#or I'll forget about it and move on
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I have been infected with astarion disease
#HE'S SO PATHETIC I WANT HIM#my heart tells me to watch thousands of his scenes on YouTube#but I have decided against that#once I fully move out I want to save money to buy a good pc and if at that point I'm still interested in the game#I'll buy it#So probably in like. 1 or 1 and a half years#or 2 years. most likely 2 years#darlingboy I will wait for you#or I'll forget about it and move on#but anyways. Watching his scenes on YouTube only makes things worse agdjdhshsj#my posts
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having the mando feels again how r we doing today chat 🫠
#i miss them sm u don't understand#u think i'll ever forget about them? naurrr even when everyone moves on i'll still be here#din djarin#grogu#the mandalorian#mando#baby yoda#pedro pascal#clan mudhorn#star wars#my art
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Have you ever thought about how forgetting something can be a blessing?
You, as a human, maybe wouldn't agree on that. But every time they observed you, listened to you talk about something that was tugging at your mind for weeks... And then — poof. You didn't care anymore. Something that they couldn't afford, most of the time because they remembered how bad it actually was.
Humans call it "moving on". The brain just forgets the details, washes away the negative memories. It leaves a trace, a sinking, heavy feeling in your stomach when you thought about that situation when it was mentioned. But mostly, you didn't hold the needed information anymore to care.
Often times that not, they felt jealous of such ability. Memories are their most prized possession! If anything, their only possession. But they had seen things they wanted to forget. They knew things they didn't want to know. Oh, if only they were able to click that 'delete' button in their head.
Why did no one tell them you didn't choose which things to forget?
It was quite normal for children to be a bit forgetful. It's not something that phased them.
But you're not a child. You've been an adult for so long. Why do you look at them with such... Unfamiliarity? After so many years of knowing each other. Decades! You're supposed to have tons of memories with them! Did you not cherish those memories? Did you delete them on purpose? What did they do wrong for you to even think of doing that?
How could you forget their names?
Should they ask to delete yours?
#xit shh#i think about this so often. how they would be jealous of humans for so many things. and how you would be jealous of them for some#they don't know what it's like to forget something. maybe they had something get deleted but it's not the same#also I'll assume they're not allowed control over their files#so even if they really really wanted to delete something they would need to beg someone to do it for them#imagine thinking your human lover is just very good at keeping their headspace organised and tidy#admire you for getting rid of memories you deem unnecessary#just for you to slowly start forgetting *them*#because that's how they would think it works! did you never care about them in the first place?#that's why you did it? you betrayed them?#should they also try to 'move on'?#anyway
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collection of moth things i never posted all of varying quality and age
#i'm not giving context for the last two . if you know you know#clamart#cotl monch#the fox is there too but i'm not tagging him due to him being there only Vaguely#and I need a designated Lumi tag. will get back to u on that (<- she will forget)#mostly jus putting these up to ensure everyone I am still thinking about that moth I Promise . i am always thinking about that Moth#monch#fwct chapter 3 is moving at a fuckin snail's pace i'll tell u that much though . I AM writing it .I am jus havin a hell of a time with it#i got too caught up in the whole intro sequence i gotta cut to the chase where the Things actually happen. Unfortunately Monch loves#her internal monologues. So it's just like....... she won't shut the fuck up (in her brain) for two got damn minutes#she has so much to say and none of it will ever be said aloud. too much seething in her Mind. therefore she HATES IT when I try to WRITE#actually i feel like being funny.#cult of the lamb#maintags your moth . giggles an d runs away
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Just a reminder, I have a patreon!!!
I've been working on actually making stuff to post more often for the lower tiers, and have been consistently doing so!
I post at least a few sketches and drawings every month for the $1 and up patrons
and I've been working on episodes and sharing some updates with my $5 and up patrons
And I have a merch club for $15 a month, but there's still some $10 slots left! I design and send usually a postcard and some stickers to my patrons every month, but sometimes I'll do some experimental stuff; last month I did foil prints, for instance, and a few months before I made magnets!
It also gets you access to private channels in my discord server, where I ask for patron input on things like the merch or drawings, and where I sometimes stream while working :)
Buuuut also, even if you don't want any of this stuff, it's a great way to support me directly if you like my work! I'm still on hiatus so I'm not making any money from work at the moment, but I'm working hard and my patreon enables me at least to buy my groceries!
Here's the link one more time, no pressure of course but I need to promote my patreon more so people actually know it exists haha
#I never promote my patreon#which is probably why I only have like 30 patrons (grimacing emoji)#it's a little embarassing tbh hahahahahahahha when my coworkers are talking about making thousands a month on patreon#and I'm like DONT LOOK AT MINE PLEASE#it's okay obviously#I never like. talk about it#cause the fun for me is making the stuff#so I'm like I made the stuff yay I'm doing it I'm doing a good job :D!#but then uh#no one knows I'm doing that#like I'm making art and posting it and I'm making merch and selling it#like did you know I also have a store?#no one knows I have a store either#I'm out here selling books and making custom prints and then I just forget to tell people#I also have open commissions..#god I'm so bad at marketing myself#but I have to get better at it#or else I'm straight up not gonna be able to keep doing this...#my goal is to be making 1k a month on patreon before time and time again is over...#cause then I'll be able to like. at least mostly support myself on my comics moving forward......#I need uhm. 2k a month minimum... to barely scrape by living...#the ideal is 3k and up lol cause of like. taxes and stuff..?#but#2k is. minimum...#gah#I'm making 10% what I have to right now HAHAHAHAH#so I guess I'm giving myself a year to actually promote myself better to see if I can't get it up to a livable amount#so that I can keep making comics#without needing webtoon#cause they only pay me like 3k a month
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bro this is *literally* why i do not fucking talk about it.
this is the exact response ive gotteen half the time I've told people about it irl.
the other half? people who self diagnosed themselves with DID and who harrassed me for weeks saying i was the one faking.
in short; i was completely correct. people literally cannot be normal about dissociation disorders and I'm done trying to be open about it :)
#i was never open about it to begin with but i figured 'oh if someone really has a problem with me forgetting stuff or going radio silent#i'll tell them so they know i have a real reason'#nope not even gonna d othat anymore which honestly shouldve been the move back in higschool when i had a dozen tifs#hijacking my diagnosis and harasssing me about it#if people ask about me and wonder why im not there all thetime im just finna <3 block them <3#seems to be my go to for everything lately
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Adjacent topic, but. One of my favorite things actually is when Alfonse pulls the player aside and is like "Let me think out loud real quick." and when the situation calls for it, "Also what do you think?" Like obviously this happens so much across any game ever, especially ones that have a designated partner character. But it feels so special to me...
Especially with Alfonse, especially when he calls the summoner by name. He didn't used to do that!! In the very beginning!!! And he slips up, as Lif. Trying So hard to take it back. It just feels so personal... 🥲🥺
#i have no greater point here i just like it a lot.#like to me i feel like he has that deep unique bond that the pmd2 partner has w the player#again could just be. two games w a designated partner character. but to me personally how i feel.#like i feel like it's comparable actually esp the way your partner pokemon will pull you aside too#making a point to include you. and also will just talk at you extensively LMFAOO but it's okay 😊💖#but also it just feels SO special and so personal and so rewarding from alfonse in particular.#like this guy did Not want that. he was so scared of that. he's also just one big loss away from feeling like he's lost it all.#one thing about me is that i don't agree. w how he feels about losing friends. i think it's okay. i think it's for the best.#i'm not lonely and sometimes it's a relief. knowing i'll never have to see that person again.#even when there's no hard feelings. even when i geniunely liked that person and they liked me well enough.#i just tell myself it's for the best. they'll move on without me. i'll cherish the memory. i hope they forget me.#but even as i say that it's like. i don't know how true it holds. but i do know it's fine to leave actually.#and i do know i'm not lonely. i've made peace w it a long time ago. i'm content by myself. i keep myself occupied.#meanwhile. i am always obsessing over what alfonse says and what he feels and i feel a DEEP. DEEP SEATED NEED.#to pelt him w rocks. FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤#this is why moe exists. the vessel. to pelt him w rocks.#fe alfonse
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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Maybe something with Mousey being jealous of Hunter and Smoker for one reason or another? hehe
Day 7 - There might be a reason for that
Bonus:
#My art#Requestober#RespectAWoman#Hunter#Smoker#Mousey#Always love when my bonuses are just as if not more technically complex than the main lol#I mean I say that but it was more just tedious to move things between EPSAI2 and GIMP lol#Chibi heads bopping around and a bust-up are not as intensive! My poor hand haha ♪#So this is my first time drawing the ladies digitally huh?? Or at least this trio anyhow haha I'll draw the other two someday#Considering Mousey is my favourite of all of them and her dynamic with Charger was one of my driving loves <3#I also realized while drawing this that she (as a survivor) and Max have the same outfit so that's ♥#White button down and khakis are fairly standard I know let me live XO I love them!!!#Went with pre-infected here tho ♪ When Mousey's still focused on Smoker! Hehe yaay#She's so cute <3 Love that wonderful disaster <3 <3 And also the mains as well!!! Lol#They were actually a lot of fun to draw digitally haha ♪ Hair touching - kind of all over touching lol Hunter's just Like That#I did kinda forget about Hunter's camo pants so I leaned on my SAI textures - but I did the shines on her duct tape myself! Pleased :)#I was thinking at first of Hunter offering Smoker a soda but she pushes for Smoker to be healthy huh!#So I was thinking maybe a weird-flavoured sports drink or sugar-free lemonade or something lol#And the usual ribbing lol Mousey do you know what you're wishing for ♫#I had a moment while drafting where I was like ''Where was the one of Smoker playing Tetris?? :0''#I 100% completely totally remembered it in full colour - but no that was just my brain filling in the details lol it was a sketched comic!#Whenever I think of RespectAWoman that's just the style I see in my head so my mind's eye took it from there pft#I found it in the end ♥ Had to make reference to it! As it's one of my favourites :D
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Recently I've been thinking about self-shipping more actively with General Grievous/Qymaen jai Sheelal - he's been on my secondary f/o list anyway but I've found myself thinking more about him again in the past weeks. I just have no idea what kind of self-insert or oc to make for shipping with him😅
I originally fell for this guy the first time when I was about 13, without knowing what self-shipping even was, but my taste in this type of fictional characters was apparently already set back then (even if it took me a couple more years to admit it). In the Legends timeline my poor coughing cyborg boy actually has a pretty sad backstory, he could need some love I think <3
#also I came across this gif more on accident but DAMN how could I forget how hot he was#the way he moves? his hand flick to open the clip on his cape?? SIR-#it's probably partly due to my hormones' monthly acting up but I'm in a lovey-dovey mood rn#also mainly talking about the movie and the 3d clone wars version here as I've yet to see the older cartoon series#(though I know some clips through that infamous Rasputin amv xD)#not sure if I'll actually gonna do anything with him any time soon#but on the other hand I've been wanting to make a sw oc for a while anyway also for cosplay reasons#mayyybe I can also write some x reader stuff for him at some point?👀 (that probably like 3 people will read but I'd do it anyway)#general grievous#self ship#self ship thoughts#f/o thoughts#selnia talks
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It's oc posting time
Rue has vivid revenge fantasies. Extremely violent ones about the many ways they'd kill Nox if they ever got their paws on him. Crushing his exoskeleton under their bare paws, tearing him apart limb for limb, ripping his guts out and eating his heart while he's still alive- you name it, they've probably thought about it
These thoughts *terrify* her. It proves what Nox has always told her right, that she is a hopeless, violent, uncontrollable *monster*. That the reason she became a beast in the first place is because she is truly evil at heart, just like him
(In actuality, it's just a symptom of their PTSD, but going to therapy and actually unpacking all of that isn't an option to them. They'd rather die than actually talk abt their struggles)
So the thoughts fester in her mind for years. She thinks about it daily. It becomes like an obsession. An impulse. A need. And she begins to think that the only way to free herself from that torment is to do it. To kill him. Even if it proves Nox right
Even if it proves *her* right
So they hunt him down, trying to kill him every time they encounter each other. And every time, Nox gets away, and he taunts them. And the thoughts, the want, the *hunger* for vengeance grows stronger
The cycle continues. The thoughts never cease. She never finds peace
(At least, she *thinks* she will never find peace, but she does. Eventually. After Nox dies from his own hubris lol)
#ramblings#oc posting#rue the wolfdog#nox the spider#lmk if this needs any tags for anything. jic#also um spoilers for the story i'll probably never write ig. nox dies eventually lol#fucker gets squashed like a bug <3#he basically doomed himself tho. rue doesn't get to kill him#it makes them feel a lot better actually#like they didn't HAVE to kill. like they can just forget about his pathetic ass and simply LIVE#this isn't to say revenge is bad always. her anger was very much justified#but it was also tearing her apart. it was bad FOR HER. in the end what she needed the most was to be able to move on#and nox fucking himself over and dying is the perfect opportunity to just let go. to not dirty her paws with him any further#she doesn't have to concern herself with him because he was dead the moment he chose the path of world destruction#there's also the fact that they have support from specter and phantom as well as sonic and tails#so they didn't have to face this alone anymore#i hope my thoughts are cohesive enough lol i'm very tired rn
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I don't know how to express what I want to at the moment...
At least not how to start off. How I truly want is to say something like "shoot me now" or "kill me now". Neither of which is what I really mean. Though curling up in a dark hole and crying sounds good about now.
I'm just being overly sensitive and distressed about having received two comments on old stories that I recently cross posted to AO3 that essentially accuse me of using ChatGPT or whatever it is to write them. Since I've seen them, I've been dwelling on them. Which feels so ridiculous, but I am. I don't know if I should have, but I responded to both explaining that the one thing was written like 10 years ago and the other probably about 20 when I was a literal child.
I still might go in a delete the comments on them.
Times like these are when I wonder if I have the right mentality to ever try to get anything professionally published one day.
It definitely makes me not want to post the couple of stories I was uncertain about posting already.
And it's not like the comments are completely unwarranted. The stories are definitely not well written, because they're OLD and I didn't want to rewrite them.
And now I'm kind of regretting posting them at all.
#I just needed to get all of that off my chest so that now I can maybe forget about them#it's amazing how just one or two comments that are neutral to negative can just completely undermine your confidence at times#just because I readily share my writing doesn't mean that I have lots of self doubt about it#I'm just going to go die in a hole of shame and embarrassment until I can forget those comments#I just need to think about the person who left me a series of#<3#those are hearts right?#I'll move past it hopefully#I'm going to try really hard to not dwell on it like I know I have a tendency to do
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hot take but I think a lot of current fantasy has lost the "what the heck" nonsensical vibes and that's why a lot of it is so bad
#people are so obsessed with 'being like tolkien' that they forget that a key part of fantasy#is the magic and wonder and inexplicable occurences#some things we need to accept on faith and move on#like you don't NEED to understand the mechanics of portals to other worlds or magic#or have a logical realistic fantasy realm#it's fantasy!! it's by definition UNREALISTIC and WEIRD and INEXPLICABLE#tolkien himself said something along the lines of 'if you explain how it works#it's not magic anymore'#(somewhere in on fairy stories I think)#but the point is that I actually could not care less about whether your fictional languages and histories etc etc#are realistic or sensible#if I wanted to read about a different culture or language or place I'd pick up a regular fiction novel#fantasy means that there's magic and things beyond our ken#lots of things will not and should not make sense#(logically. they should make sense in terms of fantasy)#(paraphrasing from sir terry here but it's unrealistic and nonsensical#for the third brother to succeed or for the sword to be pulled from the stone or for kindness and bravery to always win the day)#(but in a fantasy that is what makes sense; the illogical)#someday I'll write up my discord rant on modern fantasy as a true essay but it is not this day lol
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[staring out the window but it's just a sticker on the wall] i actually need to make something right now or i'll espode
#just me hi#didn't really do anything yesterday and i have some neat ideas that i haven't gotten around to because of the Sludge#but ouuuu Aura.....#yea..#//also think i want a sweet drink rn#prolly soda ngl. favorite poison :3#//i had to reset my computer (bugging out) and for some reason it signed me out of everything ? boop ??#anyway so that means ytm autoplay got turned back on. which i rarely enjoy but i don't have the power to turn it off rn so i'm just#tolerating everything that comes on loll#which i'd Like to say it's like the radio but i really really like the station i listen to often and i Understand it's gonna be a roulette#//OH YEAAA i forgot about my mp3 project !! !!!!#so i think i mentioned it can hold images too which is Sickkkk and you can put the images on a slideshow which is even cooler#and bc you can listen to audio while doing that at the same time i was thinking well this is just infinite potential here. this could be#everything khfbvshg :333#i wanna try a shorter + smaller story first.. prolly a short ghost story cuz spooky is just easier for me to do lol#ik what the visuals will prolly look like but the audio cues are where i'm a bit Hmmm abt em hfshg#i'm thinking i could put All of the audio in just like 2-3 files (for tutorials on how to use the machine for the story :) ) which isn't#hard#and cuz if you need to pause for whatever reason it's next to impossible to figure out where you are properly meant to be anyway#Yeaa i'll prolly do that :)#but if it turns out well i want to do some more complicated stuff!!#like i was thinkin and there's like a second between each pic where it could look like smth is just Kinda animated#which could be really cool and offsetting in the right spots :33#i'm really excited abt it hbfhsv - prolly cuz it feels like a new medium which always gets my gears moving lol :>#//anyway i'm gonna run out of tag space in a sec lol--#just realized the reason i tend to have my last tag cut off at the end is bc i forget to count my talk tag as. a tag. lmfvsfhvjsf#anyWay yea!!! toodles ^w^
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I sent out a report, convinced I'd done something wrong after fighting with a program to pull the data I needed and verify some spec ranges for way longer than I expected. my boss said it was fine and HER boss came down to thank me and talk to me about some process changes we might be able to implement after we've collected more data. so it's fine actually
#telomirage.txt#I'll get stressed out about anything! you can't stop me! I can't stop me CAN'T STOP ME OOH WHOA OH WHOA 🎶#or is it 'no whoa' … it's definitely one of those lol#anyway super boss put my spare chair back in the wrong place and moving it back so it wouldn't#block the file cabinet drawers made me realize it's wobbly as fuck#not my problem! I didn't give myself that chair. I don't particularly like MY office chair lol#sometimes I will adjust it and forget to lock the tilt and my life will flash before my eyes#why do they let you lean that far back 😭
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#periodical life updates#*lays in bed solemnly with my hands clasped like a corpse to be buried* so tomorrow im going to a deaf event for my asl class.#im very nervous since i can't even get through conversations in english right so idk how i'll do with a language i only know the basics of#im still pretty terrible at receptive interpreting. i already know i can't read signs from my classmates.#i see their hands move and i can't comprehend it even when they sign it again and again. oughh. wish i didnt have forgetting disorder.#i feel like im going to forget all the vocabulary i learned. i only know about 240 words more or less.#i know the people will likely be nice and hopefully be patient and i can write things down if i need to communicate but WAUHGH.#listen. i embarrassed myself in front of a coffeeshop employee because i didn't know how to order a drink and just left immediately.#and that was IN ENGLISH. i cant have normal conversations already!! FCK!!! WAUGHH!!#oughh. it'll be ok. gonna try my best and if i fck up then i simply run away into the ocean and am never to be seen again.#VERY SCARED!! okay that is all GOODBYE.
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