#or just stay in my personal and keep it at home anyway
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Buck volunteers for the Thanksgiving shift. When Maddie asks, he apologizes, saying, "I don't really feel festive right now. But keep some leftovers for me?"
On the day, firehouses around the country all have similar calls to deal with: kitchen grease fires from frying turkeys, sprains in backyard games of football, people injuring one another because "did you hear what she said about our Emma/Francis/Kailey?". Buck is kept too busy to think, and it's nice having the time to catch up with Ravi, who's thinking of going to school to study law.
Their brothers and sisters in uniform also drop off dishes at the station, so between calls, they get pretty good food. Captain Graham gives them an hour offline after four consecutive calls. Buck collapses into a chair and serves himself pasta salad and a delicious honey baked ham, while his dinner rolls warm up in the oven.
He's scrolling through his phone, diligently avoiding the messaging apps, when a message preview pops up.
Tommy.
Buck almost drops his fork. He scrambles away from the dinner table, even though no one on C shift will try to take his phone from him, and finds a spot in the stairwell to read it.
Tommy: hope you have a good & safe Thanksgiving
As he's reading, another bubble appears and Buck's heart skips several beats, but this time it doesn't disappear. A second message arrives, followed by a third.
Tommy: don't know why I texted that
Tommy: guess I just wanted to say something to you
Tommy: you don't have to reply
Tommy: anyway. Happy holidays
Buck feels a slight loosening of the vice around his heart that has been there since that night. With a smile on his face, he types, deletes, types again.
Buck: happy Thanksgiving to you too
Buck: how many kitchen grease fires you got this year? We had 3
Tommy: you're working today?
Tommy: 4, but one of it was in the backyard
They're having a conversation. They're having an actual casual conversation, as easy as they used to on calmer shifts. Buck wants to cry. But he has to answer Tommy's question or have this conversation end too soon. Thinking about his options, he decides that he has nothing to lose anyway.
Buck: I didn't wanna sit around and smile and pretend I'm thankful for everything
Buck: it's better to keep busy
Tommy: I know that feeling
Tommy: I'm sorry
Buck: I'm sorry too
Buck: I wish we could've celebrated together
Buck: I would've said that I'm thankful for you
Tommy: I would have said that too
Tommy: I'm still thankful for you jsyk. I'll always be grateful to have got to know you
Does Tommy think he can't stay in Buck's life just because they broke up?
Buck: I don't think you know me well enough
Tommy: sorry
Buck wishes he'd run after Tommy that night, or done something since to show that he wants Tommy. Well, here's your chance, his brain reminds him. Do something.
He takes a deep breath. Then he types.
Buck: I want to meet. If I come over after Thanksgiving shift, will you please be home?
Tommy: is that a good idea
Buck: idk. But I can't stop thinking about you, and I miss you, and I wanna know what I did wrong. I wanna meet.
Tommy: I miss you too. You didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't want to... Idk. I didn't want to get my hopes up too much.
Buck: we need to talk in person. Texting is not good enough.
It isn't. He needs to see Tommy again. Tommy with his storm blue eyes and tender smile and broad shoulders and soft clothes. Tommy whose crinkly smile drives Buck a little (a lot) insane. Tommy whose lips he now knows the shape of by touch alone, whose body he has mapped out in detail, who knows how it feels to be inside Buck in the most intimate of ways.
He waits for a response. Hopes there will be one. It comes several minutes after, like Tommy had to really think about it.
Tommy: maybe not immediately after Thanksgiving shift
Tommy: are you off on Monday
The relief that crashes into Buck feels almost as overwhelming as the tsunami he was caught in years ago.
Buck: yes
Buck: your place this time
Buck: I'll bring cake
Tommy: you don't have to bribe me to open the door
Buck: no I just baked too much stuff is all. I'll explain when we meet
Buck: I'm really thankful you texted
Tommy: I'm thankful you replied
Tommy: have a good rest of the shift, Evan
It's Evan again. Buck can't hide his smile at all. Tucking his phone into his pocket, he goes back to dinner. Monday can't be here fast enough.
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not what we wanted - LN4 x Reader
Summary: You haven’t felt this kind of ache in years. As memories of your relationship with Lando resurface, the lines between love and loss blur, leaving you grasping at the emotions you thought you’d buried. With every lyric you write, you’re pulled deeper into the bittersweet realization of what was—and what will never be.
Based on "the apartment we won't share by NIKI"
Themes/Warnings: angst (ofc), commitment issues??, no comfort, singer!reader, daddy and mommy issues (lando prolly doesn't have daddy issues but let's pretend pls) (Please let me know if I missed anything)
Word count: 1.1k
Author's note: Hello!! im so proud of this one i really hope everyone likes it. Please let me know what you think! Also if you want to suggest new drivers, characters, or new genres Ill try to make one for them, even though i only write once every two months HAHAH please feel free to ask <3 Anyways hope you enjoy!
The candle flickered on the desk as you stared at the half-filled notebook in front of you. The melody played faintly in the background, guiding the flow of your pen. Words scratched their way onto the paper, raw and unfiltered, each line peeling back the layers of a love that once felt indestructible. A love that belonged to you and Lando.
Two years ago, you had walked away from the man who, for a time, had been your entire world. The memories came rushing in as you tried to put them into lyrics, their weight settling in your chest.
The apartment we won't share.
I wonder what sad wife lives there.
Have the windows deciphered her stares?
Do the bricks in the walls know to hide the affairs?
You remembered the day you went apartment viewing with Lando. It was a sunlit afternoon, and the air buzzed with excitement as the two of you dreamed about building a life together.
“This one’s perfect,” Lando had said, his voice echoing in the spacious open floor plan.
You weren’t alone at the viewing. A couple—a woman with tired eyes and her distracted husband—wandered the space, too. The wife’s stares lingered on the window, and the unspoken tension between them was palpable.
When you and Lando got home that evening, he joked, “I swear, if we ever get like that, just put me out of my misery.”
You laughed, nudging his side. “Deal. Though you’re too busy to turn into a grumpy husband anyway.”
The irony cut deeper now. You hadn’t seen it then, but that couple was a reflection of what you and Lando were becoming—two people holding on to a love they couldn’t maintain.
The dog we won’t have is now one I would not choose.
A flash of warmth filled your chest as you thought about the day you met Charles’ dachshund, Leo.
“Now this is a dog,” Lando had said, crouching down to let Leo excitedly sniff his hand. “When we get one, it’s gotta be just like him—small, but full of personality.”
You laughed, shaking your head. “You mean stubborn and impossible to train?”
“Exactly,” Lando replied, grinning as Leo flopped onto his back for belly rubs.
The idea of a dog—a small, tangible piece of the future you were trying to build—felt so easy back then. But now, even the thought of it was bittersweet.
The daughter we won’t raise still waits for you.
You wiped at your eyes, forcing yourself to stay present. The memory of late-night talks with Lando replayed like a broken record.
“I want a little girl someday,” he’d confessed once, his voice soft with vulnerability. “She’d be a daddy’s girl. Spoiled rotten.”
You had smiled, nodding along. You wanted to want the same thing, but deep down, you weren’t sure if you ever saw yourself as a mother. You had never told him that, though. Maybe you should have.
The girl I won’t be is the one that’s yours.
I hope you shortly find what you long for.
The breakup came rushing back, a scene you had replayed a thousand times in your head. It was late at night, and the exhaustion of trying to keep the relationship alive had worn you both thin.
“I can’t do this anymore,” you had said, your voice barely above a whisper.
Lando’s jaw clenched, but he didn’t argue. “I know.”
You wanted to be angry, to yell at him for not fighting harder. But deep down, you both knew the truth—you had drifted too far apart. You cupped his cheek, a sad smile on your lips. “I hope you find what you’re looking for, Lando.”
The filthy joke that won’t
Burrow in the corner of your
Smirking lips, I mourn it to this day.
A laugh escaped your lips as you thought about the gala. You could still see the way Lando leaned in, whispering a dirty joke in your ear that was so wildly inappropriate for the setting.
Your cheeks had burned, but you couldn’t bring yourself to scold him. Not when he looked at you with that stupid grin, his dimples on full display. You had never loved anyone more in that moment.
The story we won’t tell
Is my greatest fantasy.
The passion I won’t feel again
Isn’t lost on me.
You paused, letting the pen hover over the page. The weight of regret settled heavily on your shoulders. You had loved him deeply, even as the relationship unraveled. And now, the thought of never feeling that kind of love again terrified you.
The son you never wanted
Is the wound your father left.
And the mother I won’t be is
Probably for the best.
Your mind drifted back to one of your many late-night talks. Lando had opened up about his childhood, his compilcated relationship with his father. “I don’t think I’d know how to be a dad to a son,” he had admitted.
You hadn’t realized it then, but that fear had mirrored your own doubts about being a mother. Maybe that was why you had hesitated to dream too big about a family with him.
Your demons I won’t meet
Now someone else’s word to keep.
I’m sure she’s beautiful and sweet.
The song was nearly done when your phone buzzed on the desk. You picked it up, and the screen illuminated with a headline: Lando Norris and Fiancée Announce Engagement.
Your breath hitched, but you couldn’t look away. The woman in the photo was stunning, her smile radiant as she stood beside him. He looked happy—happier than you had seen him in years.
You closed the notebook, staring at the final line you had written:
Not what I wanted, but what we need.
The song was finished, but the story wasn’t just about you and Lando anymore. It was about letting go, about making peace with the love you had lost. You set the notebook aside, exhaling deeply.
Some endings weren’t tragic. They were just necessary.
#lando angst#lando norris angst#lando norris x reader#lando norris imagine#f1 fanfic#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#lando norris#lando x reader#lando imagine#ln4
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Dog Days Diary: Home and the Holidays. Self and Celebration
Hey everyone
Tomorrow, in America, kinda marks the start of the winter holidays, with thanksgiving, and the beggining of the Christmas season. I figured that for anyone still here I should give an update.
I’ve been very lacking with posting, I used to regularly post everyday, but as the world catches up to you, you sometimes have to slow down, but anyway, here’s some things that’s are happening
Tomorrow, for thanksgiving, my mom suggested we have all my trans friends who don’t have places to go over to ours for thanksgiving and homely vibes. We’re a bunch of queer weirdos and it gives me a reason to wear my ears around my extended family
I still havnt heard back from the place that was gonna do a psych evaluation on me. This is frustrating but not surprising.
My mom has warmed up to my being dog actually quite a bit, she doesn’t really react oddly when I get in my gear before leaving the house, and has been laughing at my brothers corny dog puns.
I had my first shift! It only lasted around ten minutes but I was playing and barking and bowing with my dog for a while, just chasing each other and roughhousing, it was honestly magical.
Im questioning whether im one person. This one needs some explaining and may get its own post, but a fragmented bit of myself has a number of distinct traits, when when im in the fragmented state, i like being called a different name? And I don’t feel like me, entirely, like im a different girl. I’ve mostly been calling her “The Other Girl” when talking to my friends and partner about all this. But she has a name I think she likes. It still feels weird to call her it, just as it feels weird to even suggest I’m plural at all. But whatever it is, me and my therapist are talking about it, and it seems my trauma hurt more than I thought. (If anyone has links or advice hmu I’m so fucking lost still)
I finally picked up the pen again, and finished a proper ref sheet for my fursona Bellsi! I’m really proud of myself for that one, it’s been a big win to start doing art again.
I know this has been a long ass slog of a post. But if you read it all
Hi, happy holidays if you celebrate. If youre able to express yourself around your family this holiday season, I’m so happy you found that confidence. If you can’t express yourself, it will come in time, I promise. Stay safe, warm, and full.
And keep your hearts and homes open, wonderful beasts
Run fast, bite hard, bark loud
Peace, love, and gratitude
-Zith Ipeth
#alterhuman#otherkin#therian#therian community#therianthropy#dog therian#otherkin positivity#alterhuman positivity#therian positivity#alterhumanity#plurality#god that’s a scary tag to put there. but fuck it#dog days diary
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It took me a while to stop crying and resolve to help people who will be targeted (starting 1/20/25). I am also trying to reconnect to even a scrap of joy, by tiptoeing back into writing. But...I keep analyzing my WIPs through the lens of how That Guy will be making half the country feel, wondering, "Is X funny enough? Is Y topic too serious?" Help?! Is it worth writing/querying anything that's not totally escapist? Are there genres that should just stay in a drawer right now?
No need to wait until January to help people! :-)
As to the writing piece: I think you are overthinking it. And hey, I get that! Half the country is still somewhat in "reeling mode", it hasn't even been a month, no need to make any huge decisions or change the course of your writing life or fret about queries that you aren't ready to send anyway right this second. Give yourself some grace. Do some deep breathing.
Nobody knows what the future will bring.
Hey, maybe people will want to read more than they ever have and publishing will thrive across all genres. Maybe there will be an unforeseen trend of books about cowboys in space or something that will make a genre flourish that we haven't ever even thought of before!
Or, maybe the tarriffs will eff publishing up so badly we won't need to worry about ANY genres anymore. Maybe he'll sell us all to Daddy Vladdy for a nickel or start Civil War II and we'll all have to become resistance fighters. (Or, maybe we'll get lucky and the meteor will come; that might be better, because I don't have much to offer in the way of actual resistance fighting unless the troops need children's books or cookies!)
But since none of those lines of thinking are particularly helpful or healthy, maybe let's not focus on speculating about all the random possible scenarios. It's too much! Your brain will break!
Here's what is within your purview: YOUR LITTLE CORNER OF THE WORLD. That includes your work, yes, but also your home, your family, your personal behavior and habits, your physical and mental health, and the well-being of your communities (both literal, like, the people who live near you, and figurative, the people near you or even across the country or the globe with whom you have shared values, etc)
I'm not an expert obvs, but I do feel like, when I stop "reeling" and thinking about whatever bizzaro outrage some politician is perpetrating and start thinking about what tangible things I can do to help support MY LITTLE CORNER OF THE WORLD, I feel a lot better. More useful.
(Like, how about instead of doomscrolling, I actually take that time and put my impotent rage to use pulling out the dying tomato plants and getting the yard ready for winter? How about instead of crying into my pillow, I gather a bunch of stuff to donate to a local charity? OH LOOK, I FORGOT ABOUT THE NEWS FOR A WHILE AND GOT THINGS DONE AND MADE MY CORNER OF THE WORLD BETTER! And now I'm tired and can take a nice shower and watch something silly on TV and go to sleep! Yay!)
What I'm saying is, AFTER you do the deep breathing and give yourself grace and all that stuff -- maybe DON'T think about your WIPS through the lens of "OMG what horror show is that freak in the white house doing" or "what will random terrible people think about what I'm doing" -- but rather, think, how do *I* feel about what I'm doing?
We have limited time on this earth -- do you WANT to spend your time on this? Will working on this bring you joy? Does the idea of writing it excite you? Will it reading it bring other people in your communities joy, or hope, or escapism, or important information, or inspiration, or *something else positive*? Those are the kinds of projects you should focus on, imo.
Obviously I have no clue what "Trends" will be coming up in the future, or what the publishing landscape or the world will look like at all -- but I DO SUSPECT that what we will need the most is books that bring something positive to the table. Whether that means a book full of pure delight/escapist entertainment, or reminders about what is beautiful in the world and special about humanity, or tools to help people enact change, or fuel for the next generation of rebels and resistance fighters, or whatever it is.
And, I think that "something positive" could come in the form of fiction, nonfiction, and pretty much ANY genre or category.
(Probably not a great time for extremely bleak / hopeless books, and certainly not a great time for books that you yourself are not passionate about. Writing and publishing is hard enough - don't do the projects that are a misery on top of all that!)
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hmmmmmm the pocket size isn’t as perfect as i kept imagining it to be 🙃 i have spent a month debating this decision and i’m disappointed to be disappointed
#x#idk maybe i’ll go back to field notes for a pocket notebook#or i could try passport size ? idk it’d fit in my pocket at least#or just stay in my personal and keep it at home anyway
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#so one half of the couple i'm house/dogsitting for had an unexpected medical emergency on their trip#which -- i won't go into details but it culminated in a pretty serious diagnosis and emergency major surgery#and now they're coming home today after getting medevac transport back to california#and have asked me to stay here for a few more days while they settle in#as the one who had the emergency needs 24/7 care during recovery but is being released from hospital to recover at home#and they need someone to basically keep looking after the dog/keep her from getting in the way while they figure out what care he needs#anyway i agreed to stay a few days like they asked#which means i'm trying to finish my coursework before they get back later this afternoon but man my focus levels are LOW#and honestly they have been for several days at this point because once again it seems that waiting to hear about medical stuff has become#somewhat of a panic response trigger for me since the extended nightmare of february this year with my dad#and mostly i've been able to compartmentalize but the energy that takes has truly wiped me out#to the point that i'm genuinely shocked it hasn't set off a fibro flare up (touch wood)#also i really don't know this couple very well at all -- they're mostly friends of my parents-in-law#i've looked after their dog for them several times over the past couple of years#but obviously that's been while they aren't home#and i've only had fairly brief interactions with them#so i do feel a bit awkward about being here while they're going through something so serious and personal#but they're nice people and they need the help and i'm able to provide it so i'm gonna push past that#anyway just a tag post venting thing
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I'm speaking as someone who had a really bad burnout a handful of years ago. You need to give your brain a break. Usually for adhd folks more asleep helps a ton with the brain fog. Adding stimulants will just have your body draw from an already empty well. If you're having trouble with rest or other forms of self-care doctors can help and so can some of the online resources out there. Supplements are wonderful too. Take care of yourself and good luck. You can do it.
thanks so much you sweet anon <3 creating my prior post actually did prompt me to call my doc about upping the wellbutrin because i'm on a low dose rn and i think i need some more mental stability at the moment. but i think you are right about the exhaustion, which increasing the adderall would probably make worse. im gonna see if the doc also has any input on how to help me sleep better because i think that's also a big factor. thank you angel 💕💕💕💕
#for some additional context: about a month ago my grandpa very suddenly lost the ability to walk#he was hospitalized and not doing well. i had to drop everything and drive a few states over because we thought he may not make it.#while i was there (staying with my parents who i don't get along great with) he was diagnosed with cancer and given between 6 months - 3 yr#to live depending on whether or not he wanted to do chemo. it was also determined he will probably never walk again.#i had to come home after a week and a half because i have to work for a living. after i got home they found nodular cirrhosis in his liver#which is causing confusion and hallucinations.#there's a lot of family baggage going on at the same time that i am trying to manage that is too personal and complex to try to explain#but trust there are a lot of mixed emotions going on for everyone and that is making everything even harder.#anyway. that's not even everything but that was kinda the kickoff event of the last few miserable weeks and ever since then stuff just kind#keeps happening and i just want to lay down.#and also scream.#sorry for mopeyposting on the silly website i promise this isn't all my blog is now but sometimes you just have to talk to the rubber ducky#you know?
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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Hah, so uh how to explain to my parents that I have reconsidered wanting to move back to the wannabe fascist state after all
#personal#vent#my folks are real attached to tx#understandable thats where they grew up#but i kinda wonder if they realize that its not the same tx they grew up in anymore#its to be close to family and because one story houses being more of the norm over there means my mom could get some independence back#and i understand it from those angles#i already tried to have the fight with my mom years ago about just going back without me#not only did she say i was shortsighted for cutting myself off from a support structure#(i wanst i had friends who could help should shit happen but whatever)#she also called me selfish for being the only one who wanted to not go back and keeping everyone else here#at this point my folks would be better off going back because they're not going to see too much of the blowback of The Shit(tm)#but i would and that sucks#it was one thing when the plan was to stay around austin but now that's not even in the considerations anymore#i hate feeling like i have to martyr myself for their sake#when the easy answer is for them to go back and i stay here#its not like i visited home all that much when i was on my own in the same town#so cross country wouldnt be all that different#i guess i could get them there and then figure out how feasible it is to move to colorado or something after the fact#but then i really would be throwing out my whole support structure because i wouldnt even have friends to lean on#anyway i fucking hate being in this position
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does anyone have any advice on how to feel alive again
#me @ me: no one cares#sorry to keep depression posting i just dont know what to do#its hard to stay positive when everything feels so fucking bad all the time#covid shit is stressing me out. election shit sucks so bad. my health is bad my mental illnesses are mental illnessing#and if one more person at my stupid fucking job makes a fucking comment about my fucking mask im actually going to start killing#im so serious. i really cant do this anymore#why dont people care about other people it makes no sense#why are people so fucking horrible to each other. everything is so fucking horrible#one of my coworkers literally right now has covid and on our zoom call he was like well the vaccine wouldnt have done anything anyways#are you sure about that??? because you sound like you cant fucking breathe#idk i just feel hopeless and bitter and exhausted and like nothing will ever be okay ever again. and im At Work.#how are you supposed to combat this. what are you supposed to do.#no amount of cognitive fucking behavioral therapy is going to fix the fascism or the climate change or the pandemic or the or the or the#like literally why bother. it doesn't matter nothing matters!#i just want to go home#but then when i get home im like fuck. i really want to go home.
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actually i think one of the things in outsiders that really fucked me up was one of owen's turns of phrase
when magic tricks him and goes into the maze alone, only surviving because he figures out what happened quick enough to follow & rescue her, he tells her that he's never going to stop coming after her (to make sure she's safe, to protect her)
and then after owen's gotten his memories back, he tells apo that he's never going to stop coming after him (to hunt him down, to kill him)
#i am never going to be normal about phrases being repeated with a different meaning#and i think this one especially fucks me up because it really hammers home the difference between owen at his core#(wanting to keep people safe. living to protect. loving his friends so so much hed do anything to keep them alive & happy)#and the person he became as a result of the trauma he experienced and the actions he took and life he led because if it#i think the real tragedy of this character lies in that we see who he couldve been!!! he was Good and he loved so much & tried so hard#but he lost his support system (mostly apo but also rasbi + graecie) and just. never quite learned to trust/rely on the others#because he believed what angel said- he can't show them weakness. theyre counting on him so he has to stay strong for them no matter what#i fully believe that if things had been different he could have overcome his past after remembering. if that support system had been built#i think he wouldve had a chance at least.#and thats the tragedy. he was so caught up in being their rock that they didnt know how to love him and he didnt know how to let them#after apo and angel he didnt let anyone in enough that they couldve changed his mind#so of course no one could save him. he would never have let them#anyway this smp fucked me up real bad. i think it did something to my brain pathways i think theyre realigned#pat.txt
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i hateee being away from uni sm i just want to go into.the living room where the is Sun but i can't bc my father is there. augh
#my mother can see im visibly uncomfortable and stuff. and shes like. its also ur home and ur free to stay wherever u want#which is like. thats very sweet thank u. except my father is objectively such a Horrible person and his presence makes me so#uncomfortable and he keeps trying to talk to me despite knowing that i dislike him so much bc of what hes done#it makes me feel grossed out fr like i just wish he would LEAVE i want to enjoy the sun#ive been spending every day in my room w 0 sunlight its making my mental health worse#literally didnt get any food until 4pm bc i wanted to avoid him#idk.what to do atp#anyway sorry if i sound rly entitled or w/e i just want to vent abt this
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"Carlos, if you could just pause your experiment for a second--if you could only hear me out, hear my hypothesis! I think once you understand the science of the situation, you--" Carlos opened the door. He was crying. She had never seen him cry. He was overwhelmed and unsure of how to express his emotions, since he usually only did so in carefully worded sentences, not with water from his body. "The science of the situation?" he snarled. "That Otherworld. I was trapped there, Nilanjana. I couldn't see Cecil for ten lonely years. I was kept away from the people I love, in that desolate place where you never get hungry and you never have to drink water and so you never live. It is a place that devours. It is a place that is empty. That is the science of the situation, and I study it so I can fix it. Only I can do that. Only these experiments can do that. I'm sorry, Nilanjana; I'm not going to stop so you can tell me what science is."
🫠
#Tyto listens to WtNV#spoiler warning I guess for a book that came out a few years ago now#anyway yeah hi I finished the book#the resolutions to the plot and to Nils' character arc were pretty good. nothing to write home about but fun and serviceable#I personally get annoyed whenever a story pulls a ''you thought this romance would end with these two TOGETHER? lol NOPE''#like we get it it's more realistic for whirlwind romances to end in a breakup and sometimes it's better for people to just stay friends#but firstly this isn't real life; it's fiction. with narrative devices and such.#and secondly WtNV of all media does NOT get to preach about realistic relationship trajectories when its lead fell in love at first sight#lmao I'm just saying. I'm not MAD about it or anything it just made me roll my eyes.#ANYWAY. that aside: it was good. and I do genuinely like the friendship Nilanjana builds up with Darrell at the end#but obviously the real star of the show was Carlos and the completely unprecedented character depth that they smothered him in.#not ONLY recontextualizing over a year's worth of the podcast but ALSO saddling him with LAYERS of guilt over the events in this book#he *KILLED* the *GODDAMN* *CENTIPEDE*#after his beautiful little speech about not killing things just because we don't understand them!#he was just SO traumatized by his time in the Otherworld and SO afraid for his family after Janice nearly got Got that he KILLED IT!!!#and THEN!!!! not only do they find out that the centipede wasn't responsible for the destruction!!#but it turns out it was HIS OWN MACHINE THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#his attempts to keep everyone safe were what actually caused the danger!!!! AUGH HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP#HE'S JUST SCARED AND HE WANTS EVERYONE TO BE SAFE AND NOT EXPERIENCE THE SAME HORRORS HE DID AUGHDUSHGHDH#...anyway yeah back to my regularly scheduled episode listening tomorrow
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My mom woke me up at 2am to say "I just want to let you know that I'm not crazy, but I am the bride of Christ and he needs you to take him more seriously." and no one is hiring me, so I can't afford to move out of this wackass fucking house!!! Bro I hate it here!!!
#and then she was like ''i keep trying to /remind him/ that you're trying to sleep‚ but he really wanted me to tell you 🥺''#please someone get me the fuck out of here oh my god. she also mocked me for being raped and abused as a kid which was um. not fun#bc I'm scared of men‚ and i get nervous when men come over. and she has a ldr boyfriend (of 6 months) who she plans on marrying#and she was like ''ohhh let me just NEVER HAVE MEN OVER because I have to bow down to your TWAUMAA *mocking noises*''#and i hadn't even done or said ANYTHING!!! i don't complain when she has guy friends over!!! i just stay in my room!!!!#and then she called me a spoiled rotten brat because i had a panic attack when she randomly mentioned he was coming over#like I'm not allowed to be afraid of a complete stranger my mom has known for 6 months being in my house#and she's like ''i KNOW HIM!!!!'' girl you also knew my father for 12 years and look how that turned out. not good!#sorry for venting on here‚ I'm at the library right now. bc if i go home‚ she's going to start telling me her conspiracy theories#like i do not feel safe enough to go home. and I've been desperately job hunting to get the fuck out but i haven't gotten even 1 reply#anyway!!! I'm coping by looking at apartments and making lists of household items to fill it with#heart shaped rice cooker my beloved#personal
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okay so um. apparently tumblr has started terminating accounts when people use vpns on desktop? idk if theres any major evidence of this but its been happening to many people apparently including people who have previously used vpns and been fine (its been happening more with the bot resurgence apparently) and i dont want to risk it but the thing is for the next eleven days im stuck in a country were tumblr is literally banned and i cannot access it without a vpn so um. im not gonna be on tumblr for the next few days !!! if you need me ill still be on discord and if youre a mutual who doesnt have me on there ask luce (@legobatmen) for it. bye i will miss you all very much<3
#i am. genuinly quite upset about this. bc tumblr is the many place were i talk to many of my friend esp luce#nd she doesnt even get discord notifs so -__- literally f uck my life#also i had a whole plan for a thing i wanted to do next year and like. start the blog nd stuff for at new year -__-#starting it a few days late isnt a huge deal but still#idk man im just very upset by this. ik ppl laugh at the idea tht social media can mean tht much to a person but like.#this is were i talk to all of my friends basically . nd i can do tht on discord. but not as much yk . nd i already wasnt enjoying this trip#as much as if we had j stayed home. ugh#idk maaybe ill make more shit if im not j scrolling tumblr all day . silver linings ig#also luce im sorry for not asking b4 telling ppl to dm u for my discord u r j the person i trust the most when it comes to sharing it w ppl#also most likely no one will ask bc most ppl i otherwise talk tohave mydiscord already yk#anyway i shld finish this post bc itsnot smart for me to keep being on tumblr rn. bye will miss u guys sm<3#flappy rambles
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"4 year extended warranty" buddy where I'm from the dishwasher is a family heirloom and the washing machine helped raise us
"smart appliances" fuck u i want them dumb as a brick and incidentally as sturdy and enduring
#that washing machine was more emotionally present in my childhood than my actual parents#planned obsolescence is spreading like chlamydia in a nursing home into every part of our lives and you should be PISSED#anyway. buying things secondhand when you can (appliances but also clothes & furniture) is a great way to weed out#what has staying power and what was designed to break#plus it's great for your budget#please check out your local thrift store for blenders food processors mixers etc#if it's old ugly clunky but it works? then it is probably a TANK that will keep on working til kingdom come#kitchen appliances especially get donated bc people die/move and no one wants them because they are old/bulky#and they have low resale value bc advertising culture trains us to only want the new shiny stainless steel version#but if a blender has been alive and kicking since the 80s? baby i don't care about the aesthetic that is Grade A Family Heirloom material#trawl facebook marketplace/whatever for washers/dryers/ovens that work but people want to get rid in favor of the new and shiny#get comfortable with having things be a little scruffy and dated but functional and useful. your life will be so much easier and cheaper#also learning basic mending and furniture repair skills will save you a ton of money#never underestimate the power of a coat of spray paint or decorative contact paper#and it will allow you to personalize things in a fun and colorful way if you so choose!#it doesn't have to be perfect it just has to make your life easier and bring you a bit of joy in the process#tell corporations to go fuck themselves! learn diy#reject this crazy ideal that everything has to be replaced just bc it's a little dented and showing its age. that's wabi sabi baby!!!!!!!
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