#or over the weekend to keep myself from thinking about failure

[hiddenworldofmary]

it is perhaps a slightly crazy late night idea but i think i’m going to try turning an old and torn fitted bedsheet into a very basic replica of a discontinued le petit trou pyjama set 🪡🤍

[xstarlightxstarbrightx]

Lumi headcanons

i have dragged myself outta the hell that's been my weekend and have FINALLY cobbled together all of my thoughts abt Lumine,,, it's a lot so bear w/ me bc i love her so so so much. the big list of h/c's: - extroverted lumi,,, - tired older sister / mom of Paimon. Paimon may know more about Teyvat than Lumine does, but Lumine's the one who takes care of Paimon and guides her through the harder things in life; definitely gives the vibes of Paimon being a kid sister and Lumine being very protective of her. somewhat mother but also not??? definitely the adult between the two smh - incredibly smart. very perceptive with a lotta intuition. i mean, you need to be able to be quick on the draw if you're going to be traveling nonstop, y'know?? - paragon Lumi is my roman empire. - frugal as SHIT, penny pincher extraordinaire. Paimon has yet to find all the emergency funds, and Lumine is adamant on KEEPING it that way. - abandonment issues. listen,,, listen she's got em, we all know she does, and i feel like she gets very attached to people but doesn't really let them know. - stemming from abandonment issues, I feel like she's got this issue of putting the weight of the world on her shoulders? like she cannot let herself feel negative emotions and bottles up a lot of the bad shit she deals with. her belief is that if she's not being a positive force, she's failing everyone around her and they'll one day leave her behind. - adding onto that bit, it definitely shows through the fact that she's not quick to actually anger. like her anger is VERY VERY rare, and usually she's very relaxed and tries to work through things as calmly as possible. - despite lumi being slow to anger, she's def violent in a mischievous gremlin way. definitely gives the vibe of 'u called me short, i am consuming ur knee caps'. But this is more of a bit and something to do as an intimidation tactic for ppl who don't know her, and it feels very accurate tbh - Lumi is bilingual, nothing more needs to be said. - she has scars. like a few of em, too. Mostly from her adventures in Teyvat, since she's less durable than she's used to being??? She has some scars from her fight against Dvalin, a scar or two from fighting Childe, a LOT of scars from Inazuma, as well as scars from using the elements!! - on the topic of scars, i DO believe she has scars from losing her wings in the fight with the Unknown God. and like, this hurts her. she feels such intense guilt over what happened and how she failed to protect her brother. she would gladly boast to you about any of her scars, but if you mention the ones on her back, she gets,,, quiet,,,, - i have done a deep dive dissection of the differences between the twin's elemental animations, and one day i will post that i swear; but for now all imma say is that Lumi struggles w/ Geo element the most. - fear of failure! i mentioned it before, but I personally feel like this has such a huge affect on her? - speaking of fears; CLAUSTROPHOBIA! listen, lumi definitely feels like she'd be claustrophobic, can't handle tight spaces. she also is terrified of the Abyss specifically, but tight spaces? unable to move? feeling trapped???? yeah, she's got that besties. - she feels like such a mom sometimes i s2g. like some of these characters feels like characters she would call her kids teasingly. personally believe Bennett called her "mom" once and he hasn't been able to live it down since b/c she refuses to answer to anything else from him now. - protective Lumi is my favorite, nothing more to add. - Lumine is very dancer-like in a lot of her animations, so me personally i think she would be a good dancer ong. - GOD tiered Cook, she's so fuckin good at that shit, like girl can crack just about any damn recipe she gets.

OKAY,,, I THINK,,,,,,,,,,,, I THINK I GOT THEM ALL DOWN,,,,,,,,,,

this went way longer than i meant, the brain worms ate through my skull and i got very carried away. but also it feels good to have the general gist of it all down,,, my beloved lumine i adore u so so much,,,,

anyway these were my h/c's for Lumi, i'll work on Kaeya next i think b/c i have Many Thoughts (tm) on him. :)c

[bitchinbarzal]

for milo’s world sorry that i didn’t specify

The argument started over something stupid.

It was the Fourth of July weekend and you were packing up the kids to head to the lake house for the weekend with the Hughes’

However, you had made a comment off handedly to Luke when trying to pack the kids stuff and the kids were crying. It was all stressing you out and you took it out on Luke.

Which led to this argument you were currently in.

“Luke I’m just asking you to do more with the kids in the house, help me out a bit!”

“I do plenty! I need to train too you know to keep my job!”

You scoffed “I know that Luke, I’m just asking maybe do something with Milo while I need to clean? He is getting more active and it’s just a lot at once! Rory is a baby she just lies there and does nothing anyway!”

Luke’s arms crossed over his chest “I’m trying to spend time with Rory while she’s still young too y/n! Incase you’ve forgotten someone stole that opportunity from me with my first kid!”

The room went silent after he said it, your chest felt tight and you were trying to not cry.

“I’m- I’m going to go finish packing” you croaked, leaving the room in a hurry.

Luke called out after you but you shook your head and continued on.

You picked Milo up from the living room and packed with him on your hip, trying to not groan at his weight. He was a heavy kid.

“Let me take him” Luke appeared in the doorway.

You didn’t look up, continuing to fold Rory’s baby grows.

“No, I’ve got him just go play with Rory”

He sighed “y/n…”

“Luke you said you wanted to spend time with her so go! I don’t want to be the reason you miss more time with one of your kids!”

He stood there contemplating his options but chose to go, not wanting to fight infront of Milo.

Once you’d packed the bags and put them in the car you told Luke and put the kids in, both of them going to sleep as soon as you started your journey.

Luke drove and you stared out of the window while you were both in silence.

It wasn’t until almost an hour into the journey you said

“I cried when he took his first steps”

Luke didn’t say anything, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter and looking over at you.

You continue “I cried and pushed him over when he first learned to walk because I didn’t want him to walk, not without his daddy around” your tears began falling thinking back to that moment “I pushed an eight month old over! It happened three days before we saw eachother again and I’ll never forgive myself for that moment”

“I thought about you in everything, when I named him I gave him your middle name and when he started weaning I gave him banana first because that was always the flavour of your post workout smoothie” you rambled.

“I’ve apologised so many times Luke I can’t apologise any longer! I can’t take back what I did and if I could go back I would’ve told you, I would’ve called but I didn’t and it was so hard” you cried.

You’d never spoken about it much, opting to look forward and not back.

“I cried so much and I was so scared! I was a single mom in college surrounded by a bunch of single shared brain cell hockey players! I was being sick in the Yost bathrooms in between periods and I had a different boy with me at every appointment getting horrible looks from the midwife! I had to hold Mark’s hand when I was giving birth and all I wanted was for you to tell me it was going to be ok”

Luke didn’t know what to say, he wanted to hold your hand, he wanted to hold you.

“When he was born I said i hated him” You had never admitted that out loud “I said it because he looked like you… and I felt like a failure of a mom who said horrible things about her baby but I love him so much and I did what I thought was right! and you can’t keep punishing me for this any longer” you finished, breathing heavily.

Luke didn’t get a chance to respond before Rory was crying. You wiped your tears “Pull over, she needs fed”

The rest of the car ride you were sat in the back between the kids, trying to keep Milo asleep and Rory from crying.

When you finally arrived at your in-laws Jack made a b-line for Milo and your mother in law took Rory, both having missed the kids so much.

After taking the bags back into the house and into your room and setting up the travel cots you both made your way out to the yard where the kids were playing and others sat around the fire.

You said hi to some; Trevor, Alex, Brady and Josh.

You made small talk through the evening, sitting on Luke’s lap for the lack of chairs until you had to take Milo in for his bedtime.

“C’mon buddy it’s bedtime” you announced, taking him from Alex’s arms “Say night night to everyone” Milo walked around giving goodnight kisses to everyone before taking your hand and Luke’s to go get ready for bed.

You carried out the routine as normal, both bathing him and reading his story before he put himself down.

You sat on the edge of the bed, holding Luke’s hand watching your little boy’s eyes flutter closed.

“I don’t blame you” Luke mumbled, kissing below your ear “and I’m so sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean it like that you know. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me and I’m so happy you finally got ton have the family you wanted, I love you and I love our babies”

Your head dropped onto his shoulder and you sighed “I wish I could change it”

“You can’t and so we just move forward, no point on dwelling on the past, eh?” He nudged you playfully. You only nodded, turning to kiss him “We’re so lucky to have you Lu”

“I’m the lucky one”

[goldensunset]

it’s breath of the wild’s 7th anniversary can i get sappy and vulnerable on main real quick cuz it completely changed my life

so it was christmas 2017 when my brother received a nintendo switch and breath of the wild. i remembered watching him play a bit the day he got it and funny enough my first thought back then upon seeing the opening cutscene was ‘wow this animation is janky’ because i thought we were watching an animated movie. the moment i realized it was a video game i was shook. bc for a game WOW how beautiful. anyway i watched him mess around and die horribly and it was funny but i didn’t think much about it

flash forward a few months later. in april of 2018- a nice spring day, must’ve been a weekend or some other time i had time off bc my friend was over- my brother came home from college and brought his nintendo switch and this game over. he had me make a file and i didn’t know what i was doing at all because i was not only unfamiliar with the game and console, but largely unfamiliar with the concept of this type of video game at all

see, i was not a gamer at all. i had played mario kart/party and some random stuff on the ds but nothing resembling an action adventure game aside from super mario 64 ds. and i never got past like the first level or so on that game bc i was bad at it as a kid and also like.. scared? of games? like a game in which you had to fight enemies and could take damage and die. even something really simple like a goomba was actively stressful to me somehow. (to this day i still kind of have the hyper-empathy mindset where letting the video game player die feels like letting a real person die i have to treat a fun work of fiction like a real life-or-death situation so i just prefer not to get into danger when i can avoid it. all that’s changed is i have the skill to face danger and accumulate ways to protect myself now lol)

soooo i don’t know what manner of madness convinced me to even try a game like breath of the wild, which is immensely more complicated and difficult than super mario 64 ds. but maybe it’s bc i was older then or bc my friend was over to help me and we were like trading the console? but you get what i’m saying. as one might expect, i was pressing the wrong buttons, getting overwhelmed by basic enemies, falling off cliffs bc i lacked precision skills in my motion, etc.

and as one might expect, i eventually got frustrated and bored. i remembered my brother asking me what my long-term strategy or plan was for playing the game, and that question sort of overwhelmed me because i was thinking ‘do i really intend to keep playing at all?’. when i put the game aside that day (after having only reached/fallen off the great plateau tower, i mean) i wasn’t really interested in continuing, and i figured i could probably never be good at it anyway.

but for some reason, and i wish i remembered why, i picked it back up again not long after. me, who had never been willing to commit to a game. maybe it was my desire to correct my failures and figure out what i was at last doing. i felt ready for a good challenge and i got the sense this was the sort of game that was more skill than luck. maybe it was the beautiful scenery and ambience. maybe it was that sense of peaceful melancholy. maybe it was because i could see so much on the horizon, so many mysteries around me, that i just had to be able to reach someday. in such a massive open world in which the plot wasn’t spoonfed to me but i had to discover it, my interest had been piqued.

or maybe it was because i was bored and depressed. i was close to the end of freshman year in high school, which had been pure misery. difficult to understate just how awful life was for me during that point in time (but it was just the terrifying cocoon stage of becoming a butterfly). so yeah, why not pick up a new piece of media? why not dive into this world? i think we all know just how powerful it is to develop a new interest when going through a rough patch- it can turn absolutely everything around. (even if it ends up distracting you from the work you need to do lol. but in my case i consider that a necessary tradeoff for giving me the serotonin my brain doesn't naturally produce enough of)

and i think there's something to be said about the medium of a video game, which was basically new to me at the time- i think it's something about the ability to have control over what's happening. in tv shows things just happen. in real life i felt like i had no control over anything. so i was suddenly able to express myself in a way that i had never gotten to before, and it was powerful. especially in an open-world game with so much to do and discover. (something something the adhd-er's wild fantasy of being able to complete tasks and make progress).

i quickly became addicted- i could play for hours on end and barely put a dent in the smallest section of the map. i couldn't believe how genuinely massive the world was and i just wanted to explore more and more, but without skipping anything i came across. i still remember in my mind exactly where i was in my house when reaching many of those early-game checkpoint places, curled up in a chair in the corner, listening to my mom make dinner in the other room... etc. the definition of nostalgia. (which is something i only have so much of given how most of my interests i didn't get into until significantly later in life. i was 15 when this was happening whereas most people's childhood nostalgia type stories are from when they were like 5 to 8. but this was such a foundational time in my life y'know?)

i remember hours of getting lost in the wilderness (i truly had the worst habit of either not getting the maps or not heeding them) and never going on the clearly marked roads bc i was convinced i could take a shortcut by just taking a straight line to my destination. which often involved attempting to scale a ridiculously steep and tall mountain with like one and a half wheels of stamina. live and learn, right?

i remember the way it took absolutely forever to reach zora's domain (the fact that i didn't get the tower map beforehand probably significantly contributed to that) so the absolute joy and relief i felt when i got there and was safe at last. i adore all the champions so much but mipha is for sure the one that messes up my heart the most to this day, as both the first one i got and the one with objectively the most emotional story. something about water levels has always unsettled me- no matter what, to me they're always associated with being cold, wet, and uncomfortable, even if it's supposed to be beautiful (and vah ruta sure wasn't meant to be for obvious reasons). especially if the player has to swim- whether there's limited breath or not, i can't help but imagine how stressful it would be to dive deep and be under pressure like that. but on the flip side, once you're finally done with those levels and back on dry land, it feels comforting. warm, dry and stable again- sort of like how you feel after you're finished crying. you had to endure the drowning and the suffering and now you're safe. that's how the vah ruta quest feels to me.

each new ruin, or quiet little settlement, really just lodged its way into my heart, but i think the location that makes me the most emotional is the flight range- its beautiful broken melody, the howling wind and snow, its position in the middle of the wilderness like a little safe haven in the mountains, the faint memory of revali... i used to just go there and sit for hours. it's just gorgeous and it hits so hard. once again, it's all about that quiet, solemn peace after a tragedy has occurred- the sadness lingers, but you learn to live again. botw just excels at this in pretty much every aspect, enough said

which comes to the central conflict of the premise- our titular heroine, zelda, and her struggles to complete her duty, her guilt complex, the pressure and loneliness she felt, etc. i have identified so closely with her for the entire time i've known her. (done a fair amount of projecting too but listen. listen) the way she felt weak and powerless and just wanted to find a way to make people happy, especially her overbearing father who didn't care enough for her happiness... that hit so hard as an emotionally volatile teenager with similar issues. to this day my dad only talks to me to nag me about something important i need to do but he's never cared about my personal interests. he acts more like my manager than my parent. throughout high school especially i just kept falling back to zelda's story every time my dad was being awful and i needed to escape him, listening to him call me lazy, behind the ball, etc when i was clearly going through severe depression that would have never even occurred to him. and while unlike zelda i still have my mom she's always been incredibly emotionally distant so there was no looking to her either. i blamed myself for everything that went wrong even though i never could've done anything without the kind of help i needed, similar to zelda

for me personally the theme of failing to succeed in the role other people were pressuring her into resonated with me and my undiagnosed... whatever it is. i am positive i am not neurotypical. i've always more or less self-identified as adhd (my parents would laugh if i suggested that) and i've never received support or treatment or anything. that plus the undiagnosed and untreated depression. the way zelda just couldn't do something that she had no idea how to even begin trying to do, the way going through the rituals that worked for other people did nothing for her... that hit hard as someone just barely trying to stay alive in high school, who always felt alienated from others and never could understand exactly why, who was bad at a lot of things... but my dad only cared about results

and in turn. the emotional catharsis of her finally unlocking the latent power she'd been struggling to reach inside her. it's never been established exactly what it was that was wrong with her that prevented her from unlocking it but i think we all know it had something to do with her heart not being free until the moment she had the courage to do something brave, dangerous, and important through her own free will- going against the grain, standing up for someone she loved, etc. that's an essay for another time tho. to me that's what makes it so powerful- yeah this (back)story is still a tragedy, but there's hope. she found her own path. she still had to undergo lots of suffering afterwards but she had what she needed to succeed. and she got her happy ending in the end. i probably don't need to explain why that's so meaningful to me as someone who loves her so much and relates too hard. also her dad died (i am NOT wishing that upon my dad to be clear). i mean for her that's a bad thing bc he did regret his actions and never get to apologize to her and she wishes she had gotten to see him again but also that's in the fantasy world where one could reasonably expect their father to change. i've kind of given up on that but maybe someday after we've gotten some distance... idk

in short. botw hits me like a truck with the way it brings you so, so low, in the pits of despair, and then brings you back up. not everything is fixed and perfect at the end, the characters who died stay dead, but they finally get to pass on and rest in peace. we free zelda. we bring back the most significant parts of link's memory. we watch the broken and scattered world begin to grow and breathe again. perfectly cathartic and hopeful and powerful for someone going through such awful things. i'm not out of the woods yet with all my ten thousand problems but i'm in a much better place now. i've typed way too many words here and it's still like not enough to express just how much this game means to me. i could go on forever and ever about the things i find objectively good about this game but this ramble was meant to focus on the subjective meanings i've found within it. breath of the wild has been nothing short of a blessing for me. thank you nintendo, truly.

[wishing-stones]

ahdifejbd you know I always get so stressed sending requests for meme things cause I’m always 10000000000% convinced that I’m going to be the 38th jerk to ask the exact same thing SO I am sending two letters that I think would be interesting ONLY because I am giving you the option to Choose One - NOT because I am asking you to write both!

I think Dream with B or C could be interesting in different ways!

B. Under cover of darkness. (Sunshine Boi Bein’ Sneaky sounds fun as heck. What kind of circumstances would require for him to do a sneak in the dark?)

C. A moment’s respite. (What do *you* imagine a moment of rest would look like for the guy who’s chronically Duty Bound to literally the whole multiverse?)

Again - pls pick *one* that suits your fancy OR one that hasn’t been picked already if someone else beat me to the punch lol. Happy Turkey Weekend, Friend! And pls take your time over the holiday weekend! Don’t overwork yourself!!!

Hahahaha, I think I'll go with C for him since I did B for Baggs already. Space out my same-prompts some.

I'll pick one later for myself once I've answered the bulk of these

C. A moment’s respite.

He's thankful for his little corner of the multiverse. He owed Ink a lot for helping him claim it and bring it to life.

The little cottage, perpetually bathed in the warm light of golden hour, is the perfect little place for him. He has enough spare rooms to house a few people, and his two best friends have their own spaces as well.

He has his gardens, his orchard, and his small stable with a single cow.

It was nice to be able to have such a comfortable home to return to. One that didn't remind him of his past failures, one that didn't reek of sorrow and death and anger. One where he could enjoy the warmth on his bones and the peace of birdsong and crickets.

As much as he liked to keep busy here by gardening or by general upkeep...

Today he was taking time to lay on one of the golden hills in the soft grass, listening to the wind quietly hush over the blades and petals of wildflowers. He was kicked back with his sockets closed, skirting towards the edge of sleep, completely at ease.

He'd been all but bullied into taking a day off-- no duty to the multiverse, no busywork in the garden-- they would take care of that-- and no worrying about anything. He'd started the day off with a long soak in his favorite bubbles and oils, and followed it up with reading beneath the largest apple tree in his orchard. Now, he was contemplating a nap in the sun, reminded of simpler times when such days of leisure were common.

It was only slightly painful to think about them, and to lack his brother to enjoy such a moment with.

... Perhaps Nightmare was similarly enjoying a day off. Stars knew that he had luxury in spades in his dark, imposing fortress. Grand marble baths, gilded chaises, massive hearths and wine aplenty.

Wine did sound appealing. Maybe he'd break a bottle of blush open later, at dinner.

It was the one thing he'd managed to negotiate with his friends-- he would be the one to make dinner for them all. Ink could create very fine foods from thin air, and Blue... was not as bad as he used to be.. but Dream took a special pleasure in cooking things from scratch. It was as relaxing to him as laying here, beneath the sun was.

He didn't know what time it was, nor did he really care. He could afford not to today.

He was fortunate to have such good friends. Perhaps his brother was similarly fortunate-- he could afford to take a day of leisure with his underlings handling whatever serious issues might crop up.

He hoped.

The one thing that would put the cherry on the top of the day would be the knowledge that Nightmare had similarly taken a day for himself. Perhaps Killer could harass him away from his perpetual mountain of paperwork. Maybe Dust could ensure he took time to relax. Cross could remind him of the many luxuries the castle had to offer, and Axe, naturally, handled all the food.

His phone was on silent today, but he retrieved it momentarily to contact Cross, texting him to maybe, gently, get him to take the day off.

[Cross] Don't worry about it, Killer has it handled. I think he's soaking in that huge spa bath he has right now.

With a content sigh, Dream pocketed his phone and curled up on the plush grass, tipping his circlet partially off of his head and drifting off into a well-earned, completely content nap.

[heathtrash]

When you're working on TWW fanfic, how do you get like new inspiration or even just the motivation to keep going?

(p.s. thank you for keeping the fandom alive!!)

inspiration/ideas are something i almost never have a problem with. i come up with new scenarios for these gays almost constantly and it's everything in me to not just constantly begin new wips and crossovers and aus that have never been explored! and there's so much media to draw from with tww with all eight books, the shows, the movie, the spinoffs - idk but even like vanilla 2017 or 1998 stuff is always giving me life, maybe because i'm an insatiable multishipper with no chill and an adoration of rarepairs.

i also make sure i "read around" tww. i watch things or listen to audiobooks with a related genre or vibe, especially if i'm exploring au or want to go for a specific tone. keeping your brain active and making connections like this helps so much with inspiration and plot. it's like going on a silly little mental health walk, but instead of nature or whatever, you're opening your brain up to new possibilities. even something completely unrelated can spark something! it makes the worlds you write feel a bit richer as you're writing them.

motivation is something different, because i struggle with a lot of self-confidence in my own writing (lol, cptsd. i'm in therapy). comments on my works do really help with that. but these days people seem to feel weird about leaving comments on works that aren't like a week old??? bruh people still talk about books that are decades or centuries old. and we have some lovely people still in the fandom who are willing to read some of my work, and that is amazing to me!!

but of course, there are fics i've started that i am not sure will ever see the light of day because i feel like they're not good enough, or works that i've put up that very few people were interested in (rip to pippa university years my beloved. never escaped single digits on the kudos for 10k of fic). those embarrassments and failures hold me back so much because they confirm my own negative thoughts about my writing and make me not want to put my energy into this. i have a full plan of chapter 13 of a clock with no hands, but i keep giving myself imposter syndrome over my ability to write it well enough. idk. rationally, i know that the types of story i write are sometimes not what people want to read. i think it's important to talk about (please i am NOT fishing) because i'm sure there are many people who feel the same way. some people even look up to me as a writer?? but i cannot emphasise enough that it's a miracle that anything goes online with my mental health being how it is.

anyway, enough about me! mostly i try to think primarily of the fandom and what's best for us right now. that's why i'm running the drabble exchange, which i think will be a really fun way to get little sparks of inspiration going for everyone, as well as hopefully providing a chance for new writers to dip their toe into whatever ship they like! please sign up to join in - this is the last weekend before i close sign-ups!

i'm certainly not solely responsible for keeping the fandom alive though!!! there are some incredible artists who are doing a much better job of that than me with the recent influx of art - as well as all those who are writing new fics that are providing after the slump we had with the conclusion of the 2017 series. it was really hard to recover the fandom after s3, and i know i've had a small part to play in that with the twitter group chat evolving into reviving the discord. but i couldn't have done any of that if no one else was around to join in!

(also side note - general invitation extended to anyone who wants to join the discord!)

[haneulislearning]

2024년 한국어 목표; Korean Language Goals

With my study abroad date coming closer and closer (only 19 days away ㅇ.ㅇ), I figured it was time to share some of my language/Korean specific goals for the year!

These aren't all of the things I want to "accomplish" for the year, and some are long-term while others are short-term goals, but it felt better to have something physical to look at to remind me of what I am aiming to do this year and have my thoughts organized.

The hardest thing about this is reminding myself (Hi, if you don't know me, I fear academic failure and set high expectations for myself), that it will be okay if I do these things only partially or if something didn't quite meet my expectations that it is okay.

There are some things that I want to aim for as a personal milestone that I didn't list here in an attempt to NOT overwhelm myself to get it done.

(Like trying to read Harry Potter in Korean, because 1. I am NOT at that level yet, and that will take quite the time to go through and 2. I want to buy the book second hand because JK Rowling is a bitch and I don't know yet where I could thrift the book while in Korea. Mostly want to read it because it is a book that I read over and over again as a child so the concepts/ideas/plot is familiar, just not the nuanced vocabulary and grammar)

So I am viewing this less so as a list of things to do before the year ends, and more as a set of remiders, affirmations, and sources for me to review throughout the year as I am abroad and expanding my use and knowledge of Korean.

There is so much to say about my goals and views of langauge learning, but I don't want to make this my longest post ever, so maybe some other day I will share some of my more abstract goals in another post.

Anyways, enough rambling, here's what is listed in my journal:

Listen to Korean podcasts

Become comfrotable reading short stories + news articles

Journal more often in Korean

Annotate + break down THREE songs in Korean (*not in my journal, but the goal is to understand, memorize, and practice reading speed and listening with this)

Read + annotate one book in Korean

Try learning AT LEAST 10 new words a week (*I see this one either not lasting long or turning more into 10 words every OTHER week lol)

Review each month what you've learned (*just trying to go back and refresh myself on things that I learned recently but may not have had the chance to put into practical use often)

Other notes:

Use your resoruces! I have so many Korean books and websites/apps saved, and I will use them for about a week before I forget they exist, so this is my reminder to look at them a little more often!

If you know how to say it, say it! Don't hesitate! The amount of times my friends and I have decided to speak in Korean to each other only to say something in English and then quickly realize we 100% know how to say that in AT LEAST broken Korean :/. Or when my professor would ask us to share what we did this weekend in Korean and think that my sentence or phrase is wrong, only for someone else to say something similar and realize I actually knew how to say it. Better to try and maybe be wrong and get corrected than to not try at all and learn nothing.

Keep it simple, but try to build your sentences! Actually a reminder from my Korean professor lol! If you don't know how to say it, look it up of course, but you can't pull out your phone in every conversation you have! Sometimes it is easier to keep it simple and short and others it's great to build on and connect where you can. The whole point of my last class was to work on using connectors and conjuctions for our sentences to lengthen them, but it's not always possible. Some days it is just easier to say 네 or 아 그래요 and move on if you know what I mean.

Any progress is good! There have been multiple times this year where I have literally gone to Korean tutoring and forgotten every Korean word I know and beat myself up over the fact that I feel like I "failed". Simply put, I burn out too quickly sometimes and take the minor victories for granted. Celebrate anytime you can when it comes to remembering a small vocab word or how to order food in Korean!

Consistency is Key! Seems obvious, but one summer in between semesters I didn't study Korean for at least a month and wanted to cry when I tried to self study again before the new semester because that sense of failure was kicking in and I couldn't remember a lot of what I had been practicing. Even if it is just reviewing vocab, watching a youtube video in Korean, or even a K-drama, consistency is key when it comes to learning. It doesn't have to be a lot, just something.

Explore ways to learn, make it fun for you! I have only been learning Korean for almost 2 years now, and now that I am going abroad I'm realizing that I will be in much more different situations in terms of school and socializing, so how I experience Korean is going to be different for a little while. This is just a reminder to take advantage of fun opportunities and see where and when you can learn Korean.

You're probably doing better than you think you are. Don't stress. I feel like nothing needs to be said here, but if you look at where you started versus where you are now I am sure the distance is actually farther than it seems.

[pjisskullourful]

hey my gorgeous ones!

so my funk is continuing(hoofuckinray). theres just some shit going on in my personal life& the emotional fatigue has bled into creative constipation& im really struggling to get much of anything written. i've switched off commissions for the moment, just wanting to take it a bit easy on myself while im trying to get back on my bullshit

as a please-dont-hate-me for the delays that are ongoing, here is the first almost 2k of chapter 25 of stained sheets. its all i have sofar, there are two whole more scenes to write so i genuinely cant say when you'll be getting it

thanks for any patience& understanding you swing my way. stay selfishly happy my thotties

You paused from closing the fly on your high-waisted pants - you had been trying on the outfit you wanted to wear to dinner tonight, but something had caught your eye, distracting you.

A jagged, dark line reached up from just above the waistband of your underwear. This stretch mark was brand new to your eyes. It hit you like an actual wound, your gut twisting and your mind racing.

As your throat clenched, you stopped caring about checking that your choice of outfit was cute or not. You hated this intruder on the side of your tummy. This new line was a failure on your part, maybe if you weren’t so lazy, or spent less time playing video games, you could have avoided gaining another mark in your ugly collection. You were frozen with the top of your pants in your hands.

How long had this mark been on your body? Had Damiano seen it - what did he think when he looked at it?

This was supposed to be a fun day - the day before Easter, and some friends of his were hosting a dinner that would end in an egg hunt through their garden. You were going to be meeting more of the people he had grown up with. But most importantly, you were getting to spend the whole weekend with him, there hadn’t been many of those so far this year. There was no Måneskin-business to take him out of the country, he was just your boyfriend this weekend.

You didn’t want to waste any of this precious time with your insecurities. You wished you hadn’t seen the line, because it hadn’t been as simple as noticing it. You were having a full reaction to it. The change of mood inside of you was almost a tangible sensation.

You didn’t know how to resolve it, you just knew that you wanted the unpleasantness to stop. Your  solution was to physically move away from it. You undressed without completing the try-on process, so desperate to walk away and pretend this negativity didn’t exist. You just needed to refresh yourself and then you would be able to get back on the right track.

“I’m gonna have a shower.” You loudly announced without knowing if he actually heard you. He might be outside having a cigarette, or otherwise occupied too far from the bedroom.

You went into the bathroom and stopped at the vanity, pulling your hairbrush out of a draw. You took your hair down and started brushing through any tangles. Standing in front of the wide mirror, it wasn’t easy to keep your concentration on your hair. Your eyes wanted to wander, to find other flaws in the reflection to tear yourself apart over.

Until you were given the perfect distraction. Your boyfriend came into the room, his figure filling the reflection behind you. He was dressed in only a pair of underwear, wearing a festive headband on top of his short hair. It was enough to make you smile, even though you had to feign annoyance.

“Take those off.” You said as sternly as you could manage.

“You got it, baby.” He said, promptly taking his briefs off.

You were amused, even as you rolled your eyes. You turned your back on the mirror, more than happy to put all of your attention on him. “I meant the bunny ears and you know it.”

The fuzzy rabbit ears remained fixed on his head as he furrowed his brow. “I’m confused, do you want me to put the underwear back on?”

“Damiano.” You warned, but this only resulted in getting him to say your name back to you, in a sing-songy way, delivered with a positively devilish smile. “I never should have let you take the ears from my office…”

His eyes grew wide and he pointed an accusing finger at you. “You were the one who took them.”

You let this unserious discussion progress, exaggerating your shock. “How dare you accuse me.”

“No, how dare you. I was just there to pick you up from work. You were the one who pulled them out of the cute little window display and put them on my head.” He said.

“I didn’t think you were going to walk out still wearing them. And I was kind of distracted, I was working.” You added to his recollection. “Now you must take them off before they get stretched or broken ‘cause I’ve gotta put them back, they’ll probably be part of next year’s Easter display.”

He resisted, still. “I like them. You have to agree that they look better on me than they did in the window.”

“I agree.” You said. “Now take them off.”

The thing that was stopping you from simply snatching the accessory off of him, was the knowledge of how getting too close to him would change this situation entirely. He could physically overpower you in an instant and any illusion of you having some control would be banished.

“You can ask nicer than that, kitty.” He said, very clearly enjoying this teasing.

“Can you please take the ears off for me, please and thank you.” You said, even clasping your hands together in front of yourself to further sell it.

He cocked his head to the side. “I didn’t hear a single word you said. It’s kinda hard to hear you over all of those clothes you’re wearing.”

You reminded yourself how much you enjoyed being called a ‘good girl’ as inspiration to help you bite back any sarcastic comments. You even resisted the urge to roll your eyes.

You removed the two items that you were wearing - a bra and a pair of panties. You cupped your hands to either side of your mouth and spoke at a much higher volume. “Can you hear me now?”

He smiled and nodded. “Yes, did you have a request for me or something?”

“Can you please take those ears off for me, please?” You asked.

“Why, of course I can.” He said, plucking the accessory off of his head. “Here you go.”

You snatched it out of his hand, holding it securely in both of yours. “I’m gonna find someplace to hide these from you.”

“I can’t imagine why you would think that’s necessary. I’ll get the shower started while you do that, shall I?”

This made you pause from leaving the room. “Oh, you’re joining me?”

“Yeah, unless that’s not okay? I thought we should shower together, to save water.” He said.

You smirked. “To save water. Yep, that’s fine.”

You carried the confiscated item over to where you kept your work bag. It was enough to put it into your bag and shut the zipper. If he pulled it out of there he would be in the wrong - you’d both know it, and any argument would be in your favour.

When you returned to the bathroom, it was to find him standing under the stream of water. You were further distracted from your earlier issues as you admired how great he looked when soaking wet.

He turned his head and smiled at the sight of you, beckoning you in with a curling of his finger. You stepped in, sliding the door shut behind yourself. You shouldn’t have been surprised when he was instantly drawing you in for kisses, his hands cradling your face. There were times when the two of you could share a focused shower, spending as much time washing yourselves as you did making out.

But the look he had given you had indicated that this wasn’t the case for today. You linked your arms around his waist, indulging in this as the noise of the persistent water blocked out everything else. You felt how easy it would be to melt as his mouth worked tenderly against yours.

His hands left your face, slowly moving down to where the water had already reached. He started to kiss his way off of your mouth, his lips pressing against your chin before going lower. You couldn’t help arching your back into him as his lips worked across your throat. This was the closeness that you absolutely ached for when he was away, showers (like pretty much everything else) were so dull without him.

But -

“I need to wash my hair. This shower was supposed to have purpose.” You said.

He stopped what he was doing to look up at you. “Nobody’s stopping you from washing your hair. Look, I’ll even help. I’ve got lots of time to help with washing your hair these days.”

“I could return the favour and use my volumising shampoo on your hair.” You said of his well maintained buzzcut.

He wore a deadpan expression, blinking at you. “Hilarious. I swear, you’ve missed your calling in life. You shouldn’t be doing admin work- stand-up comedy, that’s where you should be. Netflix would give you a special so fast.”

“Because I’m a special girl.” You said as he let go of you to grab the shampoo bottle.

The intimacy wasn’t totally lost in this process. The two of you remained standing very close together (even though there was ample room for each of you in here) and you took every opportunity to touch him.

When he began to massage the shampoo into your scalp, you could have let out a moan of pleasure. You shut your eyes and soaked up every second of his attentiveness. His fingers slowly dragging across your scalp was the only thing that you needed right now.

“Stop making that face.” He said, his voice so stern that your eyes instantly snapped open, you were practically ready to apologise at once. “That’s a sex face and if you keep it up you’re gonna get me hard, which isn’t the purpose of this shower, right?”

You almost began giggling, you covered your face with both of your hands. “I didn’t mean to. I, I guess I was enjoying myself a little too much.”

“I’ll say.”

You parted your fingers to peek at him. “Did I really do a sex face?”

“Oh, yes. If you want me to get specific- it was your edging face. When I see that face I know that I’m doing it right and your brain is getting all empty.” He said before instructing you to tilt your head back under the stream of water.

As he rinsed all of the product out of your hair, you physically cringed. “Oh my God, I hope I don’t make that face when they’re washing my hair at the hairdressers.”

“Relax baby, I’m the only one who knows that face is linked to naughtiness.” He said.

You tried your best to stay in constant awareness, and control, over your facial expressions as he conditioned your hair. The lack of massaging on your scalp kept you from that floaty feeling.

“What do you think, is that up to your standards?” He asked, losing the careful look on his face that he had been wearing during this task.

You tested his work by running your fingers through the ends of your hair. “It feels perfect. Thank you, Daddy.” You reached out to tap the end of his nose.

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok just tiny bit of processing under the cut sorry

my brother and SIL just did a very small little gender surprise thing and sent the video out to the family group chat and everyone is so excited and discussing names and I’m just like. I don’t know. I’m obviously so excited to have a baby in the family but I don’t know how to not feel crushingly sad about it. I want to feel normal and happy for them but god I just feel crushingly sad. why did we have to get pregnant at LITERALLY the exact same time? of course it still would’ve been hard if we had been on different timelines, but I feel like it might have felt a little less raw. every time they announce they’ve hit some new milestone, I’m forced to think about how I would also be experiencing that right now if things had been just the tiniest bit different. I feel like before they told me about the baby I was getting to this good place of like, closure and acceptance and getting ready to move on. but now it’s like I have to experience this phantom pregnancy alongside theirs, where as we hit each milestone, they get to celebrate having a healthy baby and I have to experience that sense of wrenching failure again. I feel like I failed. I feel like I fucked up carrying a baby, fucked it up so badly that I lost both the baby and a piece of my reproductive system, and now I feel so much awful wracking doubt about whether I’ll ever be able to do it successfully. and it is just hard to be reminded over and over again that my SIL didn’t fail. she didn’t fuck it up. she’s married and she’s skinny and blonde and pretty and they’re rich and they own a nice house and they made a baby for free on like the first fucking try and their baby is healthy and my parents will move out here so they can dote on their first grandkid. and I just fucked up, you know? with my busted reproductive system and my aging fat never-quite-feminine-enough body and my sad little attempts to do it on my own because I don’t have a partner and whatever.

I know that’s not right, I know that’s not how I really feel about her or about myself, but that’s the ugly mean little shame voice whispering in my head. I just feel kinda bad. I just wish they could have had this experience six months from now or something instead of at the exact. same. fucking. time I would’ve been having it. I keep thinking about how sick at heart I felt that whole long weekend in mendocino, so afraid that something was going to go wrong, that I was going to fuck this up somehow. so terrified to let myself feel the joy of it cleanly. checking the stupid miscarriage risk calculator four hundred times a day. praying for my boobs to hurt more, for my uterus to keep cramping, for my nausea to keep intensifying. just praying for my body to do this one thing for me. I never let myself feel the joy of it cleanly, but I’ve felt the gutting grief of it in so many ways. I feel like as their baby becomes more and more real, mine becomes less and less of a thing that ever mattered to anyone or anything. I don’t need the baby I didn’t have to be the center of everyone’s attention and energy and care. I don’t want that! but I don’t know how to handle this feeling that watching their pregnancy is forcing me to keep carrying mine, long after I needed to gently, grievingly put it down.

[chemblrish]

You are literally living my ideal life! (I dream of getting a degree in and working in chemistry) What are the drawbacks/ highlights of your work in university?

Hello!

I'm so happy to hear you want to major in chemistry :) It's a beautiful, fascinating science and the superior one at that. Keep in mind this is my experience as a first year student (and if any older chemistry students want to chime in, please do!)

Personally, I'm very much in love with my faculty, so it's hard to be totally objective snhfks but what I really enjoy about my studies is how I get to learn all the important concepts in depth. Everything I once learnt on a simplified surface level now I get to explore with more nuance: things like calculating pH, precipitation, solubility, it's all a lot more complex than what they can (understandably) tell you in school and it's really satisfying to be able to dig into that.

Speaking of calculations, I liked math a lot back in hs and I was good enough with it, but definitely not math student level - and I feel like chemistry is perfect for me, bc I get to do math nearly everyday, but it's not the terrifying kind that physicists deal with that hard (unless you choose theoretical chemistry I guess, but that's definitely not my sort of thing).

Then you have the practicals and it's so satisfying that you get to do everything yourself! First semester we mostly worked in groups bc we were babies, but now we work by ourselves and it's so cool to see how your manual skills improve, how much more comfortable you become working in lab, how what you learnt in lectures and what you learnt in practice come together.

I've always been very curious about the natural world and now I'm studying it with people who love what they do, who are extremely knowledgeable and intelligent, who want me to learn and succeed. Also, our puns are the best 😁

Now, for the drawbacks...

Back to seriousness though: I'm not sure if any of the cons I'm about to list are chemistry specific, I think being in uni is just Like That™️, but I'd say the failures hurt like crazy. Sometimes I study so hard and do my best but still get a low grade. Chemistry is a demanding major. And the thing is, everyone around is also working so hard, and it looks like you're surrounded by absolutely brilliant people (I know I am!), so your insecurities may really flare up.

Consistency and discipline are absolutely necessary - once you fall behind, it can be very difficult to catch up and I guess you can see how that gets stressful at times. Similarly, you need to be mindful about what you study - you come across a difficult topic, decide to skip it to save some precious time, and I can promise you that each one of those without a fail will come up sooner or later like the hiccups. Basics first. You need to grasp them well and not shy away from things you don't instantly understand.

Each semester is a bit different, but my second one in particular has been exhausting in terms of the number of classes I had to take. After 7h (and a million reactions...) in lab I still had to go to another class and wrestle with Excel, and the only reason I was able to come home afterwards and do Nothing™️ was because I'd spent the entire previous weekend studying.

Every major has its downsides though. I used to study something else (biotechnology if you're curious) and I hated it, so I think I'm a lot more aware of what I like and dislike now, what I can endure, and what I care about - and I've found out chemistry is something I care about deeply, something I can picture myself choosing over and over again if given the chance. That means the pros outweigh the cons for me.

I hope this answers your question and didn't bore you to death 😅

[amysubmits]

Hey Amy, I hope you are doing well..

I am kindly asking for advice. My Daddy and I arent really doing the best on term of mental health, nothing truly major but we are both not okay.. As a result of personal issues and my health isnt at its finest and we both have been having a hard time with the whole Palestinian war thing. Unfortunately we are in a long distance relationship, so we can't really get together and try to support or embrace one another physical wise. We do talk openly about our problems and hurting but I am not sure what more can I do for my Daddy whilst being away and not being super well myself, I kinda feel like I am not giving him or doing my best for him and its really bothering me the feeling of almost being in less service to him.

Hopefully you understand my point of view being a sub yourself.. And thank you in advance.

Hey Anon,

I'm sorry that you are both struggling. I imagine that not being able to be together in person makes that extra challenging. It's awesome that you're talking openly about your problems so that you both know what is going on with each other. It sounds to me like you're both doing what you can, and you're communicating about where you're at, you just are feeling like you "should" be able to give more because you typically would be able to give more. I think realistically though, you're doing what you can right now, and are having a hard time of resetting your own expectations for yourself to meet your current abilities. It's easy to feel like if you would/could do X on another day, then you should be able to do that thing anyday. I don't know where you're from, but here in the US and in lots of other places in the world, I feel like society sort of sets us up to feel like we should be machine-like in that way. That we should be able to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week year-round, and that our 2 day weekend should be enough for us to engage in our hobbies, socialize with friends, deep clean our houses and start over fresh again each monday as reliably as clockwork. But realistically, humans don't operate like clockwork, we aren't machines, and our capacity changes day to day, week to week, etc. So if we try to maintain the same level of productiveness or emotional labor or what not, every single day and ignore our changes in our emotional energy or just energy in general, we'll end up hurting ourselves and burning out. My guess is that if you reasonably could do 'more' to support your Daddy right now, you already would have done it...but you're in a place where just getting through the "musts" of every day like cooking and working and so on to keep your own life going is leaving you pretty spent and so you don't have "extra" to use to try to cheer him up, and the same thing for him in reverse. And that isn't a failure of you or of him or of your feelings for each other. The fact that you're keeping that open line of communication so you both are aware of what is going on is a big deal. My advice would be to keep talking about where you're at, so that nobody has room for doubts. It may also help to outright 'confess' that you find yourself wishing you could do more for him or like you could make him feel better but you know you can't. Keep trying to take care of yourselves amd maybe double-check your daily or weekly schedules to make sure that everything you're giving your energy to currently really is essential and there really isn't any space to cut yourselves slack or give yourselves a break. If you do find that you could make space in some way like backing out of a social obligation that isn't really essential or if you have some flexibility in what is expected of you at work so you can cut back or something, that might give you more space to change that energy over into doing some form of selfcare like engaging in a hobby that can help reenergize you to eventually be able to give more to each other. But if you really don't have anything you can adjust, it may just require patience to wait on life to naturally cut you a break. Or if it's a more longterm/chronic situation where one or both of you is regularly left without anything to give, professional mental health help might be needed, or a job change or other major change might be needed so you aren't overdoing it so regularly. But from your ask it sounds more temporary.

I hope the phase passes quickly so you can get back to how you guys prefer to be able to care for each other. :)

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

march 19, 2023 | entry #6

i binged…a lot. whydoikeepdoingthistomyself? after my last entry i ended up spiraling into a three day long binge cycle and i feel like shit :( i felt like an absolute failure thursday because i had a few extra bowls of cereal but little did i know that it would spiral into me consuming over 6k calories in the span of three f*cking days!

i have no idea what came over me this weekend but i’ve never felt as disgusted with myself than i do now. i’ve struggled with binging for as long as i can remember but this time just felt…different. friday night i stuffed my face with so much food i had to lie down because i felt so insanely nauseous and full. it was so bad that i literally felt like i could have puked it all up by just poking my stomach. in a typical binge i always eat to excess but this time around was on an entirely different level. i felt so out of control it was like some food demon had possessed me and i couldn’t stop myself even if i wanted to :/

disappointed isn’t even the word. i feel disgusting. no amount of exercise or lax dosages could even begin to repair the damage i feel i’ve done to my body. it would be different if it had just been one day where i slipped up. at least that way i’d be able to convince myself that i had just had a “metabolism day” that would only result in mini pity party rather than an entire depressive episode of self loathing. what makes it x10 worse is that today was supposed to be my weigh-in day. today was supposed to be the day that i finally got back down to the 190s :( now who knows how far i’ve set myself back…

i don’t want to be too drastic with my next decisions because i don’t want this cycle to continue, but i really do wish i could just fast for an entire week after all of this. i’m convinced that’s the only way i could even begin to redeem myself from all of this. maybe i could consider doing a three day fast? it’s still a bit drastic for me (especially coming off of such an intense binge) but i honestly feel like it’s the only way i can keep my sanity.

i hate that this is my life. i hate that i ever let things get this bad. i hate that i could have reached my ugw ages ago if i wasn’t such a slob. i hate that i’ll probably have to suffer with this for the rest of my life. no matter how much i restrict, no matter how much i try to eat “normally”, no matter how many carbs i cut out from my diet, no matter how many cheat days i let myself have, no matter how many times i try to trick my brain into just being normal…this shit will always linger over my head just waiting to make my life as miserable and insufferable as possible.

i still have hope though—hope that at least one day i’ll have made enough progress that slip ups like these won’t be so detrimental. as depressing as it sounds, i always fantasize about the days where i’m finally at my ugw and can eat whatever my heart desires—not consistently obviously (i’ll be damned if i ever let myself regain 100+ lbs ever again) but enough that i’ll still be able to feel a little normal. when i go out to eat i won’t have to spend hours before combing through the menu for foods that fit into my cal limit. i’ll be able to eat my favorite junk foods without feeling like fat cow immediately after. maybe i’ll even be able work towards actually having a semi-healthy relationship with food? wishful thinking.

idk…i’m just tired of this being my reality. i can’t wait to look back at all of this a year from now and laugh…all i have to do is put in the work…

[suchsaccharine]

330am and have no intention of trying to sleep at this point. I just need to keep this in the for front of my mind today while I’m working.

Keep in mind that once I leave for work, redo-sing is not an option.

My hs reunion is this weekend.

Gonna want to be rested for that.

For sure.

Actually in the past month (sober) I’ve made much much much more progress in my wl mission than in months prior. Sleeping is where it’s at.

But I had a moment of weakness and I gave in, and now I’ve got to see my decision through to the end.

The end.

-

I want to cut out random drvg sessions. Like randomly ordering ket, c0ke, speed, mdm@ once every other month. Like where would I be if I didn’t…where could I be if I don’t stay right where I’m at? I have a strong argument for the opposite side, but I do consider this.

I think I’m going to try it.

Cut out everything but my dabs and herb.

Might avoid the tempting redbull substitution this time bc that felt great at first, and then it didn’t.

I lay next to my baby while they sleep and I wish I could enjoy watching them sleep peacefully for so much longer. The sun will rise soon.. another day of being flooded with internal declarations of parental shortcomings and failures. I’ve not felt so genuinely ready to not be here since I had convinced myself I had contracted an incurable sti for like a full 6 months in the first half of 11th grade. But this time it’s not cause of inevitable aloneness, or even disliking raising my child, but that I can see almost nothing but mistakes every single day and I’m starting to believe and accept that I’m kind of not the greatest and that he may be happier in the short+long term if I just..went. I know that probably sounds crazy. And I don’t feel like a bad person or a mean person… but I feel like I could be doing better. And I am trying. Like everyday I consciously attempt to be better than the day before, or at least be very self aware of what I’m projecting.. and I still just feel like I’m failing this kid. I see them laugh and smile and joke and goof off but in my mind …. It’s like I’m so worried ab what could be having a last or traumatizing effect on them, that I truly cannot steer my thoughts in another direction. All day. And all night.

I remember feeling this genre of anxiety for the first time - the first night we were home from the hospital. I don’t think I slept at all. Between feedings I was just in shock. And that was over 8 yrs ago.

See, I wasn’t supposed to have them when I did. It was just a check up and their dad just left me 2 weeks prior and I was only 19 and it was over a month before the actual due date. When they put that baby in my chest, I never felt more lost and confused and helpless in my entire life. I felt bad that I wasn’t having that magical moment that you hear about. But I suspected, during my pregnancy, that I might not. Looking back I can see that I had detached myself from my surroundings and my self because my life had become very actively traumatic. It took me years to figure out that’s why I have and haven’t done a lot of the things I did…and didn’t. Maybe within the last 3 yrs I’ve really been trying to come to terms with everything in the past so I can be better from my child today, and tomorrow. But anyway…

Idk why I typed all that out as if I haven’t written about this in other journals. I guess it’s not the backstory I’m fixated on rn, it’s the current climate. I just can’t tell if they’re happy or not. They told me last night about a disturbing nightmare they’ve been having for about 3 months, which is almost how long my partner for 4yrs (-1.5) have been back together. My partner cares for tha kid a lot and is a good role model. But I feel he is sometimes too quick to be too stern. It’s disheartening. But, He will ensure my child has every opportunity for a successful future. And I’m deathly afraid I can’t provide that all by myself. What’s the lesser of two evils? And while my partner is stern, my child usually has an overall positive shift in behavior with them around. But sometimes I can just see where they are miscommunicating and honestly I am often a bit more ‘on the side’ of my kid because as I observe them together, I can basically see what my kid meant by what they said, why they phrased it how they did, why they are frustrated that you don’t seem to be on the same page. I see it play out across his expressive features clear as day.

I’m only one tiny person. I wish I had all the answers. I don’t. I just really really hope the decisions I make about him do not make him worse off than he would be otherwise. God I feel like shit for bringing him into my mess of a life.

[bongo83cz]

She went away for the weekend and I was left home alone. I wandered around the apartment for a while, wondering what to do. I didn't want to do anything.

When I had a long moment, I went to take a shower and I shaved and... Well, a good bath must be good. And by that time, we were thinking all these horrible, horrible thoughts. So I dismantled the small shower and replaced it with an anal shower and inserted it deep into my ass. A gentle stream of warm water began to fill my guts and I felt pressure in my chest. When the pressure passed in a weak spasm, I turned off the water and hurried to the toilet to defecate while still wet. The puddles of water were left behind me and it flashed through my mind that I WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN THEM UP.

By then, my head was filled with ideas and sinful thoughts. First I'll clean myself up. That means repeated enemas, and until the water runs clear, I mustn't stop. So that I don't sleep, or rather, sleep more. Before the second dose, I took a wrench and a plastic disposable lock from the bedroom. Then I gave myself a second enema and before I went to the toilet I tied my penis, actually probably an overgrown clitoris, into the enema and secured it with a lock. Thanks to that I know that my arousal will be strong and I won't climax right away. A moment of struggle and everything was secured and the shot was already sounding. I still have to take a picture with my mobile phone. And then I moved to the toilet again. We repeated this procedure about four times before we found the anal cleanliness to be good. I documented and photographed everything. I figured out how to edit the photos and add comments to them.

I knew there was still a lot of water left in the bowels after the enema. That's why when I wiped myself I immediately reached for the inflatable anal colic. I inserted it and inflated it so that I felt a strong pressure bordering on slight pain. This inflatable colic as I hoped would keep the contents of the bowels safely inside my body and hopefully there would be no danger of some unfortunate accident. It was not comfortable and convenient, but that was not the point.

Plugged in, locked in, photographed. What else...

I deliberately left the colic hose between my legs. Firstly, it makes it easy to free myself at any time and secondly, the movement of the hose with the balloon at the end is so embarrassing.

I went to the bathroom again. Opened the cabinet and looked through my wife's memories. The first thing that caught my eye was the lipstick. My mistress and wife had already taught me how to do it. So I painted my lips. Well, that's nice, but I'd like to try something else. So I borrowed a crayon. It's a little first, but I've got two days to get rid of it. And so I took a paintbrush and very carefully tried to put the crayon on my lipstick, and the world was not so difficult. Obviously I'm not a marmy observer. Eyelashes and lips are done. For a while I looked for the rest of the licking, but since I have no idea how to handle it all I quickly abandoned my intention. I'm not a perfect diva.

We lacked many things to be a perfect diva, not just the licks. So I went back to the bedroom and pulled out our playful sliders and started to prepare my wardrobe and equipment.

So first, something to wear. I pulled out a black lace thong and put on a suit... Thanks to the fact that it was a thong, the hose didn't bother me so much. It was just the clicks that were a little harder to disguise. I put on a garter belt of the same color with the thong and complemented it with black soft stockings. I started to dress slowly. Learning from previous failures, I first put on the garter belt and then the thong. After all, when a girl wants to go to the bathroom, it's more practical. The damn elastic bands on the garters wouldn't hold, but after a while I tightened them and the beginning of dressing was over. But what next. I could wear a satin shirt, but that wouldn't be quite right today. So I had to go on a secret expedition to the satin zenith. I knew exactly what I was looking for. My lady has one of those nice black minis on her shoulder. Almost exactly my size. Thanks to the elastic, I don't have to worry about damaging them. Yeah, I'd get that. I found exactly what I was looking for. I carefully tried them on and in a moment they were hugging my body. Thanks to the fact that they are stretchy, they fit beautifully and you can put them on your nipples and nipples and there is no risk of the sats pulling them off. The plan was going well and I was starting to be quite happy with myself. Just take a wig to make it look better and voila... Well, it's not for clubbing, but it's enough for me to get a strong thrill at home. I'm still documenting everything carefully. Thanks to a selfie stick with a tripod I found a good place in the hallway by the closet where I know the photos will be good. The others are somehow out of hand. I'm shooting like crazy, eventually I'll pick something.

I put on my steamer trunks (giant size boats) and everything is almost ready. I will add a white apron for the maid because I have a lot of work ahead of me. The outfit is done and it's time to concentrate on the security.

Now I am in doubt whether to lock myself in metal handcuffs or use leather ones. Well, I guess metal ones are better for work. Because there's no danger of them coming loose. But before locking them, there's a crucial thing missing. Sure, without a collar, they'll punch our noses in. So vulture the red boats. The choice is clearly a red collar. Since I'm going to have metal handcuffs, I'm going for a red collar with silver studs. It's not my favorite, but I have to match. Collar tightened and immediately locked. The collar also requires a gag. Anyway, I have no one to talk to, so at least I will train, if I need to be obediently and humbly silent one day. A red ball and chain around the head, or a red leather harness with a ball. Tough choice. The ball and chain will fit nicely, but the harness when adjusted and tightened is so beautifully tight. The bullet can be extracted from the mouth with a little effort. Whereas with a harness, it is quite impossible. Well, the harness won. So put it on, plug it, take it off and lock it again. This is gonna hurt my bones, but the handle is so tight. I admit, if I didn't have it now, I'd be done with my right hand in seconds. But luckily I have it, so I'm just in a lot of pain. Besides, the running, bending and tearing is not exactly pleasing to that bloated intruder in my anus. It holds perfectly, but the comfort is not great and the bowel would probably want to empty again. Nothing can be done, first adjust the clog and secure it and then we can start to solve the emptying...

So after locking the gag, there was nothing to prevent me from securing my hands and feet. As I opted for the quick, if less swift, option. I made a little snap, snap, snap and snap and my hands and feet were firmly restrained. I also clipped a chain between the cuffs to bind them together and limit your range of motion. I also used the same reticule to connect the handcuffs to the collar. So my hands had only a very small range of movement and I had to be in a slight bend. I also considered wrapping the reticule around my waist, but that seemed too strict, considering that I wanted to clean up this way. At least then the disaster after bathing. As the last thing I did, I pinned on my nipples the scripts on the end of which were peasants and went to the toilet equipped in this way.

Here, with a little effort, I unbuttoned my anus and emptied myself. Then I again pricked the anus, because the risk and pleasure are still great.

And now the already groomed servant can kneel down and in handcuffs start cleaning the bathroom. So the rag and the vulture are on the move.

Imagination is one thing, but cleaning with handcuffs on is no fun. Especially when the handcuffs are connected to the collar and leg cuffs. So just wiping and cleaning the bathroom was a lot of work. Moreover, I had to go to the toilet twice more to relieve myself and again after emptying the toilet. On the positive side, however, only clean water came out of me.

So, drooling, sweaty and sweaty, I finished cleaning the bathroom and grabbed the vacuum cleaner. This made the work much easier, as I didn't have to move my hands so much. It wasn't such a problem to smell with my feet tied. Wiped, vacuumed, I'm quite pleased with myself. Maybe I deserve a little reward. And why not.

I'm gonna take off my scribbles and stick electrodes on instead of nothing. I'll also take out the inflatable coil behind the anus and replace it with an electrode. Since my clitoris is in the clit, I can't put the electrodes on it, but I can put the recess ring on the clit. I'll just add the electrodes to the triplets and roll out onto the couch and turn on the power. I'll set the 20 minutes to random program repeat and settle in. The power supplies are on. I select the intensity and strength of the discharge. I know I'm gonna run out of power in a while, so I don't put the sources too far away. Just turn on the selector on the key and 20 minutes of exciting rest can begin.

[inamanicpixiedream]

2022

I've answered these questions on various platforms for over ten years now, I think? That's wild. There's better questions out there but tradition is tradition.

1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?

Lived alone.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions?

I don't tend to make them. My goals evolved over the year. I did aim to spend more time doing creative stuff and while I still didn't meet my expectations, I did did more than I had previously and just feel like I'm moving more to where I want to be.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My aunty gave birth to my cousin, which will probably be the last of our generation of grandchildren. We share the same middle name - my grandma's name - which feels really special.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not a person, but my darling dog Juno had to be put down a few months ago. She was almost thirteen years old, and it was time, but that was just awful.

5. What cities/states/countries did you visit?

This year I found myself in a long distance relationship, so I went to Brisbane quite a lot. Got back today from my fifth trip today.

Also went to Melbourne for the weekend with a friend which was lovely.

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

More stability in health and finances. Otherwise, time with my partner.

7. What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Hoo boy, some pretty big ones. The end of April had a lot of significant dates, culminating on May 4, where I asked to separate from my husband.

And also began a new relationship.

April was a time, y'all.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Professionally, I was on top of things this year. After a couple of years where I felt overwhelmed and underappreciated, and like I wasn't doing anything right. Taking a step back from leadership and just focusing on what I was doing in the classroom was huge.

Personally? Realising I had more agency in my life than I realised.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not having that realisation earlier, I guess.

And while I do not really regret anything, there are things about my separation I could have handled better.

10. What other hardships did you face?

I mean....kind hard to trump my marriage ending. That really was the biggest thing that happened to me, though that phrase implies I had no agency in it, when in reality it was the most empowering thing I've ever done.

Grappling with the decision, putting it into action, and then dealing with the fallout is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

But also one of the best.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I strained my ACL and the meniscus tendon in my right knee on my first flight to Brisbane, giving up my seat so two friends could sit together. I am lucky it wasn't worse; thankfully no surgery, just rehab and a splint, and a weak knee for god knows how long.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

All those plane tickets are up there.

But Leia, my puppy, has got to top this list. I bought her a few months after Juno died, when it was clear Percy needed a companion. It was also a decision I got to make on my own, when I was new to making those, and she has been the perfect little addition to our family. She has helped so much with my healing and the rebuild of my life.

13. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

The support and love my family, friends, and even colleagues showed me this year was unexpected and unparalleled. Where I expected judgement, I got compassion. My workplace accepted my name change without question and told me I could take as much leave as I needed. I was overwhelmed by how much understanding I was shown.

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled?

While he was acting, understandably, out of hurt, shock, and wounded pride, my ex-husband did not take our break up well, and as a result, said and did things that were beyond what I would have thought he would have. Appalled is the right description for my response. Only good thing that came out of this was it just confirmed my decision.

Also, fuck Elon Musk and Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson.

15. Where did most of your money go?

Plane tickets.

But also I had to refurnish my entire house. I did say my ex could take anything he wanted, with the exception of my bookshelves and personal belongings, and he took absolutely everything. My entire savings went to new things, and while that sucked, everything I have in my own now is mine, and bought with my money, and by my choice. I have loved making my house my own.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Every time I went to Brisbane. Adopting Leia. The release of Midnights. Finally seeing Hamilton. Feeling free.

17. What song will always remind you of this year?

Call It What You Want To by Taylor Swift.

The entire Midnights album.

A bunch of other love songs.

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Oh, so much happier. Happier than I ever thought I could possibly be. ii. Thinner or fatter? I no longer pay attention to this. Probably fatter, and that's fine. I struggle a lot with my knowledge that this doesn't matter and the world's expectations on me and my body, but all I want to do is focus on my health and my strength, and fuck what I look like. iii. Richer or poorer? Technically poorer, but I have complete control over my own finances now, so while I'm broke af right now, it's in my hands, and I can afford to rent a house on my own, and buy food, and go out, and do things for myself occasionally. I am grateful finances were not a factor in preventing me from leaving my husband. I have less money, but I feel richer.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading and writing. Going to the cinema.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sleeping. Worrying.

21. How did you spend Christmas? My family did our celebration on the 18th. We had a potluck lunch at my aunty's house, and it was the first time I'd seen my new baby cousin, and I was a bit worried about it being there for the first time without my husband but it turned out to be lovely.

I then drove over 2000km to Brisbane with the dogs, and spend Christmas with my boyfriend and his family. I was nervous about it, as I hadn't met all of them before, and I knew a bit about their dynamic, but it was wonderful, and I was the first girlfriend he'd ever brought to Christmas, and he was super nervous too, but it went super well and he was so happy and relieved, and that made me happy.

The best part though was honestly Christmas Eve. We made spaghetti together, and I've never had someone help me in the kitchen like that before. We played The Whitlams, and then ate dinner with a bottle of rosé I brought, a gift from a student. We ended up doing karaoke, just the two of us warbling away to Jolene, Dancing in the Dark and You Gotta Be. He then asked if we could exchange gifts then because he couldn't wait, so that's what we did. It was lovely because of what it was, but also because it felt like the start of new traditions, and I haven't felt that way in a long time.

22. Did you fall in love this year? 

This really is the story of 2022 for me.

I'm not going to tell all of it, partly because it doesn't entirely belong to me, and partly because there's a lot of it I want to keep to myself.

On top of that, some of it I have already shared here. I was married for thirteen years to the man I had dated since I was 13. He was not a bad or abusive man, but there were several aspects of our relationship that often left me feeling unhappy, unseen, and unloved. But I did not know I could do anything about this. Requests for change, therapy, and even listening, went unheeded. I did not know I had the right to ask for anything else.

And then I fell in love with someone else. I was not looking for it. I did not expect it. I did not ask for it. It took me by surprise and when I saw it for what it was, it only shined a brighter light on the emptiness I felt with my husband. I confided my feelings, and the object of my affection told me simply to work things out with my husband, and he would always be my friend, and he wanted me to be happy. Nothing else happened.

But when I spoke to my husband about the problems that I saw in our marriage, and confessed that I had developed feelings for someone else, I was not faced with anyone who was open to working things out. I was told the problems in our relationship were not ours, but mine. I was told my expectations were unrealistic. I was told I was addicted to attention. I was told that the ball was in my court.

So, I left. I didn't leave for someone else; I left for me. I didn't know anyone else would be waiting for me. What I did know was that I'd a glimpse of another future for myself, and just the knowledge that it was possible was enough to know I had to leave.

But after I asked for the separation, the man I loved was waiting for me. He told me I didn't have to stay, that I was free now and could do anything I wanted. He had no expectations of me, and all he wanted was for me to be happy.

I did not know it was possible to be in love the way we are. I sold myself short for years. It feels like a waste of time, but god, I cannot believe how lucky I am to have it now.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don’t think so.

24. What was your favorite show? Frontline. The Hollowmen. Always Sunny. Derry Girls. Abbott Elementary. Curb Your Enthusiasm.

25. What was the best book you read? Tell Me Again by Amy Thunig. How We Love by Clementine Ford. Surely You're Joking Mr Feynman by Richard P. Feynman. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year? My boyfriend is a DJ who's passion is electronic music, so I've been introduced to a lot of that this year.

27. What was your favorite film? 

Films that came out this year - Elvis. Top Gun: Maverick. I also barely saw anything new so I know there'd be more.

 Films I watched for the first time - The Man from Earth. Anna and the Apocolypse. Being John Malkovich.

28. What was your favorite meal?

I made a lot of burgers for myself which is easy and good and comforting.

One night we went out to a Korean BBQ and I honestly think that's one of the best meals I've ever had.

29. What did you want and get?

To stay in my home and keep my dogs.

30. What did you want and not get?

I don't know how to answer this, for some reason.

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old did you turn?

I turned 34. I went to work, and then streamed on Twitch in the evening.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

To be able to get divorced. I hate that I haven't been able to fully close that chapter, and I hate the policy that says I have to wait 12 months before I know my mind and what I want.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of the year?

Comfortable. Embracing my body. Showing my tattoos. As sustainable as possible.

34. What kept you sane?

My dogs. My friends. Podcasts, particularly Maintence Phase and MBMBaM. My boyfriend. My students.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you admire the most?

Michael Hobbes, who may just be on this list forever and ever. Clementine Ford, whose work inspired me to change my life.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The overturn of Roe v Wade - don't know if I've ever been so angry to get the news. Misogynist, right-wing men having huge platforms.

37. Who did you miss? Long distance relatonships are terrible, and I miss my boyfriend every day I am without him.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

A bunch of new people on Twitch, a community that is still new to me but been so wonderful.

39. What valuable life lesson did you learn this year?

You deserve more.

40. What is a quote that sums up your year?

Sometimes love means having the courage to end what is no longer working. Love for other people. Love for ourselves.

From 'Leave Your Husband', in How We Love by Clementine Ford

You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love The slowest way is never loving them enough Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?

From 'High Infidelity,' on Midnights, by Taylor Swift

[fourtwentie]

I'm getting to that point where I'm not only more sensitive to people and what they say irl or online, but i'm finding more angry chronically online people who are just too deep in the sauce to realize no matter how right their point is, they're still being an annoying asshole. (don't worry tumblr, its no one on here)

Honestly this whole past weekend was just totally shitty. I'm just trying to move on from it but I'm struggling to figure out how since I'm not that great at turning things around and I don't really have people close to me enough that I feel comfortable opening up to. I guess that's why I have so many blogs and journals lol, since I'm total shit at conversation but really good at rambling on.

I guess I just need to make some tea, put something on the tv that makes me laugh, and keep playing oblivion like i have been today. I'm sure I'll feel normal and less alone soon. OH and of course I need to smoke. Well, maybe. We'll see. Crazy to hear this from me but sometimes I spend a night sober by choice now. I really am getting boring these days. Maybe I should livestream on Reality and maybe get to talk about the wilder times I've been through. I've been thinking for years about how I'd love to start making youtube videos or stream, but the idea of failure is a little too scary to me, and I really need to get over that. I need to do these things for the fun of doing them and showing myself that I can.

I found a pretty cool channel the other day that talked about using Figma for UI design, and not only did it look fun, it looked like something even I could mess around with and make something. I wouldn't change my website with it, though. I just want to make something that might actually impress someone. Sometimes I wonder if I could really make some cool stuff (just in general) if I really tried, but I think the fear of trying hard and failing holds me back a lot. I keep going back to being in high school and college, where trying so hard and obsessing got me nowhere, I was still a failure. Having that happen to me over and over again just really destroyed my ability to motivate myself. I wonder though, is motivation a skill I ever learned? Did I ever have someone introduce such an idea to me? The problem is probably my brain working overtime to invalidate any outside encouragement by warping it into something less valuable or sinister. I assume people are just saying what they feel must be said, and not how they really feel or understand what they're saying at all. It's hard to kick that habit.

Everyone is going through something, though. I guess what I really need is to forget about myself and think about someone else's issues. But I kinda do that all the time? Sometimes I just feel like reaching out is not worth it. I reached out to old friends whom I slowly lost contact with, in hopes to just meet up one time to talk, but that always seems to fall through. even when it doesn't, I can tell from the awkwardness just how little I was wanted to be around them. I can tell I'm trying to force something that just isn't there. It's most telling when I become the only person who seems to try to reach out. So I guess I just take the hint. At this point it becomes kinda obvious to me how much people are involved in their own lives. I'm not really in a place to be bitter about that. I mean, shit, I'm not exactly thinking about anyone else right now and I'm not taking the time to be the person I wish I had for other people. I guess it just stings how much I'm getting old when I try and contact my parents on my own, only to have awkward silences and pauses in a conversation I'm the only one carrying with the only family I have. It's just a lot to take in. It feels a bit scary, because it really pushes home how alone I really am. Sure, I'm married, but one person who's busy at work and tired from work just isn't going to be able to be my entire social life and support system. Maybe I just have too much pride to reach out to my loved ones because I know they never do that to me, so why would I ask for something I've never earned? Why be that vulnerable when it could be used against me? Why make the first move of pushing a casual friendship into one that involves trust? Man, you can really tell how little I trust people when you observe my behavior. I will do anything to keep myself from being vulnerable around other people. Though funny enough, I am an open book to every social media outlet I've ever touched. Call that free therapy, lol.

But I can't be the only one who just never has any luck when they open up to people. I mean, what does it even DO, besides make you look like either an asshole or a loser and make you open to being hurt. Maybe I'm just too far gone to really be able to process emotions normally and effectively communicate with another person. I don't know.