#or like sometimes i’ll find a post on someone’s blog when i see a mutual reblog from them + i’ll check out their blog

[boyobjectifier]

forever having to reblog from mutuals-in-law to find a cleaner version of a post i wanna reblog

[bvidzsoo]

Love Me Like A Rockstar (13)

ー☆ Chapter 13: You Know Me Too Well

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: Song Mingi x female reader

ー☆ Warning: cursing, usage of the word 'bitch' ー☆ Word count: 6.5k ー☆ Genre: university!au, enemies to lovers!au, rockstar!au ー☆ Rating: sfw ー☆ Summary: Love. You wanted none of it. You had already been heartbroken very badly once, you didn't wish to go through that ever again. But the Universe works in intricate ways and, somehow, you found yourself webbed up in a local rockstar's life, Song Mingi. He was everything you expected him to be, yet nothing like you imagined him he would be. What happens when you find mutual understanding and have heartful conversations? Will he be able to break down your walls? Will you be able to chase away his darkness?

A/N: Well, well, lovelies...new chapter is up and maybe I'm kind of kicking my feet??? Who knows, we'll see what y'all think of this chapter hehe. Also, happy birthday to Song Mingi?! I actually didn't mean to post the new chapter today, but today was the only day I had enough time to write it sooo, yeah. Tmi, but MC's mother is exactly like my mom, so maybe I drew inspiration from real life lol, I love her to death but sometimes I really wish SHE DIDNT SPEAK lol. Also, I'm so obsessed with today's song for the chapter; I'm screaming, crying, throwing up over it LOL. Just a heads up, next chapter is the last like actual chapter of the series and then I decided to add an epilogue lol cue the sobbing. As per usual, listen to You Know Me Too Well before or while reading the chapter! I hope you enjoy and let me know through feedback hehe <3 Enjoy your weekends! divider

Taglist: @orshii @or5i @lovely-red2 @scarfac3 @juicy-red

@sunaswifes-blog @voicesinmyhead-rc @teez-the-time @maru-matt @kyeos4ng

@deathbyyeekies @chicksmoothie @mjlbn01 @xhexy @tmtxtf

@hwashiningstar @thatfavouritesong @ateez-atiny380 @xciiiomwliah @vixensss

@catchingskzzzs @tesssaurrr @ginger-mingi @mingisbbg

⟨Series M.list ↭ Previous Chapter⟩

♫Playlist♫

            Saturday (2:55 pm)

Me: mingi can we talk?

Saturday (8:30 pm)

Me: i am free whenever you say so just let me know and i’ll be there

            Sunday (9:15 am)

Me: we need to talk, mingi.

            Sunday (12:08 am)

Me: please hear me out im sorry

Monday (current time)

            “Do you think he’ll slam the door in my face?” The hallways were buzzing with life as I tried to veer my way around the crowd of students without running into anyone. Today, out of all days, I just so happened to have my last class of the day in a completely different building and at least a good five-minute walk away from the arts building.

“It’s what you’d deserve, to be fair, but—” The was a gasp on the other side of the phone and my eyebrows furrowed as Seulgi muttered something to someone, muffled, “sorry, Wooyoung almost dropped my mother’s favorite vase, I told him to take off that blindfold.”

Eyebrows furrowing even deeper, I abruptly stopped walking, making a girl give me a heated glare that I didn’t care for, “Why is he blindfolded? Wait! I actually don’t want to know.”

“We were playing hide and seek with his niece, you idiot, but I got bored and sneaked away when I saw you calling.” Seulgi’s voice was exasperated and I chuckled as I took off again, leaving the science major’s building as I nuzzled further into my thick scarf. Some days it was warmer, but most days it got really cold and I hated it. I couldn’t deal with the freezing weather, perhaps it was my biggest enemy after Jeong Yunho, “Anyways, as I was saying, you deserve to be ignored by Mingi, but knowing how big of a sucker he is for you, he’ll probably give in before you can utter a single word.”

My heart jumped at the thought as I gnawed on my bottom lip, cutting off the path as I hurried through the grass, uncaring that I was probably destroying the work of the gardener. Besides, the grass had barely just started growing out again, it would be fine, “You think so?”

“I know so.” I heard Wooyoung’s high-pitched voice shouting from the distance and my eyebrows furrowed as I realized Seulgi had probably put me on speaker. Now that was a bit awkward, “He’s an idiot, but he’s in love. Now that I come to think of it, you two are a lot alike, two idiots in love—”

“I believe your niece is looking for you, babe.” Seulgi cut her boyfriend off and I was thankful because I don’t think I could’ve handled hearing him say the words ‘in love’ again. That was scary, even just the thought of it. I was barely coming to terms with liking Mingi, but hearing the word love sort of made me want to turn back around and abandon my whole plan of trying to make peace between the two of us. And Seulgi knew this, thankfully, because she didn’t say anything about it again, “Are you on your way to his studio right now?”

I hummed and curled my fingers tighter around the thermos bottle, my nose cold from the weather as the arts building finally came into sight, “Yeah, three minutes and I’m there.”

“Good.” Seulgi sounded content and I sighed as I tried to ignore the dawning anxiety that tried to crawl through my body and make me abandon my well-thought-out plan. I had to do this. Seulgi and my mom were right, I couldn’t mess this up again. I liked Mingi, a lot. He is a good guy and I shouldn’t let my past and my fears dictate my life. Yes, Mingi is Yunho’s best friend, but Mingi isn’t like Yunho. Hopefully, “Update me later then, I love you Y/N, I hope you know that.”

I chuckled and nodded at the security guard as he was out of his cubicle, standing at the bottom of the steps, smoking his cigar, “I know, thank you for knocking some sense into me.”

“We’ll see about that later.” Her snort was amused and I shook my head as we said our goodbyes, the warmth of the building making me sigh out in relief as I entered through the front doors. I pocketed my phone and unwrapped my scarf from around my neck, greeting the familiar people I crossed paths with. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling nervous at all, after all, I didn’t know how Mingi would react. If he was anything like me, he wouldn’t forgive me so easily. Not when I’ve hurt him again and in the worst way possible.

As I ascended the marble stairs, I found stability in the thermos bottle clutched firmly in both of my hands now, its weight helping me to keep my determination and focus on going through with my own plan. When I woke this morning and went to take a quick shower, I was surprised to hear my mother’s singing and smell the delicious waft of pancakes, making my stomach growl loudly as I didn’t have dinner the night before. It seemed like my mother had taken a day off, grumbling something about her deserving a day to rest after she was almost choked out by one of her mentally ill patients. I couldn’t help but agree with her as we sat at the table in silence, enjoying our breakfast, that is until she cleared her throat loudly and stood up, fetching a mug and a cup from the counter next to the sink. I froze when I realized she was handing me the cup Mingi had designed with funny looking chicks on it, and I was even more confused when I realized it wasn’t coffee I was drinking, but hot chocolate.

“So, what are you going to do about that handsome fella?” I tried not to groan or regret the fact that I told her everything about Mingi. I took a tentative sip of the hot chocolate and realized it wasn’t hot before taking a bigger gulp as I enjoyed its sweet taste.

“I’ll talk to him today—”

“Great!” My mother didn’t even let me finish as she sprung up from her seat again to fetch something from a cupboard, “It’s amazing how strong our maternal intuition is, I swear my starlight, you should make some babies soon.”

“Mom.” I groaned as I watched her curiously as she took a blue thermos bottle from the cupboard and filled it with hot chocolate from the kettle, “We’ve had this discussion many times before, I’m not having children so young.”

“You’re not that young though.” She sent me a sheepish smile as my eyes widened, feigning hurt.

“I’m turning twenty-three?! How is that not young?” She cleared her throat as she sealed the thermos and walked back to the table to sit down.

“I’m just trying to inspire you, anyways,” She huffed and then placed the thermos on the table and pushed it towards me, “Bring this to him as peace offering, he’ll love it. Trust me.”

“I don’t think what Mingi needs right now is hot chocolate—”

“Finish your breakfast and shut up.” My mother didn’t let me finish as she cut off a thick part of the pancake with her fork and forced it inside my mouth, making me groan, “Mothers know best when it comes to stuff like this, be thankful I’m saving your relationship and be back before lunch. I’m ordering take out, and I certainly am not waiting for late your ass if I’m hungry.”

I knew fighting my mom was fruitless, so I just grumbled an okay as I tried to chew the pancake she had forced in my mouth, my cheeks all puffed out. My mother seemed content that I finally wasn’t talking back to her and I shook my head as I pulled the thermos bottle towards me, reminded of the time when Mingi had brought me tea knowing that I would be feeling probably a little sick after getting all soaked in the cold rain and harsh wind.

So, now, with Mingi’s clothes in my tote bag and the thermos filled with hot chocolate in my hands, I couldn’t help but feel optimistic despite the anxiety gripping at my thoughts. If my mother, Seulgi, and even Wooyoung—who knew Mingi like the back of his hand—were convinced that everything would work out just fine, then why would I not believe that? Sure, Mingi was probably still annoyed at me, but I didn’t think a few apologies and even more explanations couldn’t fix the issue at hand. All I had to do was be honest and come clean with my feelings and he’d probably do the same and then—that’s where anxiety stepped in. Then what? Was I ready to pursue a relationship? Did Mingi want to date me? Did I want to date him? Why did it have to be Jeong Yunho’s best friend I was into? Why could I not move past my fears and stop associating Mingi with everything I was wounded by, when he never once made me feel like Yunho did? I could dwell on these thoughts for an eternity, I fear, but I didn’t have that time right now. And to be fair, I didn’t want to think of such things right now because I could feel my determination wither the closer I got to the music majors’ floor, heartbeat loud in my ears.

I stopped at the end of the hallway and took a deep breath, eyes settling on the studio I knew now was used by Mingi only. Wooyoung was nice enough to tell me the number of his studio—not that I had forgotten since the last time I was here—and he also let me know that it was used by Mingi only, the teachers having granted him full access, even at hours when students were supposed to be at home. It seems so Mingi was a favorite amongst the teachers, and I could see why. He was diligent and hard-working; his lyrics were beautiful and nothing would stop him from fulfilling his dream of becoming a well-known rockstar. I couldn’t help but feel excited at the prospect of that, and hoped that I would be part of his journey, that he’d let me back into his life.

Steeling my nerves and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I knew there was no turning back. I wanted to do this, I had to do this. I had to stop sabotaging myself, and so, I marched down the hallway towards Mingi’s studio with a newfound hope and determination. Which lasted about five seconds as I came face to face with Mingi’s studio door. There was a small window on it, which would let you know whether the room was occupied or not, and it was straight across the desk where he was sat at—with the blonde girl standing right next to him. And that should have been okay, because really, Mingi could talk to whoever and spend his time also with whoever he pleased. And it’s not like I didn’t have male friends—I didn’t, Seulgi was my only friend—it’s not like he couldn’t speak to one of his fans. After all, he’s made it clear she was nothing more than a fan he appreciated for helping spread the word about his band.

But then, why was her hand on his shoulder one second and the next second slowly trailing down the sleeve of his beige cardigan—which looked like it was messily stained with paint—and certainly the way my good disposal dissipated and was overtaken by blind jealousy and rage had nothing to do with the sudden possessiveness that shook me to my core. And perhaps the thing that bothered me the most wasn’t even her feeling up Mingi’s arm as she looked down at him with sultry eyes, perhaps it was the way Mingi leaned back in his chairs, legs spread wide, and smirk on his lips as he looked up at her with his sharp gaze, allowing her to touch him. Perhaps that’s what sent me over the edge as I barged inside the studio in the most unceremonious way, making the girl yelp in fright and Mingi flinch as his eyes widened.

『Baby, you're all that I want

I want you all to myself

Oh, but you know me too well』

And when I was angry—or panicking, or hurt—all rational thoughts flew out the window as I was led by nothing else but pure instinct and a shit ton of unclear and not so necessarily nice thoughts. Simpler put, I wasn’t thinking nor making sense, but I couldn’t care less as I glared at the both of them while I struggled to mask the fury licking at my veins. They were both looking at me wide eyed, as if I had caught them doing something I wasn’t supposed to, and that made me snap before I could think through how to proceed with this whole shitshow, “Get out.”

For a second, even I didn’t recognize my voice as it dropped a few octaves, fierce gaze set on the blonde girl as she paled, eyes scrambling between Mingi and me as, suddenly, Mingi seemed to snap out of whatever scare I had given him by slamming his door open and into the wall. God, I hope I haven’t actually damaged it, because I certainly didn’t have the money to pay for it right now. I couldn’t look at the blonde girl anymore, heart beating fast in my chest as Mingi and I made eye contact, his eyebrows set in a deep frown as he had a sneer on his face.

“Excuse me?” God, even her voice was annoying. I looked back at the blonde girl and raised my eyebrows at her mockingly.

“Are you deaf?” I chuckled, but it was humorless, “Do I need to repeat myself?”

She huffed, looking offended—rightfully so—and I gritted my teeth as I stepped inside the studio, making it pretty obvious that I wasn’t going anywhere before this bitch left. I tried not to see red as Mingi’s hands balled up into fists or the way the girl snickered, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“You’re the one that’s barged inside uninvited, sweetheart,” And if I could have, I would have ripped her blonde strands out, “this isn’t your fucking studio, so, shut up. Mingi wants me here, maybe you should leave.”

I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from laughing, somewhere deep in my mind realizing I looked absolutely psychotic and if Mingi didn’t hate me before, he certainly would hate me now. I wasn’t helping myself; I was making everything worse—just the usual, then. But this bitch wasn’t stopping me from getting what I came here for, and I hummed as my eyes fell on Mingi again, who’s jaw was clenching and unclenching. His sharp eyes were narrowed, but it seemed like he wasn’t saying anything anytime soon and that only pissed me off more.

“Sure,” I nodded and walked further inside, forcefully throwing my tote bag on the small couch against the wall on my left, making the contents of it spill out. I watched as both Mingi and the girl looked at the clothes, and Mingi’s expression flashed with something unreadable for a second, “Mingi wants you here.”

I suppose neither expected me not to stop until I reached the desk, coming up on Mingi’s left side as I slammed the thermos bottle—albeit too harshly—against the desk, a loud bang echoing in the room. Mingi’s eyebrows furrowed as I opened my mouth to tell the girl to leave again, but suddenly, he was up on his feet, staring me down. The height difference wasn’t that great between the two of us, but suddenly I felt small under his heated glare and sneer that seemed to settle on his lips, broad shoulders intimidating as he lowered his head just a little bit. He looked nothing like the Mingi I had gotten to know over the past few months, and it made my heart race as I realized I might not be able to reason with him today, “What the fuck is your problem, Y/N?! You tell her to get out when you barge in unwelcomed, and then start demanding for her to leave—”

I couldn’t even let him finish his sentence before I was firing back my argument, “Oh, what’s my fucking problem?! Maybe the fact that you lied to me?”

“About what?!” Mingi snapped, eyebrows furrowed as he took a step towards me, his body big enough to make the blonde girl not be seen behind him.

“Oh, be for real.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, “You never show anyone your songs to? But you so conveniently let me listen to that unfinished song of yours and now look who else gets to listen to it? Her. If you’re so desperate to get laid, you should have—”

“I didn’t show her shit.” Mingi cut me off, voice shaking as his cheeks grew red from anger, probably. Mingi wasn’t a scary person, but he looked scary right now. There was no ounce of kindness in his expression nor tone, he looked cold and angry and like he hated me. I gulped and realized, once again, that I was digging myself deeper into the shithole I had created for myself, that I was hurting him again and again. This is not how things were supposed to go, “I only showed you. That unfinished song you’re talking about, only you know about it. Thanks for reminding me again why I shouldn’t deal with you anymore—”

“Stop it.” I snapped, eyebrows furrowing as I felt fear grip at my throat, making my voice sound shaky as Mingi’s expression went blank. I hated when he did that. I wanted to know what he was thinking about, I needed to see what he felt. I couldn’t do this if he withdrew himself, I couldn’t do this if I was the only one that would bare her heart to him. I was scared. He was pushing me away like Yunho had done, Mingi was abandoning me.

“Stop it?” If I wanted to cry when he laughed in my face mockingly, impassive smirk settling on his lips, I didn’t let it happen. I kept my composure, anger, hurt, desperation, yearning all mixing together as I found it harder and harder to breathe, “You want me to be nice to you after all the shit you said to me on Saturday? You want me to treat you like before after everything that’s happened? I can’t. You hurt me, made me feel like a fucking idiot, Y/N, you broke—I thought we were friends. I feel disrespected and played, and yet here you are again, acting like you have even an ounce of right to act the way you are right now, when it’s you who made it so fucking clear you want nothing to do with me anymore. Do you enjoy making others suffer? Do you want to see me on my fucking knees begging for your attention? I have enough self-respect to step back and move on with my life when someone so blatantly tells it to my face that I am nothing—”

“But you aren’t!” My tone raised without me meaning to as my heart continued to beat out of my chest so fast my ears started ringing. I felt tears prick at my eyes, but I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to victimize myself, I just wanted Mingi to understand I made a mistake, that I knew I did, and that I was trying to fix things. I didn’t want us to part ways, especially not like this, he made me realize this second that I didn’t want to lose him, “You aren’t nothing to me. I said those things because I’m scared. I don’t know how to navigate these feelings—”

“Save it, okay?” I was left gaping as Mingi shook his head, pushing his hands in the pockets of his light denim jeans, “I don’t want to hear whatever sob shit you have to say right now, I’m asking you kindly to leave before I call security and delete my number, like I have deleted yours.”

The silence that settled upon us was deafening and my eyebrows furrowed as a tear rolled down my cheek without warning, my chest rising and falling rapidly as I tried to find my breath. That hurt, it hurt more than anything before, it hurt more than when Yunho left me, broke my heart. Mingi meant so much more to me than Yunho ever did, and I bit my lower lip as Mingi seemed unaffected, expression blank and rather bored. Nothing was making sense anymore. I was scared, but I also felt ready to break free of the chains of the past, I wanted Mingi. And knowing all this, I didn’t want to hold back anymore, I didn’t want to consider my next words anymore. I just wanted to speak my mind freely.

“My ex-boyfriend is Jeong Yunho, your best friend.” Mingi had almost turned away from me, but he froze, head slowly turning back to face me once again, “We dated back in high school, many years ago, when we were still some headless and stupid teenagers. But he was the first boy I’ve ever loved and he fucking broke my heart, shattered into pieces with a bright smile on his lips. He promised me many things, and I was naïve, so I believed it all. And because I did, I ended up hurt beyond fixing and I’ve never trusted a man again. He was my first boyfriend and the center of my universe, yet he never cared enough about me to properly break up with me.

“Yunho talked about you all the time. Everything you liked, everything you hated, you were part of our daily conversations and I always wished to meet you, to see what was so great in you that had Yunho gushing all the time. I was jealous, so jealous that I became bitter. I started hating even the mention of your name, I selfishly wanted Yunho to myself, and you gone from his life. I couldn’t understand what was so great about you and why I wasn’t enough. I knew Yunho didn’t love me, but I wanted him to, so I made myself believe it, believe that I was worth more to him than you’ll ever be. And in the process, I stupidly made myself believe that he’d never leave me, that he was the one for me like he has said so many times before.

“He broke my heart so fucking bad that it took years until I could say his name or even see his face again. I am over him now, have been for a long time, but I can’t help still feel bitter about him. I can’t help but associate you with him at times. He made me defensive and untrusting of men, I couldn’t help but assume you’d be just like Yunho when I first met you, at least when I finally realized who you were. I felt so guilty, I tried to push you away but you wouldn’t fucking give up. You are everything yet nothing like Yunho and that scares me, because I want you, Mingi. But I’m scared you’ll abandon me like Yunho did, that you’ll fill my head with empty and pretty fantasies and then leave me alone with them, tearing my heart apart in the process. I want to open up, but I’m scared. I think, however, with you by my side, I’d be able to do that, to let my walls down.”

The silence that settled upon us, once again, was deafening and I gulped, heart racing and making me feel lightheaded as Mingi’s face had fallen, expression finally not as void as before. He looked shocked, but surprisingly, he didn’t look hurt nor like he would hate me for ever. It made me hopeful for a second, it made me sniff loudly and blink away the insisting tears from my eyes. He gulped and took a deep breath, making me stare in his eyes, hopeful and less scared, as he sighed and rubbed at his chin; a stubble was showing. Now that I come to think of it, he looks rather tired with bags under his eyes, and his platinum hair has a blue hue to it.

“I’m sorry he made you go through so much; I know it wasn’t easy.” Mingi’s tone finally lost the edge it had before, finally it wasn’t laced with so much anger, and it almost made me cry, “I kind of—I knew. Not exactly the whole thing, but I suppose I can say I had a feeling that there was history between you and Yunho. It was too obvious whenever I brought him up that you didn’t like him, at first I was confused, but then I suppose everything just clicked into place. The drawing of his eyes, the sweater you lent me and the fact that you gave it to me in the end—I’ve known since then that it was probably Yunho. I never said anything to him, not like that at least, I wanted you to come to me on your own, when you fully trusted me with the information. And I’m sorry, but he—he was an asshole back in high school, he was insecure and he played with everyone’s feelings, he was quite good at manipulating people around him. He’s mentioned dating you, but very few times, and by the time you had broken up I had all but forgotten about you, I suppose I wasn’t much better compared to him.

“But all of this isn’t my fault in the end, and while I completely understand your reasoning now and why you often acted the way you did, I’m sorry, but I can’t just let go of things and start anew. There’s just—too many things that have happened, emotions that you stirred up in me, and I just can’t do it, I—it’s not even about you and Yunho, I don’t give a fuck about it, it was ages ago and Yunho is a changed man and I know he’s long moved on. And you too, I believe you have, you seemed less bitter lately, but I just can’t. I can’t help but ask again, what do you want, YN?”

At least he wasn’t mad at me, but I did feel ashamed that I made him piece everything together on his own, that I wasn’t capable of telling him the truth myself. I have made mistakes, sure, but Mingi apparently didn’t hate me for them, “I just want to apologize, for everything.”

Mingi nodded and I watched in despair as that cold mask slipped back onto his face, expression void of any emotion once again. It made me want to grab his shoulders and shake them, force him to look deep into my eyes and just see everything I felt for him, “That’s fine, I accept your apology. If that’s all, you can leave—”

“But that’s not all!” I snapped, having had enough of being dismissed by him. I saw the way his jaw twitched, the way his eyebrows furrowed at my defiance, at my reluctance to leave just yet. I was being pathetic and a pain in the ass, but I had to make him understand that I was ready to leave all my fears behind for him, to learn how to be a better person next to him. I wanted to change, and I wanted it to happen with him by my side, with him guiding me and teaching me how to be more like him, and less like the shitty person I was for so long. I longed to be the way I was before meeting Yunho, a lot happier and a lot less broody and hateful of the beautiful things that surrounded me, “Mingi, I cannot stop thinking about you. I spend every waking moment when we’re apart wondering what you’re up to, what’s going through your mind, whether you’re okay or not. And I’ve been drawing you, since the first time I saw you, you’ve captured my attention, you’ve made me curious of who you were the longer we spent time together. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I don’t want to hurt you anymore and shut you out, I want to fix everything. I want to—I just want you, Mingi.”

There was a quiet scoff behind Mingi, but neither one of us reacted to it as our gazes bore into each other, my eyes glinting with yearning and his façade slowly breaking down as he released a shaky breath, “Mingi, I adore you.”

“Get out.” For a second, my body froze as I thought he was addressing me, but then, he whirled around and pointed towards the studio’s still open door, “Get out, now.”

And I just realized that the blonde girl had been witness to everything, and I couldn’t help but blanch in embarrassment as she made to interject, but I guess Mingi’s sharp eyes made her reconsider her choice as she huffed and then stormed out of the studio. My cheeks felt hot and I realized the clothes were making me sweaty, so as Mingi hurried towards the door to close it, I shrugged my jacket off and placed it neatly on the back of the sofa together with my thick scarf. And as I looked up, mouth dry as the door clicked shut and Mingi turned around, it felt like time stopped, like the world stopped moving. But Mingi was moving towards me, in nothing more than three steps he stood in front of me, and before I could even as much as try to reason with him or plead more to be forgiven, warm fingers dug into my cheeks and the wind was knocked from my lungs as his plush warm lips slammed against mine, making me gasp as my eyes remained wide open.

『Filthy impetuous soul

I wanna give it to you』

I thought he wouldn’t want anything to do with me, I thought he’d tell me that he needed time to forgive me completely and for us to work things out. But I couldn’t help shudder and feel ecstatic as I grabbed the collar of his shirt and cardigan, my eyes falling shut, as I pulled him closer to my body, savoring the kiss as if it was our first. But it wasn’t anything like that one, it wasn’t soft nor careful nor slow, it was hurried and desperate as Mingi pushed me backward, pressing me against the wall, right between the small space between the sofa and the desk. My arms circled his neck as he grabbed my nape with one big hand and pressed his other into the small of my back, making it arch as my fingers tangled into his soft hair, not pulling, just feeling the need to hold onto something, to keep myself grounded.

And much like the first time, our lips seemed to fit perfectly, and I tried not to keen when he sucked my bottom lip between his teeth, nibbling on the soft flesh, and I tried not to turn into a puddle when he hummed lowly against my lips as my fingers flexed in his hair. Perhaps I kissed him a bit harder and more aggressively as our pace quickened, my hand holding the side of his neck as Mingi pressed his body into mine until it felt like he was trying to forbid me even of the idea of escaping from his clutches, and I had no fucking intention of going anywhere, because in his arms I felt content and safe, and perhaps a bit too hot as goosebumps covered my arms the longer our lips moved hungrily against each other. And when I cupped his cheeks and perhaps held onto them a bit too firmly, his lips parted, and I ignored my lungs screaming for air as my tongue slipped past his parted mouth. I didn’t expect him to moan as our tongues tangled together, all wet and perhaps a little disgusting, but neither one of us cared about that.

I tried to stand on my tip toes for better access as Mingi’s ring clad fingers were suddenly running through my hair and tilting my head back, making my skin tingle where he held my hip firmly. I had been kissed by other people before, but neither felt like with Mingi, neither made me crave more and more and more. But our lungs could only go on so long without air, and I would’ve been embarrassed for the loud gasp I let out when we finally parted, if it wasn’t for Mingi diving straight for my neck and finding the sweet spot that made me putty in his arms. And I tried to ignore his deep grunts as my fingers got tangled in his platinum blonde strands as he pressed open mouthed and wet kisses against my neck, his arms around my hips pulling me into an embrace that had my pulse showing through the skin of my neck. My lips were tingling and my lungs actually hurt, but I couldn’t care less when Mingi finally pulled back and blinked his dark eyes open, pupils dilated and lips so swollen he almost made me chase after them once again.

『Oh, just to see what you'd do

'Cause I'm so drunk on you』

“What’s in the thermos?” His voice was raspier than usual, and it made me bite my bottom lip as my eyes searched his face, his falling on my lips instead.

“Hot chocolate, for peace making.” I answered, sounding a lot more breathless than I actually felt, and Mingi chuckled, the sound deep in his throat. I let my arms fall from his shoulders and instead circled them around his torso, trying to fight off the smile from my lips. Mingi didn’t look angry nor dismissive anymore, but I knew I wasn’t actually forgiven just yet. And that was only fair.

“This is peacemaking, not the hot chocolate.” And there it was, the mischievous glint in his eyes and the smug smirk on his lips as he squeezed my hips once and lowered his face until our lips brushed together, “Although I do appreciate the hot chocolate too.”

“Good, my mom was rather excited when she told me to give it to you.” I pressed a chaste kiss against Mingi’s lips before he could try and say anything, and he chuckled when I pulled away, eyes creasing and crooked front teeth showing.

“What are we now?” His voice was a mere whisper, not insecure nor scared, just wondering, “What do you want?”

I gulped, but decided to be honest. No more hiding my feelings and thoughts from him, “I don’t know just yet, and that’s why I need you to take the lead, but this—I want more of this, of you.”

“Good,” Mingi hummed, lips pursed as he kissed my cheek once before slowly releasing me from his warm embrace, “because I’ve been wanting more of you for fucking ages, doll.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle as suddenly I felt embarrassed and perhaps a little shy, but Mingi seemed to be unphased as he grabbed my tote bag and looked through it because his clothes were in it, “You can keep these, they looked better on you anyway. But you better not give them to Yunho if he ever happens to go over to your house—”

“Mingi.” I snapped mortified and pushed his arm as he dropped the tote bag and burst out laughing, giving me a cheeky smile.

“Want to hear the rest of the song I made for you?”

“For me?”

“Yeah, doll, for you.”

            By the time I managed to get home I might as well been on cloud nine and in so much ecstasy that one would think I was on drugs. Which, kind of felt like it after the day I have had—not that I’ve ever done any drugs. I failed to notice my mother’s silhouette in the window of our kitchen when I got out of Mingi’s car and, of course, that meant she saw him get out of his old Honda Prelude and jog after me to kiss me hard and leave me dizzy before he left. And all of that, of course, meant that by the time I unlocked the front door and stepped inside, my mother was leaning against the archway of the kitchen with the widest smirk I’ve ever seen on her face.

“So, did you have sex?”

My eyes widened in mortification and I struggled to step out of my boots and shrug off my jacket, “Mom!”

“So, you did, huh.” It wasn’t even a question, and suddenly running after Mingi’s car sounded a lot better than standing in front of my mother as she bit her bottom lip, giving me a wink.

“We didn’t!” I exclaimed, cheeks flushed a deep red as I cradled the tote bag to my chest, “He needs to take me out on a date first—many dates, actually.”

“Well, he better hurry up then cuz you’re glowing and you’re happy.” I froze at my mother’s words as she looked at me with a serene expression on her face, lips pulled into a small smile, forgetting all about her previous teasing, “He’s good for you, too good. I haven’t seen you so relaxed and happy since—since highschool.”

Since Yunho broke up with me.

“I know, and I will make sure I never hurt him again.” I told my mom and she hummed, looking down at her wristwatch.

“You missed lunch, by the way, so you’ll eat chicken tenders—”

“Again?!”

“Again, exactly. Go wash up before dinner.”

And I was out of her sight in no time, with a newfound rush in my system, skin tingling as I realized I craved to hold my pencil and my sketchbook in my hands. I couldn’t remember the last time I drew something for me and not because it was an assignment. And if hours later the sketch looked a lot like a familiar platinum blonde haired man with sharp eyes and a tall nose wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a beige cardigan over it, accessories many and nails painted black, then I wouldn’t even deny it anymore. Perhaps he would love seeing my drawings. Perhaps I should finally show him.

Mings 🖤: date on wednesday? Me: but im paying this time Mings 🖤: so when we went to the pottery coffee shop it was a date wasnt it, doll Me: maybe it was maybe it wasnt Mings 🖤: no maybes this time

『Oh, but you know me too well

Oh, but you know me too well, well』

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[romanarose]

All right, I lied I’m talking about it again

CW for mentions of sexual assault, CSA, supposed, pedophilia, fandom, discourse, kink, etc, etc

First, let me explain to those confused, what happened and then I’ll defend myself and then we’ll leave it there because once I go through everything your opinion is just going to be based on your point of view and I can’t really argue you out of that which is fine, so just go ahead and block me if you think I’m a creep weirdo or anything else that Radiohead says

Today as I am in class packing up my shit to leave right after my presentation I get a notification from a Tumblr mutual that said that a Tumblr blog I’ve never heard of or interacted with is posting about me in a harassing way so I go and I check it into my surprisethey posted screenshots of my most recent fanfiction. I miss you Mr. Miller.

The post explicitly called me a pedophile. I’ll share the screenshots, but the username as far as I can tell has been cropped out of everything. If you want to send and ask to this person and say your peace, I can’t stop you, but I ask you not harass this person, and simply report the post, if you know who it is

In one of the re-blogs or an answer to an ask, they called for mass, reporting my blog

No, I don’t say this to say that people who have been through what I’ve been through can’t be pedophiles or abusers, because they absolutely can but I say this to say why I had such a reaction to this and why I write the things I write

I have been a victim of child, sexual abuse was stocked, threatened and sexually harassed by an older man. When I was 17, lost my virginity to rape and 18, and then was raped again at 19 so believe me when I say that throwing around these words is shocking to me to just call me a pedophile. I write the things I write, innocent, reader, virgin reader, daddy kink, because of the things that I have been through sometimes as a reclamation of the experiences that I have suffered, sometimes as coping sometimes as comfort depends on the story.

No, let’s talk the specific issues

1. Shoes. Before I saw any of this, someone had DM me politely mentioning the shoes saying that they looked like child feet and that they wanted to make sure they were adult feet. I responded back that when I found the shoes on Pinterest they didn’t say anything one way or another, but I specifically look at the descriptions of clothing items because I don’t want to use clothing items that aren’t made for adults. If I can help it however, reverse image search shows that those are in fact an adult size and an adult model.



2. The dress once again, when I found the dress on Pinterest, I had already sorted out several dresses that I liked that first glance, but when I look at the description they said, teen or tween. It’s hard to tell right away it was certain styles there’s no model the dress is meant for what age I remember in my young adult hood when I was still dressing feminine and was a much smaller size. I sometimes found clothes at thrift stores. I thought were cute and would later find out they were meant for teens or twins, such as life.

2 Readers. Reader is 21+. Me personally I don’t put reader is 18+ in all my stories or my age gap stories, nor do I expect to see them when I read age gap stories in other peoples works, because I just assume everyone is an adult unless there’s some thing that tips me off against that, however, straight off the bat, the idea of being fucked in your childhood bedroomI feel like implies that she is one no longer a child and two doesn’t live there anymore. A couple chapters in, her and Joel are at her apartment and she was buying a new mattress having an apartment in itself implies at least 18 buying a new mattress is something you do in your 20s lol because no one was still in their name is gonna get excited about a mattress sale on Presidents’ Day. Then she was out drinking with Joel in a bar and yes, minors can get snuck into bars all the time I was a minor snuck into bars, however in this particular context, it just doesn’t make sense because Joel reader were already afraid of being seen together together. Joel wouldn’t want to add buying drinks for someone under 18 and taking them home after the bar to the list of worries and I know that in a lot of countries, the age of drinking can vary but in the US we’re both I live and where Joel fictionally lives the drinking age of 21, hence 21+ no none of the stuff I mentioned guarantees and reader but to me it’s coding in the same way that the people making accusations towards me are saying that reader is “coded“ as a child

3. Sex in the church. This was an afterthought in the person‘s post but I’ll address it anyway because they’re losing their mind that I mentioned having sex in a church for the context of the thick. Specifically, they had sex in a church bathroom, not in the actual sanctuary, or the pews, or anything however, for the record, I don’t got a problem with fanfiction having sex in a church because it’s not real. I would never actually have sex in a church, I try to go up to avoid going to a church as much as possible. The fanfiction isn’t real, it can’t hurt you

Lesson fucking learned, explicitly say reader is 18+ every time or someone is gonna accuse you of being a pedo

In the end, it’s not gonna change anyone’s minds. Because if you think that calling someone daddy, being hyper or liking to be babied, anything like that, makes you a pedophile, then I can’t really ration my way out of this.

However, I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out. A lot of blogs I’ve never interacted with a lot of friends, mutuals and on or blogs that I’ve followed on here for a year. Now I’ve reached out to me and offer their support which I really really appreciate and I cannot appreciate enough.

Hopefully I can still enjoy my cousins wedding this weekend and get my schoolwork done that I need to before going back to classes on Monday and that this doesn’t make more worse my already precarious mental health. But I’ve gotten so much love in so many kind words that it’s hard not to feel grateful for the amount of support I’ve gotten.

Between this and a minor hoopla about my pride even, I’m kinda sick of tumblr sometimes but y’all remind me of the good

Yes, you can re-blog, and if you wanna know who it is then ask someone else that’s fine I don’t really care that much. I just don’t want to be dog piling the person.

However, please report it. Because people are still sharing it, and commenting and liking especially about the shoe size

That’s it that’s my peace

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

liz 🫶🏽🫶🏽 i understand why you're thinking abt leaving, but i have reasons why you shouldnt. i really hope this brings back some of your faith in us, bc i havent really done much to keep it 🙏🙏🙏

you're VERY talented.

i feel like there's not much to elaborate on this? like, i've been stalking a few of my (now mutual) amazing fic writers and artists for a while, even before i got an official account, but you've always been one of the first.

2. you're inspiring to ALL.

one of the first leon fics that i ever read were one of yours. back when i first got on here, your account was recommended to me first, and im so so so glad that it was. you were someone that wrote leon, and the further i delved, the more i realized that you were really talented, not just a horny teenager looking to get likes. you were ACTUALLY WRITING. and that's so so inspiring because let's be fr, who does that anymore? ik for a fact that a lack of likes gets me discouraged (but that might be my praise kink yapping)

3. your fic ideas are so creative AUGH

honestly? sometimes i wish i could go back in time and just... think of that idea first, because they are always stunning. especially your cool mom's countdown, that had me enamored. i looked up to you and thought, if she could brush herself off and get up, write this and still manage her life outside of writing, i could at least try, right? so i have you and a multitude of others to thank for this, but you for being my first inspiration on here.

4. you're very mature about everything.

in the sense that personally i would freak any time i get anon hate in my inbox, you handle things very well, like a cool older sister (not the one that gets in fights and gets expelled, but the one that's calm and calculating. i've always seen you like that, not an insult, but a compliment <3) having an online presence is hard when people hate on you, and i'd just like to say one more thing

5. you are NOT unoriginal.

i have no idea where the fuck those asks are coming from, saying that ur unoriginal and that ur dialogue is repeated, because it's not???? everything you write is well thought out and precise, even if you hadn’t meant it to come across that way. not to mention that ur blog is one of the very few that i’ve seen that actually has a set theme, in this case, the music! the demos, the singles; a lot of work went into it, and i dont know why the fuck people aren’t appreciating it and instead hating, but lets end on a good note, which brings me to

6. we respect your decision.

this is not to get you to change your mind, please never think of this that way. i’ll completely understand if you still want to go through with becoming an archive idea, because that is always up to you and don’t ever feel pressured to do something you don’t want to. this is more of a response to the hate that you’re getting for no reason, and also just because i feel like i haven't really been showing up, as of late? i’ll always look up to you, no matter what you choose <3

ily!! made my day with this one, sweetheart (i didn't see a name on your blog, so i hope that's an okay name for you)

people like you make me want to stay (and i'm never going to stop writing, i've been in love with writing since long before tumblr), but if i stop posting/post less, we can always chat in the dms/discord :)

the horny teen thing made me laugh bc i was a melodramatic hopeless romantic teen who wrote poetry during class - for better or worse, i feel like poetry being my introduction to writing (and ultimately, what i like most/think i'm best at) shows in the way i write fic sometimes?

i'm happy to hear that you find my fic ideas original because i feel like my creativity/imagination is limited, especially when i'm not into AU's and such (i'm so stuck on making characters not OOC). i feel like this is different from a lot of writers but brainstorming and plotting is my least favorite part of writing, like i love the actual writing things down part and even the editing sometimes! this is such a random side note but i always see posts about people being like "i have an idea but i don't want to write it out" and i'm like omg pls feed me the idea, i would love to write it!

(also, i don't really have a life outside of writing at least atm... which definitely contributes to my whole emotional state rn)

i don't think i've ever been called mature before lol! i'm glad it seems like i'm handling things right but ik it's probably best to ignore anons, i'm just the type of person who won't start fights but won't back down from them either? i also think a lot of the people are easy to clown on lol

the older sister comment makes me want to cry, genuinely bc i am an older sister in real life (to my brother, who is my favorite person in the world) but i've been writing and thinking a lot about how i wish i could go back in time and be my own big sister (not to get too deep, but i wish i could hug baby me :( )

the funny thing about my theme is that i actually feel like it's v disorganized (tho i love maximalism and color and it is v me, plus i had to do a disco theme for miss oranje)

if i did quit this blog, which i doubt i will entirely bc i still want to support other people even if i post less of my own stuff, i would definitely leave it as an archive or leave some way for people to read my fics because I HATE when authors delete their fics, like i totally get orphaning a work on ao3 if that's something you want to do but as much as i don't like some of my older fics and might do a revised version of not old enough in the future, ik that there's probably someone out there who loves that fic and would be sad if it was gone

btw i am trying not to cry bc i'm in the same room as my dad and it would be awkward but "i look up to you" is quite possibly the biggest compliment i've ever received, like that means a lot to me because i struggle with the idea that younger me wouldn't like me now so the fact that someone else finds me worth looking up to for any reason at all makes my heart cry tears of joy

also, you have absolutely been here for me, like every reblog/comment on my fic makes me so happy, and ik a lot of people don't have the time to leave comments and such so it makes my heart smile knowing that you put in that time and care!

[confessionsofa-roleplayer]

I've got this personal method to handle people in fandoms and the rpc whole who I find out are gatekeeping or elitist. It's a rather extreme method to some but I've found I get fairly tired of such people that force my hand into using it.

I call this method my Broad-swing Block. If I encounter someone just being generally condescending or unwelcome I will block them and their most frequently interacted with mutuals I see on their blog. Usually the ones that they have a balance of many ooc and thread posts with, or others who promote them.

Sometimes, although very rarely, I encounter some of these collateral blocked people later when they maybe contact a side-blog of mine to interact there. Or they go out of their way to leave me an anon on my main blog to inquire why they were blocked if we've never interacted. So I can answer them I keep track of only the original offending parties and the fandoms they are in.

My answers however only consist of vaguely mentioning a non-descript user within their fandom made me too disappointed to want to bother with anyone who interacted with them.

While I'll admit that blocking a bunch of collateral parties that didn't directly interact with me seems extreme, I've had enough encounters in the past with a network of muns not to trust any of the ones that are close to the offender. It's essentially my preemptive expectation with anyone around the offender that I'll find myself being disrespected or made to feel unwelcome in an interest so I'm cutting them off early.

If that means I've got to block like 12 people around the offender, so be it. I want no part of their fandom if they're going to keep pushing people away from getting into it, so I don't want them coming around to me when their fandom dies because of it.

[dimity-lawn]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

“Hip, Hip, Hurrah! Artists’ Party at Skagen” by Peder Severin Krøyer (1888). I could never choose a favorite work of art, but this is one I’ve loved since first I saw it. The dappled light, the jollity, and especially the squirming child who is not only refusing to sit still while the grownups do grownup stuff, but is oblivious to the smile and love on her mother’s face.

The purr of a cat. I can purr myself, well enough to make other people think that the cat is the one purring, but it’s not really the same. I can tell cats apart by their purrs, and each one is special.😊

Things left behind. That is to say things that show something has been used and loved. Writing in old books, the dents in the silver handle of a parasol, the scarring where buttons have been moved on old button boots, and other things of that nature; that act as a gentle reminder of the people who used/owned it before, and show that life happened.

Seeing seamstresses’* quirks and such when looking at old clothes. Whether it’s the awe-inspiring attention to detail done by a painstakingly patient professional or a complete mess done by someone who clearly didn’t know what they were doing but made an effort anyway, it’s something I appreciate. Sometimes I’ll come across something and find that I made the same mistake and though I may not know anything about who did it, I know that we shared the mistake and moment of “oops” before we stitched on regardless of living in a different time and place.

When people enjoy my posts here. I don’t really care how many notes I get or how many followers I have; I’ve never been one for popularity and especially not online, but I do like to think that sometimes someone’s day gets just a little bit better, that they smiled an extra smile because of me.

*Not like that Discworld fans! I realize that Discworld fans can’t always be trusted with that word, but I wanted this to make some sense to people who aren’t familiar with the series.

Note: I don’t get many asks, and if that’s because nobody has any questions that’s fine, but if you’ve come across my blog and avoided asking because you see “Ask Me About Pins” and don’t have any pin related questions, it’s okay. It only says that because of Going Postal by Terry Pratchett.

[faithdeans]

hi you can post this or not ! whatever you’re comfortable with. tw for talk of sa and internalized aphobia

so i was taken advantage of when i was in middle school by another middle schooler (someone who was convinced he was my boyfriend) and suffice it to say, it was not a good experience. i havent really dated since and i definitely havent had romantic or sexual feelings since. i think i had a crush on a kid before when i was in fifth grade, but it was so long ago i don’t remember.

sometimes i wonder if i’m really acearo or if i’m just so put off by relationships and so sex averse because of that. i do like smut but i panic whenever anyone references anything sexual in person in anything but a serious and calm tone. i’m nearly twenty and i still request my friends don’t make overly sexual jokes around me because of how averse i am to it all.

i’ve never understood romance, but i do enjoy romance books and fics. often reading fics i find that the romantic relationship is just a different type of relationship, and that there’s also deeply platonic roots in it. that makes me feel okay about maybe trying romance one day, but i really have no desire other than having a roommate to take care of a dog or cat with.

so yeah, sometimes i wonder if i’m really acearo or if i just need to work through trauma. the sa happened before i even hit puberty, so i really have no idea if i would have still been ace had it not happened, you know?

i don’t mean anything offensive by this, i’m just self conscious and wanted to talk about it with someone who might understand. if you’re not comfortable with this message, please don’t feel pressured to respond in any way. if you’d like to give me a response but not post all of this, i’ll sign it with an anon name to refer to me as :) if you want to post all of this and answer directly, that’s cool too. i’m very okay with having my story out there if you think it could help someone else out.

i know you’re mainly a supernatural blog, so before i go: sickly dean for life <3

-> confused ace anon

first of all hiii! thank you so much for feeling like you could talk to me about this, it means a lot and i will try my best to help. if you ever want to dm me, they're open (if they're not shoot me an ask and i'll turn them on), even if we're not mutuals or anything, i want you to know you can talk to me without any judgement <3

reply under the cut to save space

first of all i am so sorry that happened to you, you did not deserve that, and although it's a valid reason to, i'm sorry it's making you doubt your indentity too.

i want you to know, that even if your aroace identity was cased by your sa, it is still 100% valid. there is actually an entire ace microlabel for this, called Caedsexual, which is for aces who thought they may have been allosexual until the events of their trauma. it might be worth looking into that?

with that in mind, it is also entirely possible for your identity to change over time, and to fluctuate too. for example, i definitely think i was alloromantic for most of my life, but something changed along the way. i can't pinpoint it but i know it did. this is normal and doesn't make the way you currently identify any less real.

what you enjoy when it comes to fiction can be a good indicator of what you want yourself, but i personally disregard it. listen, i'm also sex-averse but i love reading smut. it's so fun. i don't even get off on it, it's just light reading to me. do i want any of that to happen to me?? absolutley fucking not. i don't even like being kissed that much. sometimes enjoying stories can be just what it is: a story. and sometimes it's fun to see characters do things you absolutley wouldn't. kind of the same reason people read horror you know?

so, to sum it all up: if you feel like you are aroace right now and you are comfortable identifying that way, then that's awesome, that's what you are. it can change, and that's perfectly okay too. remember it's a spectrum too, for example i find myself fluctuating between being greyaro and aro. this is all normal and fine.

what you read and enjoy in fiction doesn't always represent what you want. this is also fine!

it doesn't matter how old you are, if people talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, it's completely valid to ask them not to do so in front of you. this does not make you immature and anyone who makes you feel like it does deserves a punch in the face tbh.

all this being said, i 100% recommend you getting help for your trauma, just because you deserve to feel better in yourself. if along the way you discover that you're not actually aroace then ?? that's fine my friend! or maybe you will discover nope yep definitely aroace, and that will also be fine!

it's your life, and your identity, and as long and you're being honest with yourself in the moment, in this very moment in time, you really don't need to stress about it too much my sweet.

sending you so much love, and again, if you ever need to talk about it i'm here! i hoped this helped somewhat <3

[tentacleteapot]

didn’t want to lump this into OP’s post unasked, but the topic of “it’s okay if you just so happen to dislike somebody while still being civil about them if you have to engage with them, you don’t have to go digging for the flimsiest possible justification of your dislike” is something I think about a lot when it comes to tumblr’s relationship with media over the years, honestly.

like, it would be ahistorical and downright dishonest to say that some of tumblr’s reputation for being “a blog site with pvp enabled” doesn’t come from the fact that there are and always have been users on here who felt like they had to justify their dislike or disinterest in a really popular thing at one point. it’s just plain factual that said dislike motivated them to go digging into a creator or actor’s past to try and find something sufficiently negative that they could use it as justification for publicly dumping on something. I know this because I’ve had people say it to me, seen people say it, and I’ll admit to even having thought it myself a couple times over the years (in my defense, I’ve been on tumblr since like 2010, I was much younger then).

“I can finally make a post about how awful this show is and then I’ll never have to see people talk about it again because my mutuals will feel like they can’t reblog things from it” may not have been the exact words that anybody said, sure. but in a time before we had resources for blocking tags and posts we didn’t want to see, the extremely nebulous claim that something was “problematic” (scare quotes intentional, the term as tumblr uses it has ALWAYS been too vague and unspecific to have any real place in actual discourse or critique imo) was often enough to get mutuals and sometimes even tumblr celebrities to boost your post decrying it. and that attitude definitely extended toward people whose posts or typing quirk or overall vibe just… didn’t do it for you.

is that an okay way to act? no. is it the ONLY reason people might feel like they have to find concrete ‘proof’ their dislike of somebody is justified? definitely not. is it the only time anybody feels that way? of course not. sometimes bad people DO have bad vibes, or a show’s writing or an actor’s behavior are subtle red flags that subconsciously warn us not to get too invested in something. but the very specific “once I have the perfect reason for disliking this crafted, I can bring it up whenever I need to or keep it in mind if anybody asks why I’m so rude to this guy or get so mad when I see gifs from this show” mindset is one that’s sadly had a lot of cultivation and fuel devoted to it over the site’s various eras of discourse. unlearning the idea that you have to have a reason to dislike someone and internalizing “I can be civil to this person or neutral about this thing other people like, and avoid them/block the tag for whatever reason I want”, is one of the healthiest things for a person to do.

[trashcanknight]

Independent RP for Argenti of HoYoverses's Honkai: Star Rail. Multiverse, multiship, mutuals-only. Written by Mysty. 33, EST, she/her or they/them.

Rules:

Argenti is definitely older than of-age. I’m comfortable with RPing NSFW things like sex, and anything too graphic will be under a read-more and tagged as “nsfw ///”.

I’m mutuals-only, which means all starter calls and IC memes are only for people I’m following back. It might take me a few days to follow someone back if I am busy with other things or Tumblr doesn’t notify me, so if you just followed me, you’re welcome to send something. But if I don’t answer it or follow back, that does mean I’m not interested. Non-mutuals trying to interact with me repeatedly will be blocked.

I’m open to other fandoms and OCs. If I don’t already know the mun of the OC, I would like at least a basic about page so I know what I’m getting into.

I generally won’t follow if I find the person’s writing is consistently full of grammar/spelling/word choice/tense errors.  I swear I’m not being a snob, but I have a hard enough time processing things in the first place sometimes, and I’ve found having to take the extra effort to parse what someone with a lot of errors is saying just sucks the fun out of writing with them.

I generally keep anon on for my ask box, but I will turn it off if I feel it’s being abused.

I’m mobile a lot. I work forty hours a week and only have a desktop for a computer, so often I’ll be replying to things on my phone while I’m out and about or I won’t feel like sitting at my desk so you’ll get me on my iPad. This means I won’t be able to cut posts. I’ll always label posts as “mobile” when I am mobile.

I keep drama off my blog. If you’d like to talk to me about something, you can do so in private via Tumblr IMs or if you have my Discord. But I will not talk about drama, vague post, or reblog call-outs for any reason. If I see someone is doing this a lot, I won’t follow or might unfollow.

I’m up for shipping! Feel free to ask me about it.

That said, if I find you tend to just ship with every version of Argenti you come across, I’m probably going to say no or you’ll be low on my priority list. I’m not really comfortable feeling like I’m some sort of collectible when I’ve put so much thought and effort into his development.

My Discord is available to mutuals.

[heybatterbats]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

Thank you so much! Wow, my first ask!! 😁😁😁

1. Fandom makes me happy! I’m already loving running a fandom blog, it’s so much fun! I spent the first day sending slightly panicked asks to the biggest blogs I could think of, asking how the heck do I do this. I spent the second day following every blog I could find. My dashboard is hopping with content now, and I love it so much!

2. The Batfamily makes me happy! I do write for other fandoms, sometimes- I have an X-men/Avengers fic I’m working on. But the Batfamily, and DC in general, just took hold of my heart. I love the characters and all the dynamics you can play with. I love that it ranges from soft, goofy slice-of-life to dark, edgy pieces that kick you in the teeth and make you think, to everything in between. I love this fandom!

3. Writing makes me happy! I’ve already posted two out of thirteen parts to my 2023 spooky fic, and I’m having a ball! I have so much fun writing my various stories, playing around with my word choices, style choices, tenses and POVs…and seeing everyone’s reactions is probably my favorite part. I had someone on my darkest fic tell me that the new chapter made them want to gouge their eyes out with a spoon, and that’s one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received!

4. Performing makes me happy! I’m an actor/dancer- I’m currently in rehearsals for The Nutcracker and a short play with my college. I’m in love with the stage and hope to make it a career one day! I dance every day right now, and act once a week, and it’s so much fun seeing all my studio/theater friends so often. And I love making the audience laugh! One of my Nutcracker roles- lead Polichinelle- is a comic one, I get to mess up the whole scene on purpose and then finish with a big slide into a pose like I’m just so proud of myself for getting absolutely everything wrong. I just love it, and I know the audience is going to be laughing their heads off when we perform it, and I’m going to be the happiest I’ve ever been!

5. My cat makes me happy! I have a cat called Marmalade- he’s big, orange, fluffy, and dumb as a box of rocks. He likes to bite my knees. He ripped a hole in my last pair of ballet tights because he climbed up my leg for treats. He crashes into stationary objects regularly. He thinks he can kill the water in my sink. He wants to eat whatever I’m eating no matter what it is. He farts a lot. He screams in the wee hours of the morning. He’s my baby and I love him to bits.

Uhhh…well, only one person has reblogged from me as of right now, so I guess I’ll just do them and add the other nine as it happens?😅 Thanks so much for this, I had a lot of fun with it!

[corruptedsilence]

Anonymous asked: I am sorry, I followed to rp with you but you seem to not want to follow me and so I have chosen to terminate my follow of you so that we can both go about our separate ways and live our lives to the fullest. May you live in peace and harmony I hope you have cheap gas and have a good job and have a loving family one day or a life alone if that is what you would prefer. I also hope you have health insurance and a nice car and a reason to feel good about living in a world that sometimes only ever seems like it wants to take away from us all. I hope I have not hurt your feelings by unfollowing you, I do not want to hurt your feelings but it is just really awkward for me personally to be following someone who does not follow me for various reasons. I thought long and hard about this decision and I feel it would be best. Again, I mean no disrespect and I hope you are not angry with me. Goodbye.

Dude............... I don’t even know who you are. Do you know how many followers I have? I have like 172. Some are other RP blogs, some are personal blogs. I do not follow every single person who follows me. I keep my dash clean and clear and as safe as possible for me.

If your blog is a personal blog, I will not RP with you, I don’t RP with personal blogs, so if you don’t make a distinction of your blog then yeah, I’m not going to follow you. I have every right to say no, to following someone. You are not entitled for me to follow you, I owe you literally nothing as a stranger on the internet.

I find it really funny that you phrase this like “we’ll go out separate ways” as if we were ever going the same way? My dude, I don’t know you, I’m not hurt by this and frankly if you had left I probably would never have noticed much of a difference. I’m sorry that it’s the truth, if you never reached out, never spoke to me, or send an ask, I will not know much of a difference if you unfollow me especially if I was never following you.

For 2) I am not mutually exclusive. I understand people who are, and I respect that, but I will RP with non-mutuals. IT might be a lil hard since I dont see you all the time and notifications are weird but I’ll happily RP with people im not mutuals with because my dash I want to keep safe, but sometimes people have a right to post things I don’t want to see, and that doesn’t make them bad, I just dont want it on my dash but that, to me, doesnt mean I want to cut all ties.

I understand it’s awkward for you but you legit are just making everything worse by sending me this ask. You could have just left without a peep and it would be fine, but making this ask, is guilt tripping. You are trying, whether you mean to or not, by your words to make me feel bad because I have boundaries and didn’t want to follow you. You’re phrasing things in such a way that you want me to feel bad and be upset and sad because I have and enforce boundaries. Well I’m not, and TBH I’m laughing at this more than anything to think someone is entitled to my time and will try to make me feel bad when you made little to no effort to even speak to me let alone make yourself known to me.

With all due respect, this is extremely disrespectful. You putting this big goodbye letter *on anon mind you* so I dont even know who you are, cuz I could have kept it private otherwise but ya know, that’s gone, but you put this here like it’s supposed to mean something when; I don’t know you.

Sorry dude, I’m not going to feel bad if that was your goal or whatever this was trying to accomplish because this, if anything, just makes me want to never interact with you ever, period.

[anonymousdandelion]

I posted 1,741 times in 2022

That's 1,502 more posts than 2021!

236 posts created (14%)

1,505 posts reblogged (86%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@kedreeva

@anonymousdandelion

@fanishjuli

@ngkiscool

@small-cog

I tagged 1,740 of my posts in 2022

#good omens - 643 posts

#aziraphale and crowley - 417 posts

#jumblr - 322 posts

#good omens fanfiction - 264 posts

#judaism - 247 posts

#good omens fanart - 235 posts

#fanfiction - 233 posts

#fanart - 232 posts

#dandelion fics - 168 posts

#dandelion says - 142 posts

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#(in contrast to the potential-but-not-yet-realized life of a fetus which is still highly valued but not on the same level as a person)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

You know, I spend so much energy this time of year pushing back against so many misconceptions about Chanukah, I think sometimes I do it a disservice.

Because yes, it's a relatively minor Jewish holiday... but it is deeply important, and I love it.

Yes, many people misunderstand it. But the Chanukah story is a story of hope, of courage, of war, of miracles, of persistence, of faith, of dedication, and of surviving against all the odds.

Yes, gift-giving has nothing to do with Chanukah traditionally... but it is traditional to give children coins to help pay for their education, and I think that says something beautiful about the value we place on learning and on future generations.

Yes, corporations heard about Chanukah and totally misunderstood it in their attempts to commercialize it... but we have absolutely delightful games and songs and foods that are a joy to share with family and with a community.

Yes, Chanukah is constantly beset by the forces of assimilation... but it is a holiday about holding to our identity and resisting assimilation at any cost, and the fact that we are still celebrating it today is proof that we have succeeded at this for thousands of years.

Yes, it is not a holiday primarily focused on peace and love in the way some people may think it is, but I sure do feel great peace and love when I dance with my family and and see the flames in the oil cups dancing along beside the window.

Chag sameach.

Yes, I really do love Chanukah.

656 notes - Posted December 25, 2022

#4

Self-Care Game

So I had a fun, random game idea. Making people practice self-care by reblogging posts is all well and good, but! What if we took it a step further?

Very simple rules to this game:

Everyone who reblogs this post is required to do one thing to care for yourself — something big, something small, whatever works for you.

Every time someone reblogs this post from you, you are also required to do one self-care thing.

Feel free to reblog as many times as you want, from as many people as you want, to make each of them do self-care. You still have to do your part each time, though.

It’s your big chance to make your mutuals, followers, and followees take care of themselves… all with one post. The only catch is that, in order to participate, you have to follow the rules and care for yourself as well. :D

Reblog if you’re up for it. I’ll play too. Wouldn’t be fair otherwise.

(Feel free to share what you’re doing for self-care in the tags or comments if you want to hold yourself accountable or inspire other people. You can also keep it private if you prefer. Honor system.)

759 notes - Posted November 14, 2022

#3

One of the fun things about Judaism is that I can look up a basic question like “What is the reason for this custom?” and find, not just a bunch of different explanations in different articles by different people, but a bunch of different explanations in the same article by the same person.

People say we’re a religion of questioning, and, yeah, that’s true. But part and parcel with questioning, we are also a religion of answering. It’s just that we don’t see the need to limit ourselves to only one answer.

Move aside, “two Jews = three opinions,” and make way for “one Jew = seven opinions.”

996 notes - Posted June 3, 2022

#2

Judaism and Life

I’m thinking about one of the rallying cries of the Jewish people. Our slogan, if you will. We speak it, we shout it, we sing it: עם ישראל חי. Am Yisrael chai. The people of Israel live.

It says a lot, I think, that this of all phrases is among our defining anthems. Out of all the possibilities, this is our motto, our catchphrase, our affirmation: a simple, defiant declaration of our own continued existence against the odds.

I’m also thinking of our traditional exclamation of celebration. The classic, quintessential, go-to Jewish toast, so characteristic as to have reached popular culture through a Broadway musical: לחיים. L’chaim. To life.

One of our primary “good luck” symbols, found on medallions and amulets: the single word, חי. Chai. Life. Our “lucky number” is 18, the number with the gematria value of life. We give momentary gifts and make donations in multiples of 18: giving chai, giving life.

It’s pretty straightforward, really. We just want to live. As people, as Jews, as a community.

I’m thinking about how many ways our culture and traditions repeatedly highlight the centrality of life — both the preservation of individual lives, and the continuation of our collective life. Thinking how terrifyingly often both categories of life fall under threat. And how we still keep going.

מיר וועלן זיי איבערלעבן. Mir veln zey iberlebn. We will outlive them, sung in a field with soldiers and no escape, worst come to worst but singing out defiance anyway.

... and they didn’t survive, those singers, physically they did not outlive their attackers, and too many others didn’t either. But they were still right: we, we as a collective, we did outlive. Barely, and with indescribable and lasting loss... but we did. We’re still here. Existent. Alive. Affirming that and hanging on for dear life, as individual people and as a people.

Am Yisrael chai. Mir veln zey iberlebn. L’chaim.

1,060 notes - Posted January 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Occurs to me that Christian cultural hegemony can be pretty well encapsulated by the fact that it is normal for people to say "Happy Chanukah to those who celebrate," and it is normal for many of those same people to say, "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

3,725 notes - Posted December 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[coffee-at-annies]

Excellent essay about what it means to be required to perform social media for jobs and why it can be exhausting.

A couple quotes stood out to me (and I’m quoting them below) as someone who struggles with wanting to participate in fandom whole-heartedly and also feeling like I have to participate in specific ways or I’m doing it wrong.

“I, on the other hand, have never desired a life lived out loud. I wish to put my energies into spaces that reward the quieter contemplations I find comfort in.”

I’m not gonna lie, it’s nice to see number go up on posts and notifications in my activity tab. It can feel disheartening when number doesn’t go up and I put effort into something. It’s hard to be loud and to do it constantly.

Idk there’s an evil little voice in the back of my head that says if I was just doing xyz better I’d have more followers. It’s evil because while I like interacting on tumblr I don’t have it in me to shout or post in the way that gets hundreds of thousands of followers. I’m happy with a quiet group of mutuals and chatting with whoever is online during game days like we’re hanging out at the same sports bar. I struggle sometimes with wanting to be big when really I’m much happier being small. This isn’t even for a job like the article, it’s just for me, and I still have that voice saying you should do more.

…”another of “performed” online interactions, where I must sift through the messiness of my not-so-great-for-the-interwebs feelings, thoughts and behaviors, in favour of something re-constructed, wiped down, pristine. “Succeeding” on a social platform (i.e. mapping onto their growth pathways) requires a steady stream of performance: whether that is goofing off in a short video, shooting off pithy or incendiary missives, or offering a treadmill of How-Tos in exchange for coronation of various titles—professional, scholar, activist. Whether this self we present is a curated version of our IRL selves or a completely made up one is moot. The game is performance.”

This right here hits at the root of some of my messy feelings about blogging. It’s all a performance. That’s not bad since all self is a performance anyway. The question is who am I performing for and am I happy about it? I struggle sometimes with the guilt I feel if I’m not performing; if my queue runs out; if I skip a game; if I’m not here participating in the group sad. I take a lot of my negative feelings offline and go quiet for a reason. That feeling of needing to perform, especially after bad games, makes the bad feelings linger and doesn’t improve my life. The need to be creating content constantly can be stressful. Letting my blog go quiet is self care.

One of my boundaries is I don’t owe my followers my feelings and if I don’t want to blog about it I simply don’t. Of course sometimes people get testy if you’re not talking about the issue of the week. (Sometimes that person is my own guilt complex because brains suck). Idk. There’s parts of me that feel like I owe the performance. That if I’m not creating or reblogging content then why am I on here? That by following me, my followers are obliged to get some sort of behind the curtain inner thought process or I’m required to comment on every little scandal or tragedy that comes out of fandom or the news or whatever. That’s exhausting. It’s so exhausting.

Idk. Getting a little bit personal and a little bit venty but it feels like fandom has a “you must be this active or creative to get noticed” goalpost and I’ve never felt like I could hit it. Even when I felt like it was in reach it’s always been further away than I think it is. The older I get and the longer I’m in fandom(s), the more it feels like something that’s not worth trying for. I’ll keep my 10 notes and getting yelled at (positive) by 5 mutuals cause “ouch how could you” and I’ll leave the performance to someone else.

Worth a read.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

AWWW the feeling’s mutual!! Tumblr wavelength besties fr!! Also I think ive mentioned this before but my acc is so barren so even if you followed me you’d be getting a load of nothing LMFAOO contemplating if I should just straight up revamp the account and actually use it for something besides reading and talking via asks but I’m kinda lazy LOL

And FR!!! I just try to stay away from the fandoms and whatever LMAO although I’ll admit I usually see some AITA posts reposted on insta or TikTok and they’re sometimes really entertaining HAHAHA

I’m ngl I think I’m probably also the main perpetrator of the Karasu req feed LMAOOO but definitely!! I think once people see that you actually even KNOW of Karasu they usually assume you’re probably familiar with the other side characters too like eitaken hiori kaiser etc.

I just saw the color page and ego lowk cooking?? I laughed so hard though I saw one post of it and someone commented “who are these nobodies??” And op replied “THE COACHES” LMFAOOOOOOO

It’s actually insane I think we’re just a wonder of the universe between liking the same people and having manifestation powers atp…..but YESS YONA OF THE DAWN>>>> I actually loved it sm that I went and read the manga imagine my disappointment when I found out it was MONTHLY I mean no wonder why the art quality was so good but I kept losing track of when it actually came out shshshshsj no because fandom is DEAD like where’s everyone at???? Honestly yeah considering how well the manga typically does im surprised they haven’t taken the opportunity to capitalize off of it and continue animating it???? What a shame smh

LMAOOO it’s funny because I also had bllk recommended to me by a friend and at first it was really casual but then they were like you should go read so I said ok (little did I know I’d fall down the rabbit hole….tbf I should’ve seen it coming because the same friend told me to read the jjk and demon slayer manga and once I read the manga there’s no going back LMAOO)

You’ll always be the OG Karasu nation ceo and founder!! Truly no one else doing it like you do!!! Actually I’m kinda worried about his fanon version because from what I’ve seen people already throw him into the same boat as kuroo from hq and according to what I’ve seen the mischaracterization is WILD it’s like your typical fboy shithead and I’m like oh…..so yeah I can imagine it’d be something along the lines of that LMAOO and just imagine when his questionable lines get animated oh boy

Wait that’s so funny I would never have the balls to comment on a dudebro’s post LMAOO what did he say???? I’m crying at the Barou fan categorization SO TRUE THOUGH like no um I’m not talking about muscle man gym rat bench press Barou…..

LMFAOAOA STOP THE TONGUE I CANT BUT FR kaneshiro better watch out we’re coming for his job….

THE FACT THAT THE MOM CAME THJNKING IT WAS A DATE???? BRO…….omg wait that’s kind a crazy scenario though you liking his best friend but his mom still tries to set you guys up that’s wild……LMAO the parent excuse is so real though but omg that’s a struggle fr…..um I’m assuming your dinner plans are cancelled now though HAHA

-Karasu anon

HAHAHA that’s so real though omg finding a niche to use your tumblr blog for can be so difficult…for a while i just used this acct to answer asks abt my fics so i literally had like. 20 followers or smth for the LONGEST time!! it wasn’t until i started posting my writing on here that i began to use the app more and get more followers as a result 😩 if you ever do decide to revamp/do smth with your blog lmk i will jump in line to follow and reblog everything you post 🫡

reddit aita posts with minecraft parkour in the background ARE my guilty pleasure LMAOAAO i let the tiktokers/instagrammers sift through and bring me only the best of the reddit posts for my viewing pleasure so i don’t have to go through all of the shitty ones

PLSSS you started a movement fr!! although it’s funny actually your request for fwtkac was actually sent within fifteen minutes of the request for white butterfly…like no joke i stepped out of the shower (why is this the second shower mention i have made today) and was like “oh two new requests…A KARASU REQUEST 😱🤩😏⁉️” so that’s kind of funny LMAO i forget which one came first ngl i’m p sure it was the hiori one but i ended up answering you first because i reallyyyyy wanted to write for karasu and i figured the time difference wasn’t enough that it would matter who i answered first 😭 so yeah that’s a really random coincidence maybe it’s because i wrote for kaiser?? but ngl he’s pretty popular too…maybe it’s because i don’t have a character list that i’ll write for because i know a lot of my mutuals who take requests only do so for certain characters meanwhile over here it’s a free for all as long as i’m into the fandom

HELP MEEE HOW DOES ONE NOT KNOW THE COACHES 😭😭😭 ego lowkey slaying…he heard we were considering writing a fic for him and had to lock in rq 😩

we are a literal glitch in the matrix…once in a lifetime matchup fr!! but YESSS omg i never got around to reading the manga unfortunately but the show was sooo good and i just love yona as a fmc (plus shinah is the most majestic gorgeous amazing man)!! I ALWAYS WISH THEY WOULD ANIMATE IT MORE hoping for a fruits basket style return for it (not that i’ve watched fruba but i feel like everyone knows abt its random comeback HAHA) okay wait side note idk if you saw my response to that one ask but why does zantetsu look EXACTLY LIKE HAK??? HELLO??? i need itoshi bros simps to hop on zantetsu yukimiya and karasu IMMEDIATELY they are the true romance novel/anime/drama male leads of bllk forget abt rinnie!!

NOOO FREE KARASU FROM THE FBOY RED FLAG ALLEGATIONS honestly he could pull it off better than itoshi bros certain characters but come onnnm otoya and aiku are right there meanwhile karasu still remembers his crush from when he was 8 😓 leave my baby alone…i’m going to have to work overtime to clear his name (honestly though i am expecting it to happen because if fandom can make SEISHIRO NAGI of all characters into a cheater than they can do anything)

HAHAH omg pls dudebros are so funny they talk such a big game but 99% of them are simps tbh when a girl tells them to shut up they do 😭 whenever i’m feeling mischievous i comment silly things on their posts and they respond w like laughing emojis or wtvr instead of going off on me in the comments as they would normally 😪 idk if it’s because my tik tok pfp is an actual picture of me instead of a character or smth so they feel embarrassed to be mean or rude?? regardless it makes me laugh they truly are just a bunch of losers who have too much free time and are stuck in this toxic dudebro community so whenever someone from outside of their perceived circle acknowledges them online they are factory reset

LMAOOO MY POOR PARENTS ARE ALWAYS MY SCAPEGOATS meanwhile they don’t even care what i do as long as i’m safe 😭 that whole situation was wild the dude tricked me into going on a date w him by saying his whole family would be there (i kind of knew his younger sister so i figured it wouldn’t be too awk if everyone was there) and then i showed up and there was literally no one but his mother who then also left??? UM?? it was literally terrifying and YESS his best friend is the only guy i’ve ever genuinely liked but there was a whole mess over there (he had a gf the whole time we were talking and she hated me but i didn’t know she existed??) and this dude knew all abt it and how broken up i was over the whole situation and STILL said “right let me just slide in rq” 😔😔😔 i had the last laugh though because after pretending to have a boyfriend and hiding in the bathroom so he could cry to himself (i saw the tears welling up and i knew i had to give him a minute) i drove home and my family flew to spain the next day!! thankfully i did end up getting out of tn’s dinner plans but ironically we are now flying to switzerland in like a day or so…ig it’s a pattern?? anyways that’s the mira lore drop of the day FHSKDJSK i have so many crazy stories like that i think i just have a general aura of unintentional rizz around me or smth

[astrangerthatcares]

Hey Stranger.

Firstly, I wanna say I appreciate you doing this. I found your blog through the self harm tips post. Though I don’t personally SH, I have people who do and I got to send it to one of them. You’ve already helped people, and I know you’re bound to help countless others.

I apologize if this post is jumbled, or if this a seemingly small problem, but I need a fresh perspective here. This is going to be a long post because it requires a lot of context.

I am a high schooler going into junior year. Early on in freshman year, I met a dear friend that we will call Cyan for now. Cyan and I hit it off instantly, and we very clearly had feelings for each other. We eventually discussed it. Cyan revealed to me that they were trans ( fem to masc, haven’t started physical transition yet ). As I am straight, this was a bit of dealbreaker for me. I am still very close with him, and I support him in everything. He is one of my best friends.

Near the end of the year, I met and hit it off with a different girl who I’ll call Lime. We got together far too quickly ( about three days of knowing each other ) and the relationship quickly fell apart over summer.

I took almost all of sophomore year off of dating because of this. Not wanting a repeat of the incident, when I became interested in someone, I took more time to know them. This saved me a good few shitty relationships. Around the time of prom, I met a girl I’ll call Maroon. Due to some mutual needs, we talked a bit, and after about a month of being friends got together.

I am currently dating Maroon, it has been my longest relationship so far.

The problem is, I don’t know if I’m happy in this relationship: nor if we are the right people for each other. We have incredibly conflicting schedules ( she’s an early bird, I’m a night owl. ) When we text, it’s dull and formulaic. Sometimes we go for a good while saying barley anything except for “ good morning “

The biggest issue, however, is that we do not share any of our problems with each other. She lives in a somewhat abusive household, and acts like events of physical abuse are “ just another silly moment “ in her house. I believe her parents read her texts, and due to our schedule conflict, I also find it hard to be open with her about problems. This is a noticeable problem for me, as I believe openness is an incredibly important part of relationships. Finally, she isint the biggest supporter. I write, and reading the stuff I write means a lot to me. It’s not some expectation of “ you have to like my stuff “ and all that shit, it’s moreso I wish she would read a chapter or two, or even ask about it ever. I try to bring it up, but she shows no interest in it.

I also think about Cyan a lot, but not him exactly. Moreso, I put the idea of the perfect person onto him. It hurts me a lot, and I feel like I’m betraying Maroon every time I have one of these thoughts. And I feel bad about holding down do that attraction towards Cyan. Sometimes I wish it would just go back to before I knew, and that some idealized version of a person would pop into my life.

It’s been eating away at me. I don’t want to be like Lime, and try to break it off for reasons that are probably fixable. That hurt me badly, and I only recently fully processed that. I was very petty toward her behind her back, an act which I regret and have tried in some ways to amend.

I’m sorry, I know that was a lot, and it’s incredibly jumbled. All I ask is, what do you think I should do here? I need a perspective from someone who doesn’t know me, and you are willing to listen ( which I greatly appreciate. )

If you see this, thank you

- A stranger with a conflicted heart

Hi!

First of all, thanks for the first paragraph, I'm happy people do like this and find it useful.

Now, with your problem. Every problem needs to be solved and I am glad you decided to ask me. I understand your situation a little bit because I have been in some similar problems. A very important thing to do in your situation is understand the different types of attraction. To make it shorter, I'll just put the two important ones for this story- platonic and romantic. With what I know it seems like you could be romantically attracted to both Maroon and Cyan. But remember, I'm not you, you are the only one that can decide how you difference and feel romantic and platonic attraction.

For the communication problem, I have a few ideas. As a person who grew up in an abusive household, it can be hard to realize the problem. It might not apply to Maroon, but until I was 14 I didn't realize getting hit by your parents and emotionally abused wasn't normal. And even now-a-days, I don't talk about it. Not with the people I know in person, at least. To me, it's like something I mustn't talk about. For some people who have been abused by their parents or other family members, it's hard to recognice the abuse. It can take years to understand that having your parents yelling at you that "You're just f*cking stupid and a useless waste of money" is abuse. Try to get more informated and be soft and understanding but don't take it personal if she refuses to talk. Honestly, my partner just knows I was hit but my parents but we never talk about it. Maybe, someday, Maroon decides to tell you. But you can also send her some text along the lines of- "I'm here for everything" and tell her what you think about openness being needed. If she knows, you might be able to communicate more.

After all, it's up to you. I hope this helped, and if you can and want to, send me some kind of update to know how it's going and what you did.

-Stranger

[nerfedbytheuniverse]

Posting here because some school friends or mutual friends thereof follow my main blog.

I desperately want to remember who I was before I was this scared of everything and everyone.

I don’t know how long ago that would even be. When did I get so closed-off and withdrawn? Was it my amino buddies, the first time around? Maybe the second?

We’re not even going to talk about HER (my abuser) because I know *she* fucked me up, but I can’t pretend that was the whole reason. I recall being able to make friends between 2013 and 2018, even if I was weird and anxious. I was still a people-pleaser and socially anxious to a degree, but there are currently people in my life that I trust enough to walk around school with alone or leave my backpack and other belongings with. It scares me a little, but I can do it.

So what’s the problem? Why am I still struggling so hard?

I’m going to come right out and say that I lowkey have a school bestie, because even though all of those school friends are besties, this particular one is just Special. As I say when I want the lowest commitment answer ever, “the vibes are good”.

In reality, I know it has a little to do with the fact that, however informal and small, he did technically have an authority position in the setting we met in. And I know that he’s kind, compassionate, helpful, and wise.

But he’s still a twenty-something year old guy who tells video game npcs to “kys” and makes sex jokes sometimes in ways that guys just kinda do. Not to gender that experience but it’s just. Idk familiar maybe??

To get to the point, I trusted him enough to tell my mom in January, after having emailed him in april and met him irl in september (so not knowing him for long by my standards] “so on Friday between [penultimate thing] and [last thing I had on campus] I’ll be hanging out with [friend]” and that was it. That was all the protection I thought I needed. And you know what happened? We walked around and talked about random shit for 2 hours!

Nothing bad happened. And that’s a big sign of trust for me, to just walk around with someone I don’t know that well. So I trust him enough for that. I trust him in general. But I do not trust him to tell me if I’m being a problem, and I don’t trust him enough to believe him when he says something I do is fine.

I don’t trust it. Not because of him, but because so many people have claimed the same and didn’t follow through until they were ready to be hurtful or explosive. On a rational level, I believe him, but there’s still so much anxiety and worry

He’s not the only one, but we’ve had several small online hangouts this week, so he’s the one freshest in my mind. I’m still doubting the strength, quality, and even the nature of our friendship, because “what’s the catch, there has to be one”.

Or take another school friend. She’s the president of a school org and I’m the vice president under her. I see her once a week usually and sometimes I text her. I want to talk to her more but I don’t know what to talk about. So I ramble for the entire hangout and she chimes in and the conversation goes where it goes and I love it but it leaves me with more questions than answers.

I remember when I used to actually ask the questions instead of just thinking them.

I have yet another who is an out of state student, and much like the School Bestie in scenario A, that means we don’t see each other irl right now. I’ve gotten slow to respond lately because I noticed I reply with the same few phrases all the time. Because I’m still masking and hiding who I am, wrapping myself in this concept of social acceptability which is not even good, it literally never worked for me. So I dilute my opinions and ideas more often than not.

There are even more stories, but I’m paranoid of any of them finding this because they’d so figure out its me.

Point being that I had all these ideas of how I’m supposed to interact to be safe and not get hurt. Mainly because with one supposed “friend”, it wasn’t just emotional hurt. And I dialed back the parts I thought were weird. Hid the parts that were overly honest or blunt, the parts that were mushy and sappy, the part that joked and laughed and smiled all the time. And now I can’t get it back. It lives in my head 24/7 but then my anxiety kicks in and filters it in the silliest of ways.

so I can’t just say things like “thanks for talking with me, I really appreciate your company and I think you’re really cool”, at least not all at once. It comes in short bursts of courage.

There’s so much anxiety because it’s like

What if it’s weird

What if I’m too much

What if they take it the wrong way and think I’m flirting with/crushing on them

What if they assume I’m sucking up

What if they’re not trustworthy and I just basically showed that I’m already attached, and therefore exploitable

What if I make things awkward

What if they think I’m compliment fishing

When does this become oversharing

And probably other things I’m forgetting. The point is that I wonder a lot lately about who I was before I was scared. I want to get back to being that loving, mushy, overly happy person who just loved everyone so much.

I mean, when I was like 9 I had a friend and I made up a little song about how cool she was and she was fine with it but her mom wasn’t for some reason.

But I need that energy back because here’s the thing: I’ve already learned that these friends like honest answers, or at least to be asked, “honest answer or pretty answer?”

And that has helped me to sugarcoat and tiptoe a little less.

But I just can’t get the hang of throwing out the filter. So instead of pointing out a friend’s strengths or good qualities or something like that in a situation where it’s relevant, I just go “hehe, nice” or something like that.

I’m always editing or silencing myself and I know it’s the fear that things won’t work out and I’ll get hurt again.

My intuition tells me it’s fine and I have time with these ones before anything goes seriously wrong, but even with that, even trusting the signs I see, I can’t seem to fix it. I can’t seem to be myself.

Sometimes, I think I don’t know who myself is.