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uwumessenger · 4 years ago

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random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

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derangedhyena-zoids · 3 years ago

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And this has some story-relevance and also needs a draft for the site, so: some characters’ general lineages

...and why that does/doesn’t matter After the Cataclysm and the breakdown of society in general, most people stopped caring very much about the Empire and the Republic. The concepts continued to be used as rallying points, and for a time the figureheads of authority were maintained. But as far as “otherness” went, most people just didn’t really care that much anymore. There were way bigger problems. The Empire was considerably older than the Republic, though - and had a lot more money and pride in its existence. Specifically, very well-established families and their wealth. And they didn’t agree with most people. Because of this, the Empire as a concept was far more resistant to breakdown than the Republic was, especially as was ultimately enshrined by the GF/ZBGF. (like it or not, the GF was a Republican-led endeavor and had a slight bias from the start.) Disgruntled Imperial families VERY LITERALLY formed the basis for not only Backdraft, but the entire wealth class/divide seen in NC0. They likely own most of the large companies in modern times as well. As I’ve mentioned before, a schism had developed in Backdraft over the past few decades, a clear divide between old and new. Old-Backdraft had strict expectations about one’s heritage; new-Backdraft couldn’t keep functioning with expectations that strict, so got rid of them. There were also just different goal-sets in general, and nobody was happy (re: anime tie-in - what exactly was the Count talking about with the issues/stagnation in Backdraft? THIS.)

Sara is in the old-Backdraft camp. Quite firmly. This makes her think quite highly of anyone of Imperial descent, and... way less highly of people who aren’t. (Keep in mind that Ryss’s bloodline is considered Imperial, due to Raven and information being lost to time. Also keep in mind that all the kids/lineages Hiltz contributed to - while living in the Republic - are considered Republican, if they’re noted at all.) Folks who are strictly of Imperial descent: Albion (”““obviously”““) Sara Stoller Polta The Count

THIS MOTHERFUCKER WITH AN IMPERIAL UNIFORM ON WHO TOOK CARE OF CAMFORD WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD WHILE... LATER BEING IN THE REPUBLICAN ARMY WHICH HE THEN RETIRED FROM, PARDON ME? CANON SAYS WHAT? Folks who are largely of Imperial descent: Bit Naomi Folks who are largely of Republican descent: The Toros Family(tm) Layon* Alteil** Anyone not mentioned basically falls into the “most of Zi, actually” category of ‘you really can’t tell anymore and/or there weren’t enough records about your family in the first place’ the point ultimately being it REALLY doesn’t fucking matter but good lord that’s not stopping these dumbasses, is it The main reason that Imperial bloodlines stand out is because they spent entirely too much time making family bushes-not-trees early on, leading to a bunch of persistent genetic fuckery. No one understands enough about Zoidians (read: the species has almost been lost, conceptually) to understand any of the actual hybrids and their descendents in amongst this mess. Again as I’ve said in other posts, Alteil was closest to figuring things out, and since he’s dead now, the literal only hope is Layon. Vega’s not even as “strictly Imperial” as Sara would like but GOD FORBID YOU EVER BREATHE A WORD ABOUT THAT. welcome also to why Brad occupies a particularly harsh ‘gum stuck on shoe’ status with Sara. *Layon honestly couldn’t have given two shits about his heritage until he found out about it because he joined up with Backdraft - where Sara kinda used it as a point against him (I’m sorry but their one canon interaction is just... so... weirdly condescending, to me?). IMO he spent a lot of time associating with Alteil (stressfully), so he may or may not have been able to talk to him more about it, idk. **Alteil, bro. Oof. No wonder nobody on the fucking Committee likes you and why you had such a complex. aaaaaaa tl;dr idk man, Sara’s a bitch

#headcanon #and with D I suppose the caveat would be 'the non-zoidian side was imperial'#but like with Ryss and Hiltz his father got lumped into the associated side #so...#honestly the whole fucking mess is tragic why is this whole story just Tragic with More Tragedy and aaaaaaa

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chicgeekgirl89 · 4 years ago

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Skateboards and Stickers and Stubborn Paramedics

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: T.K. Strand, Carlos Reyes, Nancy Gillian, Tommy Vega

Summary: When T.K. takes a spill at a skate park he's sure he's fine. Completely. Nothing broken at all. He's a paramedic. He checked. It turns out paramedics make pretty bad patients.

CW: Slight mentions of drug use and relapsing

A/N: This was supposed to just be a whumpy little fic and it...quickly got out of control. A thousand bazillion thanks to @bluenet13 who beta'ed the crap out of it for me more times than she should have and put up with my incessant complaining about it. Without her, this fic would not have happened.

Written for the @badthingshappenbingo prompt “Broken Ribs.”

AO3

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“Oof.”

It was a small noise, the only one that could escape T.K.’s lips as he flew through the air and crashed unceremoniously into the ground. Hard.

It should have been painful, but instead everything went immediately numb as the breath left his lungs and he lay there, completely stunned on the concrete. “Watch your back bro!” an unfamiliar voice called as the sound of wheels skated dangerously close to his head.

T.K. would have responded, but all that came out was a strained wheeze as his lungs tried to remember how to function. “Holy shit! T.K.! Hey are you okay?”

Nancy came directly into his line of vision, eyes clouded with worry. “Uggghhh,” was all T.K. could manage, still trying desperately for breath, a hand going to his chest as if that would somehow help.

Nancy turned away, fire in her eyes as she yelled at someone nearby. “Dude what the hell? Didn’t you see him standing there?”

“Oh god,” T.K. croaked out, finally able to draw some air into his lungs.

“Don’t move,” Nancy said, switching immediately from irate friend to paramedic. “That kid took you down hard. You must have flown eight feet.”

They’d taken a call at a skate park for a kid, Evan, with a knee injury. He was about fourteen and the injury wasn’t great, but it wasn’t critical either. T.K. had been packing things up to take back to the ambulance when someone had slammed into him from the side and sent him flying.

“I’m okay,” he grunted, trying to ease himself into a sitting position. He hissed as lightning shot through his ribs and seriously considered lying back down and staying there forever.

“Cap!” Nancy yelled, waving to get her attention before she turned back to T.K. “What hurts?”

“I’m fine,” T.K. said, even as his ribs and hip began to throb. He was going to have some spectacular bruises within the hour.

“Did you hit your head?”

“No,” T.K. exhaled slowly, trying to control the shockwaves of pain now radiating through his body. “I landed on my side. My skull is fully intact so you can skip the jokes about brain damage.”

“What happened?” Tommy asked, kneeling beside them.

“Some kid nearly killed T.K.,” Nancy said indignantly as she reached for T.K.’s wrist and began to take his pulse.

“It was an accident,” T.K. said, still trying to assess the damage and decide how badly he was hurt.

“Can you move your arms and legs?” Tommy asked.

T.K. did some sarcastic jazz hands. “Happy? Can we go now?”

“Just take a second to catch your breath and then we’ll get you up and check you out,” Tommy said, eyeing him critically. “You might not be feeling it yet, but I think you’re going to in about five minutes.”

“And while we’re waiting, I’m going to go murder that punk teenager,” Nancy announced, getting to her feet.

“Nancy,” Tommy said, a tone of exasperated warning in her voice.

“Cap he needs to at least apologize!”

“Just let him go,” T.K. said. “He’s a kid. It’s not a big deal.”

“You can barely even sit up right now. How is that not a big deal?”

“Nancy, why don’t you go wait with Evan in the rig?” Tommy suggested.

Nancy grumbled but did as she was told. T.K. sucked in another shallow breath and tried to gauge his pain. His ribs and hip throbbed and his elbow stung, but if he was completely still it was manageable. He had a feeling moving was going to hurt like a bitch though.

“Talk to me T.K.,” Tommy said.

“I’m good,” he lied immediately. “Just knocked the wind out of me, the rest is bumps and bruises.”

“Are you sure?” Tommy asked.

T.K. nodded. “Help me up?”

She took his elbow and helped him to his feet. The world went a little grey as pain stabbed at him, making him feel like he’d lost his breath all over again.

“You all right?” Tommy asked.

T.K. nodded, gritting his teeth and forcing himself to push through it. “Yeah, I’ll be okay. Ego’s bruised, that’s all.”

She gave him a knowing smile. “I think it might be a little more than that. Come on. They can check you out at the ER when we drop Evan off.”

T.K. nodded and slowly moved toward the ambulance. God, he was really going to feel this in the morning. “I’ll drive,” Tommy said, when she saw the direction he was heading.

“I’m fine,” he told her.

She rolled her eyes at him. “Get in the passenger side T.K. Relax for a minute.”

By the time they arrived at the hospital he had things under control. It was just pain, probably bruised ribs. He could manage pain. He did it all the time. There was no reason to worry Tommy, Nancy, or anybody else at the station. He was a paramedic after all; he was perfectly capable of assessing his own medical needs.

“Hey, Trina, can you take a look at T.K. here?” Tommy caught the eye of a passing nurse after they finished dropping Evan off. “He took a little tumble at the skate park.”

“Cap, I’m good,” T.K. insisted.

“You’re bleeding,” Nancy said around a mouthful of lollipop that she’d snagged from the nurse’s stand.

T.K. twisted his elbow around to find that blood had dripped halfway down his arm. He hadn’t even noticed with all the other pain radiating through his body. “It’s not that bad.”

“If you’re good maybe they’ll give you a sticker,” Nancy teased, a sparkle in her eyes.

If they were at the firehouse T.K. would have given her the finger but instead he stuck his tongue out as Trina led him to a curtained off bed.

“I don’t need an exam,” T.K. told her. “Just throw me a bandaid and I’ll be good to go.”

“You’re already here,” Trina told him with as she reached for some antiseptic. “You may as well let me clean it out.”

T.K. rolled his eyes but let her flush out the relatively minor wound and cover it up with gauze and tape. “Anything else hurting?” she asked.

“I’m sore, but I’ll live,” T.K. told her, even as his ribs continued to burn like hell. It didn’t matter whether they were broken or not anyway, he told himself. The only thing that would heal them was time, and either way it wasn’t like he was going to take any narcotics.

Trina eyed him warily. “You’re sure? I don’t want Tommy coming for my head because I let one of her people go home hurt.”

T.K. flashed her a charming smile. “I promise. I’ll grab some ice at the firehouse and be good to go.”

“Okay, well, feel better,” she said as she started cleaning up.

“What’s the report?” Tommy asked when he reappeared.

“Everything’s intact,” T.K. said. He was pretty sure anyway. He wouldn’t be fully sure until he got back to the firehouse and took a look for himself, but really, he’d fallen over, not been pushed off a twelve story building. How much damage could one rowdy teenager really do?

“Are you sure?” Nancy asked, eyeing him critically. “You’re not twenty-one anymore dude, people your age don’t just bounce back from that kind of accident.”

“Nancy, you are two years older than me,” T.K. said, giving her a withering look.

“Mmmm true, which is why I had the wisdom not to let a punk ass kid at the skate park run my ass over,” she pointed out.

“All right children,” Tommy said with a smile. “If we’re all set here, let’s get back into service. Lot of lives out there that need saving.”

By the time they rolled back up the firehouse, T.K. was really looking forward to an icepack. His ribs throbbed in time with his heartbeat and all he wanted was to lie down and relax.

“Y’all were gone a while,” Paul said as they entered the kitchen.

“T.K. got creamed by a kid on a skateboard,” Nancy said immediately.

“Nance, seriously?” T.K. asked, reaching for a bag of frozen peas in the freezer.

She shrugged. “What? They were going to find out anyway. It’ll probably end up on Youtube.”

“A kid on a skateboard? Are you okay?” Marjan asked.

“Yes, I’m fine,” T.K. said. “Glad somebody cares,” he shot a pointed look at Nancy who pretended not to see.

“He flew like twelve feet,” she told the group.

“Earlier you said it was eight,” T.K. reminded her.

“Damn,” Mateo said. “That’ll probably go viral. You’re gonna have competition Marj.”

“Thank you all so much for your concern,” T.K. said, giving them a mock salute with the peas. “If anybody needs me I’ll be on the couch.”

He took a brief detour into the bathroom, checking to make sure it was empty before he locked the door for privacy. He set his jaw and untucked his shirt from his pants quickly undoing his uniform buttons and then pulling up the t-shirt underneath. He grimaced as he took in the bruising already trailing down his side. Biting his lip and steeling himself he slowly and painfully pressed his fingers against his rib cage, letting out a pained moan even as he forced himself to continue his examination.

By the time he was done his hands were shaking, but he hadn’t felt anything grating or moving, so it was likely this was just terrible bruising, not broken ribs. Not that it mattered either way, they still sent stabbing pains through him with every breath.

It was an incredible relief to finally collapse into the couch and press the cold vegetables against his torso, but it didn’t last long. Within half an hour they were back out, the entire 126 this time, to respond to a motor vehicle accident.

Things were going fine until they went to lift the gurney into the rig. “On three,” T.K. told Nancy. “One, two, three.”

T.K. lifted, but the gurney didn’t budge. Normally that would have been a minor annoyance. But today it was enough to almost send him to his knees as his ribs angrily protested the unexpected movement with a crescendo of pain. He made a half choked sound, just barely stopping himself from swearing or dropping the gurney completely.

“Whoa, hey!” their patient, Mr. Randall, protested, grabbing the sides as Nancy’s end went up, while T.K.’s stayed down.

“Sorry,” T.K. panted an apology, trying not to whimper or cry as pain continued to tear through him.

“You okay Strand?” Nancy asked lowering her end of the gurney so their victim wasn’t completely reclined.

“Yeah. Gurney’s stuck again.” T.K. ground his teeth together, sweat beading on his forehead as he inhaled slowly through his nose, trying not to breathe too deeply and cause himself further pain.

“I thought they fixed it after last shift,” Nancy said.

It had been sticky for the last few weeks and they’d finally gotten a tech out during B shift. “Apparently not,” he said.

“Here switch with me and I’ll try it,” Nancy told him. “It likes me better anyway. I have a delicate touch,” she told their victim with a wink.

“Can you just get me in?” Mr. Randall asked, holding a bloody piece of gauze to his forehead and clearly not amused by the situation at all.

“Not a problem,” Nancy said, switching spots with T.K. “On my count this time.”

Their second attempt went much more smoothly and they got Mr. Randall in without further issue. “Hey,” Nancy caught T.K.’s arm as he moved to head for the driver’s seat. “You sure you’re all right? You look really pale all of a sudden.”

“I’m good.

She did not look convinced. “You’re breathing weird and moving like you’re eighty.”

“Again with the age stuff?”

“T.K. I’m serious, are you okay? That was a hard hit this morning, if you need the rest of shift off, you know Cap’ll—“

“Nancy, I swear to you I’m fine,” he said, throwing on a well practiced, convincing smile. “Probably pulled something this morning, but I’ll live.”

She shook her head and climbed into the ambulance. “I told you Strand. You’re not a young man anymore.”

“Haha,” T.K. groused as he moved to the driver’s side.

“You want me to mix up your Metamucil when we get back to the firehouse?”

T.K. ignored her and slowly put on his seatbelt, grimacing as the tight band pressed against his ribcage. What had been tolerably painful before had now ratcheted up to the point that he thought he might actually throw up. He leaned his head against the seat back and exhaled slowly, trying to relieve some of the agonizing pressure in his chest.

The side door opened and Tommy hopped in. “Ready to roll?” she asked.

“You sure you want Grandpa to drive Cap?” Nancy called loudly. “He might not get us there very fast!”

“Two years Nancy!” T.K. snapped back as he started the engine.

By the time the shift ended his entire body ached and his ribs were screaming at him. Arriving home all he could think about was falling into bed and sleeping some of it off. Carlos wouldn’t be back until late and typically T.K. would have waited up, but tonight he only managed to eat a few bites of leftovers, shower, and then essentially crawl, pathetically and painfully, into bed.

He was woken two hours later by a soft kiss on his lips. “Hey,” Carlos said quietly, caressing his face. He was still in his uniform, the fabric brushing against T.K.’s arm as he leaned in closer.

“Hi,” T.K. mumbled, body still heavy with sleep.

“Hey,” Carlos whispered again, voice low in his ear, kisses trailing down his neck, nuzzling his nose against T.K.’s collarbone. “I missed you today.”

“I missed you too,” T.K. said, brain trying to remember why he’d been asleep and why everything ached so badly.

“How much?” Carlos asked, a sexy smile spreading across his face, and even in his hazy, pained state, T.K. wanted him. So when his mouth captured T.K.’s in a deep, needy kiss, T.K. kissed him right back.

Until Carlos’ hands slid under his t-shirt. T.K. pulled away with a ragged gasp, curling in on himself, a half strangled moan escaping his lips. Right. Ribs.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Carlos asked, hovering over him, frozen in concern, clearly horrified that he’d somehow broken his boyfriend.

“It’s fine,” T.K. managed. “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not,” Carlos said, reaching over and turning on the lamp. “Did I hurt you? I barely touched you.”

“Ah, there was a little accident at work today,” T.K. said, his voice strained.

“An accident?” Carlos cocked his head questioningly. “What kind of accident?”

“Some kid knocked me over at the skate park,” T.K. said, still trying to breathe normally, even as tears pricked at his eyes. “It’s no big deal.”

“If you’re in pain it’s a big deal,” Carlos told him. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did anyone look at you?”

“Carlos,” T.K. caught his face in both hands and forced a smile. “I’m telling you, it’s fine. I’m just sore. You don’t need to freak out.”

“I’m not freaking out,” Carlos said calmly. “I’m trying to decide if you’re downplaying this because you don’t like to be coddled when you’re hurt.”

“Oh that’s—“

“The exact truth and you know it. You got shot and a week later you were pulling people out of a burning bus. And after the head injury you tried to go back to work two days later and almost passed out in the bathroom,” Carlos reminded him. “Let me see.”

T.K. let go of Carlos’ face and dropped his hands to the bed with an overdramatic thump. “For the record this is very not sexy,” he said as Carlos reached for the hem of his t-shirt.

Carlos paused and fixed him with a look. “What’s not sexy is you being hurt and not saying anything.”

“Well it’s not like you really gave me a chance, just barging in here and having your way with me.”

“Texting exists for a reason. You could have told me hours ago and I wouldn’t have come in here like that.” Carlos said. He pulled T.K.’s t-shirt gently up over his ribs, eyes widening. “Oh my god.”

Purple bruising covered his entire side, extending down his hip below the line of his boxers. T.K. raised his head a bit and squinted at his torso. “It’s just some bruised ribs.”

“T.K. there is no way these are just bruised,” Carlos said, face gravely concerned.

“Hey, who’s the paramedic here?”

“I have had bruised ribs, this looks…really bad. Nobody looked at this?”

“I examined myself.”

“God, T.K.” Carlos sat back with a sigh. “Sometimes I swear…”

He slipped off the bed and walked toward the door. “Where are you going?” T.K. asked.

“To get you ice.”

“I don’t need—“

“Uh uh, don’t even talk to me right now. You’re lucky all I’m doing is getting you ice and not dragging you to the emergency room.”

“Okay, but then we’ll finish what you started?” T.K. asked hopefully

Carlos turned around and glared at him. “Are you out of your mind? You really think you can have sex like this? Absolutely not T.K., I’m sleeping on the couch so I don’t accidentally hurt you in the night.”

“What? No, Carlos come on!” T.K. tried to sit up, but pain shot through him at the sudden movement and he let out a grunt, a hand going instinctively to his side.

“Stop moving before you puncture a lung or something,” Carlos ordered in exasperation, but instead of leaving he returned to the bed, worry all over his face. “Hey look at me, I need you to be honest, do we need to go to the hospital?”

T.K. shook his head. “It’s not that bad.”

“You sound like you can’t breathe.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because it hurts, not because I’m incapable,” T.K. huffed. “This not life threatening, I promise.”

“T.K. why didn’t you say anything earlier?” Carlos asked. “You were in a firehouse full of people perfectly capable of helping you.”

T.K. would have squirmed under the intensity of his gaze if he’d been able to move without agony. “I didn’t think it was that bad. And I didn’t want anyone to worry.”

Carlos shook his head, but let the matter drop; although T.K. had a feeling they would be finishing this conversation at a later date. “What do you need? Did you take anything?” he asked.

T.K. shook his head. “Just some ice.”

Carlos hesitated. “I think you should take some Advil.”

T.K. shook his head automatically. “You know I—“

“I know you don’t like to. And I get it. But you look like a mess and Advil will help with the swelling. You’ve done it before and been all right. And I know,” Carlos said quickly, “that that doesn’t guarantee anything. I’m not going to force you. But you don’t deserve to be in pain like this. And we need to do something to help that inflammation.”

He was right, and T.K. knew it, he just didn’t like it. He’d taken OTC pain meds plenty of times with no issues, but that didn’t stop the whispers of anxiety that told him any pills at all were a very slippery slope downward to a life he no longer wanted.

Carlos kissed his forehead. “Think about it while I’m downstairs.”

His boyfriend returned quickly, ice in hand along with a bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water. T.K. winced and closed his eyes as Carlos gently pressed the ice to his ribs. “Okay?” Carlos asked.

T.K. nodded.

“Did you think about the Advil?”

“I don’t want it,” he said stubbornly. He’d made it through a significant head injury without, some ribs were definitely not worth the minor risk.

Carlos reached for his hand. “Do you trust me?”

T.K. opened his eyes and frowned. “Yes, of course I trust you.”

“Do you trust that if I’m asking you to do this, it’s because I think it’s the best choice? That I think it’s medically necessary and appropriate?”

“I trust you,” he said honestly. “I just don’t know if I can trust me.”

Because that was the crux of it. Carlos was too good of a human to leave him if he should relapse, and T.K. was bad enough to ask him to stay. He was clean now and had no plans of changing that, but he’d seen others backslide faster than he could have imagined, people far stronger than him. And he was scared that if he did, he wouldn’t be strong enough to walk away from Carlos and save them both the heartache. Moments like this thrust the razor’s edge he walked into sharper clarity than he liked. And that was a big part of why he preferred to deal with his pain on his own. Because then the only person he could hurt was himself.

Carlos cupped his face in his free hand. “Well I trust you. And I won’t push you.” His eyes grew firm. “But I can’t sit here all night worrying about you. So if you don’t want them, then we’re going to the hospital.”

Wow, things really weren’t going his way tonight. “I don’t need a hospital!”

“I know you don’t think you do. But those are the options that I can live with. Ibuprofen or hospital.”

T.K. huffed in annoyance. “I’ll take them if you stay with me tonight.”

Carlos raised his eyebrows. “You’re resorting to extortion?”

“That’s what you’re doing!”

“No,” Carlos shook his head. “I’m intervening in a serious health matter. You can’t be trusted with your own safety. It’s totally different.”

“It doesn’t feel different,” T.K. grumbled, cranky from the pain and anxiety bubbling in his stomach.

Carlos held up the bottle. “If you’re going to take these I want it to be because you feel okay doing it. You don’t need to bribe me. That may have been how your relationships worked before, but not us. I’ll stay because you asked.” He ran a thumb over T.K.’s cheek. “I’ll do anything you ask.”

He’d carried so much of his pain on his own for so much of his life, he’d forgotten what it was like to share it with someone else. Actually, he wasn’t sure he’d ever really shared it with anyone else. His dad was too fragile despite his firefighter bravado, his mom too busy, and previous boyfriends had never been…well they had never been like Carlos.

He knew he could trust his mental and physical safety to Carlos. His boyfriend had proven time and time again that he was a good person, a person who loved him and only wanted the best for him. Trusting Carlos was easy. It was feeling worthy of Carlos’ trust in him that was the problem.

“Talk to me T.K.,” Carlos said softly.

“I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt you,” T.K. said. “And I know that these pills are not a big deal. I took stronger stuff when I was shot and came out of it all right. My therapist and I have talked about it a lot. It’s just…they’re a reminder of what I could lose if I—if I mess up.”

“You are not going to lose me,” Carlos told him. “You won’t.”

“Carlos you don’t know what it’s like—”

“My love for you is not contingent on whether or not you stay clean,” Carlos said firmly. “My love for you just…is. It’s there. You have it. Forever.”

Tears pricked at T.K.’s eyes. “God you are…such a hopeless romantic.”

Carlos smiled. “You knew that already.”

T.K. bit his lip. “I didn’t mean to make this into such a big deal.”

“It’s okay,” Carlos said, cracking a smile. “I know you’re a little bit of a drama queen.”

T.K. shot him a look. “I am not.”

Carlos wrinkled his nose and held up his thumb and first finger about half an inch apart from each other.

“Fine,” T.K. sighed. “A little bit.” He hesitated for a second and then took the pill bottle from Carlos, shaking two into his palm. “I really don’t want to go to the hospital. And I really don’t want you to sleep on the couch.”

Carlos shifted in the bed so he was lying next to T.K., propping himself up on his elbow. “Then I’ll stay.”

It helped to have Carlos sitting beside him, telling him about a call they’d gone on so that he barely even noticed when he swallowed the pills. He fell asleep to the soothing sound of Carlos’ voice, his fingers stroking gently through T.K.’s hair.

If he’d hoped to feel better in the morning he was sorely disappointed. He could barely get out of bed without help, let alone take a shower, or get dressed by himself. With a little bit of sweet talk Carlos managed to get him a doctor’s appointment before noon, despite T.K.’s continued insistence that it wasn’t necessary. “It doesn’t matter,” T.K. was still protesting as they pulled into the parking lot. “Either way, the treatment will be the same.”

“It absolutely does matter because if they’re bruised you can go back to work and if they’re broken I’m not letting you out of the house again for the rest of your life,” Carlos told him.

It turned out x-rays were much more revealing than a self exam in the firehouse bathroom. He had two hairline fractures, one in his sixth and one in his seventh rib. Not life threatening, but enough to cause a crapload of pain. He was sent home with a prescription for the strongest, non-narcotic pain reliever they could prescribe and a cautionary tale about deep breaths and pneumonia.

“You can’t be mad at me, this wasn’t my fault!” T.K. said as he sank blissfully into the couch on their arrival home. Being poked and prodded had aggravated his injuries and he was so sore that all he wanted was to lie on the couch in complete stillness.

“I’m not mad, just concerned,” Carlos said calmly as he retrieved several ice packs from the freezer.

“Well your mad face and your concerned face look really similar. It’s confusing.”

Carlos handed him the ice packs and then bent over to kiss his forehead. “I’m not mad. I promise. I just wish you’d be a little more concerned about your own health and safety.”

“Again, not my fault. I did not ask a Zoomer to run me over. What are you doing?” he asked as Carlos reached for his phone.

“Texting your dad to ask him about natural methods of pain relief because I know you’re not going to let me fill that prescription.”

T.K. shifted on the couch. “You’re telling on me to my dad?”

“He’s going to find out anyway because you’re on light duty for the foreseeable future. Besides, Nancy already knows.”

“What? How?”

“She started texting me this morning to make sure you were okay. She said, ‘He said he was all right but I’m pretty sure he was lying his ass off so make sure he’s not bleeding out or something.’ I told her I was taking you to get checked out.”

T.K. let his head fall back against the couch. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“She also said that she’s giving you a full exam the next time you get so much as a paper cut. And something about taking your sticker back for lying?” Carlos looked puzzled. “I don’t know what that part means.”

“It’s just Nancy being Nancy,” T.K. said with a roll of his eyes.

Carlos seemed to sense T.K.’s unhappiness. “Nancy and Tommy will be fine without you for a few days. And it’s not like you can’t go to work at all. I’m sure Tommy has plenty of paperwork for you to catch up on.”

“I hate paperwork,” T.K. grumbled.

“There’s an easy solution to that,” Carlos said, settling next to him on the couch, careful not to jostle his aching body. He pressed a kiss to T.K.’s temple. “Stop getting hurt.”

#911 Lone Star #Tarlos #Carlos Reyes #T.K. Strand #Nancy Gillian #Tommy Vega #Broken Ribs #Whump #Emotional Hurt/Comfort #Hurt/Comfort #911 LS #Tarlos Fanfic #Bad Things Happen Bingo

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pynkhues · 5 years ago

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I really hate Dean's high and mighty speech toward Gayle (I mean she def squicks me out but god why is this a DEAN storyline, he's seemingly not learning anything about his own previous behavior, and the plot just keeps rewarding him???like yay have a "go me" moment standing up to your boss) as if he didnt sleep with his secretary and grant her benefits b/c of their relationship. Also why is the show pretending he's a good salesman? We had 2 seasons telling us he wasn't.

Oof, yeah, anon, I have a lot of capital-T Thoughts on that scene with Dean and Gayle that I’m still processing to be honest. I didn’t like it though, and unless all of this culminates in Dean and Gayle just like - - taking each other out, both personally and professionally, I don’t see myself ever being particularly on board with that storyline unfortunately.

This’ll be a very controversial statement, I’m sure, haha, but I do kind of contest that Dean isn’t a good salesman? I think what s1 and s2 showed us was that where Dean failed was as a businessman, not as a salesman. With the right product (and the right customer), he could move it - we saw that in a few episodes across s1, but particularly with Dean at the other dealership in 2.12. Dean can sell budget cars, because he’s a budget sort of guy, and he sells cars best when somebody else is telling him exactly which car he’s selling and who he’s selling it to (hell, he can even jack up the price, like he did in that episode).

The issue with the corvette in s2 for instance wasn’t necessarilly with Dean as a salesman - after all, Rio told us explicitly - nobody would buy that car - the issue was with Dean as a businessman. In other words, Dean made a terrible business decision by choosing to stock it in the first place, made another bad one by refusing to ditch it when the business hit it’s eight-billionth rough patch, and by refusing to listen to advice that contradicted his own ideas.

Even beyond the ‘vette, Dean’s issues and incompetencies are mostly as a businessman, not as a salesman. He used his power to exploit his female employees, he spent money on enormous, blow-up gorillas and embarrassing ads, and he chose to stock inventory that didn’t match his client base (in that - not only the corvette, but the minivans, which are designed for people like his wife, who, errrrr, Dean’s more than a little out of touch with to say the least, and doesn’t respect enough to court as a business demographic).

Give Dean a product, targets, but a lack of bottomline accountability, I actually think he’d probably be a pretty good salesman. He’s affable, can certainly relate on the fly to other men, researches the product he’s selling (just look at all the research he’s done on the hot tubs this season!) and was, at some point, as Judith told us ‘considered management material’.

He’s just - - not management material though, so I guess the product Dean’s best at selling is Dean which - - honestly, kind of checks out.

But hey, that product’s a faulty one, because Dean doesn’t understand business, and he’s too self-centred to serve anything that isn’t himself. Which is probably in no small part because he was privileged enough to have his father’s business given to him, and that he’s worn that entitlement like a bedazzled cape for three seasons now.

Which is why I think that conversation with Gayle has me pausing.

I guess I’m going to have to completely contradict myself in this post, because I think I have processed some of my thoughts on all of this, haha.

In this episode, Dean’s issue, as established from the first conversation with Eric is that Gayle’s just helped Jeff get promoted to regional manager in Vegas - a position actually later seemingly affirmed to be above Gayle’s role at their store.

Which - - makes sense to me, actually, for reasons I’ll come to shortly, but Dean’s argument with her later in the episode very quickly veers from understandable frustration over Gayle not letting him actually do his job and sell hot tubs, to quickly aligning himself as deserving of Jeff’s promotion. He says it in the fight with Gayle - he’ll become regional management and give Eric her job (despite the fact that Eric is infinitely more entitled to the regional position than Dean), and then reiterates it at the tail end of the episode by saying to Beth they should move to Vegas, further projecting himself onto Jeff’s advancement, instead of focusing on his own.

Dean is rapidly lost again into his own ego - a creative choice I think is entirely valid and actually really interesting and in-character! - except that’s not how it’s framed tonally - which is where the bulk of the issue is. Like you said pretty perfectly - it’s framed as a ‘go me, standing up to the boss’ moment, when it’s actually Dean once again rejecting opportunity for growth, regressing into his own sense of entitlement, and delusions of grandeur. If the show wanted us to root for Dean, the stakes should’ve been about him getting out from under Gayle’s thumb to be able to do the job he was hired for, and making that indicative of his humbling and his genuine desire to start again professionally - not project instant advancement in a way that ‘put Gayle in her place’.

And look. I actually do think the show is trying to say something about how the patriarchy / fact that we live in a society that inherently undervalues and mistrusts women means that it’s easier for someone like Dean - a straight, white, middle-class family man - to push back on these sorts of exploitations, particularly against someone like Gayle, who’s using her middle management position to engage as a predator and abuse her power. She both gains power because people don’t typically see women as predators, while some absolutely are, while also trapping herself in this lie of ‘progress’. She’s an award-winning salesperson, and she can get the men she exploits beneath her promoted, but not rise the ranks herself.

It’s a compelling storyline, and I love Good Girls! As you all know, haha, but I ….don’t think it’s a storyline they’re doing justice unfortunately.

#dean boland #gayle #dean x gayle #gg 3.07 #gg spoilers #welcome to my ama #Anonymous

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werewolfwilds · 7 years ago

Text

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope // nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

#useless shouting #journal crap #sorry for so many personal posts lately ive been having fun with them lmfao

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rachelannc · 5 years ago

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“Woke up this morning with the weirdest case of the butterflies,” I wrote that Tuesday morning on my phone.

Just the day before, I got a call from a band my 13-year-old self had always loved.

“It’s almost surreal to think I will be embarking on just a short run of a California West Coast tour with a band I’ve always loved,” I wrote. “I’ll get to see what it’s really like to be traveling on a cramped van. I will room in the weirdest hotels and smell the funkiest bars and sweat. Oh, the romanticism of it all gets to me… but the #LolaRachel in me is just dreading the thought of it all.”

I continued, “But hasn’t the road always called to me? I guess I’ll find out.”

With a sigh and a bit of nerves, I wrote, “S**t. What have I done? 😂”

You get what you ask for, I guess.

I had just gotten back from a spontaneous weekend’s getaway to Las Vegas with a friend and caught a slight cold waking up in that hotel room Sunday morning.

“Watch, you’re the reason you get the band sick,” my brother joked to me.

“OH MY GOD. THAT WOULD BE MY WORST NIGHTMARE!” I anxiously replied.

Meg & Dia just kicked off their two-week HappySad reunion tour — their first tour as a band together in eight years — with an all-new album and leg of shows that would take them throughout the West Coast and a few dates on the East ’til the end of September.

The forever-lingering fan girl in me was so stoked (but nervous as hell I’d be sharing rooms and traveling with them on the road, being intimate as ever — just me, Meg, Dia, Carlo and new drummer Grant spending hours on end together). The 13-year-old in me was still freaking out and dreaming up all these different scenarios in my head.

The night before I was messaging the band, “Any travel tips or things to be wary of to pack?” They told me to pack lightly, bring some water, some comfy clothes for the long drives and a water bottle to stay hydrated.

That Wednesday morning I got the call from Carlo. He picked me up on our way to Dia’s house to meet the girls and head on over to their San Diego show later that night at SOMA. Check-in and load-in would be around 4pm, so we spent the afternoon driving, picking up some merch, grabbing some In-N-Out and Starbucks wearing funky paper hats, as Dia helped me prep the merch table.

As we unpacked the boxes and hung stuff up onto the metal cage, Dia, in a moment of “band safety” (or “sisterly advice”) told me to look out for anyone who may be “creepy” or dangerous, and to feel free to call on anyone who’s numbers I have. It was a bit of a sisterly-talk, which was actually very nice and comforting, especially myself being a young twenty-something female who has had her fair share of “creeps” come up to me!

The whole day through, my little sick-self who didn’t want to sabotage this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity tried to hold back my voice and coughs in the car, which also stifled any chance of me trying to talk (ha 😂). I kept my mouth shut and coughs back, drank my water and silently hung up the merch. I grabbed a beer from the green room upstairs, walked around the parking lot, wandered around the green rooms as I saw Dia doing her stretches and vocal warmups as Carlo and Grant roamed around and Meg took a walk to Target (to which she thought up her story to introduce “Nineteen Stars”).

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” I said as I circled the same room five times.

Meg replied, “Welcome to tour!”

Settling into San Diego

San Diego’s run of tour was the band’s first date of their California shows. They had one day off prior to kicking off tour over the weekend, to which Meg joked, “I didn’t even know what to do with myself!” Dia mentioned how nice it felt to just lounge, eat, read a book and sleep in her own bed.

My favorite part of doing merch? Having friends and familiar faces come up during the shows and say hello, and even one random fan saying, “I follow you and your guitar stuff on Instagram!” What a surprise.

To be honest, I low-key had a hunch that people from online were going to approach me at the merch table. But to prepare myself, I told myself, “This is about Meg & Dia. Not me! I’m only here to help them out and I’m not going to make this about me. But if people come up, that’s cool!”

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One of my favorite things about this tour? Seeing old friends and familiar faces come up to the shows who love @meganddiamusic too! 🐨 #meganddia #happysadtour #somasandiego #sandiego #throwback #dayone #merchgirl #throwback #towednesdaynight

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Sep 22, 2019 at 2:07am PDT

As I’ve been anticipating their tour since the summer, I was kind of in a weird, out-of-body headspace and disbelief of where I was, what was happening… I was just going with the motions. So when I rolled up to their soundcheck, I remember having a moment where I was like, “Wait a second. This is their first new set of songs in over eight years. I can’t wait to hear how they sound live!”

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San Diego was definitely a more intimate night, with fans listening intently and giving the band their respect and dues. Dia even had a moment where she cried during “Dear Heart,” to which Meg stopped and adoringly gave Dia a hug. Since I was with them the entire day, I was like, “Awww…” But also, I knew how completely normal this was for Dia to get emotional while singing (I guess that just goes to show how much I’ve followed them over the years, lol).

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Curfew for that night was 11pm which gave us enough time to pack up at the end of the night, settle the merch and drive back to sleep in our own beds in Los Angeles. It was hitting 1am and I remember sleepily hearing Underoath and Sleeping With Sirens playing in the van as Dia “the speed demon” drove the van back to LA by 2am in no time.

Los Angeles and the Troubadour

“We here Rachael!” Meg texted me just before 2pm to alert that they had arrived and picked me up on the way to load-in at the Troubadour for the show that night.

I technically didn’t need to arrive to the venue until 6pm to set-up merch, but I figured, I don’t even have my car (my stuff got stolen just a week prior), and I don’t get to tour everyday, so might as well come early and spend the day hanging around to get the “full experience.”

I have to say, one of the most admirable and eye-opening things I’ve seen on this tour was seeing how the girls operate. Since my sick-self was trying to heal ASAP, I opted to stay quiet and just absorb and learn as much as I could just from witnessing and observing the process of tour throughout…

As Dia, Meg, Carlo, Grant and I loaded into the back of the Troubadour, we unpacked all the gear to set up on the stage. Soundcheck was at 4pm and as the band prepped their gear, I mozied my way on over to unpack the merch boxes and start setting up some merch (to which we basically all sold-out the night before and I had to wait on 6-8 boxes of merch to arrive at the venue later that night). I wandered around, took some photos and watched the band soundcheck.

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Listening to their soundcheck and getting that rare look into how they rehearse and prepare, I feel like I was able to hear much more than their live performance set. A fuller sound and an intimate, rare look where they’re conversing with each their and the sound guy to get things sounding good… And just to hear these songs every night and see how their vibes, moods and energies change?! Wow, what an opportunity.

Since we had so much time to kill before the show, we decided to walk around and grab some food. We grubbed at Guisado’s (was my first real meal with the band)! We walked past Salt & Straw, to which we all gushed how good it was and I couldn’t help but grab myself a scoop (even if I might be lactose lol). Dia was particularly quiet/er at the meal, to which I felt she was — ha, getting so “deep in my own head” (cue “Koala”).

This chill moment and time may have been one of my favorite parts and moments shared with the band, just because I was getting into the hang of and settling into tour and doing merch, and also loosening up a little around them (ha)!

That night was a big night, though. All of their music friends, industry friends and Dia’s actor friends were swinging by. Was a big night for new daddy Mike Kaminsky, who pretty much first opened myself up to getting to know the band better in my college days. Khalif helped lug some boxes in for us and unpack the last-minute merch that arrived for us. That merch corner became a bit chaotic and we threw the merch out like flies!

It’s nice to share conversations with fans who have grown up listening to them, eager to buy merch and support a little band who has been through it and getting back on it. A memorable conversation came from Dia’s personal acting friend who raves about just how talented Dia is and she doesn’t even know it (maybe sounds familiar?) — how she gets down on herself so much but we all know how incredibly talented she is, and how much of a storyteller she is when she carries through song. (Oof! Was such a sweet moment I decided to record a mini video message from him to send to Dia, to which the audio unfortunately cut out, but appreciated anyway.)

Joya and I were starting to get into a good system of organization. I placed my geeky “:) or :(?” tip jar on the table to which people actually generously wanted to support.

A friend came by to the merch table and visited me after every set, saying, “I don’t really know these bands and only came because you posted about it, but they’re pretty cool.” He charmingly/awkwardly said hi and even told Meg and Dia themselves he came out just because of me. (Dia joked to me the next morning, “I think he was only awkward because of you, ’cause I was talking to him outside and he seemed chill…”) to which Joya joked as well. Huh, I don’t know what it is I do, I promise!

I enjoyed their set from above. Dante Basco bought me a drink as I fangirled to “Cardigan Weather” with AJ Rafael. As that night ended and I sweatily packed all of the merch and boxes back into the van, my roommate came as I gave her an extra ticket a fan had “gifted to me” (lol), I said bye to the band as we munched on their special Donut Friend “Nutmeg & Chia” donuts someone bought for us, and I hitched a ride.

“7 hour drive to San Fran venue tmrw! Load in at 4! We will leave at 8 am tmrw!” Dia texted the group, to which I replied with a “!!” because it was well past 1am and I had way too much adrenaline from the show and knew I was not sleeping. Ha! I could not wait to head up to San Francisco to see all my family and friends as I’ve been anticipating that show for a while. I slept at 4am that morning, packed my luggage for the weekend and got up just in time for the band to pick me up at 8am and deliver the van some salmon lox bagels for breakfast. Yum!

The slow drawls and hometown reunion in San Francisco

That drive. That slow morning. My lack of sleep and tired self still holding back my coughs. Was I even awake? Were we all even awake? What am I doing here? Wait, I’m seeing my family tonight? Shoot, I can’t believe they’re all coming!

“Do you have any more people you want to add to the list?” Dia asked.

I gave her a few more names of my friends (definitely all high school) who wanted to come out.

“Wow, I’m so tired and I’m so excited my family and friends are coming out, but I physically can’t show my excitement!” I frustratingly said in my head, as my mind was running a million different directions that day.

This was probably the day I got the most in my own head (to which Meg comfortingly added on the road, “I get like that sometimes too and sometimes I need to remind myself — I hold my body and just breathe for 30 minutes to get back in touch with myself”).

As the night approached, my mom walked over from work in the city to visit me at the venue, and I showed her the merch table, the venue, my clothes and luggage… ha! I introduced her to Carlo and Dia as they did their soundcheck. Showtime wasn’t going to be until 11pm that night (wowzers!) as we all tried to stay awake until then. (Friday nights in SF with a live DJ to follow afterward. “Are we dancing tonight?!” we joked.) Joya and I proceeded to walk around, as I wanted to get some “fresh air” outside of the venue and just “walk and talk it out,” as we both had some nerves that day (haha). I went outside to visit my brother and other Meg & Dia boardies who were anticipating the show and asking, “Wow how’s merch life Rachel?!” Nick even joked to me, “Y’all are a heavy crew,” saying anyone would be intimidated to approach, Meg, Dia, Joya and me at the table. 😂 (“But I’m the nicest person!” I explained.)

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What a night. As Meg and Dia did their meet-and-greets with fans after the show, signing merch and sharing conversations, they waited until every last fan. It was soon to be 1:30am and we had to get OUT! I proceeded to help pack up the merch into the van, as Meg and Dia themselves helped in the process.

I have to say… It was absolutely admirable to see them sucking it up, picking up the boxes and racking them on top of each other with no complaints or hesitancy. As pros who have been doing this since they were teens, it was absolutely humbling to see them just get up and do the dirty work. Dia talking and checking in with venue managers, as managers would go, “You guys don’t have a manager?” Meg would go and settle merch at the end of the night. They upkept inventory and as we got into the van to drive to the hotel that night, Dia drove the big a** van 30 minutes to the hotel on probably pure tour/performance exhaustion, and miraculously fit into the tiniest of parking spaces, as we checked into the hotel at 3am and all lacking sleep as we just drove up and played LA the night before and somehow managed to make it here… Meg, Dia, Joya and I shared the room and we took our showers and slept like babies.

“Let’s request a late check-out,” Dia said, as we all slept soundly. “That’s the latest Meg ever slept in!” as the early bird she was.

Strolling basketball games and man-hunting with the Framptons

Carlo had flown out that night/morning at 4am to make it to baby Leon’s birthday (absolutely the most adorable kid, I have to say!). It was then just the five of us that day, while Meg and Dia would play a short acoustic set. We had a nice weekend’s day on the road to just enjoy the summer sun and “chill.”

We went back to the amazing Souvla, one of my favorite restaurants in Hayes Valley. Wandered around and window-shopped. I bought an egg-crown-children’s-book plush stuffed toy thingy with the saying, “What would you do with an idea?” Dia bought a watermelon plush as well (lol). I’m not sure why, but my buying that whimsical crown egg was probably the one thing that made me smile the most on tour! It felt like a truly normal moment for me and just made me so happy (I forever have a little tour souvenir with a message that is so dear to my heart).

We arrived to the ISA TV charity basketball game mid-afternoon, as the entire Asian-American community in LA seemed to be there too.

“4000+ people?!” I said in amazement, as the girls were to play a halftime show in front of all these fans.

We set up merch, had some food, checked into our rooms and hung out. Dia tried to manhunt for Meg, as Khalif pointed out to Dia that someone was asking, “Who’s the girl in the yoga pants?” referring to me. Ha! We all shared glances and little, “Hmm..” judging if these were our “types.” 😂 (Ha, I have to say. It’s so refreshing to just have girl talk and feel like I have sisters on the road! As I’ve always been surrounded by boys and my brothers, I love having this kind of silly sister talk where I can openly talk about these boy situations, ha!)

These girls are incredibly responsible on tour, and for good reason. Meg shared some horror tour stories in the past while on the road — how Leslie got stranded at a gas station when they were on their way to a hotel at 2am in the morning — and I’m sure they’ve already had their days and wild nights on tour. As they’re back as a band together on the road after eight years, it’s kind of cool to get an insider look from these “sisters I never had,” seeing how calm the road can be, how incredibly “normal” yet abnormal tour life can be, despite all other assumptions about tour life. (I’m glad I had a completely comfortable time on tour, and wasn’t as uncomfortable as I had initially expected!)

In hindsight

It was a few days that had gone by so fast. And as the band headed straight to an airport when we arrived back in LA, I bid them adieu. And, I kind of missed it already…

It felt so good to be back home, to rest and properly heal up… but, with them on the road felt like a nice break and I could see how this could be life. (Definitely not something to do every day for your life, because at some point you could lose touch of reality and home, ha!) but… throughout it all, it was a lovely experience and time. And what a crazy way to cap off my journey with this little small-town band, from a girl at 13 who saw two girls who look like me playing rock music on the MySpace front page, to eventually growing an uncanny relation to them… I owe a lot to them for finding my voice, my self, my writing and my music throughout my adolescence since 13… and 13 years later, to be joining them on the road just to help. What an honor.

Some “after tour” stories may be entertaining, but I’ll save that for another time… But, when you post an at-home selfie with an actively writing caption, and forget you’re now Facebook friends with someone you’ve listened to for so long, and they see and “like” that said photo… That’s almost a little embarrassing! But it’s also a little comforting at the same time…

“I see you,” it says.

What a concept I thought would’ve never been true.

Follow Meg & Dia on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Spotify.

And view their videos from San Diego (here), Los Angeles (here) and San Francisco (here). (Did you get that? Ha!)

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#tourdiaries pt. 2 A couple photos I took on the road with @meganddiamusic during their West Coast California #happysadtour reunion this past week. What an honor it has been to join them day in and day out on tour! I learned so much and have come to admire and respect the work the Framptons put into pulling a tour together all on their own — from driving a van all themselves, dealing with venue managers all themselves, getting the band together on time, all themselves, and cruise control — ha! Seeing how seasoned pros do it with such a humility has been so lovely. It was a lot to absorb for little ole me tagging along a band who has amounted to so much for me. But that was fun. Thank you @diaframpton @megframpton @thecza @omfgrant @joyacamaisa for the hospitality! Til next time. #meganddia #happysad #tbt #throwback #aboutlastweek #westcoast #california #californiatour #travel #traveldiaries #photography #livemusic #concert #rachelannc

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on Sep 26, 2019 at 2:34pm PDT

My Life as a Roadie with Meg & Dia on the California ‘Happysad’ Tour "Woke up this morning with the weirdest case of the butterflies," I wrote that Tuesday morning on my phone.

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kbaldwin0609 · 8 years ago

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‘The Bachelorette’ Season Premiere Recap: Rachel Gets Her Groove On

Dean and Rachel (Photo: ABC)

Warning: This recap of of the Season 13 premiere of The Bachelorette contains spoilers.

Happy lucky number 13, rose lovers! Full confession: I’ve already decided that our new Bachelorette — the “sassy yet classy” Rachel Lindsay — is too good for any of the bozos this franchise could ever find and this is all, once again, an exercise in emotional futility… but if this franchise has taught me anything, it’s that life is about the “journey.” So let’s kick ours off, shall we?

Yes, I object to the lengthy, episode-padding “refresher” about Rachel’s doomed courtship with Nick on The Bachelor, and honestly if I never see the clip Dean saying “I’m ready to go black and I’m never going back” again, it’ll be to soon. But the preamble was all worth it for this moment alone:

Photos: ABC

Nosy old ladies FTW! Anyhow, let’s meet (a handful of) the guys:

Kenny, 35: Perhaps it’s just because he’s a professional wrestler (aka “Pretty Boy Pitbull” Kenny King), but Kenny’s declaration that he’s “coming to The Bachelorette to win your heart” sounds a little bit more like a threat than it should. But of course in real life, he’s a softie. Just look at how sweet he is with his 10-year-old daughter:

Fine, we’ll allow it.

Jack, 31: This lawyer from Dallas lost his mom to cancer in high school, so his intro package consists almost entirely of him staring pensively off into the distance.

Alex, 28: A meathead who can read! Revolutionary.

Does this Detroit-based “Information Systems Supervisor” still live with his parents? Unclear. But we are down with mom’s advice: NO KISSING ON THE MOUTH. It worked for Pretty Woman, pal, so it could work for you.

Mohit, 26: All you need to know about this guy is he likes to participate in Bollywood dance competitions (along with his regular job of launching some kind of startup).

Lucas, 30: Meet this season’s Designated Idiot. Not sure whether Lucas has a job or any family members who still talk to him, but we do know that he has a catchphrase — “Whaaaboooom!” —and he’s committed enough to get that catchphrase printed on a t-shirt.

Blake E., 31: Though he identifies himself as a “personal trainer and sports nutritionist,” Team Bachelorette prefers to call him an “aspiring drummer” on screen, because that sounds so much more pathetic. Not that Blake needs any help sounding foolish, as he says things like “I would say scientifically, my libido is above average” and “Many women have told me about the amazingness of my penis.” And how does Blake repay his penis for earning him all that praise? By forcing it to squeeze into these nut-hugging jeans.

Rude.

Diggy, 31: This dude from Chicago (real name, Kenneth) has 575 pairs of sneakers. So, yeah. Next?

Josiah, 28: Do you enjoy sobbing uncontrollably? Then this terrible backstory is for you. When Josiah was 7, his older brother hung himself in the backyard after being bullied — and Josiah was the one who cut him down from the tree. Traumatized, Josiah turned “to the streets” for a mentor and got arrested for burglary when he was 12. Fortunately, a Wise Judge pulled the boy aside and told him, “You’re not a thug.” Now Josiah is a lawyer who represents his community and puts bad guys in jail! Plus, he looks great in a tank top.

When Rachel arrives at Casa Bachelorette for the first time, she’s greeted there by “the people that know me the best”: The cast of Bachelor in Paradise Season 4!

Joining Jasmine, Dolphin Shark and Platinum Vagine are Raven the Runner-Up, Kristina, and two women I couldn’t identify until I consulted a cheat-sheet: Astrid and Whitney. Anyhow, the “ladies” give Rachel a pep talk about going with following her heart, etc. Then Whitney (or is it Astrid?) tells Rachel that her best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with a girl who says “the second guy” from After the Final Rose isn’t there for the right reasons. (FYI: Said guy is Blake E., of the much-praised penis.)

In all seriousness, though, all of these women really do seem to like and respect Rachel, which is, frankly, a miracle given how women usually respond to each other on this show. “One reason why you connected with all of us, even though we’re all so different, is because pulled the best out of us,” Raven says, tearing up. “I hope someone goes hard for you.” That sounds kinda weird, but still, it’s sweet.

At last, it’s time. Harrison greets our queen at Casa Bachelorette with a warm hug, before sending in the limos. Let the Robot Roll Call Begin!

Peter, 30: It’s a solid opening effort for this “business owner” from Wisconsin: He makes a little joke about being from Nick’s home state and then heads inside before he says something stupid. Watch and learn, fellas.

Josiah emerges next, looking sharp in a silver-and-black ensemble — and he makes the first of what’s sure to be many legal jokes of the evening: “I am convinced that by the end of our experience together, you will have no reasonable doubt that I’m the man for you.”

Bryan, 37: Chris Harrison told Yahoo TV that Bryan is a “Latin-lover type,” and the chiropractor from Miami lives up to that description with his suave, Spanish-language intro.

Kenny the professional wrestler wisely does not lead with a gimmick related to his day job, and instead breaks the ice with an arm wave.

It makes Rachel laugh, so mission accomplished.

Rob, 29: Pretty sure this guy is here solely to help ABC plug their Bachelorette Fantasy League.

Iggy, 30: Quick, genuine-seeming “I’m so happy to be here” intro. Too bad this Consulting Firm CEO didn’t tell the story featured in his ABC bio about the time he got a boner in a board meeting.

Bryce, 30: A beefy firefighter, he shows up in uniform and sweeps Rachel up in his arms, because… he’s a firefighter, so it’s okay? Anyhow, she doesn’t seem to mind.

Will, 28: I’m 100 percent on board with this guy’s Urkel-inspired introduction. It was silly, funny, and best of all, quick.

That said, it would have worked even better if he stayed in his Urkel costume all night. If Alexis can get a rose in a shark costume, pal, you should be able to score in suspenders.

After a quick hello from Diggy, we meet Kyle, 26, who tells Rachel he wants to show her his “buns” — meaning, of course, that he brought her food. Nothing wrong with that.

Blake K., 29: Finally, a Blake who doesn’t talk about how great his penis is! This Marine tells the Bachelorette that his grandparents only dated for “a few months” and they’ve been married for 65 years… so who says an 8-week reality show can’t lead to love?

Brady, 29: Has it really taken 13 seasons of The Bachelorette and 21 seasons of The Bachelor for someone to make this “break the ice” joke?

I’m disappointed in us, America.

Dean, 26: This is the dude who used the “I’m ready to go black” pick-up line at After the Final Rose, and after taking flak for it on Twitter, he feels a little sheepish about facing Rachel again.

The Bachelorette is once again gracious about it and tells Dean she appreciated his “confidence” on ATFR night. The “but don’t do it again” was clearly implied, though.

Eric, 29: This personal trainer met — and danced with — Rachel during ATFR. “This is gonna be our thing,” predicts the Bachelorette, as she and Eric dance it out again.

DeMario, 30: Hello again to DeMario, the guy who brought a ring and tickets to Vegas on After the Final Rose. If you thought he brought the confidence on ATFR, he’s even more focused now. “I’m looking forward to being able to have many more first moments — first date, first kiss, first Christmas…” And she LOVES it.

Oh DeMario, if only you hadn’t ruined your great second impression by falling victim to the most insidious grammatical error in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise: “I have that confidence that it’s gonna be her and I.”

Blake E., 31 arrives with a full marching band in tow — confirming everyone’s suspicions that yes, he is overcompensating for something. (And, to be fair, Blake’s also trying to make up for his tongue-tied intro at After the Final Rose.)

What’s that you say, Harrison? We’re “not even close to being done” meeting the guys? Oof, keep ‘em coming, then.

Fred, 27: Thank goodness Harrison explained this situation for us last week in his 5 Guys to Watch interview, otherwise I would have been completely lost. Turns out Fred and Rachel went to a camp together when they were younger — she was a counselor, he was a camper — and he’s carried a torch for her ever since. “I knew exactly who he was when he came out of the limo,” insists Rachel. “He was a very bad kid!” I dunno, this could either end up like a rom-com… or a Lifetime Movie Network thriller.

Jonathan, 31: There’s a reason Team Bachelorette doesn’t give this guy an on-screen ID when he first emerges from the limo. It’s because this is the asshat whose occupation is listed as “tickle monster” on his ABC bio… and that’s exactly what he does to our Rachel.

Hands off, pal. As Davey points out in the Judy Blume classic Tiger Eyes, tickling is a form of torture — and torturing someone is not a great way to make a first impression.

Lee, 30: Speaking of torture, this “singer/songwriter” from Nashville arrives with guitar in hand and begins serenading Rachel with a half-assed composition.

Literary meathead Alex, 28, dances out of the limo with a vacuum, in a cute callback to Rachel’s original Bachelor intro.

Milton, 31: What’s a “Hotel Recreation Supervisor”? We’ll never know, because once he takes a selfie with Rachel, producers move on to…

Adam, 26: On what planet does “arriving with a creepy doll named after you” sound like a good way to impress a woman you’re trying to date? Seriously, this thing is the stuff of nightmares.

Why is “Adam Jr” from France while human Adam is from Dallas? Who can say. Either way, Rachel wants them both to go away right now.

Matt, 32: This “construction sales rep” from Connecticut shows up in a full penguin costume, in a less-than-subtle homage to the fantastic penguin pajamas Rachel wore on her overnight date with Nick.

And props to Matt for keeping (most of) the costume on all night.

Grant, 29: This “Emergency Medicine Physician” gets a blink-and-you’ll-miss it intro (seriously, the ambulance he came in got more screen time). He’s quickly followed up by…

Anthony, 26: “I’m here to help you understand me, and I will commit myself to understanding you as well.” A little stiff, but I suppose we can’t fault him for choosing not to make a fool of himself right off the bat.

Jamey, 32: Barely has time to utter one compliment — “This dress is ridiculous!” — before Team Bachelorette shuttles him inside.

Jack Stone the lawyer (why does he get two names? There are no other Jacks!) shows up next, followed by Mohit. But the “sausage fest” (Bryan from Miami’s term) isn’t over yet.

Jedidiah, 35: This ER physician with a Biblical name doubles down and goes with a full-on Old Testament intro: “When Jacob met Rachel, he wept.” The Bachelorette is impressed… or at least she pretends to be: “Oooh, Biblical. I love it.”

Michael, 26: This “Former Pro Basketball Player” from Chicago had time to bake Rachel some brownies, because he is a “Former Pro Basketball Player,” which is not, in fact, a job. “The blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude,” Michael informs our heroine.

Naturally, Team Bachelorette saves the worst — that would be Lucas “Whaboom” — for last. Do I really need to tell you that Lucas subjects our Bachelorette to a performance of his catchphrase — which makes him look like a dog having a seizure while sticking its head out of a speeding car — and that Rachel somehow still manages to sound completely genuine when she says, “So nice to meet you”?

The guys aren’t as forgiving. “That’s the crazy one,” notes DeMario. “Let the circus begin,” adds Jonathan Tickle Monster, who really isn’t in a position to judge, but whatever.

Praise be to the heavens, the intros are finally over.

So do we, honey. Josiah is the first to ask Rachel for a one-on-one chat, and he leads her outside to the (not really) good-natured jeers and catcalls of his jealous competitors. You snooze, you lose, boys. Josiah’s got an amazing story and he’s not going to waste any time making sure Rachel knows it.

Not everyone can have a “full-circle” backstory, though, so many of the other guys need to rely on props to make an impression on Rachel. Dean, no doubt hoping to erase his ATFR blunder from the Bachelorette’s mind completely, has the Bachelorette Interns bring in a small sandbox where he and Rachel can play while they chat. Rob pulls out an actual Rachel Lindsay trading card he had made for his Bachelorette Fantasy League.

And don’t forget about AJ, the terrifying doll version of Adam the real estate agent. Team Bachelorette spends a good three minutes on this joke, as Adam Junior stalks Rachel from place to place while she chats with the other guys. The doll even gets its own confessional, complete with a steamy French voiceover.

Let us all take a moment of silence to remember the guys who will, in the end, get less screen time than AJ, an inanimate object.

Moving on to Frederick. “You were a bad kid!” Rachel reminds him, a scolding tone in her voice. Though in the privacy of her confessional the Bachelorette admits to finding Fred “very attractive” today, she’s not sure she can get past seeing him as a misbehaving third-grader.

From boys to men: Bryan steals Rachel away from Fred to give her a Spanish lesson… and then he goes in (a little too hot, in my opinion) for a kiss.

Oooh, someone really wants that First Impression Rose. As soon as Harrison chums the water, the FIR feeding frenzy gets underway, and it seems a little more aggressive than usual. Guys are jostling each other to get in front of Rachel, and giving each other pep talks from the sidelines.

Unfortunately, poor Mohit is too drunk to walk the few steps to where Rachel’s sitting, so Lee the “singer/songwriter” slides into the opening instead. Indeed, as the night wears on, everyone’s getting a little sloppy — including Lucas, who pulls the jackass (but admittedly kind of funny) move of narrating Peter’s conversation with Rachel through his bullhorn.

“He’s a f***ing clown,” explains Blake E., in case we didn’t already know. Correction: Lucas is a f***ing drunk, exhausted, and hangry clown. “Forget the whabooms, forget the ‘let the big dog eat…’,” mumbles Lucas, when he finally gets to sit down with Rachel. “Who’s the big dog? Are you the big dog?” Rachel replies, in a tone normally reserved for toddlers on the verge of a meltdown. “Do you need to eat?” Yes, someone please get this man a burger and some black coffee, preferably spiked with Ambien.

As gracious as she is, even Rachel is starting to get annoyed with the guys’ buffoonish antics as the night wears on. Milton’s incessant growling, for example, is working her last nerve. “The first time he did it, he got a pass. The second time, I said, ‘Oh no, this is his thing,’” sighs Rachel. “It’s not mine.”

Meanwhile, Blake E. is trying to get Lucas to admit that he’s just Here To Be On TV™, but by doing so Blake’s giving Lucas exactly what he wants — more screen time.

Lucas: “I think everybody has a little Whaboom in them.” Blake E.: “I have no Whaboom in me.”

Aaand scene.

Though it looks for a second that Kenny the wrestler — who has a heartfelt chat with Rachel about his life as a dad — would get the First Impression Rose, it goes to… Bryan, the ambush-kisser. When he and Rachel kiss this time, though, the only one surprised about it is poor, drunk Mohit.

Oh Lord have mercy, Chris Harrison and his Butter Knife of Bad News have finally arrived. It’s rose ceremony time! Rachel tells Harrison that she’s “confident” about the cuts she’s about to make, before heading into the slaughter. And the roses go to: Peter, Will (who? oh right, Urkel!), Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, DeMario, Jonathan the Tickle Monster (!), Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt the Penguin, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam (minus AJ), Blake E., and… Lucas? While this is terrible news for humanity in general, it does provide us with some pretty amazing reaction shots from the guys who Rachel chose over Whaboom.

First there’s Milton, the living embodiment of SMDH.

And there’s Mohit, who chooses this exact moment to reevaluate every decision he’s ever made in his life.

And so we also bid adieu to Rob, Matt, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Kyle, and Michael. (And yes, I had to triple check who some of these guys were.)

One “this season on” supertease later, and we’re done, rose lovers! And I want to hear all of your thoughts. Who do you like? Who (besides Whaboom) do you want off your TV screen ASAP? And which guy do you think has the very angry, cellphone-wielding ex-girlfriend? Post your thoughts now! And don’t forget to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find a half-sized Chris Harrison Jr. doll on Etsy.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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