#otherwise it feels like a slap in the face imo. kind of a 'this is cool but not really.' vibe for me

[sengenism]

I am in so much pain, why did you recommend "cheers to the tin man"?

I don't usually cry when reading but wth, I'm on my knees bawling my eyes out.

I don't know how to feel, especially in the second part.

My first impression was, "Holy cow, 70,000+ words in two chapters? I'm getting fed tonight" but then came the content.

Knowing it was written before the manga was finished I had to adjust my expectations with the character cast (like Xeno and Stanley) but otherwise it was well written and incredibly heartfelt.

The first chapter was Senku's pov, slowly building up the tension, especially with the flashbacks, and I had to kinda guess that maybe everyone remembers the future except Senku. (I'm not confirming or denying)

Reaching the end of the chapter, I felt contempt and happy knowing that everyone is safe. (Trying my best to not spoil anyone reading this)

But then there's the second part which is Gen's pov.

I felt my heart shattering into ten billion pieces.

I want tell you the reason but again, there might be someone who will want to read the fic as well but ykyk.

You gave me a fic where the first chapter falsely guided me into thinking everything is fine just to slap me in the face with the second one.

I am recovering from mental stress, I never thought a fic so well written caused me this pain.

Although I guess it's technically an open ended ending which is why I'll be deluding myself, but seeing how your recommendation managed to cause this kind of reaction to my psyche, I have no idea if I'm afraid to ask for more or excited.

From your dearest;

Onion-chan

- 🧅

any time a fic is longer than 50k words i do a mental backflip. like thank you sengeners i am truly indebted to u......

wait, was it open-ended? i remember it being a good ending but maybe i'm just optimistic when it comes to fics so i just assume the good one is the real ending as long as there are some hints to it LMAO i may need to reread it again

and YEAH i really like how gen's pov continues the story and contributes so much more... though being in senku's unreliable narrator head is the best thing ever imo

[spoiler for both dr stone and the fic here]

for me the main discrepancy compared to the manga now, would be the fact that petrification is supposed to be an all-cure. though personally, i'm not a fan of medusa's immunity yadda yadda stuff so i prefer the angst that this fic's lore provides. dr stone is too risk-free, and while that makes me feel comfort while reading, knowing that none of my favourite characters will ever die (except the astronauts), it's also a biiiit much to me lol # let stanley make swiss cheese outta those kids or whatever it was he said in that one chapter it'll make me cry but it'll be good

anyways, glad u enjoyed it!!

[doubleddenden]

Today's beta content was heavy on the scrapped pokemon content for XY with some from BW and RS scratch pads.

However, the XY ones are astounding. I think anyone that's seen them on Twitter and keeps up with the beta content like I have will agree that these are literally the highest quality scrapped pokemon we've ever seen. Fully drawn and detailed- dunno about 3d models yet, there's still a lot left to find, but still- there's only a small handful, but they're all of incredible quality. Even concept art of Noibat is easy enough to see repurposed as a Future Paradox, I think.

Literally looking at some of them and all the other scrapped content for XY (they actually planned a rhyhorn racing mini game for example), and looking at how little we actually get for new pokedexes or what came after- we were robbed. Actually robbed.

Like yall there's a flamingo that serves cunt there. I think it's supposed to be beta Aromatise but it can be its own thing- it's what you think of when you think of an actual flamingo Pokemon. In gen 6. And look at fucking Flamigo in gen 9. Flamigo feels like a slap in the face looking at what we almost had. Like there's a downgrade and then there's THIS, man.

The others, especially the cassowary looking guy and peanut dinosaur guy, I need them so bad. Those are friends trapped in an alternative timeline.

Otherwise there's concept art for beta megas of the Kanto starters and Mewtwo. This was probably when they were getting a feel for what Mega Evolution was, during a time when they were considering it just a normal Evolution. Still, they look so ALIEN in such a cool and distinct way. Charizard Y has a gigachad chin, really pronounced bones and a tail that kinda has a furnace inside- it looked bulky, but the tail was sort of a thruster and it was almost more of a wyvern in some art. Venusaur ACTUALLY ALMOST LOOKED LIKE A FROG. Or toad. Whatever, the animal inspiration was actually clear. Blastoise is remarkably the least changed, but it's still a more bad ass take with a mustache sometimes. All 3 kind of resemble elders kf their species or mutations binded with something alien. I like the final results mind you, but god damn this is such a waste that we didn't get these somehow as Paradoxes or Bloodmoon type pokemon yknow? Like yeah Kanto pandering, but still, that's how cool they look to me.

The Mega Mewtwo concept is also really cool and I get why they're referred to as Mewthree and Mewfour in concept. One looks so fucking cool, like Mewtwo as a Xenomorph. The other is much closer go Y. Looking at this, I can certainly see how the alien plot theory could have happened and it would have made sense that Mewtwo went further because of it- yet there's no evidence of any alien plot line like that one theory posted way back. Not yet anyway. Mewtwo X is such a let down in comparison to Xenomorph Mewtwo imo.

Interestingly there does not seem to be any scrapped megas so far other than one who I won't say on the off chance it's added to ZA. Even in ORAS beta. Flygon isn't mentioned at all, which probably means it never even left the drawing table (or GF lied and it was simply never planned). God damn, art block hits like a bitch.

Regardless, this art is really incredible and I love the art style. I know Sugimori art is the series staple, but it would have been neat to try this for a bit imo.

I hope maybe more come up, but they've also started on Switch games, with Legends Arceus concept art and prototypes. For some reason Brock was their beta model, and there's concept art of Rei and Akari with slightly different hats and a slightly different Jubilife village. Otherwise there's not any Hisuian pokemon variants at this point, and it may have been planned to have the DP starters instead. Some pages seem like a pitch for it, and Legends Arceus is now a game far more important than most realize.

LA was pitched from the get go and it seems like they wanted to forgo DP remakes all together. The game was meant to be a foundation for how all future games in the franchise would grow and be a testing ground for a lot of new ideas to implement later on in the series, and to purposely draw in a different crowd than usual. I think that they accomplished that anyway, even if it's a bit unpolished graphics wise. Still, concept art for it's wilderness is incredibly detailed and gorgeous.

It'd be neat to find scrapped Pokemon for it, but I think there might not be much for it considering the type of game it is. There's a few fun mockup doodles of the Hisuian starters that make me laugh- literally ms paint type drawings of an angry bird, sassy hisuian Typhlosion, and an angry quadruped animal. Maybe they did want Hisuian starters, but concepts weren't made until they had a feel for the setting- which was originally envisioned 150 years ago instead of the proposed 200 fans made. Still, very close.

These betas keep giving, man. I don't even want ZA or Gen 10 leaks, I just wanna see more of this behind the scenes stuff. For concepts it's higher quality than most finalized artwork, and there's clearly a lot of detail that we don't ever get to see. It really puts into perspective how much effort goes into world building and Pokemon design behind the scene, and what's dumbed down for marketing.

[gunsatthaphan]

Maybe it's just me then, but besides patpran I actually find akkaye to be horny too? I'm saying this because every time there was tension between them (I mean when they got all up in each other's face, for example the "you punch me, I kiss you" scenes, the judo scene, the shower scene, etc.) in The Eclipse, it was the sexual kind. (it helped that they're enemies-to-lovers because whenever two people start off antagonistic, the tension between them tends to be sexual as opposed to cute or romantic)

Also, the first time akk and aye interact, akk is literally transfixed by ayan's unzipped pants. Sorry but that scene will always read horny to me, akk was definitely physically/sexually attracted to ayan from the get-go and seeing ayan in that school bathroom like that awakened those feelings in him to the point where he had to slap his own face and go "focus" while doing homework because he kept thinking about ayan barely an episode later 💀 Also, "you're thinking about something dirty. If you weren't, what's the problem with me sleeping in your bed?" (ayan nailed it there, akk was totally having dirty thoughts there, you can't convince me otherwise) And imagining a make-out session in his own bed? Pretty horny to me.

Then we have ayan whose flirting with akk was horny so many times, some of his lines were suggestive af, and "her son tastes good too" (after neo said akk's mom's cooking tastes good) still lives rent-free in my head. 💀

Plus, their sex scenes are just fire (especially the one in our skyy), imo they're both very horny for each other 🥵

djkhgdf I mean the seductive lines were kinda aye's brand in the OG show lol but it was in a jokey kind of way? their whole dynamic was aye being 😏 and akk going 😵‍💫 which was used as the comedic base of the show rather than actual sexual context. also it was never mutual. akk imagined that scenario in episode 6 but I wouldn't describe that as horny djkghf. not that that's a bad thing. but the suggestive content stayed one-sided until that finale scene in OS lol so yeah. patpran win the category imo.

xxx

[icharchivist]

I appreciate your rant about the specifics and nuance of French language and culture and as a person who doesn't speak French, I also think "shut the fuck up" is more appropriate in this context, because that is simply how you're supposed to deal with transphobes :)

aww i'm glad it served a nice insight!

Like, i do think translations are also an interpretative job and everything but. yeah, there's definitely times where the background helps, and in most cases personally i'd say to not hesitate to really translate the swear words as is. French people /also/ consider them vulgar, it's just that vulgarity isn't as big of a deal as in English if that makes sense? So trying to make it less vulgar so it hits correctly feels a like missing the point and would also be a case by case situation if you really want to showcase that "in this context it's not as vulgar so for an english person i should make it less vulgar"

but in this case it's a clear "shut the fuck up". He even specifically says "ohhh, ta gueule", and the "ooh" onomatopoeia here is really used to show your annoyance. It's like almost spitting the way you sigh to show you're genuinely pissed. Like you're charging your insult like a fighting game attack before sending your punch.

Honestly "Ta gueule" is really in this spot where you already don't say it kindly to people, if you do it's meant to be playfully vulgar, like you'd gently punch a friend on the shoulder, but at worst it's still meant to be a punch.

Add this "oooh" and it really shows you really pissed off the person telling you to shut it, and that they're genuinely cutting you out so you don't try to keep your point.

and imo this is what makes this "Ta Gueule" so good because YEAH. this is how you reply to a transphobe. You don't even let them go on with their argument, you genuinely just tell them to shut the fuck up while showing that you're annoyed by their very existence and that they're a waste of breath.

I haven't watched the Groland since i was a kid (i was never a fan so i'd only catch it if my parents were watching it), so when i saw this clip i was genuinely happy that they were using their platform which *would* attract mostly edgy people, and ended up being really serious and sweet on the "and you're happy" part (his voice is extremely gentle there for instance, from what i recall of his way to present the show otherwise), while also making it clear that if you're going to oppose to that happiness you have no place in any type of debate.

The whole point of the skit is "don't debate with bigots" and also, don't be kind to them. they deserve the slap in the face to know that they're wasting everyone's time and are the most annoying person in the room.

France isn't progressive when it comes to trans rights, it's been a uphill battle for the past years (there's also something about how the bigotted debates we get that aren't directly linked to actuality are usually like "American bullshit argument but 5 years later"). A lot of other chanels like Cnews (not to confuse with Canal+) are absolutely vile about it (the equivalent would be Fox News in the US).

So it /is/ nice that this program is actually tackling it like this, and the violence of the "shut the fuck up" is the point. Everything about it is meant to be a slap in the face, it's meant to be kind of humiliating to the person receiving it.

which is what transphobes deserve so, justice to our way to tell people to shut the fuck up!!

[stay-midnight]

hi hi, part 2 yet again 🤧 (i do not have any kind of writing ability but the dirty thoughts have to be expressed so its long again sorry 😭)

. . .

first of all would like to just mention some ceo seungmin vs sugar daddy jeongin real quick since the seungin rivalry was brought up- thoughts on who reader would eventually choose or would they end up poly? cause months of getting fucked by both-sometimes separately, some times at the same time or getting tortured in one way by one- (seungmin making reader wear a vibrator during working hours and jeongin making gifting reader wear accessories with his initials like a choker or something)

Anyways back to divine amusement hehe

in every gangbang/orgy group session, before any of the doms fuck reader and lord bang-they'll always make the order's fuck eachother first to break em down (it doesn't get any less humiliating or shameful no matter how much it happens....) to remind both of their place in the bedroom. (And they'd only spank, slap, choke, pull, or heck maybe even step on whichever is fucking the other order cause they'd like for them to penetrate eachother first imo, unless if its fingering the cum back in the one who already got fucked.)

And god, the thought of jisung commanding reader to say his prayers to lord bang while lord bang is fucking reader?????

i could imagine reader attempting to say it while his mouth his gagged with minho's underwear-jisung then degrades him for it as minho and seungmin continue to make chan fuck the reader harder -before taking the underwear out as jisung shoves it in reader's face, who's slightly getting addicted to the smell and taste of minho's cum soaked underwear- when the reader starts saying the prayers-jisung's ego soars higher than the group's album sales- ahem anyways, hearing the prayers make lord bang feel even more ashamed and whines, then suddenly-minho orders chan to choke the reader while he's doing the prayer, he tries to protest but a harsh spank from minho and an even harsher slap from seungmin makes him think otherwise- and the second chan wraps his hand around the reader and tightens it- the reader's mind goes blank as they try to finish the prayer, chan thrusting harder is definitely not helping as well.

the whole thing makes the 3 doms ego soar. when the reader actually finishes it, jisung makes the reader open their mouth before spitting in it and making them swallow-a sign of ownership- this is the exact moment the reader cums as well as chan. (imagining this exact part is driving me crazy again, also remember that reader is blindfolded during this-heck. 🤧)

And now they make them switch positions, chan gagged and blindfolded, seungmin in front of him, pulling on his nipple clamps while jisung grips tighly on reader's leash as minho spanks reader this time-ordering reader to fuck chan-when reader inserts his dick in-the shame they feel is 😭😭😭

reader tries to give chan a moment to adjust but that was quickly interrupted when minho says to start thrusting as he spanks the reader yet again-jisung smirks as reader starts thrusting-its not as steady or even precise as chan due to readee already having been stimulated-jisung would degrade that reader is like a desperate and mindless animal rutting away- minho harshly shoves his fingers in reader in order to keep chan's cum in as lube. - jisung gets impatient and asks the reader to fuck chan harder as he tugs on the leash, "put your hands on his pecs as well"- tears are streaming down chan's eyes as seungmin laughs at him. the second readers hand unwillingly squeezes around his lord's chest-chan whines even louder, cumming already from the shame of it all. (both order's can't believe how much of a turn on this actually kind of is-)

the reader cums as he falls on top of chan-ensue the three doms fucking both to the point of passing out and then some-(the pictures have been sent at this point and a certain fox eyed god's interest has been piqued....while the other more wholesome god is certainly very surprised...)

after that whole thing with minho-jisung and seungmin will slightly be more possesive with reader and chan respectively, (the order's are definitely not as stubborn as they were, the brattiness is there cuz pride duh but fucking eachother and then getting fucked until they passed out was a very eye opening experience...especially when they got gagged with the minho's cum soaked boxer omg-)

when the next session happens, two new god's make an appearance.....

to be continued when you reply to this! also, i'd like to ask on what kind of god's do you think hyunjin, changbin, felix and jeongin would be if they make an appearance hehe. (i thought of changbin being minho's right hand man, a servant with the highest possible rank, and an expert in spreading the horny agenda. cause he's changbin sooooo- he'd like to be worshipped like a god though so an interest in reader and chan as well hehe-💕)

IF IT IS ALRITE!

Ceo Seungmin vs Sugar Daddy Jeongin is *chefs kiss* as always I feel like reader wouldn't be able to pick between the two so it may end up poly 😭 Poly with Rivalry maybe cuz ofc we all know Ceo Seung and Sugar Daddy Jeongin cant get along at all 🤧 They have sessions alone with reader and ofc also sessions that has both of them competing again

Its a must at this point 😭 Like they would make them fuck each other first not only to solidify their clear dominance over the two but also because to break them down and humiliate them little by little! Oh and cockstepping is a must too 🤧 like i can just imagine them stepping on the cock of the one who is getting fucked maybe they'll even command the reader or chan to eat their cums from each other's holes ?! 😭

Its so hot please, like reader would definitely be crying at this point as he prays, after Jisung's takes out Minho's cum soaked boxers — he would gag chan this time with it and tell him to listen carefully to his servant's prayers with a grin. So while reader is praying as he gets his ass fucked by chan's Seungmin maybe got a bit too impatient and decided to join in by slowly fingering Chan's leaking hole so eager to fuck his toy at this point and while Chan is choking reader, reader would roll his eyes at back of his head as he comes untouched — Seungmin would command him to clean reader's cum as a thanks for his prayer to his oh so lovely lord.

Oh yeah— defo Seungmin would do that to with Chan maybe even smear his spit on chans teeth with his fingers ?! 😭 Minho would be standing there in the side– while it isnt his place to get jealous he would definitely want to join in.

While reader is already humiliated enough while fucking his own god (cuz its taboo in their city) they would make reader choke Chan as well (nothing a few spanks and slaps cant handle) then while Chan is on the verging of cumming they would make the reader stop moving as reader listens to his god's helpless whines and then while squeezing Chan's pecs for like the 2nd term edging the god, they finally allowed Chan to cum and its so much that it hits reader's face 😭. Also while Minho's taking pictures of their cum stained used bodies he'd also take video recordings of Chan and Reader getting spitroasted by Seung and Ji 👌 and yes Minho's cum soaked boxers will always be one of the best kinks to ever exist 😭

oh for the gods as the other member here made from my imagination:

Jeongin is the god of discord, chaos and war! His city is known to have the highest crime rate out of all of them and in that city survival of the fittest is the motto

THE Changbin idea is so good too and I actually hard to think for Binnie 😭 the first thing that came to my mind is the God of Ambitions and Freedom— maybe his city would be center to all other gods as they come to his city to achieve a higher goal or like leave their own city of worship behind, while he is powered by worship he doesnt crave it!

For good ol' Hyunjin, he'd be the god of purity, beauty and nature, his city would be in a forest like area with a huge tree at the center (think of like a fae type place!)

And last but not the least, Felix would be the god of arts, crafts and creativity! Since Felix gives off soft boy vibes and his love for baking (baking is an art) His city would be the biggest out of all of em cuz like its split into two parts: Technology and Design — it is like the major industry city 🤧.

[mumblesplash]

wait what's your dick characterization then? in a pervious ask you mentioned you had a pretty concrete perception of dick... do you mind sharing?

oh not at all, although it’s kinda hard for me to figure out how to put stuff like this into words so apologies in advance if this gets a little all over the place

this might be a bit of a weird place to start but given that i’m an artist i have an easier time thinking in terms of visuals, so first off: when i think ‘dick grayson’ i’m almost always referring to nightwing, but i consider ‘used to be robin’ such an integral part of his character that it informs a significant chunk of his design. like i usually draw his hair neatly cropped and parted symmetrically down the middle, reminiscent of but not exactly the same as this kind of hairstyle:

which is kinda funny considering when i do draw him as robin i just have his hair sticking up all over the place, but in my defense i think he’s too young to care about his hair here

it’s not all about surface level looks though, i see even modern nightwing dick as evoking the general vibe of golden age comics, if more in idealism than aesthetics. he’s got kind of a boy scout thing going on, and it feeds into his approach to vigilantism more than anything else. that’s part of why, if you’re prone to noticing these sorts of things, i always draw him as having better posture and more dramatic body language in costume than in civvies

might be as good a time as any to bring up that i think dick is a standout case among all the bats concerning his secret identity — i think nightwing and dick grayson are distinct aspects of his personality, but they are both equally Him. to contrast—there’s an argument to be had as to whether or not batman is the ‘real’ bruce, at the very least his two identities seem starkly separated from each other, i don’t see cass as being meaningfully distinct from black bat/orphan(?) at all, to jason red hood is a symbol and a statement and a threat, to damian robin is a legacy, etc. dick grayson and nightwing are just different genuine pieces of the same person.

as for more specific personality stuff, despite the Classic Superhero streak i think dick is ultimately more devoted to people than any kind of moral code. so like for instance the fact that he follows the no-kill rule has much more to do with loyalty to bruce than his own ideals. i don’t think he *wants* to kill in general (more than anything else i see dick grayson as just a deeply, profoundly Good person. not to say he’s perfect or can’t make mistakes, but in my more melodramatic moments i’d just outright say his real superpower is having the strongest moral compass in the entire dc universe) but his strict adherence to that rule isn’t due to personal conviction or some kind of necessary self-control

on an interpersonal level (and i’m keeping this within the batfam bc 1) limited knowledge and 2) this is already getting long) i’ve mentioned before i think he’s got a serious case of eldest daughter syndrome, but unlike most such cases he’s actually pretty well equipped for dealing with it. to an extent. he takes on responsibility almost automatically, and has an impressive capacity for managing people and anticipating what they need (emotionally or otherwise). combined with his experience leading a team, his training, and being a naturally gifted strategist, he has a hard time justifying looking the other way when his family needs him. unfortunately he’s also one of those people who keeps operating at peak performance right up until the second he falls apart entirely, and he’s much more cognizant of his physical limits than his emotional ones.

(relatedly but kind of a side note, i have a whole Thing about his relationship with damian i’m very in my feelings about it don’t look at me)

imo the fanon idea of him as The Fun One or the emotional one is wildly oversimplified and downplays his competence, but there’s a little bit of truth to it, in that a lot about dick grayson flies directly in the face of the darkness he’s surrounded by. tbh if i had my way he would always be written specifically as a slap in the face to anyone who sees kindness as naive, but i understand that my desire to weaponize fiction in response to things i find mildly irritating is “unsustainable” and “you can’t just do literally everything out of spite” or whatever

but also lowkey i think my joke character summary for him from way back in like january when i knew almost nothing abt dc and was p much just poking fun at the fandom still kinda hits

[imo-chan-imagines]

hello, imo-chan! can we all have some cockwarming fkbu headcanons? i really love your work ♡

Cockwarming / FKBU headcanons

Characters: fem!reader, Kambe Daisuke, Katou Haru

Tags/warnings: Fugou Keiji Balance: Unlimited (anime),18+, smut, lil' bit of fluff cause I'm so freaking soft for these two 🥺, cockwarming, smidge of daddy kink for Daisuke, hint of a breeding kink for Haru, headcanons, request

A/N: Yes, Anon, you absolutely can!! Thanks so much for requesting these 😇 And that's so sweet of you! I'm glad you like my stuff! I hope this makes a good Valentine's Day present ♡

⚠️ 18+ CONTENT! MINORS: PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT ⚠️

♤ Kambe Daisuke ♤

Daisuke, everyone's fav kinky boy, likes you cockwarming him as a kind of game/initiation for sex. It's a bit of fun for him

He likes to test your limits, tease you, make you behave, etc. hello daddy kink 👀

He'll have you on his cock on the sofa, facing out and watching something on Netflix or whatever, and you won't be allowed to move your hips at all, or you'll get swift slap nothing too hard, but he does like to play rough

He knows it's demanding and that it drives you crazy not being able to move with him inside you but that's the point, babygirl 😇

Be a bad girl and he'll scold you every now and then with a deep thrust or two, just to leave your body aching for it even more than before

But be a good girl for him, and he'll slowly start to draw circles around your clit with his fingers

And if you moan all nice and prettily for him, and take it just like he asked you to, he'll let you cum around his cock ❤

But start to buck your hips and he'll immediately stop, give you another hard smack, and go back to the waiting game and he will continue to edge you like this until you can behave

If you were good, after all this, he'll reward you with some 'proper' sex

He will be so fucking hard and aching for it, he will literally rail you into the sofa/mattress/desk/ground etc. 🥵

A round or two of some hard, fast stuff, or maybe some slow, deep rounds if that's what you want

Speaking of what you want: be good during his little game, and he will give you THE WORLD afterwards. Literally whatever you want, sexually or otherwise

And he will praise the shit out of you too 🥺

"You were so good babygirl, not getting carried away like that, just because daddy asked"

"So pretty and obedient. You've made daddy very happy. Now let daddy make you feel good"

Etc. Stuff like that. You're his little angel 🥺🤧

But if you were really naughty, then he didn't even let you cum, and you're definitely not getting any good dick after, sorry boo 😔

Okay, so one of his favourite times to play this game is when he's at his desk doing work and you're being needy 🤭 if it's at his desk, he'll have you facing him rather than outwards

Not that there aren't times he's more than willing to let his needy, little baby sit on his thigh/cock and get herself off on him while he works. That's just not true. He enjoys that too 🤗

But he likes doing at his desk because, when he rails you after, he can fuck you into the desk, which is one of his favourite things to do 🤪

Daisuke definitely enjoys the addition of cockwarming to the *cough* dynamic that you two have going. It adds a little spice and variety

But it's not just that. I don't know if you'd say he actually has a cockwarming kink because he doesn't fixate on it, but he does like the connection, and the feeling of you being around him for extended periods of time

It's also very comforting and stress-relieving

It's because of this that it's not the only time he'll do it

Sometimes, he'll stay inside you for a little while after having sex, hold you close and breathe in your scent it's very relaxing 🥺🤧

But that's only every now and then

Y'all, I'm tearing up, like 🥲😭

Would he secretly do it in front of other people? (like under a blanket or something)

Probably 🤤 as long as you were okay with it. Consent, y'all 🙌

Okay, but like, imagine: him whispering dirty little things in your ear, deep and rasping, his breath ghosting over your neck as his hands grip your hips and ever so slightly gyrate our hips around his cock. And all the while you're trying not to make a noise in front of everyone. I- 😳

And now I'm being taken away to horny jail. I shall take my leave💀

♡ Katou Haru ♡

For Haru, cockwarming is much more of a personal, romantic thing than a kinky thing, if you get me

Staying inside you while you curl up together after sex is basically his favourite thing to do 🥺

He loves the feeling of being so close to you – literally inside you – but this time in a non-sexual way

Physical and emotional connection is so important to him 🥺🥰

Catch him wrapping his hands around you, burying his head in your neck, playing with your hair, and peppering your back, neck and shoulders with kisses and love bites

Not that cockwarming is completely non-sexual for him. He definitely gets sexual gratification from staying inside you especially if he came inside you 🤫😏

It just sort of completes the experience 😚

If you wanted to try a game-type punishment/reward scenario with him, he wouldn't be outright opposed to it, but he might be a bit bashful and need some convincing

He'll probably be the one struggling not to move, though. Just saying 🤭

I can definitely see Haru as the kind to like casual cockwarming, without much of a sexual thing going on, once he gets introduced to it

Just, like, having you sitting on his cock while he finishes up some paperwork, or sitting watching TV, maybe even doing it discreetly while being on a video call with someone oop 🙊🙈

He might be a bit embarrassed about it at first, but the more you do it, the less it bothers him

It's like a cute bonding experience???

Like, fuck yes 😩 just spending quality time with him inside you like that

Not that it never turns sexual. You might have been sitting with him inside your for close to an hour while he's busy, but the desire has just been building in him non stop, and before you know it, he's bucking up into you, his hands pulling at your clothes and his work forgotten, because he neEDS TO FUCK YOU, LIKE RIGHT NOW

Needy Haru is my weakness 😩 Like, YES. Satisfy yourself in my pussy 🥺 Cum inside me in me as much as you want, Detective 🤤

*cough* enough about me...

I guess you could say Haru has more of a cockwarming kink than Daisuke does, but it's...less 'kinky' in a sexual way??

Does this even make any sense anymore??? Does anyone get what I mean?? Because it makes sense to me 😭

The times it does get more sexual is normally just after he's first inside you during sex

Sometimes he'll pause after easing all the way in and just ask for you to both stop for while, so he can feel you around him, the anticipation and sensations eating away at him

The first time he tried that, he literally came from nothing else, he found it so arousing 🤫

When he does that, you can lowkey maybe hiGHKEY feel him getting bigger and harder inside you LIKE–

He probably didn't even realise he was into this kind of thing

It was just that, one time he forgot to actually pull out before falling asleep. And then he woke up the next morning, you in his arms, looking like an angel sent from heaven basking in the light streaming through the windows, feeling the most rested he's ever felt, his heart swelling in his chest, and tears of bliss pricking at his eyes, and he just–

He was in love if he somehow wasn't before

I'm LITERALLY bawling over here 😭😭 Why do I do this to myself? 🤡

Haru is pretty shy about all this, though. He would literally NEVER tell anyone else about it because he just knows they won't understand he's taking it to the GRAVE 💀😂

Earlier on when you first started getting into it, he used to get all flushed and embarrassed about having the verbalise asking if you wanted to sit on his cock, or if he could stay inside you after sex so freaking cute 🥺

He really went >//<

Which is why, as you two got more used to the concept and each other's wants and needs, and less talking was needed, he settled into it way more

But he really just loves spending this quality time with you, whether or not it ends up in sex

Catch me casually sitting on my man Haru's dick while we read the newspaper together or something 🥺

Can you tell I'm alone this Valentine's Day? 🤡

Okay, that's it from me. Peace out, my bambinos✌😋

© imo-chan-imagines 2021

[28whitepeonies]

Hi bea

Hope you're doing well. Do you have a ranking of all tracks for fitf yet? I am curious to know, if you are comfortable sharing of course. :)

Hello anon

Indeed I do, and if you don't mind I'll commentate my ranking choices because I haven't ever been succinct!

Silver tongues - I think this is potentially my favourite song he's made ever. I think that live experience really comes through on the very best songs

Written all over your face - a very, very close second. I live for the kind of snarky lyrics and early Arctic Monkeys vibe

That's the way love goes - I think this was done a bit dirty by the songs preceding it, I bought the 2 vinyl deluxe and I can only assume it was a deliberate choice to have D side with four quite slow, ballad-y songs but I think it didn't do this justice. Anyway, I love it, it is very reminiscent of the streets to me and I spent a while listening to nothing but a grand don't come for free as a teenager.

Chicago - won't hear any slander, it's a banger to belt out in the car, in the lift, in the shower, literally anywhere

Lucky again - Okay was interested in the changes between the leaked version and this, this version defo fits the album a lot better and the lyrics give me all the feels

Out of my system - wasn't my fave as a single but hearing it on the album I enjoy it more. It's short and punchy and I think the drumbeat will slap live!

The greatest - Great opener, not my fave but think it will be banging for live shows and does a pretty good job at setting the tone of the album.

She is beauty we are world class - the chorus reminds me a lot of The Killers - 'are we one or are we two/are we me or are we you'/'are we human or are we dancer'. It got a lot more interesting after the toilet story because I enjoy how very silly and British that feels, so it has moved up about 5 places as a result.

Holding on to heartache - I think if it was a tiny bit faster or louder I'd bump it up a few spots. Lyrically it's pretty great, the whole 'you say I wear it like a crown' it's just a bit slow and in my humble opinion had it been placed elsewhere on the tracklist I might have been more generous.

All this time - When it comes on I enjoy it, but I am liable to forget it exists otherwise so it gets a mid spot

Face the music - I want to love it for the line 'I don't wanna face the music but I still wanna dance with you' but it feels a wee bit cliche for me personally

Common people - How do you name a song after the banger that is that brit-pop classic and then release what is a lyrically great song but imo just way too slow? I think it could have punched you in the guts but it's more of a wet slap.

Saturdays - Every time I see the title I think of Sam Fender's song Saturday, and they share some similar themes - 'if Saturday don't come soon I'm gonna lose my mind/we used to say Saturdays take the pain away' and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that was part of the influence, it's just that I like Sam's song more.

Headline - We obv got the lyrics way ahead of the songs release and I expected this to go hard and be like noisy, which is obviously a me problem, but it didn't live up to expectations for me. It's fine, I love the way he sounds when he sings the second verse it's just not one I'll play on repeat

Angels fly - I think it's fine, I just don't connect to it a lot

Bigger than me - sorry but I think it's really boring, it's the only song I sometimes skip and in response pls enjoy my favourite scene from Gavin & Stacey

Two things to add overall

First is that I am of course a hater and more likely to comment on stuff I don't like than the opposite so I wanna be really really clear that I do actually really really like this album. There are a couple of things I think will change by LT3 and I am very very excited for tour and for what comes next.

Second, I am really excited to hear the live arrangements and wonder if he'll make any changes - one of my fave songs is Regretamine by Louis Dunford and on it's initial release it was a proper slow one but he really amped it up for live shows and it slaps so much more. Louis can perform his songs however he wishes to, but I am looking forward to hearing his set live because I think it is clear he has really crafted them with that in mind x

[slugtranslation-hypmic]

Your thoughts on the anime made me smile like an idiot bc i can relate to it sm ToT

I watched the first episode with subtitles (and a friend - it’s always more fun with a buddy) so I am back with MORE thoughts: Subtitle Edition. Idk if they will be interesting to anyone, but here’s a sampling from the notes I took.

The Hypnosis Mics are not treated as proper nouns. They’re also called solely “mics”, never microphones. I thought this was a really unusual choice (and fwiw, although you can’t usually tell because of the fonts we use, the Hypmics are proper nouns in the manga).

It turns out an “act” and a “law” are not perfect synonyms of each other, so “H Law” (Funimation) is technically more correct than “H Act” (me). Oops.

Not sure how I feel about “Brother Ichi”. It certainly works for “Ichinii” and is pretty cute, but I do really dislike having siblings call one another “Brother” or “Sister”. While this is not always the case (especially in Asian-American households), it’s atypical for Americans to call their siblings that. I know there’s no exact reason Japan has to stick exactly to American English (and I’d REALLY like to talk sometime about some thoughts I’ve had in regards to removing my natural regiolect (regional dialect) from translation and/or creating a “new regiolect” purely for J -> E translation), but it does stick out like a sore thumb in otherwise American English.

Speaking of Brother Ichi, “Brother Ichi’d never lose” made me make this exact face:

I was surprised by how much characters in the MTC sequence used the word “fuck”. I’ve been learning (slowly - I have a natural potty mouth) that excessive swearing can very easily lead to your translation sounding quite childish, even if it would fly quite naturally in real life. This certainly didn’t sound childish, but I kept going, ��Oh my god. Can they get away with that?” Loved the “fucking maggots” from Samatoki.

Juuto has a catchphrase in Japanese (やれやれ) that I’ve been using as either “Good grief” or “Good lord”. He didn’t say it in Japanese as far as I heard, but I did see the translation use “Oh my” for him at one point. I wonder if they’ll continue to use that going forward.

I take character voice very seriously for Hypmic, which means I will occasionally make some fairly arbitrary decisions in order to have each character sound unique and not simply various different shades of “me” speaking. (For instance, Sasara uses “man” rather excessively in English mostly because I started writing him that way due to a casual tone of voice and then it stuck. There’s nothing really in Japanese that suggests he should use that more frequently, but it’s there because it served me a purpose in English.) It’s veeeeery interesting for me to see someone else approach these characters and create their own voices for them, especially because the voices we’re writing match up a lot. Ramuda’s use of “pretty please” made me think of this, but other characters kind of surprised me too. Their Jakurai sounds a lot like mine (albeit a bit more forceful, which is a bit closer to the original imo) too, so much that I was kind of surprised when he said something I normally think of as a Gentarou line. I had to remind myself, “Duh, it’s not me writing this.” Still, it’s fascinating to me to watch someone else start out on their own and end up with relatively similar conclusions.

That being said. The elephant in the room. Gentarou. I’m kind of on the fence on whether or not I liked those choices. Gentarou speaks in Japanese with occasionally archaic language and (almost always) formal language. The archaic language he uses is called bungo, aka literary Japanese, which hasn’t been widely spoken or used since the early 20th century. Gentarou uses it because he’s - ding ding, you guessed it! - an author. Now, I know that I’m just biased... because I translate for another series which is written in a much more obnoxious hybridization of bungo and modern Japanese... but I don’t think Gentarou is that heavy of a bungo user to really necessitate the entire “thee” and “thou” thing. I also don’t particularly enjoy using these excessive archaisms for bungo because 19th - 20th century English literature doesn’t sound like this. It sounds more like extremely formal and verbose modern English, so I prefer to use that and throw in some outdated words from time and time again for similar effect. Of course, one could argue that 19th/20th century Japanese literature isn’t necessarily an exact approximation of 19th/20th century English literature, but bah, humbug. I don’t think anyone but me gives a damn about this anyway. Overall, I liked his speech style quite a bit besides that.

Also really enjoyed the use of “wee bit leery of lending more”. The “wee” almost suggests a British accent, and I will be the biggest advocate of British English Gentarou until the day I die. The choice of dialect can make or break a translation (would love to talk about this sometime too), and using British English for him among an otherwise American English-speaking cast would be STELLAR and BRILLIANT.

I was not at all fond of the use of “D’oh!” as one of the little “Gh!” or “Urp!” noises. Sound effects don’t tend to make, but they can absolutely break a translation. (Also know that I criminally awful at sound effects, so this is the pot calling the kettle black.) “D’oh!” brings to mind Homer Simpson, which is okay for Dice, but not... not good at all for Hifumi. Funimation subber, if you are reading this... I’m sorry... I don’t... I don’t like it...

slaps the table with both hands GOD, “COFFEE AND CHILL” IN THE FLING POSSE RAP IS SUCH A BRILLIANT LINE. (Original was “珈琲タイム” iirc - lit. coffee time) (Also while I’m here, I love the fact that “coffee” is written in Gentarou’s bungo whereas “time” is written in the style of Ramuda’s English loan words. Even the way the lyrics appear onscreen is a mixture of FP’s various styles.) This is such a quick and easy way to provide background about Ramuda’s flirtatious nature and put in a bit of harmless innuendo that often appears in Ramuda songs. This also handily explains the entire “Want to go grab a bite to eat?/How about we get a cup of tea?” thing that appears often in Japanese but is less natural in English. Who thought of this? You’re a genius. You deserve a medal.

I have Jakurai use phrases containing the word “I” a lot (in phrases like “I suppose that x”, “I’m afraid that y”, etc) as a way of softening his speech and making it sound like he’s more ... personally responsible for the words coming out of his mouth, I guess. The translator used quite a bit of those similar phrases, as I mentioned previously, which surprised me a good bit. They also used the phrase “I assure you” which is AN AMAZING line for Jakurai. It gives him a much firmer tone than I normally write him with but also suggests by way of similar sounds “reassuring” the listener and overall making him sound more confident and capable. This is so good. I’m going to steal it.

Overall, I thought it was a really solid translation with a lot of thought clearly put into it. I’m excited to see more work from this subber. Mr. Josh Cole, you are killing it. Huge shoutout as well to Kotonoha Consulting and Sarah Alys Lindholm for their work with the lyrics. Incredibly strong effort. Loved it.

On the other hand, it was a bit affirming to me to see that the quality wasn’t vastly different from some of my latest efforts. There were none of the awkward lines which are still prone to crop up in my work, and it was a good bit more creative than what I can normally produce. Additionally, Hypmic is, relatively speaking, fairly easy to translate if you ignore the god damn raps. All that being said... of course I won’t have the same experience as someone who has quite literally been working in Japanese teaching or translation for as long as I’ve been alive, but it’s enough to make me think that I can, conceivably, start selling my work for money in a couple more years. Whoo. Have to celebrate the little victories.

I’m so sorry to anyone who started reading this in the hopes that it would get interesting. It didn’t.

[clarz-cc-archive]

answered April 29, 2020

Q: You know how Jin said he made the conscious decision to be less “respectable” so that Namjoon wouldn’t feel as pressured as the leader and so the others could be closer to him? Just has this thought that maybe Yoongi did something similar? How he allows the other members to manhandle him around and slap his bubble butt and basically play around with him and he doesn’t even bat an eye? I’m not that well versed in sk culture or that into other groups so I don’t have much comparison to go on, but I feel like for some “elders” that might not fly, but Yoongs is just like: “I’m happy that you’re happy :]” and that’s just???? So sweet to me? What are your thoughts on this? :D (in response to)

A: i think that when they were all much younger yoongi used to take on some of the Eldest Hyung stuff that jin might otherwise have been expected to do, just bc they used to all say if one of the maknaes was misbehaving in the dorm or something yoongi was sort of the designated one to scold them because he was the only one who could remain stern about it. but i also think that yoongi was in sort of a different position than jin was coming in and so it might have felt more comfortable for everyone for him to take on some of that stuff, since even though namjoon was the leader he and yoongi were the two members who'd been together the longest. this is totally me guessing but i think yoongi probably had fewer fears about stepping on namjoon's toes as the leader with the age hierarchy than jin might have, since they'd already spent so long living together and learning to communicate with each other before that! i've also always had the impression that yoongi might be less bothered with the other members of rapline over the age stuff off camera since i've seen people say that both namjoon and hobi will occasionally slip up on camera and use ban mal (informal speech) with yoongi; like i do think he still acts very hyung-like toward them, and hobi especially still treats him a lot like a hyung (hobi's attitudes toward members changes SO much based on where they are in the age hierarchy imo it's very fascinating), but i think that rapline already had a more stable and negotiated relationship put in place by the time the other members joined since they'd all been together for so long and also had this equal footing with each other as musical collaborators. i do think yoongi lets the other members play with him and stuff, but i don't think i see him performing the same kind of purposeful abdication of his own authority that i see jin doing. in my view, the younger members seem to know very well what they can and can't get away with with yoongi and there are definitely moments where one of them will realize that they've crossed a line and kind of back off quickly (like that one bomb where they're shoving a camera in yoongi's face while he's sleeping on the floor and he wakes up and curses at them lol!) i think they like to poke at his boundaries and see what will or won't get a reaction out of them, and he lets them when he's in the mood for it, but i also get the impression that everyone understands when yoongi needs his space and that the other members are willing to give it to him.

asks in response to this one: #1

[woogurl]

It's so annoying going to woosan ship videos and seeing people constantly say, "I love their friendship" or "Don't ship them it could make them uncomfortable." But if you go to a taekook video the comments are like. "They're definitely real, you can't deny it." Even though woosan has so much more proof and evidence yet people in that comment section get mad because you ship woosan romantically. I swear this only happens with woosan.

here we go again with a rant/mini analysis of mines:

i think the problem here as that woosan constantly says that they’re friends. amicus ad aras means a friend till the end. so the fans feel that that is confirmation that their relationship is one between friends only. therefore they think it’s rude to think otherwise because they see that as woosan confirming that their ‘just friends’. but imo body language speaks volumes that’s pretty much why i made this blog. and to me it’s pretty obvious that they’ve been intimate and there’s a high possibility they still are. there’s plenty of popular couples who hide behind friendships because they don’t want people in their business. i’m not sure why people are expecting them to say or hint that they’re anything besides friends. lol. that would never and will never happen with boyxboy pairings in kpop. that would literally ruin their careers. so, i don’t really care for those who constantly feel the need to express that woosan are ‘just friends’ just because they said they were. like do you expect them to tell you they’re in a relationship? even if idols were in a relationship with girls they’re not gonna tell u.

there’s also been subtle moments i’ve been thinking about when woo or san mentions that they’re just friends. for example. 

we could talk about this moment where a fan was introducing their dog as their best friend and woo suddenly showed san and san was clearly annoyed. people thought san was mad at woo for some odd reason, but this is a very cause and effect type of thing imo. meaning something happened or something was said and that reaction from san was created. so in that EXACT moment he was reacting to what woo said. i just don’t see why san would react this way for no reason. i’ve said this before but san, he’s very transparent.

(wooyoung whispered that he wasn’t san’s friend and this was the members reactions in case u’re confused.)

of course i see this as woo teasing san again, i feel that there’s more to this but the reason i think san gets visibly annoyed and slaps woo’s butt is because woo is teasing him in front of the camera. kind of like, ‘pfft, this guy is not my friend’. but the moment before the one above, he sounded more serious so take that as u will.

these are just specific recent moments where i see them bring up the term ‘friend’ and it turns to a very minor point of contention. ‘cause i do feel like they discuss how much they want to share in front of the camera. and agree and disagree on certain things. 

the reason i wrote all of this is to console those who feel discouraged from some shippers only seeing their relationsip dynamics as just friends which is completely fine. but i also think it’s fine to see their relationship as more than just friends especially when u see a significant amount of moments that point towards them being more than just friends. people tend to see and take things at face value, what they see and get is simply what they believe. if woosan says their friends then they’re friends. they don’t see any reason to see or analyze it any deeper and that’s completely fine but as someone like me who likes to analyze body language etc, i tend to pick out subtle moments and gestures that reveal to me what their relationship might be like off camera. 

analyzing body language is NOT a delulu thing. lmfao. but to analyze to a degree where things just come from your imagination and not the evidence in front of u can def become a problem. 

i actually think it’s a good thing for people not to suspect them being in an actual relationship. the less attention drawn to them actually being in one the better.

in the end neither of us can 100% say that they’re dating or not. lol.

[brickercupmasterx3]

“Confessions in the Darkened Room”-

AN: I’m NOT exactly too proud of this fic and I’m still going back and forth on it, but I shared it with a friend (you know who you are) and she said it was fine... So I’ve decided to post it anyway? (I’m going to log off for the rest of the day so I don’t feel tempted to delete this minutes after I posted it. However when tomorrow comes, don’t be surprised if I do delete this post.)

And no, this was NOT the second fic I had in mind that I mentioned on my Lukanette blog.

These deal with my own headcanons dealing with Feloe (Felix x Chloe pairing). This ship has little to no content, and I’ve been kinda into it lately. So yeah... Here’s my (terrible, imo) contribution. (If I do end up drawing them eventually, that’s why. They’re a fun pair and I have a few story lines prepared for them. I’m NOT planning to write them out though.)

(I would also like to apologize in advance if anything seems out of place or rushed? I tried my best to make things organic, but anymore and I probably would have screwed this up further.)

Anyways, I’m done talking. So here. Enjoy?

______________________________

First thing Chloe knew, she was arguing with the most insufferable guy she’s ever known and the next, the two were shoved inside a closet. She had no doubt about who pushed them, considering there was only one other person in the room, aside from herself, that knew about her feelings for the boy. 

It had been around half an hour since the two blondes were locked inside the closet, neither having said a word since then. Chloe knew she’d have to say something sooner or later, but when? There was never a right time to admit to someone who had brought you down and made you feel inferior all your life that you’ve grown feelings for them, could there? 

Felix sighed, clearly annoyed at the situation they were forced into. While it wasn’t in the most pleasing of circumstances, at least this provided him the space to get some closure with the girl. She may have those infuriating moments when all she can talk about is Adrien, but lately, throughout their whole “fake dating” scene… He’d found himself falling for her more than he thought possible. 

He enjoyed the closeness and getting to know her more, in and out of character. He’d memorized her facial expressions, the sound of her laughter, her touches… Basically everything… Not that he’d admit it aloud to the blonde girl at all. Otherwise, he wouldn’t hear the end of it. 

“So… What’d you want to talk about?” Chloe asked, trying to speed things along so that she wouldn’t have to be trapped with him any longer than necessary. “I don’t know about you, but I’d rather get out of here as soon as possible. Don’t exactly find it thrilling to spend too much time with you.” 

He rolled his eyes at her usual antics. “Not like spending time with you is any picnic either.”

“If I’m that revolting to you, then why ask me to play the role of your fake girlfriend?” She asked, awaiting for whatever response he’d be willing to give her. His responses were always the same, and she knew she shouldn’t have hoped for anything different, but she could dream. 

“I needed a favor, Chloe. You fit the bill and that was it.” He responded, keeping it short.

"That's all you ever say." She said, crossing her arms. "Sometimes, it just feels like you're this emotionless robot with the same practiced lines. Is there really nothing else on your mind?" 

"Why does it even matter to you? The only person you ever cared about was Adrien!" He shouted, just about done with her. 

"I can't believe you…" Chloe started, anger evident in her eyes. "That's honestly what you think? Even tracking back to our childhood where I tried so hard to be your friend? Need I remind you that you rejected me?"  

"Did you really expect me to take your friendship?" He looked over to her, returning her glare. "And watch you become another one of those annoying fangirls of Adrien's?"

"Did you really think so lowly of me then that you couldn't find a single ounce of genuineness in my eyes then?" She looked away from him, trying so hard to conceal all those horrible childhood memories. "Of course you did. After all, I played my part perfectly well… The bratty, spoiled rich kid who wanted nothing but to be part of the Agreste family. No matter the cost…" 

“Are you seriously trying to get me to buy into that?” Felix looked at her as if she was crazy. “Would you stop trying to make up excuses to justify your petty behavior from back then? And just take responsibility for what you really are.”

“Responsibility? For what exactly?" Chloe shouted, more than fed up with his attitude. "Do you really think that this is what I wanted for myself? You don't know me! You never tried to get to know me, even with the several chances offered to you!" 

"Why exactly would I want to? You've shown your true colors and by the way you're acting right now, you're not making yourself look any better." He said matter of factly. 

"Ugh!" She groaned. "Fine! Think whatever you want about me! I'm done trying with you… Done with this stupid arrangement of ours altogether!" 

“We had a deal… You can’t just back out of it now.” “Why not? You’re insufferable, Felix! You constantly treat me like trash, bring me down all the time with your pathetic insults and just expect me to sit there and take it like I’m inferior to you!” The blonde girl knew she couldn’t normally act out like this in public, but considering Sabrina locked them inside to talk feelings, that’s precisely what she was going for. “Well… You’re not any better than I am. These petty feelings you say I have, well, you have the same ones towards Adrien. Neither of us get why, because you refuse to tell us anything.”

“That’s hardly any of your business.” came his simple reply. “I didn’t ask you to help me out with this in order for us to get to know one another better. I could care less about your opinion on any matter. I simply just needed someone around to get that annoying Bridgette out of my life. You just fit the part.” “So… You’re just using me?” Chloe laughed, of course it was moreso a fake one, not that he’d know the difference. She needed to save her pride, not give him the satisfaction that he’d gotten to her yet again. It was just as she’d feared, wasn’t it? He never cared about her, no matter what she did. “Of course, you are… It never mattered how well I played the doting girlfriend part… Nothing can ever satisfy you.” 

He just stared blankly at her, rolling his eyes at her usual dramatics. “Are you done yet?”

“As done as I am with you…” She responded, rolling her eyes at him. 

How she fell for him over his nicer, denser cousin, Adrien, she wouldn’t understand. In ways, Adrien was everything she should have desired. He had the status, the cash, the looks… Those were the things she was supposed to chase after for the sake of her mother’s approval. Chloe was a Bourgeois. And Bourgeois’ don’t settle for anything less than the best. 

But that wasn’t what she wanted for herself… Adrien just wasn’t it for her.

While he was kinder, sweeter, most endearing and at times a bit more understanding than his jerk of a cousin… Adrien couldn’t understand most social cues, which was indeed beyond frustrating. Nor could he tell the difference between liking someone as a “friend” or more. The boy had been sheltered from the real world for the majority of his life, she knew that and she couldn’t fault him for those things… And she didn’t… but she knew he’d never be more to her than just that childhood friend she adores… 

And it hurts, because loving him would’ve been easier… Adrien wouldn’t reject her out of malice, unlike Felix. He’d do his best to let her down easy, if he came to figure out her feelings, because first and foremost, the two were friends. And the Agreste boy obviously treasured the Bourgeois girl as family, just as she did him.

Chloe then resigned to sit down at the farthest corner from Felix, quietly mumbling something under her breath as she finally registered her thoughts. 

 “If you have something to say, come out with it.” The boy said. He was a no-nonsense kind of guy and mumbling just wasn’t his style. 

“Why would you care so suddenly? I’m of no interest to you.” She said softly, hiding her face between her legs… If she’d said anymore, her feelings would probably be out in the open and he’d know. 

Felix had been witness to many of Chloe’s outbursts… but this? This wasn’t one of them. 

She was never this quiet or reserved around him. She always had something to say and that's how he liked it. Chloe may be loud, annoying, spoiled and all-around self centered from what he'd seen, but he wouldn't have it any other way… So why the sudden change in attitude? 

He tried to reach out to the other blonde, but his attempt was met by a slap. She clearly was in no mood to entertain him, much too lost in her thoughts to do much else. It didn't help matters that she was shaking either. 

Had he really upset her that much? 

"Chlo, come on. Just come out with it." He insisted. 

She didn't budge, just kept her head down and ignored his words. If he wasn't going to listen to her at all, then she wouldn't either. It was a two-way street after all. 

_______________________

Within the next fifteen minutes or so, her breathing had finally evened out again. Chloe couldn’t even bother herself to give him the time of day at all anymore. She’d finally raised her head and stood up silently, making her way back to the door. 

“Sabrina... Whatever it is you thought was going to be resolved here isn’t going to happen… So just open the door, will you?” She spoke, still pretty soft, but a little louder than the response she'd given Felix just minutes ago. Chloe couldn't be bothered to yell out as angrily as she’d had done when she and Felix were both thrown inside. 

Unluckily for her, there was no response from her redheaded friend on the other side of the door. Though she supposed it was to be expected, not that she could blame her. 

The blonde girl then sighed again. Not only was she stuck with the guy she liked, but she wasn't even close to being in control of her own emotions either. So she decided to keep the silent treatment intact, and have her back turned to him for as long as she could. 

"You're seriously going to keep this act up?" Was the blonde boy's interjection in this silence. "You can't stay silent forever." 

Why he was still even trying to get to her is something she wouldn't understand, but knowing him, he probably wouldn't stop until she gave in. 

"Fine… What do you want from me?" Chloe asked, obviously annoyed by him. "To tell me how much it is you hate me? Because if you haven't figured it out by now, I know that already." 

"I just want to know what's wrong with you. You normally have more bite to your words." He said, because she did. She wouldn't let him get away with what he normally said. 

"What's wrong with me?" She finally turned and glared over at him. "What's wrong with me is you… You, Felix. You'll always be the problem!" 

"What?" He raised a brow, confused. 

"Seriously? You don't even see it? You ask me for a favor and you're in no way, shape or form, grateful for any of it! I play this role I hate perfectly, but you're NOT man enough to admit it!" She yelled out beyond frustrated with him. 

She hated that she gave in to her emotions so easily, but how else was she going to get those feelings out in the open? She hated him for making her feel the way she did and she wasn't going to let him off easy until she was done.

"Do you think any of this is easy for me? Do you even try to act like a boyfriend, fake or otherwise, would to someone he's dating? No! Because it seems you're incapable of showing any emotion to me other than one of hatred or indifference, all depending on your mood!" She continued. "If you hate me this much, just end it! This isn't going well for either of us and… and I'm tired of it… I'm tired of growing angrier than I've ever been. Exhausted from everything that's going on between us…" 

“There’s nothin-” Felix started, but couldn’t finish because the female blonde wouldn’t let him.

“Don’t you think I know that?” She asked, nearing her breaking point. It was unbelievable how he couldn’t get what she meant. “That’s precisely why this has to end... You hate me as it is, and I just can’t deal with this anymore!” 

Chloe wasn’t one to just break down without reason. Having always had to bottle up her emotions and fake others, wasn’t an easy task and it’s started to take more of a toll on her since this dumb “fake dating” favor started. What was she supposed to do? Continue this when it wasn’t doing her heart any good? No. That wouldn’t have been healthy and she knew that well enough already. 

“... I… I wish I did have actual feelings for Adrien, you know?” She started, pretty much having to hold back from shedding any tear at this point. “Things would have been easier… He wouldn’t have done anything to hurt me. And I would have been perfectly content just being his friend.”

“Are you ever going to stop denying such an obvious fact? You’ve been into him literally all your life!” 

"That's not true! He was never the one I fell for…" She responded, hugging herself, because she was sure that after this there would be no going back. "Even back when we were younger, loving him never crossed my mind. I didn't have many friends… And I still don't, but I wanted to try…" 

“Try what? Befriending someone with no interest in you whatsoever?” He asked, still extremely annoyed at how hard she tried to prove him wrong. “Becoming friends with just another girl who claims to be in love with my cousin isn’t something I’d ever want.”

“Well, good then! Since that’s NOT even the reason I tried so hard anyway!” She yelled back in frustration. “It was never my intention to make you feel like second best… but you wouldn’t know that since you rejected me every chance you got!”

“As if I’d believe anything you’d have to say… There’s nothing you could say that could sway me to believe you in the least.” He rolled his eyes. Who did she think she was anyway?

“O-Of course not… You’re heartless, Felix…” Chloe said, looking straight into his eyes. The girl never wanted to believe such a thing, but he’d proven it, especially with the way he normally treated her. “It’s sad how nothing could ever make its way through that cold and tough exterior of yours… You’re so unwilling to let anyone in, that I can see now that nothing’s ever going to change.”

The tears became harder to contain with every word she spoke. Chloe was very self conscious and she hated that it had come to this. She was stronger than this. 

"... You never made it easy, you know?" The blonde girl continued, closing her eyes shut, as if that would have been enough to keep the water in. "At first, I thought that was just you playing around… but the more time went by, the more I realized that was just you… You hated everyone and everything around you… And I still don't understand why I tried so hard to change it… because you're never going to see me that same way…" 

He just stared at her. Was she trying to tell him the one thing he always wanted to hear? She wasn't completely clear, so he wouldn't know. 

“It was never even about Adrien… He wasn’t the one who’d stolen my heart.” She’d looked down upset, tears on the verge of slipping away. “But then again, why would you care? I’m nothing but an inconvenience to you.”

Not being able to hold back much longer, the girl just let her tears flow freely. What else could she do now that things were out in the open? She wasn't sure anymore. 

"I… I hope you're proud of yourself…" Chloe said in between sniffles, all the while wiping away whatever tears she could with her hands. "J-jerk…" 

Before she could utter another word, she found herself enveloped in warmth. She wasn't sure how or when it occurred, since her main focus was ridding herself of the tears in her eyes. And when she looked up, she'd found herself staring at those same hues belonging to the one person who had stolen her heart. 

"W-What are you-?"

"Look, I'm not too good at this "comforting" thing… I just know I don't ever want you feeling this way, okay?" He said. "Especially if it's because of me." 

"Why the sudden change of heart?" She asked, curiously. 

"Because if I'm honest, I never actually hated you, Chloe. I was just under the impression that that's how guys would act around girls to show them that they were interested in them." He responded. 

"That explains a lot actually… Sabrina thought as much, but I just couldn't believe her." Chloe commented, in between sniffles. "Though an easier way to let a girl know you're interested is to just ask them out." 

"And would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?" He asked her straight out. Not at all planning to waste another second, as he'd had the last few years. "A real one this time." 

"Hmmm…" She hummed, as if deep in thought. "Maybe… if you can handle high maintenance and clingy?" 

"Only if it's you." 

"Damn right." She said, with a little soft smile on her lips, before it turned to a serious thin line. "I still expect you to make it up to me though. For making me so angry and upset in the past." 

"Demanding as always, are you?" He said, a little playfully. "Alright… Whatever you want." 

"We'll talk about the details later. Just hold me close for now, okay?" The girl requested, just enjoying being near him.

"Okay." He agreed, not at all minding her request. Felix could get used to this. 

He just hoped that the next time they hugged or had an intimate moment, it wouldn’t be under these circumstances.

[luparaneo]

so because it’s Pride Month I feel like I should talk about my own sort of small (compared to others) but weird journey, but it’s my journey

long post and ultra personal talk under the cut, you have been warned

I’ve always known I was asexual of some kind, I’d never felt any sexual attraction to others or hell never even felt a need to date. Those kinds of desires everyone else I met seemed to have but all I have is one great big black hole for both. Even well into my teens I found sex scenes in media gross and unnecessary, and I’d often feel repulsed and look away for romantic scenes in movies even if all they were doing was making out. I still do this though I try not to make it as obvious as I used to.

Growing up I was repeatedly slapped in the face by media with the message of “you MUST have a relationship and it MUST be a man and you MUST have sex with him on a regular basis or something is WRONG with you” and because of that I felt like I was broken, though nobody ever told me this to my face I just eventually internalized there was a problem with me. Like I was a child that never completely grew up, or I was afraid I was going to grow up a serial killer because I couldn’t emphasize with those kinds of relationships (I still wonder if I’m neurodivergent other than ADD, but that’s a topic for another day). To be completely honest it still kinda fucks with me on bad days. But then I started seeing others in the same boat, that maybe I’m not broken or maybe they're broken like me but we’re all free because it has a Name now and names are powerful. Something with a name can be grasped, understood. I didn’t fully understand the term, I might have even mocked it a little (I’m pretty sure I used the “lol like a plant?” joke at some point), but eventually the term “asexual” settled in my little brain and like with many things this shy little bean does I quietly embraced it and hid it away. And that’s how I discovered asexuality!

But, here’s where I recently fell down another rabbithole.

The ace banner is good and all, but I realized at some things just didn’t add up for me. I do actually enjoy adult games, read dirty fics, insert myself into fantasy situations when I’m not using an OC, and uh, “solo act” as it were because I still have a need to scratch that itch too. But like, real people? In meatspace? No, absolutely not, the mere thought makes all that shrivel up and recoil in horror. Buut then I found the term “aegosexual” and everything makes even more sense now.

I know there’s a lot of debate whether aegosexual is just another term for grey-ace, or even if it’s under the ace umbrella at all, but we’re just gonna wave that away for the moment. How my brain works is the more specific something is, the better I can wrap my brain around and understand or relate to it; otherwise I actually panic. Asexual and greysexual are not specific enough for me so I started worrying if I was wrong about being ace all this time, but then stumbled onto this term. Aegosexual in a nutshell as I understand it is “functioning libido but not with another/irl” and fantasies can be detached and/or extremely unrealistic. It still falls under the asexual banner since there’s a distinct lack of sexual desire with others. Kinda helps explain my monsterfuckery/furryism because you really can’t get more unrealistic than those lmao. I suppose I’m also some flavor of fictosexual because when there is attraction it’s 110% going to be a fictional character, but I legit feel like if that character ever somehow became real my ace brain would kick in and go “NO, NO SMASH, ONLY FRIEND >:C” fhdjklsjfs. I literally have no interest in meatspace shenanigans, at all. But aegosexual sounds much less childish imo so if anyone asks, I’ll tell them I’m ace or aego. Funny enough I don’t feel that I’m aegoromantic though I’m probably somewhere under the aro umbrella, but I think I’d be down for trying a QPR someday.

holy shit this turned out longer than I thought, my bad

anyway thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, if you feel I’m talking out my ass about anything feel free to DM me here or wherever your local friendly Lupa can be found

if you felt this was TMI, well, too bad fuck you there was a warning for a raisin

On a much shorter note, sometimes I also wonder about my gender because I’m not sure where it falls anymore. I’m a cis female, I’m perfectly fine with being referred by female pronouns, but some days my brain is like “wow imagine if you didn’t have those awful sacks of fat called tits?” because I have never liked having female physical features for some reason. I want to bind, I want to dress up in fancy suits over flowing dresses, it’s like my brain is going “imagine, androgyny” or something but I’ve never been too sure what I should call this. I blame growing up a massive tomboy for this confusion, lmao.

ok that’s it go home, I have nothing else for you, shoo

[alastairsqueen]

I just finished season 4 of 13 Reasons Why and I have a few things I need to get off my chest.

First of all, the lock down episode was beyond ridiculous. I could understand having a drill at a school for an active shooter situation, but to the extent this school went to? Absolutely not. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a school doing such a thing, and if they have, I can’t imagine parents taking it lightly. Look what happened to Clay. Those students were traumatized. And the bleeding dummies in an earlier episode? Wtf? 

Winston seemed kind of pointless. I get he wanted the truth to come out about Bryce because it would clear Monty’s name, but he barely knew Monty, the same guy who beat the living shit out of him at one point. Having sex with someone a couple of times doesn’t equal love. Honestly, I think that whole plot would have been better if Winston and Alex had stayed together, Alex started to trust Winston, and then Alex told him the truth. They already loved one another, basically, so it could have worked out. Learning the truth but also being in love with Alex, I feel like he would have let it go. Both outcomes are the same, but the story progression would have been a lot better. Hate to say it, but I also feel like Alex had a lot better chemistry with Winston in those first few episodes than he did with Charlie. Charlie was super sweet and nice, but I didn’t feel like he meshed well with Alex as much. It was cute how they won prom king and queen, but Charlie had to try way too hard. I guess he figured he had to prove Alex was worth it, but Winston never had to try that hard. That’s why I feel like the chemistry was better and it didn’t feel forced on us.

Also a small shout out to the Zalex kiss. I want to point out that it was obvious for awhile Alex was really gay. Hannah and Jessica joked about it back in season 1, which okay, was just a joke, but in season 2, he said a lot of really inappropriate things to Zach that I don’t feel like most guys would tell their friends, like about how he finally had an erection, and all these other things. We were all shipping Alex and Zach for awhile now because of their close connection, so the kiss did seem like they were baiting us with absolutely no follow through. However, I guess I can’t be terribly upset about it. Zach was weirded out when Alex said inappropriate things in the past, but he let it slide because they were friends. As much as I would have preferred these two to be endgame, I’m still alright with them being really good friends who love one another. And I’m glad that Alex got a happy ending with someone, at least.

Totally glad Ani and Clay did not end up together in the end. From what I saw of comments after last season, most people disliked Ani immensely. Her screen time was even limited this season so I feel like that was kind of their way of pushing her more to the back burner. However, I do appreciate the conversation she had with Clay at prom, how both of them said they don’t know what love is, and that they don’t know how to be in relationships. I think that is probably one of the most accurate, grown up depictions in this entire show. 

I sadly think this is one of those seasons that actually would have benefited from the 13 episode length season. With all the stuff we had going on with Clay, especially, and then everything else, I think things needed to be drawn out a little bit more. I still think Clay’s mental illness could have been handled a lot better. I’m glad he finally got therapy, but if someone was at risk of hurting themselves, they hold that person for at least 24-48 hours. When he escaped, he would have been brought right back. And even then, when his therapist said he wasn’t at risk for hurting himself anymore, I didn’t buy it for a second. And some of the things Clay did and didn’t remember seemed kind of strange, imo. I could see the spraypaint as he helped cover up the Monty thing, or even the email, but some of it like the video cameras and torturing his own friends in the woods? I know sometimes things don’t make sense when mental illness is concerned, but it just seemed very poorly written, like they wanted us to think everything was being done by someone else, even though most of it was Clay. Also hated the throw away line in the last eppie when he says that he doesn’t actually see people, that he just imagines conversations he would have with them in his head. What a total cop out. On more than one occasion people caught him talking out loud like someone was there, and they made that such a huge focus after Hannah died. Ugh. It kind of felt like a slap in the face to fans who commented on it.

A longer season would have also given us some really sweet moments and interactions between more of the characters. One of the biggest problems with this show is the personal moments. I felt like this season they were stretched thin, and it just felt like drama, drama, drama and doom and gloom the whole time. Every time these kids have even the happiest of moments, it’s ruined by something. 

We get a really sweet prom episode and then it’s just ruined by the ending. The final episode also should have been two separate ones. Having a major death, a graduation, and burying the tapes seemed like a bit much to put in one episode. I get they want to drive home the point that high school is hell, but really?

And as far as Justin goes, the whole back and forth with him getting better, then relapsing makes sense as he’s an addict and it will always be a struggle, but then he gets AIDS and dies? Also, they said he likely contracted it when he was homeless and sold himself, but typically it can take HIV 8 to 10 years before it turns into AIDS, so unless I’m missing something, it progressed really quick? In the show he was homeless at the end of the first season when he ran off and then into the start of season 2, so that’s only a couple of years at the most. Did they mean from another time he was homeless? Like it just didn’t add up. I know everyone is different, and he continued to use drugs, but they could have just had him overdose. I think they wanted to go for more tragic though, really make the audience feel it with all the sad goodbyes. To me it felt more like one of those things they toss in to try and bring ‘awareness’ to a topic, but failed miserably.

Also, the part that got me thinking was how Clay had pot in his system. He lost track of time frequently, but like......Charlie had those cookies on the camping trip, and no one really seemed high, but what if Clay ate one because we later see Charlie with the pot cookies at the party with Alex. Otherwise, they never really explained how he had pot in his system. We just saw him smoke it at the party later on.

The last thing I want to comment on is a couple of moments in the show that really made me go wtf. The first time was with Clay and the passed out girl at the frat house. He goes into the room and the excuse he gives to Bryce in his head is just.........wtf? And he later tells his therapist he was thinking about sex and he was hard. We know that he went in there because he thought the guy was going to rape her and then he saw Bryce, but like.........when he made that comment to his therapist I was just like nope. Later it happens again with Zach and the female escort he brought to prom in the bathroom. These are two characters who have been known to stick up for women, so it’s just like really? I feel like I kind of get what they were trying to go for with the show, like this concept that if you’re fucked up and not in your right frame of mind, on drugs, etc, people are capable of anything, even something terrible, but it just doesn’t work. It was beyond creepy, and I hated it. 

I will say I’m glad they actually did a Prom and Graduation episode though. One of the things that annoyed me most about Teen Wolf was we never got any glimpses of them being happy either. It was always plot and drama, never them being teens, so yeah. I’m glad they buried Hannah’s tapes, but like, I really didn’t care about Courtney or Ryan coming back to help bury them as they hadn’t even been apart of most of what happened in later seasons since they apparently graduated. I noticed Sheri wasn’t there either. 

I’m sure I could add more, but this is already really long. Basically I have a lot of mixed feelings about the final season.

[sunsetsover]

Talk about yesterdays episode.. tell me everything you enjoyed in detail lol.

first of all lemme just say i’m SO SORRY this took me so long to get to i know i said i’d answer this like last sunday but sometimes shit happens!!! but you asked for me to go into detail so i very much went into detail so!!! buckle in!!!

i’m doing this in bulletpoints for clarity otherwise it will just be an incoherent mess lmao

(also for reference this is abt the 8th nov ep aka the ‘you’re my boyfriend’ ep!)

ok so let me preface by saying i fuckin adored this ep it’s like god tier for me rn i love ben and pam’s relationship so mf much i hope she comes back soon

like the fact that she just knew!! she knew smth was going on w callum and ben more or less straight away and ok granted those two were not exactly being subtle what with the domestic they were having in the middle of the albert but u know... for all she knew callum was straight and had just broken up w whitney so the fact that she knows ben well enough to just be able to Know smth was goin on despite all of that?? i love that it says so much abt their relationship!!

and then her being the nan that she is and taking it upon herself to fish for information with jay like ‘callum seems nice.... shame abt whitney 👀’ and then jay covering for their asses by not saying anything but pam is Not Stupid and jay was also tellingly vague so she was instantly like i see 👀👀

and then ben entering the parlour shouting about ‘bring out your dead’ or w/e it is he says like the little shit he is and pam rolling her eyes and just the easy affection of that whole interaction like her gently slapping his face and calling him a little devil like ur damn right he is!! almost literally!! but there’s sm overt affection and love there and it’s so nice to see bc ben doesn’t really get that from anyone else (he does from callum now, and jay in certain situations, but it’s just different u know?? like u dont even see that energy from his own mum v often so it’s just... nice to see idk)

like i just love her she has such nan energy and it’s so comforting and warm and she needs to be around forever not just for ben but for jay and lola and also callum like ? pls come back forever pam

ben innocently trying to help callum out by getting him promoted to manager when he hears jay is gonna take a step back like!! he was really just tryna help bc he knew callum was struggling w money... and alright, he probably shouldn’t have meddled and i get why callum wasn’t happy abt it (i’ll get to that) but i also truly believe that that wasn’t him tryna control the situation or interfere or whatever but him genuinely trying to help out his bf and jay was gonna take a step back anyway so it wasn’t even like he was the one to suggest it or anything idk i just thought as misguided as it might have been it was very sweet and thoughtful

also the fact that ben’s reaction to jay being like ‘i suppose callum could be ready to be a manager’ was basically ‘yeah man have you seen him in that suit!!! he makes my dick hard!!!’ like !!!!!!! he was so sincere and enthusiastic as well like he’s fucking diabolical i love him sm ..... pair that with jay’s reaction basically just being like ‘........................ anyways’ sdkfjsdkfsl iconic scene

and then later!!!! you’ve got ben practically chasing callum into the parlour when he sees him go in there!! he’s so excited to see callum and tell him the good news abt the promotion!! bc he’s done good!!! he’s helping!!! bc he knows damn well he’s in the doghouse bc of what had happened with pam and like the energy he radiated when he walked into that parlour was very much ‘i am coming to u w my tail between my legs bc i know i fucked up but instead of saying sorry i’m going to give u the sad eyes and hope u relent’ and like u can see he was practically buzzing out of his skin as he waited for jay to tell him abt the promotion and he’s looking at callum like ‘look! look at what i did!! i’m fixing it! i’m making up for my mistake!’ bc this is obviously how he thinks he can fix things instead of idk having a conversation and talking abt things but!!! i love it ben’s so cute

but ofc it backfires bc callum doesn’t want ben to fix things!! he doesn’t need ben fixing things!! he can look after himself! and we the audience know it wasn’t like ben went to jay and was like ‘you need to promote callum bc he’s struggling with money’, it was more of a two birds one stone situation. but ofc callum doesn’t know that, and it comes across very much as ben meddling and also - as callum says - very hot and cold. like ben can’t tell pam abt their relationship and will ignore him for hours but will (seemingly) wade in like some kind of knight in shining armour bc callum said he’s having money troubles? nah. i said it at the time but i completely agree w callum’s reaction, i would have reacted the same way if i were him. and maybe on any other day callum wouldn’t have reacted so strongly, but after what had happened that morning w pam it’s completely understandable why he goes off on one.

and like poor ben is so confused like he obviously really thought this would be good news and put him back in callum’s good graces but ofc it doesn’t bc what callum needed was an explanation and apology. and you can see how confused and crestfallen he is bc he doesn’t want to fight w callum and he really didn’t want to make things worse but he evidently has and not only that but jay is there witnessing his massive fuck up in action. and u can just tell from the body language that he straight up doesn’t know what to do or say so he’s just kinda floundering bc he really thought he could fix what had happened with pam bc what? he half talked jay into giving callum a promotion? bless him lmao

then he goes full grovel mode - even if he is still very ben about it - and is leaving him voicemails (meaning he’s tried to call him multiple times, he probably tried texting too lmao) and moping abt in the cafe looking all sad and stressed and it’s just so good bc he knows he fucked up and he’s trying not to let it fester which is a v good and v adult thing to do. plus the juxtaposition of ben being like ‘u know ur gonna forgive me so stop being a diva and call me back’ and then that soft little ‘please 🥺’ tacked on the end??? delicious

and then pam walking up to him and standing there and just sighing. like not a word, she just stands there and sighs like dkjfkjsdkfjlsdkf mood !!

no but ok that whole scene of ben and pam in the cafe really had me welling up like just. everything about it. the layers to it all. and i won’t sit here and dissect every little thing even tho i probably could bc we’d be here all day but like just. all of it.

like pam’s exasperation at ben not telling her about him and callum (bc obviously she’s found out from someone - probably honey, who wouldn’t think to lie abt it if pam asked outright), ben not even being marginally surprised that she knows bc even he must know how obvious he’s been, and she was bound to find out from someone. the fact that he jumped when she raised her voice and pointed at him - i could make a whole separate post about that honestly that just. says so much about ben. but yh.... the fact that she knew without him even having to open his mouth that ben was gonna say it was to spare her feelings (like that’s essentially what he says to callum later in the ep). the fact that he didn’t really have a good excuse to offer her and he knew that. his sad little face and the fact that he made himself smaller and ducked his head like just his body language in general (max bowden is SO good at playing on that shit, he has a way of making ben seem physically smaller in certain situations and i love it sm). ben being like ‘idk i thought it’d be easier’ and pam immediately being like ‘yeah for u not callum!!!’ like the ‘u silly boy!!’ was so heavily implied throughout this whole scene u can practically taste it.

and pam! pam manages to effectively have a go at ben and call him out on his shit without belittling him or being cruel or nasty (and no naming names but like. certain mothers could learn a thing or two 👀) and actually have ben listen to her. because she listens to him and hears him and respects and loves him and he respects and loves her so she can have a go at him and his back won’t go up and he won’t lash out because he knows she’s not going to try and hurt him or be unnecessarily harsh. and that’s why their relationship is so special. also i’m still v bitter abt the way kathy handled calling out ben’s shit as opposed to how pam handled it but 🤷🏻‍♀️

like it’s such a little thing but it’s the way she waited for ben to speak. ben said ‘i didn’t-’ and then cut himself off, obviously either struggling to find the right words or struggling to say them out loud, and she just waited for him. waited for him to find the words, to figure out how to say it. she didn’t rush him or try and put words in his mouth or anything, she just sat there quietly, patiently waiting for ben to explain himself in his own time. that is the difference between her and everyone else, and that’s why ben listens to her. because she listens to him - and i mean really, actually listens rather than just hearing the sound of his voice ygm

and then they get too the root of it all: paul. he says he didn’t want pam thinking he’d forgotten paul - which is only half true, imo. i think he was (and maybe still is) just as scared that he’s going to forget paul. i think he has a lot of unaddressed issues when it comes to paul and what happened in general. and i think he definitely needed permission specifically from les and/or pam that it was ok for him to move on now - bc other ppl have tried to tell him that but u can tell from how he’s reacted in the past that he doesn’t like ppl who didn’t really know paul talking abt what he would or wouldn’t want. but pam did know paul, probably better than anyone. and she’s telling him that it’s ok. that she wants him to be happy, and that’s exactly what paul would want too. and she would know - she’s his nan. so ben can allow himself to listen to her. he trusts her, trusts that she would know what paul would want, how he would feel. and now he has permission to let go of the past a little bit and finally start moving on.

and that’s hard!! like as much as he might like callum, that’s still a hard thing to do for him!! you can see on his face that it’s hard for him to digest and accept what pam’s telling him - that maybe it’s finally time to let go. it’s just as hard for him to confess that yeah, he does care about callum - he gives her the tiniest nod of the head because he can hardly even bring himself to say it, but he can’t deny it either. and it’s hard for pam too, is the thing. you can from the way her voice shakes as she tells him it’s time to start showing callum that he cares how hard she’s trying not to cry. not because she’s not being sincere, not bc she doesn’t mean it or she doesn’t want ben to move on and be happy, but it’s still a hard thing. the world has moved on without paul, and now ben - the last link to him in a lot of ways - is too, and as necessary and as good as that is for him, it doesn’t make it any easier for them. grief is a weird and difficult thing and i think they both did a good job of portraying the struggle of it in this scene.

and then them having this moment right at the end at the end where they’re just smiling at each other w their heads rested together and it’s not an easy thing and they’re both obviously a bit upset and broken but it’s so sincere and warm and she just pulls him in and kisses his head and he just lets himself be comforted by her and by this point i had a big lump in my chest bc it was a very real and important and sweet moment and i was a lil overwhelmed

the tiny mick and callum scene!! i want more of them!!! we haven’t had a proper mick and callum scene since before the wedding i think and i know realistically it’s bc danny dyer has been doin other stuff and hasn’t been filming much and then when he has been filming obv the focus has been on the ollie/linda stuff but!! i miss them and it was so good to see them acknowledge that they haven’t seen each other much and for mick to acknowledge callum’s relationship w ben (calling it ‘matters of the heart’ 🥺️) it was just Good i love their relationship sm and i miss them and i need more!!

mick being so happy to see pam was just !!!!!!!!!! like everyone loves pam!!!!!!! please can she come back and stay forever pls

ben’s face when he tried to approach callum only for callum to turn his back on him like that boy was CRUSHED and he didn’t know what to do like he just stood there for a moment unsure what to do w himself and it was Gud

the shot of callum drinking his beer looking all mopey and dejected with ben staring at the back of his head obviously pining even if he wasn’t in focus and then pam telling ben to basically get his shit together and fix this and practically shoving him towards callum while ben’s lookin like he’s trying to psych himself up and mick’s just there looking between all of them trying to figure the whole thing out??? high art

ben approaching callum looking visibly nervous and out of his depth... and then callum seeming genuinely surprised that ben had come over... bye

the fact that the first thing ben said was ‘i’m sorry’!!! ben saying he understands why callum flipped out the way he did!!! callum saying he understands that ben was just trying to help!!!! ben acknowledging that callum is hurt and upset and then explaining why he did what he did and how he felt but still acknowledging that he hurt callum!!! the fucking communication!!!!!!!! like honestly it hasn’t been smooth sailing for these two so far but they always seem to be surprisingly good at communicating and talking when smth is going wrong, at least after the fact (esp ben) and i LOVE that it’s so healthy!!

callum doing the very callum thing and being like ‘it’s fine, i get it’ even tho he’s clearly still upset bc he doesn’t wanna rock the boat but then ben being like ‘no, it’s not fine! what i did is not fine! you don’t have the pretend that it is!’ and callum seeming lowkey taken aback by that :-(

(pam and mick just watching on in the background of all of this like the pseudo parents they are like honestly??? maybe the best part of the scene LMAO)

that little bit of nervousness before ben says ‘you’re my boyfriend’ like he said it in a very sure way but you could tell he was nervous bless him... and then the way callum’s face lit up but he tried to hide it and not smile and play it cool with his ‘you’ve never called me that before’ but then it cuts back to ben who has the biggest smile on his face but u can tell he’s tryna suppress it a lil too but failing miserably AND THEN shy ben makes an appearance w his little ‘well you are, aren’t ya?’ like he just wants to be sure!! he wants to ask so callum has the opportunity to say no (though judging by both of their faces he knew callum wasn’t gonna say no lmao) but he’s still ben so he’s gotta ask in this roundabout way... man it’s so cute

combine that with callum’s little pout and squint like he was pretending he really had to think abt it and the tone of his little ‘yeah’ like he was like ‘i suppose so’.... the subtle banter of it all i love it.... but he can’t keep it up for long bc then he’s the one with a massive smile on his face like bro... the sun doesn’t even shine that bright

and then ben’s little disbelieving ‘yeah?’ like he had to make sure :-(

AND JUST PAM AND MICK BEING LIKE AWWW WHEN THEY KISSED AND MICK BEING LIKE ‘HOW LOVELY’ AND JUST STANDING THERE SMILING AT THEM IT TOOK ME OUT FR

ben asking callum if he’s happy and callum tapping ben’s chin and telling him he is...................... the two of them looking at each other Like That....... talented brilliant incredible amazing etc

pam being like ‘my work here is done’ i love HER

ben making a point of being like ‘pam i want you to meet my boyfriend’ he’s so fuckin cute i love him

the whole pam and callum exchange from the hug to her holding his hand and telling him how lucky he is to have ben and then telling callum that ben has the biggest heart of anyone she knows but saying it to ben bc she knows he needs to hear that too bc like... when has anyone EVER said that about ben?? when has anyone ever thought that about ben?? but she sees through all the bullshit and sees him for the kind, soft-hearted, loving but equally damaged boy he really is and she wants callum to know and understand that but also for ben to know that too and i’m crying just thinking about it bc you can see ben’s face change and how emotional he starts to get not only bc it’s pam and everything that must be going through his head abt paul, but also just?? someone being kind to him?? saying smth nice?? god i’m broken

like pam really almost had me in tears in this scene genuinely esp when she was clearly getting emotional (as was ben) and she took both of their hands and told them to look after each other, given everything that happened with paul, and them both saying ‘we will’.... like that really fucked me up.... it felt like a Moment.... and then follow that up w pam and ben resting their heads against each other and whispering ‘i love you’ and it was so warm and full of love and adoration .... the ‘i hate goodbyes’.... the palm kiss.... the fact that ben looked like he was abt to cry as pam left... i was a broken woman truly

and then they just went on as if nothing happened and they didn’t just have a very significant relationship moment with the ‘i am lucky’ ‘i’m glad you realize it’ banter lmao

ben being like ‘u have the support of ur boyfriend 🥰️’ when callum was explaining he wanted to leave the parlour like he really couldn’t keep that word out of his mouth huh 🥺️

and the way he grabbed callum’s hand but only managed to get 3 fingers and then callum putting his hand on top of ben’s like for some reason that really fucked me up......... like gays and hands am i right

the journey ben’s face went on when callum told him he wanted to join the police.... the way it went from ‘haha good joke’ to ‘..................... wait he’s being serious’ to ‘oh god what the fuck’ was amazing lmao

and then him interrupting jay and lola w his massive dramatic freak out was so fucking funny like the way jay just shoved lola off his lap when ben come in KILLED me honestly and like ben’s on the verge of a breakdown and his brother and the mother of his child are just taking the piss and laughing at his expense.......... i love family

yeah so perhaps i went a bit overboard w this one but i did make you wait like a week and a half so perhaps this will make up for it lmao ??? but rlly tho i loved this ep sm there was so much good abt it and i want to keep pam forever thank u for ur time 💖💖

[captainchrisfics]

At the Altar

About: Inspired by Rick Springfield’s Jessie’s Girl at the request of @fandomslut666 , Chris’s friend asks him to be the best man at his wedding, which is great...until he realizes he’d rather be the one meeting Ella at the end of the aisle.

Word Count: 5,850

A/N: I’m really sorry this is so long and somehow still feels underdeveloped imo. I had too many ideas and too little space in my google doc before this turned into an actual novel, but I hope you enjoy anyway!

Chris sat overlooking Boston���s skyline from the restaurant’s otherwise empty table, despite the two unoccupied place settings. His eyes traveled to the vacant seats before drifting to the face of his watch, which ticked thirty minutes past the time he and his friend Jessie had agreed to meet at. They’d known each other since kindergarten, but Chris wouldn’t say they were particularly close growing up. Or at all really, until news broke about how Chris actually made it. After that, Jessie always seemed to be reaching out for a wingman or a nice meal. Normally that’d be the kind of thing to really get under Chris’s skin, but Jessie was good enough company he didn’t mind entertaining him when he wasn’t too busy otherwise. Or when Jessie was on time.

“Hey man,” a familiar voice greeted the actor, hand clasping on his back as he approached from behind. “Nice of you to show up,” Chris joked genialy, standing to greet his friend. When he turned, he saw that Jessie wasn’t alone. He was with a woman Chris couldn’t remember meeting before, though he doubted he’d forget her. He sure as hell hoped Jessie hadn’t picked up on how his smile faltered when he noticed his friend’s arm wrapped tightly around her waist, hand resting a little lower than he’d be comfortable with if he found out they were related. Still, Chris had his fingers crossed that was how they knew each other.

“Wanted to introduce you to my girl, Ella,” Jessie said, smiling down at the beautiful woman on his arm. She rolled her eyes teasingly, the smile playing on her perfect lips gave her away. Chris couldn’t help thinking she looked like a fairy with those wide, clear eyes and her impish expression. “fiancée,” she corrected lightheartedly. Chris hoped how his jaw hit the floor wasn’t too noticeable when he saw the diamond sparkling on her ring finger. Definitely wasn’t his sister. “Y-you’re engaged?” Chris said, looking at her with raised eyebrows. Part of him held onto the hope that she’d laugh and say it was some joke they came up with on the way over. Jessie seemed to think the question was directed at him as he said, “I know, crazy right?”

Jessie was too busy talking to notice how Chris straightened his suit jacket in an attempt to regain composure. Hiding the kind of disappointment that dropped right to the very bottom of your stomach, he cleared his throat before speaking again. “I’m really happy for you. Congratulations,” Chris said with a forced smile and the overly optimistic wish that his tone sounded earnest enough not to raise suspicion. Jessie grinned at Chris and slapped his back again in thanks before taking a seat across the table, leaving Chris to pull out the chair for his friend’s fiancée. “What a gentleman,” Ella remarked, though Chris caught the way she huffed with annoyance and shot Jessie a look from the corner of her eye. Something about it made him feel smug, which he immediately felt guilty for. As much as he felt like a moth to her flame, Chris had to remind himself she was taken. Not only taken, engaged. To his friend from childhood.

Still, Chris couldn’t help being absolutely enthralled with her. There was just something about the way her eyes crinkled when she laughed at what his jokes, how she leaned forward intently when he spoke, and the way she made eye contact with him even when Jessie was the one talking before fluttering her gaze away when he caught her.

“So how’d you two meet?” Chris asked gruffly in an attempt to get Jessie talking again, that way he’d have something to focus on rather than the heat he felt rising to his cheeks when she only looked at him with those doe eyes. He learned that Ella and Jessie didn’t know each other for too long, they’d had a short relationship and weren’t planning on a long engagement either.

Let the record show Chris did try to ignore the stupid way his heart fluttered when their legs grazed each other under the table, which he managed to do for most of dinner, however unsuccessfully. He hadn’t even realized how much time he’d spent poking around his salad in an attempt to do anything other than wonder if his mom would like her as much as he did, not that it mattered really. It was what Jessie’s mom thought of her that counted for something, Chris reminded himself. But he knew his mom would love her. Again, not that it mattered. Then the waiter interrupted this thought spiral when he put down the expensive bottle of wine Jessie ordered for dessert in front of Chris and popped the cork.

“Anyway,” Jessie said, his tone more serious than Chris could recall hearing in a while. He interrupted Ella with a complete disregard for the impassioned conversation her and Chris had been in the middle of, another thing Chris tucked away in his mental file of reasons why they clicked better. “I wanted to ask you something. Would you be my best man?” he asked, looking at Chris with a cheesy raised eyebrow. “Y-you want me to be your best man?” Chris said incredulously, wide eyes and slacked jaw to complete the look. Jessie nodded, sipping on his glass before saying, “You’ll do it, won’t you? Thought you’d throw the best bachelor party out of anyone I know.”

“I guess I don’t see why not,” Chris accepted with a small nod against his better judgment, not that surprised it was about money rather than an actual, genuine connection when it came to Jessie’s motive. “Glad to hear it,” Jessie grinned before downing the rest of his drink. “We’ve got to get going, but I’ll be sure to Venmo you or something,” Jessie said as he stood and shrugged on his jacket. “Why are we leaving?” Ella asked with a small pout, her eyes darting between Chris and her fiancé. “I’m having fun, I don’t want to go yet.” Jessie rolled his eyes, wrapping his arm around her possessively. “We have that thing, remember?” he excused with a fake laugh Chris saw right through. A burning anger started to simmer in Chris’s stomach, but he wasn’t in a position to do anything about them ducking out early, or the money for their half of the check he knew he’d never receive. Instead, he stood to hug Ella, relishing in the feeling of having her in his arms if only for a fleeting moment. Chris had to tell himself he was imagining it, but they seemed to fit so well together, like puzzle pieces. Then, he shook Jessie’s hand who emitted a strained laugh as he said, “Man, killer grip. They’ve really got you working out for those Marvel movies, huh? Must not know your own strength, Evans.”

When they’d turned to leave, Chris fell back into his chair. With slumped shoulders, he poured another glass of wine to the very top. He watched them walk away, hating how Jessie’s arm wrapped around her waist like he was claiming her and feeling so dirty for it. Sitting back alone while she went home with Jessie made his chest feel like his heart was sitting in it the wrong way, which was inherently and uncontrollably shame-inducing. He found himself in the middle of a deep pool of quicksand, the kind of thing that pulls you in deeper the harder you fight, which was when it occurred to Chris he was so deeply, entirely, and utterly fucked for the first of many times.

That feeling didn’t fade with the months that followed, if anything it got so much worse. Jessie abused Chris being his best man, sending him on every remotely related wedding errand he didn’t want to attend. The complete disregard he had for Chris’s life annoyed him, but once he realized the silver lining he stopped complaining. Usually Chris wasn’t one to let anyone walk all over him like that, but it meant he got to spend some more time with Ella which he wasn’t willing to give up. Chris made a pact with himself that he had to keep it cordial, toeing the lines between amiable, affectionate, and austere. Nothing more, nothing less. Ella made that hard, though.

Like when they went to pick out floral arrangements, she talked about how much she adored sunflowers. She told him about how she planted them with her family when she was little, accompanied by this adorable light in her eyes and the biggest grin he’d ever seen. “Sorry,” Ella said meekly when she realized how long she’d been talking for. She looked through an arrangement of red roses and baby’s breath but there was this look in her eye like she was seeing past the flowers, thinking about something deeper. Chris shrugged and said something about how she didn’t have to apologize, insisting that he really enjoyed the conversation as must as she did when she shook her head.

“Jessie says it’s annoying when I get like that so I appreciate you listening,” she puffed out a sigh. Chris grabbed her hand to catch her attention and then dropped it when he thought better of it. Nothing more, he reminded himself. Still, he held her gaze with a sorry softness of his own. “Jessie’s an idiot sometimes. Don’t let him make you feel bad about yourself or the things you care about. Ever,” Chris said with all the intensity he could muster, hoping she’d believe him. Ella tucked her hair behind her ear, driving him absolutely insane without ever realizing, as she nodded feebly with lips turned up in a gentle smile.

Then there was the time they went cake tasting a few months later. Chris had been texting Ella as time passed. He was out of town filming one of those small budget rom-coms he loved doing near a patch of sunflowers so he sent her a picture, telling her how they made him think of her. Not even a minute later, Ella responded with something about how he’d brightened her day. This part of Chris he kept trying to suppress was fueled by that, the part of him with that selfish, unsatisfiable desire to be the guy who brightened every single one of her days. Since then, it’d evolved into the kind of intimate, daily conversation that sparked an intense and constant guilt in the pit of his stomach. And then she’d shoot him an emoji with those blushing cheeks and he’d forget about the ring on her finger for a second. But still, Chris wasn’t this guy. He was loyal and kind and not the kind of person to flirt with his friend’s girl when he was hopelessly and irrevocably attracted to her. Seriously, what kind of best man daydreams about running off with the bride? But when Jessie flaked on their cake tasting appointment and Ella decided to reach out and invite him on a whim rather than calling on some of her friends, how could he not go?

Chris was supposed to be on his way to a photo shoot. Usually, he wasn’t the type to ditch work, especially when others were relying on him. It occurred to him then that Chris had this irking feeling he wasn’t exactly sure of what he was capable of doing when it came to Ella, especially when she’d been more distant than he’d grown used to. It was his own doing since he stopped responding when the guilt got the better of him, but he missed her. So without thinking twice, he sped over to the bakery, absent of an ounce of a bad feeling about it. There was no room for doubt with all of the excitement.

Then he saw her sitting at the counter through the shop’s window. She seemed to glow in the golden light of the afternoon sun, looking like every bit of the deity Chris started to suspect she had to be. He knew it was a reach, but he had to rationalize the intense attraction he had for her. Otherwise, it would mean confronting the fact that he’d really become that guy. When the bell of the door he’d entered caught her attention, the pout on her lips grew into a smile as she jumped up to hug him, forgetting about the hours she’d spent staring at her empty messages and cursing his name.

Chris twirled with the momentum, setting her down and smiling so big his cheeks hurt. “Missed you,” he confessed. The words came out like an exhale, something he didn’t even think about before it just happened as if it was a part of his nature. Ella’s smile faltered only for a second, which was the exact moment Chris decided he’d add the ‘nothing less’ part to the pact. “Sorry for not responding. Life’s been… crazy lately,” he apologized, stretching to scratch the back of his neck. Ella pursed her lips before resolving that it was okay since he was here now, maybe not when she needed him the most, but it was pretty damn close. “Don’t disappear again and you can have some cake,” she proposed, only half-joking. His contact’s disappearance from her notifications hurt in a way she hadn’t anticipated, but he was here. That was more than she could say for her soon-to-be husband. To make matters worse, it didn’t help that the employees who kept bringing out fresh slices of whatever flavor they wanted to try mistook Chris as her betrothed. In all fairness, they were at a wedding cake tasting together. Every time they laughed it off, joking about how they might argue like an old married couple sometimes, but they were more friends than anything. And every time Chris felt a pain in his chest, a dull punch that turned into a steady ache as he wanted more and more for that to not be the case. He wanted to be in the photo Ella handed the baker to model the bride and groom after. He wanted to smile and say thank you when the cashier said they made a beautiful couple.

It occured to Chris that this may not have been the best idea when he spent more time watching her taste cakes than eating it himself. The way her eyes fluttered shut and she leaned in toward the cake like before her lips parted to take in the bite. “Oh my god, Chris,” she moaned in exactly the way he imagined, though Chris tried to keep his thoughts from going there. Tried being the operative word. Especially when it came to her all but groaning his name so sensually, Chris couldn’t help the heat pooling in the bottom of his stomach. His knees grew weak at just the thought of hearing that and so much more escape her lips in breathy gasps. “This chocolate one is so good,” Ella said, snatching back his attention from some more unsavory thoughts about his friend’s fiancée. “Try it,” she prompted, holding her replenished fork for him, completely oblivious to the distracting effect she had on his thoughts. But, being the book he was never able to put down, Ella re-captured his attention without trying to.

After much deliberation, Ella decided on the chocolate. Even after all of the sweets, the two decided they had enough room for lunch to stop at the diner next door. Truthfully, Chris felt sick from all the sugar. She could’ve asked him to accompany her to the gates of hell and he would’ve done it, no questions asked. He just wanted to spend more time with her, even if it meant more nausea.

“I think the thing I’m looking forward to most about the wedding is the cake. Is that bad?” Ella said with a dry laugh once they sat at their table. Chris looked at her with a cocked eyebrow and laughed at her joke, though it was a bit suspicious sounding. “Just a tad,” he responded with a tone that was clearly half-kidding. Ella shrugged, suddenly looking like a suspect under the harsh light of an interrogation room before changing the subject. Chris didn’t push further to alleviate her discomfort, but there was something about the desperate doubt in her eye that kept him up that night.

Then there was the time they went dress shopping, just a month or so before the big day. They’d been inseparable whenever Chris was home, always at each other’s houses laughing over some ice cream and crying during Disney movies. She invited Chris since they’d grown so close lately, or at least that’s why Ella thought she wanted his opinion on her wedding dress so badly. When Chris showed up, he was shocked to see that she was alone again. Sure, Ella was from out of town so not many of her family and friends would be able to make it, but he thought she mentioned at least inviting her best friend?

“Oh, yeah. We… got into a pretty big fight last night,” Ella said casually when he asked, burying herself in the heap of wedding dresses on the wrack. She tried to busy herself by going through the designs, but Chris still caught the way her sigh sounded sad and heavy. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder in comfort, as light as a feather, and offered an ear as he said, “Want to talk about it?” Ella looked at him with big, watery eyes that wanted a shoulder to cry on, but were still wary of whether or not he would be a safe place to land. She bit her lip in an attempt to keep her mouth shut, but it burst like a dam once Chris offered a kind smile and a soft, “You know you can tell me anything.”

“I didn’t want to say anything to you because I know you’re friends, but she just hates Jessie so much. Last night, Jessie mentioned he didn’t want me to pick anything too form-fitting because it’d make me look fat and she blew up on him. She said it was the last straw, that she couldn’t sit back while he treated me like that anymore. She said she wouldn’t come today if I went through with it, in protest or something, and I didn’t think she was serious but…” Ella trailed off, unable to stop the tears from causing her voice to crack like her heart.

Chris wrapped her up in a hug without hesitation, pressing her head into his strong chest. He rested his chin on top of her head and rubbed small circles on her back, hating the way she clung to him like he was the only thing keeping her grounded and how her body wracked with sobs she finally allowed herself to release after months of bottling everything up. All of the frustrations from planning a wedding essentially on her own, all of her confusion and regrets, all of the moments that she wished she had another option than walking down the aisle escaped her, left behind as tear-stains on Chris’s shirt.

When her breathing steadied, Chris held her by her shoulders at arm's length. “Elle, I’m your friend too. And, frankly, Jessie is more of a dick than I ever thought imaginable. Your friend was right to say you deserve so much better. Hell, you deserve the whole entire world,” Chris said, trying to mask his love and speak as a friend. He didn’t want to pull her from his friend’s arms into his own or give her the impression that he was saying she should leave Jessie for him. But he cared for her too much to watch Ella as she continued to set herself on fire to keep Jessie warm.

“I’m not getting any younger though, Chris,” she said, eyes on the floor while she wiped the tears that still dripped down her cheeks. “Yeah, Jessie could be better. But he could be a  hell of a lot worse too. You try being a single woman in this world without settling for the sake of stability,” Ella chuckled dryly. “Plus, we’re already so deep into this. Everyone’s RSVP'd, we paid for the DJ already, booked the church and everything. I mean, I’m trying on wedding dresses for fuck’s sake.”

Chris sighed, wringing his hands through his hair before finally coming to a conclusion. Chris’s thumb lifted Ella’s face by her chin so her eyes met his, seeing the ferocity of feelings she couldn’t completely identify. “I guess it’s your decision, but if there’s anything even resembling a doubt in your mind and you want a way out-” Chris stopped when he noticed her eyes drifting away from his again. “Look at me, Ella. I don’t care if you’re halfway down the aisle, if you want a way out, say the word and I’ll give you one,” he promised. Ella only nodded, not really sure where to go from there. The gravity of that look in his eye, the severity of his tone, the intensity of his energy. None of it fully registered with her in that moment, it was the kind of determined pledge that needed time to sink in. So she turned back to the dresses and began shuffling through them again, at least trying to move on and forget the rock and a hard place she was stuck between if only for a moment. Chris took the hint helped her resume a sense of normalcy as he pulled a dress off the rack and handed it to her, saying, “I, for one, think you’d look great in a mermaid cut.”

Later, Chris was thinking about that conversation. He sat at the bar in the club he’d rented out for Jessie’s bachelor party, watching everyone else party while he swirled his glass of whiskey solemnly, thinking about how unhappy Ella looked then. How much that broke his heart. How he knew he could treat her better. How mad he was that Jessie didn’t. How pissed he’d be tomorrow, standing right behind the son of a bitch lucky enough to marry her. Chris’s eyes found Jessie among the hoard of people he invited. He was completely clueless as to how grateful he should be, stupidly sloshing a bottle of vodka around while his friends encouraged him to chug it. Jessie tried, but couldn’t stomach it. Everyone cheered anyway when he threw it down on the closest table, before scooping up the closest girl and planting his lips on hers. Calling it a kiss would be a boldly loose use of the term, it looked more like he was trying to eat her if Chris was honest. He sat there powerlessly watching it happen in slow motion, while the love of his life was cheated on by the man she was going to meet at the end of the aisle tomorrow morning.

Across the club and with his lips still attached to some other woman, Jessie made eye contact with Chris, who looked like his grip on the shot glass was about to shatter it. Chris couldn’t tell what kind of half-assed apology Jessie was trying to mouth to him through all the anger he felt surge in his chest. Then, Jessie shrugged casually, as if this betrayal wasn’t shrapnel he was launching into Ella’s life in the wake of his explosion, and led the girl into a nearby bathroom by her hand. Chris knew he had to get out of there before he ended up stuck behind bars. Despite that desire, he thought of Ella and how hurt she’d be, how badly she’d need a shoulder to cry on. It was just about the only rational thought Chris had through the clouded surge of hostility until he reached his hotel room. But, fuck, Chris wanted nothing more than to deck him then and there. Instead, he paced a hole into the carpet, trying to come up with ways he’d break the news and failing. By morning, Chris still didn’t have an idea of what to do or a wink sleep. He laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling as he had been all night. The way he saw it, there were two options.

He could tell Ella and, oh my god, did he want to. But this entire time he’d known her he hasn’t had the luxury of getting what he wanted. If he told her, he’d be responsible for ruining her wedding day. But even that happiness was a sham. If he told her, she’d finally break up with Jessie. But that could backfire and Chris didn’t want her to think he was lying or only telling her so she’d be his instead. If he told her, she’d hate Jessie. But she might hate him, too. If he told her, Chris would be doing right by Ella and he’d get the chance to see where things could go for the two of them. But, he worried he was acting out of his own selfish want to be with her and he’d hate her for ruining her shot of a happy marriage in the process.

Chris stayed as far away from Jessie as he could, fearing the damage his punch might cause when it connected with the groom’s nose. A black eye wouldn’t go well with his tux, plus it would raise some questions. Add ‘sending Jessie to the hospital’ to the list of things Chris found himself daydreaming about but couldn’t act on for the sake of human decency. He tried to avoid Ella at all costs, too. Chris knew he couldn’t look her in the eye and lie, but how do you tell someone standing before you in their wedding dress that their soon-to-be husband cheated on them? How do you not? Instead, he busied himself prepping for the wedding. He made sure every petal was in place, every guest was in their seat, every wrinkle in the aisle’s carpet was flattened. Everything else had to be perfect. Ella had to have the perfect day, at least before it wasn’t.

He was rushing to find the ring bearer to make sure the little boy had the rings before walking down the aisle and running out of time to decide when he saw her. Ella was standing behind the church’s huge doors, silhouetted by the rainbow glow of stained glass windows. Her white veil falling delicately around her shoulders and a bouquet of roses and sunflowers in her hands, looking every bit the beautiful bride Chris dreamed she’d be. She turned her head delicately toward him, breaking out into a grin when she saw Chris standing there breathlessly. Like Icarus to the sun, he couldn’t escape her gravitational pull.

He walked toward her, heart pounding so loudly he worried its vibration would collapse the old building. He was pretty sure she’d have this effect on his heart regardless of the secret weighing heavy on his mind. Wiping his sweaty palms on the pants of his tux, Chris still smiled once he was face to face with Ella. He opened his mouth to compliment her, but the words that clumsily tumbled out instead were, “Jessie cheated on you.” So much for a plan.

“W-what?” she spluttered, dropping her flowers to the floor. “I’m really sorry Elle, you’ve got to believe me. At the bachelor party last night he made out with some girl I’ve never seen and then they snuck off together. Fuck, I’m really sorry,” Chris word-vomited, every secret being spilled from his lips. Really it was foolish of him to think he could even keep anything from her, but at least they were in a church for all the confessing he was doing.

Ella’s jaw tightened as she tried to keep the tears welling up in her eyes from falling. “And you didn’t do anything?” she said with a measured tone, breathing ragged. “You couldn’t have even told me before I put the dress on?” Chris’s eyes grew wide, his worst fear of her being angry with him seemingly confirmed.

He started speaking with his hands and a heavy Boston accent as he pleaded her to believe him. “Oh, trust me, I wanted to beat the living shit out of him. I almost did too, until I realized how much you could hate me for it. I mean, he’s still your fiancé, you know? Hell, I didn’t even know if I should tell you,” Chris continued without even stopping for a breath. She could ask for his credit card and social security numbers, which one of his nieces and nephews was really his favorite, what team he’d support over the Patriots and she’d get an answer. Chris was just short of bearing his whole soul to her.

“So you were just going to keep his dirty little secret? You weren’t going to tell me?” she said with crossed arms, her voice cracking like that was the thing that hurt most of all. Chris shook his head furiously. “No, no, no, you’ve gotta listen to me. I just didn’t know if-” Ella raised a finger, shutting him up instantly. If only she would’ve done that about ten seconds ago before Chris started digging his grave with an excavator. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t expecting some kind of betrayal from him, but never from you,” Ella sighed, looking to the floor so she could avoid the pained expression of those blue eyes. “I’ll see you at the altar,” she concluded, hoping Chris would leave before she started crying. He took a small step back and then another before accepting defeat, turning, and leaving.

Before he knew it, Chris was standing behind Jessie at the altar, jaw tight and fists clenched in the pockets of his tux, when the wooden doors opened to reveal Ella. Seeing her still winded him like a punch to the stomach, but knowing there was so much hurt behind her strong facade made his heart ache. Regardless, Chris knew he had to stand there stoically out of the fear that he’d ruin any more of her wedding day with another outburst. The priest read something from the Bible about commitment to your partner, which Chris was too busy thinking about how painfully ironic it was to pay attention, and then they said their vows. The way Ella’s breath rattled when she said the “to love and to cherish” piece caught his attention, like she was trying so hard to hold herself together even her lungs were shaking.

What felt like a century later, the priest looked throughout the small crowd before finally saying, “If anyone objects to these two being wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace.” Chris stared intently at Ella with the kind of eye contact that made you forget you could speak without words. She looked at him too, filled with uncertainty and desperation, as she mouthed one word: please. A word so small, a word billions of people used every day, a word he wouldn’t hear again without thinking of this moment.

“I do,” Chris spit out so fast he repeated it again, just to make sure everyone heard. “I know this isn’t a legal reason and Jessie I hate to call you out like this in front of…” Chris shot the guy he wasn’t too torn up over never speaking to again an apologetic look, gesturing to his family members lining the pews. “But you’re terrible to her.”

Then, he turned to Ella and the rest of the world fell away. “I didn’t say something sooner because I didn’t want you thinking I was just saying it because I love you, but you shouldn’t settle. You’re too good for that,” Chris told her, the sound of his heart beating in his ears drowning out the grandmother gasps and aunts chittering from the crowd. As far as he was concerned, it was just the two of them, and she didn’t even have to ask for him to show her his soul now. “You deserve someone to dance in the kitchen to old 50’s records with when you’ve had a bad day,” he said, recalling the time they drank too much time and did and she cried because Jessie wouldn’t. “You deserve someone who makes you breakfast in the morning,” he continued, remembering the time he made her pancakes after they fell asleep watching movies and the apologetic shock she had surprised him even more than she was over the simple kindness. “You deserve someone who loves you and treats you like it. You deserve the world, the sun, and all the stars and he isn’t willing to even give himself to you. I’m letting you know, this is your last opportunity out if you want one,” Chris finished without realizing how his volume grew with his passion, suddenly feeling the weight of hundreds of eyes boring into him.

Jessie didn’t say anything, silenced by his shell shock, and neither did Ella. She simply grinned with her mouth, her eyes, her entire being and extended her hand to Chris who took it in his, lacing their fingers together. Shedding the guilt he’d been carrying for months like a coat when you come home from the cold, Chris and Ella made their way down the aisle together. Without looking back, they hopped in Chris’s car and drove away, fueled by the kind of exhilaration that could only come from leaving someone at the altar.

They drove and drove until they stopped for ice cream. By then it was dark and they decided to keep driving until they left the city, went past the suburbs, and found themselves in a field so in the middle of nowhere it was like you could see more stars than all the city lights there were in Boston. Ella threw her heels in the back and kicked her feet up on the dash, sucking her spoon clean before saying the first thing in hours. “Did you really mean what you said?” she asked as if what he said hadn’t been said in front of every member of her family and all of her friends before she ditched her wedding. “Of course. All of it,” Chris reassured her, though he wasn’t sure of exactly what part Ella was questioning. “Even the part about loving me?” Her words hung in the air between them, but not in a suffocating kind of way. Chris turned to look at her, but she was still staring at the moon through his sunroof. “Especially that part.” She nodded contemplatively before turning to him with the spoon still in her mouth, held between her smile. “That’s really good,” she paused to kiss him. It was a quick, stolen kiss, but still everything he’d been fantasizing about for months and then some. The kind of kiss that left his head spinning so fast Chris was surprised he caught what she said next. “Because I think I just might love you too.”