#or... maybe... pay attention? Look? do literally anything else than blame it on my mom every time you cant find something?

[angeltrapz]

has my dad ever considered that the reason I feel the need to defend my family members from him is bc he constantly attacks them AND ME when its utterly unwarrented

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

[softtamaki]

it’s gonna be okay

summary: your best friend would always make you feel loved and comforted and tonight was nothing different.

pairing: izuku midoriya x reader

genre: angst / fluff

word count: 2k

warnings: mean mom ;; it’s not too specific about why

a/n: requested by @lavenderbutton05 and i hope you like it :)

© 2021 by softtamaki

so !!

currently there’s a lot of things that have been happening recently

some good :D

some bad >:(

but either way you’ve always had your best friend to cheer you up

that’s right izuku midoriya is your best friend!! but even that has a sour taste in your mouth since recently, you two have been very touchy

and technically katsuki bakugou is also your bff but like don’t tell anyone that because he gets REALLY angry

for legit no reason too

it’s not like you have friday 4pm solely dedicated towards going to your favorite shop and eating food

(you totally do but if ANYONE — even izuku — knew, goodbye free sweets hello angry bakugou)

back to the point

midoriya confessed to you a week ago but ran off before you could say it back, eventually you did tell him

the two of you are taking it really slowly and don’t have any labels (yet)

but midoriya has always managed to keep you on your toes

no like ,, literally

“come on, y/n. you got this!”

“izuku i swear to all might, are you trying to kill me?”

midoriya sighed and his hands went back to the side of his body

he was trying to get you outside

while trying not to get super flustered at using his first name (even though you’ve used it a million times)

he wants to know what’s bothering of late, you’re being secretive and generally dismissive and it’s making him worried

“just, trust me? i’ll catch you!”

currently, you were on the railing of the girls UA dorm building and midoriya was on the floor underneath

your regeneration quirk wouldn’t be that useful in this situation so you’re grateful that you’ve been training in different martial arts

aikido would be very helpful in this situation since it would be best at helping you get down gracefully

you jump down the railing and land on the flat ground with a loud slap due to the sandals you had on

it was too hot for shoes! slippers are much better for the fast approaching summer time

“so.. where are we going?”

“somewhere nice, a breath of fresh air. i-is that okay?”

you smiled and nodded your head, gesturing midoriya to continue forward

he led you for a few minutes in silence, it was a comfortable silence

you weren’t going far, or you know aizawa would get mad, but far enough to get away from the dorms and breathe

you talked about your internships and the way the league of villains had been acting up recently

the topic eventually led to your friends and when you were ranting about denki not paying attention during class, midoriya suddenly stopped

“yeah and he always asks me later about what we learned despite being there! it’s like he forgets everything.. oh are we here?”

“yeah, just a little over to the side. don’t get to annoyed at him though, i’m sure he means the best”

“yeah, yeah, i know”

you two stop at a bench and sit down

looking up you see the blurry sky, hazy from the light pollution of the city lights you see down below

it was pretty and it made you think about how small you really are

midoriya was a little upset that it wasn’t as starry of a night as he had predicted but that would be a later concern, right now you were the priority (you always were to him)

“y/n, is..is something wrong?”

“hm? what do you mean?”

“you’ve been awfully quiet during class. plus, at lunch when kacchan told denki to shut up, you didn’t even say anything..”

“should..i have said something?”

“i m-mean kacchan never means what he says but you usually do. plus you’re usually more up for this sort of thing and yet you were so hesitant..”

“can you blame me? did you hear about how many villains are—”

“okay! i get it.”

midoriya abruptly starts, upset that you’re still denying the fact that something is wrong

you had every right to not tell him but he feels this might be a ‘i-don’t-want-to-burden-others’ type of thing more than ‘it’s-none-of-your-business’ thing

but you’re not responding so maybe he was wrong? he looks up to your face and his heart cracks

you’re frowning and eyes are watering, like you just got bullied

“oh shoot, i didn’t mean-“

“i’ve just been so.. lost lately”

midoriya stops and looks softly at you

your hands are quivering at this point and so midoriya brushes his fingers against them

you can feel the gentleness of his touch and don’t retract your hand

instead, you crave it and slowly make a move to grab his fingers

he blushes and looks away, trying not to tear up at the sweet gesture

“other than villains and the internship, school has been hectic. i can’t seem to catch a break!”

“mhm, i feel you. it’s like everyone’s trying to make it our last year here.”

you laugh and nod

“plus! aizawa is letting us go on our first missions next month, like i know it’s just a practice mission but wow time has flown so fast..”

your smile slowly fades and you steel your jaw to not let your facade fall

“..and things at home aren’t that great either”

there it is

midoriya stops looking at the city lights and sees you rubbing your arm in hesitation

“take your time, don’t worry it’s okay.”

“my mom’s been really rude lately”

“you don’t have to say anything y/n”

“oh i know it’s just, i want to? if that’s okay.”

“of course, continue. i’m here for you”

“well you know me and i recently told m-my mother who i was and she didn’t have a great reaction..”

“oh y/n, i’m- i’m so sorry.”

“it hurts you know? like my mom is supposed to be the one person who supports me no matter what but now.. now she’s being so mean and i don’t know what to think anymore..”

midoriya looks down at your hand that’s now tightly clasped around his, and instead of getting nervous, he holds yours back with the same strength

when he looks back up, you’re crying and his heart shatters completely

he doesn’t like seeing you sad and knowing that someone hurt you like this makes him so angry

taking a deep breath, midoriya brings his other hand to your waist and pushes you into his chest

after a small yelp, you’re now hugging and sitting in midoriya’s lap

his sweater is probably going to be damp with the tear stain but with his hands quietly patting and rubbing your back, you don’t seem to care

“she thinks she’s known me but she really doesn’t. she thinks i’m lying about it.”

“lying? you would never lie about something like this.”

“right? is like you’re the only over who actually pays attention to me.”

you remove yourself from the crook of his neck and look up to your best friend/more than a friend/boyfriend

the person that’s been there since day 1 and has always been supporting everything you are and do

you’ve never felt scared or lonely knowing that he’s right there next to you

midoriya looks at you like you’re the only person in the world

like the stars in the sky are in your eyes and can tell him how wonderfully excited you get when fighting or practicing

but now your soft cheeks are damp and he doesn’t want his favorite person in the world to be crying

he slowly brushes your tears away, fighting back his own tears by seeing you in pain

the two of you just sit and bask in each other’s presence

“you’re safe with me.”

you try to push down the words that are lumped in your throat from his comfort, but you can’t

“izuku, i love you.”

“i love you too, y/n. everything going to be alright.”

he smiles wide and you can’t stop the grin from rising to your lips

he takes your cheeks into his hands and slowly pecks your forehead

he’s also blushing like crazy and you can vaguely feel his body shaking

you grin, and with a leap of faith you kiss his cheek and he almost combusts

“y/n! i-i’m supposed to be making you happy- not the other way around.”

“you do make me happy! this makes me happy izuku!”

you’ve completely lost him

he’s half contemplating if he should bury his head into your shoulder but the short sleeved shirt you’re wearing makes him surprised

his mood instantly changes and he’s setting you down next to him on the bench before you can even register it

you’re pouting and he’s got half the heart to kiss you again but (your) health comes first

so he takes off his blue hoodie and gently says “up”

now you’re flustered because “oh-my-god-he’s-giving-me-his-hoodie”

he pushes it down on you and you’re already liking the super soft material

he’s looking at your smile and he can’t help but tear up a little and goes to hug you tightly

at this point you’re never going to get tired or used to midoriya having his strong arms around you, it’s heaven

but you can feel him shaking and you’re worried now

“izuku? is something wrong?”

“no! no, it’s fine i-it’s just..your mom sucks..and you don’t deserve this, you know? you deserve everything in the world and i wish i could give it to you and not let anyone make you cry.”

“oh..you think i deserve the world?”

“no,”

you’re confused and he takes his head of your shoulder and looks down at you

“you deserve more than the world. and you definitely deserve people who build you up and love you, not hurt you like this.”

midoriya wonders if your smile from his words is the brightest thing he’ll ever see, and even when the sun comes up and he’s still holding you and talking, he’s proven right

“you’re really cheesy..”

he smiles with his eyes closed and his freckles are shining in the moonlight

“you make me really cheesy y/n.”

the two of you hug for longer, in the cold night but the comfort radiating off of him makes you warm

he lifts his head up,

“um, can i kiss you?”

the look you give him makes his heart do somersaults and he’s trying not to die just looking at you

you nod your head and with a vocalized yes and he dips in to capture your lips

it distracts you from the lulling pain in your heart and you’re happy for it

as much as you think you can talk about what’s bothering you for longer, you really just needed something else

you two separate and you fall into his chest and when you snuggle up beside him, he’s about to fall apart

the rest of the night, midoriya talks about anything and everything, trying to distract you and tell you that he loves you and everything will be okay

he never makes it seem that he’s upset or minds doing this and always makes you feel loved and comfy

patting your head and rubbing your back, you slowly fall asleep to his loving words and he keeps on holding you until the sun rises

instead of waking you up, he decides to carry you (he doesn’t even need his quirk because to him, you’re soft and as light as a feather)

he doesn’t know how he didn’t get in trouble when he opened the door to your dorm and set you in your bed

or when he was tucking you in and kissing your forehead goodnight

or when he kept sitting next to you, thinking about how much he wanted to cuddle you and take all your fears away

he ultimately said “screw it” and decided cuddles were more important

any teasing from your friends and an annoyed kacchan saying “finally deku!” tomorrow would all worth it when you shifted in your sleep and cuddled into izuku’s chest

the i love you’s you exchanged made everything okay and you were so happy to know that your best friend would always be at your side

it’s gonna be okay

[kkusuka]

Third year songs <3

this is most of the thrid years- not all 

from my spotify liked playlist <3

comes with a side of slight character analysis 

These are my interpretations of HQ characters and these songs!!

Time-skip spoilers!! (very slight) 

---

Karasuno 

Daichi Sawamura

 Waiting for Superman- Daughtry

She's waiting for Superman

To lift her up

And take her anywhere

Show her love

And climbing through the air

Save her now

Before it's too late tonight

She's waiting for Superman

Daichi seems like he makes a  lot of promises, that he just can’t physically keep. He just has so many things going on that he just can’t pay attention to all of them at once. This leads to far too many forgotten dates and even more broken promises. You know its not his fault and he does too, he just can’t leave anyone hanging. 

Koushi Sugawara

 Island- Florida Georgia Line

We might as well be on an island

Like we're the last two on this Earth

Like we're frozen here in time

Like it's empty here tonight

I feel like suga likes to put himself back into happier times. And that he tries to hold into happy moments as they are happening. He says he is a man of the moment, but when he feels down, he tries to put himself back into the more joyous times. 

Asahi Azumane 

You say- Lauren Daigle 

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

And you say I am held when I am falling short

And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours

And I believe (I)

Oh, I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

Asahi is clearly very attached to how people perceive him. So when people shower him with compliments, he attaches onto them. He likes what makes him comfortable and he wants to stay comfortable for as long as he can. Words are important to him, so when he hears something bad it can ruin him for a while. He really does believe what the people he loves say to him. 

Kiyoko Shimizu

 Mothers daughter- Miley Cyrus 

Oh my gosh, she got the power

Oh, look at her, she got the power

So, so, so

…

Must be something in the water

Or that I'm my mother's daughter

The power this woman carries. She’s built her confidence and she’s not letting anyone ruin it for her. I truly believe that her friends all become more confident because she wants everyone around her to feel confident too. Since she doesn't speak all that much she lets her body language do most of the expression. 

--

Nekoma 

Tetsurō Kuroo

 High school sweethearts- Melanie Martinez 

Could you hold me through the night?

Put your lips all over my mine

Salty face when I start cryin'

Could you be my first time?

Eat me up like apple pie

Kuroo definitely takes trust very seriously. I feel he’s also really scared of someone breaking this trust, so he does form it with a lot of people. That saying if he does, he wants it to last forever.

 (...Step twoThis is a waste if you can't walk me down the finish line…) 

He truly believes in the people he surrounds himself with. 

Nobuyuki Kai 

Kill the Lights- Set it Off

Now I am cutting ties clean off

And I can breathe at last

So we all stand enthralled by this bland curtain call

And the truth we pursue as we all, we all beg you to

 Kai seems like he wasn't really that invested in volleyball, so having all these passionate people around him was a shock.  But he really got into third year, and he wants people to feel that passion too. In the back of his mind he feels bad for not feeling it like the rest of the team, but since looking in the past means nothing now, he tries to move on. 

Morisuke Yaku

 Mama- Mcr

And when we go don't blame us, yeah

We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah

You made us oh so famous;

We'll never let you go

And when you go don't return to me my love

I mean, he is part of the mom squad. But it's ever so slightly more deep. I’m gonna say it's momma-bird syndrome. He doesn't want people to move on without him, seeing people achieve their dreams is great but he doesn't want you to do it if that means loving him. 

--

Seijoh

Tōru Oikawa

Prom Queen- Beach Bunny

Maybe I should try harder

You should lower your expectations

I'm no quick-curl barbie

I was never cut out for prom queen

I feel like oikawa is constantly feeling like he has to catch up to everyone around him. At some point in Argentina he came to the conclusion that he was good enough and didn't need to rise to anyone's standards of him, but when he got picked for the national team everything came back. He still has all of those feelings from high-school. Never making it to nationals, feeling like he failed his team. 

Issei Matsukawa

Bubblegum Bitch- Marina and the diamonds 

Got a figure like a pin-up, got a figure like a doll

Don't care if you think I'm dumb, I don't care at all

Candy bear, sweetie pie, wanna be adored

I'm the girl you'd die for

I feel like to earn Mattsun’s trust, he would put you through some ridiculous trial of sorts. I also feel that he is very comfortable with who he is, and he takes no shit about it. But that comes with the fact that he rarely takes fault in things, and that sparks arguments. He’ll use your love for him against you, he’ll be as cold as he can muster, until YOU take fault. 

Takahiro Hanamaki

 OUT THE ROOF- Chase Atlantic 

Yeah, we stay lit

We fuck bitches, pop on pillies, that is it, yeah

Holy moly, holy shit, yeah

Me and all my people are heaven sent, yeah, yup

9this is a strait vibe for Makki) 

I feel like Makki drowns his problems out with meaningless activities. Like smoking or one-night stands. He’d rather drown out his problems then have them in his  face. Or when he’s forced to face them, he’ll deflect until he has nothing else to deflect. Because when you’re high there nothing to worry about! Why stress about meaningless problems when he can be having fun!  

Hajime Iwaizumi

 Endlessly- The Cab

Yeah, your friends may think I'm crazy

Cause they can only see

I'm not perfect, but I swear, I'm perfect for you.

And there's no guarantee

That this will be easy.

It's not a miracle you need, believe me.

Yeah, I'm no angel, I'm just me

But I will love you endlessly.

Iwa knows that he can't be there for you all the time. Physically he tries his best, mentally he can help when he can. But you both know that you're perfect for one another. He just can't help but listen to the people around him sometimes. You deserve the world, but he doesn't know if he can give that to you. 

--

Fukurodani

Kōtarō Bokuto 

Prima Donna- Andrew Lloyd Webber 

Can you bow out when they're shouting your name?

Think of how they all adore you

We’ve all seen how Bokuto gets what he’s praised for literally anything remotely impressive. So that makes him a cannon prima donna! but that also means the lows and really bad mood swings. This song just fits him so well it’s scary.  

-- 

Shiratorizawa

Wakatoshi Ushijim

 More- Usher 

If you really want more, scream it out louder,

If you on the floor, bring out the fire,

And light it up, take it up higher,

Gotta push it to the limit, give it more.

This seems kinda obvious, but Ushijima never gives up. Ever since he was a kid, he set a goal for himself and he went beyond what he even set out for. And that comes with a lot of work and training for every new level of volleyball. He’s just going to get better and better until he retires, or is forced to retire. 

Eita Semi

 strawberries and cigarettes- troye sivan

Long nights, daydreams

Sugar and smoke rings, I've been a fool

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

Headlights, on me

Racing to 60, I've been a fool

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like

Blue eyes, black jeans

Lighters and candy, I've been a fool

But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

I feel like semi always thinks about how Shirabu replaced him on the starting line-up. But he’s mostly gotten over it, but certain things bring him back into that stage of his life. Then the cycle starts all over again. He constantly looks back on the game against Karasuno and thinks about wat would have happened if he was the setter instead. 

Reon Ōhira

 Remember when- Chris Wallace 

So can we push push push rewind,

Go go back in time,

When we were kids sneaking bottles of wine,

Take take take me back, I wanna go back,

Back to what we had! Do you remember when we started this mess,

My heart was beating out of my chest!,

Remember when we stole your dad's car,

Reon gives me the vibe that his days at Shiratorizawa were some of the best of his life. How can they not be? He made the greatest friends of his life there. And I also feel like he looks back on them a bit more than he wants to admit.

Satori Tendō

 This Side of Paradise- Coyote theory

Are you lonely?

Passion is crashing as we speak

You seem so lonely

You're the ground my feet won't reach

So if you're lonely

Darling you're glowing

If you're lonely come be lonely with me.

I get the vibe that Tendou attaches himself to whatever makes him feel wanted/safe. (ex. volleyball) he knows it isn't healthy, but he can't help it. This does lead to him completely distancing himself from you over and over because he thinks you’ll leave him. 

Hayato Yamagata- House of gold- Twenty one Pilots 

I will make you

Queen of everything you see

I'll put you on the map

I'll cure you of disease (Ooh)

And since we know that dreams are dead

And life turns plans up on their head

I will plan to be a bum

So I just might become someone

Even though we don't see a lot of him, I get the feeling he treats people really well. Like he cherishes people a lot more than some of them deserve. As you can see this leads to some unfair relationships and toxic people. He just wants to hold on until a good person comes along. 

--

Nohebi 

Suguru Daishō

Mr Loverman - Ricky Montgomery 

I'm Mr. Loverman

And I miss my lover, man

I'm Mr. Loverman

Oh, and I miss my lover

I feel like this was way too obvious, but it really is his song. It’s literally cannon, every lyric in this song is what happened with Mika. but in the end he got her back and made his promise  to be a better loverman <3. 

Kazuma Numai

 Nonstop- Drake 

Future took the business and ran it for me

I let Ollie take the owl, told him brand it for me

I get two million a pop and that's standard for me

Like I went blind dog, you gotta hand it to me

He looks and acts like a guy who listens to drake. He just seems like a guy who won't stop or give up even when things take a turn. He’ll just keep fighting until nothing’s left. 

Kōji Hiroo

 At the Wheel- Colorblind 

I need something to wake me up

It's never strong enough

I'm just getting colder and starting over

Going numb is just the way I run from

All my problems when I can't solve them

Need to break away

Escape the way I'm feeling

Hate to be fake, but I'm just dealing

This one doesn't really have a true reason, i really just felt like this was his song.  Sorry just the vibe. 

;)

Inarizaki

Shinsuke Kita

 Oh Ms Believer- twenty one pilots 

Oh, Ms. Believer, my pretty sleeper

Your twisted mind is like snow on the road

Your shaking shoulders prove that it's colder

Inside your head than the winter of dead

I will tell you I love you

But the muffs on your ears will cater your fears

My nose and feet are running as we start

To travel through snow

Together we go

I feel like kita is unintentionally cold towards the world, like he wants to open up but can't figure out how. But in turn if you can get him to feel “warmer” (get closer to him) he’ll share everything with you, almost oversharing. Just because he can't help it, he’s kept it all in for so long. Sometimes he just needs someone to hold him and make HIM feel better, because he does it for everyone. If you can manage all of this i feel like he’ll keep you with him forever. 

Ren Ōmimi

 Armor- Landon Austin

I'm not bullet proof when it comes to you

Don't know what to say when you made me the enemy

After the war is won

There's always the next one

I'm not bullet proof when it comes to you

I feel like not a lot of people approach ren because of how intimidating he looks. This has made him weary when people are really enthused to first meet him, because he thinks it’s a joke. After getting over that hurdle i feel like he just isn't an open person so it’ll take a long time to even get to a point where he trusts you. Hence the other wars after the first. 

Aran Ojiro-

 Never really over- Katy perry

Two years, and just like that, my head still takes me back

Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over

Oh, we were such a mess, but wasn't it the best?

Thought it was done, but I guess it's never really over

Just because it's over doesn't mean it's really over

And if I think it over, maybe you'll be coming over again

And I'll have to get over you all over again

After all of these years, I really don't think Aran has truly gotten over losing at nationals in third year. And now on the national team he sees Hinata and Kageyama all the time and it takes him back. It makes him re-feel all the emotions he felt after the game. It hurt him to know that he gave his everything and still lost.  Like when he’s in bed he puts himself back into that self loathing phase of his life. 

Michinari Akagi

Try Hard - 5sos

It's obvious she’s so out of reach

And I'm finding it hard 'cause

She makes me feel, makes me feel

Like I try, like I try, like I'm trying too hard

'Cause I'm not being me

And it’s getting me down that

She makes me think, makes me think

That I try, that I try, that I'm trying too hard again

Akagi gives off boy best friend vibes.  But like to EVERYONE, so the person he liked just thought he was making fun of them and he didn't like them back. And i feel like that kinda traumatized him a bit, so when he got a new s/o he tried really really hard to make them special, but the same thing happened. 

i may do some with the second and first years, idk this took so long :)

[justasimplesinner]

Hey, I’ve just spent my day admiring your blog... and seeing as requests are open I was wondering what you thought about the dork squad having a much younger, super caring fem s/o. Would it change anything in how they act with them publicly, intimately? Idk it’s vague so please go wild! I’m so down for anything you write!

i'm gonna make this more gender neutral so everyone can enjoy darl, hope you dont mind! gays and theys deserve to read some fanfiction too!

and yet again, gonna need to skip jervis

Jonathan with a very caring s/o hcs:

he is... not used to being taken care of. hell, he's not even used to taking care of himself. and quite honestly, you're the best fucking thing that ever happened to him. not that he'd ever admit it tho smh

you're just always so... gentle. and you pay so much attention to him and his needs. you never push. you always know when, where and how to soothe him. you always bring him food and coffee and insist on making him drink water. you massage his shoulders whenever he's been working for too long. it feels... weird. surreal. he will probably never get used to it

sometimes, he gets really flustered by you. here you are, a little ray of fucking sunshine, making sure he has a scarf and a warm hat on him, fixing it all for him, styling, patting his cheek like you were his parent. you have to fucking stand on your toes to even reach his neck properly, and yet he feels so small with you. and the amount of respect he harbors for you is immeasurable

Jon has never felt the need to ever explain himself to someone, never felt shame at getting caught redhanded in doing something illegal or whatever the fuck, but all it takes is a single look from you and he's spilling the beans, even looking bashful while doing it. you just have that effect on him

he is not going to lie, he does get self-conscious because of the age gap. he's an old cynic, you're young and so full of love, and not only does your relationship sometimes look like the parent-child dynamic in the most unexpected ways (i mean cmon, the rogues were shocked to see how you've tamed him), but sometimes it's just... hard to keep up. and it gets annoying, always being stared at - for a very different reason this time - whenever he walks hand in hand with you, and the whispers really get to him sometimes. even he can't comprehend what the hell are you doing with an old fuck like him

honestly? the first few times it happened, he had ceased showing you any and all affection in public completely. he didn't hold your arm/hand/waist, he walked a small distance away from you, he used the same cold tone he used for everyone else. it wasn't just because he himself was embarassed (and he hasn't given a shit for public opinion in years), but he was afraid that the whispers might get to you. maybe even... make you realize how you're wasting your life with him. he will need some reassurance from you to even consider showing your relationship to the public. he doesn't give a shit that people are going to point fingers at him, he gives a shit that they will do so at you and he'd hate it if you started developing some insecurities because of that or started considering... leaving him. he knows you probably should but he... so doesn't fucking want you to. it might be selfish, but he so doesn't want to fucking let you go. ever.

Edward with a very caring s/o hcs:

this man is just one big fucking baby, you two will get along very well. you complete each other. ying yang and shit. and he honestly needs you in his life. he needs someone to take care of him, he needs someone to love him like you do. it might not seem so at first glance, but he is practically unable to do that himself. he will never take care of himself like you care for him, he will never love himself like you love him

when you just came into his life and started cooking him decent meals, spoiling him with affection, listening to him, just overall taking care of him, he felt the need to cling to you like his life depended on it. you had him hooked immediately

but there's also this little thing...s. like... parental issues... trust issues... y'know, the usual. it's just... you felt so much like a parent sometimes, and he's used to parents aka the people that were supposed to love him abusing their power over him and belittling him. so, accepting the fact that he loved you and you might love him was a very long and tiring process. and then one time you just hugged him to you after supplying him with the best soup he's ever fucking had, he just curled into a ball in your arms, telling you that he loved you and... asking you not to hate him because of that. it was the most fucking heartbreaking thing because it actually felt like holding a hurt, abused and neglected child in your arms

has called you 'Mom' on more than one occassion, regardless of your gender (he'd never call you Dad. it feels like an insult to him) and got very embarassed because of it. honestly, he often gets hella embarassed whenever you do something for him, like fix his collar or pat his cheek. but every time he sees you like, folding his clothes maybe, just doing normal, domestic things and taking care of him, he's got this dopey smile on his red face as he all but stares at you with love-filled eyes

it does feel... weird sometimes. he feels kind of... creepy. you're younger than him, and yet you're the mother-hen, you're the mature one (though he won't admit that, ever) and it almost makes him feel incompetent. because he literally needs you to take care of him since he so often can't even do that himself. he doesn't blame you at all, of course. at first he did, and he threw a huge tantrum over it, many insults were directed at you but your god-like patience made you just suffer through it, comfort him and have a serious talk about the whole thing

and don't even get me started on the stares/whispers directed at you two in public. they really fucking get to him and they make him feel so self-conscious, and are making him doubt your whole relationship. but most of all, he's fucking terrified you will leave him because of that. because of what the people are saying. because he's older and has problems with keeping up sometimes. but every last one of his doubts is swept away whenever you just slide your hand into his or hug him around the waist. fuck it, you kiss him in public, you hug him in public, you call him 'darling' in public - you're not ashamed of your love for him at all, so why would he doubt you? he still does tho, he's so just fucking insecure this man

[the-most-slytherin-hufflepuff]

Chapter 7

It has been scientifically proven by no one that writer’s block sucks. I hate it, but i managed to finish this chapter so I guess it’s ok. Credit for the characters goes to @lumosinlove. The idea came from @heyitssmiller and her anons. I hope you enjoy the chapter. 

Masterlist the flower that literally no one asked for

Finn smiled fondly when they saw Leo hiding behind one of the trees. Katie came running up to them and tapped their leg to get Finn’s attention. “Have you seen Leo?”

They pretended to think about it. Katie had been trying to find Leo for at least ten minutes, but every time she came close to finding him he sneaked away.

“Sorry sweetheart, I haven’t”. Her face fell slightly, “maybe Lo has seen him.” Katie smiled up at them before running to where Logan was talking with June and Adele.

Finn walked to where they had seen Leo hiding. They were looking at Katie to make sure she wouldn’t accidentally see them. “Nice hiding spot.”

Leo jumped a little, a small noise of surprise leaving his lips. He turned around and glared at Finn, hitting them on the shoulder lightly. “Don’t scare me like that.” Finn laughed at Leo’s glare.

Leo shushed them harshly, he looked back to make sure Katie was still looking for him. Finn lifted their hands in mock surrender and backed away slowly. “Sorry”, they whispered.

They could hear Katie’s giggles as she ran to where Leo was hiding, but he and Finn weren’t paying attention to her anymore. Leo felt her hug his leg from the side, “I found you!”

“Damn”, he whispered. “How did you find me?” He said loud enough for her to hear him.

“Logan told me where you were.”

Leo saw Logan wave at him with an innocent smile on his face. Leo sent him a mock glare that made Logan laugh.

“Did he now?” Katie nodded in response before turning around and running inside the house.

He started walking towards Logan, Finn following behind him. Leo sat down besides June, crossing his arms and pouting at Logan. “Why did you tell her where I was?”

Logan shrugged before answering. “You try saying no to that kid. It’s impossible.” Both June and Finn nodded in agreement while Adele just rolled her eyes. “No it’s not Logan”, she began, “you are just weak.”

Logan made a sound of indignation. “Have you ever told her no?” he challenged.

“Yes Logan.” She said it like it was the most obvious thing ever. “It’s really not that hard. Mom does it all the time.”

Logan sighed in defeat. “Yeah, you’re right.” He hung his head in shame. “I’m weak.”

Logan lifted his head up when he heard Celeste calling them inside for lunch. Leo really liked Celeste, she was kind and gentle with him. He had been nervous to meet her, even though deep down he knew she wouldn’t be like Walburga his brain still found a million and one reasons to worry.

They got up and went inside. June sat between Adele and Katie who was sat besides Marc while Leo, Finn, and Logan sat opposite to them with Pascal and Celeste sat at either ends of the table.

“What are you three doing today?” Celeste had taken to asking about all three of them instead of just Finn and Logan. The two had rarely left Leo’s side since they had arrived anyway.

“We were planning on taking Leo to see the town.”

Leo turned away from his conversation with June when he heard Logan mention his name. “Wait”, he looked between Finn and Logan, “really?”

Finn smiled softly at his childlike enthusiasm. “Yeah, I mean only if you want to.”

“Of course I want to”, he was practically bouncing out of his seat from excitement.

“Can we braid your hair again?” Katie asked Leo with a pleading look in her eyes. Logan was right, Leo thought, saying no to her was hard. “Sure thing Katie”

After lunch Katie, Adele, and Marc took Leo away to Logan’s and Finn’s room. The girls sat him down on the bed he had been sleeping on the past few days while Marc went to get some flowers to decorate the braid. Leo picked up a book to read while the girls worked, the three of them settling into a comfortable silence.

Adele parted his hair in the middle, handing half of it to Katie so that she could begin her braid. When Marc got back he dumped a bunch of multicolored flowers at the foot of the bed and began carefully putting them into the braids that Katie and Adele had made. He placed the flowers where the braids were separate, stopping where the two braids turned into a single one, making it look like Leo was wearing a yellow and blue halo.

Leo looked up from his book when he heard knocking. “Who is it?” Katie yelled from behind him.

“It's Logan.” His reply was muffled by the door. “Can I come in?”

“No”, answered Adele.

“Why not?”, this time it was Finn’s voice that came through.

“Because”, Katie said in a condescending tone, “you’re gonna ruin the surprise.”

Leo heard who he suspected to be Logan groan, a small thud followed by the sound of someone sliding down the door making him chuckle. He felt Katie smothering her giggles on the back of his shirt. He was beginning to think she just liked to annoy Logan like any good sister should.

Adele gasped dramatically. “Something's missing.” Leo stared at her dumbly.

“What?” He asked.

“I got it!” Leo did not like the mischievous glint in her eyes. She got off of the bed and walked toward Logan’s wardrobe, Leo’s eyes went wide when he realized what she was doing.

“No.” He said bluntly.

She ignored him, taking one of Logan’s worn long sleeved jackets. “Adele”, she looked at him, “I can’t wear Logan’s clothes”.

“Why not?”

“Because they won’t fit”. That wasn’t the real reason, but it was as good of an excuse as any he could’ve come up with right then and there.

“Oh don’t worry about that, this one is actually a jacket he stole from Finn”, she gave him a smile, “it should fit just fine.” She tried to make herself sound innocent, Leo didn’t know what she was trying to do, he didn’t want to know either. He just knew she didn’t look, nor did she sound, the least bit innocent.

Leo sighed, he wasn’t getting out of this one. Either he admitted to the feelings he knew he shouldn’t be feeling right now or he agreed to her making him wear the jacket. “Fine”, he said, “I’ll wear it. But if Logan gets mad at me for putting it on I’m blaming you.”

“And I’ll throw the blame on Katie, he won’t say anything to her.” Leo saw Katie nod, a feeling of dread building in his stomach. “The two of you are a menace.” He saw Adele smirk and Katie looking proud of herself.

“Can we show Finn and Logan now?” Katie nodded at Marc’s question, getting off the bed and walking towards the door. Leo, Adele, and Marc following after her. Leo put a hand on her shoulder, a grin pulling at the corner of his lips. She moved out of the way so that Leo could open the door.

Leo opened the door abruptly. Logan fell through, the wood no longer supporting him. He looked up at Leo and froze, if he hadn’t already decided that Leo was the most gorgeous man he had ever seen this definitely confirmed it for him. “Hey”, he tried to make it sound like a complaint, he failed.

Finn’s hands were covering their face as they tried to stop their laughter. When they managed to get it under control they offered a hand to Logan so he could sit up. He took it, grateful to have something to look at that wasn’t Leo.

Leo with flowers in his hair. Leo who was wearing his jacket that was actually Finn’s jacket. Leo with his pink cheeks and dimples and eyes shining with mirth.

Logan looked at Finn for a moment. He noticed the moment they looked at Leo, he wouldn’t have caught it if he wasn’t sitting so close to them. He saw Finn swallow, heard their breath hitch, Finn’s fingers tightening around his hand. Finn’s eyes met his for a moment, and Logan knew they were thinking the same thing he had.

“Is that my jacket”, was the first thing Finn said.

Logan saw Leo blush, he didn’t think Leo could get any prettier. “Y-Yes”. Leo’s nervousness made Logan melt a little. He thought maybe he shouldn’t be so in love with someone he had known for such a short time, but who was going to stop him anyway.

“It looks good on you”, Finn said. “It actually, you know, fits”. They gave Logan a pointed look. To anyone else it would seem like they were making fun of how big the jacket was on Logan, but he knew better. Leo wearing the jacket that belonged to Finn, but Logan usually wore, made sense. The same way their love for him and each other made sense to Logan and Finn.

“Thanks”. Leo fidgeted with the sleeves. “It was Adele’s idea.”

Of course it had been her idea. She gave Logan a knowing look. Adele always knew them too well. She was the one that helped Logan realize his feelings for Finn. She was the one that Finn first told about how they weren’t really a boy, but they weren’t a girl either. She had been the one that helped Finn feel comfortable enough to tell everyone. It was always Adele, and now Katie, if the smug look she was giving them was any indication.

“Can we take Leo to town now or do you plan to kidnap him again”. Finn looked at Katie for an answer. She pretended to think about it before answering, “you can have him, but I’m gonna need him back tomorrow.”

“Why?” Logan asked.

“Because he promised to teach me how to paint the sky. June is better at faces than landscapes.”

Logan nodded. He and Finn stood up from the ground and looked at Leo, he still had a small blush on his face.

“Come on”, Logan said softly, “if we leave now we can be back just in time for Celeste to not kill us from being late to dinner.”

Leo laughed lightly. People might think it was Pascal they should be worried about, but after meeting both of them he realized Pascal spoiled every single one of his kids. Celeste did too, but she also preferred to know where all her kids were at all times and her worry for them was usually masked under a mix of mock anger and amusement.

When they reached the living room they saw June talking with Celeste and Pascal. Katie ran up to him and tugged at his sleeve. He picked her up and looked at the others. “Heading out I suppose.”

Celeste turned away from her conversation to look at them. “Don’t disappear for three days again.”

After reassuring Celeste that they wouldn’t disappear again and picking up the bag with the stolen crown they headed out. Leo had almost forgotten about it, the crown had always been there but the three of them barely talked about it. Celeste and Pascal had been both angry and proud when Logan told them why they had it. It hadn’t come up since, and Leo had been too distracted to actually care.

“Do you want to return it before or after exploring the town?” Finn asked.

Logan was the one to answer. “Before. Let’s get it over with, I’m kind of getting tired of carrying the bag around.” Leo nodded in agreement. Logan looked about ready to throw the bag over the castle wall and let them deal with it.

They reached the castle gates sooner than Leo had expected. He was glad, they could finally let go of the crown and walk around.

Logan walked up to one of the guards at the castle gates. He had a scar going down his face over one of his icy blue eyes. The guard looked at Logan suspiciously.

“Hello”. Logan sounded nervous. He took the bag that was slung across his back and handed it to the guard. “The stolen crown is in there.”

The guard raised an eyebrow at Logan before opening the bag, his eyes going wide at the golden circlet. “Where did you find this”

“My friend and I, we actually stumbled upon the Carrow twins in the forest, and my friend is an idiot with a hero complex. He decided that we had to do something about it.” Logan sighed, the memory of Finn’s stupid decision almost bringing a smile to his face. Almost.

“So you guys just”, the guard paused, tone disbelieving, “you just took it and ran?”

“Pretty much. We almost lost our heads but it was worth it.”

“You must want some form of compensation for this? So, what's it gonna be?”

“Oh, no. It’s fine really, we don't want anything, just give that back to whoever it belongs to, I guess”. Logan said, scratching the back of his neck.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I don’t even know what we would ask for”.

Logan turned when he heard his name being called. He saw Leo beckoning him over, the viola flowers in his hair making him look almost ethereal.

”That would be my cue to leave”, Logan turned back to the guard before continuing, “have a nice day sir”.

“It’s Jackson, and thank you for returning this”, he said as he lifted the crown up, the metal reflecting the midday sun.

“It was no problem, really”.

Logan walked up to Finn and Leo with a smile on his face. “Where to first?” he asked. He saw Leo’s face brighten up in excitement, “I don’t know. We didn’t really plan this out.”

“We should go to the market, see what we find there.” Finn put their arm around Logan’s shoulders and began walking. “Calling you my friend was the weirdest thing ever.” Logan thought about it for a moment before speaking again, “scratch that, calling you he was the definitely weirder.”

Finn had to laugh at that. Being called he didn’t really sound all that weird, it didn’t feel right but they didn’t really tell anyone they didn’t trust to use their proper pronouns, they were used to being addressed as he. But being called Logan’s friend was definitely laughable. The two of them had never been just friends.

They looked over at Leo. He was looking around at everything, his eyes shining in amazement. The town’s market was filled with people, there was a group playing music and children running around.

Leo turned to look at Logan and Finn with a smile on his face, “This place is amazing.”

They spent the entire afternoon going through all the shops in the market. At one point Leo had started dancing to the music that was being played, everyone had joined him. Seeing Leo being so happy and carefree made Logan smile. It was hard to believe this was the same man that they had met in that tower. By the time the sun had started to set the three of them were headed back home. Leo didn’t know when he had started considering the house home.

He was walking a few steps behind Finn and Logan. The two were talking in low voices about something. Leo wasn’t paying them much attention, he was more interested in the few stars he could see now that the sunlight was dimming.

“Leo.” He heard Finn say his name. He managed to stop himself before crashing into Logan. He hadn’t noticed when they stopped walking.

“Yes?”

“Can we talk to you for a moment?” Logan asked. He kept his tone even but he still noticed Leo tense slightly.

“About what?” Finn didn’t like that Leo sounded scared.

Logan cursed under his breath, “we didn’t really think this one through did we?” He sighed. “We kinda need to talk to you about something important.” He sounded nervous, it put Leo on edge.

“Ok”, Leo’s voice was shaky.

They got closer to Leo. Logan wanted to take his hand, he didn’t. Instead he grabbed Finn’s, they both needed someone to hold onto right now.

“Umm, I don’t really know where to start.” Logan said, his cheeks turning pink.

Finn sighed, there was no easy way of doing this and they had already put Leo on edge. If they kept stalling things would start going wrong.

They took a moment to think about what they were going to say. “We are both kind of maybe falling in love”, they took a deep breath before finishing their sentence, “with you.”

“What?” Leo choked out.

“We both like you”. That was an understatement, Logan thought. “A lot.”

Leo didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think he trusted himself enough to speak anyway.

“Please say something”. If Leo didn’t say something soon Logan was sure he would go crazy.

“You both like me?”

“Yes.” Logan tried to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

“Why?” Leo couldn’t help when his voice broke.

Finn placed their hand on Leo’s cheek gently, they didn’t miss the tears that were gathering in Leo’s eyes. They looked at Leo. Really looked at him for the first time since they had started the conversation. He looked tense, Finn hated it. So they did the only thing they had been thinking of doing every time they looked at Leo.

Leo’s eyes fluttered shut when Finn kissed him a small noise of surprise leaving him. He heard Logan’s breath hitch. He thought maybe he should care more about the fact that he was being kissed by someone who already had a boyfriend, but he didn’t.

Because it felt right. Because he couldn’t imagine being kissed by anyone else and it feeling the same. Because even though Finn already had Logan and Logan had Finn he wanted to have them both. And maybe they both wanted him and maybe that was ok.

When Finn broke the kiss they looked at Leo. His eyes were still closed, but he didn’t look as tense anymore. His eyes opened slowly, almost like he didn’t want them to.

“Is this real?” Leo’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“Very real.” Logan didn’t sound mad. He got closer to Leo.

“You’re not angry?”

“Why would I be angry at you Leo?” Logan got even closer to Leo until their faces were inches apart.

“Because your partner just kissed me and I thought maybe-”

Whatever Leo was going to say was interrupted when Logan kissed him. It was different than Finn. They both kissed differently. Leo liked both, he didn’t know how he could like them both the same for such different reasons but he did.

When they broke the kiss Leo let his head fall to Logan’s shoulder. “You both like me.” It wasn’t really a question, but Logan nodded regardless, arms wrapping around Leo.

“You kissed me.” Again Logan nodded. He didn’t really know what else to do.

Leo felt another pair of arms wrap around him tightly. He felt himself relax, leaning into both of them. He was surprised by how right it felt.

“What now?”

“Will you be our boyfriend?” It was Finn who asked.

“Is that even allowed? Can we love more than one person at once?” Logan didn’t like how small Leo sounded.

“I don’t think love has rules, sweetheart.” Leo smiled at the word. “But even if it did, we clearly don’t care for them.”

“Alright”, Leo said softly, “I’ll be your boyfriend. For as long as you’ll have me.”

Finn kissed Leo’s hair softly because they could now. “Nothing is taking you away from us baby.”

“You promise?” Leo still sounded unbearably small.

“I promise.”

[maximoff-pan]

Realizations | Steve Harrington x Henderson!Reader

Summary: The four times you realize you’re in love with Steve Harrington, and the one time you actually tell him...

Character: Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Fluff (it starts off pretty fluffy and ends that way too....don’t worry y’all, I’m not that cruel), and there’s definitely some good ole angsty angst....because I’m an angsty bitch ;)

Word Count: 4.5 k (Holy moly...I think this is the longest thing I’ve written)

A/n: Okay, so, this wasn’t requested and I’m not sure anyone even wants this, but here we are. I kind of just felt like writing something for Steve again, so I went with the urge...Also, quick side note...but look at this gif. This is kind of (sort of) what I imagine Steve would look like if you told him you were in love with him, just utter shock, but definitely minus the fear...because bby boy doesn’t deserve to be afraid...And then he’d break out into a huge goofy smile, because he loves you back...

i.

It was no secret to anyone that you had a rocky history with Steve Harrington. He was, amongst the teens of Hawkins, the proclaimed ‘King of Hawkins High.’ The King Shit of all King Shits....And you weren’t one to bow down to his monarchy. Truthfully it wasn’t that you hated him, you’re not entirely sure you ever could. Because beneath all the hype, Steve Harrington was just lonely, and slightly broken. Despite the numbers of people that claimed to be his friend, who claimed to dream to be like him, not one of them actually wanted to be with him...the real him anyway. And you could see that better than anyone.

So when all shit broke loose, (quite literally) and you’d been reunited with the Steve Harrington that you’d once been friends with, you accepted him. It was a shock to your system to find your brother asking Steve Harrington of all people for help with the Demogorgons, and even more of a shock when he said yes. But most of all, it surprised you to see how genuinely him he was being with you. No bullshit. No facade. He was just Steve, a guy you happened to go to school with. You will admit, in the beginning he’d been a bit sheepish, apologizing for the way he had treated you in high school, how he’d ditched you for the crown, but then something in him shifted. You saw him smile, watched him laugh. Your little brother was breaking Steve out of his shell, and you were there to help him. And it was entirely breathtaking.

You remember that day clearly, the day you went searching for Dart. Dustin up ahead, bucket of meat in one hand, a walkie talkie in the other, as he curses himself for not paying enough attention to the presumably extra terrestrial creature that had eaten your cat. You lag behind, dragging your feet across the dry dirt floor, littered with leaves, Steve Harrington by your side. It’s a day you’d never forget.

“I know I’ve got a lot of making up to do.” Steve’s voice breaks the silence.

You let out a puff of air in agreement. “Oh?” You implore sarcastically. “What makes you think that?”

“A lot of things.” He replies truthfully, a shame in his tone. “I’ve been-uh...I’ve been an asshole, of royal proportions.” He continues. “And I’m more than ready to give up my crown.”

A laugh bubbles from your throat. Of course he’d refer to his King like status. “Ready to become a mere peasant like the rest of us?”

He nods his head, humming lightly. “I think so.” His voice is quiet...soft. Just like you remember it being.

“You really think you can handle it?” You jest, playfully elbowing him in the arm.

“Oh of course I can.” He replies. “Haven’t you heard? Steve Harrington can handle anything.”

“Anything?” You’re eyes widen jokingly, as a smirk slowly falls upon your features. “I mean, sign me up...This Steve Harrington character sounds hot.”

A laugh breaks through his lips, overtly noticeable. He knows you’re joking, but he can’t help but wish you weren’t. “Anything.” He confirms with a wink.

That had been the first day you’d noticed your affinity for Steve Harrington. It was like a magnet had been placed between the two of you, and even if the attraction on his side, wasn’t entirely there, yours was....and it constantly pulled you towards him, with a smile on your face and a flutter in your stomach. It was at first, very subtle and very slow, but soon, your heart would yearn for him, more than it had yearned for anything or anyone else before.

Nearly everything about Steve seemed to click with you that day. He was just like he once had been...happy. It was something almost unfamiliar to you, something you hadn’t seen in quite some time, but it certainly made you feel things. And that’s something that hadn’t necessarily clicked: those feelings. You didn’t know what they were, or how you should react to them. Because maybe they were nothing, but then again, maybe they weren’t and you were getting yourself into more trouble than you could handle. Maybe they were real...and maybe, just maybe you felt something for Steve Harrington, more than a friend should.

Oh dear, what had you gotten yourself into?

ii.

“Listen up shit heads!” Steve’s stance is so chaotically mom-like it makes you laugh.

Your living room is covered in pillows, blankets, couch cushions, and popcorn. Six young teens loudly shout begrudgingly at Steve, who’s holding the tv remote just out of reach. They’re watching Star Wars: A New Hope, (Mike’s choice), or at least they were before Steve snatched the remote from Dustin’s hand.

“What the fuck Steve?” Dustin snaps at the older teen, and sends him a murderous gaze.

“Language Dusin.” Your voice interrupts Steve’s train of thought.

“As if you fucking care.” Dustin shoots. “You’re just enforcing that rule ‘cause Steve’s here.” He’s right, the little bastard...(and you hate to admit it) but you swear a decent amount yourself, and as long as Dustin isn’t using foul language in school or calling anyone harshly directed names, you don’t particularly enforce the no swearing rule that Steve does.

You shrug your shoulders, shifting your body towards Steve. “He’s got a point.”

“(Y/n).” Steve whines. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“And I am.”

“No you’re not.” He swings the remote jovially in the air, a mock pout breaking onto his face.

There’s that flutter again. You can feel it in your chest, your eyes trained on Steve’s face softly. It’s something that you just can’t seem to help, and it’s always sudden. Sometimes it’s not there. You can be around Steve for hours, and you’re cool with it...with him. But then out of nowhere this light headed feeling over takes you. Your heartbeat quickens, and you feel nothing but pure happiness and oddly comfort in his presence.

“I promise.” Your voice doesn’t waver. “I am always on your side.” It’s said as a joke, but you know better than anyone that it’s not.

There’s something behind your tone that Steve picks up on. Whether you intended upon it, it comes through loud and clear. I care about you. I am always going to be here for you. And it makes Steve smile. Whether the kids notice this too, he doesn’t know, nor does he care, but suddenly, and out of nowhere, he feels this pull to you like he’s never felt before.

What is this feeling? What does it mean?

iii.

Right off the bat you knew Steve Harrington would be trouble. Being friends with him again would inevitably hurt you...hurt him too. But you found yourself far too often, pushing that aside because of how much you cared for him. You worked well with each other, but you also knew that when the two of you were together, you were two fires, beautifully glowing together, until someone went too far and got burned.

You knew this, you knew it better than anything...and yet it wasn’t until the day Steve hurt Dustin, that he upset Dustin more than you’d ever seen him before, that you couldn’t unsee it. Dustin was your everything, and you’d be damned if Steve Harrington hurt your little brother.

That afternoon, he’d yelled...oh god had he yelled. Steve had just gotten back from seeing his parents, and he was completely on edge. They’d cursed him out, told him he had no future. Told him that he was a disappointment, a failure. And for the first time in his life, his father had hit him. It was quick, one harsh punch to the face and Steve was out of there faster than he’d ever raced out of his house. It was always a house...never a home, like yours was. You and Dustin had each other, you were each other’s homes, and Steve was alone. (You wouldn’t find out about what happened until much later, but by then, you’d already jumped fiercely to protect your little brother)....

It’s all quiet at the Henderson household until Dustin comes bounding out your front door, seeing Steve’s car parked out in front of your house, and starts asking if he wants to go to Mike’s and play some DnD with the Party. Steve tries to remain calm. He really does.

But Dustin keeps asking and asking, pulling Steve out of his car, and Steve just....snaps. “Dustin, do you ever think maybe I don’t want to hang out with you?”

Dustin’s eyes are wide open now, shock evident in his features. “Steve-” He recoils.

“No seriously Dustin.” Steve gestures, slightly aggressive, posture stiff and clearly frustrated. “Do you ever think that I’m just friends with you,” he moves his fingers, signalling air quotes around the word friends, “because your mother asked me to be? Because your sister wants me to be?”

He doesn’t mean it...more than anything he doesn’t mean it, but he can’t help the words from falling from his lips. It’s as if he needs to find someone to blame for his failures, and that person right now, in this moment, is Dustin Henderson: his best friend. He loves Dustin, it’s a love he’s never felt before, brotherly and wholesome...but Steve Harrington is nothing if not the King of destroying good, solid relationships.

You’re standing at your front door, listening to the exchange, and it’s certainly not what you expected from Steve. Even from a distance, you can see the tears threatening to leave your brother’s eyes as he fights to hold them back. Steve is now another person on the long list of people that have betrayed Dustin, that clearly don’t want him around. He’d already experienced having a father leave him...you don’t know if he could take losing a brother too.

“Dustin.” You storm down your front steps and out towards Steve and your brother. “Go inside.”

“But (Y/n)-” He tries.

“Just go inside.” You point at him gently, showing him that you’re not mad at him. The only person you’re angry with, is Steve. “I’ll be in in a few.”

Dustin nods his head solemnly, agreeing almost silently, before giving you a quiet, “okay.”

“You,” you point at Steve, venom in your tone. “In the car. Now.”

Steve obeys, watching as you open the car door and jump in the passenger seat. “Henderson.” He starts, using your last name. He only does that to tease you, or when he’s uncomfortable, and clearly in this circumstance, it’s the latter.

“Just drive.”

“Where?” He asks timidly.

“Somewhere quiet.” You reply.

And Steve knows exactly where to go. Just off the edge of Hawkins, and a couple minutes of a walk into the woods, there’s a wide clearing that he goes to when he needs to clear his mind. He knows that you’ve been to it many times....you were actually the one to bring Steve there once, and he can’t help the fear that creeps up in his chest.

The car ride is only around fifteen minutes, but it’s the longest fifteen minutes of Steve’s life. You haven’t said anything, and neither has he, not wanting to cause a scene out in public. But when you get there, car parked, having found your way into the clearing, Steve feels the adrenaline rush of fear shoot through him, and he’s sure he can feel the anger radiating off you.

“What the fuck Harrington?” Your eyes shoot daggers at him.

He stutters his way through a response. “I-I do-don’t know.”

This is how it starts: you’re angry and he’s terrified. And you have every right to be angry, but soon enough, Steve’s fear will morph into his own anger, and he doesn’t want that to happen. So he tries to remain afraid...but how long that will last, he doesn’t know.

“What’s gotten into you Steve?” You ask, seething at him.

“I’m sorry.” He replies, feeling his own anger starting to rise.

You wave off his apology with a scoff. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. I mean, how could you do that to Dustin?” You ask, genuine curiosity in your voice. “Do you know how much he loves you? And after everything he’s been through...I-I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get him to trust another man like he trusts you.”

“Well it shouldn’t be my responsibility to take care of him.” You’ve struck a nerve he didn’t know you could hit, and now Steve’s tone is ice cold, removed from himself.

“Take care of him?” You shout incredulously. “Holy shit, who do you think you are?”

Steve takes a step toward you menacingly. “Well I’m just his goddamn babysitter aren’t I? Because your mother’s too busy to do it herself.”

That’s a low blow and he knows it, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s already said it. You can hear his breathing, ragged and rushed, surely it matches your own. And you’re fuming. All you can see is red.

“You haven’t changed at all Harrington.” You snarl darkly. “You’re the same asshat, same arrogant, pompous King of Hawkins that you once were, that you always were. And I hated you then Steve! I hated you!”

You’re saying the one thing that he knows can break him: You haven’t changed. You’re still the same. Your parents are right about you. You’ll never amount to anything. And it feels like you’re giving up on him, just like his parent did. Just like everyone else does.

“And if you haven’t changed now, then I guess I still hate you.”

That’s all it takes for Steve to choke out a sob. He’s fallen to his knees, breathing erratic and panicked.

Fighting with Steve isn’t rational. You know you should’ve figured out why he lashed out at Dustin before you lashed out at him. It’s a vicious cycle of rage that could’ve been avoided, despite your anger being warranted. You’re a firm believer that there’s always a reason for things, and right now you just wished you had have waited to find out that reason, because maybe you wouldn’t be in this position right now.

You’re in a state of shock and denial at the man before you. He looks broken, like a little boy beaten down by his parents (unknowingly, this is exactly how Steve feels...exactly why he’s acting the way he’s acting). Your breathing softens and your gaze lowers to him. Why did you say those things? You didn’t think they could hurt him that much. If you’re being honest, you’ve never seen Steve this distraught, and it’s something you’re sure you never want to see again.

“My parents.” He manages to choke out, as you kneel beside him. “I saw my parents.” He says louder. And you’re now just noticing the deep purple bruise forming around his left eye. How could you not have noticed? Did your anger truly blind you to his pain?

“Steve.” You place you’re hand gently on his shoulder. “Did your father do this to you?”

He nods, wiping away the tears before saying, “He’s never done it before. But he was just so angry. I’ve never seen him like that.”

You notice how he avoids directly confirming that his father had hit him. He doesn’t want to believe it happened, and you can understand why...because admitting it directly, makes it more real. “Oh.” You mumble in response, not quite sure what to say.

“He said I’d never be worth anything. That’d I’d always be the son they never wanted.” He pulls his face into his hands, sucking a long breath in. “And I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it hurts. It just hurts so much.”

“Oh Steve.” You pull him into your touch, embracing him softly. “I’m so sorry.”

“And I didn’t mean to hurt Dustin.” He says, a wave of hurt rushing through him. “That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I just, I snapped.”

You bring your fingers to his chin, tilted his head towards your face. “I know.” You whisper. “I’ll tell him that. And you know he’ll always forgive you. He loves you too much to let you go.”

Your heart races as you wrap him in your embrace, trying gently to calm him down, to reassure him of his place in your family. It’s in that moment that you realize just how much you love him. Like the day you’d searched for Dart, it’s sudden and gradual, but now that you’ve truly realized it, things are surely about to change. And hopefully for the better.

Holy fuck...you’re in love with Steve Harrington.

iv.

It’s been nearly a year since your spat with Steve (and since you realized you were in love with Steve, but let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves...) and a lot of shit has happened since. One major addition to your make shift family of misfits and losers (as you like to call it) is Robin Buckley. Oh how Robin had changed your life...

She’d come into it at just the right time. Steve had gotten a summer job at Scoop’s Ahoy, while you had gotten a job at the Gap. It was the only one available, and you weren’t entirely picky as long as the job paid. The bright side of said job though, was using your breaks to come and visit Steve (and vice versa), get some free ice cream (Steve always insisted that you never pay), and most importantly, you got to meet Robin Buckley.

It’s something that must be said: Robin Buckley is no fool. She knows that, you know that, everybody in the entirety of Hawkins knows that. It’s clear as day how in love with each other you and Steve are...and when she continuously tells you that, you never believe her. (She tells Steve the same thing, multiple times a day, and he never seems to believe her either). Since your fight, and specifically since you made up, you and Steve have never been closer. (All the more reason for Robin to pester you about being in love with each other...). You guess you can also blame the whole battle of star court mall shit (included with crazy secret Russians and everything)....it had made you a lot closer. Shared trauma will do that to you...

But now, you, Steve, and Robin work at the video store, and your love for Steve certainly hasn’t gone away. You’re getting pretty terrible at hiding it, or at least you think so, (and Robin does too).

“If you keep staring at him like that, your jaw’s going to fall off.” She grins cheekily at you. You’re watching Steve as he intently listens to Dustin and Mike animatedly talk about some movie they’re desperate to watch.

“Shut up Robin.” You shoot back at her, folding your arms across your chest. “I’m not staring.”

She dismisses you with the wave of her hand. “You know, if you really like him, there’s this thing you could try.” She pauses as you gesture for her to continue. “It’s called asking him out dingus.”

Usually Robin reserves the ‘dingus title’ for Steve only, but today the honour is yours. “I know.” You sigh. “But I can’t do that. It’ll only make things weird.”

“Even if you really want to kiss him?” She asks, placing the emphasis on really.

“Even if I really want to kiss him.” You reply, letting out a wanting sigh.

“Even if he really wants to kiss you?” She pushes with a smirk on her face.

“Even if he.....What?” You squeak in surprise, having not expected her question.

At your exclamation, Steve quickly glances over to you and Robin. He tilts his head with a confused expression on his face, before giving you both a cheery smile. When Robin turns her head after waving him off, and flipping him the bird, he sends you a devilish wink. It sends shivers down your spine, and you try desperately to send him back a semi-composed smile of your own. God, you really do want to kiss him...

It’s officially a fact. You’re in love with Steve Harrington, and there’s no getting out of it.

v.

You and Steve are sitting on the front steps to your house, waiting for Dustin to bike his way home from Mike’s. The sun is setting, it’s quiet and peaceful. Something you haven’t experienced much since Dustin brought Steve back into your life. Despite the lack of normalcy in the past couple of years, you wouldn’t trade it for anything. You’ve gained a best friend, someone you can trust more than anyone in the world (besides your brother of course)....And you’ve fallen in love. Not that Steve knows. But you’re grateful to him all the same, for showing you what falling in love can feel like.

“You ever think about us?” Steve asks suddenly. It’s a question you’re not sure how to interpret.

“Us?” You lift your head from his shoulder curiously.

“Yeah, like-“ He sits up, facing you now, hands gesturing widely. “Like us, us. Together us.” He says. “Like what would’ve happened if you hadn’t forgiven me...if Dustin hadn’t forgiven me. Would we still be close?”

“Oh.” You trail off. That’s what he meant. You, Dustin, and Steve ‘us’. For a second you thought he actually might love you too. “I don’t know.” You admit.

He ponders your response for a second. “I’m glad you forgave me. That you both forgave me.”

You’re glad you forgave him too. After what his parents had said to him, you couldn’t imagine letting him go back to them that night. All alone, and terrified. You’re even more glad that Dustin had taken to forgiving him so quickly. All Steve had to do was apologize, briefly explaining that he wasn’t in the right mind set, and Dustin ran straight to Steve, engulfing him in the largest hug. Dustin had told Steve that he loved him that day. Steve had said it back. Something you’re not sure you’ll ever have the courage to do. But it warmed your heart to see Dustin open his heart to someone else.

“You’re a good person.” You state.

You say it with so much meaning, but it’s a sentence Steve doubts about himself everyday. He loves Dustin, he loves you, (he’s in love with you really), and he’d do anything for the two of, but he doesn’t feel like a good person. More or less, he’s often afraid that he’ll turn back into who he used to be, the Steve that had all the girls, and all the friends in the world, but still felt lonelier than he’d ever felt.

“I don’t-” He starts. “What if I’m not? I mean, what if what you said a year ago is true?” You can hear the insecurity, the anxiety in his tone. “What if I haven’t changed?”

“You have.” You reassure him. “You,” You point to him seriously, trying desperately to convince him, as you bring your hand gently to his cheek, “You are a good person Steve Harrington.”

Steve’s eyes flicker down to your lips. He wants to kiss you....more than anything in the world he wants to kiss you, but is that what you want too?

“I meant it when I asked if you ever thought about us.” He says as you remove your hand from his cheek. “I think about it all the time.” He reveals. “What it would be like if you loved me like I love you. If you loved me the way I love you.”

Your eyebrows raise at his words. “I have.” You state, before realizing the tense you’re speaking in. Have means past tense...you’ve certainly been thinking about it in the present. “I do.” You clarify.

“And.” Steve implores hopefully.

“I guess I was just scared to say anything because if you didn’t feel the same way...” you trail off. “I just couldn’t risk it.”

Steve’s voice is soft, like silk and honey. “But I do feel the same way.”

Your eyes search his for any sign of doubt. When you don’t find any, a beaming smile breaks out onto your face. “You do?”

“I always have.” He confirms, placing a hand on your cheek. “Can I kiss you?”

It’s a question you never thought Steve would ask you, one you dreamed about so often, wishing that maybe he could feel the same way. That familiar flutter that you’d become so accustomed to when you’re around Steve is back. And this time, it’s much stronger. Because it’s filled with hope, knowing that this is actually going to happen. He does feel the same way.

You nod your head in response before Steve leans down to meet your lips. His kiss is sweet and gentle, and while you’re not sure if it’s perfect to him, it is perfect to you. You’re putting all your love into this kiss, hoping that he understands just what you’re trying to say through it.

You take a quick breath before his lips are back on yours, this time more comfortably. Steve is confident about his actions, a hand resting on your waist, and the other still gracing your cheek. He can feel you smiling into the kiss as you begin to pull away once again, a joyful laugh bubbling in your throat.

“I love you (Y/n) Henderson.” He breathes. And you know it’s true. You can see it in the way he looks at you, so much so that you’re sure he can see just how much you love him through your gaze as well. “I’m in love with you.”

“I love you.” You respond, heart full of freedom and joy. “And just so you know...” you trail off, remembering the words you said to him nearly two years ago, “this Steve Harrington character, he really is hot....and a pretty damn good kisser.”

You let out a sigh, resting your head back on Steve’s shoulder. You’re both very content, breathing steady and calm. And it’s honestly quite fitting, the way your relationship is to begin, sitting on the front steps to your house, waiting for Dustin. Dustin had reintroduced you to each other, after all those years, bringing your friendship back to a blossom. He’s the reason you allowed yourself to fall for Steve in the first place, so it’s entirely convenient that you’ll spend your first moments as a couple in love, waiting to reintroduce your relationship to Dustin. He had made it possible after all....

And if there’s one thing you and Steve both know for sure, it’s that Dustin will approve. He’s been waiting for this for two years, watching you dance around each other and fall in love, (you also know that Robin will be overjoyed too...). And the most important thing of all: Steve had found a true home, and that home was with you and Dustin.

Steve Harrington will always be a Henderson (if not by birth or blood, then certainly by love), no matter what. And you’d always love him for it.

////////////////////

General Taglist:

@voidnarnia @galaxy-mindsxx @lookalivesunshine-x @lanatheawesome @mileven-reddie @my-remical-chomance

[unquestionably-queer]

going off my previous post here but i wrote a mini fanfic/headcanon about zukos nightmares? this is really long but if yall like it im willing to actually write it from zuko’s pov and add dialogue. maybe even put it on ao3 maybe? anywho, id love to hear feedback! enjoy!!

it wasnt uncommon for zuko to wake up in such distress that he started frantically firebending. one time iroh saw his nephew quite literally wake up breathing fire. concerning, but very impressive. since joining the gang, he had worked on not doing that (as much as was in his control), as he had accidentaly burnt down a tent or three. but the nightmares themselves didnt subside.

not uncommon, zuko woke up gasping for breath. his head and heart were pounding, sweat dripping down his chest. he headed outside, planning to go to a nearby stream in hopes of finding some relief and peace, only to find sokka was sitting outside and very much awake. they both stared kind of awkwardly at each other before sokka ushered the older boy over. neither asked why the other was awake. they just made mindless chitchat before falling into a surprisingly comfortable silence. sokka got up to leave, but not before offering his company next time zuko needed it. when asked if the offer was genuine, he laughed. to be honest, he had said, he was just being polite, and didnt expect zuko to actually believe him. what a dick move, they both thought.

he woke up in a similar state a few nights later. he tossed and turned, begging for sleep to claim him again before ultimately grunting and accepting his fate. he wandered outside, once again finding sokka awake. zuko greeted him and explained he was going swimming. it was his silent way of offering his company, which sokka took. what started as idle conversation eventually progressed, and they found themselves floating in the stream talking about their youths. at some point they even talked about how they had both lost their moms due to the war (despite katara thinking she was the only one who had ever experienced any sort of emotional pain.) they hadnt even realized the hours that had gone by until the chirping of bugs was replaced by the chirping of birds and the sun put the stars to sleep.

this pattern continued. while sokka never asked what zukos nightmares were about, zuko learned that despite being a sleep enthusiast, sokka lost many hours of precious shut eye to anxious planning. sometimes they went on a walk, sometimes they were sparring, and sometimes they simply watched the stars. it was nice company, just to the two of them. no offense to aang, but sokka and zuko were closer in age and much more similar than they had originally realized. sokka offered his late night company. before zuko could question him, sokka placed a hand on the firebenders shoulder. anything for a friend.

on one occasion, zuko woke up and stumbled outside without thinking about it, only to be greeted with the faint glow of where the fire was, no man in sight. still groggy and disoriented, he rubbed his eyes and blinked a couple of times before shuffling back to bed, blaming the ache in his chest on the painful memory of his nightmares and not on the absence of a certain someones company. it took a long time before he could fall back asleep.

after becoming firelord, sokka decided to stay in the fire nation. mostly for political planning and engagement until zuko got himself on his own two feet. who else to help than the guy who had spent the past few months travelling the world trying to save it. the avatar, katara had said cooly. which wasnt wrong but sokka was offended that she hadnt just agreed. besides, sokka would assure zuko, its not like he could leave zuko alone. who would be his comedic relief?

since returning to the palace, zuko had gone back to handling his dreams alone, the way he used to. while his bedding was definitely made to withstand the panicked firebending, he figured there were better coping mechanisms. he quietly walked through the halls. the young firelord wasnt paying attention, rather just letting his body go on autopilot and he tried to clear his mind. after a solid 15 minutes of rights and lefts, he found himself a hallway away from sokka’s quarters. after some hesitation, he turned around and went back to his bedroom.

the next time, after much delay and pacing, he knocked on the door. its not like be hadnt’t done this before. it would be just like before. that reasoning didnt stop zuko from immediately turning around and walking away. fortunately. sokka opened the door before he could get too far. zuko awkwardly began to explain his situation, but sokka just interrupted him and told him to wait before shutting the door. zuko stood there mouth still half open from when he was talking before sokka emerged two minutes later, clothed and ready to go. they wandered to the kitchen and talked for what seemed like minutes but must have been hours, as they were politely shooed out by the staff beginning to prepare breakfast. zuko walked sokka back to his quarters before they parted ways. sokka reminded his friend that though things may be different, the option still stood.

many night rendezvous later, zuko showed up particularly shaken. much to sokka’s surprise, it almost looked like behind the curtain of now long dark hair, the mans face was wet. when sokka asked if he was crying while brushing dark hair behind a pale ear, it was confirmed that he was in fact crying. it started as silent tears, and slowly but surely turned into a violent sob. you know, the kind of gross one with hiccups and snot and general incoherence. at this point, they had known each other for years, and they had definitely surpassed the point of friendship (though they were both too dense to realize it themselves) meaning they had seen each other vulnerable. but never had sokka seen zuko cry like this, and definitely not because of a nightmare. now the same height, the watertribesman wrapped his arm around his friends shoulder and guided him to the bed. zuko wasnt big on giving physical affection, but he never pushed sokka away. not when the friendly slap on the shoulder became a tender shoulder massage. nor did when sokka went from tussling the mans dark hair to running his fingers through it to just simply playing with it. sokka sat and cradled zukos head into his own neck. zuko cries lessened into sniffles and then a gentle snore. sokka gently moved zuko, placing his friends head on the pillow and tucking him in.

zuko woke up the following morning, confused as to where he was. as he gained his bearings, he turned to find the source of what sounded like snorimg. he stared at the tanned man for a couple beats, processing what was in front of him. the firelord tensed when the snoring stopped, fearing some sort of negative reaction. zuko breathed out in relief when sokka simply rolled away from him and the snoring began again. zuko quietly slipped out the bed and out the room, but not before smiling fondly to himself in the doorway.

a couple days later, sokka and zuko found themselves caught up in late night shenanigans, a concept that wasnt foreign to them. they were sitting on the foot of sokkas bed when zuko stood up to dismiss himself for the night. sokka stopped him, and when zuko raised his eyebrows in question, sokka spluttered out a not so smooth joke that was just a weak attempt at asking for zuko to spend the night. for protection of course. zuko, who at this point was experiencing severe symptoms of polar bear-puppy love, said yes of course, and ended up spending the night.

when he woke up the next morning, he felt truly rested for the first time in years.

[engineering-myself]

I have been trying to let this whole thing go since yesterday but I think I have to write it down to expel it from my brain so I’ll add a read more to spare everyone the space on their dash lol:

We met with my mom’s fiance and my mom last night to go over our ceremony. He’s our officiant and he did a wonderful job writing the ceremony. Nic and I are both really excited about it, glad that we asked him to perform it, and kept talking about how it is everything we hoped it would be and then some. So that is the good news and I don’t want to sound ungrateful about that because I am ecstatic that we’re going to have such a special ceremony.

But that being said -

I cannot get over how wildly inappropriate my mom was being last night. Her fiance, L, was trying to practice the ceremony with Nic and I. This is by no means his first ceremony. He performs several every year, and so I was excited to be working with him because I know that he’s good at his job and knows what he’s doing. While he’s trying to walk us through things, my mom (who is not an officiant), is literally shouting over him all her opinions about various aspects of the ceremony, to the point where he has to keep stopping because she’s being so demanding of our collective attention. I was getting annoyed, Nic was getting annoyed, and L finally asserted - in a SUPERBLY patient way that I never could have managed due to her level of disrespect - that she needed to stop interrupting him because he was trying to get in a flow and he kept losing his place.

She proceeds to have an extremely childish meltdown. She starts throwing around all this passive aggressive bullshit that is just classically my mom, saying shit like “WELL I GUESS I JUST WON’T TALK THEN” and when he tried to calmly (and frankly, inaccurately) explain that it wasn’t her, he just needed to focus, she was shushing his explanation and throwing her hands in the air and being like “forget it, nevermind, just do your ceremony and I’ll shut up”.

So we go to continue and she’s quiet for maybe five minutes and then she does it again. This time, we were all kind of collectively ignoring her because L was in the middle of an explanation, and when she noticed no one was paying attention, she bizarrely exclaims that “nobody will let her finish and she keeps being interrupted”, to which I laughed out loud, turned to her very impatiently and said “I’m confused, why do you think that YOU’RE the one being interrupted?” And she huffed and stood up and moved further away from us and pouted.

We finally get through the whole thing, the three of us are feeling good about it, and my mom shrieks at us that we need to do the whole thing again from the top. I can tell at this point that Nic, who is not confrontational in the slightest, is running out of patience because he turns to her and says “I don’t think we need to. I don’t want to hear it a bunch of times or it won’t feel special on our wedding day” and somewhere in the middle of his sentence she interrupts him and yells “from the top, do it again” and Nic gives me a look and we give L a look and he kind of sighs and resigns himself and says we’ll do it again.

When we were all done and eating food and talking and joking with L, she continued this bizarre social behavior where she would interrupt her fiance or one of us, and when everyone didn’t immediately stop carrying on with the conversation we were all enjoying, she repeated the whole “nobody ever lets me talk, I’ll just stay quiet, I won’t talk, blah blah blah pity me, for I am always the victim”. It was everything I could do not to lose my shit. Her poor fiance would just wither under her bull shit, and Nic whispered to me later that he had overheard L profusely apologizing to her and for what??? For talking? For writing our ceremony? For performing it beautifully? For telling her she was being rude, even though she definitely was?

It’s not the first time I’ve seen her do this to him. Their relationship is really toxic and I’ve told Nic before that I think she’s fundamentally changed L’s behavior since I met him. She’s constantly scolding him and doing this performative fighting in front of everybody in our family and it’s really worn him down over the years. He used to be so fun when we got together but now he barely talks and I completely understand that it’s because he’s trying to avoid her irrational criticism. It’s painful to watch because I actually like the guy and she’s clearly broken his spirit.

It’s always so troubling to me because I want to assume that she can withstand a rational conversation in which I explain to her that her behavior is out of line and that she could maybe hear me when I say it, but I know from experience that she won’t. She’ll lash out and scream and cry and say that I’m always criticizing her. I’ve grown up a lot since the last time I got in a big fight with her a few years ago, and following that fight, I realized she’s never going to change so why would I waste my time and energy. 

Still, it’s hard to be around her. She’s always been like this but it’s gotten worse over the last few years. Nic can’t stand her, and I don’t blame him. I often wonder how long my relationship with her can reasonably last because she’s so emotionally taxing to be around, and not just for me now but for Nic too. 

I worry that she’ll make our wedding day all about her, although she’s usually better behaved when people besides just family are present (they tend to keep her socially in-check, which also indicates to me that she knows on some level that her behavior is wrong because she reserves it just for family). When Nic sees her shitty behavior either towards me or someone else, as he did last night, he’ll often say to me “remember when she ruined our engagement night?” and it makes me sad that I’ve involved him in all this by just being with him.

(The story there: I texted our whole family simultaneously that we had been engaged mere moments after it happened, and she turned around and called me to yell at me that she “thought our relationship meant more than a text”. I explained that I was telling everyone at the same time so nobody would feel left out and when she continued to yell at me, I started crying and asked her why she was making our engagement night all about her, which she vehemently denied as she continued to yell at me. This continued until Nic convinced me to hang up the phone.)

I’ve said this here before, but I have made my peace with the fact that we’ll never be close because of her behavior towards me and everyone else. Be that as it may, sometimes I fantasize about cutting all ties with her. I usually dread visiting her, and I’m often irked by her behavior for several days after a visit. One time, I wondered out loud to my best friend if I would ever stop talking to my mom someday, and she responded that she “hasn’t done anything bad enough to justify that”, which I both do and don’t understand. She’s not an evil person who means harm, but she’s been hugely affected by several of her own bad relationships (her mother, especially), and it has clearly impacted her ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone else. She’s been known to quote “I’m not nearly as bad as my mom was to me”. I don’t know why I should have to put up with such a messy relationship just because she isn’t worse.

Sometimes I feel like I need a therapist just to navigate our relationship. Other times, I think I see our relationship pretty clearly, and that there really isn’t much else to be done unless I want to stop seeing her altogether. I was recently consoled by an article I found here on tumblr actually that said that if the child of an emotionally stunted parent was looking for permission to stop trying, look no further than the article, because that parent would likely never change. 

This was very long but really all of it was to say this - my mom pushes so many of my buttons, raises so many personal red flags, and I’m hoping that the social aspect of our wedding day will allow us all to get through it mostly unscathed. After that day passes, who knows. Maybe I’ll say something to her about her inappropriate fighting and passive aggressiveness. Maybe I won’t. I’m trying to focus on getting through the next few weeks and then honestly, I might need to reevaluate our relationship. How often we’ll see each other going forward is a bit up in the air beyond that day. I know what visits with her are like. I know that my soon-to-be-husband and I both dread spending time with her. Maybe we’ll just drastically reduce visits in the years ahead. Maybe I’ll suck it up and find a way to deal with it.

Who knows.

[himbowelsh]

Drunk BOB guys??? Who are the softie hug-loving cuddlers and who are the loud and obnoxious ones? The ones who break out of their shell when intoxicated? The unusually quiet ones? The ones who throw it tf back when Usher comes on? I'd love to hear some thots

oooooh my god okay okay, here are the biggest thots

Richard Winters:  Umm, alcohol whom? Has never been drunk in his life and doesn’t intend to start now. He gets all the buzz he needs off the exhilaration of a brisk jog, or a cool glass of water.

Lewis Nixon: The Literal Alcoholic. Thinks he’s more fun when he’s drunk than when he’s sober; is actually not a very fun drunk. Is even worse when he’s sobering up! At this point, he has to have some liquor in his system 99% of the time, otherwise his body feels like it’s out to destroy itself. (Alcoholism is a disease, boys and girls.) Nix buzzed is Nix at peak performance; he’s friendly, efficient, and capable. Nix drunk is a slowly spiralling plane crash. He usually passes out before he hits the ground, but god forbid he gets there, because...  it’s messy. He can occasionally be a messy, emotional, overdramatic drunk, but only when he’s really overdone it.

Carwood Lipton: The Respectable Drunk. A very calm, kind of sleepy drunk. Doesn’t get drunk often, even though he holds his liquor well, because he doesn’t prefer it  ---   when he’s had a few, he prefers to just watch the people around him, smiling and only half paying attention. His mind tends to wander when he’s drunk. Drunk Lip does have one fatal weakness:  if he’s out with his partner, and his partner shows even the slightest bit of encouragement, Lip will get riled up very quickly. He goes from calm drunk to horny drunk in a very short time; will eagerly press his partner up against the wall if given the chance. (Drunk Lip is way more inclined to PDA.)

Ron Speirs: The Soft Drunk. Literally, he’s such a tender drunk; he has absolutely no balance, and is a little confused, but he’s sweet, okay? Ron is far more expressive when he’s drunk; he gets touchier, ramblier, kinder. Drunk Ron has faith in humanity where Sober Ron gave up long ago. He’s a really relaxed drunk, unlikely to go off and do anything wild, but he wants to be around other people  ---  around his friends. Ron never has a good time when he drinks alone. (Plus, he’s got a reputation to uphold, and only certain people are allowed to see him with his guards down.)

Harry Welsh: The Bionic Drunk. Nothing can injure him; nothing can kill him. Many things have tried. Harry has done so much dumb shit when intoxicated, things that would have wounded him in a heartbeat if he was sober, and has never gotten a scratch to show for it. He’s a very fun drunk  ---  he laughs a lot, is very affectionate, and super pleasant to be around  ---  but common sense and self-preservation goes out the window. Look out, because he might too, if someone dared him.

Eugene Roe: The Changeling Drunk. Who is this man and what did he do with Doc Roe? Drunk Gene is...  an experience, alright? His inhibitions are gone. Suddenly, his personality has been turned up to eleven; he’s extroverted, he’s exciting, he laughs loudly and jokes around...  he’s dancing on top of the bar, holy shit. Is a very fun time, but you have to keep an eye on him, because he sometimes goes off and does something insane, a-la-Sober-Speirs. Drunk Gene fears nothing, including himself.

Joe Toye: The Depressed Drunk. Zoinks, Scoob. Drunk Joe is actually willing to talk about his emotions  ---  and maybe he shouldn’t, because he’s got some sad stuff going on there, man. Drinking is supposed to numb your worries, but Joe often finds the opposite is the case; his burdens somehow get heavier, harder to ignore, and if he’s allowed to slip into them he’ll end up dwelling in them for the rest of the night. So long as he’s around buddies who are actively keeping his spirits up, he’s a decent drunk guy to have around. If neglected, however, Drunk Joe may shed a few tears into his Guinness.

George Luz: The Showman Drunk. His jokes and impressions get way sloppier, but somehow he’s twice as hilarious, so he can get away with it. Drunk George is way more animated, with a seemingly endless supply of energy; he teases everybody, he laughs the loudest in the room, and he really seems like he’s just come out to have a good time. The kind of buddy you want to get drunk with.  (Be warned: comes with a rarely activated Depressed Drunk mode, when he shuts off and wants to be left the hell alone. Maybe his battery runs out after a while or something. During this time, George is feeling a lot of things very strongly; this condition is best treated with a cozy blanket and glass of water. Very rare, but once you’ve seen him in this state, you can never unsee it.)

Bill Guarnere: The Loud Drunk. Is there a difference between sober Bill and drunk Bill? Debateable. Drunk Bill is just Bill turned up to eleven. He doesn’t actually get drunk a lot  ---  somehow he ends up the designated driver, and minds less than he should  ---  but social drinking usually leads to Bill shouting over a crowded bar. He’s usually up for a good time, he just has no volume control. (Also, the accent. It thickens. Can someone translate, please? Is he speaking English? What the hell is he saying?)

Babe Heffron: The Weird Drunk. Drunk Babe will break it down on the dance floor (should he? maybe not) and do his president rooster impression in public, but he’s equally likely to just...  confuse everybody else. He’s got a lot of thoughts. A lot of feelings. Some of them are about the meaning of life, some of them are about the best kind of sandwich bread, some of them are about whether the Loch Ness Monster has a favorite type of bird.  He talks so much when he’s drunk, and will ramble anyone’s ear off about any of these topics. Escape while you can.

Joseph Liebgott: The Volatile Drunk. Really a mixed bag; you never know what you’re going to get from him. Sometimes, Joe can be a very fun drunk, the life of the party, willing to do anything anybody dares him to. That’s if he’s drinking in a good mood. If he starts drinking in a sour mood, it’ll only get worse from there. Honestly, he can be a mean drunk. He lashes out at people, gets angry, sometimes starts crying...  it’s not great. You have to keep tabs on him while he’s drinking, because if his mood looks like it’s dipping, he should not be allowed any more alcohol.

David Kenyon Webster: The Emotional Drunk. He’s just...  got a lot of feelings! And he really wants to talk about them! Becomes extremely talkative while drunk; this is not always a good thing, because he’s pronouncedly less eloquent. Drunk Web is very passionate about politics...  and the environment... and marine biology...  and the commercialization of public holidays. He has something to say about most things. Sometimes he’s just muttering to himself, and no one can keep up with what he’s saying. Makes so many notes, either in his phone or scribbling them down on napkins, because he’s “going to need to remember this”, but they’re all illegible come morning. Feels things very strongly. Might cry.

Johnny Martin: The Feral Drunk. Wrangling Johnny when he’s had a few too many is an experience. Holy shit, this man knows no fear. Drunk Johnny has 5x less patience for everyone’s bullshit, and wants them to know it. The amount of bar fights this man has gotten into... the best part is, he’s never lost. (Yeah, because he has Bull right there to make sure his drunk friend doesn’t get himself killed.)

Frank Perconte: The Confused Drunk. Only kind of knows where he is. Complains a lot; puts things down, misplaces them, and blames someone else for taking them. Drunk Perco has a ‘Real Housewives at Brunch’ mode, only activated when someone gives him tequila; he will scream and throw drinks. Otherwise he’s just kind of tiresome and needs someone to make sure he makes it home okay.

Floyd Talbert: The Mom Drunk. Yes, he did just do four shots of gin, but he’s still going to make sure everyone else is drinking water and not wandering off with anyone creepy. Drunk Floyd’s got an eye on everyone; he’s kind of the mama hen wrangling all her chicks, making sure they don’t stray far. He parties like a frat boy, but will wrangle everyone like a girl scout mother. 

Shifty Powers: The Missing Drunk. What the hell? What happened, where did he go? He was sitting right there a second ago  ---   when he’s drunk, Shifty tends to wander. He just likes the quiet. His friends will always find him in bizarre places, after a few minutes of panicked searching. Once, he was laying on top of a car; once he was on the club’s roof. He’s fine, he knows where he is, he’s just thinking about stuff.

Donald Malarkey: The Absurdly Lucky Drunk. He’s got some Irish faeries looking out for him or something, because Drunk Don is literally living his best life. If he gambles, he’s going to win. If he misplaces his wallet, he’s going to find it with an extra $30 inside. If he trips, he’s going to land in an attractive person’s lap. Everyone wants to be in proximity to Drunk Don, not only because he’s a pretty good  (if emotional)  time, but because some of his luck might rub off.

Skip Muck: The Giggly Drunk. What’s so funny? No one knows. Skip might not even know, but he’s going to laugh anyways, because everything is hilarious. He somehow tells even better jokes when drunk, but he laughs at them himself, so that measures it out. He effortlessly makes himself the life of the party; Skip will get up and karaoke with the band, cheer all his friends on in their dumb shit, drink way more than he reasonably should...  going out drinking with Skip is always a great time.

Herbert Sobel: The Alarmingly Fun Drunk. No, I’m not going to elaborate. Fill in the mental images yourself.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #230: THE LAST FAREWELL!

April, 1983

“Yellowjacket no more!”

Aw, dang! Hank got raptured!

Captain America, Thor, and Hawkeye is a weird collection of characters to be staring forlornly at the empty Yellowjacket uniform.

Thor hasn’t really expressed much about the Yellowjacket situation in comparison. You think they could squeeze Wasp into the shot. Just her ex-husband is all. She’s just the team leader is all.

Put Wasp on the cover, you cowards.

So last times on Avengers: Hank Pym got himself kicked out of the Avengers and out of his marriage and pretty much deserved it. He was tricked into committing treason by his arch-nemesis Egghead and sent to jail. He sat in jail for, like, a really long time. The wheels really spun on the arc.

He was kicked out of the Avengers/walked before he could be kicked out in #213. He was arrested at the end of issue #217. His trial was in issue #228.

He was kidnapped from his trial by the Masters of Evil. Then in #229, he turned the tables on them all in quite a satisfying manner and slugged Egghead in the egg head.

Then Hawkeye manslaughtered him. He’s dead.

Hawkeye arrowed the science gun to stop Egghead from shooting Hank in the back and then the science gun backfired and microwaved that egg.

This makes Hank’s victory a little bittersweet for him.

Hank Pym: “I defeated the Masters of Evil single-handed... but more than anything, I wanted to bring Egghead to justice. He was a thorn in my side for so many years. I was never able to defeat him for long, not when I was Ant-Man... and not even after I became Giant-Man! He bedeviled me in every identity I assumed. He did me the greatest wrong when I was Yellowjacket. I’d already ruined my Avengers career, when he tricked me into committing a federal crime!”

Hawkeye too is set to thinking by what happened. Maybe humming a bit of Bohemian Rhapsody to himself too.

Hawkeye: “This is unreal! I’ve never killed a man before! I never planned on anything like this happening! Yeah, but I can’t feel sorry for Egghead! If anyone deserved this, he did! My brother Barney bought the farm, stopping Egghead from killing the Avengers. And if I hadn’t acted when I did, Hank Pym would be dead! If I had to do it again... I would!”

Hawkeye: ‘Eh, fuck ‘em!’

hah.

But Hank laments that with Egghead dead, so goes his chance of proving his innocence by turning him over to the law.

Hank Pym: “Egghead was always getting away from me, Hawkeye. It’s almost as if he’s pulled the ultimate escape!”

Fun fact: There doesn’t seem to be an Ultimate Egghead! Why would there need to be? Even more than in the 616, Ultimate Hank Pym is by far his own worst enemy.

Hawkeye basically tells Hank to buck up and that there’s basically incriminating evidence lying all over the place.

He doesn’t say it but even Egghead’s dead deceased corpse is kind of like evidence. Evidence that he wasn’t dead until recently.

Captain Marvel shows up because someone finally came looking for Hawkeye.

Hank is surprised, much like others have been that this is Captain Marvel. He knew the old guy, the super saiyan. And I guess he didn’t hear there was a new one.

Hawkeye: “We’ve had a few changes since you went in the slammer, Hank. C.M. is an Avenger in training.”

Huh. Captain Marvel doesn’t even react to the dead body. Then again, there’s a lot of bodies lying all around the place.

And while Hawkeye is introducing the new Captain Marvel to Hank, one of those bodies stirs.

Moonstone has regained consciousness and assesses the situation. She could blast Hank, Captain Marvel, and Hawkeye with her coherent light pew pew but that’d just weaken her.

Like in the previous issue, Moonstone is one of the few supervillains who knows when to fold ‘em.

So she decides to skeedaddle while the getting is good but whoops.

Getting wasn’t good.

The rest of the Avengers have shown up and cornered her while she was pondering.

So Moonstone decides ‘eh fuck it’ and promises to spill all the beans if it gets her a lighter sentence.

So days later, the mostly off-screen trial of Hank Pym finally ends.

A loooot of new evidence suddenly popping up led the prosecution to withdraw all charges.

The lead prosecution witness, Trish Starr, suddenly reversing her testimony after putting on Tony Stark’s magical mental-scan helmet kind of tanked the case, really.

Wait, they really did just admit the use of the helmet in the trial when its new, unsubstantiated technology whose inventor disappeared?

Damn, I knew the Marvel legal system was wild (considering comic books as legal documents as explored in Dan Slott’s run on the character) but still!

Although it makes sense. Egghead got Trish to incriminate Hank by using the bionic arm to alter her memories. The helmet Tony invented undoes that kind of alteration. This connects the dots quite reasonably. Glad Stern was paying attention when preparing to finish this arc.

Moonstone and Beetle confirming that Egghead was using Hank as a tool also helps.

In fact, not only did the prosecution drop all their charges, the judge also dismissed all the charges. Which feels redundant? I dunno much about law, really. Just the She-Hulk version of law. Which, again, uses comic books as legal documents.

Apparently happening at around the same time, Hawkeye also had his day in court.

Literally a day.

It wasn’t a trial, just a hearing to investigate whether he was guilty of wrong-doing in the death of Egghead.

Newsman with a newsplan: “Though he was threatened with contempt-of-court charges a number of times -- Hawkeye was found innocent of any wrong-doing in the death of Dr. Elihas Starr -- the self-styled Egghead.”

Yeah, I bet Hawkeye was threatened with contempt-of-court a bunch. And I bet you anything that at least one of the times he rejoined with “No, you’re out of order! This whole damn courtroom is out of order!”

And then the judge probably just sighed.

I mean, look at that unbelievable Hawkeye in the bottom left panel.

Anyway, I think Stern must have felt a little pent up having to start his Avengers run finishing off someone else’s story, especially having to devote a recap issue to it since the plot had been interspersed with fill-ins.

Because in the middle of concluding this arc, he throws in two plot beats that I have to assume are to set up stuff of his own.

A day after the trial, the Beetle is being escorted to a cell in a Western Pennsylvanian federal maximum security prison when he bumps into another prisoner.

What neither the Beetle or the guard notices is that the bump to “Sam Smithers” has peeled off some skin on his arm and revealed THAT HE IS ACTUALLY MADE OF WOOD!

Suspect possibly a living puppet.

And elsewhere but samewhen, IN SPACE, specifically on Saturn’s moon Titan, Thanos’ brother Eros is basically complaining about being bored.

When Captain Mar-vell died of having a lot of cancer, he asked Eros to look after Mar-vell’s... uh... -google- robot girlfriend?? Elysius.

Eventual mom to Genis and Phyla-Vells.

Soooooo, Eros has done as Mar-vell’s deathbed wish was and spent an agonizing several consecutive months hanging out in Titan’s beautiful inside forests and just having a real hard time caring about one thing for such a long period of time.

I’m not even being unfair to him.

Eros: “This is the first time in ages that I’ve spent so many consecutive months on Titan! I have ever been a wanderer! I’ve sought out adventure across the wide cosmos. Frankly, I have known romance on more worlds than most sentient beings could imagine. That’s part of the problem. Our friendship has been wonderful, but I’m having a hard time adjusting to it. My previous relationships have all been of a fleeting nature.”

‘Look its not you, its me’ except for attempting to dump someone as a friend, instead of romantically.

Not dump, even. He just kind of wants to ditch her and is asking in a roundabout way if she’s emotionally stable enough to ditch.

She goes, yeah sure, go off and have fun. And maybe she’s getting tired of his company too.

Elysius: “Look... you’ve been a great comfort to me these last few months, but now I need to be alone for a while with my thoughts.”

Geez, how clingy has he been this whole time while desperately wanting to be anywhere else?

Anyway, since she’s fine with him fucking off, he does fuck off. Right to the Hall of Science.

Where Eros’ dad is like ‘oh ffs’ when Eros tells him that he needs to use the LIVING COMPUTER Isaac to look up planets with the highest adventure potential.

Mentor of Titan is a man deeply disappointed in both of his sons for very different reasons.

Anyway, would you really be surprised if I told you that Earth was in the Top 3 planets in known space for adventure?

You wouldn’t, right?

Meanwhile, back at the plot, Hank Pym is on a boat with Trish Starr.

She wants to apologize for that time she incriminated him but Hank isn’t going to blame her for being as much a pawn in Egghead’s scheme as he was.

Trish: “Yes, uncle was like that all of his life. I think he really enjoyed using people.”

And she remembers the first time they met in Marvel Feature #5, where Egghead tried to drain her mind to power his machines. Because. Batteries hadn’t been invented? Because he’s just not happy unless he’s screwing over someone else?

Second one sounds likeliest.

She also remembers the time he car bombed her car but siphoned out most of the gas first.

Trish: “He didn’t want to kill me... only maim me. Nice guy, my uncle.”

Yeah. Its stories like that why its only Trish and Hank also Fred Sloan on a boat at Egghead’s funeral. Yeah, by the way, this is basically Egghead’s funeral.

Fred is only here for Trish.

Hank reacts to Fred so I wondered if he’s important in some way or if Hank recognized him but I checked the wiki and his main importance seems to be... this issue? So I don’t know why Hank reacts to the guy.

So Fred is just here for Trish. Trish is here out of duty, since she was Egghead’s only known family. And Hank is also only here out of duty but more archnemesis ‘can’t believe that asshole is dead and I don’t even get to feel good about it’ duty. I assume.

Hank even gets the honor (?) of laying Egghead to rest. By dumping his ashes into New York harbor.

Mostly because it doesn’t seem like Trish wants to?

So Hank quotes some Mark Twain and dumps the ashes.

Hank Pym: “‘Death... the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all -- the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved.’ Farewell, Egghead.”

Trish: “It’s awful to say this -- but I can’t find it in myself to be sorry. I think I’m glad he’s dead.”

And that’s Egghead’s legacy. Mourned by no one. And his death is only not cheered because the only people that cared feel shitty about feeling glad he’s dead.

ANYWAY, there’s some other loose ends to tie up.

So Hank takes a taxi to the Avengers Mansion and I guess finally explicitly explains why the mansion has seemed to change positions over time?

Hank Pym: “I never thought I’d be coming here again. The place has certainly changed since the day Jan and I met here with Iron Man, Thor, and the Hulk to draft the Avengers charter and by-laws. And I still recall the time Iron Man and Thor moved the mansion back from the street to give us more privacy. What a project that was!”

Sounds like a heck of a noodle incident, Hank.

... Why just Thor and Iron Man? Did they... did they literally just shove the mansion back from the street? ... There’s... basements and caves under there. How does that work? That seems like a massive architectural project.

Hank, pls, I need to know more details. You can’t just drop that information and casually stroll away. HANK!

Captain Marvel meets Hank at the door and escorts him inside, captain marveling at how calm Hank is despite everything he’s been through.

Hank shows up to the Avengers meeting and-

Oh god, She-Hulk looks like she wants to punch the suppressed emotions right out of Jan. She-Hulk, pls.

So, Wasp is super formal, calling Hank Dr. Pym and telling him that they want to use the mento-scan helmet to see if he was under outside influence when he did all the very bad things he did.

All of the Avengers are harboring their own concerns.

She-Hulk: “I’ve read legal briefs that were more informal! She’s cool on the surface, but inside -- ! Jannie, why are you doing this to yourself?!”

Are you guys already at the cute nickname stage of your friendship or is that just the way She-Hulk be?

Cap is worried that this is rough on Jan but that she’s doing what she needs to do as the Avengers chairwoman. But he’s more worried about the absence of Iron Man who is still missing and who ignored three calls to assemble.

Thor is just internally like ‘just do the helmet, my dude.’

Hawkeye is literally biting his lip at the tension.

Hawkeye: “Jan divorced Hank after his last breakdown. If we find out that he wasn’t to blame, what’s it gonna do to the both of ‘em? I hate this! That stupid court hearing was a breeze in comparison.”

Huh, Hawkeye has a point. Even if outside influence is proven, its not as straightforward as Jan and Hank instantly getting back together, no harm no foul. There was harm. And the problems with their relationship were deeper than one incident. But it would also create this possible expectation that they should get back together because the specific incident wasn’t Hank’s fault.

And Captain Marvel is still looking at this from an outsiders’ perspective.

Captain Marvel: “They’re really hurting over this... all of them! They all care so very, very much. If I ever become a fully active Avenger, I pray that I can live up to their example.”

So Hank very calmly agrees to use the helmet. But...

Hank Pym: “Sorry... no outside influences. It would have changed a lot of things if there had been, wouldn’t it? But no, I made my own mistakes... and I have to live with them.”

Thiiiiis was the best decision for the story arc. It may seem, in retrospect, the worst decision in the long run, but I can respect the story for standing by what it has done and standing by the growth Hank has had as a result of everything that happened.

I think a lot of more modern marvel comics have gone a little wild with letting the heroes do all kinds of dubious things and also die because it can be easily undone. It was a Skrull, they were being mind-controlled, it was an AU Nazi version of them created by a cosmic cube child. Or by giving the hero some big redemptive moment like Iron Man wiping his mind to make up for doing Civil War. Or Iron Man dying to make up for Civil War 2. You can explore whatever scenarios you want without worrying about dealing with the consequences long-term.

But in this era of Marvel, they were concerned with the long-term. Not to say that there weren’t cop-outs back in this day too. But since books were expected to keep going indefinitely instead of being cancelled and relaunched, there’s less of a sense of ‘this thing is only here to play with for a little while.’ If you wrote a thing, another writer was expected to follow up on it.

And I miss that a little.

So not giving a cop-out bullshit thing that undoes Hank’s actions was bad in the long run for his image as a character. But that’s a long way from now problem, exacerbated by writers like Chuck Austin and Mark Millar who wanted to wallow in it.

For an arc where Hank fell from grace and proved himself again, taking ownership of what a garbage fire his life can be was necessary.

One among many reasons I probably won’t like the Crossing when I get to it, haha.

With Hank’s actions proven as being Hank’s actions, Hank says there’s one more loose end that he wants to help tie off.

He wants to participate as witness when the Avengers hold a court of inquiry for Hawkeye killing Egghead.

This comes as an absolute surprise to Hawkeye, who I guess never read the bylaws. Which honestly, is very in-character for him.

But it being brought up, he insists that all he has to do is enter the findings of the state judge and be done with it.

Hank insists he participate though.

Hank Pym: “Hawkeye is faced with charges because he acted in my defense. It’s only right that I act in his.”

So, the Avengers go to the first floor library, which is apparently the court of inquiry room. I feel like we’re suddenly getting a lot of details about the layout of the Avengers Mansion in recent issues.

So Wasp convenes the court all formal style, so formal style that Hawkeye thinks that stickler Cap(tain America) couldn’t have done a better job. The purpose of the court of inquiry is to determine the validity of the charge of “unreasonable use of deadly force” and determine what if any proper disciplinary action should be taken.

I think Hawkeye is annoyed at having to go through with this (read the bylaws, my dude) because when Wasp asks if he has anything to add to his claim of innocence of the charge, he says he already gave the court copies of the court transcript that cleared him of the same charge, but also decides to speechify a little, because he wasn’t accused of contempt of court enough today.

Hawkeye: “I have already given the chair copies of the transcript of a hearing of the state courts... a hearing which found me not guilty of the same charge. And I have something else to say as well!”

“I don’t deny that my actions caused the death of Egghead. But in no way did I use undue force! I found Hank Pym in mortal danger, and I used the necessary means to save him... period. After all, we are supposed to be the Avengers, right?”

Luckily for Hawkeye, the Avengers are more willing to put up with him than a state court so Jan just goes ‘ok, noted.’

Captain Marvel also has a minor change of heart on Hawkeye. I don’t think we’ve gotten her in-depth feelings on him before (although he did get pissy about her joining the team, we didn’t see her response to that) but she’s impressed because she thought he had more wind than conviction but is seeing that isn’t so. And she’s also impressed by Serious Mode Jan who she thought was kind of flighty.

Captain Monica Marvel seeing all kinds of new sides of the Avengers lately.

Also, this isn’t important and you won’t be able to see what I mean unless I included more caps than I wanted to, but in the panel establishing the court of inquiry, Monica is just standing off to the side. But in the next panel she appears in, she’s moved over to sit on a couch instead.

I think its a framing thing but its still kind of funny to imagine her going ‘wait why am I standing up’ and heading for the comfy couch.

With Hawkeye’s statement given, Wasp invites Hank Pym to speak his piece.

And Hank gets up and gives an entirely unnecessary but probably appreciated defense of Hawkeye.

Hank Pym: “Ladies and gentlemen... I have not always been on the friendliest of terms with Hawkeye. Point of fact, we nearly came to blows a number of times... back in the days when I was an Avenger. But in all the time I’ve known him, Hawkeye has never used undue force.”

“I realize that this inquiry is little more than a formality. I have no doubt that you will find in his behalf. He did, as he said, act only in my defense. Unlike my own recent case before you, there is not the slightest hint of misconduct or negligence. The only thing Hawkeye is guilty of is being a good Avenger.”

“When I last spoke before this body, at my court-martial, I was not in a rational state of mind. I was unfit to be an Avenger. You wisely expelled me. I never expected to speak before you again. And now, I can think of no finer final statement than this... It has been my sincere honor to have known Hawkeye’s fellowship... as it has to have known yours.”

Okay. So. Half a defense of Hawkeye. And half... just a general good-bye and a demonstration that he actually does know how to deliver a defense at a court-martial. Cool.

I imagine if he had a mic, he would have dropped it.

Probably not, actually. Hank isn’t that exact blend of cool and inconsiderate for a mic drop.

Jarvis intercepts Hank on his way out and asks that he come with him to the second floor study. Jarvis has taken the liberty of gathering up the personal items Hank just kind of left in the mansion and packing them for him.

One suitcase has a bunch of Hank’s clothes that he had stashed in the mansion over the years. Including some wacky ties for wacky tie Fridays and a shirt that Hank had just plumb lost.

The other suitcase is a spare Yellowjacket outfit. In case Hank ever needs it.

Then Hank and Jarvis shake hands, Hank thanking Jarvis for everything that he’s done for him and the Avengers. He asks Jarvis to take care of himself because he knows he doesn’t have to ask him to take care of the Avengers.

This is a very touching scene. Its so touching that Jarvis excuses himself to go get misty eyed.

This is a Jarvis appreciation blog because I appreciate Jarvis as well.

Then, as Hank heads back down the staircase, he is intercepted by Thor, Captain America, and Hawkeye.

Yeah, the court of inquiry resolved off-screen because of how forgone a conclusion it was.

The three Avengers basically fall all over themselves to pat Hank on the back. Hank actually looks somewhat panicked by the positive affirmation.

That’s some mixture of funny and sad that I can’t identify.

Hawkeye tells Hank how much he appreciated his unnecessary defense. Thor clasps Hank’s shoulder and tells him he’s a class act, but in Thor-y words. And Cap extends an offer for whatever the Avengers can do to help Hank get back on his feet.

Hank thanks him for the offer but he’s already received an offer from a small research foundation in the Midwest.

Seems like getting exonerated of a treason charge is the best resume of all. That and Hank’s actual impressive resume.

But Cap has some stuff to work out re: Hank because he starts off on the stuff he put on the back burner back in that Ghost Rider issue.

Cap(tain America): “Hank... I know Iron Man would agree, if he were here, that we’re all sorry about the way things worked out. We should have realized the pressures you’d been under, prior to your breakdown. I was group leader at the time! I should have -- !”

Hank Pym: “Hold it right there, Cap! What I did, I did to myself! If I could have admitted that my problems existed... If I’d been willing to open up to you folks... Well, ‘if’ can be a big word sometimes. The fact of the matter is, I screwed up. And you did the only thing you could do! I don’t blame any of you.”

Hank has boarded the personal responsibility train and goddammit he’s riding it to the end of the line!

Good for him. Good clarity for the arc to have in its last issue.

But having started to slightly shout at the Avengers that he’s taking responsibility dammit! (he looks a bit pissed when he’s responding to Cap) Hank awkwardly excuses himself.

Cap tries to stop Hank from leaving because he has reached the bargaining stage of grief, I guess.

Cap: “Hank, wait! It doesn’t have to end like this! We could make a special amendment to the by-laws! We could reinstate you as an Avenger! You could be a special reservist -- !”

Hank: “Thanks, Cap. But no thanks. Trying to play super hero was the biggest mistake I ever made with my life! I was only fooling myself in ever thinking otherwise. But if you ever really think you might need a Yellowjacket again some day...”

He hands Cap the Yellowjacket suitcase.

Hank: “... Here! All you need is a good man and what’s in this case!”

I would hope, anyway. It’s going to be awkward if he opens it up later and its full of wacky ties.

The funny thing, although not really funny ha ha, is that Yellowjacket is the one codename of Hank’s that never really catches on outside of him.

You have multiple Ant-Men, a couple Goliaths, at least one other Giant-Man. There was a second Yellowjacket, eventually. But she didn’t make a big splash.

Despite Hank’s attempt here to pass the torch, Yellowjacket is a codename that remains inextricably tied to him. Which might be the problem. If there were another, more successful or at least more endearing Yellowjacket, Hank’s infamy in the role would not stand out so much.

Alas.

She-Hulk and Captain Marvel try next to intercept Hank. They don’t know him very well but they wanted to say their goodbyes too, despite not really knowing him that well.

Its the thought that definitely counts, probably.

But Hawkeye has some social awareness for a change and draws their attention to Wasp who is hanging back, but who clearly wants to talk to Hank.

So the rest of the Avengers quickly vacate to let Hank and Jan finally have closure. Or re-closure. “I want a divorce and to never see you again” is a kind of closure.

The situation has changed, however.

They both try to apologize to each other and then laugh at the awkwardness.

Hank: “Janet van Dyne, you are one in a million! After all that I put you through, you want to tell me that you’re sorry?”

Wasp: “I think we both made some mistakes along the way, but there were some good times... weren’t there?”

Hank: “Yes. But you can’t base a marriage on just a few good times. I fell for the young lady who reminded me of my first wife... and you thought you’d found the strong, silent hero. But I was never that strong, Jan. You know that now.”

Wasp: “Uh-huh.”

Damn, his prison time really did bring Hank a lot of clarity. That or the pile of therapists Tony kept throwing at him.

Hank also kind of talks over Jan here. Or at least steers the conversation. I don’t know what Jan would have said because Hank tells her that they both have other lives to lead and tells her to take care of herself.

Maybe its for the best, if, like Cap, she was going to try to shoulder all the blame for Hank’s bad decisions.

Hank walks out the door and finds Trish and Fred from the boat waiting to give him a ride to the airport. And then he is gone.

Like in the final image of the COURT-MARTIAL issue, Jan watches at the window.

“The last time Henry Pym left these walls, Janet felt like crying... but couldn’t find any tears. Today, at last, she has found the tears... for her former husband... for her team... for herself. Today, there is pain and remorse and release. There will be time enough for joy and hope tomorrow.”

Emotional catharsis can be like that.

In that the book kept going ‘Jan is really holding her emotions in and that’s probably not overall great for her’ its good that she can let it out now.

Kind of laughing at Captain Marvel and She-Hulk who only recently just met Jan being the ones going there there while the men she has known for years are just awkwardly standing in the background.

And that’s the fall and rise of Hank Pym. Apparently collected in trade as The Trial of Yellowjacket, which is a decent enough name too.

Overall, a good arc. That is kind of hampered by the need for filler and a writer change near the end. But honestly, Stern catches the ball and runs with it. He concludes the arc just as good as Shooter would’ve.

This arc is all kinds of iconic for Hank, although, unfortunately, most people are only aware of the beginning and maybe have a hazy understanding of what the ending does.

Although. This is a really good send-off for Hank. A really, really good send-off that would have worked best if he did like he said and quit superheroing forever.

That’s not to be, obviously, not in a perpetual narrative machine like Marvel. But it feels like it could have been and maybe should have been the last word on his character.

I enjoy Hank in Busiek’s Avengers and in Avengers Academy. And also, conceptually, Hank telling Reed “it’s on, bitch.” I very don’t enjoy Ultimate Hank Pym. So its a balancing act. The perfect exit for the character vs but I like some stuff when they brought him back.

Anyway.

After this, Stern gets to move on to his own material. Which he already planted the seeds for in this issue.

That’s a pun.

Follow @essential-avengers​ because of my bad puns. Also like and reblog, if you like to reblog.

[akumageist]

I would die for Hitori Uzune. RIP to Kazuaki, but I’m different.

The Hatoful fandom consists of 13 people and a paperclip. It always has. Unfortunately, it probably always will. Where this is cause for some perks, it’s also some of its faults. In example, it’s still an anime game, made by a Japanese woman, and attracts weebs. Weebs tend to like to think of characters 2-Dimensionally, breaking the character down to what they think is their core personality traits. Hitori is no stranger to this, and is beaten down into this heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. But I believe Moa is saying “anyone, even the best of us, is capable of becoming a monster if driven to it.” Let’s roll.

2162. Hitori was born into a world of war and hate, plopped into an orphanage at just 2 years old. This can be found in Moa’s canon spin-off manga, where Hitori at about ten years old is caring for the other war orphans along with the other older birds. Luckily for him, he was a genius. He was able to go out and get jobs tutoring birds and support his rag-tag family at his young age.

With that, we know Hitori was not originally cold and heartless, despite how the world may have birthed him. Especially when Nageki arrived frail and sickly. Hitori and the other birds were happy to put in overtime in an attempt to pay for the poor dove’s medications, even in his protest.

Then, 2180 happened. Imagine what sort of toll that would take on Hitori. he was absent. He was at work, unaware of the jeopardy that befell his family. What kind of horrible, mind-rattling survivors guilt must rack this bird’s brain, knowing he wasn’t there as his family was massacred one by one?

“What did we do? We had nothing. Our parents and homes had already been stolen by the humans. All we had left were each other.”

We can gather from this same scene Hitori blames himself for not being there. For not being able to protect his family, or even Nageki. Even though had he been there, he would have died alongside everybirdie else, and left Nageki to succumb to his illness alone. Something of this magnitude would create anxieties and trauma unfathomable to those who did not deal with it.

In Hitori, this manifested as full-blown helicopter mom. He can’t help but think of every little nit-pick detail over Nageki, terrified one feather out of place will kill him. The fandom is good about this side of his character! And of course, so is Moa. This may be the Summer Vacation Drama CD: Hitori The Worrywart (which takes place in MIRROR AU), but I love it’s portrayal of the anxious quail.

Hitori continued to care and ache over Nageki’s declining health. He was desperate. Begging doctors, even though deep in his little quail brain he knew Nageki was a lost cause, and that he was dying. But he couldn’t think of a life without Nageki, and did all in his power to try and keep the bird as well as he could. We can see a great example of this love in words you might not think of.

“How about this? From now on, ‘I’m fine’ is not allowed.”

I’ve always imagined Hitori getting mildly heated at Nageki in this conversation.The quail is on his last strands of stability, and the dove he cares endlessly for is trying to hide the very thing he ails himself over. The genuinity in his words shines through- telling Nageki he’d rather hear he’s bad and hurting.

So, in this desperation, Hitori carted Nageki off to some strange doctor in some strange prestigious school. And how couldn’t he? A doctor who claimed to know of the virus eating away at Nageki’s life, and how to cure it. Hitori’s beacon of hope in a sea of darkness. The only bird in the entire universe he had left to love, the one he had arguably always favored and adored, was dying. He would do anything in his power to keep the one thing he loved alive, no matter the irrationality or cost. No matter the very dying bird’s own lips saying “I… don’t want to go.”

Whether or not you ship these birds, I firmly believe Hitori is in love with Nageki in a romantic sense.

“I can no longer love another creature // I think we meant more to each other than anybirdie else in the world... // The love I felt soured into resentment // I should remember the beautiful face I knew, not… a photo covered in scribbles”

Not to mention admitting he can’t bear to live without the dove in BBL. And, in his route, Hiyoko goes as far as to refer to this bird as a female, which means he’s speaking so fondly she’s assuming it was a lover, and therefore a woman. Hitori’s stopped any sort of love at the idea he can only love Nageki post-mortem. That is canon. And well… that’s not very brotherly, no matter how good of a relationship you may have with your sibling (I speak from experience).

Okay, okay, this persuasive essay is NOT for convincing you of this ship, that is another essay for another time. I’ve only mentioned this opinion because I need you to understand his irrationality for the one thing he has left, and the fragility of it. And why it might drive anybirdie to… Hitori-level madness. Moving on.

2183. A mere 3 years after Hitori had lost the majority of his family to human terrorists. Nageki sends a coded letter, and… we can see Hitori’s anxieties outright.

“It’s happening again. Nageki needs me, and I’m not there.”

This is… a very powerful line in the game. We’re seeing just how vulnerable Hitori truly is. This is a traumatized individual in a panic attack- realizing the love of his goddamn life is once again faced with something horrible, and Hitori is once again absent from the scene.

And just like that, he’s gone.

The only thing. The only one Hitori had left in life to love. To live for. Taken from him without so much as a second chance. This is painful to write. This part of Hatoful is, without a doubt, the most agonizing. I know how it is to lose something so dear and feel as though maybe it’s not worth going on without them.

This is the peak of Moa’s tragedy writing ability (and yes, I’m including Holiday Star). But this is my point, is it not? Though his kanji may be “sun bird”, the actual word for his name “Hitori” quite literally means one, alone, solitary. He is now all alone in the universe, no family left. How can anybirdie even remotely remain in charge of their faculties (as Sakuya would put it) by now? You wouldn’t.

Hitori is now a husk of his former self. Anything he’s ever cared for is gone, he has nothing left to live for. He goes- my favorite coined term for him- absolutely batshit. He gets what we call “trauma-induced psychosis”, and begins to hallucinate very vividly, a form that he refers to as “Nageki”. We all know him of course, as Shadow. Shadow, from the little information we’re able to gather from BBL, is tormenting Hitori ruthlessly.

Shadow is easily misunderstood, because Moa made him fathomable, so the reader was able to understand exactly what was happening. What had become of Hitori Uzune. Shadow in all his simplicity- is Hitori. It is an introjection of Nageki, manifested to validate Hitori in his self-hatred. Don’t you get it? He hates himself just as much as you hate him!

Anything Hitori thinks of himself, Shadow is there to back up. He’s taunting him day in and day out, reminding him that he killed Nageki, and every ounce of Nageki’s suffering life was the fruit of Hitori’s inability to protect him. But again, it’s his own brain, telling him exactly what he wants to hear. What he truly believes. Telling himself what he’s done, and how he deserves this. ...And to seek revenge.

Hitori lost his mind. He had nothing else to lose, after all. He became obsessed with Nageki even moreso than he was in life, because there was no level-headed dove to calm him and tell him to stop worrying so much, or keep him at least reasonably held together by simply being there.

He listened to his psychosis, and when he made a friend (Moa gives evidence Hitori and Kazuaki were friends prior to Hitori’s ill-intentions), his psychosis got in the way of that, too. As he travelled down this relationship (which Moa herself says is pretty much romantic), we can assume he realized just how unable to love he was. He had Kazuaki around because, let’s face it. He wanted someone like Nageki who was incompetent so he could nurture and care for them. And for a while, it worked. But it didn’t. Hitori didn’t love Kazuaki. He couldn’t. He was too busy looking for Nageki.

So, you’re reading this in english. You speak english. At least a little, right? So maybe you played the english (and localized) version of the game. Well then you may not know the following. Please pay attention! This gets a bit rocky, and a bit more “Hitori...!”.

In the English version, Hitori disguised as Kazuaki is “tired”. In the Japanese version, he’s “sleepy” or “dreamy”. I’d describe him as ditsy, for sure. He kind of acts like an airhead who knows absolutely nothing, and his students don’t take him seriously. In the Hatomame Sweet Blend Drama CD, there is a track that follows Kazuaki on a little adventure of his narcolepsy, and going to Shuu for help.

In and out of comatose, Hitori, as himself, is there in his dreams as a separate bird.

“This bird with a face I had never seen spoke to me in a voice I had never heard, and this is what he said.”

“Nanaki-sensei” is clearly denying his own identity.

“I’ll sleep, just a little, and then leave… good… night…”

“But sleeping is my job… You still have a little longer. Tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that…”

This is dream Hitori telling himself that he has to continue his alias until his revenge is fulfilled. The quail that was once Hitori must remain dormant until he is reunited with Nageki again, and can be happy again. As a metaphor for depression… don’t you feel like you’re a shell of your former self?

So, going off this information… I believe Hitori has repressed himself. This is due to my own knowledge on psychology but-- Hitori doesn’t want to be Hitori anymore. It’s too hard. Hitori the war orphan. Hitori the lone survivor. Hitori the murderer and identity thief. It’s him not wanting to deal with his trauma in a healthy way, and instead locking it up and becoming somebirdie new and undamaged.

He killed Hitori.

This falls into the other delusion- that Nageki is somehow not completely dead and gone and ash- but still trapped, somehow, somewhere, and Hitori needs to find and get him. To kill Isa and the researchers who “killed” Nageki, and bring “Nageki” home. Whatever he believes Nageki is. In BBL, we see this quite literally varies! He tried to cut Ryouta open and steal his liver!

“Sir, Nageki would have never wanted this…!”

There is no difference between a serial killer and someone in a court room screaming for the serial killer to be murdered in turn. That mourning mother is then one in the same with that killer, is she not? She sees him, and wants him to die. She wants him to die and suffer. She believes that will bring her a sense of justice. Even though she knows it will not return her son to her. Hitori, is that mourning mother. He sees Isa, and all he can see is the man who murdered his dove.

I know the biggest aspect as to why the fandom hates Hitori is the sole factor that Kazuaki is #relatable. He’s a depressed college student who thinks he’s better off dead. Then, Hitori tricks him. But you’re not reading Kazuaki right. It’s okay, he’s easy to misread from Holiday Star’s plotline. 

Holiday Star was written with Kazuaki as the villain, do you forget? A grey villain as well, but a villain nonetheless. He told his tragic sob story death in such a way, you can’t help but to cry. He’s the victim! I’m not saying he’s not. But he was written specifically to be pitied in Holiday Star, and as you continue on, you begin to see he’s actually just anti-self help. He doesn’t want to face his fears. He doesn’t want to leave his safe egg and take the risk he should have.

Kazuaki is meant to be pitied, yes,  but just on the brink of annoying with his helplessness and self-deprecation. He’s, forgive me, a “sad sack of shit” who does nothing to help himself. Don’t come after me for being “ableist” or whatever- Moa literally wrote him this way.

This is also depicted in “Kazuaki-kun’s Book”. Now, this book takes place in the MIRROR AU, but it tells of how Kazuaki met Hitori. Moa starts the manga off by explaining Kazuaki had a great chickhood, a healthy life, and an easy, happy time. But then, he flunked his college exams and didn’t even get into his safety school. He lazed around, grew depressed, and let his apartment rot. He played video games until his online friends got jobs, and wasted any money he had on them as well. The only thing that scared him out of it is when his next door neighbor was found dead, having rotted into his own futon.

So imagine Hitori, who has worked so hard and lost everything he had done so for. Tirelessly, through his horrible, fucked up existence. Nageki, who had his short and miserable life robbed from him, had to die. Had to kill himself. And this random quail has the audacity to bitch and moan, thinking he’s got it bad? He’s a waste of space that could have been filled with Nageki. This is what Hitori’s brain is thinking. Hitori’s only ~20 years old when Nageki dies, after all.

I’m not saying this is cause for murder and identity theft. Don’t you dare misread me on this. But as I’ve stated prior- Hitori’s completely lost it.  But you ship him with the chukar that literally ruined his life. Hitori’s a grey villain but holy fuck why would you want him to fuck the partridge that tortured and drove his only loved one to suicide?

It was wrong to trick Kazuaki. It was wrong to insult him as he died. It was wrong to steal his identity. That’s obvious and a given. But you all seem to look at that factoid alone, chalking it up to ‘preying on a poor mentally ill man” but not taking into consideration Hitori is mentally ill himself. ...Just not #relatable enough for you.

Hitori is suicidal as well. He’s been suicidal presumably since Nageki died. Don’t you dare say Hitori isn’t at least a little in the same boat. I don’t care if he’s not as soft and uwu and cuddly as Kazuaki. Mental illness is not rainbows and butterflies and emo hair (though Kazuaki is not portrayed this way).

Holiday star bears all the answers. I raise you important points, so pay close attention. The first key component is Hitori, found upside down in the pudding. He’s crying. Why is he crying? Because he’s lost his name? Oh, but think deeper.

“I’m Nemo”.

“Nemo” is latin for nothing, and his name translates to “nothing” in every language of HoliStar. The King has vomited him up in his kingdom, and robbed him back of what he stole from him. His identity.

But it goes even deeper than that.

“I’ve lost something, and so, I think I might cry.”

From this phrase alone, it’s painful to play this game. Nageki is right in front of his beak. But what did he do? He ate his own eyes. Hitori, in his refusal to identify with himself, has robbed himself of quite literally seeing the very bird he adores and sought after. Then, he is renamed his own identity by that bird (the only identity he accepts). How surreally real.

The second key component is when everybirdie is being rescued, but Leone warns Yuuya the quail is clearly falling more rapidly into a coma, and may not be able to awake. Why is this? Because Hitori wants to die. He’s fine with it, and Kazuaki is more than happy to keep him. When Yuuya finds him, Hitori is not at all alarmed as he should be. He seems passive, and simply wants to fall back to sleep. He’s to the point of trying to strangle Yuuya in attempt to let himself fall into eternal slumber (even if he thinks Yuuya is… Kazuaki..?).

Heed these next words carefully. When Yuuya asks if The King did something to him, Hitori replies-

“...No, all The King did was close the door.”

I am a firm believer this is Hitori indirectly saying “Kazuaki did nothing wrong, and I do not resent him for hating me.” Especially since Hitori shows signs of knowing it’s Kazuaki, and repenting.

“He said I need to be punished. Apparently I did something bad… and I think I know what it was.”

This is confirmed in my next point, so bear with me.

Hitori, in this same conversation, is admitting he wants to die. The only thing that stops him- as morbid as it may be, is remembering this takes place before the events of BBL. He hasn’t fulfilled what he believes is his “something I need to do”. Which is seek revenge, and bring Nageki home, as per Shadow’s orders.

Lastly, at the bitter end of Holiday Star when everybirdie is plummeting through the air from the false star, Hitori is still blind and confused. Suddenly, The King erupts from behind Hitori, and appears to be talking to him.

--

“Oh, is that right?”

--

“...I know, I know. ...but it’s still too soon. That’s right, I’ll be along soon. I’ll catch up with you. Someday…”

This is arguably my most prominent point in the entire essay. This is Hitori, admitting not only does he still plan to kill himself, but that he intends to keep his promise and reunite with Kazuaki in the afterlife. These are not the words of a heartless quail. These are the words of somebirdie who knows they’ve taken advantage of a friend, but is continuing to do their best to keep their promises and make amends. This is Hitori telling Kazuaki he still cares for him.

Hitori is the result of trauma and hardship beyond compare, and his inability to cope. He is not meant to be hated. He is meant to have shock value, yes. What he has done his disgusting, but you want to love him. Because he raised the sweetest bird in the entire game who would rather kill himself than hurt others.

Grey-villains are difficult, and because you can’t love them for being purely evil, you end up hating them for being a good person who’s done bad things. Hitori is a cracked window. Not quite shattered, but no longer whole, with a faulty image. Hitori is not just some heartless, manipulative, selfish bastard. He’s quite literally a bird with a broken wing (or entire ribcage more like), trying to… well, Live, and be happy.

[soft-sunflower]

Flower of Evil Thoughts- Episode 13

I think for Episode 13's post, I'm not going recap the whole thing. I'm just going to talk about some keypoints throughout the episode that really stuck with me as these posts are taking up too much time to write and gather caps for. I hope you understand.

Alright, so... we are starting off Episode 13 showing us a bit of Heeseong's past. And it would seem that from the time he was a kid, he was a pretty mentally screwed up individual. Such as throwing bricks off the roof and killing a dog. And I don't buy for one moment, one MOMENT that he "can't remember" and that he's stressed over school and depressed. That's just an excuse. Like I said. He walks out of the counselor's room, smirks and brushes off his fake crocodile tears. He uses that to get people to feel pity for him.

And would you look at that. There's Hyunsoo and his creepy dad sitting there at the psychiatric center. Do Minseok calls Heeseong out there asking if he knows why he did that. "Yes. It was because of teenage depression caused by academic stress." LOL No it wasn't. That sounds like such a fake, rehearsed line to get people to feel sorry for you. Anybody who pays close enough attention to you, or is just like you *cough*DoMinseok*cough*

"You've never met someone like you. You don't know how to play. You must've been lonely while doing it."

Oh my GOD you creeptastic man! We don't mold and groom people to turn into serial killers and be buddied up while doing it, regardless of how *like you* this kid might be. Well, at least now we know how Heeseong became Do Minseok's accomplice and prodigy. Ughhh ewww... that whole scene actually gave me chills.

Okay, so back to where we left off last episode. You know, just Heeseong and his father casually dumping Soon Young's body into the trunk of their car and finding out Hyunsoo and is wife are there at the house. Hyunsoo and Jiwon have arrived at the place they weren't planning to arrive, surprise! Or is it... trash mom looks a little nervewracked over the fact that they're just randomly showing up there. She keeps peeking and checking corners to make sure Heeseong isn't within eyeshot. It's not like a murder was just committed in the middle of the hallway of her house after all. She tries to pull the "I'm feeling tired. I'd like for you to come back tomorrow."

Jiwon interrupts with "I know everything." Uh oh...

So they're in, they're sitting down. Trash mom is all agitated again.

"What do you know and how much do you know?" her fidgety ass gets on my nerves.

Without missing a beat, Jiwon looks her dead in the eye.

"What are you hiding and how much are you hiding?" Girl YASSSSS.

And then they start pulling the whole "you know who your husband really is, and so you'll just accept that?"

"First of all, I want you to know, that I'm on his side no matter what happens."

Damn right she is. That's her man. Whether his name is Do Hyunsoo or Baek Heeseong, that her is MAN and she's got his back. She loves him and she will support him, regardless of what happens because that's what a strong wife does.

So trash dad says there are many things the 4 of them could talk about it.

"There's not only four of us. There's one more person this house, right? Where is he?" LOL GIRRRRRRRLLLLL. I REALLY love her. My badass female lead. She's not wasting ANY time.  And they sure did not waste any time in showing Heeseong hooked up and supposedly in that coma. Claiming he could die at any moment. Oh, please. You can't keep this a secret forever.

"We revealed all the secrets we have." LMAO NO YOU HAVE NOT. LYING SACKS A SHIT.

The way Jiwon and Hyunsoo are looking at each other, they BOTH know something is up and that something is not right.

Ohhh, Hyunsoo, you're brave but playing a VERY dangerous game here. I had a feeling that SOMEHOW this trap he set to catch Yeom Sangchul was going to backfire. But Hyunsoo is right. The person who made a deal with Yeom Sangchul to kill him, the person who offered double the amount of money, the ONLY person who knew he'd struck a deal with Yeom Sangchul that night, who knew the exact amount of money he paid Yeom Sangchul was trash dad,  Baek Manwoo. He also wanted him to kill Park Kyung Choon and was going to pay him to leave quietly. All signs point to there's some seriously shady business going on with Baek Manwoo, and I think Jiwon knows this, no matter how much he and his wife try and play up the innocent act.

"I believe I underestimated you." Well, they definitely handled that well.

"Hyunsoo, it's not me." Thing is, trash dad isn't lying. He's not the accomplice for the murders, but he knows who is and him trying to fake both Hyunsoo and Jiwon out is very obvious. If only they knew that Heeseong is not in a coma.

Oh look, the lights just conveniently go out... and here's how we find out that Yeom Sangchul did not go to the summer house. Because Heeseong tells him not to. This guy is really really smart. He's so smart, he's cunning and having that kind of person for a serial killer is rather terrifying if you ask me.

"Something is off. Something doesn't feel right, but I can't figure out what that is."

Jiwon, you're so close... You KNOW something isn't right and I think Hyunsoo can feel it too.

Also, HYUNSOO DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING IN THAT BASKET. DAMMIT. This is going to be how they frame him for the housemaid's murder. I just know it. He's literally handling everything in that basket and getting his fingerprints all over it. They plotted the whole thing with the lights going out, the candles, the mother dropping the basket of items with a tape roll in it.

They had to figure out how they were going to frame Hyunsoo, and this was too perfect. They are so ahead of the game that it's terrifying, and Heeseong is loving it because it really IS all just a game to him. He's a really scary and creepy character. His calculations are spot on with everything. I'm curious how this is going to turn out when Hyunsoo and Jiwon find out Heeseong is alive and out of his coma and he's the one doing this. I really can't get a read on Gong Mija... is she doing this because she fears for her life hence her almost seemingly reluctance? Or is she doing this because Heeseong's her son? I mean she tried to kill him twice now, so...

"Hyunsoo, I've always thought of you as family. That much I was sincere about."

Is she being serious right now? I mean here she is helping frame him for a murder he didn't commit, but is she also cooperating with Heeseong because she doesn't want her son to kill her on one of his crazy rampages? I think she's afraid of her son and fears for her life, but that she actually does care for Hyunsoo because she knows Hyunsoo is not a monster of a man that everyone has spent years making him out to be? I don't know. It's so strange... she's hard to get a read on.

"No matter what you thought of me, I have never wondered what you sincerely felt, not even once."

What does he mean by saying this? That he doesn't really care what she felt? That maybe he actually knows she's always cared for him? Or that maybe she's never given him a reason to wonder about what she sincerely felt in regards to him? The way she's watching him though as he places everything back into the basket she dropped, particularly when he grabs the roll of tape, is unsettling... I really don't get her. Why would she say that? Is she on his side and is just being used by her son and husband? Or is she on her family's side and enjoying plotting against Hyunsoo, tricking him and then framing him for murder? I can't figure her out yet... she's too back and forth and very inconsistent.

Wow... they're very thorough with framing Hyunsoo for this murder. To the point he's pulling hairs out and putting them in their car. More evidence for the police to find that Hyunsoo is the murderer. Heeseong is one formidable foe. He looks far too amused while sprinkling her hair everywhere. As they say in kdrama, AISH!!!

Alright, who's smoking cigarettes and watching Haesoo...? Is there someone else we don't know about?? Does she have a target on her back too? Can we think at all of who smokes in this drama? Has there been anything suggesting a character like that? Also, the person's handprint is on the window. I would think Haesoo would want to tell the cops this...?

You know, I'm with Jiwon on this. I really wish Hyunsoo would stop getting himself involved, but it's almost like he can't help himself. I mean I can't really blame him. Being pushed into almost committing murder (Park Kyung Choon), being told to leave quietly, having a hit put on his life, his wife finding out who he really is, almost having to leave his entire life and family behind and spending the rest of his life on the run? That's a lot for one man to deal with, but if he'd stop getting himself involved, maybe things wouldn't go so far south. Oh who am I kidding. This is kdrama.

And god love him, he's scared to the core for the safety of his family. The very idea that someone like that could exist in his life makes him sick, and the fact that they could reach Jiwon and Eunha terrifies him. This is definitely one of the WORST times he could've picked to discover he has emotions. I feel so sorry for him right now, because  he's doing what every loving father and husband would around the world. He's wanting to protect his family. And I love how Jiwon tells him that they're stronger than that serial killer. I love how they smile at each other, that seems to give him confidence. that she covers his trembling hand with hers to comfort him. Jiwon is so amazingly strong. I just love her. I can't stop loving this incredible character. I may even love her as equally as I love Hyunsoo.

JEONG MISOOK IS ALIVE AND I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. I CALLED IT!!! I called it from the VERY START of them saying they never found her body and that she is still missing. Kdrama rules. If the body is missing, it likely means that person is alive somewhere. But still I KNEW she wasn't dead. It was a feeling I had since before Park Kyung Choon tried to kill Hyunsoo. It would seem she has no memory of anything. She didn't even know her own name, so it makes me wonder just what happened to this woman?? Hmmm... and how is Sangchul going to use her for insurance? Insurance of what? Is he going to go up against Heeseong now and use Jeong Misook being alive to his advantage? This is definitely interesting.

It's 2:31am and Hyunsoo is getting a call that's waking him. I think that's me every time someone wakes me up haha. That's a pretty late time in the night to be calling anyone though. Annnnd it's Heeseong. That much is obvious. He starts mentioning Jiwon and Eunha claiming he's a fan, but it's more than obvious by the total creep factor of his voice that he indirectly threatening Hyunsoo's family. And Hyunsoo knows this. He can feel it. And the anxiety and fear in him is high now. His family has a target on their backs.

What does he do? Search up the location of the phone number and leaves... oh NO. DO NOT leave the house!!! This is the perfect opportunity they have to continue to frame you for murder. They will use the "You left the house for awhile last night, so where were you?" Hyunsoo, I admire your fierce determination to protect your family and to continue to put together pieces of the puzzle, but this is REALLY REALLY bad... and OOHHHH there's a dash cam on someone's car!!! I mean I get that they're on vacation, but please tell me that dash cam might come into play??

Inside the payphone box written on the wall is

"Hide and seek. I can see you, but you cannot see me." And we know Heeseong wrote that specifically for Hyunsoo. He knew that Hyunsoo would come to that pay phone trying to find him. He's having far too much fun with this. It's nervewracking how calculating he is.

And naturally, people cleaning up the woods would find the body. Of course. Hyunsoo left the house, went to the pay phone and that body is likely buried very close to where he was at. And poor Hyunsoo. He's so stressed out and nervous about the indrectly threatening phone call he received, that while he's pouring breakfast smoothies he made for his family, he doesn't realize he's spilling it out all over the table. Instead, he keeps repeating the sound of the voice from last night's call and comparing it to the accomplice's voice in the threatening message he sent years ago. He knows they're the same.

Jiwon asks if her hubby is okay because he's thinking so hard about something he's spilling smoothie everywhere. Then sweet little Eunha comes running with a hairclip for her daddy to put in her hair for her. Makes me wonder how often he's went shopping with Eunha, picked out little hair clips and things for her as well as do her hair for her in the mornings before school? It's such a sweet thing between father and daughter. But ohhhh, Eunha. Why do kids have such big mouths? Lol He left early this morning and she saw? Ohhhh noooo... Busted. Jiwon knows you left. And saved by the bell. Or rather, the phone ringing. It's not like he can just start telling his family right there in front of the both of them that he received a passive aggressive call last night indirectly threatening their lives.

Eunha's little "Fighting, mom!" Was soooo cute as Jiwon rushes off to work.

I love how protective Hyunsoo is over his precious little girl.

"Eunha, look at daddy. Did you talk to a stranger recently?" "No." "You didn't think first." "Hmmm? No." "Never go anywhere with a stranger. What are the rules?" "I will not go anywhere with a stranger. An adult doesn't ask a kid for help. Mom, Dad or Grandma would never ask someone else to come pick up Eunha."

Look at their big smiles. I love how holds her face in his hands and tells her she did well.

Awww baby girl is hungry! How is she SO CUTE!?

"Dad! My stomach gurgled! Did you hear that?" And when he puts his ear up against Eunha's belly. Goodness my heart melted but then cracked at the same time. I'm so scared for this little family. I'm scared to death for Eunha... she's so precious and innocent. Heeseong worked for human traffickers that also kidnapped and sold off children. I'm so afraid for her. I'm so scared something is going to happen to her.

Alright, so the thumbnail is missing on Soon Young's body again. What is it about Heeseong's obsession with fingernails?? He collects the ones on the left hand from his victims while also biting off his own on his left hand. Is this just how he commemorates the killings of his victims? By collecting their nails? Ughhh GOD he is just so GROSS.

Noona is back at Hyunsoo's shop and confirms to Hyunsoo that the accomplice can't be Baek Manwoo because during the time that he was meeting up with them, someone was watching her. Hyunsoo tells Haesoo about the strange call he received in the middle of the night. Thank GOD she knows this!! This is actually really important, I feel. I'm almost hoping that Haesoo contacts Jiwon to tell her about this after everything goes down. I don't like that Hyunsoo is keeping this a secret from Jiwon. I get why, but I wish he'd tell her. I feel like this is really important. And now Moojin is telling them about the body being found and that it was missing a thumbnail, because neither had any clue about anyone being murdered.

The fact that they found her notebook and her notes inside shows the direct connection she had with the murderer. Jiwon looks unsettled as she's reading the notes and wondering who she'd be referring to when she says "If you do this again, I'll tell madam and Director Baek." And of COURSE the body would be found in Makmun-dong... the same location Hyunsoo was at last night when he was checking where the phone call he received had come from. UGH! The Baeks had this too well planned. How frustrating...

And now that they have identified the body, Sunbae is informing Jiwon that it's her in-law's housemaid. Jiwon thinks back to last night on their drive home when Hyunsoo states he needs to meet with the housemaid. She knows something isn't right and rushes out stating she has something to confirm urgently.

I'm really trying to understand Heeseong's obsession with Hyunsoo. Why is he so obsessed with him? Does it have to do with the fact he's Do Minseok's son? Is there something he has planned in regards to him?

Moojin says something here that I feel is really important.

"Serial killers can't contain their urge to kill. Perhaps it was because they were in a situation where they couldn't do anything for the last 18 years."

He's right. Heeseong was in a coma. That's why he couldn't do anything. That's why the serial killings stopped. I'm sure he worked behind the scenes for awhile with the human trafficking ring, but the night he hit Hyunsoo with the car and tried to bury him alive? That's when everything stopped. His family even went to so far as to lie and state he left the country and was studying abroad. I mean really now.

Awww, Hyunsoo doesn't want his sister being alone and very unsafe and exposed, so he tells her that she needs to stay with Moojin. I'm not really a fan of their pairing, but I do love the fact that Hyunsoo is entrusting her safety to someone. Honestly, I'd rather it be Moojin because there's nobody else out there he can ask or trust to care for her and keep her safe. He makes Moojin promise him that he won't leave Noona alone and that he'll keep her safe.

Hyunsoo, Yeom Sangchul is not someone you can use so easily to get close to the accomplice, especially now that Sangchul has his own ideas and isn't so willing to cooperate with Heeseong now.

I'm really wondering what plans Sangchul has for Jeong Misook. He's not sympathetic over her having it rough. He's gonna get paid? How? Obviously he knows that Baek Heeseong is the accomplice and a serial killer, but since he failed to kill Misook, what are his plans to use this to his advantage? I have to do more thinking on this. If you guys have any ideas of what you think he's going to do, please tell me so we can plot and speculate.

Okay, so Jiwon is fingerprinting her husband and comparing the fingerprints. I'm not so sure she willingly believes that her husband went out in the middle of the night and committed a murder on Soon Young. I think Jiwon knows something is definitely up, because she knows Hyunsoo wouldn't just suddenly at the drop of a hat decide to randomly commit a murder after everything they've been through and after revealing his whole life to her. He had plenty of opportunities where he could have committed murder, but the very idea of it sickens him. He expressed that much on their drive home from the Baek's.

Heeseong continues to disturb the hell out of me more and more. He might love and worship his mother, but I get the feeling that if she made one wrong move, he wouldn't hesitate to murder her ass too. And I think the mother is terrified of her son so she's trying to be careful not to make the wrong move. She doesn't want to set off her serial killer son after all. And just like I said, I KNEW they were going to use Hyunsoo picking up all those items, especially the roll of tape, to their advantage. I knew she was in on setting this trap for him. And she seems almost guilty that she did that, after remembering Hyunsoo gently pulling a string of fuzz out of her hair.

Hyunsoo is calling Yeom Sangchul from the burner phone... And who answers? Well SHIT now. Hyunsoo knows that Jeong Mi Sook is alive!!! And I also feel like this is VERY important and needs to be paid close attention to.

Jiwon enters the shop and starts questioning where Hyunsoo was at. Was it Makmun-dong? So Jiwon tells him who's body they found, and that she was in charge of taking care of a person who's in a coma and that she was the Baek's housemaid? She tells him the fingerprints on the tape turned out to be his, all the while shedding tears.

At first I thought, Jiwon are you kidding me? You're a DETECTIVE. You KNOW where the two of you were last night. You KNOW that your husband disappeared from your side very briefly to help "mother" gather up items she dropped everywhere. You KNOW what kind of man your husband is so WHY are you suspecting him of murder now!? This is NOT your style, this is VERY inconsistent of your character, as well as your claim of "no matter what happens, I'll stand beside him." Those were my first thoughts upon all of this when she tells him he's a murder suspect and she's arresting him without a warrant.

Also, I knew the mother would tell the police that she suspects Do Hyunsoo murdered the housemaid. This whole entire thing orchestrated between the 3 Baeks was too well thought out and too well done. Now the entire police force believes him to be a true murderer and that he's guilty. My stomach just twisted. Sunbae just told all of them that Hyunsoo is Jiwon's husband... oh god...

CAN PEOPLE FOR REAL STOP FRAMING HYUNSOO FOR LIKE FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!? OMG!!! It's unbelievingly frustrating!!!!

Anyway, I don't think Jiwon is suspecting her husband of murder. I think she starts to cry because she knows that he's being framed. She also knows that police are going to find out and will be showing up to arrest him as a murder suspect, so she wants to arrest him first. She even tells him that they will make sure he does not get punished for what he didn't do. Jiwon knows that her husband did not murder that woman and that he's been framed. Jiwon is doing this protect him. She's wanting to take him to the police station because honestly he would be safest there while giving his statement as well, but she is not telling her husband this, because she herself wants to get to the bottom of who's framing him once again. That's what I truly believe. Jiwon has her own agenda, and it makes it hard because she and Hyunsoo are not on the same page.

Hyunsoo seems legit heartbroken that his wife believes him to be a murder suspect. So much to the point that he sees the image of his father, has a flashback to his father telling him this.

"Love can be very cunning. It is very sly. It makes you think you can solve everything, but in the end, it betrays you. Hyunsoo, listen to me carefully. When you feel the urge to trust somebody one day, it means you're becoming weak."

Okay, yes, he is distraught by this. He's genuinely hurt because he thinks Jiwon doesn't believe him. That Jiwon doesn't trust him anymore, so much so that it crushes him and makes him see his father once more telling him this. Jiwon gives him that look because she remembers him "seeing" things before that wasn't there. The fact that his wife would believe for even a moment that  he could be capable of killing anyone has sent Hyunsoo's mental health on a bad decline once again, and I am so worried for him...

"Tell me something. Do you believe me?"

Jiwon can only say "What?" Because I don't think she realizes what's happening to her husband's mental stability right now thanks to her.

"Or deep down inside, do you believe that I really could have killed her?" He tearfully tells her "If you don't even believe me, then who else in the world would believe me?"

And now, here's where I believe Hyunsoo shuts of those emotions long enough to put his own agenda into play. He's not going to trust anyone anymore, because all it's been doing is getting him hurt, getting people out wanting to kill him, putting his family's lives in danger, and even making his wife not believe in him. Like hell he's going to that police station when the lives of his family are in danger and he knows it. I'm pretty sure I know what Hyunsoo is doing. For this moment, he's throwing away love.

It suggests as much from the preview for Ep 14, but it appears to me that he's setting his own trap.

For one, I will say, he's definitely heartbroken over the fact (at least through Hyunsoo's eyes) that his own wife seemingly does not believe nor trust that he did not kill Park Soon Young, so I can understand his hurt here. I think my heart ached for him too. However, I fully believe that the CCTV was a set up, as well as him "attacking" his wife and holding a blade to her throat. That was a set up too.I believe he was trying to show hostility toward his wife to better her chances and give the accomplice less of a reason to want to go after her. Also, back when he attacked Moojin, he had no CCTV set up in his shop at that point in time, because why would he? It's his OWN shop. There's literally zero reason to have a CCTV in there, especially when he never did before. His shop is right below his house. At least I don’t recall ever seeing one in there til this episode. All he did was lock the doors and close the blinds. There was no unplugging cameras at all.

He points Jiwon toward the monitor and he's turning this into a "hostage" situation because now he's been framed, yet again, for ANOTHER murder he didn't commit, and he knows that that accomplice knows about his family. He knows that the strange call he received at 2:31am was from the accomplice and that his family is ultimately in danger and being targeted. He's creating a hostage situation and is going to do his best to get Jiwon and Eunha somewhere safe. I fully and 100% believe this, because that's Hyunsoo's style and because of the preview for the episode. Like him telling his wife in a very gentle voice "We'll see each other again. Don't look at me like I'm going off to die. Wish me luck instead." Also, they're running off together hand in hand. Jiwon doesn't look like she fears for her life.

It would seem like cheap writing for her to just suddenly start randomly suspecting her husband of murder. It's not Jiwon't style and it's horribly inconsistent to her character up til now. I think both Hyunsoo and Jiwon have their own agendas because Hyunsoo kept the secret of the phone call from Jiwon, and Jiwon knows that someone is trying to have him killed, namely the Baeks. Hyunsoo is using the logical side of himself rather than reacting through the emotional side, because emotions CAN make you weak and now he needs to be as calculating in this game as Heeseong does. Now it's his turn to play Hide and Seek while finding out that Heeseong is the accomplice.

My heart is pumping now and I cannot WAIT til next week!!! It's going to be a very long, agonizing wait, these next 5 days.

[werevulvi]

Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

[iffyswriting]

Star Quality

Pairing: Pardison Fontaine x Black! Thick! OC

Summary: A story with some smut at the end. May give it a part two, I don't know yet.

I don’t know about y’all but that fine ass man right there got my ovaries on LOCK.

I blame my friend, Dom for this. She encourage the whortivity.

Anyway enjoy,☺🥴

The light shined bright on my face, my eyes slightly blinded. Anxiety rested in my chest as I looked over all the people in the stands. So many of them were screaming, pumped up with excitement. So many were screaming my name.

All these people here just to see lil ole me.

I searched through the crowd, hopeful to see his face but I knew he wasn't going to be here.

I wanted to be wrong but what's true is just what it is.

I blinked back my tears as I began with my first song of the night 'Heartbreak'. I started strong, singing my heart out as things went on my lyrics hitting closer to home.

My mama told me to stay away from the industry niggas.

If we both wanted a career, it'd never work she said. I didn't listen because I figured who better to understand me, than someone with my exact goals- we could be an it couple, we could be successful together.

I should've listened.

The year before.

"And you said we'd be late." I teased, taking my bodyguard, Tommy's hand as I stepped down from the car.

"You took your sweet ass time at the Hotel."

"My makeup is a whole regime- one lash out of place and my whole energy is off." I said matter of factually, pleased when he didn’t reply.

I looked up at the radio station, my heart swelling with happiness. I'd never been invited to do an interview before- I've never been famous before either. This year was full of firsts for me and honestly, I'm ready to accept it all.

"Nervous?"

"Not nervous- terrifyingly happy, I'll say."

"Those don't go together."

"A lot of things I do don't but I make it work." He chuckled to my side, his laughter easing my nerves. 

Plopping into a chair, I bounced in my seat giving the biggest grin I could to everyone in the room. You could say I was a little too eager.

"We got brand new artist- Sincerity in the building!" He started off cupping his mouth to make an echo effect.

"Wassup y'all!" I said excitedly, my bubbly giggle bursting through.

"I see your animated this afternoon.”

"I'm grateful as hell to be here, that's why."

"We're just as happy to have you." He spoke returning my grin. "Let's talk about your new hit single, Black Jack that just hit number 2 on the top 100 in the U.S. and number 12 worldwide. How does it feel as a new artist to become this popular, this fast?"

"It feels so good and so unexpected. When I recorded it, I had high hopes but they never went up this high."

"I guess that's on me for having such low expectations," I said shaking my head.

"Could you tell me the meaning of the song? Give a little insight."

"Black Jack is about gambling with your life and all the decisions you want to make with so little time. Everything we do feels like we're playing a game of chance and I think my song with its fast-paced beat really gives you that feeling."

"Any inspirations?"

"You'd be surprised to hear this but I had such a huge mixture of music growing up."  "Like from Lauryn Hill to Bjork, I was everywhere and I think that really shows in the songs that I make. I like to be versatile.”

The energy in the room shifted slightly and I braced what was he was going to say.

"So recently you've taken pictures with New York rapper, Pardison Fontaine." Tommy gave me a look and I sat up straighter, paying attention. Nervousness started to run through me because anything I say could be critical to my career.

Junior was a lot like other radio people, messy as hell because that's what people like to hear. They're interested in you but they're more interested in the drama that surrounds you because it creates traction.

My manager, Shanice couldn't come but she prepped me the night before telling me what to do. 

"Yeah, we took them at Meg's birthday party! It was so much fun." I said nodding my head at the memory. " I took pictures with a bunch of other people too."

"But Pardi is in all of them, one way or another."

"We were sitting together. We talked throughout the party."

"About what?" Junior looked me in the eye, his slick smirk making me scoff. He was trying to get into my head but I stayed resilient.

"About business deals and music really," Pausing, I leaned into the mic closer continuing to talk.

"I can admit he cute or whatever," I said with an eye-roll, everyone else laughing with me.

"But there's literally nothing between us, I super duper promise," I say crossing my heart. " We're just friends- friends, who when they cross paths, take a whole lot of pictures and talk."

"That's it?"

"Dassit." I said quickly, laughing afterward. The disappointment in his face spoke volumes and He looked like he wanted to press further but he knew he couldn't. He moved onto the next question, my interview going much smoother.

Finally leaving the radio station, my phone started to buzz in my hands. I already knew he was gonna call me the minute it ended and I took my time to answer letting it ring a little longer.

"You make me sick."

"Now, I know that's a lie." Pardi, or Jordan as I called him said, I could practically see his smirk over the phone.

"You don't know shit."

"So, I'm just cute or whatever?"

"Ain't that what I said?"

"You've said more than that."

"I been lying." I admitted playfully

"That easily? Wowww-" He faked shock and I bit back a smile, scratching at my hand. Despite my dodging, he did make my stomach flip inside out and made me think things I know I shouldn’t have been.

"You seemed to be so tuned into the radio today- I thought you didn't listen unless you were on it?"

"I had to support my girl."

"I'm your girl? That's crazy."

"You always gonna be my girl." I let out a breathless laugh, my heart thumping in my chest like a drum.

"Okay, Jordan."

"Come see me." He said confidently making me raise an eyebrow.

"See you where?"

"At the studio. You know that's my second home." It was mine too and my mama was constantly down my throat about not being stable with my sleeping. 

"Who else gon' be there?"

"Nobody. Just the two of us." Blinking, I opened my mouth trying to find a response. 

"You plotting, you're trying to get me all alone."

"You gonna fall for the trap?"

"Maybe” Feeling frisky, I pushed harder. “I don’t feel so convinced, though.”

"If you come, I'll mix something for you."

"Something new?"

"Brand spanking new, baby." He slapped something for emphasis and I shrugged my shoulders like he could see me. 

"I'm feeling a little persuaded-"

"I also happen to have some new music- you know I trust your judgment." He came to me for a-lot of things, whether it be a critique or some advice we talked about so much. 

"Since you're begging me at this point, I'll show up."

"I can't wait." I could hear his grin and I couldn’t suppress my own anymore, full on biting my lip as a smiled.

"Don't cream your pants, now."

”I won’t even say what I’m thinking,” He chuckled. “See you in a second, Nelle.” 

“Bye, Jordan. “ Clicking off my phone, Tommy stared at me- a smirk on his lips. The kind i absolutely hated. 

"What?"

"Nose wide open over that boy."

"Just like I told Junior, I'm gonna tell you."

"We're just friends."

*********

Watching intently as his fingers danced over the keys, one by one he let my head lean on his shoulder. He made me feel so comfortable, his shoulder felt like a hard pillow. 

"How long you been playing the piano?"

“A long ass time.”He thought for a second. “My mom’s wanted me to be productive with something and music became that something.” 

"I want a kind of interlude, you know with the piano playing the back. Soften the soul you know?"

“Yeah, I can see it.” 

I opened my mouth to sing a couple of notes as he kept going. He went up higher and I followed suit, going low when he went he low too. He found somewhere steady and I let my voice rest there with him, finishing softly.

The way he looked at me, his eyes trained on my face so hard it's like he was entranced. Being his center of attention made my heart swell.

"I ever tell you, how much I wish I could sing."

"You know how to hold a tune."

"Nah but if I could belt out like I want, I'd be all over the place."

"How you feel singing from your chest." Taking his hand I pressed it right to my breast, and looked him in his eyes.

"It's like grabbing something from within and pushing it out." I took one deep breath and then another his hand rising with each breath I took.

His hand slowly dragged up my neck to touch my cheek. He seemed hesitant at first but I leaned further into his hand, moving in closer.

We kissed softly to test the waters but we weren’t gentle kind of people. The second kiss felt more impassioned and aggressive, as I sighed behind his lips his touches all over my body jolting me.

He placed his hands on my waist pulling me onto his lap. With my legs on either side, I pressed my panties against his clothed shorts grinding on him so he could feel how wet he was making me. 

"What we about to do here?"

“The fuck you think.” I said impatiently, swiping my gloss off his bottom lip even though I was going to stain it some more. 

“I’m just wanna know before, we get too deep.” 

"I know what I want."

"Do you?" Pressing my hand against his chest I started to unbutton his shirt, keeping up eye contact. 

"I do."

Scrunching my dress up around my hips, he pushed my thighs apart pressing his fingers onto my clit. He was gentle swiping against it but I want him to be rougher.

He lined up his tip and slid inside making me gasp. I threw my arms over his shoulder, my fingers becoming entangled in his curls as I bounced on his dick our cum echoing in the room. 

He gripped my ass, making me bounce faster. 

Standing up from the chair, we kissed as he stroked up into me. My back hit the cold glass and something clicked on behind me but with how good he was fucking me I couldn't care less.

"You feel so fucking good-" One of his hands grasped my neck, the other touching the dip of my back to get in deeper. I bit back a smirk, my breasts heaving up and down as he picked up speed.

His deep groans of pleasure, rumbled in my ear and into the pit of my stomach. 

I clenched around him slowing things down, his hand tightening it's grip. He guided my face up, sloppily french kissing me our tongues melding together. He pecked my lips one more time gazing at me.

“You gotta take it.” He mumbled, making me wrap my legs around his waist entrapping him.

I pushed him back onto his chair, plunging him back inside of me. 

“I’m not the one who needs to take it.” I said breathlessly, kissing his neck lining hickies where his tattoos were.

His chest rose and he shuddered underneath me, his big hands on my back rolls guiding me clearly as I fucked him into the chair. My thighs clapped together and I moaned quietly stopping in my tracks as my orgasm started to crash onto the horizon.

He pushed my thighs back open, circling my clit so I could cum all over his dick. He pulsated inside me and every movement made me feel more sensitive as minutes ticked on. 

“Gon head and cum.” He teased me, bringing our lips together once more. He swallowed back my moans, easing me into a steady lull of pleasure.

I came seconds later, a trembling mess. His name tumbled from my mouth in repeated chants, his strong arms surrounding my hips to keep me in place. He sat still in me, his own body barely holding on. 

I couldn’t tell if you it was lust, or the fact I had in the palm in my hand but as I ground onto him knowing he was going to cum in me, the power and love I felt was unmatched.

He stopped trying to stop me, relishing in his satisfaction as he painted my walls white. His cum filled me up to the brim and I slid back watching it ooze out a little, the sweat on pooling my forehead sliding between my breasts.

He caressed each part of fat on my body the look in his eyes so intense, my heart barely matched it. He said 4 words that cemented everything and from there I was locked in.

“Let’s do this again.” 

[peanutpinet]

Nine Percent Scenarios My Brain Thought of based on the pictures My Brother Chose

Quick Note: so, since the first one did so well and I had several a lot of pictures saved on my Pinterest, I decided to let my brother chose which pic I should do a scenario of next XD Also, merry Christmas to those who are celebrating!! And sorry if some of these scenarios are well, not that good

Cai Xukun

CAN I FIRST SAY, WOW!! ONE OF THE FEW PICS I HAVE THAT IS ACTUALLY BRIGHT LOL, OKEY, ONTO THE SCENARIO

So, for this pic of Kun, I imagine that Kun had finally gotten a day off and booked a whole day just with you. Because he didn’t want to get disturb by the press (even though he loves his iKun), he invited you out for a morning sail. He even went as far as planned the whole day himself because he knew how much you would love it and how you were the one that normally do the planning whenever he got a chance to spend the day with you. Kun texted you the location and allowed you to wear any kind of clothing you’d like; even though he went the extra mile to wear a suit (BUT HEY, IT’S A SPECIAL DAY AND WHO’S JUDGING).

“No, don’t worry (Y/N). I didn’t wait that long. You look lovely, as always (proceeds to kiss the side of your temple)”

“Hope you’re fully rested, I have planned the whole day for us *wink wink*”

Chen Linong

OMO SOFT NONGNONG HAS RETURNED!! LOOK HOW SOFT HE IS!! UWU, I THINK IMMA HEAD TO DREAMLAND. EHEM, SCENARIO!!

So, for Nongnong, similarly to Kun, Nongnong finally gotten a day off to spend with you. So, Nongnong texted you, telling you to choose whatever it is you wanted to do which ofc, you were most excited for. You knew Nongnong for his sweet caring side and he would pay attention to every small details. So, to say you were shock when you found Nongnong waiting outside of your place the day of his day off was an understatement. But Nongnong was also shocked as you were because you looked absolutely stunning that Nongnong was just blankly staring at you; even when you were walking up to him.

“I didn’t expect you to come this early”

“Well, I didn’t expect for you to dress up. Not that I’m complaining or anything. You look absolutely stunning”

“Says the person who is wearing a suit today *giggles*”

“Huh? Oh? HAHAHA. C’mon? Ready to go?”

“Of course!!”

*insert Nongnong taking his elbow out for you to grab* 

*also insert this author dying*

Fan Chengcheng

First and foremost, not gonna lie, this was one of the difficult ones to think about but I did think of one so here it goes!!

Alright, so for Chengcheng’s one, it may be a bit angsty (which I have never done, so forgive me if it sucks) BUT DO NOT FRET!! I THOUGHT OF A LIL FLUFF AT THE END!! So, I imagine that you and Chengcheng were best of friends. You were friends since junior high up till high school (right before he had to go for idol producer). Even though he seemed quite distant due to the rise of popularity, you were one of the only friends he still kept in contact with. His reasoning is because you weren’t like the other girls in the school who tried to get his attention to either date him or maybe even use his (okie, his sister)’s fame.

He may be a busy man nowadays but you guys still managed to talk; even till this day. Little did you know that there was another reasoning to why he still kept in contact with you, that he would spend just a little time to reply to you even if it is just a simple, “how are you?” or “how have you been doing?”. Because Chengcheng actually had a little crush on you right before he had to leave to compete for idol producer. Unfortunately,when he found out you had been going out with this guy you met at your campus, his hope of you having a crush on him was literally crushed.

To say Chengcheng was disappointed was not really true. Sure, he was broken but he partially blamed it on himself for not being brave enough to tell you how much he cared for you. Because of this, his actions even changed. He would rarely be seen in his happy state and would rarely make jokes. Even mama Ting was concerned for his well-being because he has been a mess ever since he found out. He even talked with you a whole lot less than he used to. Not wanting to reply you for a few days has been a new habit of his.

It wasn’t until one-day that mama Ting told him that he needed to go out and pick some groceries since his fridge was practically empty and he has been instant noodles (too often) for the past 3 months. Despite being lazy (especially, no thanks to the rain), Chengcheng finally pulled in the little will-power he had left and went to get the groceries mama Ting asked for. However, what he didn’t expect was on his way back home, he saw a familiar figure with a hoodie, walking right past him in the rain. Thankfully, he managed to caught a glimpse of the face and he was shock to see it was you.

The cheerful girl he knew back in high school, the one to always nag about his health (aside from his mom and mama Ting) was now walking in the cold rain with just a hoodie to shield herself. Chengcheng had no idea what had gotten to him that he decided to pull you under his very own umbrella.

All the sadness and frustration was washed away and was switched with worry. He asked you what’s wrong yet you didn’t dare to tell him and just let him know that you were fine. MISTAKE! Chengcheng finally stood up for himself and managed to bring you back to his place where mama Ting was waiting for.

After arriving back at his place, mama Ting was nearly going to scold Chengcheng for being so long until he saw you, dripping wet from top to bottom. So, mama Ting just let out a huge sigh and immediately “forcefully” (gently) pushed you to the bathroom, telling you to take a hot steamy shower as he was preparing dinner.

Once you were finally done with your shower and changed your clothes with some of Chengcheng’s clothes (aka big hoodie!!), you came out to both Chengcheng and mama Ting in the kitchen, slightly bickering. Noticing you were finally out, Chengcheng nudged you to come and sit by the countertop as mama Ting poured three bowls of soup with rice.

Though you were not ready to tell anything to Chengcheng, you were more than grateful that he brought you to his home and to Zhengting for cooking. Also for both boys not to pressure you to say anything. Once dinner was over, Zhengting excused himself to head back and told you that you should stay at Chengcheng’s place for a bit and if you wanted to go home, Chengcheng should take you home.

After Zhengting left, Chengcheng let you relax in the living room as he was going to shower. Whilst Chengcheng was showering, you looked around his apartment. Amazed how much he has changed from when you both were still in school. Though, he still made some mess just like back then. However, one little portrait caught your eye. It was an old photo of both you and Chengcheng when you both performed for your school’s talent show and won.

Suddenly, Chengcheng was out of the shower and changed into his pyjamas. He mentioned that that picture was one of the few pictures from his school day that he still kept. He mentioned that it was a precious day and meaningful to him. He then mentioned how he was extremely grateful to have you as his friend even till this day. Chengcheng then suddenly apologised for being a bit MIA the past weeks. He said that something came up and he had been quite busy.

Hearing what Chengcheng said about you made you decide to tell Chengcheng why you were walking through the streets in the rain. You told him that your relationship hasn’t been going well and this morning you found out that you were cheated on. So, you decided to just leave to who knows where fate may bring you. Listening to everything you said, Chengcheng felt even dumber for ignoring you the past few weeks.

Not wanting to hear about your ex, Chengcheng pulled you into a hug whilst you started to sniffle. Stroking your hair gently, Chengcheng finally admitted to you how he ignored you the past weeks because he was heartbroken that you were dating someone else. He then also admitted you that he has been having a crush on you right before he left to compete in idol producer. You then also admitted to him that you also had a slight crush on him but you didn’t think it was possible because it was the Fan Chengcheng here.

“Well, looks like we have a lot of catching up huh? But first, I’d like to find that bastard who hurt you”

WOW, THIS TURNED OUT A WHOLE LOT LONGER THAN I EXPECTED BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS

Justin Huang Minghao

Alright, another slightly difficult scenario to make. Big thanks to my brother for choosing these pics :’) Anyways, I hope this scenario will be alright. Here it goes

For Justin’s scenario, I imagine that both you and Justin were playing in an escape room and the theme of the escape room was in an abandoned building/abandoned club. Both of you were going through it with no problem. Though both of you were scared by some of the npc, Justin had no problem with the situation and was more concerned of your well-being. However, when the situation came and the both of you were separated, Justin wasted no time in finishing his mission and finding you. But as it turns out, it was an ambush from a gang. This pissed Justin even more as he was part of a “gang” himself (*cough* 9% *cough*). When Justin did manage to escape, he found the gang and put a stop to them before they do anything much worse; also finding you and making sure you were alright.

“Never leave my side ever again (Y/N). I don’t give a damn about the rules because your safety is way more important than winning some game (insert Justin grabbing your hand and both of you walking out of the escape room)”

Lin Yanjun

OMO WHY IS IT THAT ALMOST EVERY PHOTOSHOOT YANJUN DOES IS JUST DAMN GOOD?! ALRIGHT, I SHOULD STOP RAMBLING AND GET ONTO THE SCENARIO I PLANNED FOR YANJUN!!

You and Yanjun have been in a secret (not to y’all family and close friends) relationship. At first, Yanjun was worried that the relationship won’t last long because he’s a busy man and rarely shows his emotions well (not to mention that he and the 9% bois are in a gang) . Instead, thanks to you, Yanjun has opened up more, even if it is about something small like his favourite bakery was out of his favourite bread. And now, the both of you are in your first year together. The both of you had promised to clear out your schedule and spend the whole day together. However, little did you know that Yanjun planned to surprise you by visiting you a few days earlier before your first year anniversary.

Yanjun was more than happy to be able to clear out his schedule for the whole week and surprise you. He even planned out the outfits he would wear for the week and gotten you a little present. However, all those happy imagination was instantly crushed the minute Yanjun arrived at your place that he would normally call his second home. The second home Yanjun would come to, always had a warm feeling but this time, he had a bad feeling just by arriving at the front of your door.

When he was about to unlock the door with the key you gave him, it was already somewhat unlocked. Worried that something happened to you, Yanjun instantly kicked the door, not worrying about having to get it fix later on. The sight that Yanjun saw was not a pleasant one as everything was basically upside down. 

Without thinking, Yanjun shouted for your name, bashing down any door that was in the way. Unfortunately, the condition he found you was not what he had hoped. At first, there were traces of blood starting from your bedroom and up till the connected bathroom. Worried that someone else may be in there, Yanjun got his favourite gock ready and opened the door slowly, revealing a dead boy on the floor with you hugging yourself right in the corner of your bathroom.

In an instant, Yanjun put his gun back in his coat, kicked the dead body away and hugged you, not caring about the blood that is staining his body and clothing from top to bottom. After cleaning the place and you (because you could care less at the moment that Yanjun was seeing you bare skin, well let’s say you’re wearing a swimsuit to keep it pg), Yanjun helped you got change and carried you to bed, tucking you in ever so gently. Soothing you and not leaving your sight until you have fallen asleep. Once you did fell asleep, Yanjun contacted Nongnong (who just happened to be around the area), asking Nongnong to look after you which Nongnong didn’t question.

It didn’t take Nongnong long to come and at the same time, Yanjun had gotten the location of the people who pissed him that night. Yanjun asked Nongnong to take care of you as he’ll be out and won’t be bake till around dawn which Nongnong asked what was he going to do and Yanjun just answered with “blood for blood” and headed out, bringing his favourite gun.

Once Yanjun had arrived at the enemy’s location, he wasted no time and got to work. Surrounding the entire building with gunpowder, Yanjun moved backwards to the entrance before the building before firing a bullet, getting the attention of the people within the building, who were armed with whatever weapons they had.

The scene was intense up until Yanjun pointed towards the ground, firing this gun towards one of the men’s arm fire and it created an explosion, which is exactly what he wanted. The men who were now surrounded by the fire looked up at Yanjun who was leaning by the wall looking at all the men who were running around, some trying to put out the fire while others were helpless and some were even just staring at Yanjun. Because, they realised that they truly had mess with the wrong person (and gang!!).

“Such a shame that you had to ruin my day. Oh well, since I was partially in a good mood, the police will come soon. You all won’t die. But you better watch out for who you plan to attack next. Who knows that I may appear again”

P.s, again, sorry for being so long but I can’t help it uhuhu

Zhu Zhengting

Right, another slightly difficult photo my brother chose but I am up for the challenge so here we go!!

So, for this scenario, it seemed that mama Ting was either out of a hotel or airport so I figure I’d do a scenario about that. Let’s say mama Ting was hanging around at the hotel which he had just got to from an event. He was just scrolling through his phone and social media whilst waiting for the hot water to heat up so he can shower. However, he suddenly saw an insta story (let’s say it’s an insta story because I hv no idea what China has) of a friend of yours. You did mention to Zhengting that you were going out with your friends to loosen up which he didn’t mind and just reminded you to be careful. However, in your friend’s video (which your friend was slightly drunk and accidentally posted the video) you were by the bar (NOT DRUNK!!) and a guy was trying to hit on you which you clearly was not interested. But the guy was persistent and even touched your arm. This was a big no no to our dear mama Ting. And in an instant, he grabbed his things and went out the door, heading towards the club you were at.

“Who does that man think he is?! (Y/N) was clearly not interested and even pushed him away. The nerve that man has. Can’t even call him a man for that. I’ll show him what a real man is”

Wang Ziyi

Alright, I know I hv been saying this multiple times but I think out of all 9 pictures, this has got to be the hardest one. But here it goes

I think for Ziyi (especially this pic), I feel that something happened to you. Like let’s say you suddenly faint whilst doing your job or you had a slight accident where a car crashed into yours or even something like falling down the stairs and all of course, resulting in you having to be hospitalised. Your loving and caring boyfriend, Ziyi was on his way for an event when he heard the incident and instantly cancelled going to the even, rushing to whichever hospital you were in. After seeing you and was ensured by the nurses/doctors that you only had a minor injury, I feel that Ziyi would go to a quiet area and rethink about what happened and how he felt bad he couldn’t always be with you 24/7.

“Poor (Y/N), if only I can take her with me all the time. Or if only I can clone myself and teleport myself like Naruto”

SORRY FOR THE SLIGHT ANGST

Xiao Gui

Don’t worry, Xiaogui’s one won’t be about angst or yandere-ish kind. Instead, it’ll be slightly similar to the Yanjun scenario I did on the first part.

So, the 9% bois have finally gotten their hands on the opposing enemy who were caught at a bar (shockingly thanks to you because you were part of the 9% gang and you knew about the gang they were after). It was on your day-off and you were letting loose with your best friends who you haven’t been able to hang around with for quite a while when you saw the opposing gang that 9% were trying to catch just waltz into the bar you were in. Immediately, you took a snap and sent it to the group chat you were in. The bois not wasting any time and telling you to keep an eye on them whilst they were on their way.

As you were sipping on your drink whilst paying a close attention, you didn’t notice that one of the men went right next to you, trying to get your attention. You were taken aback when he fake cough and tried to do some pick-up lines which did anything but amuse you (or perhaps because you were used to Yanjun and Justin’s pick-up lines). As if on cue, the 9% bois made their entry and you hurriedly grabbed your friend and was about to leave the scene when some of the men grabbed you and your friend, now turning you to “hostages”.

Unfortunately for them, you knew some self-defense skills whilst being with 9% and managed to grab your friend out of the place. It wasn’t long before the 9% bois also got ahold of the situation and ahold of the men as well. And because you and Xiaogui were the first to hit off well when you met the bois, you both develop some kind of bond; which led him to be pissed when the opposing enemy grab ahold of you.

“Since you like to play around so much. How about we play one of my favourite games? Let’s see how long you can last”

You Zhangjing

Can I first say, wow, You Zhangjing looks so good in this pic. Look at that slight messy hair, his soft gleaming eyes, tinted lips and that suit <3 Alright, onto the final scenario

For this one, I was thinking of a lil drama. Let’s say you had this high school reunion dinner at a fancy restaurant and you were allowed to bring dates. So of course you brought your food loving boyfriend, You Zhangjing. You told Zhangjing about the event and without any doubts, Zhangjing immediately agreed to accompany you and even told you that he would pick you up on the night of the dinner.

Long story short, on the night of the dinner, You Zhangjing kept his promised and picked you up. Once both of you reached at the restaurant, almost everyone in the restaurant (even those who were there as normal clients, not your high school friends) were in awe when they saw both you and Zhangjing came in together, hand in hand. Mainly because you weren’t that popular in high school, you were just an average student with average scores who was lucky enough to got a chance to work with You Zhangjing and eventually became his girlfriend.

Of course you greeted your best friends and their dates, not forgetting to introduce them and Zhangjing. Dinner was also good, the food was amazing, you even reconnect with some of your high school friends. Everything was going well up when You Zhangjing told you that the both of you had to leave early due to an early schedule you both had the next day.

As you were excusing yourself to your friends and their dates, one of the mean girls from back in high school decided to end your wonderful night by “accidentally” poured her drink onto you. At first you were about to shrug it off and just excused yourself to leave. But when she started to comment about how you were just using You Zhangjing’s fame and popularity for yourself, always trying to make everyone pitiful of you, that crossed the line for you.

Sure, the both of you never really hit off well, but you never really held a grudge against her, despite the fake news she spread about you. You knew that after high school, no-one would care about it and even would forget about it; which is why you always held it in. However, now, as an adult who has been through so much to get to where you are, you were finally stepping up not just for yourself but for all of the other people she bullied.

You didn’t talk trash nor did you exaggerate what she had done back in high school because that’s not who you are. Instead, you told her that you actually felt sorry for her because she couldn’t accept the fact that there will always be other people better than she is and that instead of becoming the best version of themselves, she would throw out her tantrum to those who she think are inferior to her. With that, you walked back to your boyfriend who was standing in awe, clapping his hands before taking his elbow out for you to hold.

“I’m so proud of you baobei!! You tell em who’s boss!! Wanna go home and watch some movies whilst we eat ice-cream?”

“You just read my mind Zhangjing”

*insert Zhangjing pecking your cheek* UWU

Hope you like these scenarios, I know some are longer than others and I hope that I would do more longer ones. Anyways, merry Christmas all!!