#our own worst enemy

[whiskeyandcigarsmoke]

The painful backstory is loud today.

Memories of everything that happened mixing with everything I wish I would have done.

Logan gets it, he's lost everything as well because of a rage he couldn't control.

Kindred spirits mourn their past misdeeds together, forever berating themselves for the part they played in their own eternal pain and torment.

[momentsbeforemass]

How does God see us?

Maybe it’s one bad choice after another. Maybe it’s the same bad choice again and again. Maybe you just feel stuck.

However it works for you, all of us have things we struggle with. We make mistakes. We do things that set us back. We set ourselves up to fail. We know better, and yet…

It’s almost like you and I can’t help being our own worst enemies. And we all do it.

I hear St. Paul’s frustration – “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want I do” – and all I can say is “same.”

When we catch ourselves doing this, it’s easy to get down on ourselves. To feel like this is who we are. That it’s hopeless. That it’s always going to be like this. That we’ll never get it right.

When we see ourselves this way? When we start describing ourselves in terms of what’s wrong? Without even thinking we isolate ourselves. Because who would want to have anything to do with someone who’s as messed up as we are?  

Do other people really see us that way? Probably not.

Not because they’re kind and forgiving. But because they’re just as wrapped up in their own stuff are we are in ours. The people we think are judging us, are put off by us? They barely even know we exist.

There is one Person who is paying attention. God knows exactly what we’re doing. And for a lot of us, that just makes it worse.  

Because we’ve got this idea that we have to be perfect for God. That there’s no way that God will want anything to do with someone as messed up as we are. That we’ve got to fix ourselves before God will love us.

It’s a perspective on God that has hurt a lot of people. But it couldn’t be further from the truth.

So how does God see us?

“Not as man sees does God see, because he sees the appearance but the Lord looks into the heart.” (today’s first reading)

God isn’t put off because we don’t always get it right. God isn’t looking for people who are perfect.

Our mistakes don’t push God away. And our moments of awesome don’t draw God to us. Because that’s not what God is looking for.

God is looking for people who are trying to love, who are trying to do the right thing. God is looking for people who have a heart turned toward Him.

But you and I are works in progress. Truth be told, we are not done getting it wrong. You and I have not made our last mistakes.

God knows this about us. And God loves us too much to let any of that get in the way.

Today’s Readings

[princehendir]

Do you guys remember that Reddit screenshot that was like:

Incel-adjacent guy: the simple fact is that no hot woman wants to get with an average looking nerdy man. That's why guys like me are fucked.

Normal commenter: why don't you try dating average looking women with nerd hobbies then?

Incel guy; what would be the point of that

.......... Sometimes the male loneliness discourse feels a lot like that.

[shanny-banany]

Thank you so much for the tag @tonguetiedraven!!!

First Line Writer Game

My last 10 works and their opening lines:

1. Sleepy Wishes and Dreamy Kisses

The wind was howling and whipping ruthlessly against Ryuuji’s miserable form, amplifying his immense regret for agreeing to this as he shoved his gloved hands into his coat pockets.

2. A Date for the Dance

It had been cropping up here and there in odd places for a while now— ever since Rin had made a new friend and started bringing Godaiin around.

3. Above the Mistletoe

Rin had been vaguely aware of Hanahaki disease.

4. Anonymously Obvious

“After he had served his own generation by the will of God, he fell asleep—”

5. a breath of our passion

There was nothing in Assiah that could compare to the beauty of Rin shamelessly letting go, lost in pleasure and bathed in moonlight— of that, Ryuuji was absolutely certain.

6. Effervescent

Ryuuji raced across the sky, the rapid crunching of his boots through the snow covered walkway reverberating in his frustratingly muddled brain, the whirring whump whump whump of the helicopter overhead doing nothing to pull his eyes from his target.

7. i’ve got a secret (it’s on the tip of my tongue, it’s on the back of my lungs)

Rin bounced with each step, his tail wiggling under his shirt, and barely containing his excitement as he kept pace with the Kyoto trio.

8. Constellations in the Sky and Stars in Your Eyes

Ryuuji had never considered himself to be overly superstitious.

9. Sessions of Sweet Silent Thought

Rin had an ethereal beauty to him when he fought.

10. Secret Sketches and Meddlesome Halflings

Rin had seen glimpses here and there.

These are always so fun!! Im happy with the mix of wordy and clipped opening sentences, and I like that one jumps in with a verse recitation intro. But this definitely has me itching to finish up a bunch of my nearly complete wips, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve shared anything 😩

Tagging anyone else interested in sharing <3

[patchwork-crow-writes]

I wrote today.

I worked on a project I started three months ago.

I checked out a cool new game.

And that should be good enough.

That should be enough.

[streetplants]

God gives his busiest lives to his best fanfic authours

[eclipsecrowned]

relistens to all the cut h*milton songs to remind myself why i hate capitalist marketability standards in modern arts.

[treestomeetyou]

the bbc saw y’all calling good omens and ofmd queerbait and is advertising merlin again to show y’all how baiting is actually done

[cullen-ruler]

so many times i've read a 10/10 fic on ao3. amazing, a work of art, the most beautiful thing i've ever read. i go to leave kudos.

"you have already left kudos here. :)"

[wheeloffortune-design]

i can't believe my mental health, my physical health, my career, my art and my future, are all dependant on the chinstrap i ordered just so i would stop taking off the cpap mask in the middle of the night

[ilikelookingatthings]

I NEED TO SCREAM INTO THE VOID.

I am in a pickle of my own making! I have over 1000 tabs open on my computer because I kept opening new windows and forgetting the previous windows. Most of these tabs are fanfiction. My computer is slow as all get out because of all the tabs so I can't bounce between them to get to all the oneshots. There are so many that the windows don't show as pictures and the only way to scroll to tabs is to have all the tabs on the side instead of at the top.

So I've been meticulously going through each tab to try to finish a window to then start again in the next window.

But not ONLY are a majority of the tabs fanfictions...many are multi-chapter.

But my ONLY hobby right now(aside from making earrings out if beads so I can get rid of my beads) is writing comments on fanfictions....so my pace is slowed down EVEN MORE because I am SHIT at summarizing my thoughts in a short ans sweet manner!

I write my comments to process and get out every thought I can on the fanfiction currently in my sights so I won't be lingering on it for months mentally. The good, the bad, the 'this part doesn't make sense logically with what you set up but COULD WORK if you adjust this part a smidge so we can enjoy your brilliant lines over here', the ooooh my God I'm terrified I'm having so much fun reading this, amd of my God this is infuriating and I hate it but I live it write more!

My computer bounces between being able to spell properly and skipping letters and the spell check takes so long to do because I write so much!!! And then I need to check tone of my comment because what if I wrote out all my thoughts and didn't realize my love and appreciation didn't get through where people might take it as critique or hurtful because I didn't get my feeling across properly.

So I need to double check! Because I don't want to accidentally discourage someone who's fic I cared enough about to read through! I'll want more fanfics after all!!!

But I also need to get through the fanfics as quickly as possible and I write alot quickly and I need to get my thoughts out of my head as soon as possible so I can go to the next fanfiction!

But then I have such good taste and the writers are so great I get sucked in again! And if I'm not careful I'll write a comment for every chapter!!!

I spent TWO DAYS going through a 20 chapter fanfic! Just to delete ONE TAB! I can't even sort the tabs by oneshots! I have to go tab by tab in this window to get through the window or risk the computer rebooting and reopening or opening copys of windows!!!! And I can't pin point all the copy windows cuz some windows have fanfics from the other windows!

And then I thought! Hey no one really CARES if I comment right? I can just skip one or two! But not only does my brain say no! that fanfic didn't have any comments!!! which was a travesty because the fic was so good and needs to be appreciated! So I needed to write one! And THEN apparently people recognized that I commented on almost every fanfiction I've read and noticed I'm BACK because I took hiatus for so long due to lent! I don't eve have any writing of my own and somehow people noticed?

AND WRITERS apparently appreciate them so I get all warm and fuzzy! Whoch gives me energy to comment more!

But I still have a ridiculous amount of tabs and I made a deal with myself I can't scroll on tumblr or YouTube for too long on my phone until I get through ALL of them! Because that risks me making MORE comments because it's not just fanfictions I process that way!!!

There are tabs from at least 3 years ago!!!! And that's not even adressing when I AM done I plan on getting through my bookmarks because they are separate!!!! And how when I read a fic from one Fandom I get the erge to look for MORE!

I've got myself opening up new tabs at least 3 times! Luckily stopping myself from diving further in. Commenting on those fanfictions and closing the tabs quickly. But still!!!!

And that's not even adressing tge fanfic purges that happen so what if one of the five I was reading got taken down so I'll never know the ending? Or when my tabs refresh so the comment I spent 15 minutes writing disappeared!!!! I can type very quickly and my reading comprehension are high. I wrote past the archive comment limit within 2 minutes once so I thought this would be faster!

Am I my own worst enemy?! I can't just give up now! But there are so many!!!! And something tells me most won't be one shots! But even just the one shots can be worth multiple comments!

Its how I process! My sister can only take so much of ne talking at her about characters and Fandom she isn't in!!! And my prize at the end are more fanfictions I'm not letting myself read til I finish all of these!

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Why do I DO this to myself!!!!!

[kriz-smthn]

"So, how slow of a writer are you? I mean, it can't be that bad, right?"

About that...

[momentsbeforemass]

Sort of

We’re good people, right?

Sort of.

I mean, we do good things. Some of the time. But sometimes we don’t.

We’re nice to other people. Some of the time. But sometimes we aren’t.

At least we don’t go out of our way to hurt people. Usually.

That’s pretty much it. The best we can do is “sort of.”

Why? Why can’t we just be the people we tell ourselves we are?

(BTW, I hate the answer to this question.)

Because we are our own worst enemies.

When things are going great, when we are actually being the people we tell ourselves we are. It’s almost like there’s something in us that says, “this is going far too well, better screw it up.”

And we do something to sabotage ourselves. Something that, with the awful clarity of hindsight, usually stands out as an easily avoided trap. Or a ragingly stupid decision.

Today’s first reading describes it more poetically, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately corrupt; who can understand it?”

It’s not so much that we’re bad people. It’s just that we’re unreliable. And deceitful.

And the people that are the most deceitful towards?

Ourselves. We tell ourselves the biggest lies. About us.

And because we so desperately want to be the people that we tell ourselves we are, we believe them.

The thing is, when we do, we set ourselves up. For disappointment. And worse.

Because on our own, we can never live up to all of the expectations that we have for ourselves. On our own, we can never be the people that we tell ourselves we are.

It’s why the Bible warns us time and again about the dangers of trusting in people. Especially when we are those people.

The Bible calls that kind of misplaced trust “cursed.” Not because God is hurling thunderbolts and cursing us for trusting in people (especially ourselves) instead of Him.

It’s “cursed” because it always ends up in a mess. Because that’s the natural character of trusting in people. It’s kind of like calling water “wet.” That’s just what it is.

The alternative? As much as we don’t want to admit it, the alternative – the only thing that works – is obvious.

Trusting in God.

The Bible calls that kind of rightly placed trust “blessed.” Because that’s the natural character of trusting in God. That’s just what it is.

Because of who God is.

Because, in the end, God is the only constant. The only One that we can trust absolutely. Which is why we should,

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” – Corrie ten Boom

Today’s Readings

[mauvecardigans]

yo hold up

does being into the beast (as in beauty and the) make a person a furry, or a monsterfucker?

[healingheartdogs]

Ngl the more I see Biden saying things that don't make sense like actual nonsense sentences, calling people the wrong names, making points that are the opposite of what he supposedly meant to say, and looking out of it and not quite there at public events, paired alongside reports from White House staff of what sound like him sundowning so they try not to schedule him for anything after 4 pm, plus the previous investigations of him taking classified intel from his previous white house position as VP and sharing it with others being excused away as him being confused and having memory issues so he wasn't in his right mind to be held responsible like... I'm really starting to feel like everyone in this man's ear telling him he needs to stay in the game and he's fine to keep running and be president is participating in elder abuse. This man has been showing clear signs of an issue resembling dementia (obvi I'm not a doctor and I'm definitely not his doctor so I'm not going to outright say he HAS dementia, I just recognize the signs from personal experience) since well before his election as president and it has only been getting worse. Like dear gods please make him retire let him retire, he needs professional end of life health aides not to be running a country as a political puppet.

[doctorweebmd]

both zero-sum and the litany of love and loss were concepts that possessed me and would not not get out of my head until i wrote them but i have wastly different feelings about both of these stories despite loving them equally