#or I can go on about it as a reward to myself if I get half done
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I was tagged by @retrotrait, @simvanie, @moonwoodhollow, @aheathen-conceivably annnnnnd @salemssimblr to post my top 24 screenshots from 2024, but I jumped the gun on posting a retrospective earlier this month.
I still wanted to do something, though, so I'm going to take some inspiration from @elderwisp and talk about my favorite story scenes of the year specifically - since there's nothing I love more than yapping and reminiscing.
Before I start rambling, I'll tag @living-undead, @esotericas-sims, @fallstaticexit, @simsdaughters, @biffybobs, @whyeverr, @kissalopa and @earthmoonz! I'm sure some of you have already done this (and no pressure if you don't want to), but I'd love to see you reflect on your year in whatever way suits you!
Good food and hard truths with Grace Anansi (one, two). I think this is quietly one of my favorite moments in the story so far because it revealed so much about Caleb's past that until this point had only been hinted at. It also gave him a friend and confidante, which he sorely needed. This was an extremely lengthy and exposition-heavy conversation, so it was challenging but rewarding to write, edit (endlessly), and execute in a compelling way. Plus, its final moments had to lead seamlessly into...
Party like a spellcaster (one, two). I think this was the first flashback in the story, so it was a pretty big deal! It was also the point where my ambitions started making scene preparation increasingly complicated. I spent a hell of a long time converting broomsticks and potions into pose accessories, but I was so pleased with how the vision came together, and it taught me a lot of skills that have become indispensable as my ideas grow more elaborate. Overall, it was a welcome moment of levity and joy for Caleb, even as we know tragedy looms in the future.
Lilith does a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing. Turns out once I started doing flashback scenes, I couldn't stop. You guys have no idea how it felt to sit on this particularly nasty secret for months. I wanted it to be a shocking reveal that fully established Lilith's villain status, but I also knew I would have to get her back into Helena's - and our - good graces eventually. It's been interesting to write a character like her who you love and hate at once. Ultimately, I want all of us to be on the same rollercoaster ride as Helena, equal parts repulsed and fascinated. This was especially wild to bring to life because it felt pretty surreal to be adding a whole new layer to this idea that originated years ago in my legacy!
Helena Zhao can't come to the phone right now. I was very proud of this scene because it was the first one where I made all the poses myself. It was also a major turning point in Helena and Julia's relationship, where their sisterly bond is deeply tested. I may have cried a little while writing and shooting it. I really enjoyed the brief moments we got to spend in Julia's perspective, and I hope to bring her back if the story calls for it. Although she was in extreme shock at what her sister had done, I imagine she'd eventually come around to having a bit more compassion for her situation. She'd probably be open to reconciling someday, presuming Helena ever sets foot in Copperdale again.
Reunited and it feels so... good? (one, two). I didn't even realize I posted Helena and Lilith's reunion on April Fool's! Everyone was waiting with bated breath to see if they would ever cross paths again... and who are we kidding? Of course they would! I had a very good time writing this conversation and giving Helena a chance to finally get everything off her chest - though, of course, she couldn't help but be worn down by Lilith's manipulative charm in the end. And then Caleb got his comeuppance for keeping the truth of what happened a secret for so long, reminding us once again just how scary Lilith can be.
Plasma Pals! As dark as this story is, I enjoy weaving in moments of comedy and lightness when I can, so it was really fun to portray Caleb and Helena's evolving friendship through the lens of a cheesy sitcom. I wasn't sure it would hit with anyone other than me because the funniest things I write are usually accidental. It's hard to be funny on purpose! But it ended up being possibly my most popular story post ever, so obviously I did something right.
Lilith teaches Helena the true art of supernatural seduction. I wanted this section of the story to be all about the two very different approaches Lilith and Caleb take to teaching Helena. This was one of my most technically challenging scenes. I shot the entire attack sequence twice because I was underwhelmed the first time. But in the end I'm glad I took the time to do that because it contains some of my favorite screenshots ever and really conveys Helena's internal struggle. But will she be able to resist when it inevitably happens again?
The night where it all began, part one. I love this entire series of flashbacks, but I'm particularly fond of the opening because we finally get a glimpse into what Caleb and Lilith's relationship was like as humans. It turns out they liked each other! And only bickered in a light-hearted way! And conspired and giggled together! This was another scene where I made all the poses. It was exhausting, but these flashbacks to the Vatores' vampire origins were so important for me to get right. I'd been thinking about them for a long time, so I wanted them to be as perfect as possible.
How Caleb was transformed, one and two. Again with the flashbacks! I think part of the reason I like them so much is because, as much work as they are, they always offer a change of scenery that refreshes my creativity. This particular scene was one I was obsessing over for months, so I had cultivated a very specific vision of how it would play out and didn't want to compromise. I'm glad I had the foresight to start learning posing far enough in advance that I felt ready to take it on. If I had to choose, this is my single favorite scene of the year. Everything came together exactly how I wanted, and it gives me chills every time I revisit it.
A very vampiric dinner date, part two. This entire sequence took so much work to complete from beginning to end! But it was the first big outing beyond Forgotten Hollow in a while, and I wanted it to be special. I enjoyed being able to put a bunch of pre-mades into compromising positions with your guys' vampires. As much of a pain as it is to pose multiple Sims, the end results are always worth it. And then, of course, the sequence resolves in Helena and Lilith having a genuine moment of intimacy for the first time since Helena was turned, which had us all squealing.
Helena is horny and confused. Can you believe this is the only Ulrike appearance of the year? 😭 I'm really glad I managed to sneak one in. Even though they broke up before she was turned, Ulrike is the ultimate reminder of Helena's human life, of everything she left behind and of what could have been. Other than her family, Ulrike is who Helena misses most when she thinks about the past. This scene was pulled together quickly based on me finding the pose pack. I wasn't entirely sure if it would even work as part of the main narrative. But I feel like the spontaneity made it feel extra special, even if it is a smaller moment.
Forgotten Hollow 101. If anything, the theme of this year has been taking an increasingly long amount of time to finish every post. This is in part because I got busier in the second half of the year but also because I can't stop thinking up crazy complicated ideas. This one took me a month more or less. Even though each vampire only had one picture, it required a lot of effort to get them all in game, find poses, set up locations, etc.! But it was so important to me to do justice to your guys' vampires, so I was happy to take the time, even in the couple of moments where I began to feel burned out. I hope to keep showing off your lovely creations next year!
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About My Hiatus
Hey everyone! I wanted to check in and talk about the hiatus I took in October. I've been doing a lot better since then, getting my life in order, getting a hold on my responsibilities, and I really appreciate all of your continued support through that time, it really helped.
I want to come back and keep working on RisingClan but I don't know when I will have the time to write as fast as I have been, if ever. I have two ideas about what I could do and I want to know what you as my fans would prefer.
OPTION 1 - No More Real Time
The first option is for me to abandon the Real Time gimmick (posting on the days that those events happen) and just upload whenever I have a finished piece which would likely be once every month or two. This would mean longer waits between pieces but I would be posting again and sharing previews with my Patrons as normal. I would want to redo the way I title my pieces or perhaps find a way to put them all on a calendar so that the time between pieces isn't too confusing but that's something I would have to figure out.
OPTION 2 - Building Up To It
The second option is that I stay on hiatus for a year and, during that time, I keep writing at whatever pace I can, stock piling those pieces until we get back to October next year and can jump back into the Real Time schedule. This would take longer but would preserve the gimmick that I think set my blog apart. If people are interested, I could release previews to my patrons of the pieces I'm writing as I write them rather than the day before they go live so that patrons could still get rewards for their subscriptions during this hiatus.
Let me know what you guys think! I love you, my audience, so much and want to make sure that you guys are having fun while taking care of myself and my needs. Thanks for your continued support, especially the support of my patrons, you guys make this worth while <3 Happy Holidays!!
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Okay I know I'm the most biased person about dadmare, but you can't honestly tell me that if Cross started to mention the way xgaster treated him and his brother as children - the way an adult bullied and belittled and abused them - that it wouldn't make Nightmare see red
#UTDR#UTMV#Dadmare#Like the call is coming from inside the house again!!#Nightmare trying to be detached and collected to prove he doesn't have a familial attachment to his henchmen#And then he hears that Cross was treated badly by adults as a child and he's instantly like ''I'll kill him myself''#I just#Okay#Wick very nicely talked to me about Cross and dadmare yesterday and I'm still whipping it around like a dog with a new toy#LIKE I just think it could be a little healing for both of them#For Cross to get someone in an authoritative role who praises and appreciates him and refuses to treat him like that#And for Nightmare it must be at least a little rewarding to see someone who went through hell as a child and do everything you can to make#-them comfortable and tell them it wasn't their fault#Like I'm sure he still has stuff from his incident to process and maybe sharing it with Cross could do that#Obviously it's not 1 to 1 on what they went through but it might be similar enough to be cathartic#I don't know I just want to see them get along#I want Cross to have a father figure that would tear the multiverse in half to save him#I want Nightmare to learn to love and show it#I want 16 days off work in a row so I can lie in bed and go insane about this
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I fucking love when characters see themselves in someone else
Current thoughts rn is an oc who’s half human and half a species I made up that’s not well known in the federation and only recently joined it awhile ago
And they wanna be a good representation of their non-human species, but stuff keeps happening that makes them feel like they fail at it
And in many ways, they’re different from Spock, cause Spock looks like a Vulcan and wants people to look at him and see a Vulcan who succeeds at being a Vulcan, whereas this oc looks like a human, but wants people to see them as [species I made up]
But they still have some similarities, and they’re crying cause all this drama happened around them, like their fiancé calling off their engagement during the ceremony, and how they feel like their fiancé wouldn’t have done that to them if they weren’t half human, etc
And Spock is just to the side, distinctly aware that he’s had the same thoughts
#would love to talk about the made up wedding drama#if anyone’s interested 👀#maybe I shouldn’t till after I finish my essay#or I can go on about it as a reward to myself if I get half done#I have written. 200 words. out of 1700.#and it’s due in 5 hours#star trek#s’chn t’gai spock#Spock#star trek oc
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at the end of my fucking rope with "conversations" about k12 chronic absenteeism.
#sorry. work rant#next time you read a headline about it think to yourself. why is it schools' job to get kids to come to school.#why do schools have to bend over backward to cater to kids#kids not wanting to go to school is an extremely common occurrence#the difference now is that the responsibility is being shifted off kids and parents and onto schools#i get that schools can do better i really do#i think there is a shared responsibility#but there is a profound belief across society that school is not important and does not matter#and that needs to be addressed too#i'd say 99% of the examples i hear of systemic school problems are actually just examples of individual bad actors#again. schools have issued that need to be addressed! the public school system has profound inequities!#but when the only problems you point out are 'a kid was mean to my kid' or 'a teacher wasn't as nice as they could be'#you're not interested in changing the system#you're interested in changing your kid's experience#and guess what. demonizing school staff sure isn't going to fix anything#at this point I don't see myself ever going back to teaching#you know who will go into teaching? people who don't give a shit.#and that's not going to help anything either.#you can't attract people who care when people who care are punished and chased out#imagine if instead of constantly bringing up the worst possible examples and insisting they are representative of everyone#the good examples were celebrated and rewarded#same thing happens with the medical profession btw#and again. lots of legitimate examples of harm#(i'm fat ffs i know this)#and also I think it's dangerous to have people delegitimizing medicine to the point that crystals are seen as just as valid as a doctor#sorry. separate rant.#but still. delegitimizing professions that require knowledge skill and training is how we get thousands of unqualified people#homeschooling their kids and treating them with herbs they got from their local Etsy witch
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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Having a Saturday like "most people I've dated have only really liked me for my body and/or a fake personality I've presented, so when they know the true me it's not enough to keep them around. Anyways let's have some ramen for my 2 pm breakfast."
#speculation nation#negative/#mayhaps. i am not feeling too great this morning.#this came from me thinkin about my recent ex again and how she said she never actually loved me#(im sick of thinking about it. but i think im gonna be thinking about that for a long long time.)#but i thought about how excited she'd get about my looks n body and i just thought to myself like#'maybe she didnt love me but at least That couldnt have been faked.'#n then i just paused like '...Geeze.' at how depressing a thought it was lmfao#like sorry my personality is ass and my hot bod's the only good thing about me (relationship-wise)#xoxoxo cant help bein a hot mess i guess !#... i dont know if she even realizes the blow she dealt to me by saying that.#i Told her i had trust issues and felt unlovable. i Told her this.#and yet she tells me that she never actually loved me and every time she said it was a 'mistake'. a MISTAKE.#she didnt need to say that. she literally didnt need to say that. even if it was true there are just some things that dont need said.#in the end. she's not the first person who's dealt this kind of blow to me. and she might not be the last.#i'll keep going. i'll keep trying. i know im not actually unlovable. there's gotta be Someone who likes me for more than just my body#who is also a good fit for me. they Gotta exist out there. somewhere.#and for now. i continue on with full confidence in my attractiveness but Zero confidence in my personality.#might try a nice n slow romance next. make them actually work for it b4 they get to sleep with me.#make it a reward or smth. or rather. make sure theyre not here for Just that lol.#sure would be nice if i had someone interested in me for more than just my body. we'll see if i can find that lol.
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I really don't know if I can keep doing this job. All the crap I was most afraid of when I was getting my degree that would make me hate doing the job didn't bother me much for the first year or so but now I feel like I'm dying every time I have to come in here and chase people down for important shit that's missing or incorrect that needs to be fixed before I can pay something and I genuinely don't know what to do about it. I feel like I don't really have any other options than to continue working the job I have but I also want to die for the first time in like a decade
#just keep telling myself dont even worry if its done well or done right#does it even really matter does anyone else care#do it slow do it weak do it lost and dead inside and dont worry about it#no one's life depends on it even though people make it feel like that#i just have to do enough to get to the next day#and hope it's enough that i dont get fired#ive got bills to pay and i really dont want to go job hunting when i know i'd probably end up with something that doesnt pay as much#and it probably wouldnt be any more rewarding or any less difficult than what i already do#but i can rationalize and logic at myself all day the bottom line is i hate this and i dont wanna do it and i need a break so bad
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#i would actually love to just like. stop posting about how terrible i feel all the time#or like how insurmountable sadness is or how overwhelmingly alone i feel in x y or a#but it’s just like!! i’m trying and i don’t have a baseline of resilience anymore like that well dried up forever ago#like i’m just pacing my stupid cage waiting to get better or die trying and it’s so slow as to#be just as agonizing as suffering#i don’t know what to do with myself today or tomorrow or this week or literally ever#like time to just languish and cry until i feel bad enough to do something productive and reap zero reward from acccomishing anything#or whatever once i have it together enough i’m just gonna go out and walk for as long as i can and i’ll just try to sleep after that#excellent way to live my life! i’m so proud of the way i waste my time here on earth!
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my latest fic-writing revelation: luke and aemond are both middle child mama’s boys. not sure what that reveals, but it sure does say something.
#portrait of a prince bloopers#< so my fic rambling nonsense doesn’t have to go in my main hotd tag#god i need to find someone with exactly the same aemond brainworms as me#so i can just ramble about this fic#it’s so fun!!!!#this fic is also making me fall in love with luke tbh#freeing myself from fanon luke was the best decision#anyway they both have middle child syndrome so bad#helaena being the only daughter means she escapes it but AEMOND#major middle child syndrome#and he would do anything for his mama#writing luke and rhaenyra makes me so sad#though in general getting to tackle rhaenyra daemon and alicent#when they aren’t the main focus of my fic#is really interesting and rewarding
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sometimes i'm scared that i've been this way for so long that i don't know how to be anything else anymore.
#lily talks#thinking about what to do after i finish my degree#you know just normal things to ponder at 1am#i've been in this hell called university for so long i can't even imagine doing anything else anymore#goes hand in hand with being depressed and i can't help but wonder if it's just going to be the exact same thing if i decide to do somethin#else instead of getting my masters#i feel like my relationship with uni is the prime example of toxic#because it's going well some days and on those it's very rewarding#but all the others? oh boy#doesn't help either that i've got no clue what i'd even want to do instead#so i can't help but wonder what would be the lesser evil#bc i doubt that i'd get anything better than 'the lesser evil'#also the thought of just saying fuck all of this and starting over from scratch persists#and while i do believe that you can start over at any age the reality that money is a very limiting factor gets worse every year#unfortunately i lack the mental health needed to both work and further educate myself#i really admire everyone who manages#also it doesn't help that i'll have to decide if i want to stay abroad or move back to germany soon-ish#i like it here and while it sucks to be so far away from all of my friends i feel like the change of scenery really did me good#unfortunately living here is extremely expensive.#in any case#this sucks
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guess who just spent around 180 dollars at barnes and noble buying manga (me)
#randomrambles#a shame the buy one get one half off sale wasn’t still on#but a family member let’s me use their rewards and i got them 7 stamps for a discount (you need 10)#but i got some death note some ultra despair girls and some spy x family so im set for about a week#but also pain bc they didn’t have death note 4 (black edition which has 7 and 8)#but they had the side stories#maybe next time i can find number 4 i hope#maybe i just spent a fuck ton of money but im very happy with myself#the rest of my family is going to be extremely surprised when i come home#it’s HEAVY like my arms were hurting carrying them around the store and waiting in the long ass line#but very rewarding i will be reading for a while
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i have been restricting myself and when you do that no matter how “good” i think i can be i end up binging in some way. woah. did you guys know you can put quotes around a word by selecting it and typing the quotation mark. maybe it’s the iphone update
#posts#binging not just as eating either but also as going on my phone for hours instead of reading or drawing or listening to music.#although i did listen to music#< not being hard on myself or guilty about this either ive been working long asf hours + this is normal and fine given that#i will get a reward for working my long hours i will get paid and my name on a published research paper#and i have things to look forward to. having friends over for cooking and watching a movie and having wine on wednesday#which will be fun. i will craft this week so that i can enjoy myself
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i hgoupe I'm The roller guy to yall
#I'm srs I need recognition for things I like#I NEED TO BE Known That I like This thing#Not famous but#I'M!! THE ENJOYUER...#I can get like that with clash around friends in general but I keep it lows#But in Tghe fandom. I'm srs I may avoid ppl if I'm like#Man pplproly see them as the Roller guy hahaha they're popular and draw Tghe guy a lot and nobody likes me and#Help me#It's so dark here#What mental illness is causing this#ITS SO COLD....#WHERE AM I... IM SHOEING NEGATIVE MENTAL ILLNESS....#I will go crazy reaches to get recognized for a Thing usually by Overworking On Fanart#But also I'm just a perfectionist also so that doesn't help either#And then oops haha adhd make me NOT feel rewarded for ANYTHING and it's ALL MISERY#At least friends are nice and love me and I feel great Showing Stuff and Them Telling me stuff#But I generally feel disliked by people#I may just be over thinking but I can't shake off the feeling that people murmur about me negatively. Oh it's the annoying lame guy bitch#I think people also don't like me because I talk too much I get personal in art posts and I talk a lot#People tend to ignore that#And idk#I have friends who love me and I love them and that means more than anyrhing#But seeing anyone get recognized for Liking Thing makes me#Seriously want to do physical harm to myself sometimes and that's not a joke#I suffer Self Bite when Stressed. I don't know how to Regulate Sometimes.#Why do you think I block so many ppl and whine abt it#I get jealous upset at nothing feeling threatened. sometimes yea ppl post genuinely triggering stuff but half the time I'm just like#HIISS. HISSSS#HiiIIISSS#I need to have my brain cleaned and changed for a better one this isn't kt
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literally all i have been doing the past two weeks is Wanting. they call me the wanter the way i'm wanting things i can never have
#yearning longing whatever you wanna call it#needing as well but to a lesser extent because you can only need to a certain degree before it becomes wanting. lusting for sure#i have not stopped since the year started and i don't see an end in sight yet. i literally can't even think straight anymore#i literally cannot do anything or get anything done i mean i'm bad at that usually but like i genuinely think i've lost it#and as someone who never had it to begin with... idk!!!!#it's like i'm afraid to lose focus on it as if it isn't a constant choice i keep making when i wake up#i must remember that i can give up anything if i decide to. everything could change tomorrow#not looking at him for 2 hours will not make the feeling go away... pls be convinced brain#because i have not been sleeping well </3#and i'm becoming hard to be around again. people can just instinctively tell when i'm being weird#it is important that i be as realistic as possible while being the most deranged person on earth#wouldn't want to hurt myself again lmao... but i always do anyways so i just gotta let it happen#anyways i'm gonna try to watch harold and maude sometime today and also watch another movie bc we are only 4 weeks into 2024#and i already fucked up the 'watch a movie a week' thing i've been doing LMAO all because i wanted to look at a man#i'm ridiculously fucking braindead#not upset about it tho that's just who i am. brain is fully developed in 2 weeks and 1 day so it's never gonna change sadly#atp growing and changing are not impossible but if i do not see a reward of being loved at the end of the tunnel i will end up dead#and it's fine it's all so fine
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Frankly I do not want to think about how long it's been since I did the dishes
... too long, undoubtedly
#speculation nation#im not going to worry about washing all of them#i just need to get at least the dishwasher filled. so i can have Some clean dishes#and i will reward myself with grilled cheese. mmm
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