#or I can go on about it as a reward to myself if I get half done | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theshadowrealmitself · 5 months

Text

I fucking love when characters see themselves in someone else

Current thoughts rn is an oc who’s half human and half a species I made up that’s not well known in the federation and only recently joined it awhile ago

And they wanna be a good representation of their non-human species, but stuff keeps happening that makes them feel like they fail at it

And in many ways, they’re different from Spock, cause Spock looks like a Vulcan and wants people to look at him and see a Vulcan who succeeds at being a Vulcan, whereas this oc looks like a human, but wants people to see them as [species I made up]

But they still have some similarities, and they’re crying cause all this drama happened around them, like their fiancé calling off their engagement during the ceremony, and how they feel like their fiancé wouldn’t have done that to them if they weren’t half human, etc

And Spock is just to the side, distinctly aware that he’s had the same thoughts

#would love to talk about the made up wedding drama #if anyone’s interested 👀#maybe I shouldn’t till after I finish my essay #or I can go on about it as a reward to myself if I get half done #I have written. 200 words. out of 1700.#and it’s due in 5 hours #star trek #s’chn t’gai spock #Spock #star trek oc

51 notes · View notes

monstermoviedean · 11 days

Text

at the end of my fucking rope with "conversations" about k12 chronic absenteeism.

#sorry. work rant #next time you read a headline about it think to yourself. why is it schools' job to get kids to come to school.#why do schools have to bend over backward to cater to kids #kids not wanting to go to school is an extremely common occurrence #the difference now is that the responsibility is being shifted off kids and parents and onto schools #i get that schools can do better i really do #i think there is a shared responsibility #but there is a profound belief across society that school is not important and does not matter #and that needs to be addressed too #i'd say 99% of the examples i hear of systemic school problems are actually just examples of individual bad actors #again. schools have issued that need to be addressed! the public school system has profound inequities!#but when the only problems you point out are 'a kid was mean to my kid' or 'a teacher wasn't as nice as they could be'#you're not interested in changing the system #you're interested in changing your kid's experience #and guess what. demonizing school staff sure isn't going to fix anything #at this point I don't see myself ever going back to teaching #you know who will go into teaching? people who don't give a shit.#and that's not going to help anything either.#you can't attract people who care when people who care are punished and chased out #imagine if instead of constantly bringing up the worst possible examples and insisting they are representative of everyone #the good examples were celebrated and rewarded #same thing happens with the medical profession btw #and again. lots of legitimate examples of harm #(i'm fat ffs i know this)#and also I think it's dangerous to have people delegitimizing medicine to the point that crystals are seen as just as valid as a doctor #sorry. separate rant.#but still. delegitimizing professions that require knowledge skill and training is how we get thousands of unqualified people #homeschooling their kids and treating them with herbs they got from their local Etsy witch

9 notes · View notes

icewindandboringhorror · 3 months

Text

Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...

#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we #enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing #seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you #have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it #actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove #certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple #talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t #edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more #of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is #it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much #to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on #cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the #deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more #cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play #any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods #and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think #about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som #cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o #something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my #hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for #weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar #estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh #.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj

8 notes · View notes

kylos-starlight · 5 months

Text

Adam(Sackler) being super proud of me for taking the stairs again. Still can only get to the 5th floor before I need to stop and catch my breath. I make it to the 9th and go inside, I'm sweaty, my breath is trembling, and my legs feel like absolute jelly but Sackler is there to greet me.

"Don't touch me, I'm sweaty!"

He tells me he doesn't care, his hand places itself over my chest where my heart is and he flashes that little lopsided, goofy smile at me and reiterates what I can already feel.

"Your heart is beating so hard and so fast baby and your cheeks are all red~ you did so good~!!"

he'd envelop me in a tight hug and then brush some of my hair away from my forehead that was stuck there. He's pepper my face with kisses till I was laughing and telling him to stop because I can't catch my breath.

Then he'd give me one final kiss to my lips~

#Something comforting in knowing that he would be cheering me on. Because he's so good at it in canon. Like he gets Hannah to run with him #and he's so encouraging. Even when she lays on the road in defeat he steps over her and yells playfully at her to keep going.#Also he runs ahead and gets her to try and catch up with a reward being a high five. He starts running and is like #'high five me~ you got to catch up to me if you wanna high five~!' He's just so reassuring and so nice! (and silly)#Because I know he is so genuinely nice about loving bodies of every size but also being super encouraging if they wanted to lose a few #pounds I can actually believe he would be this way with me too. <3 #As much as I like to say 'my other f/o love me no matter my body type' a part of me is like 'you're trying to convince yourself but you #have doubts' with Adam I don't have a single doubt in my mind because I SEE it. Its CANON its a part of who he is!#Like I really want to believe my other f/o love me as I am but until then. I know I have Sackler to help me with loving myself. <3 #my favourite bad habit;

9 notes · View notes

thehardkandy · 4 months

Text

in my project management class and one of the bullet points of skills for project management is

girl i am certainly in the wrong location

#like half my anxiety this week is just BEING in a class about project management #but here for clarity that is 100% as expected #the reason im taking this class is not because i want to be a project manager but because i expect it's going to be something i end up #needing to do accidentally in some capacity at some point #and id rather at least get some basics because like girl if being a class with group work is anxiety inducing #imagine being completely unprepared in a situation where you are in fact the only qualified person to take charge #which has happened even if for ultimately minor stuff #i am. trying very hard not to take avoidant behaviour as the defacto answer to things that make me uncomfortable as adult #because no one can stop me from doing it #and so it is up to me to make sure that while ill never cure what's wrong with me #i want to leave myself with enough flexibility to grit my teeth through most situations #and also i guess there are contexts where i DO want responsibility!!!!!#it is genuinely so profoundly rewarding for me to have a meaningful say in the work i am doing #which means either being the sole one working on it #or being in a position to at least have meaningful say on a team

4 notes · View notes

orcelito · 2 months

Text

Having a Saturday like "most people I've dated have only really liked me for my body and/or a fake personality I've presented, so when they know the true me it's not enough to keep them around. Anyways let's have some ramen for my 2 pm breakfast."

#speculation nation #negative/#mayhaps. i am not feeling too great this morning.#this came from me thinkin about my recent ex again and how she said she never actually loved me #(im sick of thinking about it. but i think im gonna be thinking about that for a long long time.)#but i thought about how excited she'd get about my looks n body and i just thought to myself like #'maybe she didnt love me but at least That couldnt have been faked.'#n then i just paused like '...Geeze.' at how depressing a thought it was lmfao #like sorry my personality is ass and my hot bod's the only good thing about me (relationship-wise)#xoxoxo cant help bein a hot mess i guess !#... i dont know if she even realizes the blow she dealt to me by saying that.#i Told her i had trust issues and felt unlovable. i Told her this.#and yet she tells me that she never actually loved me and every time she said it was a 'mistake'. a MISTAKE.#she didnt need to say that. she literally didnt need to say that. even if it was true there are just some things that dont need said.#in the end. she's not the first person who's dealt this kind of blow to me. and she might not be the last.#i'll keep going. i'll keep trying. i know im not actually unlovable. there's gotta be Someone who likes me for more than just my body #who is also a good fit for me. they Gotta exist out there. somewhere.#and for now. i continue on with full confidence in my attractiveness but Zero confidence in my personality.#might try a nice n slow romance next. make them actually work for it b4 they get to sleep with me.#make it a reward or smth. or rather. make sure theyre not here for Just that lol.#sure would be nice if i had someone interested in me for more than just my body. we'll see if i can find that lol.

3 notes · View notes

riotbeankai · 2 months

Text

I really don't know if I can keep doing this job. All the crap I was most afraid of when I was getting my degree that would make me hate doing the job didn't bother me much for the first year or so but now I feel like I'm dying every time I have to come in here and chase people down for important shit that's missing or incorrect that needs to be fixed before I can pay something and I genuinely don't know what to do about it. I feel like I don't really have any other options than to continue working the job I have but I also want to die for the first time in like a decade

#just keep telling myself dont even worry if its done well or done right #does it even really matter does anyone else care #do it slow do it weak do it lost and dead inside and dont worry about it #no one's life depends on it even though people make it feel like that #i just have to do enough to get to the next day #and hope it's enough that i dont get fired #ive got bills to pay and i really dont want to go job hunting when i know i'd probably end up with something that doesnt pay as much #and it probably wouldnt be any more rewarding or any less difficult than what i already do #but i can rationalize and logic at myself all day the bottom line is i hate this and i dont wanna do it and i need a break so bad

2 notes · View notes

writhe · 1 year

Text

-

#i would actually love to just like. stop posting about how terrible i feel all the time #or like how insurmountable sadness is or how overwhelmingly alone i feel in x y or a #but it’s just like!! i’m trying and i don’t have a baseline of resilience anymore like that well dried up forever ago #like i’m just pacing my stupid cage waiting to get better or die trying and it’s so slow as to #be just as agonizing as suffering #i don’t know what to do with myself today or tomorrow or this week or literally ever #like time to just languish and cry until i feel bad enough to do something productive and reap zero reward from acccomishing anything #or whatever once i have it together enough i’m just gonna go out and walk for as long as i can and i’ll just try to sleep after that #excellent way to live my life! i’m so proud of the way i waste my time here on earth!

18 notes · View notes

fruitageoforanges · 10 months

Text

my latest fic-writing revelation: luke and aemond are both middle child mama’s boys. not sure what that reveals, but it sure does say something.

#portrait of a prince bloopers #< so my fic rambling nonsense doesn’t have to go in my main hotd tag #god i need to find someone with exactly the same aemond brainworms as me #so i can just ramble about this fic #it’s so fun!!!!#this fic is also making me fall in love with luke tbh #freeing myself from fanon luke was the best decision #anyway they both have middle child syndrome so bad #helaena being the only daughter means she escapes it but AEMOND #major middle child syndrome #and he would do anything for his mama #writing luke and rhaenyra makes me so sad #though in general getting to tackle rhaenyra daemon and alicent #when they aren’t the main focus of my fic #is really interesting and rewarding

3 notes · View notes

umilily · 11 months

Text

sometimes i'm scared that i've been this way for so long that i don't know how to be anything else anymore.

#lily talks #thinking about what to do after i finish my degree #you know just normal things to ponder at 1am #i've been in this hell called university for so long i can't even imagine doing anything else anymore #goes hand in hand with being depressed and i can't help but wonder if it's just going to be the exact same thing if i decide to do somethin #else instead of getting my masters #i feel like my relationship with uni is the prime example of toxic #because it's going well some days and on those it's very rewarding #but all the others? oh boy #doesn't help either that i've got no clue what i'd even want to do instead #so i can't help but wonder what would be the lesser evil #bc i doubt that i'd get anything better than 'the lesser evil'#also the thought of just saying fuck all of this and starting over from scratch persists #and while i do believe that you can start over at any age the reality that money is a very limiting factor gets worse every year #unfortunately i lack the mental health needed to both work and further educate myself #i really admire everyone who manages #also it doesn't help that i'll have to decide if i want to stay abroad or move back to germany soon-ish #i like it here and while it sucks to be so far away from all of my friends i feel like the change of scenery really did me good #unfortunately living here is extremely expensive.#in any case #this sucks

3 notes · View notes

soryualeksi · 2 years

Text

In all seriousness for once, any other autists / nd folks out there, prefereably with autist / nd kids? Having any suggestions on how to get my 4-years-old son to tolerate ANY medical examination at all?

Because in theory I would have to do a Covid test on him, but there’s no way I’m getting the swab in his mouth.

Taking a temperature in any way? Refusal. Letting doctors check inside his mouth / ears / eyes? Rarely possibly, with lots of convincing and a lot of time. Basically, he is VERY uncomfortable with all medical examinations and his reaction to things that make him uncomfortable is avoiding (understandable), running away, stiffing his body in some corner, refusing to move at all and eventually screaming himself into a meltdown...

I don’t want to override his bodily autonomy and FORCE him into medical examinations, BUT medical intervention to assure his health are also the one line I draw where I say “In this case I can and WILL override your will if I have to, because it is my responsibility as your parent to keep you save.” It’s the one thing I am, reluctantly, willing to force him into if I have to. But I wish I didn’t HAVE to. Because it’s BAD to override his own autonomy over his body and it makes him feel bad and also I’m scared it will traumatize him in the long run. (It doesn’t happen often, just so I’m not being creepy / callous. It’s actually VERY rare I force him and it’s ALWAYS about serious health issues. Think “can’t breathe because lungs full of infectious slime” that has to be treated.)

So any ideas, any ideas at all, how to get him to, you know, want to “comply” on his own? Because I’m reaching a bit of mental breaking point here from the stress of one kid with Covid and now trying to get the other kid to at least let me take ONE GODDAMN MOUTH SWAB. And for the future, I can’t always have “how the FUCK am I gonna get him to get examined and treated without it being a potentially traumatizing disaster with lots of screaming and crying”.

What would / did help you / your kids / kids you know with getting less uncomfortable and scared of medical procedures? Because it’s a very specific issue and I’m just. Drawing a blank. I guess because I can’t really make out what makes ME tolerate this kind of stuff, but in my case I think it’s because medical stuff is my special interest and I’m weird about it?

I just want to be able to take a temperature or do a goddamn Covid swab from the mouth without everything being horrible.

#it's like the one line he draws in the sand and i just can't bring myself to make overriding it the way to go IT'S WRONG #but i also can't seem to get him to be comfortable enough with it to tolerate it without issue #but i also don't wanna be like autists have to HARDEN themselves into BEARING with how uncomfortable the world is bc that SUCKS too #i WANT him to enforce his boundaries #i feel BAD trying to shift his boundaries #but ALSO medical intervention is necessary for his wellbeing and i HAVE to #it's like a no win situation #actuallyautistic #parenting stuff #kids stuff #autistic parents #with autistic kids #what helps you calling on all autists for tips and tricks #i tried rewards and sooometimes they work but not reliably enough #i would not be asking this if it was about literally ANY other issue than maintaining his health and safety #it's my one override of everything in this family #he's too young to decide he'd rather be seriously sick lmao #i tell him he can decide to refuse medical treatment when i'm no longer his caretaker responsible for it lol #i respect people refusing medical treatment buuuuut not a four year old kid #you get me right #autism stuff #neurodivergent stuff

17 notes · View notes

incendiorum-arch · 2 years

Text

io’s perception of being loved is so warped that I don’t even know how to explain it half the time. it’s not their fault at all. their parents (mother, specifically) are absolutely the reason and io’s never been able to get past the mindset of someday this person is going to tell me they don’t love me anymore. it’s rooted in them, that mindset. you can tell them you love them to the high heavens and back and io will still have a seed of doubt in their chest. sometimes it’s dormant. sometimes it’s not. it depends.

#◜❝ 𝙰𝙱𝙾𝚄𝚃. ⟩⟩ i’m losing myself to rage. ❞◞#you get love treated as a reward for many many years and you start out thinking about it #unlike anyone else thinks about it #io grew up thinking love could be retracted at any time if someone was mad at them #and so they continue thinking that #even if they have no evidence for it #even if the person who loves them would never do that #io's trust issues are so so so deep rooted #and they're not? something io can go 'oh this isn't true' and be ok with it #I think that's important to add #they struggle immensely with their trust issues #and they try very hard to keep them quiet but sometimes they just need reassurance #you know?#emotional abuse tw #child abuse tw #nothing in these tags is coherent lbr

7 notes · View notes

spirirsstuff · 1 year

Text

guess who just spent around 180 dollars at barnes and noble buying manga (me)

#randomrambles #a shame the buy one get one half off sale wasn’t still on #but a family member let’s me use their rewards and i got them 7 stamps for a discount (you need 10)#but i got some death note some ultra despair girls and some spy x family so im set for about a week #but also pain bc they didn’t have death note 4 (black edition which has 7 and 8)#but they had the side stories #maybe next time i can find number 4 i hope #maybe i just spent a fuck ton of money but im very happy with myself #the rest of my family is going to be extremely surprised when i come home #it’s HEAVY like my arms were hurting carrying them around the store and waiting in the long ass line #but very rewarding i will be reading for a while

4 notes · View notes

shatterthefragments · 7 days

Text

Oh fuck right off (affectionate) I LOVE SHORT SLEEVE SHIRTS LIKE THAT SO MUCH (also the grin I grinned when I saw the new ii drumsticks aaah)

#shatters’ fragments #still not feeling great about things but at least I can still find pockets of joy #surely I can find a way to make it work?????????#…maybe as a reward for not killing my family I guess?#I’m… a bit of a nervous driver depending on who’s with me #I’m still hoping I don’t have to drive though #fuuuuck there’s a lot to prep once I get home #maybe I should bake a snack to bring with…#I NEED to go to bed early. I don’t think I’ll be able to nap at any point since I’m navigating #it would be a little bit funny if I just. stopped driving #(I drive to work most days. currently all days 😬)#but anyway #I should go find myself some breakfast #maybe I’ll eat in the courtyard today :)

0 notes