#or i guess queerness more than gender or maybe what i really mean to ask is are you aware your work is immensely camp yes or yes

[shpadoinkle-day]

someone should ask trey n matt what their favorite color is again because it's agonizing to just collectively know it's purple and blue but not have the source anymore

[cafeleningrad]

If it's not to late for the ask game:💚💖💔 for Revolutionary girl Utena. (And if you want ofc)

This show is a never ending opportunity to talk about so the asks will be perfectly on time any time. Thank you a lot for the questions! (/≧▽≦)/ 💚 What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character? That would Tokiko. The fandom barely talks about her, if they acknowledge their existence at all - which is in itself perfectly ironic for the Black Rose Arc finale. I've got many, so many thoughts on the limited yet incredibly revealing screen time of Tokiko, Nemuro before he became Mikage Souji, and the Chida Mamiya. But I will keep it brief at their actual, very human story being essential for explaining what psychological issues are determining the logic of Ohtori, and Akio as it's center of gravity. Tokiko appearing, and being the only person Akio can not intimidate or impress is my favourite moment about accepting past pain, and a life outside of Ohtori.

(And I guess for other two favourites Wakaba and Nanami, I think the fandom is pretty spot on about them (also high five to every Wakaba fan out her, love my onion girl 🧅🤎)) (And yeah, maybe some fans are a bit too kind on Saionji. This boy is physically mistreating others for his compensation. On the other hand, I'm a big Theon Greyjoy fan. For both characters the deeply complicated childhood friendship, patheticness-to-likeability-ratio, and gender-struggle make them overcomepnsate in the most dickhead ways parallels are just too close for me to overlook them....)

As usual, writing about this show got way too long, so the rest is under the cut. ;)

💖 What is your biggest unpopular opinion about the series? two things 1. This show thrives on accepting ambiguity and plurality all at once. The itself perfectly blends all it's aspects and inspirations together. Analysis of the text is a beautiful kaleidoscope. I do think a bit more of interest for the Japanese, especially the time and Japanese popculture context helps understanding why certain characters are the way they are could be useful. (By example: Juri's distant yet poised demeanour in a male environment reflect the tough position for women trying to survive in a male dominated field, or Nanami's and Kozue's incestuous tendencies corresponding to a prominent shoujo trope of the time, or what it means for Akio to take on his fiancée's last name, or Jur/iori's ashamed perception of lesbian love and desire as impure is combating questionable Class-S tropes). Still, I think different readings of gender, queerness, but also depression, maturity, childism, machismo in facism, Greek theater, colour theory, literary analysis of fairy tales, German literary influences, theater, power dynamics and also personal thoughts of escj viwer don't exclude other. Instead they link to each other, help understand one aspect a bit better, maybe are in conflict, or support each other. Even if I might not agree a 100% with every reading or interpretation, the thoughts of many other fans have helped me seeing different aspects in different lights.

2. Lesbianism didn't save anyone. I know most "gay gals winning"-claims are jokes. However it does irritate me a bit because the show works really hard against gender essentialism. It understands really well how love, and mature, good relationships works - even within same sex couples. There is a lot to untangle here but in order to not jump to 99 tangents at once: Princehood is not only misogyny. It's an entire mindset of egocentrism, and a power hierarchy needing over people to submit so a single person can climb on their backs. Such renders every relationship to a disproportionate exchange of values - not loving the actual person. At the pinnacle of it nothing matters more than an individual being uncritically revered, untouchable, unconditionally be loved without having to risk anything. If homsexuality was such an easy cure Touga, Saionji, Shiori and Juri... wouldn't be like that. They might even quit the show the moment Shiori said sorry, or Saionji returned at Ohtori. Them being all stuck in princehood mentality means seeing relationships as exhange of value, domination and submission as only possible form of intimacy, yet honest feelings and hurt are incredibly dangerous to reveal. They've a bleak outlook into the future, and mostly care about themselves before they actually care about the other. (Even though from all people Saionji might be the most caring for Touga... this boy is such a trainwreck...) This is why it takes Anthy and Utena 39 episodes and movie to flirt and finally kiss each other because they needed to mature and overcome the fears into which they were conditioned. Their vulnerability of loving has hurt them before: Anthy gave her all to Dios just to have her most intimate spheres in every sense getting violated. Utena lost the unconditional love of her parents, and her trust and intimacy got badly betrayed by Akio. However, they dare risk experiencing such pain again for the other. Opening up, daring to believe in something better, believing in the kindness and connection Ohtori so vehemently denies... there might be the chance of an miracle, actually.

(Don't get me wrong, it is a very queer show so it also tears down the pitfalls of heteronormativity. A prince needs a princess to showcase prowess and simultaneously own someone they can rob of power, relationships are just functions. Unlearning patriarchy means learning anew what personhood and what love is. Love is also the preservation and respect for the personhood of another person. i.e. it's basically Erich Fromm but without his fraud understanding of gender...) Again, SKU is incomplete with only one partial reading.

I don't mean it as "love that transcends gender", and "it doesn't need a label" way. No, Anthy is suffering under very real abuse whereas also bearing a heavily symbolic if not allegorical role. Meaning, reconciling with Anthy, Utena does reconcile with her struggles about being a woman. Utena is by design queer as it already is her starting point that whatever is considered "normal" not making intrinsic sense to her.

💔 If you had to remove one major character from the series, who would you choose? Ooof that's a tough one. The entire cast represent different arguments and issues of the Ohtori system, even side characters like Keiko and Tsuwabuki become relevant. Let alone main characters... (And I'm of the very strong opinion that a good story utilizes every character perfectly. Without even a terrible character there would be no plot. Which is to say we have to keep Akio if we want a plot... ) Even when dead, Touga is a necessary foil as self-aware ideal of princehood... I know Nanami only appears once in the manga but what would the story be without one of the best characters ever created for TV?

Alright, I've to choose: Evne though Miki and Kozue are my Rosetta stones to Akio's and Anthy's fraud relationship, I think removing Kozue would make for an experiment in deciphering Miki. How quickly would we pick on his deal if her was a prince without princess. After all, Juri and Shiori are the next step in isolation and dehumanisation, and Saionji has actually as many princesses as Wakaba has princes... hmmm... To say, Kozue is my starting point in understanding the arbitrary of gender roles and misleading concepts of innocence. Without her Miki could mislead the audience much more easily...

[possibilistfanfiction]

can i say i absolutely love how you write ava being casually nonbinary so much. there are no fucking words to describe how much i fucking love your in depth exploration of butch beatrice, especially as an asian genderqueer sapphic who relates a lot to beatrice, your fics about it is definitely some of my top fav fics in the fandom, and like lowkey inspiring to me in my own journey to better accepting my queerness and exploring what it means for me, but also on the other end of the spectrum, i just love the casual simplicity (not sure if that’s the word i’m looking for) you write ava being nonbinary with

ava’s nonbinary, and it’s just a simple everyday fact of life just like the grass is green and the sun goes up and down everyday, there’s no need to dwell on it because ava doesn’t need to dwell on it and maybe her relationship or feelings about gender will change or get more complicated in the future or they won’t change one bit, but that doesn’t matter because it’s not the future right now and they’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it

[lil teeny bit of nb ava for the culture]

//

'hey,' ava says, trailing a hand up and down the inside of your forearm, 'do you... do you care?'

you have absolutely no idea what she's talking about; you care about a lot of things, and, more and more, there are plenty of things you also let fall to the wayside: sometimes they just are.

'do i care about what?'

ava sighs, scoots a little away from you on the couch, tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. 'that i — i don't feel like i have a gender, or whatever. like, i'm a girl, i guess? but only because that's what people thought, and told me. but i don't feel like anything else. i mean, first of all, the gender binary is a tool of colonial oppression and white supremacy, especially when employed by the church —'

'— yes, that's true —'

'— but also, i have a literal divine battery pack keeping me alive, allegedly —'

'— the halo definitely is keeping you alive, we know that —'

'— and i've been to, like, realms and stuff. met a few gods; fought a few demons. fell in love with you.' she smiles softly. 'so it's just... limiting, to me. it feels limiting, to be one thing.'

'i don't think binary gender makes sense to me either,' you say, allow yourself to admit. ava probably has figured it out, even if you haven't been able to say it: you wear a binder some days, and you don't feel anything against she/her pronouns but there's masculinity and androgyny you crave, that you're just starting to feel steady and free enough to explore. 'i feel it differently than you — for me, being a woman is a particular experience that matters, but not in the way people want women to be. i don't know, it's a work in progress.' she squeezes your hand with a gentle smile. 'but, ava, i only care insomuch as you're the love of my life, and i want you to feel seen and cared for, just for who you are. i want to know you, whoever that is.'

she swallows and rests her head on your chest; the documentary about mushrooms she had put on in the background plays quietly. 'thank you.' she turns so her nose is pressed against your sternum, hugging you tight. 'i just know it's taken you a long time to, like, be okay with your own sexuality, and i didn't want to throw you for a loop if you were feeling really comfy with, you know.'

'being a lesbian?' you ask, try to keep the laugh out of your voice. 'i certainly don't want that to ever exclude gender expansive people, even if it's a word i like.'

'well, of course,' ava says, her breath warm through your t-shirt. 'you're you; you're the best there is.'

'i don't know about that.'

'nah, it's true. i do know. i'm the beatrice expert. god says so too, direct message. hotter jesus, remember?'

you do laugh, this time, and rub comfortingly up and down her spine, still your hand over the faint, warm hum of the halo. 'no matter what pronouns you use, or what name feels right, or what your gender expression is, i love you. i'm queer, which is expansive and abundant.' you have to swallow because, maybe for the first time ever, you believe the words wholeheartedly. your friends and your therapist and books and music and shows that you love have said them; you have said them, before, but not quite like this. the grace you want to give to ava is far beyond the grace you have ever allowed of yourself. 'queerness is infinite. and so is my love for you.'

ava sniffles and then wipes her nose with the back of her hand, props herself up on an elbow and kisses you. 'the same goes for you, you know that, right?'

'yes,' you say. 'i — i hold it close, often.'

she pauses, holds your jaw in her palm, and then kisses you. you kiss her back, with your eyes closed, with tears pressing at them that won't fall, not this time.

ava doesn't hesitate a few days later when she introduces herself to a few of your friends and says that they can use any pronouns; she tries on one of your binders one afternoon and then frowns and laughs and says, god, i love my boobs but then quietly makes sure to massage your shoulders every evening after that. she tries on any clothes she wants, picks out a suit one day that she whistles at when she sees herself in the mirror, and then laughs. there's quiet nights and loud brunches and your friends who consistently use different pronouns for ava without batting an eye, and it makes her smile even as she dumps salsa that will be way too hot on her chilaquiles and then has to eat them trying to hide a grimace. you don't know how to have that much freedom, not yet, but ava holds your hand and leads you along, always.

you're figuring it out, the loosening of limits you'd set so tight within yourself; ava's figuring it out too: how to be, and how to become when, of course, there's still cruelty — but there's infinite abundance too. you turn back to the documentary — all the fungi that weaves its ways in and out of the world, for longer than you can imagine. all the fish in the sea; all the stars in the sky — a steadfastness and a wonder and a joy, to exist beyond. to become.

[sadkachow]

sometimes i wish i wasn’t transmasc.

i love being me, but it just gets so exhausting. 

i’m not in an environment where i’m able to be entirely open about it, and it makes every moment when i’m with anyone i’m not out to exhausting. i feel like i’m putting on a show, pretending to be someone i’m not.

and then (and this is the main point of this post) sometimes it feels like the queer community hates people like me. not always, but certainly enough. enough to make me feel isolated, even in online spaces where i can be myself, because no one wants me to be me. the amount of shit i see by other queer people (even other trans men!) about how my manness somehow means i don’t experience oppression (which assumes every trans masc or man can or wants to pass—and even then, they must also be quiet about their transness), that trans mascs and men aren’t allowed to have the language to speak about their oppression, that we’re oppressing other trans people (by merit of being men, i guess???), that we’re evil disgusting monsters. 

the fear-mongering around t, the idea that it makes you bad and dangerous, the idea that certain effects of t are inherently disgusting and bad.

the way that we’re either seen as “evil vicious wicked men” or “poor dumb stupid girls- i mean boys- i mean girls”.

we’re hated because we’re failed women. 

we’re hated because we’re men.

no trans man or masc has ever experienced oppression based on their identity—and don’t you dare go look up the reported rates of violence, harassment, and s/a that we receive, don’t you dare look at how high they are! 

trans men aren’t allowed to see our transness and our manhood as connected in any way, they must be separated (“we have to protect queerness from disgusting masculinity”—which is also harmful to anyone who is comfortable or even enjoys experiencing and embracing their masculinity). 

gay trans men like me are introducing on the gay community.

straight trans men are either preying on innocent women, or they’re “better” than cis men, because they(“‘re not really men”) know what women want and are like and can thus serve women better!

trans men who still identify with lesbianism for whatever reason are either treated as women or treated (once again) as evil invaders out to harm women.

not to mention the trans mascs and men who identify with any other label than those three—no matter what, our identities and labels get twisted around to be used against us, to the point where sometimes it feels like maybe it’d be better if we didn’t identify as anything at all (except maybe that’d get turned against us too).

we get attacked for trying to have more neutral language (i.e. “pregant people” instead of “pregnant women”, “menstrual hygiene” instead of “feminine hygiene”, etc). we get attacked for having our own language (the way every single term used to describe transmasc oppression has been dissected and degraded until it’s become clear that maybe it’s not the word itself but simply the fact that we are using it).

we get told how much men are awful and horrible either as if we arent “really” men (“kill all men. but not you, you’re one of the ‘good ones’ (aka: i don’t see you as a man)”), or because we’re just as bad and need to be separated and killed and harassed and hated (“kill all men, including trans men. you can’t be mad, you’re asking for it by (existing as yourself) being a man!” “trans men really are the men of the lgbtqia+ community” (this is also a form of malgendering—gendering someone correctly for the sake of harming or attacking them (aka with malicious intent))).

i see so much help and resources for other queer people, but hardly any for trans mascs/men. i’ve seen support that parades itself as “for trans people”, and then it turns out it’s for all trans people except trans men. (this isn’t an exaggeration, by the way. i’ve seen multiple respurces that say that they’re for the support of all trans people, and then if you actually read into it, they’re for the support of trans women and nonbinary people only—which is completely fine that those support groups exist! but then don’t label it as “for all trans people” if it’s not for all trans people. that’s exclusionary, and can also present nonbinary identities as “women-lite”—and also often leaves no space for trans women and nonbinary people who present in a more masculine way or who also identify with manhood/as men to some degree, or for nonbinary people who dont identify with womanhood/as women at all.)

violence against trans men is so often erased because we’re misgendered even in death. we’re forcefully detransitioned. we’re s/a-ed and abused at extremely high rates.

we’re pitiful misled girls or failed women or wicked evil men or pick me’s or vile abusers. 

we’re evil and we cannot be hurt or oppressed because we’re men, as if that is not a point of view that is based on bioessentialism/gender essentialism, racism, intersexism, and extremely harmful (especially to marginalised men in general—trans or not). 

no identity is uniquely capable or incapable of harm—anyone can harm anyone, regardless of who they are.

and yet, and yet, and yet, it’s alright because we asked for it by simply being us.

sometimes it just feels so isolating to be a trans boy, because everywhere i look, there’s people hating me for existing.

im just so tired of it.

(clarification: i know not all of the queer community holds this stance. i’ve seen and/or met wonderful queer people of all identities who have been understanding and accepting. i’m also not trying to say that the things mentioned in this are only driven forward by the community—plenty of people who aren’t in it do this stuff as well. what i mean is just that it feels as if this sort of talk—particularly radfem rhetoric—has been incredibly pervasive lately, at least from what i’ve experienced. i feel like a lot of people forget it’s not just the “trans exclusionary” part of TERFs that is bad, but the radical feminism as well. radical feminism isn’t good. it’s incredibly bioessentialist, racist, intersexist, and harmful in so many other ways by its nature. but it still stands so clearly in so many places. this is also by no means a comphrensive list on the treatment of trans mascs/men. i’m not infallible. there’s certainly other things that have happened that i’ve either forgotten or am not aware of—and if anyone wants to add on, feel free!)

[lanaevyssmoved]

OC questions tag meme!

THANK YOU FOR TAGGING ME @hibernationsuit mwah mwah

i'm doing it for afhiri, candor and cirok!! it's undercut because its long ^_^

Name:

afhiri, but if performing will tell people their name is gift ^_^ afhiri does have a surname i just haven't decided what it is yet because it's almost better to me if no one ever finds out. even me candor's actual name is raguel, but chose the virtue name candor for itself! this was with intent for when it introduced itself to afhiri, but it completely failed when he realised afhiri doesn't know what candour means :D cirok is a name that they picked themselves after his failed transformation into a kaorti and became a rivener! it's actual name is long lost, and no one will ever learn it

Nickname(s):

afhiri has the nicknames hiri and iri, and various pet names from their various partners. "sweet clown" and "my favourite bard" are used often by gale! a fun fact is gale will give afhiri moon and star related names, and candor will give afhiri sun related names! candor is called candy by afhiri, and they'll tease it with lots of "you're so sweet! like candy!" hehehe... the torment melts the heart of even the most honourable of angels cirok is called cir by afhiri but other than that their name doesn't actually get used often, since it only really interacts with afhiri and gale. gale calls cirok "it" a lot, and "phantom", using cirok mostly when afhiri pouts at him. it sounds mean but cirok doesn't mind and sometimes prefers the depersonalisation of it

Gender:

afhiri is intersex and was raised to be a boy from birth, however they developed to look more like a girl, causing a lot of inner turmoil and conflict. afhiri is transfem and nonbinary. they also take testosterone to feel closer to their masculinity. she/they pronouns! candor is quite literally a sexless solar angel, but is maculine in appearence and presentation. calling candor a man in any form would be incorrect. he/it/they pronouns! cirok is nonbinary. don't ask whats under its clothes... vaguely gestures to the fact it's a failed kaorti transformation. it/they with heavy preference for it/its.

Star sign:

this is a little difficult because realms lore has changed on this a lot, if i'm correct in my information. from people being blessed by stars or entire consellations to each month actually having a sign in more recent lore. here is a link anyone doing this for realms ocs (like bg3 ocs) can use to figure this out! the lore on stars and consellations in the realms is spotty at best, but this could be helpful if you wanna go that route!

afhiri was born in the month of kythorn, at the height of summer. her sign is the moth! uh.. candor wasn't born like that and cirok experienced literal rebirth so like. i can only answer this for afhiri LSKDJFDSF

Height:

i added gale because gale kisses afhiri and cirok hehehe

Orientation:

afhiri is polyam and bisexual ^_^ candor is yknow an angel so doesn't really subscribe to this but would be polyam and pansexual if. it did subscribe to labels at all cirok is [waves hands about] queer

Nationality/Ethnicity:

afhiri is baldurian and from the lower city in a poor district. baby is a tiefling! candor is a solar from the upper planes! candor originally called the chronias layer of mount celestia its home but upon agreeing to serve lathander moved to the realm morninglory in elysium. candor spends a few decades on toril, but eventually returns to morninglory where they stay for eternity cirok is a rivener, and what it was before this is lost to time, and you're not going to get an answer out of them. but if you were able to get a good look, you'd assume cirok is maybe a human or a half elf. cirok stays in waterdeep with afhiri and gale post-game but where cirok was before is anyones guess!

Favourite fruit:

afhiri likes sweet fruits best of all, like berries, melons and mangoes! candor doesn't eat.......... cirok doesn't eat either...............

Favourite season:

afhiri likes it warm and loves nature, flowers, greenery, so late spring and summer are the best! candor likes the summer because of the long days and warm sun ^_^ cirok uh. is not gonna answer this question if you ask and it doesn't have one.......

Favourite flower:

afhiri loves all flowers but most especially simple flowers like daisies! if afhiri sees a field of daisies you have LOST her candor likes sunflowers and roses.. obviously cirok doesn't like flowers dlfkgfdglkdfgdfg

Favourite scent:

afhiri likes natural smells over perfumey ones that usually make them sneeze dfklgjdfgd so you're gonna see afhiri sniffing flowers and the fresh air and avoiding people wearing scents candor probably got some. angel advanced sniffer shit going on. so i assume candor can smell the universe and stuff. so lets just say whatever the sun smells like and leave it there so i don't have to unpack this cirok doesn't have a favourite scent are you seeing a pattern here :)

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate:

HOT CHOCOLATE FOR AFHIRI PLEASE. sometimes gale makes them mochas. ^_^ candor doesn't drink! :) but would like tea fdl;kgdf cirok doesn't drink either..!! ahh!!! but would drink coffee. gods

Average hours of sleep:

afhiri doesn't actually sleep for very long, always jolting themselves awake in the early hours, likely due to having to always be up early before leaving their family home. candor doesn't sleep!!! cirok doesn't sleep!!!!!!!!

Dog or cat person:

afhiri is a both person and has the matched energies of a hyper dog and a zoomies cat candor loves all things on toril equally :) except the evil things :) cirok actually likes tara!!! cat person!!!!

Dream trip:

you're not gonna get a proper answer out of afhiri here it would just be "ANYWHERE! EVERYWHERE! LETS GO!" afhiri just wants to adventure and explore and see shit man. easy to please ultimately candor....... god ok i have to be honest candors dream trip would be leading afhiri to morninglory to spend the rest of eternity there with it. which means afhiri is dead cirok doesnt have one....... for gods sake cirok

Favourite fictional character:

afhiri has never read a book. we don't have television here. afhiri doesn't KNOW any fictional characters. but afhiri also has issues with knowing what is and isn't real and would answer this question in a completely incorrect way. afhiri would say the emperor is their favourite fictional character :) because the emperor lives in the prism :) for fuck sake afhiri candor.. doesn't have one..... candor is not one for whimsy like this... DO I HAVE TO SAY IT

Number of blankets they sleep with:

afhiri has one blanket and it's whoever is sleeping in bed with them..... other than that afhiri is going to kick that shit off in their sleep because they fidget like hell unless there's the weight of someone else holding them down. weight blanket person candor DOESN'T SLEEEPPP CIROK DOESN'T SL PEPEEPEP

Random fact:

afhiri has 6 fingers on each hand :)

candor spent so long flying around and simply floating that when entering self imposed exile and disguising itself as a tiefling it had to figure out how to walk :D

cirok has to spend many hours a day caring for its resin. its a super delicate task that cannot be interrupted. without this resin cirok will die in torils atmosphere :).........

TAGS!!!!!!!!!!

@ancientsigil @gwynbleidd @grymforge @euryalex @courierseis @kelemvorr @dandeyrain @dekarios @enverflymm @lord-woolsley @bootheminiaturegiantspacehamster @captaintiny @dameaylin @masckarlach @haarlep @sovereign-spaw @johnnystorm @maxthetruman @princeofhags and anyone else who wants to do it consider urself tagged by me ^_^!!

[iluvthemangle]

afton (or, his basically self-insert character Spring Bonnie) being nonbinary is so funny to me., but like, I think it could be interesting to play around with that.

this post got a little longer than I'd like for people to have to scroll past so it's underneath now

when I talk about afton i mean, like, pre-fnaf. the beginnings of Fredbear Diner, still good friends with Emily, etc.

do you think he ever felt bad about it? this was the eighties, its highly unlikely he had any real space for him to explore that, especially in the suburbs.

i wonder if he ever talked to Emily about it? and I wonder if, had he done that, what would Emily's reaction be?

in cartoon characters I've noticed that-neutral- or -masculine- often means male, and feminine always means feminine. not showing feminine traits is what deems a character as male, not the presence of masculinity. like that post about animals in Disney movies. there's the normal one, and then the Girl one.

i guess afton was going for this with spring Bonnie, and even blue Bonnie! even in thefanbase, there was confusion.because theyre both veryneutral.,

it can be reasonably assumed that spring Bonnie is male BECAUSE they aren't feminine, but it's enough wiggle room for people to assume they're male anyways

i really like that post that said that afton would be happy to see spring Bonnie drawn by children who assume they're female, with more attached feminine traits and whatnot

i like to assume that funtime foxy and pre-mangle Mangle were also an exploration of the opposite thing. how feminine could a character get before being assumed to be only female? I mean, they've got lipstick on... I think the fan base has always seen those two as female, but I've leaned more towards male, especially for funtime foxy in SL

so, I will think about what the convo between afton and Emily would look like

given the time period I can at the very least say emily would be confused. afton brings up in passing, that spring Bonnie was to be devoid of a gender, or maybe emily asks about it, or something

then it sort of goes on from there? like, afton never explicitly says anything about being queer in the slightest, but it's sort of... implies? assumed...

whats that meme? uhhh

"im probably nonbinary but i have to murder children so I can't worry about that"

[antlered-vixen]

Hi! I really look up to you, I guess because of your age and because of what you've gone through. It must be hard to transition so many times, but it must have given you a lot of perspective.

Can I ask you something? How do you keep going? I can't find a community that welcomes me. People here are hurtful, and hateful- why do so many transfems online hate transmascs and intersex people? I don't hate them. It makes me want to cry. All I do is exist, and they tear into me for my identity.

Do you know how to find people who are kind, and don't put you down for who you are? I thought that maybe you've experienced some of these same things.

Sorry if this seems like a vent. You don't need to reply to it if it's too much or makes you uncomfortable.

Hey there.

I imagine I am older than you and possibly more experienced, yes, so I'll be glad to share a few things I've learned on existing as an intersex vaguely transmasc person.

1) Community rarely is and in fact should not generally be an echo chamber of people comprised of the exact same overlap of identitarian labels. A politics of compassion, mutual aid and community cannot be built with complete sameness as its main pillar.

Sure, yes, most of my friends are queer of some type. But I have befriended and become close with people gay and bi and straight, trans and cis, intersex or not. I've even dated outside what might be perceived outside my normal pool, taking no particular offense if for example someone generally identified as a lesbian tells me "well, you happen to be just ambiguous enough that even though I know you're not a woman, I find you hot in a butch way". Whatever - respect my name and pronouns and we're fine.

Identities and boundaries of attraction, friendship, commonality of experience and whatnot are very fluid and complex. "Your people" is not some preexisting uniform niche you will ever find - you have to bring them together yourself.

2) Transfems, as some kind of villified monolith (for the love of god enough of that!), do not hate intersex people or transmascs. Many are rightfully frustrated with people who think misandry is a thing - it's not.

Yes, transmasculine people are oppressed in ways unique to their experience, but not because they are trans, and also men. Because being men per se isn't a category that is dismpowered. They are oppressed in unique ways because they are specifically trans men, and therefore not fully offered the privileges of manhood, and in fact often perceived as failed/fraudulent men and/or failed/fraudulent masculine women. That's just plain old transphobia.

Transmisogyny is a word that exists to point out that being a woman is, in and of itself, a category of oppression, and that can overlap and intersect with the specificities of being a trans woman.

Honestly, we are actually all of us with our heads way up in our arse if we see fellow trans people as some primary foe - we hold little to no systemic privilege over one another, as trans and trans-adjecent genders are frankly at the very bottom of the hierarchy of gendered power, and out there in the real world our access to resources, our professional opportunities, our housing situations, our medical care, is decided almost entirely by old cis men in power and maybe sometimes the occasional powerful woman a la Theresa May.

Our material conditions are not going to be struggled for over comments in a Tumblr thread, I promise you.Keep your pain and tears for the class war, and to fight against the structures and systems that meaningfully decide the circumstances of your life.

And if the occasional trans woman is being mean to you online and doesn't actually have a good point... just ignore her. Every single group of humans has annoying people in it, even trans women, who are, you know, a complex and diverse group of fallible human people.

3) Many people will question the truth of your experiences, because a lot of intersex people undergo coercions and cruelties incompatible with what people want to believe is "the state of modern civilziation".

Surely not! Surely people are not given hormones coercively, shadily, by some family doctor! Surely babies are not mutilated with money paid under the table! Surely teens are not lied to and given T-blockers under false pretenses! Surely we don't live in such a world!

Worse yet, you will surely hear "impossible; teens given hormones is not to easy or common - that's a TERF argument", which is such a silly position. No, teens are given hormones easily, as long as it is in the service of maintaining and strengthening the gendered systems of categorization and assignment, rather than disrupting them.

If explaining politely avails nothing, ignore. You truly gain nothing by arguing online. Ultimately those unwilling to truly summon empathy and imagine experiences very different from their own will not learn it suddenly, this 18th of January, on Tumblr.

4) The best way to get people to be kind to you is by being kind to people yourself.

Suffering and grief is a nasty process, as it often closes us in on ourselves and makes us bitter and solispistic and self-obsessed, rotisserie-chicken turning our own trauma and worldviews in endless self-examination and writhing. It's understandable, but it's also not good for us, and it can make us, unintentionally, poor friends and poor partners, when we are so lost in our own self-narrativization.

Break away from that at your own initiative, be more extroverted and kind to others and curious about them and their lives, and empathetic, and believe me, it will be returned, eventually, by those who will make good friends and companions.

Ps.

You can reach out in private. I won't bite.

[dolokhoded]

80s jesus 'verse disciple headcanons pt. 3 (jesus, judas, jb)

my sincere apologies i know i said i'd bost judas "in a little bit" about. 2 weeks ago. here they are. @ that one anon who asked me about judas, my brain works very slowly, there he is

JESUS

ok starting off jesus is gender wacky. idk what he is i use he/him for him but calling him a man feels off. he's my favorite gender identity which is wack.

being somewhat divine does that to you you don't really care for the labels society has completely made up. ANYWAYS

i don't even know what i'm gonna write for jesus i'm sure you know what kinda guy jesus was. 

okay. grew up in nazareth with his parents miriam and yosef and his siblings 

(don't ask me why im using the hebrew form of names for the parents but not jesus himself. it's because we have a hundred marys.)

he has three siblings, two sisters and one brother, and he's older than all of them with a pretty big age gap, he was kind of an accidental pregnancy

(or, y'know, the son of god. but who knows ! )

had a relatively normal life compared to everyone else. i guess reparations for how well his life went last time idk.

jesus is also the only one out of them all who has somewhat of a sense that they've all existed together somewhere before ? he doesn't clearly remember any of it, but he did recognize his disciples when he met them.

he also has a lot of nightmares. they're vague, but very painful.

anyways aside from that pretty decent upbringing. he always knew that he wanted to help people as much as he can.

he learned carpentry from his dad and although he did study political science he ended up just running his father's shop.

however of course he also runs his organization ! which i really struggle to pick a main cause for because like it's jesus ? i feel like he'd care about anything that helps people he's just trying to make the world a little better.

idk. i'll think about it.

before he was doing that he was doing a lot of activist and volunteer work alongside his cousin john ! you guys know cousin john !

and therefore already had a lot of peers and a lot of friends who then followed him and supported him. the first being andrew, who was very close with john and was there when there was just talk between the three of them and maybe some more friends about jesus starting his own cause

aside from carpentry, which he obviously likes and is very good at, jesus is actually a little bit of a creative in general.

he just started with woodcarving with his leftover supply for fun and then slowly moved on to clay and occasionally even sculpting.

likes to give stuff shape anyways

cares so much for his whole team and always reminds them to be kind to themselves and take care of themselves however he has not practiced self care a single DAY in his entire LIFE

will overwork himself to exhaustion if someone doesn't physically drag him away. has before.

for an all loving creature he has the emotional intelligence of a doorknob

dgmw he's great. he's kind to everyone and all that. he's understanding.

still has not known what the fuck is going on a day in his entire life. each time any of his friends looks the slightest bit off he comes to the wildest possible conclusion.

most of the time said conclusion being that it's his fault

he might be a tiny bit self-centered. usually not in a positive way towards himself either, it just means he thinks he's the cause of everything bad happening in his life.

feels like the world revolves around him, just in a very pessimistic way

but he's got a lot on his plate can you blame him.

love how i went "yeah he's relatively doing pretty well" and then gave him a bunch of issues lol sorry jesus

JUDAS

welcome, queers, i know you're here for him, here he is

judas is an only child and comes from a very rich family.

his parents own an insurance company and have like a bunch of buildings they're renting.

generational wealth, basically. it's all inherited and they're making a shit ton of money out of nothing it's all already set up.

judas' family is also very religious.

and i know that so far two out of the two times i've said that it means the parents are assholes but i swear it's not like that james and john's parents are also religious it just wasn't relevant.

but yeah judas' parents are, in fact, assholes. judas was very involved at the temple from very early childhood.

which unfortunately led to him being abused by religious officials that he could supposedly trust and grew up with.

especially once he started growing into his teens and came to the realization that he very much Does Not like women.

which his parents didn't love either.

somewhere around that time he started to distance himself from his family, especially once he moved away for university. judas studied political science but halfway through kind of changed career plans and double majored in journalism

which was very demanding but he did it anyways !

in university he meets jesus. jesus is in his third year when he's in his first and helps him out a lot. they're both very politically active too and always meet at protests and charity events etcetcetc so, yeah, they know each other. and sure there's something there but judas is very closed off and they drift apart when jesus graduates.

oh, judas also has depression, he was diagnosed at age ten, his family was very ashamed of that as well.

in his last year of university, he falls out with his parents once and for all.

they already weren't close, judas was very hurt by them and obviously he had a lot of personal issues with them but to him the line came when he found out about a lot of things that were going on behind closed doors in his parents' company, they were scamming a lot of innocent people and also partnering with a lot of . really just scum of the earth kind of people.

judas got rightfully very upset and had absolutely zero reason to keep covering up any of this. so he didn't ! and obviously that was very disastrous for the company.

judas gets disowned. not legally, but his parents cut all ties with him. not that he wasn't going to do that himself anyways.

obviously though as a consequence he suddenly has very very limited money. luckily for him he's currently in a relationship with his guy, isaac, who's very happy to let him move into his apartment. it would benefit him too to share the rent anyways. as it turns out, isaac's not a great guy ! judas himself isn't too well either so they have a very weird very unhealthy very codependent relationship and though they fight a lot it takes judas two years until he finally finds the strength to walk out on him.

judas didn't think that through very well because he doesn't really have anywhere to go. to his luck, guess who he runs into !

it's jesus. of course it's jesus this is the dolokhoded bible where the main character is still jesus, no matter how much i love to talk about james and simon.

jesus is on his way to a meeting with his team and he's like hey why don't you come along. and judas does. and that's it, he meets the whole gang, he ends up rooming with andrew and philip for a while before he gets his own place.

and, y'know. he does, eventually, in an excruciatingly slow process that tests the patience of all of their friends, get together with jesus.

okay i prob have to write this too uhh sad stuff ahead judas attempts once.

he's spiraling and overworking himself and hiding it pretty well. has some petty fight with john that jesus scolds him about and then has another fight with jesus over that and overall it's not going swell.

strangely enough it's john who decides to check on him after that. he has not gotten along with judas a day in his life but he could tell how upset he was and jesus is hurt and also a little petty and isn't gonna go do it himself so he decides he might as well. to his horror he stumbles into. well. yeah

he survives.

he moves in with jesus, john and matthew for a while after that.

(a lot of them are rooming they don't have much money)

goes back to therapy too.

okay sad stuff over. it gets better. he's doing well. gets a job at an independent news page and becomes quite known among his circles for his work too.

JOHN THE BAPTIST

or JB.

he does not baptize anyone. his first name is john baptist. don't ask me the logic of being named after himself when he hasn't existed yet for people to be named after him ok making an au of a defining characteristic of current human society is fucking difficult

jesus' cousin. his mother, elisheba, is miriam's sister. she's a good fifteen years older than her, and was in her fourties the year that both jesus and jb were born so her getting pregnant was a bit of a surprise.

grew up with jesus and they're very close. they studied together and they theorized together and they discussed everything together.

very big on environmental activism. and by consequence very very anti-capitalism. very anti-fast fashion, for multiple reasons. also vegan :).

jb genuinely believes the human race is the universe's biggest abomination and we should just go extinct. he's not wrong.

he doesn't pick favorites (but he does and they're andrew and philip they're his favorites)

philip was sort of his right hand

he's kind of there to encourage all the shit jesus can't if he doesn't want absolute chaos and zero planning. give simon a pat on the back for getting into fights with racists and all that.

generally he's a little more radical that jesus is. they don't agree on everything but they both respect each other's stances.

he's so well read. it's obvious too, they're all educated obviously, but this guy talks and you can tell he knows his shit. it's very impressive.

and not even in the sense of being well informed and reading theory he knows literature he knows art he's so cultured and i don't like using the word cultured because it often brings to mind a very western very white very high class perception of "culture" but that's not what i'm talking about here.

jb calls himself an atheist in a more political sense. he believes that people shouldn't rely on some higher force to give humanity and morality substance and should instead search for meaning inside those things alone, otherwise they won't have the right motivations to be moral and therefore their beliefs will have no strong foundation.

he grew up jewish but his relationship with his faith is very personal to him and stays between him and god. he doesn't care to discuss it with anyone, except maybe jesus a few times.

sort of everyone's go-to person for advice. he's there to talk the stupid out of them.

his mother was a seamstress, and he learned from her. he likes to make a lot of his own clothes.

professionally, however, he's a translator. he speaks hebrew, english, greek, russian and arabic. (also a little bit of french and german. he's not qualified to translate those though) (is constantly in the process of learning more)

he just fixated on different alphabets as a teenager a little too hard.

[canidbutch]

read the tags on your personal crisis post and from what it’s sounds like you might actually just be a lesbian. not trying to armchair diagnose but ive seen multiple times when women & enby friends of mine used to id as bisexual had similar attitudes like you do when it comes to men (liking them superficially/getting anxious/not wanting to follow through with dates or hookups/not wanting to get super attached etc). it might just be an attraction to masculinity not necessarily men could also be a gender thing

yeah it's tough because i Do have like. ONE guy i enjoy sex with? or Have enjoyed sex with. and in general i have been in situations that were fine and enjoyable they just went nowhere and so that makes me go okay so it's not Always that i am repulsed and unhappy, it's just the WAY i tend to engage with men is more often than not just unhealthy. i do think sometimes i go into it in a comphetty way (despite approaching it as a 'guy' even though i don't think anyone sees me as one when i Want to be one, yet they see me as one when all i want is to be recognized as a butch???? insane) and sometimes in a retraumatization way, but i think it's like. that doesn't necessarily mean i'm not attracted to men in general right?

and yet on the flip!!!! yeah, i mean, being generally disdainful of my experiences isn't a sign of "yeah you could be happy with a man in general." i think there's a good chance you're right and i have been struggling with it for a long time because like. okay what about that one guy i AM fine with sleeping with. doesn't that kind of mean yeah there's at least a small percentage that does still enjoy men?

other issue is that approaching women intimidates me because i feel like they're all gonna be out of my league and i feel like my sexual preferences aren't up to par and i won't make a woman happy. it's "easier" to fuck men because they have lower standardsnfbdkjf and i KNOW how that sounds that sounds exactly like what someone suffering from comphet would say and maybe that is the case.

i don't really know anymore. sometimes i just want to strip away all labels and use queer but i am also not a big fan of that. i might taper off my testosterone. i lowkey regret ever medically transitioning in the first place because i was at my happiest and hottest when i still had a rack and was just plain butch. i feel like i have ruined my chances of ever being identified as butch again and that makes me extremely distressed. so just. idk. maybe you're right. I don't mind this ask because i am in constant need of talking this shit out and laying it all on the table that's the best way for me to like figure things out and help my OCD ass put things into the right boxes so i'm sorry for rambling or seeming argumentative or whatever, i have had this thought in my head for a while i just. something is stopping me from embracing it?

i guess it's like. even if i chose not to fuck that guy again, i do still know i enjoyed it when i did? and that to me is the big thing like sometimes it IS fine and fun. i just have bad habits and outlook more often.

RAAAAARGH.

sorry for the long reply i just don't know what's going on with myself literally ever and i think it started when i medically transitioned lmao i am too nonbinary to be happy with EITHER option and i have too much flat out dysmorphia to feel like anything i do Works and i just

i get really sad when i think "dykes don't see me" so yeah that's a Sign or whatever. and yeah I get unhappy when i think about how men don't like me either like in the daylight and when i'm just existing, not when they'll fuck a bar of soap just to get off so i'll suffice, but it's true like how much of that is just society and my upbringing.

i guess i also don't wanna be a shitty detransitioner or whatever cuz im still not a WOMAN im just. an amorphous blob. but what does all these regrets say about me! i have Imposter Syndrome. in what direction? yes

I need to stop talking duxjdhskdj

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i feel like you would have really fascinating takes on the transformers franchise if that was ever something something you got into (meant as complimentary. kind of inspired by the fast and furious zine you talk abt every now and then tho in tf case its much more transgender in the comics (kind of in transformers one as well?) than the live action verse. asia kate dillon in a transformers movie when...) sorry if this is random as hell :]

oh thank you, this ask is a treat to randomly get, fun insight on that connection & my theoretical fascinating takes is [takes the compliment] rn lol

i've never directly experienced any transformers franchise media besides Knowing Of It while existing concurrently with it on this earth, gleaned a tiny bit of info but any like. lol here we go: transformative &/or just fan analysis / discussion worlds are pretty entirely unknown to me, but i guess i both already assume & am distantly aware of like queer fanbase existing lol & like you really have to deconstruct ideas about sexuality & gender if you're dealing with stuff like alien robots fucking, i'm sure two trucks having sex has to be a thing for transformers fans more than even the average tumblr user. which like now that you've sent this idea connecting it to Fast & Furious: Transgender Style like i'm sure just as that is kind of an uphill battle (at least seemingly) to fix a trans lens on, like, well it's an uphill battle i'm sure if some transformer fan ships the transformers but has to draw mechs about it. however, "trans" is right in the name. just like on real, regular trucks sometimes

also like genuinely maybe you should pitch "trans / queer input on the transformers franchise" to https://www.girldadpress.com/contact as an idea for a potential upcoming anthology work again, like the first zine being that "all trans contributors doing works about the fast & furious franchise" (which i could contribute to without having ever seen any movies or knowing anything besides what was from the one relevant video game we watched a playthrough of on youtube. while also not being the only contributor who had never seen anything fast & furious / didn't know much / didn't particularly like it lol) & the anthology in progress right now being queer contributors doing works about the sex & the city franchise, which i also know nothing about, except maybe making the connection about the funny unlikely "and just like that" making billions have to quickly edit in some voiceover into an episode, & then i start talking actually about being the queer trans "also not a fan, also haven't even actually seen this" about billions lmao But. that'd be in writing so we can imagine a sprawling [just me complaining / analyzing a whole different media] all while like, i'm not the Wrong Audience billionswatcher with that insight + writing skill combo (that would be nothingunrealistic)

anyway they Are open to input / ideas like that lol & i didn't have any ideas to offer but like why not send it in? & then maybe eventually you could have a zine of fascinating takes on the transformers franchise. i really enjoyed the full 2 trans 2 furious zine as someone who barely already knew anything, so probably if i Did know shit it'd only be an enhanced experience.

asia kate dillon in the last(?) fast & furious movie, in a transformers movie sure, in Anything, anywhere in their range from Striking, Intense Presence to funny little guy (highest honor)

(bonus: from following a few blogs for cats (jellicle) (have been meaning to like watch the '98 proshot but haven't actually yet. know a bit & respect it / like it on principle / like it distantly b/c like Yeah Sure but again another thing i don't know much about. one time my costume for a show i was in was very cats style, which is great. unfortunately don't have access to any of the disposable camera vlogging pics i took. it was purple & i did my own face makeup whee) i see things about Starlight Express, the andrew lloyd webber musical about trains & their train contest & it's done on rollerskates & i also know basically nothing but it's, you know, people As Train Units in costumes that like at a glance are kind of giving transformers(tm) b/c how could it not, really. this is like my main trainsformers (keeping that typo, sure) thing to offer rn)

[queenofzan]

Once again, I have gotten several thousand words deep into a story and had a line where one of the two speculated about what would have happened if they met earlier, and then...become obsessed with writing that idea down too. WHOOPS. I just think...what if trans characters realized they were trans sooner. And how would that change things. Especially on Kavagor.

So here's Maria drawing too much attention to herself and accidentally getting fucked into a gender realization.

My main Yuri/Maria file is 25k; this is only 11k of the 16k i have written of the AU where they meet in their 20s instead of their 50s/60s

(warnings for uhh let's go with eroticized violence, under-negotiated kink, dubious consent, and misgendering. and homophobia i guess.)

---

Kasharik was late getting to the bar. When he arrived, he had his arm around the shoulder of a stringy young man who looked very uncomfortable. The stringy young man also had bruised knuckles and a split lip, although the rest of his face looked fine. He was not nearly as good-looking as the men Kasharik typically had on his arm or at his side, which meant there was some other reason Kasharik brought him.

"Sir," Yuri said when Kasharik got to their table. "Who's this?"

"Ivanov here," Kasharik said, pushing Ivanov into the booth ahead of him where he'd be trapped up against the wall, "just won the mixed-weight UAC tournament very handily."

That did make the plain, stringy man more interesting. "Did he," Yuri said, giving him another, more careful look. He had dark hair, deeply-set eyes, and a dimpled chin. Yuri supposed his stringiness might translate to lean muscle. He was probably faster than Yuri.

"Yeah," Ivanov said, proud even through his sullen discomfort.

"Get us some drinks, would you?" Kasharik said to Yuri, pulling out his wallet and passing Yuri a large bill.

"What'll you have?" Yuri asked Ivanov.

Ivanov frowned. "Beer," he said.

Kasharik rolled his eyes. "Not specific enough, darling."

Ivanov looked at Yuri's glass, which had sweated a ring onto the table in the time it took Kasharik to show up. He looked back up at Yuri, then said, "Whatever you're having."

Well, it was no surprise Ivanov could tell Yuri wasn't a commissioned officer even out of uniform. Yuri grunted acknowledgement, and got up to go to the bar.

As he returned to the table carrying drinks, Ivanov was protesting to Kasharik, "I'm not gay, though."

"Neither's Arevin, last time I checked," Kasharik said mildly. Yuri set his glass down in front of him, and Kasharik gave him the barest nod of acknowledgement.

Yuri wasn't gay, but he wasn't sure it was fair to say he was straight, either. Bisexual, maybe, like Kasharik's ex always said. At least, he was happy enough to fuck men, since it meant at least he was fucking someone. He wasn't sure if he would have sought it out, but mostly because he wasn't great at normal social interactions; figuring out if a guy was interested was a complicated endeavor in most environments. How he felt about it seemed like a distant second in importance.

"Oh, come on," Ivanov scoffed. "You know I don't mean fucking 'homosexual', I mean queer. I'm not interested in men at all."

"Really," Kasharik said, uninterestedly. He was being a dick. Despite finding it obnoxious, Yuri often enjoyed when Kasharik was dickish, because it meant he was going to have a fun night.

"Here," Yuri said, sliding Ivanov's beer across the table as he sat down. "You being offensive to Lord Kasharik now?"

"No," Ivanov said, although he glanced at Kasharik nervously. "I don't mean there's something wrong with it or nothing," he said. "Folks should be as gay or queer or whatever as they want. I'm just not."

"Shame," Yuri said, taking a sip of his beer. Kasharik smiled. He was handsome, and he had a nice smile. He liked it when Yuri picked up on what Kasharik wanted him to do without him having to spell it out. That was difficult with most people, but not Kasharik.

"Why's that?" Ivanov asked, wary and suspicious.

"Most folks can't handle me in a fight," Yuri said. "And I've kind of wanted to go right from a fight to a fuck since milord first brought it up."

Ivanov stared at him for a moment, then scoffed again. "I could take you," he said. He turned a little pink as he sipped his beer, though.

"That is why you caught my eye," Kasharik said. He shrugged and picked up his glass. "But if you're not interested in men, I suppose it might be awkward, with the sergeant so…responsive to violence."

Yuri wished he wouldn't say it that way. That sounded like he couldn't keep a handle of himself. No one had ever realized before Kasharik how horny fighting made him, which Yuri thought made it pretty clear he wasn't at the mercy of his baser instincts.

"Hell, I wouldn't hold it against him," Ivanov said. He was still a little flushed. Interesting that he hadn't been embarrassed denying he was interested in men, which lots of closet cases were, but now that the link between sex and violence had been brought up, he was affected. Promising, perhaps? He went on, "Plenty of guys get worked up rolling around on the ground. Not my business if he jerks off after I beat his ass."

Kasharik laughed. "You don't know when to stop, do you, Ivanov?" he asked.

Ivanov shrugged. "I beat the best of the best today," he said. "I feel pretty good about my chances."

"Do you?" Kasharik asked. If Ivanov knew Kasharik the way Yuri knew Kasharik, he would have been on alert for bullshit, but he didn't. "Good enough to make a little wager?"

"Hell yeah," Ivanov said. "I could use some extra cash."

"Hmm," Kasharik said. "I wasn't thinking about money."

"Well I was," Ivanov retorted. "I got bills to pay. My lord," he added as an afterthought.

Yuri felt himself smile into his glass. Ivanov did have guts, at least.

Kasharik laughed again. "I'm sure you do," he said. "Fine, we can have it both ways, can't we? If you can beat Arevin in a fight--let's say tourney rules--I'll give you five hundred marks. And if Arevin wins, he gets to fuck you."

Ivanov glanced at Yuri again. He looked alarmed, but possibly also intrigued, now. Yuri had to admit he would enjoy fucking him. Ivanov studied Yuri for a moment, then turned back to Kasharik and said, "Well, why not? I could use the money."

"You're not at all worried about what will happen if you lose?" Kasharik asked. "I wouldn't want you to feel taken advantage of or ill-used." He was so full of shit; he didn't care one whit if Ivanov felt used or taken advantage of. He just didn't want to deal with complaints or backing out later.

Ivanov shrugged. "Long as you know I ain't gonna enjoy it and that don't bother either of you, I'll risk it," he said. "Not like it costs me nothing."

"Really?" Kasharik asked, surprising Yuri a bit. He didn't usually go this far to make sure people were comfortable. "Most straight men are a little more concerned about the possibility of getting fucked in the ass."

Ivanov paused with his glass halfway to his lips. "Ah," he said.

"What did you think I meant?" Kasharik asked, smirking.

"Uh," Ivanov said, turning pink again. "Usually when people assume I'm gay, it's--kind of implied I'd be the one on top." He looked back at Yuri. "But I guess you're not exactly the pretty little sissy type."

Kasharik laughed again, quite loud this time. "No," he said. "Not exactly."

Yuri had taken it up the ass before, actually, but he wasn't really thinking about ending a fight riding someone else's dick. And he'd never told Kasharik about that. Not that he'd asked, either; Kasharik was more interested in using Yuri for other purposes.

Yuri didn't say anything. Kasharik would talk Ivanov into it or he wouldn't. It wasn't Yuri's role to be persuasive, just obedient. 

Ivanov looked from Yuri to Kasharik and back again. Kasharik took a sip of his drink. Eventually, Ivanov said, "Don't see that that changes anything, really. 'Specially since I'm gonna win."

"Confident, aren't we?" Kasharik murmured.

"He can't be better than everyone else in the fucking service," Ivanov said with a shrug. Logical, if not accurate. He grinned at Kasharik. "But I'll appreciate that five hundred, my lord."

Yuri did not expect he would lose, but to be frank, he wouldn't mind it. Kasharik wouldn't be pleased, but he wouldn't be too shitty about it. He might knock Yuri around some after, but considering he found it amusing that Yuri got off on shit like that, it would be fine. Yuri was just looking forward to a real fight, which he hadn't really had since he got transferred out of Petrov's command. Maybe if he got sent off-world, like there were rumors about.

Kasharik took them back to his apartment, then had Yuri and Ivanov push all the furniture in the living room aside to clear space. Ivanov had kept pace with Yuri, and nursed just two drinks through Kasharik's four. He didn't seem drunk, and he didn't seem worried. He wasn't good-looking, necessarily, but he moved with enough surety that he was attractive.

"Oh, and roll up the rug as well," Kasharik said. "I'll go grab lube."

"You better grab five hundred dollars, too," Ivanov called after him, even as he helped Yuri roll up the rug. As they worked, Ivanov asked Yuri, "You always get your kicks doing your knob boyfriend's bidding?"

"He's not my boyfriend," Yuri said.

"What, you fuck people for a guy who's not your boyfriend?" Ivanov asked. "You know that's weirder, right?"

Yuri shrugged. It was weird, but not as weird as the idea of being a nobleman's boyfriend.

Kasharik came back, a bottle of lube in hand, and sat down on one of the armchairs pushed back against the wall. "Whenever you're ready," he said, waving a hand.

Ivanov stretched each arm behind his head in turn, cracking his shoulders. Yuri stripped off his shirt, leaving him in just his undershirt. He did a similar quick stretch to Ivanov, then shook out his arms. "Ready," he said.

Ivanov was good. He dodged Yuri's blows like it was trivial, and managed to trip him once. He got a painful hit on Yuri's jaw. Yuri had to back off and strategize for a second, which was difficult when Ivanov pressed his advantage. But as much as Yuri believed Ivanov wanted that five hundred dollars, Yuri really wanted to rip Ivanov's clothes off and have his way with him. Blood, Yuri wanted to smash his face into the floor and fuck him until he cried. He wanted that so, so much.

Ivanov was fast, and he was good, but he was also coming off a tournament and smaller than Yuri. Once Yuri got him on the ground, it was over, it would just take a while to wear him down.

Or more than a little while. "Fuck's sake, man," Ivanov grunted after a few minutes, attempting to keep Yuri's hold from taking. Yuri was having a little trouble keeping himself from rubbing his dick against Ivanov. "You ain't won yet."

From the side of the room, Kasharik said, "I thought plenty of guys got worked up rolling around on the ground."

Ivanov only grunted instead of trying to respond. He needed all his attention on Yuri.

He was good at escaping holds, but he could never keep Yuri off him for long, even with Yuri distracted by how turned on he was. The more he flopped around, struggling, the more obvious it became that he was aroused as well. Yuri reached down with one hand to cup his dick, and Ivanov groaned.

"That ain't tourney-legal," Ivanov protested.

"You can keep struggling," Yuri told him.

Ivanov groaned again. He did keep struggling, but not quite as hard as he had been, especially when Yuri rubbed his dick. After several more minutes, he gasped, "Fine, fuck, mercy, you win! I concede!"

"Obviously," Kasharik murmured.

Yuri unbuttoned Ivanov's trousers blindly, then yanked them down. "Keep struggling," he breathed against Ivanov's ear.

Ivanov shivered. "You're a fucking freak, you know that? Blood." But he did keep struggling, even when Yuri took his dick in hand and stroked it. He even bit Yuri's hand when it got too close to his mouth. Yuri wasn't sure he had ever been this hard in his life.

Kasharik rolled over the bottle of lube. Yuri snatched it up and immediately dumped some down Ivanov's ass crack.

"Ow, fuck," Ivanov said, squirming.

"If you think his fingers are too much, you are not going to enjoy his cock," Kasharik said, sounding smug.

"I fucking said I wouldn't," Ivanov said, like he wasn't just as hard as Yuri. He immediately belied himself by moaning and arching his back when Yuri thrust his fingers back into him.

"Maybe you weren't into guys because you always figured you'd be the top," Yuri said. "You seem to like being my bitch just fine."

Ivanov made a startled sound that was practically a sob, as his cock jumped in Yuri's hand.

"Ohh," Kasharik said. He sounded as if he was smiling. "Maybe that's what it is! Maybe people keep clocking you as queer because they can tell you'd be better off as a woman."

Ivanov gasped. "That's not--that ain't true."

"No?" Kasharik asked. "You sure seem just as happy pinned beneath Arevin as you did winning the tournament."

"No way," Ivanov said, then moaned again as Yuri's fingers pushed deeper. "Bones, please--fuck!"

"Might be nice to have a woman of my own," Yuri murmured into Ivanov's ear. Ivanov shuddered again, clenching around Yuri's fingers. "You like that idea?"

"I don't know," Ivanov moaned.

"I'm not sure how pretty you'd be, as a girl," Kasharik mused. "But then, that's not really what matters to Arevin, is it, sergeant?"

"Any girl's pretty when she's taking your cock," Yuri said, and Ivanov shuddered again. He pulled his fingers out of Ivanov's ass and reached for the bottle of lube again. He had to sit up some to slick up his dick. He kept one hand on Ivanov's back, only nominally holding him down, but Ivanov didn't try to get up. He just laid there, breathing hard, his erection dangling between his legs.

"Tap-dancing zombie Emperor Sergei!" Ivanov yelped when Yuri started pushing his dick into him. He tried half-heartedly to crawl away. Yuri yanked him back by the hips, driving his cock even deeper. This time, Ivanov's yelp was wordless. A moment later, he moaned, "Blood and bone, are you packing a fucking wine bottle down there?"

Kasharik laughed. "Not quite," he said. "Though he is rather well-endowed."

"If I'd known I was gonna be taking a horse cock if I lost, I never would have agreed," Ivanov said. Yuri reached around to play with his dick, and found it had not flagged at all. That was interesting, considering Yuri had certainly not prepared him adequately. Was he a masochist, or did he really like the idea of being a woman so much?

"You don't seem to mind," Yuri murmured, giving him a slow stroke.

"Fuck you," Ivanov gasped.

The noises Ivanov made as Yuri fucked him were about half pained and half aroused. He swore after almost every time he moaned at something. He was rather cute, actually, which was not something Yuri usually thought about the men Kasharik had him fuck. Kasharik liked simpering kiss-asses and humiliated stoic straight men. They were fun, but not cute. Ivanov's vulgar expressions of alternating frustration and pleasure was.

Yuri pushed his face down into the floor and snapped his hips forward. Ivanov whimpered. Yuri snapped his hips again, and Ivanov gasped, "Oh, fuck!"

"You do like this, don't you," Yuri said. "I could make you my woman. I'd let you have my cock whenever you wanted it." He bit his lip, to have something to ground him. "Get you some dresses so I can just flip your skirt up and stick it in."

Ivanov whined and clawed at the floor. He was not making a real attempt to get away.

"I've never had a girl of my own before," Yuri said. "I'd treat you nice."

Ivanov laughed. "You think this is nice?"

"Your dick seems to think so," Kasharik said. "But I'm sure Arevin would be willing to treat you rough, if that's more your speed."

"Only in bed," Yuri said, and Ivanov shivered. "Mmhmm, that's right. Can treat you like a lady most of the time, even though we both know you're really a slut." He punctuated that with a smack to Ivanov's ass.

"Fuck," Ivanov moaned. "Fuuuck."

Yuri finally heard the clink of Kasharik's belt buckle. He was surprised it had taken so long, but perhaps he was trying to savor the experience. Surely even he would have trouble finding another fighter at Yuri's skill level who would agree to go right from a match to sex. Even though he wasn't usually a fan of a fair fight, he did like watching Yuri work someone over, and that lasted longer when they could fight back.

Yuri bent over, pressing himself against Ivanov's back. He wrapped one hand around the front of Ivanov's neck, fingers slipping between his collar and his skin, and kept it there. He could feel Ivanov's thundering pulse under his thumb, even through the harsh panting of his breath. Into Ivanov's ear, he murmured, "Not often milord's got a personal sex show with a woman involved."

Ivanov shivered again. "Please," he said. "Please."

"Please what?" Yuri asked, grinding his hips into Ivanov's ass.

"I don't know," Ivanov moaned.

"I think you do," Kasharik said.

Ivanov moaned again. "Say it again," he said.

Yuri grunted. "Slut," he said on his next thrust. "Slutty little girl," he said as he pulled back. Ivanov moaned. "Made for taking cock," Yuri went on. He thrusted back in, making Ivanov gasp. "For real men to use." Ivanov whined, practically keening. "You put up a good fight," Yuri said into his ear, "but you wanted this."

"No," Ivanov said. "No, I didn't know, I didn't think--I didn't know!" He practically sobbed, "Blood!"

It didn't take much more to finish them both off. Yuri growled into Ivanov's ear when he was close to coming, "Take it like a good girl," which made Ivanov spasm, which in turn pushed Yuri over the edge.

Ivanov didn't say anything more coherent or complicated than, "Oh oh oh oh!" Yuri barely had to tug on his dick before he was coming all over Yuri's hand and the floor.

Yuri pulled out and collapsed onto the floor next to Ivanov, breathing heavily. He glanced at Kasharik, to make sure he didn't expect anything else from Yuri, but Kasharik didn't even have his eyes open, jerking himself furiously, bottom lip caught between his teeth.

Ivanov rolled onto his back, away from Yuri. The tip of his dick still glistened with liquid, like some of his come had gotten held up somewhere and missed the main event. His shirt was soaked with sweat under his arms and down his chest, making it stick to him, following the contours of his body. He looked perfectly masculine, in a rather appealing way if Yuri was honest, but it wasn't hard to imagine him with small breasts laid over his pectorals. That was appealing, too.

Kasharik made the little grunt he usually made when he was coming, which meant he'd continue talking in a moment. Yuri pulled his trousers up and started tucking everything back into place.

"Well," Ivanov said, staring at the ceiling. "I mean, I coulda used the five hundred bucks, but I guess startling personal revelations are good too."

"Did you really not know?" Kasharik asked, pulling out his handkerchief to wipe clean his dick and hands. "I was honestly shocked you seemed so sincere about not being interested in men. It looked like a classic case of over-compensation to me."

"Oh, thanks," Ivanov muttered.

"Admittedly," Kasharik went on, folding over his handkerchief, "I don't often run into transsexuals who don't know."

"Great," Ivanov said. "Not only am I a freak, I'm a stupid freak."

"It's not stupidity so much as ignorance," Kasharik said. "I suppose plenty of people on our backwards little planet are unaware there are options that might suit them better."

"I'm pretty sure 'girl' is an option I've been aware of," Ivanov said. He scrubbed his hands over his face. "Fuck."

"Happy to help," Kasharik said, sounding amused. As he stood up, stretching his arms over his head, he said, "Arevin, will you see our guest safely home? And put my living room back in some kind of order."

"Yes, sir," Yuri said, and Kasharik went into his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Ivanov was less helpful restoring the living room to its prior function than he had been clearing it for a fight. He was slow getting dressed, and moved carefully. Well, Yuri hadn't gone easy on him, and it didn't seem like he had experience bottoming. Plus, he had gone through a tournament's final rounds before Yuri even met him that evening. Rolling out Kasharik's rug and pulling furniture back into its approximate former location alone wasn't so strenuous that Yuri missed the help.

"Bathroom's the first door on the right, if you want to clean up before we leave," Yuri told Ivanov, as he buttoned up his shirt.

"Yeah, I guess that's a good idea," Ivanov said. "Don't really want to worry about whether I'm feeling jizz or blood in my drawers."

Yuri frowned. "There shouldn't be active bleeding," he said.

"No shit," Ivanov said, rolling his eyes, "but I can damn well feel there's gonna be some blood, and it'll be easier to tell if it's fresh or not if I clean up." As he stood up, he blushed a little, and added, "Don't take it as a complaint."

Yuri hadn't been in much doubt as to whether or not Ivanov enjoyed himself, but it was nice to hear he wasn't reconsidering it now. "Noted," he said.

While Ivanov was in the bathroom, Yuri took Kasharik's discarded handkerchief to the kitchen sink to rinse it out. He hadn't explicitly asked for that, but Yuri figured it fell under the remit of putting the living room back in order. Kasharik didn't always seem to remember he didn't have servants, living in his city apartment instead of Kasharik House. There was a cleaning service, but Yuri felt like it might be weird to have them clean up after sex stuff like this. Sometimes when Kasharik had a boyfriend, he explicitly had them do it, but without one, it fell to Yuri.

Ivanov came back from the bathroom as Yuri was wringing the excess water out of Kasharik's handkerchief. Yuri draped it over the edge of the sink to dry, then turned out all the lights before they left.

Ivanov told Yuri which dormitory he was in, but was otherwise quiet on the walk to the tram. It wasn't until they got on the tram, empty except for them, and sat down near the door that Ivanov asked Yuri, "So was all that just dirty talk, or did you mean any of it?"

"Which part?" Yuri asked.

"Shit, I don't know," Ivanov said. After a moment, he said, "I sure hope you didn't mean the part where you said all I was good for was taking cock."

"I don't think that's true of anyone," Yuri said. His mama and the other women who raised him would have smacked him if he believed otherwise. "Even whores got hobbies."

Ivanov laughed. "Yeah, good," he said. He glanced at Yuri sidelong. "How about some of the other things, though? Like, would you…really still like a woman with a dick?"

Yuri shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

"And you'd just…believe her, even if she didn't have the surgeries and everything yet?"

Even Yuri could tell Ivanov was fishing. Again, he found it more cute than annoying. "That's how galactics do it," Yuri said. "And I mean, I don't know how she feels. If someone says they're a woman, I don't see why I shouldn't believe her."

Ivanov did not have any immediate response to that. Yuri wasn't terribly surprised; he probably needed time to reconsider things. They actually made it to their stop and off the tram before Ivanov asked, "You've never had a girlfriend?"

Yuri snorted. "Most of the times I've gotten laid were because Kasharik thought it would be funny," he said. That was a simplification, but he was sure that was how it started. "No one's ever wanted to date me, female or otherwise." 

"Guess that explains it," Ivanov said.

"Explains what?" Yuri asked.

Ivanov looked over at him and said, "That whole time wrecking my ass and rearranging my world, and you never kissed me once."

Yuri blinked. No one had ever suggested he kiss them, or made any move to kiss him. He said, "I've never done that before."

"Well I've never fucked someone without kissing them before," Ivanov said, stepping in front of Yuri, cutting him off and making him stop. "And of the two of us, I think I've had enough novel experiences for one night. Fucking kiss me."

Bemused, Yuri set his hands on Ivanov's shoulders, leaned in, and kissed him. Ivanov made a noise against Yuri's lips, then brought his hands up to Yuri's waist. When Yuri pulled away, Ivanov opened his eyes and looked at him for a moment. He had short but thick eyelashes. After a moment, Ivanov said, "Fuck." He turned around, and brought his fists down on his thighs as he shouted, "Fuck!"

"Sorry," Yuri muttered. He wasn't that bad at kissing, was he? What was there to screw up?

Ivanov turned back to him. "It's not you," he said. "You're actually--blood, kind of sexy, really." Literally no one had ever said that about Yuri before. Ivanov did look embarrassed to have said it. He went on, "That's the fucking problem, though, isn't it? I thought my whole life--blood and bone. I mean, how did I miss this?"

Oh, he was still upset about the whole…gender and sexuality thing. Of course, that made sense. Yuri said, "I did kind of think people always knew, since they were kids."

"Right," Ivanov said, nodding fervently. "Right, so did I, and I was never, like, longing to wear dresses or anything. I guess I wasn't mad about it when the neighbor girls made me play dress-up with them? Would a real boy have been upset about that? I don't know." He shook his head.

Yuri couldn't remember feeling one way or the other about dresses as a child. But then, he hadn't had a very ordinary childhood. "You seem very sure about it, considering," Yuri said.

Ivanov shrugged. "I don't think I've ever wanted anything as much as I wanted it when you said I could be your woman," he said, only looking a little embarrassed. "This whole fucking--alternate life fucking appeared in my head, fully-formed, like if I could have dinner waiting on the table when you got home, you'd nail me afterwards, and then we could shower together and watch a vid on the couch, and fucking--like, I never thought about that with any of my girlfriends, ever, but you put your twice-damned fingers in my asshole and I was ready to marry you. I mean, what the hell is that?"

Yuri shrugged. "Endorphin rush from the fighting?" he suggested.

Ivanov snorted. "You think I never lost a fight before? Sure, alright, I wasn't that surprised to get kind of horny about it, but the fucking home-maker fantasy sure as hell ain't something I experienced before." He put one of his hands in Yuri's. "Kiss me again?"

Yuri saw no reason not to, so he kissed him again. This kiss went on longer, until Ivanov's arms were wrapped around Yuri's shoulders and Yuri was clutching him around the waist. He wasn't entirely clear on how that happened, except it was very pleasant. Eventually Ivanov pulled back, resting his forehead against Yuri's. "Fuuuck," he groaned. "I think I musta had it backwards. I think I was into guys like you and wanted to be like the girls I dated. Blood and bone." He shook his head.

"Can we do this again?" Yuri asked, before he could think better of it.

"What, make out in the street?" Ivanov asked. "Hell yeah."

"No," Yuri said. "I mean, yes, that too. But, uh. The rest of it. Drinks and sex and talking."

Ivanov smiled. "Are you asking me out?" he asked.

"Yes," Yuri said, relieved. Right, this was a thing people did, he had a framework to draw upon. "Yes, exactly," he said. "Would you go on a date with me?"

Ivanov laughed. "You've got a terrible grasp of romance," he said, though he was still grinning, and rubbed his nose against Yuri's as he said it. "Yeah, why not. Leave your knob boyfriend out of it, though."

Yuri's stomach twisted unpleasantly. That wasn't entirely up to him. Kasharik was generous, but demanding. "Sure," he said, sounding much more confident than he felt.

"Great," Ivanov said, and leaned in to kiss him again.

*

Later that week, Kasharik said something about his plans for the evening. As he usually did, he said 'we' when he talked about it, including Yuri automatically.

"Uh, sorry, my lord," Yuri said. "I've got plans."

Kasharik turned to him and raised one aristocratic eyebrow. "You've got plans?" he asked, disbelief dripping from every word.

"Yes, sir," Yuri said.

Kasharik stared at him for a moment. "Fine," he said. "You've got plans. I suppose I can keep myself entertained."

Yuri had a bad feeling about how easily that went.

*

Yuri met Ivanov at the other exit from HQ, which most of the enlisted men used. They were going to get dinner, then go back to Yuri's quarters. Yuri had been willing to leave that part implied, but Ivanov told him when they made the date that he had three roommates so it should probably be Yuri's place afterwards. Then Ivanov added that he wasn't sure he'd be physically fit for more penetration just yet, but he'd be happy to explore the other available options.

On the walk to the restaurant--chosen for being unlikely to harbor either Kasharik or any of Ivanov's immediate squadmates--Ivanov said, "You realize I can't just--tell everyone. I wouldn't have a bloody job if I did."

Yuri nodded. The Imperial Service just about tolerated homosexuality, as long as you didn't draw too much attention to it at the wrong time, but women weren't allowed in anything but the Aux Corps. Any of Ivanov's superiors finding out he was transsexual would either mean dishonorable discharge or a retroactive stripping of rank. He'd lose his job and all his benefits, and probably be outed to every government branch there was.

After a few moments of apparent waiting, Ivanov said, "So this is going to make you look gay."

Oh, Yuri thought. He wanted to know what Yuri thought about that, if it would bother him. "It's not exactly secret how much time I spend with Kasharik," he said.

"Right," Ivanov said. "I suppose it ain't new for you, then."

Ivanov had been very concerned the other night about making sure Kasharik understood he wasn't queer. Yuri asked, "Is that a problem for you?"

Ivanov shrugged. "Don't think so," he said. "I mean, ain't no one gonna beat me up over it." He glanced at Yuri sidelong, smirking. "'Cept maybe you," he said. "And I know it ain't like that. I mean, it might be a little annoying, but I'd rather not dance around it, you know? I got no practice being discreet anyway."

"Good," Yuri said, then grabbed his hand.

"You fucking sap," Ivanov muttered, even as he squeezed Yuri's hand with his.

Feeling extremely self-conscious, Yuri made himself say, "I've never…dated. Anyone. It's nice."

"Bones, that's right," Ivanov muttered. He stopped, pulled Yuri to a stop, then yanked Yuri in so he could wrap his arms around Yuri's waist. They were on a public street, and it was broad daylight, not after midnight. Even with Ivanov saying he'd rather not attempt to hide it, Yuri was surprised to find him being so forward. "You be as sappy and romantic as you want, then," Ivanov said quietly, before leaning in to kiss him.

Oh, Yuri liked kissing even when he wasn't buoyed by the afterglow of the most satisfying sex he'd ever had. He really liked it.

Ivanov finally pulled back, but not entirely, just from the kiss. Quietly, he said, "I've only ever done this the other way around. So you gotta forgive me if I don't do it right." He smiled. "I guess we gotta forgive each other if we don't do it right."

"Yes," Yuri said. He leaned in to press another kiss to Ivanov's lips. "I'd like that."

"Shit," Ivanov said, smiling wider, "you got no right being so cute with such an un-cute face."

"You can say ugly," Yuri said, rolling his eyes. "I know what I look like."

"And I know what you look like naked," Ivanov said, which was not strictly true, "which brings up your score a bit." He leaned in to give Yuri another quick kiss. 

Yuri had never considered the idea of a man's body improving his average attractiveness, although obviously he was familiar with the idea from the brothel. Girls no better than plain could command as much as the most beautiful if they had good enough tits and asses. Yuri was pretty fit, even by military standards. Thinking about it, he supposed it made sense. To Ivanov, who still had his arms wrapped around Yuri's waist, he said, "You adapted to finding men attractive fast."

Ivanov shrugged. "Maybe you just did too good a job fucking me to ignore," he said.

"I'm sorry to say it was mostly incidental," Yuri said.

Ivanov grinned. "Guess you'll have to do it more on purpose next time."

*

Ivanov took the lead when they got back to Yuri's place, which was a little weird. Not a terribly feminine trait, but maybe that was on Yuri for thinking someone's whole personality would change with their gender. Yuri was used to taking orders, though, and it was certainly more fun when those directions were conveyed by Ivanov pressing against him, whispering in his ear, or grabbing the part of Yuri he wanted doing something.

Which was how Yuri found himself experiencing well after his first sexual experience his first "make-out session". It wasn't quite as stimulating as beating the hell out of each other, but he supposed it was safer. And he did enjoy kissing Ivanov, getting to touch him as much as he wanted, and feeling Ivanov get hard against him without complaining about it.

After a while, he did feel like he'd go insane if he didn't get to get off, though. Yuri finally said, "Please, can we just…."

Ivanov laughed, and unzipped Yuri's trousers. "That's a lot more polite than last time," he said, pulling Yuri's briefs down and out of the way.

"It seemed like you wanted to go slower," Yuri said. "Which is fine." His breath caught as Ivanov's hand wrapped around his cock.

"But you don't wanna blow your load in your pants, I get it," Ivanov said. He glanced down at Yuri's cock. "That's less weird than I thought it'd be," he said. "Sergei's bones, you put this monster in my asshole? No wonder it still fucking hurts."

"I can go slower next time," Yuri said. Then he realized that was maybe presuming too much. "Uh, if you want."

Ivanov laughed, then leaned in and kissed him. "Yeah," he said when he pulled back, "I think I'll want you to be a little more careful next time." He gave Yuri's cock a slow, light stroke, teasing. "That's something you can get used to, right? So it's easier? Not that I didn't like the fight-to-fuck thing, but it'd be nice if it didn't totally wreck my ass for days."

"Yeah," Yuri said. "You can kind of make yourself relax if you concentrate, but it's easier with practice. Is this how you jerk yourself off?"

"No, but that ain't how I'd want sex to be," Ivanov said, grinning at him. "You fucked me out of a closet I didn't even know was in the bloody house last time," he said, "I'd like to at least drive you a little crazy."

"You are," Yuri said, and Ivanov laughed. He stopped teasing Yuri's cock long enough to spit in his palm, then leaned in to kiss Yuri some more while he jerked him off. Yuri felt light-headed from getting kissed and a hand-job at the same time.

Growing up in a brothel had affected Yuri in a lot of ways, probably, but one of the ones he'd noticed as soon as he started sharing rooms with other guys was that no one else seemed to have lube. Someone in the barracks at his first training camp had suggested merely having lube instead of lotion or oil was a sign someone was gay. Yuri had been baffled by that, and apparently was convincing enough that the homophobe in question had backed off. Yuri didn't think he'd have to explain to a bunch of horny seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds that actual purpose-designed lubricant felt and worked better than whatever lotion or oil they stole from their family medicine chest. He wasn't even bothering then with the fancy off-world shit, just the lube the brothel bought in bulk that was made from seaweed or something; one of the only native Kavagoran agricultural products that wasn't derived from introduced Earth species.

So when Yuri told Ivanov to hang on for a second, and rolled over to get his lube out of the bedside table drawer, he wasn't surprised to hear Ivanov chuckle.

"You're too good for regular lotion, huh?" Ivanov asked. "Or does Kasharik bring folks 'round your place?"

"Real lube is better and cheaper than lotion," Yuri said, just as he'd gotten used to saying in every barracks he'd slept in. "Kasharik's never been past the front door. Get out your dick."

"Yes, sir," Ivanov said, wriggling out of his trousers and underwear entirely. Yuri paused to do the same, shoving his trousers down until he could shake them off his legs. He rolled over and straddled Ivanov, pressing their dicks right up against each other. Yuri had never done this on purpose, as an end to itself, but he figured it felt good enough to give it a shot.

He doused his hand in lube, then wrapped it around as much of both of their cocks as he could manage. Ivanov jerked up against him.

"Oh, yeah, all right," Ivanov breathed, "that does feel better."

"Lasts longer, too," Yuri said, barely resisting the urge to just start rutting up against him. He used his other hand to spread the lube more evenly around the other side, before Ivanov's hand joined his.

"I know you called yourself ugly earlier," Ivanov said, looking up at him, "but you oughta know you sitting on my lap jerking both of us off is one of the hottest things I've ever seen."

Yuri knew he shouldn't disagree, but he couldn't quite bring himself to believe it, either. Ivanov's breathless voice and rock-hard cock made it difficult to discount entirely, however. So Yuri just said, "Good."

"Sticks, I'd like you in me again, though," Ivanov said, even as he rocked up against Yuri. "I did like feeling used like that."

"I bet you did," Yuri said. "Slut." Ivanov shivered. "Pretty little slut." He braced himself against the wall with one hand so he could bend over and kiss Ivanov some more, trapping their hands as well as their dicks between their bodies. "That's my girl," he murmured against Ivanov's lips. "Dirty, slutty little girl."

Ivanov moaned and panted, his hips bucking up helplessly, squashing Yuri's fingers against his abdomen. Yuri stopped kissing him momentarily to extract his hand from between them, then settled more fully on top of Ivanov. The weight of his body worked fine to rub their now-lubricated cocks against each other. When Ivanov withdrew his hand, they wound up more next to each other than on top of each other, but that was fine, they were still pressed together. Yuri rolled his hips, rubbing his cock against Ivanov's and Ivanov's abdomen. Ivanov put his slippery hand on the back of Yuri's neck, holding him there. As if there was anywhere else Yuri would want to be.

"My pretty girl," Yuri said. Ivanov was pretty, especially all flushed and panting like this. His eyelashes were so thick. His cock was so hot between them. "Precious, slutty, dirty girl."

"Blood, yes," Ivanov moaned.

Yuri was too turned on to think of anything else. His cock felt so good, sliding against Ivanov's skin, next to Ivanov's cock. It almost felt more intimate than having his cock inside someone's body. He had Ivanov trapped, his legs pinned in by Yuri's, and his body covered with Yuri's. His cock rubbed against Yuri's groin, popping over as if to kiss Yuri's cock once he was on the back-stroke.

"Please," Ivanov tried to murmur, even as he kissed Yuri's lips. "Please, use me, mark me, make me your woman."

"Uh huh," Yuri said. "Mine. My woman, my slutty, pretty woman."

Ivanov came first time this time, if such a small distinction mattered when it was the feel of his cock pulsing against Yuri's that set him off. Yuri sagged on top of him. Ivanov laughed, and kissed him, grinning. Yuri didn't usually feel like he had the right to lie atop the people he fucked after they finished. He thought Ivanov wouldn't begrudge it.

"Bones, you're heavy," Ivanov grumbled, although he still had both his arms wrapped around Yuri.

After a few moments, Yuri sighed, and rolled off of him, onto his back, so he could finally straighten out his legs.

They lay there in silence a few more moments. Then Ivanov said, "So sex is always that good, huh?"

It had been very nice, but Yuri didn't know that that was the hottest sex he'd ever had. He felt less weird about it in the aftermath, less used, but it hadn't been a profoundly erotic experience or anything. The more noteworthy part for him had been the kissing, which Ivanov had seemed to expect as a matter of course. Yuri asked, "Has it not been before?"

Ivanov laughed. "I guess not," he said. "I kinda thought the reason other guys seemed to be having a better time fucking girls than me was they that were selfish lovers, you know? Like if you made sure a girl had a nice time, it was less fun for you."

"I don't think that's how it's supposed to work," Yuri said. Certainly some johns acted that way, but the girls had negative opinions of that. "I guess I've been with fewer women than you?" he added, because that sure sounded like it was the case.

"Yeah, I don't think that makes a difference," Ivanov said. "In this, anyway. Fucking hell." He rolled over, propped himself up on one elbow, and leaned over to kiss Yuri again. He ran his still-slippery hand down Yuri's chest, then back up, rubbing all of Yuri's chest hair the wrong way and making it stick up. When he pulled back, he asked, "You gonna be up to go again tonight?"

"I can keep going until you're done," Yuri said.

Ivanov smirked. "Yeah?" he asked. "What about a little bit longer than that?"

"In that case," Yuri said, resting his hand on top of Ivanov's on his chest, "I can keep going until you're begging me to stop."

Ivanov shivered. "I don't know if I'm up to try that tonight, but keep it in your back pocket," he said, blushing pink, his voice husky. "Sticks."

Yuri had intended to clean up some before seeing if Ivanov was interested in another round, but he couldn't resist pulling him down into a kiss, and from there, it turned out he didn't have the willpower to hold back with a willing partner.

*

Ivanov was a similar kind of mean-funny to Kasharik, but less targeted. He was self-deprecating as often as he was insulting to others, and Yuri never got the feeling he meant it, the way some people did. The way Kasharik usually did. It was like finally being included in the barracks-room banter, only the filth was directed at Yuri, and not some passing woman.

He could carry a conversation without much help from Yuri, which was good, but he also wasn't insensible to Yuri's opinion. He seemed good at reading Yuri's expressions from the jump, and only got better with time. Even when he misread them, though, he had a way of continuing the conversation as though he'd gotten a response that could carry them through a good while. 

He was extremely touchy-feely, compared to anyone else Yuri spent time with. Some of that was dating, Yuri was sure, but some of it was just the way he was with everyone. He often patted people on the shoulder or nudged them with his elbow. He seemed to flirt with women automatically, which Yuri perhaps should have been more upset about, but mostly found amusing. Ivanov really did come off as feminine in those interactions; Yuri wasn't surprised people assumed he was gay, but he didn't understand how no one before Kasharikhad ever suggested Ivanov might be better suited to womanhood. 

The first time he flirted with a woman while they were on a date, Ivanov was mortified. "Blood, I'm sorry," he said to Yuri as soon as he realized. "I wasn't even--shit."

Yuri asked him, "Would you rather be on a date with her?"

Ivanov blushed. "No, of course not," he said. "To tell the truth, I--don't know that I was ever really into girls."

"Really?" Yuri asked. He supposed Ivanov had said something to that effect, the first time they kissed.

"Yeah, turns out there are other reasons to constantly think about girls and how pretty they are," Ivanov said, circumspect since they were in a public restaurant. He was rosy-cheeked, though. He went on, "And I, uh, got things backward."

Yuri couldn't imagine confusing attraction with envy, but he also didn't entirely understand why or how other guys were so opposed to fucking other guys. Sex was sex, and Yuri hadn't found it to make much of a difference who was sucking his cock or why. He liked women more, or at least more often, but it also wasn't exactly safe to go around evaluating the attractiveness of other men. He didn't exactly have any trouble understanding why Kasharik liked a fellow, or what someone might see in Kasharik.

"Sorry," Ivanov repeated, reaching across the table for Yuri's hand.

"It's fine," Yuri said, but he did put his hand in Ivanov's.

The next time it happened, Ivanov swore at himself. "Bloody reflex. Yuri, I swear I don't mean nothing by it."

"I know," Yuri said. He thought the woman Ivanov had been flirting with knew it too; she'd glanced at Yuri, amused, before flirting back. Yuri figured that meant she'd noticed they were on a date.

Anyway, it was easier for Yuri to be okay with it when Ivanov was so affectionate with him. He hadn't really expected to be holding hands or getting cuddled and kissed in relative public. He felt as if no one else had ever liked him so much.

It would have been understandable for Ivanov not to be so cuddly in public. It wasn't like they didn't get dirty looks. But Ivanov only shrugged when Yuri asked if he was worried about strangers thinking they were gay. 

"What are they gonna do?" he asked. "They ain't gonna beat us up. I bet most of 'em won't even have the guts to catcall us."

And they hadn't. Yuri caught more of the dirty looks than Ivanov did, because Yuri doubted Ivanov would have been able to avoid picking a fight if he saw some of the more disgusted looks. Ivanov was hot-headed; he couldn't keep his mouth shut when people talked shit around him. Yuri thought there was a good chance that was why Ivanov had learned to fight in the first place. But overall, there was less pushback than Yuri thought there'd be. Maybe his looks explained that, or maybe Ivanov didn't look noteworthy on Yuri's arm. Maybe they looked right together. Or maybe they didn't look stereotypical enough for most people to even notice they were on dates.

*

It was their fourth date in less than two weeks (was that a lot? was that normal? Ivanov didn't seem to be doing anything other than working and going home, which was all Yuri was doing) when Ivanov said he was ready for Yuri to fuck him in the ass again.

"Yeah?" Yuri asked. "You sure?"

"Didn't hurt none when I fingered myself last night," Ivanov said, then grinned at Yuri. "Weren't half as good as if you'd been doing it, I'm sure."

Fingering was probably the thing Yuri had the least practice with, since he'd been mostly fucking people for Kasharik. He'd done it, but only so it wouldn't hurt so much when he fucked them. He suspected he'd have far more patience for it with Ivanov wriggling and swearing at him. If only there was some way to leverage the power of Ivanov getting turned on about it to make everything Yuri found boring or tedious easier.

Neither of them had done anything about getting Ivanov women's clothing. Yuri did long to see him in a skirt, if only because it wouldn't need to be removed before they could fuck, but he didn't know the first thing about sizes in women's clothing and he knew without asking that Ivanov would be too self-conscious to go shopping with him, even if they pretended it was for someone else and Ivanov didn't get to try things on.

Still, there was something about kneeling between Ivanov's spread legs, working his fingers in and out, that felt distinctly…heterosexual. Even though Ivanov's cock was sticking straight up and bouncing every time he bucked his hips up.

Yuri reached up with his free hand and groped Ivanov's chest as if he did have tits. Ivanov let out a shaky, "Haah."

"I can hardly wait to get my cock in you again," Yuri said, squeezing Ivanov's flat chest as he thrust his fingers in hard.

"Fuck!" Ivanov's hips jerked up again, setting his cock bouncing and swaying. "Can you--please say it?"

"Say what?" Yuri asked. Ivanov kicked him, so he chuckled. "Oh, you want to hear what a good girl you are? How you're spreading your legs for me? A slutty little girl desperate for cock?"

"Bones, Yuri, please," Ivanov panted.

Yuri paused to consider before he said the next part, but decided fuck it, Ivanov was game to try things out and tell him they didn't work. He asked, "You want my cock in your pussy?"

Ivanov laughed. "I fucking wish," he said. "Bones and all, I fucking wish. But don't act like that's what my ass is."

"No good, then?"

"It's fucking absurd," Ivanov said. "I mean, if I had a cunt, I'd still have an asshole you could fuck. And you probably would, you sadistic bastard."

Yuri smiled, and bent down to kiss Ivanov's stomach. "That'd be fun," he murmured. "I bet you'd beg for me to put it in the right hole."

"I'll beg now if it'll hurry you the fuck up," Ivanov said, but Yuri could hear perfectly well that he was smiling.

"Promise?" Yuri growled, mostly for the way he knew it would make Ivanov shiver.

Ivanov shivered.

It took enough work and concentration to keep Ivanov interested but on the edge that Yuri was in no danger of going off too soon. Still, when he finally hitched Ivanov's thighs over his own so he could line up his cock, he had to pause as soon as he got the head in. Ivanov's loud, full-throated moan didn't help keep him from getting too worked up, either.

After a moment's stillness, Ivanov lifted his head to glare at Yuri. "What's the hold-up?" he demanded.

Yuri huffed a laugh. "Baby girl," he said, and felt the pleased clench of Ivanov's body around his cock, "you're still so tight."

"Oh," Ivanov breathed, eyelids drooping. "You're trying not to blow your load, huh? It's that good?"

"You're that good," Yuri said, feeling silly but meaning it with his entire being.

Ivanov giggled, and Yuri would have married her if he could.

*

It was only a few days later that one of Ivanov's roommates caught them necking outside the building. Yuri froze, not sure what to do, but Ivanov called out, "This ain't a free show, Alexei! Go inside!"

"You're not even worried about your roommates?" Yuri asked after Alexei had moved on.

"They all know I could take 'em," Ivanov said dismissively. "I, uh, was wondering, though," Ivanov went on, not quite making eye contact. "If we might be at the going steady phase of things. In which case I think I'd rather be your sweetie, since I can't really be your girlfriend and I really don't want to be your…." She looked back at Yuri finally. "If that's something you're interested in."

"Yes, sweetheart," Yuri breathed. He kissed her.

"Fuck," Ivanov murmured, smiling against Yuri's lips.

*

Ivanov (she damn well wasn't keeping the name "Yosif" as a woman, but she hadn't picked a new one out yet; she'd still be an Ivanov even as a woman, so it would have to do for now) stepped into the apartment, pretty much walking on air. She had a boyfriend. She had a boyfriend! Blood and bone, she should've realized sooner she wasn't actually into women, she'd never been this bloody happy about a girl going out with her.

She bent down to yank her boots off, then hung her coat up on the open hook. When she stepped around the corner, all three of her roommates were gathered in the living room, piled onto one couch, staring at her.

She sighed. At least she could get it over with all at once, she thought.

"So," Alexei said. "Who's the guy, Yosif?"

"Whatever happened to 'I'm not into men, stop asking'?" Nikita asked.

"Were you really just making out with another man right in the open?" Damir asked.

"You're like a bunch of old aunties," Ivanov said, rolling her eyes. "His name's Yuri, he's my boyfriend, and it turns out no one ever asked the right questions. Ya old biddies."

"Your boyfriend?" Damir demanded.

Alexei, meanwhile, whipped the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around his head, old countrywoman style. In a high-pitched voice, he said, "I hope you're not letting him take any liberties, young man!"

"If I hadn't let him take liberties, I wouldn'ta known I was wrong about liking men," Ivanov said. She collapsed into the free chair, propping her feet up on the coffee table. "Turns out I was tired of always being the big, strong one."

"Ah," Nikita said, nodding, as Damir sputtered. "'Swhy you could make out right in the open. Anyone fucks with the two of you, they're dead."

"Pretty much," Ivanov said.

Alexei, still with the blanket draped over his head, said, "So he's not one of those guys that looks tough but is actually a pushover."

Ivanov laughed again. "The day I won the UAC tourney, he wiped the floor with me," she said. In a manner of speaking, but that was detail her friends did not need. "Though I am also half-expecting poetry at some point."

"So a little softer than your usual type," Alexei said.

"Shut the fuck up," Ivanov said, grinning. She had gone for pretty strong-willed women; delicate flowers of any gender had never really interested her.

"And why haven't you talked about him before?" Nikita asked. "Usually you won't shut up about your new sweethearts."

Damir punched him in the arm. "Why do you think?" he asked.

Ivanov shrugged. "I wouldn't want to have this whole stone-sworn conversation if it was just a few fucks," he said. "Now we're going steady, it seems worth the effort."

Alexei made an offended noise. "An effort?" he asked. "To tell us? Your best friends? That you are, in fact, not not-gay?"

"Hm," Ivanov said. She rubbed her chin, reflecting that she'd need to shave tomorrow. "I guess I coulda mentioned that sooner. Pretty sure about that one." She shrugged. "Turns out I'm only into guys, I'm just picky."

"You are fucking kidding me," Nikita said.

"Yosif!" Damir exclaimed. "Really?"

"Do you remember our first year," Ivanov asked, "when I said you were all making way too big a deal about how good sex was?"

"Emperor's bones," Alexei said, dropping his head. "You're kidding."

"Look on the bright side, you were right," Ivanov said. "I was doing something wrong."

"For Mad Ivan's sake," Damir said.

"So does that mean you're the one getting it up the ass?" Alexei asked. The blanket slid down around his shoulders as he looked up.

"That ain't any of your business," Ivanov said, "but yes."

"It's better than it sounds," Nikita said. Everyone turned to look at him, instead of Ivanov. "What? Sofia used to put her fingers up there when she was sucking me off. You try telling Sofia Dryden something's too gay for her to do to you."

"I'm pretty sure with tits that size, you can safely say it ain't gay even if she fucks you with a strap-on," Ivanov said. An arresting image to be sure, but maybe not for the reasons she would have thought a few weeks ago.

"How'd you meet him?" Damir asked. "Lexei said he didn't recognize him."

Ivanov laughed again. "I bet he woulda, if the light was better," she said. "He's Kasharik's pet sergeant."

"Kasharik's pet--sticks, Yosif, that guy's butt-ugly," Damir said.

Ivanov shrugged. "You ever see him take his shirt off, you'll get it," he said. "He's fucking built."

"Like it would matter what he looks like when he can beat you in the ring," Alexei said.

"And's good in bed," Nikita said, nodding. "Especially since Yosif's apparently been having shit sex all this time."

"It was fine," Ivanov protested, over the others' laughter. "It just wasn't good. For me. Pretty sure I made it good for the girls."

"Oh, well," Alexei said. "As long as one of you was having fun." He shook his head.

"So he's a sergeant?" Damir said. "I guess that's a respectable non-com you could take home to your folks."

"Yeah, but isn't he attached to Kasharik at the hip?" Nikita asked. "That's…." He glanced at Ivanov. Even in their own apartment, it seemed risky to be more explicit.

"Not ideal," Ivanov agreed. Kashariks were well-known to be a pack of maniacs, even more so than other knobs. Even the other knobs thought they were distasteful, so you knew they were bad. Boris Kasharik was pretty, and apparently insightful, but Ivanov was aware his whims were fickle. She went on, "He introduced us, but I wouldn't wanna rely on his good nature, that's for sure."

"Have you told your parents?" Damir asked.

Ivanov blew a raspberry. "Of course not," she said. "I don't know when I'm gonna, either. I mean, I like Yuri, but I do feel like he might actually be the worst first boyfriend to take home to Ma and Pa."

"What, you don't think your parents want a big, strong man to take care of their baby boy?" Alexei asked. "And a sergeant! Older man, too, I assume. There's uniform hunters would be envious."

"I think Pa might have a bloody coronary," Ivanov said, chuckling. "Or else just ignore it, you know? Full denial."

"It's so nice of you to share your bed wth your friend, Yosif," Alexei said, again putting on a high-pitched voice, for some reason.

"Anyway, that's probably something to worry about when we've been dating longer than half an hour," Ivanov said.

"Oh, you just made it official," Nikita said. "Like, right now."

"After I told Alexei to fuck off," Ivanov agreed.

"I guess I should retract my complaint about you not telling us sooner, damn," Alexei said. "That's as fast as anyone could tell anyone."

"Pretty much," Ivanov said.

*

"So now we're going steady," Ivanov said, "maybe it won't sound too patronizing if I ask, uh. I mean, you do know Kasharik's bad news, right?"

"He's not that bad," Yuri said.

"Oh sticks," Ivanov muttered, rolling her eyes. "He's a creep and you know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. And I know I don't have no proof he's worse than a creep, but I got a strong suspicion he's worse than that."

"People aren't kind about openly gay men," Yuri said.

Ivanov kicked him under the table, hard. "How many openly gay men are out on the town telling their boyfriends to bend over for a stranger if they don't want to get dumped?" she asked. "Yeah, maybe not just him, but I wouldn't feel too safe around those other guys either."

"He has some questionable tastes," Yuri allowed. "But so do I. So do you."

"Babe," Ivanov said, which made Yuri's chest feel warm and fuzzy despite the conversation topic, "my questionable tastes don't threaten anyone with insubordination or social suicide. You been working with him, what, two years now? You must've noticed he's a dick in a pretty specific way."

"He's not dangerous," Yuri said. After a moment, he reconsidered. "Usually."

"That is not the kind of qualification you gotta make about a safe person," Ivanov said. "You have to know that."

Yuri thought back to how his stomach twisted when Ivanov asked him to keep Kasharik out of their dates, and how certain he'd been that would be a problem. "Maybe," he said. "But I am spending less time with him, now."

"Yeah, well," Ivanov said, smiling. "That ain't the main reason I went out with you, but it's a happy side effect, as far as I'm concerned." She reached across the table for his hand, and Yuri gave it to her. "I just, he's a knobby knob, you know? Seems like he might be possessive." She squeezed his hand. "Which I take issue with."

"Please don't try to fight Lord Kasharik for my hand," Yuri said. Ivanov laughed, as Yuri had intended her to.

*

Yuri had started out kind of expecting Ivanov to drop him at some point, maybe after she could be out to more people, but he was less and less sure of that every day. Ivanov not only really liked getting plowed by him, she seemed to have a good time on their dates. She laughed at Yuri's jokes, when Yuri thought to make them. She smiled at Yuri all the time. And then of course she asked if Yuri would go steady with her, even providing a substitution for misgendering her that wouldn't raise any eyebrows. Maybe Yuri wasn't experienced at the whole dating thing, but that didn't seem like something you suggested to someone you weren't actually interested in.

The sex was great, of course. It was never really like the first time, but as phenomenal as being able to transition right into fucking from a fight was, Yuri found it was unsurprisingly more rewarding to have sex with someone who wanted to have sex with him.

The simple facts that Ivanov got hard and clingy just from making out, that she obviously ogled Yuri's body when Yuri was undressed, and that she was eager to go on dates but by the end of them was just as eager to get Yuri into bed, were so, so nice. Even if the sex had been boring and vanilla, it would have been nice just for that, for feeling desirable. Everyone before Kasharik just wanted something from Yuri, and Kasharik's picks tended to be clearly doing it just to please Kasharik. Some of them had been humiliated by having sex with Yuri. As hot as that was, it was also kind of…degrading, perhaps. To have it happen all the time. That none of them wanted to have sex with him.

He'd sort of assumed that was how everyone would be about him. That he was ugly enough and uncharismatic enough that no one would ever want to have sex with him just for its own sake. But he had to admit Kasharik was unlikely to find that as interesting or fun as convincing people to let Yuri fuck them just to make him happy. And Ivanov wasn't some kind of especially-perverse freak; in most respects she was a normal woman.

Well. As much as a closeted transsexual woman on Kavagor could be.

Yuri had literally beaten Ivanov and forcibly stripped her, yet Ivanov didn't seem humiliated to be having sex with Yuri. Even that first time, she seemed more bothered by what it said about her than about Yuri. And she did it again, and again, and again. She was practically desperate for Yuri's skin against hers by the end of some of their dates. She yelped, hit Yuri, and called him names, but she also moaned like she'd never felt anything so good in her life, locked her ankles behind Yuri, and begged Yuri not to stop.

She was turned on by doing it rough. She liked to fight back a bit, which Yuri really enjoyed, but she also always reached a point where she was too into it to protest. She'd do anything Yuri asked her to at that point, which was the kind of thing Yuri didn't want Kasharik to ever find out about.

"Oh, fuck," Ivanov moaned into a pillow while Yuri humped her furiously. "Blood, Yuri," she said.

"You want it?" Yuri breathed into her ear. "Does my pretty little girl want to get filled up?"

Ivanov whined. "Yes," she said. "Yes, please, yes sir, yes, yes, yes."

"Say it," Yuri demanded.

Ivanov groaned. "Please," she said.

Yuri slipped one arm around Ivanov's neck, taking all his weight on the other arm. "Say it," he growled.

Ivanov whined again. "Please, I want to get filled up, I want you to come inside me, I want it, I like it, please, fill me up, pump me so full of come I get pregnant."

Objectively, that was ridiculous. Gender identity aside, Ivanov did not have the equipment to get pregnant. And Yuri was fucking her in the ass besides, which was not typically something that carried the risk of pregnancy. In the moment, though, it was the hottest thing Yuri had ever heard. He said, "Oh yes, pretty girl, I'm going to knock you up. I'm going to get you pregnant. Just fucking wait."

Ivanov gasped, "Yuri!" and started clenching around Yuri's cock.

"You want it so bad, don't you, sweetie?" Yuri asked. "It's like you're trying to milk it out of me, you slut."

"I am, I do, I want it," Ivanov said. "Blood, Yuri, please, please, I--Sergei's bones," she swore, as Yuri started coming. She said she couldn't feel it much in her ass, but she could certainly feel the way Yuri went taut, and Yuri knew his arm around Ivanov's neck had tightened.

Afterwards, Ivanov buried her face beneath a pillow. "Don't look at me," she said.

"Sweetheart?" Yuri asked.

"I'm fine, it's not you," Ivanov said, waving one hand in the air vaguely. "I'm just embarrassed. Bones."

"Ah," Yuri said.

"I mean, I can't even do that," Ivanov said, words muddied a little by the pillow. "I'm not sure I could do that if I moved to bloody Vilvinudes or Gnilles or something and got every surgery I could."

"Pretty sure you could," Yuri said. "Might take a while, but they can clone people for parts. Don't see why they couldn't clone you a womb."

"It's more I don't got nowhere to put it," Ivanov said, "though I guess most organs are squishy anyway. It's just--fucking embarrassing to get turned on by something I don't even want."

Yuri waited a few moments, but Ivanov didn't acknowledge the irony in that statement. Yuri felt he had to say, "Remind me how we met."

Ivanov kicked him. "Shut up," she said. "That's different. It's fucking normal to get turned on by having your gender affirmed. Or don't you like being my big, strong man?"

"I do," Yuri said. He liked it extra hard because Ivanov could hold her own against almost anyone else; being her big, strong man meant he was pretty damn big and strong. "But I promise it's also normal to get turned on by the idea of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant, whether or not you want kids."

"I never said I didn't want kids, I said I didn't want to be pregnant," Ivanov muttered. That was interesting, Yuri thought. "And that's--pregnancy is gross and dangerous. Galactic women don't even do it no more."

That wasn't entirely true, from what Yuri knew about artificial wombs, but he knew what she meant. Certainly women still died in childbirth quite often, which was much less of a concern on planets where they used artificial wombs. "Fair enough," he said.

Ivanov pushed the pillow off her face and rolled over to look at Yuri. "What d'you mean it's normal, anyway?" she asked. "How would you know?"

Yuri realized he'd never told Ivanov about his childhood. "I grew up in a brothel," he said. "Mama was a whore. Pretty common theme from the johns."

"Oh," Ivanov said. Thankfully, she didn't seem either surprised or disgusted. Yuri hadn't really thought she would, but it was always a possibility. "Yeah, all right, I guess you'd have a decent sample to draw from, then. Old Town?" Ivanov asked, and Yuri nodded. "You don't talk like it."

Yuri shrugged. "Makes things worse, usually," he said. "Recruiters thought it made me sound stupid."

"Sure," Ivanov said. "I won't pretend I don't talk a little more proper when I'm in uniform." She poked Yuri's side. "But I ain't gonna judge you for it."

"It's easier not to go back and forth," Yuri said.

"I s'pose," Ivanov said. She poked Yuri's side again. "It is part of why I thought you couldn't be that good in a fight, though."

Yuri thought about that for a moment. He said, "'S good tactics, then, innit?"

Ivanov burst into laughter. "Shut the fuck up," she said, shoving him.

[augusteinautumn]

Barbie spoilers

So I just finished watching the Barbie movie like 20 minutes ago and it made me realize I had a problem, process it, and come to a conclusion all within the 2 hour run time.

So something I had slowly started to become aware of is that people around me are starting to treat me like a guy. My 6th month on T is in a couple days and I’m just now starting to see the social consequence (which I realize is very early into transition, your results will vary. I have always had higher levels of testosterone since birth). But my voice is deep, I have a baby mustache and hairy ass legs. And people treat me like a guy -a very ‘queer’(derogatory) guy- but still a guy. I haven’t really figured out what to do about it tho. I was pushing my voice down and nodding my head and listening to guys talking about their construction projects and pretending like I knew more than them about wood working.

I was walking down the street to get lunch the other day and this guy was walking close behind me. We ended up going to the same lights and crossing at the same time. So I turned to him, posted up without even thinking about it and said ‘I guess we’re just following each other huh?’. And he laughed and said that it looks like it. Then he doubled over and said that it was too hot for him (it was like 104 it was blazing). And my immediate reaction was to ask if he was okay…except I didn’t… I scoffed and said ‘yeah man’ and we kept going. We ended up at the same store.

After that I was like what’s wrong with me. The raised a girl part of me was scared of him, the now seen as a man part of me was sizing him up, but all I wanted to do was ask if he needed help. But I didn’t, I did the man thing and it made me feel uncomfortable with myself all over again. A hit of dysphoria but from the other direction like being in the middle of a three car collision.

But watching the Barbie movie I realized that like the Kens, I was performing that hyper masculine attitude because that was the category that I am now lumped into. I’m a Ken now (because people don’t see non-binary performance of gender) and as such my defenses kicked in and I performed my part. Even if I wasn’t raised as a guy, I still grew up seeing what men were supposed to be by being on the receiving end of it.

But much like the kens in the movie. That performance isn’t me, it’s a mask that I made out of Elmer’s glue and dried macaroni and it itches when I put it on. That wasn’t me that didn’t reach out to that guy( I mean it literally was me, I’m not trying to dodge responsibility, but like in a sense that I wasn’t the maker of that reaction, I just didn’t overcome it in the moment). I wanted to ask if I could help, but I listened to the script instead. I don’t want to perform for anyone. Not masculinity, not femininity, not anything. I’m not a court jester, I’m a hole ass batteries included, person. I just want more than anything to finally be me and be seen as me. Tear off all my masks and bells and get strait to the core of it all. And I think this is something I’ll be working towards for the rest of my life. I have a lot of masks to get through.

Anyways queers, yes, the Barbie movie is also for us, just maybe not the way Mattel intended it. (Pirate it if you can corpos get nothing)

[old-school-butch]

just wanted to say that following a butch older than 40 on here is SOOOO amazing like it blows my mind as a baby butch, it makes me feel like there actually is a future for me embracing being female AND being masculine. bc usually it's one or the other in today's "queer" circles. ppl have acted threatened of me being comfortable as a woman honestly?? like i can tell they just don't understand. a friend of mine even told me they (transmasc) just can't see me as a woman. i was like what do you mean? and they said idk i just can't, you just don't have the vibes. you feel so genderless. later i told them it hurt my feelings bc coming to terms with my womanhood meant a lot to me since i'm detrans, and they apologized and blamed it on their ex-girlfriend having had a looooot of internalized misogyny, and them needing to unlearn it. and now my brain is like... wondering if maybe that affected them identifying as nonbinary. idk. i still try to use they/them if ppl prefer it bc i try to be kind and i myself don't use my birthname and would be weirded out if ppl tried to use it for me. and from my history of dysphoria i know how painful (yet irrational) it can be. i'm just so aware that some ppl out there are identifying as nonbinary not bc they enjoy the identity but bc they're repressed and/or traumatized and have a lot of internalized bs. it makes me so, so sad. i want to help but if i say anything i'm a bigot, and i'm extremely scared of being seen as bigoted, it's a big source of anxiety for me. i'm living a double life right now, most of my friends irl are nonbinary but i have a radfem blog and i'm becoming very critical of gender. it feels like you just can't have a neutral conversation with someone about this. i tried with my nonbinary ex and they visibly started freaking out, and... not to be shitty but it really reminded me of how they acted when i saw them during cptsd episodes. it was like they were full of anxious energy, i couldn't say anything even slightly gender critical. there was a moment where i tried to pry a bit into their internalized sexism and they got this really harsh tone they had neverrrr taken with me in the 5 years we were together. they also regretted going on hrt and they had a moment of regretting top surgery too, but they pretended it never happened afterwards. anyways. it's just wild these days, and i worry about ppl who identify as nonbinary for the wrong reasons, for reasons that actually harm them. i hope there will be more resources for them over the years :/

Pretty interesting that your ex can keep a grip on control over you by ‘acting out.’ That’s not an irrational action, it’s effective. Which sadly describes the grip gender orthodoxy has on our community.

I completely hear you, I never told people I was trans and, if anyone asked had critiques of gender just kind of bubbling inside, but the reality was that other people told me I ‘must be’ trans. One said I was ‘a gay man trapped in the body of a lesbian’, so… I guess when I did something feminine I did it in a masculine way? Or, ya know, how I act is labeled in different ways because of reasons that have nothing to do with me and my existence as a woman.

Don’t beat yourself up about this - all the language and concepts were shoved down our throats. If women are people who identify as women, and if we accept that as true, what are the implications for our own existence and identities? The people creating this language didn’t care about us, and our silence trapped our doubts inside us.

Women won’t be free until we learn to care for ourselves as much as we care for others.

[queer-book-character-tournament]

I understand what you’re trying to do with quality control, but it is starting to feel weird when you clearly have characters who a significant minority are voting up as queer and you’re questioning if the characters are queer enough.

I know that characters and people are two different cases, and I can quietly remove myself here, but I’m having a lot of fun when I’m not being ambushed with more arbitrary standards about what queer can and can’t look like, so I wanted to try an ask first.

I understand not wanting a character who isn’t explicitly queer to win, but it’s honestly upsetting to have my dash keep being interrupted with rules lawyering about what counts as queer and what doesn’t. Do you think you could maybe make note of the possible issues and just discuss them together if they win instead of discussing it every time another character turns up “questionable”? I’m otherwise really enjoying your tournament

I mean that is what I’m trying to do? Like there’s only two characters so far (out of 204 in the competition) who have been brought up after the polls went live, and like … four total posts I’ve made about it tops? Five, I guess, including this one. One asking for clarification on the question being asked in the first place, one kind of agreeing to that because again I haven’t read, and then one for each character saying it’s just something we will come back to as needed because there was some push back and I don’t really want to debate it before it’s even an actual issue as I can’t do anything during the first round anyway since it's already up. I don’t want the people pointing it out to feel ignored and for it to evolve into a discourse in the notes because it goes unaddressed. So I answered them on the second character same as the first to say let’s come back to this if it progresses past round one.

I’m questioning not if they’re “queer enough” though. We've got a wide variety of character from all over the gender/sexuality/romantic orientation spectrum. I'm not trying to gatekeep what counts as queerness. But when I do ask for quality control I am asking if it’s even canon at all that they are queer inside the text of the book. Not 'queer enough', just are they queer in canon, point blank. The rules did state canon is a requirement, but I can’t read every book submitted to check that. Sometimes I’ll know things aren’t correct, like in the ship tournament someone submitted Sam/Frodo (which is an example of what I mean. It’s not that they “aren’t queer enough” it’s that they just straight up are not stated to be queer, as much as we as fans might enjoy the idea that they are and there might be some subtext we can take from their devotion, it’s not in the pages so it does not count), but if I don’t know I have to pitch it towards you guys. And I let A Lot of characters in, so I won’t know a lot of them. For these two characters in particular I can’t make a judgement call on my own as I haven’t read the book, which is why it's getting talked about. (Although again, as I said, I'm really not trying to debate their eligibility at this time. If they win it'll be something to bring up before round two, but as of now we aren't debating it) I put up a list ahead of the polls of the characters submitted that I had already thinned out a bit with characters I knew didn't qualify and passed the question off to my followers to try and get all of that out of the way before the actual competition starts to avoid things like this, (because as you said, now that the competition is started people are voting for them, because people like these characters, so it's obviously not ideal for a debate to be breaking out now after it's up about their eligibility in the competition) but the polls are obvi getting more attention than a long list so I’m getting some new questions now.

I want everyone to be having fun, and i'm sorry if this is detracting from that for you, but again when it's characters I don't know that people are bringing up I have to actually ask about it or else it doesn't really seem fair

[joannerowling]

re: ask about people "reclaiming", homophobic slurs that are not from their language.

It's very true. and it's coming equally bad from both sides. On one hand, people of non-english upbringing, who never lived in the environment and neve were submerged in the culture, where those slurs originated from, have literally no business reclaiming them. It's just ignorant and disrespectful. If some western trans gay boy began call himself a pidor/pidorás (really violent slur for gay man in many slavic languages) since he is gay so it's okay to reclaim this quirky slavic word for gay ppl, i would go feral. I don't understand, why doesn't it work the other way. It so easy to think for a moment and understand that it's not your word to reclaim.

But on the other hand, english-speaking LGBTQ+ community has desensitised q slur so much, that for a foreigner, who is constantly in these online spaces, it's doesn't seem like it's a slur at all. A lot of new labels and genders and orientations are now including the slur, so maybe it okay to use. That's why im constantly stumbling upon people from my native online spaces, who call themselves queerplatonic or queergender or something like that. (the f slur hasn't reached us so far and i hope never will). I can totally see how someone just picked a label because it became so common in the US/Canada/UK, and the opposite opinions are drowned out by the louder crowds or labeled terfy.

I will say, to play devil's advocate here a little only for the sake of rounding the argument: language doesn't evolve spontaneously, and occasionally slurs can go from "slurs" to "no longer slurs" through cultural change. For example, in French, we have the word "con", which initially meant vagina and would have been used as a misogynistic insult (basically the same as "cunt", i believe the two are etymologically close). However today "con" has evolved to be used exclusively for men with a relatively large range in meaning (going from "dickhead" to "idiot"; sometimes it's applied in a genderless way, kind of teasingly - as in "t'es con" to mean "you're a bit of a dummie" or "you just made a bad joke/excessive one". It's all in the tone and context). Most, oh i'd really say 90% of French people at this point, have no idea what "con" used to mean. I've had that conversation with a French radfem once who said she refused to use it because of the original meaning, and my question to her was, what matters when identifying an insult, the word itself or the intent? It's an open one.

Perhaps this is what people hope will happen to "queer", though i don't think it's a good parallel with "con" - it could be if "queer" was used to design some completely different group or thing than homosexuals. You could argue it's already kind of happening though, many more people than you'd suspect have started recognising that "queer" and "gay" are different things (mostly because "queer" associations and media have completely stopped putting forth the fight for same-sex rights). I've seen that sentiment on radblr, "they can call themselves queer all they like but don't include me in it", as well as the firmer "queer is insulting period, and heteros don't get to reclaim a slur that was never thrown at them". Since it's not my language i'm not gonna pick one position over the other, but i guess both exist for equally good reasons.

(Like you i also noticed "faggot" is much less subjected to that. People seem a little more aware of that one and less willing to "reclaim it" or approriate it, outside of the worst of trans identified women. Why that is i don't know. Maybe because it's perceived as being more exclusively used for gay men, and violence against gay men is more well-known in general?)

Another thing your second paragraph highlights is something we don't talk about a lot i think: that for how culturally diverse "queer" spaces claim to be, they are fairly homogenous and singularly minded beneath the surface. Especially outside of native English speaking countries, because the kind of people who can speak English fluently enough to access these topics have specific backgrounds (it's very visible in France because people are generally not good at English here). This is why you can find several active LGBTQIA+ groups in Paris or some big cities and will struggle to find even one in much less prestigious unis.

[gndrfluideggtooth]

hey mannn, your posts remind me so much of myself before I came out, it's like looking in a mirror. I think it's really cool to explore in a sexual sense too!

being a gay little fag is awesome, my guy. don't be afraid to experiment with your presentation, don't be afraid to use tools or ask ppl to experiment with what to call ya. you don't have to commit to anything right away, you can dip a toe in whenever you want.

if you ever wanna talk about it or ask questions abt being trans masc, lemme know!! i don't mind talking to cute boys ;)

- 🐈‍⬛

(Blushing being called a cute boy.)

I don’t think I have space irl to even attempt.

Huge chest. Can’t be DIY (safe or unsafe) binding. Probably can’t afford a real binder, and even if I could, getting it sent to me might be hard.

However, saying all of these things, it’s “I don’t think. Here’s why I can’t. But I haven’t tried.” I haven’t tried to save what little money I have. I haven’t gone out to find men’s clothes to wear (probably because how sad I’ve been in the past when getting clothes from the men’s section; I realize now that I was unhappy because the men’s clothes didn’t magically make me a guy, which I only thought subconsciously). I haven’t looked into getting a binder to myself (what address to use without negative consequences). I haven’t asked my irl transmasc friend-ish and his boyfriend to help me get started into trying to be transmasc, like getting a binder or guy clothes or etc.

I’ve asked an irl acquaintance, who was selling their old binder for cheap, if I could buy it. Problem was that it was wayyyyy too small. They offered to help me get another one online by advising me on the best binders I can find online. They even gave me a tape measure to help! But then I halted immediately. I got a lot of momentum energy out into efforts and want (like rolling a ball up a hill) when speaking with my transmasc online friends, one of which even offered to give me his, as he only lives a bit away from me, and he doesn’t need this one that might fit. But then I’d have to give someone online my irl location and meet up irl. Which I have half a mind to do. Only if I can get an irl queer friend to drive me.

I don’t ask friends who are LGBT+ to call me more masc things because I don’t want to be “difficult” or “complicated”. I don’t want my identity to be hard for them. I’m too much of a people pleaser. Especially since a handful are trans and don’t easily pass.

I’m not in the safest environment, but certainly not the most dangerous. So it’s complicated.

If I got my head on straight… yeah… maybe I should push myself to try to experiment at least. Limited resources and ability and etc might make it hard, but I can still try. Everything in my life feels like a heavy boulder in a valley. I rarely try to push it up, but when I do, it falls back down. My ADHD, my depression, my anxiety, my school/college stuff (I am not a minor), friendships, gender identity, identity overall, etc.

Like I said to a classmate earlier today, “Things happen”, and her response “Yeah, but it’s always happening, and always to me.” I find it funny but true.

On top of all that,

I’m only able to act as genderfluid freely among online communities (or I guess only one group of online friends). That and my imagination. But that makes me feel like it’s more like a fantasy, not something I want, or something achievable, not something real.

Then there’s the problem with my thoughts. Just telling me I’m a weird girl who’s been repressed too long and now I’m just acting out, and being weird, and trying to claim things that aren’t mine. For attention or wanting to be special or something.

When an online transmasc friend says “you can be a trans masc person if you just let yourself”, half the time my first thought is “no, you haven’t met me in real life” as if that means anything.

ANYWAY

Blah blah blah. This turned into me just talking about it, rather than talking to you.

I want to be a gay little fag. I want to be a cute boy. I want to be seen as this… I think.

I don’t know why it’s so… difficult?