wan looked over at the list, and then over at Padmé. Her usually take-on-the-world posture was gone. She looked so small... and alone, he realized. Everyone else came into school on Monday morning and went straight to the cafeteria to talk to their friends about what they’d gotten up to that weekend, but not Padmé. Padmé went straight for the list. It was almost like... she hadn’t done anything exciting... or worse... she didn’t have any friends. Sure, he’d seen her talking to people in class about various things, but she always went home alone. 

Obi-Wan groaned. He was such an idiot. Sure, he’d come late into the year, but he’d still had made friends. He’d balanced being able to have friends and getting grades, but Padmé was so one-track when it came to wanting to be Valedictorian, that she must’ve stopped caring about everything else. It wasn’t too late, though. There were still some events of senior year he could salvage for her, like prom.

“Padmé,” Obi-Wan said softly as he came to stop at her locker. He couldn’t see her face behind the door, but he could hear her sniffling.

“What? Come to gloat some more?” Padmé bit out.

“Actually, no,” Obi-Wan sighed.

Padmé closed the door to her locker and looked at him. Her eyes were red. “What do you want, Obi-Wan?”

“Will you go to prom with me?” He asked with a hopeful smile. 

“Are you asking me out of pity?” She shot back.

“No, I’m asking you because I don’t have a date yet,” Obi-Wan replied. But, it was partly pity.

“Fine,” she sighed. “Pick me up Friday at seven,” she said before walking away.

Obi-Wan leaned against the locker slack-jawed. Had that really just happened? Did he just ask his nemesis to prom? And worse, was he actually looking forward to it? His heart skipped a beat.

The week went by fast and Obi-Wan found himself fidgeting on Padmé’s front porch, mentally debating on whether or not to ring the bell. The corsage in his hand matched his tie, but he was worried if it would be up to her standards. His eyes squinted in confusion. Since when did he care about what she thought? He shook his head, deciding to ring the bell before he talked himself out of it.

“Padmé, honey, your date is here!” Her mother yelled as he waited for her in the foyer. 

He heard footsteps, heels on wood, as she scurried towards the stairs. 

“Coming, mother!” she exclaimed as she went to rush down the stairs.

 However, she slowed as she saw him. She thought he looked handsome in his suit, his eyes matching the color of his tie, making them seem impossibly brighter. He had left his glasses at home, swapping them for contacts. He hadn’t wanted to ruin her photos with the glare. He had even shaved the usual stubble he had been trying to grow into a beard. Padmé’s voice caught in her throat at the sight and butterflies entered her stomach.

Obi-Wan sucked in a breath as she made her way to the bottom of the stairs. He went over to take her hand, placing a chaste kiss to her knuckles. 

“Darling, you look stunning,” he said as he righted himself, and he meant every word. She was wearing a blue off-the-shoulder gown that billowed out from her waist like water cascading down a cliff. Her hair was an array of curls, pulled back out of her face. Oh, how he wanted to know what they felt like in his hands. He pulled out the corsage and slid it up her wrist before meeting her eyes. 

She could drown in the depths of his eyes. She didn’t think she could ever see him as anything but an usurper, but here he was, making her heart skip a beat against her permission. 

“Shall we?” Obi-Wan asked, offering her his arm. She slipped her hand through it, and they were off.

It was the best night of her life. He made her laugh like no one ever had, and she could actually have an intelligent conversation with him. It almost made her forget about the rankings. Almost. As they danced to a particularly slow song, she started to slip back into her head, wondering what she could possibly do to boost her grade.

“Darling, I’ve lost you,” Obi-Wan said softly, rubbing his thumb against her cheek.

“Sorry, Obi-Wan,” she said, breaking herself from her reverie.

“Is it about the ranking?” he murmured.

She nodded, resting her head against his shoulder. “I just... I’ve worked so hard.” She quickly added,  “Not that you haven’t.”  

“But, you’ve given up so much for it, right?” Obi-Wan sighed, “Just for some nobody to take it from under your nose.”

“You’re making it hard to hate you,” she replied with a small smile.

“Is that so?” He raised a brow.

“You’re not a nobody,” she whispered. “Not anymore.”

“Oh? And what am I to you?” He asked, spinning her out before holding her against him.

She tilted her head to look up at him. “My equal,” she sighed, “And if I had to lose to someone, I’m okay that it’s you.”

“Oh, you’re not going to lose to anyone,” he said with a small knowing smile.

She scrunched her nose, trying to think of what he could mean by that. They hadn’t had anything this week that could change the grades that much except their pop quiz in physics. Her eyes widened in realization. “You didn't!”

“Didn’t what?” Obi-Wan smirked, “Didn’t throw a pop quiz so that a woman I admire could achieve her dreams? Definitely not. I answered that to the best of my ability. However, I didn’t study for the subject this week like I normally would have. Therefore, I didn’t throw anything. I just wasn’t as prepared.”

Padmé bit her lip. “But you wanted that.”

“Well, this week I came to the conclusion that there was something else that I want more,” he smiled as he turned her in his arms so that they were facing each other. He gently cupped her face, using his thumb to move an errant curl from her cheek.

“What’s that?” She asked, looking up at him with wide eyes. She subconsciously leaned into his touch.

“You,” Obi-Wan whispered, closing the gap between them to kiss her. He meant it. He had competed with her these last few months, and her drive always impressed him. She became someone he admired and respected. 

Padmé’s eyes gently fluttered closed as she fell into the kiss. Her hands slid up to wrap around his neck. She had a big smile on her face as he pulled away at the behest of a chaperone who had cleared their throat at the public display of affection. Padmé rested her head back onto Obi-Wan’s shoulder, dancing the rest of the night away in his arms.

The celebration died down and the crowd started to disperse. Padmé bent down to pick up her cap that had landed in the grass nearby.

“You got what you wanted,” Obi-Wan replied as he came up and hugged her from behind.

“And more,” she teased.

“Oh? And more?” Obi-Wan chuckled as he picked her up and spun her around.

“Obi!” She laughed as her surroundings blurred. “Put me down!”

Obi-Wan slowed down, holding onto her as she slid down his chest til her feet touched solid ground.

“What about you?” She asked, breathless. “Did you get what you wanted?”

Obi-Wan smiled down at her, cupping her cheek. “And more, darling,” he replied softly. “So much more.”

[sapphiresea]

Earp-A-Palooza 2019

Okay, so by request, a few of you asked if I could share my experiences again. Below the cut, I’ll go through my weekend at Earp-A-Palooza, but right now I just want to start by saying this was one of the most special experiences of my entire life. I am so unbelievably glad I was able to go and that it worked out. Honestly, it was a true blessing. Also, I don’t get to mention this in here, but the whole weekend, Dom and Kat were calling me by name and I was almost never wearing the badge that actually said my name on it, so they clearly just remembered that I’m Steph. Considering I know I haven’t told Kat my name since at least Expo in June, if even then, that was pretty rad. I think I reminded Dom at EH Con, but she remembered it now, so I’m definitely not complaining! That was a really neat feeling, just to know that I’m known by them. Is that totally dorky? Maybe. But how many people can say that about their faves? And how many faves even bother to remember people’s names the way this cast does with us Earpers? I’m about to say it a dozen times at least, but these people are really special.

My Friday started off in a rush, leaving my apartment at only 5 AM to drop off my apartment keys for my best friend before catching my flight to St. Louis. Customs took a long time to get through, and I felt anxious to get moving. I was tired as hell, only having slept for 45 minutes, but so ready for the con adrenaline to kick in. I had this really strange feeling in my gut. I kept looking around, and it felt like I was crazy. But something was just nagging at me and it was really weird. Except then, at about 7 AM, I turned around in my seat by the gate, and Kat Barrell was walking in.

So there’s that!

Someone tagged her in a reply to a tweet I made and I swear I saw her look around really quickly out of the corner of her eye. I was kind of blocked from her view by a few people, and also it was, again, 7 AM. She also doesn’t know my username since I don’t interact with her online much even though we’ve met in person several times, so she didn’t really know who she was looking for if she did, in fact, see it.

I figured I’d go say hello, but then leave her alone. I also didn’t want to bother her, so I waited until they made the first boarding call. She wasn’t in zone 1, but she put her phone down and wasn’t too busy, so I casually walked over and said, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I just thought I’d come say ‘hi.’” She looked up and recognition clicked and she grinned and greeted me. I kind of hung back in case she wasn’t up to talk but she initiated a conversation and I wasn’t about to turn her down. She asked if I was going to St. Louis for Palooza. I said, “Yeah, it would be kind of weird if I was just here and not going.” She laughed and said, “Maybe you’re going to Indianapolis” (these were the only two gates in our area for a very long stretch). I conceded and said I was going to the con and she asked if a lot of my friends were going. I told her just about all my friends were going and that made her pretty happy to hear. We chatted awhile, not really about anything serious but it was still a good conversation. This was the one time I didn’t mind that boarding was taking ages (seriously, like fifteen minutes). Our plane was also a walk out on the tarmac and so we boarded together in the same zone and before she took her seat, she smiled and said, “See you there!”

I never sleep on planes, but literally everyone on the flight (all twelve of them – we were on the tiniest plane) had crashed. I was way too excited about the weekend, so I mostly just listened to music and played games on my phone.

When we landed, Kat was further up so she was off the plane before me, but she had to stay to get her skycheck luggage. I wasn’t going to be a creep and linger since the bag I had to pick up was over on the baggage carousel across the airport. She waved as I walked by and I said “see you later!” I went to get my things and meet my friend.

I hung out with a few people for awhile before the con and made some really fun new friends who were rooming with a couple of people I knew. I had so many laughs just on the way over to the con hotel that it was really a magical start to the morning. I had been sick earlier in the week and concerned that I would have to sleep a lot in my down time but I felt really great, and I was happy to check in and go right to registration and start meeting up with everyone.

I had told myself to be calm about photos and autos this con and had so many plans to only do 4 photos the whole weekend that literally dissipated as soon as I got there. I bought a Dom and a Kat solo for the very first day and you’ll soon see that over the course of 3 days, 4 photos easily transformed into 11 plus selfies. Oops? Sorry not sorry.

My first photo was with Dom. As I hadn’t planned anything for these extra photos, I basically just winged it with whatever I thought would be cute. She was so energetic when I walked in. She grinned so brightly when she saw me and said it was nice to see me again and complimented my hair. I have always curled my hair for them, but I was lazy getting up at 3:20 AM so I had just straightened it but she really liked it, so maybe I don’t hate my hair straight anymore. I asked if we could sit and lay our heads on each other’s shoulders. Which, of course, meant softly headbutting each other because I didn’t specify and she checked with me what I wanted. I said, “Okay, just put your head on my shoulder?” and we got a super adorable photo. As I was getting up to leave, she started asking how I was and making small conversation and I was so sure I was going to be kicked out, so I made it really quick, but it was a really great interaction.

Kat’s solo photo came next. As I walked in, she was like, “Hey! You made it!” It kind of made me laugh because yeah, I flew in with you boo. But she followed it up with, “I was looking for you! I was going to offer you a ride, but I didn’t find you.” Wow. Okay. So that happened. I’m still kind of bummed I didn’t see her to get that ride – because how cool would that be!? – but also I would’ve had to linger like a weirdo and it would’ve been very awkward for me to wait for her to get her bags and not just look creepy, so it’s not surprising we had lost each other. I thanked her for the thought though, and I’m still really stoked that she was going to do that at all. Really, this cast is the absolute sweetest and so thoughtful. I know a lot of actors and few of them would want to share a ride with a fan, let alone be the ones to offer. I get it, but there’s something very special about Kat and the rest of the Earp cast, you know?

I also had a real time trying to explain to her the photo of her and Dom I wanted to recreate. She had no idea what I meant when I said she was the small spoon in prom pose and she didn’t know what face to make even though I said for her to just smile. She held my hands really tightly though, and the photo turned out amazing. I have no complaints.

Following that, I went for autographs. I had a giveaway and my friend who couldn’t make it to Palooza had asked me to get her Dom and Kat’s autos, so I moved right to that line. I ended up getting in Kat’s line first, and it moved very slowly. She was chatting with everyone, which was actually quite nice. I love when they’re given time to actually have conversations with us. I don’t actually remember the order of what we discussed, to be honest. When I got up, she asked if I had slept on the plane because she had conked out the moment the engine turned on. I shook my head and said I could never sleep on planes. She asked if I was super tired or if the con adrenaline had kicked in. I told her it kicked in some time at the airport and thankfully I wasn’t that tired.

I showed her that I got my tattoo, which she had written for me at EH Con. Since I had decided to wear a t-shirt tucked into my jeans, I had to show it to her on my phone or else I would’ve had to do a weird flash move. She loved it though. I said I knew it was a little ironic to get “everything is temporary” as a tattoo but that it’s something I tell myself constantly. She nodded and said, “The good and the bad, too!” And I just said, “Exactly. It’s a great reminder.” And she loved that I had done matching ones with one of my best friends on my birthday when I got it. She asked if it really hurt and I said it was my most painful and that I kind of wished the words were shorter because I was like, “Please be done soon!” Ribs hurt way more than any of my others. I don’t know how people do intricate designs there. Y’all are superheroes. I said I was also the dummy who got two in one go and she asked about my other one. I told her I got Dom’s butterfly and ended up explaining the significance, which meant she asked me all about the butterfly project, which was a little uncomfortable. I definitely didn’t mean to be like Tragic Backstory Unlocked™ but I was pretty clear that it was a sign of recovery and that I was six years clean. I can’t remember her exact response but it was along the lines of being proud of me. I thanked her and quickly changed topics as she moved to the second signature.

I told her I had gone to see the movie she had recommended on Instagram and she asked which one. I said, “Last Call,” and she asked what I thought. I told her I liked the story but that I was really amazed by how they had pulled off shooting it, which she agreed with emphatically. I said I was about 20 minutes in before I realized there hadn’t been a cut and that this whole movie was one take, but that listening to the cast and crew describe the process after was really phenomenal. She was so excited I had gone and she thought it was pretty amazing. I also slipped and said I had ducked out of CarmillaCon for a few hours to go and she asked how that was as we were taking our selfie. I replied that it was really great and she said she thought it would be and it sounded really cool.

As I was leaving, she hugged me and said it was great seeing me at the airport and again that she was glad I made it this weekend. So….if I’m having heart palpitations, it’s because Kat Barrell is the biggest sweetheart in the entire world.

I tried to get into Dom’s line and was extremely bummed to find out I couldn’t. Her line was swarmed by people with fast passes and VIPs so it was barely moving, and they cut it well before her time was up. I was super disappointed, but also I’m glad that they’ve been doing that. Dom is often signing very late overtime because she’s too nice to leave and she loves us all too much for that. It’s really good to see cons taking care of her and the rest of the cast, even if I don’t get to see them when I want.

I got into Emily’s line instead. It was pretty busy and I was only getting a selfie, so it was a quick interaction but she was her usual friendly self and gave me a hug and told me it was nice to see me again. She also really loved my t-shirt – which Dom had also commented on at our photo op – because it was a winking Calamity Jane and on the top it said “loves pussy…” and on the bottom, below the cat, says “cats.” They both thought it was hilarious. The design was mine, and the cat was drawn by my lovely friend Catie. You can find it on Redbubble here, if you like it.

That was all I had for the day, so I went out to hang with some Earpers. I chatted with a bunch of them for awhile and went out for dinner before going to the block party. Well, sort of. My roommate and I didn’t want to spend the money for tickets, so we hung out outside with some of our friends who were going in and out and danced around until we went back to our room. And I just want to say here that I met so many new Earpers and got closer with others I haven’t seen much at previous cons. I love this community with my whole entire heart. My favorite people are in this fandom and I wish I could go back and just hug everyone a thousand times.

I was very tired by the time we got back, but my roommate, Autumn, and I still spent awhile dancing around our room and watching the Carmilla movie before bed. It was like 3 AM when we finally went to sleep, which maybe wasn’t the best move since we had to be up at 7 AM the next morning, but it was fun!

I knew the day was busy so I only stuck around for half of the cast panel, and I’ll have to watch the other half on YouTube. I got to see Tim surprise all of us by showing up, though. How cool was that!? Admittedly, some of us thought he might, but that didn’t detract from the moment we heard his voice at all. There were so many screams, and I was stoked. He’s the one cast member I’ve yet to meet and I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to witness that and to get to see him. He’s such a sweetheart!

I had photo ops first thing but I rearranged to get Melanie’s solo on Sunday so I would have a better chance of getting into the autograph line for Dom. I had a Wayhaught photo that I had planned for ages. I was wearing a blazer and presenting a poster of a study I had generated through R to provide evidence of Wayhaught being the best couple on television. Dom and Kat were both like, “Oh my gosh, what is this!?” when I walked in with it. I introduced Autumn as my research assistant and explained the photo, but they were both trying to read the poster. Autumn pointed out that I had really run this through statistical software and done all the programming for it and I said yeah, it was all mathematically accurate and that even though the data was generated, it’s what I felt was the truth. They loved it, even though Dom added, “I don’t understand a word of this, but it’s so cool!” They were both like, “Wait, so what do you want us to do in this?” because they were too distracted to listen to my instructions and I told them again. It was exactly what I wanted from that photo, to be honest. I love it. 

I really wanted to get Dom’s autos on Saturday since I knew I would have to leave before her session on Sunday. I attempted to get into her line for the early signing but photo ops had run late and the line was huge. Everyone attending Palooza lined up for everything way before they needed to, and that meant it was really hard to get in for much if you had photos. Literally as I got to the front, they cut Dom’s line, so I went for Kat again. I wanted both of them to sign the poster and had forgot it in my room the day before.

Kat tried to read the whole poster again when I brought it up and asked me about it. I explained that I had done it as practice R coding for grad school since I have to do simulations for my thesis. She thought it was really cool. We also talked about my shirt from the day before because she had signed “Nicole loves pussy…cats” on her banner and I commented on that. She said she loved the cat and asked if I had drawn it. I said I did a mock up and sent it to my friend who could actually draw. But she gave me the biggest hug as I left and I don’t even remember if she said anything after that, to be honest, besides goodbye. I was floating a bit.

Unfortunately, in order to get Dom’s autograph, I had to sell my meet and greet with Varun. I was super bummed, but I’m Dom and Kat trash. They’re the reason I go to these cons. And I really needed to get her to sign not only the poster but the autographs for others. I ended up lining up right after I left Kat, even though it was three hours early. Even then, I was not the front of the line, so that tells you how lines were at this con. (It was really chill in every other aspect, though.) I had two photo ops between then and the auto time, so I ended up having a chain of people saving my space in line and like…thank goodness for them, really. I am so grateful. I think I thanked them like three hundred times because it worked.

But first, my photos. I had a solo with Kat next. I shared it with my friend Vanessa, who was dressed as season 3 Nicole. I was wearing another shirt I designed to copy Nicole’s unicorn tee and had specially made, so I was in a very light ‘casual Nicole’ cosplay. We decided to fight over Kat and she was adorable. We also ended up in behind the scenes videos on Instagram and twitter, so that was cool. (There’s also a BTS shot of her signing my poster!)

Next up was another solo with Dom, and for that I just asked for her to be forehead-to-forehead with me. It’s so cute I don’t think I’ll ever have another profile photo (just jokes – I have a special Christmas one with her and you know I’m too trash not to cycle through photo ops on a loop with her and Kat until I see them again). But I do really love it. As I left, she said, “Thanks Steph!” and I skipped out.

I was stoked to be able to get into Dom’s autograph line at last and it felt like I was able to breathe because I really, really wanted to see her. Honestly that had been my main draw to come, and I know I’ve been very fortunate to meet her previously, but I didn’t want to let anyone down by not getting her auto and I didn’t want to miss actually getting to speak with her!

When I got up to her, she was a bit busy but that was fine because I still had to fish out everything I needed her to sign. Unlike other cons where autos have been capped at 2, I was able to get all three things I needed! Bless. She apologized for the distraction and I said it was no problem at all.

I talked with her about my tattoo of her butterfly first. Normally I like to ask if it’s okay to get someone’s writing before I jump in and do it, but I hadn’t been able to ask her first. I told her I got it and she thought it was wonderful and asked to see it, so I turned around and lifted my hair and she moved my collar to see it and said it was beautiful. I explained to her why it was so important to me and she also asked about the project and said that was really beautiful and she loved it. She was so sweet and wonderful, really.

Again, though, I didn’t want to linger on that topic. I like to make it clear that it’s healing and recovery, not current struggling. So I told her about how my school doesn’t allow plastic bottles and really promotes reusable bottles and how I loved that they did that. Of course, she dug that initiative.

She got to the poster finally to sign it and I just blushed and said it was the dorkiest thing I had ever done. She said that was awesome and that it was good to be dorky. I said I just wanted to make studying more fun and that was the result. She signed, “Nerdy is beautiful,” on the poster. We took our selfie and I asked if I could give her a hug, to which she replied, “Of course!” I thanked her and she said, “Goodbye angel!” as I left. My friend Autumn was there the whole time and she calls me angel, so she was teasing about how that’s her nickname.

Following that, I attended the Men of Purgatory panel and just relaxed a bit with my friends. After the con ended for the day, we went to meet another friend while she was getting dinner….and she had been seated right next to Dom, Varun, Justin, and Tim. So wow. We didn’t bother them, of course, but as they were leaving, Dom saw us and waved and said “hi” and told us to have a great night. They were on their way to the concert, I guess! We waited for our friends to finish eating and then went to the lip sync battle, which was really fun. Kevin was in a wedding dress, Bonnie performed to Melissa Etheridge, and Allison did a baller dance to Chicago. I couldn’t help but dance along. I was kind of losing my voice, though, so I didn’t want to stay for karaoke and neither did my friends, so we called it early.

Sunday was busy but much less hectic overall. It started with the Wayhaught panel, which was so cute. You can all thank Nessa for Kat wearing that Stetson, by the way. She’s the same one who gave it to her at EH Con for the Newlywed panel. Anyway my gay really shone and I had so much fun. I can’t wait for that to be released for everyone (and for me to re-watch!). 

Next, I had photos with Tim. Having never met him, I asked for a simple hug. He was so soft spoken and sweet. We didn’t talk much, since it was just a photo, but he’s a very kind man and I was thrilled to meet him! Now I’ve met the whole of the main cast and most of the big guests. And they’ve all been wonderful!

Next was Wayhaught. My friend Catie and I did a joint photo following up on one we had gotten at Expo where Kat kissed my cheek and Dom kissed hers. We switched this time. She asked me if I thought we’d look less like useless gays and I just said, “No.” Spoiler? We didn’t. Dom really did kiss my cheek and that’s never going to get old.

I stayed behind because I had a second Wayhaught duo just by myself but Dom knew that and Kat didn’t, so she started dancing around away from us and Dom was like, “Uh, Kat?” And she turned back and I grinned and said, “I have another one,” and she laughed and apologized but I told her I didn’t mind. I just asked them to do princess face because, like so many others, I hadn’t thought ahead. Oops? I ain’t mad about the result, though!

Two of my friends saved us places in line for the Ladies of Purgatory panel, so I went to that next and loved it. I’m not writing much about panels only because they’ll all be online. But oof. Good content. A lot of tears, though. 

I left a couple of minutes early to get into line for photos with Mel and Kat. Their photos overlapped, so I asked where to go. They said, “Get in line 12 for Kat first.” Except when they brought up line 12, we were taken to Mel. So I got Mel’s photo instead. It was simple, but at previous cons I’ve never had a solo op with her and at EH Con, she commented along the lines of feeling neglected because I was always doing ops where I was swooning over Dom or Kat. I love Melanie so much, and I went up and just said, “I feel like I never get to tell you how much I love you, so I was wondering if we could just hold each other for a minute.” She was so soft and just said, “Aw, of course! You’re so sweet! Come here!”

I ran out to get my photo with Kat and asked her if we could hold hands. She took both my hands and I rested my head on her shoulder. She held my hand even as the op ended and gave it a few squeezes and said again how glad she was to see me and said, “Goodbye darling!” as I left. I’m soft. Every time I see this photo, my heart skips another beat because I think about how incredible it was to see Kat in particular this weekend. She really does have my whole heart. What an amazing woman.

My last photo op was an impulse buy (like as if most of this weekend wasn’t impulse purchases?). Autumn, Sakari and I did an Earp sisters duo with Mel and Dom and asked them to feign fighting. Dom initially went into a stance with her fists up and then Mel did…whatever you call this and Dom reached for her leg. I’m totally laughing in this because I’m not an actor and I was like, “What the heck, Melanie?”

Autumn and I had to rush out from the con then, sadly, because the latest flights we could get out of St. Louis were at 5:45 PM and we needed to get to the airport. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to most of my friends, which sucks, but it was better to miss a few hours at the end than to miss the whole con.

Honestly, I know I say this every time, but the warmth in my heart after every Earper convention is unmatched. The cast, the beautiful friends both old and new… I can’t say how much it means to me. I don’t have post-con depression, I just straight up miss my people. And I am, more than anything, so grateful to have been blessed with these experiences over the past year. I am so fortunate and so grateful for all of it. Especially to Dom and Kat for their genuine, soft, and kind words, putting me at ease and making me feel so special and seen, and to all my friends who are now some of the most important people in my life for being my backbone and making me feel more confident and accepted… I can never thank you all enough. Con season is almost over so I won’t get to do this again until next year – although I’ll definitely be visiting my friends in the interim – but gosh, I cannot wait. These memories will carry me through not just until then, but for the rest of my life.

[cmncisspnandmore]

Boy Wonder and Family, Part 2, Spencer Reid X Reader

A/n: i’m really sorry if this part sucks, i’ve been dealing with a lot of crap lately, but i hope this is okay. I hope to write more this weekend. Also i started a tag list, if you want to be added to it send me a message and i will gladly add you!

~~~~~~~

“Y/N, we’re here. You have to wake up now.” Spencer whispers against your hair, and you blink a few times as your eyes adjust to the sun that is blinding you through the SUV window. You sit up and push the hair back from your face and Spencer leans back over the seat and gently shakes your children awake.

“C’mon you two, we need to go inside, we can't make my team wait forever. I’m sure they have a million questions about you two and your mother. Let’s go.” He gives your kids a small smile as they stretch and nod sleepily.

You climb out of the car and make your way into your house where the people who helped you find your kids sit. They are all gathered in your living room, all sitting on various pieces of your furniture, it was unnerving to go into the living room but you put on your best brave face and went to sit on the unoccupied loveseat. A few seconds after you sit down Spencer walks in and takes a seat next to your. Lucas and Atlas stand huddled together by the living room doorway, glancing around the room before their honey brown eyes land on yours.

“Come here, you two have a lot of talking to do.” You point your finger at them and then to the spot on the floor in front of you and Spence. Atlas is the first to walk over, her brother hot on her heels. She sits down in front of Spencer resting her head against his knees, and his hand goes to her hair, he absentmindedly runs his fingers around one of her curls. Something he has done since she was a toddler, and her hair was finally long enough for the ringlets to form. Lucas takes a seat in front of you, his back against your shins, he gives you a small smile.

“Now can one of you please explain to me why you blatantly defied your mother, and snuck out of the house.”  Spencer looks down at your children. The other agents in the room are leaning forward, listening to what the teens have to say.

“Mom. Dad. Hear me out.” Atlas begins, “I told Tara i would go to this party like a month ago, and she was so so so desperate for me to go, it was going to be the biggest party of the year. And it would land me in the running for prom queen if i made an appearance. You know how much i want that. Mom you were prom queen you understand.” She looks over at you, and you glare back.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You snuck out of the house so you could be Prom Queen?” You seethe, and Spencer reaches over and places a hand on yours.

“Mom, you were being totally unfair!” Atlas sneers, glaring her brown eyes at you.

“EXCUSE ME, unfair? How am i unfair? I buy you everything you could ever want, i let you go to every single school event and sign up for whatever you want. I let you do way more than what i ever got to do as a teenager. How dare you call me unfair. I gave up everything to make sure you had everything. I told you i didn't want you to go to that party because your father was out of town and it is the one time i ever told you no.” You cry, and you can see Lucas flinch out of the corner of your eye.

“I never get to go to parties!” Atlas huffs out.

“BECAUSE SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN.” You yell, throwing your hands up in the air. And with that she stops and glares at the floor.

“Lissy, you could've gotten really hurt, or something really bad could've happened to you and if that ever happened… I don't think i would ever forgive myself.” Your husband finally speaks, and Atlas nods.

“Now” Rossi cuts in, “Could you describe the man to me? The one who said they knew you?” He looks between the twins.

“Yeah, he was tall, around 6’2, he had black greasy hair, the kind that hasn't been washed in months. He had a scar on his left cheek, he was very muscular, a lot like Agent Morgan. He had light skin and he had green eyes. I-if i saw a picture i could tell you who he was…” Lucas tells Rossi, and Reid stiffens next to you. Obviously in his genius mind he has already gone through the list of people who he's locked up, and has figured out a rough list of people who fit that description.

“Spence… “ JJ looks at him, clearly having seen how quickly his demeanor changed.

“Lucas,” Your husband stands and walks over to his briefcase and pulls out a few files, “Are any of these people it?” He hands the manilla folders to your son and he quickly flips through them, taking only seconds before stopping and pointing to one of the photos.

“Isn't that the unsub the vic picked out in the case we just wrapped up?” Hotch leans forward getting a better view.

“Yeah, his name is Harold Knight. He lost his wife in a car accident, and since then he's been having psychotic episodes. The judge ruled him insane and instead of jail he was sent to a facility where he was to be treated and kept under surveillance because there wasn't any way he would be able to stay in a prison. His psychosis was far too much for a prison system to handle.” Spencer rattles off.

“Why would he go after your kids? How would he know you had kids? We didn't even know you had them, or that you were married.” Morgan crosses his arms across his chest.

“When i was walking him to the squad car on the case after we caught him, my phone went off and it fell from my pocket. It was Y/N… He must've seen the picture of her and the twins when it rang and fell on the ground.” Spencer runs his hands through his hair, tugging on the curls.

“We know who he is, we’ll catch him Spence.” JJ stands up and places her hand on his arm, offering him a small smile.

“I want two of you here at all times, i’ll get in touch with the local police and put an APB for him. I”ll relay the info to Garcia and see what she can dig up on the facility he ended up at and why no one had reported that he was no longer there. Morgan, Rossi take the first shift, JJ i need you with me to talk to the press. We’re gonna find this guy. Right now, you and your family need to get some rest.” Hotch starts to head to the door, and JJ follows as Morgan and Rossi stay behind in their chairs.

“But Hotch i should help…” Spencer turns towards his boss.

Your chest is heaving and you feel like you're going to pass out, you had zoned out when Spencer had told the team that it was you who called while he was putting the guy in the squad car. It was your fault. If you hadn't called this guy would still be in the dark, but you had called. And you remembered the exact moment you called, you had gotten mad that he hadn't picked up you wanted to tell him about everything you had to handle that week that he was gone. But that didn't matter now, because all you could hear was the blood rushing in your ears, your body felt far away and you were sure you looked silly with tears streaming down your cheeks. In a matter of seconds you had unintentionally caused your family to be at risk because some crazy man was out to get your children because you couldn't wait 12 hours to talk to Spencer.

“You need to be here for your family... “ Hotch gestured behind Spencer, and Spencer turned around and realized your frantic state. Your kids had gone off to their rooms after Hotch had started talking about the police.

With a nod Spencer walked over to you and wrapped his arms around your shaking form. With a hand on the back of your head he pressed your face into his chest. “I’m going to take her to go lay down, can you two make sure the kids are okay?” He looked between Morgan and Rossi who nodded and stood from their chairs.

“Hey, Y/N, look at me.” He lifted your chin so you were looking at him.

“I-i-it's my fault.” You sob out, and Spencer shakes his head.

“No its not. This isn't your fault-”

“Yes it is, i called you because i was having a bad week and wanted to vent and i called you when you were on a case. I know we shouldn't call you and that we should always wait for you to call us because you could be doing something important and your phone going off could get you killed and now someone is after our kids.” you ramble on and don't realize as Spencer reaches down and scoops his arm under your knees and starts to walk to your bedroom.

“Stop. This isn't your fault. He's not right in the head. You need to calm down. I'm here now, the kids are safe. And all we can do now is wait for the team, and the police to find something on him. Please stop blaming yourself.” Spencer whispers and lays you down on the bed and crawls in next to you. You nod but can't calm the tears and heaving sobs, Spencer gathers you in his arms and you both lay on your bed, doing the one thing you can do. Wait.

~~~~~

Taglist: @morcialovechild

[bthenoise]

Prom Stories: Here’s 14 Tales Of The Dance Floor From Some Of Your Favorite Bands

With this year’s prom most likely cancelled for all high schoolers across the nation (super sad, we know), we didn’t want to leave you in dark for what can be a pretty memorable night -- both good and bad.

So, in an attempt to help you both experience prom and also realize that missing it might not be the end of the world after all, we’ve collected some pretty interesting stories from some of your favorite bands.  

To check out how members of This Wild Life, Grayscale, Beach Bunny, Broadside and more spent their "My Chemical Slow Dance,” be sure to see below. Afterward, make sure to enjoy our prom-inspired playlist here. 

Kevin Jordan - This Wild Life

I was too nervous to ask a girl to prom so instead I made a huge banner and hung it on the side of the tallest building at our school that said, “Ashley Debry, Prom? - Kevin Jordan.” She was the cheerleader captain and proceeded to break her shoulder and arm tumbling or some shit but she was a good sport and attended in a lace-adorned sling. It went better than my buddy Kris though, his Ford Falcon’s hood flew up on the freeway on the way there and he couldn’t see the road. Had to pull over and [his date] asked to go home.

Lili Trifilio - Beach Bunny

I went to prom like five times because I was obsessed with school dances but nothing beats the time my date ditched me, made me buy him Chipotle, then tried to hang out again later. This guy was different from the rest of my prom dates because I was secretly in love with him. He accepted my invite but then “forgot” to pick me up so my dad had to bring me to the photo portion, which was super embarrassing and a bad start to the night. Then, when the slow song came on at the dance, I was like “Yes, this is my shot!” When he approached me, I assumed he was going to ask me to dance. Instead he told me he was gonna leave with this other girl and left me in complete shock. Luckily, one of my guy friends saw me crying and asked me to dance so that I wouldn’t be a complete mess. Then, this boy has the audacity to text me in the morning asking me to see his new motorcycle?! Keep in mind, we were all in the same friend group and hung out every weekend but after that night I never talked to him again -- at the time, I didn’t know this, but he sure as hell didn’t deserve me and I definitely dodged a bullet.

Nick Ventimiglia - Grayscale 

To be honest, none of us in Grayscale ever went to prom. BUT I did go to a few homecomings. I actually won homecoming prince in 10th grade and then homecoming king my senior year. Here’s the catch: I went to private school and there was only like 36 kids in my graduating class, so what can you do? One time that actually sticks out was when I went to my girlfriend’s (at the time) snow-coming, which is essentially a winter version of homecoming. She actually won queen for her class and they didn’t end up nominating anyone for king of her grade, so by default, I won king of her class. I didn’t even go to her school. I was just on stage, with a sash, standing there smiling and it rocked. Come to find out, they cut me out of the yearbook because I didn’t go to the school, so I have no hard evidence. Here are some songs from 2007 that we most likely danced our asses off to while we were buzzing off trash Burnetts Vodka: T.I. - “You Know What It Is” Soulja Boy - “Crank That” Bird Man, Lil Wayne - “Pop Bottles” Fabolous, T-Pain - “Baby Don’t Go” 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake, Timbaland - “Ayo Technology” Unk, OutKast, Jim Jones - “Walk It Out” Shop Boyz - “Party Like A Rock Star” DJ Khaled, Akon, T.I. - “We Takin’ Over” Kanye West - “Good Life” Playa Circle, Lil Wayne - “Duffle Bag Boy”

Broadside

Ollie Baxxter

My prom coincided with my first real breakup. One week before we were meant to go together my date/girlfriend bailed. I was working two jobs at the time and already rented my tux so I just decided to go with my group of friends as the “solo heartbroken guy at prom.” When I got to the dance, the music was terrible and either my loneliness consumed me or I was just a horny teenager but all my classmates looked beautiful. Eventually my ex showed up with a mutual friend and my friend group tried their best to keep me distracted but eventually we met face to face in a hallway on the way to the bathroom. She went to say something and I think I just tried my best to hold back the shame and tears. I left the prom and spent the rest of the night skating with my friends in a parking lot somewhere. Being young is hard. 

Jeff Nichols

I only went to prom one year when I was in high school. I was a sophomore and my girlfriend at the time was a junior. I wore a tux with an all-white jacket and my date wore an all-white dress to match. I don’t remember too much since it’s been awhile but I remember it was like an “Under the Sea” type theme, which a lot of us thought was lame but we all still felt like we had to go. We danced some but all ended up leaving early to go bowling then hit Waffle House after. I only went to prom once and I don’t really regret missing the other years. During this time of quarantine, it is sad that a lot of kids don’t get the experience their prom due to closures but if you spend a bunch of money renting an outfit then take a bunch of awkward photos and dance to “Cupid Shuffle” or whatever the equivalent would be now, you pretty much got the main experience of prom. 

Dom Reid

My prom night was lackluster, to say the least. I think the new Alice In Wonderland movie had recently come out so that was our “theme” for decorations and what that turned out to be was like a large poster a student had made outside in the hall and then absolutely no decorations inside. I was one of those kids who dated a girl from a different school so it was nice to finally prove she was real. The dance floor was ruled by Lady Gaga and The Black Eyed Peas but someone did manage to get 30 seconds of “Downfall Of Us All” by A Day To Remember played. My date and I left early, grabbed some sushi on the way home. My life truthfully would be the same if I never went to prom. I do feel bad for the kids who don’t at least have the option to go to theirs this year, but I’m sure after a night of recreating TikTok dances in their bedroom, they will be just as fulfilled. 

Pat Diaz

I went to prom my junior and senior years, both with the same girl. From what I can remember (because my memory is horrendous, not because I was on the juice), it wasn’t all that fun. Senior year, I was basically stuck in a relationship (for reasons I won’t discuss) and really didn’t want to be there. The highlight of my night was getting breakfast at Perkins at 3:30am. Society puts so much unnecessary significance on prom for no reason other than “if you wanna be cool and fit in.” Sure, you’ll be bummed it’s not happening but I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine knowing that you’re not missing much. If you really want the “prom experience”, drink an energy drink, put on some music and start dancing in your room until 2am then go get McDonalds or something. Same same.

The Wrecks

Nick Anderson 

I showed up to prom pictures late because I was playing a show with my high school cover band. I wore my white prom tux on stage during the performance because I literally didn't have time to get changed before racing over to where the pictures were being taken. My date was very unhappy but the disappointment did not end there. Because of the rush, I didn't have time to eat dinner. So on the way to prom, I made my prom date pull her 2005 Volkswagen Beetle through the Burger King drive-thru so I could enjoy a Double STACKER KING with extra bacon. She stood outside of prom for 15 minutes while I ate fast food off the hood of her car. We didn't hang out much after prom. 

Aaron Kelley 

Nothing classier than a tuxedo t-shirt, black skinny jeans and a DeLorean. I’m sorry for everyone who missed their prom this year but I promise you there’ll be many more opportunities for you to have a tuxedo t-shirt night. <3 

Jade Castello - Picturesque

It’s been a year or two since I was in high school but I went to a couple different proms throughout my high school years with my previous girlfriend(s). If my memory serves me correctly, the radio hits at the time were artists such as Jason Derulo and Panic! at the Disco. I might not have won prom king but I did close out the night of my senior prom with a dance-off competition by busting out a backflip to “Let’s Go” by Trick Daddy. Everyone jumping up and down chanting my name was something straight out of a movie ha. Prom was a great experience but missing out on that night isn’t the end of the world. Once we’ve all moved on from high school, you’ll realize that one night doesn’t define your “high school experience.” You have much more to offer this world than how sick you were back in high school.

Nick Zawisa - Breakup Shoes

Senior prom… what a trip. The year was 2014: I was wearing a three-piece suit in like 95 degree weather (cuz, you know, Arizona) driving my Hyundai into downtown Phoenix with one of my best friends (still to this day!)… and I’ve gotta say, that’s about all I remember. I had always thought prom would be this extraordinary experience like how it’s romanticized in the movies but it turned out to just be an awkward ballroom packed with sweaty people I don't even like trying to dance in heels or suits to the all-time worst playlist of 2010s pop music. All that to say, my feelings on the night could be summed up into “Prom: an experience to forget.”

Dead Lakes

Cody Hurd

For me, prom was pretty overrated. I was voted prom king, but to be fair, our class only had like 70 people in it voting. I had to awkwardly go on stage and accept my royalty with people I didn't really know because my date was unfortunately not voted prom queen. The rest of the prom I basically spent sitting at a table waiting to just hang out with my friends afterwards. So [if you’re missing prom this year], just spend a night dressing up and FaceTime with your friends. Have some “non-alcoholic” drinks (responsibly of course) and blast some music and dance your hearts out. You won't miss a thing.

Chon Adam

Man, I haven’t thought about prom since basically when it happened. We had our prom at the Space Needle in Seattle with Drake playin’ in the background. Half the people were way too into prom and the other half didn’t care at all. I was definitely in the latter category, so I didn’t have a great time. But most people don’t go to prom to have fun at prom. They go to kick it at parties afterward. Definitely not something that even remotely defined that year for me. So if you’re missing it this year, I promise you you’ll be alright!

House & Home

Joey went to prom and ended up talking to the teachers more than the students. The best part was for sure watching the wrestling coach absolutely lose it to a Vanilla Ice song. Pat went his junior year and decided to sit out his senior year. The best prom related memory from his high school career was when he played the afterparty with his high school band at Dave and Buster’s. Prom was never really anything any of us really looked forward to or made a big deal of much in high school. It’s always fun to look back at the memories, though.

[cockbiteproductions]

Hi, this was the most amazing weekend of my life, so I’m gonna make a continuation of this post. Click on the photos for captions. 

Me screaming about everything is going to be under the cut. And it’s going to be VERY long. I have a lot of words and I’m going to say a fraction of them, but in case you don’t want to read all that (because this post is honestly 99% for me) here’s a TLDR:

I met Jess (@noneeyewithleftyork) for the second time and hung out with her and Kt (@seelieflies) in New York for the first time and saw The Prom, Be More Chill, and Hamilton and cried uncontrollably and went to NY pride and Felt the Gay energy in the air and walked around the city and rode the train and took a million pictures and got blisters on my feet and ate some amazing food and slept a ridiculously small amount and took everything in and did fun things with fun people and had the time of my life and it can literally only go downhill from here!

Had 3 WILDLY different experiences seeing these shows since my experience with these shows were all different. The common thread between all of them was that I had a FUCKING BLAST.

The Prom

Saw The Prom on the Saturday matinee of pride weekend and the audience was AMAZING. Everyone in the audience was here and queer and LOVING it.

It was cold as SHIT in the theater and I was freezing my ass off the entire time but it was still so fun. 

I have never seen or heard any music from The Prom and only knew a vague synopsis of it going in (girl wants to bring gf to prom with her, can’t), so my reactions to everything in the show was a lot of genuine first reactions to the material. The Prom was funny as FUCK and the audience was laughing and clapping and cheering along. 

The dance numbers were incredible and I loved the choreography a lot. Caitlin Kinnunen can SING, holy shit. Like absolutely WOW. Just WOW. She was amazing.

I cried at the end of act 1 from how fucking mean spirited those students were and how the meaning of “tonight belongs to us” changed and it was just so brilliant. And the staging of the two proms on the each half of the stage with the different lighting and the two girls back to back was fucking BEAUTIFUL and part of the reason I started crying too. 

I cried also at the end of the show when they kissed because it was so sweet. I cried when Alyssa’s mom told her she just didn’t want her life to be hard. The actress who played Alyssa’s mom did SO well that for a Brief Moment, I felt sympathy for her. It was very brief but it happened. 

Be More Chill

Saw Be More Chill on the Saturday night show and it was so fucking cool. I saw Will Roland with my own two eyes. Like wow. Wow!!! 

The seats in the Lyceum balcony were slanted as FUCK it was almost funny. And because we had been so cold during The Prom, between shows we went and all literally bought jackets/something to wear to keep us warm during BMC but BMC was not more chill. In fact, it was hot as Satan’s anus. We melted to death but we still had fun.

A lot of the time I laughed in BMC was because of how actors delivered certain lines different from how I had heard them in the soundtrack/off broadway boot I’ve seen. Being familiar with the show made this experience really different from The Prom, but also I’ve only know about BMC’s existence for a bit over a month and only really gotten into it in the past few weeks, so the show hasn’t really really sunk in with me yet, which is probably why I had such a muted emotional reaction to it. It was definitely amazing but I didn’t cry nearly as much as I thought I would. 

I also cried during Voices In My Head when they kissed and during the na nas when they do the wave over their head. I just love that one very specific bit of choreo. 

Though the night before I went up to LA, I was in call with @noneeyewithleftyork​ and @seelieflies​ and Jess was talking about places we could visit in NY, and she mentioned the M&M store. I said to myself under my breath “but Eminem is dead!” and laughed because of how dumb the joke was. She wanted to know what I was laughing at and I told her I’d tell her after we saw BMC and so then the entire day when we kept walking past the M&M store, I was hyping up the joke/talking about it. 

By the time the show came around, we had talked about the stupid fucking M&M/Eminem thing like maybe 10 times since I initially made the joke so it was really hyped up. And then the Squip goes “buy that shirt” and Jeremy hold up the shirt and I’m already looking at them for their reactions and they turn to me and I laughed to the point it hurt. It was a lot of “are you kidding me? Is this it??????” looks and it was just the funniest fucking thing to me. 

And then the second Eminem scene happened and I laughed EVEN HARDER than I did before. They were also losing it next to me and turned to look at me and I was nodding and laughing and had tears in my eyes from how hard I was laughing and it was just magical and so incredibly stupid. The “did you kill Eminem” line was particularly funny. 

@noneeyewithleftyork in the M&M store before we saw the show. 

Cried a little bit during Loser, Geek, Whatever. Because you know. It’s lgw. I’m going to NOT cry, watching wrol sing his heart out on stage. He held that last note for like 7.5 measures and it was impressive as SHIT especially considering he’s been on stage for like an hour and this is the end of a six minute solo number. Fucking incredible. 

Will Roland’s delivery in the first bit of the show is incredible. It’s so LOUD and shouty and awkward. His speech is very halting and rushed. It sounds like Jeremy is taking a leap every time he chooses to say something and he always says it at the very last moment as if he deliberates over it for a long time. And then the transition from his character pre-Squip is incredible. Also he sounds even more nasally in person if that’s possible. I’ll post more about the performance later on my sideblog.

Hamilton

And then I saw the Sunday matinee performance of Hamilton. Holy FUCK, I saw Hamilton. The bottom row of pictures is every time I started crying/felt a fresh wave of tears come. It was 66 times. I had to keep taking off/putting back on my glasses because of my tears. Highlights of times I cried/times I full on sobbed include:

Crying around ~4 times because the guy playing Hamilton was asian (and he was SO insanely good)

Crying at the line “everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree” just because I know how much @noneeyewithleftyork loves that line

Before the show started started, I was just staring at my playbill and I started crying very subtly because I didn’t want the people next to me to see that I was crying before it even began.

I cried so hard leading up to/during Wait For It that by the end my arms had gone numb and I was almost hyperventilating. 

Sobbing at the second time the first verse of Hurricane is repeated and the lights go blue/purple and the entire company FREEZES as if they were caught in the eye of a hurricane and it was fucking beautiful.

Full sobbing during best of wives and best of women the MOMENT the violin starts to play because again it was so fucking beautiful and I knew what was about to come.

Full on sobbing during intermission and after the show. 

As soon as lights went down at intermission I was bawling. I talked to the people beside me about how I became good friends with @noneeyewithleftyork and @seelieflies years ago because of Hamilton and now we’re all seeing it together. Then went to talk to Jess and Kt and cried at them for a bit. Pulled myself together for the beginning of act 2. 

Then as soon as the lights went down at the end of the show I started bawling AGAIN and the woman beside me pulled me into a hug as I sobbed.

And then I ran down to tell the conductor (still full on sobbing) and the pit that I love them. Here’s how it went: “hi pit I love you oh my god I love you so much you guys were so good I love you so much.” All while these words were barely comprehensible because I was still crying too hard. I think a pianist waved at me but there were too many tears in my eyes for me to be sure. 

Those were the crying highlights. Onto other stuff.

The seat I had was fucking INCREDIBLE. Jess and Kt sat together in the 2nd row because Jess won the lottery and I sat in the 9th row because we had to buy a third ticket but the view was still absolutely AMAZING.

Here’s the view from my seat. I could see the entire stage with minimal movement of my head and it was AMAZING. We had sat super far left in the balcony for The Prom and BMC so sitting in the orchestra was SUCH a cool experience because we could actually see the actors faces instead of just the top of their heads. Jess and Kt sat so close they could SEE the tears on the actors faces. 

Similar to BMC, a lot of the laughs I had in Hamilton were from how certain actors delivered the lines different from the soundtrack I was used to hearing. However, they were different people from the ones on the soundtrack unlike BMC, so it really felt like seeing different takes on a character I had already known. I’ve also been a Hamilton fan for over 3 years now. I was WAY more emotional during this show than the other two for that reason I guess. Hamilton’s been with me for a while. And also the subject matter is just sadder.

The guy playing Burr was so fucking GOOD. Like there were a few times I teared up just because of how fucking incredible his vocals were. The guy playing Hamilton was also so indescribably fantastic.  

We stagedoored after and I showed some of the actors my cry arm and their reactions to it were great. Got my playbill signed by them too!

Not Broadway Stuff

We didn’t JUST see Broadway shows this weekend, though we did see a show in every possible time slot lol. We did other stuff!

Friday afternoon we went and saw Jess’ cousin’s dance recital which was holy shit. Those kids can DANCE. Like I wasn’t expecting that level of performance from them for some reason and I was blown away. The people behind us were very very very angry that Jess was Loud and being Jess, but then they left so who cares.

Saturday morning we got up super early and took the train into the city. On the train ride there Jess got an email that said she WON THE FUCKING HAMILTON LOTTERY. And we all just sat there in shock. When we got to the city, we just walked around and I took pictures of a bunch of theaters. We passed by the M&M store many times. We basically walked down the same like 5 streets a bunch of times and then we ran around like idiots trying to get tickets to the matinee show of The Prom, which we eventually did. We paid an astronomical amount of money to buy a third ticket for Hamilton. We went to a melt shop and they spelled my name in an incredible way.

Look at that. “trese-”

Fucking amazing. I had no idea there was a dash in my name but I guess there is now. Or actually, according to a girl we met on the subway, my name is Katrina. We just randomly started talking to some people we met in the subway station and continued talking as we packed like gay sardines into the subway to go to the pride festival. It was an Experience. 

I also saw this fan at pride and had to take a picture. I don’t take normal tourist pictures according to Jess. Which is true. I just take pictures of dumb shit that makes me laugh. 

And on that lovely note, it’s time to wrap up this post. I’m not kidding when I say this has probably been the best weekend of my life. But also I have memory problems so who knows what other weekends I’ve forgotten. But hey! That’s what this post and photos are for! To remember all this shit. This has been something incredible and I hope I get to go back soon because NY is honestly an amazing city and I love the energy of it so much. 

To steal a line from BMC, everything about this weekend was so wonderful.

[robinrunsfiction]

In the Middle of Summer - Chapter 1

Pairing: Ryan Ross x Reader, mentions of past Brendon Urie x Reader Rating: Teen Requested By: None Author’s Note: With regards to the AOL screen names, according to my research those are Brendon and Ryan’s old livejournal screen names. The dialogue in the instant messages? Real. Saved by weirdo me in 2006 on my external hard drive because I knew that it might make something interesting one day.

Spring 2005

“Hey (YN), how’s it going?” Ryan called when he spotted his friend sitting on the porch of her parents’ house.

“Hey Ryan, things are good. What’s up?” She asked, putting down her book as he walked up.

“Did I see Brendon walking down the street from this residence late last night?” He asked with a sly grin.

“Ryan, shut up!” She said in a hushed tone, hopping off the step and smacking him in the arm. "My mom is home! I can’t get grounded before prom!”

Ryan laughed at her reaction. “We wouldn’t want that because it’s gonna be awesome.”

“Did you finally ask Melissa?”

“Yea, I’ll get to it,” he said rubbing the back of his neck

(YN) laughed. “Uh huh, better get to it. Brendon asked me weeks ago. Bought me flowers and everything.”

“Oh yea? Did he bring you flowers last night when he gave you that hickey?” He asked with a laugh. (YN) gasped and pulled up the collar of her jacket.

“Shut up!” She squealed.

“(YN), who are you talking to? Oh hello Ryan!” Her mom called from the open front door.

“Hello Mrs. (YLN). You look well rested.” Ryan replied as (YN) glared daggers at him.

“Oh, well thank you Ryan,” she replied with a puzzled tone as she walked away from the door.

“You are such an ass!” (YN) said hitting him on the arm again as he cracked up. “I’m going to go finish my homework.” She said turning back toward her house.

“You already got in to college, what do you care about homework for?”

“I have advanced placement tests soon. Not all of us are gonna be famous rock stars.” She replied rolling her eyes.

“Alright, I’ll see you later. Oh, will I be seeing Brendon around tonight?”

(YN) flipped him off as she walked in the house and heard him laughing as he headed home.

“(YN), what did Ryan mean when he said I looked well rested?” Her mom asked as she walked into the kitchen to grab a soda.

“I have no idea mom, he’s weird.” He said as she rolled her eyes and retreated to her room.

~

“Ok, we have to get one of everyone together,” someone’s mom called from the group of parents that stood with cameras ready to snap photos of the teenagers in formal wear waiting anxiously and awkwardly for the night to commence.

Everyone shuffled into position for the photos. In the middle stood (YN), wearing a sky blue strapless dress, her hair pulled into an up-do for the night and a white rose corsage for her wrist. Brendon wore a tie that matched her dress, and looked downright dapper in his suit.

Ryan had finally mustered up the courage to ask Melissa to go with him and she accepted happily. Brendon, Ryan and a few others pooled their money to rent a limo to drive them to the event.

Once the parents were satisfied with the photos, they piled into the limo and headed to dinner and then the dance. On the way there, flasks were slipped out of jacket pockets and passed around.

When they walked into the rented hotel ballroom, they immediately ran into Spencer and his date, as well as their friend Brent. They found a table to sit down at where they watched people dance. 

After a few fast songs, “You and Me” by Lifehouse started to play and Brendon offered (YN) his hand. They went to the dance floor and swayed together to the music. He smiled down at her and kissed her sweetly. She was so happy to be at their last high school dance with him under the balloons and streamers that decorated the room. After the song ended they danced to a couple more songs before retreating off the dance floor. Brendon went to the bathroom and (YN) found Ryan leaning against the wall in the back. He had shed his jacket and his tie, and his shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

“Having fun?” She asked as she leaned against the wall next to him.

“Yea, it’s a good time,” he replied. “I heard Brendon got you guys a room.”

(YN) rolled her eyes at her friend.

“Wait, really? That’s so cliché, (YN)” he teased.

(YN) gave her Ryan a look and was about to sass him back when suddenly there was a flash which drew their attention.

“Hey guys, look over here for a photo” Spencer called and snapped another photo of Ryan and (YN) leaning against the wall. “Oh that will be great, I’ll get ya a copy.” He said before running off.

“Ryan, can we go dance?” Melissa asked as she approached Ryan, leaning into him.

“Sure,” he replied as she headed back to the dance floor. “(YN), have a good night, be safe.”

“You be safe,” she retorted in a sarcastic tone as Ryan walked away.

“Wanna get out a here?” Brendon asked when he came back, discreetly holding up the room key card.

“Sure, let’s go,” she said taking his hand and heading out.

Summer 2005

The end of the school year was filled with celebrations for the senior class. (YN) was preparing to leave for college, but before she could start to focus on that, she had to throw her annual Fourth of July party. She had been throwing Fourth of July parties for her friends since middle school when her parents started to let her buy fireworks from the stand at the corner store. It was an event she looked forward to every year.

That afternoon of her party, (YN) put out coolers full of soda, snacks and her parents fired up the grill as she waited for her friends to arrive. Brendon and Ryan were the first ones there. She greeted Brendon with a big kiss. Ryan gave her a dejected look once she and Brendon had separated from their kiss, so she gave him a hug as well. Not long after, more people showed up and everyone was having a great time talking, laughing and eating. Once the sun started to set, it was time to go to the park to watch the city's firework display.

"I can take 4 in my car,” (YN) called as the group gathered up blankets and coolers.

“I can take a few in my car” Spencer announced as well.

“I have my mom’s minivan” another girl called out. The convoy made their way to the park and staked out a large open space. Some of the families sitting nearby looked on disdainfully as the group of loud teenagers descended upon them.

(YN) found herself sitting on a blanket by Ryan, as she couldn’t find Brendon around at first. She kept glancing around and eventually spotted him talking to some other girls. She shot Ryan an annoyed look and he just shrugged in response. 

“We aren’t going to make it to the end of the summer.” (YN) said out of nowhere as she stared into space.

“You’re going away for school, are you surprised?” Ryan replied.

“No, it’s just annoying. He doesn’t have to act like he’s already single.”

“He’s making a mistake, but that’s his problem.” Ryan said with a reassuring smile. 

A few minutes later Brendon finally rejoined them and settled in to watch the fireworks display. Brendon wrapped his arm around (YN)’s shoulders, but she looked over at Ryan and rolled her eyes. She wasn’t going to forget what Brendon had been doing minutes before.

~

A couple weeks later Ryan had just gotten home from hanging out with Spencer and Brent and was turning on his computer in his room when he glanced out the window and saw Brendon walking down the street from (YN)'s house. He signed in to AOL Instant Messenger and saw (YN) was online. He hadn’t talked to her since the Fourth of July, so he felt he was due to give her some crap.

i_amclandestine: did I just see Brendon leaving again? you crazy kids

(YSN): yea, actually he just dumped me

i_amclandestine: ouch, sorry.

(YSN): whatever, I knew it was coming

(YSN): I should have done it myself when I had a chance :(

i_amclandestine: doesnt make it any easier

(YSN): you’re telling me. 

Ryan did his best to try to change the subject and get her mind off the heartbreak. She appreciated the gesture, and after chatting for about an hour she went to bed feeling much better than she was before.

~

The rest of the summer the friends spent as much time together before the gang went their separate ways. On a Friday night, they found themselves in the bowling alley for a sendoff party. (YN) was in front of the claw machine game, loading it with quarters in an attempt to win a stuffed green tiger. 

“Damnit!” She yelled, hitting her fist on the glass of the machine as the plush toy fell just outside the shoot. Ryan noticed and walked up next to her.

“You want me to win it for you?” He asked.

“No!” She shot back. “I wanted to win it myself, but I’m out of quarters.”

He reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. “Here, try again.”

She took a quarter from his outstretched hand and put it in the machine and started maneuvering the claw above the stuffed cat. She pressed the button, dropping it and it grabbed the toy, pulling it in the air. Ryan watched (YN) as she held her breath as the claw moved the stuffed toy over the shoot. As the timer ran out and the claw opened, the stuffed cat fell into the opening and she pulled it out triumphantly.

“Yes! I did it!” She shouted, holding the cat in front of Ryan’s face.

“Nice job! Although some would argue that I’m part owner of it since I did finance this.”

“Fine, I’ll let you have weekend visitation.” She said with a grin. He grinned back and a flutter went through her stomach. Was she starting to feel something for Ryan? He was Brendon’s best friend, she wondered if that would make any of this weird.

They went back to bowling and he sat down next to her and started playing with the stuffed cat. “Ya know, if you take this off to school with you, I’ll have to come visit you to get my visitation.”

“Well then sounds like I’m going to be that weirdo with a stuffed animal in her dorm,” she said with a smile.

The rest of the night at the bowling alley, she found herself flirting with Ryan whenever she got a chance. It felt good to be getting some attention for the first time since Brendon dumped her a few weeks before.

~

Ryan was working on a new song when he heard the phone ring and saw it was Brendon. The friends made small talk for a while until Brendon got to the point of his call.

“So I was talking to Gabe about his going away party. He said you and (YN) were kinda all over each other.”

“I don’t know why that matters, you’re the one that dumped her," Ryan retorted, irritated that Brendon would even bring this up.

“Come on! You know that’s kind of weird. Besides she’s gonna be going away to school soon, do you really think it’s gonna work out?” Brendon asked.

Ryan sighed. He really had hoped Brendon wouldn’t find out, and if he did that he would be ok with (YN) and him going out. The guilt started to eat at him. It’s not like things had gotten off the ground between (YN) and him yet. He ended the call and went to bed that night with a sick, sad feeling in his stomach. The next day he had resolved that he had to talk to (YN). That evening when he signed on to his computer and saw she was online.

i_amclandestine: (YN), are you busy?

(YN) was going through her clothes and deciding what to take with her to school, but was more than happy to take a break to talk to Ryan.

(YSN): not really, what’s up?

i_amclandestine: so, the relationship between us

(YSN): yea

i_amclandestine: are we only a short term thing for you

i_amclandestine: till you find someone in college?

She was taken aback. What was he trying to say? That he didn’t want to pursue anything these last weeks of summer?

(YSN): If that's what you want

i_amclandestine: well i was wondering what you were thinking

(YSN): I really have no idea

i_amclandestine: k, so i was thinking

(YSN): yea

i_amclandestine: i figured that soon as you go to college that we wouldnt be seeing each other for awhile maybe on hoildays and stuff but thats the only times i guess

i_amclandestine: and im sure that you would find someone in the school year

(YSN): I'm actually gonna be back more often than that

(YSN): but I guess I'm wondering where we stand then

She sighed, she felt that nervous feeling in her stomach again. She knew deep down where this was going.

i_amclandestine: I don’t know if i want to anymore

She felt the tears welling up in her eyes. How could she be so upset over something that never went past flirting?

(YSN): That's what I thought you'd say

i_amclandestine: ok, but friends still

(YSN): duh

i_amclandestine: good friends

(YSN): right!

i_amclandestine: better than friends

(YSN): where are you going with this?

i_amclandestine: nowhere, just checking

Ryan sat back and sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. He knew it sucked now, but she was a pretty girl with a great personality. She was smarter than he could ever hope to be, and it was in his own best interest to let her go off to school without him tying her down from a distance.

(YN) dried her eyes and put a My Chemical Romance CD in her player before turning back to her computer. Ryan was still online, but it seemed like the conversation between them was done for the night. She saw Brendon was online and felt compelled to talk to him. She needed a different male perspective. She filled him in on everything that was going on, not sure if Ryan had talked to him or not, but she wanted him to hear her side of the story.

(YSN): so now I have another "good friend"

part_time_lovah: you’re gonna be alright

(YSN): yea, I'm just disappointed and bummed out

part_time_lovah: yeah, but he's a good guy

(YSN): Brendon, I met you because of him. I’m aware he’s a good guy, I’m just thinkin I’m gonna take him out of my myspace top 8 for a while

part_time_lovah: right

part_time_lovah: well i gotta go to bed, night (YN)

(YSN): night, and thanks for being a good friend

part_time_lovah: you bet...i promised you that I’d always be there for you when needed

After that night, (YN) spent the last few busy days of summer packing and cleaning her room to leave for college. She spied Ryan around the neighborhood but decided to just leave him alone. After a few days she wasn’t mad at Ryan any longer, but she was still disappointed that he wasn’t willing to try with her. She was looking forward to the fresh start that college would provide.

Chapter Two

[runningonmarvel]

be my valentine ch. 1

Happy Valentine’s Day!!! @you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus For your valentine’s day gift I have written two chapters of a multi-chapter Valentine’s Day-centric fic (and I will of course be finishing and posting the rest of the chapters in due time, but, these two chapters are pretty long so I figured it works). Anyways, I hope you like it and happy Valentine’s day!!

A/N: takes place the two weeks before Valentine’s Day in their junior year. wonah. bandi. tyrus. a few curses. unedited but enjoy!!

Chapter 1: Put Your Hand in Mine

You know that I want to be with you all the time.

Jonah snaps the headphones over his ears and half closes his eyes, back against the bench. It’s a romantic song, too peppy for his current mood, but he can’t stop listening to it. He taps one foot against on the tiled floor while Grant students shove by each other.

Oh darling, darling, baby you're so very fine

You know that I won't stop until I make you mine

He’s so sick of love songs. Andi loves them: Taylor Swift and Meghan Trainor and Beyonce. So maybe there’s a reason behind his newfound annoyance with sappiness on the radio. But this one keeps sticking in his head. Jonah imagines reaching out his hand and taking someone else’s. And for the first time in a very, very long time, the person holding his hand in his imagination isn’t Andi. And it’s not Amber, or Natalie, or anyone else.

As half of Grant high school shoves by him, Jonah pushes the headphones down around his neck. He can hear his heart pounding way-too-loudly in his chest, and there’s a continuous beat and song inside his head.

Until I make you mine

And all he can think is: just in time for Valentine’s Day. 

————

“Driscoll, catch!” Andi ducks out of the way just in time for Buffy to catch the miscellaneous basketball team member’s thrown shoe. She stares at it in confusion, but Buffy just shoves it into her backpack, gives a quick wave of thanks to the girl sprawled out on the bench, and turns back to Andi.

“Eleanor took my shoe on accident,” she explains, but Buffy’s eyes have already moved on from this conversation. They drift upwards to the large pink banner strung across Grant’s entrance, which is currently being pinned up and decorated with paper heart chains. Andi doesn’t stop to consider how an extra shoe can be taken accidentally and instead gapes up at the poster.

“Since when do we have a Valetine’s Day Dance?” Andi asks.

As if summoned by the deity of high school cheesiness, Student Council president Kip Warren steps into their path. “Since you juniors started sucking at raising money for our prom.  We’re having a fundraiser dance—you buy candygrams and roses for people for three times the prices we bought them for. And we’re using that money to pay for a real prom, not one which you idiots scheduled in someone’s garage.” Kip storms away, and a lone senior—one of Amber’s friends—starts applauding. 

“He’s way too salty. I heard that our student council planned a good prom but he’s just picky and annoying. Ugh,” Buffy says, glaring after him.

“And they’re probably spending more money on this dance then they’ll make from a few candygrams, honestly.” Andi bends over to grab a cardboard heart, which she reattaches to the wall.

“Cyrus is going to have a field day, though,” Buffy says. She looks curiously over at Andi. “Do you think you’ll go?”

Andi feels something rush through her: undeserved indignation, maybe, accompanied by an annoying blush she wishes would go away. “I mean… are you?”

“I would suggest the Good Hair Crew go, but you already know Cyrus is dedicating this night to his boy.” Buffy shrugs. “We could go together? Single and unattached?”

If Andi were eating cereal right now, she would choke. She hasn’t been to any date-requiring function since her year-long disaster of a breakup with Jonah. And now Buffy Driscoll had the audacity to stand in front of hear with her cheeks blushed dark and her eyelashes clipping her cheeks and ask her to the dance. 

“I mean—sure! Maybe Amber could go with us too?”

“You don’t think Amber is going to ask Iris? I think she’ll finally get the nerve to do it. I should probably make a bet on it,” Buffy considers, digging for her wallet and frowning slightly.

“Maybe we should ask boys?” Andi counters, suddenly. Buffy glances up at her, and the look in her eyes could kill. 

“Maybe I’ll ask Natalie. She’s cute.”

Andi can’t even respond to that. So she does what she learned best from her mother; she changes the subject.

“So, Buffy. What’d you think of the movie you and Cyrus saw?” Andi tilts her head, meeting Buffy’s eyes again. She thinks of the cheesy block letters glued to the Valentine’s Day Banner: Will you be our Valentine? February 14th at 7. Two weeks away.

Buffy knows this game, but Andi watches her play along. “Best Summer of My Life 2? It was alright. Not as good as the first one. The love story kind of sucked—classic girl meets bad boy trope.”

“Wish I could have seen it,” Andi says, adjusting the straps on her backpack. 

“Yeah, well. How was Iris’s?”

Andi has a momentary flashback to Amber and Iris chucking Skyzone dodgeballs at her while shrieking filled the general vicinity. Somehow, Iris had been convinced to have a birthday at a trampoline place, and somehow, Amber had been coerced into going along with it. 

“Horrifying.” 

Buffy laughs uncomfortably, and Andi can hear the nonexistent joke fall flat. How long has it been like this? How long has the Good Hair Crew been out of sync, and the tension between Buffy and Andi unbreakable? 

Almost a year. Too long.

“Well, I’ve got Lit. See you later?” Buffy doesn’t bother waiting around for an answer to the question. She strides away, and it’s all Andi can do to avoid staring directly at the back of her head as she leaves.

“Ask Natalie,” Andi scoffs to herself, kicking at a spot on the ground. Cyrus would call her pettiness levels off the chart, but Andi doesn’t have any other way to react to Buffy. It’s not just the ever-rotating list of new girls; it’s Buffy’s obvious annoyance with Amber, it’s Buffy’s piercing eyes and sharp, true smile she hasn’t worn in so long. It’s Buffy’s acceptance of whatever is between them, while Andi flounders, trying to pretend she’s still in the waters of freshman year, when Jonah was her only problem.

When did the thoughts in her head get so complicated? Don’t answer that, she tells herself, because she already knows the answer. Andi lifts her phone from her pocket and starts absentmindedly scrolling through her old photos. There’s Cyrus and TJ sharing a milkshake with Buffy’s arms around them. There’s Amber trying on a faded leather jacket and Andi wearing a worn suit at the Thrift Store. Andi and her mom attempting gardening while Bowie laughed in their general direction. Buffy, Cyrus, and Andi holding on for dear life while ice skating two winters ago. Further back, there’s Jonah kissing Andi on the cheek, and Marty with his arm around Buffy and Andi with her arm around Jonah on some ridiculous double date. There’s a couple miscellaneous photos of Cyrus in his costume from the musical. And then, from about a year ago—

Andi’s cheeks color red. Red, like the sauce on Bex’s homemade pizza she recently learned to cook. Red, like the color of the Space Otters’ failed sophomore year uniforms. And she shuts her phone.

This is why it’s so hard to talk to Buffy. More than the color of her eyes or the defiance in her words, it’s the specific memory every time Buffy smiles at her. It’s the memory that’s controlling her.

Andi glances back at the Valentine’s Day banner, and sticks her tongue out just for good measure. She won’t let a stupid dance run by stupid Kip Warren control her too.

Then, from behind, a hand grabs her by the shoulder and starts dragging her backwards. Andi yelps, already running through the list of eight things she learned in self-defense class with Bex this summer. Quote: if you’re not a strong athlete your best hope is to hit where it hurts. Anywhere.” Andi is about ready to swing when the arm drags her into a closet and reveals the body attached to it.

“Cyrus?”

“Sorry,” he pants, as if the physical effort to kidnap her from the hallway was exhausting. “Top secret… information.”

“Oh?” Andi says, suddenly interesting. “Another cult?”

“Heck no,” Cyrus says. “I’ve got a plan for Valentine’s Day, for TJ. But I wanted to run it by you and Buffy first. And probably Jonah too.”

Andi starts to smile, leaning back against the shelves on the wall. “Spill.”

“Well… since his big game is on Valentine’s Day…” Cyrus leads in, unable to contain his grin.

“Go on.”

“I was thinking… we could all go… and hold up signs—“

“Signs for TJ! Valentine’s Day signs?!” Andi puts a hand over her mouth. “Cyrus, that’s adorable. No, it’s perfect!”

“Yeah, and I’d ask him to the dance, and we’d go afterwards, and hopefully he won his big game, and then the dance would be super romantic, and he could take the signs home and hang them up on the walls of his room, and we’d take polaroids before the dance in our suits, and you guys would be there—“ “Thought about it much?” Andi cuts in, but her lips curl upwards with excitement. The mention of the dance is the only sour bit—Andi doesn’t need that subtle reminder that she’ll never know how to not be awkward with Buffy about it. She’ll never know how to articulate what she wants, so she’ll be stuck watching TJ and Cyrus and maybe Buffy and Natalie or some other random girl get their perfect Valentine’s Days.

“Well, maybe a little. Anyways, do you like?”

Andi breaks out of her thoughts. “I don’t like, I love. When do we make the signs?”

“This weekend maybe? To be ready by that Friday?”

“You got it, Cyrus. Text Buffy, she’ll be thrilled.”

Cyrus narrows his eyes. “She will not. I’m betting she doesn’t want to help with the signs, so it might just be you and me.”

“Aw, Buffy’ll help if you ask her.” TJ and Buffy don’t fight anymore, but it suffices to say that they’re not exactly best friends. 

“I’m already asking her to hold up one of the signs. And especially if she ends up with a crucial word—for example, Valentine—I can’t risk losing her support. I’ll just ask her about that and see how it goes.”

Andi smiles. “You and TJ have been dating for a year now, Cyrus.” Strange. A lot happened a year ago. “I’m sure she’ll be happy to hold up a sign. She just might not cheer for him.”

Cyrus nods, laughing a little. He types out a text on his phone to Buffy, sends it, then looks back up at Andi, looking a little panicked. “Should I tell Jonah? I need him to hold up the sign that says TJ. I don’t think he’s busy that weekend, the Otters don’t have a game—“ “Text him,” Andi reassures  Cyrus. He nods and types out the text while still looking up at her. 

“I need Buffy, Jonah, you, and Amber. I’ll text Amber and Jonah tonight.”

“You’re asking TJ’s sister to help with his Valentine’s Day ask?” Cyrus and Amber have been friends since middle school, and it’s still hard for Andi to wrap her head around sometimes that Cyrus is dating the brother of one of Andi’s closest friends and is additionally friends with her. It’s the type of friendship that thrives off drama, and Andi has a feeling that even if Cyrus and TJ break up (which it seems like they never will), Amber and Cyrus will be close until the ends of the earth.

“Of course. Who else was I supposed to ask? Walker?” Cyrus asks, giving Andi a look. It’s a group-acknowledged truth that Andi drove Walker from the group, even if Buffy was the last one who dated him. Walker hasn’t hung out with them for a year and a half now, except maybe a few times with Jonah. Andi misses him and his lovely creativity, but she doesn’t miss the drama he brought; Buffy was happier with Marty than with him, but then she was happier by herself than with Marty. Andi blinks slowly, realizing how this topic has made its way back to her again.

“Amber will be fine,” Andi assures, her mind not really on Cyrus or TJ. “You think she’ll finally get the guts to ask out Iris?”

Cyrus shrugs. “I hope so. Who are you going with, anyways? Not Jonah—“

“No.”

A pause.

“Jonah is my friend, yes. But I’m done being romantic with him.” Andi stops, because the words sound harsh, even if they are true. “Buffy and I are just gonna go together, like old times.”

Cyrus smiles a half smile, because old times would include him too. And all three of them know that they’ve moved on from old times. Maybe Andi the most. And yet.

“I’m gonna go find TJ now. Keep the plan under wraps, ‘kay? Friday afternoon we can pick out supplies?” “Glitter glue!” Andi says, and she can’t stop it from coming out like a squeal. “Count me in.”

Cyrus steps out, the brightness of his phone lighting up the dim closet, and leaves Andi alone, still against the wall.

Alone.

In the closet.

Andi nearly throws her phone across the room.

————

There are three parks in downtown Shadyside: the tiny one off the elementary school, the Valley Park where legend says a swamp monster lives, and Agley Park. Agley is where coffee shop people go to be in nature; it’s also, incidentally, Walker’s favorite place in town. The Saturday morning is crisp, with light winter fog in the air, and Agley looks like the rolling fields and forests of some picturesque Scottish village. The only piece of color barring the serenity is the hunk of metal in the middle of one of the squares; that hunk of metal, though, is what has drawn Walker downtown this early on a Saturday.

“It’s kind of… underwhelming?”

Walker ignores the voice to his right and keeps reading the printed plaque beneath the statue. Installed four weeks ago, reads the monotone font, the Rest of Infinity display serves as a reminder to all viewers of the eternity of space and its never-ending mystery. The 20-foot tall sculpture contains seventeen rotating pieces and thousands of tiny gears. The reflective paints were mixed by the artist herself, and the glass portions were blown by her as well. Walker is aching to reach for a sketchbook and draw it, but he promised himself that this time he would just look. So he does.

After a while, the same voice cuts in. “So maybe I’m starting to see why Cyrus can be such a science nerd sometimes…”

Walker looks over his shoulder at Amber Kippen, who is wearing a faux leather skirt and carrying a latte. They were in the same studio class—much to Walker’s chagrin at first, who had found Amber’s eclectic, relaxed approach to art to be flighty. But when Amber’s realism came out looking like a photographic negative, and when her paints were soft pastels that fit perfectly into her nature theme, then Walker decided to give up on judging before he knew things.

And now, lo and behold, Walker and Amber were visiting an art exhibition outside of school. Together. For fun.

“I really like the colors on the back few layers,” Walker says finally, and his voice sounds gravelly from lack of use. “And the way the black pieces spiral to infinity first, with the smaller pieces following behind.”

Amber nods, and Walker notes that she’s not really listening. “Do yo know who would love this?”

“Yeah?” Walker does know, because there’s only ever one right answer. But he holds off.

“Iris.”

Amber’s eyes get dreamy when she’s talking about Iris, her crush of many a year. Walker recognizes the look because it’s the look he used to see on Andi’s face when talking about Jonah. Buffy’s face when talking about Marty. The faces of people in love with someone else, not him.

“I’m sure she would, Her photography project is so cool, maybe she could take pictures of the statue—“

“I think I need to ask her to the dance,” Amber says suddenly. “It’s now or never, right? Senior year will be too late. It’s got to be now.” “What dance?”

Amber looks shocked, offended, horrified, embarrassed—everything on the list—that Walker is unaware of said dance. “Uh, Grant’s Valentine’s Day Dance. On account of the fact that Kip Warren and the dance team girls want prom to not be in someone’s basement this year. But Iris!”

Walker considers this, as they start to walk away from the statue and back toward Amber’s car. He listens to Amber’s list of reasons: “We texted all last night, and she ended with a heart, not me. We’ve held hands twice and been to four movies alone together. Her eyes are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, and her bangs are so nice and her smile…”

In his head, Walker wants to make a comparison to something he’s feeling for another person. But he won’t let himself. Pretty eyes…hanging out alone together. His breath is catching, and Amber’s voice fades a little in the background. And that dance…

“Walker? Walker!” Startled out of a daydream, Walker feels Amber’s arm in front of his chest and suddenly sees the curb drop away in front of him. “Absent-minded much?”

“Call it an artist’s trait,” Walker says dizzily. He can’t stop thinking about the crush—shit, a crush—and it’s like the world is falling to pieces. It can’t be real, not over one movie and an air hockey game and a couple walks home from school. Maybe if he doesn’t think it, then it won’t be real. 

“Walker.” Amber’s statement pulls him completely back to the surface, where he faces Amber’s scrutinizing gaze. “Are you going to ask anyone to the dance?”

Oh no. Walker opens his mouth to say something, and then doesn’t. They keep walking, but Amber’s eyes are staring him down with all the intensity she used to have as Grant’s resident mean girl. It’s the look she gets when she sees something she wants—or wants to know—and will do anything to get it.

“Um.”

“Um? Don’t give me that, Walker Brodsky. I spill my guts to you about Iris regularly. Now it’s your turn: who’s your crush?”

Walker blushes, reaching above his head to tug on a tree branch. “Amber, I—“

There’s a small voice in Walker’s head, and it’s trying to overcome the wave of anxiety he has about this situation. The voice is saying: Amber will understand.

Amber, who came out as lesbian when she was a freshman in high school. Amber, who goes to the LGBT alliance and activism meetings on a regular basis and cites it as her most important extracurricular, even more than dance or studio. Amber, who cries while listening to Heaven by Troye Sivan. Amber, who is staring at him right now with her Annabeth Chase-esque gray eyes and inquisitorial eyebrow raise. Amber, who has dated—

“Jonah.”

Amber doesn’t miss a beat, but Walker is already dizzy from the weight of the word. 

“Jonah! Of all the people at school, you chose Mr. Heartbreak himself?”

“Um.”

Jonah is Mr. Heartbreak, isn’t he? Walker thinks of Andi, and the disaster that was the final six months of her and Jonah’s relationship. Jonah, who Andi always like more than him. Jonah Beck, who Walker first met at the art gallery, and then at the color factory, and then at canoeing. A couple months ago Walker ran into Jonah outside the skate shop, and they ended up making plans to see a movie in town they both wanted to see. Then, Walker started seeing Jonah more at school, and they were partners on a Bio assignment. The events keep spilling over themselves in his mind, and Walker feels two things: one, feelings. A crush. Like he had on Andi. The second thing is what has been washing over him for months and what kept him from telling Amber in the first place: he’s scared. 

“Yeah,” Walker says, just to affirm it. “I like Jonah.” And there it is, again, the feeling in his chest of relief and anxiety all at once.

Amber nods as the rolling park ends and she clicks her key fob in the general direction of her station wagon. “Okay. Well, considering I’ve dated him, I’m probably authorized to give some advice—“

“No, Amber. He’s not even into guys; there’s no use thinking about it.” Walker slides into the passenger seat and takes out his phone from the glove box to start typing out notes about the statue.

“Walker, you never know. I mean, he’s never said that he does like boys, but he’s never said that he doesn’t—“

“That’s useless,” Walker says, keeping his eyes trained on his phone. “He’s straight, whatever. Let’s go home.” “Don’t play this card. You’re not the first person to fall for someone who you think is straight, and you won’t be the last, not by a long shot. Guess what? Jonah hasn’t said that he’s straight. So you have a chance. Don’t waste it.” Amber’s voice gets quiet at the end, as the grips the wheel of the still-parked car. Walker thinks of Iris, and he sees the pain of pining in Amber’s eyes. 

“Hey,” he says softly. “You can’t give up either.”

She shakes her head. “Yeah, whatever.” She sounds just like Walker did moments ago, but Walker doesn’t push.

“So…do you still want to give me some advice on Jonah Beck?”

Amber starts to laugh, and she reaches across to give him a shove. “Of course, Walker Brodsky. Of course.”

————

“Heads up!”

Buffy runs in anyway and snags the rebound away from TJ. She brings the ball back to the top of the key, eyebrows poised in challenge, and checks the ball to him. Then she pounds it into the floor, slipping beside TJ to get in an easy layup.

“That’s 18 to 17,” Buffy pants as TJ sets it back up.

“Careful, Driscoll, don’t get too confident,” TJ warns, crossing the ball to take a shot from just inside the three-point line. The ball circles the rim, achingly close to the net, but rolls back out and sinks to the court.

“Missed me, missed me, now you got to—“ TJ interrupts Buffy’s taunt with a shove, and Buffy laughs as she grabs the ball and shoves it back into his hands. 

“I will not,” TJ says, “allow you to complete that sentence.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Buffy laughs. “Don’t worry, I have no interest.”

“Good,” TJ asserts, and his next shot is nothing but net.

Three points later and Buffy has won the game, but they don’t keep score, shockingly. One-on-one has become a daily occurrence after their respective practices, because TJ has to wait for rehearsal to end to drive Cyrus home anyways. Cyrus tried to convince him that he could just go home on the late bus, but TJ has insisted.

“Ready for next Friday?” Buffy asks, once they’re done playing and are just dribbling around. 

“I hope,” TJ says, chucking the ball up with zero regard. Buffy catches it and looks over at him.

“You better be ready for Valentine’s Day. I know Cyrus is excited.”

TJ does a double take, and Buffy laughs like she’s caught him unaware. “Well, yeah I’m ready for Valentine’s Day. Or I will be. But the game—“ “Screw the game,” Buffy says, and drives the basketball into the ground. “I mean—sorry. Screw my game, not yours.”

“What’s up? How’s the team doing?” TJ holds his hands out, and she throws it at him. He’s always tried to be somewhat lenient towards Buffy in her captaining, because he knows it must be hard carrying the girls basketball program on her shoulders. When they came to Grant, Buffy had to leave behind her newly-founded middle school team for a program that’s only improvement on Jefferson’s was the fact that it was school-mandated. The past few years Buffy has been constantly trying to mend a rivalry with Kira while simultaneously attempting to take the team to the next level.

“We’re doing alright. But we’ll be playing teams in the region tournament that have AAU girls and are state-ranked. I don’t want to get eliminated in the first round, but that looks like what we’ll be getting. And I’m trying to deal with Kira, but I really can’t—“ Buffy stops.

TJ shakes his head. “You can’t be so hard on yourself, Buffy. Regionals is a hard tournament, and it’s okay if you guys—“

“No! It’s not,” Buffy shouts, and her eyes flash. TJ steps back, because this is starting to feel too much like middle school. “I have to do well, and you don’t get to talk to me like that. Why don’t you talk to me like you would a teammate—“ Buffy stops.

TJ knows some people think Buffy can be harsh, but she’s harder on herself than she is on anyone else. The thing about being friends with her is never knowing exactly how to handle it. If Cyrus were here, he would know, but Cyrus is onstage pretending to be Lysander from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

“If you were my teammate, I would tell you to stop worrying and play the game. It goes how it goes. And I’d tell you to get along with Kira. You have to,” TJ says.

“Yeah,” Buffy breathes. “Sorry. Now pass me the ball.”

TJ obliges, and she dribbles in for a layup. He doesn’t know if he handled it right; but, he did something. Which is better than nothing. Now back to the matter at hand.

“So, Driscoll,” he calls. “What else has Cyrus said about Valentine’s Day?”

“That’s not for me to tell,” Buffy shrugs, starting to smile. “But I hope you’re taking him to the dance.”

“Uh, what kind of boyfriend do you think I am? Of course we’re going.”

“Alright, good,” Buffy says, taking a jump shot. 

“And,” TJ says, excitedly, “It’ll actually be fun. We’ve got the games, which everyone is coming to, and then the dance in the gym. Cyrus is coming over after, and we’re going to bake cookies and watch a movie—“ “Okayyy, I do not need to hear about your big date,” Buffy cuts in. TJ bites the insides of his cheeks so she won’t blush, because he had been planning a sort of date with Cyrus. But Buffy doesn’t need to know that. “But you’re right, it’ll be sweet. If your idea of romance is dancing in a sweaty gym in the dark.” TJ, who had been jogging back from the ball rack where he put away the basketball, stops to put his hands on his hips. “While you may be a cynical human being, Cyrus is a romantic—“

“So are you, TJ Kippen, don’t even try.”

“I refuse to acknowledge that statement. Buffy, you must come to the dance. It’s a part of the high school experience: the big game and then the sweaty prom.”

“Sweaty prom.”

“Sweaty prom!” TJ yells and does a spin around the gym. It’s exhilarating, he thinks, to have caring friends and a team he love to be on and a boyfriend who likes him back and has for over a year. And speaking of said boyfriend—

Cyrus enters the gym, and they both hear his hard-soled theater shoes from across the room. 

“Cyrus!” Buffy shouts, and runs over to him. TJ follows. “Save me from TJ, he’s trying to force me to go to… wait for it… the dance!”

Cyrus snorts, and swings his drawstring bag over his shoulder. “TJ, are these accusations trustworthy?”

“Very,” TJ says, pulling in Cyrus under his arm.

“In that case, I support them. Buffy, we need you to go the dance! Who else will ridicule their music choices and teach Gus how to do the cha cha slide?” “First of all, the instructions are in the song. Second of all—“ Buffy’s phone dings from inside her pocket, and she stops immediately to check it. TJ raises his eyebrows at her as she frowns at the tiny screen, then stops frowning and smiles a tiny bit. TJ runs through in his mind who it could’ve been—not Marty, who Buffy parted with freshman year. He shrugs it off—a mystery for another time.

“Got to go,” Buffy says, and rushes off to the locker room. 

“Buffy,” Cyrus calls, then shakes his head. “She’s been weird lately. I’m not sure what’s up.”

TJ nods absentmindedly, then turns to Cyrus. “How was rehearsal?”

Cyrus’s eyes go wide. “Some freshman dropped a set piece on Amber and she broke her pinky!”

“WHAT.” TJ feels his voice get quiet.

“Yeah, it’s okay though, it’ll be healed in two weeks. Show isn’t for another month. She said it feels fine.” “Fucking—sorry, fricking—freshman. Idiots, all of them,” TJ says, pulling Cyrus by the hand over to the bleachers so he can grab his bag.

“Can’t argue with that,” Cyrus shrugs, and they start to head to TJ’s car.  “Oh, and Amber told me to tell you she’s staying out late tonight, so don’t wait up for her.”

“She’s going out with a broken pinky?”

“She’s got a tiny cast; she’ll be alright.” TJ squints, unconvinced. “Anyways, how was your practice?”

TJ pulls Cyrus against his side. “The usual, you know. You’re bringing the whole gang out to the games on the 14th, right?”

He nods and wraps his arm around TJ’s waist. “I can’t wait.” Then he does that Cyrus-smile: with his lips upturned to his cheeks, and his eyes intense. “It’s Valentine’s Day too, you know,” he says sweetly.

“Oh, trust me,” TJ says. He puts both his arms on Cyrus’s shoulders and pulls him into a kiss. “I know.” Cyrus blushes when he pulls away, and TJ spins him towards the car.

“Movie tonight?” Cyrus asks. TJ bites his lip, then shakes his head.

“I wish. I’ve got precalc homework which is going to take me approximately four hours,” TJ says, slipping into the drivers’ seat. “Ms. Walters is evil, I swear.”

“I’ll be sending good luck in your direction,” Cyrus says as he buckles his seatbelt. TJ drives to Cyrus’s house, and on the way they listen to Billie Eilish and discuss the day’s events, their feelings towards pineapples, and Degrassi, their show. By the time TJ pulls into Cyrus’s driveway, it’s gotten dark and Cyrus’s eyelids are slipping closed. TJ smiles over at him and bops his nose with his index finger. Cyrus blinks awake, focuses on the house, and smiles a sleepy smile. Struck, as he is daily, by how cute Cyrus is, TJ leans across the seat and kisses him. Cyrus takes TJ’s hand, squeezes it, and tumbles out the door with his bags.

“See you tomorrow, underdog!” Cyrus turns to wave back at him, and TJ can still see the soft smile on his face.

As he drives away, TJ stops at the intersection that breaks off back to the Kippen house, and he takes a left instead of a right. He thinks about Cyrus’s excitement over Valentine’s Day and the dance as he pulls into the Target parking lot. Cyrus Goodman, he thinks, his own smile filling his features, you deserve the world.

[gamerwoo]

Seventeen headcanon: friends to lovers!Hansol

Anonymous asked: Yoooo... If you're not too busy, could we have headcanons for being best friends with Vernon, and then y'all get together in the end? Like you both really like each other but you're also best friends

you met this cutie in your art class freshman year of high school

your school requires you to get at least one(1) art class and he wanted to just get it out of the way because “I’m awful at art why is this a requirement”

so he sits as far away from the front as possible and kinda doodles whatever he wants

you never really spoke to him at all

he was pretty quiet and stayed in his own world

but one day

the teacher says yall gotta make abstract art

and hansol immediately perks up

he can do abstract

so the teacher leaves yall to it, and hansol makes a bee line for the paint

he starts splattering paint all over his canvas, getting it all over his apron and even his clothes that the apron doesn’t cover

and then some yellow hits the side of your face, getting on your skin, in your hair, and got on the collar/shoulder area of your shirt

you turn and there’s hansol looking at you in horror

his mouth is in an “o” shape but he can’t even make any noise

he doesn’t know what to do but holy shit he just splattered some stranger with paint

so he kinda just walks over and wipes off your face and hair as best as he can with his own shirt sleeve

“i-i’m so sorry...” he mumbles shyly

but hey its just paint

so you shrug and say “its not a big deal”

but he cant get all the paint out of your hair and he knows the paint will stain your shirt and he’s panicking more than you but he feels awful so he offers to buy your lunch today

so you end up sitting with him too

he sits alone because he likes to listen to music

at least thats what he told you

but he actually talks to you during lunch

and yall go from there

you become closer and closer each day

the second day, he sits beside you in class

and yall are inseparable after that

hansol’s always making mixtapes for you to listen to with songs you like

and he only listens to you half the time because he either has headphones in or he’s spacing out

but he’s always there for you

will drop everything if you’re upset

and that’s why you started to fall for him

yall make sure to hang out after school at least once a week

or on a weekend if you have to

tbh hansol didn’t fall for you until homecoming sophomore year tho

you both had dates but your’s ditched you in the middle of the semi formal dance for another girl

and hansol, as always, dropped everything for you

including his own date who he said was boring anyway

and yall danced together and he just knew

he caught the feelies for u

yall get even closer throughout high school

yall plan to apply to the same colleges because you two are joined at the hip by now

you have so much in common and cant get enough of hanging out with each other

always helps you study for important tests

especially the ones to get into college bc yall wanna go to college together

and then things escalate junior year when prom season is coming up

you didn’t think hansol had feelings for you like you did him, so you tried to forget those feelings

so when someone else asked you to prom, you said yes

HOWEVER

you found out through mutual friends that this person wanted to frick frack after prom

so you went home early

hansol went without a date, so he went home with you because he could tell something was wrong

“you were having such a good time, what happened?” he frowned as you drove home

you didn’t want to admit it to him, but he was your best friend “they wanted to have sex with me...”

“you didn’t want to?”

“I...never have...”

“o-oh...”

truthfully, hansol figured you had your first time already, so he was kind of surprised

but you thought he meant it in a bad way

“no! I’m not judging you! I’m a virgin too!!”

one thing led to another aaaaand

you would rather have your first time be with someone you trusted

guess who got laid that night

but did either of you admit your feelings for each other then?

no, that would be too easy

yall were still somehow afraid it was just a platonic thing

so it continues to be a secret

straight into senior year, where yall are voted “the couple who should’ve dated” for senior superlatives

and he’s voted for “best smile” but that’s besides the point

yall just awkwardly laugh it off

but toward the end of the year when prom season comes back around, hansol realizes this might be his last chance

sure, you could go to the same college, but there are more people there who might take you away from him

hell, he’s liked you for so long, he’s in love with you

and you love him

so he asks you to prom and it’s so fuckin’ cheesy

he sent you on a whole scavenger hunt that leads you to the art room you met

and he’s standing there with paint all over him

and “WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME?” painted on his shirt

and he’s got a whole bouquet of your favorite flowers and his smiling his signature gummy smile at you

and you almost cried

now he just gotta figure out how to confess to you

prom rolls around and things are going pretty normally

but then the DJ announces that it’s the last song of the night and plays a slow one

and hansol’s like ‘ok now is your chance just fuckin’ do it’

so while yall are dancing together, he slowly leans in and presses his lips to yours in a really sweet kiss

and you don’t even gotta think about it, you just kiss him back

you’d kissed him before but this was just kinda out of nowhere

so you’re like “what was that for?”

and he finally tells you that he’s loved you for at least a year by now and he wanted you to know

and you tell him you feel the same

and he get so excited that he doesn’t even know what to do so he just kisses you again so he doesn’t start lookin like an idiot

that night, yall become official

the whole damn school saw it coming

yall take the cutest graduation photos

and go to college together

and nothing can tear you apart from each other

[itskirahhh]

My fondest memories

How many days have you had in your life that you will able to have again? Spoiler:none. You could have a day that’s similar, a moment that’s quite close. Truth is, you will never ever get the same opportunity for a moment again. I am only sixteen, and i hopefully have a long long time left on earth yet, but the amount of memories you can gain in the first sixteen years of your life is crazy really. Everyone says that your school days are your best days, and you don’t believe them when you’re in school. I literally left school nine months ago and already i realise what everyone was talking about. It really, really was amazing, thinking about it. If you’re still in school, or even if you’ve left school like me really, just please try and make sure to make the most of everything you do. Spend time doing things and try and have the most fun doing whatever you’re doing because the memories you will get from even the littlest things will be worth it. Maybe i’m just really sentimental or maybe i’m right, but i recommend you do. 

These are my fondest memories:) don’t read it if you don’t want, i just wanted to reminisce lol.

I will never get back the days in reception where we danced around with our teacher Lucy to the Woohoo song.

I will never get back the days i used to spend my lunchtimes inside with my brother’s form tutor and asking her about how he was doing in school. *cringe* I will never get back that day me and my friend were sat in her room playing with our polly pockets and she had a big cruise ship that we wanted to make a sea for and ended up tipping water all over the carpet and crying to her mum that we were really sorry.  I will never get back those days it was snowing and me and my brother got sent to my mum’s work nextdoor from school and just sat eating biscuits and putting lunches in brown paper bags. I will never get back that day where me, my brother and two of my cousins were playing ‘peter pan’, i whacked my teeth with the ladder of a bunk bed and we accidentally turned on the shower whilst inside it when hiding from captain hook and smee. I will never get back the time me and my friend wrote a book about me and her finding kittens in a box and taking them to someone who definitely wasn’t our teacher - who was called mr moggy - and we ended up getting a big house together with loads of pets that we listed at the start of the book. I will never get back those days where me, my dad and my brother rode our bikes through the woods and all the way to a shop on the other side where we brought little snap pots of squash. I will never get back those times me and my brother used to pretend we were gladiators on that show on the slide in my garden. He was always the fire king and had electrical powers (because logic) and i was the ice queen, which was probably something to do with the fact we spent most of our time sat on our dining chairs at the big computer playing fireboy and watergirl or papa’s pizzeria. I will never get back those days where me and my friend played in her shed that we thought was really cool because it had two floors, or when we made up a dance to the song “Hot n’ Cold��� (that honestly is so vivid in my memory that i could probably do it for you right now) to show our mums.

I will never get back those sad, sad days i used to create bedrooms on girlsgogames on ‘my new room 2′ (i didn’t like the original or number 3) or look through the argos catalog for things to put in the bedrooms for the family i created for no specific reason that i can definitely still name now, and literally exactly what they looked like.  I will never get back those times in primary school that i played games i didn’t understand with my friend and we tried to figure out what monsters lived in the grate in the playground. I will never get back those days i used to stand on the bench in my garden and talk to my nextdoor neighbour every single day after school and on weekends and we would sit upstairs in the rooms that were closest to eachother and try our hardest to get our nintendo ds’s to connect so we could pictochat.

I will never get back the summer where i turned eleven and got my first phone, a white T-mobile unity that i had a green penguin case on that was intended for a blackberry phone. I had Now that’s what i call music 82 downloaded onto it, a shedload of awful selfies when my side fringe was just starting out, and i wrote fanfictions in my notes. Cool.  I will never get back those days where me and my new high school friends used to pretend we were doing music practice at lunch and instead just ate out lunch and sang along to the only song we knew how to play the chords to on a keyboard. I will never get back those days me, my boyfriend and his annoying little follow-along friend used to get kicked out of the little outside bit by our form, and the countless times we used to stand and flirt while his friend complained about it. 

I will never get back those days i used to go out to the field with my friend and her big photography camera and take photos for a project we invented for ourselves that currently remains incomplete. It was a book about two females who were together called Madison and Annabelle who were writing to eachother after getting split up during the holocaust. Sounds like a really fun project for two thirteen year olds lol. We slept around her house, had countless chinese meals and played with her kittens.

I will never get back the days where me and my best friend made videostars. The first one we did was last night by the vamps and we had her ipod resting against her tv while one of us tapped the record button and the other one was in shot. Id go through all the songs but there is a fuckton. 

I will never get back the day when my best friend’s mum and dad got married and me and some of my best friends spent the night in cute little party dresses trying to inhale helium from the party balloons and doing ‘the jellyfish dance’ and ‘i am the music man’ on the dance floor.  I will never get back those times we had triple history on a wednesday and i was just always so excited to see my new friend and current crush and not learn anything at all. I sat behind him in lesson and in one of the first ones i stuck a glue stick to the back of his elbow and he and my lovely, lovely teacher made me promise to buy him an indian takeaway to say sorry for doing so. (Who knew that was how you get a best friend??)

I will never get back the dance/school shows we did for maybe three nights in a row each year that we spent the first half of the year practicing for, sitting upstairs - or in the really early days, sitting in the canteen - with the other dancers, actors and ‘voices’ panicking over a spare line up sheet about getting dressed and putting stage makeup on in time before we had to go on stage again. We ordered a pizza from dominoes most years. The one in this year was one of the last ones i did and a group of us, including two of the main actors who me and my best mate thought were really cool, were sat on the floor in the corridor before we went on stage playing truth or dare and asking eachother silly questions. One of the dares was for my friend to give me a piggyback but on his shoulders, and he dropped me when i was up there and i landed on like a cement floor straight on my coccyx, and then had to do two dances after that. It was then a running joke between me and him that he had ‘broke my arse’. I will never get back those last moments with my dad at christmas when we played i spy because that was all he could understand, or on new years night when i lay next to him in bed and we watched alan carr until it hit midnight, or when we were eating biscuits in the hospice and he was laughing at himself because they were “o” shaped. I will never get back that moment i had my first kiss i had with my boyfriend or those four months over the summer period with my completely new (and improved) friend group and the day we went to the park and my best friend fell in the mud, we all tried to fit on a spinny thing, and we watched tangled, the day of our friends birthday when we went to the cinema and all lay on the trampoline at his house, my birthday that year. I will never get back the first house party i went to (which is perhaps a good thing to be completely honest), or the second one, or the third one, which was also the first time i got drunk and told my best friend she couldn’t sleep because she had hiccups, drunk texted my other best friend and then attempted to help my best friend when she threw up basically a whole bottle of bright orange caribbean twist on a white carpet.  I will never get back those lunchtimes every day where we sat underneath our tree (the one inbetween the year 8 tree and the smoking weed tree) on the field or on the first and seconds benches in the maths corridor and pissed about, made our own olympics and attempted to play rugby. There are waaaaay too many memories to list about lunch and breaktimes.  I will ever get back those last few days of school where we spent every lesson with our phones out and taking photos together or signing eachothers yearbooks rather than revising, and the fact i came home from school two or three hours late every day because i spent my time revising or doing dance practice. I will never get back my prom, one of the best moments of my life, to be honest, where i just saw all the people i had grown up with looking absolutely gorgeous and all dancing together and just not having a care in the world. Honestly, i wouldn’t have chosen to grow up with any different people. It is both amazing and emotional to think about both myself, and all the other amazing people in school growing up alongside eachother and shaping into who we are today.

Here’t to 16 more years of memories ay.

[welcometobadblood]

My Reputation Story

Sooo… I know I’m not active on here, but I wanted to speak a little bit on what Reputation means for me. I know that I don’t corner the market on it, but as I have been sitting here crying listening to New Year’s Day thinking about what this album means for me at this specific time in my life, I realized I needed to share my story. I don’t know with what intention, but I would love it if you shared it if it touches you in any way. And also, I needed to write this for my own sake.

I am gay.

I’ve never typed that publicly on the internet before. Ever. Even though I’m out in real life to my loved ones, and now much more drastically (more on that), it shocks me that I’ve never been safe to simply type that simple fact.

Last October, I entered into my first ever relationship. It was toxic, unhealthy, twisted, and I was left cheated on, heart broken, and ultimately confused as to what love is supposed to be about. Which led me into a downward spiral in December, ending in me coming out to my family.

For background, I have been raised in a Christian home and have had to deal with where I find myself at the intersection of my faith and my sexuality. On top of that, I went to a private Christian school from Kindergarten through 12th grade. My family did not take it well. They thought it was wrong, they got angry, of course they expressed their love but it launched me onto the ride of my life. For the last 5 months of my senior year in high school (this January through May), I was then forced to keep my mouth shut, be sure not to speak out, and keep my head down about it all.

That said, people knew. And they talked about me a lot. I remember in May, after prom, I found out that there was a rumor going around about how I was dancing with a boy at prom, which is an utter impossibility. I heard about classmates who were plotting to try to catfish me to yank me out of the closet. It was a witch hunt.

But alas, I survived. I graduated high school relatively unscathed, and expectant for the future away from that whole scene. Oh how ignorant I was then…

About three weeks after graduation, I met a boy. I fell hard, and I fell quick, although at the time I was very cautious due to how broken I still was from my prior relationship. I tried to push him away, I tried to shut it down a couple times, but it was inevitable. And despite it all, said boy refused to give up until we made it official.

I could bore you with the details of the early bit, but essentially I had to hide him from my family as I am still living at home. That blew up in my face, it was messy and ugly, whatever. But I fell more and more and more in love with him. He is everything I could ever dream of and more.

Fast forward, I wanted to go visit him in Baltimore in October where he started going to university this fall, and I decided to go ultimately against my parent’s wishes. It was not pretty. But I went anyway, and I’ve never been more happy in my life than that weekend. Interestingly enough, we have this cute thing where he calls me the “most beautiful” and I call him the “most gorgeous”, so that we don’t argue over who is the most of one of those (we’re so gay I’m sorry).

Well, that weekend Gorgeous dropped. I had loved Look What You Made Me Do and … Ready For It, but listening to Gorgeous for the first time while I had run away to my amazing boyfriend, who I happen to call the “most gorgeous”, while he held me in his arms… I just about lost it. I can’t tell you how that felt, it felt so right and I felt so safe in that moment despite all the other shit. It was like Taylor wrote this song from the thoughts in my head. Oh, did I mention that I was dating the toxic ex when I first saw my current boyfriend? Sound familiar?

So I get home from the weekend, it was heaven and bliss. My family is pissed, but whatever I was on a high. I posted a photo of my boyfriend and I on my private instagram account with only about 40 trusted friends following. Everything was fine and great.

Until the photo leaked at the school I graduated from. Remember? The Christian one?

Now, I was a big deal on campus. I was a leader, I tried to invest in the student body, I was on stage a lot as I led worship in chapel, and all of that was the greatest privilege and joy of my high school career, I genuinely enjoyed serving my peers and creating the best possible experience that I could for them. So it wasn’t like I was some random guy. In addition, my family had been plugged in there for 20 years, with my mom still currently working there.

The photo spread like wildfire among faculty, staff, students, parents, etc. And everything I loved went up into flames.

I was getting comments from people, texts, emails, I knew that people were talking about me, the administration had to step in due to my mom still working there. The “reputation” I had built for myself the past 13 years there was all of a sudden gone, just because I kissed a boy. Everything went straight down the toilet, and it felt like everything had crumbled to pieces around me. I’m still reeling from it all and trying to figure out what to do next and how I can even continue breathing. I’ve been reduced to the worst mental health I’ve ever had, I struggle to keep going day to day, and I honestly just don’t know what to do.

So then drops “Reputation”. And somehow, Taylor wrote my entire heart out. The first time I listened to the album, I felt like someone punched me in the gut. It hurt me a lot. I couldn’t listen to it again for several hours, despite how much I loved it. I felt every word so hard.

From …Ready for It, thinking about how despite my circumstances I know I’m going to be with him. To Don’t Blame Me, in the religious overtones, imagining how I somehow have to explain myself to these close minded people. How I have to give in and allow them to light me up like the witch they would make me out to be.

To Delicate, recognizing that I am in a broken, hurt place, trying to figure out how to start a new relationship and what it means to be loved. Look What You Made Me Do, so perfectly encapsulating my more angry feelings as I feel I should be justified in posting a photo with my boyfriend privately.

Then to the softer tones… Thinking how my boyfriend has loved me at my worst, has made me so happy. Has become the love of my life overnight, despite all the madness and despite circumstances and things that most boys would give up on me for.

King of My Heart, somehow describing this discreet relationships so perfectly. There’s of course Dress, and I’m not going to go into the details of that :-)  Call It What You Want, as I imagine my baby and how he loves me so much.

And finally, New Year’s Day. I want a love like this song, the one that lasts in the worst moments. I have been through the wringer. My reputation is destroyed, I’m trying to figure out how to rise up from the ashes. But I’m so grateful for this album, so specifically writing my story. I am shocked by how much it all feels relevant, and it still hurts to try to process all of my emotions through this album.

This has gone on long enough and I feel as though I could say a million more words about this album. But this is just a small piece of my story that I wanted to share. Because I can.

Thank you @taylorswift. Forever and always.

Xoxo. Austin.

[angstattack]

Domestic Violence Awareness Month - My Story.

-This is my story, it isn’t pretty and it isn’t happy but it is mine.

I was 14 when I met him, I was a freshman on the colorguard team going to an after school club before practice with a teammate - my friend of a couple years. He was a senior, and he went to this after school club I think twice a week when it met.

At the time he had a girlfriend, they'd been together for a few years, I didn't really know her. He made a couple potential passes at me and I gently reminded him about his girlfriend - so he stopped. We were friends for the remaining five or six months of the school year.

When he graduated he joined the Marines, during basic he snuck a couple calls to me - I remember sitting by my window grasping onto every moment. He said he and his girlfriend weren't speaking at the time - he said they were falling apart but that's all he said about her.

He came back as school was starting up, my sophomore year. I saw him show up with his very pregnant girlfriend to a football game. I was in the stands with my colorguard teammates and the marching band. To this day I can remember in clear detail the moment when he turned his head as he walked by with her and the feeling of my heart sinking just a little.

They fell apart within a month, he and I kept in contact the whole time - he said she'd been using him and tried to tie him down with a baby. Eventually she would sign over all of her rights and run away to Florida - she never kept in contact.

It's unclear in my memory when we started seeing each other, but it was after this man had been stationed in Okinawa Japan. We maintained a pretty consistent texting situation even with the 16 hour time difference and his ever changing schedule.

He was really great then, those first six months or so. He'd stay in Japan through the rest of my Sophomore year, my Junior year and a portion of my Senior year. He purchased a ring during my junior year after asking about the ring size on my class ring that I'd just received - I thought it was sweet even if I wouldn't see him for a while and he held onto it.

But during those roughly two years he began to change. He would sort of punish me for not replying fast enough to a text by ignoring me for a bit and asking how it felt to be push aside, that turned into freezing me out for days on end. He would often call me a popular B word. He'd gone from being distracted and gaming during Skype calls to completely ignoring what I was saying to him - he wouldn't try to make conversation but he also wasn't obviously intending to miss what I would say or ask.

There were times during my Junior year when he began pressuring me about sex. I was just barely sixteen when I started my Junior year of high school. I wasn't ready for that, I knew I wasn't ready. He came home around May later that year for his sister's graduation. I was about a month from turning seventeen - and I was not ready still. He told me it could be a year or more before I see him again and that this was the perfect time. I said no.

Later during that same leave we went on a date and saw The Lucky One in theatres (for those of you wondering, this is in May of 2012), he gave me the ring he'd held onto while we watched the movie and said it was a promise that we'd get married and be together forever- that we were engaged. He then tried to engage in some questionable things while we were in the theater and I wasn't comfortable at all. Needless to say, he pushed my limits and I stopped him before it got too far. It didn't really get very far in the grand scheme of things but at sixteen almost seventeen and not ready for anything it was going to be too far no matter what.

He went back to Japan, things went back to the new normal - him ignoring me, punishing me for not replying fast enough, him pressuring me about sex, him expecting me to be there for whatever he needed no matter what, more name calling - increasingly vulgar. I held my ground on the sex thing which pissed him off. His guilt trips started around Christmas that year. He kept going on about how all of his friends had girlfriends who sent photos - dirty photos. He pushed on that, and so began the "If you love me then you'll do this". He was constantly making me prove that I loved him and if I wouldn't do something it was like five steps back and I'd be left waiting at my computer for a Skype call or have my texts ignored for the whole weekend.

This was normal for most of my senior year. My friends started to notice what he was doing and they chimed in about how this wasn't normal or okay. Remember, I turned 17 the June before my senior year - I was among the 5 youngest in my grade all through school -  I didn't know any better, I was innocent and young and this was the first real relationship I had. So I listened to my friends, I remembered what my drum major and good friend from band asked me - she asked if he was sweet to me, I'd told her yes as a sophomore, she told me if he ever hurt me that it wasn't something I should stand for - I assumed she meant if he said something that hurt me unintentionally.

There was a night when I sat in my room and waited for his call while doing homework, I don't remember the conversation but I do remember it ending with us being on a break for a month or so. Ultimately he tried to make it all better with promises to be kinder and patient like he usually blabbed. I got through winter and into the spring of my senior year still dating this guy who went back to his usual bullshit.

He came home in April of 2013, and I wish I could tell you that I stuck with my gut and did what I thought was right but I didn't. About a month and a half before turning 18 I was coerced and manipulated into having sex with this guy. He had me lie to my parents, saying I was at a friend's for her birthday party and sleepover - which I'd just done in March with a few close friends so it wasn't out of the ordinary. I don't remember how I ended up there after school that day but I was at his parents' house for a party to celebrate him coming home. I went to bed in their guest room, he was in his room, and obviously it didn't stay that way. I'm not comfortable going further in this bit of the story because it didn't happen by my choosing yet some people will tell me coercion isn't rape ... so we'll jump to the next morning. He walked me to where my dad was picking me up and I can still hear him saying something that would never leave me... "Added another virgin to the conquering list", that made me feel shitty and used. To this day it echoes in my brain.

My dad knew instantly that I'd lied, the night before I was questioning myself and made some excuse to get myself out of it - but then didn't. I ended up going to a pharmacy and getting a morning after pill because I didn't know what the best option was. My father called the police and reported the guy, at the time I refused to say anything, eventually paperwork came saying that the case was basically null due to my being almost 18. I was relieved at the time because I thought I loved him and he loved me, today I wish they'd pushed me to speak up back then.

Our parents banned us from communicating for a while. I went to Prom, I graduated, I turned 18, things were sort of normal. He and I picked back up right before I turned 18. As always it started out fine but got nasty - and nastier and nastier. On my 18th birthday I got my nose pierced - a cute captive bead hoop, something I'd wanted since 16 and only mentioned a couple weeks before - my parents had no issue with it, my mother also has a nose piercing but she got hers later. I sent this guy a picture during the drive home, a picture showing my new nose ring. I waited a moment and saw his reply come in.... "You look like a whore." followed by "My parents would never accept that, they're going to yell at me because of this". My heart dropped, I loved the piercing - a couple months later I got a smaller hoop that fit better and I've never looked back - but in the moment I was really torn. I told my mom that he simply didn't like it and she said "Don't you take it out unless you don't want it anymore, make that choice on your own". I lit into him and said it was my choice, that he needed to back off. He punished me by not talking for a while. After that I began dying the tips of my hair teal because I also wanted to do that, he said his parents hated it too - I didn't care.

Things continued as usual. In November of 2013 I went to London, Paris, and Rome with some of family. Prior to going but after ticket booking I'd mentioned it to this guy. He said I wasn't allowed to go, I asked why, he said I was going to end up cheating. I laughed at that, full of myself, and said I'm too loyal for that. He texted saying he'd seen photos of me and some guy doing something sexual that I won't say in this video. I asked for proof, he had none, he said it was clearly my head, shoulders, and hair from behind.

At that moment, I went to Europe and I was no longer in love with this guy. I was emotionally disconnected - I stopped caring around then and I should've ended it but I didn't ... and you'll see why I wish this by the end of my story. I ignored him during the trip, I told him not to text me because it would cost me some amount each time, and it was for emergencies.

I came home on Thanksgiving, we didn't speak much for about two weeks I think. Around Christmas in 2013 he was home for a while before getting sent to Pendleton in California.  He came to my house uninvited as we were making Christmas dinner for the family - waiting for them to get there. I looked out a window and saw him walking toward my house. I panicked, I didn't feel safe around him and didn't want him in my home. I got in the shower like I'd planned earlier in the day. My dad knocked saying he'd shown up, I said I was showering and would be a bit and that I also didn't want to speak to the guy.

I finished my shower, listened from the hall upstairs and heard him leave. I got dressed, pretended nothing happened, and came downstairs. My dad mentioned that the guy had brought a gift, it was sitting on the tiny table in our entry area. I didn't touch it or look at it all night, I reluctantly brought it up stairs when I went to bed and set it in front of my closet where it sat for about a day, I opened it out of curiosity. He got me sims 3 seasons and sims 3 island paradise, slipped into the bag was also a necklace - something I'd never wear even if we were on good terms. I felt bad, he'd wasted his money. I texted him a pretty bland thank you note, he said he didn't care if I kept the gifts or not - he could probably tell I was angry and not interested. They sat and sat and sat some more, I ended up selling them a couple years later and used the money to have a nice day out shopping for my 21st birthday.

I told him he had one more chance. Around Valentine's day in February of 2014 I visited him at Pendleton. I was sort of playing a part, I wasn't emotionally there but making the motions as if I were. He, as usual did things to ignore me like playing some card game with his friends, getting sucked in League of Legends - which reminds me of him and I will admit is half of why I hate it so much. He went to a game shop and played his card game for over two hours, fifteen minutes into being there I asked if I could go sit in the car and wait for him, I did. I waited for two hours, asking every so often when he'd be out. We were going to go dinner, this had been a planned ten minute stop, I was irritated that once again I came second to some damn game.

One night he was pressuring me about sex, I wasn't interested. He wouldn't stop, so I quickly got my phone, ID, shoes on, and darted out of the hotel room. He spent five minutes whining and calling my name - it was late, like ten at night, and I felt like a dick hiding in a stairwell - so I sat on a bench across the parking lot from our room and let him find me. He chastised me like a child for running, which no - I shouldn't have done and I do regret, it was a dick move. He said something about mountain lions or wolves being on the base and that we should get inside, I told him to fuck off - that I'd rather be out with whatever animals were there - and that I'd come inside when I felt like it.... which was about four minutes later because I didn't have a jacket and it was February in California at night.

Most of the trip after that was normal, we slept in separate beds - by my demand - for the rest though. Eventually we drove back to Arizona, he had a couple weeks off or something. I sort of ignored him for a couple days, still irritated and not able to get him to listen to me. March was starting, something didn't seem right to me - my period was late, then something happened, I experienced what everyone and everything told me at the time was a miscarriage. My first thought was that my body betrayed me, followed by knowing I wasn't ready, and finally wondering how that was possible if we were being safe as I had agreed to. I confronted the guy and told him what happened, his first reaction? He assumed I cheated so I skipped that and instead just asked if he ever didn't use a protection when we were together ... there was a pause and he said very casually "well, no, I put it on after a while a few times, and took it off a couple times". That's not how proper safe sex works, and I was furious. What I didn't know then that I do now is that this, like coercion, is a twisted form of rape - called stealthing (which, if you're curious about either I made videos about under my Taboo Tuesday segment - numbers 21 and 22).

I spent a solid week getting through that, knowing what he did, how he reacted, what happened - ultimately it would take me a fair bit longer. A few days later we went on a date, pretty normal, but I wasn't myself yet - I tried to play it off like I wasn't as disconnected as I felt. Later that night we were at his parents' place - where he was staying, he once again - you guessed it - coerced me into something. I sort of emotionally quit and let him at the point. I wasn't myself, I was broken in several ways, and I stopped caring.

We went on one final date - but at the time I didn't realize it was the final one. We argued about something that escapes me now. I told him I needed to go home and I would call someone for a ride. We were in a parking lot, he grabbed my at my wrist and forearm, held my there and said I wasn't going anywhere. Fortunately he dropped me off, though several ideas ran through my head about what he might do instead.

Later that night, at home alone and dwelling on the events, I snapped. This was it, I needed to get out - I needed him gone forever - I couldn't handle one more thing, I was done. I childishly used his tactics against him, he ignored me so I ignored him longer - he called me something, I called him something back. Come mid April I was burning with rage. I didn't care anymore, I stopped caring what he wanted or thought, I was done.

I called him up, I told him we were over, he made the excuse that he'd kill himself if I left him - I said I didn't care, which I genuinely didn't care so that's a scary moment to look back on. He tried to suffocate himself, while on the quiet line I texted his mother that her son was probably going to harm himself then I hung up and set my phone aside.

For the next year, every few months, he would try to reach me, I blocked his cell, then his Skype, then his Facebook. My settings were altered somehow and at one point he was no longer blocked, he messaged me saying he would pay me for sexual favors, then demanded the ring back, I lied saying I got rid of it- in reality it was in a box and I didn't want to see it - I later sold it too for money I spent on my 21st birthday. He would contact me a few more times in various ways - saying all he wanted was to ruin my life. At one point he'd turned it all around and made me out to be the one who hurt, abused, and manipulated him, even going so far as to accuse me of being with him for his money - which would be stupid as he was a low rank with little pay trying to support his daughter.

I spent two years working through his damage, now three and a half years later I'm a strong, confident, loud, opinionated woman who won't be used and manipulated so easily. I don't feel as if my story is my own, the girl who was hurt then isn't who I am now and I struggle with that a lot - accepting that I was once that weak and manipulated is really hard. I fixed myself on my own, no friends, family, or medical professionals ... I was all of those for myself. It took a while before I would even share small fragments from this epic story. My ex was a Marine who said that somehow with his desk job he had ended up PTSD, for years he took it out on a young girl who only wanted to love and be there for someone she thought cared about her too.

During the time when I worked on myself I put on the facade of a stronger, opinionated, stick to her guns type of person. Eventually that became my reality only better - I love who I am - every bad joke, every opinion, every belief, every dream I want to achieve... I can live with and care for this version of myself but I don't think I could've been the same had I not gone through that abusive and manipulative relationship.

So here's to the girl with the little voice that helped make me who I am today, I'm sorry nobody saw through the mask, and how nobody cared enough to help you or offer you a moment to talk about what was happening. I'll be better for the both of us now, I promise.