#option to be normal and die but chose not to and through his own actions made himself significant

[pikkish]

Yeah we've already talked about how outright stupid the lore n writing for modern Doom is, but tbh I can understand why they had to do something with Doomguy, why they had to make him The Specialest Boy instead of Just Some Guy. Do I like how they did it? No, I would've taken it a different direction. Do I think that hugo could've done it well even if he took it in the direction I would've? No, I have minimal faith in his story writing. But realistically, how many times can a guy singlehandedly accomplish the impossible before you have to acknowledge he's very much not Just Some Guy who happened to be at the right place at the right time? I think that, with how every single other person on the Phobos UAC base were killed in Doom I, doomguy stopped being Just Some Guy the moment he decided to do anything other than just lie down and die.

[nephilimeq]

Scott Was Never the Hero

Incoming Rant: Re-watching the first season of TW I have realised why I never felt that Scott was The Hero of the story even if the writers did not stop hammering the idea that he was pure and perfect and always right. He never sacrifices himself. This is a classic of fiction, the hero will always be the one who makes the greatest sacrifices for the common good and for those they love, renouncing happiness, normality and even their own life.

But Scott never does that. Even in the first season this is very clear. The first few episodes emphasise that playing lacrosse and dating Allison are things he wants, but are dangerous to himself and those around him. The narratively logical thing would be that, after a period of selfish refusal, he would realise that the right thing to do is to give up what he loves until he has better control of himself and his new powers, sacrificing his temporary happiness for the good of others.

Instead, the narrative rewards Scott with control gained through Deux Ex Machina and not hard work, he gets to date Allison and becomes a Lacrosse star without sacrifices and therefore doesn't grow or evolve at all. This keeps up for all 6 seasons. Meanwhile, everyone else around him is constantly sacrificing their safety, sanity and even life for the common good.

And ten years later in the movie nothing has changed. Scott’s still not the one performing the sacrifice, he's still not the hero yet. He gives nothing, but the narrative rewards him with true love. Meanwhile Derek gives his own life to save those he loves he is The Hero.

My reply to all of this?

Pretty much everyone else in Teen Wolf has been a hero in the show, and it has never been Scott.

We have so many other characters sacrifice and give up so much of themselves to Scott’s crusade, and to his illusion of power as a proverbial “True Alpha” (I throw up in the back of my throat just writing it), and we never see any of it acknowledged by anybody, let alone Scott.

As I have rewatched the series, it is glaringly obvious that Stiles is the true main character of the show. He is the one who pushes the narrative the most, he is the one who digs for the information when no one else will. He drove the entire narrative of finding out the truth about Derek’s past, about Malia’s past, about Kira’s past, and even about Theo (god, I hate his character, too).

Scott's actions throughout the years are completely performative and nearly always in his own self-interest. He coerces, guilts, and emotionally manipulates his "friends" throughout the show all in some perverse power play.

Derek, on the other hand, risks his life over and over again for not only his pack, but for Scott, too. Derek was willing to die for his pack, whereas Scott couldn’t even be inconvenienced by them getting kidnapped, assuming that they were already dead and not even wanting to go after them. Derek not only put his life on the line for his pack time and time again, but he also chose each one of them and gave them the option to say no to the bite. He made it appealing, yes...but he still gave them a choice. Scott never did.

Scott has never been the hero.

Ever.

[benjaminvox]

His backstory was more than just a casual lore dump, at least...to him.

Usually, Benjamin remained professional. He'd been created by Melissa, moulded into the man that he'd become through constant states of learning. Everything she did was a lesson, and he'd been wise to learn that quickly. She had no patience for fools, and he'd spent one too many days on the end of that (what felt like) eternal glare. And somehow, in Gideon's presence, a man he respected...

that grasp slipped through his fingers sometimes.

And he'd hate to be at the end of Melissa's wrath should he offend her favourite. Bitterness laced the end of that internal tone, but it was muted. It was when Gideon barked back, that he felt the need to heel, "That's the point, though, isn't it? You didn't stop think..." he dropped the harshness of his tone, instead he simply told him. Straight to the point.

Not everything is as easy as it seems, he wants to say. But the other, more logically part of Benjamin knows that Gideon understands that. He took a moment, to roll out the tension that'd set between his shoulder blades, as he watched Gideon's reaction as he recounted how he'd ended up here.

"I'm listening..."

Having Gideon's attention, for anyone who'd spent their life admiring The Rutherford's couldn't deny it was a thrill: he was but a man. But in the same breath, he felt he could never truly understand...still, he tried. The things he'd witnessed, and then perpetrated himself to get to this position. He'd learned early on that nothing came without a price. Even life, the price: death.

The name, Étienne's, brings a sense of fear into Benjamin that he'd never been able to replicate elsewhere, even when he thought he might die. Instead, with a thick swallow, and his blood running cold, he gave a nod. "Yep." he couldn't say more, didn't trust his voice to stay strong.

He hated it, that inherent weakness...that choking fear. With the Rutherford's, he'd never had to worry that he might round a corner. They aided that hatred, had let it fester in him when he'd been a young, impressionable boy...and promised him he'd get his vengeance one day.

It's Gideon's confession that has him turning his head. Maybe he could understand how it changed people -- especially children. "I'm sorry you were subjected to the same fate, whether similar or not." and he meant that, regardless of all else. He wished that on no one. "Resignation in it was never an option for me...I can't let it go."

He listened, he watched...and Benjamin realises they're probably still worlds apart...they'd taken a least one step forward. Something...anything. But they'd never see eye to eye on one thing.

Melissa.

It was both infuriating...and that intrusive thought, the one he banished knew that in his absence, he got her attention. But was she truly happy? And that'd always bug a man whose purpose was to see her both happy, and impressed.

“Mine." people were so often scared to take the blame for their actions, their choices. Every decision made got them to the place they needed be...Melissa never forced him to be there. He came here of his own free will. "It wouldn’t be her fault. I chose it, this. I needed something... someone I could believe in, after my family. And it couldn't be the same person who ripped them away from me”

"And it couldn't be a normal life...this anger in me? It needs to be channelled somewhere. A local boxing ring isn't gonna do it. Instead, I need to be occupied," Melissa often said tamed, like he was a beast she was caging until she needed to release him. "My parents... their choices weren’t about loyalty, fuck, it was some part greed. The other? I don't know...survival, fear. They didn’t care what it cost anyone else as long as they were safe.”

Not thinking of their children.

He meets Gideon’s gaze, "She doesn’t hide. She faces her shit, no matter the risk. It’s not perfect, Jesus, half the time I wanna quit my job, the other time I'm close to a mental breakdown...but it’s something I can respect. And if I die for it, then... that’s on me."

"Benjamin, you're dumping your bloody backstory on me for the first time. Excuse me if I haven't stopped to think about your reasons before this. Money or otherwise." His voice is terse, irritated by the surly suggestion that he should've divested more time philosophizing over the young thug's motives, simply because he works in healthcare.

... Who's got the fucking time for that?

But he's more than willing to admit it's new information, which is why he waves a hand a moment later, prompting the young man to continue. "Well, go on... I'm listening." It helps that Benjamin starts with a quip about how he doesn't know Melissa Lin – which is easy enough to ignore – because shockingly, Gideon has zero interest in getting to know her any better than he already does. That's old news.

The knowledge that Benjamin's family has French origins, is new, however. He wouldn't have figured it, not with a surname like Vox. Étienne's name also rings a bell. Gideon glances over his shoulder to make sure there aren't bystanders around who shouldn't overhear such a gory conversation. "The one who broke Melissa's jaw?"

Though he dislikes her, and still feels she'd invited retaliation after choosing to profit off of crime, it doesn't mean he's wholly insensate, not even when it comes to Melissa. It was an ugly episode, barbaric, and seeing her with her jaw wired shut in the hospital hadn't brought him the pleasure that she or Benjamin might've assumed it would.

"For the record... I don't know what life your parents led, or what choices they made, but I know what it's like to lose both parents in the blink of an eye." Does Benjamin know it about him?... He isn't sure what Melissa has or hasn't shared with the boy.

"And I don't think any kid deserves that." Is it awkward to opt for sympathy after he'd upbraided the young man mere minutes ago?...

... Yes. Hell yes. Gideon takes a swig of his beer.

He even lets Benjamin speak with worshipful tones about Melissa without interrupting. Which frankly, says a lot. But Gideon has a different question for him, now. "You said your parents were disloyal, yet you blame the French for their demise. You're loyal to Mrs. Lin. If you changed your mind and died for it, who'd be to blame? You or Mrs. Lin?"

Think, he wants to tell the young man. He still wants to shake him, albeit a little more gently, now. The nicer one who pulls the strings, is still the one who pulls the strings.

[subwaysurf45]

Winter Makes Ice (Ep. 4)

Summary: you’re captured after a brawl at the Avengers building, Bucky and others must save you before Hydra makes a new Winter Soldier out of you, Bucky has given up that title.

Words: 4123

Episode: Four

Warning: violence, gore, description of violence, fighting

Masterlist! Winter Makes Ice Episode: Three

Time: 3:20am

Date: October 3rd 2024

Wakanda was always calm when Steve went, the people who lived there just seemed to understand the ways of life. There was never a catcall or fight in an alley, people greeted each other with kindness and a soft bow, Steve always copied but felt like he was too stiff when he did so. He found he walked with his back a little straighter and his chin a little higher, he felt unstoppable in the warm climate, filled with power and generosity. 

Natasha on the other hand hated Wakanda, not because of the people but for the same reason as Steve; it was too peaceful. She’d always get the dirtiest looks when trying to explain her case, no one seemed to understand the concept of ‘too much comfort is uncomfortable’. She ran to Bucky once after a moment and asked him why he liked it so much, she thought he off all people would hate comfort, he’d always be one to sleep on the floor because the mattress would feel like it was swallowing him. He just shook his head and shrugged, he’d never tell anyone why; Nat found out he never even told you. 

Natasha had been trained to trust no one other than yourself, but after escaping the Red Room she questioned the one in the mirror all too often. People would smile and while Steve smiled and waved Natasha thought of ulterior motives, why were they smiling to them and not the people slightly behind them? but then they’d smile to the people behind Natasha and she’d question if it was to cover themselves. The welcoming's to almost everywhere felt weird, she wanted to break in or have to fake her way to what she wanted, having doors opened for her felt like a slap in the face for all the things she’s done for those years before. 

“God, gives me the creeps,” Natasha faked a shiver, Steve just rolled his eyes. They were walking in the palace now, T’Challa would be waiting for them in Shuri’s tech room. 

Apparently Shuri had been wanting to try a new type of cuff, one made of- obviously -vibranium that tightens at a lie. There were little needles that poke into the culprit's nervous system, it picks up on someone’s sign that they are lying and tightens when the little pins are triggered. If someone's breath picked up or heart rate doubled, it would squeeze a little bit more until their hands were blue. Nat thought it was amazing when she heard it over the phone, her mind was picturing it the entire flight over. 

Steve had been thinking about Bucky, Steve was well aware of Bucky’s deep connection to you. You’d been dating for over a year and it was love at first sight (then Bucky quietly loving you from the other side of the room), Bucky was never one to fall for someone, he’d never have the confidence in himself that he’d be here for too long. But it was the little things Bucky began to do that made Steve appreciate you even more. He’d watch from his spot on the kitchen counter, quietly sipping coffee and reading the paper, which wasn’t actually paper because it was on his phone, while glancing over every so often to see you and Bucky in your own little world, both giggling at something. There's this moment for Bucky when he’d just look at you, Steve had seen it happen so often, like Bucky was taking a step back and realizing he had someone who loved him unconditionally. The laugh would die down and Bucky would whisper something, it would alway be along the lines of ‘thank you’ but it could change. He’d sometimes do it with Steve as well, both you and Steve would say the same thing, ‘no need to thank me, but you’re welcome’ because that’s what Bucky liked best. 

You were just an agent when you arrived, nothing more. Slowly you had gotten to know who everyone was by going out of your way to give out cookies to everyone who walked by you, it was a little thing Bucky seemed to really enjoy. After your talents were discovered from past jobs you were moved to a spy, you’d used to work for a private firm where they’d track down people who launder money, you’d have to get so much evidence it often led you to get jobs at mattress stores or random shops. With that and a lifeguard certification- that you got when you were a teen- under your belt you were perfect to be an agent, Fury introduced you to Bucky for combat training because Bucky needed to learn how to work with others; Steve actually told Fury to give Bucky the assignment. 

You’d spar everyday and the both of you would get into it. There would be times where you wouldn’t talk to each other for the rest of the day because the other cheated. Everyone would laugh but you’d take it very seriously, Bucky would always say you weren’t strong enough to go out into the field, so you lifted weights. He’d say you weren’t fast enough, then he’d see you sprinting on the treadmill a day later. 

Steve knew you were good for Bucky when you were about to start dating, it was at that part where you were going on dates but you weren’t dating. With all the things Bucky had criticized you on, you flipped it on him with one simple task: keep your fiddle-leaf fig plant alive. It would’ve taken Bucky one google search to find out that 61% of people can’t keep this house plant alive, it’s the hardest one to take care of. It was a metaphor of sorts, for you and for your relationship. 

It wasn’t a surprise to find it dead when you got home, Steve came to you with his shoulders slumped. Apparently Bucky had been crying for three days straight because he killed your plant and he thought you’d dump him because of it. It was the weird feelings when Steve saw you start to laugh, this was his best friend who was crying of guilt and you were laughing, he’d wanted to punch you square in the jaw. 

“What’s so funny?” he asked way too harshly. 

“Oh nothing…” you wiped the tear that had fallen. 

“Baby, I’m so sorry!” Bucky had left his room and came running to you, his face was red and his eyes were barely open from how puffy they were. He quickly pulled you in for a hug, “I messed up your plant, I’m sorry.”

Steve was getting redder and redder the more you laughed, “what’s so fucking funny, huh?” Steve boomed, he was getting protective. 

You had dropped the act then, both of them were very emotional at the moment and laughing wouldn’t be the best choice of action. “Don’t worry, Bucky,” you soothed him, “you weren’t supposed to keep alive.” 

“What?” he pulled away and sniffled, “but you asked me to-”

“To try,” you paused with emphasis, “and keep one of the hardest plants to keep alive, alive.” you smiled, “I was proud that I had kept it alive for as long as I did, but I needed to see what you would do with something like this.” 

“Why?” Steve asked for Bucky, still very protective. 

“Did you buy a new one and hope I didn’t notice?” You asked, Bucky shook his head no. “did you get mad at me because I gave you a stupid chore?” He also said no to that. “Did you make Wanda keep it alive with her powers?” all these options ran through Bucky’s head and he didn’t even think of them, “you put so much effort into this, and even if you did fail you still cared a lot, that’s all I ever want. I want this relationship to work and if you run at the first sign of adversity then this won’t work, but you buckle down and keep pushing, and if it doesn’t work? Then I know you actually cared, and you tried. That’s all.” 

“You’re a keeper.,” Steve said before walking away and giving them space to catch up. 

Nat waved a hand in front of Steve’s face, and it turns out he’d been staring at T’Challa for a while while he was talking. They had walked the entire way and Steve just stared at the ground with a blank expression, he needed to look out for you in order to keep Bucky sane. 

“S-sorry, I zoned out.” Steve straightened his posture a bit, hands on hips and shoulders rolled back.

“No worries, captain Rogers.” T’Challa spoke calm as ever, “I have the criminals in the room, they have the new tech that’s already set up, my sister wanted to set it up.” T’Challa opened one arm and guided them to the secret room where two men sat with their hands cuffed and on their laps. “Neither of them have any record of being born, probably a fake identity.” The king linked arms with Shuri and walked out of the small room. 

Seeing how grand and futuristic Shuri’s lab was made it shocking to be in a normal interrogation cell, two rusty chairs that were occupied and no table. Steve looked to see the single light that hung from the ceiling, it wasn’t a soft yellow like the one’s at the Avenger building but purple, vibranium always casted a purple/blue hue. 

“Where are you from?” Steve asked. 

“Iceland.” the one on Steve’s left answered. 

“Is Hydra now stationed in Iceland?” Nat cut in and asked. 

“One station, there’s many.” The same man on the left kept talking, the other one had his head all the way down with his forehead touching his knees. 

Steve leaned up against the wall, “you attacked Princes Shuri, why?”

“Because she is the one that made us start from the very beginning, she's the one that erased the trigger words from your friend and our weapon.” He snarled, “She needed to pay for what she did, we should have known Wakanda was the hardest place to attack, we’d need a Winter Soldier for that.” A smirk grew from the right side of his mouth. 

“What are you smiling about?” Nat pressed, she walked closer.

“Oh, nothing- ow!” the handcuffs tightened, his breathing rate doubled as he tried to ride out the initial shock. 

“Tell us!” Steve smashed the wall, causing a dent to grow from it. 

“Fine…” the man adjusted, “once we found out we’d never get our Winter Soldier back we quickly moved on, no one can break Wakanda’s tech, it’s impossible.” The man sighed and looked off, “so we chose to start again, make a new way, create a new trial. It’s safe to say we did.” he took a deep breath and leaded back against his chair, his fingertips were beginning to turn purple, it was difficult to see with the purple hue of the room. “When we attacked your building we didn’t want Barnes, we wanted someone, anyone. This girl was the closest to us, and it seemed to be the closest to Barnes, am I right?” he quizzed, seemed to be genuinely wondering. “She’d wake up and forget where she is, normally she’d pat the ground beside her and call out for a man named Bucky, that’s Barnes. It was the perfect choice, completely on a whim.” He looked at Nat, “she got her confidence from you, the entire time we were slowly poisoning her she completely believed she was here for ransom, it was funny to see her face when he told her what we did to her, how we now control her. The look on her face when we asked who wiped Barnes’ trigger words… She spit them out but her face was full of fear, her voice and thoughts weren’t her own.” 

“Why would you tell us all of this?” Steve asked. 

“I know I will die,” the cuffs didn’t tighten, “and my friend is already dead, I’d like to go with a bullet and not torture.” He looked up to them. “I think my father has passed, he worked for Hydra and I’d like to see him, to ask for forgiveness.”

Natasha pushed back the other man who hadn’t spoken a word to find his hands blackened and completely dead, the tightness had cut off all circulation. Right near the edge of the cuff and on the man’s skin was starting to split, there was no blood to leak out of the cut because there wasn’t blood in the veins, it was slowly falling and peeling away. 

“You tortured my friend- two of them actually!” Steve screamed, “I hope to god you die slowly.” Steve lifted his gun to the man’s face, he closed his eyes. But Steve moved the aim to the thigh, you had told him that a shot to the femoral artery was fatel after ten seconds of bleeding, you had also told him that the femur- which was what the femoral artery is attached to -is the most painful break for bones. 

So Steve shot at the middle of the thigh, he and Nat watched without emotion as the man quickly bled out, the blood squirted in the air and rolled down his pants. Blood coming from an artery is bright red and tends to squirt, but from a vein makes the blood more slow and dark. When the final squirt of blood managed to hit the man’s face, Steve knew he hit right on target; and that you were right for all those things.

Time: 5:59am

Date: October 3rd 2024

Bucky and Wanda walked through the forest, most of the leaves had fallen off the trees due to the season so they could see further into the thick woods. Not a lot of talking was happening between the two of them, Bucky was way too focused on keeping his cool while Wanda used her powers to see if there was any form of life around. 

The wind blew softly and the leaves that held on for dear life were now getting pushed aside off the flimsy twigs, they would fall and join the other countless leaves that met the same fate. Wanda loved the fall, she’d jump into a pile of leaves any chance she got. Right now she was purposely stepping on the ones that looked the most dry which would give a good crunch. Her nose was a little red due to the cold but everywhere else she was yellow and happy, it seemed she gave off heat.

Bucky hated the fall, the sound of stepping on leaves sounded like someone was right behind him. If there was a Hydra agent out in these woods they would have heard them from a mile away with all of Wanda’s jumping and giggling. Bucky loved Wanda in a motherly kind of way, but sometimes she was just too...happy…

When everything seemed lost, Bucky and Wanda’s phones began to vibrate, Bucky was quick to pick up. Both Bucky and Wanda made their way to a tree stump to take a moment to listen. Wanda sat on the ground floor and picked at the tons of leaves that covered the ground, she’d pick and rip them apart one by one. 

“It’s Steve,” Bucky whispered before picking up, “Steve?”

“Buck, you have to listen to me,” his voice was shaken and distraught, “I’ve sent the coordinates, she’s there but I don’t know how much of her is left.” 

“What does that mean?” Bucky asked as he looked over to see Wanda looking at the coordinates on her phone. 

“I don’t know how much has happened to her, they’ve brainwashed her.” Steve took a deep breath, Bucky could hear Nat in the background, “we have to act fast, we’re on our way, do not wait for us.” he commanded and Bucky nodded but he knew Steve couldn't see, there was a type of mind reading between the two of them that really came in handy for times like these. 

“Roger that.” Bucky hung up and began to move again, Wanda had read the location and it turned out they weren’t that far away, at the final stretch they saw the building through the empty trees. 

The forest had been cleared around the building, the grass seems healthy but it was starting to brown with the changing weather. The building itself was very small for it to be the most dangerous Hydra facility, it was only one story. There were no windows and the outer wall was all one grey colour, no symbols or tanks ready to fire; there wasn’t even a guard around the building. It seemed too vacant for it to be true, the wind seemed to stop as they got closer into the open field, it was completely still and almost dead. 

Bucky or Wanda actually had a plan, everything had been so fast there wasn’t anything drawn out or spoken about at some meeting, this was all instinct. Though there were no windows and security cameras they both knew something had to be watching the outside, they were low to the ground in the open field but the grass was way too short to cover them. Bucky had his gun ready while Wanda’s hands were in a position to create a shield for the both of them, at the sound of a vibration Wanda checked her phone. 

“Steve and Nat have landed, they are five minuets out,” she whispered. 

“Copy.” was all Bucky could think to say. 

Both of their backs smashed against the wall, with their final moments of bliss before fighting a couple deep breaths were taken and eyes remained shut. Bucky’s finger fiddled on the trigger of the gun, Imagining what it would look like to blow the man who hurt you to oblivion. Bucky moved further and farther away from his Winter Soldier thoughts, the mass murder and robotic revenge. But when it came to someone hurting you, he’d even put the mask back on.

On the count of three the door was bursted open, and right away agents on the inside began to fire. Wanda and Bucky took them down their own way. 

One agent was still alive, Bucky ran up and gripped his throat. “Where is she!” he screamed. 

“You’ll never know-”

A gun was placed to his head. 

“-Alright! Alright!” The man shrieked, “third door on the left, please don’t kill me!” the man cried. 

“I won’t kill you,” Bucky lowered his gun but the grip on his neck tightened, “I’ll torture you slowly before.'' His left hand gripped so tight around the agent’s neck he could hear the bone shattering, clear fluid from the agent’s spine leaked from his eye and ear before blood followed. Bucky watched emotionlessly as the agent’s face turned blue and almost popped like a balloon. “Wanda, get them all outside.” 

“Yes, sergeant!” Wanda yelled, she was fighting off everyone else. 

Bucky blew by everyone as they ran to see the commotion, so ran right by Bucky without thinking he was the threat. Wanda was now outside and in a matter of seconds the eeriness of the outside matched the inside, the air was still and stuffy, it smelt like the beginning of decomposing. Bucky had his gun ready but it seemed no one was in here, his only threat was you. 

Bucky took note of the stone grey floors, and stone grey walls, and stone grey ceilings. HYDRA didn’t put much money into design like the Avenger’s did, all the funds they collected went straight into the tech they made and Bucky was sure that’s why they were still around, they had so much money saved that they could pay people to turn their cheek and walk the other way. 

As Bucky scanned for something to give away where all the scientists were, his eye met another door in the very corner of the room, it was exactly the same colour of the stone grey walls but the brass door knob caught his eye. All you could hear was the boot of Bucky’s combat boots on the floor, his breath was even scaring him. His hand reached out for the door and when he opened it he found what he was worrying about. 

A cell. More specifically: an empty cell. 

There were chains hanging from the ceiling, one large cuff, one for what seemed to be used for a neck and then four cuffs for wrists and ankles. Bucky completely forgot where he was, he didn’t remember there was an entire lab behind him, all his mind was throwing at his memories of a cell just like this. 

Bucky didn’t remember much about cells in the early days fighting against HYDRA in a cell, in the 40’s. He did, however, remember what it was like to come out of ice when he was needed. The concept of life didn’t exist when he was frozen, it felt like a long blink, it didn’t seem like he’d been asleep for years.

He’d wake up and for a second he was still normal. He’d think it’s cold because it was winter and his house back in the 40’s didn’t have any type of heating system except for a small fireplace, his boots and pants were still on because he got hammered the night before- also explaining the headache -and just fell into bed. All his convincing would go away when his brain would fog again, and he’d look down and catch the shine of his left arm, all at once he’d fall back into place. The dissociating happens after dreams but it came from waking up and not really knowing who he was, as he’d walk to whatever commander was in charge that year he’d ask himself what he was, all the memories and answers in his brain would seem to pull further away, like a word in the tip of his tongue. 

He was ripped from his thoughts manually, he thought of you. He thought he was hypnotizing himself when he looked in there at first, too triggered by what he saw to think straight, but he took another moment to look, he saw the chains swinging back and forth ever so slightly.

His stomach dropped, he knew you were still in the room. “Sweetheart?” he called like he always did, “it’s Bucky, we’re gonna get you out of here, come out, baby.” he tried to sound as soothing as possible, he looked under every lab table and every chair. 

He flipped through pages on his desk, reading the details of what they did to you. “What is I.C.E.?” Bucky asked himself. 

“Injected Complying Enhancement.” 

Bucky turned as fast as he could to see you behind him. You were completely naked, body covered in dirt and grime, your hair was hacked and it seemed to have been pulled. Bucky just looked at your body, words were carved into your skin, every single one of them were infected, puss bubbles around the angry red scars. As his eyes trailed up he saw blue on your finger tips, then he reached your face to see a sunken cheekbone and massive cut on your forehead, but nothing compared to a generous piece of your nose hanging on by a thread, the tip was black. 

“Baby, do you know me?” Bucky asked through heavy tears, this wasn’t what he was expecting. 

You scanned over him, “Sergeant, James Buchanan Barnes, 32557038.” 

Right at that moment, he knew you were gone.

Winter Makes Ice tag list: @small-death-and-codeine​ @commonintrest​ @buckyys-doll​  @lil-baby-nor​

let me know if you want a tag!

[satorugojowidow]

You're Argentine, and a teacher, so you're basically the only one I know in this small portion of the jjk fandom that will understand this ask. This is something I've seen fans say, even mutuals, and really bothers me

I actually HATE how some fans say they dislike Gojo because "he has the power to change everything like he says he wants to do, but he doesn't do anything! Hypocrite!" "He can just kill the higher ups and restart everything!"

Does it remind you of anything?

Who is Gojo to change everything, more than some rich dude that happened to won the jujutsu lottery (in terms of power)?

I know Gege portrays the higher ups as conservative and shitty, and they are...... But Gege makes Gojo take the correct path, the wisest part: education. You change with education, you make a better future with education

Why should we get rid of a government by force just because we don't like it? Why should he, who gave him the right? Gojo knows that isn't his right to change everything because he disagrees with the current reality of jujutsu society, and that's how it should be! It gives me justification of coups vibes. It's fucked up on so many levels. What do you think?

Those people are being incredibly naive. Even if I know you understand this, I will explain in case someone else is reading this.

The idea that one person strong/powerful enough can fix all problems and create a better world is a naive idea and it shows that person doesn’t understand how structures of oppression works and how politics works.

Regarding Satoru, it is not a matter of will, he just can’t fix things by himself. And all the power he has does nothing because it is not a matter of power or strength. The whole past arc is to explain this idea and in consequence why Satoru chose to be a teacher.

Suguru is a victim of jujutsu society and his violence is nothing more than a radical form of the violence existing in jujutsu society. This is not to excuse his actions, but to understand why he ended up in that particular path, following those ideas.

The irony of Suguru’s fall is that he doesn’t fall for the violence of non sorcerers, but for the violence and injustice of the jujutsu system that pushes him to the verge. Maybe the cult that hired Toji was from non sorcerers, but those who put childrens on the line, isolated them, and used them like tools are the elders of jujutsu society. Suguru fell because of contradictions of the idea that he had of sorcerers’ role (teached by the elders) and reality. Who teached Suguru to kill with no remorse? He didn’t start to kill people one random day, he started killing people because he was teached that curse users are dangerous and must die. Sorcerers teached him that killing was an option in his job and killing the problematic is a solution.

During the KFC breakup, Satoru realized that Suguru was lost. But his loss wasn’t due to the action of a particular person, but the pressure of a cruel and violent system whose goal is to sustain a hierarchy of power. If it was one person, Satoru could fight that person, but since it was due to a sumatory of circumstances, he can’t do anything about it. That is the meaning of this panel.

Satoru realized to save young students like Suguru he must change the condition that drived Suguru downhill. But that is something he can’t do alone.

-

The first reason is because he is just powerful in terms of strength, he could kill all the people he thinks are problematic and then what? A better world will not be born just because you kill the bad people of the world. This is because the structures of power are normalized in our society and everyone is part of it due the cultural transmission. Even the oppressed one reproduces their own system of oppression and it requires a lot of effort to try to break through. LGBTIQ+ people know this very well and it requiere a lot of reflection and effort to stepaside heteronormative behaviors. The story of the community is not only a story of a fight for human rights, it is also the story of the progresive discussion to think of individuals from a different lense than the one that heteronormativity provides. Something similar happens regarding feminism, the problem of patriarchy won’t get solve by killing all the living men. Feminism reject that idea because is criminal and not aceptable and also because does nothing for the problem. If you kill al the problematic people you will just get a landscape of death bodies and of course you will become a murder, not a savior. I will insist on this idea that “one person can fix everything” is to believe that problems are simple. Shoko will agree with me, since she called Suguru childish for having this same naive idea (he was 17 at the time, but ten years passed and he never got to understand).

Regarding this idea of “one person can fix everything”, it is clear to me that Gege goes in the opposite direction. Not only with Satoru, but it's also proven that this is impossible to reach with the Suguru example.

The second reason is: Satoru doesn’t have all the answers. He can understand why something is wrong, but that doesn’t mean that he knows exactly how to make this function in another way. For example, we can know that capitalism is wrong but we don't know what system could replace it for good. We can have a general idea of how that system could be, but we don’t have the details to put them on a function like some reestructuracion in a company.

This is a discussion in the field of political science and philosophy. The system creates a subjectivity that doesn’t allow us to imagine new possible worlds. That is why the new social movements create alternatives not from theory, but from action.

Is clear to me that Satoru is very smart but not a political animal. He is absolutely marginalized from jujutsu politics, even if he is leader of a clan he can’t push any of his decisions through cohesive methods, he has to threaten elders to make them accept his wiil. That is why as soon as he was gone, elders went after the people he protected. How a person who can’t play the political game to push his vision of the world — while being in a situation of privilege in the system of power — can assume like the ultimate leader and decide how things will be from now on? He can’t. I know people believe he has a god complex, but actually Satoru is very down to earth regarding his capacities to change things.

Fighting against a system of oppression requires methods for the short term, the middle term, and the long term. In short time Satoru can push his decision to keep students alive, in the middle term he and his allies can push some alternatives methods or even try to change some rules, but in the long term he needs a new generation of people who think in the sorcery world from a different point of view. Because the system will only be finished when no more people reproduce it, to reach the point where no more people participate in it, people must be teached that other worlds are possible. And that is not about indoctrinating, but to give them the tools to think for themselves, to imagine and create a better world for them. Educate for the emancipation of the oppressed. Satoru can’t save people, he just can help them if they are willing to accept his help.

[naomihatake]

Honestly, I love this take. It's realistic and it makes so much sense. I've never been a fan of Sasuke, I have to admit, but hating him isn't on the list either. I'm rather conflicted of what to think of him, but at the end of the day he is, in a way or another, a real person who lives in Naruto verse and has gone through a lot.

I don't even necessarily think I should have a certain opinion about him. If anything, I'm mad he's lost everyone around himself at such a young age and his reaction was one of hatred towards everyone, including even his friends (Team 7). The massacre was really thrown out there out of nowhere and it's infuriating. The "solution" the Third Hokage found wasn't the best at all. It's not a solution, it was just a mere option between many others.

However, this is another story

If we really think about it, what Sasuke has done wasn't for no reason, even if he chose an extreme path and he completely turned his back against his friends, thinking who-knows-what. He was young when he took that decision, but he's gone through so much. Living since 6-7 years old all on your own, losing everyone around you, your entire family, watching them die before his eyes twice (to remind everyone he got in Itachi's illusion twice and he was psychologically tortured — he saw the massacre twice when he was still a child); everything makes sense if you stay for a while and think about it

I'm not saying it was right. Hating him like a madman or saying he's done nothing wrong, both of those are extreme. Obviously, people who read the manga or watch the anime will feel whatever they feel, that's normal and understandable. At the same time, it's good to take a step back and watch everything as it is, with every pro and con his story comes with

I'll never be a Sasuke defender or a Sasuke hater — I don't agree with his actions, but what can we really do, right? He's done what he's done and it's important to remember their reality is so different than ours. Children are introduced to gruesome things since young, very young. To think Genins, kids who were 10-13 years old, fought by the side of adults, chunins and jounins in the Third Shinobi War it's insane.

My conclusion? What he's done isn't right or wrong. They were simply actions and decisions, with both pros and cons. Everything that happened was for the plot, obviously, and it had to make sense in a way. Different paths meant a different story and Naruto (the manga/anime) is great just the way it is. It taught everyone a lesson, in a way or another, including us, the readers.

one more... 13 for Sakura or Sasuke. or both!

13. Unpopular opinion about XXX character?

I’ll do Sasuke, because fandom opinions about Sakura are so utterly unhinged (in wildly non-textual, completely contradictory ways) that I don’t even know what would count as “unpopular.”  

Anyway, my most unpopular opinion about Sasuke is not an unpopular opinion, it’s an unpopular fact, but I’m just gonna let that one lie, because even in an ask meme designed for the sowing of salt, there are some things that I just don’t have the energy to complain about. X) 

In lieu of that, I’ll say instead that I guess my unpopular opinion is that both Sasuke’s diehard haters and his diehard fans are equally disconnected from the fundamental purpose of the story.  Which is totally fine - it’s fandom, so if people prefer playing with whatever pieces of a story appeal to them and not engaging with it as a comprehensive whole, that’s fine; have fun; we’re all just here to enjoy ourselves.  But when we’re talking about reading the story as it was written and as it was intended to be read, both extremes of the Sasuke debate are missing the point.  

When it comes to his haters - when people watch this show without caring about Sasuke, without rooting for him, without hoping for him to get the closure he needs and surmount his pain and free himself from his chains and find his way back to the people who truly love him, then they’re not watching the story as it was meant to be read.  That is literally the premise of the entire manga/show.  The whole “we’ve gotta save the world from all these evil guys” stuff is just a vehicle for the real storyline, which is and always has been “will Team 7 be able to help Sasuke find his way out of the darkness?”  Watching this show while hoping that the answer to that question will be “no” is like...well, I don’t know what you would get out of it, I guess.  Rooting for Sasuke to reunite with his friends and finally be loved and cared for and healed is the beating heart at the center of this story, and if you hate him and think he doesn’t deserve that kind of resolution, then you’re not reading the story as it was written to be read.

At the same time, takes that are like “Sasuke did nothing wrong to anyone ever and has nothing to apologize for and his ‘friends’ are evil and he never should have gone back to them” miss the mark just as widely.  I understand that this attitude is probably just a reaction to the fact that the ending missed its landing so badly (yes, it IS completely ridiculous to write an ending where justice is never done and the whole Uchiha massacre/government cover-up is literally dropped like a hot potato; that is NOT the conclusion we were promised by this story’s previously developed themes and I do not accept it as believable canon), but to watch the story of Naruto unfold and legitimately desire an outcome where Sasuke doesn’t someday come home to rejoin a loving community of friends/surrogate family is like complaining that an author who wrote a book about a particular story didn’t instead choose to write a completely different book about a completely different story.  We ALWAYS knew Sasuke would come back to Team 7 eventually, because that’s what we were promised in the very first chapters of Part 1, when Kakashi teaches his students the sacredness of teamwork and lays the foundation for their friendship.  It has literally never been a secret that this story is going to be about the sundering and subsequent mending of Team 7′s bonds; we KNOW this story is supposed to be about the re-forging of these relationships; that is literally the entire point.  Loving Sasuke to the exclusion of everyone who is written as genuinely loving and caring about him is just as nonsensical as hating him and thinking he doesn’t deserve that kind of love in his life.  That’s not the story we’re being told; it never was.

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 4

part 1: “When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

part 3: “Something effulgent”: Season five and the construction of Spike the romantic

* 

“But I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason.”: Buffy and Spike as a blended self

Before I get into seasons six and seven, it’s worth asking: why would the show do all of this? Why would it spend all of this time developing a supporting villain and joke id character? Why would it give him a romantic arc? I see people say that the writers only gave Spike these storylines because he was popular or they wanted to keep him around, but even that being the case, there was no need to give him the specific arc that they did. It’s more than possible to read meaning into the story that they chose from the array of possible options. 

Here is the thing about the id. It’s not actually something separate from you. It’s not a ravenous monster you can blame your weaknesses on while remaining pure and dignified. The id is part of you. The immediate and enduring appeal of Spike is, I suspect, strongly influenced by the fact that the things the id wants are so very human and sympathetic. His foibles and mistakes are often painfully familiar, even exaggerated through vampirism as they are. In fact, it’s precisely because Spike is allowed to show a full range of reactions to love, because the writing is under less pressure for him to do the “right” or dignified thing, that he can at times be compelling in ways other characters can’t. If Spike just did nasty things, his appeal wouldn’t be much more complicated than the appeal of Angelus, who people tend to like as a villain or storyline rather than as a relatable character. But Spike doesn’t want to dismember nuns or construct elaborate murder tableaux. He wants familiar things like love, identity and meaning, even if the ways he goes about getting them can reflect people’s worst impulses. 

Which brings us to Buffy, and Buffy’s story about growing up. Buffy is Buffy’s show, which means that every writing choice tends to revolve around her arc in one way or another. And this goes for Spike’s storyline even more than most. In the final three seasons of the show, the writing finally engages with how inextricable the id--and all of its impulsive, inarticulate romantic desires--really is from a person’s self. So instead of keeping Spike at a comfortable distance, both Buffy and the writing begin to take him seriously. They begin to invite him in.

Starting in season five, it’s telling how frequently Buffy herself projects on Spike, rather than just the writing setting them up as mirrors. She tells him that he’s the “only one strong enough” to protect her family, and later assigns Dawn specifically to his protection. In “Spiral” she describes him as “the only one besides me that has any chance of protecting Dawn.” This is a very intimate role that she otherwise only assigns to herself (and which is not really based on pure practicality, considering that she’ll later describe Willow as her “big gun”--yet never gives Willow the task of protecting Dawn). She tells him that he cannot love, which is the thing she fears most about herself. Her protests that Spike is a vampire, and thus cannot express or want human things like love, mirror her lamentations that as the Slayer, she cannot have a normal life.

From the Gilliland Gothic double essay:

More than any of her other lovers, Buffy and Spike overlap one another so often that at times their character arcs become nearly indistinguishable. With Angel, Buffy traveled a parallel path in attempting to master self-control. With Riley, her journey ultimately took her in the opposite direction. With Spike, Buffy’s journey is most closely shadowed, in that her interactions with him in many ways can be seen as metaphors for her feelings about herself.

So now Spike is multiple things. On the one hand, he’s the soulless id he’s been since season two. His vampiric behavior represents a morally uninhibited way of reacting to romantic frustrations, among other things. But on the other hand, his vampirism now also marks him as like Buffy, not merely her opposite.* Nor is he only her mirror in the realm of romantic love. The part of him that is a vampire is the part of him that is supernatural (ie, Romantically larger-than-life), that sets him apart from regular people, and dictates how he can and cannot behave. Just like Buffy’s slayerness. His vampirism is what makes him capable of protecting Dawn, while also making him (supposedly, according to Buffy) incapable of human feeling--again, just like Buffy’s slayerness. Instead of Buffy’s Slayer side being aligned with Angelus, who was an unmitigated evil, it becomes aligned with Spike, who is something more complicated. 

*(Though it must be noted that this was a process that began in season four, with the show aligning Spike with the Scoobies by making him a victim of the Initiative. Spike being supernatural suddenly marks him as non-normative, just like the Scoobies, in contrast to the institutional conformity that the Initiative represents. The evolution towards treating the Romantic supernatural as something positive and associated with identity plays a key role in transitioning the show to the more complicated attitudes of the last three seasons.)

This shift in the show’s attitudes towards the id affects how Spike is used. In “Blood Ties” for example, Spike assists Dawn in breaking into the Magic Shop and in “Forever” he helps Dawn resurrect her and Buffy’s mother. In both cases, Spike could be read as embodying impulsive behavior that Buffy is supposed to be better than. Yet both cases specifically involve Spike helping Dawn, who is repeatedly portrayed as Buffy’s human side. As Buffy says in “The Gift”: “[Dawn]’s more than [my sister]. She’s me. The monks made her out of me. [...] Dawn is a part of me. The only part that I--”. In other words, Buffy’s id becomes closely tied to her humanity, even going so far as to become its safeguard. “Blood Ties” ends with Buffy affirming her connection to Dawn, which Spike’s rule-breaking directly enabled, and “Forever” ends with Buffy acknowledging how desperately she wants her mother back too, and becoming closer to Dawn as a result. (Compare to “Lovers Walk”, where Buffy acknowledging her id results in her breaking away from Angel, not drawing closer to anyone). Or in “Intervention”, Spike building the Buffybot directly parallels Buffy’s own anxieties about what she thinks she should be. She thinks she’s losing her ability to love, and that effusive fakery is her only recourse (as she said in “I Was Made to Love You”: “Maybe I could change. [...] I could spend less time slaying, I could laugh at his jokes. I mean men like that right? The joke laughing at?”), a fear that even has some merit, given that her friends cannot tell her and the bot apart. Instead of Buffy and Spike having separate arcs in the episode, Spike learning the difference between real and fake dovetails with Buffy’s own relationship to her realness and fakeness. It turns out that neither of them want a bot version of Buffy. They want real emotion, things like sacrifice and heartfelt gratitude. If even Buffy’s id would let itself be killed for Dawn, then maybe she has nothing to fear from herself. Maybe there is some beauty in the emotional part of her nature that she thinks she must repress.

In other words, part of the writing (and Buffy) fully engaging with romanticism and the id, means engaging with the ways they can be bad and good. There’s this weird thing that happens with Spike as soon as he falls in love with Buffy, where suddenly his actions are more uncomfortable, and to many, off-putting, because their object is Buffy (instead of another vampire like Harmony or Drusilla, who either enjoy the same vampiric things he does, or the audience might be inclined to see as a moral nonentity regardless). His comic id quality becomes somewhat darker and more serious, almost like the way Angel’s early season two darkness becomes more serious after he loses his soul. But at the same time, Spike’s actions are also more intriguing, sympathetic, and even noble...because their object is Buffy. It makes no sense that a soulless vampire should not only fall in love with the Slayer, but genuinely attempt to transform himself into someone worthy of her love. And yet that’s exactly what Buffy inspires him to do. By loving Buffy Spike’s dual nature, and the dual nature of his romanticism, is thrown into relief: it’s something that can be selfish and creepy, yes, but also something that hints at the idea that real romanticism does exist. Something worth feeling romantically about does exist. Thus the writing can at once criticize, say, the way the chivalric mindset conflates love and suffering, while also suggesting that there are kinds of love it’s worth being transformed by. (Meanwhile, Spike’s fumbling bewilderment over how to love Buffy, and what the rules of loving people correctly even are, creates a human middle ground between monstrousness and heroism). By leaning into the way that Buffy and Spike have been used as mirrors for three seasons, and introducing the mythology-bending idea of Spike being in love with Buffy, the writing is able to fully engage with this complicated, contradictory nature of love and romance.

All of which is to say. Spike becomes a potential love interest, and is given a convoluted inner conflict between monstrousness, humanity and heroism, in precisely the season in which Buffy begins to reckon with her own inner conflict between her darker impulses, her human reality, and her supernatural role. It’s no coincidence that season five opens with Dracula, an icon of romantic vampire mythology, tempting Buffy with darkness and promising her insight into her nature. Or that a vampire kidnaps Dawn--again, her human half--in the next episode. Or that the season’s antagonist is a super-strong blonde woman who wants to destroy Dawn instead of protect her. Or that she says goodbye to Riley, the boyfriend who embodied her hopes for a more normative way of being (notice how Riley is progressively destabilized by everything non-normative about Buffy’s life, and provokes those anxieties Buffy expresses in “I Was Made to Love You”). Over and over in season five, Buffy fears that her Slayer half is cold, destructive, and otherwise dangerous. That these Romantic things like gods and vampires have it in for Buffy’s vulnerable humanity. Yet Buffy’s vampire id simultaneously gives lie to these fears by proving itself capable of heroism and genuine human feeling.

In other words, Spike becomes a potential love interest in a season that treats the Romantic--ie the grand and mythical--as something more than just an attractive lie to be disabused of. Rather, the question that season five seems to posit to me, and which will not be fully answered until the end of season seven, is this: once you do clear away the attractive lies, once you accept the hard realities, once you’ve seen the darkest underbellies, what are the things that are left that are truly grand and beautiful? What are the stories that are really worth telling, and the heroes that are really worth having?

And the show asks and answers these questions on both a very personal level, and a more meta, systemic level. On the personal level, Buffy and Spike are forced to confront their illusions not just about the world, but about themselves. They are made to ask themselves what constitutes a heroic role or a demonic weakness, versus basic, unromantic humanity. And on the meta level, the show asks questions about our expectations for how both love stories and chosen hero stories are supposed to go.

part 5: “Everything used to be so clear”: Season six and the agony of the real

[usagi-mitsu]

Werlyt & Gaius - a bunch of thoughts.

I am a little late to the party. I know. But I just finished the Emerald weapon and before I go to try out the „not Zenos“ weapon as in „Diamond“, I need to get my thoughts on the story straight.

Perhaps I have been spoiled by 5.0s brilliant MSQ and cannot appreciate the inherent beauty of at least decent writing any longer. But this felt so wrong and out of tune with the rest of the game. I started writing this 2 hours ago! I wanted to one in bed by now! XD But I had to get it out of my system… so….

Spoilers for the MSQ and Werlyt incoming??? And no I did not re-read this so not just spoilers but also writing errors incoming. -.-

The good

These fights are epic! I have only ever cleared the normal versions, but I loved those. They are amazing. The callbacks to Eula (her being a woman here! When did they discover that???), Regula (may he rest in peace) and Gaius himself in his prime were delightful. But I could do with a little less rotating, ok? A dragoon has positional, you know? And being allowed to pilot my very own mecha was like *chefs kiss*. On that front? Well done Square Enix!

I am also glad they were able to get another use out of Porta Praetora! That place looks amazing with the wide open field and the lake – and Ala Mhigo across it. It was one of my favourite Stormblood areas and I am always glad to return there. And of course… being able to visit the allied camp again… And Werlyt itself. It’s simply a beautiful place. It reminds me very much of southern Greece. If you’ve watched the movie Mamma Mia you know what I mean.

The music too was really nice. But I don’t think I’ll… you know… listen to it on repeat as I am doing with other parts of the soundtrack.

I’ve also loved how much amazing lore we got about Garlemald and especially the garlean military. And the military abroad. The way soldiers not from the mainland get treated. I love learning about these things.

Gaius

The man. The legend. The guy yelling in Prae.

He’s so very boring here. He has so much potential as a character and maybe I’m missing something, but all throughout this story he has been nothing but passive. He’s a reactive character in this storyline. You know. The guy who made deals with Lahabread (the d is intended), tried to take over Eorzea, lead a whole army, stood idly by as the moon dropped, almost died but then decided just not to die and then though „hm… I’ve got so much freetime now. How about I go and hunt some ascians?“ That guy is NOT a reactive character. He is active. He goes out of his way to make shit he wants happen. And in here? He seems too starstruck and devastated by his adopted kids actions to actually have one clear thought.

The only explanation I have is that he might have gotten hit in the head by something on his way to the ruby weapon. I get why he would rely on Cid for help, but the WoL??? The alliance? If you wish to be an ally and help or something, fucking act like it. You were a former legatus and I expect you to live up to your name – even after retiring.

And yeah.. I guess it’s hard having to watch your kids willingly, knowingly dying. But you fucking raised them. You are a big part of the reason to why they are in that predicament. So like… Aside from that I don’t even get why you are in this story at all.

And for the record: I’m not sorry for him. I’m just flabbergasted by all the bullshit we’ve been learning about him.

To be quite honest, I think this story could have worked just as well or maybe even better, if we got another man as the „hero“ of the story. I am talking about none other than our engineering, hammer-swinging, ex-enemy - of course talking about Nero!

The MSQ has long established that his research into the Ultimate Weapon had been taken, twisted and turned – Estinien had to experience this first-hand. I’m not saying that Nero was in need of a redemption arc and I cannot remember if these weapons were of his creation or even stem from anything he did, but it would make so much more sense for me, to have him confront his past in the garlean military like this and be responsible for the death of his former colleagues. Soldiers that he served with, whom he faught with. Give me Nero and them working together to get the weapons going and him bonding with them as his pilots to a degree. Comrades. Not that strange familiar bond that Gaius appareantly has with them. … Scratch that: Let Gaius be the father figure. Him being that wouldn’t change Nero’s relationship with them, but maybe his with Gaius as his superior.

The story wouldn’t even need to try and redeem Nero: He has already gone through major character development with the MSQ and the Omega raid tier. It would simply be Nero, confronted with the things he created, hopefully instilling more morals and a sense of responsibility for his creations. Heck: Let Cid yell at the guy! Seriously! Cid sticking around to help out would make so much more sense if it was Nero instead of freaking Gaius! Cid hated the guy! He might be a professional, but he is not one to torture himself by staying around a guy he (as far as I know) detests.

Make Nero the central figure and give Cid and Gaius the roles of „angel and demon“: One desperately trying to reach out to his old friend, reminding him why they became engineers and trying to make him realise that he can’t just run around designing weapons and leaving the scematics for everyone to read; while the other has trouble letting go of his imperial past and is struggling to see the errors of his ways – if Nero was wrong, than he (Gaius) was wrong too -and of course they did all of this for their home, to further their cause, and to bring peace to the savage lands of Eorzea, who had been fighting amongst themselves for so long… You get the point.

And you could still have these gundam themed fights. But I think everything would make so much more sense in general.

But speaking of which-

The children

I do not truly care for any of them. And that is a shame: I do think there are great characters and dynamics hidden behind these very few cutscenes. When they were first introduced I was wondering why I was suddenly watching „heartwarming“ cutscenes of my foes as children – until I realised that I was supposed to care and that they were supposed to make me feel pity for Gaius. I was supposed to feel bad for him, because they died and he blames himself. But while their fates so far have been gruesome, I cannot say that I am sad they died. They chose to die as they did. There were a myriad more options. And they chose that.

Actually. Their whole story makes me feel like they were huge masochist from the very beginning. They could have just run away and gotten help from someone more competent than them, but they stayed in an abusive military arrangement just so nobody else got hurt?? Please. Use your brains next time. And for the Berserk-like torture scene? I mean. I get what was implied here. But was it necessary? As a writer myself I follow the rule that torture and sexual violence should never be used in a story, unless it must be in there for the story to work or to bring across a vital point important to the story or it’s moral (or if you are writing porn and you are into it – but we are talking official in-game content here). But the violence towards these „children“ seems unnecessary for the plot and the violence of their deaths by piloting the weapons is already gruesome enough. Sometimes it’s better to leave things like this out – the emotional torture of feeling stuck and having a martyrs complex would have been enough here, I think. If the rest of the story had been well written at least.

(I believe my utter lack of sympathy shows how little character developement they had. I love tragic characters, who choose to suffer for the good of other people – even better if those people don’t even like them. It’s just my thing. And those kids are just… well.)

Their reasons and especially why they were making Allie out as the one who would need to survive was also just… weird. Like. I feel like 75% of what happened would not have happened, if they actually talked to each other, used their brains and had done something about their problems. But no…

These characters are also so exchangeable with basic anime/j-RPG character tropes… I only remember Alfonse, Rex and Allie – because I just did the Emerald weapon. And right afterwards I thought, „huh. So… Fullmetal Alchemist?“ Which brings me to my third point …

…the story at large.

„Pacing is a virtue“ or was it patience..? Anyhow: The author of this story should have had more patience with his story and characters and taken a bloody break! And I am not talking about the obvious blunder of „How is Allie feeling?“, „she is in shock and you cannot talk to her“ turning to „oh yeah if you are careful you can talk to her now“. I mean. WTF. That was MAYBE 10-20 in-game minutes of dialogue.

But everything was moving so very fast – and not even in a good way. There are few things better than a fast paced, action rich story about a group of young people trying to safe (their) world. But if you try to cram in two expansions worth of character development and story telling into about two hours of content each patch.. Well, then you get whatever the hell this is.

Gaius is a very interesting character and while I did not understand why they needed to bring him back in 4.4 (?), I do see how he could be a good asset for endwalker. And his involvement in 5.0 with Estinien was just a dear delight. So I am not opposed to learning more about him, to watching his character grow and changed with time. But I am not ready for badly written content of which 50% get told by suddenly induced echo-sequences. I mean – weren’t there rules for the echo at some point???

I’m not sure which one of the devs said it, but the feature that let’s you play an NPC is super convenient for them to tell the story, because before they could only show what happened where the WoL was.

And that’s just it. Rule number 1 in writing anything is „Show don’t tell“. It feels like they literally turned this one around for these cutscenes. While Valens torture and diet-Fandaniel-routine were very much „show“, the rest of the story was one long cutscene of exposition: We get exposition by Cid, by Gaius, by echo, by Gaius and his crew again, then by Allie. Before having to watch scenes we are not there for.

BTW. Dear square Enix: Your writers are capable of writing amazing villains, antagonist and despicable assholes. You don’t have to write „asshole, must die“ on Valens name card. And I also think the „WoL, strike here“ sign above his head was a tad bit too much. Nuance, dear writers. Nuance. Or perhaps I just got spoiled by these last few foes in the MSQ.

When I said I wanted to just be able to punch a bad guy for once and not feel bad about it, I did not mean this! I meant that I just wanted to play training dummy with Danny-Boy.

(Oh! And as far as I’m concerned you can just… sideline Gaius … „would be killer“ and the lady? Make them targetable NPCs with Dialoge to read. Let them stand somewhere accessible and comment on the latest developement. But ffs don’t give me hour long speeches about how you are going to kill Gaius if he does something you don’t like. The guy could and would wipe the floor with you if he felt like it. -.- So. Please. Shut up.)

Conclusion

Basically. I have to finish the Diamond weapon. But I doubt it will change my perception of this story line even in the slightest.

To be perfectly honest though … bringing Gaius back, having this story with and about him, forcing a sort of redemption ark here. It feels like they are really „grooming“ him to be a morally grey ally in Endwalker, with perhaps a big part to play in the endgame. At this point I wouldn’t even be surprised if they pulled a GoT and made him „King in the North“. Or if they had him die a heroic death to save the world, but especially his country. And to do so they need us to think his sacrifice means something. Or that he is the right person to lead Garlemald into a new future (I don’t think he is). But: For one, neither we (the players) nor the characters need to find him worthy of throne or death by heroism for his sacrifice/ascension to work. To be a useful tool for the story, only the other garleans who might oppose the alliance and scions need to deem him or his sacrifice „worthy“. And only they. And Ishikawa-san has all of 6.0 to accomplish whatever the hell she needs him for. He did not need to be the center of his own botched redemption ark. If that’s what they wanted to do. Or maybe I’m looking at this all wrong and all they wanted was to give the writes in training some literal training grounds to test their abilities.

But! On a positive note: I have yet to be told that raids and other side content are canon to any degree. So when playing the next story quests I’ll blissfully ignore all that happened in Werlyt and if it get’s mentioned (because they do that sometimes when you’ve done certain content) I’ll just ignore it.

Happy ignoring! Also: GIVE ME MORE NERO CONTENT!

[sunflowersteves]

i don’t hate you || b.b.

𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 || Bucky has always hated you, since the day you met but you’ve never been able to hate him back.

𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒕 || “From the bottom of my heart… what the fuck?”

author’s note || I was supposed to finish this WAY sooner so I could start writing on series/requests but then 5 minutes of tik tok turned into 3 hours… so yeah.. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this angst! Written for @kitkatd7​’s 250 Writing Challenge! Congrats on 250, love!!

warnings || angst, fluff, swearing, smut [18+], minors do not interact, asshole!bucky, physical abuse is mentioned (it’s not explicit but please read with caution)

James Buchanan Barnes hates you. Absolutely loathes you. But you can’t find it in yourself to hate him. But you should. You should hate the ground he walks on from the number of times he’s treated you like utter shit. You should throw him out of the tower for the number of names he’s called you.

But for some reason, you don’t hate the son of the bitch. You don’t hate how he tells everyone he’s ‘going to the gym’ when in fact he goes to a field to pick flowers. You don’t hate how he’ll protect the people he loves even if it gets him captured, tortured, or even killed. You don’t hate how in the morning he makes the whole team a batch of coffee without saying anything. You don’t hate how despite the pure hatred he has towards you, he still calms you down during your nightmares.

As a matter of fact, the only feeling that seems to flutter out of you when he’s around is fervor, warmth, and giddiness. And that drives you fucking insane. How can a man that has only brought you disgusted looks, snappy remarks, and exasperated arguments make you adore him?

And you don’t think you’ll ever be able to answer that question. You have absolutely zero clue why you love somebody who hates you. 

However, the one thing you hate, the one thing that makes your heart fill with animosity and malice are his actions towards you. And you have no idea why! The first day that Fury introduced you to the team, everyone had been the utmost kindest towards you. They had greeted you with beaming smiles and laughter except for him. He looked at you with narrowed eyes and a flattened smile but you never chose to be mean back. Well, unless he made snappy comments or argued with you. Then you gave him hell, which only led more fuel into his weird hatred towards you.

And today was no different, the whole team was eating breakfast and you all had been just talking pleasantly until Bucky came in with a grunt and made a sly comment as the only seat left empty was next to yours. 

Tony rolled his eyes and picked up his orange juice to take a sip. “So what are you gonna do today, kid?” You set your fork down, moving your attention solely onto him.

“I think I’m going to make her a bouquet of her favorite flowers.” The team all smiled and some gave you sympathetic looks. Tony offered to help, knowing much about how you’re feeling on days like these.

Bucky snarked, “For who?” You blinked, shoving around some of the scrambled eggs on your plate with a fork. “My mom.” Bucky laughed while the whole team just fell silent, shocked at Bucky’s belligerent actions. You looked at him with small tears in your eyes. 

“Oh, don’t get teary-eyed on me. That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard. A homemade flower bouquet?” You quickly got out of your seat and ran to your room, slamming the door behind you. Bucky was still snickering, not grasping the light of the room until the whole team started to yell at him.

“What the fuck, Bucky?” Nat screamed at him. He looked at everyone confused by their disappointment. “What? It’s lame to-” This time Steve snapped. Normally, Steve would just sling his head down in disappointment at his best friend’s assery but today was different. Today was the one day that you didn’t deserve any shit thrown at you.

“It’s the anniversary of her mom’s death! It was real mature of you to just shove it into her face that making a bouquet for her mom’s tombstone is ‘lame’ and what did you say? Oh yeah. ‘The stupidest shit I’ve heard.’” A fuming Steve shoved his chair back and aggressively stomped out of the room, mumbling curse words at his best friend.

Bucky just cringed the whole time. He did not know it your mom’s anniversary of her death. Hell, he didn’t even know your mom was dead but he never paid any attention. God, he was so selfish. Bucky’s stomach dropped as he watched Steve softly knock on your door for comfort. He knows that should be him instead. He wants that to be him instead. But Bucky’s an asshole. He shoves away the people he loves. He convinces himself that it’s better that way but now, he’s hurt someone he loves by driving them away.

Bucky apologizes to the team and rushes towards your bedroom. Steve had clearly already left by the silence that suffocated the air. He softly knocks on your door. “Who is it?” “It’s me.” You don’t answer nor do you move. Bucky sighs. He doesn’t blame you. He’s an ass. “I’m not here to yell I just… I want to apologize.”

You slowly crack open the door, letting him in. You were sitting down on the ground, tears staining your cheeks. His gut twisted with guilt and sadness. He sat down on the ground next to you, watching your every move. “I just.. I want to say I’m sorry. I had no idea it was the anniversary of your mom’s death.” You nodded and sighed. “I know I can’t say sorry to make anything better but… what if I help you with the arrangement?” Your eyes lit up and Bucky smiled. You blinked, never seeing this side of him. Maybe you should have death anniversaries more often.

Bucky took you out of the tower to as many floral shops as you wanted to go to, picking out her favorites like calla lilies, alstroemerias, begonias, dahlias, and morning glories. You then both went to her grave and sat there while reminiscing of the good stories with your mom. You laughed and cried and Bucky did as well. You talking about your mom made him miss his.

Honestly, you could get used to this. Bucky had been the kindest you had ever seen. His eyes lit up at your laughter and his cheeks blushed as you held his hand and squeezed it. 

After getting back to the tower, the two of you went ahead and relaxed for the evening. Sitting on the couch in your room, Bucky turned the TV on and you two started to watch a movie. “Hey, Buck?” He hummed, waiting a moment for his eyes flicked towards you. “Why do you hate me?” He rapidly shook his head. “I-I… I don’t hate you, y/n. I never have.” You blinked at his words. Never?

“Then why have you been acting that way?” He sighed, pushing a hand through his hair. Even though the day had ended up being one of his favorites, he was starting to not like where this conversation was going. “With all of the things that I’ve done with Hydra and being the Winter Soldier, I thought that pushing you away was the best option.”

“What? How the fuck is that pushing me away? Not talking to me is pushing away. Insulting me and arguing with me at every chance is just hatred.” Bucky’s eyes snapped towards yours, his nostrils flared 

“You know what? This is why I acted that way.” You looked at him with fire in your eyes, igniting that well-known feeling you get with Bucky. “Acted what way?”

Bucky gritted his teeth. “You have everything just handed to you. You have no idea what it’s like to suffer!” Your head snaps up and you look at Bucky like he’s got three heads. “From the bottom of my heart… what the fuck?” You put your head in your hands. How the fuck can this prick say that to you? Sure, you haven’t been through anything that he has with Hydra but he hasn’t been in your shoes either. 

“You think I haven’t dealt with pain? That’s absolutely ridiculous, Bucky. Just because you have suffered from something greater doesn’t mean I haven’t suffered at all.” Bucky grossed his arms and huffed, knowing you were right. “My mom couldn’t do anything about my dad beating me because her kidneys were failing. After having type one diabetes for 45 years and having a kid, her organs started to fail.” Bucky’s facade faltered as you continued. He had no idea you went through that. His fiery eyes died down to sullen ones as he listened. “I would visit her when she’d go through hours worth of dialysis and the doctors would ask if I was okay from the bruises.” 

Tears started to fall freely from your eyes. “When her kidneys started to fail again during dialysis they knew this was her last run and she couldn’t qualify for a kidney transplant. Her last vision of her six-year-old daughter was me sobbing as I had a huge black eye covering my face.” You suddenly got furious, an accusing finger pointed straight at Bucky. “My so-called dad then sold me to a crime boss at the city of K’un-L’un. Even though the crime boss treated me as his own and was quite gentle, don’t tell me that I don’t feel any pain. I mean shit Bucky, did you just think I had nightmares, just ‘cause?”

Bucky sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m so sorry, y/n. I’m such an ass. I..I- As I said, I kept telling myself this was the right way so I could push you away. I will never be able to truly show you just how sorry I am. I think that I’m so fucking sick of myself that I take all of that anger and put it on you. I’m so sorry.” He paused, watching your anger die down a little. “the truth is… I’m unbelievably in love with you.” Your head snapped up and your eyes darted around to find a single lie forming on his face or to tell you that this is a joke. “Ever since I laid eyes on you I thought you were the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. You’re funny, you’re kind, you protect those you love. How could I not fall in love with you?” Wait, he didn’t hate you?

Your heart was beating a thousand miles and he nervously continued. “I thought that by pushing you away that I could save you. I know it sounds stupid but I didn’t want my past life of the winter soldier to ever affect you. I could have hurt you but I can see now that I’ve already done that.” He looks at you with a saddened expression, regret filled his stomach. He should’ve just talked to you. But he didn’t. He just wished things were different. 

What he didn’t expect though was to have your lips on his, nipping and moving against one another. Bucky was too shocked at first, appreciating that feeling of your lips on his. Once he regained his thoughts, he immediately wrapped his arms around you, bodies pressed against one another. The room felt hotter each second as you gripped his head firmly, pulling at his hair as Bucky just moaned. His tongue touched yours, swift and electric, then harder and more determined, more passioned as your lips savored each other. 

Bucky quickly took off your shirt, leaving peppered kisses all over your neck and messaging your breasts. He then took off his shirt as you pulled down your pants, reconnecting in the middle. His lips caressed your neck and hissed as he bit down on your sensitive skin. “Fuck.” He whispers, reaching his hand up to pinch one of your nipples between his fingers making your already sensitive skin, ache and cry. You moan his sweet name, wanting more and more from this man.

“Bucky, please.” He chuckles at your eagerness and he quickly takes off your panties. “Shit, doll, you’re already that wet for me?” You nod, biting your lip He instantly takes off his pants and boxers and wastes no time in lining himself up and pushing into you until his hips are flushed into yours. He rocked back and forth savoring the rich pleasures of your voice, whining and gasping from your bodies colliding to one. 

“Fuck, you’re so good. So good to me, doll.” All you could do was moan back, too enchanted to talk. You start to buck your hips as he pushes into you faster and faster. “Fuck, y/n. I love you. Shit.” Bucky gets sloppier and sloppier as your gasps and moans turn louder and harder. You yell his name, screaming into the air as he rides you out, pushing in and out until he soon receives his own high. You both take a minute to breathe and calm down from the best possible sex you’ve ever had.

After the two of you clean yourselves up, Bucky lays in bed with you—snuggled up against your side and wrapping an arm around you. You look at him with glistening eyes and start tracing down his jaw. “I don’t want this night to end.” He looks at you, sorrow filling those blue eyes. “I don’t either. How about we just think about reality tomorrow, okay? Enjoy our moment now.” You nod and rest your head on his chest, listening to his slowed heartbeat. 

You close your eyes and intertwine your hand with his on his torso, letting sleep take you over.

--

Your eyes started to flutter open at the sensation of Bucky’s fingers tracing the outlines of your body. You both stare at each other for a little while, savoring the moment you two had. However, you knew that it would soon be broken. Life and reality aren’t that easy.

You sit up, covered draped around your naked body. Bucky looks at you like he knows what’s coming. Which, by the way he’s treated you, should’ve guessed by the start.

“Look, I don’t regret what we did last night and we both know it was a huge spur of the moment.” You paused, watching as Bucky’s stature fell a little. “I know now that you have feelings for me as I do for you but Bucky you’ve treated me like shit since I got here. I thought you spat the ground I walked on, despised my whole entire existence.” Bucky cringed at your words but he knew you were right. The two of you can’t jump headfirst into a relationship after the shit he’s pulled. 

“I thought that maybe we could, you know be in a relationship, but right now, that pain is stronger than my love for you.” Bucky’s heart broke in two at your words. Of course you would be affected by him pushing you away and making him think you hate him with nasty comments and looks. But he knows that there’s still a tiny sliver of hope.

Bucky nods in agreement and smiles lightly. “I’ll wait for you. However long it takes, however long you need to heal from the damage I have caused, I will wait.” He looks over at you and grasps one of your hands. “Do not rush thinking that I will be long gone by the time you’re healed. I’m not going anywhere. And even if you choose not to be with me, don’t think for a second I won’t respect your decision.” You smiled and squeezed his fingers.

This was good. Not a fresh start but the possibility of a second chance. And if Bucky was given that opportunity when you healed, he wasn’t going to fuck this one up. Not anymore. 

[sepublic]

Recognizing Lilith’s Progress

           You know what? Perhaps I’ve been too harsh towards Lilith, at least in regards to her relationship with Eda specifically. I think we need to remember that while Lilith really WANTED Eda to join the Emperor’s Coven for thirty-something years… She always made it a point to vouch for her sister’s freedom, as seen when Lilith destroys those Wanted Posters at Covention just so the two could get into a petty squabble. And as we see at the end of Sense and Insensitivity, she WANTED to let Eda make the choice and decision, on her own, to join the Emperor’s Coven… Lilith wanted it to be fully voluntary and was completely willing to wait as long as it’d take (which would actually be an eternity) for Eda to change her mind.

           And, obviously there’s that disrespectful assumption that Eda WILL eventually change her mind, that it’s an inevitable sort of thing she has to figure out, that Lilith’s way is objectively right and it’s just a matter of Edalyn realizing the truth… But still. I think it hints at some potential growth and maturity, or at least an implicit acknowledgement of Eda’s genuine issues with the Emperor’s Coven that are unrelated to the curse- Hence why Eda makes it clear that she’s not joining Belos anytime soon to cure her curse, so Lilith never brings it up again until after THAT specific revelation… Lilith gets it, she gets that Eda has had reasons beyond the curse to despise the Emperor’s Coven, she figured that much out by now- Lilith just needs to realize that those reasons are actually valid, and/or that the Coven System’s benefits do NOT outweight the cons that Eda has to list.

           Sure, maybe this just indicates Lilith of being particularly ignorant, because she’s willfully ignorant to facts she knows deep-down… But maybe it’s also Lilith beginning to make tenuous progress towards understanding Eda, and eventually confessing to the curse on her own terms. But of course, Belos has to ruin this- He rushes and pressures Lilith, who is clearly unhappy about entering Eda’s space in Wing it like Witches, instead of waiting for Eda to intiate contact on her own terms. And you can tell, because Lilith still humors Eda’s Grudgby game and the terms set- She doesn’t WANT to force Eda, and is looking for any reason not to, in addition to wanting to hang out with her sister as always. And maybe this is just indicative of Lilith’s cowardice because she knows she can’t take Eda on in a fight, even with the curse…

           And speaking of cowardice, perhaps Lilith choosing to look the other way and bend the law for Eda, but not outright joining her, was indicative of indecision too; Lilith didn’t actively choose nor desire to cut ties with Eda and make her an enemy, it was just supposed to be a one-time thing and ideally, the two would remain best friends and sisters even after it. But Lilith couldn’t take a full stance with the Emperor’s Coven, or with Eda- She had to choose between the two, but really thought both options were actually reconcilable. Not to mention, Lilith still could’ve chosen to at least share the curse…

          But I can also see her justifying this because the Emperor’s Coven wouldn’t accept a half-cursed witch, and Lilith –corectly- saw the EC as a means of curing Eda… So it’d just be a matter of putting off this treatment in favor of a full-on cure, later down the line. Still, damage was dealt, and as Dana herself confirmed; Even if Eda had been cured, her hair would’ve still been gray. And clearly Lilith was being a little selfish and a coward herself, not wanting to bear any part of the curse, nor handle the social ostracization she subjected Edalyn towards with it.

           But considering how Lilith eventually makes the choice to save Eda from petrification, even at the risk of losing her spot in the Emperor’s Coven (not necessarily the requirement up until Belos catches her), I think it’s safe to say that if Lilith hadn’t already reached that understanding/epiphany a long time ago- We were actually watching her do so as the season progressed, seeing Lilith realize what she had to finally do after years of procrastination. We’ve known through her introduction that Lilith has been bending the law for Eda, even if she doesn’t approve, and now she’s possibly beginning to; Things HAD been changing, potentially for the better, maybe Lilith had been taking initiative to truly grow…

          I think there were genuine moments when after seeing how Eda felt, Lilith legit considered confessing, particularly near the end of Covention and Sense and Insensitivity; That she wasn’t so dead-set on taking this truth to her grave, that maybe Lilith realized that considering how much Eda had done for her by opening up emotionally, or rescuing Lilith… Even if it wasn’t ‘technically necessary’, Lilith still owed it to Eda to be honest, with the added benefit of Lilith’s own conscience being relieved. Maybe Lilith really was shaping up to confess on her own terms, in a healthy and calm environment…

          Until again, Belos has to ruin it. I think Lilith growing as a person and beginning to understand Eda, in addition to the impending Day of Unity, was what convinced Belos to intervene; Because now Lilith’s loyalty was in question, and so in a test Belos sets the ultimatum of either having Lilith prove her loyalty andcompetency, or else just die and no longer be a nuisance to him. Either he wants to reverse Lilith’s development, or else just be rid of her as a threat completely. I really do feel that Eda and Lilith had been making progress prior to Belos’ interference; Or maybe, his interference DID help, because you need to get through the worst to really achieve the best.

          Lilith and Eda weren’t truly going to make amends until both sisters confronted the darkest feelings they felt towards one another and conquered them, together- And Belos hastened Lilith’s confession, and got it out of the way to pave the way for reconciliation… As an unintended byproduct to his ACTUAL goals, of course, because again- He really doesn’t care for people, they’re more afterthoughts to him if not tangentially relevant. And there are certainly better ways to get the sisters to be honest than what he set up… Eda and Lilith did something with that situation, only because sometimes you just have to work with what you get. And what you got could’ve been so much better, which means it was unnecessarily terrible.

          But, back to the subject: Belos has to threaten to execute Lilith, and now she’s terrified for her life, her own role model will kill her if she doesn’t do what she wants… And in her justifiable panic –she has until the end of the day to do this and she’s already burnt through half of it- Lilith gets VERY stressed-out… She feels very insecure, and she defaults to some petty mindsets and feelings that she’d normally avoid. Believe it or not, people tend to think good, mature, and rational things in a healthy and comfortable environment, VS a cult that is promising death if you don’t comply within a very short and unreasonable amount of time, to do something you’ve incredibly uncomfortable with.

           Maybe there was some relief in Lilith, when Eda arrived for that final duel- That now the blame was kind of out of her hands, because it wasn’t HER choice to force Eda, this was just Belos, maybe there’s some roundabout gratitude towards him for taking Eda’s capture into his own hands, and thus absolving Lilith of some of the painful responsibility by low-key ‘doing it’ for her… This isn’t REALLY Lilith’s choice, this isn’t really her own actions, it’s Belos’, especially since Lilith is being threatened- And so she justifiably doesn’t have to feel bad for her part, because it’s just Belos forcing her to do this! And while she’s not totally wrong…

          Lilith still chose to take Luz hostage, not to mention this connects back to that discussion about how you still have moral culpability, even if you’re just ‘following orders’, or if your situation is so un-ideal that you have to do terrible things to survive (plus Belos certainly wasn’t acting out of any concern for Lilith either). Perhaps Lilith saw the situation as unchangeable, so there was no point in fretting over the cons, and instead she should just focus on the bright side of things- That Eda will get to be with her and will be cured of the curse, and so Lilith looks a little too happy to see Eda arrive for that duel! And as I said- Any smug satisfaction she has from carrying out her job is more from Belos, it’s not actually a reflection of Lilith, just her relief that Belos isn’t going to kill her!

           Of course, like I said- When Lilith is stressed out or not feeling so great about herself… She can default to some toxic mindsets as a pick-me-up. Hence why she brings up being better than Eda through the curse, because what right does Eda have to lecture her about morals and responsibility, when clearly Eda is the irresponsible criminal who adopted this random human? Eda can’t imagine what it’s like for Lilith, trying so hard to be patient all those years, putting in the effort and humility to finally work around with Eda and to adapt to her, to better understand Eda’s thought process… Eda has no idea what it’s like being threatened by Emperor Belos, Lilith isn’t as strong and independent as her, it’s not as easy to protect herself or go off and do her own thing!

          And what does Eda know about Lilith being a bad person for cursing her, Eda doesn’t know that Lilith expected the curse to be just for a day, that she was a child who was scammed, duped, and tricked by an adult- Eda doesn’t know what it’s like to not be as talented, to be so terrified of being left behind! So yes, Lilith IS weaker than Eda… And what about it? If Eda were in Lilith’s spot, she’d do the same- So don’t act so high-and-mighty, there IS a difference between the two of us and our situations; So now that you’ve acknowledged this, stop judging Lilith for it! Stop yelling at Lilith, hating and judging her for not being good enough like everyone else does, like Lilith does to herself, as Belos does now… Don’t forget YOU’RE not so high-and-mighty yourself, not all of the time- So remember those moments of weakness and what it felt like, whenever you judge me, try being in MY shoes, and remember what it was like in them!

          If this is how you feel about and treat me, then maybe you DESERVED to be cursed, so you could be on my level and realize how you’ve always made me feel- That this was the only way you could understand, the only way you and I could see eye-to-eye and truly reconcile! Can’t you see Lilith is TRYING, it’s already hard enough as-is, can’t you appreciate what Lilith DID manage to do and accomplish, you’re just like myself and everyone else, always ignoring that and focusing on where Lilith screwed up! If you’re disappointed that Lilith went that far, well news flash- She’s ALWAYS gone that far, she’s not the perfect person you expected her to be, Edalyn, try paying more attention next time and being considerate of this! This is not Lilith’s decision, can’t you tell- You speak so much of Belos making people do terrible things and being harsh to them, can’t you remember this when he’s literally right there, watching us!?

          I’m your own sister, who’s done everything for you, we’ve known each other for decades and I’ve been putting in the agonizing work to understand you; Why are you prioritizing some random human you just met, a human who enables your bad behavior, over me?! Lilith didn’t want this, she didn’t take joy in this, Eda is forgetting that Lilith has a lot to lose herself… And now it’s coming down to her own LIFE, too! Lilith isn’t enjoying this, stop assuming the worst, that there’s so much more malice from her than there actually is, can’t Eda tell how much Lilith cares, how much it’s been eating her up on the inside over what happened…

          Lilith is TIRED of feeling terrible and she just wants someone to understand, to listen to her, to get it! She’s used to accepting the blame and the guilt, when can someone finally tell Lilith that it’s okay, that you tried your best and it’s not the end of the world… I can see how she got so indoctrinated by the Emperor’s Coven, as it must’ve given her that false sense of validation, when Lilith felt she wasn’t getting any from Eda; But in the end, she realized that Belos’ support and the glory of her spot was all superficial and conditional. But before that, Lilith in her pure stress confesses to cursing Eda, as a culmination of all of her insecurities, her frustrations at herself and others, and a desperate desire to feel seen and heard in a way that she hasn’t beforehand… To have an intimate part of her recognized, even if that means admitting to her worst sin.

           Then she backtracks, she realizes what she’s done, because this is Lilith- And even if she has issues with fixing her problems, she’s at least somewhat learning, or at least not repeating certain mistakes. Lilith remembers that she’s being unfair to Eda, and she panics in the revelation of Eda now TRULY hating her, which was something Lilith always feared. Lilith pointlessly brings up how she can cure the curse, and in retrospect… I think she was fully aware, both from a conscious and deep-down standpoint, that curing Eda’s curse wouldn’t undo the damage, but she resorted to it as damage control anyway because that was what she was used to- In moments of stress, Lilith does things she’d normally know better than to do.

          Lilith tried to de-escalate the revelation by claiming she could help cure the curse, even though Eda’s known for this for a long while- And I think she tried to reframe the cure as coming from her, not Belos, so Eda will feel more open to the idea, as Lilith mentions that SHE can cure it, when in reality it’s more like she can –supposedly- convince Belos to do so. After all, if Lilith is curing the curse, then surely Eda doesn’t mind getting treatment from her, because it’s not like Lilith would DEMAND anything of Eda in return… She’d definitely feel entitled to it, but Lilith has always made a point beforehand to still respect Eda’s boundaries, to an extent- And I don’t think it’s just an issue with tracking down Eda, either.

           Of course it wouldn’t matter if Lilith fully had the power to cure Eda’s curse on her own and did it purely of her own good will, because Eda still hates the Emperor’s Coven, and I think Lilith has reached that point where she’s forced herself to acknowledged this. But she panics and brings up the cure as a distraction, because Lilith remembers that she’s doing this all for Eda, that she DOES love her sister and always will, no matter how aggravating Eda can be, because she’s all that Lilith truly has left. Lilith knows she’s grasping at straws, but she may as well try anyway; She’s reminding herself and Eda that in the end, she regretted the curse and would rather have it gone than stay… That there’s no need to worry Eda, Lilith isn’t going to curse her a second time, not even now! All of this work has been done to CURE the curse, remember…?

          Lilith DOES have remorse, and she’s been putting in the work and Lilith really thinks it’s paid off, she really thinks her work in the Emperor’s Coven has guaranteed a cure from Belos- And if only Eda would just listen and be proud of her for this, and realize and acknowledge that Lilith has grown since then, that she’s made progress from never wanting to repeat that mistake, to attempting to undo it… Lilith is basically trying to damage-control her confession by admitting that yes she’s made a mistake, but she’s grown since then and put in the effort to undo it, and I’ve succeeded in finding a cure! I’m not a total failure, don’t turn your back on me now, I’ve CHANGED since then, the Lilith who cursed you is now gone Eda, you never had to worry about her now because she left, all those years ago!

          So Eda can understand why Lilith didn’t think it was necessary to confess, it’d have just caused the two of them needless pain, as you can probably feel right now…! Sure I wasn’t perfect after all, but you can at least now appreciate how I’ve grown! That’s what you’ve wanted, right- For me to grow and improve, to be the older sister you deserved, to learn from my mistakes? Well, it turns out I HAVE been… Even if it also turns out that yes, there were even more mistakes I made that you never knew about, but if I can fix those, then I can fix the rest, so pleasedon’t give up on me! I haven’t been static, I’ve actually been actively improving over the years, I just… have a LOT to work on, okay, and it just seemed like I didn’t and that I wasn’t doing anything. Lilith wanted Eda to remember that this revelation was something Lilith herself had always known, and yet she still chose to vouch for Eda and bend the law, look the other way for her sister, for years… So please remember this! That all that happened AFTER her worst mistake…

          Lilith really wants to believe she’s stopped hurting her sister and is past that, because the last time she hurt Eda it REALLY had the worst possible impact on the two of them. It’s a desperate reassurance, that yes Lilith has acted smug about the curse in the past, but you should listen to reason Edalyn, try to approach this from a calm standpoint unlike how I just did, if you’re allegedly so much better than me (and I admit this fact). Except Eda IS being reasonable here, Eda isn’t fighting Lilith and avoiding her just because she felt like it, she doesn’t take any joy in this either, and both sisters are mutually trying to survive the depraved situation that Belos set up to put them at each other’s throats.

          And sure, Lilith is trying to soften the blow by conceding that Eda’s emotional reaction to the confession is reasonable itself, that Lilith does indeed understand and consider how Eda feels, Eda just needs to make her actions sensible too; Eda has issues with Lilith not understanding her feelings/decisions and not seeing them as valid, so Lilith insists she actually does! But Eda’s trying to do what she thinks is best for herself AND Luz, who Lilith has characteristically disregarded.

          It’s worth noting that Lilith never brings up, “I won’t hurt Luz/I can heal her if she GETS hurt” to deter and calm down Eda, because she still has a lot more understanding to do. Really, I think Lilith is just so tired of admitting that she’s wrong and has messed up… So when confronted with yet another major example of this (capturing Luz) she doesn’t want to admit it because Lilith wants to believe she’s grown past her old self, that she’s no longer the fool she was and can’t make mistakes regarding this stranger, much less Edalyn; In addition to wanting Eda to make concessions for once, because Lilith feels like Eda has been unfair to her in some ways, especially since Eda didn’t know Lilith was at fault.

          I feel like Lilith just wants to be valued, to have her efforts and achievements, and what little progress she does, be acknowledged… And to be reassured by the knowledge that she IS improving, that she won’t always be a screw-up; I can see why the Coven System’s rhetoric of “If you put in the effort then surely things will get better” is such an attractive lie to Lilith… In addition to wanting to ignore how the Emperor’s Coven also turns around, and insists that most witches will only ever be good at this one innate talent for the rest of their life, so that’s the only thing they should stick to. Lilith wants to believe she isn’t like the rest, that she can grow and improve herself and be on top, that she’s the exception that the Coven System accepts as part of its Emperor’s Coven. Being a part of that group is basically being told that you’re better than everyone else, and the existence of a hierarchy is worth it to Lilith if she can have the chance for such validation, even at the expense of others… Especially, really.

          And now that Lilith is at the Owl House, I’d really love to see Luz “We can fix this together” Clawthorne Noceda provide some support, if she’s willing… I think she can understand how it feels to not have your efforts to improve and grow be appreciated. Then there’s King, who I think has a LOT he can relate to with Lilith, over being someone who feels obligated to do terrible things, and justifies it because he’s not as well-off as others, and it’s unfair to judge him because you have it so much easier, you don’t know what it’s like for him! And maybe Eda could make it clear to Lilith that she DID understand, she always thought the world of her, and every little action Lily did for Eda’s sake meant a lot… Maybe Eda needed to be a bit more upfront about her appreciation herself, as did Lilith.

          Of course, there’s also the revelation of the curse to go over as well, but… In the end, Eda just wants the best of Lilith, so every time Lilith DOES make progress, it really meant everything to her. She even sort of appreciated the lengths that Lilith was willing to go for her, to an extent- But when you consider what Lilith did to others (such as Luz), and how she did things that Eda never asked her to do; All while Lilith expected compensation for these efforts because she wasn’t totally altruistic (while expecting Eda to appreciate this under the lens of Lilith being a good sister, and not Lilith actively making up for something she caused)… It sometimes felt more like a disregard of Eda, rather than an actual regard. I can imagine Lilith letting the guilt of her mistakes crash down on her, and become resigned to the idea of being terrible and causing harm, and admitting that of course Eda had all of these expectations for Lilith that she’d never been able to live up to; She WAS the older sister, it was Lilith’s responsibility by blood to do that, and she failed! No wonder Eda depises her so…

          And while those feelings did occur briefly with the capture of Luz, I think Eda and Luz can reassure Lilith that she HAS done good, that her change of heart was amazing to them, and it’s given them hope for Lilith. She’s no hopeless cause, Lilith has provided them plenty of reason not to give up on her, just recently she gave her best reason why by freeing Eda! And maybe Eda can admit that if Lilith went this far, and did these terrible things- Then maybe she wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind, and that needs addressing above all else. Eda DOES care, and it’s that care and love that led to her being so disapproving and distraught over what happened to Lilith, because she saw it all as harmful to her sister… And with Luz’s recent inspiration, and Eda’s feeling of having never accomplished anything up until her favorite human arrived;

          Perhaps Eda will acknowledge that as the most powerful witch in the Boiling Isles, maybe she should’ve done more to really get into Lilith’s head, and get her out of that situation. Or at least, have Eda admit to Lilith that SHE was respecting Lily’s decisions too, hence why she didn’t try to force her… I think if Lilith brought up to Eda that she didn’t think her sister would join the Emperor’s Coven, even if it was to save her from execution- Eda would’ve insisted that she would, or at least she’d work to find a way out for the both of them. And that, I feel, would mean so much to Lilith, and both reassure and encourage her to make things right, now that Lilith understands that she DID get the love she was due, and that her efforts had been recognized.

          She did put in the work, and Lilith did get the pay-off, in a sense… So she has a lot more incentive to keep working to make things right; In addition to also recognizing that she wasn’t getting that appreciation from Belos, who’s an utter lunatic and actually chose to hurt Lilith, only doing good things for her as a side-effect and/or if it’d benefit him- Unlike Eda. Your efforts aren’t for naught, and things CAN and will change for the better, if you put in the work- So don’t worry about them not paying off.

          You’re not taking a risk going down this path… Its benefits are laid-out and guaranteed, unlike what you might get siding with the Emperor’s Coven, or using a curse that is ambiguous about its effects. All you have to do, Lilith, is make that personal decision, to take that initiative- And now that you’re with your real family, the rest will fall into place. Just as Eda provides a support network and a safety net for Luz’s own mistakes and exploration and risks, she can do the same for Lilith… You’re safe now.

          TL;DR I think Lilith HAD been making effort and progress, prior to Agony of a Witch. And even if her issues with willful ignorance were still present, they hadn’t been as bad as I’d initially perceived. Maybe Belos’ ultimatum, forcing Lilith to realize what she valued more –her sister or the Emperor’s Coven- hadn’t been all that necessary, that maybe Lily would’ve figured this out eventually… Though you could also say too little, too late; But also, better late than never. In a way, maybe Belos’ ultimatum WAS better than the alternative of Lilith taking her time to eventually and inevitably have a change of heart, because as we see with the progression of the curse… Time is of plenty of importance, and the more that passes, the more we know will still remain, even after a hypothetical cure.

          My point is, as terrible as Lilith was, I think we were seeing her change and learn, and become set on the trajectory for making true amends with Eda, before Belos came back into the picture. It wasn’t just Belos forcing Lilith into an ultimatum with Luz’s input, that changed Lilith’s heart… I feel that if this scenario had happened much earlier in Season 1, we could’ve seen Lilith act a little differently, perhaps with much less sympathy and understanding. I think there were genuine moments of learning and realization that led up to that fateful choice in Season 1, and I think it’s time I acknowledged this; That in the discussion of Lilith’s arc in Season 2, perhaps we need to remember that she HAD been improving, before Agony of a Witch came about.

          Lilith wasn’t that hopeless, and she was doing better than I initially realized- Not much better, but it’s better than nothing of course. Let’s not give Belos any credit here, and while Luz has done an umimaginable contribution… It’s ultimately down to oneself to change, and all the effort in the world doesn’t matter if you don’t choose to change; And Lilith DID make that decision! If people think Lilith’s character development has been ‘rushed’, then it needs to be considered that maybe we already did see her grow throughout Season 1…

          And so when Season 2 rolls about, it’s not out of the question for us to be pleasantly surprised, and see that Lilith has already figured a couple of things out, not just between seasons; But even on-screen, during Season 1! Sure Lilith had a relapse, but so did Amity, and Lilith also had to deal with the threat of execution, and the belief that joining the Emperor’s Coven WOULD cure Eda. I think Lilith actually, already made some decent progress on her character arc that is overlooked/forgotten… Her transition into the Owl House by understanding Eda and Luz’s points, may not be so rocky after all- I think Lilith has actually had a little bit of a headstart on that! So whenever I look at Lilith now, I can’t help but think;

          ...And maybe Eda feels the same way, too.

[translations-by-aiimee]

Dig a Grave to Dig Out a Ghost - Chapter 23

Original Title: 挖坟挖出鬼

Genres: Drama, Horror, Mystery, Supernatural, Yaoi

This translation is based on multiple MTLs and my own limited knowledge of Chinese characters. If I have made any egregious mistakes, please let me know.

Chapter Index

Chapter 23 - Child Ghost

Twenty minutes later, each of the three hooligans sat on the bench in the hospital corridor in a daze, each clutching a bottle of fresh orange juice. The nurse had just scolded them for disturbing the rest of the patients in the surrounding rooms, and they all looked a little bit ashamed. A-Yan's face had some colour brought back. After drinking a few sips of the drink, he calmly said: "I c-can't exorcise it completely. I can only figure out the source of this thing. Maybe it's a good thing that it's harder to expel."

Lin Yan asked what he meant, and the little Daoist priest explained: “As the saying goes, 'He who never wrongs others does not fear the knock in the night*.' Although this girl is weak from her illness, there must be other reasons why, out of so many other patients, this thing chose her. If we can find the reason, then maybe it will leave by itself."

*(T/N: 不做亏心事，不怕鬼敲门 - means if you've done nothing wrong, you don't have to worry about any retributions.)

"It-It keeps repeating 'Why haven't you come yet?' It may be a wandering spirit who hasn't fulfilled his dying wish. His Yin energy is very weak. He probably died not that long ago."

Lin Yan's heart skipped a beat. He suddenly thought of Xiao Yu, and couldn't help but reveal his recent doubts to the little Daoist priest. After a long while, he turned his head and looked at the ghost next to him, and whispered: "Last time, I was only concerned about getting rid of him. I never asked him anything."

A-Yan sat curled up in the chair and listened to Lin Yan while gnawing on the cap of the orange juice bottle. He looked like a kitten. He jolted up and said: "Ghosts are divided into different categories. Today, the one here can only manifest by attaching itself to a living person and it will disappear once that person dies. However, the one that follows you is very, very strong."

A-Yan continued: "A ghost has no form at first, but if the soul is resentful and the body is buried in a place where the atmosphere has heavy negative energy, it's very likely to turn into a powerful ghost. A ghost will cultivate for a hundred years with a phantom body and, after a long time, it will develop a real body. When they have a real body, they don’t have to resort to 'bump around' like today, and they can even move around in the daytime without fear of Yang energy. They aren't so much ghosts as they are demons or animals." A-Yan clenched his fingers: " The most difficult evil spirit to deal with is known as the true body of the ten thousand clans. It requires special formations, plus needs to be done at the right time and place, so there's not much room for error. Once a part of the process goes wrong, the exorcist is likely to be drowned by the energy, go insane and instead be harmed by the evil spirit."

"L-Last time the formation was set up, Master made a fake one to fool the ghost, and he found the gap in time he needed. Otherwise, if you wanted to eliminate him, I'm afraid that you would have to gather more than fifteen boys in a Mandarin Duck Formation to have any hope." A-Yan suddenly gave Lin Yan a strange smile: "That was because he had just re-entered the world and was still confused when we tricked him. Now, I'm afraid. . . Brother Lin Yan, at this point, he should have already remembered something, right?"

Lin Yan thought back on all the things that happened at the lecture and the ghost's increasingly human-like behaviour. He was secretly surprised; was this ghost really recovering his memory? He nodded and replied, "He told me lots of things the day of the lecture. He can talk, just not very much."

A-Yan smiled nervously: "Y-Your four-pillar pure Yin is the most suitable alignment to feed ghosts. The longer he follows you, the more physical he'll become, and the more he'll remember."

"But. . ." A-Yan looked into the distance with a glaze in his eyes, his fingers tightly squeezed the drink bottle. He turned back and grinned at Lin Yan: "Be very careful."

"All I can say is that every action has a reaction, and I can't help you with anything at that point."

He didn’t know why, but Lin Yan felt that the way the little Daoist priest spoke seemed to imply something. Feeding ghosts. . . Lin Yan harshly inhaled the hospital’s air mixed with the smell of disinfectant and frowned. “Let's not talk about it. We have to save A-Zhou's cousin first and figure out the reason for the possession. Do you have to find out who the deceased is first?"

A-Yan nodded. Yin Zhou held his glasses, a little confused: "We don't have much time left. Dozens of people die in hospitals every month. We don't have time to go through each of them individually."

Lin Yan sighed: "That's no other option. Go and pull up the records of everyone who's died recently in the hospital. Maybe there's a clue somewhere."

After all, there were several people now that were exhausted from the attempted exorcism, paralyzed on the bench and not wanting to move. Lin Yan discreetly adjusted his position. Xiao Yu suddenly walked over to him, squatted down and grabbed his knees with both hands.

Lin Yan turned his face and snorted. "Weren't you ignoring me?"

Xiao Yu didn't answer. He gently lowered his head and put the side of his face on Lin Yan's knees, long hair cascading behind him like a waterfall. Lin Yan instinctively wanted to reach out his hand to touch his head, then he thought that he was probably still angry, so he put on an indifferent air and cold expression, not acknowledging him.

After a while, Xiao Yu raised his head. He pressed his hands firmly against Lin Yan's legs, stood up, turned and walked further down the corridor.

"Where are you going?" Lin Yan asked in a low voice. Seeing that he didn't answer, he had to follow a few steps behind. Xiao Yu quietly returned to the door of Xiao Yang's room and went straight through the door panel. Lin Yan was full of doubts. Peeking carefully through the door glass, he saw that Xiao Yang's mother was tired from crying and was sitting on the side of the bed, dozing off with her arms propping up her forehead. The girl, on the other hand, waited by the window again in the same manner as when Lin Yan had first arrived.

Xiao Yu walked to the girl's back and patted her shoulder lightly. What happened next left Lin Yan dumbfounded. The girl with her rolled-back eyes turned around and quietly "looked" at Xiao Yu, showing a normal human on her face for the first time. The corners of her mouth were pulled downward, a look of aggravation painted clearly on her face. Xiao Yu was tall, so he simply squatted in front of the girl and stroked her hair very softly. They were talking, and Lin Yan's eyes widened. Although he could not hear them, their expressions and slightly moving lips convinced him that they were indeed communicating in a language he didn't understand.

The little Daoist priest and Yin Zhou also followed at this time. They curiously holding the windowpane and looking in. They couldn't help but be shocked by the girl's appearance now.

"She's talking to herself?" Yin Zhou was surprised: "What's she saying?"

"Mortuary language." The little Daoist said in a deep voice. "The language used in ancient rituals to communicate with the dead."

Lin Yan looked at the harmonious picture in the room, unconsciously picking at the crack of the door. He grit his teeth and indignantly thought you're Xiao Yu. At home, you're fierce and want to kill me, yet you go talk to a young girl with such a tender look. You just look at such a pretty young girl that I don’t want to let it go. Zhu Xi's Neo-Confucianist teachings have really gone to the dogs. It’s useless for you to think about it. I decided ages ago. When she's a few years older, I'll take her to watch movies and visit the amusement park. Let's see what you can do. . .

"Hey? Are you going to follow him inside?" Yin Zhou patted Lin Yan on his shoulder. Lin Yan had been distracted internally cursing Xiao Yu, and he was so frightened that the hairs on his neck stood on end.

"Holy shit, when did you get here? Were you trying to scare me to death by keeping quiet?!" Lin Yan grumbled, clutching his heart.

"Did you really not hear me talking so loudly before?!" Yin Zhou said in surprise: ". . . Why are you blushing?"

A-Yan smiled and gave Lin Yan a deep look, not making a sound.

The conversation in the room seemed to be over. Xiao Yu stood up. He leaned over and rubbed the top of the girl's head and walked out. Xiao Yang reluctantly turned and stood by the window again. Lin Yan gritted his teeth and waited outside. He internally decided he wouldn't fall for any more of his tricks considering he seemed to do them with anyone. . .

Xiao Yu had already returned to stand in front of him while he was distracted. Lin Yan turned his face away from him in anger, but Xiao Yu didn't care. He took out the memo and the soft-tip fountain pen Lin Yan had bought from his pocket and began to write.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Yin Zhou looked at the pen and paper hanging in the air and stared in shock.

Xiao Yu shoved the note into Lin Yan's hand, then retreated to stand behind him. Lin Yan looked down. The light green note had two lines written on it. The first line was a series of capitalized numbers: "Three-Five-One-Zero-Zero-Four." The second line was a sentence: "He's waiting for his father."

"Father?" Yin Zhou looked at the words on the note and suddenly clapped his hands: "Hey, I got it, no wonder it came to Xiao Yang. Xiao Yang's mother is a single parent. My uncle passed away last year. I came to the hospital to watch her overnight last week and heard her say she missed her dad and it felt like he was still there with her. . . Then what does that row of numbers mean?"

Lin Yan was also puzzled holding the note. When he asked Xiao Yu, he shook his head and didn't speak. Lin Yan couldn't help muttering, "What the hell? You touched her head and smiled for a long time without asking anything. . . It’s not because the little girl looks good..."

"A g-ghost's memories are incomplete. They can only remember what they want. It would be nice if they can remember the numbers." A-Yan suddenly opened his mouth, his eyes sharply focused towards Lin Yan. Lin Yan's face grew hot, and he hurriedly lowered his head to cover it up. He explained to him that he was searching for people, why did his mind take such a strange turn. . .

That being said, why did he always get distracted by a dead person? This isn't going to work, no. Lin Yan secretly squeezed his fist.

Yin Zhou saw that the two of them were acting strangely. He crossed his hands behind his head and looked around in the corridor. When he saw the computer in front of the nurse on duty at the staircase, his eyes suddenly lit up, and he whistled frivolously: "Look, dude. Time for some fun."

With Lin Yan's girl-pleasing good looks and Yin Zhou's series of honeyed compliments, the three stooges quickly got their hands on the nurse's sister's computer. Yin Zhou stared at the screen intently. His fingers flew across the keyboard and the mouse clicked rapidly. After 15 minutes, the corners of his mouth stretched upward. His whole body suddenly leaned back in the swivel chair. He squinted his eyes and exclaimed: "Done. Turns out the info comes from this hospital. Makes it much more convenient not having to check other systems."

Lin Yan leaned in front of the computer, and the homepage showed: "351004, Zhou Jintian, male, 11 years old, died on May 11. Cause of death: internal organ rupture causing extensive abdominal hemorrhaging." A scanned copy of the body claim form was attached below. In the lower right corner where the family members signed, the family name was written in two large characters: "Zhou Mo" with a small red seal next to it.

"From the deceased's information from the database, this line of numbers is the bed number from the morgue." Yin Zhou touched his head: "This ghost is a child. No wonder he's standing by the window all the time, waiting for his father to pick him up from school."

Lin Yan took a picture of the page with his phone. He smiled and pushed the back of Yin Zhou's head: "Good job."

At the spicy and sour noodle shop across from the hospital.

Lin Yan always disliked eating near hospitals. He always feels that there were grieving patients’ families and infectious bacteria floating everywhere, but these spicy and sour noodles were particularly famous. Lin Yan drove the car for a while, and after a lengthy internal struggle, he turned back. Lin Yan scooped a spoonful of spicy soup and was satisfied that a delicious dinner was definitely worth it.

The little Daoist priest left for a shift in the restaurant where he worked. Yin Zhou stayed in the hospital to see the patient and verify the information. Lin Yan sat alone at the snack bar, a greasy orange plastic table with two bowls of spicy and sour noodles in front of him. One was placed in front of him, and the other was pushed to the opposite side. The "person" only he could see was sitting in the opposite chair with his face turned sideways in a daze. It seems that the ghost really didn't need to eat. Lin Yan sighed and asked in a low voice: "You don't eat or sleep, you follow me every day, aren't you tired?"

Xiao Yu ignored him. His slender fingers propped up his chin, and the outline of his side face looked very beautiful in the dimming daylight. The table was near the window, and the warm yellow halo of the street lamp brushed over the bridge of his nose. His skin looked as fine as porcelain. It felt like porcelain too, icy cold.

Things were still awkward.

"Excuse me, can I borrow the chair? We don't have enough." A childish male voice sounded and Lin Yan raised his head. A boy dressed as a high school student was holding the back of Xiao Yu's chair. He saw Lin Yan looked confused and pointed to the boys and girls chatting at a large table next door. The girls were wearing heavy makeup, the boys wearing ear studs, their school uniforms covered in black and blue pen doodles. There were so many people in the store that they were missing several chairs.

"Someone's using it." Lin Yan replied quietly.

"I know you've been sitting here for a while, no one's there." The boy was unyielding.

"If I say someone's there, someone's there, and if they aren't there now, they will be later." Lin Yan was a little impatient.

"Nutjob, it's just a chair, why so angry?" The boy muttered. Before leaving, he rolled his eyes at Lin Yan.

"Sorry." Lin Yan mumbled to the boy's back. He wasn't sure why. No one could see Xiao Yu, which always made him a little anxious. Lin Yan hesitated and for the first time took the initiative to reach out and touch Xiao Yu's statue-like fingers and whispered, "It's lonely, isn't it? Of all the people in the world, I'm the only one who can see you and I treat you badly."

[kitsbookshelf]

The Twilight Saga: a detailed review of why I can’t stand them and love them in (almost) equal measure

Before I start this borderline scathing review, I just want to let you know that it's full of spoilers, so if you haven't read the books, look away now. This is your only warning.

Now that that's out of the way... I can't stand the Twilight saga. Twelve-year-old me is cringing at my hatred for it, and Twilight fans are waiting to set me on fire, but it's true. I think they're poorly written, and there are soooo many parts of every book that just...missed the mark, at least for me. Let's start at the beginning, with the first book: Twilight.

Bella, our darling main character, moves in with her dad, Charlie (let's take a moment to appreciate perhaps the only normal, mentally stable person in this entire saga), in the rainy small town of Forks, Washington.

Bella is quite a bland character, but that just makes her easier to project yourself onto when you're reading the book if that's how you immerse yourself. For me, I found her obsessive and definitely not emotionally stable, and it did honestly feel like reading the diary of a manic and very unstable 17-year-old. On one hand, that's good--I'm reading from Bella's perspective, and it's written exactly how I'd expect her to write--but on the other hand, the writing feels...cheap? I completely blame my own taste in writing style for my opinion on this one, but I just couldn't enjoy the very boring storytelling happening here. It was all very 'tell-tell-tell' instead of the 'show-tell-show' way of writing I prefer.

Now here is where my adoration for this book comes in: Edward Cullen. Specifically, the interactions between him and Bella. They have conversations, and banter, and it's a fun little human-vampire-friendship that isn't awful to read (I will never never forgive the films for leaving some of the dialogue out, it's pure gold and possibly the only saving grace of this book). The characters felt like teenagers here, but it was only for the few short pages we got of them interacting without the overly-exaggerated brooding that our sweet Ed is known for.

The romance between Bella and Edward is...concerning. For me, I couldn't find a single bit of actual romance between the two of them beyond Bella's obsession with him and Edward's bloodlust and weird self-control thing he has for her. It felt really unhealthy, and I couldn't wrap my head around how people actually think there's romance there.

The whole James thing...I don't know about anyone else, but it felt really random. Yes, it added a conflict to the book, but I felt like there wasn't really any good development to make it more relevant. That all seemed to happen later with Victoria, but James didn't really feel like he fit into the story very well. I think I would have preferred it if he was gradually brought in through the book, or if there was some sort of lead up to the conflict instead of just--WHAM! Tracker dude wants to kill Bella because Edward got protective and now only the final section of the book has any action.

Twilight completely had the potential to be a good vampire-human romance novel. There was no real need for the James-Victoria storyline, even in the later books. What did they add? Only the entirety of Eclipse, but that book could be taken out completely without disrupting the story all that much.

New Moon feels like a completely different book, and I actually really liked it. The writing style still got on my nerves and made it more difficult for me to enjoy the book, but the content was so much better.

Bella's spiral in New Moon really added something to her character. Instead of another book of her constant Edward-Cullen-is-the-most-beautiful-man-to-ever-exist inner monologue, we got a whole book of her.

Jacob Black was introduced, and he was a genuinely likable character (the one thing I will say is that his inability to take 'no' for an answer really did put me off him for a large portion of the book and the next one) who brought some more normality into the book. It didn't feel like I was reading an overly-exaggerated supernatural romance, and I enjoyed it. The banter between the two of them was so realistic, and I actually really loved how Meyer explored Bella's coping mechanisms and her dependency issues when Jacob phased and Bella was left without him again.

The conflict here was much more well-executed than in Twilight, with the Volturi having been mentioned before and now becoming established properly in the saga. They're the perfect villains, and I enjoyed reading about them much more than I enjoyed the rushed few chapters of James's story in Twilight. I loved how Meyer kept Bella awake the entire way home from Italy. You really got to see the sort of wild relief that she felt when getting Edward back, and I think it was well-written and made me feel like there was slightly more going on here than the forced romance in Twilight.

I really do feel like the subject of them being mates should have come up a lot sooner. Maybe some questions on how a human could be a vampire's mate, or exploring the complications of it, because then maybe Bella's obsession would have been far more understandable earlier in the saga, and it might have felt more 'organic' than the relationship I read until Bella became a newborn later on.

And now we reach Eclipse... Eclipse, Eclipse, Eclipse... I hate it. There isn't a single part of this book that I can honestly say I enjoyed. I felt like it could have been taken out completely, and it wouldn't have made a difference to the story.

The whole book felt like a filler, purely there to resolve the issue of Victoria before moving on to Bella's pregnancy and vampirism in Breaking Dawn. It didn't feel like any part of it was important, or really memorable.

Victoria's whole storyline could have been erased without destroying the saga. The only interesting thing about the whole conflict with her was that she managed to orchestrate it without Alice seeing her, and that was the one thing that kept the book rolling on instead of it being a handful of chapters of the newborns being defeated.

The one thing that this book set up was the truce between the werewolves and the vampires, and I definitely think that could have been done in another way if James and Victoria had never existed (if you can't already tell, I really don't see the point to James and Victoria, and they don't add anything to the books except for a tiny, irrelevant bit of drama).I enjoyed how Meyer wrote the love triangle, and how she made Bella love them both. It felt, to me, more realistic that Bella would feel something for Jacob after everything we read in New Moon and how much she cared about him.

Beyond those things, though, this book really did feel completely useless to me, and I couldn't wait to stop reading it and get back to something that felt like it had a decent plot.

Okay, last one (I commend you for surviving this far). Breaking Dawn.

I...didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. I think it's a good conclusion to the saga, and I like how the characters all got a happy ending, but I can't say I think it's amazing or even close.

Bella becoming a mother felt strange and disjointed to the rest of the books--she'd never said she wanted to have a baby, and had even stated that she didn't mind not having a child if it meant being a vampire with Edward. Then suddenly she's pregnant and will let herself die to give birth to the baby? It doesn't fit with what we've read of her character up to this point, and it irked me.

And the baby name...Renesme... Can we take a second to appreciate how stupid that sounds? There were so many other options--honestly, I'd have taken literally any other option--and Bella chose to mash their mothers' names together in the worst possible way. Renesme. Ugh.

Don't even get me started on Jacob imprinting on a baby. The whole thing of imprinting makes perfect sense, but why, why, why did he have to imprint on a baby? A half-vampire baby? Surely his wolf-y instincts would be telling him to get away from her, not throw him right into her tiny little arms and have him fall in love with her. I don't get it, it creeps me out, and that's all I'm going to say about it.

As for everything else... I think it was good, it just sort of felt flat to me. All of the good parts seemed to happen intermittently through the book, scattered between barely tolerable sections and parts that, in my opinion, were shoddy. It made for a difficult book to get through, but the conclusion to the saga was almost worth the trouble.

[tartagilicious]

only to you > gavin, mlqc

I call this piece: i suck at dialogue. someone please teach me 😫 // w.c 1472 // requested by: anonymous -

Hi!! Can I get an order of gavin comforting mc when she’s devastated by something? Perhaps with a side of them in a relationship? 👀 (hope you’re holding up well after the new PV because I’m sure as hell not LOL)

--

The day starts unceremoniously. I wake well past noon suddenly short of breath, as if a nightmare had stolen it from me -- but then again, I’m not sure I can say that’s false. The satellite at sea, Cyril’s affixation on spreading an eternal snow, all of the details flooding back into my brain are more than enough to warrant that explanation.

Truthfully, I almost leave it at that. Like I don’t want it to be true.

Yet as soon as I move my body, I’m cruelly reminded of just how real everything had been. I gasp in pain and rip back the covers of my bed to reveal my messily bandaged feet, still visibly dark with frostbite. My breath starts to pick up again from there, too fast and panicked, yet, it’s beyond me to stop it.

There’s only one thought on my mind: Did I do it?

I lift my gaze to search the room around me, and upon landing on a familiar framed picture of a smiling Gavin, I feel solace in it. I don’t know what kind of tears slip from my eyes at that moment, truthfully. But, no matter the reigning emotion, I’m only relieved to be back.

Just as I begin to feel comfortable again, something rapidly interrupts the silence. I turn my head to find the source, my phone, buzzing uncontrollably on the nightside table. It almost seems to dance in the way it vibrates, and a large part of me hesitates to even look at it.

News outlets, texts, and other notifications of all the sort are pouring onto the screen without restraint.

Much to my horror, it only stops after several minutes. My recovering hands reach over tentatively to move and grab it, and within a shaky grip, I read the most recent message out of habit. Sitting starkly at the top of the screen is an article from a local station detailing the crises related to the evol virus, and gives tips on how to adjust back into normal life after the eradication.

I do a double take.

Eradication?

My face goes taut with nerves as my thoughts run on overdrive, only coming to a stop when I’ve read the date at the top of the screen.

It’s been six months? I was in the dream world for six months?

I look up from my phone blankly, and as if opening my eyes further, I start to recognise the sizeable layer of dust that covers every noticeable surface in the room.

I start to feel sick.

A thousand questions swirl through my head at once, but above most of them, there’s one that stands out -- what about Gavin?

I fumble through my tears to call him as my hopes of a normal world go straight down the drain. He picks up halfway through the first ring, his familiar steady breathing comforting in the way it comes over the receiver.

“___?”

I bite my lip, capping the stream of words I was going to blurt out and settling with the safer option.

“Gavin��� do you remember me?”

He’s silent. But, much to my surprise, he just responds with a short laugh. “What do you mean? Do you really not have confidence in yourself?”

I sigh in relief as a small chuckle escapes Gavin’s lips.

“I knew you could do it.”

I can feel his warm smile from over the phone. I’ll never forget the happiness that bloomed in my chest upon seeing him in the black cabin again, my lover finally dressed the way I was used to and smiling in a way that still makes my heart beat a little faster than usual.

Though Gavin was right in front of me in the other world, seeing the Gavin I knew again let me tell him everything I couldn’t say to the other.

“I missed you.”

Only the Gavin I knew could say that he missed me too.

“Actually, I don’t know if I did it right,” I say, trying to hide the stress that peeks into my voice. “I mean, did you get the chance to look around yet?”

He sighs, the sound of his hand running through his hair coming through the receiver. “Yeah, yeah I did. But, the time skip isn’t something you did, is it? Time can’t possibly flow the same way in every universe.”

I hum quietly. “I just hope that’s it.”

I wipe away a stray tear and sniffle without thinking about it, immediately freezing as Gavin’s soft voice sounds again.

“...Are you crying?”

“Wha- no!” I panic, forcing out a laugh that slowly dies as my face crumples. “I-I’m really not, you know…”

“Come on, where are you? I need to know you’re okay after all of that.”

Fighting the striking pain in my frostbitten feet, I can’t help but hesitate. While Gavin had seen and even bandaged my wounds himself, I doubt he remembered through the haziness of meeting again. But, the chance of seeing in the real world again sets off something in my chest that I never want to get rid of.

“...Can I meet you on my balcony?”

Gavin laughs gently through his nose. “Of course. I’ll see you in a few?”

I hum quietly, shifting as I get up to see if I can walk normally.

“I love you, ___.”

I stop mid-action and smile fondly, my tears momentarily drying due to the warmth glowing in my chest. Every time he utters those words, it’s like I’m hearing them for the first time.

“I love you, too.”

True to his promise, he wastes little time getting to me, appearing in the sky mere minutes later. I get hot feet seeing him again, ironically, but once he’s close I forget about everything for a moment. It’s only for a split second, but I feel weightless.

Gavin’s expression mirrors mine almost immediately, and just as his feet are about to touch solid ground, I jump the short distance into his arms. His arms tighten around me steadfastly before I can so much as even get a word out.

The same warm feeling I'd experienced meeting him in the black cabin spreads throughout my chest, and tenderly, a new onslaught of tears nurses it well.

“A-ah, Gavin,” I mumble shakenly, warmth flooding my chest as he pulls my head into his shoulder with familiarial ease. “Are you okay?”

“Don’t worry about me,” He says in a soft voice, hand rising to cradle the back of my head. “I’m so proud of you.”

I stay silent, scrunching my fingers together where they rest on his back.

“...Without you there, I couldn’t have done it.”

He hums in disapproval, beginning to sway casually with me in his arms. “Don’t try to downplay what you did, ___. You figured out how to go from one world to the other while all I did was talk.”

“...I still wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.”

He’s thoughtfully silent.

“Everything we’ve been through together, it’s shaped me into who I am and how I make my own decisions.” I murmur, my hand raising to wind through the hair at his nape. “And though I was a stranger in that world, you never hesitated to talk me out of irrational things or stand by my side. What I mean is, no matter where I go, your influence on me-- it’s--”

My tears cut me off.

Gavin responds by securing his arms around me, burying his nose deeper into my neck until I can feel his lips brush my skin.

“Do you remember what I told you then?” He asks softly, only cajoling more tears out of me. “No matter what path you take, I will always be by your side.”

I take a deep breath, and slowly, I nod.

I want to make up for the time we weren’t in each other’s lives.

He’s right -- I know he is. Ever since I met him again at the police station all that time ago, a tight expression on his face and too-sweet coffee in his grip, he’s done nothing but as he says. Every hill I chose to die on and every dumb mistake i’ve made, he’s had my back.

I want to make up for the time we weren’t in each other’s lives.

I want to spend our weeknights together eating takeout on my balcony, even though there’s nothing wrong with the table inside. To go to the movies and play arcade games before making out in the back row like kids falling in love for the first time.

I want to make the most of the time we’re in each other’s lives.

My eyes flutter shut, and instead of all the things I should be worrying about, all I see in my mind is him.

[llynprintonnarrativedesign]

Dialogue Analysis 2, Walking Dead Final Season & Until Dawn

Today I am analyzing two dialogue driven games, that is games where dialogue is a mechanic in addition to an element of the narrative. First we have the Walking Dead the Final Season, and after that we have Until Dawn, and by looking at them we’ll see what makes good mechanical dialogue, and what makes bad mechanical dialogue. 

Let us begin with Until Dawn.

(stare into her eyes and see death incarnate)

Until dawn is more or less a playable slasher movie, all of the characters (who are ostensibly in high school) are motion captures and voice acted by actors in their late 20s or early to mid 30s, the dialogue is exquisitely hammy, and frankly it is one of my favorite games. The game essentially has two main mechanics, quick time events, and making the choice of what what action the character you are current controlling takes for talking, paths to go down, and other pivotal choices. 

Based on the choices you make, all, some, or none of the games characters will survive... until dawn. Many of the choices have objective right or wrong answers in terms of how to keep the characters alive and happy with each other (unless you’re trying to get them killed which is... fair). The game also has a character info page for each person in the story.

However, none of these stats matter when you are controlling the character, someone with a high honesty score could be made to lie or someone with a low curiosity score could investigate a strange and scary noise. These stats are affected by player choices but only matter when you are not controlling them. The impact from dialogue choices is often high and hard to gauge if you have not played the game before. Having low relationship status between certain characters can result in one of them dying, for example if Chris (second image) and Ashley have a low enough score, Ashley will let Chris die towards the end of the game. 

Lastly are several sequences in which you play as an unknown character (whose identity is revealed later in the game) speaking with a therapist. The doctor will at times ask the player explicitly what of three things is the most scary to them, almost immediately after which, the thing you marked as scariest will appear. This is rather ham-handed in terms of scaring the player through dialogue and is wonderfully cheesy if completely ineffectual as after it happens once you can be sure it will happen after it happens again later in the game. Overall as much as I like the game itself, the dialogue system is quite lacking in terms of how it improves the game through player choice.

Moving on.

The other game I want to talk about is Telltale’s Walking Dead the Final Season. I’ve already analyzed the first game earlier and as such would point you to that for specifics. Anyone familiar with Telltale will know more or less how their games work. What makes TFS different is your companion character AJ. Mirroring the bond Clementine and Lee had in the first game, AJ will take in what the player tells him, and what actions he performs on his own based on what you’ve told him impact the game to a much greater degree than they did for Clementine in season one.

The big thing I want to emphasize in analyzing the Final Season is a sequence right before the end of the final episode, where it appears that Clementine has died (she hasn’t) and the player controls AJ. Unlike the standard interface of showing dialogue options based on what the character will say next like when the player was controlling Clem, Lee, or Javier in any of the previous games, the interface for dialogue options shows the reasoning behind what AJ is about to say.

Just the simple change in how the dialogue is displayed shows how AJ’s thinking process is different from Clem’s and those who came before her. The choices he can make are influenced by the lessons the player as Clementine chose to instill in him.

(Clementine dialogue for comparison)

As much as people like to meme on Telltale games, the long reaching effects of the player’s actions, especially in the final game, really allow the player to influence the characters around them and the relationships between them, and their relationships with the main character, if they exist at all. 

All in all, Until Dawn and the Walking Dead Final Season are both games I enjoy immensely, though for very different reasons. In TWD TFS it is because I feel a real connection to the characters built from an understanding of them that comes from the ways the game allows me to explore their thoughts and feelings through dialogue. In Until Dawn it’s because the cannibalism murder monster died in normal human clothes and everything has torn/worn off except for the underwear. 

(I will never not find this funny)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

book blogging #6: I Choosing My Own Romantic Adventure

a humble recap of my journey through My Lady’s Choosing: An Interactive Romance Novel, by Kitty Curran and Larissa Zageris.

in case anyone isn’t familiar with the premise of a choose your own adventure book, it fucking slaps: at each critical crossroad in the story you’ll be offered a handful of actions to take, each of which will direct you to a different page where you’ll see how your fate plays out. 

I did a lot of the Goosebumps choose your owns as a kid and those usually ended with me either dying or transformed into a horrifying monster no matter how much I frantically flipped back and forth trying to cheat the system, so I felt like an absolute genius playing through this book purely on the basis that I never managed to die.

what did I accomplish? well, in order for that explanation to make any sense, first I have to talk about our romantic options. 

as depicted on the cover, starting in the top left and working clockwise, we have Garraway Craven, who seems to be a bit of a mishmash between Heathcliff (ew) and that bitch that Jane Eyre gets involved with (double ew). spoiler alert, I don’t know a ton about Garraway or his storyline because I never got anywhere near it. I’m not nearly dedicated enough to book blogging to run off to some godforsaken moor and flirt it up with a maniac just for the #content.

next we have Sir Benedict Granville, our obligatory Mr. Darcy stand in. if you know anything about me and the normal amount that I like Pride and Prejudice you’ll be unsurprised to learn that he was a priority on my romancing to-do list, but reader beware: he’s not fucking worth it. more on this in a moment.

the dashing kilt-wearing man on the horse is Captain Mac; that’s a nickname, but I’ve forgotten what his full name was. he seems to be more a parody of the entire “rugged yet sensitive Scotsman” trope so popular among romance novelists. in case it’s not obvious yet, Curran and Zageris are extremely aware of the tropes of the genre, and have an absolutely delightful time tossing them around like birdies in a spirited game of badminton.

lastly we have Lady Evangeline, a scandalous lady of adventure and academia. she parties, she knows her way around London’s dens of iniquity, she can translate Egyptian hieroglyphs. if you read that and thought “wow, gay,” you are extremely correct.

those are the four big names, but it’s also more than possible to wander off on a sidequest and find love with a secondary character. Curran and Zageris really do manage to cram an impressive amount of story and options into a relatively small book, and while the story sometimes feels a bit rushed or lacking in detail, it’s entirely excusable given the constraints of the medium. 

so, the all important question: whomst did I romance?

first, of course, I did my queer due diligence and and went after Evangeline. it’s a bit of a slow build to get to her, but once you allow her to whisk you away from England for an adventure in Egypt things really take off. there’s action, revenge, kidnapping, chase scenes, an ancient love temple that can only be discovered through the power of orgasms, you name it.

(a note about sex in this book, since I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea: while you can certainly find yourself in some saucy situations, it never gets much more explicit than some vague descriptions and double entendres so obvious that they’re really just single entendres.)

after Evangeline I set my sights on Benedict, but ultimately determined him a lost cause. there is a fairly intriguing mystery of familial drama to unravel around Benedict, which is fun, but the man himself is insufferable. using banter to conceal romantic tension is one thing, but there comes a point where a dude is rude enough that you have to bail - which I did, in order to help Mac out with the orphanage he runs for children who have lost their parents in the war.

(what war? you know. The War.)

Mac’s a fun one, even if his phonetic accent is painful to read, and according to the narration the two of you can possibly invent the concept of having sex in a shower. his plotline gets a little convoluted once the orphanage burns down and you have to move all the orphans to a falling-down castle in the Highlands (I know) and at risk of spoiling a chose your own adventure novel I ended up absconding with my childhood sweetheart to work as a British spy. wild!

as I said, I wasn’t nearly curious enough to find out what happens if you go to the moors, but I did circle back to Evangeline’s Egypt storyline to go after a minor character who seemed like prime romance material. his name is Kamal, he curates a museum, and the narrative really goes out of its way to mention how bookish and boyishly handsome he is before giving you a chance to go on a date tour of the market with him. I went after Kamal, a bit of action ensued, and the two of us ended up happily married with a kickass museum and several children to whom Evangeline is a doting godmother, which isn’t a bad ending at all.

overall? it’s silly, it’s fun, I’d absolutely nab another book of this nature. I appreciate how far out of its way the book goes to avoid giving defining physical characteristics to the POV character, meaning she could plausibly look like almost anything, although there’s a definite assumption of her being able-bodied and cisgender. 

there are a few less than perfect slip ups: the book often wobbles on that line between parodying how other books exoticize Egypt and also shamelessly exoticizing Egypt, and while including a f/f romance is cool it does feel a little token-y when Evangeline is the only female love interest among at least half a dozen men. if there were any other female options they must have been out on the moors with Craven, because I certainly never found them (and believe me, I wanted to find them). 

overall? sure, pick it up. the worst thing that could happen is marrying an abysmally old man who dies on your wedding day and leaves you an impressive fortune. 

[tired-college-student-writing]

From the Ashes

Summary: It wasn't supposed to end like this. Merlin was supposed to protect Arthur until he united all of Albion, not be burned at the stake by his sadistic father. He was supposed to serve him until the day both men died. How did it end up like this?

___________________________________________

The twisted look on his father’s face just made his stomach swoop.

Arthur was no stranger to executions of magic users. They were almost routine now, and he couldn’t remember a time more than two months passed in between a pyre being lit. As he grew older he felt more numb watching the events than anything else, even if before and after his heart clenched in sorrow.  

This time, however, numbness refused to take him. How could it when Merlin was being led to the stake?

The goofy moronic servant had gotten close to Arthur over the last four years, always standing by him, always lending an ear when he needed it, never afraid to offer up a quip or insult when the royal needed to be brought back to reality. It wasn’t always a welcomed truth but Arthur found he grew fond of the unhesitant words of rebuttal and clumsy actions of the other man.

He may not always be the nicest to Merlin, berating him and throwing things at him when he’s mad but he never wanted him dead. Let alone burned.

But Merlin had magic, it was undeniable the way his eyes had lit up a blazing soul-piercing gold as the assassin was pulled from the rafters after nearly taking Arthur’s head off.

Anyone with eyes could see that he had only been protecting his prince, but as the gold faded Arthur could see his servant pale and begin to shake as he realized what he had just done, trying to sputter out apologies even as Uther yelled for the guards to seize Merlin.

There was no exception to the ban on Magic after all, not even for saving the crowned prince.

He was let frozen as Merlin begged not to be taken, vows that he only ever used his magic to help Camelot, to help Arthur, how he had been born with the spark, using magic before he could even speak, how he had no choice in the art, begging for Arthur to understand, to not hate him.

He struggled to remain in the throne room, to beg at Arthur’s feet, but he didn’t attempt to escape from the guards hold, didn’t attempt to flee.

He didn’t want to be saved, Arthur realized later, as he threw up near the stables. The only thing Merlin had wanted was for Arthur not to hate him.

Arthur couldn’t even give him that much as the guards caught him trying to sneak down to the cells that night. His father had been worried he had been enchanted, and now that Arthur had done what his father would only expect from an enchanted prince. He had been confined to his rooms until the execution.

He heard from a haunted-looking Leon who was ordered to stand guard on the Prince that Gwaine had been arrested for attempting to break Merlin out of the cells along with Lancelot. Eylan and Percival visited Arthur, uncertainty weaving through their words and movements.

Magic was hated by them all for its corrupting quality, they had seen how Morgona had been twisted so easily, but Merlin was… Merlin. He was The Round Table’s younger brother, a kind and loving friend to all. They protected him with a ferocity that only was matched in the intensity that they teased him with. He, in turn, treated the knights as equals, caring for them passed what was appropriate for a servant to do, but he just rolled his eyes at them with a sarcastic “Of course, sir knight,” before returning to his normal behavior.

But they had seen the good in Magic, hadn’t they? The light that had guided Arthur when Merlin was poisoned, Merlin’s friend Will saving them all from the invaders, and recently Dragoon the Great had healed Uther, pulling him back from the brink of death, though he had almost killed him before finding the charm placed on him that changed healing energy into harm. Arthur had been relieved each time, even when Uther had screamed for the guards the moment he opened his eyes.

Gaius also visited, grief and sorrow making the old physician look frail. Arthur accepted his gruff words about not knowing his ward had been practicing magic under his nose, even though he knew from the way his eyes teared up and his hands shook that he was lying. He was already losing his best friend, he wasn’t risking losing Gaius as well.

Now here he stood on the balcony overlooking the courtyard next to his father, he wished he had tried harder to get to Merlin. He was the only member of the Round Table here, the only one to see the hollow look on Merlin’s face. He was moving stiffly as if a puppet being pulled along against its will. Even from where he stood Arthur could see the dried tear tracks on his face and the red around his eyes.

He felt like he couldn’t breathe as his father’s speech bounced around the silent crowd, not hearing a word of it as the fire was lit. He wanted to yell at Merlin to fight, to use his magic to break free and run, but his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth. His father had warned him harshly as he pulled him to the balcony that if he tried calling out to Merlin, to encourage him to escape, that Uther would have the man tortured before being burned. Arthur refused to cause his friend any more pain.

Merlin didn’t move as the fire licked higher,  didn’t even cough as the smoke overtook his form. Arthur could tell that he was burning, his best friend was burning, but he was as lifeless as a doll, but Arthur knew he wasn’t dead yet. It took at least an hour before the fire would die down and Uther would allow for the guards to put out the fire, certain the sorcerer was dead. At thirty minutes the cries were usually the loudest, but still nothing from Merlin.

There was sudden movement as they neared the hour mark, and through the haze, Arthur had let himself fall into he saw his father’s eyes narrow.

A crack sounded from the pyre and the crowd gasped as lightning struck the center of the fire. The intensity of the blast jarred Arthur to the very bone as the castle shook around him, knocking him to his knees. By the time he scrambled to his feet the fire had been extinguished, faster than should be possible by ordinary means.

In the center of the smoldering remains was Merlin, clothes singed badly and ash covering his skin but he was there and seemed unharmed, and he didn't quite fight back relieved laughter. Suddenly Merlin’s face snaps up to him and his father, revealing the blazing golden eyes that were burned into his memory. The sorcerer's face was unnaturally blank as Uther barked to the guards to seize him.

They didn’t get the option as Merlin lifted into the air without a word, floating elegantly to land on the railing of the balcony, looming over the Pendragons with an unrivaled authority Arthur never would have paired with Merlin but seemed so natural.

“What sort of trick is this, Sorcerer?” Uther barked, fury rolling off of him in waves.

“Oh Uther,” Merlin sighed, words echoing unnaturally through the courtyard, “You truly don’t see how ignorant you’ve become of Magic, and how hypocritical.”  

“Merlin was no Sorcerer,” Merlin told them, “He was a Warlock. you know the difference, Uther, but for your son’s benefit, I will explain. Warlocks are blessed with their gifts from birth and they develop somewhere between their early teens and twenty years old as Morgana did, but Merlin was special, he’s been using magic since the moment he drew his first breath. No, that it mattered, you had him burned for something he couldn’t control any more then you could decide what color your hair is. ”

Arthur felt his heart squeeze, “Why are you referring to yourself like that Merlin?”

The golden gaze turned to him, and almost seemed to soften as it spoke the words that sent ice through his veins, “I’m sorry Arthur, but Merlin is dead.”

Uther raised a brow, “Who are you then?”

“I am a being of legend,” Mer-The thing wearing Merlin’s skin explained, “Magic coursed through Merlin since the moment he was conceived, been at his disposal since he drew his first breath, using magic for him was instinctual as breathing and blinking is for you. His destiny laid out a path that magic had carved for him, he was to be the most powerful magic user that ever was. I was his magic, the connection he shared with the Old Religion that would allow him to protect the Once and Future King. I was meant to just be an aspect of him, but now that he’s gone Magic refuses to let the Once and Future King remain unprotected before his destiny can be fulfilled. So I have been awoken, and will remain at Arthur’s side until the day comes that he no longer needs a protector, or until Magic can convince Merlin to return from Avalon.”

“I’ll have you put to death if you get near my son,”

The being let out an ungodly laugh that sent fear down the spines of those gathered.

“Poor Poor Uther,” It cried, edging on pity, “You never learned your lesson. You can kill as many magic users as you wish, you can hunt them for sport, but you can’t rid the world of Magic, and you can’t avenge your wife because it’s not Magic’s fault that you did not heed the warnings.”

Arthur sucked in a startled breath, eyes flying to his father, “Morgause spoke the truth. You used magic so that I could be born, even though you were warned that someone must die.”

“Yes,” The being confirmed, “Your father ignored the warnings about how balance must be kept, he believed that the one that died would be a peasant or knight, someone with whose life he saw as forfeit compared to a prince’s. Only when it was Ygraine did he realize the true nature of what he asked, and chose to blame Magic and Nimih instead of his own choices. The only thing the vision lied to you about is that your Mother would never have blamed Uther for her death, nor would she have wanted for you to slay him in vengeance.”

“Why lie?” Arthur whispered, fists clenching, “Why not tell me the truth?”

“Because Merlin did not want to see you hurt in such a way,” The being explained, “He cared for you enough that he would allow your hatred of magic to remain so that you would not slay your own father in cold blood. It’s why Merlin broke the enchantment between your father and the troll, why he had Excalibur made, why he took the form of Dragoon and healed your father. It is also the reason I will not lay him to rest myself, even should you request it. Even so, he can not harm nor kill me.”

“Don’t be so cocky,” Uther seethed.

“Against you, Uther?” The being said, face blank as a slate, but full of promises, “It’s not being cocky, it’s stating fact.”

The being stepped down to the balcony and walked through the door behind them, not even flinching as Uther pulled his sword and tried to stab it through the being. The sword didn’t even make it close to it as a golden shield appeared and shattered the steel blade like it was an icicle.

Arthur took off after ignoring the calls from his father. He caught up to it after it had run into Percival outside Arthur’s chambers. The bear of a man was trembling, white as a sheet, staring at the golden-eyed being with fear that seemed more befitting a young maiden. Arthur would have found it comical if it had been any other circumstance, but right now he just felt empathy.

“Merlin…” The man spoke, “You’ve…”

“Merlin is dead,” Arthur spoke up before the being could, “This isn’t Merlin.”

The knight stared at him as if he had grown three heads, “But sire, it’s clearly-”

“Gather the Table, Sir Percival,” Arthur ordered, voice low and harsh, “I- We’ll explain once we have everyone. Break Lancelot and Gwaine out of jail if you have to, just get everyone here as soon as you can.”

The knight sprinted off with speed uncharacteristic of the large knight.

“What should I call you?” Arthur asked once the door shut behind him, “If you’re not Merlin if you’re simply his magic or whatever else you are…”

The being gazed at him in confusion, his eternal golden eyes, “I suppose Emrys is the best name for me. It was the name the druids created for the protector of the Once and Future King.”

“Alright, Emrys then. You’ll need to explain more about that Once and Future King business once the others arrive.”

“Of course, Sire.”

Arthur felt odd stripping from his court clothing with the be- Emrys simply stood like a statue by the bed, seeming to not even breathe, but he had a feeling that this was going to be a long talk.

The door crashed open unexpectedly before Arthur could finish changing, a sober and pissed off looking Gwaine, followed closely by the other knights, Percival hanging back, eyes vacant with fear. Gwen and Gaius were hanging near the back, tear streaks still evident on their faces.

Gwaine let out a sob as he saw Emrys standing there, crossing the room instantly to pull the being into a tight hug, “Thank the gods! How did you manage to escape?”

“I am not Merlin,”

Gwaine pulled back and stared at the being in confusion, “What do you-”

“Gwaine,” Arthur said as he pulled on his shirt, “We all need to sit down while Emrys and I explain… explain what happened at Merlin’s execution.”

Leon let out a slight gasp looking to the being for the first time since he entered the room, and Gauis looked like he might be sick, but no one could muster up a word as they tensely circled the room.

Arthur turned to the still statue-like Emrys, “Tell them everything you told my father and I at the execution site.”

The being didn’t move even as Gwaine pulled back uncertainty, didn’t even seem to acknowledge the others in the room as they slowly formed a circle around the room, but after being prompted he quickly started to recount the events of the morning. Arthur wasn’t sure listening to the emotionless factual retelling was better or worse than the real events. Everything was so... detached from Emrys as if the being could care less about Merlin's death outside of what it meant for it existing. A completely blank expression and a dull monotone didn't fit Merlin's face and voice, least of all when telling them about how the licking flames and suffocating smoke had driven the very essence of the man they all called a friend from his body, leaving a corpse behind before magic decided to create its own consciousness to stand-in.

“So Emrys,” Gwaine pushed, anger boiling just below the surface, “Why don’t you tell us everything Merlin did for Camelot? All the things that he did for Arthur that the princess couldn’t even be bothered to save him for?”

“Oh really?” Arthur snapped, “You want to say I did nothing? I argued and fought with my father but he was convinced the only reason I would still care for a magic user is that he enchanted me and reassured me that once Arthur was dead I would see reason. Then I couldn’t even speak up at the execution because my father warned me that if I even spoke a single word before the hour was up that he would burn all of Merlin’s friends. After all, clearly, one of them was also a magic-user and keeping the enchantment up! I was already losing my best friend, I didn’t want to lose any of you as well!”

“Stop this now,” Gauis cried, looking worn and tired, “None of this fighting is going to bring back Merlin, we’ve all failed him!”

The knights fell silent, frustration and sorrow oozing from all as they gazed around the room at each other, daring someone to speak.

“Odd,” Emrys said after a long moment, head cocking slightly to the side, the first real movement he made since entering the room.

“What?” Arthur snapped, glaring at the golden eyes that should be blue. Emrys simply looked between the knights before gazing back at Arthur.

“You really do care for him," Emrys stated with the barest hint of wonderment in his voice that caused Arthur's heart to wither, "even though Merlin left this plane believing that you despised him. Even Magic didn’t account for all of the knights siding with Merlin when Uther was still alive. Gaius, Lancelot, and Gwen were always going to stand by him but the rest of you...You all are very odd.”