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i might have to set up my own tailoring business just so i can order the good haberdashery
#or find someone who can order for me#try finding good soutache that isn't gold or silver not sold by wholesale#for now i can order via school but i am going to graduate in july#meins#especially when it comes to the fabric and notions actually still produced in germanny
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I am loudly pushing the batdad agenda i am loudly pushing the— DPxDC Prompt
“Woah. You look like shit."
Granted, that’s probably not the first thing Danny should be saying to the guy that just bit the curb, but in his defense; he’s not running on 100% right now either.
The man -- tall, towering, and broader than Danny is tall -- whips around on his heel, black frayed cape flaring out impressively. Danny would've whistled in appreciation, but he takes the time instead to wipe the back of his hand across his mouth, smearing the blood running from his nose across his cheek.
"Sorry." He blinks widely, not even flinching as the man with the horns zeroes in on him. "That was rude of me. I have a really bad brain-to-mouth filter; Sam says its what always gets me into trouble."
And she's not wrong either, per say. His smart mouth is what landed him in this situation -- with blood blossom extract running through his veins and cannibalizing the ectoplasm in his bloodstream. Thanks Vlad.
The man grunts at him; a short, curt "hm" that shouldn't make Danny smile, but he does because he's somewhat delirious and probably concussed. The man keeps some kind of distance, sinking towards the shadows of Gotham's alleyway like he dares to melt right into it.
If it's supposed to scare Danny, it doesn't work. Danny's never been afraid of the dark; he's always been able to hide himself in it. He blinks slowly at the mass of shadows.
"You look hurt." The shadows says, blurring together around the edges. Danny squints, and licks his lips to get the blood dripping down his chin off. Ugh, he hates the taste of blood.
"I am." He says, "My godfather poisoned me. M'dying." The agony of the blood blossom eating him from the inside out looped back around to numbing a while ago, so all he feels is half-awake and dazed.
"Hey," Danny stumbles forward towards the man, a bloodied hand reaching out to him. "You-- you're a hero, right? You're not attacking me; which is more than I can say for most costumed people I've met." Maybe it's a poor bar to judge someone at, but he's already established that Danny's not in his right mind.
The man makes no change in expression, but Danny realizes blearily that it's hard to tell with the shadows on his face. He stays still long enough for Danny to latch onto the cape -- stretchy, but almost soft under his fingers.
He looks up blearily into the whites of the man's eyes. "Can you help me? I don't-- I don't wanna die." Again. He doesn't wanna die again. He blinks slow and lizard-like. "I mean- I'll probably get to see mom and dad again, but I told them I'd at least try and make it to adulthood."
There's a clatter down the street, and Danny's ghost sense chills up his spine and leaves a bitter, ashy taste in his mouth. He immediately knows who it belongs to even before the deceptively gentle; "Daniel?" echoes down the way.
"Daniel? Quit your games, badger, Gotham is dangerous for children."
Danny's mouth pulls back, and blood spills against his tongue. "Please." He rasps, and grabs onto the shadow's cape with both hands. "Please. He's going to kill me. Please--"
"Daniel? Is that you?"
His lips part, dragging in air to plead with the darkness again. He doesn't need to, the whites of his eyes narrow, and the cape whirls around him before Danny can blink. Soon swaddled in shadows, the Night lifts him up, and steals him away.
#I AM LOUDLY PUSHING THE BATDAD AGENDA#anyways— add ons are encouraged i wanna talk more dpxdc with folks i just cant find any aus i really like enough to engage with#which is nobody's fault and its why im making my own content in order to reach more people#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#dpdc#dc x dp#dpxdc prompts#i took a ‘which batfam member are you (except its personal)’ quiz a few days ago#and got bruce wayne. and then was promptly read to filth why im most like him and it rudely but accurately explained why im the most like#him. it also consequently explained to me why i like him so much. whenever i see him in his kindest form i see a mirror looking back#anyways lots of ‘danny rejecting bruce as a parent’ aus. may i present: bruce and danny finding family in each other aus. batdad aus pls.#dpxdc prompt#dcxdp#this prompt can take place at any point of Batkid accumulation but personally i was imagining this as before Bruce has any of his kids yet#eldest brother danny supremacy and also just that one on one bonding#danny being someone who was never afraid of the dark as a kid and even less so as he got older. taking solace in it as a ghost because you#cant hide in the dark when you glow. his enemies can't jump out at him. but he can jump out at them. how can he be afraid of the dark when#the dark is where the stars like to live? there's a comfort in the shadows. there might be something hiding in it. but he's hiding in it to#blood blossoms eat ghosts headcanon#wasn't sure where i was gonna go with this at the beginning and then i caught steam.#batman casually kidnaps an orphan upon kid's request. also the kid was Actively Dying Of Poison. What was he gonna do?? NOT help him?#mister 'keeps candy in his utility belt specifically for scared children'??? no way.
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es rarepair week 2024 day 1 | AU/future
lil ghostic au of mine!!! yuzuru and the rest of fine are long since trapped souls in an abandoned mansion of which rst come across while looking for shelter during a storm :] it doesnt um. particularly end well
#doodles#duck scribbles#es rarepair week 2024#midoyuzu#yuzumido#i Was gonna do the stardew au but then it made me kind of sad. actually this is even worse in that aspect but im in a mood#enstars#midori finds his diary of which details the life of and events leading to yuzuru and the rest of the residents' deaths and w it slowly#becomes able to see/interact with (to an extent) yuzurus spectre himself#midori takamine#yuzuru fushimi#ghostswere initially rather aggressively hospitable in order to keep lost strangers there to eventually die and become a lost soul like the#but most w time grew to just want to be freed and be able to pass on in peace. more hostile ghosts become vague wisps of what they were bef#ore once theyve lost their tether to humanity but those with a strong will still have more control and effect on their surroundings somewha#yuzuru specifically was determined to maintain the mansion and has for decades and maybe centuries kept it orderly hence the clarity of his#spirit!!! having been one of those hostile spirits himself before has moved on to gently guiding guests away from the more dangerous areas#and assisting them so as to ensure their safe leave#they look for a way to break the curse on the mansion together so as to free all their souls!! unfortunately for midori she fell in love w#someone who has long since died 👍#the lil ballroom scene was a funny thing i dreamed about a while ago actually. i like to think watarus ghost put on some music unprompted#oh and since the rest of rst is also there technically you can expect chiaki is Not having a very good time
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I feel like if Chujin was still alive during the events of Undertale Yellow, his and Clover's relationship would be incredibly rocky. Pacifist!Clover could bring him around to tolerating them (after all, they have that sort of effect on everyone), but it would be more in a "this human is the only 'good' human" manner than a "maybe I should reevaluate my opinions on humans overall because you can't judge an entire group based off (very biased) stories and one bad experience." Even then, that opinion would be subject to change should Clover ever get frustrated or behave "too aggressively" or act in any manner that isn't perfectly docile. If Clover ends up attacking a monster then it's "humans are just as horrible as they were in the war stories, I should've known better" regardless of the circumstances that could've pushed Clover to fight. Suffocating expectations and endless demands for patience when he wouldn't ask the same of a fellow monster.
And heaven forbid he ever meet Clover on a No Mercy Run...
#undertale yellow#i hc that his parents were involved in the war and he was born after monsters were sealed underground#so he's one degree removed from all that trauma which is understandable why he'd be so afraid#but at the same time Blackjack had similar circumstances and he came around to liking clover and judging based on character#instead of by who someone is.#sometimes you need to sit down and realize that the problem is you and your views instead of everyone else but he doesn't strike#me as the sort to do that type of self reflection.#Chujin is a character who is absolutely ruled by his fear. he leaves kanako and dalv alone after they were attacked by a human#to sicc axis on integrity. he hinged his whole career on building guard robots (and judging by some of the paperwork in the Steamworks#he was the only one who wanted to build guard robots).#he destroyed his health and left his wife a widow/his child fatherless to craft a serum to defeat humans.#he experimented on a human (child's!!!!) soul and ordered his wife to k.ill an INNOCENT human.#he literally says that humans are incapable of decency in any form!!!!! the writing is on the wall!!!!!#not to sound like I'm bashing on his character because he did do a lot of good for the underground. he made the honeydew resort heater#and Martlet's balcony. and it's implied he built the bridge between the wild east and Starlo's family's farm with the fox-bell#symbol on that bridge. he inspired martlet to take up woodwork which put her on the path to joining the Royal Guard and meeting clover#he likely did a bunch of other good things as well that never got brought up. he did do some good actions.#but he is not someone that i would call a good person.#(realized i ended up with a long string of tags down here. if someone wants to screenshot it and add it to the post go for it)#edit: i find it utterly fascinating that he calls humans incapable of decency yet acknowledges that there can be a pure human SOUL#what an utter hypocrite! i doubt the contradiction ever even occurred to him!
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It’s just…so painful to watch Armand readily submit in order to obtain the love he so desperately craves. And while it’s most assuredly a manipulative tactic, it’s still one borne out of fear and desperation. He cannot lose this person he’s come to love and so will become whatever they want, do whatever they want just so they’ll stay with him. But it won’t be enough. No matter how much he acquiesces or seeks to control (himself, others, the environment), he won’t be able to make Louis stay with him in the perfect life, perfect self he built in the hopes of finally being loved. It will all crumble with Armand left alone in the rubble of what he created, the author of his own abandonment.
#this unfortunately hits way too close to home for me#let’s not even get into Claudia’s anger at never being enough#iwtv spoilers#interview with the vampire#armand#this is just me speaking from personal experience…but there is definite manipulation at play here from Armand#and I don’t necessarily mean that pejoratively- when you’re desperate for people to like/love you you’ll become whatever they want#or whatever you think they’d want and you give it to them so they’ll want to keep you around#I’ve done it so often with the people in my life- and make no mistake it’s also a survival tactic#you give someone what they want they won’t hurt you#and when that’s how you survive for years and years it becomes the default method of interacting with others#even with normal people who genuinely mean you no harm you revert to that people pleasing mode#as a means of control both external and internal#this is what i see armand doing- his way of surviving that he’s never truly broken out of#armand ceding coven control to Louis and curating the Dubai penthouse for Louis are part of the same pattern of behavior#and even tho it’s ultimately harmful and will only end badly for armand and Louis’ relationship#idk if armand knows how to not exist that way with someone he loves/desires#all of this also ties into louis and daniel#because of course Armand will lose it over Louis finding connection and interest with someone else aside from him#someone HUMAN no less#and I can see Armand taking out his anger on Daniel as a way of expressing his own frustration at still not being enough for Louis#breaking daniel’s mind in a desperate attempt to understand why this human could reach Louis in ways he couldn’t#not saying any of this to excuse Armand and his behavior obviously (I’m very upset and worried over the trial looming on the horizon)#but I do understand this impulse and how you’ll throw ANYONE under the bus in order to preserve your place with loved ones#it’s all horrifying but unfortunately I empathize#like even if Louis is right to walk out on him when he learns/remembers the truth of what happened to Claudia#I’ll probably still find myself saddened by Armand’s fate because I’ve absolutely been there myself#it’s a tragedy of his own making- his fear and desperation birthing manipulative and controlling behaviors#that ultimately result in your own abandonment#god this fucking show
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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I forgot that I haven't shared this before here: some of my pokemon fanmerch orders had arrived earlier this month, and I've been having the time of my life bringing them everywhere with me 🥺
🌸 Pokespe gold and silver + hgss lance keychains by @justtrashperson
🌸 Johto quartet + ingo photocards by @42Yojin on Twitter (from the 야생배 통판)
#me (so many months since march): gawd i wish i was rich and lived in seoul so i can attend the 야생배 pokemon con event#42yojin wasn't even the only FA who opened mail order post-야생배 but i could only order their photocards because i was on a tight budge 🥲#but STILL i am saurrr happy that my photocards finally came home... i truly adore their colorful and vibrant artstyle!!!!!! 🥺🤲💗#one day i will collect all of 42yojin님's pokemon protags photocards. trust#also i'm still over the moon that someone in INDO opened a preorder for pokespe and pokemon merchs 😭💖 and it's for the TRAINERS too 😭💖#finding pokemon merch in comifuro is like finding a needle in a haystack. the chances are even more abysmal for merch of the trainers#i will cherish my preciousmetal + lance keychains to bits THEY'RE HANGING SAFELY FROM MY CARABINER!!!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#pokemon#rival silver#trainer ethan#trainer kris#trainer lyra#subway boss ingo#subway master ingo#trainer gold#pokespe#johto#johto quartet#preciousmetalshipping
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Late Night quick thing (New Age Sillies)
Bad news: That joke post about including Reset + Orchid is definitely not canon. (I legit got sad thinking about Reset being in a universe where Orchid isn't- because their stories are so so intertwined- but Nightmare 100% would NOT risk the whole twins exploding Error's soul thing.)
Good news: This means I COULD include Kane (Reset's older brother who usually dies in timelines where Reset is born) and use it to develope his character a bit more! Also! Perhaps a Blue × Dream kiddo is finally in the stars for me to design?
#new age au#really enjoying the idea of Reaper + Geno having an heir at some point (and them sending that heir over to Night's kingdom for#exposure to other places as well as to hang with his third cool knight dad who's hard at work 🙏)#Kane has little to no development besides being a perfect angel (foil to Reset's eventual turn to poor choices) so I'd love to do#to him what I do to every oc of mine. (Namely: Throw them into the Kingdom and see what they do.)#oh! and I could see Blue and Dream (beloved boys) listening to the warnings of possible complications if they try to have a lil babybones#and Dream deciding he'd take the risk and carry the growing soul#(<- though tbf this is MANY years into the future and they'd be well established knights of the realm)#i'm not evil so they *would* manage to avoid the twins curse and have a singular beautiful babybones#they'd get raised partially on the move but stay behind with Night and Error if the two had a more dangerous mission#and grow up to be an obnoxiously powerful warrior following after their dads#(but they'd probably be hesitant to follow into the footsteps of being a knight and might go on a quest with friends before choosing a#final path for themselves)#<- Most spoiled rotten kid ever. courtesy of Nightmare and Error and all their extended family <3#oh last note. Ancha has me cracking up w/ ideas for Cross potentially meeting someone and I was beamed w/ an old ship request post I saw and#I think it'd be funny to include Lust in here somehow... (probably call him smth else as a nickname but y'know-)#like. He works in the city around the castle as some sort of... idk tailor? and he's been making things for Nightmare for years without#knowing because Ccino always was discreet about the orders and providing measurements + always tipped well so it was none of his business#but one day it's like. before a big announcement ceremony or smth and Ccino drags Cross in by the scruff because no one can get him to get#clothes that actually fit aside from armor (hc he steals the others clothes a lot and wears 1 shirt until it's threadbare)#so Ccino makes him go to Lust and Lust is able to get him fitted for sone new outfits because. well. Lust doesn't do much but he's very very#handsome and Cross is super easily flustered and shy around new people and he's awkward and aughhh.#and then he thinks about the interaction for the next month before deciding he's going to ask Ccino to go back there again.#and Lust likes dressing Cross up in new outfits (everyone thinks it's great Cross is loosening up and meeting new friends cuz Lust introduce#s him to people in town) and it takes forever for Cross to get over his worries and ask Lust out to a ride on his horse (romantic. of course#) and Lust agrees because he's charmed.#and the best part would be Cross *actually* manages to keep it a secret. like. no one finds out until one morning Killer bursts into Cross'#room to wake him for surprise training and it's Cross. the weird Dog. and- holy shit did Cross have someone over???#Cross pulls the cool ones frfr 🙏#it's just a casual thing between them with little plot relevance or drama I think. just a chill lil relationship 🙏
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i love you animal symbolism
#like obviously i’m the dog motif guy but literally any animal symbolism is sooooo#like mq animal symbolism >>>#sharks and mice and wolves and butterflies#what that says about you — not just what you get but what you wanted to get#i’m a shark and i’m going to take you down. he smells blood in the water he’s gonna kill my pig and there’s nothing i can do#because i’m soft i’m a kid again im a mouse and im loyal and humble and a real team player! and that’s what will be my downfall#but it’s also what’s going to save me#why would a mouse choose foam over a delicious cookie? i don’t know. why would he? why would i?#i just got a little upset when you said i wasn’t a lion. you’re nothing without me#lions hunt in packs they’re sthe leaders. but i’m telling you that you dont get a pack you dont get someone to lean on and you will always#be alone.#then succession animal symbolism is like: youre a scorpion and i’m a snake and we are going to die at each others hands#it’s already written. we know the ending#im a dog and i’m mean and sharp and vicious#i’m a dog and i’m loyal and trusting#i’m a dog and i need to be kicked and i beg you to kick me because it’s all i know#you come for me with love?#lock me in a cage and feed me dog food (or chocolate cake but who knows) and i’ll never eat again#send me away until everyone knows their place#beat me with a slipper in gstaad for ordering lobster because it’s rude to order the most expensive thing on the menu when you’re not payin#because dogs don’t get a sliver platter they get a bowl of dog food in a cold wire cage#they get the scraps and they thank you for it#so you come for me with love?#you come in here guns ablazing to find they’ve turned to fucking sausages and you come for me with love?#jeez that’s a lot of tags#mythic quest#mq#succession#succession hbo
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good morning. thinking again of juve and her dog
#oreste garifalle save me. save me oreste garifalle (he cannot even save himself)#i just.. man its so over. by the time they encounter each other juve is the worst shes ever been & oreste doesnt yet know he could be better#so. sure. juve needs to gather the pieces of herself back up and double down on her coping mechanisms but not thinking at all about whats#happened to her/how she was affected by it and by instead fixating on someone elses problems. she needs to offer drive and direction to#another in order to feel more in control of herself#and luckily for her unluckily for himself. by the time she finds him. oreste is only Just stumbling out of a gothic pseudoincest nightmare#in which all of his own wants and desires have been very deliberately placed on a shelf higher than he can reach and hes all too eager#to accidentally replicate previous dynamics (dog) with someone new#so. tldr. juve needs to control/'fix' someone and oreste as of yet only knows how to be controlled/molded in anothers image#which would already be so bad except to top it off. juve is steadily fucking losing it. due to the repression crimes#and even as she tries to distance herself from the emotional aftermath of what she went through. it bleeds into the way she treats oreste#instead. like.#her base level dehumanization of him would already be bad but. as is. in the way it finds her.#juve completely lacks the finesse or grace or awareness to approach it as she normally would#so she instead traps them both in this horrible codependent situation where her 'fixing' oreste mostly involves her going oh! i know!#your problem is that youre not in touch with your anger right? you should be angry about what those guys did to you but youre not rigjt??#so!! easy fix!! lets just get you angry!!!#<- girl who is not entirely wrong but has also never processed any of her own anger a day in her life and Will be projecting#<- girl who will treat you both as a metaphor/extension of herself but Also as a recreation of the previous dynamic she was in with an#excessively angry individual#<- girl who decides the best way to put you in touch with your anger again is by. repeatedly triggering you until you protest#essentially bending your finger back and waiting to see which will come first. you letting it break or begging her to stop#and oreste is always too deeply traumatized and overwhelmed to do anything but let it break. so.#notnow#juve mizani#oreste garifalle#one of my favorite scenes i have planned for them is her making oreste relay what his abuser (kai) looked like. in detail.#as a skinshifter herself.#you see where this is going.#you should send me asks about them btw. if you want. also if you dont
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fuck ok who's got that one post about gloom division where they describe every song as something like:
"i am going to fuck the devil in the pussy" (sounds of dallon retching and throwing up on his bass) (loud ass synth riff) "and then the pussy will kill me"
someone please help i can't find it and i can't stop thinking about it its so fucking funny
#rys.txt#i am so so sorry to everyone who has to read this post but like. it wasn't my idea to put those words in that order i'm quoting someone els#i think that's mostly what it was verbatim but there was definitely different capitalization and punctuation#i know i've reblogged it like twice but i really don't want to sift through every reblog from the last two/three days to find it#if you can find it please tell me i will be forever grateful :]#idkhow#i dont know how but they found me#gloom division#idkhbtfm
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oh man no wonder i'm missing my little guys recently. we haven't seen kaeya in almost a year
#personal stuff#delete later#a month from now marks one year since his hangout....#head in hands.... kaeya come back i miss you#yes i Know he has a hangout i can replay at any time that also has his brother in it. not the same#diluc showed up back in march with his normalguysona and kaeya sent a letter but it's just not the same...#i miss the ragbros insanity that 2.8 and 3.1 inflicted upon me. i miss bouncing off the walls thinking about them and their new lore#can they come back and do something that makes me relive that sometime soon. please. for me#not sure who's going to be in the summer event this year. probably not going to be either of them but can it be Someone i care abt#for the most part they have been? like 1.6 was THE found family slash siblings vacation#2.8 was my girlie fischl and also hidden strife#then 3.8 was kaeya and klee and collei and kokomi#come on let's keep up this energy. this will be THE mondstadt update TRUST#like come onn venti and lisa both told us to come back to mondstadt before setting off for somewhere new......#like at this point i have very little hope for mondstadt character story quest 2. i used to hope for it w every update but now it's like#who fucking knows. we'll wait until snezhnaya i guess. that's when venti and diluc will probably be relevant again#jean miiight get a second one after natlan depending on what happens to varka's expedition? since her mom is there i think#manifesting a second razor quest then too. we know what the rifthounds are now + varka coming back would be a good setup#and klee might get one whenever we meet alice. i have my thoughts but idk when Exactly that'll be#but lisa's thing probably won't be relevant for a while either considering its connection to the abyss order#and kaeya and albedo... yeah.#but like. i'd love to see amber go to liyue and find her grandpa or something :(#and like. fuck it i would love to see a second xiangling quest too.
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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one important thing about work emails is that whoever you send them to can forward them to anyone else, or reply to you and copy other people. so if you're going to talk about a third party in your email, only say things you would be okay with the third party reading. because people can and will just suddenly CC brand new people on a long email chain, who will then be able to backread anything you've ever said in any of your previous responses that you were sending to only one person. word to the wise.
#i mention this because this just happened to me today BUT it was fine because i already do this#i was writing to client A and mentioned client B who has been making both of our lives harder#but because it's my policy never to trash talk one client to another client (they all know each other btw)#(and some of them are contractors for others of them)#the thing that i said about client B was not something i had to then regret a few days later#when client A for some fucking reason CC'd client B in her response to me#i worded it like 'i'm sorry this has been so hectic and last-minute. it took me a while to understand what client B wanted.'#which has the virtue of being true and also not denigrating client B in any way even though what i meant was#'client B has been so confusing in everything he has said to me that i couldn't give you any advance warning'#but i didn't SAY that. so we're golden#the thing is you will be SO tempted SO often to tell someone that something is a third party's fault#because it will often be a third party's fault!!!!! but you must resist every time. especially in writing#<-this is not universal advice bc sometimes you need to stand up for yourself or whatever. i just mean in venting situations#no venting to clients about other clients. sometimes you need to vent with them in order to build rapport and get them to see you as#an ally rather than an obstacle but you cannot vent ABOUT other people. they can do it but you can't. you have to find other things#to vent about#my posts
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need a private tumblr to be an outlet for feelings had while activisming
#look. i know how to do things effectively i'm telling ya#but it's gonna take a whole bunch of ranting to get there first#and something inherent about activism that's actually effective is taking on care for other people's emotions#who are doubtless in much worse situations than me! but at the same time i have feelings and traumas that get triggered#and i have things i need to process and sort through in order to do my imperfect best. when you're in desperation you want more and i can't#blame you for that. but harm reduction also involves optimisation in a sense of how much harm i can personally reduce#and exposure to some things actually REDUCES that and i need to have somewhere to hold space for my emotions processing it#so i either decide fuck it and just post it here and know people are gonna get hurt from the insensitivity and there's no use explaining#unfortunately i have a suicidal ideation trigger at someone being in need and not being able to help them. maybe i can post about that?#somewhere in the limbo of this is not 'okay' per se but the best i can do is better than nothing. we all come together to stand up#against oppressors and shit. but there's emergency aid needed and it really does make me want to die very very quickly#which obviously i cannot get a job and actually help if I do. as in more than unemployment levels of generosity help#and while i can rattle on and on a bit about how our need for aid has the markings of capitalism (need for constant growth/supply)#it's not the fault of people trapped in that who don't have any other way out#sometimes i need to step back and find ways I CAN simplify my life in community to have more to be able to give when needed#because i can't do that for other people but i can for myself#and then i sound self righteous for doing it so i can be generous? so i can not feel helpless and want to die? there's no winning#i am the person who sees someone complain and thinks i immediately need to fix it for them. there's a good chance i will always be#and then i won't realise it but the empathy is the thing that's keeping me depressed and frozen but keeping me alive as well#and honestly i've lived like that for years. i don't have anything but my sometimes pitiful activism to like. enjoy life or whatever#and i do what i always do. one step in front of the other. pray for provision. choose between therapy and donation why am i so caught#up in that? problem solve. what are the needs and what are the other ways of solving them? share it to facebook? i don't know#i'll get there but i really need a job and i need to get a bit better so i can work. that day is gonna come it's just. the meantime sucks
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Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy
You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing
I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know
Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards
...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said
Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes
#to be clear; I don't mind people disagreeing with me (though that's not what's happened here... I don't think I came into it at all)#but all I need in order to be able to work with disagreement is just... knowing you at least heard and understood me#like if it's 'I get that you think that vanilla is a good flavor of icecream; but I really prefer chocolate'... ok; this works for me#it's that... a lot of the time it honest feels more like 'what are you talking about? vanilla isn't a flavor' where... huh?#let's take a real example; not everyone needs to agree with me on nuclear#but like... someone saying 'I get that it's way safer these days; but I still worry about waste storage'... well ok then#but if it's just like 'but it's dangerous and will explode' even after I've explained about the designs now#where there's a salt plug that with melt and drain before anything can happen; and these materials don't like to run away#...and it's not like they're asking me to back up the source; it's like I never said anything at all...#what am I supposed to do here? you feel me on that? do you start to get why I feel like I'm going crazy when that's how it often feels?#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good#acknowledge that I voiced something and it's been noted#honestly... honestly my who life it's felt like I must somehow actually be invisible#...to an extent maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination; I might well be a ghost that's lonely and makes you all up#...for all the impact my actions have#or maybe literally everything I say just comes out garbled... is that it?#this post is about something very specific; but it's also about something that happens a lot with a lot of different people#on a broader scale; why is it no one else seems to be able to connect the dots#and these aren't like... conspiracy theory dots; these are like russia buys drones from Iran; therefore russia and Iran are partners#that's the kind of dots I'm talking about connecting; please tell me that's not a conspiracy theory to you... it seems plain to me#I don't know... I really don't... I don't think much I say will ever have any impact anywhere on anyone#...honestly a good 90% of the time people don't even respond to what I say#not like my posts here; I mean direct in dms or whatever; I'll say stuff and it's just silence or a new subject#again; across multiple people; it's common... it's... I think it happens more often than it doesn't#I can instantly name 4 conversations with 4 different people that's happened with lately#and that's not counting the 3 where I know the reason why it's happened#I really am something unfit to live; the evidence is endless#mm tag so i can find things later
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